Segments - 346: Dungeons and Dragons and Sex

Episode Date: September 4, 2018

In this episode we discuss fantasy, role playing, and what its like to cheat on a loved one with a mouse.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. I have often dreamed of a head gum place Where two coy Jews will be waiting for me Where the crowds will roar when they read it live And a voice keeps saying

I will seize the cheese I am on my way I will send my emails I don't care how long I will send them all I know every line Will be worth my time I will send most anything to have these Jews respond Shout out to Drew.

Whoa. Shout out to Drew indeed. He snuck that in there. And I have to keep it in. Because that song was awesome. That was Hunter Gobble. Gobble, Twitter making that go-the-distance Hercules parody for us. We talked about that song before on the show.

Oh, really? We must have. Because why would you think to do a Hercules parody? Yeah. I don't know where the hell we talked about it, but I love that song. It's funny. Disney had this heyday of 101 Dalmatians, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Lion King. And then they did like a bunch of stuff that I don't really remember, like Mulan and Hercules. I remember Hercules real well.

Oh, really? Mulan, I don't know if I do. I wonder if it's just our age at the time. Like you just remember the ones that happened when you were 10. Yeah. And I had little siblings. So I remember some after that. That's why I remember.

What's after Hercules? Well, I know that like I remember Hercules and Quasimodo. Oh, Hunchback, yeah. Yeah, which I don't think, like, that's probably after your time. Yeah, but I remember watching Hunchback. Hercules, I vaguely remember. Was David Spade in Hercules, or am I making that up? I think he was in The Emperor's New Crew.

Was that a Disney original song? That was not a Disney original song? That was not a Disney movie, I don't think. Well, we don't know enough to talk about anything. Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by two morons. I'm Amir. I'm Jake, and I'm smart. It's so easy, does it?

Quit the insults, fucker. It's just being a little self-deprecating. It shows the crowd that we're willing to rib ourselves so that we can rib other people. And I can be self-deprecating, but not to my detriment, fucker. It's just being a little self-deprecating. It shows the crowd that we're willing to rib ourselves so that we can rib other people. And I can be self-deprecating, but not to my detriment, fucker. Well, you can dish it out. You can take it in. And it's fine because you're confident in yourself. Because you have good self-esteem. But if you call me dumb over time, I'm going to put my foot through your ass, fucker.

By the way, you said you can be self-deprecating, but not to your detriment? Yes. So you can put yourself down as long as it doesn't work. Say a weakness about you. What's your biggest flaw? My abs are too big. No, that's not a flaw. I should be a size 31, but I'm a size 32 because I have big abs.

No, say an actual, what's something that's not good about you? I had bad eyesight, but I have laces, so it's better than perfect. Okay, what's another thing that's-. I had bad eyesight, but I have LASIK, so it's better than perfect. Okay, what's another thing that's... That I had bad eyesight for a while. That I had bad eyesight for a little while. Right now, what do you consider your biggest flaw? My foot is sweaty. My right foot's a little sweaty.

And it feels like maybe my sock is riding down a touch. Yeah, that's what you consider your biggest flaw. Very quick. What about the fact that you have thin skin? No. Yeah. That's what you consider your biggest flaw. Very quickly. What about the fact that you have thin skin? No. Yeah. You.

That's right. What about the fact that you're overly sensitive? Back off! Back! I am not overly sensitive. I am not overly sensitive. And if you... Oh my God. Back it off.

You're a loser. I know. You're back from your many, many travels. We're recording this the day after Labor Day, Tuesday, September 4th. Yes. Get off me. Loser. I know. You're back from your many, many travels. We're recording this the day after Labor Day, Tuesday, September 4th. Yes. We'll upload this right away. So this is as close as we can get to live, a live podcast.

Basically live. To prove it, let's just talk about things that went on today. Senate hearing for Brett Kavanaugh. Classic. So you know we're not lying. Yeah. Oh, Juan Martin Del Potro is playing John Isner in the round of 16. That's right. We couldn't make that up.

I'll check the score right now. Just to date ourselves down to a specific hour. Partly so you guys know how up-to-date this is, but then also— Because you're curious. I'm a little—I'm a tad curious, to be frank. And this is about—this is research for your tennis podcast wow del potro just took the third set now he's up a break let's just give live fucking commentary it's over for isner isner doesn't do it isner more is like isn't that's good yeah well it's

fine actually thank you uh so why don't we get to some questions and answers. Last week was yours and Jill's wedding story, which took the internet by storm. That's right. And it took us by storm. Very good. If you haven't listened to it yet, please, for the love of God, listen to what happened during

Jake's wedding weekend. It's entertainment through the roof. I got so many texts and phone calls about it. They loved hearing the story from people who were there to people who were not. We should have another wedding. What? I'll have another wedding for another story. And better weather.

Sounds like you just want another wedding anyway. Yeah. All right. This is a question we got about D&D. You're still doing the D&D? Yeah, I was still doing it. Just because you're traveling doesn't mean you're stopping. Actually, I got a show next week in Seattle.

The Band of Boobs first ever live show. I think it sold out, but there might be standing room tickets left. If you feel like standing for two hours while I play D&D. I love that. So, let's call this guy. What's a D&D name? That's not me. Sure um that's not me sure that's not you let's go with apple scrumper this week's special guest played by siobhan thompson oh apple scrumper

writes i've written to you many a time but i assure you this is the time i need you the most i've been playing dungeons and dragons for about a year now and my girlfriend plays with me she and i get uh are going great and I can't really think of any problems that we have except I really want to have sex with her while she speaks as her D&D character. I don't know what it is but I find her really hot when she talks

as her character. She plays a goblin. Feel free to redact that to protect my anonymity. Too late, brother. Uh, wizard. Goblin wizard. And speaks with a thick Brooklyn accent, which just turns me on for some reason. Should I bring this up with her? Should I have sex with her as a D&D character?

I'm too embarrassed. I don't know what to do. Thanks, and kind regards. Apple. Dude. First of all, roll for horniness. What? That's something we do on the podcast. When we're hot and bothered. Roll the d20 and see how horny you are. Sounds like you just rolled a 20.

And if you roll a six and a nine, things are looking up. Very good. You should be on the podcast. Really? I mean, I don't think this is a problem at all. This is so hot. You think she'd be into it?

Yes, of course. You're like, her creativity turns you on. That's ideal. You consummated your marriage as hard one. That's very apropos. She'll still think she's married to hard one sure foot. I got news for her. What?

I am a thin little ankle boy. I'm sorry to tell you. Yeah. And I've got two broken feet. And tiny little calves. Would you ever do the role play thing to such an extent? Role play doesn't turn me on at all. It like takes me out of sex because it's like an improv game.

Yeah. I start to be like hyper aware of like somebody acting and doing a bit and it makes me uncomfortable for them. Oh, that's yeah. Like this is, what if it's slightly unfunny and now I'm performing. Yeah.

What if they like, even like stutter or don't know exactly like the terminology, like say being a camp counselor or something. Like, I don't know. It's just not, it's just not that hot to me. Like sex is really hot.

Yeah. Just be yourself. Yeah. Just like wanting each other is good enough for me. You don't also have to, what would it sound like if hard one was having sex with say, I don't know, an elf or some shit?

Hardwon would be like, yeah, yeah. Has he had sex on D&D? No, Hardwon is actually a closet virgin. Oh, really? Yeah. I heard he has a tiny little shrimp dick. He doesn't. I heard Hardwon actually has a little fucking bean.

This is why he'll never be on the fucking show. He's got a triple A battery. Hardwon has a hog. He has a hog. Stop joking me. I'll show you my Hero Forge miniature. Jake's stepping on my neck. He's clearly packing.

Your Hero Forge. Does everybody have that, the little miniature? No, I think it's like extra nerdy. I'll tell you something that I did that was so insanely nerdy. Even nerdier than ordering my Hero Mini at TripForge. Is this something that's so embarrassing you're afraid to even bring it up on the D&D podcast? No, I probably would bring it up on the D&D podcast. But this just happened to be today, so I'm going to tell you.

When I created my character i went to this thing called hero forge where you sort of like make your avatar and then they they like mail you a miniature of it kind of look it's like a little bit bigger than a monopoly piece and it's like uh it's they have it's like creating your own video game character so you have like all of the traits and attributes that you really make somebody that looks like who this person is in your head yeah they 3D printed mine and I have this white plastic hard one sure foot as a wedding present to myself. Is that normal? No.

Of course not. It makes no sense. Weddings are expensive and I got through it. We didn't default or go into credit card debt or anything. So as a little treat. To you. To old Jake. Yeah, from Jake. To Jake, from Jake.

Nobody else was going to think to get me this. I ordered a new Hero Forge miniature cast in bronze, which is a bit more expensive. So what was the first one? It was 3D printed on just like white. It's a white plastic. And then you're like, I'm going to treat myself to a bronze one. Yeah.

Cause it's been like, you know, a couple dozen episodes of the D&D campaign. I haven't died, but I've come close. I've had to do some death saving throws, but I've survived. And I feel like it's time to make me bronze.

And how did the, how did the bronze ones happen like how do they print that i have no idea i think they i mean i think they make a mold wow is it expensive um it's not that it's less than it's it's like 40 bucks oh wow so it seems like it would be too much work to do it by hand for just 40 bucks yeah it seems like it would take a while i mean yeah i don't know how it works, but. Is there one above bronze? Is it like silver and gold?

You can get a gold one. A gold one. Yeah. That's if you make it to your gold anniversary, brother. I don't know why. 25 years with hard one gives you a gold. Why the fuck did I get the gold one? It is the gold standard.

How much is the gold one? I am not sure now. Actually, I'm on your registry. Yeah, there's bowls, a couple of dish napkins, and then there's the gold one. Yeah. Yeah, and that's a group gift. And I see you removed the honey fund. I guess you're not having a honeymoon.

Yeah, we're not going to do a honeymoon because I get the gold one. And I want it a little bit bigger than normal, so they have to make a brand new mold for me. None of this six-inch tall bullshit. I want a real life, the mold when they made me. I want a real life, real sized hard one. How tall is hard one? I assume you know. Six foot six. Six foot six. Kobe's height.

The goat height. And he looks like Stephen Adams. Except shorter than Stephen Adams. Really, you should ask for a Stephen Adams bronze. You should just ask for a Stephen Adams bronze., you should ask for a Steven Adams bronze. You should just ask for a Steven Adams bronze. Steven Adams should ask for a hard one, surefoot bronze. Oh, come on, man.

He's not going to do that. He's a professional athlete. So hard one, surefoot. What is hard one professionally athletic? He can jump 25 feet because Steven Adams do that. He can jump 25 feet? Yeah, in distance, obviously. So he can jump 25 feet? Yeah, in distance, obviously. So he can jump 25 feet far, but not 25 feet high.

Of course not. So 25 feet is still not a world record. So even in this world of fantasy, he's not jumping as far as, say, Michael Powell in the 92 Olympics. He might be able to jump 35 feet. I have to look at my character sheet, but I think it's 25 feet. But you could have done anything, right? You could have jumped 50 feet.

No, in D&D, you have like your movement, like your speed and your jumping distance. But like my character, as he's grown, he's taken the path of remarkable athlete. So his like speed and jumping increases as I level up. So you're getting stronger. So I recently leveled up and now I can jump 10 feet further than I could before. And this is perfect fodder for sexy talk. In a bedroom, you're having sex. You're a hard one.

He's saying, give me a break. I'm about to jump 35 feet. Yeah. He lands in the living room. I think this guy should tell his girlfriend that he wants to do it. She will be happy to oblige, I think. You think so? I guess it matters if they already do kind of like role-play

stuff, if they ever do, but I don't think there's any harm in asking. Would you do it for your loved one? Yeah, I would. It's hard to get past the idea of like, I'd be so out of character for my loved one to say something like that.

But yeah. That's more of a fantasy than hard one becoming a reality. Yeah. If Joe was like, make love to me as hard one sure foot, I would be like, yes! Which is the noises anus makes when he farts.

All right. Yeah. So how should I bring this up to her is this specific question. You think if she's into D&D she's going to be into this role playing thing she's already into RPGs sex is just the next iteration of that yeah they probably play with other people

so it wouldn't be like it'd be kind of cool to like just crawl across your dice and miniatures and be like and the maps and just be like have me right here that's cool what do you do with your miniature well some people play with kind of like maps and they like move their miniature around to know where they are

and what they're like facing and who's near them who to fight. And the band of boobs, do they also all have miniatures? No, I just have my miniature sitting beside me as I play for good luck and to remember that I'm the fucking man. Got it. And the other ones, they don't have the miniatures. remember that I'm the fucking man. Got it.

And the other ones, they don't have the miniatures. They don't have the miniatures. They don't have them. They are. Don't think they're not nerds because Emily has a stuffed possum that she sleeps with because her character has a possum. Caldwell rolls a D20 every single day before he leaves work to see what kind of day he's going to have.

That just seems more superstitious. You're the only one sitting with a little hardwood miniature. Have you ever posted your miniature online? I'd like to see what the miniature looks like. I'll post the photo of it on my Instagram story after we release this episode, because you better believe I took one this afternoon when it arrived. Were you excited to open it? I was thrilled. Did you tell Jillian? I've been gone for ten days. I had stacks of mail. The only thing I opened when I went home was this hard one surefoot miniature. It's bronze cast. It's so small. I'm holding it

with my little hand. It's three fingers tall. If not a day. Swallow it. What are you talking about? I want you to swallow the fucking miniature. Eat the miniature. I paid $40 for this. Give me your fucking miniature.

I should release the plans online in case anybody else wants to make a Hard One Surefoot miniature. Oh, yeah. Can people play as Hard One or is that considered uncouth? I mean, I wouldn't have a problem with it if they did. Yeah. It feels like part of the fun of D&D, though, is creating your very own character. But it's like, it's almost like if they're such a fan of your podcast, it's like, let's just take those characters and create our own adventure with it.

It's like fan fiction. Yeah. And I think I've heard of people that listen to the podcast that have taken certain scenarios and parts of the story that they put into their own game with their own characters. I didn't know that Hardwon could die. Oh, yeah. That's a possibility? Oh, yeah, every week. I didn't know that Hardwon could die. Oh, yeah. That's a possibility?

Oh, yeah, every week. Every week. He's very, very close. And if he died, you would just make a new guy? I think I'd have to sit out the rest of that episode and then roll a new character. Start at level one. It's such a sad idea to imagine you're sitting next to your miniature

and you die, and then for the rest of the episode you're just sort of holding the miniature. You can't talk. Clutching the bronze hard one, regretting that I ever ordered it. Maybe I'll be like a freaking spiritual banana or something. The worst part would be playing as level one along with all these other, like my friends who are like level eight or nine now, they get like two attacks, a lot of spells.

They're just really powerful. And then I would just always be like, I can only attack once and I have really low HP. Like it would just be so sad. Even though it's all a major story. It would be like playing basketball with like the Lakers. It'd be like if you were playing. That sounds awesome to me.

Yeah. But like you had your actual skill. So people would be like, oh, Amir sucks. You know, that kind of me. Yeah, but you had your actual skill. So people would be like, oh, Amir sucks, that kind of thing. Yeah, so even in this world of role-playing, you still want to quote-unquote win, be strong, be better, be jumping, be faster. Yes, when my character levels up and he's like, oh, now he's got 90 hit points instead of 80. I'm like, oh shit, now I'm that much more invincible. And then do you ever get as happy as you do like when a game winning shot happens or you're like yeah or is it never like that an instant burst it's more like a constant flow of joy uh it's

kind of a constant flow of joy but then like there are times when we make a like a really good roll it's like someone hit a big shot yeah it feels like a walk-off home run or like a touchdown. Really? That good? Yeah. Huge. Because there's like also character stakes. Like there's an episode where like a character who's like our best friend in this series

almost died. And the way death saving throws work, you roll a D20, I think it's like three times. And if you get below 10, it's a fail. If you get above I think it's like three times. And if you get below 10, it's a fail. Yeah. If you get above 10, it's a pass. And I think it's like first to, like if you get three passes, you live. If you get three fails, you die.

Wow. If you roll a one, it counts as two fails. Oh, I see. And if you roll a 20, it counts as two passes. Or, I see. And if you roll a 20, it counts as 2 passes. Or it might even be as good as you just shoot back up. So it's like flipping a coin 3 times if you get tails 3 times in a row. Like 1 in 8 chance of dying. Yeah. And this character had 2 death-saving fails.

It was about to die. Yeah. And Murph let me roll the d20 to see if he would survive. Because my character had sort of gotten him into this mess in the first place. And I rolled a D20. Holy shit, which was a 1 in 20 chance. Yeah. And I hit, they call it the nat 20.

The what 20? Natural 20. Nat 20. As opposed to what's an unnatural 20. I don't know. Oh, like, if you add your, you have, like, modifiers. Yeah. So, like, my strength, this is so, we're going to be so far in the lead.

But I like that you're interested. You are, you're so close to playing. Because it's almost like gambling. It's a little bit of math and statistics. So you're luring me in a little bit. I'm like a scared cat that you're trying to get into your house.

The way you create your characters, he's got certain strengths and weaknesses. So like, if you are a very strong character, you get to add your strength modifier, uh, to something to like that D 20. So if I rolled a,

a 16, but my strength modifier is like plus four, then that's 20. Got it. That's not a nat 20, but it's still like a high roll. Got it. Um,

but death saving throws are just like raw, just roll the D 20. And I rolled a 20 and he lived and everybody was like breathing heavily afterwards so yeah you better believe you should have sex as hard one that role made me feel like i hit a game winning three and all you had to do it kind of feels like craps where like a roulette where you get a number right that's probably probably closer to what it is than actually hitting a game-winning... Because it's luck. Yeah.

But it's rolling that, what is it in craps? Seven, yeah. Yeah, it's rolling a seven. All right, so ask your loved one. Maybe they will want to have sex with you in their character. They probably should. It seems likely because they like D&D.

And as you can tell, if you like D&D, you like S&M. What? I tied up hard one last night. No, you did not. And as you can tell, if you like D&D, you like S&M. What? I tied up Hard1 last night. No, you did not. And face-fucked him until he cried. He wouldn't fucking allow it.

He'd bite your dick off and spit it up your ass. I don't want to play anymore. All right, let's take a break. We'll answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for

everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new

personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. I talked last week. I started the basketball podcast. First episode is now online Buckets Buckets is online Episode 1 with Ben Schwartz What day does it release? I'm going to do it just randomly Whenever I feel like it

So episode 1 was on a Friday Before Labor Day Episode 2 is going to be tomorrow With Adam Lustig And then whenever I can get a guest in here Talking sports with me I'm going to make it happen But is it once a week?

Sometimes it'll be twice a week Sometimes three times a week Sometimes no times a week Just whenever basketball happens. But I want to have a pretty steady stream now before the season starts just to bank a few great episodes. And then once the season starts, if something exciting happens, I can have an episode. You're going to be doing an emergency episode. Emergency podcast.

This trade happened. This guy's trade. This upset happened. Yeah, exactly. Cool. So as of now, we have one episode with Ben. And I'm hearing that people who don't necessarily like basketball still like the show, which is a high honor for me. I don't know if that's going to continue that way.

But I think if you like me and Ben, I'll put in a little clip at the end of this show of us ranting, rambling about basketball. Maybe you'll like it. You can check out Buckets. Either way, I'd appreciate a subscription, a rate, and or a review. You know I did all three. Really? Yes. What was your review?

I think I just said, pumped for this podcast or something. Yeah, I see that. Two stars. You little piece of shit. Well, I mean. Did you even listen to the episode? I listened to a couple minutes of it. And you said.

I didn't really get it. I don't like podcasts is all. No, we're up to over 500 reviews. Damn. And it helped out our iTunes ranking. So thank you so much for anybody that's listened so far. A new episode coming tomorrow. But as for this, did anything happen in your Labor Day weekend that you wanted to talk about?

Ooh. You went to Maine. I did go to Maine. Was it insane in the Maine? Was it insane in the Mem-Maine? Was it insane in the Maine? Yeah. I had a really, really lovely time there. Uh, we ate dinner at this place called the Lost Kitchen. Have you heard of this place? You know, I haven't. Um, it's kind of, so it's like this sort of like a dinner club almost. Jill and her friend, Ray, are very into that kind of foodie thing.

Oh, the experience, yeah. So this experience, it's this tiny little restaurant in the middle of Maine in a town called Freedom. Oh, I see. It's very, very small. Yeah. And there's just, in this middle, in the middle of nowhere, there's this amazing farm-to-table restaurant that takes 42 people a night. And the only way to get a reservation there is to write a postcard starting in like March or April. Oh, that's very hip.

It is so hip. And they got 20,000 postcards when they opened that up. So it's some sort of like college admissions for a restaurant. It's kind of, yeah, it's like a lottery. And Jill's friend got chosen and they tried to do it on the weekend, like after our wedding, so we'd be on the East Coast,

but it turned out the lady that owns the restaurant got married that same weekend. That your wedding happened? The next weekend afterwards, like the one we were trying to plan to go. Oh, wow. But yeah, we ate there and it was crazy. It was so good. Was it like better than like Denny's even? It was like, I guess it was as good as Denny's if you like didn't get the hash browns. Yeah. So it's like pretty good. Like the eggs were a little firm. Have you ever been to Sonic?

Yeah. Yeah. So it's like Sonic. So it's like tater tots and greasy cheeseburgers? Yeah. And then what was the dessert? They didn't actually do dessert. They don't do dessert. Well, they had dessert, but I was just like, I'm not that hungry. And I was like, whatever. And it was like, it looks like just like.

I wonder if they give you a mint or something at the end. I took a mint and a toothpick on the way out. And the toothpicks were fine. And I also just grabbed a stranger's umbrella. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Because it wasn't really raining. I't raining yeah who's using this anyway a little party favor i had that and then how much did that cost you uh the umbrella was free uh-huh are you talking about the dinner the meal yeah um i actually don't know it was a it was a gift wow another gift to yourself i'm just raking a bit that sounds pretty chill oh but I also

I had a piece of unsolicited advice because wait hold on let me play the theme song let's see here wait for it I had to pull it up

I don't know I just I wasn't prepared for this you didn't know that I was gonna do this yeah this just came out of nowhere when I was on the road

so Jake do you have any? Oh, it's a lift! Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. On my trip back, I listened to a playlist that Mike Carnell made for his trip that he just took. He like wrote a, Carnell wrote an amp track from LA to Seattle, and then from Seattle to Chicago, I think.

Wow. Stopping at Glacier National Park. Train. Yeah. He took some really great photos, but he also released a playlist, which is something I and I think other people have been asking him to do since he started just screenshotting music on his Instagram story. Yeah.

I was like, I want to listen to all these songs, but I'm not, I don't remember to go into Spotify and like play them. Right. So he released a playlist called Amtraks. Oh. A-M-T-R-A-C-K-S. That's pretty cool. It's like a mixtape.

Yeah. And it's great. And if you're looking for a new playlist. And that's a public playlist? Yeah. Interesting. Can people get, like, famous on Spotify for having good playlists? I mean.

Like, does he know how many people subscribe or follow to his playlist? Probably. There are, like, numbers for people who subscribe to certain playlists. That's cool. Like, I listened to that one Rap Caviar, and there's, like, millions of people that subscribe to it. He should just slide in a Twinnovation episode as, like, track four. That's smart. Yeah.

That's actually really smart. That's my unsolicited advice. I hope he doesn't do that. Yeah. All right. Let's see if we can answer some more questions, shall we? Good shit.

This one is about a Disney dilemma. Do you have a Disney name for us? Hercules. Oh, it's perfect. Each one leads into the other. I'll cut right to my cheese, writes Hercules. Oh, it's perfect. Each one leads into the other. I'll cut right to my cheese, writes Hercules. My girlfriend of two years decided

to participate in the Disney college program, which is pretty much Disney's way of pulling in college-aged kids to work at their theme parks under the guise of an internship. The jobs they give out aren't even cool. She was assigned the duty of parking lot attendant. Though they do provide expensive as shit housing

so I guess that's nice. Anyway, she's gonna be off in Florida for four fucking months. We never even had any problems and we've both emphasized that we'd like to stay loyal to each other even though we're both fairly vanilla people who have been cheated on in the past so neither of us would think of it

well, act on it rather. Still though, i'm naturally worried what if she gets bored of our relationship when she's out there what if she screws some other dude or worse yet the mousy menace himself mickey have either of you or anyone you know ever been away from a significant other for an extended period of time and stayed together? If so, how did you do it? I know how strongly you discourage long-distance relationships, so I'm curious what you would have to say when there is the prospect of their return after a set time. Todah and Shalom Aleichem.

Been listening and watching y'all since Monopoly, which is 10 years ago. Thanks. Love, Hercules. Imagine if she got screwed by Goofy. That'd be Goofy. That's what it sounds like when a fucking hard one is coming. No, it's not. Not at all.

He's just a tall, goofy guy. No, he's not goofy. He's just a silly little character. He has no sense of humor at all. That doesn't sound good either. He doesn't get jokes because he is a joke. Remember the... Is it from A March Madness where you call Mickey a little menace?

A mousy little diva bitch. You're like complaining about how Mickey's trying to like ruin stuff. Yeah, shouldn't he be worried about like his girlfriend fucking like Prince Charming, not like the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume? I guess he's more worried about being humiliated, which is a lot of the time what cheating is really about. Because you have to have the shame of telling people that your girlfriend had sex with a mouse instead of you. Yeah, like if she had sex with like, yeah, with Prince Charming or Prince Eric or the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, that'd be easy to understand. But if she fucks Mickey...

That's a tough pill to swallow. If she fucks fucking Pluto... Wait, there's Goofy and Pluto in the Disney universe? Or is this another Daffy Duck, Donald Duck situation? I thought Pluto belonged to Goofy and Pluto in the Disney universe? Or is this another Daffy Duck, Donald Duck situation? I thought Pluto belonged to Goofy. No, Pluto was like the actual dog that Mickey owned. And then Goofy was like another talking character. Who's the most embarrassing person in the Disney sphere for someone to lose their significant other over?

Hmm. So, I can't be with you anymore. I had sex with Goofy? Well, Goofy's kind of tall. Goofy's hot is all. He's got that big dick energy. Yeah, who's like a short

little shrimp like Dewey? I mean, maybe Daffy. Daffy Duck. Yeah. Because Scrooge is rich. Daffy wears like a dumb little onesie. He has like blue overalls, doesn't he? Yeah.

Oh, yes. Daffy Duck. Yeah. No, that's Donald. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Donald Duck. Donald Duck wears the blue overalls.

Is Daffy Looney Tunes? Daffy is Looney Tunes. Daffy's the black one. Donald's the white one. There was Goofy and then there wasunes. Daffy is Looney Tunes. Daffy's the black one. Donald's the white one. There was Goofy, and then there was Pluto. Pluto the dog. Yeah, both Disney. But Pluto's a straight-up dog.

Maybe that's more embarrassing than Goofy. Yeah. What about Winnie the Pooh? He's not Disney. Yeah, but he's a character. Wait, isn't he? No. He's not at Disneyland?

I don't think so. I think Winnie... I'm searching now. It says Winnie the Pooh and Pals at Disney. Fine. For whatever reason, Winnie's there. Okay. Is that an embarrassing one or he's kind of gentle and cool?

He's like a sensitive lover. Pooh's a fucking bear. Piglet's more embarrassing. I blew Piglet. Do you like that? You don't even know that Piglet's a dude. Piglet is an asexual, pansexual, supportive little pig friend. So that's kind of embarrassing.

Who else is there that's bad? Well, we're not helping this guy's anxiety. It's like, what if she cheats on you with Mickey? Like, no. She could cheat on you with all these people, too. Yeah, there's a whole array of people. And then she can also cheat on you with another parking lot attendant. She can cheat on you with somebody that just lives in Florida that doesn't work at Disney.

Oh, that would be really, that's the worst character of all, is guy who's at Disney World. You guys just need to have a conversation to reaffirm that you're not going to cheat on each other. Why does there need to be a conversation? Do you have to reaffirm that kind of stuff? Isn't that just sort of the base level rule of a relationship is i won't fuck anybody else if we're apart for four months but i don't think it's reaffirming it for her it's not like hey if if he doesn't remind her not to fuck anybody she's going to yeah she just it seems like he's got some anxiety so he needs to be reassured from her that she's not going to. Yeah, and four months when you're like 18 to 22 feels like forever.

Four months. Like relationships don't last that long. The fact that she's gone for four months, that's like a summer and change. Think about how fast summer used to go by when you were in high school. That shit blew by. And that's three months. You still got another month after that. So have you experienced such a distance

uh a time distance before uh yeah uh jill and i were long distance for a full year but what's the longest you've gone without seeing each other oh uh probably never more than like three or four weeks oh no god no you wouldn't have survived that she would have four months she would have i know that and many i know sort of mouse-based orgy. She told me that. That's why I flew to where she was. To stop it from happening. Which was studying abroad. What about visiting her? It's a four-month situation. Why don't you come at the

two-month mark? See what she's up to. Or you could go at the one-month mark and then she could visit you at the three-month mark. You never want to be in a relationship that is just distance away from cheating on each other.'s like if only i had four months away i would sleep with somebody else or here's an here's an un um a non-good way of dealing with the situation is you cheat on her that way yeah if it happens and she like is telling

you about it be like it's okay we're even that's yeah that's that trick up your sleeve the one in the back pocket yeah you want to keep that ace. That force field. But I just don't think that's healthy, obviously. No, that's not a good idea. I was just thinking of it. I wanted to give this person bad options so that he could take a good one. But, you know, if you're so worried about cheating on... It doesn't sound like he's worried about cheating on her.

He's just worried about her cheating on him. That's right. Which is why I think a conversation will be helpful, because's like gone down the rabbit hole in his head of like feeling anxious about it. Here's what you don't want to do. You don't want to be like the guy who's texting like, hey, I haven't heard from you in 90 minutes. Where the hell are you? Are you at work? FaceTime me right now. I need to know where you are because that will sort of urge her to maybe consider cheating on you because you're being a crazy person. And you don't, yeah, that's your behavior sort of showing the ugly side of your insecurity,

which is actually a gentle, nice thing that comes from a place of love that should be nurtured and cared for. But like, if you take that and you say, rather than say like, hey, I'm needy, I'm sorry. Can you tell me you're not gonna cheat on me? I feel, I'm weak right now. I know that, I'm needy, I'm sorry, can you tell me you're not going to cheat on me? I feel like I'm weak right now. I know that, but I need your help.

Like, if you don't admit that, and instead you're like, you must tell me where you are at all times. You cannot speak with Mickey or with Goofy. You may converse with Pluto, but only if you're secretly FaceTiming me so I can make sure you're not whoring yourself. The piglet. Then you're a piece of shit. So, like, don't be a piece of shit.

Take your insecurity. Own it. Be like, I'm a little limp dick loser right now. Help me. Short and stout. All right, let's answer one more question. Since we were a day late, a buck short, I don't want people to feel shortchanged over here. This guy is a 25-year-old who has been single for the first time since age 13.

He just seems like a Rudy. Okay. Let's call him Rudy. Hey, guys, I'm 25, currently single for the first time since I was 13. The dating world has changed quite a bit since 2006 between Tinder, Bumble, polyamory, etc. So I suppose my question refers to the- Probably changed quite a bit since you were 13. Yeah, like the world's changed. Yeah, since I was 13. I suppose my question refers to the latter and is somewhat of a moral issue.

I'm an American and a supervisor at my job where we employ an ample amount of newly American workers. So I have learned very good Spanish and Korean. There's this beautiful girl from Argentina who flirts with me all day long and is stunningly pretty and has an infectious personality. I really like her and I think she likes me too. We share a lot of the same interests and goof around all day. Here's the problem. Her wife just transferred to my department three weeks ago. She's from Columbia and honestly even hotter, but isn't really that

flirty or anything, but her wife is still the same way with me. I'm not delusional and thinking about some grand threesome. No, I would never want to break up a couple because they clearly love each other. So I figured it would just be a cool work flirt. No problem, but here's the wrench. Last week, they mentioned three times that they want half-white children. The last time, they mentioned it together to me, like directly asked if I would help. So, Jake and the chipmunk, what do I do?

Would this be fun and result in multiple encounters? Or would it be bad and I would technically have children? Help! Cheers! I'm a day-oner. Huh? This seems like... The premise for a porn?

This seems like something even maybe you wouldn't have done in your heyday of not giving a fuck would you have given yes i would have you would have fucked and given a baby yes even was it for a threesome i probably would have and if it was a one-on-one fuck me until you i you impregnate me then no you wouldn't have it's gone that too far in that regard so you in that regard. So you wouldn't want to give someone a baby. I'd only give someone babies if it was for a threesome. If only we can make it a 4G after nine months. Do I want to have a threesome? That's actually a good compromise for this guy. He's like, I'll give you the baby, but it's got to be both of you, a crazy night, and we don't know who's going to end up pregnant.

We were talking about you being a sperm donor. And the threesome. You are absolutely fired from this job. Fuck it, kiss me, and we'll call it even. I guess just be open to, if you're open to it, that's cool, but I wouldn't push in any fashion. I never heard of two women becoming pregnant by the same guy on the same night. It's like almost twins,

but not really. You know what I mean? Isn't pregnancy itself like kind of a rarity? It's like, yeah. In one night, impregnating two women is... It's hot. That's hard one, sure. But with those people, they would be step siblings, right?

Same dad, different mom, half siblings, half twins almost, because they're the same exact age. Yes, but not from the same sperm or the same egg. It's got to have happened. No twin ever at all. Yeah. No twin. Yeah.

But yeah. That's interesting. That's cool to think about. What would you do in this situation? Of course I wouldn't do it. I see you're packing heat right now. You are a full chub. It's because you mentioned a hard one again.

I don't think it's worth having children dealing with that whole thing. You don't know the legality of who owes what what after that situation. Yeah, well, you get them to sign something. If they're really serious, they're going to give you some paperwork. If they're really serious, they should be paying you, right? Like, it costs money to do that stuff. Like, for a sperm donor of any caliber, I would think.

Yes? No? I don't know. People get paid for that? I think so. I mean, the weird thing, I think, is probably just, like, it's not like you would need money even if they wanted just a sperm donor. It's more just, like, the idea that this child or children would grow up knowing who their father was,

or at least like these women would know who the father was. It seems like too much responsibility. So if kids were ever like, hey, I want to know who my dad was, they'd be like, well, he's not in the picture. He was a sperm donor or one wild threesome that we had or whatever. And the kid would be like, well, I really want to know. And this guy's like, hey, this wasn't part of the deal. But it sort of inherently is part of the deal. Does that freak you out? Little Jake's running around or like donating sperm? Would you do that?

Or is it kind of weird? I would do like a blind donation of sperm. You would do that? Yeah. You don't care? It doesn't freak you out to have this like half Hurwitz running around somewhere that you don't know about? No, that wouldn't bother me. That's awesome, dude.

Thanks, man. I really appreciate that. But I want it to be blind. I wouldn't want to like have somebody show up and be like, you're my dad. You want the kid to be blind. No, I jerked off into a dish. That sounds like something my dad would say. Papa.

Now that's a movie idea. I think that is a movie idea. Big Daddy. No, there's like a Vince Vaughn movie Where he like Was a sperm donor Yeah and he like had 50 kids Oh yeah

Or something like that It was Fred Claus That's right What a weird name they gave that Premise Alright that's it We're out of time I gotta upload this

Before the The guys with the pitchforks Get all the way to our office Demanding content Oh yeah They have speared Marty Ah Thank you so much for listening.

We'll be back next week. The opening theme song was the Hercules theme song written by Hunter. This closing one is John Thorpe. If you have your own questions, your own theme song, send them all to if I were you show at gmail.com. Right after the theme song is going to be a little teaser, a taster of the buckets podcast that I did with Ben Schwartz. So hopefully you guys enjoy that and listen to that and listen

to D&D and listen to other stuff and we'll be back next week. Ciao for now. Peace. So we mail in to jakeandamir They'll put you on blast and maybe help It's a podcast, it's out every Monday If I were you, show which email I'd call It's a game, boy, so we mail in Picks a word at random, picks a word at random And that's how they choose

And if I were, if I were you I would send my questions into these dudes. If I were, if I were you, they would tell you what they would do. If I were you, show up at gmail.com. If I were you, show up at gmail.com. If I were you, show up at gmail.com. If I were you, show up at gcom If I were you, showachina.com Fuck you, Jackson

This is the game. We keep going until you're not allowed to name. Okay, 10 seconds per player. You're not allowed to name the same player twice. I think we gotta go like boom, boom, name. Okay, Patrick Ewing. Boom, boom, name. Boom, boom, John Starks.

You already missed. You already missed. You already missed. All right, sorry, sorry. You ready? Ready? Boom, boom, name. And this game is gonna be called boom, boom, name. Boom, boom, John Starks. You already missed. You already missed. You already missed. All right, start over. You ready? Ready? Boom, boom, name. And this game is going to be called Boom, Boom, Name.

Okay. Now, every time we snap, you have to say a name. I'm going to go first, starting Patrick Ewing. Chris Dudley. John Starks. Charlie Ward. Chris Childs. Hubert Davis.

Kristaps Horzingis. Kevin Knox. Joaquin Noah. Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin Phoenix. This is a lot of pressure. Steve Novak. Charles Smith.

Charles Oakley. Derek Harper. Anthony Mason. Xavier McDaniel. I love it, dude. I lost it. It's hard. It's hard. It Mason. Xavier McDaniel. I love it, dude. Fuck, I lost it. It's hard. It's hard.

It's a lot of pressure. Yeah, it is a lot of pressure. Guys, let's sing the Bucket song to go out. Here it comes. Ready? Buckets. I'm getting buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets, buckets.

Now I'm here says. Thanks for listening, everybody. That, a bucket, a bucket, a bucket, a bucket, a bucket, a bucket, a bucket, a bucket, a bucket. Now, Amir says. Thanks for listening, everybody. That was a Hate Gum podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary

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