Segments - 347: Instagram Stories

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

In this episode we discuss teenage sobriety, emotional cheating, and dating your brothers best friend.Hungry for more? Check out Jake on Amir's NBA podcast: BUCKETS! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. What's your favorite precipitation plus temperature combo? A little bit of this. A little bit of sleep. Damn, baby, all I need is a little friggin' sleep. A little bit of sleep. A little bit. All a nigga really needs is a little bit of sleep.

Not a lot, baby, no, just a little bit. All a nigga really needs is a little bit of sleep. Not a lot, baby, no, just a little bit. Oh, and guess what? It's sleeting, though. It's a little bit of sleep, though. Oh, sleep, sleep, motherfucker. Oh,eting, though. It's a little bit of sleet, though. Oh, sleet, sleet, motherfucker. Oh, sleet, sleet.

Whoa. Nice. That was written by 50th Sant. 50th Sant? 50th Sense. 50 Cent? Yes. 50 Cent.

Are you serious? And, oh no, sorry, just a 50 cent cover. It was written by Wilson Desimony, who wanted to give his girlfriend Elena a shout out. They're both big fans of the show. Love that. I love it even more because I'm a huge 50 cent fan. And for him to do the remix about a little bit of sleet, though. A little bit of sleet, though.

And guess what else? What? There's a little bit of sleet, though. It's funny to like sleet, which I think is the worst precipitation. Nobody likes sleet, right? Sleet. It's wet snow.

It's ice. Only if it's a little bit. It's a freezing rain. It's a little bit of a sleet little bit. It's a freezing rain. It might be just a little bit of a sleet. Nobody likes the sleet. Even if you can like the snow or like the rain. I don't know if anybody likes the sleet. It's just got a bad name.

It's got a bad rap. And rightfully sleet, though. He's got a SoundCloud. And it appears to be soundcloud.com slash willy, willy, willy, willy. Four willies. Four willies. That's good.

It's like free willy, but four willy. Oh, nice. Well done. Uh, so thanks for that. Thanks for that remix of a little bit of sleet though. Little bit of sleet though. Uh, today is actually Rosh Hashanah, the first day of the Jewish new year. Happy new year, bub.

Can you believe it? Do you know what Jewish New Year it is? I think it's 48-9. It is 5-7-7-8. Wow. Or maybe that was last year, and now it's 5-7-7-9. All right, so the Christian calendar only measures the years after Jesus came. And before Jesus was alive.

Yeah. So they're like, oh, this is 28 BC. That's right. But either way, they only go back 5,000 years. The Jewish calendar starts with the beginning of the Bible or the beginning of time as dictated by the Bible. So it's like zero was God created the heavens and earth. And then 5,779 years later, according to the lunar calendar, because we follow the moon and not the sun. But then they talk about like dinosaurs being 130 million years ago.

But there's no dinosaurs in the Bible. There's no date though. There's no being like, oh yeah, the Mesozoic era was... Yeah, when Moses was there. Five. Yeah. They do that with BC, but not with Jewish calendar. Right. The Jewish calendar is not like... But I mean, there's not even a BC So the dinosaurs were in zero? No there's no dinosaurs Before time Jewish people know there's dinosaurs right? Yeah but I wonder what year they thought that was

In the Jewish calendar They think God created dinosaurs That's right And Abraham actually wrote a freaking stegosaurus And Moses He was on a T-Rex. I mean, why not just be like, oh yeah, all that shit was before God.

You know, I feel like there's an intelligent way to answer the question. I don't know. Because I know that it's 5779, but I don't know where they put dinosaurs on that list. Because even the dinosaurs are different times too.

You know, the stegosaurus wasn't the same time as the brontosaurus. Is that true? I don't know. But there were different dinosaurs different times too. You know, the Stegosaurus wasn't the same time as the Brontosaurus. Is that true? I don't know. But there were different dinosaurs, different times. We got to talk to a Jewish archaeologist. That's Ross Geller. Yeah.

Because, I mean, you look at like Jerusalem and they say it's, I guess that's thousands of years old. God, I hate not knowing shit. Really? I'm pretty comfortable with it. So you're fine not knowing how Jews justify the idea of no dinosaurs. Yeah, because I like, I mean, there's no way to justify it. So there's not really a need for me to find out how they do it, how they lie to themselves. I really just want to know if Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had a fucking pterodactyl.

They did. At their bar mitzvahs. They did. I want to know if, I want to know if Rachel, Rebecca and Leah were not only living with their husbands, but living with a fucking, what's another dinosaur?

Um, a, a, a mastodon. That's sort of a pterodact another dinosaur? A mastodon. That's sort of a pterodactyl, right? Okay, yeah. A T-Rex, a velociraptor. God, can we just talk about basketball, something I know about for Christ's sakes. I don't get any of this shit.

LeBron James. LeBron James. I should say we just recorded, just finished recording an episode of Buckets, my basketball podcast. So if you've gotten enough of it, if I were you at the end of the show and want to listen to more of us. Or if you got enough of us when we started saying sleep though again. That's right.

And if you wanted to hear us talk about the National Basketball Association, I'm going to make sure that that episode is online right now. Nice. So when you're done with this, hop on over to Buckets, episode three with Jake Hurwitz. In the can. In the can. About the man, LeBron James. That's right. And this, unfortunately, is not a basketball podcast.

This is an advice show. Sadly for us. We got to give people what they want. And that's the wisdom of these two, I want to say scholars, but you've just heard us talk about calendars, years, and dinosaurs. So you know how smart we are. Oh, I want to say scholars, but you've just heard us talk about calendars, years, and dinosaurs, so you know how smart we are. Oh, I'm a dumbass. Proven dumbass.

But we are expert millennials. Us 30-somethings, we've been in the game for a long time, and people are seeking our wisdom, our guidance, our advice. They'll email us ifiwreshow at gmail.com. And they want to know how we would handle their life sticky situation. This guy actually gave his girlfriend a fake name, but we need to give him a fake name. The girl that he's naming in the question is named Alfalfador. Alfalfador. So we'll call him Spanky.

That's good. Spanky writes, I'm in a conundrum. I met a girl named Alfalfador a few months back while working at a basketball game. She was also working, and during a slow time, we hit it off. She was a dime piece, a fine piece of feminine specimen

with a Kate Upton vibe to boot. Since then, we would talk every single shift we had together, and it was fun and flirty, and we actually had deep conversations. This is all during a basketball game. On the last day we were working together, I scored them digits. We have an awesome, rich, beautiful, sorry. I have an awesome, rich, beautiful, selfless girlfriend that I may never have mentioned to Alfalfador. Alfalfador and I

have texted a metric fuckton since I got her number and I could tell she's super into me. But even texting makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm cheating on an emotional level. So my question is, is getting coffee or just hanging out with Alfalfador harmless? Should I let my girlfriend know about it, even though nothing physical is going on? Thanks, guys. Love, Spanky. Is it harmless? Because that's what I need to hear right now.

Because I'm getting coffee with her, and coffee will turn into tea, and tea will turn into a Long Island iced tea. And I wasn't physical, but we were hanging out all night. Deep conversation. And we had an awkward goodbye, having an amazing conversation. And yeah, I haven't talked to Alfalfa Dore about my girlfriend. So I'm deceiving her and my girlfriend at the same time. For the price of fun. Nice.

What is he doing? He's just trying to scratch that itch. He wants to feel the sexy romance excitement times of a flirtation sesh while also having a girlfriend. Yeah. But he doesn't want the guilty conscience part either. Sometimes you think it's casual scratching of an itch. You know like when you pick your nose and you're just like, oh, I think there's a little. Yeah.

Like, oh, but I'm not going to stick my finger up my nose. But then you sort of feel like this really nice big crusty burger. Yeah. And then you put your finger all the way in your nose just to be like want I'm not gonna like stick my finger up my nose but then you like sort of feel like this really nice big crusty burger yeah and then you put your finger all the way in your nose just be like

I'm not gonna like yank this out of my nose I just want to feel how big it is and then you feel like it goes all the way up oh yeah to like near your eye socket

yeah and like and then and then it's got like a tiny little corner off oh wow down the bottom

so you can just pull this whole entire thing oh and now it'll feel good cause you can finally blow your nose. You should really just blow your nose. But then, no. Here you go. It feels good. Before you know it, you are yanking the huge booger out of your nose. You turn to the left

at a stoplight, and you see a horrified family of four staring at you, wondering what you're doing. You're like, oh, shit. That's what's happening right now. He's tiptoeing forward. He's moving up the nose. But you don't want to tease yourself with somebody that's actually beautiful

and you feel a connection to. Yeah. That's not like teasing. That's not scratching an itch. She'll feel misled. You don't text a stranger who's attractive of the opposite gender and not mention your girlfriend

and then think it's fine and that it's not cheating. So what you're doing is not harmless. It's harmful. And you're trending towards making it even more harmful. But what can you do? You can either break up with your girlfriend and pursue this other interest or stay with your girlfriend and break off these flirtations.

At what point can you stop a flirtation where it's not harmful? I think there's still time for him now. Oh, you think he hasn't gone too far? No. I mean, they're texting a lot. But if – he's asking, is it harmless if I get coffee? That's because he wants to. Yeah.

So I think – we'll say – I'll go on record saying it's harmful if you guys go get coffee. So – Texting? Here's where you can – I mean, you should stop texting too, but here go on record saying it's harmful if you guys go get coffee. So texting? Here's where you can, I mean, you should stop texting too, but here's where you cut it off. If she says like, hey, we should like, why don't we get a drink or why don't we get coffee? You say, well, like I'd like to, but I actually have a girlfriend, so I should probably chill out. Yeah. I'm sorry. But at what point, even in the grand scheme of things, does harmless flirtation become harmful flirtation? Is it the getting of the number?

Is that not allowed? I think all of it's more based on how he's feeling, isn't it? Like, if talking to Alfalfador makes him feel more distant and resentful of his girlfriend. Yeah. And like withdrawn from her, then that's harmful. That's like detrimental to the relationship. Is there a world where talking and flirting and texting and meeting isn't somehow adversely affecting his relationship? No, because even if he's not feeling those things, if his girlfriend were to find out that he was getting coffee

with this hot girl that he met at work and had been texting a lot with yeah then it would be harmful like she would feel jealous and sad and hurt by it i think it's the texting that's really like the next level like talking to someone at work you can justify that's the it's a work flirt it's a meet cute it's a company in romance yeah once you text and then it's like all night and it's during whenever and you have access and it's exciting and you see their name in your phone

and there's chatting. That has taken the next step. Yeah. And then meeting is an even bigger next step. I don't even think he should be texting, let alone meeting.

Although... Yeah, because she wouldn't have gotten the number. I don't think you give... You don't give out your number to somebody when you're in a relationship i would say texting meeting or chatting at work to texting is a bigger leap than

texting to meeting up i think texting is like the big step because that's 24 7 access to your brain your mind you're chatting yeah and then you start hiding shit on the phone that's when you put like it's all the it's all the path to fucking yeah which is actually cheating yes so it's the road to death right if you know that there's death a hundred feet away do you cover your eyes and take 40 steps towards death that seems a little dangerous because what if your steps start becoming longer what if you start making a wrong turn what if you start risking you realize it's a slippery slope that's right it's going down you can actually fall down and slide and then fall off the mountain and the closer you get the harder it is to avoid right not unlike because you have to yeah you have to go back up yeah yeah and that backup sometimes results in your girlfriend not wanting to let you back up. Yep.

So this guy has to sort of make a decision who he wants to be with. And that's his decision to make. He can break up with someone. That's fine. Right. But there's duplicity. I don't condone it. No.

Nor should you. So stop being duplicitous, Spanky. You duplicitous Spanky. And make a decision. You can't have it both ways. Correct. Here's a 15-year-old Dane who we'll call Dane Cook. Nice.

Hi, I'm a 15-year-old guy with a problem. My classmates like to party and so do I, but they only invite people who drink. This is where the problem begins, my fellow snatch lovers. And no, I'm not a fucking nerd that faints when smelling alcohol, but I just don't feel like trying it yet. I don't really need to.

But this keeps my classmates and friends from inviting me to their parties. And don't mistake me. I'm not really shy. I'm known as a funny guy in class, which I enjoy being. But how can I get them to invite me? Am I being a diva with this? Some extra info. I enjoy being. But how can I get them to invite me? Am I being a diva with this? Some extra info. I play basketball.

You can find out that I search basketball to find these questions. I'm six foot three. And yes, I'm bragging. And this also keeps me from being able to party Friday nights. These party hats do a bit of weed. Isn't this crazy as 15 year olds?

And also I live in the capital of Denmark, Copenhagen. Another crazy thing is that all my female classmates have done a blowjob. And one has even gotten some ding-dong in her hole on the backside. I'm going to high school next year. Peace! Wait, 15 and he's not in high school yet?

Who knows what the fuck is going on in Copenhagen. When did you start... Oh, you didn't start doing any of this stuff until college. Yeah, I wasn't even invited to drinking parties until I was like 16, 17. But I was allowed to be there. But I didn't want to drink because I was afraid of getting in trouble. Right. And I was drinking as a 14 year old and getting into lots of trouble. 14. That's so young. Was it a party? Or was it just like two friends in a basement um when did like in between that we didn't ever have like rager parties when did cool parties start like 17 year olds hanging

out by a pool drinking alcohol i guess that that was like for me that was high school like junior and senior year we'd have parties at people's houses when kids could drive yeah just when it was dangerous enough to start drinking. I think even in high school, we like for the most part had like DDs though. Oh, so like you were smart about it even then. I mean, not that smart because we're 16 getting shit faced at house parties.

How do you cover a hangover from a parent? Like I can understand maybe like trying not to act as drunk as possible, but then the next day when you're just like puking, dehydrated, tired and sweating. When you're 16, you don't really get as much hangovers. Interesting. I was definitely, I like got like one or two hangovers my entire, and I would drink all the time.

Interesting. I wonder if there's some sort of science behind that. Anyway, don't drink before you're legally allowed to, kids. Of course. This guy wants to get invited to parties and he can't do it why can't he get invited and not drink were there were there non-drinkers did you know any sober 16 year olds at these drunken parties yeah and i don't really remember it being a big deal but like maybe you maybe if you're like i we're all gonna steal liquor from my parents liquor

cabinet um and we don't want to invite this guy because he doesn't drink. But I don't know. I don't really remember. I sort of remember being like, oh, if you're not going to drink, that's great because we could only get this much alcohol anyway. I remember like being at these parties like first and I was just like, this is insane. Like, like how this guy's saying they also all do drugs. Isn't that crazy? I felt like I had been fed information my whole young adult life of like, don't drink, don't do drugs. And then I went to this party and everyone was ignoring the rules. I'm like, uh, hello, like what is going on here? Putting out a cigarette, dumping a beer down the sink. Such reckless abandon. How does nobody care about the big overarching biggest rule of life,

which is don't do drugs. This is nuts to me. Like everyone's just, you know, doing this stuff that we've been like brainwashed. I thought not to do, but I feel like I'm the only one who's following the rules here. Yeah. Well, I think that illustrates the fact that people sort of run the gamut, like when they're ready to start partying. Yeah.

I mean, I guess I still started in college, which is a little bit earlier than the legal amount. And then there are some people who wait until 21 to drink. There are some people that just don't like drinking at all. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I think it's more about just being comfortable in your own skin. I don't think people are not inviting you to parties because you don't drink.

Like, put yourself out there and say you want to come to the parties. I'm sure they wouldn't be like, no, inviting you to parties because you don't drink. Like, put yourself out there and say you want to come to the parties. I'm sure they wouldn't be like, no, you can't come because you don't drink. And if they do say that, fuck them. Hang out with somebody else. Do you think you're getting over drinking? Like, is it going down a little bit for you? Yeah, maybe a little bit. Like you don't feel the urge to get drunk as often?

I feel more the urge. I still like the way alcohol tastes and I like the way it makes me feel. Of course. But like I definitely don't. I used to like when I was living in New York, I would be like, oh, I'm going to like skip dinner or eat a light dinner so I can like. Get drunker faster. Yeah. And like I want to go out and dance and go to a bunch of bars.

And like if I eat food, then i'll feel like heavy and now i'm like oh i'm gonna have like a couple drinks so i'm gonna eat a big ass dinner so i don't get too drunk all right so i'm definitely like trying to manage um drinking yeah in a more healthier way but i'm not necessarily stopping at the same time right but are you slowing down actively or is it just like less in your life because. I guess it's just less in my life. I don't. Yeah. I don't party as much, which is fine, which is good.

You're a fucking loser, dude. It's weird. It's a. You would think or I would think that like I would miss it. Like, oh, man, I used to like to party. Now I have to go home. But that part of my brain is not that. It's been dulled, and not by alcohol, but by healthier activity. Yeah, now I like the idea of going on a hike on Saturday.

And it really should be nine because it's supposed to be pretty hot out. That's right. And I'd hate to be hungover on the hike. Yeah. And you basically every time you're in a relationship, you kind of like don't like drinking as much. Yeah. Like I use drinking as like a social lubricant to meet new people. And then when I'm in a relationship, I don't need to meet new people.

I don't need new friends and I don't need new ladies. So like why am I out and about getting drunk where I'm like, I instantly start feeling hung over after the second drink now. Because like, it's such like a mental thing where I'm like, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why do I need to be loose right now? Yeah. I'm, I have everything that I need. I don't need to be like more, less inhibited.

I think, I think I still like getting drunk and partying, but it's just like, whereas before I would do it at least twice a week and even earlier than that, I would do it like almost every night. Yeah. Like, all right, no, I really have to like stay in tonight. It's Monday. So now I'm like, it happens maybe every two or three weeks. Right. Like we'll have a friend in town or I'll be traveling and I'll meet up with somebody and be like, all right, let's, like, have a couple drinks. Let's go out to three more bars.

I did it last week in New York with the Rosies and Mikey and Nick and Vinny and that was real fun. You got wasted? Not wasted, but we, like, stayed out till two. Which used to be early in New York. Right. I mean, we definitely could have stayed out for three more drinks but yeah no need no need i guess that's as hard as i party now there are friends of ours that like like stay out till like five or six even if it's like drinking by

themselves which i really don't get like what you're you're back at your place of sleep and now you're still hanging out and drinking yeah don't you like to sleep from two to six? Like why get drunk and then sleep less? That doesn't, that doesn't compute to me. I watched the sun come up at Carnell's wedding. And I remember that. I remember feeling,

I'm looking down and be like, oh my God, it's six. What the fuck have I done? Yeah. Who stays up so late? Maybe it's just us getting older. Anyway,

which of this 15 yearyear-old do? Try to get an invite to the party, even if you're not drinking. What's the point of hanging out with people who are getting shit-faced if you're not? That's true. These parties probably aren't as fun as you think. This guy sounds like he has some self-confidence, though. So I don't think, I mean, just ask to be invited to the party, make people laugh, and be sober, and it's fine. I wonder if he can dunk. Six foot three, 15 years old, Danish.

And yeah, in Denmark, the hoops are eight feet. Yeah, that's legal there. The drinking age is 16 and the rims are nine. Yeah, the drinking age is like 18 there, isn't it? I would assume. It's less. All right, you don't have that much longer to go. Stay sober for now.

What are we calling? Oh, Dane Cook. Yeah. You're almost there. All right, let's take a break. Thank some sponsors. And we'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Woo.

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Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

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It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Sure don't. Do you? Yeah. So here's what I'm thinking. This one's a little minute it's a little um unfair to me it's sad and it's um inconsequential to 99 of you got it but for the

those who it does help here's my little tidbit and it really is a tid of a bit of advice. In Instagram, we all know that stories have slowly started to trickle out, take over. They've ostensibly killed Snapchat for me. And they're honestly starting to hurt Instagram for me because it's like it's seemingly becoming all about these stories. And these stories feel like an even bigger waste of time than Instagram because now Instagram is at least a place for people to post their important, nice photos, and stories are just the garbage bin of the Internet. Right. You have to go through a little bit of a process to post a photo.

Yeah. A story, a filter, a tag, a place. Shit and stuff up there. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's a pole. Sometimes it's just a fucking picture of a dog shit that's not good enough for main main instagram yeah which is interesting because more people see the story so i've noticed that um if you scroll down a little bit i don't know what the algorithm is but at a certain point instagram gives you a nice little strip of people's stories

as a preview right because it's trying to get you to go back to the top and watch the stories. Instagram wants you to watch the stories. That's right. If you scroll past the stories, it'll be like, hey, you missed these stories. That's right. Are you sure you want to miss the stories? Don't you want to click on the stories? I found that the story strip, which is not big enough to actually consume, is a little bit of a nicotine patch

that scratches the urge of the story, lets you consume stories faster, and makes it so people can't see that you looked at people's story. That's what it's really about for you. You love people not, you love it when people think, oh, Amir didn't watch my story. It's just a nice little fucking attaboy that you never see my name in the list of names. Amir's too busy. Amir's too cool. No, he's not.

No, Amir's too proud. He has a podcast. Amir's oversought this. And he gives you a tip about the strip. It's a strip tip. A nice strip tip for those who don't want to be nipped or stripped or tipped is instead of going mindlessly through these stories of people you don't care about, people that you don't want to be nipped or stripped or tipped is instead of going mindlessly through these stories of people you don't care about,

people that you don't follow that much, you definitely don't want to show that you've put any extra attention or effort into their lives. That's true. Consume the strip. Use the strip to get you off. So your advice isn't like,

hey, get off Instagram. No. Smell a flower. Oh, God, yeah. Connect with a loved one over lunch not do that. Over lunch. Uh-huh. Don't make any meaningful real-life connections. I can get you high faster.

I can game the system so that you're still using it in a different way. More stories quicker, straight to the vein. And most importantly, no little name that says you've consumed that person's story. Very interesting. Have you ever like screen grabbed a person's avatar and blown it up because you don't want to follow them on Instagram, but you want to know what they look like? No. Yeah, me neither. But can you imagine a world?

You have absolutely done that. So you screen grab the little circular thumbnail that's so small. It's very blurry. And then you stretch it out. You blow it up. You get a good idea. Because you can't request. You don't want to request to follow.

You don't want to request to follow. Where do you get off being private? That makes sense. Yeah. That does make sense to me. Two tips for the price of fun. I used to do that thing. sense. That does make sense to me. Two tips for the price of fun. I used to do that thing, you know, like you would be watching one story

and if you hold down, it pauses it and you can sort of go halfway to the next one and be like, oh, I can like see this person's story, but I don't want them to know that I watched it. I thought that was a Snapchat thing. You can actually, oh, you can go to the next story by sliding over. Yeah, exactly.

And not fully consuming the story. Correctamundo, bud. That's pretty good. That's a good tip. And then have you ever gotten like lost in an Instagram story like feed and then you like you end up on someone that like you didn't want to see their shit. You're like, shit, they fucking tricked me into like sliding into my ex-girlfriend's stories.

I didn't even want to see it. Yep, sure have. Oh, and to make matters worse, she posted it two and a half minutes ago. I'm the only frickin' name on the feed. And she has 128 followers. Yeah, she knows. It's prominent.

It's got the check mark next to it. She knows. She sees it. She knows it. All right, that's my tip. I like it. Let's get back to some solicited advice uh okay this one's from a lady who seems to be very mad no who's a matter lady then

kamala harris who is just bringing it to kavanaugh on these hearings. Awesome. I mean, she is... I wouldn't call her mad. I'd call her responsible. That's right. She's upset, but in a good way, that Trump is trying to slide this guy into our Supreme Court, not on her watch. Stay heated.

Ms. Harris writes, my bitch-ass husband never wanted to have sex as much as I did. He didn't enjoy initiating, and when he actually had sex, he was so damn fast that he as much as I did. He didn't enjoy initiating. And when he actually had sex, he was so damn fast that he was done before I started. He claimed that sex was not that important to him. Recently, he cheated on me and told me that it was better with the other person. So my question is, how do I not fall into a pit of despair? Signed, obviously separated. That wasn't, you just read that in an angry voice it was mad

she was angry she said her her question is how do i not fall into a pit of despair yeah but she also called her husband a bitch ass who didn't want to have sex bitch ass isn't sad it's pissed but it's i i to me at that question right it's like my bitch ass husband yeah to me, that question, it was like, my bitch-ass husband cheated on me. Yeah, to me it rang. My bitch-ass husband. But it seems like the answer to her question is in the question itself. He never wanted to have sex. He wasn't that good at it.

And now you get to have sex and do it with people who are good at it. Yeah, this guy's a piece of shit. Yeah. Go out and get laid dude the way you don't fall into a pit of despair is to do all of the things that is so great about or are so great about being single and that is reconnecting with your friends and your family people that like didn't get to see you enough or didn't get to see you being yourself because you were always around this shitty asshole dude, this bitch ass husband. And then like that's what gets you feeling more like yourself and ready for dating.

I wonder what's better, when a really sweet person says they don't want to be with you anymore, but they were very nice and friendly throughout the whole relationship and things were going great. Or when a person like this is mean, bad at sex, cheated on you and said it was better.

Like, do you want your loved one to be mean to you so you can get over it faster? Or do you want it to be sweet so that you're like pining forever? I don't know. Because it's not like, I don't think you really get over being cheated on and then told that the sex with the other person was better. Yeah, but. Like, that's like, that is very, it's cut and dry that you should not be with that person. Yeah. But it's still like a pretty detrimental thing to say and do. It's trauma. Yeah. But I, so here's my theory. I think

when someone's mean to you and a cheater and a meaner, then you're angry at first, but it goes away faster because you're like, fuck this guy. Right. What was I doing? And when a sweet person does it, it might not be as sad as the cheating and the meaning, but it lasts for longer. Yeah. The confusion. Yeah. So it's a longer tale, but not as high of a start. I don't think I've ever been like broken up with somebody. Yeah, but I've never been broken up with by someone who is like, I thought everything was going fine. And then just one day they pulled the rug out from under me and they were like, actually, I don't want to be with you. So every time I've broken up with somebody.

It's been too late. Yeah, it's been very clear for a long time that it was ending yeah it's been a slow crossfade to black yeah um which i guess is another way of doing it but this way seems better for me i'm just saying now you can you know it's it you should be excited not pissed about it yeah use it as an opportunity. This is a cool thing. And congratulations. This guy's a piece of shit. Congrats, indeed. Yeah, because you would have stayed married to this piece of shit forever.

And had bad sex. And he would have been a piece of shit. I wonder if they probably don't have kids either, right? She would have mentioned something. I bet she would have. We'd love a follow-up, Pup, on how you're feeling now that you're getting back out there. I wonder if how good conception was affects the child. So, like, IQs in kids that were conceived in sex that was considered great versus how kids turn out in sex that was considered bad.

Probably, I don't think. Is there any way to measure that? Yeah. Orgasm strength, volume. But then how do you know which time you got pregnant? If you have sex three times in a week. Yeah. I've never done that, the have sex to have kids. I want to talk to friends of mine that have gone through that because I wonder if the sex is different. Yeah. Or if it's almost method like methodical, medical, like you have to do it this way.

Yeah, I think there are like certain positions that are like better for the sperm to travel to the egg in. Yeah, or is that all just like an old wives tale? Like you don't eat salt or don't eat meat or do it on a this or do it like this. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder if like the kids are smarter in sex where like you had a condom on but like it's

this oh accidental pregnancies right because then it's like it's almost like oh this like this sperm was extra smart and like navigating like against all odds it was like being born at all is like a billion to one because there's so many sperm. But the fact that this sperm navigated through that defense. Fucking latex. They probably all become kick returners. Imagine Devin Hester as a fucking sperm. I won't because I can't because I don't know who that is.

But could you imagine an awesome punt returnsman navigating a latex shield like he does the defense? Wes Welker? That's right, a Wes Welker type. He's already small and white, which I assume is what sperm is. All right, one last question. Let's do it. This lady is not unlike the first lady, but maybe a little bit different. This lady who we'll call Tad Shanty.

Nice. Right. Long story short, I fucked one of my brother's best friends recently without my brother's knowledge of us being in contact, let alone spending a weekend together and fucking. Some back info, I'm 24 and my bro and his friends are 26.

I've known about him for four years passively. The BFF and I have been texting and calling and FaceTiming each other constantly for the past one to two months. At the end of this spontaneous weekend, I decided that I'd actually be down to be this guy's friend. But since he left, he's been a little distant and not present in our conversations.

Sad face. Should I let it go and passively ghost him or continue maybe making an effort to birth a possible friendship? Also, what do y'all think about how my bro might feel about my BFF and I being his BFF and I being friends? Side note, homie made me orgasm. Needless to say, the sex was great. Fire emoji. Also, I've been listening to D&D Pod lately, so added points if y'all want to roleplay this situation. Thanks for your POV, boys. Tad Shanty.

Alright, Tad. What do you think? I think she's kind of getting ghosted. Yeah, it seems like... He's been distant. Should I ghost him? I think, right. The sex was awesome.

But he's not talking to me. So should I ghost this asshole? I think it sounds like you guys both came to the same conclusion after this weekend that the relationship, a romantic one,

isn't worth pursuing. But the exciting weekend was still good. Yeah. So now she's saying like, I'll be friends with him. And he's saying, I want out. I'm done here-ish. I think maybe I'm reading too much into it. I think she wants to have sex with him again.

And he is seemingly distant. And she's sort of convincing herself by saying, I just wanted to remain friends, but he's being so cold and distant, maybe I should ghost him. That's the narrative that I have in my mind. I see. And I think that this guy is probably,

like, it got a little too real. He's nervous about, like, needing to tell his best friend that he fucked his sister and that he's, like, gonna, like, start dating her. So he's like, no, I'm not gonna do that. I gotta bail. It's like the difference'm not gonna do that i gotta i gotta bail

it's like the difference between right before having sex and right after having sex personified um as a man after you're done having sex the last thing you want to do is have sex right again oh right away again and they're in that phase now where he's like i don't need it as much as i did the first time right the like the the FaceTiming and the texting, that was all like ramping up to this one crazy weekend. Yeah. And now like the questioning of what it was is settling in. Yeah.

That like my best friend's going to be super mad. And maybe he's nervous too. He's like, oh no. And what if she's like falling for me? And I have to like, this whole thing comes to a head. Yeah. And this lady who had an orgasm and the sex was great, That's probably more rare for a lady to have a great orgasm and great sex. And she wants more. She doesn't want less of it. So I believe that she doesn't want

a relationship with him and she just wants to be his friend. I don't think so. Why would you want to only be friends with someone who made you have a great orgasm and the sex was great? Well, a lot of people have great orgasm, man. I don't't know i would like to talk to her but unfortunately all we have is this email i think she i think she recognizes the sex was great but doesn't want to like uh keep on fucking him or dating him and she's like but i want to be his friend because that's like the norm i feel like girls mostly do like the normal healthy thing. Yeah. I had sex with this person. I like them.

I'm not like, don't see them as a dating future for, I don't see a future of dating them. So I'll just be friends because we had this crazy weekend where we fucked each other and that's the right thing to do. And he's like, I'm scared now. So we'll never speak of this yeah i think she wants to be friends because she liked she would she would prefer this next one and a half months one to two months to go like the last one to two months yeah and flirting facetiming in an amazing weekend abroad you're you're in my eyes incorrect assessment of this yeah is what the whole entire problem with society seems to be. Which is?

That you are putting the expectations on her. Yeah. So you're like, oh, this girl wants to date me, so I'm going to ignore her. Meanwhile, she is saying, I want to be this guy's friend and not keep on fucking him. But his, his like. Why would she want to be friends with him though? Because that's like a normal thing to do I don't think girls want to befriend guys they fucked and gave them great sex I don't think that's true

But maybe I'm wrong That's happened once or twice before We really got to get this lady on the show Yeah I wonder if we could talk to her Do you secretly like this guy? Yeah And I don't even think it's a secret

But I want to know what she thinks I don't know, she's a D&D podcast listener So she'll at the very least want to talk to Hard One about it. Hey. Maybe we'll do a live follow up up with this lady next week. Really get to the bottom of it. Love that. All right. That's what we think. We're split. We're going to get to the bottom of it. Either way, this relationship is doomed. So don't. I'm for you ghosting him. Really?

I'm against ghosting. Again, we disagree. But that's probably because we disagree about the premise of the question. That's right. I'm going to fuck this guy. You're for ghosting? Yeah. All right.

But she's going to see him around. Brother's best friend. Yeah. And the tension will be real. And then that's exactly what you think she wants. And then she gets sex again. Right. Yes, dude.

Some combination of what Amir and I said is right, almost always. I don't find the average. Or super wrong. All right, thanks for writing in.

The email address for questions and theme songs is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We do appreciate it. Again, there's an episode of my basketball podcast, Buckets, where Jake and I discuss the NBA, his relationship to it,

and Jake asks me questions about this upcoming season. So if that sounds of interest to you, check that out at HeadGum as well. We'll be back, I believe, next week, same time as always. Same place. Monday, y'all. Oh, the closing theme song. Let me pull it up. This is a good one.

One second? Of course. Take your time. Yeah. No. Yep. Whatever you need to do. Yep.

And it's fine. And it's good. And it's fine. And we won't even edit this out. You don't know. We should. That's right. We don't need to.

As long as you fill up every silence with a little bit of talking. And hey, how about a song? Do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah. Brachistochrone. Brachistochrone? I don't know if that's his real name or his rap name, but he says he's never rapped a day in his life, so he apologizes if your coy little Jew ears can't handle it.

Well, sir, we can handle it. And he has something to promote, the goddamn city of Detroit. I swear to God, you won't die if you come here, and you can hold me personally accountable. We did a show in Detroit once. We sure did. So I resent the accusation, Brat Kisto Krohn. But thanks for writing the theme song.

Let's let him play us out. Ciao for now. Ciao. Ciao for now. They might say something really insightful. My name? It's funny you ask because I have a very ordinary name. If I were you, I'd show at gmail.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I've got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.