Segments - 348: Escape Room

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

In this episode we discuss baldness, grayness, and stiff backs. Basically, how to get older without really trying.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only It's Monday I'm ready to hear my favorite show It's the FIU show with Amir and Jake

You know Best podcast around These dudes take it home Like Homer stubbing his toe They're making They've done so many episodes Can't even count the number When a new one drops

Some say it If you gotta stick situation with the tipsy Asian Or the risk you're taking is a little brazen, you gotta hop in. It is craze, and they'll give you advice to fix your day in. I got advice and found myself a chill spouse, man. Everything's coming up, Milhouse! Whoa! All right!

Simpsons Chic. Your favorite. By James Gisbrecht. That one really straddled the line between bad and good. Yeah, it was. Which I guess is our brand, too. I didn't like it, but I was impressed. Yeah, it was good at parts, and then it ended fine, which means I like the whole thing.

I remember when we were making our videos, we're like, as long as it ends on a funny joke and you were laughing, you don't remember the first two minutes. That's true. And I've already forgotten it. I shouldn't be so rude. Gil, what is his name? You're the half scrolling through Instagram asking me what this guy's name is again. Full scrolling through Instagram. If you must know. And it is my Finsta. I've already checked every story on my regular Insta. J. Dahl and not Hurwitz.

James Gisbrecht. Gisbrecht. G-I-E-S-B-R-E-C-H-T. Cool. Thank you. Thanks, James. And thanks to you guys for listening. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that we host. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. How about this for a pivot okay no more podcast wow so the podcast is over done and in its stead is a new type of show

nay experience oh okay called uh escape jna with amir and jake so we go town to town or city to city state to say, municipality by area. All right. And we do escape rooms with people one at a time until everybody's escaped a room with me and you. So no more content created. Exactly. Just experiences shared. Yeah.

But the experience is an escape room. And it's the same escape room every time. So we can ruin it or look smart. Get quickly through it. Yeah. That way we don't have to spend a lot of time with people. Right, but the twist is every time we start, we're like, whoa, this one is new.

We've never done this one before. We shouldn't reveal the hook right here. People won't fucking remember it. They're so stupid. We just talk, and it just goes in one ear and out the other. These fucking morons don't know the difference. Why would anybody want to do an escape room with you? Because I'm good.

You're mean hearted. No, you're not. And it's an escape room that I designed and I did so from scratch. You have no idea how to design escape room. Well, what you do

is you pick and choose different pieces from different escape rooms. So like I'll do a Shakespeare one. So you're not even designing anything. From scratch, yeah.

You're not designing anything from scratch. Scratch is what it's called when you like do it by stealing other people's ideas that's by that it's like french to make french toast from scratch you still need toast okay fine so you are stealing other ideas you mentioned shakespeare yeah that's a good idea let's run with that shakespearean themed escape room that's really good, actually. What are some of the clues? The clues can be just different minute facts about Shakespeare that obviously I know that a lot of people might not. Okay. So it'll be a cute little clever... Do you know anything about Shakespeare?

Because you shouldn't have chosen this if you don't. No, yeah. Shakespeare is one of my passions, so I know a lot about it actually uh and to do an escape room you just come up with like clever little ways so like let's say for example uh just like a super easy little bit of not even not trivia because it's not trivial to me don't yell at me okay i'm just saying it's not trivia because it's not like it's not trivial it's not throwaway yeah it means a lot it actually means a shit ton to me all right so it's not trivia because it's not like... It's not trivial. It's not throwaway. Yeah, it means a lot. It actually means a shit ton to me. All right, so it means a lot.

Go ahead. So there's like this bit of like, there's this play. Do you know about William Shakespeare? Yes, I know about William Shakespeare. Do you? Because it's like a really long setup. No, no. Long meandering.

Oh, no, no, no. Sorry, sorry. I just didn't know who I was talking to. And I can't like, I'm trying to like dumb it down for our, again, utterly moronic. Don't be mad. You yelled at me because you said Shakespeare wasn't trivial to you. I was minimizing it. So you walk in and it's like, the year behest from toad to test, the tempest bleeds a blue, right?

So he does sonnets. From here and from, from kingdom Come, his favorite color was blue. And then you have to like find like a... His favorite color was what? Blue. Blue. Like a little tip, a little hint. And then you have to find like the blue book and then you open it.

And it's like this fucking whatever. All right, go ahead. So it's a whatever. It was born in like 1902 or whatever and you're like and then you have to find the thing that goes to the thing and then like by by the end of it like we're better friends with our head so far you move like what is what an escape room uh does to a friend group yeah like what the design the record is pretty difficult so like 45 minutes is average, but most people don't finish it.

But then I would be there to save the day. So they'd be like, when was Shakespeare born? And I would figure it out, but it's like, whatever, 1850, 12, or whatever the fuck. 1850, 12. And then, so you have to like, so then you count,

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. How high are you counting right now? 1852. Don't. One, two, three, four, five, six, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. How high are you counting right now? 18, 52. Don't. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Wait, it's the time. All the way to 18, 52.

Okay. You see how long that takes. You put up an envelope and then you're like, if I can give me cash at the end of it, like as a tip. This isn't an escape room. You know nothing about Shakespeare and you're robbing people. So we go town to town. Yeah, kind of like robbing people.

Kind of like a great train robbery, whatever. Bonnie and Clyde style. And then at the end of the tour, we'll frame it as a tour, because these idiots love that shit. Sorry, I don't mean to laugh. They're just so bad. We've stolen... You're bad. You're bad.

Your idea for an escape room is... It's predicated on your love for Shakespeare, which is non-existent because you don't know what his name is. You're not doing a very good job of hiding your disdain for me. Yeah. You're, at this point, openly criticizing the idea. Yes, it is a bad idea. And you're a bad guy because it's not even like a business idea.

It is a business idea it is a fun experience for me yeah it's a theft yeah every experience our fans yes people that support us you want to trick them into being in a room with you that's poorly designed by the way and then once you're in there you'll tell them how to get out of the escape room and you'll steal their cash yeah and what's the alternative doing this podcast that's fun okay let's do that then all right jesus christ i can't like, you go from a, yeah. I'm used to, like, there's no bad ideas, and at this point I feel like you're just,

you're finding little flaws, which you could do probably in any idea that, like, you could say something, every idea is bad. Like, I can say your idea is bad. Shakespeare was born in 1564. Yes, what did I say? You said 1902, then you said 1852, then at one point you said 1852. 12. And when was it? So, when was it?

Now I said when he was born, and you have no recollection of what I even said, which you pretended to agree with when I said it. 30 BC, when was it? BC? 30 BC? Before Christ, you think it was? Yeah, or when was it?c 30 bc before christ do you think it was yeah or when was it when was it 17 17 28 yeah 17 28 that's what i said the whole time that that was a lie that was a test to see if you would fucking agree with any number that and i'm also lying to test the audience He was born in 1564. PM? Did you say PM? No.

At night, even? He wasn't born in 1564, PM, or AM. It's not like army time. What? I'm saying that's the year, not like the clock. What do you think? Like he wasn't born. You think I just know what time he was born?

And I was saying army time. And it was 15, and the minute was at 64, which would actually make it 16. All right, all right, all right, all right. Enough criticizing everyone. I was not criticizing everyone. You're making fun of our fans, which I don't appreciate because I think they're great. You were making fun of the fans, calling them idiots. I'll edit it.

Impressionable. I'll change it. All right, cool. I'll make it so that you came up with this Fucking dumbass idea An escape room You're going down Horowitz You don't even know it

A god darn thing about William Shade Now can we get to the questions That I meticulously found So that we can continue the path That we were going on Which by the way I love to do Yeah

We'll see how you edit this to see if you come out to be looking like i'll tweak it and i'll change it godspeed and i guarantee when this is posted your tweets will be like fuck off fuck you you suck you piece of shit and my tweets will be like you're a hero i love the idea about not doing the escape room you know more about william shakespeare than jake or whatever and i'll tag you in the ones that ring the most true this is insane to me let's see here oh this one's pretty good yeah it's called is having a girlfriend gay now okay we'll call this man uh henry the fifth nice very good big fan small d had a quick question for thee i thought i'd send your way and what does it involve texting a couple of buddies of

mine are either coy as shite or dumbass fucktards because they don't know if it's chill to send smiley faces to girls only problem is i don't know if it's chill to send smiley faces to girls. Only problem is, I don't know either. A few weeks ago, they stole my phone. They're fucktards because they don't know. And here's what, so am I. A few weeks ago, they stole my phone and read my texts with my ex,

in which I might have smiled text-wise. Needless to say, they've been on my butt-ass ever since. Would you place a smiley every few texts, or does that dog your man card? Also, how can I get revenge on these

C-U-N-T-S? Oh. I'm a 21-year-old straight gentleman. Any gay, thanks for the time. Oh, alright. He, all right. He is getting made fun of for using smileys in his texts. That's rice.

Are they the smiley emojis or like colon parentheses smiley? Wow. What would you say is more embarrassing to use? I'd be embarrassed if I got caught for using the parentheses, the non-emojis. Emojis are widely acceptable as fine. At this point. I think so. Yeah.

You're describing perhaps emoticons, which are what we grow up with, which was like, instead of the yellow smiley face, imagine this, kids. It was just a colon, a dash, and a capital P. And that was supposed to be your tongue out. Yeah. Yeah, and a semicolon. like you're laughing a lot yeah you do x like an x 2x for eyes yeah i think it's just a single x to make

it look like eyes are closed yeah dash carrot or if you were crying it would be semicolon dash dot dot straight line to indicate you're fine on the day but still sad to have it that way if he was doing that i think it was cool because it's kind of retro it's throwback he's basically asking in the grand scheme of things how you talk to people you're courting or perhaps people you that you're in love with or in a relationship with might be considered um emasculating to your friends because you're talking to that person differently than you would your boys. Yeah.

I don't think I'd want to see like, I wouldn't want to have my boys see me like talk lovingly to my wife. Yeah. Because. You use a different voice, you use a different text, you use a different connotation. Yeah. But everybody does. So it's funny that it's like embarrassing. Because you use a different voice, you use a different text, you use a different connotation. Yeah. But everybody does.

So it's funny that it's like embarrassing. Like I remember ex-girlfriends being like, are you with people right now? You're talking to me differently. It's like very instantly noticeable when you're like being curt fast, basically the way I talk to my friends versus the way I talk to a lady friend. When nobody's around. Exactly. But that's what people know about that. That's the phone voice that you put on. But do females use phone voices or are they sweet to everybody?

They're better than us by and large. So they'll be emotionally vulnerable to their friends and in front of their friends, and they won't get judged, so that's fine. They don't feel the shame because they don't need to needle each other, make fun of each other, poke fun for being emotionally intelligent and honest and open with their partners or friends. And let's change that, gents. You should just let the emojis fly. It's fine. Your friends can see it and they can make fun of you.

You could be like, I don't care because I like the way I talk to this lady that I like, you know? That's really nice. Yeah. Okay, how about this for the Shakespeare thing if we're not completely putting the kibosh on that idea?

You said you were going to edit the podcast to make it seem like it was my idea. Well, that's if I don't save it right now. So you choose one person per escape room that's considered the guillotine. And you put him or her in this kind of like beheading contraption. So you put the guillotine in a guillotine? Never mind. I will never mind.

And why don't you never mind too? If you don't like that starting point, there's no fucking world where you are super on board with what happens after that. Yeah, probably not. So why don't we go ahead and answer the question? Unless you're going to. No, I was just going to say. Yeah. All right.

No, like, yeah, when you say, like, yeah, yeah, let's move on. Now I can't stop thinking about it Go ahead Cause you cut me off at the pass Cause you couldn't say it So the losing team Gets beheaded a little bit The

The guillotine Gets You choose one person to For high stakes But if you don't like The whole fucking guillotine And a guillotine Then it doesn't make sense

It's like saying Do you wanna go to lunch No and then I'm I'm trying to sell you A fucking sandwich. Just say you don't want a sandwich. Just say you already had. You have to let me speak, right?

You're saying if I didn't like the name that you came up with, which was dumb and redundant, that I wasn't going to like... Dumb and redundant? Sorry, you said it correctly. I thought you misspoke for a second. Continue. I didn't misspeak.

You misspoke. Yes, and I'm going to cut that part out too. So don't even address it. Dumb and redundant. Yes. Dumb and redundant. Calling a guillotine, the person that goes into a guillotine.

You said I wasn't going to like that. Then I wasn't going to like you actually murdering somebody in the escape room. Right. Because that's the idea. And you don't? No, I don't like it. I knew it.

Because you went from robbing our fans to killing some of them. Yeah, some of them. By the way, one in five if they don't escape, which they probably won't because nobody knows shit about Shakespeare anymore. Including you. The Bark. You know The Bark? What about The Bark? That was his nickname.

All right. Moving on. It's obviously a waste on you. Now, let's call this person, who is actually a 20-year-old student in the UK, where I really am sure that William Shakespeare was from. That might be true. Okay. We'll call this guy Hamlet. Hamlet writes, I'm a 20-year-old student in the UK working part-time in a grocery shop to make some money on the side.

Recently, my back's been hurting, and without all the will or resolve to do anything about it, I resigned myself to this life of pain. However, I believe the solution has been hiding under my nose the whole time. While I was stacking shelves one evening, my security guard came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. This man is a chode of himself, short, stocky, burly, to say the least. I thought his voice, like grip on me, surely meant paralysis, but once he let go, I felt incredible. It was as though my back had been broken and reassembled better than ever before. Unfortunately, the relief was only temporary, and now this was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing, but after having tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of my back knot being all tight and achy,

I'm not sure if I can go back. My question to you is, how can I trick this security guard into giving me another massage again? If it helps, he is slightly less than middle-aged, Turkish, from what I gather, and a bit of a deviant. He once bragged to me about sleeping with an 18-year-old on a night out, which I thought was gross of him to do, but I'll be damned if his healing hands

aren't a Turkish delight of themselves. Turkish delight, very good. I guess a net zero, right? Thanks in advance. Hamlet. P.S. love NADPOD and buckets. You guys should come back to the UK show

with Jeffrey and Riley. Wow. Good tips, good Nadpod and Buckets. You guys should come back to the UK show with Jeffrey and Riley. Wow. Good tips, good advice. Your back hurts. Yeah. Is it the same pain all the time? Does it come and go? Or is it new stuff?

It's always different. But I think it's easy for me to slip a disc or pull a muscle. That's kind of where I've come down on it. You're just susceptible to that. Yeah. And I know what it feels like now. So like sometimes I'll be climbing and I'll like, my foot will slip out from under me and I'll just feel my back tense up.

And you're like, all right, my back's locked for two days. Two days. Like I'm just locked out. It's like knowing when you have a cold germ in you. Like with a cold, you sort of am like a 50% day. like oh shit i think i might be getting sick i think i might be not i might have to like ward it but with the back it's like boom instant you're in back pain for the next few days right at least two to three days and that's it that's just my life and then do you know why you're more susceptible and do you know how to prevent it? I guess I imagine it's because I have like, I need to work on my core strength, but it

might just be that I have like, um, weaker discs in my back. I actually don't. Have you been to a doctor, a chiropractor, a masseuse, a physical trainer, a physical therapist? I've sort of looked it up. And I know that when you strain your back, it causes inflammation. It sort of causes it to hurt. And that is... I'm so stupid.

I don't actually know. So I think that the inflammation... You're guessing you're web md'ing your way through this pain but i think with yeah this and the inflammation sort of like occurs so you don't continue to hurt it more right so basically like if i'm uh lifting up a big heavy box yeah and i pull my back and like that and it gets inflamed yeah to the point where i like can't uh i don't have full range of motion. That's because my back muscles are protecting me from further straining my back by hurting so much that I'm not allowed to use it, basically.

That's just sort of a – you're just doing the general evolutionary reasoning for pain. Like when you're standing on a burning fire, it sends a signal to your brain to move. Right. But that's what this back inflammation is. So just seemingly a warning shot. And I don't know why it happens to me more than other people. And do you know how to fix it? How to heal yourself? Would a massage help like this guy?

Stretching helps and a massage would... Massages don't help me. I think stretching my back, stretching my legs, and like rolling out my legs. And if a middle-aged Turkish man should give you a massage, a magical massage that healed your pain, would you feel frightened or annoyed or eager to ask him to do it again and again? I don't think I'd be into anybody giving me a surprise massage but it sounds like if this person ended up liking it they they shouldn't really feel nervous about asking the turkish turkish masseuse to do it again because he did it the first time because he wanted to oh interesting you're not like putting him in a

weird position to be like hey do you mind massaging? He's already sort of proven that he doesn't because he did it voluntarily. Unless it was like a quick, friendly back massage, shoulder rub. Also, I don't think that it's necessarily his magic Turkish touch. Oh. You could just go to another masseuse. Yeah. You could even get a, I got, oh, maybe I'll use this as my unsolicited advice when we come back i'll look up what it is but i got like a vibrating um whoa no spoilers and i roll my back out on it feels

great oh shit good man yeah uh so if this guy is down to give you a massage once odds are he's down to do it again i wouldn't be too embarrassed or shy to ask for one. And then two, maybe you can get a professional one that'll last for even longer than this favor this Turkish guy's giving you. Go get a massage. Yeah. I think I'm due for a massage. I've only had one in my entire life. We have a free massage gift that we got

from a friend. That's true. We should go. It's on my desk. And it's still valid. Let's fucking go right now. It's 8pm on a Sunday night, but I don't give a shit. Let's go this week. We should definitely do that. Yeah, for sure. A little Yom Kippur massage.

On Wednesday to break our fast? I'd love to atone for that. All right, let's take a break. Let's thank some peoples, and then we'll be right back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post game stats. I want to know which wide outscored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot.

This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have. You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general you're a fan of gambling yes and i

do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time

pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code segments that's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut.

Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash...

Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's

when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready

to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. It was gross. Mom, I'm coming! Gross.

As I previously mentioned, I am going to endorse the LifePro 4-Speed Vibrating Foam Roller from Amazon.com. Amazon makes it or they just ship somebody else's? They just ship somebody else's. It's the LifePro, not the ProLife. Let's not mince words here. You could just, I mean, just search vibrating foam roller and look at all the different reviews. And there's some that are like 200 bucks. There's some that are 30 bucks. So I'm imagining four little tennis ball looking spheres that are rubber and mechanical on sticks that vibrate.

I'm showing you. Oh, it's a tube. Yeah, it's a foam roller. But it's vibrating. But it vibrates. Interesting. Like the inside has like a battery pack and it just, it feels so good.

It wakes you up. Have they invented a shoulder rub? Like the guy in our last question said he was getting a shoulder rub. Certainly there can be a hoodie that I can put on that would give me that sensation. Like mechanically or electronically.

Just this, we can't, we can put a man on the moon, that would give me that sensation, like mechanically or electronically. Yeah. Just this, we can't, we can put a man on the moon, but I can't replicate a guy giving another guy a shoulder rub. I mean, the other thing that I have that I would also endorse is the Vulcan Accusphere 4-Speed High Intensity Vibrating Massage Ball. Yeah, we're starting to sound a little more sexual with every go around. But yeah, what does this one do? The other the other one, what is this massage ball? It's a vibrating 12 inch dildo. It actually massages you from the inside, which most of your muscles are actually closer to your asshole. So what you want to do is sit on it and it shakes your whole body. I think there

are, they at the climbing gym, they have these things that sort of look like candy canes with like balls on the end, uh, that you, like, hook around your shoulder and you can, like, get into your shoulder muscles. And this ball, you can, like, put on the floor and just lie on top of it and roll it around your back. What about a vibrating ball gag so it sort of shakes your teeth? All right. Never mind. Yeah. Go in the same idea pile

as the Shakespeare in the gape room and decapitating our fans I guess all my ideas are sucky yeah they are

they are yeah are some better than others at the very least I guess yeah a vibrating

a vibrating like gag is slightly better that's pretty good right than decapitating our fans yeah that is a good idea yeah one of your ideas today was that we would put our. That's pretty good, right? It might be the best. That is a good idea.

One of your ideas today was that we would put our fans in heads into a contraption that cuts their heads off. Spitball with that. Where's your tongue during the... And this is all happening in a Shakespearean escape room

where they say Shakespeare was born in 1850. You think of a toothbrush almost that shakes the plaque. You think of a toothbrush. A toothbrush, almost. It shakes the plaque. You have illegal ideas. How was Seattle? You were just in Seattle doing a Not Another Dungeons & Dragons podcast live show.

Yeah. The Evolution of NADDPod. My first live show without you in like a decade. Holy shit. It's crazy. Did it feel weird? Was it nerve-wracking in a different way? Was it not nerve wracking

because it wasn't performing as much? It was more like playing with your friends? I was very curious going into it, like not really knowing like what the audience was going to be like because I never met, I know there's a lot of crossover, but I had never met like NADPOD fans.

Tried and true. Um, you've just met NAD pod fans at our shows. You've never met a hundred percent pure NAD pod fan. Exactly. And it was great. It was so much fun. Uh, Murph, like I also, I didn't know what Murph was going to do. Cause he, so he was DMing, uh, the live show and I like, didn't really know where we were

going, what our mission was. Oh, so it's like he was, he sort of set the table and told the story in front of everyone and you guys heard it at long time, along the same time as the audience. So I was, I guess I was a little nervous cause I also wasn't just being Jake. I was like on stage as hard one. That's right. What if, what could one of you have died that episode? We could have, but we said it was non-canonical. Okay.

What it basically, whatever happened at the live show would not be, like, taken into account in the real campaign. Story. So it didn't move the plot forward. It was like a little break, rest area. Yeah, like a side quest. Almost like a fever dream. But, like, we, like, went back to one of the old cities that our campaign had visited and, like, saw a whole bunch of old characters. But then who does, didn't guests do those voices?

No, Murph does all of the NPC voices. Wow. Sometimes we have guests, but we didn't see any of them on this side quest. Holy shit. So that was Seattle. Is that the only live show you have? That's the only one we have for now. I would definitely do more.

We also like, we hung out for two hours afterwards and just got drunk with people. Wow. Old school. Yeah, it was very old school. I love that. Yeah, I would never do that with you. We don't have fun anymore. So I'm thinking me and you in Seattle. We'll ditch the little fucking whatever, the herky jerk, the rolling dice game or whatever. Those guys are my best friends.

And it's none of the Brian Murray and the Caldwell. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So those people I want to tour with from now on. And it's me and you. And it's none of the Brian Murray and the Caldwell. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So those people I want to tour with from now on. And it's me and you. And it's Seattle, baby. All of your ideas are bad. I mentioned that earlier.

Yeah. That's fair. That makes sense. Sweet. Hopefully we get more live shows on the books. Maybe we could do a NAD pod slash If I Were You co-branded. We leave you in one spot. NAD pod takes you from there.

We sort of take you across the country, alternating shows. Let's do a NatPod in buckets. Wow! So I'm talking basketball in a side room, and then on the main stage you, Murph, Emily, and Caldwell are spinning a web, spinning a story.

Where I'm spinning a sea web. That's right, Chris Webber. Imagine that, him playing fantasy basketball. And if you like that pun, then you're going to love Buckets. Buckets is half basketball puns, half updates and news about the NBA. I would say, I should say, I had Tim Baltz on the last episode and we called three-time NBA champion BJ Armstrong. Wow. My first call-in interview. We haven't even done that on this show. No, we have not.

The production value on buckets is already through the roof. Well, it's actually hilariously not because I just put him on speakerphone and held it up to the microphone. But it worked out fine. It's not good. We can do that. Now that we know. Fuck it.

Let's call BJ Armstrong again. Oh, he blocked my number. Of course. Yeah, the interview didn't go well. All right. Let's get some more questions and answers under our belt. Here's one called, Going gray in the lamest of ways.

Macbeth? That's right. G'day, you coy drongos. In the last six months, I've watched in horror as my hair has faded from cherry chestnut to a Gandalf gray. It was only a few hairs at first, but my head now looks like the side of a mall car park after the first winter snow. Not only is my hair ascending to the follicle gods, but it is receding like it's afraid of my

eyebrows. What do I do? Will the hots with the lots of hair want to sleep with a silver fox in his mid-twenties? Is there a hair DeLorean that will restore my hair to its lustrous glory? At the very least, this unfair hair scare is causing my self-esteem to fall hard. Help, love, Macbeth. Macbeth. So there's two things going on here. There was graying and then there was also receding, which seems to be two completely different problems that he's dealing with. Yeah, because I think if you have a

great head of hair that goes gray, that's A-OK. That's what I'm dealing with right now. That's Clooney. I'm like 40% gray at this point. 40%? No. I don't know. Some pictures look worse than others. On the sides, I think I'm a third gray. I mean, your gray hair is awesome. If I were you, I would go

dye it gray. The other way. Yeah, like get as gray as possible. As soon as possible. Yeah, dude. There's no rush. That looks awesome. But then the receding one, I don't know. It's what, it always, the interesting part about going bald and how to deal with it is like where we as a society put shame in some things.

Like if I get whitening on my teeth, that's fine-ish. Nobody's really getting shamed or ostracized for that. If I get veneers, then it's like starting to be a little weird. It's like, whoa, this guy has fake teeth. If you get like a surgery to fix hair, then that's seemingly more acceptable than wearing a toupee or a hat all the time it's so weird because you like on one hand everybody is like judging you it's like oh just if you're going bald just let yourself go bald and then on the other society

uh like generally finds bald men on the practice right like and we've dealt with that forever it's also like like where do you put that in for like going fat? It's like, oh, if you're fat, don't work out. That's cheating. You're cheating. Just be you. And then also everybody in society has agreed that this is the best way to look and it's not how you are.

So just accept that you're not. Yeah. It seems like nose job are shameful. You don't really brag about having a nose job. If I got a nose job, I wouldn't like come on the show and talk about it but you but there is like a standard of what a nice nose is it looks like that's right lasik is fine you got lasik and you're fine with that that's improving your vision if you're improving i guess the difference is sometimes it's like subjective versus objective so like you're you can quantifiably say

my vision is improving the surgery was worth it or it's like i'm objective. So like you're, you can quantifiably say my vision is improving. The surgery was worth it. Right. Or it's like, I'm making my nose smaller. That's not necessarily better. You're just superficial. Right.

Well, it's improvement to you, but to the rest, to the rest of us, we're supposed to be like, no, your nose makes you who you are. But the weird thing is that like,

there is a conventional norm of like, your nose makes you who you are. But like having a small nose makes you conventionally attractive. Maybe there's something to be said about cheating. Like a tanning bed is considered kind of lame, though not as bad as a nose job because that's surgery. But like being outside a lot is not considered lame. Is it like you're trying to find a shortcut and that's kind of embarrassing? Like when I whiten my teeth, that's slightly more embarrassing than using whitening toothpaste because toothpaste is part of an average process. I guess what it all comes down to, to me is whatever you do, do it for you. So if he's like, if he just doesn't like his hair, he doesn't like going gray. And he's

like, I want to dye my hair black or get a wig or get a hair transplant or something. Yeah. Like, that's fine. Go for it. Do your thing. But don't be like, oh, I have to do it because everybody else is expecting me to or because everyone else will think I'm ugly. Yeah, You gotta, you, it starts with you just being confident and doing your thing. Here's another thing. It seems like shaving your head is much better than keeping it long while you're thinning out. It seems like once you keep the hair long and it's getting thinner and it's getting grayer,

that's more noticeable. Yeah. I think that's, that's like the lowest impact, highest reward thing that you can do is just like get a nice short haircut. Like if you don't want long, wispy white hair, that's probably the most noticeable.

And then if you got, what I would do is I would buzz my beard and my head all the same. So like get like the closest thing you can get to like a Jason Statham thing going on. I see. So there's like a, like kind of like a two week growth.

Yeah. Across the whole entire thing. Yeah. Stubble from chin to forehead. Yeah. I think that's cool. I think it depends on how you look with facial hair. That's,

cause I could also see like shaved head beard. That's, that's a fun look. Oh yeah. That's a good look too. Like completely bald, but then also thick beard. Yeah. Nobody's fucking with that guy. That's a fun look. Oh, yeah. That's a good look, too. Like, completely bald, but then also a thick beard. Yeah.

Nobody's fucking with that guy. That's like the Walter White. Uh-huh. I like shaved head, shaved-ish beard, like, with some growth, but then, like, a longer mustache. Oh, interesting. Who's rocking that? I can't think of it right now. Yeah.

It's like, it's something. All right. So there's lots of options for you. Just Google this this shit you know alright last question sure uh

choosing between two ah but first we should say you're beautiful no matter what oh yeah no totally duh that could be that same

but yeah as long as you're happy and healthy or whatever the fuck alright uh uh okay got one and healthy or whatever the fuck. All right. Okay, got one.

My problem is this, writes a lady. Ooh, Lady Macbeth. Ooh, very nice. Oh, wait, this is a guy with a lady's name. Still Lady Macbeth, but a guy. Nice. We were talking. Oh, here we go. I've been texting with a female friend of mine, and I haven't talked to her

in a couple of years. We used to be kind of close, and we were really comfortable with each other. We could talk about anything. We made jokes, and we were also a bit flirtatious. Here's my problem. We were talking about babies and stuff, and she mentioned that she didn't know if she wanted to be a mother. And she said, even if I wanted to, it's not like there's someone out there I can

do it with. To which I replied, I could help you with that if you ever wanted to. We would make really cute babies together. At the time, I thought my reply was just funny and a bit flirtatious, but I think that maybe she was offended by it? To be honest, I would be lying if I said I didn't expect a more positive reaction on her part. She kind of seemed into me when we used to hang out, but maybe I misread that. She hasn't replied to anything since then, and it's been around three days. Am I a creep? Is she being a diva? Is this fair and or average? How do I make things right? I understand that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I just want to apologize if I offended her in any way. How do I go about doing that? I'd like to hear your opinions on this thanks love lady macbeth but a

guy okay so he made a joke about he made a joke about wanting to make a baby with her but she kind of set him up by saying it's not like there's anyone who would want to do it with me so she was text to send on her part as well yeah but then he was kind of into it it's kind of like that thing where if you're interested in someone there's no bad texts because every flirtatious text that's reciprocated worked well. And everyone that dies that nobody responds to for three days is like, oh, shit, what was I thinking? Yeah. It is interesting to have a baby with a friend. Why does society require it to be a man and a wife in love with each other?

Like what? I can't have a baby with you? Well, we couldn't have a baby together. I'm just saying we can adopt and raise a child just as well as you and a wife of yours. Like your wife, for example. Can I raise a baby with you instead of you raising one with your wife one day? This is such a weird example. To be your nanny or manny in which me and Jill, ideally, so the three of us, a throuple, raising a child one another.

Because two with one. I love the number of shitty ideas that you've had on this show. Three, yeah. Yeah. More than that. Yeah. But you do not hear about that as friends raising a baby together. What do you mean like the commitment between two people if you're going to have a kid?

If you're friends, it's too casual. Then it's like, oh, we have a kid. It's like, oh, I'm sort of done with this kid. Yeah. So it's like first you have to prove that you'll love each other forever and now you're ready for it. Right. And even that doesn't always work out. Yeah, that's true.

A decent amount of time. So this guy. Maybe there's something to friends doing it. This guy swung for the fences, said we can make babies together. And now she didn't respond. He says, I'd just like to apologize if I offended her in any way. How do I go about doing this? That sounds perfect. You text her after three days. By the way, I just wanted to apologize if I offended you in any way. I was just being silly and, you know, answering your silly question with another one. I think that's a decent, if you want to talk to her again, I think that that's a pretty solid move.

And if you never want to see her again. And if you're mortified, I think it's fine to just let this lie forever. Let sleeping dogs lie, or you borrow a kid from a friend, right? It doesn't have to be a baby newborn. It could be a six month old or even a two year old, anywhere between six and 24 months.

You find out where she lives. You arrive with a child and then you say, I'm sorry, I didn't get your text. Did you say you'd be down to clown with baby town or whatever the fuck you want to phrase it? I'm getting pissed at you because you're looking at me weird. But it's not a bad idea. It is a bad idea.

Because this doesn't even address his issue of wanting to hook up with her. Like, there's no baby being made between the two of them. It's just he robs a friend of their baby and then shows up and shoves a baby at her. Yeah, and then once you have the baby. He was too weird by saying, I would make a baby with you. You think it's less weird that he shows up with a baby that doesn't belong to him? And then once, yeah, once the baby, right.

Yeah, that's true. That'll work. And then once the baby is dead. Don't say that'll work like I came up with that idea. You came up with that idea. That's actually pretty good. I repeated it back to you to show you how dumb it was. What's hotter than a newborn when you're making out with your new mommy?

So like you always see these new parents who are all tired, but still making out all the time, right? They do. And then they're still raising this baby. So you bring the baby and I guess it's some sort of fucking aphrodisiac just probably hearing the the the dulcet tones of this newborn will make you lactate it's like a funny little conversation starter icebreaker whatever the fuck you want to call it stop saying whatever stop giving up on your ideas halfway through

and then like pitching them meanly at me yeah that's exactly right pitching them halfway through and being like fucking mean at you or giving up and then getting mad yeah and then saying whatever the fuck okay you sort of expect as you're as you're talking that everybody is anti your idea and then you get pissed which is fine yeah i guess normal because it is a bad idea uh specific questions that he had am i a creep i don't think you're a creep but i do think you misread this and i think you'd sent the wrong text i don't even want to say that much because she took the first swing he escalated and now it's just a weird thing listen you can flirt with someone and then not respond to a text it It makes the person seem like a weirdo.

Yeah, I guess. But like anytime you say we would make cute babies together, it feels like a lot. Yeah, especially because every baby is cute. That's sort of a, anybody can say that. Who's going to say I made an ugly baby with someone? Yeah, I don't know. We'd make ugly babies together. That's a funny pickup line though. Let'd make ugly babies together. We could make a, that's a funny

pickup line though. Let's make ugly babies together. A pickup line? Sorry, not pickup line. Bad Tinder. Vow. Bio.

Bad bio. How about a hinge bio? How about a decent hinge bio? How about a Raya song? Is your voice singing that as your slideshow, please. Let's make ugly babies together.

All right, we're out of time. Thanks for writing in. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, anything of that sort, send them all down to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song, remember, was the Simpsons one written by James, and this closing one is Landon,

who made another A Little Bit of Sleep Though rap. A Little Bit of Sleep Though. A Little Bit of Sleep Though. If you want more me and Jake, we have podcasts, Not Another D&D Podcast, and Buckets, two completely opposite shows,

all on the same magical network, HeadGum. Thank you so much for listening. We will be back as soon as humanly possible. We don't want to leave you for too long. Yeah. Can't wait.

Talk soon. Bye. So what are you going for? Me? 34. An icy rain. Give me that sleep though. A little bit of sleep. A little bit. Give me that sleep though. A little bit of sweet.

A little bit of sweet. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.