Segments - 349: Savor the Sausage

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

In this episode we discuss Jake's new hobby and whether or not it's detrimentally odd.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. You woke up two hours late and then forgot your breakfast. Someone's busting your balls and found some stupidness in. Your job's as boring as shit. You've got no girl, you're unfit.

Where there's a will, there's a way When the sky is falling on you When you just don't know what to do Just listen closely to Jake and Amir If I were you If I were you If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. Dope song. Whoa, that was really good. I feel bad that I didn't find this when they submitted it three years ago. Whoa, three years. I hope they're still a band. I bet they're even better than they were then. It's called the JJ Experience from the UK.

And they were at our London show. Three years ago. Yeah. So one, I hope they're still a band. And two, I hope we see them again and they get message that we support them. We love them. We use their song. Yes. I hope they get message that we support them. We love them. We use their song. Yes.

I hope you get message. Facebook.com slash the JJ experience. Does that still work? Facebook is also not around anymore. So the whole system and universe has changed. Coming out in a dystopian future. Or you could check them out on MySpace. Oh, no.

This email is so old. They also have a Friendster that you wanted to add them to. We're fucked. Shit. Well, thank you, JJ Experience. And I apologize. You know what it is? I search song in Gmail for the songs.

So people email us ifireshow at gmail.com. They'll write, this is a theme song here's a song opening song and they wrote here's a theme tune for y'all wow so then i decided one day recently i'm going to search theme nice in addition to song and i found a few people that said theme or theme tune or opening theme and uh here we are. Beautiful story. Apologize. But we made it. This is If I Were You,

the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. Jake here. How was your Yom Kippur? Did you atone? Did you fast? Did you sin last year? Did you find it necessary to fast at all?

It was actually interesting. In the end, I didn't sin at all. So you were like... So I woke up having had. Yeah. And I had. So you woke up, you're on the way to temple and you're like, wait a minute, atone for sins? I haven't done shit. Yeah. And then you did a U-turn and you sort of clipped an old lady in a walker and you're like, that's for next year. That's for next year. She was jaywalking anyway, God. And then you were sort of learning how to drive a manual car starting and stopping.

And it was tough because I was drunk. Yeah. You've been drunk driving a lot recently. Yeah. But you think it's quote out of necessity. So not a sin, not a sin. Sometimes I'll be drunk, but I'll have to go somewhere. Yeah. And then what am I supposed to do? Yeah, you can call it Uber or Lyft, but you don't think that's worth atoning. No. You're also constantly being jealous and envious of your neighbor. You covet your neighbor's wife a lot. Yes. Which is like one of the big sins. Right. Not because I like want her. She just has an awesome job. Yeah. So that's... But I'm jealous of her. Right. So that's an example of a sin that you could have atoned for. Well, I'm not like doing any... You don't respect your elders, which is like a huge part of it. What are you talking about? Because I egged one nursing home?

Yeah. So you egged a nursing home. That could have been a sin. Right. But it wasn't because I gave... Because it was like donating food. Yeah. Donating food by giving a nursing home eggs? Yeah. How's that bad? That shall not murder. Does that ring a bell? I didn't murder anybody

there's manslaughter yeah you kill homicide right you kill people in cold blood well yeah it was cold-blooded murder right that kind of in another i'm a murderer a drunk an envious neighbor the worst sin is that i covet yeah nobody wants to covet your neighbor's life as much as you do. I coveted my neighbor's wife so much that I strangled my neighbor in cold blood. That's right, two for one. The crime that's going to send me to hell is the coveting. It seems like you're eating more today, whereas you should be fasting. You're actually going out of your way to shove more food down your throat.

Yes. Let's get to these emails who are people in maybe not as dire situations as the ones we just described, but they need our, quote, holy wisdom. Whoa. So let's call this guy Abraham. Nice. Hello, I found myself in a puzzling situation and I need your holy wisdom. I'm a 21-year-old dude who recently got himself his very first girlfriend. There always is. Her Facebook photos suck. Okay. I'm saying this because I know once we go official, many of my friends and people I know from high school are going to be checking her out on social, and her photos aren't great.

They're either a really bad angle or too old or low quality. They show her doing weird faces or something else that makes the photos not very attractive at all. There are a few good ones, but they're buried under a pile of bad photos. I know this girl's cute as fuck and I want to show her off to everyone, but I don't feel like these photos show her full potential. I hope this doesn't make me an asshole, but it would be great if I can somehow have her put up some really nice pics before we go public. I'd even be willing to help out as I think my photography skills are deece. So my question is,

how can I make my girlfriend put up better photos of herself on social media before we tell everyone about us without offending her and sounding like an asshole? Thanks a lot, guys. Wow, what a roller coaster. It's tough. He wants to, it's half romantic. I just want to share you with the world. But first, you have to make yourself a little hotter on Facebook. Yeah. I want to scream your name from the rooftop as long as you change your pics. The pettiness, the shallowness

of it all undercuts the romance a bit for me. He's not really a Romeo. He's more of a Tybalt, if you will. I don't. You know a lot about Shakespeare, I thought. Yeah, I didn't read that. The one, the most popular one? What was it? The Razio and Julia?

That was the one name that I had said. Debrasio and who? Yes, Mayor Deblasio. And Julia? And Julia. Deblasio and Julia. Yes, Mayor De Blasio. And Julia. And Julia. De Blasio and Julia. Yeah, I must have not seen that one. Well, what he's, I mean, it feels like the answer is baked into the question. I just, I feel bad giving him the answer for free because he's sort of a dickling turd. Yeah. He's a bad guy about it. Yeah.

Because he knows that what he's thinking isn't nice. Because he doesn't even want to broach it to her because he would feel like an asshole, which is how he should feel when he's writing this to us. Yeah. Because, I mean, you shouldn't even care about the photos to begin with. I think it's kind of nice when somebody, like somebody doesn't have a meticulously curated social media presence. Yeah, what do you want? Somebody with the

headshots, the high-res photos, the multiple angles, the beautiful backdrops. I think I'd be more embarrassed about dating somebody that had that. So he says, can I do it without offending her or sounding like an asshole? It sounds like the

answer is no. Yeah, no, you can. Oh, you can? Because he suggested like taking photos himself. And that is kind of what you have to do. Oh, you say, oh, let's take some photos together. Or can I practice my photography on you? Yeah. Or like, don't even make it a thing. Just like start taking photos and posting them of her, like that you think think are good and then you tag them in her and then that'll be on her profile you guys go out to the park one day you're like oh let me take a photo you look really cute boom click post it that's fine now that bumps down one of the weird angle photos i wonder who this what strikes me as weird is how he's like i have this girl but my friends don't know about her yet he's gonna like debut her go public with her i didn't know that was such a thing anymore. The idea of like telling everyone at

once and having them look like, don't they know who this girl is, let alone have met her before? He's in his friends from high school. So it seems like maybe he's in college and he's like been dating somebody. He's going to go, he's going to like announce the relationship. And since they're not there, they'll see it. Or if he's so shallow that he's straight up talking about people that he doesn't hang out with at all anymore. Like she's met my group of friends. She's met my family. But now it's time to go public. The boy's back home.

And all of my old acquaintances will now be able to see her. I'd hate for them to think that she's as ugly on the outside as I am on the in. Nice. Alright, so one, don't do this. And two, if you wanted to, you can offer to take some photos of her and upload those to Facebook so that all your friends think you're dating someone as attractive as you think

she is. Yeah. There you have it. Cool. It's easy sometimes. It's easy, M'kay? Nice. This is a lady. Let's easy sometimes. It's easy, M'kay. Nice. This is a lady. Let's call her Sarah, Abraham's wife. Right. Hey, guys.

Just going to get right to it. I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple months now, and everything is perfect. What do you think her next line is? Except for. Except one thing. He masturbates with his best male friend i've never heard of guys doing this before but he assures me it isn't weird or quote gay i'm not sure what to do i really like this guy but it weirds me out and i don't know how to feel please help me love sarah p.s it's not like they're

just jerking each other off they're just masturbating to the same video in the same room. How old did you say they are? It doesn't mention, but we assume high school? Yeah. This is high school behavior for you? I mean, I think this is middle school behavior. Oh, even younger than high school. But I wouldn't, I don't think I've ever had the confidence to be like, I jerk off in the same room as my buddy, Mike.

Yeah. That's fine. It's normal. To the same video. I definitely didn't do it when I had a girlfriend. This is sort of like girlfriend-less behavior. Yeah. When you're a kid and puberty has just completely ravaged your body, hormones are spilling out of all your greasy pores and you just got to jerk off with your friends

because you can't even handle it anymore. Because you have to jerk off like 12 times a day. Or you'll explode. And like some of the times you're with your friends and it's just going to fucking have to happen. You've done this before, correct? When I was growing up, like watching Scramble Vision in my friend's basement,

like in like sixth or seventh grade. Lights are on? No, lights are off. Everybody's just like jerking off under a blanket, like in their own corners of the room. Like sort of like this perverted Nickelodeon of sorts, one of those Pee Wee Herman type smut rooms

where everyone comes for a couple nickels, takes a seat. This happened like in the 70s in New York City. People going to like the porno theater. Yeah. And they'd have to jerk off in the theater with a bunch of other people. Really, this guy's just honestly a thespian of sorts. He's probably a fan of the fine arts and respects his history. So he's doing it like they did in the 70s in New York,

where people would walk into a room and masturbate with each other. Exactly. This guy's got some grit. He's got some class. So why do you not do this with a girlfriend? Because it's deviant behavior? It's... Oh, like, no, I think I just, I mean, when I had a girlfriend, I think I had outgrown the need to masturbate to scramble vision during sleepovers. I think I was like a little beyond that. But I also think that I feel like society has changed so much that like everybody has an iPhone. So it's kind of weird.

If I was in a room with somebody and I really felt like I needed to masturbate, I would be like, excuse me, I must go rub one out. I've got my own personal porn screen here. Yeah, it seems like they're not doing it out of necessity. It's almost like a fun little co-bonding experience where it's like we're masturbating together. Yeah. I don't think I'd call it gay, but I'd call it weird. Yeah. I think this is abnormal.

Weird has such a negative connotation. It doesn't mean bad. It just means less than, let's say, 10% of people do it. Yeah. Like, it might be weird to whistle a lot in the shower. That's weird. Right. But it's not necessarily bad.

It's just that most people don't do it. That's weird. Right. But it's not necessarily bad. It's just that most people don't do it. That's true. And also, but like, and this is, I feel like this is also subject to how it's making her feel. So like, well, this guy might not think it's weird. It's not weird to him. This is normal. She finds it weird. Who's to say who's right, you know?

Right. But like, you can't hide from your truth you think it's weird he thinks it's not but imagine like you doing this today wouldn't the love of your life be like that's kind of weird yeah i think if i mean if i was doing as a married 33 year old it's it's beyond weird but is it bad to masturbate in the same room with like if we were watching if we were watching like hbo and uh there was like a really beautiful lady and she was topless and we're like let's pause it so we can masturbate to the scene me and you yeah yeah would that be negative would that be cheating would that be a bad thing to a relationship?

Yes, I think. I mean, I don't think it's cheating to masturbate. I don't think it's negative to jerk off, but I think it's odd. And I think that it might be so odd that it'd be detrimental to my relationship. Detrimentally odd is the official category. Detrimentally odd is the official category. Detrimentally odd. Because if you do something that seems so out of character that it like makes the person you are in love with feel like they don't know you, then that's detrimentally odd.

Detrimental. What's another example of something that's not bad, but detrimentally odd? I was going to say littering, but that's actually bad for the environment. That's right. Oh, maybe like eating something really, really strange. Why is that detrimentally odd? Because like it's not actually, it's not necessarily bad for you, but somebody who loves you could be like, oh my God, I can't believe you eat that. Like you put that in your body. I'm God, I can't believe you eat that. Like you put that in your body. I'm like, I find you less attractive for that thing. And you'd have to like hide that

from somebody. Right. Remember the friends episode where Ross and Joey cuddle? They have the best nap ever. Yeah. Yeah. So like if you and I had like a nightly planned cuddle sesh. Could that be considered weird, gay, or detrimentally odd? I think it could be considered detrimentally odd. Only because it's detrimentally odd to me. I can't, I cannot, but I do cuddle with the Rosenbergs. So what's the difference here? If Dave slept over, I would like, he would sleep on my chest. I know. Like some sort of cat turned into a 200-pound male. Yeah. I think it's really just like what's in character and out of character.

And if it's out of character, then it's detrimentally odd. But for him, it's in character. This guy's character is to do this. So it's not out odd but for him it's in character this guy's character is to do this so it's not out of character to him so it's weird to classify this as detrimentally odd yeah but i guess i guess finding it out makes it you know it's hard to say because like for instance jill knows that i cuddle the rosenbergs. She wouldn't find this behavior detrimentally odd. But if she found out that every time we record a podcast, I sit

on your lap. That, I think that's like... Speaking into the same microphone. Yeah, that's such a shock. That's a shock to the system. That it rocks you a little bit. So I think... If it's a rocking shock, then it's detrimentally awkward.

Yeah, I think that's... I'll say that. And then for this, would you say it's detrimentally odd if this is who this man is? This is his equivalent of cuddling with a Rosenberg not sitting on my lap? Yeah, I guess, I mean...

So it's not detrimentally... It's detrimentally odd for his girlfriend to find out. So it's up to him to like explain that this is in character and like why it's fine. But I think that she's allowed to question it a little more, a little more rigorously. And she doesn't have to necessarily just accept that this is like her reality forever well she should at least know that like not 90 of other guys do this yeah she can take a quick straw poll of other men in her life oh do you jerk off next to your in the same room as your

best friend is that something you guys do still what do they all say yes and we're just out of touch? They might. In Kansas City in 2018, the teenagers tend to do this perhaps. Yeah. I mean, who knows? And maybe we're the ones that are weird. Well, she'll find out when she takes the straw poll. And let us know what you think. Let us know what answers you get. I want to know the results of this poll. Me too. All right, let's take a break. Let's thank some sponsors. And we'll be back on the other side of this intermission. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lot sooner than I thought. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah. Well, I don't really.

But I wanted to at least talk about how you spent last night and then sort of frame it in a way that's giving unsolicited advice. Oh, the advice of finding a meaningful... Sure, I've got it. Everyone should find a meaningful hobby that enriches your life and makes you a happy gentleman. And how did you pursue that yesterday? I ordered a miniature dragon that I intend to paint in my garage. Any other brain busters, Bloomapho? All I have are brain busters.

Why? Why did you do it? Why did I order a miniature dragon to paint? Because I also ordered a miniature hero of myself, Hardwon Surefoot, to paint. So you already done that. Didn't you already get a miniature Hardwon Surefoot? Don't you have two at this point? I just ordered a third, Bob.

Why'd you order a third? Can't you paint one of the first two you have? Couple reasons. One is in bronze and it's not really good for painting, pal. So any other brain busters? Yes, what about the plastic one? The first one, well, that was the 3D printed hard one, Surefoot, and it's not exactly prime for painting, pal.

Any other brain busters? So you order a third Surefoot. This one is prime for painting. This one's in premium plastic, friend. From the same website? Yeah, it's all from Hero Forge, hombre. And then in addition to the hard one, you wanted him to have a dragon of the same size? Well, it's not exactly the same size.

It's a miniature, but it's to scale. So the hard one is 35 millimeters, but this dragon is about seven inches, bub. So hard one is three inches tall. 35 millimeters, less than an inch tall. Very small. But in the world of D&D, the dragon, the dragons are huge. So to scale, this dragon is also a miniature, but it's a gargantuan miniature. So you went from a one-inch hard one to a seven-inch dragon.

Correctamundo. And the plan is to what? Paint them? Yes, I'm going to paint them both. Okay. And what does painting them entail other than just like spray painting them blue or whatever? You can't spray paint them? Yes, I'm going to paint them both. Okay. And what does painting them entail other than just like spray painting them blue or whatever? You can't spray paint them blue. You, well, first I need a jeweler's loop.

So you get a jeweler's loop, which is basically the little monocle, the one-eyed monocle. It's sort of like a big mounted magnifying glass with a light on an arm. And then I am going to paint them. With a little small brush. With a tiny little brush, correctamundo. Okay.

You do that. That takes hours or whatever. Yeah. Then you're done with it. They're dry. They're painted. Correctamundo. Now, what?

I am constructing an adult diorama. I don't understand what's hard about this. That's the first time I've heard that. An adult diorama? Yes. What is that? Well, so I record a portion of my Dungeons & Dragons podcast from home, the short rest podcast. Okay. of my Dungeons and Dragons podcast from home, the Short Rest podcast.

And I wanted to sort of set up a little scene wherein Hard One, my character, is fighting a dragon. Okay. So set up a scene. Yeah, just like when I look upon it, I will be filled with joy. Got it. So it's more like you're almost making like a sculpture, like a 3D painting of Hardwon, your character next to a dragon. On your desk downstairs, do you or do you not have a plastic model of Shaquille O'Neal breaking a backboard?

Yes, I do. That's essentially what i'm doing only instead of me thinking shaquille o'neal breaking a backboard is cool as you do i think hard one surefit single-handedly slaying a dragon is pretty cool so it's kind of like our uh just like an art piece you're not doing you're not play pretend fighting you're just putting them next to each other. Yes. I'm making a 3D art thing. And did you... Watch a 15 minute YouTube tutorial on how to paint miniatures?

Yes. I wasn't going to ask that. Okay. Did you see this and come up with the idea or is this completely novel originally? You're like, I want an adult diorama because the phrase adult diorama seems like it was given to you somewhere. I think Emily Axford might have called it an adult diorama at one point. But I think so. What got me into it was when we did our live show in Seattle.

Yeah. We took a tour of Wizards of the Coast and those are the people that created Magic the Gathering. They now own the D&D books and game as well. And in their office, they have all these amazing murals, paintings, huge life-size statues, but then they also have these miniatures.

And I saw all of the miniatures that they make. They're toys for adults. People use them during D&D play where you have a map. Since ours is a podcast, we don't use a map. But some people who play D&D use kind of like a board to know where their character is and how far they can move. Got it. A character can move 25 feet in one action. They're actually using a map to move their character.

Almost like a board game. Yeah. But yours is not a board game. Yours is just like a pretend thing. Right. But that's where miniatures, I think, come to come to play yeah but i just like the way they look so seeing them at the wizards of the coast i was like i want to do that i want to just like set up a really small scene that uh looks cool and i'm just gonna have that on my desk as like desk decoration. Got it. And does it, it starts with the dragon.

Then do you build out from there? I think for me personally, I'm just going to have my dude and a dragon. But as I was watching these YouTube videos, I like, it's sort of like adults getting into like Bob Ross paintings. Right. It's just like arts and crafts. Right. It's just like a super soothing thing where you like sit down and you paint like, cause all of them come unpainted. They're just

like plastic molds. Right. And you can just straight up paint a little guy and that's it. That's, that's your afternoon. Yeah. It's like a little hobby, a new hobby. Yeah. I have no idea if I'm actually going to like painting it, but watching the YouTube tutorials that I was watching last night made me feel very at ease. It's hard for me to focus on one thing. Like, I feel like every time I'm using my computer, I've got like 10 different tabs open. I'm like planning a trip, editing a script, responding to an email, like sending somebody a picture of something. It's just like, there's so much shit happening. Right. picture of something. It's just like, there's so much shit happening. But I legit just watched a full 15 minute YouTube video of somebody painting a miniature because I was like enthralled. So it's like adult coloring books are now a rage where it's like a therapeutic way to unwind, decompress. It's similar to that. And in a lamer way too, I used to be really into the idea of woodworking.

Yeah. And I think I made a side table. I was thinking about, oh, I'm going to make a really beautiful box. And I just imagined sitting in a workshop sanding a box and staining it and doing all that stuff. And now I realize that I don't know if I have the craftsmanship to actually to be a master woodworker, but I think I might be able to paint D&D characters in my garage. So I'm going to do that. This is the good beginning to a scene of like you as an old man painting like a surefoot or like another character. And then the neighborhood boys like run by and like throw a handball at you and it just sort of like ruins your entire project. and you're like get back here what are you doing come i'm gonna tell your parents

on you it's like yeah whatever old man and then you look at the old man yeah and you look down at your thing and it's like ruined and it's kind of a sad moment that sets up your character that's cool and then i like go upstairs and i yell honey i'm home but we find out that my wife died 10 years ago so i call my son, he doesn't answer. You pick up a leash and walk around the neighborhood with it. It's not attached to any dog, stuff like that. I was refusing to admit that my life sucks. Can't wait for that part of your life, that chapter. So the unsolicited advice is get a fucking hobby. Get a hobby, get a fucking hobby. And once my once my miniature painting

studio is up and running i'm gonna i'm gonna open up like a po box oh that's people can send me their miniatures with a pre-addressed envelope uh to return it and i'll paint it because i don't think i want to do it i don't want to create a a miniature for my or i don't want to have a ton of them but i think i like the idea of doing it you know what's similar to my dad used to have like a train set when i was a kid oh yeah like adult train sets yeah building designing like setting it up and then there's like people like paint model airplanes and stuff yeah yeah you do totally i i guess like weird adult man hobbies it like, it's so close to me having a dollhouse. It is. It's so dangerously close to me having a dollhouse.

I mean, you'll have some sort of home for a hard one in the dragon. It'll be my desk. And one day I'll make a castle and it will be a castle, not a dollhouse. Yeah, I guess. A miniature castle. That's not cooler. You just bragged about the size of it being smaller than a normal castle. I'm going to get so fucking into this.

All right. Keep us posted. We want to know more. Well, I'm sure you'll post to your Instagram and or stories about the progress. Follow my ass at Jake Hurwitz, everybody. Or you can create your own YouTube channel. You can make your own time-lapse videos. Oh, that seems like an additional step that would make it more annoying. I love the idea of just disconnecting and painting.

Right. If I have to set up, I guess it's easy enough to just do it with my phone. I'm like, Instagram live it. That's right. Fuck it, I'll do that. I love content. All right, here's a question called autoerotic martial arts, or as I call it, the karate boner. Nice.

So why don't we call this guy Mr. Miyagi. Karate. I'm an 18-year-old dude from New Zealand and recently become pretty sexually active. My girlfriend and I throw down on the reg And I'm starting to get excited Experimenting with some kinky stuff Something I'm low-key interested in Is a little cheeky-wee-choke action

Cheeky-wee-chokey But there's a problem I'm big into martial arts And I've been doing them since I was six I'm a bit of a beast in that regard And at the moment I'm thoroughly into some Brazilian jiu-jitsu Hitting the mats as much as nine and a bit of a beast in that regard, and at the moment, I'm thoroughly into some Brazilian jiu-jitsu, hitting the mats as much as nine and a half hours a week.

For those of you who don't know, BJJ, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, is a grappler's martial arts, meaning instead of punching and kicking, we beat our opponents through joint locks, holds, and yes, choking. Heh, here go my problem. I'm definitely afraid that if my girlfriend and I start getting into choking in the bedroom, I'm going to have some fucking Pavlovian shit in dojo and get my heart on with some guy's girthy hand around my neck. I'm not even afraid that people will think I'm gay or anything. I'm pretty effeminate as it is, but it would be embarrassing is all.

So my question is, should I just say what the heck? I'll have her wring my neck and risk a rock hard cock with my face and some guy's jock? Todah and thanks in advance, Mr. Miyagi. When he said Pavlovian response, I was worried that he was going to like, as soon as she chokes him a little bit in the bedroom, he was going to go into full defense mode, put her in a leg lock and make her tap out. Yeah. Or like as soon as he gets choked, he like his Pavlovian response to like martial art, self-defense, karate chop. Oh, my God. I don't know my own strength, babe.

I'm so sorry. Yeah. He's going to like Jason Bourne, his girlfriend. How did I know that? Put her in a figure four and just be like, what training have I had? Who am I? And why? Is this a problem?

I don't think he's going to get a boner. I feel like the choking adds to the sex. It's not necessarily the thing that's the hottest part of sex i never think about getting a boner and a gi because that must come up a lot it's like a martial art you're doing in a robe but isn't there like the belt that can keep your situation also you can still wear underwear right just by being in a gi. I imagine you wear underwear. And if you're really worried, you could put your dick up into the belt area and tie it real tight. Yeah, like lift it up. But then if it's too big of a dick, it starts coming out through the chest area.

Like if I moved my cock up, it would scratch my nose. You know what I mean? Because I have a fucking four-foot schlong. And when it's rock fucking why would you even lie that to that extent like you could if you said you had a 10 inch dick it'd be unbelievable i don't have a 10 inch you said four feet i have a you're six feet dick you have a dick that is you know how people tie their white belt around their gi disattached from your body your dick would be from your nipples to your feet?

I really think so. I think if it was disattached from my body, it would be from my nipples to my feet. I'll use it as a belt, so I'll fucking strap my gi in with my dick, and that's when it's soft. And I'm a shower and a grower. You're a flesh belt. I guess you can say that. I'm a flesh colored belt. I think if you have a boner during karate, that's good because you have an extra thing that you can like chop somebody with.

Oh. Hi-ya one hand, hi-ya other hand, foot, foot, and then slap them with the dick. Yeah, I think that's how karate. It's like a finishing move. I think that's how karate kid ended, right? He did like the crane thing, but then like instead of the kick, his like dick came out and like... Wax on, get off. That's really good.

Thank you. Cut your dick off. I don't know what else to say at this point. Yeah, I don't hate that advice. Because then you wouldn't have to worry about if you had a boner during uh bjj and you can still get like excited and interested because like your balls are still there and that's where the testosterone is right if you leave um like the if you leave part of your shaft or your head or it's like if you chop it off kind of like in a weird way and they reconstruct it just by like leaving

you just the mushroom tip of your neck almost as like a little clitoris for yourself, then you might even be able to like get yourself to climax still. That's cool. But you wouldn't have to worry about getting a boner during karate. Is a penile reduction a type of licensed plastic surgery that one could even get if necessary? I believe I've heard of it, but I can't, I don't know if I've heard of it in reality or if it's just how a lot of porns that I watch start. It's all the same. A nurse is like, wow, you're here for a penile reduction surgery?

Yeah. Let's see that cock. Whoa, my God. Why would you ever want to reduce it? I have to touch it. That's good. That's where fucking all the problems start. Every porn is just like, oh, somebody sees your penis and they have to fuck you.

Yeah, you'd be a great porn writer, man. I'm serious. That's the game for every episode. So you're painting your little things. You're writing your little porn. Don't you foul my hobby up. I'm not going to be a porn writer. I'm going to be a fucking Dungeons and Dragons miniature painter.

Those two things do not intersect. All right, fine. All right, one last question. British guy here. Let's call him Romeo. Nice. So you do know Romeo's name now. And I just forgot that he was British is all.

Now that you referenced that point, it just, it unlocked the entire play for me. And I'm back in the zone. Romeo, Juliet, Mercatio, the Romulets, the Caputans, and they're all just debuting here and there. And it ends with a Greco-Roman, not orgy, but cuckolding session.

You made me forget Romeo's last name. You got it so wrong. Romeo has a last name? Oh yeah, Montague. Oh, that's nice. Romeo Montague, Juliet Capulet. I didn't realize that that was also their last name. I don't know if it is.

All right. I work with a girl who's got it going on, a solid 7.26 out of 10. She would absolutely be my type, but there's one big problem. She's a lesbian. She's not dated a guy for 10 years, and she has a constant string of girlfriends. I've always admired her from afar, but not attempted to woo her because what's the point? We have always been friendly, but last Friday night, this all changed. We had a work night out and things got flirty.

She ended up coming back to my place and we did the dirty all over the apartment. While we were in the drunken, passionate state, she kept saying how much she liked me for a long time, but can't see herself with a man. In the morning, there was some chit-chat cuddles, kissing swiftly followed by a taxi home. Do you think that this gives me the green light to now pursue her? Do you think that she could be tempted to stop being a lesbian and instead savor the sausage? Oh, God. I was with you until savor the sausage. Oh God, I was with you until savor the sausage. Thank you so much. I had to say it. How do you think I feel? Thank you so much for your help.

Love, Romeo. Oh, what a romantic. So what a hopeless romantic. How can I get a lesbian to savor the sausage? I bet if you just said, will you want to savor the sausage? She would stop being into you. And that would sort of solve that problem. It's funny to be like, do you think a night of passionate sex and a morning of cuddling gives me the green light to pursue her? What do you mean pursue? There's no pursuit. It's done. The chase is off.

Well, he wants more than a one-night stand. He wants a relationship with this lady. Right. I just think that the green light is clear. Like, it's clearly the green light was there. You went through the green light. You are now on the road to the relationship. Oh, you think it's going to happen?

Courtship is fine. She said she liked him. She just can't see herself with a man. He is a man, though. That's the problem. But she likes him. She had sex with him it seems like the the scale of lesbian and straight is like she's not all the way on one side here because she's having sex with guys yes or at the very least this guy this guy so

you're saying this does give him the green light to now pursue her maybe ask her out on a date i'm saying there's a chance yeah at least address what happened be like i liked that did you like that could you see that happening again except you know use real words right but she already said i can't see myself being with a man what i thought she said that during the throes of their drunken passionate lovemaking uh yes that's right she kept saying how she liked me for a long time but can't see herself with a man why don't you have a sober conversation with her i would explore that that theme sober yeah and then see if she actually once sober day after though i imagine if she said that in the throes of passion, she definitely means it in the sober next morning throes of

you know, day after blow. Hangover. Yeah. When you're hungover, you definitely don't want that. And so the fact that it didn't happen when she was passionately drunkenly doing this guy. But I think that it's not like she was saying

you're cool, but i'll never be with a guy like saying i like you but i can't date you while you're fucking somebody is like that's there's so many mixed signals signals there that i don't think i don't think that anything means anything right now uh okay so i think the the idea is to have a one-on-one with her post-drunken night out. Yeah. See if she actually does. Have a conversation. And you should let her know that you also like her.

Yeah. And if she says, no, it's not going to happen, then I guess it's off to the next straight person that you see. No need to try to, I guess. Convert somebody. To savor the quote sausage. All right, that's it. That's it.

That's our time. Thank you for writing in. If you have your own questions or your own theme songs, we're running low on theme songs again, people. Yeah, we got this boy searching themes at this point. So send them all down. If you've been on the fence or if we haven't used yours, maybe jog my memory.

The email address for everything is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by JJX. This closing one is a Hey Ya parody written by James Weir. Nice. Thanks, James. Thanks, JJX. And thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week.

Later. One, two, three, four. next week. Later. Hey, I hate you. Hey, I hate you. Hey, I hate you. That was a Hate Gum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today.

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