Segments - 35: Merkin (with Allison Williams)

Episode Date: November 7, 2013

Star of HBO's "Girls" Allison Williams joins us to discuss manscaping, poking, and pornography. This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace! Build your own website/online store in just minutes! It's easy and cheap, especially if you use coupon code "IfIWereYou." See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Just to make sure I am correct, I will sing it one more time. No, you don't have to do that. Oh, okay. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. It's a bonus episode, so thank you extra much to Squarespace for sponsoring it, for bringing us back on a shortened week and hey what is squarespace great question square i really don't know they've been advertising with us for a while don't you listen to when i explain it i've even explained

it before but uh i zone out you're sort of a diva but i'm gonna listen this time let's go all right just try to focus squarespace is an, simple way to create a website. Are you listening? I got it, but it hurts. Creating a website is difficult. You often have to find someone nerdier and smarter than yourself to actually do it for you. But now Squarespace allows you to do that for very, very cheap. And it's going to be even cheaper now if you use coupon code IFIWEREYOU. That's right.

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and let us know. Yeah, and you can build, you know, just a generic website, a blog, a portfolio, an online portfolio, and even a store. That's right. The hardest thing to build.

They build it for you. So thank you, Squarespace. Please check them out and enjoy this episode. Very special one. Miss Allison Williams was here, and... She nails it. Things got real.

Things, yeah. Things get happy. Things get real. You know it was good because it was over an hour long. So, without further ado, please enjoy the episode. If you had one question or one inquiry to seize every cheese you ever wanted in one comment, would you hashtag dope it or left swipe it on Tinder? Yo. You better email if I were you. Show a Gmail, but don't worry.

They won't let your name show. Anonymity's got you saved, so make your question known. That's Jake and Amir at If I Were You, the show. Self-conscious. What? What happened? That was good he had a perfect game going no he didn't he had eminem had a perfect game going he played some

of his perfect game then went out and took a shit on the mound it was perfect right up until he started rapping is that how this song goes he you know I feel a little bit bad making fun of him, but it seems like he gave up, too. By the end, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a stroke during it. I can't believe we recorded it. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. I wanted to introduce Allison because I feel like she's not going to talk until we do, right?

Is that what you're waiting for? Yeah, that's probably going to be my plan. So we're here today with a very special guest, Allison Williams. And she's our first repeat guest. I am honored what a milestone having me it's our first yeah we uh we asked a lot about allison as a guest but it says a lot about us as a podcast what does that say we've reached uh we've reached 32 33 episodes now i think it's just that I responded to your text first. Chill. It was a group text. All of us. Pat, Ricky, me.

Your mom. And everybody else just said nose goes and sent pictures of themselves with their hands on their nose. Weirdly, your mom was first. Yeah. XOXO mom. Wow. You really are. I'm a huge fan of the peak ass.

You're also our only guest that actually listens to the show. So we appreciate that, too. That's not fair. actually listens to the show, so we appreciate that too. That's not fair. Ricky listens to the show. That's true. Pat definitely doesn't. That much was clear. It's okay, we can make fun of Pat. He won't be listening to this. He won't hear it. So the show is called If I Were You.

Who sent that? Did he call it tender? I think that's what threw him off. I think he said tender, got distracted, fell asleep, started rapping in his sleep. Fell asleep on the record button. It's an Eminem parody up until a certain point then he started singing.

That's not how it works. Eminem raps. How promising is it when it started? Dude, those chords, I was so excited. And then there's some kind of weird song filter. He auto-tuned it but the auto-tune broke. Guys then there's some kind of weird song filter. He auto-tuned it, but the auto-tune broke. Guys, if you do have your own song, we usually don't ridicule the person.

I feel bad. We do feel a little bit bad. But at the same time, he gave up in the middle. So I don't feel entirely too bad. We're going to circle back and keep trying this. This time of attack. Certainly you guys can do something like that. We keep'm just saying

like oh we appreciate it we don't mean to make fun of him but at the same time he was awful uh but no we do encourage you guys to to send in your songs we appreciate creativity at the same time uh that guy was the worst but also though we really appreciate it we love that he did it uh that being said it was absolute garbage Don't ever do it again. Obviously, you had your one shot and you did miss your chance to float. So, I mean, I feel bad. I'm reading his email right now and it just says he's been a fan since day one. He's been watching us forever and this is it.

So, we do love you, Red Bell Central. And we do appreciate you doing that for us. Give it a second try. We'll play it again. We'll play another one. We'll play it every goddamn episode. As long as it sounds as humorously as it does when you just sort of fall asleep on the fade out button.

Yeah. Anyway. You turned into a ghost and floated away. So how does this podcast work? Well, it works by people email us in their questions. Email them in. Do you think that sounds wrong? I don't know.

Only when you point it out. Well, you're not supposed to end. If you were to end the sentence there, it would be grammatically incorrect. Which is exactly what I said at the end of that episode. But you don't end it there. So I say, just email us in and. That was the problem. Email us your question.

They're not putting them somewhere. If you were turning them in, you'd use the word in. Turn in your question. Are we on a show? Just email us in and... No, you're like, what? Email us in what? They email us in their questions.

In the internet. That's making it... Oh, they email us in their questions. Yeah. Yeah, they're in like a difficult situation. And they try to seek advice from us. And we do our best to offer it to them. And sometimes we are joined by guests like today. Yeah, and today we're joined by a very special guest.

We already introduced her, right? The specialist guest. Aw, you guys. Ma'am. So. Thank you for calling me ma'am. Ma'am. I'm respecting that part of my writer.

Ma'am. The first time I've ever been nice to'am. Ma'am. I'm respecting that part of my writer. Ma'am. The first time I've ever been nice to a woman. Ma'am. Should we get this party started? In here? Let's get it started in ha. Ooh, that would be a good parody song. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like we shouldn't even ask anymore because now they're coming in and they sound like that Eminem. Actually, you know what, guys? We appreciate all the fan submissions on the songs and he ruined it for everyone. I think that's the last one. That was always the worst in school. It's like, well, that was ruined by one classmate. He ruined it for everyone. He took it to a

dark place. It's like the guy who tried to set his shoes on fire on an airplane and now we all have to put it on the bin. Yeah, you dick. He really did win. Was that the crime? Didn't he have a bomb in his shoe? The shoe bomber. He didn't try to put it on the bin. Yeah, you dick. He really did win. Was that the crime? Yeah. Didn't he have a bomb in his shoe?

Yeah. The shoe bomber. He didn't try to set them on fire. I think, didn't he? Well, he had a bomb in there and he tried to light them. It like went off. Did it go off?

It didn't work. It was on you because your feet are going to explode. That is the ultimate, the ultimate revenge. Either way, we're still putting our shoes in a goddamn bin

thanks to that guy. You jerk. You ass. You know you can put them on again, Amir, right? What? You know you can put your shoes back on, right? Oh, no. It just sucks.

Now because of him, we leave the shoes in the bin. We have to ride the plane barefoot. The garbage bin. Go right straight to a fucking shoe store. I've spent a goddamn fortune on shoes since 9-11. I have to finish my water, throw my shoes away. How is that fair? It's not.

All right. Let's get started. In ha. In ha. This first email comes from a person we'll call Aladdin. No spoilers as to what the theme is. Just know that we're calling this person Aladdin. Aladdin is a real email, fake fake name to preserve his anonymity oh fuck that's the first time i

didn't say anonymity correctly i got so excited to beat alison to the punch you're here every week it's not a contest the ironic thing is you've probably listened to more episodes than jake. That is not fair. But that is true. No, I listen to every episode. That's not true. Yes, it is. You listen to every episode?

I'm a narcissist. In that regard. All right, ready? Yeah. My friends kept going on about how your schlong looks heaps bigger when shaven so i went for a wax the lady there convinced me to opt for a super expensive full permanent laser to completely remove all the hair there forever i had been going out a charting to this girl for the last couple of days i had been going out a charting what is that is that a course is he british

there's a chance he's from australia and a chance that he just made up a word. I had been going out a charting to this girl for the last couple of days, and I think she wants to take things further. But one time when we were talking, she said she hates a guy who's completely shaven downstairs as it's too feminine. I don't know what to do as my hair is gone forever. Should I wear a wig down there Or should I just live through the embarrassment Of my bald balls Thanks Aladdin Well Prince Ali

Only he had three wishes Ali Ababwa They'd all be for pubes So I think he went too far With a single friend's recommendation Right Yeah you don't like Oh, I really like this restaurant. Cool, I'm going to buy it.

I'm going to eat there forever. I have to eat every meal there now. What faith he has in his friend. He laser removed his hair. Not to be technical, but that usually is a couple sessions. So I think this means that he went in, got it lasically removed, and was like, all right, I have to sign up. I'll come back in two weeks.

Crazy. What a permanent decision. Are you sure it makes your schlong looks bigger? Because I'm sort of bald down there forever now, I think. It's permanently gone. In your professional opinion, man, would you say my schlong looks enormous or just massive? I'd say it looks smaller.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no. How? I got it permanently done. At very least, could you point me in the direction of your best merkin? A merkin is a pubic wig. Merkin. Jesus Christ.

We're learning something today. That is so... So those are real? You can get a merkin? A pubic wig? How does that work? Is it like the shape of a donut? No, it's...

Oh, for a guy, maybe. I've never seen a male merkin. I think generally it just deals with the top half. The top half. The top. It's usually just sort of a V-shaped. Is it for people who have like alopecia? You could have a mustache-shaped merkin. Like oiled and twisted up on the side. Like a 1920s rollercoaster tycoon merkin?

Yeah. What would the purpose be? if you can't grow pubes no well in in the acting industry it's for like if you're on boardwalk empire for that period movie there was no you know maintenance down there so it's for fake bushery so yeah it's for fake bushery wow that's cool also i think I might be mistaken, I think it's a workaround for full frontal nudity. Oh, it's like somebody doesn't want to show their actual... Yeah. Invented by Alan Merkin in 1981.

The Merkin. No, actually, luckily we are recording... It's printed by Alan Arkin. Alan M. Arkin, so they shortened it to Markin. Luckily, we are recording this in Rec Room because one, it sounds great, and two, I can use my computer while we're it sounds great and two I can use my computer while we're talking so now that I can use my

computer I can tell you exactly that a merkin is a pubic wig and originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia and are now used as decorative items erotic devices or in films by both men and women interesting that's right cool

so anyway you fucked up royally. I know. Your pubes are gone forever. He's already done it. This is the worst part. It's done. It's happened. The crime has been committed.

And now you have to wear this. I'm pointing to the Wikipedia page of a merkin, which is a guy with a pink merkin. Oh, no. Caption, a merkin used at Burning Man. Jake, do you remember seeing this? Jake wore them. Is that Jake? Oh, my God. That's me. That's merkin caption a merkin used at burning man jake you remember seeing this jake wore them is that jake oh my god that's me that's merkin that's me and merkin my playa name was merkin merkin the burkin man twerking merkin the burkin man um it's just like it's it's sad that the

advice has come to this like you need all, so you have to get a merkin. A pubic wing is called a merkin. No, no, no. So this girl dropped a hint that probably, here's my guess, because that's a randomest thing to say. I think she knew. I think she knew and she's trying to slow fade the relationship and she's like, how do I get out of this?

What is an unchangeable quality of his I can say I don't like that I can get out of this? I feel bad because he's been a charting with her. Charting. He's been a charting with her, I think. Is that a typo or is that a thing that people do? It's definitely a typo. I'm trying to figure out what it is. Going out a charting to this girl.

According. According? We've been going out according to this girl for the last couple of days. No, according. I'm according her. I'm according. I've been going out and courting. Oh, I was thinking she's like, I mean, this bitch has been saying we've been going out for a couple of days? No, according. Like, I'm according her. I'm according. I've been going out and courting. Oh, I was thinking she's like,

I mean, this bitch has been saying we've been going out for a couple of days. I don't know. Been going out according to this girl. I have no pubes. I have no worries. So you trusted your friend too much. My pubic mound is scorched earth now.

Get a second opinion before permanently removing anything, let alone your pubic mound. Well, he got one from the waxer who just up-selled him. No, he didn't get an opinion. She just said that he could. Oh, yeah, if you want your poops gone,

there's this, costs $1,000, we'll take them off forever. Yeah, I'll do that forever. Also, to wax them, that seems so painful. Oh, God, I would never. Does it make your schlong look bigger? I think it makes your dick look weirder. It looks like a little boy.

It's young and big. I think it just looks, it makes it look different. Here's a question. Manscaping. Is there like a universally approved length of pubic hair that people prefer? Just manageable. Yeah. So just like not too crazy.

Yeah. But not completely bare. I'm with A-dubs here. Not completely bare. I think that's weird. I think that would be weird. I've never seen completely bare like Jake's beard

or shorter or longer probably just about that so like I'm pointing to Jake's merkin right now Jake and Amir are both pantsless I'm wearing a pubic

they're directly in front of me asking my opinion who has better pubes these are the most immature and insecure people I've ever met they're so terrifyingly insecure about themselves Amir's pubes are down to his and insecure people I've ever met. They're so terrifyingly insecure about themselves.

Amir's boobs are down to his knees, which oddly I prefer. They're French braided with two tiny red bows on the end. Holidays are coming. A pee-pee top is what I call it. I would say hold your head high. This is how it is now. It's going to be fine. I mean, at the end of the day, if a girl likes you enough,

it's not going to matter if you had too much or too little. It's all going to be fine. I mean, at the end of the day, if a girl likes you enough, like it's not going to matter if you had too much or too little. It's all going to be okay. And if a girl at this stage, while you're just a charting. Just during the charting period. Oh, charting? Charting. I couldn't get it out without loving it. If you're still in that phase and she voices that big of a problem with it,

then screw her and just move on to the next one. It sounds like she just said, oh, I prefer this. It's not necessarily like a game changer. Maybe test that theory, if you know what I mean. She's like, oh, yeah, I would prefer to have pubes too, but they were burned off in a fire.

I was like, oh, no, it doesn't matter to me. Well, let me explain. The fire was sort of a concentrated laser fire that I paid for. An exorbitant amount, actually. Three or four sessions of it. But look how much bigger my dick looks now than in the hypothetical altered dimension

that you saw me with pubic hair. I can't believe, yeah. You know, I had, I'm not trying to brag, but actually this summer was my summer of perfect pubes. Oh, how did that work out? Wow, that's a big deal.

I accidentally cut them too short back in May, and they just grew in the appropriate amount by June. And then I rode that wave straight up until September, right up until Burning Man. So you're saying— And then what happened at Burning Man? They got too long. Too long and dusty. Do you know anything about it?

I trimmed them when I got back. Oh, when you got back? The summer of perfect pubes is just you growing your pubes out in that two-month phase. It was sort of the sweet time of my pubic discontent. It's similar to the summer that you were 13 years old. It's the same thing that's happening. Oh, man. Did you ever shave your armpits or your pubes

so they'd grow in fat, like, thicker? No. Me either. Did you? On the count of three. One, two, three. No, I didn't. So we agree on that.

Then we both didn't do it. Then we're both normal. Wow. I've never heard of that. But you can't give in to that temptation. Every time girls go in to get their nails done, the person says, you should shave your arms or we should wax your arms.

Are they trying to make money? Yeah, it's more expensive. Do girls wax their arms? It's very popular in the Asian culture. And so they look at our arms and think they're just disgusting and hairy. And so they want to wax them. You wax your lip. People wax their arms.

People shave their arms. People wax everything. Swimmers shave everything. I guess it depends on if your arm hair is like blonde versus brown, right? But at the end of the day, does anybody care more than you? Like nobody cares that this was my perfect creep summer. Well, the girl he's this guy seeing. I don't, but she's just like has a preference.

He's like so insane that he went and waxed. How on earth did that come up? They're at a movie. They're talking about politics. By the way. You're charting with someone. You run out of shit to talk about. Everybody went charting to this girl.

By the time I'm dating someone, I know so many weird, random little opinions of theirs. This poor guy. He changed his life over the fucking opinion of his friends. If you're not done doing this session, stop now and it could grow back. I will. Our specific advice is don't wear a wig down there.

No. And live through the, not the embarrassment of your bald balls, but wear them proudly. And honestly, my donut idea, not terrible. Not terrible. A little crispy cream down there. That's a treat. That actually sounds nice. Yeah, it's not messy.

It's like, uh. People be charting down there. There's like, do you ever play that game where it was like uh it's like underwater and you like press a little button and then like the hoops flew up in the water and they tried to land on the the stick oh yeah little rings tried to land on the stick i was ready to make fun of them for that game but you you're on board so now i'm the weirdo sorry thank god alice is here she could teach us about what merkins mean the uh hoop and underwater that game is actually also called merkin i'm totally lying i have no idea what the fuck that should be an app all right next question next question this one comes from some guy

we'll call jafar still trying to get this i know I have no idea Jafar will definitely narrow the choices down some type of Shakespearean shit hey dudes one day after not much contact my ex's best friend

poked me on Facebook we were only really acquaintances before so I thought it was strange I poked her back and that's when my problem started

we've been poking back and forth for a month with neither of us starting the conversation it has turned into a crazy person's chess game where i feel like certain amounts of time between pokes indicate actual thoughts or feelings does this dumb interaction mean anything is she being polite what if i accidentally clicked poke poke first and she feels obligated to continue? Help a brother out. Oh, my God. This is so neurotic.

This is like the most generic sonar. This is like the most generic, nondescript, nonspecific form of flirting. It's just like a general vibe. It's also the most specific question we've ever gotten. It's only pokes. It's cool. I feel like we have to try to figure it out. Well, it was so dramatic when you said, this is where my problem began. I was like, oh God.

And a crazy person chess game? So wait, this is his ex-girlfriend's best friend. Yeah. Okay. So maybe there was something there during the relationship. He gets a poke. I really like picturing him in like a basement somewhere with a printout of like the pokes, where they came from.

Maybe she was like. Lines of string. Yeah. Time stamps. Just abu nazir's face for some reason the pokes are coming from inside the house um

that's really weird a poke is like a text that doesn't say anything right it's like boom I'm thinking about you would it be crazy to suggest next time

they see each other in person he poke her oh taking it to the physical world but show up at her door ring her doorbell when she answers. Poke her in the nose. Poke her in the eye.

Just right in the tit. Just square on the nipple. And then say, checkmate. I think this is both what we were asking for. I haven't used my Facebook in a month and a half. I think your friend is fucking with you. Your girlfriend jumps out of the bush. You asshole.

I got you. You're poking my bestie. I can't figure this one out yeah I think that's probably the extent to which she knows she can be in contact with him yeah because that

that way poking is like oh I'm flirting with you but if anybody sees it poking is like it doesn't mean anything although now there's nothing

poking is the most flirting right I was gonna say he probably gets really excited when he gets a poke from her and probably the same is true for her yeah which is kind of beautiful here's what I think is happening I think she Right, I was going to say, he probably gets really excited when he gets a poke from her. And probably the same is true for her. Yeah, which is kind of beautiful.

Here's what I think is happening. I think she is like, there's no way she can make a move on him. It's like her best friend's ex. But she's like, oh, I'll just, the most passive thing, just to let him know that I like him. And see if he's interested. But he's too scared too. Right, they're both too scared to do anything about it. Because both of them feel like, I can't do anything. It's my anything about it. Because both of them feel like I can't do anything.

It's my fucking ex's best friend. She's like, I can't do anything. It's my best friend's ex. One of you guys has to be the bigger person and send a message and since I can't talk to her it's got to be you.

So you got to take it from poking to messages? I think so. Here's a cute message to get it started. The word poke. Then she has to reply. That's happened to me on Facebook.

Really? Yeah, 100%. What happened? It was a mirror. It was you, you son of a bitch. You coy little diva. And it worked. We hooked up.

We started a web series together. And that was it. That's how it all started. That was our history. I've never heard the origin story. It's beautiful. Yeah, people like to know. People are like, how did you guys get started?

Like, actually, the mirror poked me. On Facebook, we briefly dated, segued into a professional relationship, and ta-da. We started doing these, ta-da-ra-ba. Seven years later, we have a podcast. Two years later, a three-week charting period

where we just charted into this. We both got our pubes waxed, went merkin shopping. It was somehow all a montage, although in real life as well. Yeah, it was, make my dreams come true was the soundtrack for it too you got might be hard to handle charting um all right well yeah i mean i think so although i kind of think one of them should just fall for someone else too because it feels like this can't really

ever happen right you have that wholesome advice of like, you guys can't do this. This is wrong. But the poke, the forbidden poke is very flirtatious. Keep this going, but also keep up your side game and see if you can meet someone else. But once you start like falling for somebody you shouldn't fall for,

there's no stopping it like that. Right. Like just, I mean, there's no stopping it for you because you have no will. No, a lot of people. That's not just me.

Hey, you dick. Oh my God. Wow. Lucky this mic stands here. just I mean there's no stopping it for you because you have no willpower no a lot of people that's not just me hey relax you dick oh my god wow you're lucky this mic stands here it's so paper thin yeah for me

and not for you but for a lot of people in between us yeah I think it is true Allison agreed with me yeah I did what

what was the I agree that when it's forbidden just based on like literature and the world just pop culture yeah because I came up with this theory that she's just always saying, she's pitting us against each other.

See what I'm doing? Oh my God. Who wins here? I end up with a podcast and a free recording studio. She pokes both of us as soon as we go home. Alice, we, we leave Alison records 90 episodes by herself at rec room.

They all get much higher traffic. Guess host Adrian grain. Yay. Oh all get much higher traffic than ours. Guest host, Adrienne Grenier. That'd be a great podcast. I would love that. UNAG. Love it. Brian, can we get that to happen? Bri?

He's nodding yes. Get Grenier out of the horn, please. We'd love to Skype him in for the last three questions. So first things first, we're going to have to tell him what the podcast is. Explain that it's happening in his house. Yeah, he'll love this as much as we will. It's so funny. Just the same amount.

We recorded six to eight episodes in Adrian Grenier's house. Does he even know that this podcast exists, Brian? No. He's saying no. He doesn't. He didn't even hesitate or lie. I never heard of Entourage. How do I get to the point where podcasts are being recorded in my house that I don't know about? Yeah, it's so cool.

That's a cool place to be. It is a cool place to be. You could just live in a shitty area and people just break in. Well, I guess if you live in a shitty area, no one's breaking in to record a podcast. My apartment is so small, I know everything that's happening there always. Yeah. Unless you don't think someone's recording a podcast there right now. Adrian Grenier is just farting into a microphone in your living room right now.

Holy shit. Don't say that. It's number two on iTunes. He's never farted, damn it. That's just what you want to believe. He's never farted and he has perfect cubes. Don't tell me that. Do you think there's a weird podcast where it's just a guy eating on camera?

That's my worst nightmare. Episode 21, a burrito. Oh, God. I hate when people eat in microphones. It's the grossest thing in the world. Yeah. Sorry. No, ta-da.

Absolutely, ta-da. You gotta do you. Well, you also hate seeing people eat. Well, I mean, the microphone thing doesn't... You have crazy eating things. Yeah, yeah, I can't. It is so Freudian, it's insane. You need to go into analysis immediately.

When you were listening to Jake spout off his ideologies, do you have any assessment of that? Yeah, a lot. But I feel like he's sort of finding his own way. Also, his mom is super smart, so I feel like you're in good hands. But I'm as worried about him as you are, Amir being said i'm scared being said i'm terrified what was that

life and well-being we got one theory about uh why you're like the way you are oh yeah somebody said that i grew up in a household with a stern father and an accommodating mother so in like a fight-or-flight response i fled from my authoritative father figure into um a more feminine world where i like found myself and that's why you pursue women yeah so like pursuing women is sort of my way of asserting my manliness is what he said yeah though i disagree with that why uh you're uber feminine with women i think well because i just think i'm a pimp so like i don't really know what he's talking about i don't know what he's talking about I can't shake him off me shit coming at me left and right

on the real that seemed a little gay to be true that little shit to be absolutely true that's some sensitive shit right there I don't really like that

it's not my thing I didn't get it I'm more into like guns and balls and stuff yeah and like I'm scared of my dad sure but tough guy afraid of his dad whatever man i'm fucking afraid of him

i'm trying to find exactly what he said but uh maybe they give him some credit oh well his name was sam and uh yeah you basically nailed it thank you fine yeah i uh i printed it out and burned it refuge in the female world where you have developed your sense of being a man by getting with chicks he tried i love this in my head he wrote it really intelligently and then went in and edited each word to make it sound more bro-y right put it into my terms so it would affect me so that jake would remember it. You're a quack, dude. You're an absolute quack. He's absolutely right.

He's a marksman. Did we give this person advice? I think so. Wait. Yeah. Either. Yeah. It's a message that says poke, but just tread carefully.

Conflicting advice. Allison wants him to walk away. I think it's going to be too hard. I think he's got to swing the bat. He's got to send that message. Have you ever hooked up with an ex's best friend? No. 30 hours of silence.

I really have not, actually. What's the longest dead air? I'm setting a record right now. There's a dead air podcast, actually. It's an hour and a half of white noise. Wait, yes, but it was in high school. An ex's best friend. Yeah. That doesn't count.

Well, technically she wasn't my ex when I did it. Hey-o! Why is there not an applause break? Whoa! It took us a second to realize we were in a room with the devil. With the worst person alive. Shit, I'm spouting horns. My hat's coming off.

I'm spouting horns. It's insane. Horns spelled with a T suddenly, according to your dialect. Horns. I got horns, man. Horns. Horns. I got horns. Horns in a nail. No, but the temperature in here did increase

by close to 150 degrees when you said that. One Lucifer himself. God, you're such a pimp, dude. I am the dark lord. You're the man. You're the man to me. You're the man now, dog. Alright, moving on. Obviously that

was an ill-timed reference, I guess. I'm the man. You want to move on to question number three? Sure. Alright, alright, alright. What should we call this male? Genie. Aladdin. No no that's the damn it all right i'll keep guessing all right aladdin too genie writes here in australia we have a thing called movember where you can get your friends to

sponsor you to grow a mustache for charity over november this is everywhere by the way my friend told me he was special australia it's a really good thing i just want everyone to know it exists everywhere my friend told me he was growing one for movember so i sponsored him for 40 which is quite a lot of money for me since i'm a poor student the problem is i found out a few of my other close friends are all independently doing Movember, and I think I'm kind of expected to give them all the money, which I don't have. What I want to do is take back my initial donation and share it out evenly amongst my friends, a bit like Jesus divvying up a few rolls of bread to feed the masses. I don't think it's illegal or anything to retract donations to charity,

but I'm kind of worried my first friend will be pissed everyone seems really weird about charity around here so i've been afraid to ask anyone i know help me first of all this guy said here in australia we have a thing like he's like australia is the best and then he said and then he compared himself to jesus divvying up bread where do you give him 40 dollars no okay Okay, this is really quick. You keep the donation with your initial friend because you made that pledge to his cause and you tell the rest of your friends, hey, sorry, you don't get my money.

I'm a poor student. It wasn't going to make that big of a difference anyway. It doesn't matter. It all goes to the same charity. Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're giving it to one person. No, he said individual. I don't know. Whatever.

It doesn't even really matter. Just tell them you'll get them next year when you're a rich student. Jesus realized that he was actually really hungry and he asked for all the bread back. Like, um, that actually happens in Aladdin too. Aladdin breaks apart the bread. He gives it to the little, no, the brother, sister. Yeah.

The orphans. Oh, you know, you know what we can do is, uh, and then Abu is like, come on, Abu. And then Abu is like, whoa, We are out of time, actually. So upsetting. Jake is now fucking a cartoon monkey, actually. How dare you? Here's something we can do to help.

He gives us the Movember pages of his friends and we'll put it on our website and then we'll get people to donate. That's nice, but no, no, no. No? We helped this dude. It's fine. Next question. Sorry about that.

Oh my God, that's terrible. We had to brush with kindness. It was so brief. I really am the devil. It was beautiful and brief while it lasted, but no. You're stealing money from a cancer charity. You guys are on your own. Everyone Venmo me five bucks. Just cause. I'll

give some of it to November or whatever it is. I swear to G that 25% of it will make its way to some sort of cancer patient. No, we should do that. That'll be nice. So I'm going to email this guy. Hopefully he gets back to me by Thursday and then we can help him out by pimping out his friends November. Then you can

keep the $40 where it was and then we'll see if we can find any fans of ours who are willing to give to such a great cause. I don't want to call you out, but on the way here in the car on the way to Rec Room, I read that question. I suggested that. You're trying to make it seem like you just came up with it on the fly

and appreciate it. You took a car here. Must be nice. Excuse me. That was a business expense? Must be nice to be in a car here. Must be nice. Excuse me. That was a business expense? Must be nice to be in a car for so long. What's it like? Actually, it was an Uber X.

Not an Uber. It was not a town car. It was a Toyota Camry. There was a Camry. Also, since we sort of came up with the idea of donating stuff, Jake and I are obviously not on the hook to actually donate. What we're doing is even more important. We are getting the word out there. We are sort of spreading the wealth in that regard.

Also, real quick, I was lying. I did not know you were going to say that about promoting his mustache thing. I don't want anyone to think I was an asshole. I'm just an asshole because I didn't think of it, not because I tried to steal Amir's thunder. All right? That being said, will you be donating any money to the November 30th? That being said, it was an escalade. All right.

The Uber was an escalade. We spent $95. It was a stretch escalade. It took up an entire city block. I requested two drivers. I don't know why, but I wanted two UberXs in the front clean. In case one needs to go to sleep. You let one go to sleep.

They were both in the car. I requested an Uber co-pilot. A human navigator. Just to fuck with the radio because i didn't trust uber number one to do it i bring my own dj everywhere i go um yeah that was good that was nice that was nice that was our first so so far we've given two pieces decide if you want your shirt on or off i can't take it off it's his only only shirt, so it's half on. I'm wearing a plaid button-up shirt.

I tried to take it off, but the microphone is so close to the chair. He looks like a cold grandmother. Do you have tissues rolled up in the sleeve of it, too? I'm a babushka of myself. Just a tiny wad of tissues. Now you're trying to take it off. This is amazing. Oh, God.

This is going to count as the break. The grossest thing about getting old is having one tissue throughout the course of a day why is that such a thing just one crumpled tissue I went to an old folks home yesterday wow how nice oh yeah you don't know what I'm about to say next

oh god I tried to sort of set fire to the place it's hell on earth oh my god I never I want to die so young oh you're getting there, dude. You're definitely getting there. Promise me, man. Playa fo' Eva.

Is that why you're doing everything you're doing? Huh? Probably. You're doing everything you're doing now because you're- Better to burn out than fade away? Yeah. No, I don't think about being old at all. I'm doing everything because I don't think about consequences, I think.

All right. Jeez, sorry. It's definitely not because I know i'm gonna get old and i'm like oh i want to die now although if we are taking your our break now i thought it would be funny if you talked about your uh you trying to get a credit card oh my god what so this is how we take breaks now just like yeah you guys have a conversation you surprise me with something embarrassing yeah what if i didn't want to sure Sure you do. You've never turned down anything. You're Honest Abe.

Yeah, I know you love talking about yourself. That's what it is. All right, I'll talk about getting a credit card. I applied for an Amex black card. I got approved. It's too heavy for my wallet, is the truth. It's pure platinum. Real panty ass. They sent it to me in an Uber. it's too heavy for my wallet it's the truth it's pure platinum real pain in the ass

they sent it to me in an uber on a what's it called when you undo a food tray i have no idea a dish the only card that comes in an uber instead of a wallet um i got so i all right here's here's where it all began i never had a credit card because i thought that um if i didn't ever like use credit i would just have good credit like oh i'll only ever use my debit card only be spending money that i have in the bank and everybody would be like oh he's good with money he's never spent anything he didn't have but then someone told you to establish credit yeah well nobody told me until my landlord was like you can't get this apartment you have terrible credit i was like no i don't even have credit i haven't started like no your credit score is like 300 you have awful credit

i'm like oh so i so that was when i started applying for credit cards rejection rejection rejection no credit cards finally i got um just like through my bank i got like a 500 bank of america all right 500 limit this is like the kitty this is what they give to credit cards. Finally, I got, just like through my bank, I got like a $500 Bank of America $500 limit. This is like the kiddie. This is what they give to sixth graders. This is what I got

when I was 11 to teach them about allowance. Well, this is my fucking dad's fault. That loser. He sent me to college with no credit card, no debit card,

nothing except $40 a week. But he sent you to college. Let's get that straight. That's not fair. I've never been blindsided by a fact so much. That's not fair. I'm not quite sure why yet.

It's not fair that you'd embarrass me like this. All right, I take it back on that front. The facts still remain the same, bro. I should have waited until after. So you get this starter card which is...

You got a starter card that comes with a tricycle. Yeah, it's like half that half Burger King kids club card so after a couple false starts because I didn't know how to pay it I built my credit and up to the point where I it was like a learner's permit of cards

it was a piece of paper that says please give this kid money if he needs it my dad will get you back just like a necklace medical alert so I got the credit card. I built my credit. Eventually, I started getting credit card offers in the mail.

Yeah, nice. Swiping right. Swiping right. Swipe that right. You know what I'm saying? Huh? So then I was like, oh, I'm going to get an American Express because somebody told me there's cool points and stuff. So I logged on.

And it was like, this is how bad I am with money. Can I get one card and one point? If you have more points, when? So I logged on and they were like, you give us your information. We'll run your credit and see what you qualify for. And I qualified for some dope card. And not reading anything, I was like, yeah, I want this card. Oh, God, the minimum.

I bought it. It arrived. My first bill was due. It had a $500 annual fee. Which is, as your dad told you, way, way, way too much. It's like there's credit cards that come with no fee at all. Wait, what color? Is it gold, silver?

Platinum. I'm a platinum man, not a platinum man. So like this thing came with, I had like access to airport lounges. I had miles. I had like stuff that rich people need. Starwood preferred hotels. Like I've never been to a Starwood hotel. I'm sure you have. You're just not a gentleman enough to notice.

I think you probably have. Can I just get a card that gives me a free Starbucks coffee and a croissant every day? I don't need airport lounges. And I pronounce it croissant because I'm American. Let's establish that. Can I have a croissant? Oh, God. That's so interesting.

Yeah, just an iced coffee and a croissant. Is your French character a lisping French character? It's a duck. Croissant? Croissant. You know it's still an S, right? Croissant. Croissant. Croissant. croissant. Is your French character a lisping French character? I quack. It's a duck. Croissant. You know it's still an S, right? Croissant. Croissant. I just... Croissant. Yeah, that was good. Croissant.

Still the lisp. He's from Barcelona. Barcelona. Do you call American Express with your proverbial tail between your legs and tell them that you're a man-child who can't afford to describe you? Well, to their credit, they were very accommodating. Pun intended? Of course, he's a man of comedy.

He's a professional. Quite intended. And nothing else. And actually, we rehearsed this bit before, so I nailed my line just there. And I said, they have a 24-hour concierge, you know, that comes with the platinum card. Although it's about to go away

when you change your status at the end of this call. I believe I burned it. So I said, hi, I didn't know there was a fee. I can't afford this fee. This is the equivalent of like checking into a fancy hotel, walking down to the fancy friend, the concierge, like ringing a bell. It's like, excuse me, sir. I can't afford to stay here.

Can you recommend to me a Motel 8? As I leave, please know I'm taking the soap. Or they'll leave the light on for me. So, what did this concierge do? I'm just going to take some of these complimentary cookies you have. Sir, you can't have the cookies. Very well.

No dessert for me then. I ate myself. So yeah, I called. Was it how the concierge treat you? Very nice, very professionally. She said, you know what? I think you want our starter card. It comes with a Blockbuster Media membership.

I got downgraded to the green card. It still has 24-hour concierge, I believe. But free onion rings every time you get a burger at Sonic. No, that green card is good. Because it's not much of an annual fee. 95 bucks. So, I mean, more than anything, I just felt dumb for, like, getting a card with a $500. I wouldn't pay it because I was like, I felt so stupid.

But how else are you supposed to know this stuff? Like, other than by doing it and failing. Yeah, I guess now I know, like, if I ever have a kid and they're like, hey, dad, can I have a credit card? I'm like, fine, get one without a fee, which they're like, hey dad, can I have a credit card? I'm like, fine, get one without a fee which is what my dad said to me. I'm sure that's what he said to you. Also, there are commercials

and internet and all kinds of things. Yeah, you know, I did a lot of research and like the thing is it didn't, fees never occurred to me. It was like all the credit cards

lined up against each other. I was like, oh, this one's the most sick. I feel like we should both be there when he picks a healthcare plan. Oh, the cheapest one. I don't want to spend too much money. Oh, my neck really hurts. That there when he picks a healthcare plan. Oh, the cheapest one. I don't want to spend too much money. Oh, my neck really hurts.

That is what I did with healthcare, actually. I did the same exact thing. You did the cheapest or most expensive? Cheapest. Well, what you should have done was what you did with the Amex was pay the most and get the most coverage. Right, I just did the reverse. As a rule, I never do the right thing. Somehow it's the same concierge.

Excuse me, ma'am. It's the same butler at the hotel, too. All right, should we... My life coach. Should we get down to one or two more questions? Yeah. This one comes from another dude. We'll call him...

Sultan. Sultan. Sultan writes, Hey dudes, I'm a senior in high school and I'm not very good with chicks. Really wish I said Iago. Go on. I was texting a girl the other night and eventually it got to 3 a.m. This is when the text really started heating up.

We were talking about life and whatnot and it eventually came out that she had done weed. This totally shocked me because I never expected this in a million years this is my first run-in with a person doing drugs and i'm not really sure what to think i don't know what i should be doing here i mean it's just so weird and new to me should i be freaking out about it this much okay or am i a square i've had a crush on this girl for quite some time please help me did you write this? Yes. Look, look, look. This is the most... We get a lot of silly emails,

but this is the first time weeds ever come up, okay? So what should he do? Let's try to treat this a little delicately. All right, I'm sorry. I'm trying to answer Amir's question really honestly. Absolutely not. Set up a place and time to meet and alert the local law enforcement

that this drug pin is going to be arriving at this It's a sting operation. An absolute sting. She deserves the biggest sting. You go to your local narcotics unit I think they'll outfit you with a wire and maybe a piece. A piece that you can have some of it

but then also shoot someone with it. Then you meet her behind the roller skating rink or ice rink, whichever one you say. You say, hey, ma'am, are you doing weed? She'll say no because obviously she fucking realizes something's up. Then she says, are you wearing a wire? And you're like, oh, fuck. I'm had.

I'm had. Mayday, mayday. She's like, are you wearing a fucking wire? Then you struggle to take the piece out of your ankle bracelet that they gave you. You do seven warning shots just to make sure you know how to fucking use the gas. One ricochet is off the light, clips you in the neck, you fall down, say, am I a fucking goner?

Am I a fucking goner? Cut to hospital three weeks later, you're on medical marijuana for the severe trauma that you suffered. They're pumping you full of the juice of the THC. You're doing weed on the reg against your will keeping you medicated so you don't get too sharp find out this this underground weed

your eyes a knife you come to and see this this this apparition this backlit silhouette ghost flipping a coin in the hallway you hear her laughing and you know it's her she had won she won the entire time this thing operation was on you know it's her. She had won. She won the entire time. The sting operation was on you. She's walked inside to inject poison into your IV. And that's it. Let the lights fade. And that's what you get for texting a weeder.

This girl's an absolute weedsman. No, wait a second. Okay, wait a second. What I have in common with this person, this sultan. The sultan of pot. Sultan of pot. Is that I, too, was very judgmental of things that I hadn't tried yet. I think that's very common.

In high school, too? Yeah. High school, no weed? High school, no weed. I was very judgmental of anyone who had tried it or did anything first. I was always a little bit judgmental. You were a skeptic. Yeah, I was a skeptic.

And I also like that I had labeled that as bad in my own judgment system so it takes a second you kind of have to realize that they're not bad for doing it and then eventually you'll be doing it and um that uh just try to take the judgment away from it because it doesn't mean that she's a bad person she's just trying something that was so goddamn sincere damn it no it's real i can't follow up. It's perfect. No, because that guy, he's so worried.

He's like maybe thinking of not liking her anymore. I swear to God, that's going to be the smartest and nicest thing anyone's ever said on this podcast. Well, I really feel for him

because I feel like that's a tough situation. Don't let it tarnish your feelings about her. Well, this is the problem with having Allison on the show. She makes it better, and then when she leaves,

all of a sudden, 98% of our episodes are bad no no no don't get me wrong this girl's a stone cold criminal she's breaking the law unless she has

a prescription lives in a state where it's legal so she should absolutely still go to jail we traced your IP address

we alerted the local authorities and actually if you hear holy shit that's them at the door now why are they here

why did they get our address how did you get our address? Yeah, how did you hit them live? I'm trying to convince him that knock is coming from his house. Actually, I see. So this is a bit just for him. He threw the knock sound.

Just for Sultan. Yeah, what can we possibly add? I mean, nothing except maybe review. Do you want to review Allison's advice? It was perfect. It was sort of self-aware and self-deprecating at first, which was saying, I used to be like this, so it's coming from a really honest place, which is like, he's in tune with it. He's going to appreciate this advice. It's going to affect him.

And then she said, you can't judge people for something that you haven't tried yet, right? I mean, shit, no, she said it so much better than I did. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You can't judge a murderer because you haven't murdered someone, right? Right, until you've done it, you don't know what that thrill feels like. Oh, my God.

I was just locking eyes on me. According to Dexter, that's true. I'm staring directly into Amir's eyes. Directly to my soul, actually. So, I mean, I was the same way when my friends were doing weed in high school. I was like, whoa, this is pretty bad. This is pretty illegal. When they were doing meth in high school, same thing.

I was really judgmental. Even doing heroin i was so naive like i remember like i in seventh grade i didn't like know what the hell was going i was like playing video games with my friends i wasn't doing anything even in ninth grade like i never even seen alcohol until 10th or 11th grade i think i remember the first time i did weed it was like a surprise my friend tom i was like 14 my friend I did weed, it was like a surprise. My friend Tom, I was like 14. My friend Tom was like, come over. I have a surprise for you. And I was like, I wonder what it is.

I hope it's not smoking weed. I don't want to do that. And I knew that I didn't want to smoke weed, but I got there. Sure enough, he had weed. And he's like, we're smoking weed. And I'm like, okay, Tom. That's the kind of thing that would never happen in adulthood.

Like what a weird scenario. Imagine if one of your adult friends did that to you i was surprised so how was it you're gonna get fucked up that's the surprise your afternoon's gonna be different now you can't go home uh it was i mean i i tried to the first time i smoked i tried not to inhale because i like didn't want to get high and i was nervous but but like I just, I did anyway. And I had a really good time. And then I was like, Oh, okay.

I'll do this occasionally. And that was it. You're a weed doer. Yeah. Oh my God. I love that this emerged at like three in the morning. I can't get that part out of my head. Oh yeah.

I wonder if she's like upset about it. Like, yeah, you don't, you don't understand. You don't know me. Okay. You wouldn't want to be texting me at 3am.

If you knew. I'm bad news. Stay't know me. Okay? You wouldn't want to be texting me at 3 a.m. if you knew. I have bad news. Stay away from me. Save yourself. I do weed. I've done weed. Just the one time against my will. My friend texted me and said, I'm going to get you fucked up.

I have a surprise for you. I show up. Jake's there. Hi. It's a kite. I'm there with a crushed up Coke can with needle holes poked in it. You ever smoke out of a coke can no no i've never smoked out of anything but what's the thing called where you oh no you're a bigger loser than this tool

you guys belong to each other dude you know i got a one hit or a glass piece there you go it is like what at what point does like the weed paraphernalia become uncool? Because it's kind of cool to know how to roll a joint. It's not that, maybe it's cool to have a bowl. Although I see people rolling cigarettes and it seems like it's going to be cool. And then 10 minutes later when they're like sweating and swearing profusely, like struggling to get the tobacco in the paper. 30 seconds after that when they're like smoking a dingy little dangly cigarette that's falling apart at their mouth. Leaking, yeah. Not cool. just buy a fucking cigarette man yeah it's weird that this many

people smoke when you could just eat it wouldn't you just rather eat it eat the weed it's a different kind of high i mean like leave me alone yeah man you gotta understand dude that's like eating is like a body high it's more like a head high you don't get it he's experienced he went to burning man because when you eat the meat it goes your stomach, and that's a body high. And when you smoke it, it goes to your brain. Because it's like science, and there's different blood in your brain into your stomach. So the smoke rises into your brain. How are you guys making fun of me?

You're the losers. You're the nerds. She just takes everyone's side. The losers win in the end. How do you not learn this? She's pitting friend against friend. As Amir was telling his life history, I was in step with him every step of the way seventh grade video games straight mario kart donkey kong nagano the olympics game i played like crazy i played that i just

played it stoned why it was significantly better no it wasn't i was focused i was seventh grade i know i was like 1080 snowboarding oh yeah 1080s guys SSX Tricky Snowboard Kids any snowboarding game was just like down like SSX Tricky though there were levels that were lonely

you know what I mean you get lost in that snowy yeah SSX Tricky is too tough it really is what you want what you want to be on is that

is that Snowboard Kids for N64 also I gotta say Shrek made a tight Xbox game did he? I never played that yeah Shrek was great

I think by the time Xbox came out I had stopped playing video games I hadn't I'm a little younger but still I was going to say, Shrek made a tight Xbox game. Did he? I never played that. Yeah, Shrek was great. I think by the time Xbox came out, I had stopped playing video games. I hadn't. I'm a little younger, but still, I was too old. You're not. You're only like a year or two younger than me. Yeah, I'm 29. No, I'm kidding.

I'm 25. I'm 50. I'm 50 years old and I played. Oh, you're 25? Yeah. That is younger than I thought. How old are you? 40.

That's older than I thought. Well, I'm Lucifer. I'm older than time itself. That's true. I'm Lucifer I'm older than time itself I'm 28 I'm also late 20s early 30s you're 30 on the dot I'm late that's not how age works you can just say it you're not someone else describing you

I'm between 28 and 32 yeah I guess I'm in between 25 and 30 and I've never done a weed because i'm too young and hip what are your tender age settings these days amir oh well i started with i've been going all over the place i started with the jake special which is the 22 to 30 then uh jake was like maybe you should narrow it down to people who are most likely

to see you so then I did like 28 to 32 Amir wasn't matching so we had to do some surgery on the profile so you made it smaller I feel like you should learn that math there was just too much volume like where I think like a 22 year old might not be swiping a 30 year old you know but like a 26 to 30 year old or

32 year old is more likely to swipe someone then I hung out with my friend yesterday named Sean and he had a whole different Tinder approach that I don't even want to get into. But he's basically saying, open up the net, cast the widest net possible because matches don't really matter. Say 18 to

50 plus, swipe away, do crazy shit and then, you know, basically what's it called when you like drag a net across the bottom of the ocean and then lift it up and see if you caught anything? But then you have an unmanageable phone is there a name for that shrimp surfing net dragging casting a wide net yeah that's what it is but like then you have like 300 matches on your phone you're getting messages all day you can't keep that up you are you might as well just be alone on the dock and then you pull up a fish and you're like oh this

is great now this is my dinner you're both catching as many fish just uh he's also catching more filler and i guess it's like nicer to be like oh this person thinks i'm attractive oh this person thinks i'm attractive even though there's no way you're using the app for validation and not but that's why i bet a lot of people match and never start conversation because a lot of people are just saying yes yes yes yes right just like oh look how many matches i got now i feel good now i can go out to a bar and be confident exactly makes sense let's get to one more question before because we're running long i don't really know when we started but i want to soak in allison's smartness before she has to leave us forever uh allison's dying all right talk after let me see i think yeah this one's another dude. Yago. Yago. Jasmine. Jasmine.

Jasmine. Jasmine's twin brother. Jasmine. Jasmine. Jasmine, right? Hey, dudes. I have a girlfriend, and I feel really guilty about masturbating and looking at porn. The GF only vaguely knows that I masturbate.

This is common. That's weird. The GF only vaguely knows that I masturbate now and then and that sometimes or at least in the past it has involved porn when i told her this i was straight up lying by omission because i do it on the reg all my friends have said not to worry about it it's normal etc but i think i'd feel pretty uncomfortable if she was looking at porn like i wasn't enough for her or something i've tried to stop a few times but i don't know if you've ever tried it's really hard to do and it only ever lasts for a few weeks max for me i don't think my porn habits are that different from most other people but it kind of sounds like me

and all my friends have a porn addiction which is a thing apparently so should i chill out and carry on cranking or do you have any tips for cutting down on the right hand wrist exercises thanks jazz man we forgot about abu oh no abu nazir for the first half of that season it's all i thought about i'm not gonna lie yeah it's weird abu is like now now it's switched to homeland for me. Um, okay. So, what's her initial thoughts on this? It's so crazy how embarrassed boys are about this. And it is common.

She's right. It's like, we get a lot of questions that are about like, I don't want anyone to know I look at porn. And who are these girlfriends? That are psycho

to be like, you can't look at porn. Well, no, it must just be because they don't understand it. Right. It has to be because they haven't, you have to educate, ladies, because i know girls listen to this you have to educate

yourselves and just take a look around see what it is they're looking at once you look you're not going to be threatened there's no way you can produce that experience for them so just let them have that and let them have the real thing that's more meaningful and emotional that's the thing but a lot of guys don't even want that experience it's just like masturbating and sex are so different at least to me that like things that happen when i masturbate that i want to see i definitely don't want to have sex that way i wouldn't want somebody that i loved and respected to yeah you can tell the very specific situation be no swallow a squid hole yeah do a handstand and ride a tricycle. That's happened.

That was that burning, man. That was the burn. I can't even think of anything. Octopus porn. So you're not threatened by porn? No. Well, only because I know that it's like... Only because I know

I would never be with someone that looks like it. Only because I have such tight controls on his internet that even when he does private browsing, I know exactly who he's looking at. Let me look

at my iphone it has it's mirroring his laptop it's a shared screen on every device oh god we share every user records to a drop box and i go home and watch everything i think it's fine although i think i think guys especially when they're starting out their sexual experiences have to be careful and pace themselves because otherwise you get sensitized to that like multiple tab something always happening porn viewing experience which is like sensory overloads that when it comes time for the real thing you're not going to be able to focus on just one experience by itself i feel like you won't be very present that's true i feel like they've done studies on that right like the way people watch porn it's crazy i didn't realize there were tabs oh man i

mean when i watch porn it's like 20 tabs it's insane i cannot imagine that is so unfemale that is the least female thing in the world i think if i can make a general statement about all women i think probably which usually goes well for people when you make a statement on behalf of more than we can so let's hear it yeah no is that um i think we like to focus on things even though traditionally we're better at multitasking we're too smart to think we'd be able to absorb anything in 20 tabs. Right. So we'd never do that.

Yeah, we're definitely dumb because I'll load so many tabs of porn that the porn isn't even loading quickly. So how am I getting off? It's just scrolling little bars of nothing. So it turns out you don't need it at all anyway. You just need to be sitting in a chair looking at a blank screen. Right. All you need to do is to be alone, I guess. Or you need to upgrade your internet connection.

I mean, Verizon Fios offers this Quanta package with 15 megabytes. I'm a huge Fios fan. I have Fios. This is a Fios trios right here. Well, the fastest thing you can do is to download all the videos that you like and sort of just scroll through pressing the space bar that will automatically load a video like really quick. You're like an online poker player that's like multi-tabling eight games going on at

the same exact time. It doesn't really make anything time it doesn't really except i'm not making any money right it's a total waste i would say i would say to this guy that um it's it's totally fine don't be threatened by the fact that you're drawn to do it and also don't try to quit it and then feel weird about like oh like straining against yeah doing it again also i would add to not to not like put your stigma on porn on her where he's like she shouldn't watch porn am i not not am i not enough for her no that's the same thing you want her to escape yeah well that's what he was saying he's saying because i look at her that way then i know how she must feel about me so yeah but you don't know if that's how she feels. Do girls look at porn?

Yeah. I would definitely not as often, but they've looked at it before. Everybody's seen porn. Everyone has a different thing. Absolutely unexcused. But I have male friends who don't look at it anymore. I have male friends who have stopped.

I've quit porn before. There was one time that I started just masturbating to one specific porn star to mimic what it would be like to have a girlfriend. That is the saddest thing. That's the loneliest thing I've ever heard. It hurts that both of you guys had that reaction. Oh, gosh. That smarts a little bit.

I'm really sorry. Then I paid her to pretend to be my wife for a couple months as a featured actress in the movie. I'd put a little dress on my laptop and I would sort of watch the porn and cook an omelette next to it. We had a lovely Christmas. I bought her presents, put them under the tree. I bought my MacBook a present. A goddamn necklace. I would load this animated gif of her on a webcam

and I would eat soup next to it and I would ask it about its day and she wouldn't reply because, you know, it's a pre-taped gif, but I liked it. It made it seem like I was having soup with a loved one. And then one day I just, I got weak. I opened up another tab and I confessed, you know, teary-eyed. Listen, baby, I've been seeing another porn.

Furthermore, I did weed not one day ago. And I have no hair on my nuts. Or area anywhere near them. Oh, I had a question that came to me after that. Where does the waxing or the hairlessness begin? These guys have stomach hair. Yeah, like, oh my God. Where does it end?

Like a foggy window that you wouldn't clean. Foggy window. Where's the top of it? Oh God, that's so sad. It probably stops at his happy trail because now it's a sad, It's a trail of tears. Oh, God. That's progress.

That's history. A trail of fears. And my biggest fear is not having any hair down there. I'm Sandy Canyon. What? Casey Kaysom. I'm Casey Kaysom. And I'm having an aneurysm. It's Sandy Kaysom.

He's a movie reviewer on Taxi TV and he always ends with his reviews with a weird I'm Casey Kasem. And I'm having an aneurysm. Who's Sandy Kagan? Was that Casey Kasem? He's a movie reviewer on Taxi TV. Oh, that's right. He always ends with his reviews with a weird pun. That's right. And this movie gave me a rush. I'm Sandy Kagan. That was him reviewing 12 Days of Slave.

That didn't really make sense. 12 Days of Slave? 12 Years of Slave? 12 Days. Days wouldn't really be... 12 Days of Slave. It wasn't even that bad. No, it's years.

So many people are making that mistake, though, and it's very different. Really undercuts it. As different as it gets. 12 days. I feel like we could raise the stakes here. What if we changed 12 months, maybe? I don't know. You'd understand.

12 minutes of indentured servitude. I don't know. Do you guys think this movie has legs? 12 seconds of being ball and chain to one porn star online. Mercy. We did it. Our longest episode yet. No way. We deserve it.

I'm so sorry. No, it's good. People like it. You guys avoided it at all costs. No. We especially like it. Well, we wanted to harness your brain power for as long as we had you. Sad you guys are leaving. I know.

You'll never be in Los Angeles, right? That's not where actresses go. Yeah, exactly. Actors, actually. Is that true? If you're serious about your craft, you take the gender away from it. Ooh. So you never call yourself an actress?

No, I do. Because I'm not serious about my craft. I don't care about it at all. What gave you that impression? That I walked in here with a comedy and a drama mask? It's not that kind of podcast. She quietly put it away. Wearing pantaloons and quoting Shakespeare. She actually attached a beard onto both of them

and shoved them down her pants like some sort of happy, sad, murky face thing. Relic. Anything you want to plug before you go? More people listen to the show now than when you're first on, so this might actually make a blip on the radar. I would say watch Girls on HBO.

Catch up on the last two seasons, and season three premieres January 12th, and it will answer a lot of your questions. I feel like we tackle a lot of the stuff that comes up on this podcast in our show. We should do a podcast for the show. Is that crazy to suggest? Oh my God.

What do you mean? We'll just do a... Can we go on HBO? I had a feeling that's where you were headed. A tit-for-tat exchange would be me and Jake having maybe a B-story arc. An arc. Multi-episode. Two characters have a podcast

that Lena Dunham is on. Oh, God. I'd love to talk to Line Ha. So it'll be me, Jake, Adrian Gringer, and Lionheart. Jude Apatow. Jude Apatow. Certainly you have a Lionheart in to

Lena, and we could get this balla rolling-a. That being said, I do have seven scripts to pitch to her. Thank you. So yes, Watch Girls Season 3. January 12th. Is there going to be a Season 4? January 12th. Premiere. January 12th. Is there going to be a Season 4?

I hope so. We'll find out after it airs. Ooh. Yeah. Spoiler alert. Yeah, cliffhanger. Spoiler alert. We don't have the spoiler.

Cool. Thanks so much for coming on our show. Thanks for having me, guys. So fun. It's always fun when you're around. Jake. Allison's not too bad. You're not too bad yourself.

I intercepted that comment I end every show with telling Jake that it's always fun when you're around And I ask you to please stop and that's it Thank you everybody And then I tip my cap to the guest The smallest cap I've ever seen That first It's a merkin on his head

We got derailed at the beginning there But the email to If you are in your own difficult place your own sticky situation your own little what was the third thing? Snafu.

Snafu. And you need our advice. Allison won't be here but we'll do our best. That email address again Depending how long it takes us to respond to the email

maybe she will be again. Yeah, maybe she'll be back. If I were you show at gmail.com She knows it. Nailed it. I was worried you weren't going to get back.

Toe-da. Toe-da. Ha! Ah, yes! She'll be back. If I were you, show at gmail.com. She knows it. Nailed it. Boom. I was worried you weren't going to get back. Todah. Todah. Ha! Ah, yes! She did it. I got to end the show as quickly as possible. That first one was from, first theme song was from Red Bell Central,

and this last one was from someone named Marlo Brandon. Keep those theme songs coming, guys. Todah. My name is Jay, and I'm a Brit dance. My name's Amir, and I'm a prince. My name's Amir, and I'm a diva. Seasoned cheese, you do you. And I'm sure that I'll see you on F-I-Y-O. On F-I-Y-L On F-I-Y-L

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