Segments - 35: Weakened Weekend

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

In this episode we stroll down memory lane, define words, and find out who had the better Father's Day.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear. Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. The more we do the arms straight up in the air thing, the more I want to do a live show.

I just want to come out to the steam sun and hope to God So it plays. that everyone does this dumb dance. It should play before we come out. Yeah. And then when we come out, we're like this. Right.

It comes, we come out right as the arms all go up be amazing nobody else is doing it amazing if three people were doing it you and i included and one person one fan in the crowd there's a bunch of people who were there by accident exactly that's the dream uh we're finally back at our remote recording. God, I was so sick of these like in-person awkward, he said, he said bullshit style sessions. I hate seeing you. The energy is weird when we're together.

It's better when there's a little bit of a delay. Do you know what I mean? A little bit of a delay. And then like also our attention is focused on like, is this recording? Is this rolling? Like, let me hit record. Oh shit, did we sync we sync wait someone's calling me that messed up the record sometimes i yeah normally i go on like do not disturb but this week i'm just feeling like i don't mind being disturbed so i have slack popping off texts are going crazy i'm refreshing email i started

doing stocks so i'm like day trading. Someone's at my door. Yeah. So like I have to leave for a second, like one second. So someone's at my door. It's the IRS because I haven't been talking. Like I haven't like paid my capital gains, you know? Yeah, taxes. So I'm going to get capitally punished for that. Right.

You'll get thrown into debtor's prison for that. Yeah. You know, you could extend your tax deadline and just pay in October if you wanted. I found that out recently. Yeah, but you still have to pay something. Like, you don't get to, I don't know, I think I like tried to do this. It's not like you can defer payment till October. It's like you need to pay what you think you owe, and then you can actually do the return. And then we'll figure it out later. They won't ask you for the math. Right. Which is, I mean, that's fine, but it's still not great. I mean, the goat would be to get out of paying them. That would be incredible. Just a straight up no-go situation. Yeah. You know what? Sorry, government. I just didn't have my shit together this year so april came and went i didn't i how about an iou iou say a few thousand bucks it's funny i'm pretty high on the

understanding math things scale and i'm still just like when i talk to an accountant they're like so yeah you want to do the estimated but make sure that it's a offset by this and like do you remember how many miles you drove and like what percentage because like technically if it's an llc i'm just like i don't know anything you're saying see i think i'm actually a math brain you're a math like so like what happens to people who don't know well i'll tell you the interesting thing i i as i've gotten let's say wiser, I feel like I understand taxes a lot more. And I actually think it requires a creative brain. So I have a newfound respect for my father. Oh, so it's not math at all. I mean, there's definitely math, but I don't think that's what the hard part

of it is. There's a lot of rules that have to work together um that can help you get out you have to find those loopholes you have to make the system work for you so it's it's i don't know i think i've gotten better at understanding uh taxes as as i wish we had a normal job where we get one sheet of paper and we're like here we go yeah and this is how much you owe and that's it for taxes this year that's what ted cruz said he wants he wants your unify your tax returns on a postcard but i'll tell you what i actually i i like the coverage that i get from the taxes being very complicated no one wants to go in there no one wants to check my math no one wants to to find out the truth truth you're saying they're so complicated they're so complicated that you won't get audited because even the irs doesn't get trump style yeah convo yeah yeah um

i don't i don't actually i mean i think i don't necessarily want that but i think i can see the benefit now of tax like taxes actually it's good that they're complicated i can shelter myself in there i can hide among the weeds you can evade yes yes in the reeds yeah until the irs listens to this podcast and suddenly it's a not just a beige flag but a red flag well i want to pay my taxes i want to pay my fair share i just want to get get out of them in a way that's fair as well. If the billionaires are doing it, then I should be able to do it as well. Yes, we want the same exact situation as your Gateses, as your Trumps, as your Jobses. I recently looked into what it would take for me to not have to pay taxes like could i

just get a condo in the cayman islands could you just not yeah yeah like we know about like that like vaguely like yeah i have a shelter in the cayman islands but like what does that mean i think you have to have a lot of money to make that work for you because when i looked into it it was like you have to live outside of the u.s for 300 days into it, it was like, you have to live outside of the US for 300 days a year. And I was like, well, I don't want to do that. I really hate to be away from everything. I'll pay 30% then.

That's fine. I'll stick around. I actually love the fire department. Okay. I like roads. They're nice. They're nice to drive on. Infrastructure is good.

Take my cash. I'll get 50% of my paycheck if it means that the public schools around me are decent. Yeah. Speaking of boring weekends, you wanted to start, we should say this is the segments podcast. Podcast constantly changing each segment. As we said in the theme song, differ from the last. You wanted to start with a weekend recap. Yes.

My segment idea is called Who Won the Weekend? Wherein you and I recap our weekends and we decide who had a better weekend. Whose 48 hours were actually sublime and whose were sub prime which brings you back to the investments you made exactly right which is why i had such a bad weekend but you also then said that you had a pretty boring weekend so it seems like i might just walk away with it yeah my weekend was like watching basketball on friday going to a friend's party on Saturday, and playing tennis on Sunday. That's a great week. Like it was.

But that sounds lovely. Yeah, it was nice. It was relaxing. It was fine. But nothing super happened. Well, the Friday was great because you're rooting for the Mavs over the Celtics. Let's not talk about how the Celtics eventually won. That was until Monday.

That's a different part of the week. Yeah, not my problem. We should say this is for June 15th because this is going to come Yeah. We should say this is, this is for June 15th. Cause this is going to come out in two weeks. So this is the weekend of June 15th. This is Father's Day weekend. So Friday, you're the team you were rooting for.

One at a basketball. That's great. One, a basketball game. Watched it as sports bar. Enjoyed it. There were Celtics fans there. So that was a nice thing to see sort of nice.

Right before again, they did win a championship, but you didn't see them on monday so that's fine no no saturday was my friend josh heller's wife's birthday which was at a bar in glendale went there ate some food ate some wings ate some fries ate some brus. Nice. Was this like, hold on, hold on. Yeah. I have a question. When you talk about Brussels sprouts and fries, is this, is it family style? Or did you sit and enjoy your meal personal pizza pie style?

It was family style, but I wasn't about to share with my siblings. Yeah. So like everybody else was doing a family style. So is it like a buffet? It's all at a table. But they looked at my Brussels sprouts and I would slap their wrist. I would stab their thigh. I would shoo them.

I would eat at a different table until I was done. Yes. You're still wearing your Mavericks jersey from the night before. Yes. I'm wearing a Maxi Kleber shirtsy, six sizes too small. No, it was like, it was family style, but I'm not sharing with everyone. I'm sharing with like the people at my table. Okay.

Nice. Very nice. Yeah. A mini family, a smaller family. And then there was a tennis, you say? Did you win? win yeah there was some tennis to be had on sunday which was fun to have it was fun to play it was good um i'm realizing i'm not necessarily getting better unless i take lessons and like practice shots that i don't

normally like try to take in these practice sets that i play so i feel like i'm i've plateaued to the point where, actually, you gave me tennis lessons for my birthday a year and a half ago. That's right. And I never set a time with this guy. So maybe I can reach out to him finally and say, you know what, I'm ready to pull the trigger. Until then, I think he has just run away with my money, unless I just made the introduction and I was going to give him the money when you scheduled the lesson and I haven't given him any money.

I'll have to look at my Venmo history. So you didn't give me a gift. Well, I did. You did not give me a gift. I did. I gave you the guarantee. You did not give me a gift. I did.

You gave me. I gave you the access. You gave me a bill that was to be paid in kind, in good faith. You wrote that off as a tax write-off. It was a loss. That was never a bill paid. That was. It was not money in and it was not money out. It was a possible loss. It was not life out. Because it was an opportunity cost. I didn't invest that money, which could have grown. So that is a loss. It was a depreciating

asset. That's right. Because that guy's now worse at tennis. Yes. And the inflation means that your gift in 2023 was actually worth less than it is now you owe me slash uncle sam 154 dollars per hour wow not 150 anymore okay fine fine or what windbreakers we got him here he is he's 700 shy kicking the door um okay so so you're but you didn't play tennis with a instructor this weekend that was just with a with somebody yeah with a friend who's you know equally bad so we had fun but we weren't necessarily good at tennis well that's kind of nice though you had the realization that you need to level up to take a click. Yes, exactly. And you think you'll do that?

No, probably not because that requires effort. It requires finding an extra hour to play and an extra time. And then I'm like, you know, actually like being put my feet to the fire where like he's giving me instructions and I play like not necessarily the way I want to play, which is constantly slicing things back with trick shots. Yeah, yeah. He's going to teach me how to hit a top spin forehand. Get the racket back. It's going to require getting worse before it gets better.

Small step approach turns the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want a trainer. I just just throw me into a gym. I just like I just like beating my pal. Let me keep on doing that. Yes. Don't make me work for it.

Okay. My weekend, let me tell you everything. It started with a curveball. Would you like to hear about it? Actually, we're probably out of time okay let's go back to taxes so your 540 est the second quarterly payment just came up i'm curious what you did re-california refed you had a refund in 2022 and it was paid forward estimated estimated downpaid let me see your franchise tax board go to ftb.com that's the best part it's like every every six months i get a

letter from whatever new york oh the llc you created 11 years ago you owe us um i don't know 790 dollars yeah okay i don't know okay do i have to write and then you look up or can i write you a check and then you we like we talked to our accountant and and she's like um no i think you guys paid that so then i have to like call sacramento for nine weeks because they don't answer the phone you get like and at that point it's delayed and you owe penalty right then you get another one remember, I think it was two years ago. I like, it was so, so many weeks. I couldn't talk to anyone.

Eventually I had to like, I got through to someone who wasn't in the right department, but I was like, please don't hang up. And they gave me a fax number. This is 2022. I faxed. I had to print something out at my parents' house and have my dad fax it from work it was insane this is why I often blindly pay things

so I don't have to deal with fax machines yeah that's fair Jill and I are invited to a wedding for her family friend whoa curveball this wedding is in San Francisco actually in Sonoma so we're going wedding is in San Francisco. Actually, in Sonoma.

So we're going to fly to San Francisco. Six months ago, we gamed this whole thing out because we're like, okay, well, we want to go to this wedding. We don't have somebody to babysit Gemma while we're there. Jill's parents are also invited. So, like, we couldn't go with them and have them watch her. We didn't want to like, I don't think we had a nanny at the time, but we also don't want to fly her across the country just to have her babysit. So my parents have a friend in Palo Alto. They're going to go and visit them.

So I'm like, okay, this is perfect. You guys come to Sonoma for the weekend. We'll all spend the weekend together. The in-laws, my parents, Jill, Gemma, they can watch Gemma while we go to the wedding. Everything is perfect. We book an Airbnb for all of us. I rent the car. It's a black tie wedding.

I've got the tux. Jill gets a dress. She gets it altered. This is all for last weekend. Yeah, this is all for this past weekend. Thursday afternoon, I'm recording an episode of NADpod. I just see a text come in that says, my dad has COVID. Which dad?

Oh, your dad. Yeah, my dad. Yeah, Sam. Sammy has COVID. Oh, no. Yeah. And sort of like, okay. My my mom she's like i feel fine should i go and we're like no because you'll probably have it by the time we're and then

we're just bringing it to the wedding so we're like you guys don't like just don't even worry about coming uh my dad's fine everything is good uh and then we're like, Jill and I are talking like, okay. So I think we texted like some friends that we knew in San Francisco, texted my cousin, seeing who's, if anybody's around or has, knows a babysitter. I almost texted your brother and was like, who do you use for a babysitter? Would they drive an hour to Sonoma and watch my kid for this while I'm at this wedding? But then we're like, we don't want to find a brand new sitter and have them like put our daughter to bed you know um yeah unless they're an expert babysitter where they know better than you about any baby right and when it comes and now she's like 13 months her bedtime routine is so specific to us that like it would just be miserable to put

it you really have to sing this song she won't go down right so you read mommies are amazing twice then she'll say mo mo and that means moon she wants to read good night moon okay and then you read it just until she shuts it and she's tired and then she's gonna go to bed and that yeah do you know how to say cat it's mao mao you're gonna have to when you get to the page with the cat uh so yeah not would jemma be like this isn't my parents i'm not going to bed or you think she'd be like whatever this is fine i'm sleepy anyway she would be she would be stressed she would be like this is uh this is different she would she wouldn't really be thinking about me

she would be saying mama over and over she's like where the fuck is jillian because she says where the fuck is this is a trap when i put her to bed so if it's a total stranger absolutely fucked they have no chance no um so so then we're like all right well we're all gonna go and just i won't go to the wedding because i these are family friends of jill and her parents i'm just gonna i'll go and i'll babysit jim you're gonna be the babysitter yeah and then we're like packing it's like 9 p.m we're leaving at 9 a.m the next day and jill is like wait why are you like why are we even gonna make you fly across the country with jemma just so you can babysitter

while i go to a wedding i'm like oh yeah oh yeah, we'll just... Yeah, that was my first question. Right. And we just were so like on autopilot, like we're going to California. So then we're like, okay, you're staying here with Gemma. Jill's going to go to this wedding. And then Jill starts like packing all of the snacks for me to feed Gemma all weekend. She starts like overthinking like Gemma's schedule.'s like all right this is what you're gonna do this is what you're gonna do and she's gonna be sad she's gonna ask for this and whatever and then it's like 11 p.m and I'm like if you're gonna be stressed and miserable all weekend why don't you not go because and I'll go to the wedding we had these like perfect

conditions to go to California. And now it's all fucked. Why are we still trying to do it? We have a great excuse. So your dad getting COVID, which was half of a babysitter for like just four hours of the entire weekend. Yeah. Threw everything off. It was so flimsy.

Your mom's not going. He's not going. You're not going. Jill's not going. Gemma's not going. Five people. It was a house of cards. flimsy your mom's not going he's not going you're not going jill's not going jim is five people it was a house of cards and now nobody and now only jill's parents are going to a four-bedroom airbnb in sonoma uh which they texted and they're like it's lovely what do you tell the the wedding

person who's getting married like hey sorry jake's, Jake's dad has COVID, so we're not coming. I think we had dinner with them in the last few months, so they knew how flimsy this whole plan was. Touch and go. Right. Or they knew how much we had put together to make it happen. So I think when we said that, Jill sent a long text explaining everything and also saying sorry and wishing them the best and whatever.

And we're going to see them soon. And I mean, when you have a wedding, it looks like it was gorgeous. So you have a million other things happening when you get a text from us. They didn't care that much. They're like, oh, whatever. I mean, they were very friendly. But yeah, I don't think it affected them. They were understanding.

Yeah, yeah. they got it. They got it. And then it was just weird. We had this kind of borrowed time weekend, and it was great. Well, it was Father's Day, technically your second Father's Day. Yeah, Father's Day number two. Let's see. I went surfing.

Jill let me have the morning to go surfing with micah i came back she made breakfast and then and then we went oh yeah then we went to then we walked to the park jemma's obsessed with water so we like went to the fountains at Domino Park and I ran through the water with her. And are you relieved that the wedding didn't happen? I was like, no, I was like sad because we were looking forward to it. And it was like we never like dress up or anything. And like Jill got a great dress and I was like going to wear my tux that I got for Carnegie Hall. So I was like kind of excited.

And also would have been really nice to be in California with my parents but I guess like it was really cute that you guys like still dressed up on that Saturday yeah we guys like made like a wedding at home style dinner where it's like let me cook you dinner and like you dress in the dress too crazy two crazy things about it like or actually one crazy thing about it but you first of all to answer your question I think like as soon as the as my parents got taken out of the equation and the weekend was going to be really hard then i was happy that we made the decision to make it easy i wasn't like yeah so i was like sad that we missed the wedding but i was like happy that we didn't overextend and also us canceling uh meant that we were around on Friday night,

which was Amanda Ferry's wedding. So we were able to last minute go to that. So we got a wedding. We went to a wedding. The wedding was always going to happen. Whether it was going to be here or there. Yeah. So that was perfect.

Awesome. I think I won. Really? Yeah. Because I didn't have the COVID scare, the tuxedo rental issue. That wasn't a rental. I purchased a tuxedo, but yeah. And then the park thing seemed kind of.

The park was really nice. Boring. Way better to play tennis. I know she likes. Yeah, she likes water, but I like tennis. She likes water, but like tennis like water but that's fine and i like totals i feel like that's a wash yeah um overall we'll call it a draw we'll call it a draw yeah the recap recap nice nice thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this

episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think., Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do all right we're back yes yes this is a game we played i don't remember what we called it, but it was me showing you old photos of you, and you had to guess where you were and what date it was taken. That's right.

That's right. And I think I might not know the dates for all of these, but you can just kind of guess where they were. And I vaguely remember the dates. You have like a photographic memory about this kind of stuff that I do not have. Like you remember haircuts and shirts you had in a specific episode and all this stuff. Yeah, I'm a visual learner. Yes, exactly. And I'm strictly mustache based, which is why when I see this first photo of me, I know that it's from my hashtag mustache era.

Yeah, you didn't have many different eras for your looks. I don't think you changed them up as much as I did, but you did have one distinct mustache era. Yes. And it was in 2015. And I think this photo is from Berlin. Ding, ding, ding. The Krois boys. The Krois boys. Yes. from berlin ding ding ding the croiz boys the croiz boys yes we had you your brother pat castles

and marty and me went to berlin and stayed in croisberg we called ourselves the croiz boys yeah uh we um yeah we had a great time didn't? There was a DJ. What do you remember most? God. Well, I remember there was a place. I think it was called White Trash Fast Food, maybe. Yeah. It was called White Trash. An American restaurant in Berlin. Yeah.

It was White Trash Fast Food. And we heard that it was good. We ate there the first night. I think we met the owner. And we loved it we loved her and i think we went back like three times unless we went back just the the second time i also remember we watched edge of tomorrow twice because it's kind of a great movie to watch when you're hungover yeah um i remember our schedule was that where we would go out at midnight or 1, very European style, to the point where it was 8 or 9 p.m., the sun set, we were after lunch, at home chilling.

We were watching a movie, but the goal was to take a nap then and then go out later. I'm like, this doesn't feel healthy. This is not how bodies should go like we should be watching this movie falling asleep for the night but we would watch the movie take a nap after it had already been dark so that we can go out at midnight yeah this was it also resulted in us i think this is like the only night we hung out with pat like he yeah because he was not on that crazy schedule he kept a normal schedule we kind of like slept and laid around all day. Sometimes we went to a museum, but then like we would, we were mostly active from like 10, 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. We were nocturnal. There was also a morning where we couldn't reach Pat. We went to a museum and we're like, did he get abducted on his way back to his Airbnb? Like we haven't heard from him last night or into this morning. And now it's like 2pm. And he had like, I guess, had jet lag and slept for like 16 hours. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So we didn't get we didn't get to see him a ton. I also remember the first night

we were there. We're like, Alright, let's take it easy. Let's just Yeah, I think it was it was like a Tuesday or something. Like, we'll just go see what this bar is all about. And we like walked into a club that was like half indoor, half outdoor. It was like not very busy at all. And the bouncer just wouldn't let us in. And we like laughed because we thought he was making a joke. Like, you know, like when you're the first person in the bar and he says it's full. But he like genuinely didn't let us in.

We're like, wow, this is going to be, is this going to be hard to party? But we eventually, I forget the name. A Ritu American. We found this awesome DJ that we loved. And we just like kind of looked where he was going. He played like mid-2000s hip hop, which is all we wanted to hear. This was also the trip where I couldn't get into Berghain, which was a famous club in Berlin. That's right.

We also saw a football match, which I think I probably would have appreciated so much more like now. I don't even know who we saw play. It was like a FC Berlin or some like random German Bundesliga team. Yeah. All right. Let's see the next picture. That is from... I'm standing next to a naked person that you cut out, right?

Or at least a dummy. Is this from the AMPM Tumgis shoot? Too much good stuff. That's correct. Yes. This is one of our last branded content deals at CollegeHumor. It was me and you doing AMPM sponsored content. Yeah.

That was very ill-advised. I hardly remember what the theme was. I do remember they were launching a mascot named Tumgus, which stood for TMGS, aka too much good stuff. Yeah. The only thing I remember from this is that like the copy was so like it was it was like it was like an A.I. wrote in our voice, except like a little dumber. It was so. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was halfway us and like halfway just incredibly branded and also just like seemingly a little bit lazy. Like the first idea was just what happens sometimes where it's like, oh yeah, we got like our ad copywriter is a huge fan and he wrote in your voices and we sold it and we're like,

oh, awesome. Yeah. Like, yeah. And this one, a mere stance next to a naked cut out of himself. And Jake says,

what the hell is wrong with you, bro? Okay. $8,000 for today yet yeah it was i guess it was just like a lack of there was no subversion i feel like what jake and amir did was like we made we took that and then tried to subvert it in our own way and in the branded stuff it was just like no because you had to the only way you could subvert it was by adding tomb gist you it needed to be surface the the most like

funny slash soul crushing part is when like the clients were on set and like we would do something terrible and they're like that was really good oh we really like that yeah you said client loved it yeah they're going crazy in video village all right whatever uh okay next photo it's not oh this was also around 2015 i think this is also yeah yeah definitely berlin 2014 this 2015 um all right next photo oh this is one i don't recognize that's a oh that's a leg there's i'm holding a leg. I'm holding a leg. Am I? I wonder. Am I giving someone a piggyback ride? This looks like when we first moved to LA.

Is that a leg or a hand? It's such a thick, hairy appendage. I was really proud of this crop. I look like a little Galeon boy. Do you look so small? Is i look i look like theodore leslie yeah you look kind of hot you look good uh again la i would guess that i for whatever reason i think that arm belongs to john carlo and i don't know why but that's what i'll say sometime in la sometime in 2015 and sometimes with john carlo but maybe that's not his leg or arm 2015 is correct the arm is incorrect

it is a leg and it is not in la it's in australia yes this makes more sense this is the free shipment that is the foot of josh lefferts who got a tattoo of your face on stage live in brisbane you would think this would be a more seminal moment in my life some guy got a tattoo of my face on his foot and this is a during a live show i don't really remember yeah yeah um i also remember me having a long beard in australia but maybe that was the second time that was the second time got it yeah got it um all right yeah this is we went on tour with these two australian comedians called the free shit men who were fucking insane party animals and they would do insane stuff on stage like for example get tattoos as they called it yeah um my on steve on steve um the the other member of the free shipman is a tattoo of my face and he was the

more normal one i love steve yeah next photo this looks like a still slash maybe a a picture you took on set of the one of the lonely and horny episodes that's the house great from lonely and horny great guess you'd recognize that wallpaper anywhere that is ruby jade's bedroom and inely and Horny, which I believe I said this on pod, but I recognized a porn one time that I saw like on X videos. Just a full on porn being shot in this exact room. It's a photogenic house. And I also they when Matt Reif comedian like TikTok comedian Matt Reif announced his tour, he did like a video with him and Ashton Kutcher. And it was also at this house. Oh, wow.

You can see that on Instagram. It's like him doing a lap in the pool where we shot. That's amazing. We should have had Ruby Jade in the background. Great house. House in Studio City that I guess anybody can rent out and shoot whatever they want. Doesn't matter. These are all from like the same year, basically. I'm always wearing those same glasses. Yeah. city that i guess anybody can rent out and shoot whatever they want doesn't matter um okay these

are all from like the same year basically i'm always wearing those same glasses yeah let's see if we can jump ahead in time with the next photo this is cold this is either canada or iceland pharmacy interesting english pharmacy i feel like i'm playing that ge guesser game that's right all right you can see the trees in the background those are evergreen that's vermont yeah this architecture the the wood paneling above the pharmacy oh this little boy wearing yellow rain boots even though though it says Pharmacy All, I guess Iceland and your bachelor party. That is actually not even close.

It's so far away. This is New Zealand. This is Arrowtown. It was cold. It was cold because we went there in, I think it was June or July of 2016. Dead of their winter. Yeah, of 2016, right of their winter. Yeah. Yeah.

Of 2016, right? Wait, what town? I believe it was called Arrowtown. It was like where they shot the opening of Lord of the Rings. Is this right before we took the helicopter trip? Exactly. We took the helicopter trip like 15 minutes from here. This was a crazy trip because it was a it was a podcast branded sponsorship that our friend sold to like marty and it's like well jake and

amir go on vacation with me yeah um the lady that sold this thing uh and we'll just take videos and pictures and stuff we're like okay sure we'll take a free trip to new zealand yeah it was for new zealand air or something yeah air new zealand we went do you remember we went to like the air new zealand headquarters like near lax i think it was a it was either a picture yeah and they're like okay all you have to do is like take photos make snapchats that was like what the whole trip was it's like when you're there post on snapchat post on i think we did a facebook live or posted a video on facebook yeah just like social posts when they meant so little and and uh it it was it was the dead of their winter oh yeah they were debuting a new style of chair on their flights yeah that allowed

you to like turn your three seats of coach into a bed it was called yeah it was called the sky couch and yeah and it was where did they still do that i think i looked at it recently but yeah it was like you would just get a whole row of three seats and like the legs on them came up and you basically turned it into a bed and i remember they offered they were like, you can fly down on the sky couch or you can fly down in business. You can't fly down in first class. And we're like, okay. So the full lie down, the full lie down seat was off the table and business was just like a pretty good recline or the sky couch, which was full lie down.

And we didn't trust it you know we did uh business and we're like we're not doing the sky couch yeah and and then once we got to new zealand they brought us to the air new zealand like corporate office where they like let us shoot content on the sky couch they let us like test it out in their office and it was awesome yeah it was really comfortable and we're like we should have done i wonder if they kept they kept that yeah i kind of doubt it because like at a certain point they're just like no we can get more money for three seats like but who knows this is also when we did the world's longest bungee or not uh not bungee yeah the world's tallest was the world's tallest bungee but we were afraid that we did the world's tallest swing yeah because we were too afraid

yeah exactly we're like we're not doing the but they're fucking crazy at that swing they're like well we can do you upside down or like you guys can 69 or we can put a bag over your head and kick you off like a chair we're like just regular i guess it's already the's largest swing. I don't need an extra little bit of thrill. And do you remember what he said as soon as, so we got strapped into the swing. We didn't even want to go. We were strapped into the swing. As soon as we like get our legs hanging over just air below us, he was like, so you guys like pranks, right? And I was like, no, that's not me.

That's another guy. I'm not the prank guy oh yeah they keep doing fake outs like three two one no just kidding yeah yeah and then he would just drop you i think that's what they there's like three and then he dropped us it was a very like uh visceral memory that i'll never forget this world's largest swing i remember being kind of sick and it just like completely erased of that. Yeah. Yeah. It was so, there was just, all I remember is just like the sound. Like you, you just hear air going by you. You're falling so fast. I mean, you're over a gorge and they just drop you. It feels, it's the equivalent of like

convincing your brain and body you're about to die. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But it was awesome. I mean, once we were done, I'm glad. I don't think I could have done. The thing is with bungee jumping, they make you have to jump yourself. The swing was, at least we could do it because we had no control. It was like you get strapped in when you're standing on solid ground. They put you in a diaper. Yeah.

But like if they just tied a bungee cord around my feet and they're like, all right, dive. Remember to dive head first. I'd be like, I literally can't will my body to do that. It wants to live too much. And you know, it also like the trip was like borderline ruined because we were doing this swing at the end. And the entire time there was like a debate about are we going to bungee or will we swing? Because the bungee is cooler but scarier. The swing is safer but a little lamer.

And we're like, we should bungee. We should bungee. No, we should swing. I'm too afraid to bungee. And it was just like it was hanging over us the entire time. And it was also such a part of the – And then you take this bus up a fucking mountain. You're like – it's the the part of a roller coaster

you're going up you're like this is too much tension i can't handle it get me out of here and then i think that maybe that's when we decided to to do the swing which which means we're deciding up until the last possible second uh all right so good trip next photo do you remember the name of the swing real quick um god no just the world's largest swing queenstown new zealand do you remember i believe it's the nevis and yes yes this swing nevis this was my favorite shirt i remember it was a great show what happened to it i wore it sometimes a great shirt this is in new orleans or vegas it was a fun trip and i can't tell if it was new orleans or vegas but it was uh i'll say my 30th birthday in vegas even though it might be the the road trip

with john and john carlo new orleans this was new orleans the road trip next to a horse cop yes you and a horse cop and i think i think it was it actually might not have been the road trip with John and Giancarlo. That's me standing next to a horse cop. Yes, you and a horse cop. And I think it was, it actually might not have been the road trip. I think this might have been Giancarlo's bachelor party. Wow. I remember that. It was a very fun weekend, but it was the hottest I have ever been in my entire life. Yeah, yeah.

It was like 100 degrees at night level humidity. Yeah, yeah. Where like during the day in the sun, it would literally burn and melt you. Like we couldn't even be outside. Yeah, yeah. So hot, so humid. Just like walking anywhere hungover. It was insanely hot.

But good old time. Good old time. Shout out to John Grimm editing this because he was there. Man of the match for me, actually. All right, next photo. Oh, I know this one this is in dublin me you and ben on some sort of ship good very good do you remember who took it yeah jesse i think that's correct jesse aaron last photo this might be kiyobi wow this is me is this the second australia because i got a long beard going on that's correct yes me and streeter in australia australia was fun australia was great and i also like totally had forgotten that we went to New Zealand a second time, me, you, and Streeter.

And I remember we tried to do all of the stuff that we did during our all-expense paid trip to New Zealand. And we realized it was insanely expensive. We were like, oh, yeah. We'll do the helicopter. And then we saw the prices. We're like, oh. Oh, geez. We can't do that.

Should we go on the swing? Oh, God. That's pretty expensive. We're just going to. Let, geez, we can't do that. Should we go on the swing? Oh, God, that's pretty expensive. We're just going to get an Airbnb. Yeah, we're going to get an Airbnb and drink at the hostel. Didn't we go to New Zealand because we're going to go somewhere else, but there was a hurricane or something? Yeah, we were planning on going to Byron Bay in Australia after our Australia tour. And then it was like monsoon or wet season.

It was just like a week straight of storms and we're like we should pivot and we went to new zealand instead yeah on a whim no regret absolute whim it was awesome we had that sick airbnb over the lake we like got whiskey and cigars and just sat in the hot tub even though we weren't rich we acted like like we were the richest we've ever been. Even though we couldn't afford a helicopter tour, we acted like we could. Because we split the Airbnb three ways until it became affordable. And it was a tax write-off.

You have to know that it was an expense. We can still be audited for that trip that's how fucked up this is all right that was a fun trip down memory lane very nice that was us all over the world we were globetrotting what haven't we seen man do you think we'll ever i think we'll ever travel again or that's sort of a woe begun time where kids are kids and I mean now that you're

we have our own lives it feels like it's well you can come next time Jill and I are invited to a wedding you can come and be the babysitter I'm not good with kids you know I'm not good with babies they all detest me I release a pheromone that sort of pisses them off.

Gemma does kind of low-key hate your ass. I've never met a baby that didn't bite my nose. You know that like got your nose game? That's them to me. They bit my nose. All of them. Yeah. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right. One last segment. Okay. This is, it's actually good. We don't have a lot of time.

It's a shorty. A good one to end on. It's a tag. It's a fourth act. It's a half-baked one that might steal the show or might be a nothing burger. Like when I was thinking, there are certain words and phrases that I probably either don't know or don't know how to define, even though they're normal words that I hear all the time. So I said, oh, maybe this is a good segment. I'll give Jake words and see if he can define them. Words that you probably have heard a lot before. All right. But you've never really stopped to think, what does that mean exactly? Yeah.

Yeah. Either that or these are words that you definitely know the answer to. Okay. Ready? Mm-hmm. First one. Jake, I want you to define nougat. Nougat.

Nougat. Noun. Etymology. Latin. Derived from. Etymology. Candy. Yeah. Nougat, of course.

I guess it's... I guess it's... My mouth's getting dry. I guess it's... It's in Three Musketeers. So it's kind of like... Yeah. It's like a mousse.

It's like a caramel. It's like, oh, let's call it a mousse. Let's call it... Yeah, it's a mousse. It's like a caramel. It's like, oh, let's call it a mousse. Let's call it, yeah, it's a mousse. So a nougat for you is like a mousse. A malted mousse. Yeah. Yeah. Close.

It's a family of confections made with sugar or honey. So it's usually this hardened log of whatever. Okay. And then there's sometimes roasted nuts, whipped egg whites, and sometimes chopped candied fruit. Sounds delicious. Three Musketeers style. Okay. Exactly.

So that's the level we're talking. All right. Yeah. Give me another. Yeah. Here's another one that's more of a phrase that I sort of always brush to the side of my brain, but recently learned what it meant. Okay. Come to Jesus moment.

What's a come to Jesus moment? Come to Jesus. I guess it's like it's a profound realization, like the equivalent of like that's when I found Jesus. That's when my life drastically changed, when I realized this thing. That's correct. It's a moment of sudden realization or comprehension. Yes. Yes.

And what about a come on Jesus moment? I would give you Faustian Bargain. Come on, Jesus. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Got it. I was saying I would give you Faustian Bargain bargain but that's something we've figured out on the podcast yeah i genuinely did forget what it was faustian bargain yeah i can't remember that one was like a deal with the devil or you sell your soul for something okay yeah yeah

and come on jesus you mean like uh actual semen or like, come on, Jesus, let's go. Yeah, like a moment where you're telling your friend to get out of here. Yeah, no, Jesus is late for, he's going to shoot a bukkake porn. Existential. Existential. A threat to your existence. That's correct. Concerned with existence. Okay.

An existential threat. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. All right, I got two more. Leverage. Leverage. Leverage. That is your bargaining power. Your leverage is how you, what lever you can pull what kind of force you

can exert and when you have leverage it means you have uh more pull more torque yeah etc etc and that is correct for half of it do you know the business definition where they're like you're over leveraged or you're under leveraged or how much leverage this company has oh um i guess no but maybe let me let me venture a guess you're over okay leveraged means you're uh you've you've borrowed more money than you can pay back yeah kind of it's the amount of debt that you have to the value of equity of the company right on right on so if you keep borrowing money like netflix was for a second let me borrow money and not make a profit over and over and over yeah yeah because the value of our business is growing and that's right off correct uh and lastly but probably leastly kaleidoscope kaleidoscope um kali kali what is kali

i mean we know what a kaleidoscope is it's it's yeah's. Yeah. How would you just, how would you define it? I guess a lot of refracting lenses that make a magical image when you put your eye to the hole. Final answer. Yeah. I guess it's sort of, yeah, it's a tube containing mirrors it's always a tube a tube yeah yes it's always a two a mirrors in a tube is a colitis right mirrors in a tube are those still popular amongst babies those are a big thing when i was growing up the tubes and the mirrors and the refractions and the prisms we might get there we might get there i don't think i don't think that jemma has the patience for something like that yet but i think it's probably it's probably close yeah because right now anything

is exciting for her it doesn't have to be like a tube of mirrors just like you know you're 13 months like a fucking giraffe on a stick is the most amazing thing in the world yeah i mean the most the most exciting thing in her life right now is the vacuum cleaner so that's that's where we're at but we'll we'll get past that and then she'll be peering in the in the hose i'm sure you should sit her on a Roomba for her birthday. That's a good idea. That's a great idea. Imagine that come to Jesus moment for her

when you can combine a vacuum cleaner and Gemma into one sort of bot. Yeah, it would be as sweet as nougat on the day. All right, you sort of knew all those ones, but I was hoping that it'd be a little bit harder to define i didn't really know maybe i'll keep thinking about that thing yeah i like it was a guess yeah definitely i didn't really get it i don't think i said a moose yeah and i meant yeah this is correct yeah between deer or moose thank god God I said moose. So you really got lucky.

Yeah. Yeah. You got insanely lucky. Okay. All right. Half-baked idea at the end there. All right. Love it.

All right. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. These are always on YouTube if you want to view us being silly in addition to listen to us. That's true. But thank you either way. And you can watch more of us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA.

Ja, folks. How about that? How about it? We're watching Jake and Amir videos. Sometimes we're even writing Jake and Amir videos. That's true. Brainstorming new ideas, writing new scrolls. So you can check out all those videos.

There's hundreds now at patreon.com slash JA. Give someone in your life a 4th of July gift that they won't forget. Yeah, definitely. But if you keep wanting that free content, we'll be back, of course, every Monday until we turn 100. Can't wait. Bye, everybody. Bye.

That was a Hiddem Original.