Segments - 350: Dream Cheating (w/Yeardley Smith!)

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

Voice of Lisa Simpson, and podcaster Yeardley Smith joins us to discuss bullying, The Simpsons, and her new podcast "Small Town Dicks!"See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If I were you, if I were you, if I were you. All right. Whoa. That sounded so Seattle. That was very pop punk grunge. It was, it was. Yardley, are you a pop-punk grunge fan? Did that resonate? I'm a closet hair metal fan.

Oh, really? So that was close enough, I hope, maybe? Load up another theme song, bud. It's like the next incarnation of rock. Hair metal actually was a very short period of time, and then it morphed into grunge and much more

progressive stuff. Yeah, and then where morphed into grunge and much more progressive stuff. Yeah. And then where did you land on that timeline? Well, I'm 54, right? So I love my 80s rock. Yeah. But I recently discovered, somebody said, okay, Yardley, if you were to put together a list of 10 songs you can't live without, what would it be?

And everything's in a Minor Key? It's a very emo list. With a little bit of Aretha Franklin. Oh, that's nice. Which is also now dark. Mine is all Dashboard Confessional. Oh, that's cool. So you would love that opening theme song. It was actually written by

a guy in a band who's a full-time producer audio engineer named Brandon Peralta. His website named brandon peralta his website is brandonperalta.com and he runs blockhead gaming i guess he's not part of a band he's part of a youtube channel so thank you brandon peralta all right awesome and thanks to yardley smith for being here what an honor thank you for having me i'm i'm so amazed that you get a new theme song every show they're not all winners They're not all that good. And it's not only one for a show. We end

the show with a different theme song. That's unbelievable. I don't know what we were thinking. What an incredibly engaged audience you have. They are way more talented than us, for the most part. That's not what I said. But it is what you meant. Lock the door. I can always read the undertones. That's unfair.

We usually save the plugs for the end, but why don't we just get right into it? Why the hell are you here? What are you talking about? It's not The Simpsons. I think enough people watch The Simpsons. You're good there, right? We're good. We can talk about The Simpsons, though.

I feel like you can't really have me on a podcast or something that's mostly auditory, because sometimes they film podcasts, and not have me do Lisa podcast or something that's mostly auditory because sometimes they film podcasts and not have me do Lisa Simpson. Wow. I was afraid to ask. Everybody's afraid to ask. You can't not do it. It's just, it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be right. It would be criminal.

I'm just going to throw my favorite quotes at you throughout the year. I'm playing it very cool, but Simpsons raised me. I didn't have much parents growing up. I have just VHS tapes of recorded Simpsons episodes. You could do worse, dude. Yeah, definitely. He's got two loving parents. He just chose the Simpsons.

We'll get to you recording our voicemails later. Okay. You'll be sorry because people will just call and hang up. They'll just call to hear the voicemail and go like, that's so fucking cool. Yeah. All right, I'll save my 10,000 Simpsons

questions for later in the show. But you're doing a podcast now? Yeah, so I have a true crime podcast that I...

Amazing. Called Small Town Dicks. That's funny. Which is an amazing title. And I actually did a morning show the other day and they weren't allowed to say dicks on television. Even though it's private eye?

I mean, that's what I said. I said, if you don't think of it in terms of Me Too context, but rather in terms of the noir slang in 1940 for detective, then you can say dicks. And they're like, no, we can't say it. You can say whatever you want on our podcast. Thank you. I meanicks and they're like no he's no we can't say it you can say whatever you want on our podcast thank you i mean that and that was the we'll bleep it out but you can say whatever you want fair enough probably best anyway so just like edit my sentences together with about every fourth word yeah no so we'll just we'll ask you a question i'll edit to you saying dicks dicks which might actually be the answers to a lot of these questions.

But is your true crime podcast a nonfiction? Oh, yes. All of our cases are told by the detectives who investigated them. Cool. Which is, especially for podcasts, is a real point of difference. You get that a lot on television, much more. And so I co-host with my best friend, Zibi Allen. Who is she on The Simpsons? a real point of difference. You get that a lot on television, much more. Yeah. Um, and so we,

I co-host with my best friend, Zibi Allen. Who is she on The Simpsons? She's not on The Simpsons. She's just, why are you friends with her? I just, don't you know,

none of the people on The Simpsons socialize? Oh, is that true? Yeah. That's why we all still get along. No, that's kidding. I'm kidding.

Um, but it is true that we actually don't really hang out together. Oh, right. You guys record separately, right? And some people even record from home. Oh, really? good. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But it is true that we actually don't really hang out together. Oh, right. You guys record separately, right? And some people even record from home? Oh, really? Yeah, like an old radio play. That's amazing.

That's just like us. You crank it out in 22 minutes. Plus commercials. No. It takes eight months to animate one episode. What are they taking so long? Because I feel like I can crank one out in at least six weeks, eight weeks. And that's just me.

I mean, if you don't draw with your toes, probably you could go a lot faster, you know? And they've got a whole team of animators, I'm assuming. Yes. And a lot of it is reusable, right? Well, no, we went to computer animation in, I think it was season 12. And it didn't actually speed anything up, as I understand. Not really. It made the backgrounds easier.

Oh, I see. Which was good. And it gave you, instead of 64 colors, you got literally a million colors. The first Simpsons were only 64 colors? Something like that. Whatever the standard spectrum for colors was in animation from forever until season 12,

it was that. And then they went to computer animation. Of course, you could have the most granular little slices of the same shade. But they still hand draw a lot of stuff, and especially if they're doing a Halloween episode, which is all the backgrounds are different, all the clothes are different.

There is no cut and paste, slap it on, you know, like paper dolls. It's not like that. Yeah. I just want to ask you Simpsons questions. Anyway. Chill out, fanboy. We can mix them in. We can mix them in.

All right. Well, yeah, we'll pepper them in throughout. This is not just a Simpsons Q&A. No. But the Small Town Dicks, you're doing a full season. You're doing two seasons. Yes, we just launched our third season. We're only a year old.

Wow. But our first season had, I think it was 14 episodes, and we released them once a week. Is each episode a new crime? Yes, a new case. Got it. And we have several recurring guests, several recurring detectives. But the other two co-hosts of the podcast are identical twin detectives named Dan and Dave. Really?

Who are both detectives in the same precinct. Dan and Dave. In the same town. Yeah. Private eyes. Brilliant. In the same town. Yeah. Private eyes. Brilliant. It's so brilliant. Dan investigates violent crimes, and Dave investigated sex crimes and child abuse, and

he just was actually promoted to sergeant, so we're pretty happy for him for that. Oh, wow. I was totally imagining there was a case of a missing chihuahua or some sort of silly crime. Oh, no, no. These are for real. This is hardcore. like a case of a missing chihuahua or some like sort of silly crime. Oh, no, no. These are like, these are for real. This is hardcore.

And the funny thing is, is that the name was, we thought there would be a much more levity in it because Dan and Dave are actually incredibly funny. And there's a fair amount of gallows humor that goes into these law enforcement professionals processing their day to day because how else could you survive, right? Seeing the worst of humanity every time you leave your house. Oh, my gosh. And then we got into it and we realized, oh, no, it's much darker than we anticipated.

And in order to give these cases and the victims and the whole scenario the reverence that it deserves, meanwhile, we're stuck with our names, which we still really love. Even the acronym is bad, STDs. Oh, wow. Yeah, so we call our fans the Small Town Fam. Nice.

And they really are fantastic. We have over 700 five-star reviews on iTunes. Holy cow. Like, they're so active. That's awesome. And we, Zibi and I decided, so Dan and Dave would tell us these stories about their day-to-day. And Zibi and I, on, you know, one sort of tipsy vacation, where we were, Zibi and I were with them. And we were all just sitting around.

And we were all a little tipsy. And we're like, well, this should be a podcast. That's how every podcast starts. That's what I've heard. Everybody says that. I'm funny. I could have a podcast. I got drunk and I started a podcast. Yes.

What did I do last night? You check your iTunes? Oh, no. Eight reviews. Oh, God. So then six weeks later, we were like, yeah, we can do this. And so we, of course, had no idea what we were doing. And we decided we wanted it to be highly curated, sort of like This American Life, as opposed to more freeform where Zibi and I do most of the talking.

We're like, no, no, we want the case to be the star. And it turned out to be incredibly fascinating to hear how these detectives get from A to Z. Like when you read it in the paper or hear it on the news, you get a dot, not even barely the tip of the iceberg. So to hear the investigation from soup to nuts and all of the obstacles and all of the boxes you have to check in order to do it right so that you haven't violated anybody's rights so that your case, if it goes to trial, stands up in court, all of those things, it is, it's a lot of heavy lifting. Have you found that it's similar to like what we see on TV?

Like is True Detective accurate or is it like, no, that's a glamorized version? A lot of it is just paperwork. It's a lot of paperwork, which is incredibly just... Exciting. Oh, I love paperwork. But you know what really floored us was how long it takes to get DNA results. How long does it take? It could easily nine months.

Oh, really? Easily nine months. And you could be the guy or the female detective who's like, no, you don't understand. This guy will rape again or this guy will kill again or woman if we don't get these definitive results. And the DNA lab, now that we rely on it so heavily, is so backed up. And a lot of states, not California because we have huge metropolitan areas, but a lot of states that aren't as populated as we are have one DNA lab for the entire state. What the heck? You can animate

a Simpsons in less than it takes to analyze DNA. I mean, yes! You know what? Give me the DNA next time, because I really feel like I can do it in four to six weeks. You have an overconfidence issue. You think in six to eight weeks you can animate an episode of The Simpsons and do DNA analysis? Probably simultaneously. How hard is it? It's A to T

and C to G or something, right? And I feel like once you figure that out. Did Lisa the Vegetarian feel as important when you were recording it as it was when it came out? And did you meet Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney? No, sadly. So that show was, David Merkin

was our showrunner at the time. And he actually went to their farm i believe they have a farm in surrey england or they used to where they also have a recording booth and david went by himself i was not invited i was really really disappointed in that and i think it was definitely after the fact that i learned that both of them insisted they would only do the show if Lisa remained a vegetarian for the rest of the length of the series. And so when I heard that, I realized that that was significant. And to their enormous credit, the writers have held to that. And occasionally they put Lisa in a situation where, like we had an episode a couple years ago where she ate

bugs and she didn't know if that meant that she was going back on her vegetarian, you know, her lifestyle. She thought, is that cheating? Is it because they're not really animals? I think even vegans give you a pass on straight up bugs. Oh, they do? I think so. Because you don't get a pass on butter as a vegan.

Or eggs. Boo. Boo to that. You can't even have lamb. You can't even eat the small ones. You kicked a dog on your way to work. Yeah, but I didn't eat him. Wait, is that the level?

You're chewing a cattail. As a joke. For yard leave. Oh, thanks. All right. I searched our email account for the Simpsons. Maybe someone had a Simpsons related question for us. Oh, do. All right. I searched our email account for The Simpsons. Maybe someone had a Simpsons-related question for us. Oh, do you think?

And there were a few that came up. This one was my favorite. We give these people fake names just to preserve their anonymity. And this is a 20-year-old girl. That's what we do on our True Crime podcast. Oh, really? Yeah, we change all the names and we never say the places and none of the detectives. We never say their last names.

Oh, that's smart. So this is a 20-year-old girl from Melbourne, Australia. Do you have a fake name just so we can refer to this lady as something, anything? Maybe a name from your life or if you want to make one up. Oh, for her? Yeah. Oh, yeah. How about Penelope?

That's good. That's pretty. Penelope writes, I'm a 20-year-old girl from Melbourne, Australia, and I'm a huge Simpsons fanatic. I have all the DVDs, own countless items of Simpsons clothing and jewelry, and used to do a Simpsons quote of the day on my social media. I also create Simpsons art at HomerJSimps on Instagram if you'd care to check it out. Anyway, I started a new class at uni, and I didn't know any of my peers. I was okay with this because I make friends quite easily. I have attended this class three times, each class being three hours long.

During this time, some of my peers have noticed my Simpsons obsession. This resulted in a particularly loud-mouthed guy starting to call me Simpsini. I was okay with this because I thought it was funny. However, recently the rest of these circle-jerking divas in class have taken to name-calling a little bit too far. I've even been called El Farto. That's pretty funny. I barely speak

during this class, and none of these people know me very well. I've stopped wearing anything slightly Simpsons-related to this particular class. I have this class again in a few days, and I feel like ditching. So, Amir, how do I stop this name-calling? She wasn't asking me. No, they assume you haven't been ridiculed in your life. Do I feel like ditching. So, Amir, how do I stop this name calling? She wasn't asking me. No, they assume you haven't been ridiculed in your life.

Do I stop going to class altogether or risk failing the subject? You can put me on blast, make me feel bad about my past, but help me get through this class before I kick your damn ass. Thanks. Love, Penelope. So Penelope is in a quandary. She's too

much of a Simpsons fan, if you can believe it. How cool for her. She had no idea that Yardley Smith would ever be on our podcast. We waited for this one moment. So Lisa herself can answer it. I'm sure you've experienced Simpsons fanaticism beyond what this is. Just like a few pieces of jewelry, clothing, and some DVDs. Oh, yeah.

You know, we've seen full-body tattoos. I have a great story of a waiter who I was in Vegas a few years ago. He used to make shoes in Italy. I had a shoe company for five years. Wow. There are two shoe shows a year in Las Vegas. And I ordered room service, and the waiter showed up. And I was by myself, and he goes, oh my god, I knew

it was you. And already I'm like on high alert. And he says, I saw the ticket come out and I saw your name and I said, I'll take this order. So he comes, he brings it up, right? Brings it in my club sandwich, puts it down on the table, he goes, I just have to show you something. And he starts to pull up his pant leg.

You assume it's a gun? I thought Lisa was a vegetarian. How dare you? You're supposed to stay up his pant leg. You assume it's a gun? I thought Lisa was a vegetarian. How dare you? You're supposed to stay in character for Paul. For everyone, all the time. And he has Simpsons tattoos all the way up his calf and his shin and little things like the nuclear power plant. Oh, that's cool.

And Lisa and her saxophone and Homer and various things and all the characters and he starts to pull his pant leg up higher and I'm like, okay, you could stop at the knee. We're good. That's good. Because it was going to go on and there were outlines and more things. I believe you there are more tattoos. I think there's a Krusty the Clown somewhere in the middle there.

I saw a guy with Krusty the Clown tattooed all over his chest and his belly, and Krusty's belly button was his belly button. Krusty's belly button. Wow, that's dope. Yeah, that's a lot. That's just a lot. Anywho, back to Penelope. That's a good tattoo I think you would get.

I was thinking of getting a Milhouse on my butt. What? Yeah, I like Milhouse a lot. You do? Yeah, I like the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts. And so, you know, as a glasses guy with blue hair myself, I was like, oh, if I ever get a tattoo, it would be fun to have Milhouse. Milhouse could take a few pointers from you to be a little bit cooler.

Maybe Lisa Simpson would actually give him the time of day. That's right. Thrillhouse. Or poor Ralphie Wiggum, maybe. He's lost. He's lost. He's dead. My cat's breath smells like cat food, is what Ralph Wiggum says. Do you do any other voices on the show?

I do an old woman named Mrs. Glick once in a while. Although they have killed her off and resurrected her, I think, just to have a laugh at my expense. Because it's pretty terrible. Yeah, it's pretty terrible. Anyway, back to Penelope. Her life hangs in the balance. Penelope, what should you do? Well, you definitely shouldn't give up the course

and succumb to peer pressure. No. I guess I feel like... So she says she hardly talks in this class and people are just ganging up on her. That's such a hard place to be. I was, I mean, I certainly had my fair share of bully encounters when I was a kid. Where did you grow up?

Washington, D.C.? The mean streets of D.C.? I did. Was it as dangerous as it sounds? I think pockets of it, you know, but not where I lived. I lived in, of course, a nice middle-class neighborhood. But I did take three city buses to school. Wow. It's just a different it, you know, but not where I lived. I live in, of course, a nice middle class neighborhood. But I did take three city buses to school. Wow.

It's just a different time, you know. And your mom would send you out to play. And we had a cowbell. She would ring the cowbell when it was dinner time. And that meant get your ass back in here. It's time for dinner. Wow. But you just were gone for hours at a time.

Classic Americana. Yeah. I miss that. And then other mothers got cowbells so you had to actually learn to distinguish your own. Which was a lot,

I felt like a lot like being a pet. Just find yourself wandering up to strangers' houses. Shit. Shit. Sorry.

My mom has that, just give me a meatloaf and we'll call it a day. So do you think this girl should embrace it? Do you think she should maybe stop wearing as much Simpsons or lean into it even more heavily?

Tell the haters go F themselves. Get the crusty tattoo. Yeah, kick it up a notch. I like the El Fardo nickname. Maybe she can embrace that. It's so hard. Because you don't want to not lean into your passion altogether and acquiesce to the people who are giving you a shitty time, right? Yeah. You don't want to feel like they won.

Yeah. But at the same time, you don't want to be so isolated that you are just, you really are isolated. I don't know. Help me out here. What do you do? It's kind of tough because almost no matter what you you do you did because you were getting bullied right you either right double down and you have more simpsons stuff right or you stop stop dressing up all together but like either way the bully chose the course or maybe you do just like don't break stride at all that's right living well is

the best revenge of the nerds. So you keep it going. You embrace it. You don't let it get to you. What is name calling? Name calling is so bad, but what is it? It doesn't matter. It's just words. It just sounds. And I feel like if somebody calls you a name and it irks you, then I always feel like there's something inside of you that feels like they might be

right about that. Right. Because, for instance, if somebody says to me, Yardley, you're really not that smart because I didn't go to college, right? Me either. Then I just feel like... Oh, you guys just missed a fist bump. I just, that doesn't land on me at all because I feel like I'm pretty life smart and I have certain strengths in

academics in some places and not in others and I'm okay with it. So that insult will never get you anywhere with me. But if you say to me, Yardley, you're not that pretty, then that was always an area that I was very much in doubt about for most of my life. So that would make me go, oh shit, oh God, okay, what do I, what do I look fat? And then I would start to, so if there's something about them saying that she's a nerd or a dork for loving The Simpsons so much, then I wonder if there's just some tiny piece of Penelope that makes her feel as though she should have other interests, which is absurd. Yeah.

Don't let the haters win, Penelope. Don't let the haters win, Penelope. And don't let them win yardly. I assure you, you're prettier than you are smart. Beautiful. Beautiful and dumb. Ow, that hurt. That was such a backhanded compliment.

Thank you. No, that's just the name of Jake's autobiography. One last thing on Penelope. I feel like you touched on this too, that she doesn't talk a lot during class. So maybe if she just doesn't let these guys affect her and she just starts talking more during class, they'll, one, find something new to make fun of her for, or realize that she's got bigger interest than just the Simpsons and then they can talk to her about those things.

But if she's quiet and wears Simpsons gear, there's not really anything for people to react to if they're looking to react to something. Jake saves the day. Isn't that the classic way that it goes? That was amazing. So you do listen to this show. That's so good.

All right, let's answer some more questions. But first, I want to take a break, thank some sponsors, and we'll be back with more questions and answers with Yardley after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

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Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

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So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Lisa Simpson is such an important character because to me it's kind of what separates The Simpsons from a show like Family Guy where it's like Lisa's the heart of the show. She's the soul of the show. She's the mind of the show.

It's the way of these smart writers to flex their intellectual muscles. And it's all filtered through this sweet eight-year-old girl. Did it feel like that important when you were auditioning for it back, gosh, when was it? 30-something years ago? 87, I think we started on the Tracy Ullman Show. No, at all. I mean, Lisa wasn't, she wasn't really a person until we went to Half Hour. That's right. She was just sort of a bratty sister to Bart, who was the star, because, you know,

The Simpsons is based on Matt Groening's own family. So Bart is an anagram for brat, and that's Matt. Nice. He has a sister named Maggie, a sister named Lisa. His mother's name is Margaret, and his father's name is Homer. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. And his grandfather's name is Abe.

Oh, my gosh. Like Grandpa. So Lisa— What a coincidence. What? What do you know? And there is a story which is apparently true and not an urban myth that when Matt, so Jim Brooks was, James L. Brooks, our executive producer, was a big fan of Life in Hell, which is Matt's syndicated cartoon. The comics.

That he's in forever. The comic with the bunny. Inky and Blinky. Yeah, Blinky, the one-eared bunny. Rabbit, yeah. And so Jim Brooks wanted life in hell for these little what we called bumpers on the Tracy Ullman show. We would do like, I think it was three, four 30-second segments or something. We did four segments a show,

and we would tell a whole story in those four segments. And Matt was then informed as he was on his way to his meeting with Jim Brooks that if you give them life and hell, then you no longer own the IP. So if the show succeeds, great. It's mailbox money, it's great, and you'll have it. But once the show is over, you will, it won't be your livelihood anymore. And if the show fails, then your livelihood is immediately wiped out. Because they took it, stole it, and then they're gone.

And we own it. And thank you very much. Wow. Off you go. So he, so he, in the waiting room of Jim Brooks's office, he drew the Simpsons on a napkin. What the heck? And named them after his family. Holy cow. Yeah. So he's like, yeah, no, I got this other cartoon.

It's about a fucking dad named Homer and Maggie, the baby. Exactly. Who doesn't talk. Anyway. We'll figure it out in 30 years. But it sounds pretty good, right? Yeah, really good. So Lisa wasn't, she was just, you know, the bratty little sister until we went to half hour. And then Jim Brooks decided he wanted her to be extraordinarily brilliant.

Super well read for literally an eight-year-old. That she would be As you say the intellect She really does embody all the writers Also their emotional angst growing up Because they were all the biggest nerds And the smartest people in the room And they didn't know where they fit in And so they work out all of their childhood angst

To Lisa Simpson It's a lot of responsibility You're like their therapist It's like that episode where Bart gets really good at hockey It's like Bart gets to Bart gets really good at hockey. It's like, Bart gets to sit up front today because he's a good guy at sports. That's like all what they heard, all the writers heard growing up. That's right. Lisa takes it up.

At the end of the day, the nerds get their revenge. Of course. And at the same time, though, I think if you met them, you go, oh, it makes complete sense. Every time they give something to Lisa Simpson, by the end end of the show they've taken it from her yeah whether it be a friend or a pony or an achievement that's right yeah but like the the sweetest episodes were like the ones where like lisa and homer finally bond like that's like the shows it's like oh now it's i'm feeling touched out of this cartoon that's like 95% silly. Yes. All right, now you have to ask a small town dicks question.

When you meet the dicks. Sorry. An episode. Now let's try to answer some more questions. Maybe some more stuff will come out of there. This one's about farting. So this one, the first one's about the Simpsons. This one is more in my wheelhouse.

Okay. Do you have a name for this lady who is in a bit of a fart crisis? Oh. Or a shit pickle, if you will. Captain Farto. Oh, yeah. El Farto. El Farto. Okay. El Farto. I like that. Alright. El Farto writes, Holy shit. I'm in a crisis and I need your help. Last night, my boyfriend

of several months and I were snuggled underneath the covers, chatting and having a good time. All was well until the most horrific, unbelievable smell hit my nose. I quickly realized it was a fart. A fart. But not just any fart. This was a colossal, I've never smelled anything before this bad in my life fart. Both of us lost the ability to speak out of, uh, our bodies were completely frozen, eyes watering, head turning away in agony. Now, normally I would have laughed it off. However, my boyfriend and I haven't gotten to the point of being comfortable farting around each other yet. So I don't know what to say.

We both just sat there trying to pretend like we weren't smelling the worst thing in the world. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is, I don't know which one of us farted. I don't know whose butt it came out of. I truly have no idea. So there I was lying in the bed for the next hour trying to figure out who farted. This could be a good one for your murder mystery show.

Knew it would come back. Because here's the thing. I did have gas that night. I admit it. But I thought that that fart couldn't possibly be from me. So trying to think on my toes, I let out a quick toot outside the cupboard to check the status of things. And boy, oh boy, it smelled terrible. So conclusion, it could have been me, but also

it could have been him. We had the same food that night, so there isn't enough evidence to make a firm conclusion. I also don't remember farting before that smell happened. Usually I'm very sneaky, spreading my butt shakes apart in order to create a tube effect with my anus, letting out a fart seep out silently. I cannot believe the level of thought. That's a lot of information. It's not TMI, it's just a good amount of EMI. But I didn't do it that night. It is possible that the fart could have snuck out without me noticing? So now I don't know what to do.

Get Dave and Dan on the horn. I wish I would have said something in this moment. And now I don't know how to bring it up again. Should I apologize? Should I point fingers? How do I broach this topic? Also, is there any way we could start farting around each other? I'm really tired of holding my butt cheeks apart every time I need to pass gas. He always asks me what I'm doing

and it's weird. Yeah. Thanks, Love El Farto. Wow, what a story. What a tale he wove. She wove. Right, she wove. When I'm hearing about fart jokes, I just assume it's a man. It's nice to hear one from a female perspective.

Well, if your relationship hasn't moved past the who farted in bed and created the Dutch oven yet, then perhaps it's not a relationship that's going to, that's longed for this world. Yeah. You break the seal quite quickly. I'm just, it seems like at a certain point, somebody's going to fart and you're going to look at each other and you're going to giggle and go, sorry. And then we're done. We're moving on to the next thing. Yeah.

I don't know. That's just me. You do have to, I think you got to do it quickly. But to me, there's like a difference between just like a loud comic fart and then a stenchy fart. Yeah, the silent but violence. I can break like a horn toot into a relationship right away. Because it's funny. It's loud.

It's abrasive. It's everything you want to be. But it's not silent and quiet and reeks of shit, which is everything you don't want to be. Is there a question in El Farto's email? The question is, do I broach the topic? Is it possible it could have been me? Oh, that's an interesting question. Have you ever farted and not noticed?

No, I think it was him. It was clearly him. And I think... You know when you fart. Unless you forget. Sometimes my girlfriend's like, did you fart? I'm like, oh, maybe. But it happens so involuntarily that I don't remember. But like, I bet when you say maybe, then it probably

wasn't you. No, no, it probably was me. I fart all the time, but I know every time that I do. It's almost like, did you just yawn? It's like, oh, maybe I did just yawn, but I don't remember because it's so involuntary. You need to come back and live in the moment a little bit more here. Yeah, I'm always on the Twitters, the Instagrams. Farts

and yawns are coming and seeping out of me. Gas and liquid in every direction. I could attest to that working across from him. I think that the weirder thing here than farting in front of him, if you're not sure that it's you, the weirder thing is to bring it up days later. Yeah. So like if you're trying to save face, don't do it by broaching this topic.

And who knows when this question was even written. Indeed. Is there a date on that email? Yeah. August 30th, 2018. Oh, good God. Yeah. So it's a month's a full month later.

And they can still smell the fart. The rumble still roars. Echoes off the walls. Something's been eating away at me. So should I apologize? Should I point fingers? You say just let bygones be bygones. Well, at this point let it go, let it go.

Let it dissipate as the fart has done. That's beautiful. The Simpsons didn't really ever address farting. You'd think they would have at some point. Homer or Bart let one rip is a joke. I feel like Nancy has, who does the voice of Bart, you know, she does a great fart sound into her elbow. I used to get in trouble imitating Bart doing that.

Yeah, or like the armpit. So maybe as a prank. I can't remember if we've actually ever done anything where their fart was so lethal people were passing out and stuff. That's more of a Ren and Stimpy thing. I don't think so. That seems more family guy-like. Yeah, I wonder if that was ever like a writer's code. It's like, Homer doesn't need to fart. He's already dumb enough.

He's not like the kind of guy. Yeah. You know, it's funny to think that I'm almost Homer's age. How old is Homer? I grew up, I started funny to think that I'm almost Homer's age. How old is Homer? I grew up, I started, Simpson started like when I was Bart's age and now I'm roughly Homer's. Wait, Homer's 37, I believe. Homer's 37?

Yeah, that's probably about right. And I'm 35. Lisa's eight and every time she has a birthday, she turns eight and we just don't talk about that. Yeah, so in theory, she was seven right before that birth, that episode started. Yeah, just for that, well, just for a few minutes in that episode. Yeah. You see these Simpsons super fans.

People just assume that you are a Simpsons fan, but it's not necessarily the case, right? You're not necessarily a fan of the show just because you're on it, right? Do you watch The Simpsons? Do you like The Simpsons? Do you consider certain seasons better of The Simpsons? Or is it more of a job for you? No, it's definitely more of a job. I guess what I don't have is an encyclopedic knowledge of our show the way some fans do, which they find incredibly disappointing. Right, because they're watching it a lot. You're not necessarily watching old episodes. I don't watch it to the extent that they do. I don't, you know, like when we had, we've had a couple of Simpsons marathons.

I haven't watched the Simpsons marathons. And then are there episodes that you haven't seen since you recorded? Oh, yeah. Lots. Like Lisa at the Beach House. Do you remember that one? I love that one. The Summer of Four Foot Two.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fantastic. Grown up men like Gore Vidal. Yeah. And he's got more boys than I have. He's, they're, I mean, at least the Simpsons, I believe, is one of the best female characters ever created for any medium, to be honest. She was kind of feminist before it was cool. Yes. In the early 90s when people didn't necessarily fight for that yet. And sometimes feminism, even now, is a bad word, I think.

I think less so now, and certainly with the Me Too movement, there is some of the curse of being a feminist has come off as well. Yeah. But I think there was a misinterpretation about feminism. I think people felt like, oh, you burn your bra and you hate men. Right, that feminists are angry. Exactly. You just want to emasculate everybody who's not like you. And I don't think

true feminism is that. I don't think it fits that definition at all. Right. Marge burns a bra. She does? Yeah. It's like a flashback. She has long hair. She's like a hippie in the 70s. She burns a bra and it combusts instantly. Right.

It would, of course. All right, let's try to see if we can answer another question. This one is written from a man. Wait, no, another lady. Do you have another lady's name? Maybe a Simpsons character that didn't necessarily become as iconic as Lisa. Oh, Maude. Maude? Maude Flanders? Yeah.

Wow. Nice. You're good. You're good, Blumenfeld. You're too good. The Simpsons even made fun of the nerds where it's like at Comic Con, it's like the guy brings up a continuity error that the writers don't even know about. That feels like that was pulled directly from their life.

Oh, yeah. All right. Maude writes, Hey, guys. So occasionally, once or twice a year, I have lucid dreams of my ex's first love from many years ago. These dreams come randomly, even when I'm not thinking of him beforehand.

It's so annoying because I wake up emotionally disoriented, even though I'm waking up next to my current partner who I love with all my heart. This usually leads me to feeling that urge to social media stalk them a little. I know in my heart I do this because I'm simply curious about their life, and I have no desire to reach out or even be romantic again. What are your thoughts on social media stalking exes, or more importantly, specifically, your first love? Is there a healthy limit, maybe once a year? Is it subconsciously harming my current relationship?

Are first loves an exception to the rule? Am I a bad girlfriend? I often can't help but feel guilty occasionally doing it, even though I'm not lusting for them anymore. Thanks so much for your wisdom. Love, Maude. Maude. Well, see, first of all, I don't think dreams are literal at all i think that they're um more often than not metaphors and so one and i feel like we don't have we don't have

the whole story like how did you and your first ex break up right was it good breakup was it a bad breakup so if you're stalking your ex my my first thought is, what do you think you're missing? Or what do you think you missed? You don't think it can't just be pure curiosity? Yeah, but curiosity is about something I don't know. The publicist is just

dropping shit left and right over here. There was a funny moment where he dropped his phone, lifted it back up, went to put it on the table, missed and dropped it instantly again. We can edit that out, but I think we should leave this description in because it's really funny. Jake couldn't help but giggle in his face. Sorry, man. You should have done it again.

Butterfingers over there. Come on. If I did it twice, I would have just done it three, four, five times, started to throw people off the set. And then start kicking the table. Excuse yourself. Fall down the stairs. Tumble into the street. Homer style.

So back to the definition of curiosity is about you need to find something out that you think you don't know. Right. So do you ever social media stalk exes? No. Never? You're not curious at all as to what they're up to? No. Interesting. No.

That's good on you. What about you, Jacob? All the time. I don't know. Like, I guess this just speaks to a larger theme of our show where, like, this girl has had a dream about her ex and she feels wracked with guilt. And she's like, and I looked at his Instagram. Should I do that? Should I try to do that, like, less than once a year? Meanwhile, like, I am on my phone following into every thirst trap imaginable.

Every guy is looking at so much salacious shit on Instagram and on Facebook. Digging up garbage. Yeah. This is, this is fine. I think is she clearly has it in check. I think it only gets, it's only a problem if you,

if you like start to pine for the guy, right? Yardley? Yes. Well, but to your point where you said she's asking us how many times a year, that means she's already worried that the desire is stronger than her ability to control it. And that is really the crux of the issue. What is, what's at the root of, I can't let that go? What is, what is it often? Is it something, so is it more lust than she's letting herself on to be, or can it be something else? Could

there be curiosity? It's something unresolved, whether it's lust or you owe me an apology, or I owe you an apology, or I'm afraid you don't like me or whatever the myriad of reasons could be. That's why this guy is turning up in her dreams. That it wasn't like a complete breakup. There's something that needs closure. And why she didn't just call her best friend or even say to her current partner, go, I can't believe I dreamed about my ex. I don't even like that guy or or I never think about that guy, or that was so weird to me, and then it's over,

and we don't even get this email. Yeah. Or you, rather. Have you ever lucid dreamed, like woken up within the dream, the dream within the dream? I used to sleepwalk. What? Yeah.

That's scary. That shit scares the hell out of me. Well, it scared the hell out of my second husband, too. And I used to laugh in my sleep, which was very charming. I would laugh and talk. Laugh and talk? Yeah. My wife laughs in her sleep sometimes, and it creeps me the fuck out.

It creeps him out, too. Yes, of course, because that's how horror movies start. You're in bed alone, and then you hear like... That's what people do when they're about to stab you or something. Yes, exactly. Then you look over to your partner and his eyes are just closed or her eyes are just closed or like maybe a little bit open so you just see the whites of their eyes.

Is it a crack up? Is it a giggle? Is it a guffaw? Sometimes it was a giggle and sometimes it was a full on ha ha ha ha. Oh my god. You ever dream as Lisa? No. Of course.

I did spend a summer in France when I was 16, and I started to dream in French, which is apparently some measure of how fluent you're getting. I have a friend that's fluent, and I always ask him what language he's dreaming in. What does he say?

He dreams in Portuguese, Spanish, and Polish. Wow. And never English. This is Eddie, who we stayed with in Lisbon. Lisbon, yeah. Really? That's cool. That's fantastic.

I speak Hebrew, but I never dream in Hebrew. You never dream in Hebrew? I would never dream of it. Nice. What about when you dream of your parents? Don't they speak to you in Hebrew? Never, ever have those two cowards seeped into my subconscious because they control my every waking moment. I love my mommy and my daddy and they don't have to be in my dreams because they're in my life.

Holy shit. And do they speak to you in Hebrew? Oh, all the time. Oh. Problem is I don't understand a word they're saying in my dreams. No, no, no. I understand. I'm fluent

I'm just being silly Thank you so much for coming by It's been 45 minutes It's just flown by talking to you Gleaning your wisdom from you And then throwing back Simpsons questions in your face Don't worry about the wisdom We do think you're wise

We don't normally have wise people on this show It's usually just us Or maybe an occasional dumbass friend. So say the name of your podcast again. Small Town Dicks. Small Town Dicks, season three. Is up, is just, has just launched now. We have two other seasons, which is a total of about 29 episodes.

Yep. To listen to, and you can get it everywhere you love to listen. iTunes, Spotify, Google Play. That's the beauty of podcasts, right? What? you don't have to go to a specific place anybody can consume it on their own time and their own schedule in their own special way do you listen to podcasts are you a true crime podcast is that how this started because you're like oh i love true crime i love true crime because um i i was i've been thinking about this a lot because people have asked me, and I realize every crime is a breach of trust. So when you lock your house at night, you feel like,

well, nobody's going to break into my house, and then they do. Or if somebody that you know or you don't know, but who you assume isn't going to harm you, harms you, that's an enormous breach of trust. And society can't function without some level of trust. And so I'm fascinated. I was a really good kid. I followed all the rules. So I'm fascinated and really don't understand how you get to the point where you are willing to implement this massive breach of trust, either with somebody that you know or somebody that you don't, that would change your life immeasurably for the worse forever.

Oh, my gosh. I don't understand it. I'm going to subscribe to your show now. Your show is actually really good. And if I thought it was silly, I'd say it's silly. But it's really very beautifully done. I'd like me some True Crime. I'm going to check it out. It's so exciting. Well, it's really very beautifully done. I like me some true crime. Let me check it out. So exciting. Well, thank you for coming by.

Thanks for having me. Of course, anytime. Come on back whenever. Next week, this week, the following week, whatever. I'm gonna come. If you have your own question, Yardley, or anybody listening at home, you can send it to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Send those opening and closing theme songs as well.

This closing one is written by Anderson Reagan so thank you to the gentleman who wrote the opening theme song thank you to Anderson he wasn't on the Simpsons so I don't even think about him we'll call him Armin Tenzerian which was Principal Skinner's real name

of course we'll see you next week, everybody. Oh, my God. I'm serious. This isn't getting me. You're lying to me on the line. You're getting me. That's not getting me. Embarrassing me in front of people. What do you mean? Get me.

What do you mean? Get me. This isn't getting me. That's not getting me. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today.

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