Segments - 351: Flaming Sock

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

In this episode we discuss crying, glasses, meeting Michael Chiklis, and Lonely and Horny Season 2, coming soon to CollegeHumor's DropOut!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Whoa, rock and roll. Yeah, baby. That is an early Beatles rendition of the original theme song that we had. Or is it the Stoney theme song that he made? Yeah. Or is it the one that you did on a guitar? I think mine was just, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now. Yeah.

So I don't think that was me, right? This one, if I were, it seems. Oh, yeah, that's Stoney. That's the Stoney one. All right. So that's an early Beatles rendition of that theme song written by Rajat. Rajat. R-A-G.

Sorry. R-A-J. Sorry. R-E-F-F. Nope. Not a letter. F-I-R-I-4. And then a smiley face.

That's his name? 9.mp3 is his name. You forgot how to read. Sorry. Rajat. R-A-J-A-T. Thanks, Rajat. And-A-J-A-T. Thanks, Rajat. And thanks to you guys for listening.

This is episode 351 of our podcast. 351 divided into roughly 50 a year. We've been doing this show for seven years, six years now? No. Are you? I guess there's bonus episodes sprinkled throughout. But we've definitely passed our five year anniversary. We're like at five and a half years. Yeah, that's crazy. I guess, for whatever reason, five years feels normal. And then saying that we've

been doing it for six feels like a lot. Yeah. I don't know why. Because we are counting down the days until we no longer are going to do this podcast, which will be the six-year anniversary show. Wow. Our last show ever. That's news to me. Yeah. I didn't realize. I don't even want to do it anymore.

That was the plan. It was exciting to say, and now that I did it, I'm afraid that I don't want to do it anymore. That you don't want to not do the show anymore? You don't want to end the podcast. Yeah. So you do want to have the podcast. I want to have it and I'm kind of freaking out because I put it out in the universe.

And now I think like a tragedy will strike or befall one of us. It's sort of like when a couple jokes about breaking up and then someone starts crying. It's like, yeah, we should break up, huh? He really thinks so. I haven't cried like out of rage of rage in, like, a week. That's. Like, I have never been so pissed that I, like, punched a wall and cried and was, like, sort of scream crying in, like, probably a week. That's pretty recent.

I've never, like, yelled. That's a huge. at someone at the top of my lungs and was crying and like sobbing, like uncontrollable, drooling, crying, punching, screaming, yelling, rain on me, like getting stronger and sadder and angrier. My hoarse voice, growing coarse noises in a week. Why? So just out of curiosity, before last week, when you seemingly had one of the biggest breakdowns of your life, what was the last time you scream cried before that? So if last one... I'm trying to deduce if you had one big episode. Right. No, I get that. a few days before that was like the kind of cry where you were like scream crying but also like

bleeding a little bit right bleeding like someone cut you or that blood was coming out of your nose or ears tears yeah blood drool yes not oh a lot of snot just like spitting by all of it yeah like coming out of me at the same time like ripping out chunks of your hair. Yeah, like burning in my throat. No tears left just saying, why, why? And then before that, which sounds like a week and a half ago, when was the last time you did that? Before that was my big breakdown, like three hours before that.

So that was like when it really went wrong for me. Frankly, I'm surprised you're not hospitalized. Yeah, that was when I was like, the screaming, the crying, the screaming the crying the snot the bleeding the burning if i could ask what like what prompted that was it like a bad breakup no it wasn't i don't even remember like it was such a gross overreaction i probably like stubbed my toe or something jesus yeah it is a gross overreaction but that was like sad to share this stuff we have like a large audience. Yeah, and they hear that.

And they hear that. And they like it. And they think that they don't like it. They think that I'm smart. They think you're a small petty. No. What makes you smart about crying? Crying louder than you've ever cried because you stubbed your toe.

What about that is smart? You could maybe say that people think you're passionate. Yeah, passionate or intelligent. But that's smart. Not intelligent. Like you hear someone talk about Barack Obama and he's like, he's so passionate, he's so intelligent, he's so powerful. And it's probably because he does shit like I do, which is like... He never, ever...

The mucus. No, he doesn't do a mucus cry. And the bile. That's... No, that's not Barack Obama. And like... Like how would you describe... Don't try to draw a comparison

between you and Obama at all. In a way. In a way. In a way. I'm not, sorry to cut you off. Like in a way. I feel like you're doing it on purpose

because I'm saying things you don't want to hear. I'm the Martin Luther King or whatever. Oh my God. Obviously not as important as. You should not have cut me off to compare yourself to Martin Luther King.

No, not to compare myself to, but like someone that he would have... Like I would be someone that he would have looked up to is what I'm saying. So you're not even comparing yourself to him. I am equal to or greater than. That's what you're saying.

Yeah, than like this sort of mythical hero. You are a microscopic, petty little inchworm. Okay. That's what you are. Okay. You're a spineless amoeba. You're a cancer. You're a drain.

I'm actually a Capricorn. No, but I am angry and alone often. And here comes the crying. And here comes the screaming. I... And that was the second time that happened today. Right. All right.

Let's try to answer some questions because people are seeking not only our wisdom, but our guidance. And rightfully so. Nice. This one's about edamame. No, actually, this one's about edamame no actually this one's about glasses so i feel a little bit um very experienced in this field that i can provide my wisdom yeah uh hi jake and amir writes we'll call this guy warby s parker great hi jake and amir i've started to wear my glasses

more in public i also see youtube videos talking about how glasses can make you look better. And I want to look my best. The problem is, my brother wears glasses too. And I feel like if I wear them, I will look like him. My brother isn't the best looking guy. And when I wear glasses, all I see is his ugly face on my body. What can I do to get over this and feel normal about wearing glasses in public? Well.

That's a tough one. He doesn't want to look like his fucking ugly brother. Uggo ass brother. Unfortunately, you do. Right? He's a twin,

but he doesn't wear the glasses. He's an identical twin, but my brother is ugly. Yeah. What do you think? Are you looking up different glasses styles or something?

Yeah. I mean, you don't have to. Yeah, that's like first and foremost. Try a different style of glasses, right? Yes. Yeah, different style of glasses. That's correct. Or, yeah, you know what's coming back into fashion now?

Yeah. My first pair of glasses. Which is what, like a wireframe? Wireframe large. Like the kind that I wore in literally fourth grade that I've slowly transitioned away from is now becoming hip and cool again. Would you, those are cool.

I like the way those look. But I think, I guess for, at least for me, I don't think they work on my face. And I feel like to wear wireframe glasses, you have to actually need the glasses. Because I feel like they're utilitarian and they're stylish. That's right. You see better out of them.

Yeah. Because they limit the peripheral. You're talking about big glasses. Yeah. Yeah. The bigger the glasses, the more easy it is to look around up, down, left, right. I mean, so I guess if I still needed glasses, if I didn't have my LASIK.

Perfect LASIK vision. Better than perfect. Would you wear like the Robin Williams in one hour photo, like huge wireframe, kind of like 70s pervert style? I do love that look. Like that with your mustache? My style icon is a 70s pervert.

Yeah, sort of like a slender little sweaty pervert man. And he'll wear tight jeans and a baggy shirt. Serial killer with a station wagon. That's what I want to be dressed as. Yeah, and the car that you drive would be from like the late 70s. Yeah, it's like a wood-paneled station wagon. That's right. That's your sort.

I look like I have it all together, but there's many bodies buried in the yard. That's your brand of sorts. I'm slowly breaking. I'm losing it. That's your style. Yeah. But I think my face is too thin. Excuse me?

I have a thin face. And I don't mean from ear to ear. I mean the thickness of my skin. So I can't really do the big glasses. You want, but then what's the alternative? Thin little rectangles? I need like medium-sized glasses. So let's say if your brother's rocking plastic big boys,

then you could do the opposite wireframe. If he's doing the wireframe, you can do that. Or you can do the two panel, like the 50s NASA style, where it's like thick on top, wireframe on the bottom, or even open on the bottom. That's cool. There's options. You try some, you try the other. If you really don't want to look like your brother, which seems kind of mean because he's related to you and you're calling him Ugo, but the only thing that prevents you from looking exactly like him is glasses, which doesn't bode too well for you,

then just choose a different pair of glasses. Or convince him to get LASIK. And then you're the brother with glasses. That's right. You do the full transition. What if he then becomes hot brother and everyone is like, your brother is hot and has better eyes than you? I love that.

And then, does anybody in your family have glasses? No. My parents have glasses? No. My parents have, like, reading glasses. All right, sweet. So everyone else has perfect vision? Yeah. Contacts? No.

Six kids, perfect vision, nary a pair of glasses? My parents also. I mean, now they use, like, reading glasses, but they have perfect vision, too. So what's your genetic... Function? Yeah, like, where are you guys coming up short i think oh well i mean i had i needed glasses actually so that it wasn't six for six yeah but that's like a slight prescription i'm talking like i'm talking real fucked up like give me a fucking disease that's in the family that I can needle and point to, that I can really rub in. Something like a Tay-Sachs or like a genetic mutation

that I can really fucking hone in on. I wish I had something for you, but us Hurwitz-born are genetically perfect. We're all white Jewish LeBron Jameses of ourselves. We're all 6'8", 260. Yeah, we got our 23andMe, and there's not any disease variable things. Really?

Yeah. What about you? I saw... Yeah, all of the above for me. Yeah. I saw you were legally blind and had lupus based on your 23andMe. Jaundice was just the start of the story.

Yeah, jaundice, rosacea. Yeah, echinacea, which I thought was an herb, but I guess a disease. I spent the first and last year of my life in an incubator. Sleeping upside down in a cryogenic chamber. Trying to drain the diseases out of your nose from your feet. That's right. That's where a lot of the bile and stuff comes out of. So I'll do the cryotherapy and I'll cry during it,

if that makes sense. Yeah, that does. Yeah. Are you still thinking about getting LASIK? Yeah, I'm considering it. I'm thinking about it. And I said that maybe on my birthday, I'll get LASIK as a gift to myself.

Oh, I love that. But we have till January. Cool. All right, let's answer another quest. A quest, love. Oh, this is a good one. This one is written by a man, and it's about a sock. So we'll call him MeUndie because they sell socks.

They do. Recently, I've been back at my hometown visiting. While here, I've been partaking in some Tinder fun. Well, lo and behold, I match with this gal, and we hit it off. Numbers are exchanged. We text for a week and arrange a date. We go out, get drinks,

and it seems to be going great. We are both having fun. She invites me back to her place. We kiss. We bang. We sleep. I get up early in the morning, and I can't find a sock. It's cool.

I power on without the sock. I say goodbye and begin my walk of shame. I text later the day to see what's up and she replies that she had a great time but doesn't see it going any further. That's fine. I'm leaving soon. I didn't want anything. I reply that it's cool and we don't talk again. So here's where the weird part happens. Two days later, I'm leaving soon. I didn't want anything. I reply that it's cool and we don't talk again. So, here's where the weird part happens. Two days later, I'm going through her Instagram story when I come to hers and she's lighting my sock on fire. What? There's like two of her lighting it. I went to show a friend later and she had deleted it.

Why would she do this? What the fuck do I do? It's not like I'm attached to this sock and i wasn't planning on getting it back either i just don't know how to feel about this a friend suggested i text her and say it's my only sock and i need to pick it up so why would you do this what would you do if you were me i just really want to know what to think please help love jack sock jack sock he says that it was great he says that he looked at it two days later i'm assuming maybe it was one day later because he saw it and then it expired and i think instagram stories expire after 24 hours right if that's what yeah that's what he meant oh so let's say this story is real. What the hell would you do with that information? Would you call somebody out on it or would you say bye forever?

Yeah. I think if I – it's too late now. I would have done it right in the moment. If I was looking at her Instagram story and she was burning my sock, I would have slid into her DMs in a funny way. LOL. Did you burn my sock? Just like three different emojis, like three emojis of like the horrified face or something.

Because you would be horrified. Yeah. I guess like it sort of makes sense that somebody would want to just get rid of the sock. Burning it feels really weird. Yeah, intense. Like it was some sort of effigy or something. Yeah.

But she said it was fun. I just don't see it going anywhere. I guess you might want to make sure that she doesn't hate you for any reason. How about this for a text? You send her a little message that says, hey, have you ever been to Burning Man? And she'll say no. And then you say, what about burning sock? That's right. I saw everything. The sock burning. You little pyromaniac.

I love that shit. Why don't I come over with the remaining garb and we just go ham on it together? Do you want to burn my other sock? Let's fucking chew it down Lady and the Tramp style. I do think he should burn his other sock. That's kind of nice that they would both be cremated. Oh, that's right. So you,

what if you have the sock, you burn the sock and send her a video. That's like, is this interesting to you? Do you like the burning socks? Because I have a weird hunch that you do. Could look through her Instagram and see if there's other fire-related stuff. Maybe she just likes to burn stuff.

Yeah, that's such a weird, specific fetish, I say. Did you ever have, like, a pyromaniac friend when you were growing up? I had friends that liked burning shit. Yeah, I did not. They were, like, the same friends that did drugs and stuff, so I never hung out with those cool people. My friends the the only thing we would light on fire is like the bible oh i mean that's pretty serious really yeah we once fucking took a blowtorch to an entire fucking school jesus christ that's arson yeah but like

aside from that we weren't like the cool kids. We were like the deranged weirdos that fucking burned people. It sounds, I mean that's like you're a terrorist. Yeah. And like I'll sometimes wake up from that fucking nightmare and I can't escape the

smile of the images. So that's what the scream crying is about. Yeah. It's not the time. It that's what the scream crying is about. Yeah. The screaming, the crying. It's not the toe. It's your fucked up childhood. I guess for whatever fucking reason it's starting to surface or some shit. This isn't funny. This isn't silly. Why are you laughing? There it is.

That's the cry. Good man. Get it out there. I can't believe this hasn't come up in the first 350 episodes. This is what 351 is all about. It's about like, let's dig a little deeper. Let's get this shit out there in the open. In the ether.

You are an aggrieved teenage pyromaniac terrorist who compares yourself favorably to Martin Luther King. Well, when you say it like that, it's like a weird little soundbite. I'm glad you at least hear that. And that's like eye-opening to me. All right, good. Like now I'm fucking willing to change over it because of the way you put it succinctly. Thank you.

Like the way I dealt with it, I didn't need to hear that. And now I want to like fucking better myself great i want to like figure like get to the root of the issue and solve it and lead a a happier or different life for that therapy shouldn't be this easy i think you're super dumb i think i'm super fine Well you didn't get there You're not totally cured You recognize the problem Don't scream cry

I'm starting to see the flames in my eyes Alright yeah There's a lot of work to be done What would you do if you were him You would address it or let it go I would have already addressed it I would have like DM'd immediately But now that it's over,

I probably would not do anything. But just out of curiosity, you're never going to see this person again. Maybe put yourself a calendar invite for two months from now and then reach out then. Hey, sorry. This has been sort of chewing on me for a little bit.

Did you burn my sock? Why did you burn my sock? She'll never realize. I don't think that she's gonna tell you the truth. I want closure. She'll just be like, oh, I didn't even realize that was your sock. I was just being silly. Oh, really? And now you're the weirdo that texted her.

And now you're the weird one. I think that what she did was weird, but you waiting two months and asking about it, that just brings you to that level. You think that's weirder than burning a sock? Waiting two months and then asking somebody why they did it. Like, not letting go of the fact that, yes. Well, I don't know if it's actually weirder, but it can be perceived and spun that way for sure.

Because I'm the guy that, like, burned the sock, but you're the weirdo that was hung up on it for two full months and then resurfaced this strange issue. And I could always just be like, oh, I just thought it was funny. I can't believe it's been eating away at you all autumn. Well, I guess I'm the weirdo then because I want to know why you burnt a sock. And I'm sorry for putting myself at a two-month grace period to try to crack the case myself. But I guess I never got to the bottom of it. I'm a real fucking amateur gumshoe. And now you have confirmed that you are the weirdo because you're an amateur gumshoe. I'll eat a shoe. And I need a sock. Very nice. Let's

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It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than I thought. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I sort of do. I've got a little thing that I've been enjoying lately. Is it the painting of the dungeons and the dragons? Well, it

was not, but I've also been doing that. Oh, you were planning on talking about something else. I was planning on talking about something cool. Sports. But I will say that I painted I got my D&D painting kit

miniature thing in the mail. Painting kit? Yeah. It came with like 10 colors. You can mix them to make more, obviously. Is it a specific D&D painting kit? Yeah, there's a bunch of different ones out there, but mine was like, I believe it's called Bones. So it's like these sort of like rubbery plastic miniatures. They're all unpainted.

It came with three so you could like kind of learn. And I painted the first guy. Yeah. He was a pirate. A greedy little pirate with a big treasure chest. All right. And also there was a wizard or like a, oh, yeah, an elf ranger. And then I believe the other one was a little wizard and you already said

yeah so all right there's so there's three there's the ranger the wizard and the pirate but then i also had my um my low-grade plastic hard one surefoot right so i painted the pirate felt like i had a good enough handle on on shit and this is in your garage um no this was so i cleaned the garage yeah got it ready to paint i got it ready but there i don't i still don't have like a good table down there so i painted in the uh i painted in my house in the Okay. And Jill was mortified. It was as if she walked in on you cheating on her. Our house is like pristine. We're both kind of neat freaks. And I'm definitely like a minimalist.

A like a minimalist. I don't like stuff. Everything serves a purpose. It's all nice and curated. And like we've got nice little planters, you know, a bud vase, some decorative trays maybe. And then I have a D&D miniature kit. Just like, Jill is just like, why is this in our house? This can't...

We had somebody coming over and she made me put it in the laundry room. Anyway, so I painted the... Are you embarrassed of me? I painted the pirate and it came out pretty good. So I got the confidence to paint hard one. But the plastic on hard one is just... It was a little less... it was a little less, it was a little less like,

there was less absorption of it. So hard one looked a little bit streakier. I'm not done. I've got to do a second coat and like get in some details. But he didn't come out as well as I wanted. I'll show you, I think I have a picture. Do you want to see it?

Have you Instagram storied it? I Instagram storied, I think I wanted. I'll show you. I think I have a picture. Do you want to see it? Have you Instagram storied it? I Instagram storied. I think I did. But I don't know if I Instagram storied the actual painting, the painted one. I think I Instagram storied

the unpainted miniature. Maybe on Monday when this podcast comes out, Monday, October 8th, you can. Oh, I'll post it. Yeah, because I'm going to paint a little bit more this weekend.

Okay. I will post. Oh, yeah, here's... I could Instagram story these two. This is hard one sure foot in the pirate. This was before the pirate was finished, though. Whoa, they're kissing. Knock it off.

So the pirate is this bare-chested bald man with an open denim vest. Your paint job makes him look like he was burned alive. He's holding, what? He does not. And then right next to him is hard one. Sure foot, sure as can be wearing,

it looks like ski boots. He has a man bun and a braided beard. Would you say that's accurate? It's a dwarven braid, but yes. He has tattoos, unless that's just the cape paint spilling on his arms. It's his shoulder pads. Got it.

But there's like black marks on his forearms. Oh, that was a slip of the... I told you it's not done, dude. Give me my phone back, you little prick. I'm going to go over again with the flesh color on the arm. And is the axe painted silver or is that the standard color of the miniature? The miniature is white. So the axe is painted silver.

That's a dwarven-grade axe because he's a human raised by dwarves in a dwarfenage, just so you know. Sorry, one second. I'm describing the picture. The disc that he stands on is like this plastic quarter of sorts. Yeah, that's the base. Do you paint that? Yeah, I'm going to paint that

just like black or gray, color of dirt on the ground. Yeah, that's the ground that he stands on. And again, this is just to have while you play the game, you just sort of hold him and you look at him and you say like,

oh, I like hard one and I like to touch him with my fingers and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And the dragon? Oh, I see why you thought these were tattoos. Yeah, no, that is just the brush.

And the dragon? I also bought a dragon, but the dragon I bought was painted. Yeah. It looked like it was home painted, so we were trying to guess. It was painted by somebody. I thought I was buying a blank dragon,

to be totally honest. Yeah. I'm glad that it came painted. Having had. I don't think I'm ready. I don't even think I want to paint something that big. I like painting the mini minis. Got it.

It's more fun. Well, thanks for taking us on this mini adventure. What were you going to talk about when I said unsolicited advice? Oh, watching Hard Knocks. Oh, yeah. I think it's especially good if you have a partner that you live with or a friend that you live with that you like want to watch. Like if you want to watch football and they don't care. Yeah.

Hard Knocks is really great about putting emotional stakes into sports, which are there for most sport fans anyway. Right. Like you don't like basketball just because you like watching the numbers go up and people make shots. You like that, but it's more meaningful because you know that this guy was drafted in a really late round and nobody thought he was going to be good. But now he's proving himself. Right. The emotional stakes of the adventure, the story that's being told. So when those things are happening, it makes people even that think they don't like sports actually like sports because when you're like, oh, this is a rookie QB who was a walk-on at college who's now leading the worst team in the NFL to maybe their hopefully first winning record in years. Right.

Now it's like, oh, I get to root for him because I'm rooting for a person, not just a player. Exactly. So Hard Knocks really helps you do that because it just introduces the entire team of the Cleveland Browns. And they're all just really great, likable people. Did you watch, this is going to sound a little dated because we're recording in between the Browns game against the Raiders and the Browns game against the Ravens, but did you watch the Browns Raiders game? I did, yeah. Up until, I didn't get to watch it over time because I had to record the D&D podcast, though. I was like, we know where your allegiances lie. Yeah, this is my, the miniatures and the fucking, and the Browns.

You prefer fantasy role-playing to fantasy football. But what an epic, devastating loss. I guess that's just part of the adventure, right? Yeah. I mean, that's a loss that Baker's going to live with the rest of his life. The next game is his home opener, like starting his first game in Cleveland, so people are optimistic. That's awesome.

But I mean, he did everything he needed to do. I guess he threw a pick six. Yeah, and he also threw that interception at the end of the fourth quarter when they were marching down the field to get a game-winning field goal. Oh, I don't think I did see that. Yeah, he threw the ball away. But live and learn, I guess. Right.

Defense has to do something, too. We should also mention Dropout because Lonely and Horny Season 2, the trailer is out. Season 1 of Lonely and Horny is on CollegeHumor's new platform called Dropout You can watch it In its entirety on Dropout.tv And anybody that Bought it on Vimeo can always watch it

On Vimeo but if you didn't want to spend The 15 bucks Yeah Dropout is like 3, 4, 5 bucks Depending on how long you get it for There's even a free trial That's right for a week it's free So you can actually watch Lonely and Horny for free right now you get it for. There's even a free trial. That's right. For a week, it's free. So you can actually watch Lonely and Horny 4 free right now.

And then Lonely and Horny Season 2 debuts in November on Dropout. So they're going to release it slowly over the course of the calendar year. And Lonely and Horny is one of its first shows. So Season 1 is on now and Season 2 is coming in November.

And I think we have a link so they know we sent you. That's right. Um, cause the more people that watch season one, the better chance is that we'll have a season three. Holy shit. So let them know that you like it and that you want more. I'll tweet the link so that if you sign up, sign up with the link that I'm going to tweet at the time

of releasing this podcast. And if you're on my Instagram creeping my miniatures, then you should also see that the link in my bio there is a link to sign up. Yeah, you'll put, actually, how about instead of the little paint that's spilling, you can put the URL on Hard1's arm. It's going to be very, very hard to do. These guys are like the size of half your thumb yeah actually i guess it's about thumbs all right let's get i can do it i'm a master painter oh we should tell the story about how we met michael chiklis yeah we should tell

that story that was a big fucking deal um that was a highlight of a lifetime, I think. So a little backstory is we made a video maybe five, six years ago called Reddit, in which I- Probably longer than that even. Yeah, somewhere in that range where I say that if people upvote something that I posted on Reddit, that I'll go dickless for Michael Chiklis. And was there any reason behind that? I think it was just a way of sacrificing myself in a funny rhyme. Right. So it's like, not only will I slam my nuts in the door, but I'll cut my dick off for

Michael Chiklis. Yeah. Was it all, it was about putting your nuts in the door? I think it was like, do this and I'll- Wasn't that a Facebook group one time? Yeah, I guess so. It was like, a hundred people join this group Wasn't that a Facebook group one time? It was like, 100 people join this group, I'll slam my nuts in the door.

And then like, you did slam your nuts in the door when only a few people had joined. So it's a long- Theme. It's a running theme of me mutilating. Yeah. So in this episode, I threatened to go dickless for chickless. And I guess that-

Or promise to. Yeah, promise to or threaten to, whatever my character thinks is good on the day. And it got back to him, I guess that... Or promised to. Yeah, promised to or threatened to. Whatever my character thinks is good on the day. And it got back to him, I guess, because people were tweeting at him, hey, I want to go dickless for chickless. And at one point he retweeted. He's like, I don't know what going dickless for chickless is, but... Don't do it.

Don't do it. So we were vaguely aware that he was aware. We made a second Reddit part two where you offer again to go dickless for Michael Chiklis. I think at one point you say, I will lose my dick for Michael Chik. Right. So we hammer it home

because it's funny when things rhyme to us. And then we're at some event slash party this weekend. And I'm seeing like certain celebrities here and there,

but I don't actually think that Michael Chiklis will be there. Right. And I was getting, I believe I was getting both of us a drink. Yeah. And when I turn around, I just see Vic Mackey.

From The Shield. From The Shield. Michael Chiklis. I mean, anybody that has seen him act knows what he can do with his face. Like that look, basically when Vic Mackey used to take off his sunglasses and just stare at you. That's what he was doing. He was staring me down.

Chef puffed out, standing like a foot from you. Unbroken eye contact. Angry stare. That's right. And my first thought is like, oh shit, Amir's in trouble. And my second thought is, I'm going to let him get his ass kicked because that's Michael Chickless. Wait, so you thought I was in trouble before you realized it was Michael Chickless?

Yeah. I was like, what's going on? Because there was sort of like a few of our friends staring at what was happening. Yeah. So I was like, shit, something's up. And then I was like, oh no. Yeah. And then I was, yeah, but I was, part of me was like he's he's not gonna actually punch you

right question mark so i turn around and i see michael chickless and it's a very jarring thing because i didn't expect him to be there so it's not like my brain was on alert so like it was basically like turn around see michael chickless in front of you and then i'm like why wait who oh oh wait what oh shit like my brain's like, that's Michael Chiklis. Remember he did a video about him and he might, he's looking at you angrily. Crazy enough to see a celebrity, weirder to see a celebrity that also looks like they're going to spear tackle you. Yeah.

And then slowly realize why. So my brain was like- That you had done something to fucking troll them. My brain like put it all together like in three seconds faster than a normal thought, because I had to like pull from different parts of my history with him. And then, so right away I'm like, I'm sorry.

I was like, I'm sorry. Thank you. Uh, so basically like I was like, I was summarizing an apology, but I had to write it on the spot. So I was like,

so the first thing I said was, I'm sorry. I appreciate it. This is awesome. Thank you for letting us do that. I really am sorry though. And then I was like, I didn't even write it. And then while I'm like stammering and stuttering. You said you didn't write it?

Yeah. He's still staring at me. And then he goes, don't cut your dick off for me. And I was like, it was just just a joke but thank you so much for like being a cool part of it and like you know like taking it in stride and then he like finally broke he's like i'm just fucking with you guys that's really and it was like this nice group not i don't know if there was a group hug but that was the sentiment that was yeah yeah it was like definitely shook our hands and smiled and laughed and was good natured about us saying that we were going to castrate ourselves for him.

And then his wife was like, oh, that's the dickless for chickless guys. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I am. That is what I am at the end of the day, the dickless for chickless guys. I'll take it. And he was so nice about it and so grateful. And we took photos where we pretended to be dickless for him. And I posted it.

And that was his fucking idea. We're like, let's take a photo together. And he was like, should we go dickless? Yeah. I think at one point he joked about me taking my dick out. So we took this photo or posing where, like, my hands are covered over my penis as if I had gone dickless for him at that moment.

Put it on Instagram. He liked it. He, like, retweeted it on Twitter. Very nice, very friendly. Staying in character the whole time. Great dude. And you told him how much I liked The Shield, which was great because I wanted to fanboy about it. But I didn't want to be like, I'm a huge fan.

Yeah. And when you told him, he was nice and warm about it. And then I just gushed about The Shield, which is a fucking great show. That's going to be another piece of unsolicited advice. Watch Hard Knocks. Watch The Shield. Watch Lonely and Horny on Dropout.

And then when you're done, paint a fucking pirate or something. I can't believe you said my guy looked like he was burned alive. I don't fucking see that.

Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's like the plastic he was molded in. Oh, no. I see. Yeah. He's sort of like, he looks a little melted.

It's the plastic. Yeah. It's definitely the plastic. And also, it was a little streaky uh all right female character who's writing this female question in do you have a female name anybody from the shield that you know that you remember claudette claudette yeah she played who on the show or that was the character she's a detective got it so claudette writes hey guys been a huge fan since day one love the podcast and your college humor stuff here's my question i go to an arts

high school and i'm studying theater i'm going through my junior year and one of the big things you do junior year is comedy routines basically for the first part of the assignment you go in a room with a camera and you just have to be funny for minutes. And then they show the video in the theater. And if you don't get enough laughs, you fail. The second part of the assignment is a few weeks later and everyone, including the teachers and the students, goes to the theater and you have to go on stage and basically do standup. Again, if you don't get enough laughs, you fail. I consider myself to be pretty funny. My sense of humor is very college humoring. People almost always laugh at my jokes. However, when it comes to having to plan out my humor, my brain is completely blank.

I have no idea what to do. The only idea I can think of is for the video, and the idea is that I'll eat a raw fish. Just sit there and eat a raw fish and nothing but my hands and mouth and keep a straight face. But everyone says this won't be funny. I'm completely out of ideas. And since you guys are hilarious comedy writers, I figure you could have some comedy advice for me or maybe some ideas. Please, please help.

I do not want to fail. Is eating a fish funny? What is funny? Thank you, fine ladies, so much. Wow. What a nerve-wracking class assignment. That's insane. You just have to be funny for a bunch of minutes or if you don't, and if nobody laughs, then you fail. I feel like the pressure is so real there that it's like not even like it's, it's hard even

if you do something that's actually funny. Right. And you realize how hard it is to do standup for the first time. And then like, that's what you're being graded on, basically. It's a bad class. But at really high stakes, I kind of would like to at least be part of that class, watch it from afar. Yeah. So the video idea— Maybe you could teach a class at USC or something. Yeah, where it's like, make me laugh. You think you're funny?

Make me laugh. We probably wouldn't be able to make enough money to make it worth our time, but it'd be interesting if you and I just did a semester at USC film school. Sorry, you mean studying or teaching? Me and you teach. Got it. We teach a weird little internet comedy class. And we're professors for that, I guess. We'd have to be.

Do you think a video of her eating a raw fish would get laughs? It's definitely high risk, but maybe high reward. I feel like her doing it live would get more reaction and laughs like that's that's something you should do for say for your stand-up because that's kind of like guttural and crazy and you could like play with people's reactions yeah but just a video of you eating a raw fish i feel like people it could i don't know it's so like maybe it needs like a button at the end. Like you finish, you consume this whole fish and then you say something silly like, that's

what I call sushi, baby, or something like that. Teach a man to fish. That's good. I think you could use this premise, especially if people are already talking about it, that you're going to eat a fish. Okay. especially if people are already talking about it you're gonna eat a fish okay um and then use some like trick editing to make it seem like you did or like use that as the leaping off point and you like so you have the raw fish you like show yourself cutting into it and then you like

raise the fork out of frame and then it's like a new shot and you were you take a bite of something else you know got it so raw fish special effect turns into a different food right lift a hot dog into the frame that's funny that's now that's comedy and as for the live comedy portion you steal somebody else's act and do their stand-up verbatim that's well i think the live portion is when you really do eat the fish oh okay so the live portion you when you really do eat the fish. The live portion, you're eating the fish. Because this is a runner at this point. This is a theme.

They're expecting it because they've already seen the video. So in the video they're like, oh she's cheating. She's not really eating a fish. And now for my final act, I will actually eat the fish. What's the difference between sushi grade food and non-sushi grade? Can I buy a raw salmon at a grocery store needed or does it have to be sashimi grade salmon to eat the entire fish raw i'm not sure i feel like i feel like you could probably eat raw salmon that you got from the grocery store and like your risk of getting sick

just like goes up a little more or something or Or maybe it tastes bad. I don't know. Or here's, okay, here's another option. You convince another friend who's going right before you to eat raw fish, right? And then when it's time for your turn, you come out with like a nice cooked plate of salmon or tuna. So then you're eating like the nice cooked version. And it's like, oh, she should have done this. This makes more sense.

This is funnier. This is tastier. Right. But it's not really funnier. Oh, sorry. What's funnier than eating a raw fish is eating a cooked fish. I was starting to think of a culinary class.

You could just put the raw fish on a plate, but it's a hot plate. That's funny. And then you're cooking the fish. I think none of this is funny. And we're professionals. We can't crack the fish. I think none of this is funny. And we're professionals. We can't crack the case. I would fail this class.

I did fail this class. I tried to do stand-up once in college. That's right, at the Battle of the Bands. Yeah, and I was older than this high schooler was at the time, and I considered myself funny. What were your jokes? I said, so it was like a battle of the bands so i opened with my impression of a deaf musician i said who hears from out of town and then people clapped like no i can't hear you here's from out of town and then more people clap like no i'm serious i

can't hear you and deafening silence of course i was making fun of the handicap then i talked about how deafening silence about a deaf person yeah and Then I talked about how... Deafening silence about a deaf person. Yeah. And then I talked about how there's so many people handing stuff out on campus like coupons or newsletters or magazines that whenever I'm walking through school,

I feel like I'm returning a punt. That one also fell on deaf ears. Talked about driving from la to san francisco and i was like it's a six hour drive but the way i do it it's 604 that's not bad yeah that's been like a tweet of yours yeah they're all tweets before twitter but nobody there wanted to hear any of them they were were all mad at me. I would have failed the class. So I guess the larger macro lesson here is don't put too much stake in this class. Funny people can fail at comedy. That's true. And maybe just the one piece of advice I actually have is to try to craft a bunch of different

one-liners. That way there will be some laughs. Although it isn't physical. But if you, like, if you stick to a full video of a fish, then like, if people don't think

that's funny, you lose them for the whole thing. But if you're like, here's a joke about returning a punt, here's a joke about a deaf musician,

here's a joke about a drive, like a long drive, they're not all gonna be winners, but like, if people laugh at least at like,

a couple of them, maybe they don't fail. I got a good one. I got a good theory. They're not all going to be winners, but like if people laugh at least at like a couple of them, I got a good one. I got a good one. I got a good theory and I want this person to actually use it. You come out like you're going to perform standup,

one-liners, but you have a big chocolate cake in front of you and you say, whenever a joke does well, I'm not going to stuff my face into the cake. And when a joke does poorly,

I'll slam my face into the cake. So you come joke does poorly, I'll slam my face into the cake. So you come out, you tell a one-liner, whatever. Why do they call it New Jersey? It should be Old Jersey. It seems pretty old to me. No laughter? Slam your face. That's great. Wait, back up. New one-liner. So they're either laughing at the joke

or they're laughing at the cake. It's a good combination of physical. And then you start to fuck with their expectations, whether or not they want to laugh. And then like maybe something is on the borderline. So like you sort of slam your face slowly into the cake. And yeah, that's pretty good. I like that. In fact, I think we should do that on the road next time we're doing a live podcast. Nice. A cake slam, we'll call it. All right. Somebody, whoever comes to our next live show, bring us a cake because we can't travel with one. Now, that's what I call sweet comedy.

Silence, slam cake. Slamming cake, yeah. All right. That's it. That's our show. Thank you for writing questions in or theme songs in. The email address for everything is ifireashow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was Rajat.

Remember that one? I do. And this closing one is written by Guttridge? Let me look up his full name. I only wrote Guttridge, but I know he is

a full name. It might even be Jake Guttridge. Cool first name, dude. It is Jake Guttridge. Fuck! Thanks to Jake and thanks to Rajat.

Thanks to you guys for listening and we'll be back next week. Ciao! Deuces. Oh If I were you Sure Oh

Oh If I were You sure If I were You sure Starts Now Fly where you show. Starts now. That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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