Segments - 352: The Biggest Announcement

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

We're back! In this episode we announce our newest, most ambitious project yet: our new Patreon Channel: Patreon.com/JA . We discuss why we decided to launch this channel, as well as the shows currently on it: A video version of this podcast, as well as "Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir." We're excited. Hope you are too.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, a podcast show, some knowledge you bestow helps our blunders. If I were you, already know. Perfect relationship though. It's just one problem. If I were you, time to go.

Knowledge river overflows. It begins now. Whoa. I love DMV. Close, it begins now. Whoa. I love DMV. That was written by somebody named Calvin Yeager, or Yeager, and he's a third-year biochem PhD student. Well, fucking abandon it and do Dave covers, bro. And not only that, he gave us two Dave covers.

There's another one? And about five other originals. So we're going to do the two Dave covers today. That one was Satellite. We'll end with Crash. I love Satellite. And that was Calvin. So thank you, Calvin, who's going to be a doctor soon. But look, I just felt like I was waiting for the chorus.

That's my only note. So you want a full version. Everything was perfect. Everything was great. And then we're coming up to, like, winter's cold, spring erases, and the calm wave by the storm is chasing. Yeah, I don't know this song that well.

Winter's cold, spring erases. I'm wearing headphones. And the calm wave by the storm is chasing. You have to give me a warning, because it's, like, really high grading. Yeah, well, that's not really high. It's not really grading. It's really hurts. You have to give me a warning because it's like really high. Yeah, well, that's not really high. It's not really grating. It's really high.

It's really pitchful. It's really great. It's not grating. It's great and. It's currently great. I should be a singer. Nothing official to promote except for an Instagram that he uploads music to. Calvin.yeager.

It's great that he doesn't have anything official to promote because we have something official. That's right. To announce. Big announcement. And to promote. I wanted to organize my thoughts because I didn't want to just rant incoherently about this thing that is kind of a big deal. Interesting.

That was my plan. Right. And so I started writing outline. I want to hit this point. I kind of a big deal. Interesting. That was my plan. Right. And so I started writing outline. I want to hit this point. I want to hit this point. And then I started writing paragraphs. And before I knew it, I have this like five minute speech prepared. I have written before me on my text edit doc, a multi-paragraph speech, not even a-

You wrote a speech? I wrote a speech announcing this project. Is this the first time you've written a speech since? Since your best man wedding. Oh. Yeah. Which you seemingly went off the cuff with. Yeah, but this is more important. Yeah, I don't want, like that one I can just sort of like wing it and hit the main talking points. Right. But this one's really, really important to me. So the two speeches that you have in your life are the best man speech you gave at my wedding, the most important day of my life. And this speech here, the most important day of yours.

That's right. My wedding day today, announcing this project. Really excited you wrote a speech. I will read the speech. It will seem off the cuff. It'll seem like I'm just not even reading the speech at all. Right. Because you probably wrote it for it to seem. Yeah. casual casual dots holds for applause yeah so this is the speech

you can chime in whenever okay just know that i'm reading i'm gonna make it sound like i'm not trying to could i chime in quickly before you you can chime in whenever you want including now i want all right uh this is i'm floored that you wrote a speech. Of course. This is, I don't know. I feel like everything in our lives, like I get excited by. Yeah. And then there's a couple magical moments that you also get excited by. And this is that magical. Whoa, you're reading this off a note card.

All right. Go on. Enough preamble. Ready? Yes. Before. Before. Oh, wow.

Sorry. Should have practiced this Before we... Oh, wow. Yeah. I really should have practiced this. Three, two, one. Before we got to... Ooh, wow. All right, here we go. Speech time. Here we go.

Before we get into the podcast today, we wanted to announce something new, something big, and exciting, and nerve-wracking. True so far? Yeah. So nerve-wracking that you wrote a speech. That's right. Voice trembling, acting cool, no big deal. Jake and Amir, our web series, ended in April of 2015. And in the three-ish years since then, we've kept busy and self-employed by podcasting and building out our network, HeadGum.

Yeah. We shot two seasons of Lonely and Horny and developed a number of TV and film ideas with a few production companies. Yes, all to resounding success, as you know, because you've seen us all over television. That's right. These are projects that I guess our fans aren't even aware of because you don't really tell anybody about it until it, quote unquote, goes. Yeah. Is this part of the speech? No, no, no. This is me talking. This is riffing. But it's cool that you can't really tell the difference. Yeah. The problem, I go back to reading,

with traditional Hollywood TV and movies and stuff is that the industry moves incredibly slowly. Pitches take weeks and the idea is bought and scripts take months to write and decisions take years. And nine times out of ten, you're left with a sample that nobody will see created for a network that nobody really watches. Right. Our fans don't know that we've had many exciting meetings. Yeah, meetings and pitches and scripts written that aren't necessarily ours. And we get great calls and bad calls. We get calls that are like, they want the script.

They want to pay you to write a pilot. And then we get a sad call that is like, they didn't like the script enough to shoot the pilot. That's right. Or you shot the pilot, but they didn't like the pilot enough to turn it into a show. Or you have a really exciting pitch with a bunch of really cool partners, and then you're waiting to go into the rooms, and then the partners actually realize that they're too busy, and they can't do the show. That's another option. The end result is a script or a show that's been kind of mutated and watered down and ultimately not entirely ours. And that's not very exciting. We've written scripts based on ideas we've had, and then they're like, all right, let's do it,

but like this. Let's add this character. Let's change this. The first version of the script is your favorite. And then it gets slightly better, but then after a point there's diminishing returns and they get worse and worse. That's correct. And while we've had, you know, trace amounts of success selling shows and shooting a pilot, like you said, we haven't been able to develop ideas that are unfiltered and unabashedly our own pure ideas that kind of like Jake and Amir that were conceived and delivered directly from us to you. That's right. No note ever given. No notes. Except for Jeff Rosenberg. Occasionally chiming in if necessary. If Jeff laughed, we posted it.

That was the rule. Zero creative compromises, which I think was peak fun for us and peak fun for the audience because they saw shit that probably wouldn't have ever seen the light of day in movies or in TV. Right. Like Ben sucking my dick? For example. And that was just us trying and sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding. This podcast is kind of close to that, but it's just audio. But our goal is to make funny videos that people can watch and consume directly without having to sacrifice any of that creative control.

Correct. Unless you're incredibly successful already, that's not going to happen in TV and movies. Nobody writes you a blank check and is like, all right, deliver a show. I hope I like it in six weeks because we have no creative input whatsoever. Your eyes are off the computer.

You've left the speech. That's correct. I'm off speech, off book. Okay. Back on speech. The people who give you the money make the decisions. Yes. And the people that give you the money make the decisions. Yes. And the people that give you the money aren't always funny.

That's right. And for the first time, nice. That's also written. That's my speech. You're reading through my computer. Since we ended Jake and Amir, there hasn't really been a digital outlet that allows us to do exactly that, which is create content directly to the consumers. Yeah. And there's nothing funny about writing pitches.

Because it has to just be universal and broad and something that you can sell easy rather than something that you know will be funny. There's more strategy. It's like, how do I get a producer interested? How can I show a network that this is relatable? But it being like really funny is the last thing. Even when we did the Jake and Amir pilot, people were like, why did Jake and Amir hang out if Jake hates Amir? And we're like, because that's just like,

because they just do. Don't worry about it. It'll be funny. They just hang out. They sit across from each other. Like Jake tolerates Amir because fucking whatever he does, you sometimes hate your coworkers. You sometimes like them. That's how best friends work. But any time that we had to like actually write a TV show, we're like, oh, okay. So Amir saved Jake's life when he was really little. So Jake feels like he owes him. Yeah, there's a backstory there.

And then who's Jake's little sister and does he have a love interest or a crush? Right. You have to just sort of mold and shape and fit your idea to a traditional medium. Yeah, so Jake has a weird relationship with his parents. He's got this thing with his boss. And Amir wrote a scroll about the best fish to eat. We just shoot this thing already.

But our fans, I feel like, prefer the fish scroll. Yes, and so do we. Yeah, but we're not going to get cash from a channel about a fish scroll. So what's telling me the rest of the speech? Where are we going? So this is, now you're 100% on board. Go back to the speech. I didn't even know that we have this project. I'm finding out about it for the first time too. So this is what we're announcing today. Okay, this is it. This is what we've been leading to, which is our new Patreon channel.

Oh my God. We're asking for cash. That's what everybody's saying. It's not. They're finally begging for cash. Begging for mercy. It's a digital tip jar. It's not a show.

It's a channel. I wanted to clarify that right off the bat, which is a medium that will allow us to create as many shows as we can and sell them directly to you guys, the fans, for less than $5 a month. Patreon.com slash JA. Very sleek. I'm into JA. What are the shows so far? We are in production on two of them already. Firstly is a video version of this podcast, If I Were You, ad-free bonus Thursday style, which won't interfere with our Monday

episodes. So you'll still get the Monday one for free that you're listening to. This podcast never changes. But occasionally on Thursdays, there's a new episode that's available to you as a video on our Patreon. You can also, just so everybody knows, on Patreon, just like simply sign up for that RSS feed. That's right. If just on its own,

if you want two extra if I were you's a month and you don't care about anything else, $5 a month gets you that. Okay. That's the bare minimum. But we're also creating

a new exciting show, perhaps our most exciting show since we love College Humor, something we're calling Jake and Amir Watch Jake and Amir. The idea being we're going to watch our old videos that you guys know and love

sometimes for the first time in 10 years and we're going to give live commentary on them. Correct. And we started doing this a few months ago, I think in like a live stream. Yeah, we just started watching

an old video and laughing like idiots enjoying the content for the first time and coming up like, wait, were you this that day? And wasn't this happening? And wasn't there an alternate ending that we wrote or like a beginning that we cut for time or something like that? There's all these crazy backstories like, oh, this is and also like this is the same day that we shot these other four videos. Right. So you can see I'm wearing makeup from a previous video in this video. Right.

And you know that I'm hungover on the day that we shot Parkour. Yeah. Or like you vomited that day and we included it in a different video. So these are videos that we're going to comment on

sometimes alone, sometimes with our friends. We've already recorded a few episodes with Ben and Thomas, for example. Those are good friends. And Jeff.

He's a friend. That's right. And we're just going to look like silly idiots cracking up and recalling memories about making them. Each old episode, we're digging up old emails, like there are email correspondences between us and Ben, and we're narrating it as we're reading it for the first time since 2009. Yeah, Ben writes the entire video in the email. Yeah, we did a Milkman part one and two episode with Ben. And we looked up the email of him brainstorming ideas.

And it's us throwing shit against the wall. And he's like, I should be a surgeon. Then you say, oh, or a milkman. And he goes, that's perfect. I'll be a milkman that sells expired milk. You get sick and somebody says we need a doctor. And then I say, I'm a doctor. Like that is literally the first video. And we're watching the video while we're talking about it. So you guys are able to watch the videos along with us as we do a deep dive

into these old episodes. Some of them are legit, still good. And some of them are legit bad. And we kind of comment on that. We give these videos a grade at the end of every episode. That's right. It's kind of like the ultimate guide or a complete history of. It's like the old DVD commentaries that I used to watch. But more than that, because it's a video of us watching it. It's not just audio content over a video. Right. So these are new, high-quality videos.

Those episodes are roughly like 15 minutes each. And it's something we can obviously never do for TV, nor could we afford to do. Nobody would care. No. We also brought back John and Giancarlo, the guys who shot just about every single episode of Jake and Amir. That's right. They're shooting and editing this stuff for us. So it's like fully exciting that we're, it's not just like, oh, we're going to get nostalgic and watch our old videos.

We're like trying to use those videos as a leaping off point to create something new. But we have the whole band back together. And the videos themselves look good. We're spending money shooting these videos in HD. Three cameras. We rented a location. We're not fucking hacking it just for cash.

We're trying to make it look like an HBO show, but at the same time we're talking about, what did we use for diarrhea in this episode? We haven't watched that episode yet, but I do remember that we pushed pudding through a hole in khakis. Yeah. Or like who came up with Oshishalt was a dream. And are we still proud of that line today? Spoiler. We are.

For $4.99 a month, you have access to both shows. We don't want to like charge a different rate for every show. $4.99 is for the channel, and that channel is not going to change. It'll always be patreon.com. The shows itself will move in and out like seasons of a show. We'll do as much commentary as possible, and then eventually we'll be able to add shows to that channel depending on how many people sign up. If we do good, we do more.

That's right. For example, if we have 10,000 patrons supporting this channel, we'll launch a third show, which is more of a narrative show, something scripted like Lonely and Horny, if you guys saw that, or like Jake and Amir even, where these two first shows are more nonfiction. It's us as humans laughing and joking around with each other. If we get enough patrons to sign up we'll start expanding the universe even more the channel will grow with the audience that is the most exciting thing to me because as we've been watching jake and amir um i'm realizing

how much i miss just like writing comedy dialogue and shooting comedy videos. Right. And like, we have that a little bit with the HeadGum videos, but we don't write those ourselves. We don't edit those ourselves. We're not even in them a lot of the time because we've been busy. But like watching old Jake and the Mirrors makes me so excited to write a new series, to come up with a new series. The other thing I'll say is that Lonely and Horny is really close to what we had with Jake in the Mirror.

It's really fun to write, really fun to shoot. Just a good time across the board. But even from season one to season two took two years. Yeah. So even development that's seemingly not as intense as giving an FX or HBO or IFC show. It took that much time. We had to find a home for it. We have to wait for contracts for years and years. Yeah, produce it, edit it, give it, wait for it, wait for the platform.

Wait for launch, promote the launch. You can watch these two on Dropout, we should say. But a lot of it is out of our control. We want to be able to control this ourselves, but we need help. As always, we rely on our fans, the ones that watch the videos to begin with, the ones that write in for the show, the ones that are listening to this podcast, the ones that submit theme songs. At College Humor, we had the IAC and the ad sales team and everybody supporting our job. Now we have nobody.

Yeah. We want to just grab you guys, the fans, and create an ad-free, pure, direct-from-us-to-you platform. And we're so thankful that Patreon is there to help us do that. I should say right now there are two episodes of Jake and Amir Watch Jake and Amir and a video, if I were you, on the Patreon. So you can subscribe right now. We're timing it so that you can go there right now, patreon.com slash JA and watch over an hour of content ASAP. Right. If you subscribe today, that is one hour of content. No problem. And then there will be a new episode of one or the other coming every Thursday. That's the plan. Every Thursday, one a week, three in the bank right now.

And we've been making one episode of something for the last like 12, 13 years. So you know we're good for it. Yeah. It's basically like a short movie every single month for five bucks. It's nearly two hours of video, premium video content. And if we get enough people to get on board, to enjoy it, to spread the word, to watch and enjoy, we'll make more. We'll only make more. We'll never make less. So it's a little bit of a risk on our part. We're hoping that we do get enough support

to at the very least fund this current rate of operation. But ideally, we'll get more, grow more, grow more, make more shows. Suddenly, we're at three, four, five. This starts looking

like a real channel in our full-time jobs. Yeah, that'd be sick. That'd be insane. We're posting trailers and clips of this new channel

on our Twitter and Facebook and Instagram, so check them out. Leave a comment. Tell a friend. Every little bit helps. I think at

patreon.com slash JA ja we can also just like post the trailer for everyone and again this is perhaps our biggest risk ever so i know we're asking a lot which is five dollars a month we spent a lot of time talking about it too and we appreciate that uh but again there's no like there's company, there's no corporation behind us right now. It's just us asking you guys for support after relying on you guys for the last 10 years. So we really, really hope- Do us one last solid. And I don't think you'll be disappointed.

And there's other tiers. So it's not just the $4.99, that's the basic one that will let you watch all the shows. We're doing stuff at $9.99 a month where you can join us for a monthly live stream and suggest the videos that we'll be reviewing so you guys can actually tell us which videos to watch and comment on uh ask us a question for our video podcast but again the base rate of $4.99 we'll get you the content always and forever we could even watch like weird uh ad sales videos on that 999 tier.

Oh, like watch old branded content that we were in? Yeah, like during the live stream, we watched like the Schick Hydro Tour video. Oh, God. That could be misconstrued as an advertisement. Well, we'll talk shit about Schick the whole time. We'll talk Schick about them. It's called Talking Schick with Jake and a Schick.

That's it. That was the end of my speech. That's the whole speech? That's everything I wanted to say in roughly the order I wanted to say. I really could have used like a rousing call to action at the end, but I guess it was sort of an impassioned plea, like we've never asked you for anything. Yeah, though we have. Lonely and horny.

Yeah. But that money, again, didn't go to us to make the video. That went to Vimeo to prove that we were good enough to make a second season, which you guys did prove, but then they folded their platform anyway. There's always a middleman. There's always a cost to doing business. No one's going to give you money directly

until now, we hope, that you guys will. And then we're going to use all the money we're making to just turn around and make that content, send it right back to you guys. Content that we don't have to approve by anybody who nobody has to say yes or no. Nobody has any creative input. So if you like what we've been doing, if you've trusted us so far, if you're still listening after 10 years of videos and five years of podcasts. If you're a true circle-jerking diva.

If you're a day one, then I have no doubt in my mind that you will thoroughly enjoy patreon.com slash JA, our new channel. Yeah. I mean, and subscribe and like get in on the comments. We're going to be reading them a lot over this next few weeks and like help us guide what we're creating for you. That's right. And let us know what you think.

Let us know what we should do. We want to do right by you most of all. That's it. Is let us know what you think. Let us know what we should do. We want to do right by you most of all. That's it. Is there anything left to say? Should we do a normal podcast now? Should we answer some questions? Feels so strange. But I am like, before we go, I'm like, oh, I'm just overcome by emotion for like our

earliest fans, if they're even still around. I'm sure that some of them are. But like, you know, the people that met us in the rain in Washington Square Park. We had our first ever Twitter meetup. Right. Not knowing if anybody was going to go. Or when we do a live show in Australia and it's like a 23-year-old. Like, I've been watching you guys since I was 12.

Yeah. So that's some good shit. I feel like we've had a really unique career in that we've made great fans early on, and we've made a relationship and kept that alive. I feel like every time I meet fans of ours, we have a kinship because we have to have the same weird, dumb sense of humor. Yeah. have the same weird dumb sense of humor yeah um which is i mean i don't not a lot of people have that relationship with their fan base some people have just like fans because they think they were cute in a vampire movie and you're like they don't know who you are i would trade it all in to be hot in a fucking vampire movie oh well i that was i was sort of disparaging that in a way. Get away from that werewolf!

I'm doing sides from the movie. No way that's a side from the movie. Get away from that wolf! Who is that hot guy? Oh, that's the mirror. And now you're doing... He's sort of an empty vessel, but he's hot. Now you're doing... A different character.

Like a hot girl watching you audition for a part. Or whatever. It could be anything. It can't be anything because it's so small, petty, and complicated. Why are there bystanders in your audition watching you read sides? It's an open call. Who know that you're bad at acting, but you're hot. Why is that your goal?

It's not a goal. It's a dream. Let's go to break and come back and try to do a podcast. Wait, while you were talking, it made me think of something else as well, which is that we will not stop trying to do TV and movies just because that's always an exciting next step. And it feels like a fun way to expand our audience. But at the same time, like digital and internet just feels more comfortable, feels like home. This feels like the right next step for us. Yeah. That's just the digital stuff for our fans is what we should be doing all the time. And now like Patreon gives us the tool to actually do that. We should be creating weekly content that we like, that our fans like, that makes us laugh, that makes them laugh. We should

be doing live shows, doing all the stuff that we like the most. Yeah. And then also waiting for executives to give us notes on a movie script, which we always are. And it takes six to eight months. To hear back. Yeah. So we'll keep that up too. So once again, that URL is patreon.com slash JA. We're trying to get as many people to sign up today. So do check it out.

Let us know what you think. And we appreciate your time. Let's take a break. We'll answer some questions from the confused youth of this crazy, crazy planet we call Earth. We call Mars. That's right. Welcome to 2025. It's only 2025 and we're podcasting on Mars? I said we're taking a break. I don't think so. I don't think that's going to the fucking cards, man. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all inin-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. You know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lif visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready

to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks.

Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? I want to listen to the fight.

Mom, I'm coming! Gross. I always forget that that's coming. I don't know why. Yeah, I do, actually. We have a new Patreon. Oh. Actually, my advice does include paying money for shit. Okay. But the Twinnovation live show in Brooklyn.

Oh. I think everybody that lives within, I don't know, a few hours of Brooklyn should go to that show. Are you going? I can't. Because it's in New York. Yeah. And we're going to be in LA. We should live stream it or something.

That seems like a Dave Rosie plan. That would be great. He puts on the Instagram. I can see him doing that, like wearing a headband, putting his phone in his forehead. Live streaming the whole show. Live streaming the show from his POV. You should suggest that to him. I think it's going to be really funny.

I mean, their shows are always really funny. I think this is also going to be kind of enjoyably insane because it's their first ever show that's kind of entirely them. Yeah. It's done without a festival. It's done without a big showcase. And it's on Halloween. Yeah. The concept is based on Jeff's earlier pitch of Hallow May and doing Halloween in May when it's warmer. So they're doing a Hallow May show on Halloween.

Wow, that's crazy enough to work. A Hallow May in October. Imagine. The poster also says a no-hold-barred costume contest, which I imagine is just sort of like a cage fight with a bunch of people in WrestleMania costumes. Yeah, I guess that's what their live shows devolve into anyway, regardless of when and where they are. So it makes sense that that's the hollow main theme, too. Yeah, I think it turns into a party afterwards. So everyone should go.

You can find tickets on Dave's Twitter. I think we both retweeted him, too. Yeah. Just Google Twinnovation live show at Littlefield, Brooklyn, New York. 1031. Easy enough. That's all. Go to the show.

Bye. Easy enough. That's all. Go to the show. Bye. All right. This question is written by a man we'll call Dave Rosenberg because it's about an uncle. And Dave Rosenberg has one, I think. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck, fuck, writes Dave. I'm in a vehicle driving back from a Thanksgiving weekend at my uncle and aunt's cabin. I guess it's a Canadian Thanksgiving thing. Wait, where did he say he was? Driving back from a Thanksgiving weekend at my uncle and aunt's cabin. I guess it's a Canadian Thanksgiving thing.

Wait, where did he say he was? Driving back from a Thanksgiving weekend. Did he say the word vehicle? Yeah, he's in a vehicle. That's so odd. Driving back, so he's in a car while this crisis is currently happening. Who says vehicle to describe, I'm in a vehicle.

In our vehicle, he writes. It is just myself and my uncle. After about an hour of a five hour drive We finally get back to phone service As the cabin in the woods at a lake In northern British Columbia Well out of range of any cellular signal My uncle, father of six

Married for 30 years Checks his voicemail on speakerphone as he is driving The first voicemail is a lady's voice The message says, hey sweetie, when are you back? And my uncle deletes the message, turns off his voicemail and, uh, and the cab of truck fills with silence. Is that a thing filling with silence? I don't know. Don't really care. Fuck. Anyway, the cab is filled with the most awkward silence. It still is. I'm sending you this because I don't know what the fuck to do. The radio is on now and we're having casual chit chat paired with an eerie tension that's in the

air. What do I do? Is there a world where this is an innocent message? Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobo. I mean, Amir and Josh and Kobe. You're my only hope. Love, Dave. Solid email. Yeah, he's in the car while it's happening. Aside from the vehicle. You're obsessed with the vehicle. And filling with silence, I do think, is the thing. Yeah, sometimes silence can be the loudest

noise of all. This is also like Uncle's worst nightmare. He's like, oh my god, that was so... I'm caught. I hope he's not doing anything on his phone. Let's just make casual chit-chat. This kid is like, meanwhile, writing an email outing the uncle. That's right.

He knows all. Oh, yeah. It's like the type of thing where two people are both thinking the same thing, hoping the other one is going to be polite enough not to mention it. And then they both do, and they hope they both forget about it. I think it's better to mention it because it's more awkward to let it linger and to wonder who's thinking what. But if you're just like, who is that?

You know, it's too late now. You should have said it really casually. Would you have said that to your uncle? Who's that? Yeah, I think I would have. And then he could have been like, he could have given me that lie that smooths it all over. Oh, so it's like a lie that both of you know isn't true.

Right. And that would be the way of smoothing it over. You don't then do anything about it. No, I don't think you need to investigate but it's much more awkward to like delete, freeze up and then like oh my god I feel like if he's having an affair

why would he check the voicemail why would he check that voicemail on speaker that's right unless he wants to be caught this nefarious little avuncular addict who's like sort of gets off. Avuncular? What is avuncular? Of or relating to uncles.

Really? Yeah. Did you? Why do you know that? It's a fun word. Avuncular? Yeah. Is that a real word? I am now I'm not 100% sure, but it felt right at the time. Let me look.

Avuncular. Avuncular. Like I have an avuncular attitude as an uncle. And if so, is there a aunt version of that? Avuncular related to an uncle. Is there a, yes. Antuncular? Yeah. Female avuncular. A caller asked if there's a feminine version of avuncular. Uh, the Oxford English Dictionary lists maternal as meaning a characteristic of an aunt. Maternal? Matertural. Matertural.

That's right. It's much less fun to say than avuncular. I have no idea why avuncular exists. And why you knew it. And why you knew it. And why you said it. It's because I am an uncle.

And I am a funcular in my vernacular. You're not very a funcular, though. I am a funcular vernacular. You're more of a maternial. I'm more of a maternal. I have a maternal turtle, if that's helpful. I want to follow up Pup on this, because I'm almost certain like as the car ride finished

like the you know they're about to go it was like alright drive over by the way that voicemail you heard

was nothing it was just so and so like if that happened then he's definitely having an affair. Yeah and if it doesn't

then he's probably definitely having an affair. Then it could have been like his mom or his friend you know? Yeah.

Sweetie is a little weird. I think like the only person that can really call him Sweetie are his mom or his wife. So if his mom's dead and that was not your aunt's voice, then he's having an affair.

Shit's going down. All right. A question from a lady. Yes. We'll call her Queen Elizabeth the 12th. Why? Because can you imagine if that's how long there's been a queen, that there's 12 of them at this point?

Are there 12? No. Okay. I'm just being avuncular, I guess. Hello, my fine friends. For the past year, I have worked in a retail for a pretty large and well-known company, and I've absolutely loved it. Despite it being a retail job and having the usual struggles of it being retail,

I still enjoy it there. I'm surrounded by music I love hearing, and I get to talk about topics that I genuinely love. However, a friend I went to high school with voiced an interest in working at the store with me since I would talk about how much I loved it. I offered to refer her to my manager and help her get hired and sure enough she did. Everything was fine except when she started working there she has had a horrible attitude and is an extremely negative person and just makes everyone dislike her. It's frustrating because it makes me look bad and also I believed in her. Everyone is saying

at this point if she's so unhappy, she should just quit. And they all want to be the one to talk to her. Sorry, they all want me to be the one to talk to her. How do I go about this? She likes to victimize herself. So I don't know if she'll take anything I say in a non horrible way. Please help. Sincerely, Elizabeth the 12th.th Oh my jeebs You got people hired at College Humor Was it ever uncomfortable? Did you ever feel ownership over them?

Like you better do well Because I fucking vouched for you bro I guess sometimes a little bit But I also feel like College Humor Was a really enjoyable job So people generally liked it Right, everybody had fun If you invited a new friend, it was fine.

Yeah. And even the ones that didn't like it, like, stayed for a summer internship and then stopped. At the very least. So you never, like, dealt with this, like, oh, this guy's a bad attitude. I would not fire my friend. That's crazy that they want her to do it.

I don't think they want her to fire her friend. They want her to say to her friend, you should quit. Yeah. Like, which, you know, I guess it depends like how much, like what her level of complaining is. If she's like, I hate this job, then I think it's kind of like, you could definitely use that as an in to be like, oh, you don't have to work here. It doesn't matter. Like, yeah. It can help you find another job.

In fact, let's both quit on the count of three. Ready? One, two, three. She quits. Yeah. It's like diving off a really tall thing where you count to three and only one person jumps. Sorry, I got scared. Too scared to quit. Anyway, I love this job. I love the music. I love the idea of loving the music where you work so much. And I can talk about any topic I want. Yeah. I think that's, I mean, isn't that almost any job? No. Well, yeah, for her probably, because she just loves

the idea of talking to strangers about anything. For me, that sounds like a nightmare. Yeah. Listening to music, talking to strangers about anything other than basketball. People don't really listen to headphones at our office. Oh, at HeadGum? Yeah. Like at College Humor, the last year or so that we were there, we would go in, everybody was just on headphones staring at their computers. Interesting. I can't do headphones and work at the same time.

Like when I'm listening to a song, I can't zone it out and read something or work on something or write something. This is good for unsolicited advice, but I listen to kind of like Like when I'm listening to a song, I can't zone it out and read something or work on something or write something. This is good for unsolicited advice, but I like listen to kind of like focus music. Which is just like white noise, sonic pulsing and classical rock. It's like, no. Well, maybe, sort of. It's like folk hip hop, kind of trans like beats, but also like kind of interesting coming of age. Well, kind of.

Podcasts. Yeah, a little bit. No podcast, but also like kind of interesting coming of age. Well, kind of. Yeah. A little bit. No podcast. Neopolitical dystopian books, like future books read by like a robot voice. No, not quite. Actually, there is kind of that in one of the songs. I listen to a playlist called. It's not Siri.

It's not lit Siri. Did you say lit Siri? Yeah. It's like a literary Siri. A literary Siri. Literary Siri. I listen to a playlist called Deep Focus on Spotify. Yeah. It's like a literary Siri. A literary Siri. Literary Siri. I listen to a playlist called Deep Focus on Spotify. Yeah.

And it's kind of like eerie. You're jerking off to that. Eerie. No, not jerking off. Responding to emails to that. Got it. Okay. Don't active listen to me if like everything you're-

I won't active listen. Yeah, but you're also always wrong. I'm helping to repeat so that enforces the words in my mind's eye. I know what active listening is. Yeah. I don't think you do because you're not listening. You're sort of like active interjecting. Yeah.

You're talking at the same time. I'm talking at the same time, yeah. Stop breathing that way. I don't know how I got on this diatribe, but your friend, I feel like she's going to quit on her own. Or you can, at the very least, subtly suggest it. You could also lie to your coworkers and be like, I did talk to her. She's just negative, but she doesn't want to quit. I don't know what to do.

You guys have to fire her if you want her to leave. In 90s sitcoms, subliminal stuff seemed to be a lot of stories, like placing messages and songs or like on tv and videos where like it would almost hypnotize people yeah i remember like various like teenage drum comms about that like it happened on saved by the bell didn't it yeah like zach put a secret message to ask him on a dance in a song where you couldn't even hear it but it was playing i remember that yeah anyway do. There's music at this store, right? I see. So it's like, yeah.

Quit your job. Yeah. Quit your job. Like if you play it backwards, it's quit your job or you're not happy here. Please leave. You're not happy.

Get the fuck out. And then you like, the music drops and it's just you on the mic. You're not happy here. Shit. Sorry. I mean,

clean up on aisle four i have a friend who's sobbing that kind of retail i see unfortunately for me you have to be not here uh so good luck what would you do if this were you i would probably talk to the friend and be like just wait for her to be like complaining a lot and then you suggest quitting. Yeah. But you're not the one who has to push her out. You just sort of have to hope that she makes the decision on her own. Right.

And let her vent to you. And if you see an opening, suggest quitting. Take it. All right. Cool. That's our time. But again, there's a video version of this podcast available to you right now on patreon.com slash JA. Wait, is it one or two?

There's two Jake and Amir Watch Jake and Amirs, and there's a video If I Were You, and there's another one coming on Thursday. Oh, well, shit. If you ain't tired of us yet, go do that. And again, thank you guys so much for listening to that and hearing us out and supporting us as you guys always have. We thoroughly appreciate it. We wouldn't even feel comfortable taking this risk if you guys weren't there to help us. So, toadah, once again.

I love you. The opening theme song and the closing one was written by Calvin. Oh, yeah. Show me Crash, baby. All right. The first one was Satellite, and then this one is Crash.

Again, we'll be back, as always, on Monday next week with another episode of If I Were You. Crash. Come speak again Who've got problems for you? My goal is Into their mind Your advice he sends Good thoughts, breathy, cruel Cerebral

Advice for beasts Advice for trolls lost in thought their soul lost until you until you come rehash their inquiry ash they're in

query and they come to that was a hate gum podcast the five dollar meal deal at mcdonald's means you get to pick between a mouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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