Segments - 353: Irish Pool Party (w/Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport!)

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

Friends and "Hollywood Handbook" hosts join us to discuss fake beer, real babies, and work out regimens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, I'd show. If I were you, I'd show. If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you on a scale of, let's say, a one to 50. I love it. I love it. Whenever Steve Martin sort of puts the comedy stuff down and picks up the banjo.

You guys have the Oh Brother soundtrack? We do. It's my favorite album still. We all love the dead, but Jerry Garcia Band is underappreciated. And when he would just start plucking away and take us down to Shady Lane. I don't know why Tim Blake Nelson hasn't done more albums.

So that wasn't any of the people you mentioned. That was actually somebody named Calvin Yeager, who submitted last week's DMV parodies. He also had some originals. I figured, you know what? We played the parodies. Why don't we give them some originals love? So shout out to Calvin Yeager, who's a PhD student,

who made that with banjo, mandolin, and guitar. How were the DMV parodies? I haven't heard that episode yet. I think it was good. It's worth checking out. Does he do a good DMV voice? Yeah, he does satellite and crash. Jake's a huge Dave fan.

Are you guys Dave heads? Sean, now I'll let Sean take it. Oh, it's okay. I've talked about it before. Well, they were like the biggest thing in the world at my high school. We grew up like 10 minutes away from each other. We grew up really close. And it wasn't, do you remember when they had the riots at the parking lot?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It was national news. I mean, like the Meadows parking lot. Because they would always do two nights at the Meadows. Setting them on fire yeah i saw some i saw a girl get shoved like a port-a-potty get shoved over with a girl inside of it and then you were at her boyfriend like had to fight this guy who shoved the port-a-potty over but it was like for her honor because she was covered in pee and poop but he obviously was like didn't want to fight yeah what would you do in that

situation like you have to you can't not i think i spent their teenagers but it's like i don't think he had any option he either had to break up with her or start punching this guy who also was the kind of guy who would shove a right port-a-potty over so he did beat him up so that guy's story was i went to an awesome dave concert last night a fight broke out i shoved her over a porta potty i beat somebody up the party was awesome i'm the man and dave played tripping billies too they jammed for 28 minutes i could never get into dave matthews because everybody was so into like the live shows of it all and yeah it was the songs were like 38 minutes long like i didn't i quite i didn't quite understand it i hated them just to be a contrarian

i was always like oh you didn't like they're for wussies yeah and then i was like i'm into fucking hip hop and then after i missed like the first concert where it was like everybody fingered each other on the lawn of the concert and everyone was doing drugs and having sex. And I was like, I think I'm going to go next year. Seeing Judah Freelander in the video where he gives free hugs, I believe it's for every day. Yeah. That's why I got into comedy. Not why you got into dicks.

I saw out Judah Freelander's comedy from that video, and I was like, oh, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. How old were you then? I was 29. How old are you now? I'm 30, approaching 33. Wow. Yeah. Larry Bird.

Yeah. Shout out. Sean and Hayes, I should introduce you guys. Oh, please. Those two voices that you don't quite hear every week in the studio. Not quite. Not quite. Although I do sound a little bit like Sean. Yeah, almost. those two voices that you don't quite hear every week in the studio not quite although I do sound a little bit like Sean almost

Sean Hayes from the Hollywood Handbook podcast true or false? it's true I have to admit it but it's not just that podcast anymore now we have so many all of a sudden we have tons it happens like that

one is popular. It's a slippery slope. It's a never ending. People are insatiable. They want more. I'm addicted to diminishing returns. I'm not going to stop until nobody's listening to my rugby podcast. I'll see rules football podcast.

We were the same way. We had this show for so long. And then Jake started a Dungeons & Dragons podcast, and he loved it. And I'm like, fuck, what's my Dungeons & Dragons? So I started a basketball podcast. Now it's like, all right, what else we got? Let's just fucking keep it going.

Dave Matthews podcast? Yeah, DM Pod. So what do you guys have in addition to Hollywood Handbook? We just started a basketball, another NBA show. I was telling Amir, ours is called The Flagrant Ones. Great. Pretty good, right? That's good, that's good. But yours came was telling Amir. Ours is called The Flagrant Ones. Pretty good, right? That's good.

But yours came first, Amir. And Sean and I immediately text each other. We're like, fuck. Mine was the tipping point. It wasn't the 1100 before mine. No, because we had all these plans. We had the first record, I think, scheduled. And then we get hit with this.

With the big dog. Which is why I didn't want to then we get hit with this with with the big dog which is why i didn't want to go comes out with the podcast every podcast that i bet two other people saw your podcast said fuck all right let's do it anyway and then two other people will see that one it's i have noticed that that then i go like oh i think i have other friends who have nba podcasts i wasn't even aware of i have two two. So I also felt this, like, do I do this? I don't like talking about anything else. But at the same time, I feel bad because somebody, like literally two of my friends have podcasts. Yeah, was JJ Redick mad when you started yours?

JJ was fine with it. He was fine with it. It was CJ and AJ that weren't too pleased with me. CJ Miles. That's right. And AJ Burnett, who I think is a baseball player. But do you guys have anything in addition to those two. That's right, and AJ Burnett, who I think is a baseball player. But do you guys have anything

in addition to those two? That's it right now, right? Well, we do a Hollywood Handbook. We also do a Hollywood Handbook, the pro version, which is on Stitcher Premium.

And that is behind a paywall if anybody wants to just pay for everything individually. And Sean has one called Hollywood Masterclass with Ben Rogers, and I do a show about la politics called la podcast yeah that's where i get my news really fun yeah you were how did you immerse yourself into los angeles so much that you're like i can start a show about this i had just been into it for a really long time and

i always wanted a show like that where i could keep up with stuff that is kind of like welcoming people into it and not just like mentioning names that you don't know and like assuming you know them. There used to be one called Which Way LA that was really boring but at least it was on every day for like a half hour that you could kind of catch up with. Is LA podcast a comedy podcast or it's just... No, definitely not compared to

like other comedy podcasts but we try to be like a little lighter and friendlier and funnier. It's funnier than the average local news show. Just accidentally. Yeah. Just by accident, it has to be a little funny. I'm impressed sometimes at how funny it is because just having someone who recognizes how absurd what the local politics things they're talking about are where you'll you'll just be like so this guy for anyone who doesn't know um only hangs around with white supremacists

and uh and here are some of the other people that he's been known to associate with and that just like tell stories about those figures and you go like oh it's fucking insanity like everyone in this entire realm is just out of their mind but i've already gotten kind of scared because we had one journalist we've had a few journalists on the show now and when we say stuff like that the journalists will say like please cut i can't even be on a show where you guys are saying that stuff because they can get sued for like anything and i'm like oh am i just like begging for this to happen at some point? You're like in between the journalists and the comedians.

Yeah, I think, you know, I should say right now, it's a comedy podcast. Yeah. Where it just happened. It's satire. Yeah. Is this all LA local politics? LA County, yeah. Oh, cool.

Yeah. I should check that out. I love politics podcasts. It's 10 million people, you know. We got a lot of people in this metro area. It's good i learned about my own neighborhood when they when the koreatown lobbied to move the shelter and you guys were all like this is setting a super bad precedent other places are going to do this now and then like two weeks later another neighborhood immediately did exactly what you predicted in the

exact way you said using what you said they would use which is the Koreatown as precedent it was cool it's fun what was right about things well what was that precedent what did they do uh they marched uh just to get this homeless shelter moved out of their neighborhood because they said it was too near a school and like all these other things and and they got what they wanted it got moved to uh Westlake uh and because the city council gave in on that, we were like, oh, everybody is going to do this now because they know that it works. And now Sherman Oaks. They'll never be able to land one because everyone will go like, oh, you can

protest and get it moved. And then that place can protest and get it moved. So it's just hot potato. So that's why you organized that march for Mount Washington. Yeah, exactly. A preemptive one. They weren't even trying to get anything in there. We want the shelter. Yeah.

You're marching backwards. Our neighborhood is desolate. We'll take any shelters we can get. But for now, this is If I Were You, an advice podcast, Jake and I's show about dispensing wisdom. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have friends in the studio. Are you guys considered wise?

Do people come to you seeking advice, seeking guidance? Is this new territory for you? I get asked now. People starting a podcast will be like, how do I do this? And I'm embarrassed for two reasons. One is like, I don't want to be like Mr. Podcast. I want there to be someone else in their lives that they ask about this. But also that it's just kind of like you just buy this thing, like this little box,

and then you hit the button on it, and now you have one. You hit the box, and now you have one. I want it to be harder, like the advice that I get. You're good at podcasting, what do you do? I press the button. Yeah, I asked Gabrus first, and he just sent me his Amazon shopping list.

That I probably sent him three years ago. Yes, I think he did tell me it was the exact same thing. And of course, now I look at the equipment here, it is exactly what I have. When I get asked, how do I start a podcast? I go, first of all, if you can do literally anything else and be

happy, do it. Because that's going to be easier. And then they come back to you in a day. And they go like, well, I started it. And you go, oh, okay. And they go, and it's more to be easier. And then they come back to you in a day. Yeah. And they go like, well, I started it. And you go, oh, okay. And they go, and it's more popular than yours. Yeah, that's right.

Oops. I started mine accidentally. Can I be a guest on yours then? That advice, by the way, is a direct quote from, I believe, Simon Kinberg in his Arclight story that aired right after X-Men Apocalypse in the theater. He was the writer of X-Men Apocalypse. He wrote the, yes, he wrote the script and then he in the Arclight story they were like,

so what advice do you have to young writers? And he was like, don't even fucking dream about it. Yeah. Unless you're made of iron. It's the hardest job ever. I can't handle literally. It's the hardest job ever. I can't handle it. A coal miner asked a question. Literally one other person worth of competition will phase me out of my job. I'm begging you to reconsider.

All right. This is a question. We're going to give this guy a fake name. Sean, do you have a fake name? Could be anything. Could be silly. Could be casual. Could be your first grade teacher.

Just something that we can refer to this guy so we can preserve his anonymity. Could be silly. Could be casual. Could be my first grade teacher. Just something that we can refer to this guy so we can preserve his anonymity. Could be silly, could be casual, could be my first grade teacher. Okay, my first grade teacher. Miss Modine was my first grade teacher. Usually you give some kind of what the theme of the question is to give him something. It might help to narrow it down just a little bit. I gave him casual.

He's got too big a sandbox right now. Well, you said something casual. Silly. Like a Q sound is silly. It doesn't have, it could be anything. Like Q sound is a great start. Just give us any name that starts with Q. You're sitting so uncomfortably.

You're fidgeting a lot. Yeah, Q man. Your mouth is getting Q. I said a Q name and you just said Q-man. Q-man. How do you spell that? C-U. He's a pool shark.

Yeah. C-U-E space. And the letter Q. Here comes the Q-man. Q-man writes. Don't play Q-man. I've been working at my job for about a year now, and things are going well. I get along with my coworkers, and they get along with me.

However, even after all this time, Christmas party and social events included, I haven't mentioned the fact that I have a three-year-old child. I never lied about it. It just never came up for the first couple months, and now I feel like it's weird to mention it. How the hell can I mention that I have this child after a year without it getting really weird? Ciao.

Love, Q-Man. Do you have any friends like this that have a secret child or you were surprised to learn how to child? You guys don't have kids, do you? I'm expecting. Are you really? In March, yeah.

Wow, congrats. March, baby. Thanks, yeah. We're pumped. Is this the announcement? Is this the fucking lead? It went up on the gram. I've been saving it for if I were you.

I knew I had this in the tank. I said, my wife wanted to tell our friends. I said, no, hang on, this will be worth it. We had to have this scheduled. We're like, I think they're going to reach out soon. Can you actually save it for our $9.99 tier on Patreon? We're hoping to, like like dangle this carrot. So we're going to edit that secret information out of this episode.

And if you want to know what Sean said, give us $10 a month for how long do you want to say? Six months? Yeah, after six months. Because the baby will be born by then. Whoa, don't spoil it. We'll bleep that out. Juicy. How did you do it on the gram?

How did I? Oh. Was it opposed to the sonogram? Was it opposed to you? It it opposed to the sonogram? Was it opposed to you? It was opposed to the sonogram. We had this great one where the baby is just holding up his hand. Wow. And, like, all five fingers extended.

Like, he's waving. And so I posted the sonogram with a little ironic joke, as I always have to do. Babies for selfie. I said, this is the baby showing you how many rings Tom Brady has. Hope the haters are still mad when he gets here in March. A little Tom Brady onesie.

They will be still mad when it comes to March. Oh, the haters are always mad. That's sort of what makes them haters. So is there a weird way for him to drop this information? Or not weird. Not weird. He doesn't want to seem weird.

Human is afraid of being weird. There's a lot of weird ways to do it. Just like putting a little picture of a three-year-old on his desk all of a sudden now after a year. Yeah, I have a child. Well, now that would be weird if they all think that he doesn't have a kid. And now suddenly a grown child has appeared on his desk. Yeah. But I think he is preparing to do this in a weird way because he's kind of like scared of doing it.

He wants to debut. Yeah. He wants to announce. So he'll announce it in a way that's like, I know this is weird, but I have this kid. And then they'll be like, why did he say it like that instead of just like finding any you know people with kids it is a little weird that he hasn't mentioned it because you just say something that even like tangentially connects to the kid and the parent is like oh my three-year-old like loves that that's her favorite color whatever uh but that's what he should do just find an easy

way to do that super casual what if he like speeds something up sort of like so he says that he has a newborn or he says that he's expecting so everyone's like congrats and then four months later it's like oh yeah the baby's here oh that's good but then you have to sort of skip in time

so that when they meet him he's a four year old didn't you say that a year ago? if you have the job for like three years I I feel like you could have fast-forwarded enough to have him be five. I think a better story is that, like, I'm as surprised by this kid as you are. Oh! You know what I mean?

Oh, I see. If he puts the kid in the back seat, pulls up to work, and then is like, oh, my God! Whose child is this? And then is like, oh, I guess I'll raise the kid now. Right. I'm not an asshole. He brings the kid to work, and he's like oh i guess i'll raise the kid now right i'm not i'm not an asshole he brings the kid to work and he's like can somebody claim this kid nobody does by the end of the day he's like yeah i'm just gonna keep them i'll raise the kid all

right how about this you post the sonogram picture you post the little cheeky joke the irreverent little humor joke baby's coming in march haters yada y, yada, yada, yada. April comes by. You bring in the three-year-old. So people are like, wait, wait a second. What is that? You're like, this is my little baby. He came in March and now he's here. And they're like, it's April fucking 5th.

That's a three-and-a-half year old child. They're like, no, that's a little baby. It's a little baby. He's big for his age. Super advanced. Might want to do it on April Fool's just so we can bail. Yes, if you really get called out by a scientist who's there or something. He doesn't work in a lab.

He's walking, he's talking, he's 3'6". Say this is someone else's kid, April Fool's, and then we start over and we try something else. New Instagram, new sonogram, new baby coming. Good job. Five-year-old.

There's also a sob story version of it where it's like you had to take care of this kid and you make up some like, you know, really terrible backstory for the child. And then you look like a hero. Yeah. That's true. Are you getting the vibe that he's not married? Definitely get elevated at work. Do you feel like he's not married or something?

Like he seems like he's like everyone thinks I'm this single bachelor. The phrasing, yeah. He's like, I have this kid. Yeah. It's usually not that singular. It's not even his kid. That's the crazy part. Yeah, I mean.

I don't know that I have a fucking three-year-old. If he's married, he's not comfortable revealing his wife or his kid. Right. It's a secret family at that point yeah this is the beginning of the who i'm curious about is the girl at work who you know he's like maybe cultivating a relationship with that's right wakes up after the christmas party in his house and she's like wow that was really fun and then you hear like daddy and like she wouldn't she'd get herself into she's part of this blended family now coming soon to cbs that's the show all right those are some options uh all

right next question a should i narc or not hayes do you have a name for this confused gentleman whether or not he should narc uh jo of Narc. That's really nice. Joe of Narc. That's the name of the show that's coming to CBS. Joe of Narc writes, Sup, my dudes. My name is Joe of Narc. Long-time listener, first-time problem-haver.

I recently wound up in a predicament at work where my coworker was drinking and smoking some of the devil's lettuce on the job. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. You do you on your off days and whatever. And I'd just keep to myself if this were a retail or food job, seeing as how we live in a state where bud is legal. It's a problem because we're security. So if something happens on the site, we have to be sober,

we have to be sharp, and we have to respond accurately. I don't hate the guy. He's a little annoying, but who isn't at some point? So I don't want to tell my boss and get him fired. But if it came out that I knew and didn't tell my boss, I'd get fired too. I know the best thing to do would be to just tell the boss, and he'd respect my request of not dropping my name, and I wouldn't get in trouble. But I want to hear the opinions from some guys that I respect from over the internet. So what should I do? What would you do?

Should I be a loser and narc on him or should I just keep it to myself? Much love, Joe. Did he say the guy was drinking and smoking weed? You could do that now. You could drink weed. That's right. I've been curious about it because Sean is sober. I've had this Vibes stuff. Yeah.

It's like a CBD drink. Yeah. I don't know if it does it. I think it might be kind of a placebo thing. Right. Although CBD is not like the highness.

It's non-psychoactive. Yeah. What does it do? It supposedly just makes your body feel better it doesn't I'll check in about like half an hour later and be like I guess I'm not any extreme babe so maybe it's because of this drink I have a CBD

like lotion that I put on my foot because my foot hurts a lot so you can absorb it it does help yeah can sober people use CBD it's a new frontier on my foot because my foot hurts a lot so you can absorb it it does help skin as well yeah can sober people use cbd it's a new frontier kind of i know yeah um i have i i guess with all of this stuff um you know anyone could do anything like there's definitely there's people in whatever in sobriety programs who drink non-alcoholic beer. And there's people who say you can't do that. And there's people who say you could never take Advil and there's other people

who take it. So it's a little bit case by case. I mean, a lot of it comes down to like intent, you know? So it's like if you're doing it going, looking to get a buzz, cause there was a while where I was like, I tried kombucha. And then I found out that kombucha has like 1% alcohol in it. And I was like, okay, I guess I'm saying i live this like alcohol-free lifestyle but i'm also i'm not drinking it to like try to get fucked up right um so so i think that it kind of comes down to like your personal feeling about what you know what is right or wrong are you doing it because you are hoping that you're

going to get a buzz out of it and then if you did would that lead to you doing it more and more um or then i think you should be for your gut you should abstain fermentation yeah but if you're doing it because it's like oh this is like good for my stomach and uh and or with cbd lotion or whatever if you're like my bunion yeah i have aches yeah let's see my bunion hurts. Yeah, I have aches. Let's see your bunion, by the way. It's really shiny with the lotion. It looks good right now. But actually, get the lotion.

Go downstairs and get your lotion. I don't want to take my shirt off because I'm also wearing a little bunion ring that separates my toe box. The bunion is high from the weed lotion. Coming to Adult Swim this fall. Hi, bunion. And at the risk of of boring everyone i have

tried a cbd drink and a cbd lotion i didn't find that it had any effect on me but i was doing it just to sort of see what it was like and the thing that i felt most weird about in terms of things that i've done in sobriety is this new drink that i really enjoy which is hops water yes which essentially i introduced shot to this water it has zero alcohol there's no thing that could have any effect but since i have not had a drink in 14 years it tastes the most like a beer of anything i've ever had it has the flavor of hops but it's like sparkling water and i found this at the 7-eleven uh on like sunset so it's not sparkling water. And I found this at the 7-Eleven on like sunset. So it's not even like Erewhon. You found this at 7-Eleven.

Do you like it? I really like it. It has this sort of pleasant, bitter, herbal taste. And it is a nice drink. It's called Hops 2-0. But I have a tinge of like weird feeling about it. Because it tastes too much like beer. It tastes a little bit like beer. And it's like, should I be enjoying this?

And you'll drink it on your back patio. You drink it in a very beer-y way. I joke about it like it's beer where I go to my wife. She'll be like, I'm going to bed, and I'll go, I think I'm going to hit the porch and have a cold one before I turn in. A cold hops porno. And I'll crack open a hops 2-0. Or H2 Ops, however you should say it. H2Ops, I think maybe.

It's hard with the formatting to know what it's called. Oh, got it. It's an H2O pun. I thought it was like a Hops 2.0. No, it's like Hops Water. That doesn't answer the narc question at all. I mean, is anyone else feeling like maybe he should talk to this guy directly? I noticed he didn't even raise that as an option.

That is interesting. The dude's going to be pissed. be pissed he's gonna be like fuck you man i do but then at that point i would have no guilt about going and telling the boss i would say hey the warning i'd say hey look i know this is uncomfortable i don't want to be a lame-o but like we because of the nature of our job it makes me uncomfortable that i know you're drinking and getting high so either you have to do it so that I don't know about it. Like if you actually think you're cool enough that I won't be able to tell, then like, I guess do it secretly in your car or something before work or just stop and do it when you go home. Otherwise I feel a responsibility to tell our supervisor because I, I think that you're putting people in danger. And if he goes like, hey, fuck you, man, I'll do what I want.

And then you go like, all right, then I'm going to do what I said. I think better to show him rather than explain to him the danger of this would be to stage an emergency. That he can't handle. A heist. Yeah, that he is too high. All the security cameras go black. He gets shot.

Or maybe his paranoia for him being high will cause him to shoot the actor you have hired. Oh no, Mark! But then you find out that he also knew the actor. And he was teaching you a lesson.

It's like how you never punk Ashton Kutcher. Yeah. Or that is the rule. I forgot about that rule. Yeah. You try to punk him. Uh-uh. Don't come at the king or you better not miss.

That's right. Or maybe you give him some of that CBD shit, that shit that doesn't really get him high. He's still smoking. He's still thinking he's getting a buzz, but it's actually just a medicinal buzz so he's just not sore anymore which is fine because you know his job is a friendly prank yeah friendly prank an anti-prank is it still a prank if you're being nice to somebody like a surprise party is a surprise party a prank that's the philosophical shit that we answer on this show sorry i've been eating a lot of jake's lotion so i'm like kind of getting a buzz right now.

Did you see on House of Highlights the surprise party that an elementary school did for the janitor? Is that the one where they give him Jordans and he starts crying? No. He did cry. They did it in a kind of mean way where they were like, hey, this kid took

a shit at the gym. Come clean this up. So they surprised him by luring him there with a sad part of his job. And then a huge part. He's like, ha ha, this is the guy that cleans the shit. You showed up to clean shit, everyone. But it was all these kids. And he'd cry.

I don't know why it was on House of Highlights. It shouldn't have been there. But House of Highlights is basketball highlights and also kids just sort of being nice to their teachers sometimes. Yes. But that didn't feel like a prank no kids weren't like yeah prank seemingly connotes negative yeah hayes was involved in a surprise party for me once it was at his house yeah you guys ever had a surprise party thrown for you i gave up my house for it i have yeah you have yeah were you surprised Yeah. Well, it was like a little weird. It was like, you know.

When was it? Back in New York, like 10, 12 years ago. Was I there? Oh, you knew each other. Maybe so. I should have been there. It was like, it was one of those things where it's like, wait, one second. Let's stay at this restaurant for like 20 minutes.

I was like, all right, let's come here. I'm like, you're acting weird. So you knew. Yeah, it was like tipped off. Was yours a complete surprise? I was totally shocked. I mean, I had been invited to Hayes' to watch a movie. What were we going to watch, do you remember?

I don't think we had picked something out. I bet we had. If it's you, there was a range of... A couple of different movies, maybe? Yeah, it was like maybe one of these. Because I think if there was a specific movie, I actually would remember because I would have been disappointed that I wasn't watching the movie. Because I would have been really specifically looking forward to it.

Was it your party? Was it your birthday? It was my birthday. My wife had organized it with the help of Hayes. And she like picked me up. I was doing something else. And then we drove to hayes's house and i was expecting to walk in and he was like i got a new projector screen we're all gonna watch a movie

and i walked in and there's like 40 people that all shouted surprise and i'm gonna say it was as many as 60 60 people yes and i swear, my first thought, and this maybe illustrates how stupid I am, I went, oh, there's a surprise party for someone. Like, I could not connect it to myself. It was your actual birth date? It was like a day before or after, yeah. Oh, interesting. So you're like, oh, you guys accidentally screened it for me. Yes.

Not this many people like me. I was like, is there someone behind me who's getting surprised with a party now? What crazy timing. Like, I just couldn't. And I was scanning faces. It was really so disorienting. That's a satisfying reaction for you. I was shocked.

Did you start smiling and were you eventually happy? I was really waiting for the big reaction. I didn't quite get it. It was kind of like, okay. Because he never wants to show too much. I don't have it. There's not much in there. I'm not suppressing.

It just doesn't exist. But we had a casino night. Oh, wow. That's really nice. Yeah, it was fun. Do you like planning parties? Was this a fun experience planning a casino party? No, we haven't had one since then.

It was just kind of stressful having that many people. But we had just moved into this place, so the house was kind of empty. So that made it a little easier. And I don't want to steal the credit for planning from my wife either. When you asked, do you like planning parties, maybe say co-planning parties. Yeah, that's right. Because Grace was super involved. It was all of us.

She was. All right, can you ask again? Just so we have it that way. Did you and Grace enjoy planning the party? Well, how would you know her name? I don't know. I feel like we're not going to edit this podcast. We'll get it.

We'll get it. Let's get it. Let's get it authentically, though. Let's get it clean. Did you enjoy co-planning the party? With who? Sorry. Now I'm like chiming in.

All right. Did we answer this guy's question or not we said stage uh emergency that's right and somebody is gonna learn a lesson one way or the other even if he kills the actor what better way to teach him that he should not be doing all these i have one more option sharper what's your one more option? If you can't beat them, join them. Oh, hell yeah. And you've been sober for how long? 14 years. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back and answer some more questions with Sean and Hayes after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-E-N-T-S. Cool.

Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain

name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Friday. Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Hey, guys, do you have any? Unsolicited advice. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Sorry about that. Do you have any unsolicited advice?

What was the end? Since that is the question, the song was the question, I didn't quite hear the words at the end and I just want to make sure that I'm not missing it. It was this weird little passing thing we did once. It was like, I don't even remember what it is actually. I say unsolicited advice

and then there's a guitar riff and then you say something. It's like, mom, I'm coming or something. Okay. It sounds like that is what it is. What I heard, I heard mom, I'm coming. Okay. So that, yeah, that is what it is.

So now we have two pieces. And he's closer to the laptop. And you know what? Now that I think about it, it is that because I did say that once and they grabbed it and they used it against me and they put it in the song. And now it's there forever. Why did you say it once? I said it once as a joke, like I was fucking my mom.

Like as a goof, obviously. The way you said it, that was so practiced. What were you picturing? You said it a lot. Like she walked in on me masturbating. Yeah, or not even that she walked in, but that she had been in the room the whole time. Got it.

You'll appreciate this very quick story that I told on our basketball Patreon that I have a friend who was at basketball camp at Providence College and was masturbating in his bunk. And then the door opens. Austin Crozier. Jeff Van Gundy is standing in the doorway. And now he can't watch NBA on ABC without cumming.

Because it's just a Pavlovian response to his bald head. Jeff Van Gundy walked in on your friend. When he was assistant coach, so he was running the basketball camp. And he was about to yell at him to get to practice. So if you can picture young Jeff Van Gundy. Thin hair. Not even fully bald yet. Watching my friend on the verge.

He fully walked in on him doing it? Swung the door all the way open. Saw the dick. And my friend is in full view. Stan, you gotta come in here. Stan, check this kid out. She's coming. I have some unsolicited advice.

A great product that has really been life-changing in my household. My wife is a freaking tea freak. She's addicted. A freaking vegan? To the sweet leaf. Not that, that's a brand.

She just loves tea, not sweet leaf in particular. Angel's lettuce. What did you call it? Mighty leaf. That's good. What did you call it? Mighty Leaf. That's good. That's another brand. And what she'll do often, she is very easily distracted,

so she would put a pot of hot water on and then leave the house. And so then it would just destroy the pot. There's steam that would set off the fire alarm or whatever is bad. We got one of these hot water heaters where you just flip a little switch it's way faster uh and no damage to any any brand or anything that you recommend of it you fucking sell out let's hear the brand my wife actually uses one of those as well okay and do either of you know which one you use? I think it might be a Zojirushi. A what?

It's a Japanese word. It's not that crazy to me. Is it metal or plastic? I mean, I remember having the plastic hot potty kind of one that you would use for ramen or something. Ours is metal. I'm on Amazon. A Zojirushi is $250,000. Awesome.

It's big. It's really big, yeah. It's like a tank for the, what would normally be used to heat water for a house. I told my wife, she loves tea. It's a hot water heater, basically. It's expensive for that, too. What is it called specifically?

A hot water cooker? It's not a water cooker. Is it an electric kettle? Electric kettle is the word for it. I think that's right. Yes. A water cooker is good. You're like, oh the word for it. I think that's right. Yes. A water cooker is good. You're like, oh, cooking up some water.

Now we're cooking with water. It seems like we're past tea kettles. I'm hungry. Can you just cook me some water, man? The rice maker is the same thing. It's something that like, it's borderline a pot, but makes it slightly easier. So you should just get the rice maker. You guys have a rice maker?

I hate that shit. It makes it slightly easier. So you should just get the rice maker. You guys have a rice maker? I hate that shit. Because then before you know it, you have a kitchen full of shit that's only for one purpose. Yeah, like an avocado slicer. You can use a pot to cook many things, including rice. But it can burn the rice. You can do the ratio incorrectly. Rice is tough. But I use a Dutch oven now for basically every stove top thing.

It's great. So now you're going, even with the tea, you're just Dutch oven. Dutch oven and a cast iron pot. That's the bachelor patch. You don't need anything else. I have a knife. Then that doubles as a knife, a fork. And a plate.

You eat your food off the side of the knife. Just lick it off. I don't need a cutting board. I cut everything into my hand. A toothbrush. You're describing being a hobo. I got a skillet and a piece of ragged metal. Instead of a house.

Well, a skillet is over your head when it rains. Of course, yeah. Instead of an umbrella, I have a skillet or a house. Sean, do you have any unsolicited advice? Yeah, I have a product that I've never used that I think people will enjoy having. I've owned one, and I need to replace it actually when I get my new car because I left this in my old car. But anyway, everyone should look up this product. It's called the Trucker's Friend. The Trucker's Friend.

And it is- It is a flashlight. What else could that be? No, it's not. It's actually much dirtier than that. It looks like a scary axe. No, it's not. It's actually much dirtier than that. It looks like a scary axe. Yeah, here we go. It is something that you put in your car that is supposed to be like in an emergency, you can use it to cut your seatbelt off or smash the window open if you were trapped.

Or fucking beat somebody that's trying to steal your boom boxes out of the back of your truck. It's this big, heavy axe-like thing that my friend at one of the back of your truck it's this big heavy axle thing that my friend uh at one of the jobs i had had ordered for his car and then he was like i just feel more comfortable having this and then he talked maybe he bought one for me either that or he just convinced me and dom to both buy them but then i've had it under the front seat of my car for you know seven years now just waiting for the fucking have you ever used it never have used it ever for anything not even brandished it there's something about having it well i've put my hand

on it before because one time i was uh driving and somebody cut me off like like pulled out of a parking lot and like almost hit my car and i laid on the horn and they put their hand out the window and waved at me and then flipped me off like turned the wave friendly wave into a middle finger and then i turned the same way they were going after the stop sign i think they thought i was like following them to start something and they pulled over to the side of the road immediately like diagonal and the dude jumped out of the car and started, like, pounding his chest and, like, coming at me. And I was driving by, but my hand just drifted down beneath the seat to the handle of the trucker's friend. Holy shit, that's a moment.

Which I guess I was going to use to chop him up. But I just drove away. Like, he couldn't get in my car or anything. You pull yours out, he pulls out his trucker's friend. Oh, yeah. If you really time it right, a guy gives you the finger, and he could fucking lose that finger. Oh, yeah.

Throwing the trucker's friend. But I think people should have it. The trucker's friend comes back to you like a boomerang, too. Holy shit, you really are my friend. You should get trucker's friend and truck nuts for your car. And then you can fucking castrate your truck nuts for your car and then you can fucking castrate your truck nuts with your friend yeah like hanging like nuts like human nuts on the back of your truck that you've sliced off your truckers friend coming soon to hbo i guess i

don't know what channel does this show land on we'll figure it out later that's that's cinemax that's cinemax absolutely they gotta go for it a little more than HBO. They've got to dive in. I'm on Home Depot. The Pro Hammer Axe Multidimensional Tool is what it's called there. It has one star review. Just a one star. It's from some guy that's got a good job.

What's that? Did anybody write anything in the review, or they just gave it the one star? I didn't know this in advance advance but the pictures shown are the real trucker's friend which is made in the usa but what i received is the off-grid tools hammer axe which is made in china had i known ahead of time i never would have ordered it and i expect better from home depot so it's not that they were upset with the quad like with the product itself that's right i guess that they are upset with the product itself but but's right. Or I guess that they are upset with the product itself. But where they love the Trucker's Friend is what this review

tells me. That's right. It would have been so easy to buy the Trucker's Friend, though. Yeah. They knew what they wanted, and they knew the difference. Yeah, and they thought this generic equivalent was made in the USA, but instead it was made in China. And he's disappointed, frankly, and he wants the refund from Home Depot. I'm gonna reply.

Do you guys have a minute? Can you do that? It turns into a chat of sorts with this guy named Matt. No, I can't reply, unfortunately. We'll have to reach out to him a different way. All right, let's answer one more question before you guys have to get out of here, because, honestly, I'm pissed off. This is a 19-year-old from Ireland.

Sean, back to you. Casual name. I can't stress how but this is a 19-year-old from Ireland. Sean, back to you. Casual name. I can't stress how casual this has to be. Okay, so just normal, nothing funny or crazy. And doesn't have to be a teacher of mine or anything. Yeah, and more importantly, the fact that you come up with it quick. And it's fast. Yeah, exactly.

That's the ideal, is that it's almost immediate. Boom. Does he have to use the Irish thing? He doesn't have to, but it's a nice way to color the character. Yeah. So a 19-year-old from Ireland. Mr. Q.

Another pool shark. Got it, got it. Just the Q man again. He's from Q Gardens. I see. K-E-W. Q man and Mr. Q. That is like a buddy comedy pool shark movie.

From Q Gardens Ireland writes, Here's the thing. Every year around the end of January, the school smoke show holds an indoor pool party. Yeah. Though there is an indoor pool. It's mostly just people from our school, and their shirt's off drinking beer.

A pool party in Ireland is so funny because the weather is so shitty. They have to have it indoors. That's is so funny because the weather is so shitty. They have to have it indoors. That's right. God, everyone must be so pale. It's cloudy and rainy and everyone's thick and white. I went there for the first time this year and let's just say I was in good shape. I was hitting the gym three or four or five times a week, eating right and playing racquetball

for about a year and a half prior to the event. Nice. I was leading a Gangnam Style life. Do you guys remember that song? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's by Psy. This email is from 2014. At the party, the girls loved me.

They were feeling my abs and talking about my workouts and being really flirty. The smoke show and all her smoke hoes said I had the best body there. But that summer, I kind of fell out of routine. I wasn't eating healthily and I started drinking. Nothing too insane, but in Ireland, we enjoy drinking beer. I started to lose my abs and then my pecs. My grades dropped and I failed my end ofof-year exams, so I have to repeat

the year. When I went back in September, talk of the pool party had already started, and girls were talking about how they couldn't wait to see me there. I must be so jacked by now. So I kind of went along with it, thinking I could go from smoke no to smoke show in five months that I had. However, my parents insisted that I should be spending more time studying and less time at the gym, and I haven't gotten any gym time in, and I'm too out of shape to even slim down. I'm still big enough that I fill out my shirt, but not so fat that it's noticeable. You can only see when I take my shirt off. So what do I do? Do I take off my shirt and have everyone laugh at me, ruining my reputation, which is already scoured after I failed my summer exams?

Or do I keep my shirt on and look like a tease or not go at all? I'm in a tough place here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Mr. Q. This is so much. First of all, every episode of this show I have listened to the show has evolved

predictably into sort of like a lame penthouse forum where guys make up stories about just kind of like girls

liking them a little bit yeah or like having sex one time that's right and how can he let them all down yes other stuff

he's too old to be in high school. He is 19. You're not supposed to be in high school anymore. I don't know how this shit goes down in Ireland. He's 20 years old in high school. Yeah. With Ireland, who can know how they do things over there?

So does this resonate? What's your guys' level of fitness? Are you in shape, out of shape? Do you vacillate between the two? Do you take pride in it? Do you not care about it? I mean, I run a little bit. I don't work out super actively.

Sean is a gym rat. I've a little bit fallen off of my routine for a while. I think when Hayes met me, I was in pretty incredible shape. And I could show you guys a photo of my torso from back then. I'd love to see that actually. That sounds great to me. Um,

would you say you were cut or jacked? I don't know. It's tough to say. You want to see the picture? Yeah. Okay. Hang on. Oh,

it's your phone background. We don't even have to pause. Yeah, you don't even have to pull it up. Let's just talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, um, well, how did you. We don't even have to pause. Yeah, you don't even have to pull it up. Let's just talk about it. Yeah, yeah. So anyway.

Well, how did you get in such good shape? Well, I was a big tennis player in high school, and I would work out, and I played tennis all the time. So the racquetball. I was pretty fit. The racquet sports strategy seems to be. I wouldn't think that that's a way to get super cut. I never look at Federer. I'm like, wow, that guy is jacked. You see Nadal, though?

Yeah, Nadal's jacked, but he's the exception to the rule. Djokovic is taking off his shirt all the time. I never see abs. He definitely has abs. He doesn't have pecs. Yeah, and I never really had great pecs, and that's the truth. This is just a lower torso pic. No, no, no, that's not true.

It's actually just your dick. I can see you're scrolling through a lot torso pic. No, no, no. That's not true. That's not true. It's actually just your dick. I can see. You're scrolling through a lot of options. Hang on. We'll find it. Because I did send it to Hayes and some friends in a text not that long ago. Hang on. Is that true?

This was in a text chain with the Doughboys. Yes. I don't remember how this came up at all. And I don't remember seeing the pic. I think I missed the picture in the chain. So I'm excited to see it now. Yeah. Hopefully I can find it. read the elements of this story the girls are saying in in october

we can't wait till january to feel your abs again that's unusual to me and then could i keep the shirt on just to tease them as they they tear it off his. Maybe it's not that impressive, but here you go. Here's what my body looked like at that time. Wow, that's really you? Yeah, so I was pretty in good shape.

This is thick. Yeah, I was pretty thick and I was working out a lot. And I also had a great, great diet. Wow. Let's talk diet. How many pounds

did you weigh at this point? This is talking about a tease. I'm waiting to see this fucking photo. Yeah. I was probably a little bit less than I am right now. Right now I'm probably about 185. I think at the time I was probably like 178 or something.

The lat definition here is really something. And the biceps, your biceps are big. So how old is that photo? That is from, I would say, 2010. The photo quality really locates it in time. Yeah, there's a little date at the bottom. That was pre-iPhone. I guess that's an early iPhone photo, yeah?

Yeah, and I do remember taking a pic being like, I should take a pic, I'm in really good shape right now. I did it with my photo booth on my laptop. On your laptop. Oh, shit. And I think it was after a morning of playing tennis and immediately working out at the gym. Yeah.

Now, I've put on a little bit of a tummy, and I can't quite seem to beat it. I can't get rid of it totally, and I'm always carrying a little five extra pounds, and I'd love to shake it. We could all do the indoor pool party challenge. Oh, yeah. With Mr. Q by end of January.

Be ready to take our shirts off and get our abs felt at the indoor pool party. Because we know there's a horde of Irish women who are tearing the shirts off of any teases. Every day, every time they see you are doing little grabby hands motions like I'm going to January. That happened to me a lot when I was

in shape is everyone wanted to grab my body. Yeah, they wanted to feel your abs, feel your thighs. I feel like whenever I'm working out a lot, it's more men that want to feel. I've never ever had a girl be like, oh my god, I need to touch your abs. A guy will put his hand on your shoulder and go like, hey, good to see you, man.

And then go, hey, wow. And start like tweeting like, whoa, we're working out, huh? I'm an asshole that does that a lot. I do that to everybody. Well, but it feels good to hear. I mean, you're putting the work in. Nice for someone to notice. I will say, I've been meaning to bring this up on our Patreon, but our third host, Carl

Tartt, said something that just meant the world to me at a writing job we had together last year where I don't remember exactly how we got there, but Carl said to everyone in the room, don't sleep on Sean's arms now. Wow. You'll never forget that. He had been noticing that I did have, you know, some big arms. I love that. And he was like, we're all ignoring this. Yeah. So he's like the school smoke show of the story.

Well. The person you want to impress with your brother. That's right. Is he jacked? Carl? He's really strong. He's very strong. Yeah.

He was, I mean, he was a college basketball player. Oh, wow. That'll do it. Are you actively trying to lose the gut? Are you like, hey, it's not happening accidentally? Well, I don't know how far we want to go into this, but actually I hurt my knee a couple years ago and I sort of had to stop running. I had gotten into pretty good shape doing a lot of like circuit training stuff and I

no longer could do like really high impact running. At least the doctor was like, don't run anymore for six months or something so i stopped and then i transferred to doing like elliptical and bike and i just could not seem to get the same like sweat going and i can't get that high intensity yeah so it didn't feel like i could burn fat really and so i still lift weights and go to the gym and do that stuff and I've recently added Pilates which I really like I know that it's traditionally considered to be a woman's

workout. I'm quietly interested in Pilates I haven't done it. LeBron does it and because of that knee injury I really wanted to be able to get back out and play tennis again because I feel like that's a fun way that I could burn this fat off. And I realized that Pilates builds all your structural muscles like around your knees and your postural muscles so that you have fewer like back and leg injuries if you get into it. So I've been trying to keep up with that and get back out there.

You never see LeBron slouching. He's never like crouched like a question mark over his iPhone, sort of like mouth breathing, checking out what to order on. Which is all I do. Imagine LeBron lying in bed for like an hour after he wakes up

just scrolling through. Instantly ignoring the warning that he's used Instagram too much today. Hitting the screen time that you don't even see the screen time warning anywhere because your thumb just instinctively is wiping it out i gotta get out of bed what are your guys routines jake

and amir what do you guys do uh i climb at the climbing gym right next door oh that's cool that's good i work out with my buddy billy who's really jacked he's like been working out since like he was 15 and he's 35 so when i go to the gym i try to go with him and then he's like been working out since like he was 15 and he's 35 so when I go to the gym I try to go with him and then he's like because when I go by myself I'm like all right I'll do three bicep exercises and like two chest and I'm starting to feel sore so I'll you know this is Billy Billy Ska Fury Billy Ska Fury that's exactly right with Billy it's like all right let's do another one let's do another one let's do another one it's like stuff that I would never actually push myself to do, which helps a lot.

Yeah, that can be really good. Yeah, it helps to have somebody stronger than you telling you what to do. And any class or something will do that too where they make you do legs and stuff that you don't want to do. Yeah. Spinning class is like the biking, but it's so high intense that I'm always leaving drenched. Oh, man. I love spinning. I've gone spinning with my wife a few times.

It's fucking great. I was getting into rowing too, which is another way that I do feel like I burn myself out really hard. So I think they do it as an element in some classes. Yeah, have you guys ever done a VersaClimb class? That's what LeBron does. LeBron does that

too. The climb lift? I've seen the machine. Yeah, it looks like a rowing machine sort of like tilted vertically. It's like fake climbing. And also stairs? I mean, there's like, it's sort of like, I guess it simulates going up and down a ladder. But you like change the resistance similar to like a bike machine. So you're like pushing and pulling with your feet and your arms.

Yeah. And you can like make the resistance go way down and do it super fast or really, really high. I had a cold this week. You think LeBron ever just has the sniffles? You think LeBron ever sneezes? I'm not going to work out. I don't feel 100%.

Yeah. But didn't he have like this? I need time to recover. Yeah. You never see him like sneeze at the line. Like he's just like dribble, like mucus coming out of his nose. Yeah. I haven't seen, I guess really any player.

I can't try to remember. Sorry, I can't answer your question. My throat is really sore. Any free throw sneeze? No, I don't think I've ever seen one. Or if like, what about a game winning shot? Yeah, he had the flu, but people were saying that was a hangover game.

And he, you never see him, you never saw him sneeze. You never saw him blow his nose. You basically never see them sneeze out there or have the hiccups. Just a game-winning three. Oh, shit. I had the yips. That's what Markel Fultz had last year.

He had the hiccups for a long time. Yeah, that's why he didn't play. What is this guy's question? How do I go to a pool party? He's going like, what do I do? Do I skip it? Do I leave the shirt on and be considered a tease which i'm really leaning toward a park yeah he should like almost take it off and be like no it's a little chilly

in here i think i might keep it on the girls like no a wetsuit yeah one of his options is like leaving the shirt on but then it's definitely it's it's him projecting what he thinks what people would will interpret it yeah well that's all of the email. Yes, that's true. Like, if I leave my shirt on, I'll be considered a tease. No, you also might be, like, people might just think

that you got fat and you're too embarrassed to take off your shirt. Which is possible. Way more likely than people thinking he's a tease. Which happens. Do you guys do any weird diets,

by the way, too? I do lots of weird diets. Carl was doing keto. I'm thinking about trying to jump off yeah i know people uh like it my brother-in-law does it jake does a lot like every two weeks he's on a different diet yeah well for the last six months um i did no grains no added sugar no um carbs and no dairy that's a lot yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I lost 20 pounds. Oh my God.

And since my wedding, I've been like introducing grains back in, but still keeping out sugar. Yeah. I try to really limit sugar. At the time that that photo is from, I lived alone. And so I was able to completely control my environment

and I bought no sweets or any, there was nothing in the house that was. And then now that i'm married it's we're a little easier about it what was it about uh committing to sharing a life with someone that made you reintroduce grains wow well i think when we we got engaged i think both of us were just like, we want to be in ridiculous shape for the wedding. Yeah. And just be like, check. I want to bench you down the aisle. I had the lamest vision was me buttoning my tuxedo shirt over a rippling eight pack.

That is all I wanted. The poster above his head. What a beautiful dream. Was she there? Was Jill part of the wedding? No, That was the poster above his head. Wow. What a beautiful dream. Was she there? Was Jill part of the wedding? No, it was black and white wedding photos. But your friends are in the room with you. My friends are in the room with me, and that was all I wanted.

And then how did Jill look in your fantasy on the wedding day? My abs were ravishing. That's all that mattered. Your best man is helping you tie your bow tie, but you're not wearing anything else. On top. The only thing you can see from Jill. Your best man is helping you tie your bow tie, but you're not wearing anything else. Tripp and Del's outfit. The only thing you can see from Jill is she's like peeking through the doorway and her eyes are saucers. She's like, oh my God, those abs.

She's a drop of drool hits the ground and reveals her to you. What was that sound? A wooga. And you did lose a lot of weight before your wedding. Yeah, I had abs on my wedding day. But was it sustainable? Were you happy? Like, did the happiness of having your body outweigh the happiness that, like, eating cereal gives you?

Absolutely. So why did you stop? I guess... You fucking coward. That's my question. Why did you stop, you little coward man's my question why did you stop you little coward man it does feel good

but it does feel Amir's a little jealous about your getting married honestly the reason you want his old buddy back the reason I introduced grains again is because I saw photos

and I was like I think I look too skinny oh too skinny yeah I was a little too thin so now I want to I just like want to bulk up I'm not giving up

on my fitness you're not eating grains because it feels good. You're doing it for your body again. It does feel never ending though, doesn't it? Like after like a week where you work out four times and you're just feeling like you're most in shape ever. You go like, was this the rest of my fucking life? I'm supposed to do this?

Like I can't, like no way. Yeah. It's more the working out that has fallen off than the diet. Cause leading up to my wedding, I was working out twice a day. And I remember just being, like, bored with working out. It's also, like, as... You have to find, like, new ways to... You work out for years and years.

And, like, some people may not even notice at all. Like, it's so much effort for, like, what's the output? Like, sometimes somebody will see you topless maybe, and they'll be like, oh, you're actually pretty strong. Whereas, like, you can eat whatever you want. That's what I was going to say too. You do feel good. Right, the mental part, the emotional part. When I quit smoking, I didn't know.

I used to smoke a pack a day, and I didn't realize cigarettes made me feel that bad. But when I stopped, I couldn't believe how much I felt good now. And it's similar with working out, where it's like I't think of like eating sweets or anything as like making me feel shitty. But I feel so much better when I am like super healthy. Yeah. When you're not eating. But it's when you're eating it, it feels good.

And then like for the next few hours, you don't feel as good. Yeah. But it just tastes so good. It's the problem. A lot of good advice for this guy. He didn't even raise the possibility of him getting in shape by the end of January and getting abs. Which is possible.

Yeah, sure. You could follow the Jake, Body by Jake. Yeah, how long did it take you to lose 20 pounds? Three months. There we go. This guy's got the time. He's right on time.

Ditch the grains. That includes your beloved Guinness. Which I know you're eating for breakfast. Christ. You pour it on your lucky charms over there in Ireland. The cool racism. The dumbbells are going to be so pissed about this episode. It's fair game.

Yeah, have you guys done the dumbbells? I did do the dumbbells, but I didn't give them this much juice. They don't deserve it. How about real quick, around the horn, what would you do if you were this guy of those three options? I would,

of the three options are, A, tease him. Uh-huh. B, please him. And C, freeze him. Oh, that's where you break all the walls in the indoor pool

so it's too cold. It's so cold outside. Everyone's putting on big parkas. You look cool for just wearing a t-shirt. I have a quick answer of if I were you, sir, Mr. Q. Let's hear it. I would just say that I had been working out three to five times a week and not say three or four or five times. Oh, I see.

That's good. It's just cleaner. Just a really, yeah. It's just cleaner. That's a sharp tip. Three or four or five. That's like three commas in there. All right, what would you do if you were them?

Would you go? Would you not? Would you? I guess I would go. Would you take your shirt off? Yeah, I think so. I'm with that. Go take your shirt off? Yeah, I think so. I'm with that. Go take your shirt off.

Own your new body. If I was as mentally unwell as this person and my perception of how people were interpreting me was as demented as it seems to be, I would not go. I would not go because it's not healthy. The most chilling part is like i still fill out my shirt whereas so it's like but not with muscle but with like fat now which means

just he's testing exactly how much he's filling up a shirt torn yet he must have like a ricky gervais type wardrobe where he's got like a shirt that's giving him shape yeah yeah because there is a thin or should I say thick, line between being beefy and strong and just fat. They sort of start to meld into the same type of body. That's what I'm hoping. God, I can't wait. All right, guys, thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thanks, fellas. I can't believe we haven't had you on before. My thoughts exactly. This felt easy. One more time, your show is your podcast. Where can people listen to you two? Hollywood Handbook. Please.

Everywhere you get a podcast. And we've been on that show, so you guys can start with our episode. A couple times, I think, right? Yeah, a couple times. You've been on twice. I've been on twice. Both funny. Yeah, no, both of them.

The hardest I ever laughed is when we guessed it on your show. It's so fucking funny. It was really fun. Those are both classic episodes. People still ask me online, like, were you really mad at those guys? It's a good performance. You do seem to be getting really fun. Those are both classic episodes. People still ask me online, like, were you really mad at those guys? It's a good performance. You do seem to be getting really frustrated, and Jake supports us

in such a nice, subtle way, where he's just like, well, I don't know, Amir, why don't you give it a shot? And you seem to get so mad. People think I'm legit mad at you guys, which I was, but I'm not anymore is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, we're all, we've all got Patreons now, we're all rich. That's fine.

And then, oh yeah, your basketball podcast. The flagrant ones. The flagrant ones on Patreon. You guys should come on my basketball show too. And vice versa. Yeah, I would love that. Let's exchange. Let's talk hoops.

Let's talk b-balls. Jake, is there anything we need to say before we leave? No. All right, great. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week. The opening theme song was written by Calvin. This closing one, Calvin as well.

This guy just keeps giving us the hits. If you have any questions. His patients are suffering for it. If you have any more questions or theme songs. Calvin's peeing on not doing music. I'm going to plug your basketball podcast for you. On my show? Yeah. Amazing.

The episode where you did the over-under draft. I was jealous of that format of draft and bet. I was like, oh, this is a really cool, fun gamble. Oh, thank you. I did it last year with my buddies just for fun, and it turned out really fun. What is the over-under bet? You basically draft.

Thanks for listening to it. It came out just the other day. You basically draft teams against the Vegas line. So I drafted the Lakers over, so I get points if they go over 48.5. And you get a point for every game they go over. Right. And if you're wrong, you're subtracted points. That's right.

So if they finish with 40, I get a minus 8.5. And it's the best cumulative score. Thanks for coming on the show and talking about my podcast. I was gonna say, if you have any questions or theme song submissions, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. Bye. that was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.