Segments - 354: Hot Professor

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

In this episode we discuss pausing a romance, popping the question, and how to reheat french fries.For more "If I Were You" check out Patreon.com/JA for bonus video episodes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only If I were you I would tell you what I would do You should send an email to TwoCoinJews J. Winters, Moella, Kobe too

Making lots of jokes like no one does So if you've seize the cheese fence And the pinch will put your mind at ease When the Game Boy wins the game And John Wolfe is throwing down I say toe-toad to Mondays Yes, due to when it's a bonus Thursday If I were you show

If I were you show If I were you show If I were you show dot If I were you show If I were you show If I were you show If I were you show dot com Yeah, Shanoivan, that parody.

Love it. The acoustic version of Jake hit him with a real song. It's fucking killing me. I can't. It's on the tip of my ass. Because it's a song you love, but it's an acoustic version of that song, which doesn't exist. And then also they changed the lyrics. Feel like giving.

It's a Blink-182 song. Yes. Oh my God. Stop laughing for a second. You're fucking me up. It's been 40 minutes. You really have to guess. If I were you show, if I were you show. Oh, wait, is it Josie?

It is Josie. Yeah. Everything's gonna be fun. Oh my God. Now you got to listen to it again with that. Oh man. I love Josie too. That'd be a good cover. Just an acoustic cover in general. It sounded really good. Yeah. It's a pretty song, isn't it? There probably is an acoustic cover at this point. There's gotta be. There's an acoustic cover of everything. What's the deal with Josie? What do you know about Josie, the song? Why is it called that? Because it should be called like everything's going to be fine or something. They never say Josie, right?

Right. I think it's theoretically about a girl named Josie. And it's like about his girlfriend. Right. Takes collect calls from the road. This is why I love this girl named Josie. But I don't think Josie was a real person. And I do believe in Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, the Blink-182 album, there is a song. I don't remember what it's called, but Mark says the name Josie.

Oh. He says, Josie, you're my source of most frustration. So he, at first he loved Josie. Yeah, they went sour. But I don't think that she was ever real. I think it's just some kind of like... There should be a story about all these girls from popular rap or rock and roll songs

throughout the years. Like Delilah is a real person. Is Josie a real person? I believe the Counting Crows had... Who is it? The Counting Crows had, who is it? The Counting Crows have one. About a girl? Well, like it's, her name is in all of the songs.

Oh, and it's fictional? A metaphorical, the royal girl? I think there is, there was like some article about like the real, I forget her name now. It's not Anna, is it? What about Layla? Is that a real woman? Layla's a real person a real woman yeah uh-huh got me on my knees and all that yeah isn't it like clapton was trying to steal the wife of like some other rock star oh yeah a beetle yeah so josie is leila's daughter really yeah i guess it's all in the same universe

and that's how you can trace it all back to Eve. That's so cool. Yeah, which is kind of biblical and interesting. We are two weeks deep into our Patreon now. Two weeks ago was our big announcement. Last week was our Hayes and Sean episode. This week we're three, no, sorry, two weeks deep starting today. We have five episodes plus the bonus dupes to watch. We got people commenting. We got watch. We got people commenting. We got feedback.

We got live streams. Thursday, we dropped Milkman. Yeah, the Milkman two-parter. So Ben is watching Milkman part one and two with us, and that's online too. Now that it's up and running, what do you know? What do you like? Let's get some quick feedback. Quick feedback. do you know what do you like let's get some quick feedback um quick feedback um one i i think of

every member of our patreon as a true day one okay anyone who signs up after hearing me discuss it today is official day two oh so you're going every two weeks is a day that's right so we can change the tier name now yeah to. To the day twos. Day twos. Fuck yous. Okay. Just kidding. I still like you.

You're still a day one in my heart. How about day one at the end of today? At the end of the month. Okay. So an October. You have until October 31st. October 28th. This is coming out, I think, October 28th.

And, sorry, the 29th. Up until October, this is still a day one. Yeah, you can still be a day one. I think, I mean, to me, the only, the most exciting thing about the Patreon is the new web series that we're going to do. Interesting. Yeah. The stretch goal. The stretch, stretch goal.

Yeah. So all this stuff is sort of to drum up interest and excitement because we just know our fans would want to hear this stuff yeah but the goal is not to provide commentary on our old videos forever and ever i mean that's it's really fun and i think we should we won't stop doing it we'll do all 800 and these episodes are like 15 minutes really they're fun to watch um we got some feedback and i think they're fun to watch. We got some feedback and I think they're going to be even better moving forward.

We're going to take more time to pause the videos and like discuss them more in depth. Discuss, dissect, show. I also think I said this to you on text, but like the first,

in our first batch, I like went in purposefully cold, like having not seen any of the videos because I was like, I want to like seefully cold, like having not seen any of the videos. Because I was like, I want to like see my live reaction. Yeah. And I feel like I could serve the purpose of like the end product better going into every video a little bit more of an expert. Right.

If you read the scripts, maybe there's a rough draft. Maybe there's a what did it look like originally or the email that you first sent that included that word. Yeah. There's also something fun about when we find those emails, you see who our producers were, because we had a few different producers. Yeah, and they were the unfortunate ones in charge of getting the shit that we needed to shoot.

And sometimes we're like, we don't need anything for this, but we do need a Milkman outfit for Ben, and it's like the day before we shoot. And we talk about it in the milkman episode that when ben and us uh did these videos it was very loosely scripted and it was just emails flying back and forth we actually read the email chain during the milkman episode with the email chain is the script and it is all just a batshit crazy brainstorm from ben and ben alone yeah at one point Ben suggests becoming the cottage cheese man and then he suggests

being the doctor. Did cottage cheese make it into the final one? No, I don't think the cottage cheese joke did. But we're reading these scripts and we're reading these outlines and we're reading these brainstorms and you can see how far away they are from what we ended up shooting. Yeah. I definitely

I remember having the idea to push Jeff like totally randomly. And we're like, Jeff, can we push you for this video? Right. Okay. And now it's like one of the more famous Jake and your gifts is like the one that Ben gets sent a lot has been just shoving someone proudly at the

beginning. It really is so fun. And then we talk about how like Stoney sort of took the, the video itself and then made it a song. And now we can't even watch the video without thinking of that song. That Stoney song is what we came out to on our first tour in London. That's right. And it's also what we came out to, what Ben walked on stage to when he surprised the crowd in London.

That's right. A few years later. Yeah, and they just went crazy. I don't know if I said that in the video, but I'm saying it now. And what was I going to say? The, listen, no. Oh, I was saying, one,

we should have Stoney on the show. Oh, yeah. To talk about the songs that he made and how the hell he made them. That's true. Because like, when I'm watching the videos and you're like, no, no, no, listen up, everybody. This is the guy that sucked my dick.

Like, you can't not hear the song. That's true. He took it and ran with it. And then I was thinking of what we can add because as of right now, we hit our first goal of 1,000, hit our first goal of 2,500. We have another one at 10,000. But in between the two, different milestones to like help us get there. That's right. Videos that we can drop to keep people excited,

engaged, entertained. And Mars just showed me, she took a video of my best man speech at your wedding, subtitled it. So it's kind of like lost archival footage. It's not incredibly sharp. It's not incredibly clear. The caveat,

but there is a video, there is a video with subtitle and you can hear my speech. I say we drop it in for the 5,000. I watched it. It was great. There we go. And you were there live. And I was there and it held up. So let's drop it into the Patreon at 5,000 patrons. We release that to anybody that's subscribed. Sweet. I also, my wedding photos just came in yesterday. I will upload the entire album in Zip Drive. Carte Blanche. Just black and white, real intimate, first reveal.

And a boudoir book that you made. There's photos of all the speeches, but yours are especially funny because like, it's, they're like photos of you giving your speech and then they're just like photos of all around like everybody like dying laughing. Oh, that's great.

And then there's like a photo, a photo of me with Jill cracking up and my head is just in my hands. Because your speech was essentially a roast of me. Yeah. I tried to make it not as roasty,

but I could not make it too roasty. No. I mean, on second watch, I realized that you lay into me. And you know, in a roast, you usually lay into somebody and you're like... You end on a high note. But no one's better than Jake. He's like, you know, whatever. Right.

You say none of that. Yeah. I did a pump fake. The one nice thing you say at the end is about Jill. Uh-huh. I wanted to make sure she was happy on her special day. Yeah. But no apology.

Not a, no, no, yeah. Well, when we get to 5,000, you guys will see for yourself. We can actually upload those photos. Every time you do a post, I'm learning about Patreon. You can upload photos to accompany it. So maybe we can upload some private wedding photos as well. Oh, very nice. All of the ones of us getting ready.

Yeah. Oh, we did. Did we ever talk about the gift, the groom's gift that I gave you guys? No. I don't know if we did. Yeah. But there are good photos of that too.

I, for, for the groom's gift, I got all of my groomsmen. Well, save it for the Patreon. Really? At 7,000, we do the reveal. Every single patron has a grand reveal. Every number is a goal. Every thousand.

If we get to 11,000, we'll start the new web series and I'll give you a groom's gift. No, you can say what the groom's gifts are. So I got everybody cufflinks in the form of their spirit animal. That's right. I got Carnell a frog. Because I had already gotten him bear cufflinks, I know he's mama bear, but him and I texted each other lots of gifs

of frogs for some reason. He's also a huge Trump supporter, so he's kind of like got that pet-o frog. Yeah. I got Dave a pig because he's the most melly with the most belly. Of course. I got Jeff a fox because he's sort of sly and sexy but also a little furtive,

secretive, shy like a fox. My brother a tiger because he just likes Bengali beer. He is strong and fierce like a tiger. I got myself a hawk

because that's my favorite bird. And I got you a tiny little chipmunk. Yeah, why was that? I didn't quite understand the chipmunk part of it. Yeah, I guess it's not really the spirit animal as much as you're a chipmunk. Yeah, why was that? I didn't quite understand the chipmunk part of it. Yeah, I guess it's not really the spirit animal

as much as you're a chipmunk, so I just got you something to represent you. I'm not really, though. Like, I'm not really a chipmunk, and I don't really consider myself to be a chipmunk. I think it's fun that you...

I guess it's part of the mystique, part of the charm that you could consider yourself a real boy. Human, yeah. I mean, I don't consider myself a real boy. I'm an adult man, a male.

Obviously, walking, talking. You're wearing shorts right now. Where do you buy your clothing from? I buy them from wherever. I got this one at maybe a sporting goods store. I'm just wondering, because male pants have just two leg holes in the waist.

That's what I have. What do you do for your tail? Your sweet little bushy tail. Your adorable little fluffer tail. I did do this. I did slit a little hole in the back, but it's not because I have a tail. I do. Okay. I have what's called a pronounced coccyx. So like it looks like I had a tail removed.

Is it fuzzy? Yeah. It's a little bushy, like kind of like a bump. All right. It's kind of like a bushy little bump. Okay. And when I'm excited, it like. Wax. Yeah, exactly like that. Okay, cool. So that's why I got you this cuff bump. All right. It's kind of like a bushy little bump. Okay. And when I'm excited, it like... Wax.

Yeah, exactly like that. Okay, cool. So that's why I got you this cufflinks. Got it. I like them a lot. Yeah. They're cute.

Just like me. All right. So thanks to everybody that signed up for our Patreon so far. We appreciate the feedback. Thanks to everyone who's been weighing in,

helping us groom and make it better so we can know what to provide you with. And again, at 5,000 patrons, we're dropping that best man speech. And I don't care who knows it. We make a post today about suggestions for content that we can put in there. Yeah.

So if you're listening to this now and you want to weigh in and let us know what you'd like to see. Yeah. It's kind of like a new forum in there. We can post and people can respond and we can respond to their responses. It's a little like a new forum in there. We can post and people can respond and we can respond to their responses. It's a little bit like Reddit in that regard. Have you thought about the new web series at all? No. I know that I lean towards almost like super hyper-realistic mockumentary type stuff, which we haven't really done before. All our stuff is very like stylized and like character rich.

But imagine if it was like shot almost like The Office or something. What would that look like? Confessionals. Yeah, confessionals. Stuff that like, I like stuff that seems real even though it's not. You know what I mean? Like almost like, wait, is that accurate? Like are they acting right there?

And we'd be in it. Yeah, we'd be the stars of that. Mockumentary type show. Could be an angle to do. Blurring the lines even further. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, like, everything I've said so far has been scripted. Do you know that? Yeah, yeah.

I'm reading the same script. Yeah, yeah. I'm reading the same script. All right, here we are. Talk scripts at each other. Giggles, giggles, laughs into the microphone, stumbles a little bit. All right, let's read some questions. This is an advice show. After all, people are sending us emails. This is an advice show. After all, people are sending us emails. They're in sticky situations. They're in need of our guidance, our wisdom, our advice. We do our best to provide it. Again, on our Patreon is a 30-minute bi-weekly,

every other week, video version of this podcast. But we're never, ever letting go of this free version. Yes. So why don't we get into this really salacious question from a 21-year-old female who's in love with her professor in his early 30s. Early 30s. That's my age, man. That's right. We'll call this lady Zinda. Why not Josie? Josie's good, actually.

Yeah. Because I was going to say Zindal. Zindal. But that doesn't make sense. Yeah, no. Josie writes, I'm going to try to do this all in one breath. You said it was really long.

Yeah, it's like several paragraphs. Ready? Okay. God, it sounds like you can't even say a sentence without a really deep breath. College started back up in the beginning of September, and I was obviously pretty bummed out since I fucking hate school. You get that?

Sure do. Dropped out, baby. However, two days in, I went to my first chemistry lecture of the year. And the professor was the sexiest man I have ever seen in my fucking life. Now, I know it's cliche and hard to believe. But he was so unbelievably gorgeous. Think Theo James, but I'd argue even more attractive. Do you know who Theo James is? I just Googled him and I do. Who? He was in the Divergent series. Okay. It's not really

something you would know. It's one of those lame action movies that I watched when I've watched literally every other action movie. What does he look like? Does he look like Jonathan Brandis kind of style? Does he have like a Bieber mentality or is he like a hot sort of like a Matthew Fox meets Ben Affleck pronounced, chiseled beard. I think he's Bieber meets Affleck in a way. He's got the kind of like kissable lips. Oh, I see. He's sort of a Taylor Lautner type. He's a little taller.

He's lankier. Yeah. I don't know that he's super hot. Like he looks kind of off to me, you know? Anyway, so she's in love with their professor. I couldn't believe that he was my professor. I could hear girls talking about how hot he was, and I felt like I was in an anime or something.

I don't know if that happens in anime, question mark. So she feels like she's in an anime, even though she doesn't know that this happens in anime. Totally. But the idea of schoolgirls giggling at a cute professor just feels anime to her. That makes sense. Oh, wow, Theo James is the same age as me. Exactly? Not exactly. schoolgirls giggling at a cute professor just feels anime to her that makes sense oh wow theo

james is the same age as me exactly not exactly he's a little older so what you have time to catch up or something like i don't need to catch up oh you think you're hotter than theo not hotter but as what as hot got it as hot as hot as mate anyway as mate we thought we got through the lecture but some of it wasn't sticking with me so i decided to hold back after the class and ask the professor some more in-depth questions honestly i wasn't trying to fuck he was way out of my league but much to my surprise he felt almost maybe kind of flirting with me. He was making a lot of jokes and touched my shoulder a few times. So scandalous. It's the next week, which was a lab. It alternates between labs and lectures weekly, and I show up ready to go. It

was partner work, but I unfortunately got stuck with no partner since everyone pairs up quickly. I found myself falling behind everyone else and struggling with some aspects. The professor noticed amongst the essentially sea of students and came to my rescue. He helped me set up my slides. This was written by Theo James. Yeah, this was written by the chemistry teacher. He helped me set up my slides and taught me how to adjust the lens on my microscope. All that fun stuff.

He then repeated the same as last time, making a lot of jokes, placing his hand on my back this time. I thanked him for his assistance and then sneakily watched as he went to the other students. And he wasn't being nearly as friendly with them and was being much more matter-of-fact and to the point. So I start to think that maybe he thinks I'm cute or whatever. I have guys hitting on me often, and people in my life seem to think I'm not ugly. Shocking to me, I'm humble. Winky emoji. I decided to see where this goes, and I asked him to come back for more help. He is being very friendly, and I start switching the topic to non-chemistry related things. He asks what my

plans are for the weekend, and I conveniently have none. I sort of expected him to ask me out at this point, since historically that's the follow-up question, but he doesn't. So I make a comment about how we should do something together, more of a joke, but again, I'll take what I can get, though he is out of my league. He says that he would love to, but he's out of town that weekend. I leave it at that so as to not come across as pushy. You get it so far, right? Yeah.

Flirting. Chemistry is at an all-time high, ironically enough. Very nice. And now he's asking her what she's up to this weekend he's like sorry i can't hang out i'm out of town the following week's classes the flirting ensues at this point he knows my name and he almost goes out of my way to greet me when i walk through the door it's been six or seven weeks at this point we're basically married note that he does not do this with the other students. Oh, I bet she notices

that very clearly. It's now reading week, which is a week off and it's Friday night. I'm going to go get fucked up with my two friends at a new bar and club that I've never been to. In fact, I had never been to a club before last night. We walk in and start drinking a little bit, eating some delicious deep fried pickles, which is classic club fare. So hot. When you're grinding, you want that oily sourness. I'm scanning the crowd trying to see if there's any cute boys I could gush about to my friends when I see my fucking professor. Theo James.

Theo James. I start freaking out. My friends are freaking out. They keep pushing me to go talk to him, but that would be fucking weird, so I just pretend like he's not there. And I order another drink, then another, then my friends order some more. Anyway, I'm starting to get a little drunk at this point. In like 30 minutes, I'll probably be very drunk. Oh, no.

My professor then somehow spots me and comes up to chat. I make a joke about how weird it is that one of my teachers actually has a life. He starts joking back. That's right. He keeps leaning into me to talk to me and he's speaking into my ear since the music and people are so loud. And this gets me fucking going. I'm literally Niagara Falls wet. That's right. How many metric tons of fucking liquid is that? I'm so certain now that this was written by the professor. Vodka makes me horny anyway, but this sexy ass man whispering into my ear is making me drown.

Oh my God. I try my- Anyway, I killed the entire bar. Everyone drowned. Everyone surfs out. I try my best to be sexy and continue joking with him, getting more drunk. I figured he definitely likes me at this point, and I try to seduce

him by asking if he wants to go to the washroom with me. I'm cringing so hard as I type this I want to die. Please know I'm not typically like this. He again laughs, but brushes me off. I'm cringing so hard as I type this I want to die. Please know I'm not typically like this. He again laughs but brushes me off. I assume he's just being gentlemanly and I let him know that he doesn't have to be by putting my hand around his neck and head and then leaning in to say this to him. I'm being serious. I really want you. Then I lean up to make out with him. Oh, pickle breath. I get as far as my mouth touching his and he pulls

away. He looks really horrified and I feel fucking stupid. As I type this, my face is so fucking red I'm going to puke from embarrassment. I drunkenly apologize, then stumble back to my friends, literally crying from shame. Oh no. My friends start

dying laughing and I pout at the table for the rest of the night. I am now just fucking dreading the fact that I ever have to go back to class. So here are my questions. How do I proceed with this? Should I avoid him or bring it up next time I see him? Do you guys think that it seems like he's interested

in me? Thank you for reading this. Again, I love you guys. Good luck with the Patreon too. Wow. What a for reading this. Again, I love you guys. Good luck with the Patreon too. Wow. What a tale. Okay. So, what do you make of all this? I think he was horrified based entirely on the deep

fried pickles. Oh, you think he isn't to her? That's the thing. She definitely came onto him in a very cringey way. Like... Strong. She didn't close correctly.

But I think all signs were pointing to the fact that he was into her. Yeah. He was definitely flirting with her. He was definitely, like, making moves to come over to her at the bar yeah i mean i think that he might have just pulled away because he didn't want to kiss you publicly oh if he has other students in the bar yeah of course so that's so you say he still might be into her yeah quick caveat i don't know what the rules are at college and if this is like creepy as fuck or not you know like i think it's legal and i think it's based on certain colleges not even um fireable then again i'm basing this on my friend

who's a professor at a canadian university so he tells me in canada it's fine i don't know the rules in america i do remember that like kelly dated professor on Saved by the Bell. Was it Jeff? Was it? I think so. Because, you know, it's of legal age, 21 and 30 something. So the age itself is not a thing. They're also not boss and employee. So it's not like a workplace harassment sort of thing.

But I would say it's a gray area. Yeah. And maybe that's what's causing him to pull back a little bit. Definitely. And maybe that's what's causing him to pull back a little bit. Even if it's like, you know, fine at the college, I think there's still like the social aspect of it where he like doesn't want to be seen as like a teacher who's hooking up with students. Is he a straight up teacher? Not like a professor? Yeah. I mean, that's.

That's a pretty cool job for a hot person. I don't. But I don't think that's like you can go to the bars and hook up with your students. Yeah, level. No. And maybe you were wasted and he wasn't as well. Right. It sounds like you were very drunk. I think

I stand by that you guys were flirting, trending towards hooking up, and you just made it a little too hot at the end. You accelerated and didn't time it quite right. So what do you think about this for a plan? You go back to class, you don't like avoid them. You don't say, make a big deal out of this. And you just sort of wait until the end of the semester. Then you see if he asks you out. If he

doesn't, then you can ask him out. He's no longer your teacher. Maybe the attraction's still there. You wait for him to do the work by asking you out. And if he doesn't, then you can ask him out. I like that. But the issue still stands up. Like she doesn't even want to go back to class. She doesn't want to like walk into lab on Monday, not be able to find a partner. And then like the teacher comes and comes and has to, like, I don't know. That's very uncomfortable, which is why I think you go in shit-faced wasted. Still wasted, yeah. In that dress.

Fried pickles, anyone? You assume she's British. Oh! Yeah, yeah. I have a deep fried pickle in. So you're still acting like you're in the club. Oh! You're talking loud as if there's loud music.

I'm drowning in my vaginal fluid, mate. Yeah. Help me. Can you show me where the microscopes are? Oh, I'll show you where a microscope is. So you're still talking as though you're a drunk British waitress at a deep house club. That's right. You're still wearing cocktail attire.

Remember that bit that we were doing in London of a lady on her hen do? A 95-year-old lady on a bachelorette party. I think it was a bachelorette party who got, like, trapped in some sort of,

like, demon, ancient demon's body. Yeah. She was cursed to an old woman's body for making fun of somebody on her hen-do. So in England, in the UK,

a bachelorette party is called a hen-do. Hen-do, yeah. So this character... There's a stag party? Yeah. And a hen-do! And a hen-do! So this lady has been cursed.

She's now an 88-year-old looking woman, even though she's 26, on her hen do. I was on my hen do. And I saw this old bugger. Yeah. And we made fun of her. Yeah. And then she swallowed my soul.

She cursed you. She cursed me to eternity, yeah. And now I'm on my hen do forever. And I'm in this wrinkled old body. You're stuck in a bachelorette party. This is hell. It's hell do. It's hell.

I thought it was a hen do. That's our show. Yeah. That's our new Patreon web series. That's the new Patreon web series. It's called Hell Do. That's not bad. And it's about a 98-year-old who's stuck on a bachelorette party that will never end.

And it's a mockumentary. Super real. That's right. Shot cinema verite style. All on an iPhone 4. iPhone 4? I'm buying you! Do you think he seems interested in me? We do.

But how do you go back to class? Do you avoid him? Do you act cool? Do you act as cool as you possibly can? Yeah, I think there's no... You can't drop the class. Just pretend like nothing ever happened. Oh.

And he's probably doing the same thing. Yeah, he doesn't want to bring it up either. Yeah. And I also think there's a chance, a chance, that after you play it cool, he comes back and is like, sorry about the other night.

I just didn't want to kiss you in a big crowded bar. What if you act completely cool, but your shirt says, I'm sorry? So it's kind of like a cheeky little nod. Like, hey, how's it going? This weekend was weird, right? And her shirt says in big block letters, I'm sorry.

Yeah, that's interesting. It's cheeky. It's cheeky. But it's perfect for a new. And do give us a follow up up on this. I definitely want to see where it goes especially if this dude is theo freaking james now that i know what he looks like game over uh all right let's take a break we'll thank some sponsors and we'll be back with more questions

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chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot.

This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then hail Mary is when you chuck it, right?

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Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer.

Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Jake slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming!

Gross. All right. I actually don't, but guess what? What? We've got a special surprise guest caller. No. Yeah. How did you? Mama Bear, Mike Carnell is on the line, on the horn, on my phone. Oh my God, if we did this right, we're also recording his voice. Mike Carnell, can you hear us? I can hear you loud and clear,

boys. Happy to be here. Do I have to pay the Patreon fee in order to keep going? This is a master tier, actually. So that's going to be $24.99 a month. Yeah, you can Venmo Jake directly. I'd hate for Patreon to get a cut of that money. Nice. Venmo just came through, Mike. That is very generous.

Wow. I love the content. I love your entrepreneurial spirit. Happy to support you. Awesome. Well, thanks so much for calling in. We'll talk to you later. Wait.

All right. Cool, man. No, what is it? Why are we calling? What's your piece of unsolicited advice? Oh, my unsolicited advice. I'll give two. One, and this is something I'll pass on to my children as well. Don't order French fries delivery. They never are good. They get soggy. You know, they put them in these styrofoam containers. It steams up. You're going to get a lot of condensation on the top of that lid. Yeah. And that's going to transfer to your fries. They really are always bad.

It's funny. Like, you never see styrofoam anywhere. It's a very poor way to store your fries. And, you know, just from people out there, I would say get a different side that might hold up upon delivery because I've been disappointed multiple, multiple times in my life

with the quality of my fries. Yeah, I think almost every time I've been disappointed, but I don't stop. No one's ever told me to stop till now because even a bad fry is pretty good. Well, I mean, and my other, you know, a little small piece of that is if they are a little bit soggy, don't do the microwave.

Because that water from that condensation is going to get into the fries and it's going to make them soggier. What you want to do is you're going to want to crisp those up in a saute pan. Oh. This is a cooking podcast, right? Yeah, it is now. So you're pan frying. You're not even oven baking it.

I've done the pan frying you don't want to oven it takes forever interesting and and jake i don't have to tell you that those same properties of the pizza crust that's going to transfer over to the fries so you're going to want to crisp those up on a nice let's call it a cast iron or or a non-stick at a certain point i'm cooking the food they should be paying me. Hell yeah. The delivery? No, the food, the restaurant. Yeah, the delivery guy. I want him to pay me cash.

The delivery guy is the middleman. Hey, give me my tip back, you piece of shit. I'm cooking these myself. All right, that's a solid tip. That's a really good tip. Number two? Number two. I guess my second piece of unsolicited advice is buy your tickets to our live show this Halloween. Yeah.

Halloween is on. I know we have a lot of Jake and Amir fans listening to your podcast, of course. Of course. And those fans might also be fans of the Rosenberg twins. That's right. Who have made a couple appearances. Now, for those of you guys who don't know, me, Dave, and Jeff, we do a little pod, and we're throwing a live show in Brooklyn, New York,

this Halloween. It's got a costume contest. I made a trophy from scratch by hand. Wow. You really did. It looks beautiful. Yeah, Dave ruptured a disc in his back, so he might be out in a wheelchair and in pain.

If you better want to see him cry, I would say this is your chance. Is Dave hurt every live show? I'm trying to think of a live show where he didn't have a different injury. Yeah, because the first Twinnovation one, he had run into the speaker. He banged his knee. We're actually currently in litigation with

North Door in Austin because it was too dark and he shouldn't. It was too dark and it's their fault he ran into that. It was too dark. And then the next year at North Door, he injured his shoulder arm-wrestling dick on stage. Yeah. Still in litigation. They should have.

It was an unsanctioned match, and they should have let us do it. And now what does he have? He has a disc in his back? He was distressed from the two lawsuits, a ruptured disc. Oh, my God. You hate to see that.

I think he has a herniated disc on top of his sciatic nerve and also a ruptured disc. He got a big shot. Someone has to go to the show just to see that. Yeah, he's always Marge Simpson for Halloween, if anyone's interested. And we're thinking about wheeling him out like Marge Simpson, but in a Hannibal Lecter mask or something like that. That'll be good for this. To help him feel better and to be able to keep the wheels in motion of his wheelchair, which he will be using. Some sort of weird cosplay.

So how do people get tickets to the show? Well, guys, you're going to want to go to bit.ly, B-I-T dot L-Y slash HallowMane. Now, you can't just type HallowMane. You're going to want to hit that caps lock before you hit Hall you get Halloween because Jeff doesn't know how to set up custom links. And for some reason, he didn't realize it was cat. It was cap sensitive and he did it all in caps because quote, he wanted to grab attention. But we've had a lot of people putting it in lowercase. It doesn't work. You want to keep it caps. Halloween is spelledain is spelled H-A double L-O-W N-A-Y-N-E.

And you know, actually, the HallowMain ticket link is my Instagram bio. That's right. I took out the Patreon, and I put the HallowMain Instagram bio link. And it'll stay there past Halloween. Yeah, I don't even give a fuck. Also, buying tickets to

this show was my unsolicited advice, I believe, two weeks ago. So if you don't trust me, trust Mike. Yeah, we're trying to pack the house. I think we're trying to get to 200 people, and we're going to have a live performance of our intro, which is what we just

found out. A lot of people were fans of the podcast. We're actually going to have the guy come rap it. We got Miles Felix, our DJ in the house. We've got some fun inventions. And of course, the costume contest. Plus, if you come and you bring five friends, my other offer,

and I've offered this to our fans as well. If you can prove that you brought five friends, I will give you one personal item from my home. Anything they want? No, I will give you one personal item from my home. Anything they want? No, I choose. I want the TV, dude. I want that new lamp, man.

I'll take the 65-inch plasma. Shit, I really thought you were going to say pencil. 65-inch pencil, dude. You know that one I keep in my room. I am offering this up to all fans. If you can prove that you're bringing five people, I will bring you a personal item from my house.

And again, that's bit.ly slash HallowMain in all caps, baby. Holy shit. So this is like a Twinnovation-themed party, basically. Yeah, and I think Dave's been living in L.A., so a lot of people don't get to party with us. But Jake, you can attest that we fucking go hard. Yeah, and it's at Littlefields, right? Littlefields just has a bar.

I remember when me and Amir did our first show at Littlefields, we just hung out for the next three hours and got drunk with people. And that's what we're doing. The stores are at 7.30, shows at 8.30, probably done by 9. We'll party for three hours if you live in New York or if you've got to go back. We can get you on the road home by midnight, and that's pretty reasonable for a Halloween night. Or you could stay out late and party with the boys.

Yeah, dude, it's a Wednesday. People should turn up on Wednesday. Wednesday's the new Thursday. That's what I was saying. And if you bring ten friends to the show, I can tell you one deep, dark secret about Jake that I promise to take to the grave. Let's give it a teaser.

Teaser right now. This is so fun. This is the first half of the secret. Jake that I promise to take to the grave. Let's give it a teaser. Teaser right now. This is so fun. What's the first half of the secret? Yeah, okay, you want to hear one? No. Just the first half. Drop the call. Hang up on him.

Then buy 10 tickets, Bloom. I'm going to give that shit away for free. I'm a businessman. Good luck. Good man. Good fight. Good night. Thanks for calling in.

Thanks, Mikey. Thanks for having me, boys. I love you. Love you, too. We'll see you soon. What a thrill. Our first call in. Huge. I'm wearing headphones. He didn't mention our big piece of news. It, Mikey. Thanks for having me, boys. I love you. Love you, too. We'll see you soon. What a thrill. Our first call-in. Huge. I'm wearing headphones. He didn't mention

our big piece of news. It's weird. He, like, came on and talked about his show, but he didn't talk about ours. So much is going on these days between the Patreon, Twinnovation live show, and now Lonely and Horny Season 2 is coming out next week. I believe a week from today, if you're listening to this on a Monday.

It's coming out Monday, November 5th on Dropout. Yeah. What's that custom URL to let them know that we sent them? It was a, oh, signup.dropout.tv

slash lonely and horny. Yeah. And season one is on there right now in its entirety. Correctamundo. And then season two, first episode drops

in a week. I'm excited for people to see this. I feel like they already have just because we shot it last year. Because we watched it so many times as we were editing it, too. Yeah, so we're inching very close to the

debut of season two of Lonely and Horny on Dropout. And the more you guys watch it, the more you guys talk about it, the more you guys ask for season three, the better our chances are. And that'd be really dope. So, let them know you like it. Sign up. Signup.dropout.tv slash Lonely and Horny.

All right. Let's try to answer some more questions. That first one was epic. Solid Q. It was a story and a half. For the ages. Let's see if we got a couple. Literally, because 21 to 33.

Yeah. I guess any question is for the ages because everyone has ages in it. Don't belittle my points. Sorry. Let's go. What else do you want to... Another lady, Blink-182 themed or otherwise. Let's call this Lady Layla.

Another song about another lady. Hope married life is treating Jake well. Speaking of marriage, my boyfriend of seven months just popped the goddamn question. Huh? With a huge gorgeous ring, I told him that I had to think about it. Naturally, he's not pleased. I'm 25 and

in my final year of veterinary school. He's 35 and has a fancy job. I love him to death, but I don't want to get married straight out of college. I told him I didn't think we'd break up, but I haven't lived a life where I'm not studying all the time. Is it unreasonable to think that I should be able to graduate and live life without being someone's wife? I don't want to break up, but it's only been seven months. All my friends think he's this dreamy guy who loves me. But all I can think about is all the years in my 20s that I missed when my nose was in the books. Can I say no and have it not ruin us? Thanks.

Love you too, Jews. Yeah, wow. How sure were you that Jill was going to say yes when you proposed like this is not a i can't imagine flipping a coin and just hoping for the best at this getting a ring and being like all right i'm gonna ask it's a 50 50 no one fucking knows well let's hope she says yes i got that the ring's nice enough yeah i don't even want to like go in for a kiss if i'm not 99 sure but if i'm popping the question making sure that i really want to ensure that somebody is willing to spend the rest of my

life with me i mean when there was no chance that jill was going to say that we had talked about our wedding a lot yeah like you want to you want to do it too late rather than too early there was no surprise there no it's just the surprise as to when that there was there. Yeah. The surprise is like exactly when and how and what the ring will look like. And some people are even choosing the rings together nowadays. Yeah. That definitely happens.

Like, I don't know about a ring. Let's decide on a ring together and I'll pop the questions sometimes in the next whenever long. And some people too like want to get their venue booked because venues book up two years in advance. And then it's like, okay, now let's pop the question sometime in the next year. Yeah, because we got a wedding in a year and a half. That's funny. Can she say no and have it not ruin the relationship?

I mean, if you're... Listen to the question you wrote, lady. You aren't sure. You don't want to do it. The only reason that you think you should do it is because your friends said you should and because you feel bad for the guy. That's not a good reason to get married to somebody. But there's a difference between no and maybe I just don't know yet.

Well, I mean, maybe I just don't know yet is essentially no. It's not like... No feels like no and it's over. We're never going to get married. But then there's no, not now. Yeah. get married. But then there's no, not now. Yeah. I think you can get over a no, not now. Totally.

Because then it's like, let me just delay the decision. I think it's selfish of this guy to ask you after seven months while you're still in school and not even discuss it with you. Yeah, I think he went for it because he's a charming 35 year old either time's running out let's just fucking go for it yeah but you have to just like i'm not saying you have to like discuss your wedding details and be like we're definitely gonna get married but you should like have a better idea on the table like i definitely talked about marriage with with jill even like beyond like a cursory amount in like the first year or two you know just to have test the waters the first year or two and this is not even like it's been like half a year in the first year or two i like i if i had proposed

to her at any point it would have like knocked her off her feet for sure she would have been very surprised but like it wouldn't have come it wouldn't have come completely out of nowhere because I got a sense of, did she want to have kids? Does she want to be? But imagine how crazy it would have been. You guys weren't even living together. In the same city.

Seven months in. And I think to catch you so flat-footed, that means you guys haven't discussed marriage at all. Yeah. And that stuff needs to be broached a little bit. Is this a game breaker or is it like, like, is this a reason to break up with someone?

Because he's, he like got it so wrong. Does he now lose the opportunity? Are you just a one question and you're out kind of person? Yeah. I don't, I don't think he like completely loses the opportunity, but I don't, I don't think that your completely loses the opportunity but i don't i don't think

that your response should be like not right now but we'll see like you should just be like no i'm not like anywhere close to being ready i want to finish school i want to live my life i i'm 25 and it sounds like she wants to be even single like trying that for a year i at the very least it sounds like you're not ready to be married. You know what would be cool? So you would get engaged and that begins a one year, last year timer. So it's like, yes, let's get married.

The couple then splits up for a year and the two people can go ham and then they get back together to get married. That's a nice way to do it, but it would make for like really, really weird, jealous vows. Yeah. But imagine if that were the status quo, the engagement period is basically being single again. It's rumspringa. That's right. Because you're basically committed to the rest of your life. So you're saying, okay, let's just at least go ham. We'll be single for a year. Get it out of a quote unquote, our system. It's crazy. Cause

like, there's not any reason that society shouldn't have chosen that one. That's a great rule. That's an exciting rule too. And I bet more people would get married knowing that's the rule. Because then you're like, all right, let's start the fucking year off. Why don't you implement it when you propose to your girlfriend? That's what it'll say on the ring. Like, all right, and now begins the timer.

The ring is actually just a tiny little timer. A clock. You, like, twist the diamond all the way around. Yeah. And it just, like, slowly clicks. And then I'm out of there so fast that the ring is sort of still hovering in the air before she even answers. Because I'm, like, hightailing it to a brothel. Yeah, it's still dangling in midair.

By the time it lands, I've already started three new relationships because literally a year is all I have left. I didn't know you had it in you. Alright, let's start. Let us know if anyone wants to implement that rule. I love that rule. Thank you. Great job coming up with it. Me. That was a really good rule, me. You did it. Alright, let's see. Oh, this is

sort of a similar question coming from another lady. This is turning into a ladies-themed episode. Sadie Hawkins, baby. Delilah, we'll call her. Day one listener ever here, and I have a conundrum for you two today. I'm from Canada, and exactly a year ago, I moved to New Zealand. Sweet ass.

Sweet ass, mate. For one year for a working holiday. A month before I left, I met someone. Someone who I really connected with mentally, spiritually, and physically. I really liked this guy. And after we spent a month together, we had to say our goodbyes and wished each other well. We stayed in contact sporadically while I was in Inzid. And he was in Spain for a six-month exchange. And recently, I've let him know that I'm coming back to Canada. He says he's really excited to see me

again he's not dating anyone as far as I know and I'm still interested in him my question is how the heck do I act when I see him again for the first time do I give him a kiss do I act cool and friendly are we hugging do we have to replay level one of the flirting game or did we hop straight into bed this guy's potentially boyfriend material so I don't want to screw it up, but I loved what we had before so much that I hope we can get there again. I just hope the world that travels in a year apart hasn't changed us both to no return. Thanks. Love, Delilah. So they were together all the way to like the hooking up, sleeping with each other phase.

A year apart, you get back together. Do you resume instantly? Is there a little regression? Do you go all the way back to day one? Where do you land on the scale, the timeline? In between day one and the last day. Closer to which than the other? Probably closer to the last day.

So, okay. So you're saying you still, you're above shaking hands, but below kissing hello. Yeah yeah it would be like it would be a hug and don't like sit down and start holding i think that like the level of intimacy like personal intimacy uh and i'm not even talking about sex because that like isn't as intimate yeah that's sex yeah holding holding someone's hand. That's beautiful. I want to do that forever. Right.

That's like sort of. That's cheating. Oh, yeah. Big time. I think you hug and then you like take it back to one. And it's not a foregone conclusion that you guys are going to fuck. But like it seems to me like you'll get there. Yeah, I think you'll get there faster.

So while the first day hang, like when you see each other, there is a hug and it is kind of uncomfortable. What it will allow you to do is expedite to that point faster. Like the drinks will beget drinks will beget getting together. But do make there be a plan. Like you don't want to like go over to his house, hug him, and then wonder if you guys should like jump right into bed. Right. No, it has to be. I think it'll just feel like a quick, exciting first date because you guys will have that shared history together.

Yeah. And you have so much to catch up on. I also think it's better that like you each had cool, fun, formative travel experiences. Yeah. This is like the engagement period I was talking about. This happened naturally. So you guys can get married now. Yeah. And you don is like the engagement period I was talking about. This happened naturally to them. So you guys can get married now.

Yeah, and you don't get the extra year. This counted as that year. Oh, yes. Sweet as. Mate. That was your hen do, babe. Whether you knew it or not. You guys were both on a gosh damn hen do.

And now you're back together. So take it slow, take it easy, but I have a feeling it'll ramp up back to where it was much sooner than it would be because you have that shared history, because you have that previous time

spent with that person. Yep, yep. That's my personal question. Or sorry, that's my personal opinion. All right, that's it. That's our time. Thank you so much

for listening. To those of you who are signed up for our Patreon, thank you guys so much for doing that. There is, again, three episodes of Jake and Amir. Watch Jake and Amir, including one with Ben Schwartz.

And the bonus with Thomas. That's right. And two more bonus episodes of this podcast, episodes that we're not releasing on this feed. So you can listen to two extra ad-free bonus episodes and even watch them if you want. And that URL again. Never before heard here. That's right. Never to be heard again.

That's patreon.com slash J-A. Toad off for listening. Oh yeah, the closing theme song. Oh my God. Can you imagine if I didn't do that? Is by Drew. So thanks to the opening one, the Josie parody,

and thanks to this closing one by Drew. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, send them all down to ifireyoushowatgmail.com. Toda and goodbye. Yeah. Well, you gotta listen to these Jews

Always look out for a John Wolf ruse Use up a day when you take a poo Well we know that Jake has a bad back At his wedding almost had a heart attack And yelled at a bus driver But we were happy for you and congratulations And he has a bus driver, but we were happy for you and congratulations. And he has a board as a father.

If she don't text back, well, then don't bother. Jake's friend Amir likes math and sports. When he wears a nice suit, he likes to wear shorts. We all love these two coy shrews. Whoa, listen to if I were you, the show starts now. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Starts now. and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.