Segments - 355: Fear the Beard

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

In this episode we discuss long walks, open marriages, and Lonely and Horny Season 2 -- available now!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. and different ways to get sideways. I'm all this man and I'm this man. They got themselves a podcast called If I Were You. Nice. I like that a lot. That was just like chill vibes. Yeah, it was all right.

Can you please not phone it in this episode? That was for once in in your goddamn life. Kyle from Toronto. It was like... Let's restart this show. And you try to do it with a little bit more gusto. Alright, let's play the song one more time. Christ almighty.

Hate it. Sucks. Why is this good? Just let the song play. I'm letting it play. Hate it. Sucks. Why is this good? Shh. Let the song play. I'm letting it play. When it's done playing, let's go full animated. Happy time.

I'll turn it on for the crowd. Okay. Shh. Just shh. So we can edit this out. It's so whiny. Quiet. So we can edit it out, and we'll'll just start happy and that'll be the whole show

okay all right awesome song who is that um can you fuck like what the fuck are you doing i haven't even said anything why even play this song again why even humor me like we're gonna restart it over all right fuck it one last time one last time but can you for real yeah and i won't just turn it on be a good host all right ready it's it's yeah we want people to think that we like each other that we still have fun with the podcast it just otherwise they stop they stop subscribing they don't give a shit about what we're doing because they like the friendship, not the arguing, not the phoning it in, not the bullshit.

I have to choose a different song. Just a happy attitude. I know. Now it reminds me of how nasty I've been to you. Okay. So let's not even use the song. We'll do a totally different song. We won't even play anything.

Welcome to If I Were You. I love that shit. That was awesome. use the song we'll do a totally different song we won't even play anything welcome to if i were you i love that shit that was awesome um fuck that sucked god damn it no i was it was fine it was fine uh kyle nether soul from toronto your head at the name kyle like that's a weird name like kyle is fine imagine if my name was kyle it's way more normal than amir not really not to me i guess maybe not population wise either do you think there's more amirs than kyle's probably thanks man i needed to hear that i've actually been google that i had a nasty attitude earlier i don't know if you guys... I didn't notice. Because you're going to edit all of that out. Yeah, I'm going to cut that part out.

So before we got started with this whole thing, I actually had to psych myself up. But like this whole Amir versus Kyle debate, I like which side of history you're on. So what am I searching? Most popular names in the world? I guess so. Rank? Yeah. In the world. I guess so. Rank?

Yeah. In the world. Show me a Tom. It's got to be number one in the world. I believe it's Mohammed. That's, that's... No. I'm going to go with an Asian name because who has the biggest population? More than 7,400 boys

were called Muhammad, Mohamed, or Mohamed last year. Oliver, the name which officially took the top spot, was only given to 6,900 babies. Muhammad is thought to be the most popular name in the world, given to an

estimated 150 million men and boys. Wow. Yeah. And there's no word on number two? Kyle is second. No shit. And Amir is third.

Wow. Yeah. I didn't know Kyle was going to eke you out like that. I guess it's a biblical name or some shit. Kyle. Anyway, thanks, Kyle. Thanks to you guys for listening. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by two cheery dudes two chill jews my name is cheery dude ben schwartz that's right uh how's

it going monday november 5th whoa just another panic monday nice get out there and vote fuckers what i just want these kids to get out there and vote, and I don't want to do it in like, go out and vote. It's your, it'll be fun. Just like, I'm like sounding the alarms. Go out and vote, fuckers. It doesn't feel like it's been two years since the Trump election. Doesn't it feel like it was nine months ago or something? It really, in a way, it really does.

It's kind of crazy that it feels like we're living in a daily hellscape. Yeah, time flies when you're having awesome. Time flies when it's the worst time ever. Worst time flies when it's bad in the front. Yeah, it's kind of weird. But this is like one of the first chances you get to have a voice again since that election. Have you voted already? Yeah, I early voted.

You did that mail-in shit. Yeah, I did the mail-in shit. Yeah, I did the mail-in shit. Can I still do the mail-in? I could do it up until voting day? Or at this point I should just go to the polls. I'm sorry for not knowing how it works. If I told people to vote, I should probably know, but I guess just

learn however it works in your state and go do it. And do you want people to vote Republican? Yeah. Well, vote your conscience down the card. And as long as your conscience is Republican down the card, then vote that. How does it work like if I just grab the LA podcast liberal leaning voting guide and I do exactly what it says? Is that still my voice being heard

or am I just amplifying somebody else's voice? Yeah, that's still your voice because you've chosen the people that you want to align yourself with. Like I define myself as a liberal and I don't have enough time to learn about every single prop. So I'll trust this.

Yeah, if you're like, I want to vote and I want liberal people in office, so I've chosen this liberal outlet who's done the research who I trust, then yeah,

that's your voice. I mean, I didn't know everything about the props, but I read those, the... Cheat sheet. Yeah,

the liberal cheat sheet. And I learned a little bit about it as I went. The Jew run agenda. Is that fair to say? I would say it's the Jew York sheet. And I learned a little bit about it as I went. The Jew run agenda. Is that fair to say? I would say it's the Jew York crime. It's the liberal Jew York crimes agenda that we voted for. So get out there and vote yourself.

I'm a paid Soros actor. Really? Yes. You're a crisis actor. I'm actually making bank from Soros himself. And what is he paying you to do? He just acts, act crises like,

yeah. Yeah. So some of you are paid to protest and some of you are paid to like yell at senators and elevators. That's right. And then we're all rich because we're all rich from it. Paid by Soros. Yes.

That's awesome, dude. Yeah. I sent Soros my 1099. We don't even need a Patreon because of how much Soros cash we're having for this. Yes. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, I sent Soros my 1099. We don't even need a Patreon because of how much Soros cash we're having for this. Yeah, there's a... Soros is on the

crisis tier of our Patreon. That's $99 a month and we get to pretend to be outraged. That's right. So get out there and vote yourselves. Yeah, enough fucking around. Get out and vote. Bye. Should we try to answer some questions? Sure. How about this one called

My Brother the Underwear Thief? I know what the answer to the question is already. Okay. Hello, I'm a 21-year-old Ooh, I'm a 20-year-old male from Canada. We'll call this guy Justin Theroux. 20-year-old male from Canada writes Justin, and I've recently got into a weird

situation. Recently, my older brother, who's 22, Justin, and I have recently got into a weird situation. Recently, my older brother, who's 22, has been stealing my underwear. Could have guessed it from the title. He does this instead of using his own because he gets used to it and he's too lazy to do his own laundry. Whenever I confront him about it, he just laughs and says, easier than doing my own laundry. I have asked him multiple times to stop doing it and other times he'll just say okay and continue to use it the thing is that he takes it from me when i'm either sleeping or i'm at work because he works night shifts and goes to work when i'm away so what do i do do i buy him some of his own do i make a big scene what would you do thanks guys love the pod and hope you get me out of this goofy situation what do you think is it time to promote me undies right now you can go MeUndies.com and get himself a nice new pair

let's say I think there's two well three options I have two myself really? yeah but let's hear what yours are number one is it's fine don't do anything yeah he's your older brother and that's

one of the rights is that he gets to steal your undies. This is just, yeah, this is just going to happen. Yeah. Okay. Two. Two. Exercise some street justice. I don't think you can really steal his underwear back, but maybe he's got something that you want that you can thieve from him.

Maybe you can do something that annoys him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Yeah. So you're like, you, maybe he like cooks food and like he cooks his own lunch for work or something when he goes off to do that night shift thing. But now you start snagging his snacks. Oh. Eating his dinner. Oh.

Yeah. He's like, hey, I made that food for me. And you're like, hey, I made that food for me. And you're like, hey, I bought my underwear for me. But you don't respect my boundaries and I don't respect your boundaries, motherfucker. Then you pants him and you see your underwear and you say, that's why I ate your noodles.

And he's like, well, you eat my noodles, I'm gonna eat your underwear. And then he starts grabbing at your undies and he tears it off and he's like, oh, I love this. I'll eat it like a sandwich and he puts your little fucking underwear in between two slices of bread and he starts chomping away i feel like that wouldn't happen don't you think because yeah because the outcome of your scenario is that he eats a sandwich of underwear yeah i just feel like that's not likely

right like why would he want to eat a sandwich of underwear right at the I just feel like that's not likely. Right. Like why would he want to eat a sandwich of underwear? Right. At the end of the day that's not good for anyone. This is what I was

thinking he should do. I still have a third option. Oh. And you never let me finish. Yes I do. You always talk over me. Never. Every single time.

Never. Every time you never ever let me finish. Never. I was just going to say you hide underwear. You hide your underwear. Never. Every time you never ever let me finish. Never. I was just gonna say you hide underwear. You hide your underwear. Right. And I just don't know why you were so hellbent on me not saying that.

You could say. Because you never let me finish. You stopped talking entirely and it seems like you only started talking when I said I was gonna say what my two things were. And I didn't even get to finish. Alright. Are you done now? I guess if you want me to be. Yes, I do. Alright, then I'm done. Okay. Cause you can hide

your underwear. I was gonna say hide it in a safety box. Get a fucking safe. Wow. You want my underwear? You'll have to have the combination. That's cool. A locker. That's cool. Yeah, so you hide the underwear. Yeah. But you're not even saying, you hide it in plain sight by putting it in a safe. That's cool. Yeah, so you hide the underwear. Yeah. But you're not even saying, you hide it in plain sight by putting it in a safe.

That's right. Or you could put like itching powder on your underwear, just like a real classic prank. Do you think a safe is called that because it's safe? No, it has to be something else. But what could it be? It's probably an acronym, right? Oh, secure and fucking everything. Excellent.

Secure and fucking everything. So yeah, you can either lock your underwear, like basically kick it up a notch, or you can stop caring. Those are your two options. Or you start thieving from him. And it's funny because a safe cost is as much as giving him new underwear,

but you're sort of, you're playing the game. Yeah. I love keeping your shit in a safe. That's so dumb. But just three pairs of underwear. You could even just get a file, like a small rolling file cabinet has a key. At our office, we have those filing cabinets. How about a different a different and a different me undie in every manila sleeve so you open it like a top secret dossier that's cool if anybody ever wants to borrow it you're like here yeah let me just check my files yeah and then it's

the kind with the red thread that goes around and around you know what i mean yeah i do threadlocked dossier manila dossier out of a lock and key file cabinet behind a fucking seat cloak and dagger locked up file and key is a starched out thin crispy me undies and actually the the the style of the me undies is a manila envelope and guess what what it's not a freaking sandwich and your brother's eating it in the kitchen and you don't know why or how things got here, but they did. And now he's half a sandwich deep and he's eating his fucking underwear. Having glad. Nice.

All right. Do you want to answer this next question? Going down on my GF or I'm in an open marriage? Ooh. Oh, give me the beard question. Oh. I've got shit to say on beards. And years.

Year-long beards. Hey, J&A, I've written a few times before, but this is perhaps my most urgent question to date. Ooh. He writes seven years ago. My girlfriend and I have been dating for five months now, and it's going great, and she is great, and there's only one problem.

Recently, I shaved off my beard, and my girlfriend told me she likes how I look a lot without it. I thought it was kind of weird how often she kept telling me that she liked my bare face. Well, I think I figured out why. One night, we started getting down and dirty when I went down on her, and she came quicker than she ever has before in our entire five months of dating. At first, it sort of felt like I was the freaking man. But as my beard started growing back, I noticed that the amount of time it takes to make her come from me going down on her keeps getting longer and longer. That's right. I think there's a direct correlation between my

beard length and how long it takes to make my GF come from eating her out. Since she keeps encouraging me to shave, I love my beard though. It's a part of me, but I also want my girlfriend to enjoy her sex. You two have beards. Have you ever run into a similar problem? How do I get my GF into the ozone without shaving my precious face flow?

P.S. Buckets is my favorite podcast. I'm a Raptors fan, and I'm curious what you think about Kawhi and how he's going to do on the Raptors this season, Amir. Thanks. Keep being great. Love. What do we call this guy?

Beard. Beardsley. Walt Whitman. Walt Whitman. Because you did. Oh, you did Justin Theroux, not Henry David Theroux. But there's still some kind of like interesting theme emerging here. A poetic justice of sorts.

A bearded poet. Literary reference meets cliterary reverence that was awesome that was it was seemed like a lazy one but it was literary reference and cliterary reverence that's really good yeah do we even have to answer the question i think that would look awesome on a crew neck tee is that dumb dumb? Folded up, ironed out, starched, and put into a manila sleeve. Five years in, we're going back to merch. We haven't done a shirt since hashtag dope and seize the cheese, right? That's true.

We should do merch. Why don't we have a t-shirt? I wanted to do an Alvin and the Chipmunk style shirt, but it's just me as a chipmunk and you and Ben as humans behind me. That's good. Two Daves yelling Alvin or my name, and I'm a chipmunk of sorts. It sounds like a great tea. Or that could be on the ass of some sweatshorts on a badonkadonk apple bottom plump butt on a trainer in a sleeve

on the day in Manila having sleeve. Have you noticed the correlation between this and beard length? I think I've noticed it both ways before though. Like some people like a little tickle and some people don't.

I guess in the same way pubic hair is that way. Some people like a little bit, some people like a little tickle and some people don't. I guess in the same way pubic hair is that way. Some people like a little bit. Some people like a lot. Some people like bare. Yeah, everything's different. And I've even heard people be like, I like kissing you without a beard. I said that once to you. You did.

And I didn't understand. But then I realized that I was, it was when we were living together and I would often wake up. Yeah. I would be French. Yeah. I would be Frenching. Yeah, you would be Frenching. Frenching you. French kissing or whatever. Let me, let me, I think he should still feel like the man.

He's like at first. Are we going to ignore the Kawhi Leonard part of this question? Oh, yeah. How's Kawhi doing on the Raptors? Great. Early season, MVP candidate. They're looking like the best version of themselves. I think this email was written before the season started, so he was a little reluctant. But anybody who was hesitant or afraid about Kawhi's prowess going into the year,

their frustrations and fears have been alleviated. How's his ankle? His ankle is great. His quad doesn't look to be bothering him whatsoever. He is the best two-way player in the NBA through two weeks. And he's playing with Lowry or DeRozan? Lowry. Imagine Kawhi going down on someone because he's pretty clean-shaven, but he's got the cornrows still. But that's all hair behind you, so it doesn't really matter. Right.

That's more for the view from somebody looking down at him between their legs. Yeah. And he looks up and he goes, which is sort of how he laughs. But he's doing that while he's going down on someone. I guess that would tickle. So I'd feel nice.

Like that. It bothers me when. Like that. It bothers me when you do that. Right. And it should. Yeah. It upsets me. It's upsetting. Should this guy shave his face?

It's like, yeah, this is the balance of how you feel good and what makes your girlfriend more attracted to you. Yeah. What do you want out of this? Your girlfriend, now wife, does she try to urge you to maintain a specific look? You like to change your facial hair. I change my facial hair all the time, and Jill does not like when I have a big beard. A big beard. Which I currently have.

Is this too long for her, or is this on the edge of fine? This is too long for her. It this too long for her is this on the edge of fine this is too long for her it is too long for her by a hair no she she we're getting a divorce because of the hair yeah well because of a bunch of other shit the bad unrelated the puns she hates yeah the manila sleeves she hates too much i have my how she heard this podcast already underwear drawer is completely organized in a locked safe situation. And it just feels like I'm hiding shit from her. Do you have any beard woes? No, I like to keep it in between too long and too short. I never experienced this sort of beard woe specifically. But at the same time, this lady is different than other ladies. So I don't know.

How much do you... You do want to make sure that you are presentable to your loved one. You do want to be the most attractive version of yourself to them. But then, you know, it's your face. It is your face. And as long as you like going down on somebody, hey, maybe get an extra few minutes in there. That's not too shabby.

What? You know what I mean? No. I'm just saying, like, you go down on somebody for a little bit longer. Longer, yeah. Then, like, that's good for you. If you like it.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. Oh, God. This brings me to an announcement that I have, which is, you're bi-curious, that and. Okay. And. Yes.

There's another Hurwitz product out there. Forget everything you knew about Jake's mom's cookies. Mm-hmm. Still order those. Support my mama. But now, my sister has launched her very own beard oil. Whoa. Which sister?

Sarah. Sarah Hurwitz has her beard oil business. Beard oil business. So she made beard oil for me. This is something that she did maybe a year ago. How do you make beard oil and what is it? Well, Sarah is an herbalist. She like worked on a year ago. How do you make beard oil? And what is it? Well, Sarah is an herbalist. She worked on a tea farm.

She's into this essential oil thing. She made a mixture of different oils that are good for your skin, good for your hair. They're hydrating. They have nutrients that help your hair grow. Oh. And when my beard was feeling itchy and wiry and stringy, she gave me this oil.

I tried it when I was at home. And it made me feel like I just had like a luscious thick. I'm wearing it right now. And it just like feels good to run my hands through this beard. And it smells better. It's a smell thing too. The one she made is like unscented, but that doesn't mean there's not like a kind of a fresh scent. It just means it's not like infused with cedar or something like other beard oils. Got it.

Yeah, everything is scented. Nothing doesn't have a smell, right? I don't know. Smell my ass. Yeah, it's nothing. Wow. Amazing. It's unscented. So yeah, there's a nice scent to it, but you put it on your hands, scrub it through your beard. And then I also bought a beard comb on Amazon. That's some unsolicited advice for you. And you got a beard coat. You have a little jacket for your beard too. Yeah. A beard comb, a beard coat. You have a little jacket for your beard, too. Yeah. A beard comb, a beard coat.

My beard has a tiny little briefcase that I dangle here. Scarf. Scarf. And I got my beard the iPhone XR. No. Yes. Yeah, your beard looks like a little businessman in Boston in the winter. That's right.

That's amazing. Buy, sell. But he's on the phone with New York. He works on the Japanese stock market. So where can people get this beard oil? That's right. Brothersisterco.com. Brothersisterco.com.

Yes, because Sarah and I developed this beard oil. Oh, now you're getting a cut of the profit. I'm actually not. Oh, I have to talk to Sarah about that. Yeah, it would be the right thing to do But she also did all of the work And I only wear the oil That's true But I should get you a bottle You can check it out

BrothersSisterCo.com Built a website on Squarespace And you can buy a 3 month supply Or a 6 month supply So just buy one It's a single bottle and it lasts you 3 months The good thing about this too Is that even if you don't have a beard, it's great for your skin. It keeps your skin healthy and hydrated. So if you're thinking about trying a beard, you can do this. Buy the beard oil,

rub it on your face, let your beard come in nice, illustrious, smooth. I'm on the website now. The pictures look great. There's pictures of Sarah making the oil and then there's a picture of this jacked, awesome bearded guy. And that can be you. This could almost be you. Like, this should be a picture of you. This guy's arms are so big and his beard is so good. By the time anybody hears this

I'll have given the note that that picture should be me. So that photo will be me and my arms will be looking jacked. But like, if you can just keep that body and face and like somehow make it you, that would be like, that's sort of your dream look,

right? That is actually, so maybe we should leave the guy on the left and put a picture of me on the right so we can see. So this is your mood board,

sort of. Yeah. The other, the last thing that I want to say about this beard oil is that you can put it on your pubes if your pubes are wiry and stringy.

All right. Uh, thank you so much for listening. It feels really, it feels nice on your, are you really going to end it? No, we should just take a break.

I think. Okay. And, uh, when we come back, I'm going to talk about how it's good for your, your pubes, your face,

your beard, but especially if you can rub it on your tank, I'm sorry, Sarah, brother, sister co.com baby. We look in the website is now just sister co.com. But especially if you can rub it on your tank. I'm sorry, Sarah. Brothersisterco.com, baby. We look and the website is now just sisterco.com. And I'm out just like that.

All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL.

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But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely because I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense?

Or like, do you know what a play action passes? Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create. Easy to sell. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can

figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, The greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Lonely and Horny season two, now available on Dropout. It's finally out, folks. If you go to signup.dropout.tv slash Lonely and Horny, sign up for Dropout, you can watch episode one of our new season of our show, Lonely and Horny, and also all of season one. All of season one's on there. Season two's coming out now.

If you go there, let them know you like it so they let us make a third season. That's the goal here. That's the end game. Please. You can watch season one in its entirety and you can watch the first episode of season two. Ruby Jade, my character, is now on Orion,

the golden god of dating apps. Correctamundo. What can possibly go right? Exactly. Find out at signup.dropout.tv slash lonelyandhorny. Thanks, folks. They're going to release one episode a week

until the entire season is available in 10 weeks. And that is, yeah, 10 episodes. There's lots of bonus content too. Outtakes and behind the scenes interviews. I like that. I like that a lot. Big time. Let us know what you think.

Oh, and Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. I sure do, Blumenfeld. Yeah? Lately. Oh, I know what this is.

Yeah, dude. Ecstasy? You dirty dog, Hurwitz is at it again. A new club. Oh, shit. A new sex position. Yeah, oh, you know I'm always coming up with new sex moves. Sex party.

I've been taking walks lately. Walks. Oh. Yeah, just like a nice walk. Like to stroll around. Just, yeah. To like... Just a little meander.

A morning walk. And an afternoon walk. Yeah, so two walks a day. Two walks a day. And then... Technology free. And then you hit the clock. I've actually... No, I...

Usually the walk clears my head and it's sort of like... A pregame? To the pregame. No pregame. The walk just sort of like centers you. And it grounds me. And it makes me think about the day and I'm not. And it makes me like think about the day

and like I'm not distracted by it. And you think about the night. No, I'm not distracted by like random little like micro happiness things all around me. And then you come back and you check the gram. And you see who followed you. I come back from the walk and I have more of like a cohesive vision for my day.

Right. And it's like, oh, no. It's all distorted. These little, yeah, like drinks or flirting or checking apps. Oh, yeah. You love that. It doesn't matter. Yeah.

I like the walks. And it's a technology-free situation. Technology-free walk. No podcast. Am I swiping? No. I've been swiping. No.

I've been swiping. No. No. What? No. I've been swiping. No. I've been swiping. No. No. What? No. No. I was like a silly way of saying no. Got it.

What are you thinking of? The walks soothe me. They are a calming presence. Now soothe me. Soothe me. Because I ain't got an average booty you're thinking about them butts that bad i think about my future my friends my family how to connect and how to grow as a man and how to uh uh and twins no end twins no end twins at all. Not on my walk. No, not on my watch.

Do you ever do that? You take walks? You walk your dog. I'll walk my dog, but I'm listening to a podcast. Yeah, I go technology-free walk. So what's going on on the walks? You're waking up. When is this happening?

My morning walk happens pretty much as soon as I wake up. I don't look at my phone. I wake up. I brush my teeth. don't look at my phone. I wake up. I brush my teeth. Don't look at your phone. No. Is this based on an article you read? Is this based on a, this is, this is, it reeks of self-help-y some way. Yeah. It wasn't an article I read. I feel like I've been talking to, like I talked to, maybe it was a year or two ago, my brother said like, you're not supposed to look at your phone for an hour before you wake up. And even though I didn't look anywhere, if that was true, it just sort of rang true.

Yeah, because it seems good. Yeah. And then I think I talked to a couple other people who I ask what they do in the morning. Basically happy people. I ask how they start their morning. Yeah. And very, very infrequently, was it like, I roll over and I check Twitter, which is what I, how I've been waking up for the last year or two years.

For seven. So I wake up rather than look at my phone, which, which would like sometimes, you know, you, you look at your phone, you have. That's the most exciting time. Yeah. Oh, I, I, but I, I, it's like sad news alerts come in a whole bunch of like work emails piling up. It's just like, okay, God damn it. my day is like already off to a weird start.

Yeah. So taking a walk just like lets you visualize how you want to spend your day. So where are you going for how long and what do you do when you get back? I walk from my bedroom down to like my mailbox and then i run back upstairs sprinting and i and i yeah i followed me who unfollowed me rub one out then i'm back on twitter then i'm on reddit i'm posting angry news stories on the donald left leaning right of center i do like um probably like 40 minutes maybe like a mile or two. That's long. Just around my neighborhood. Yeah. It's, it's a long walk. Solo?

Uh, sometimes solo, sometimes with Jill. 50-50? Let's say 50-50. So you're like, let's do this thing where wake up, no phone, walk, come back, then phone. Uh, yeah. Well, sometimes, sometimes it's a run. Sometimes it's a walk. And then there was like two two two days where i did yoga

just sort of like a morning thing where i don't i have like before i look at my phone just like an hour of some kind of activity before that before the phone yeah to hearken back to the days where we didn't roll over and instantly look at our phone is that that's what i imagine what you do of course and i do it and the notifications. Do you even check the notifications, what came in overnight? Or you literally do not look at your phone? I guess I look at my phone because my alarm is going off. Cheater! You're absolutely cheating.

That's not a disconnect. I don't think I look at the... Notifications, lock screen, badges, banners? It depends. Today, I did not. Today, I specifically remember seeing, like, looked at the time and my phone, like, didn't unlock to show me what the alerts were. And I just, like, left it. And how long have you been doing it?

Today was the first day. Okay. So when I said 50-50, you meant half the walk. The last three weeks, maybe? Three weeks! Yeah. And has it been helpful or fine or great? Definitely helpful.

And I found that it's necessary, especially my afternoon walks, where I feel like I'm starting to get bleary-eyed staring staring at my screen and it feels like I cleared out my inbox, but I still like for some reason keep on like opening the same tabs over and over. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? And I leave.

And when I'm walking, I really, I remember like, Oh, these like four things are on my plate still. So it's sort of like refocusing. Cause I think that because I'm always trying to get my inbox down to zero and get things off my plate,

I like fire off quick emails and I try to like handle things fast, um, which doesn't make me very thoughtful. And it, and it makes the things that I need to be super thoughtful about, like go to the bottom of my list. And then you just delay it until right delay them for weeks and then it's like oh maybe i shouldn't respond to this yeah but if i

if i take a walk i'm like oh this is the big thing let's gear up do it on your walk are you thinking about the things you need to reply when you get back from your walk not, but sometimes that stuff does like bubble up where I'll be like, oh, this thing is – like hasn't happened yet. I should nudge somebody's – I should like email someone. When I get back. Yeah. Got it. Okay. So technology-free, buy daily walks.

Yep. Oh, fine. I'll fucking do it. You start with one walk, just a walk and you don't have to do every day. Just give it a shot. Go on a walk. Go on a walk. And see if it helps.

I'm not mad at that. That's unsolicited advice. Yeah. All right. Now, how about for some solicited advice? This person is in an open marriage, but the most beautiful girl in the world is trying to sleep with her. Wow.

That's right. Let's see what's up. Do you have a lady's name for this lady? Emily Dickinson. That's beautiful. Okay. Hi, guys. Such a fan of the pod.

I married my beautiful wife three years ago. However, before we got married, she cheated on me with a former lover. Afterwards, I was fine with continuing the marriage because she's so fucking beautiful inside and out. But she actually insisted that our marriage be open, in her words, for my sake. Since then, she has continuously confirmed that she has closed her end of the marriage and that she'll never sleep with anybody but me ever again. But she seemed to think that this would imply that the marriage would be closed on my end as well and it hasn't there's a beautiful woman way out of my league who actually seems to like me for whatever reason i know i know you guys don't believe me when i say she's the most

beautiful girl in the world but she is objectively and she's smart and rich and funny and shares all of my interests. Rich? Did you say rich? Rich with money, honey. Oh! I've already made it clear to my wife that the marriage is still open on my end, even though she told me that it's closed on hers. It was her idea to go into the open marriage

in the first place, even though I would have been fine keeping it closed, despite the fact that she cheated on me. So So my dudes, what should I do? Thank you for the read. I love you both so much. You have prevented me from committing suicide multiple times and I have a gainful career and beautiful life thanks to your encouragement. Well, hell yeah. Well, firstly, thank you for not committing suicide. Real glad you're still around. And if you find yourself having these suicidal thoughts and ideations, just know that we love you

and that you should seek professional help. No need for professional help. Just listen to our podcast. It's full of laughs. Okay, but also I think these people should seek... All you need is a podcast.

All you need is a podcast. Da-da-da-da-da-walk. Oh, God. Half our audience is dead. All right. So back to her specific question. What? I've never heard of like a relationship like a sandwich bag open on one end and closed on the other.

Yeah. That's not how open relationships work uh half open a semi open they have to be it has to be mutually agreed upon what's if it's open or closed and can you be like all right i'm closing mine you keep yours open do whatever you want but i love it closed it needs to be a a full toilet who cheated on who in the beginning? Lover cheated on writer. Lover cheated on writer. And then she's like, let's keep it an open relationship. Actually, it's not even open anymore on my end.

You can keep it open on yours. I guess, fine. Cool. At the very least, you're in an open relationship. Your wife is committed to you and a hot girl wants to sleep with you. And your wife cheated on you once. So this will even the playing field. Yeah, it seems fine if you've made it clear that you are open.

I don't even know what the fucking problem is. Did you just read that question because it was hot? It was so hot to me to read it that I had to forward it to you and read it to you because it was hot to read it. It was hot. To have it read, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, I guess the specific question is, what should

I do? The specific answer is you do you and you do her. It's hard. It really is like hearkening back to the very original podcast. It's hard. It's like hearkening back to the very original podcast. It's hard to advocate cheating, but she's not cheating because it's still quote unquote an open

relationship. It's probably worth clarifying it one more time with your wife that you want an open relationship and seeing how she reacts. I guess, I don't know. It's still open, right? That's just me giving conservative advice. Also, if you're depressed, go see somebody. I guess, I don't know. It's still open, right? That's just me giving conservative advice. Also, if you're depressed, go see somebody.

I was kidding about listening to podcasts. Yeah, professionals, guidance, medication, these are things that can make your feelings of discontent seem more fleeting and infrequent and eventually change your outlook on life for the better. And we're always here for you, too. All right. That was it.

That's our episode. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for submitting theme songs. The email address, again, for all that stuff is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Again, if you want more If I Were You Show, there's ad-free episodes episodes on our patreon patreon.com

slash ja i believe there's three episodes as of now including one with megan batun which made us all lol a lot and i'm sure you guys will love it check out that video we danced uh the opening theme song was kyle of course and this closing one is Jorl. Let me, this one was a long theme song, so I want to make sure I get it right. Jorl. It's like a two-minute fucking rap ballad that I thought was probably too long to play in the beginning,

but he has a, it's this guy, Jorl Hoffert, who has a virtual rap duo called Ashiroji Muto and a mixtape coming out in January. So there's a lot going on here, but I think you guys will dig it. It's an If I Were You Show intro by Ashirogimuto. If you want to tell people you like underground hip-hop, if you like this song, you officially do. It's not a lie anymore.

Yeah, if you're like, I'm waiting for the new mixtape from Ashimogo. Ashirogimuto. Yeah. Then you'll sound like you know music. I like that and Fall Out Boy. And Dashboard. All right. Thanks so much for listening.

We'll be back next week. Ciao. Later. If you were me, would you do what I thought? I rang into the podcast because I was distraught. They taught me in quarantine not to burden others with your problems. But I'm out, so fuck it. I'll give it a shot.

My girlfriend's a never new, paints herself blue, but my daughter maybe loves her. The fuck am I supposed to do? Dad went to jail and I've gotta save the company. My idiot magician brother always fucking bothers me. Will I never be fine if I divorce him? He keeps quoting lines from BoJack Horseman.

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And too many girls flirt with me cause of my bangin' bod. This is all 100% real, I swear to God. If I were you, what would I do? How do I know how to improve myself? If I were you, what would I do? How do I know how to improve myself? If I were you, what would I do? How do I know how to improve myself? If I were you, what would I do? How do I know how to improve myself?

If I were you, what would I do? What the hell is that emotion? I don't take constructive criticism well. Okay, who are you? That was a Head gum podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.