Segments - 356: Grammar Nazi (w/Lauren Lapkus and Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

Friends and fellow podcasters Lauren Lapkus and Jon Gabrus join us to discuss splitting bills, midnight shits, and having sex before dinner.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only listen to podcast with Jake And maybe Amir too He might be a chipmunk I don't really know

But I'm mighty suspicious about that He'll help you with your sticky sitch And tell you to dump your so jealous boyfriend They'll help in a pinch that's also jake's nickname too so sit back and relax we'll put you on blast on this podcast My world starts now. Oh, yeah. Very good. That was a Dashboard Confessional cover.

Jake, have you ever heard of that band? Dashboard, what is it, Confessional? Yes. A Dashboard Confessional? That was a cover of Hands Down off of a Mark Emission, a brand, a scarf. Chris Carraba, native-born Connecticut guy. You are reading this all off your tattoo. Lauren Lapkus, John Gabrus, thoughts on the theme song?

Loved it. Super mellow. It was nice. Couldn't really focus on it. That's how boring I found it. You said during the theme song you went to a Dashboard concert. I do. I didn't like Dashboard.

I do. I do go to Dashboard concerts. I hate them. Because my hair is everywhere. I do. I do go to dashboard concerts and I hate them because my hair is everywhere. Is that a song? Oh my God. Screaming Infidelity. Screaming Infidelity.

Taking it square. I picture thick leather wristbands. Oh man. I had one from American Eagle. Did you have one? A wristband?

I had like a brown leather coffee cup. That's disgusting. I don't have a strap. Yeah. I I had like a brown leather That's disgusting. I had frosted tips. From American Eagle too. It was so good. I was such a corny owner. They used to make the best underwear. I wore exclusively Aeropostale.

I wonder what parents think when their kid comes home with bleached hair or leather belts around their wrists. Are they like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are they like, kids will be kids? Yeah, I think the first at least my family was like, are you gay?

And I was just like, oh, they thought I was gay because I really liked movies. You know what I mean? And they were entirely wrong. A lot of them were gay porn movies. But that's fine too. I really liked gay porn movies. But that's fine, too. I really liked gay porn movies.

They got good stories. I don't like female actors. That's gay. If you like female actors, you're gay. Who can watch chick songs? You want to watch a woman act? You gotta watch dudes. Your boys.

Dude. That was actually written by Andreas Johansson from Sweden. Oh, thank you. Glad to see Dashboard's finally making its way overseas. It's weird how you can't really hear accents when singing is happening. Has there ever been an article written on why that is? Yeah, there's been a few. Okay, great.

Moving on. Lapkus and Gabrus have done our show separately, but now are doing it finally together for the first time. Combining forces. You're here to not only help us out, but to talk about your podcast, Raised by TV, which me and Jake did a few weeks ago. That's correct.

What's the pitch, the elevator pitch, for Raised by TV? Do you like to hear two people scream about Rugrats? Yes, I do. Do you like nostalgia? Do you remotely like us it's us just like yeah

deep diving on our childhoods we watch so much TV and we both realize that and with the more recent episodes we've had more guests coming on and sort of diving using them as springboards as to what they watch and it turns out a lot of us who end up here have watched a lot

of the same show when When there was less TV growing up, way more people. It's way more universal of a thing to talk about family matters than you'd believe. Yeah, and it's been cool interviewing people older than us as well who have different reference points but then they were the ones who made the TV that we watched and that's

really cool. We interviewed Billy West who was the voice of Ren and Stimpy of Ren and Stimpy. Yeah, Ren and Stimpy. For a while, yeah. And he just did every cartoon ever. And he was Doug. And he's from Futurama.

Holy shit, he did Doug? Yeah. Wow, that's influential for me. Exactly. That's what we said. And what influenced him? Well, he talks a little bit on our podcast. Yeah, check it out.

And the reason we're saying check it out is not because we're good at plugging. It's because it was a lot of like 50s and 60s sci-fi that we wouldn't, I can't remember any. No, but he does go in and out of the voices

and stuff and it's so fun. And those people have been so cool to interview. Yeah, that's been really cool. We had Yardley Smith who played Lisa Simpson. Oh, she was on our podcast. Obviously plays.

She's doing the rounds. She has her own podcast. All of a sudden when one of these big celebs gets a podcast you're like oh come talk to me I know

like Kevin Pollak is on Doughboys this week oh really that's fun that is fun I'd like to hear what Kevin Pollak

thinks about Jack in the Box and now I finally can Maggiano's Little Italy actually really yeah it's a great episode so far

I would love to listen to that I was stoned as fuck listening to the Uber here you listen to that. I was stoned as fuck listening to the Uber here. You listen to podcasts? So you're stoned now? Yep. Once I got a flat tire, I was so mad that I brought a joint with me to the tire shop. I've never listened to a podcast in somebody else's car, like an Uber.

You're in the back with headphones. No, no, I make them put it on. And I give them a bunch of backstory to explain it. Don't you think it's embarrassing to try to put a podcast on with anyone else in the room? I'm like, oh God, I hope they like this. And it's just like the pressure of them getting on board with the conversation, even if you don't even know what it's going to be. I don't even like to do it on a long

road trip. It's so intimate. Podcasts are oddly personal. They're weirdly personal, right? I like to listen to podcasts completely alone in the bath. Yeah, me too. In the bath, underwater. Freezing cold. I recommended Dirty John to Tiffany, and she didn't like it.

I love Dirty John. And it's like a rift about, like, now I found this new true crime podcast I really like called Bear Brook. Highly recommend. Great. New Hampshire Public Radio. Sorry, only HeadGum Podcast, but continue. You're going to bleep it out? They just bleep out our entire podcast.

So tell us a little bit about your podcast. For like a minute. High and mighty. Cut to us on Raised by TV talking about If I Were You. We left it in. We got fooled. We got fucked. But I'm tentative to recommend it to Tiffany because I'm like,

oh, she hated Dirty John. Well, she hates this. She's going to But I'm tentative to recommend it to Tiffany because I'm like, oh, she hated Dirty John when she hates this. She's going to think I'm bad at podcasting. I'm bad at knowing what are good podcasts for her. Does she listen to

mine? Does she listen to any podcast? She listens to a lot. She listens, my favorite murder was on a lot in the house. Now a chance to talk

about HeadGum Podcast, her favorite podcast is A Funny Feeling. Oh. It's a great podcast. She loves Betsy and she loves Marcy too, obviously, but Betsy's like a friend of hers, so that's

exciting for her. That's good. If you're going to listen to any voice for fucking 40 straight hours, it better be Betsy's. Alright, let's try to get to some of these questions. People are in desperate situations. They're in need of our guidance. It's usually just us two. They have no idea how desperate they are that they're reaching out to Jake

and Amir. A lot of all caps, frantic emails. My wife's going into labor. Here's one that's very short and sweet. A short and sweet one from a lady. Lauren, do you have a fake lady's name that we can call this lady? Amelia. That's good. It's almost my name.

So I appreciate that. Amelia Blumenfeld writes. It's almost my name, so I appreciate that. Amelia Blumenfeld writes... That's just fucking self-centered shit. That's almost my name. And so I like it. That's why it's a good name. Everything else is a bad name. It's almost my name.

I love it. That one's okay. It's pretty far from Amir. Let's go Amira. Amira writes, My housemate keeps misusing words like ironic and literally, and it really bugs me. Can and should I tell her about it? Oh, God.

I'll tell you something. You want to know who the annoying person is in that situation? The author of that one. Okay, sure, but I'm also that person. I totally get that. But a roommate, if they're not a good enough friend for you to say something, if you have to yeah like you can't do it if it comes up and you just go that's not how you use that you have to do it like immediately the right right you can't sit somebody down yeah you're dumber than we gotta talk about something yeah wait so lauren what's your pet peeve well like

i really hate when people say like um like a lot of reality stars you'll see them talking in their testimonials and they're like him and i did this or like it's a picture it's a picture of reality stars you'll see them talking in their testimonials and they're like him and I did this or like it's a picture it's a picture of my mom and I like that kind of shit

bugs the shit out of me because you removed the my mom part because it's not a picture of I yeah so it's just wrong but then

and I've had people correct me when I say whom or like a picture of me and my mom or something on Instagram and then they're like actually it's my mom and I.

And then I'm like, no, it's fucking not. And then I like get like really mad because I want to like send a link that's like, here's a grammar website where you can learn how to talk. They came back. Got it. It really bothers me though. That one like really grates on my skin. The and me and the and I.

Yeah, all of it. Anytime that's wrong, her, him, whenever they say it wrong. Like, I'm trying to give an example but my friends do it and it just i just i'm like i just sit there and take it like i cannot say you mean she and i did that like it's just like not her and me like her and i went to the store you know and it's like no you fucking did it like it just bothers me see for me there's so much like it's so much weird shit in the spoken english language that like you gotta let that i feel like in my mind you gotta let that stuff slide just because there's slang

we say fucking in the middle of our sentences of course like i don't speak perfectly right that's what i think of is when i'm like i feel like the ground rules should be like do i understand what you're saying i think it's more about writing for me. Right. When you're talking, everything's on the table. It's fine. Yeah. But when you're, it's like if you see somebody's Instagram caption. Y'all, that kills me. You probably had like a second.

This is like, has been edited and you made the choice. Yeah, I've seen you comment like that. Like, this is what you chose. This is what you went with. This was your choice. Why don't we take this thing back and take another pass at it? That was on your niece's Instagram at her birthday. Run this by me

before you post a bat mitzvah pic. But it is true that you can't be like the most annoying fucking friend and bring up everything someone does wrong. Like, I don't want to interrupt my friend's story to say, you mean she and I. Because then it's like I'm an annoying old person. That's worse than misspelling or mistalking.

You know, I forget what this one is, but it's like, if I were you and person. That's worse than misspelling or mistalking. Yeah. You know, I forget what this one is, but it's like, if I were you, and oh, that's the name of our podcast. If I were you, and if I was you.

Was and were. Oh, if and were. Yeah. No. What? It's if you say were. Oh, really? If I were.

Or wish I were there instead of wish I was there. Oh, I don't know. It's wish I were. Oh, that I don't know. I guess I don't know if it's true because it's just something my friend eddie told me when i was 18 but either way what i was gonna say is that it's stuck and i appreciate it now i don't know if i wish i were there makes

me think that it uh it's uh already happened wish i was there is like uh current oh like you're oh hey i'm talking to you at a party i wish i party. I wish I was there, too. I wish I was there. But if you were not, like if you were like, I went to a party last night. I wish I would have been there. I wish I were there. Interesting. You know what somebody told me once, and now I can never ignore it, and now I'll burden you with this, is I'm going to try and do something instead of try to. Like, why don't you try and get off the couch? It's not try and get off the couch.

It's try to. People just say and accidentally. Well, here's one that drives me crazy, and it's not chomping off the couch. It's not try and get off the couch. It's try to. People just say and accidentally. Well, here's one that drives me crazy. And it's not chomping at the bit. It's champing at the bit. What? I hate that. That's not true.

Do you pronounce it chomping? Yes. No. And Charlotte chomping. Everyone does. Chomping at the bit. But that's like for all intensive purposes. No, right.

Oh, we were just talking about this. Okay, I was talking about this with people the other day. And one person said their dad says something that's so annoying, and this one's not even like, it's not even intensive purposes. He says sandwich. What? No, that's just wrong. No, that's, where are they from?

The East Coast? See, because that's like, that's old, like, Italian misspelling. Oh, you got to get a sandwich. Wow. I know people who say sandwich. Sandwich. That's crazy. Yeah. And then I thought of someone I knew who I was talking to one time, I don't know her, but she was talking about how she

grew up on an almond farm. And I later was like, almond? She meant salmon. Almond. She meant apple. She's just dumb. She's a fucking farm girl. What does she know?

I don't even know what you're saying. But I feel like there's someone listening to this who's annoyed by something we said within this that we said wrong. Oh, definitely. You know what I mean? Sure. And that's the thing. You can never win. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, even if I am correcting someone and I somehow just said it wrong in my correction of how people should say something,

and they're like, it's actually this, and someone's going crazy out there. So I don't know. There's really, you do have to let it go. I probably said like five times when I was explaining. Right. Well, that's what inspired me to say, don't even bother. Because literally also is a pestilence.

It's not just her roommate that's saying literally incorrectly. Everyone does that. Yeah. Literally everyone. Literally everybody does that. Yeah. Literally everyone. Literally everybody does that. Right. Literally.

That's the mistake, right? It's ironic, but... Because not everyone. Yeah. Ironically enough, literally everyone. I will say irony is something that I don't fully...

Like, I wouldn't... Yeah. It's like pornography. I know it when I see it, but I can't articulate what it is. Like, if you ask me what does irony mean, I couldn't tell you.

But if you say, is that ironic? I would say yes, to be honest. Ironic is just something that makes you go, oh, that's interesting in a specific way. But I can't define it. No, it's not. That's not true. Irony is when you, oh, fuck. No, it's not.

Shut up. Hold on. It's an expectation and then the exact opposite thing. So it's not just something that's like inconvenient or not what you expected. Which is why, isn't it ironic that song is so wrong because it's just all inconvenient or unfortunate. It's coincidence. What about, what about a doctor smoking cigarettes?

How about a lung doctor? How about a lung doctor? How about a lung doctor? Like who operates on people with lung things? A pulmonary surgeon. Yes, pulmonary. That's ironic. Yes. That's ironic.

Wait, I bet you pulmonary is not even right. No, it is. It is. I just learned that because I thought it was heart. Oh, yeah. That's cardiac, right? Yeah. Cardiologist.

Cardiologist. But I thought pulmonary was related to the heart, but it's like a pulmonary embolism. I just looked this all up and I'm gonna tell you what it is. But it's a lung issue. Right, yeah. But yeah.

All right, let's switch gears, but just a little bit. It's literally fine. All right. Ironically, let's switch gears to another lady's question.

A 22-year-old female. Gabrus, why don't you name this lady? Jacques. Ooh, I like that one. Why? Why did you point to Jake and lady? Jacques. Ooh, I like that one. Why? Why did you point to Jake and wink?

Is there an inside joke there that I don't get? No, it's a callback that you don't get. To Dashboard? Yes. Got it. Exactly. Jacques writes, I'm a 22-year-old female about to graduate college in May. I want to go on a solo trip abroad by myself afterwards.

I'm currently torn between Iceland, Ireland, and New Zealand. I know y'all have been to each of those, so I was wondering which one y'all recommend, particularly for a female solo traveler. If y'all have a better place than those three and y'all recommend more, I would love to hear it. Thanks so much. Shocks. We've got a female traveler on the podcast today. Hi. I was talking about Gabri.

Sorry. Put on the wig and let's hear the voice. You sure this isn't offensive, guys? Trust me. It's ironic. The only travel I've done alone, besides for work and stuff where it's all being really taken care of is for is like to meet a friend in another country and so i don't only have the experience to say what it's like to just stay in places by yourself and walk around by yourself in another country um but i do enjoy the feeling of like having to

figure something out by myself and like get on the right train and find the friend and do all that stuff and that's really fun but like i haven't i've i haven't been to ireland iceland or what was that new zealand so i can't speak to those but i do have a friend who did like woofing in new zealand what is where you like go and work on farms and do different things and i think that's also a great way to do solo travel i've had a few friends do that and i think it's like people yeah and it's like kind of they set you up with a home and you and you have something to do. But I think she traveled around New Zealand and really loved it and felt, she never complained about feeling unsafe.

And she even met some cool guys that she fucked. So, hey. Oh, dude, go get some New Zealand dick. They're all tall and hot. It's Kiwi dick. That feels safe. I feel like if you end up

having sex with someone and you don't leave the country hating the experience and that whole thing, it probably was good. Double win. Yeah, that's a good sign, yeah. I yeah I was gonna say advice for a solo traveler pick a language you know that's kind of helpful for the first like if you're doing it for the first

time so Ireland and New Zealand better than Iceland well I feel like I was just in Portugal and everybody spoke English. Oh, yeah. Portugal is great. That's good. That's good. Everyone should speak English everywhere. I'm glad they're changing. They don't even speak English in my fucking neighborhood here in Los Angeles.

And they speak fucking English in Lisbon, baby. You're giving horrible people a good argument. Yeah, right. I'm constantly doing that. That's pretty solid. I've been to New Zealand twice out of those things

and I fucking loved it and I only went to Auckland and an island off of Auckland and I know that there's so much more there's the fucking Hobbit Island what was that island off of Auckland? it's called Waiheke Island and I went twice because it was one of my favorite places I've ever been in also I would say for,

she's saying y'all, I'm assuming she's American, to choose for the first one after college, I say choose New Zealand because that's the longest flight, the furthest to be from. As you get into the workforce and you need more time off

to go to some place that far away. I would say, if I were just going to pick one, Iceland, I don't feel like sounds like a place you could be for a long time by yourself.

I do think Ireland could be interesting. I've also known somebody who went there by themselves and got extremely depressed. Because it's gray. Because it's very, yeah.

And drinking. Yes. And that's the culture. Brown and gray and green. And you might just fall into that depending on your personality. Yeah.

But New Zealand could, I mean, yeah, those three wouldn't be in my top three choices though places to go by myself so it's really hard for me to wait did you say you can give her like a whole brand new suggestion yeah let's go anywhere what's none of the above i would say to go to europe to me that and you could go to so many different countries if you're traveling for a while yeah it depends on how long she's going for. But if you have time, I would say go somewhere where you can bounce around to a bunch of different places

and cultures and see a lot. Right, you can get a bunch of different experiences. Also, you can do the Iceland stopover thing on your way to Europe. Yeah. You can spend like three days in Iceland real easy.

Yeah, Iceland is not expensive either, I hear. It's not expensive to get to, but once you're there, it's expensive. So then you wouldn't want to do a short time. Yeah, exactly.

If you were going to be, if this is like, i want to solo travel for a while then i would say find a home base like in europe and then because that would be my dream and maybe i'm just like uh living vicariously through um jocks but if i like i would like live in barcelona for a couple of months and then take trains every week. You're talking about mainland Europe, not like the Iceland-Ireland Europe, which are islands off the coast. I'm saying get close so you can take a train. You can go to France. You can go to England.

You can do countryside in those areas. And trains are beautiful, fast, and not expensive once you're inside Europe, into Europe. And flying's not expensive. And flying's not expensive either And flying's not expensive either. There's so much to do. All right, what's your vote? I like all of that. I think my vote would be

also New Zealand because Iceland is very lonely even when you go with people. Yeah, you were crying a lot on your bachelor party. Yeah, well, that was for a different reason. It does seem that way, though. You did Iceland for your bachelor party? Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. I did lot on your bachelor party yeah well that was for a different reason it does seem that way though

you did Iceland for your bachelor party yeah that's awesome I did Germany but also I'm thinking maybe because of her choices maybe she's been to Europe

and that's why she would pick these three kind of seemingly random yeah that's possible New Zealand I think is the most manageable because you know

their country is made for tourists everyone you know like you said there's no huge language barrier and there's lots of like natural beauty. Like there is in Iceland. The weather is probably better than Ireland.

So I think New Zealand is my vote too. Oh, but you know what's one little hiccup is if it's after school, that's the middle of the New Zealand winter. But even in New Zealand, even like a New Zealand winter, like a lot of it is like LA winter where it's not like winter jackets and stuff like that. Cool. It's not like the East Coast. But it is the flip of us.

Right. Yeah, that's actually true. Wait, so she'd be going in the summer? I'm guessing. I don't know. I just imagine if it's after she graduates. Yeah, graduates in May. Maybe she's graduating.

Oh, she graduates in May? Yeah. All right. So New Zealand is the consensus pick, but you can't go wrong with any of those other We went to New Zealand in June. Yes. And in Queenstown, there's a lot of like expat people you could meet. Yeah.

And it was like snowy in the mountains, but like Gibber said, it wasn't freezing cold. Yeah. Expat. Oh, sorry. No, I was going to say it also depends on how social this person wants to be on their travels. Because like, I don't want to meet a lot of people. Me either. I like solo travel and staying solo.

I would rather just like walk around by myself than like meet a friend at a bar that I don't want to meet a lot of people. Me either. I like solo travel and staying solo. I would rather just walk around by myself than meet a friend at a bar that I don't know and then be like, want to hang out? Yeah, that fucking blows to me. I don't know. It's really depending on that person. No, I don't mind shit. I'm in between where I'll be like, oh, I'll meet this person at the bar. I'll be like, hey, we're going to the Louvre in the morning.

You want to come with? I'll be like, oh, that sounds great. And then at halfway through the day, I'll be like, Welp, it was a pleasure meeting you. See you never again. Like, I don't want to- Have you done solo traveling, Gabrus?

Only like for work type situations. I've been in a relationship since I was like, had money to travel. So it's like, I can't really get a solo trip. But I did go to Auckland with Tiff

while she was there for work. So I was home alone. It's actually the best of both worlds. I'm like adventuring all day and then at night eating dinner with my wife and sleeping with her. That is perfect. Well, sleeping near her. In my little

doggy bed at the foot of the bed where I sleep. Obviously perfect would be spending every waking moment with your wife though. Not for her. Alright, let's take a break we'll answer some more questions after these messages quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop,

one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesdayuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new it's kind of like having a new

personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com visionlifters? yeah visionlifters with a Z and not where you think and it's not biz with a Z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do

that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back hey lapkus and or gabrus do you guys have any unsolicited advice mom i'm coming gross

uh unsolicited advice staring at a mirror i said mom i'm coming kind of as a goof once and this guy this prankster really put it in the tease he was correct to do that and I get that do you guys have any unsolicited advice I have a piece of advice that my dad would give me like anytime I would go

out like growing up like New Year's Eve St. Paddy's Day Halloween days like that he would always say act like you've been there before, Johnny. He sounds like Trump a little bit. That's how I can do a Trump accent is because my dad sounded like him. But act like you've been there before was apparently something a Giants coach said in reference to a wide receiver over-partying. I think it was Parcells, to be honest. Someone, like, over over partying after scoring.

He's like, no, we score touchdowns. Act like you've been there. Oh, that's solid. So it's like, don't celebrate too much. Yeah, it's like just when you walk into a place and it's like, don't, this isn't, Will Ferrell says it in Step Brothers too. I remember my first beer.

And it's sort of that of just like, chill out. Who cares if this is the first time you've ever been to a Hollywood red carpet party. You have to act like you've done it before and have a little class have a little class don't go ape shit don't be like whoa look free shrimp you know like just be fucking oh my god you're giving me flashbacks but probably every time i did that there's free alcohol matt damon did you see that you can have as much shrimp as you want. There's like a picture of like the tabloids of Matt Damon, like when we see lab gets behind him waving shrimp kebabs.

I have unsolicited advice that I'll give to your listeners to live within your means. I just, I'm really obsessed with saving money. And I have seen people do it very horribly where they just like spend outside of their means and end up losing everything. Yeah, going broke. Going broke. And this is true of you. If you're like, if you don't have much money, it's not about like being rich and buying a house that's too expensive or something. Like, I think it's really important to not have credit cards that are beyond,

you know, what you can afford. Don't buy things that you don't need if you can't pay for it upfront. And that's my advice. Do you use anything to like manage your spending, like apps that track what you're spending your money on? I used to when I was like, like really struggling with money and trying to make, you know,

make sure I paid all my bills. I had like constant alerts on my accounts and everything. I feel like I've gotten lax with that where I'm like, but I have a good sense of what I have and what I can and can't do. So I'm not just going to buy a car because I want one or something.

It's just... I'm going to have you ambush my wife in a conversation. I'll be like, oh yeah, we just talked, oh, Lapkus, you talk about how you save a lot of money? You should sit her down and listen to this podcast. I'll take this part out.

Is there anything that you don't buy or you learn the hard way where like, I accidentally got a car when I got my first paycheck and now I can't afford it? No, there was almost a point where I made a decision that would have been irresponsible, but I got really scared and then I didn't do it um without getting into total you know details about it because I just don't want to um is this the yacht situation yeah I almost bought a yacht so um yeah I guess I'll just say it I almost bought a yacht and I felt like I wasn't really going to use it that much yeah well if you name your yacht stand up for the pledge of allegiance

motherfucker that's kind of you're asking the whole sign um i i really yeah but i just i i freaked out and it was like okay i don't want to actually make this decision that's a good sign like if you're freaking out about a decision it's like well you know what maybe let's not make it yeah and so i don't know i and it's something my dad really ingrained it's another dad advice but my dad really ingrained that in me and it's one of those things where i don't know if i have the phrase right. So I actually can expect what we were talking about before. Keep, I always thought, and I don't know if this is correct, keep your nut low. And I don't, I don't know if it's net or nut, but I think it's nut. Your monthly nut. Yeah.

What do you, so jerk off in the corner. Yeah, yeah. Keep your nut low. Underneath the baseboards. I always thought it was so weird to me. No, like your monthly nut is like what you owe to whoever, whether it's your rent and all that. And so I've always kept that mentality of like I want to just know that I can pay all my bills and not feel I'm in over my head. And as you like have gotten older and like made more money, do you like – I guess you're not like keeping your nut super low. You're like re-expanding it within your means. You're like, okay, now I can like afford. I can live here and I can have this. I can buy these clothes or something.

Whereas before I would never have done these things. But like I tend to upgrade my home like regularly. I move so much and like I've moved so many times. And I like to be like, okay, now I can afford a two-bedroom. I'm going to get a two-bedroom. Two-bedroom with an office. Yeah, yeah. So like I let myself do those things, but not beyond what I would feel.

I'm trying to like learn to do that because there's like some things that I spend recklessly on. Like if I'm traveling and I'm like, oh, this hotel is much, like this one looks way cooler. I like spend a lot of money. I can't see a $200 difference like, you know, when I'm traveling. Because when I'm traveling, I'm like, I'm already all in. I feel that way when I travel, too. It's really hard to budget when you're traveling. Thinking about that woman who wants to

go do that, it is like, that's a hard part of planning because you want to go somewhere you can afford to be the whole time. You want to be there without freaking out about not having enough money. Flying around Europe might be hard at 22 after college. Right, exactly. So I was thinking about that element. Like, oh, you might not want to be there without freaking out about not having enough money. Yeah, flying around Europe might be hard at 22 after college. Right, exactly. So I was thinking about that element. Like, oh, you might not want to be able to

bounce around to so many different places because that makes it more expensive or whatever. Yeah. I hope she's still listening. I hope she doesn't think that we answered her question. She's like, now to finish the other half of this on my first class flight to New Zealand. Oh, no! It's just that the lamb's

really expensive there. I also wish my, like, I don't think my dad gave me, like, a pearl of wisdom. Awesome. All right, next question. He still has time, but, like, the only thing that I... I haven't learned squat from my old man. I mean, my parents taught me a lot of stuff,

but I don't have, like, my dad always said, like, the thing that he says the most is remember to brush your teeth. That's pretty good. That's a good one. That's a simple one, but that really will get you a little further. Because it's very I only brush in the morning. I'm a monster. Are you fucking kidding me?

I know I have to. I've only heard the opposite. It's like I only brush at night, but I don't brush in the morning. You just brush in the morning. You gotta brush. Let go the full day eating and then fall asleep. I brush post-coffee. I'm basically always scared that I have disgusting breath.

I'm constantly chewing gum and constantly brushing my teeth. I'm afraid. That's good. That's a good fear. I probably just do have bad breath. I've never smelled your breath. Right. I literally texted Latkus after one episode one time.

I was like, I feel like my breath smelled today. He was like, I didn't smell anything. I'm like, well, thank God. I literally had to say that so you had the out to go, yeah, it did. Like, just so you know. I'm calling myself out.

But Gabrus, do you get ready for bed or do you pass out? I'm, I, when I'm being good, when I get ready for bed, I brush my teeth

and put in my Invisalign. Nice. You do Invisalign? I finished it, but now I'm just on the night braces. I want to do it. Let me see your teeth. Damn, they're nice.

I don't want to do that. I've got to cross over. It's pretty easy. Oh, you do? I have one tooth that's shifted, and it bothers me, but I think I'm going to do that. I can take care of that.

Invisalign is easy. Give me like 30 seconds. You're just going to pull it? Dr. Blumenfeld. No, no, not pull it. I push it. It's kind of confusing, but it'll make sense.

I pull all the other teeth. All right, let's try to answer some more questions. You pull every teeth, all the teeth, but that one. That one's straight now. That one's correct. That one's correct. It's called Sparta kissing. All right, this guy's name is Jake.

What do you think? What do you think his name is? Me? Yeah. No, I never give names. I want to give a name. Yeah, look at, Jesus Christ. I want to give a name. Jesus Christ, I really caught you flat-footed.

I was so scared. Bruntal. Jake's brushing his teeth. What'd you say? Bruntal. Bruntal is really good. I felt Amelia was too boring. Bruntal's great. Imagine if I came up with one. Bruntal writes, Hey guys, I have a concerning problem that I need some consulting. For the past week, I have been waking up around midnight to take a shit. I know this isn't a big deal, but I have been waking up around midnight to take a shit.

I know this isn't a big deal, but I think of this as an old person thing to do. I'm only 22. Does this mean I'm getting older? Do you guys wake up from a deep sleep with an urge to go number two? Thanks, big fan of the show. P.S. Come to Columbus, Ohio. So that's another option for this girl. That is hard because I'm going to question the diet and schedule of this girl. That is hard because I'm going to

question the diet and schedule of this person. Maybe one of those things has changed recently. Like right before bed, meatloaf, decaf coffee. Maybe they're eating later than they usually do because they have a different job or something. Or if he's drinking. Yeah, or drinking. When I drink, that'll happen. And sudden urge to shit kind of implies diarrhea to me. If it's regular

shit, then that's interesting to me. I wake up every morning having to shit. You wake up having to shit, but have you ever woken up in the middle of the diarrhea to me. If it's regular shit, then that's interesting. I wake up every morning. We should do a doctor podcast. You wake up having to shit, but have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to shit? I wake up to shit. Like the way people wake up and have to piss.

I wake up and I have to poop. But then you don't pee until noon. Yeah. I go, oh my, I pee once right before bed. It's thick. I drop a crystal. Ew, I feel sick.

It's like maple syrup. A rock hard crystal. It's like Jurassic Park, the Ew, I feel sick. It's like maple syrup. A rock hard crystal. It's like Jurassic Park, the amber. That is sick. There's always a mosquito in it. You don't need to flush because it's so dense, it finds its way down the pipe. Oh no, I hate it.

It is a shit. But I have woken up, sometimes if I overeat right before bed or I've been drinking, I'll wake up. I never wake up at midnight because I usually go to bed around 1130. That's, like, early in the night. Yeah, for a 22-year-old to be like. He's sleeping from 8 to 4, though.

Well, that makes me think his schedule might be weird. But then, like, I was thinking about when I was 22, I had really bad eating habits. And, like, I was broke and I ate, like, just bullshit from the dollar store. Like, I just ate, like, whatever. What'd I ate like, just bullshit from the dollar store. Like, I just ate like, whatever. What'd you eat? Give me an example of a dinner.

I ate a ton of rum and like, packets. Yeah. I ate like, eggs, like a ton of eggs just because it was cheap.

I eat a ton of eggs now. But it was like, I mean, there was a period of time when I was eating like, I was eating scrambled eggs for dinner. And then at night being like,

well, it's cheap to have like, eat more eggs. It's 22, you guys were living in New York? I was in Chicago. But when I moved to New York, that was when it got worse. So I was like 23.

And yeah, because that's when my parents weren't helping me buy groceries. But I would eat just like really gross stuff and eat a lot of fried food and pizza, but like really sloppy shit.

And like my, I was constantly surprised by when I had to go to the bathroom. Like it was like, I thought I had really bad IBS. And then, no, like I don't have that. It just didn't occur to you that you were eating fried food all the time.

Well, that's like the 22-year-old diet for me was like rice and beans from Bonita because it was $2 like all the time. And then every once, like once a week, twice a week, I would drink 15 beers and then have like four slices of pizza at three in the morning. And I'd be like, wow, my stomach really. Meanwhile, you probably have a gluten sensitivity and you're lactose intolerant.

And I am lactose intolerant. And I was eating pizza all the time and just like shitting my pants. I have and I'm gluten sensitive, as I've learned now in my older age, which sucks. Yeah, because I've learned now in my older age, which sucks. Because I never put it together. And my doctor one time was like, well, have you tried like exclude? Because I was like, sir, I'm still shitting exclusively in emergency situations. And I'm 34.

And he was like, have you tried leaving something out of your diet? He's like, it could be eggs. It could be this thing. It could be this thing. And he said it could be gluten. And I was like. You tried gluten last? I tried gluten first because I was like. You eat the most of it. Yeah. I do feel. It could be this thing. And he said it could be gluten. And I was like... You tried gluten last? I tried gluten first because I was like, I do feel worse when I...

Yeah, I do feel the worst when I drink beer and I feel like... But I don't feel awful if I eat a lot of meat and drink tequila. So I was like, oh. Because that's when I was dieting. That's what I was eating. And so I left gluten out of my diet for three weeks and I just remember being like, it is gluten.

I was hoping to be like, I still have diarrhea. I hope it's just like, oh, it's ketchup that I can't have. I hope it's broccoli. Is it broccoli? But I do think like when you're 22, and like I don't want to assume anything about this person that maybe they're really aware of themselves. But like I don't think I was aware of myself enough to understand like what my body was doing or why. And so it could be a thing like that where it's like you might just not recognize

the things that you're eating are not, you have a pattern. Yes. There's actually a lot of butter in this dish. Oprah once said, and she probably didn't say this because it sounds like she would not. Yeah.

Maybe it was a doctor guest who was on the show, but regardless, I learned from Oprah that your shit's supposed to look like a brown banana. That's like a healthy shit. Wow. I know. Mine looks like a brown banana that a motorcycle burned down on top of. It's all over the wall.

Gabrus looks like what's left over after you make veggie juice. So if this person's shit is not healthy, it's not a healthy shit, then it might be your diet. Yeah. Yeah. We should do a follow-up where he sends us a photo of his shit. Just send it to just Lauren.

Yeah, just, yeah, I really want that. Here's my personal home address. That would be so scary. That would be, do not send me. Mail mail the develop photo.

I don't even, I don't even trust the photo. Like, I need him to actually shit in a box and mail it to her and send it to Lapkus. No, I want a video, I want the video sent in a box with the photo. Like, I need him to actually shit in a box. I want to watch your video. No, I want the video sent in a box with the shit. Phantom cam, ultra HD.

Can I tell the brief story of the shit video that you made when you were probably 22? I know, and I would love to hear the story, but we can't delve too deep. Amir set a Canon PowerShot. It was a Sony Handycam. I resent the accusation that I was using a digital camera. Amir set a digital camera up on a bathtub and filmed a profile of him shitting, squatting above the toilet, and then reversed the video so it looked like the shit was flying into his butt. And you showed it to a lot of people

I'm not gonna I'm not gonna apologize for being an artist nor should I anyways you can do that I just how often do you

not see like you do it every day I've never seen shit come out of my ass right and it happens all the time I did hear on Savage Love

in the reflection of the water yeah I guess I've gotten the idea on Savage Love you guys ever heard that podcast? Yes. I love it.

Savage Love it? Another non-HeadGum podcast. Boo. That was a HeadGum podcast. Dan Savage, love and relationships columnist, talking about love and relationship advice. But he had this guy call in,

or no, the woman called in who found out that her husband had been filming the toilet, basically. Oh, no. And she had discovered on the computer that he had, like, a shit fetish.

A log log. A toilet fetish. A log log. And he'd been filming her against her knowledge, like, without her knowledge. And then she was terrified and, like, called in and was like, what am I supposed to do because I didn't know?

And she's like, I actually am willing to work with this, but the secrecy is the problem that really got me. She is. I was doing this when I wasn't aware. And then we have children, and then that was Savage's main concern was that the kids were being filmed and then that's a whole different world. But isn't that crazy? I mean, I

guess everyone has a fetish for something, but the idea of finding out that your partner was filming you shitting. Did he put it in the water facing up or did he use the toilet bowl cam, like a little bit of an eyesight under the lip or did he go like you could see the person I think what's interesting there is like there are

so many toilet cam websites are there? I don't really know about this there are a lot I mean I don't like it rattle these off from my other tattoo I know a lot about porn bowl hole's not bad.

Thank you. You guys hear I said dookie dames. Dookie dames is also great. I heard bowl, and also you said log blog earlier. A log log. Yeah, a log log. A log log. I'm surprised that he doesn't turn to the wide world of the dark web,

and he really wanted it to be his wife's shit. Well, he also had been. She found that he had videos of that. Oh, other people too. Oh, back to unsolicited advice. Dan Savage gave, I think, the best marriage and potentially relationship advice

that you could ever give. Never go to bed hangry. And at least it's really worked for me and this is too much information. Well, I want to hear this now. Fuck before. I know. I know.

I heard that on there. It's the best advice. It's absolutely the best advice. It is because you're full and you're tired. And you can eat what you want. And then you're disappointed that it didn't happen. It makes me so happy that I do that already. Yes, exactly.

That's like a key to. And then it's like also just better for the date because you're like in a good energy. Right. And then there's also like, oh, what if we get a little bombed and it's harder later? We don't, or softer. Right. We don't have to. Right. Well, and I always feel like it's, if we get a little bombed and it's harder later, or softer. Right, and I always feel like you get drunk and you're just tired, or whatever. And you sort of like, that makes you go to bed

a little bit sad. Yeah, right. Even if both people don't want to, it's just like, oh shit, we're like, this is a depressing little place to be, where we're like, excusing each of, like, ourselves from intimacy. Yeah. Streeter, we were on a double date with Streeter one time, and we were talking, place to be where we're like excusing each of like ourselves from intimacy yeah Streeter uh I we were

on a double date with Streeter one time and we were talking he was talking about this phenomenon and he called it TFTF too fat to fuck and like you would have to decide during the meal like hey are we going for it cause like I don't you don't want one person to be like I skipped dessert so we could fuck and the other person's like I went

ham cause I didn't know we were, you know? At least be clear. Sex is off the table. Yeah, fuck before you go out. I want to eat all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. Fuck before you go out is like a dream. Also, even if you go to a party and stuff, because then you come back and you're like, oh, I just want to put on Hill House. You feel sexy when you fuck before a party, too.

It is, yeah. Because you show up with that glow. Yeah, and you're not like, you know, I'm usually super hard at parties. Same. For me to get it out of the system. It's like the something about Mary thing, too. It's like masturbate before the date to relax you. And you can put the jizz in your hair.

Oh, that was jizz? I gotta re-watch that movie. I'll tell you what, the movie's still funny. The character Warren doesn't hold up as much. Oh, dear. Here's another little bit of advice if we're going to talk about that. This was from a blog that I read, but Cup of Joe, if anybody out there reads that, I've been reading it for like 10 years. But she says to keep the spark in your relationship, meet up on a date.

Like meet at the restaurant. Don't commute together. And don't go together. Yeah, like if you're both coming from different places and you meet up. It does kind of feel fun. You know what makes it feel special? And then also it eliminates the like, because there's like, it becomes a routine where I'm standing waiting for Tiffany. Yeah, you're getting ready.

Or I'm like, I have to go to the bathroom. We're like, we're not talking to each other for the hour before we leave for the date because we're busy getting worked on or whatever. But like plan that ahead because there are a lot of times I will leave, and I will leave my girlfriend at home. And then she's like, where are you? I'm like, I think it's sexy if we meet at the place. But we're heading to Palm Springs for the weekend. She's like, what place did you go to?

She's like, I think it's sexy when you accidentally find each other. That's more of a meet-cute, don't you think? Yeah. I think fate will bring us together. Meanwhile, I'm at an Indian casino 90 minutes away. I'll give you one hint. It's not Morongo. Okay.

It was Morongo is the thing. Let me ask one more question just so we can get four Qs aid by the end of the episode. This is another lady's name. Back to Gabrus. Another lady's name that we can call this person. Fuck. That's a good name. Fuck.

That's a good start. Tina. That's nice. Thinking about it at all and then saying a good name. Fuck. That's a good start. Tina. That's nice. Thinking about it at all and then saying a normal name is funny. I was like, I don't know, Amelia? Let me think of my heroes. You and I have been improvising for a combined like 30 something years. Yeah, think of a name.

Normal name is the new fake name. All right. Tina writes, first of all, congratulations, Jake. I hope you're enjoying the married life. My question is, should I pay my share of the TV license fee for my shared house when I rarely watch TV? I figured you guys would be good TV question answers. TV license fee? So she doesn't live in another country.

This person doesn't live in America. Well, here's a little more information. I share my house at university with three others, two of whom watch TV all the time. I prefer Netflix. My share of the license fee would cost me 40 pounds a year. And as a student, I don't have much spare cash. If I was living alone, it would be something I wouldn't buy. But if the house has it, I will inevitably end up watching it occasionally. Is it fair that I have to pay a disproportionate high amount to how much I watch and essentially subsidize my friend's TV habits

or should I suck it up and consider it a tax on friendship? The third roommate, who, like me, doesn't watch TV, has already agreed to pay. I'm interested to hear your opinion. Thanks. That's really hard. I think everyone knows what I'm going to say here. Well, I'm kind of curious, actually. I don't think I know. I think this reminds me of the thing

when you go out with a group of people and they all have alcohol and you don't. Is this what you were thinking? No, I just have a very strong opinion. And then this reminds me of the thing where like when you go out with a group of people and like they all have alcohol and you don't. Is this what you were thinking? No, I just, I have a very, I have a very strong opinion. And then you have to split the check and it's like a hundred dollars and you had like a taco. I hate that fucking shit. And I, but like, especially when you're like broke, it's really annoying because you're

like, why am I paying for all of this? And I think that falls into that category of like, that's not fair, but because you live together and it's like kind of like a that's not fair. But, because you live together and it's kind of like a permanent thing and it's spread out over a year of payment, I sort of feel like

you have to kind of suck it up on that one. It's kind of like splitting the gas bill or something. I don't know. You can't like go back and measure how much TV

you consume versus. Right. Especially if you're admitting too that she is going to watch some TV. You kind of can't watch any at all if you're going to say that.

And otherwise, it's going to build resentment where people are like, she watched like three hours this week. And then suddenly they're like judging you for watching it because you said you were going to pay less. Right. And then you're not. Two things in my life. Well, we're two fingers to hold up for that. These two things. Is that normal?

Do you do that usually? Pinky and ring. Pinky and ring for the two. It looks really wrong. That really, yeah. Stop kissing them. He's sucking on them, everyone at home. Pinky and Ring. Pinky and Ring for the two. It looks really wrong. That really, yeah. Stop kissing them. He's sucking on them, everyone at home. He's whistling a little bit.

The whistle tip. The two things that happened to me in my life that I still can never forget is one time my first... Oh. Three things. Three things, yeah. You don't want to know which three fingers

you just held up. In my first apartment in Brooklyn, my roommate, me and – I lived with two other dudes. Me and one of the other dudes found ourselves – we had bought – exclusively just the two of us have bought toilet paper for the apartment for like three months. We say to the third guy, hey, you got to buy toilet paper for the apartment every once in a while. And he goes, I shit at work and I was like that's the cheapest and now

and then you know what else is going on now me and the other roommate are dying to catch you shitting so fuck it show them the camera it's true though when you have a roommate then you become so like oh they never wash the dishes.

Oh you know you start to get like really nitpicky once you are aware. Guarantee the other three will talk about her relentlessly if she doesn't pitch in.

And if the other person said they're not going to watch TV at all and they're doing it you have to meet them at that level. The choice is like resent or be resented.

Yeah. Right. Would you rather hate or be hated? I would rather resent. Yeah. I like the chip on the door. You take the higher road by resenting someone else.

It's one of the shitty things about living with other people, though, is that it's everyone's problem. What if she uses the same excuse? They're like, you have to pay for the TV. And she's like, you know what? I shit at work. And you're like, what are you talking about? Wait, what's the second or the third thing? I have an idea.

Oh, yeah, I do want to hear your other thing. You'll never forget. Is there a world where she pays, since she has Netflix, she lets them all share her Netflix password and doesn't pay for the TV? That's a good compromise. I feel like if she's cheap, she's probably using somebody else's Netflix. But she can still share it. Oh, that's true.

As long as it's on the common area. So that no one in the house has to pay for Netflix. Yeah, so you say, I'll get Netflix and Hulu. Meanwhile, she's stealing it from somebody else. Right, she's like, how about you guys you say, I'll get Netflix and Hulu. Meanwhile, she's stealing it from somebody else. Right. She's like, how about you guys split that? Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go. Any login service.

But that's nice. And my mom's credit card's hooked up to my Uber, so I can do whatever you guys want with that. When Netflix first came out, when it was discs, this was my second apartment. I was living with my wife and my best friend. Well, she was my girlfriend then. That's a sitcom. Yeah. The three of was my girlfriend then. That's a sitcom. Yeah. The three of us were living together.

The guy's girlfriend, who's now his wife, we were in the car, the four of us driving together, and we were like, we got to get Netflix. And I was like, I want to get the DVDs. And him and his wife are kind of cheap. But she wasn't living with us. He was. And I was like, it's $9 a month. So it comes to $3.

Me and Tiff are still splitting bills at that point. So it's like, like it's nine dollars a month so it comes to three me and tiff are still splitting bills at that point so it's like it's three dollars each a month and his wife goes i don't have to pay for that do i and i was like you are at our house all the time which is totally fine but now i'm going to be like i don't want to see you watching my DVDs. Because $3 also is so little. $9 split four ways is $2.58. She was like, do I have to pay $20 a year? And also, that's something like... You could lose $20 and not know anyone. If you're staying at someone else's house,

and I also know what she spends her money on because she's a good friend, so I was like, Jesus Christ, you fucking monster. I think that's the answer, right? If she says no, then her quality of life is very diminished. She can't only not watch. She has to be

super aware of if she's ever watching TV. But she also, if her two roommates are watching TV, she wouldn't even want to sit down on the corner of a couch and look. Because they would start to be mad. You can't even listen. You can't even listen from your room. Yeah, so my answer to her advice is yes, chip in.

And then also, yes, watch TV. You're in college. This is the time to do that. But she likes Netflix shows more or whatever. But I mean, I do think you could chip in. And if you want to be really amazing, offer to share the Netflix password and chip in. And then just be a great person that they all love.

That's cool. The best roommate ever. That license fee is like your friendship fee. Yeah. They'll all love you for that. I feel strongly about something you said earlier, so do you want to get into it? Oh, the taco and alcohol?

Yep. I have a very strong opinion about that. In the exact opposite direction. Yep. I think everyone has to split. I think everyone has to split. It's a bummer if you're like- But if you're an alcoholic

and you don't drink. Well, then I think it's on the people who are to recognize that. Yeah. So the other six people have to go, hey, and Lapkus,

you're not drinking, so blah, blah, blah. But at the same time, I think when you decide to go out to dinner in a group, you have to understand that you're paying

the group meal tax, which is like, I'm not here to keep track of who's eating what. But that changes with money and age. I think it... I don't go out to dinner with people again if they are the keep track of what everyone ordered type people. I would do it now.

I would in the past. You have to when you're... When everyone's broke, it does make sense to be like, order within your means. I think you shouldn't lose out on socializing because you have less money than people. Well, you should if everyone else wants to go out and go ham and not deal with it. I know, but

I mean, I don't know. I have friends who don't have money where I would not feel comfortable being like, you have to split this with me and I know they don't have the money and they don't eat that much. The onus is on the drinkers or the big bill people. Because I will do that. I'll be like, if me and Tiff and a

third person go out to dinner, I'm not like, we've got to split this evenly. You know what I mean? Or even if another couple comes out and they don't drink, I'm not like, let's split this evenly. I'm like, hey, I think if we split it evenly and we pay the tip, I think it'll come out to around... Right, I think offering to pay the tip is a good solution there for making that person... I just don't think

the casual split... I love it! You don't want everybody with their phones out and telling a waitress, like, will you do $24 on this card and $9 on this card? No, I completely agree, and it does feel like... I do think that's an ease of having money. Right. Like when you're like,

okay, I have a job now, and it's not as scary for me to just say that was $100 or something. Yeah, totally. But when you are the person worrying about the money, it's really stressful. Do you know what's less stressful and less expensive for that person? Not coming out. Stay home. What I'm saying, you should always go on socializing.

Stay home. Or invite everyone to hang out at your house. It's just like on everybody to be a thoughtful friend. If I invite somebody out who has a drinking problem and doesn't drink, then it's on me to know that they didn't drink. Or if I know someone that is broke, I would be like, hey, I can

cover this for you. You made me pay your cable bill. We weren't even living together. Well, you're loaded, Blumenfeld. Your dad's a gynecologist. You brought me to dinner and you said, I don't want to just split this bill. I want to split this bill. And this bill. Suddenly I'm paying for a two-month split deal.

That's a fun, old-timey sketch. Oh, that's cool. Do people still make sketches or are we all gonna die so nobody cares anymore? I think most people are making videos commenting on old sketches these days. Oh, that's cool. I thought I was giving you a lob. People are making videos commenting on old sketches these days. Oh, that's cool. Oh, shit.

Ouch. I thought I was giving you a lob. He's going to let us promote our Patreon. On your podcast. That's patreon.com slash JA. Thanks, Gabrus. I can't believe you were never in a Jake in a Mirror. You weren't, right?

I can. All right, we're out of time. That's the end of the show. I was never in a Jake in a Mirror video. That's crazy. That's correct, yes. That is weird. Because the show. I was never in a Jake and Amira video. That's crazy. That's correct, yes. That is weird. Because you were around, you were in a bunch of college humor videos. Yeah, I think it was sort of the thing where college humor was like, we're the funniest

people ever. There's no way anyone who didn't come up in this building is funnier than us. Yeah. Sort of vibe that you guys put out. And that's what I thought. Me. That's a classic Blumenfeld thing. No, that changed after like a year.

But for a hot minute, everyone, and then like, you know, like you guys were all like, we're the fucking kings of comedy. And it's like, yeah, all right. The crazy thing is we were right. Like we were the kings and still are of comedy. It's awesome.

Yes, you guys are. Yeah. All right, anything else to say? Do you have anything left to promote you talked about Raised by TV Raised by TV please listen and you can listen to it everywhere but there are also new episodes released on Stitcher Premium

if you go to stitcherpremium.com slash raised by TV and use code TV you get a free month to listen and that also gets you tons of other shows on Stitcher Premium including Freedom my show with Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins. Wow. Which is a really fun show

and I think it'll make you laugh. What's Freedom about? We really just talk about stories from our lives and do bits and it's really stupid. It's three people who play amazing hysterical characters on every other podcast being themselves on a podcast together. Thank you.

Which is a very... It's really fun and that also has episodes being released for free but if you want early access Stitcher Premium with our code that I just said and you know

that's the main stuff right now I'd say do whatever else you want in your life yeah other than that once you watch

listen to all of my podcasts then you're allowed to do whatever you want in your life that's really cool yeah but that's the hierarchy you want to plug

your other shows yeah yeah listen to High and Mighty and I Had Gum podcast and listen to Action Boys on patreon.com slash actionboys or actionboys

with a Z dot biz. Nice. Wow. Nice. ZZ Top, I love it. It's a good use of a biz. Big investment.

Thanks so much for writing in and listening and if you have your own theme songs or your own questions, send them on down to ifirerwishow at gmail.com.

The opening one was a Dashboard Confessional parody and this closing one was written by somebody named Tom. Parody? Cover. You can't parody Dashboard. It's already hysterical. Sorry, is it satire or parody? I can never figure that out. Nice. Literally irony, dude. Call back.

All right, we'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. Mahalo. If I were, if I were you. If I were, if I were you. If I were, if I were you If I were If I were you If I were If I were you If I were If I were you Here is what I would do

If I were you If I were you Here's what I would do If I were you If I were you Here's what I would do The show starts now That was a HeadGum Podcast.

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