Segments - 357: Piece of Shit Car

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

In this episode we discuss tubas, masturbation, and surviving NYC on a budget.For more "If I Were You" we're doing bi-weekly bonus video episodes on Patreon.com/JA!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They are best of buddies. If I were you, show. Wow. That's got to be a tuba in there. That was a traditional New Orleans jazz band style theme by Jacob Kay. And it was him on the tuba, trombone, clarinet, tambourine, and singing. Whoa, he knows how to sing? He got a music undergrad, and now he's getting his master's in medical physiology.

Jesus. In hopes of going to med school. Smart and talented. You're going to have great bedside manner. What a great fucking dude that he can do all that. How do you learn the tuba, the trombone, the clarinet? I feel like I only know two of those things. Which ones do you know?

Well, I'm really good at tambourine. That's so not either of those things. And I'm you know? Well, I'm really good at tambourine. That's so not. And I'm proficient in the clarinet. Either of those things. The clarinet. So you said you're lying about both of those. No. But you're at the very least wrong about.

The tuba is an interesting one because I am a bad. B plus. A tuba. You've never touched a tuba. You've never even. Tuba's the big like brassy. Maybe seen a tuba. You've never touched a tuba. You've never even. Tuba's the big like brassy. Maybe seen a tuba, but I wouldn't even think that you've held one for a second. Yeah.

Because you didn't even really know how to describe it just now. It's like. Big brassy. It's basically, it's the way I describe it to people that don't know. It's like, it is what it sounds like. So like, it is. It'd be like, picture a tuba. That's not bad.

Yeah, it's a tuba. And then a trombone is like, trombone, trombone, trombone, trombone. And then it's like,

they don't make the sound of their name. Clarinet, clarinet, clarinet. Like if you think of like a waltz, or like, then a tambourine is like, tr-t-t-t-t-tamb or like a tambourine, it's like.

Do French horn. French horn. French horn. French horn. Is there a French accent on that? Yeah, because it's like, every instrument is basically called that because of the noise it makes. You think once you learn the trombone, it's kind of like a love language thing where you can like... Yeah, like if I understand Spanish...

The tuba's a little easier. Yeah, because I can play trombone. Yeah, if I can play the trombone, then I got the trumpet. Yeah, exactly. That's why. So I learned trumpet and then it's like... No, you didn't.

You didn't. We're just like having a philosophical conversation about music instruments. Don't try to insert some level of expertise. Okay. We're on equal footing here. We don't know a lot about music instruments. If you can play these three instruments,

you can play every instrument. Ready? Okay. Guitar, obviously. That's the Latin. The Gypsy King style. Fine.

Guitar. What's the other two? What's it called with the like... You can't even name the other instruments? No, I can. It looks like you're doing piano. Drums. Drums?

You are... That was not... Drums is sort of the love language of like... Boom, boom, boom. My heart beats for you. It is thumping in a rhythm. Over, overjoyed. And then lastly, the third, like, that's like unrelated.

That's the worst song lyrics I've ever heard. My heart beats for you in a rhythm. It is over, over, overjoyed. Joy. Worse. And then triangle. And you think if you know the triangle, the drums, the guitar,

you know every single... Those are like the three primary colors of music. I mean, triangle and drum is basically the same instrument. You could have done a third, much more diverse instrument. Like, you don't even have a horn in there. You don't. You could have done, like, I don't know, like a violin, like something a little more, like, classical.

You could have done something a little more, like, ethnic. I actually have something to admit. That you don't know anything i for real actually don't i only know how to play tuba you don't know how to play tuba why won't you at least give me that like i'm willing to just don't lie you can lie all you want but don't frame your lie as like you're going to come clean and then you tell one final lie. Okay.

That actually really gets my goat. All right. I don't know how to do music. I just know how to do like sports and politics, which is fine. Like Wolf Blitzer made a whole fucking career and he doesn't know how to play the trumpet. He actually is a really good trombonist. Yes. Bill Clinton did play the sax,

so I kind of believe it. It's sort of the same thing. Wolf Blitzer probably plays an instrument. Yeah. He's a creative type. He plays the xylo. Really? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Isn't it weird the instruments they teach you when you're in like third grade? Like, all right, so we're going to teach you a little how to sing. Yeah. Then also you how to sing. Yeah. Then also you'll do recorder. Yeah. It's probably just the easiest one.

Then you'll do xylophone. Mm-hmm. You can't, like, get that wrong. Like, even when you play a xylophone incorrectly, it still kind of sounds nice. That's true. Did you ever have a friend with drums and it was just so fucking loud in the house?

He's like, watch this. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. the house he's like watch this yeah it's like this is deafening even good drumming is so loud it hurts i was in a couple bands i would play drums with my friends in the basement well i didn't play drums i was uh guitar yeah but playing guitar like guitar is wasn't loud enough because the drums were like turned up to 10 and everything else we would turn up the oh so like you have to 10 and everything else was kind of slow. Oh, we would turn up the amp. Oh, so like you have to use the amplifier to make it sound like. But like there's no, I need a de-amplifier for the drums.

Nice. Like pads. If you're sort of like a nerd dad like that, you could do like electronic drum set. Oh, yeah. So the kids got headphones. Isn't there like pads that they put? Yeah, you have like drum pads so it's a little less loud too yeah that's what i would do to my fucking kid let's see him fucking be loud to his old man is there any instrument that you if your kid was like i really want to learn this one you would be like no is drums one of them yeah probably drums because they're loud and they're also big

they're and they seem really expensive i think they are so it's like i i don't know dad i'm deciding between drums which is this like uh fucking volkswagen we have to have in the living room that uh makes really loud noises or this acoustic guitar which sounds really nice yeah how are you not pushing that kid towards the but he's well you know you set up a little more of an ideal scenario for you where he's deciding between two yeah how about i'm pitching you a thing where he's like, I want drums bad. Yeah. I want to be a drummer.

I love the drums. I hate everything else. I would say decide between these two. Your old man or the drums. Drums. Really? Totally drums. That really fucking hurts to hear because I raised you.

I made you who you are today. I raised you to be a tuba player. Tuba. Tuba. tuba. Franchon. Franchon. And this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by me. I'm Andre.

And me, I'm also Andre. Two Andres for the price of fun. This is an advice podcast. We don't usually delve that deep into music, but I had to get into it because the jazz just sort of inspired me to discuss my previous life as a musician in the French Quarter. You never had a previous life. You're back to your lives. People are writing us in. They are in sticky situations, in desperate seeking our guidance, in desperate seek of our guidance. And we'll do our best to help them out. In desperate seek of our guidance,

I think is also bad grammar. In sort of desperately seeking our guidance. Yes. In desperation, they are seeking our guidance. In desperate, they desperately seek our guidance. Yeah. They're seeking desperately our guidance. So this person will call her what's uh ella fitzgerald writes she's a 23 year old female writes ella and a recent patreon

supporter hell yeah yeah i've been single and or in a casual dating app friends with benefits relationship for the past few years and usually at the start of every new relationship i convince myself to be chill until i kind of feel undervalued as a person hear me out i know dating apps are for something casual aka sex but am i crazy to want sex and someone to hang out with me to have fun outside of the bedroom is it really classified as a serious relationship now and that nowadays won't some dude just fucking go bowling with me and not expect a climax at the end of the night? Jesus, I hate the feeling of going to a bar with a guy knowing that our conversation is really just a time killer until it's socially acceptable to go back to one of our places and fuck. What would you do if you were me? I don't want to marry a guy, but how can I find a guy to have sex with me and also just hang out for fun?

You know, non-sexual things. Or is it really just too much to ask for? Thanks. Love, Ella. This is a very interesting question. She's having friends with benefits, but she also just wants to have friends with no benefits. But isn't she saying, like, she's down, she also likes sleeping with these people, right? But sometimes she doesn't want to.

Sometimes she just wants to hang out with a guy. I thought she's more saying, like, I just don't like hanging out with the expectation of sex. I'd rather hang out, have fun, and like, sex is fine. Yeah, well she said, won't some dude just go bowling with me and not expect a climax at the end of the night? Right. So it's like, she needs an adult friend finder, but an actual adult friend finder. Like, sometimes she just wants to hang out with a guy and not sleep with him at the end of the date. And she hates going on dates where the expectations are, let's just have this conversation until it's socially acceptable to bone right so can she expect to hang out with a guy and not have

him expect sex or is that too much to ask uh well definitely but i think this is this is like this it goes to like sort of a larger issue. Which is? Which is because of like these dating apps, people are like super lazy about sex. It feels like kind of like on-demand sex. So people don't want to put in the effort. Yeah. And I think that there's nothing wrong at all with holding people to a higher standard like if you can't be friendly and entertaining on a date then we're not going to have sex right and so i don't know i think that everybody should hold people to a higher higher standard and then also uh she could

find people that are just platonic friends, as you sort of mentioned. Like where there's no, it seems like she's upset by the people she sleeps with, whereas after a certain amount of time, she starts to feel like she is only sex to them and they don't care about spending time with her. Yeah. So maybe she needs to just find people who are purely friends who she never has sex with.

So that's not even like on the table. Yeah, but how do you find friends on a dating app? Doesn't Bumble have like friendship settings now? Maybe so. Yeah. I've never used those things. But I feel like even on the friendship setting of a dating app, people are like, yeah, I'll be friends for now.

Yeah. They want to bone after bowling. I don't know how to find a bowling partner of the opposite sex. And is she just searching for any bowling partner? Does she want it to be a potential romantic interest? Because what she's describing is just going on second dates and not sleeping with the person after. Can't she just not hook up with someone until date three, four, five after they've done their recreational activities like miniature golf and or bowling?

Right. I think sex is like a much more meaningful activity after you've like found that you like the person. But she's also saying that like when you start hanging out with and liking somebody as a person and combining that with sex, it like makes people freak out because you're like, oh no, I'm getting into a relationship. So I've got to like put the brakes. I go bowling with my friends and I like text my hookups late night so I can just get one off. But you were the same way when you were single. You weren't using these dating apps to go bowling with somebody. No, I wasn't trying to make any new friends. You were Drake, no new

friends. But I already had friends that I hung out with when I needed friendship. And then I used dating apps to have sex. Yeah. And I think there are guys who are the same way. They'll use dating apps to find friends and not necessarily to have sex. It's just fewer and further between. Yeah. I just don't think dating apps are really a reliable source to go to if you're looking for friends.

Right. I don't even think they're a reliable source to go to if you're looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Oh, wow. You don't think the hookup app can turn into a relationship app if the hooking up is good? I think it can, but I just don't think that anybody is. I should rephrase. I don't think a lot of people are on them to find significant others. I think a lot of people are on them to get laid. And sometimes you meet somebody

that you like by accident when you're just trying to fuck. And then you're like, oh, now I have a boyfriend or girlfriend. So how can she do it? How can, I don't want to marry a guy, but I want to find a guy to have sex with me and also just hang out for fun. She sounds like she's talking about dating. Yes, but she's trying to find somebody that will hang out, have fun, and have sex with her, but doesn't freak out that they're getting into a serious relationship. She's sort of lamenting the state of dating where if you are friends with somebody that you sleep with, that's kind of your girlfriend. And if you're just sleeping with someone casually who you barely know, that's dating. And there's nothing in between. I guess there should be, but it doesn't seem like

there is. There's a, yeah, there's, we're losing the middle class of dating. Yeah, that's true. What can you do? I guess, I think just like hang out with your girlfriends you don't yeah is that an answer maybe hang out with hang out in bigger groups i think i think group hangs are kind of like a nice middle ground where you can like have the benefit of friendship and then also sex without any of like this kind of like tense expectation or what about steering the first few dates into these recreational activities before the guy's necessarily expecting anything because you haven't hooked up yet yeah go bowling on a first date that's true and i mean just do what you want and don't settle and i think that

unfortunately you're going to be disappointed by lots of guys but that's okay just don't settle. And I think that unfortunately you're going to be disappointed by lots of guys, but that's okay. Just don't give them, don't, hang on to that high standard. Just don't give them a second chance and keep on looking and you will find somebody eventually. That's nice. All right. Next question. We'll call this lady Mary Lou Williams, who of course was a famous jazz pianist. Nice. And I just pulled that off the top Williams, who, of course, was a famous jazz pianist. Nice. And I just pulled that off the top of my head, of course. Because you are a classically trained musician from NOLA.

Thank you. Thank you. No less. I'm an 18-year-old, writes Mary Lou, and I really love your show. I'm also a Patreon person. Hell yeah. Toe-da. Dope.

All right. So I have this car, Mary Lou writes. It's a black 2004 Chevy Cavalier, and it's a dumpster fire. It's constantly leaking oil, and it always feels like the tires are going flat after any pothole. All in all, it's a piece of shit. But it's a car, and it was only like $1,000, so it'll have to do. On to the issue at hand. My brother and his girlfriend have been without a car for a few months, which means they use mine when they have work.

Okay. Now, at first, I had zero qualms with this as my brother has smoked me up on many occasions, so I felt like I owed it to him due to the amount of weed he spent on my crackhead ass. I didn't realize you talked, man. Yeah, now she's doing meth. Sticky. What? No, she's a heroin addict. I was going to say the green. Yeah, no,'s doing meth. Sticky. What? No, she's a heroin addict. I was going to say the green.

Yeah, no, not the green. The ganja. The white. Yeah. That's fucked up. Actually, she writes, however, as of late, I've become increasingly annoyed. They smoke in my car, and again, at first I had no problems with that as I smoked in the car more times than I can count, except instead of using my water bottle or something to ash the blunt,

they just ash it in the fucking cup holder like animals. Also, they've gotten comfortable enough to the point where they just take my car without even asking if I have plans that day, which I think is the least they could do. They pay for gas when it's low, and they've cleaned out the car, except for the cup holders for some reason. You'd think that'd be the first thing they clean, but I digress.

So it's not like they're just wasting my gas or anything. So I guess my question is, how do I subtly hint at them that they need to get their own fucking car? I was thinking of just texting them every day if they have work, and hope that annoys them into doing it. But maybe I should just talk to them like an adult human being.

Please help. Thanks. Love, Mary Lou. Why doesn't she just keep it locked? Well, she wants to not have them use the car, but she hasn't even told them not to use it yet. It's not like they're stealing the car. She wants to know the polite way.

They're sort of doing what she allowed, but it turns out it actually annoys her. Yeah, because she didn't know that they'd be ashing the blunts in the cup holder oh that is a savage move just absolutely savage smoking in the car not giving a fuck and then ashing it just dry tobacco and weed just straight up in the cup holder. You could put tinfoil in your cup holders. Wow. Now we're cooking with gas. Now we're just protecting your investment, your $1,000 piece of shit car.

Nice, Adam Sandler. Yeah. You fucking pile of shit. It never gets me very far. Did you see the new Adam Sandler on Netflix? No, I haven't seen it yet. I saw more than half of it, and it's great. And it's getting great reviews.

People love it. People love The Sandman. It's heartwarming, and it's sweet, and it's funny. And there's lots of little songs like that. I feel like you would love it. Sandler's still got it. I do. I gotta watch that.

All right, so she's got a piece of shit car, and her brother and his girlfriend. It's just a bad situation. Yeah. What can you do? You've got to just say something. Is it like, hey, stop using my car? Or like, hey, I don't mind you using my car, but let's set some rules.

Yeah. Can you not... Yeah, what if it's a simple, can you not ash the shit in the cup holder? Can you not do this? Because they are paying for the gas, which is nice. But like, all right, so the things that they're doing that are no bueno in the cup holder. Can you not do this? Because they are paying for the gas, which is nice. Yeah. But like, all right,

so the things that they're doing that are no bueno are ashing in the cup holders, which is bad, but she hasn't told them not to. Is that correct? Yeah. I think she feels bad.

I think one can reasonably assume you shouldn't ashen someone else's cup holders, but alas, here we are. I think if you don't like it, you have to say something because they're not going to stop

they're not they're not going to get the idea on their own that much is clear they they have reached peak levels of not giving a fuck if you're straight up ashing blunts in someone else's car i don't know if it's p i really think it's just like a lack of awareness i think like them them filling the gas is something that's that's's helpful. That's silver lining there. But not asking. That's a big one. What if you tell them to pay you and then at the end of the year you can buy a new car? If they give you $100 a month, it's cheap for them because they're just sort of renting it for $3 a day.

Then at the end of the year you have $1,200. You give them this car and you buy a new Then at the end of the year, you have $1,200. You give them this car, and you buy a new car. It's an upgrade. It's a $1,200 car. So it's sort of like they lease to own your car. Yeah, they don't quite. You don't phrase it as such, but they are paying you, and at the end of the year, you can buy a car.

That's interesting, I guess. But there's a lot of startup costs to getting a car, right? You have to go and get it insured. You've got to, I don't know, this one cost her a thousand bucks. Yeah. I don't know. I think, I guess if it were me, I would say I'd implement these casual new rules. Like say, Hey, there's nothing more casual than a new rule.

You don't have to say new rule. You don't have to be like, Hey, new rule. hey when you're gonna use the car just text me because like i you sometimes take it and i need it so there we go okay uh and then and that's it you can deal with the cup holders for now because i've got a i've got a plan with this with this new rule yeah very casual if you say this he there's no way where your brother is like fuck you i smoked you up so much but you say like hey when you're i need the car for certain things yeah it's my car so when you're gonna take it just text me and let me know yeah and then every time they text you you say you make up a reason why they can't have it huh all of a sudden they

realize they don't have a car. They don't have free access to a car, and they have to get a new car. They have to get their own car. So you smoke them out of their hole. Very good. By depriving them of what they need, namely the car. So those are your two options. It's to bribe them of the car, tell them that they can't have the car when they need the car,

and the other option is to charge them for the car, and then at the end of the year, you can buy yourself a new car. All right. Two solid tidbits. Yeah, follow us up. That's it. Let's take a break. We'll come back.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning

customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back yeah Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Yeah, then I can. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. As long as everybody doing No Shave November already went to brothersisterco.com and bought some of me and Sarah and Rachel's sweet, sweet beard oil that's for sale.

Yeah. No. But if they haven't, then that that's for sale? Yeah. No. But if they haven't, then that's my unsolicited advice. Okay. What about you? I got a good one. And it sort of sounds like an ad, but I'm not going to promote anything. It's get a new toothbrush.

I recently got a new toothbrush. And you never really think to get a new toothbrush because your toothbrush always works. But then when you get a new toothbrush, you're like, oh, shit. Okay, now I'm actually brushing with gas. This is like the Cadillac. Yeah, especially if it's an electric because the bristles get soft. What kind of toothbrush did you get? I know it's not an ad, but. It's a mechanical, so it's a circular electric toothbrush.

And you're not going to even say the brand. Yeah, because I don't want this to feel like a sponsored segment. And it's not specifically to get this kind of toothbrush. It's just to get a new tooth this is just a reminder to get a new toothbrush yeah because you don't quite know what you got until it's gone and you don't quite realize how fucked up your old toothbrush is until you get a new one and then you're like okay now i'm actually cleaning my teeth you know it's interesting i think for the last three years i've gotten a free toothbrush every year by talking to a representative from the company who made my toothbrush and telling them that it wasn't working.

So explain that to me. It wasn't totally a scam. This sounds very glocal of you, if I might say. It's very Twinnovation, skinny and dreamy. Yeah, yeah. But this really happened. I had my toothbrush for like a little over a year and then it stopped vibrating. And I was like, it feels like I spent enough money that it shouldn't break after a year.

You're talking about the base or you're talking about the brush? The base. Because you replace the bristles on an electric toothbrush. Yeah. So I contacted the company. I was like, it stopped vibrating. It's not working. And then there was a time when it was in my bag and I couldn't turn it off from vibrating.

So it was a faulty brush, to be sure. And they were like, oh, it looks like your warranty actually ended two months ago, but don't worry about it. We're sending you a new toothbrush. Yeah, this is just to get off the phone with customer service. We'll just send you a new toothbrush. It doesn't cost me anything. Lo and behold, they did. And they got me a new one.

And then another year went by, and it wasn't charging. It wasn't connecting to the base and charging, and I contacted them again. What about the heads? Are they sending you new heads as well? I ordered the new heads on Amazon. Yeah. So I'm talking about just the head. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying- If you want the free base as well. I would go- My unsolicited advice is to get an electronic toothbrush. Just in general. I don't care if you get a Quip, a Philips, whatever. A Norelco. I don't care if you're shaving your teeth off.

Yeah. As long as it's electric. The only thing I'm promoting right now is brother-sister beard oil. Okay. So get a new toothbrush is my unsolicited advice. And yours is make sure it's electric, huh? And if you want a free one, just tell them it stopped working and they'll probably send you a new one.

And if you're thinking about growing a beard, buy me and my sister's product. Have you heard of No Nut November? Yeah. I keep seeing this. I've seen it a little bit. What's the deal there? Do you know anything about it or just the name?

A month not masturbating or having sex? Yeah. Like celibate month? I guess. But like what's the origin of it and what's the joy of it? There's like a big Reddit, I think, called like NoFap. Oh, it's just to end masturbation. I don't think it's to end masturbation, but I think it's like this theory that when you don't masturbate, you're like start to think clearer.

You're like kind of a better version of yourself. And I think masturbation is good and healthy. I can understand how you can get swept up and watch too much porn and masturbate too much. I think there's like anything. There's a balance. You have to live life in moderation. Yes. My mother always said everything in moderation, including moderation.

Masturbation. Oh, moderation. No, she didn't. I think somebody else said that. Yeah. But she appropriated it. The moderation one, not the masturbation. The masturbation one you just made up now, but it's pretty good.

Everything in moderation, even masturbation. Everything in moderation, except masturbation. Woo! Dun, dun,da, French horn. When's the last time you masturbated? Maybe weeks ago. Wow. Yeah, not very often at all.

I'm accidentally doing no-nut Novembers. That's crazy. Yeah. Why is that? I guess because I have a girlfriend. And you can't find time to masturbate? I don't need to if I'm having sex regularly. They're completely different. So talk to me about that.

How is it different? Sex is loving, nice, fulfilling, mutually pleasurable to two people. Yeah. Masturbation is personal, selfish, raw, guttural. Deviant. Scared, lonely. So, do you

masturbate as much? This might be TMI. Do you masturbate as much in a relationship than out of one? Same. Same amount. You would think just out of sheer scheduling conflict, it's difficult to find I always make time to masturbate.

Yeah. Always. So when you're talking about taking these walks in the morning, you're just, what, walking outside to a nearby place? I didn't say walks. I said wanks.

A morning wank. And an afternoon wank. You're just in the garage not using technology. Yeah, why do you think I did this whole D&D miniature painting thing? It's a guise for me to spend more time in my garage, wanking. My guise, my little man. You really think it's the same? It's got to be a little less, right? No, it's definitely the same. If anything, it's more now. Do you feel comfortable saying what the rate is? This is a very personal question, so you'd have to answer.

Yeah. I could say it's more than once a week. Yeah. That's a solid broad range. Yeah. Because it's two times a day. More than once a week. Yeah.

More than once a week, less than seven days week less than seven days a week of course yeah you know who has that yeah that you can't do that it can't go daily do you ever do it have you when's the last time you've done two in a day though oh my god years years i've done a two in a day recently yeah i don't i don't i don't need it i don't know why maybe because i'm getting older i don't think about it that often i i'm so fascinated i want to like big brother style watch your life for a week and just see so that's the new patreon tier we should say yeah for 500 a month i will broadcast my life you can watch it all. Especially the masturbation parts. Carte Blanche, 24-7.

It's an absolute live feed for an entire week. You can actually force me to do things. On our Patreon, we should have just done one expensive tier that was like, add Carte Blanche access to the business center. So it's like $80 a month. It's like all other tiers plus C carte blanche access to the business center. And we don't mention what the business center is. Oh, it's just from One Almond.

Wait, no, it's not from One Almond. Is it? No, it's... There's a video where you talk about... It's like you talking about renting a new place. Yeah, where I want carte blanche access to the business. Wasn't it a hotel, I thought? No, I think you're like... you're trying to negotiate a new rent.

And then you're like, why do you even need access to the business? The business center is such a funny part of hotels, or just like a room in the back with a printer and a computer. Jesus Christ. We don't need a business center anymore. I have a laptop. And you better believe I'm traveling with a printer. I don't need a business center. I have a laptop. And you better believe I'm traveling with a printer. I don't need your printer.

We should say that our Patreon is still going strong. Still a new video every week. And thanks so much to everybody that supported us so far. Depending on when you read this, we are near, or listen to this, we are near-ish 4,000 patrons. Huge for us. At 5,000, we release my, we wrote best man speech, but to be specific, it is the groomsman speech. That's right. My brother was the best man.

So we can't release that video. Nobody took a video of that speech. Nobody took a video, but it was a great speech. Solid speech all around. And you can listen to this, at the very least, mine, once we cross 5,000 patrons. You don't even have to listen to it. You can leave the sound off because it is- Subtitled.

Subtitled. Correctamundo. Thanks, Marissa. All right, should we answer another question? This one is from another lady that we'll call Billie Holiday. Okay. Another woman in jazz. What's up, you coy sons of bitches? I feel bad saying Billie Holiday called me that, but here we are. My name is Billie Holiday, and I'm currently living with my boyfriend of two years

who I am very much in love with. We cohabit in Fayetteville, Arkansas, where we just met and fell in love. Tonight, he told me that he wants to move to New York. He wants to pursue his dream of writing. I, of course, support him, and I think he will succeed. He is an amazing writer, and I

have no doubt, sorry, he is an an amazing writer and I have no doubt in his abilities, but he wants me to move with him. Of course, this sounds like a dream, but I have a steady job where I definitely don't make bank. It's $13 an hour, but I make enough to live and pay off my student loans without defaulting because I have $80,000 worth. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love him, and I want to move with him. But is this a dumb move? The cost of living is way higher in New York. I am 22, and I'm totally in love with him, but my practical side is bringing up a good point against my heart.

Drake, you seem like the kind of guy that would say, fuck it and follow your heart. But Amir, you're way more practical. Please help me. I am a day one, and I hope you know Lonely and Horny's first episode was dope. Sweet. Thanks. Hey, thank you. We should say that dropout.tv has Lonely and Horny season two, releasing new episodes every week. That's right. So there's another one out right now. Thanks for reminding us, Billie Holiday. All right. Should this 22 year old from Arkansas move to New York to be with her boyfriend who wants to be a writer? Yes, obviously. But how can you live if you don't have money in New York City? It's the

hardest city to live when you don't have money. Yeah, that's true. But people do it all the time. So many people don't have money in New York City. I didn't have any money in New York City. So how did you do it practically? Walk me through what you did. Daddy wrote me a check every week for all the cash i wanted why every thank you daddy you hate your dad i do but i love his money money money money money thank you daddy for the money and fuck you for everything else you're such a bad person for that. You love, you hate his guts, but you love his cash. I hate his personality. I hate who he is.

Why did he give you money? Huh? Because I needed the money. Why wouldn't he give me the money? I'm his son. I guess he has five other kids. And he loves me. What?

He loves me because I appreciate his money. Yeah. And I respect his cash. Okay, so let's say he didn't have his cash. At the end of the day, no matter what I say about my dad, I have no problem with his cash. And he knows that. No, I know. You're not putting your foot down or making an interesting point.

That's really what keeps our bond strong. Because we could have all the problems in the world. I think he's a piece of shit. He thinks I'm an ingrate. But there is like this really, it's a unique bond between son and father's cash. It's a selfish, superficial bond. You only want material goods.

I don't want material goods. What's material about cash? Cash just lets you buy food, clothing. Well, yeah, that's the material goods. It's material about cash. Cash just lets you buy food, clothing, rent. Well, yeah, that's the material goods. It's access. It's access, and I like the access to the goods, to the stuff, to the things, to the high rent, to the fast life, the quick money.

I want to go out for drinks. I want to be seen, and I want to eat daily at the meatball shop. And it is a $14 slider, and it is a $12 old fashioned. That is right. And my credit card debt is stacking up, but who pays it off? But little old daddy. So is your dad going to pay for Billie holidays and her boyfriend's adventures?

I assume she has a rich father. You can't count on that, it seems. Wow. Yeah. You live in New York? uh you can't count on that it seems wow yeah um all right so yeah when i lived in new york i mean i i really did have like the privilege and the luxury of like knowing that if if i did go completely broke i wouldn't be homeless or completely screwed yeah i think i i my sister helped me pay my rent for the first month when I lived there because she had a job. And she got me my first month's rent.

Wow. And then after that, I got a job as a host at a restaurant. And I didn't do anything at night, but I like made enough money to make rent. What restaurant were you hosting at? Why didn't I know this? I think I've told you this before. It was like a vegetarian restaurants on 74th street.

I honestly don't remember the name because I worked there for a month. Yeah. And you would take people to their tables. Yes. Did you ever see a celeb? No. Awesome. It was like 74th and 1st.

It was a good restaurant. Robert frickin' De Niro walked in. It was De Niro. And then, Sean Penn walked in. And then, and then College Humor

started paying me and I left that and I started working at College Humor full time. I will say, I will say that if you were ever going to make this risk and try it, it is at age 22. Yeah. So I'm feeling a little more confident that at age 22, you are one able to deal with, you know, eating pizza for dinner or ramen noodles as one is wanted to do when they are destitute in New York City. I think, yeah, I think that's what's happened.

Like, you can get a cheap apartment that you might share with people. Where is this cheap apartment? Where can they move that would be affordable? Like, they are two people for the price of one, so that's good. Like, Bushwick, Clinton Hill? Yeah, so they're, like, living in a two-bedroom. They get one, like, a two-wick Clinton Hill. Yeah. So they're like living in a two bedroom. They get one, like a two bedroom for two grand. They get one room and they're splitting it like 500 each or something like that.

And I mean, that's, that's not terrible at all. Yeah. The price is fine. It's just the space is limited, but you're paying for the ability to live in New York. Yeah. You can like, just, yeah, look around, try to find a good roommate situation. Or if you guys can stand living together in a studio, I think you can find a studio for like $1,400 places. That's like $700 rent each.

That's also not bad. That's right. And then, yeah, I really think it's more about you have a job and all of your income goes to making rent. And that's just the way you live for a few years. But you're 22, so that's going to be fine. This is the time where you try and fail. And a lot of people have done this move before. You're not blazing a new trail.

You know that like some people have done this and succeeded. Some people have done this and failed. But it's an exciting thing to try. So you don't spend your entire 20s in Arkansas. And New York is, you can like get trapped going out to eat and drink a lot and realize that you spent way too much money. And you're like going to be short on rent or something. But it sounds like she's a responsible person who's not going to let that happen. Which is good.

Yeah. So why don't you let us know where you end up? I want to follow this adventure. This tale of two 20-somethings from arkansas in the big city a young writer it's very romantic sounding seeming let us know where you end up and we will we'll order you your first new york pizza to your apartment that's really nice a new New York fucking pie from Sparrow, a 99-cent fountain soda. We should do like one of the- Flat, hot Pepsi, a two-liter bottle that's been in the back of a car, and it's like sweating on the inside. Sounds like Arkansas.

Yeah. That sounds like Arkansas. It did come from there. Do you want to answer one more question since we're already here and we have a fourth lady question? Ooh, why not? Let's give the people some extra content. I've been reading some Reddit messages that people feel the podcast is getting shorter and shorter.

So I don't want that to be the case anymore. It's because we don't like each other anymore. But we can at least fake it for another nine minutes. So here we go. Lena Horn writes, I'm a 20-year-old college junior who is viciously single and in a pickle. Allow me to explain.

Actually, can you read this? Yeah. Give my throat a break. Oh. Oh, dear. Sorry. That's okay. What do we call this lady?

Lena Horn. Lena Horn. Salutations, you coy bastards. I'm a 20-year-old college junior who is viciously single and in a pickle. Allow me to explain. About five months ago, a close guy friend asked me out. I said no, and he politely ended his romantic pursuits, but we continued to be friends. I think our friendship was better for it, because we're basically best buds now and share virtually everything with each other.

Recently, however, I started catching feelings for this guy who is in the year above me. We have a lot in common and he's super witty and smart and funny and cute. But I digress. I really want to tell my guy friend about my crush and talk about it with him and ask for his advice on seizing the cheese. Should I tell him about this new guy or keep counsel? Or should I talk about it with my female friends? My worry is that if I only talk to my female friends, I might miss out on useful, first-hand insight

into the male's psyche. But I also don't want my guy friend to feel bad. What should I do? Your assistance is necessary and your solutions

include, but are not limited to, the choices above. Thanks for being dope, you fishy bitches. Love Lena Horne. Love Lena Horne. Actually, it's Godspeed, Lena Horne. Love Lena Horne. Actually, it's Godspeed

Lena Horne. I like that a lot. I would say don't seek his guidance on how to be with another boy right now. You have us to be your window into the male psyche, and as that person who can advise

about the male psyche, I would say that your friend probably wouldn't give you great advice on how to get a guy. Yeah. Imagine me pouring my heart out to someone and she's like, no, I just want to be friends. And then I'll be like, oh, okay, that's cool. We can just be friends. She's like, actually, can you help me hook up with this other guy? And it's like, yeah. And she's like's like you know it's just like helping me get laid with but instead of with you it's with someone else i just love how witty he is yeah like i would totally be with you if you're smart and funny and sexy but you're not you get that right

yeah yeah it's i i don't know you're i i just don't think there's any benefit to asking this guy friend. I don't think he's going to give you such useful advice. Yeah, what's the insight that she's looking for, the guy's insight? It also might just be more – it might be like better though to get ahead of it if he's going to be hurt. Oh, like just rip off the band-aid and that will show him that, listen, this is not going to happen. So much so that I'm asking you how to sleep with somebody else or be with somebody else. The one thing to understand is that this guy didn't stop liking you. Yeah.

You guys aren't like just being normal friends now. You are, but he's not. Yes. You can't turn off the crush. He still has a crush on you. Yeah. So then I think it's up to you. If you want to tell him about other guys that you want to hook up with because you think that him hearing that is necessary for him to move on, then that's...

Or if you start dating this other guy you want him to like know rather than find out if you value your friendship then I would do it but I would not I wouldn't do it because you think he might actually be helpful he will not be helpful yeah guys are very simple you don't need help if you're a female trying

to attract a guy they will show you that they like you or they won't it's I can assure you there's not going to be a lot. They will show you that they like you or they won't. I can assure you there's not going to be a lot of complications over here. We're not a complicated breed. Definitely nothing

that some jackass that couldn't even get you to like him could solve. What does he know? This guy couldn't even get you. I don't think he's that much of an expert. He clearly sucks at love.

One person he likes is asking him for advice on how to get laid. This is her explaining to him. It's like, you know what? I don't even need your advice. You couldn't even land me. All right. So the advice is don't reach out to this guy.

Or don't ask your male friend on how to pursue your crush. It might be a little mean. Or at the very least, unhelpful. All right, sweet. Thank you so much for listening. We are still reading all those emails, and if you have any of your own, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

If you have a theme song, please send that as well. Same email address for everything. The opening one was the jazz one. Who wrote that? God, I already forget. What happened? It was a doc it was yeah jacob k yes and this closing theme song is oh my name is jonas cover you know how i like the weezer coverage by jake jake g with the jonas cover so my name is jonas thanks jake

thanks um how did i forget his name already? Is it also Jacob? Oh, it's Jacob. Yes, Jacob. Two Jakes. Oh. Three if you include your ass. Wow.

That is my ass's name. As always, there's more If I Were You show at our Patreon. That's patreon.com slash J-A. There's a bonus Thursday episode every other week. You can even watch it. We're recording everything as a video. So go and enjoy those as well. Uh, there's a bonus Thursday episode every other week. You can even watch it. We're recording everything as a video. So go, uh, go and enjoy those as well.

And we'll be back next week. See ya, everybody. This is Jake and Amish Muel. This is Jake and Amish Muel And the podcast starts now It's If I were you at gmail.com This is Jake and the Mission Well and the podcast dies now.

That was a HateGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.