Segments - 359: Bisexual Ex

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

In this episode we discuss traveling romance, dealing with maggots, and tea bagging soup. Of course.For more advice... check out our bonus Thursday videos on Patreon.com/JA!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're here to help but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by brooklinen brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets pillows comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door how do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool,

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Give you the dab clean Just so you have it Dab, dab, dab, dab Dab, dab, dab, dab Dab, dab, dab, dab Dab, dab, dab, dab What the fuck? Stop crying a little bit.

Why don't you fucking do it? You little piece of shit. Whoa. Awesome remix. How about... Remix. That was the house club trance Euro synth pop spesh. Did you get club?

I got more of a clurb vibe. Really? What's the difference? Well, there's the club, obviously, and then there's the clurb. Okay, so which one am I describing here? Really? What's the difference? Well, there's the club, obviously, and then there's the club. Okay, so which one am I describing here? You're going out with your friends, it's dark, and there's like a smog machine, lasers, and a dance party happening. That's the club.

Okay. That's absolutely club. So you walk into an empty warehouse space, It's cold and humid at the same time. No smog machine because it's just naturally foggy in there. And it looks like two people, barely humans, are fucking on the dance floor. Now you're describing a rave, bud. Okay. You walk into a room that's sort of like a library from an 18th century building.

There's books everywhere. You pull one, open it, and it's like this Latin sort of page of potions. You start reading one out loud. The entire mansion rumbles. You look up, and you're being swallowed into the sky. You're in the sky. It's you and your friends and a series of people that you assumed have been dead for eons. And everyone's speaking a language that you can barely understand.

That sounds like a curse, pal. Okay. How about this? When you walk into a zoo, the animals are drunk and speaking to you with a British accent. You wake up and you're actually... Dolly good, mate. Yeah. you with a British accent. You wake up and you're actually, yeah, you wake up and you're on a train, transcontinental Siberian railroad throughout Russia. Has to be a dream, bub. So what's a club? You ever go to a golf play, like where there's like a golf course, there's a bar,

there's a little snack area, maybe indoor there's some racquetball. Yeah. I'm talking about a country club. It sounds like you're talking about just the country club. What's a country club? A country club because there's golf outside. Oh, that's cool. All right, how about this?

It's like a sandwich, triangular white bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato, turkey, double decker with a side of chips that are real salty. Oh, nice. You put a toothpick through the whole thing? Yeah. You're talking about a turkey clurb. That's also a clurb.

A turkey clurb. Because of the toothpick? Mm-hmm. If there's a toothpick, then it's a clurb sandwich. And if it's got a little bit of saran wrap On top of the toothpick Then you must be in the clurb That guy

Anyway back to the original theme song Right right Was written by Don Keanion A.K.A. Donkey Onion He's returned with another theme song submission That salutes the pinch's marvelous predelication For shoving his head into his arm crotch. I hope

you enjoy the song. I feel like we've heard this name before. Hasn't he sent us a song? He has. Don Keanian. That's right. It's a great name. It's a great name. And his song is Dab It On the Haters. And if you get a chance, I'd really like if you plugged my SoundCloud. It's just soundcloud.com

slash day, sorry, D Ke SoundCloud.com slash day. Sorry, D. Kianian. The letter D. It should be SoundCloud.com slash Don. Dianian. So instead of.com. And on and on and on and on. Nice.

So Kianian and on and on and on. That's SoundCloud.com slash D Kianian. And he uploaded a remix of Kishi Bashi's song Honey Body. I don't know any of these words. Am I old today? I think I might like Kishi Bashi. Yeah? I think so.

It's that easy? I think so. Really? Because I made it up. Really? I made it up. It's not a real thing. You don't like Kishi-bashi. You don't like any-bashi.

I was thinking of the Kashi cereal. Yeah, go lean. Go lean, go lean. Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by me, I'm Amir. I'm also Amir. Excuse me? I'm Amir. I'm also Amir. Excuse me? I'm Amir. Frickin' Blumenfield.

Anyone listening has no idea which one of us is talking right now. They do. No, because we both said we're named Amir. You sound a little different than me. No, I don't. Yeah, you're also, you're stuffed. You're stuffed up. You're a little stuffed up. You have post-nasal drift or something.

Yeah, Amir is a little sick right now. Why would I say my name in third person? I am just, all right, so to clarify, Jake is doing this weird bit where he's saying that he's a mirror. Okay, so whenever you hear this voice. Quack, quack, quack. Yeah, that quacking, that was freaking Hurwitz, who I think is the man.

But he's just doing a little goofy thing right now and Hurwitz is usually cool and I suck. I'm even confused and I'm looking at you talking. You think we could do a voice that's so different than one of our voices that our fans won't even know the difference? So let's do it. Let's do three in a row, okay? Sometimes it'll be me,

sometimes it'll be you. And we'll see if our fans get it all correct. All right, so the first person is going to talk. See if you can guess who it is. Ready? One, two, three. Honey Thunker. Yeah, that was obviously you.

Really? All right, you try one. All right, or you again. Yeah. All right, so it's either me or you one two three all right oh great i didn't say my name okay was that voice better though that was more yeah less distinguishable that one was jake again yeah all right third Again, it might be me or it might be Jake. All right. Third one.

Let's see if you guys can guess. Ready? Three, two, one. Stop pointing at me, man. They will never think it's three of you. You haven't tried to do one yet. All right. I'll do the fourth one.

Okay. Great. I'll point to somebody. It might be Jake. It might be Amir for this one. Ready? Yeah. Three, two, one.

He pointed at me again, everyone. This is abuse. All right. All right. This one might be Jake or it might be me. Ready? Three, two, one. I'm a special little boy. That was good. What do you guys think it was? We'll give you some time to talk amongst your friends. Could have been me. Could have been Jake. You didn't do a voice once. It was Jake. You didn't do it once. All right. Maybe this one will be me or maybe it'll be Jake.

Yeah. Ready? Three, two, one. He keeps funny at me. You do one. All right. Ready? Yeah. This might be Jake or it might be me. Ready? It's going to be me.

Three, two, one. Why are you doing this? Who do you guys think that one was? I'll give you another question. Don't keep doing it. Who could that be? That's good. That could definitely be me. That was me. That's right, Amir. All right, let's try to answer some questions. This isn't just about tricking each other and making each other giggle. What a bizarre game.

People have actual shit they need us to deal with. Here's one written by a lady. She's from Canada, so we'll call her... Montreal. Montreal. Way to go. I'm a 21-year-old female and I'm a huge fan, writing from Canada. I've been dating

a guy for almost eight months now and things are going really well. He's amazing. Or so I thought. A day ago, he left for a five-week backpacking trip through Asia. In the hours leading up to the departure, we cuddled and both cried and he talked about how he didn't want to go and how much he would miss me and how he loved me. Once we regained our composure, I lightly, kind of jokingly, asked if he was going to sleep with anyone in Asia.

He replied, if I'm being honest with you, I'm having a hard time deciding about it. Naturally, I flipped out, and when he saw how mad I got, he said he wouldn't sleep with anyone else. He left and I slept on it. And the next morning I texted him saying that if he wanted to have an open relationship while he's in Asia, I understood and was okay with it. Before me, he was with the same girl for nine years and he has slept with less than half the amount of people I have. And he says he loves me and that this really has nothing to do with me, and it all has to do with him and his limited experience. He put it very eloquently, and of course I understand how meaningless sex can be. Maybe I'd want to do the same if I was in his shoes. Regardless, I'm still mad as fuck. Should

I break up with him? I don't know if I will see him the same after he fucks a bunch of hoes at a party hostel in Thailand. I said I was okay with it because I felt like if I didn't know if I will see him the same after he fucks a bunch of hoes at a party hostel in Thailand. I said I was okay with it because I felt like if I didn't get it out of my system now, it would ruin things later on for us. But I can't help but feel that if I was enough for him, he wouldn't even want to do this. The other side is that if this is an open relationship, I can do the same. But should I? I have a history of being a big slut, So it shouldn't be hard for me to do But should I treat him the same way that I wish he was treating me

Or beat him to the punch? Do I have a right to be mad about this Or does he have a right to do this? Do you think that he'll still love me and want to be with me after all this? Isn't meaningful sex with someone you love better than a shitty hookup? I've felt sick to my stomach since I left And I kind of resent him for putting me in this position. What would you do?

Please help. She went so far down. She spiraled. She spiraled. Yeah. First she's like, I hope you don't have sex with anyone else. He's like, well, I actually might. Huh.

Well, fuck you. We're in an open relationship. Actually, you can't. Should I? Wait, I don't want to fuck anybody. We're going to break up. Wait, how long did she say they'd been together? Eight months.

But as a 21-year-old. Right, and they said, I love you. Yeah, and now he kind of wants to fuck his way through hostels in Thailand. Yeah, so I think maybe I'm of the mind that no matter what he is saying, he's doing it.

So you're already in an open relationship whether you like it or not. Yeah, you preemptively. So you like the beat him to the punch technique. I think you might as well say like, fine, you want to be in an open relationship. Do whatever you want, Neja. I'll do whatever I want in asia i'll do whatever i want at home and we'll see how we feel when we get back because it is easy to be like i'll never get over if you fuck so much people in asia and maybe he'll say i'll never

get over if you fuck people when i'm at home but then you guys might just have fun doing your own thing and maybe you get back together and you're like yeah it was a crazy couple months glad we're back the other option is to just break up. Those are your two. Yeah. Staying together and staying faithful to each other is just not happening. So it sounds like regardless of what happens while he's away, you're in an open relationship and you can sleep with other people and then you can decide whether you want to stay together or not when he gets back. Because he poisoned the well. He shouldn't have done that. Well, she asked him and he felt bad lying to her. But it's, I mean, that's what he did was like, that truth was worse than a lie.

Because he was basically like, yes, I might cheat on you. So long. Like who's, that's, I guess like if that is the truth, then you should break up. Like, that's not like up like that's not a kindness to say that it's just a heads up just so you know it's an FYI I might fuck somebody in Thailand I might kill you

I might kill you you're like oh well that's illegal that's really bad well I probably won't but just know that I might when you imagine sex in Asia do you imagine like a happy ending at a Vietnamese spa Well, that's illegal. That's really bad. Well, I probably won't. Yeah. But just know that I might. When you imagine sex in Asia, do you imagine like a happy ending at a Vietnamese spa? Or do you imagine like meeting a Dutch backpacker, going on a few romantic hikes, and then having sex outside near a hostel? Yeah.

I imagine like another foreign national. Oh, I see. That you meet at a hostel, that you go to a beach with, that you go to a party with, that you go to a sex show with, that you go to a club with, and then you have a threesome with a Thai lady boy. That's good. Yeah. That's what I imagine. And this is all in Canada.

And I am fapping. Yeah, I noticed that. The room where it fappens. Nice. I like when she says, isn't having meaningful sex with someone you like better than a meaningless hookup? Yeah, but he wants both. He'll have the meaningless stuff abroad and then the meaningful stuff with you. The best is definitely both. Yeah, because that way you can have a nice Thanksgiving feast before you leave and then you get to eat Asian street food on the day.

And when you get back, you'll have yams. It's so hard to say Asian street food instead of something else. What? Nothing at all, Blumenfeld. I'm just saying I want chicken satay. Yeah. And also stuffing when I get home. Okay, the best of both worlds.

I want a Christmas ham. Go back to Christmas ham and a slam-bam-mam and two handjobs from that man over there. It's Siam. So you lost the food references. Huh? Never mind. It's no longer a front. I like the idea of saying,

all right, you could be in an open relationship. She does sleep with other people while he's abroad, and then he of saying, all right, you could be in an open relationship. She does sleep with other people while he's abroad. And then he remains faithful, comes back and she's like, well, I slept with a bunch of people. How was your epic adventure? Yeah. Open relationships are tough. I think the only way to do it is to do the, uh, the aligned one. What? The one where you're like, don't ask, don't tell. Yeah. Style. It's like the kind where cheating is fine right and then they're like have you slept with anybody and and you're like i know like even though we're in an open relationship i haven't like entertained the idea oh that's cool so an open relationship where

these are the rules you can only do it secretively behind my back and when i question you about it uh you have to deny deny deny I think for some reason that's healthy. So I'm going to say like, are you working late today or are you meeting someone in a hotel and you have to lie to me? I really have to work late. Yeah. And like, all right, are you just saying that because of our deal? Like, I know you have to lie to me. I really think that for some reason, this deal, like having the freedom, makes me feel more connected to you. Yeah. It makes me not want to sleep with anyone else.

And it's not because you agreed to say that exact line every time you don't come home one night. Yeah, I wish. It's so weird because I know we set up these rules to make it seem like I am lying when I'm telling this truth, which is the realest I've ever been right now. And this is you in a motel with somebody else talking post-quiet. This is me in the stairwell of a Holiday Inn as I have nine different hookers in the room. And you have to lie because that's part of the open relationship. Yeah. The other way to do it is to what?

Say, yes, you have to pre-approve. Yes, it can't be anybody we know. lie because that's part of the open relationship yeah the other way to do it is to what say yes you have to pre-approve yes it can't be anybody we know yes it can't be more than once all these restrictions right which is worse than being in a relationship because in a relationship there's just like the normal rules of course don't sleep with other people yeah uh treat me nice yeah it's like okay i can remember these three things yeah and it's worse than being single which is like you can fuck whoever you want there are no rules because there's nothing to make a rule right there's no one that's like counting on you to be good or dependable like except for the people that you're sleeping with

obviously of course but but the worst is having a significant other who is allowing you to sleep with other people but with all these different strings attached. It's a lot of bureaucracy and red tape. Yeah, you also have to pay taxes

for the other person for some reason. Yeah, why is that? It's not worth it to get an accountant involved. Yeah, so I guess my advice

to this person is to break up and if things are meant to be you guys will get back together when this boo gets back from Asia. That's cool. And if they're not, then you spent a couple months getting yours. And that was probably fun.

This was written to us today. So after five weeks, will you please fill us in? I think it'll be roughly around New Year's Eve. Let us know how things went with both you and your man's hostile sex in Thailand. It'd be really fun to talk to them both when he comes back. Yeah, I have a feeling it'll be hard for him, harder for him to sleep with people than he thinks. He's like, I want the option. And then it still might not happen. Yeah, I think it's gonna happen though.

That's awesome. Just maybe not as much as he thinks, but it could happen. All right. Next question. Another lady. This one is from the UK. So we'll call her, of course, my favorite UK city, Bath. Nice. Bath. Right. I moved into a new place three weeks ago, and I'm appalled.

I had to sort this room out while I was out of the country, so I didn't get to see it in person before moving in. And I'm appalled. every corner of every room. There are literal piles of shit in the cat's shit box because my roommate clears it once every three days. I don't even think my roommate has cleaned anything since she moved in a year ago. So I've decided to GTFO. Good. When I give notice, I'll have to explain why I'm moving out already.

Should I explain to her that she lives in a literal shit box? Or should I lie and make up some bs about moving to a new job thanks for your help keep doing you might as well lie it doesn't matter you don't think she needs to know the truth oh i don't want to live here because it smells and everything is bad you live in a shit hole i guess like the what's the benefit of telling this person the truth that they might clean and make it a better situation for the next roommate that's right so that's probably the right thing to do um but this you're under no obligation to do that at all so if it makes leaving easier yeah like the the primo thing that you have to do here is gtfo uh-huh so like if you're apprehensive to tell someone that

their apartment is shit and that's why you're leaving, so you end up sticking around a little longer because you're worried about this uncomfortable conversation, then just lie to get out of there. Your first priority is you not having fruit flies and shit in your apartment. What if you do this little passive aggressive thing where you're like, I don't think I can live here. I think I have this weird aversion to maggots. I don't think I can live here. I think I have this weird aversion to maggots. I don't know. I feel like I'm this weird... I have this crazy quirk where I don't like maggots. They freak me out. I like the fruit flies.

The fruit flies are fine. The shit doesn't smell that bad, which is crazy because usually it must be something about the air here. Yeah, how it's sort of dank. It's really dank here. But like the maggots, I think,

and it's not, it's probably me. Yeah, like do you have any like thing that gives you like goosebumps, like the nails on a chalkboard and you're like,

ugh, that's like a weird, like I don't like that feeling. So that's why I'm with maggots. Yeah, mine's with maggots and like the other stuff really is like,

I don't mind dust, dank. Like the fact that you haven't cleaned in a year is fine by me really the other idea that i have is to do sort of like a half measure so like you give two reasons okay like my my job that i just got is on another side of town so i think i need to move to be closer but like this place isn't a great fit for me anyway. I need somewhere that has that is cleaner. Clean as. Clean as,

mate. Uh-huh. Clean as. Sorry, why are you leaving? I don't like maggots, mate. You have a new voice. Aye. Just... Clean as. That's a New Zealand slang, I think. You could move in with one of the maggots if it gets big enough

somewhere like some sort of farsight cartoon a giant maggot sitting at a dinner table and he's like being sort of snooty and snotty where it's like oh like you're eating spaghetti

are you gonna finish that? that's good or like you're eating like a rotten fruit like don't just throw that old apple away says the maggot right because he it's good for him yeah oh or you know what it is it's like he cooked you a really rotten pie and you're sort of looking at it like apprehensively and he's like really i cooked you my favorite dish. Maggots. You don't even try it. Maggots are perfectly named. Yeah. Like for like little larvae that are disease ridden and move very sloppily.

There's something perfect about the name Maggot. I guess so. I like the name Maggot. That's actually what Maggie is short for. Oh. Yeah. Not like Margaret. No.

Margo. You know Maggot Simpson, right? Oh, God. That's why she moves such. Can't wait until you name your children. Maggot. All right. That's it.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back jake do you have any mom i'm coming! That was gross. I do not. Doth you? Yeah, so yesterday, and I posted about this on my Instagram story. Shout out to me! God, that makes me sad for you.

I ran out of tomato sauce, so I used cranberry sauce in my pasta with meatballs. My theory was that tomato sauce is nothing but sweetened tomato jam of sorts. And so why are we dedicating our Italian dishes to tomato sauce, when in theory, tomato sauce is more disgusting than any fruit sauce? I don't love tomatoes that much. So I'm like, why don't I replace the tomato sauce with cranberry sauce? So here's something. Don't interrupt me. You had to have been finished. Yes, I was at that point. I was just saying in general. Right. For the future? Yes. For just like a warning shot in the future. Let me finish. Yes, let me finish. You did. Fuck you. And I thank you. Excuse me, fuck you.

Thank you for letting me finish, and I want you to keep doing so. So here's the interesting thing. I was 100% sure. That was a joke. That it was a joke. Of course. Because you've done stuff like that before, where you do some kind of weird paleo thing, where you cooked a sausage.

I was like, guacamole,acam an avocado in a bag for a month yeah that's how i make guacamole right like yeah you do like weird food shit all the time where you're like post something really disgusting you talk about how you cooked it or how you're gonna eat it yeah so i like i was like i guess he he must have just like made? He made a lot of pasta and he had extra and he didn't want to save it. So you did this joke. Yeah. That's insane, man. Yeah.

That you had that. That is so gross. Yeah. It's so bad. Well, here's my thinking. I got your thinking that you just think that it's fucking sweet red sauce. So talk about- Tomato's a vegetable.

Sorry, let me finish. Okay. Tomato's a fruit. about... Tomato's a vegetable. Sorry, let me finish. Okay. Tomato's a fruit. Okay. Tomato is a fruit. That's right off the bat. There's a gray area. Yeah.

I think it's like both. Thanksgiving sandwich. It's turkey, it's stuffing, it's cranberry sauce. Is that disgusting to you? For me, yes. I don't like cranberry sauce at all.

Is that more disgusting? I don't like sweet. I prefer savory, generally. Do you like teriyaki chicken i'm serious do you like teriyaki chicken answer the question because if it's like i don't want to be like antagonistic and like this is gotcha journalism i don't i don't want my blood to boil this conversation don't interrupt you yeah don't interrupt me you said not don't interrupt me i hate teriyaki chicken. What are you talking about? Took the wind out of your sails there, didn't I? Orange chicken?

Thoughts on orange chicken or General Tso? Are you a member of General Tso's army? I like them both. I'm not saying I dislike that stuff. I like teriyaki chicken. I like General Tso's chicken. I just... Orange flavored chicken and cranberry chicken meatballs

with pasta. It's all the same. It's bread, it's sweet fruit sauce, and it's meat. And it's me. And because I put it in a weird bowl,

people are giving me gruff. Gruff. Yeah. I'm getting lambasted online. I am getting, the Twitter sphere is abuzz and everyone's scolding me for this. It's literally all I see on social media these days. I just think it's a unique shape of these three elements, but they've already existed and people eat it all the time. I think cranberry sauce in and of itself is a little polarizing.

Like, I don't think people all like cranberry sauce in it in like in and of itself is a little polarizing like i don't think people all like cranberry sauce what so i mean why didn't you just put butter on that that would have been good butter and parmesan see i don't like i don't like cheese it's so weird that you're like you don't cheese, but I do like cranberry sauce on my noodles. That's right. Fucking psycho. Imagine. So is your unsolicited advice to do this? No, my unsolicited advice is for you to go fuck yourself. But since I'm here, why don't you have a bowl of strawberry freaking lasagna?

My unsolicited advice is to not listen to a mere fucking strawberry. Ah! A pineapple gnocchi, no. Imagine an apple parm. We're all eating eggplant with tomato sauce. I want you to slice open a freaking razzmatazz smoothie and pour it on a pile of gnocchi. This reminds me a little bit of my friend Dan when we were in high school.

We, like, made mozzarella sticks and french fries after school one day. Ew! And he thought that he was pouring salt on them, but he, like, put a bunch of sugar on it. Uh-huh. And he thought it was so fucking good, he thought he invented a new food. Yeah, like cinnamon sugar fries. Who says no to that? I would.

I don't like sweet like that. But, you know, but the weird thing, but then you dip, you do dip the fries in a... Into ketchup. A barbecue sauce. I was even going to say a milkshake. At Wendy's, when you would get the frosty with the fries, that was so good. Yeah. So why do they monopolize that?

Honestly, like a lot of sauces are masquerading as non-sugar sauces when that's exactly what they are. Like there's no difference between sweet and sour and apricot preserve. It's all the same. The savory and sweet is like people like that. That's why you put like salt on top of a cookie. Yeah. Salted this. Salted caramel. I don't know. I think there's just some food combinations that are objectively bad. Like you wouldn't put toothpaste on your meatballs, would you? That would make them sweet. I'm obviously not going to eat toothpaste. I resent the accusation that that's what I did. You tilted your head and raised your eyebrows like you were considering. I was considering it because what I did yesterday was put floss in a meatloaf. That way I'm sort of dealing with oral hygiene while I eat.

I cut my meatloaf with a mint floss. I'll fill my water pick with gravy and I'll just flush out my cavities with an au jus. But yeah, that's my unsolicited advice, I guess. Don't think of tomato sauce as this secret elixir. As the be-all, end-all. No, it is not. Big tomato has its hands in every Italian pot. There's another option.

There's a better option. There's a cranberry option, and there's a cran-apple option. There's a world where pizza was made with applesauce and not tomato sauce. Yeah, you know, do you like Bloody Mary or do you like a vodka crayon? And that's a great metaphor for me because I hate Bloody Marys. And you love vodka crayon. And I love vodka crayon. I love the crayon. What would you rather have?

I would rather have vodka crayon. I like my drinks sweet. Yeah, so why stop at drinks is what I'm trying to say. What about soup? Because you're a soup guy and you don't like tomato soup, but would you like a hot cranberry soup? That's a good question. I've never even heard of a hot cranberry soup. Like a hot sweet soup. Let me do a Google search for hot cranberry soups. There's not a lot of sweet soups. Applesauce is almost a soup. Yeah. Hot applesauce. That's soupish. It's all like warm baby food.

Yeah. I'm seeing some raspberry cranberry soup. Well, you are fucking welcome, dude. I just introduced you to your new favorite soup. Put a matzo ball in there and you're good to go. Oh, interesting. You can dip your balls in this soup. What do you mean?

Like your testicles? Oh, actually, nevermind. You can dip your balls in any soup. No, I mean? Like your testicles? Oh, actually, never mind. You can dip your balls in any soup. No, I'm just saying this will be like enough. You have to be brave enough. It's gotta be. You just have to have that steely resolve.

Actually, you can dip your balls in any soup. Somebody wrote us an email that was asking for a senior quote. You can dip your balls in any soup. It's not a bad senior. You just have to be brave enough. Yeah.

Ben Scambler writes in, hey guys, I need a senior quote. And if you read this on the show and suggest something, I'll use it as my quote. Thanks, Ben. Cool. You can dip your balls in any soup. You just have to be brave enough.

Yeah. Because a lot of soups are either like scalding hot liquid. I wouldn't want to do that. You want like a warm, creamy soup. You just have to be brave enough. Yeah. Because a lot of soups are either like scalding hot liquid. I wouldn't want to do that. You want like a warm, creamy soup. Almost like a cream of mushroom that you left out

for a little bit too long. Yeah. With some creme fraiche. A French onion soup because then your balls are just resting on top of the cheese.

See, I don't like cheese in that way. Like if I'm going to teabag a soup, it's not going to be French onion. What soup would you teabag? Maybe I think it would have to be like a bisque or like a clam chowder. Yeah, you want the thickness. To coat your sack.

Yeah. Yeah, that way your sack is surrounded by the cream. Witness the thickness. That's another senior quote idea. That's another good senior quote. All right, what else we got? Let's answer some more questions. I should say we are still making videos for our Patreon,

patreon.com slash JA. Inching very close to releasing that groomsman speech that I gave at your wedding. That is true. I'm excited for the world to see that. Same. You really lambasted me on that one. Oh, here we go. Hey, long-time listener, first-time emailer.

My name is Slim Shady. I guess he's from America. And I have an issue for the pinch. Fuck you, Amir. Nah, JK. First date ideas, please. In desperate need. We barely know each other, but there's definitely enough chemistry for a first date.

I don't want any place where we can't talk like a movie or something. But I don't know if place where we can't talk like a movie or something, but I don't know if just talking is a good idea, either such as coffee or alcohol. Please help. Thank you. Either such as. Either such as. Oh, is it such a good idea either such as a coffee date? All right, cool. So I won't make fun of the way he wrote it because you read it bad. That's right. I used to have a really solid go-to date, first date in New York because I didn't really date when I moved to LA.

And what was it? It was Brooklyn Bowl. Which was bowling and drinking and music. It's combo. It's perfect. I think the gutter is also good. Oh, I mean any bowling alley where you can drink. I think that's the perfect first date because you can talk. There's a game involved, so it's like fun and flirty and supportive if she gets a strike or if you get a strike.

You can show that you're not a sore loser. Yeah. Unless you are. And there's like, you know, you can show off either way. Like if you're good at bowling, that's cool. And if you're bad at bowling, you show off that you're good natured about it and it doesn't bother you. That's fine too, yeah. And the other nice thing about having it be a game is like, if there's any time where there's like, you know, if you're at coffee and you run out of things to talk about for a second, there's like that moment of silence where you're like,

so what else? Yeah, someone has to come up with a question. Yeah. But with a game or something like bowling, like, oh, okay, there's like all these natural breaks in conversation where you like have to not be speaking. Also things to talk about. The game that's happening is a conversation starter. The people around you.

Yeah, you can make fun of somebody else. The guy that bowled differently if he had like a weird, like a gimpy foot. Imagine like just. You can make fun of handicapable people. Yeah, like a guy without a foot bowl. I'm just saying you could make fun of invalids. You don't deserve to be on a date with anybody. One of your topics of conversation is making fun of people that are less fortunate.

Yeah, so I like to make fun of the less fortunate on a first date. What's your, aside from making fun of the less fortunate? That's pretty good. Why don't I zoom out and like. That's another senior quote. You can make fun of the less fortunate on a date. On a first date. On a first date. zoom out a little bit any bar with games like black cat in new york was that what it was a fat cat or something oh uh yeah was it a fat cat yeah some some cat uh it

was there was like ping pong there yeah and or connect for and or something that you can do yeah there's a decent amount you can like even I think you would probably like Yelp that because there are- Game bars. The Whiskey Brooklyn had a whole bunch of games in it. And even like upstairs in the counting room had Jenga. I mean, I'm just like, let's just recount all of our first dates.

Any bar has a Checkers in it. Yeah. I think someplace where you can distract yourself easily from like if the conversation hits a lull yeah that's a good thing for and also if you own a bar why don't you just tuck away a shit ton of games in the corner because nobody's if even if nobody plays the games that's fine and it at least gives people something to do while they're sitting around a table yeah it's like when we brought past the pigs out at your bachelor party which god that good. Yeah. I had such a big regret that I didn't bring that out

during, like, as we were getting ready before my wedding. I heard, yeah, you mentioned that in your vows.

Yeah. I said my biggest regret is not playing past the pigs before this. Yeah. Just to get me going. And you were so choked up during that.

Yeah. I thought that was a really sweet moment. I actually thought that was a really sweet moment. Thank you for, like really sweet moment thank you for like talking me through that again stuck with me um all right next question let's fucking keep it going all right here we go a 21 year old guy from canada we just got rid of a 21 year old girl from canada got rid of you mean talked to her. Oh, yeah, yeah. I figure once I archive these emails, they're dead. Well, you specifically asked that girl to talk to us in five weeks.

Yeah, I guess she could stay alive for now. We'll call this guy Teron. Nice. I'm a 21-year-old guy from Canada. Here's my problem. I dated a girl a while back. Let's call her Anita. It was nothing all that serious.

We only dated for probably less than six months in total, but overall it went fairly well. We ended things at the start of the summer, and I was pretty okay with it, considering we both had to go to different cities for work purposes. However, since breaking up, I always had this lingering feeling that we could pick things up again as we're both back in our hometown this summer.

I guess I'm not expecting anything particularly serious as once summer hits, it will be the same situation. But hell, it's cuffing season. We had a good time. And to be quite honest, I'm lonely AF. I tried getting her attention casually at first, throwing a few Instagram likes her way, slid into some DMs trying to spark up a conversation

when I saw her in public, all to an overwhelming amount of disinterest from her. Eventually, I gave up and moved on. My feelings for her are completely gone until I caught wind that she's now dating a girl. Now, she never gave me any signs that she was gay slash bi when we were together, and frankly, I'm fully aware that it's not my business. But now I can't help but want her again. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and inferiority. She occupies my thoughts almost 24-7, and I can't make it stop.

What can I do? Do you think the fact that she's dating a girl and not a guy has anything to do with the way I'm feeling? Have either of you ever been in this situation before? Please help. Just knock it off, man help just knock it off man just knock it off he's like growing obsessed with this girl the less interest she gives him it's like she's so far removed from having anything to do with you now you're like her you're some random guy she dated for a few months over a year ago and now she doesn't she's like not even attracted to your sex or at least is attracted to this other person that's not your sex

yeah so like just quit it he demands an explanation you don't deserve one you don't get one i like that i threw a few instagram likes her way nothing slid into her dms and she was very unresponsive i even tried to makeid into her dms and she was very unresponsive i even tried to make conversation with her irl and nothing was brewing so now i'm totally over her except for the fact that i think about her 24 7 and i'm furious about who she's with jesus christ as she gets further and further away you're growing more and more intense. Yeah. She does not owe you an explanation. She does not owe you a goddamn thing. Just. Find someone else?

Yeah. I mean, the best way to get over whatever you're feeling is not to get like closure from, from this person because whatever is happening is happening in, in your head, not hers. So, like, she does, there's nothing that she can give you

that will make you feel better. Would you say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? No, because I don't know if this guy's ready for any relationship. It sounds... Would you say that he deserves a big helping of blueberry bolognese. Bolognese.

Yeah, I guess my advice for anyone trying to get over someone is to just shift your energy to someone else, somebody new, somebody exciting. You're probably just creating a narrative in your head that's keeping you more obsessed, growing to the point where you're thinking about her almost 24-7. Yeah, I think the easiest way to shift from one person to another is to bring your focus back on yourself, too. So you focus on you and how you can make yourself better. And then that takes the laser focus away from this person.

It lets you train it elsewhere after you've done some self-improvement. That's beautiful. Or, okay, a happy ending. Like a massage? Yeah, like a massage where someone jays you up. You brought that up when the guy was going to Asia. Asia, yeah. I've been thinking a lot about happy endings and whether or not they're legal

V illegal. I feel like if we did like a bullet point of your advice, this episode, it was like, get a happy ending in Asia. Make fun of people as fortunate than you. The one cranberry sauce on your meat. Pasta.

It's just like, this was like a really big, you know, whiffer for you today. Like everything I said was basically not nice or good to have. Yeah, like everything that I brought up on this episode, basically, like from start to finish. Oh, you also did the, you know, like the passive aggressive thing to the roommate. Oh yeah, as an option to be like, not to be honest with yourself or somebody else, which is also, I think, not good.

Like basically in total, all the things that I said this episode were not good to do. Right. Yeah. And then one of them was kind of, a few of them were illegal and one of them was just being nasty to other people. Right. Yeah. And then one of them was kind of, a few of them were illegal and one of them was just being nasty

to other people. Yeah. Yeah. All right. How did you do? I mean, I figured we should call each other out on our bullshit.

Yeah. I think for the most part. And I appreciate you doing it to me. Right. But now it's like, let's, yeah. What did you say?

I don't know if I, how many questions did we answer? I think four. So I think I went four for four, and then I would even consider. So overall, batting 500 is pretty good. I think between the two of us, we did pretty good, four of eight. Well, yeah, but it's sort of like when two baseball teams play each other, you don't combine the batting average.

I want to split that doubleheader. It's like I pitched a no-hitter because I also did really well defensively. And I did fine too. Because I said the cranberry sauce was I gave up a few runs

but overall we ended up outscoring our opponent. If I was a starting pitcher would you say I did fine? You got shelled if you were a starting pitcher because I like went ham on you.

I feel like I went six and I gave up like two earned. But we ended up winning the game. 11 to two or some shit. I'd be like yeah, no you. ended up winning the game. 11 to 2 or some shit. And now I'm going to fucking detox with a hot raspberry puree.

And an ice bath. Nuts first. All right. Thanks for emailing us. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, send them all to ifhouryoushow at gmail.com.

That closing one was dabbing on them haters. Oh, this,mail.com. That closing one was dabbing on them haters. Oh, this, sorry, that opening one was dabbing on them haters. This closing one was a solid rap song, but kind of long, so I'm saving it for the end. This guy calls himself Cuck Finn. Me and two bros meet H2O. Not quite sure what it means, but hopefully it makes sense during the song. Thanks for writing in.

Thanks for listening. And of course, we'll be back next week. Ciao. How are you, you old bitch? You may think it's weird to fantasize that Jake and Amir Would take me on a date, maybe to a lake or a pier But is it weird to sleep and dream that me and them would reconvene And share a bowl of mac and cheese at Caspian Sea?

I'm packing up packets of crafty as we speak with napkins We'll go halfers though, I'll keep the receipts But we'll figure out the details. Went on the beach with seashells and looking at the sea swells. Bring the milk for B12, but don't bring any females. Cause all we need is three males to share a lovely outing in some pasta bought at retail. Of course, obviously, it's no news to you. Had to have a good time with some macaroni and stew.

Stir it up thoroughly in a pot. Mix it too with the sauce. If it's hot, you should let it cool off. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. But we don't need a Laker C to put this plan in motion. Just let me know on Dogpile, whichever ocean's closest.

We'll be roasted weenies on the coast. We're toasted. With Jake and Amir. Jake and Jake and Amir, Jake and Jake and Amir and me. With Jake and Amir, Jake and Jake and Amir, take me to a puddle brook or a sea. Let me know. That was a HeadGum Podcast.