Segments - 36: Snail Trail (Live At Littlefield!)

Episode Date: November 11, 2013

In this episode we discuss suspicious hair, suspicious lovers, and suspicious smells. Recorded in front of a live studio audience at Littlefield bar in Brooklyn, NY! This episode is brought to you by TouchOfModern.com -- cool modern products to upgrade your home: http://bit.ly/1iYurgK See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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That was fun. It was fun. It actually, it got real. This is one that I think it really got real. It very much so got real. So please enjoy and thanks to Touch of Modern for sponsoring this very special episode. Thanks. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.

If only I were you. Shark.com. Please welcome the host of If I Were You, Jake and Amir. Todah. Todah, indeed. Todah Rabbah. This reminds me, we're going to do the entire show in Hebrew, so get used to it.

I was going to say this reminds me of my apartment. Right, yeah, it's the same as the towel cave. Yeah. But instead of nothing nothing there's 200 people right wow how exciting thank you guys thank you for coming out did somebody come here from boston wow for just for this holy shit you fucked up i wouldn't even go to Boston for this. I had to send Jake and, I don't know, a special guest host or something.

Did you know we're going to Boston? I did, but this was before you announced it. Sorry, bro. Baller. Baller move. How was the drive? It was pretty good. We got here in like two and a half hours.

That is too fast. No, that's illegal. Sir, officer, arrest this man, I think. I think he did 140 the entire time. Absolutely. It's a 250 mile drive. What did he say, two and a half hours? You came here in a helicopter.

Holy shit, it's Kobe Bryant himself. Who's been at the background of our podcast for the last 30 minutes. For a long time, yeah. I thought Kobe was backstage right now. He is back. Come on, man. Come on, Kobe. Ah, he's shy. Wow, why? You gotta respect the tenacity.

Yeah. I don't know why. The audacity for such tenacity. I came here from Israel. Somebody came here from Israel? In two and a half hours, no less. She teleported. Wait, somebody just... I'm trying to turn this into an experience

that people at home can enjoy. So somebody in the crowd yelled, I came here from Israel. And she has to stand. Then if you were actually from Israel, you would have cut to the front of the line and gotten a first row seat. So I don't trust you that you were actually from Israel, you would have cut to the front of the line and gotten a first row seat. So I don't trust you that you're actually from Israel.

Where in Israel are you from? Ephel. Ephel? Jerusalem. Ken, tada. I need me a full ass. Ken. Jen.

And then. I need? Ken. Low, low,... Ani? Ken. Lo, lo, lo, lo. Jake knows three words in Hebrew. Ani, which means me. Lo, lo, lo, which means no, no, no. And?

Ken. Ken. No, I know toda. Toda. I got... What else do I got? Sababa. Sababa. Neshe kot means kisses.

Right? Two and a half hours. Let's start the show. All right. For those of you who don't know, this is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. And I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And it's, nobody here has never heard the show before, right?

Has anybody never heard an episode like they were dragged by a friend? Wow, so a lot of people. Damn it. Great. We really wanted you guys to bring people that were familiar with the format. So you guys never heard of it at all? How?

How? How? How? How? You could have at least, I don't know, scrubbed through at least five minutes of it on the way over here. What do you mean? You have no idea who I am? Scrub? Scrub through five minutes? That wouldn't be effective.

Yeah. No, that's not an effective method to taking something in. What do you know about effective methods, asshole? Oh, wow. Low blow. So the way it works is we accept emails of people in difficult situations, people having problems, people who are experiencing conundrums, if you will. I absolutely will. So they've asked us for advice, and we think it's our civic duty to give them advice.

Yeah, it is our civic duty, which is why I don't go to jury duty. Yeah. Because I've already done a civic duty. Right, we're upstanding members of society. In fact, I have diplomatic immunity, I think, from this. Easy does it. I park in completely unattainable illegal spots in front of pirates.

Yeah, you'll park your car across two handicapped spaces. Right. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. Because I've done my civic duty, Your Honor. Right, I saw you urinating on the door to an orphanage the other day. Yeah. Once again, I've earned that right through this civic duty. That's not a right anyone should want to earn.

Even if you have that right, exercising is just mean. Exercising is never mean. Guys, exercise. You have to look your best. Don't turn this into a positive thing that you said. Uh, gosh. Well, thank you for Littlefield for having us. Don't turn this into a positive thing that you said. Gosh. Well, thank you for Littlefield for having us.

This is such an exciting time. This is basically our first live podcast. Right. The one we did at Comic-Con was absolute bullshit. That was garbage. I don't know if any of you were there, but it was garbage. Oh, some of you were there? Was anyone there?

Yeah? Yeah, I had to work. I was at Comic-Con, not at your podcast. I will say Comic-Con was bullshit, though. I was getting Thor's autograph the entire time. All right, should we get started? Yeah, you haven't touched your whiskey, though. Nah, it's good, it's good.

It's good? You like it? It's a little strong. Taste it if you like it. I do, it tastes like my apple syrup. Cheers. Salute. Salute. To the lips and then with a swallowing. Absolutely. To the lips. Next to the gods, brother. Here we go. Absolutely. For those of you listening at home, I just kissed the cup. That was the joke there. That was a visual. A visual. And now to imbibe.

As it were. And it were. And for those of you listening at home, I just took the shot. Did not grimace at all. For those of you at home, I'm drunk now. I took it like a man. I have hair on my chest. More than a normal person should. I dipped a beautiful woman and kissed her on the lips. There we go. Alright, here we

go. Ready? Ready? Yeah! She's shaking. All right, well, easy does it. Jesus. Doda. Robot. All right.

Yeah. Okay, you good? Uh-huh. Pal? So I just read the questions, right? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's vodka. Oh, yeah, sorry.

All right. Yeah. You know what? What's the theme for this? What are the names? Oh, that's a good question. We could do, like, Brooklyn Nets players, since we're in Brooklyn. Why don't we do people in the audience?

Someone give me a name. First one I heard was Eric. You're going to want to be way faster. Someone be as fast as Eric was. Who came here? I'm already using Eric, guys. Eric came here. He was going to shout his name no matter what, whether I asked or not. The theme for today is people named Eric.

So Eric... Leif Erikson writes... Leif Erikson writes... Dear motherfuckers, my girlfriend of a year is great. Good looks, hot bod, real fun. The only shit is that she has hints of facial hair

on the brow, above the lips and most disgusting on the tip of her nose which you can only notice if you're very, very, very close kissing for example, it scratches my upper lip Ew I feel that my inevitable shallow personality is gonna fuck shit up and drive me to break up with her.

Should I find a way to psychologically make her wax? Or should I just tell her? Now that I think about it, she has some hair under her belly button and on her lower back, too. Fuck! That's the question. Oh my god.

It's spreading as he's talking. Now that I think about it, it's creeping down her forehead actually. Now that I mention it, she's howling at the moon. She's turned into a wolf lady. Now that I think about it, she has hair on her head. Oh wait, actually that's fine. That's normal.

Either way, I've loaded the silver bullet into a chamber. Should I get her? Should I hypnotize her or should I just shoot her through the heart? Shot through the heart. And Leif Erikson, you're to blame. You know what? I fear his shallow

personality is going to fuck shit up as well. Yeah. My biggest fear is that his shallow personality has already fucked shit up. One year. One year together. Yeah, girlfriend of the year. He described her as having a hot bod,

like, you know, being hairy isn't part of her bod. No, yeah. He means under the hair. Right. So under the hair is a hot little fizzy. She's a goddamn smoke show. Yeah. Just once you knife through the thicket of hair

to just enjoy the show. Yeah. Just once you knife through the thicket of hair to just enjoy the show. Yeah, Bigfoot. Bigfoot is good looking. Six foot eight, tall, handsome guy, but too much hair. So is it shallow to not like a girl because of some hair? Yes. Okay.

Right? Next question. Well, no, that's not advice. But isn't it shallow to not like anybody based on looks? Isn't everything we do shallow? So why is this guy a worse person for finding something so small? That's a good question. Yeah, like if somebody's unattractive and you're like, oh, I'm not attracted to her, are you shallow?

Right, oh, this person is fat and covered in warts. That's like nobody's going to be like, oh, well, obviously, yeah, we're not, like nobody thinks that guy's a bad person, right? But a little tuft of hair on the tip of the nose Little whiskers Nose tuft What does he think, cats are unattractive?

I'd fuck a cat You have fucked a cat You dated a cat for a year and a half You broke up with it But the cat came back The very next day I really thought she was a goner But the cat came back The very next day. The very next day the cat came back. I really thought she was a goner. No, but the cat came back.

The very next day. She wouldn't stay away, away, away. Oh no. That's an actually really fucked up song. Isn't that like they kill the cat several times? Yeah, I think it's the cat with nine limes thing. That's like the point of the song. Anyway. Anyway. Break up with your girlfriend?

She's, but she has good looks, hot bod, and is real fun. Real fun. I wonder if she would feel that way if she knew. His question, by the way, is should I find a way to psychologically make her wax? He means trick her, hypnotize her, inception her, whisper shave into her ear while she sleeps. What do you do? Does she know?

Maybe you take her to a Color Me Mine, a.k.a. a barber shop. Right. You cover her eyes, right? And you say, paint this ceramic turtle when in fact she's getting shaved on her mustache,

her nose, and getting her lower back whacked. This is the most convoluted thing I've ever heard. You're just trying to dupe her into getting a wax? Yeah, instead of psychologically doing it. That actually makes me remember when I was 20, I worked at a candy store, and this guy next door, he worked at a salon and he he used to flirt with me and i would flirt

back just for validation i guess but so he would um come in i would give him free candy and he would always say like hey if you ever want a haircut just come by the salon and eventually one day i was like you know what i'm gonna actually i'm gonna take him up on i went to the salon and as he was uh cutting and washing my hair i just felt hot like a hot liquid on my brow. And I was like, alright, I don't know what that is. And then the next thing I know, it's like, oh. And he was like, I knew you weren't going to let me, but you had a unibrow. Wow. He's like, I knew if I

asked, you would have said no. Yeah, of course. I would have. So maybe do something like that. Hey, baby, do you want some dinner? Okay, sure. Oh, you two make me feel like you got into some really kinky shit. Like pouring hot wax on each other. Oh, okay.

Like, oh yeah baby, this will be so sexy. I'm just gonna pour it just on the tip of your nose and that's it. And ooh, just a little bit on the brow, a little bit on the lower back and on the belly button. That's where it gets me the hottest. I knew if I asked, you wouldn't say yes. I break up with you. Alright.

We still haven't given him advice. Well, that's actually pretty good advice. Secret wax. Secret wax. The sexual secret wax. It's not a secret if she's awake for it. That sounded bad It sounded bad and I don't think you can come back from it

Yeah it didn't deceivably sound bad It sounded bad because it was Yeah that's why it sounded bad Because it was bad Yeah it was not good Bad Three hours later Bad

Gosh Now that I think about it she has some hair under her belly button Essentially. Three hours later. Bad. Gosh. Now that I think about it, she has some hair under her belly button. Well, some girls do have hair, like a little mustache hair, and it's very light, and they wax it. Yeah, I mean, look at us.

Well, we're males, so that's cool. Okay. So, you know, you know there's differences between males and females. Totally, yeah, yeah. So it's bad when they have a beard, good when we do. No, no, like, ladies don't even grow, you don't think they shave their beards. What?

I get it. What? Totally, we're good. Girls have, men have. Men have penises, right? I wanted you to say it, but I thought you wouldn't. And boobs, you know that there's not... Yeah, okay.

So it's not just flat-chested ladies wearing bras. You know, physiologically, they're different from male. Yep. Got it. Good. We're all on the same page. And real quick, the inside one, that's vagina.

And the outside one, dick. And then we can move on. I'm serious. Yeah. Of course. L'chaim. L'chaim. So yeah, yeah. Of course. The Chaim. The Chaim.

So, yeah, I don't know. This guy sounds... You sound like you're shallow. I don't think... Not terribly shallow. Not terribly shallow. I think it's pretty standard to not want your girlfriend

to have hair, excessive hair. Yeah, but what do you say? What do you say to her? Ladies, any ladies in the house, if a guy said, will you shave for me, would you be offended? No.

Some no's and some yes's. Wait, say it one more time. She should know she's hairy, says the girls. I hate all you guys who are putting this on the woman. But if I said, she should know she's hairy,

all of a sudden I'm mean. Or sexist. Is it true? Maybe she does know she's hairy, all of a sudden I'm mean. Or sexist. Maybe she does know she's hairy. Maybe she's cool with it. So if he brings it up, maybe it's not a surprise, but she's like, hey, I actually dig the tuft of hair I got on my schnoz. And he was like, you know what?

I think that's beautiful. I think that's awesome how cool you are. I, on the other hand, think it's awful. I'm going to bounce. Let's agree to disagree. Call it a day. I don't even know what to tell this guy. I would be stumped, too. You can't tell a girl to shave, and at the same time...

After a year, maybe you'd just be like, hey. Hey, you. Whoa. Fuzzy right there on the tip. Yeah, no, there's nothing you can do. My advice is to just break up with her. Yeah, break up with her. That way you have to avoid having a conversation with her.

Yeah. Oh, well, maybe you'll find someone who's equally good, hot bod, real fun, but no hair. You know what? You probably won't. You might have to sacrifice real fun, but there's not going to be any hair, so we're going to be cool with that.

Of those four things, good looks, hot bod, real fun, no hair, just choose somebody that has three of the other four. Right, you're never going to get all, it's never going to be cool with one. Of those four things, good looks, hot bod, real fun, no hair, just choose somebody that has three of the other four. Right, you're never going to get all, it's never going to be a perfect game. Yeah. No such thing. So our advice, break up. That's how we do.

In fact, your advice is to always break up. Yeah, next question, even without reading it. Break up, I guess. I think you just want more single ladies in your pool or something. All the single ladies. All the single ladies? Yeah. Break up, I guess. I think you just want more single ladies in your pool or something. All the single ladies. All the single ladies? Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. All right. Next question? Next question. Move right along. These are real emails, by the way, but we're giving them fake names to preserve their... Anonymity.

Nailed it. Thank you. This one comes from... Jess. God, I heard Jess. Honestly, I heard no names just now. I don't know if I'm having some kind of... Jess? Jess. It's from Jess.

Okay. Jazz? Oh, Jazz, are you here? What up, girl? So Jazz is's from Jess. Okay. Jazz? Oh, Jazzy, you here? What up, girl? So Jazz is a male in this case. Sorry, Jazz. We'll call him DJ Jazzy Jeff. Here we go. Jazz inspired. DJ Jazzy Jeff writes,

Hey guys, I'm happily in a relationship with my girlfriend and recently had a terrifying realization which cannot be unthought. A section of her house has the same smell as a lady's underlady parts. I've got... What are you cupping? Says the guy who didn't know the difference.

I've gone down on other girls, so I'm pretty familiar with the smell. Don't worry about that. And don't have a problem with it, but it weirds me out every time I'm in that part of the house. I mean, something else you should know. This isn't the part of the house where my girlfriend sleeps, but it's where her mom sleeps.

Oh. Unless she's snail trailing the walls. I don't know how this happened, but my question is, should I not tell my girlfriend my discovery? She recently asked if her house smelled like anything, and I said no, then later made the twisted realization, thanks, DJ Jazzy Jeff.

The twisted realization, of course. Sherlock's deduced that... Sorry, there's nothing else it could be. I think your mom's snail trailing. Yeah, I think she's getting turned on, getting herself wet, and just scooting across the floor and wall. Yeah, like some sort of perverted sex Roomba.

Like an air hockey puck. Being frictionless with her own mucus membrane. Sliding hither and thither. Vertically just leaving tiny little traces of pee juice everywhere. By pee juice, I mean pussy juice. No, yeah. I think snail trailing is the funniest term I've ever heard, ever.

That's an amazing... He had to have made that up. Have you guys heard of snail trailing before? No. Yes? Someone said yes. In terms of what?

The one person that said yes is the person that invented snail trailing. Because I swear to God, this guy's the second person that ever heard it. What could snail trail other than this situation? The wet spot in the bed. The wet spot in the bed.

That's not a trail, though. I'm talking about, you know how when you're driving on a really hot road and you see the mirage, the glistening mirage? That's the snail trail. You're talking about a single wet spot snail trailing I want this episode to be called snail trailing if we say it enough more times it'll be called snail trailing

I want to say it now and forever I want to get a tattoo of a snail trailing I want to see that movie Turbo in a whole new light I want to get a tattoo of a snail trailing. I want to see that movie Turbo in a whole new light. A shiny light that glistens off the trail of a wall. Snail trailing the walls, because that also implies that the mom has some sort of weird power

to get up a wall. No, how would that even... I think her mom's a little girl from the ring with a wet vagina. I think she's just scaling the walls, leaving weird little traces of her vag. I think she can do a standing up, perfectly vertical split. Dog, I go down on a lot of chicks. I'm cool with the smell. What I'm not cool with is snail trailing. Dear Christ.

Help us, oh Lord. Help me because I want that rest of her house to smell like that. You think if something smelled like pussy juice, you would be able to nail that smell? Think about that. Yeah, I think I could pinpoint

the smell of vagina Good, me too Well, I think it also Ah, whatever This guy's It sounds like I think You know what

Have you guys ever You know that plant that smells like cum? I was trying to think of a nice way to say it Right? That's not a plant You've just been jizzing in plants I fucked a garden There is a plant that

smells like cum I don't know what it's called does anyone know what I kiss dogwood yes I think that is right that's funny because that's what you call your dick yeah so yeah maybe I don't think there's this it necessarily is um actual pussy juice in the house it It might just be something else. It might just be... What other logical explanation is there? Fish. It's fish.

It smells like fish. That's what it is. That's what vaginas smell like to you? Sometimes, not all the time, sometimes a bad vagina will smell like a fish. What? You guys are being real quiet, but you know that's true.

I want you all to go home, order sushi, and don't pick it up or eat it for a week. Yeah, and all the ladies in here, I want you to go home and not take a shower for a week and go out dancing and stuff, and then compare it. Try it out. Try an eel, a salmon avocado roll, maybe some tuna tartare.

Spread it on the walls, liberally. I feel like this is illegal, what we're doing now. Soliciting people to rub fish on their walls? Absolutely not. We've done much more illegal things on this podcast. So what would you do if you smelled pussy juice? For a Klondike bar. I think smells usually dissipate.

I wouldn't necessarily bring it up to the girl. I think, let this one go, pal. I love that she's like, do you think my house smells like anything? Maybe she did it as a test to see how honest you were. She was snail trailing the walls. You don't think it smells like anything? No, not to me.

A multiple choice. It smells like flowers, pussy juice. A snail's trail, if you will. Or a potpourri. Would you say it smells like any one of those versus any one of the other ones that I mentioned? Let's just say pussy juice versus potpourri. What did you say it smelled like?

We'll narrow it down to two. Okay, Chew Falls doesn't smell like pussy juice. I don't know why this is Barack Obama talking about Chew Falls. Now look. Somebody's been snail trailing the walls, obviously. A lot of folks like snail trailing the walls. I, for one, love Michelle's snail trail.

Michelle Obama? Absolutely. Mrs. Michelle Barack Obama? Snail trail on the White House walls in the Rose Garden? All right. I think I'm going to be killed by the NSA for this. I think Edward Snowden is going to have my head in a bag for that. I think Edward Snowden wrote this question to out me.

He knew we'd go there. I'm on some kind of list. We started from the snail trail and now we're here. We absolutely are. Jesus Christ. What now? Do we give him advice? Don't say anything?

Don't say. Don't say it smells like pussy juice. Yeah. Don't say it smells like pussy juice. When it smells like pussy juice, don't... See, smell something, say nothing. Here's a thing that I thought

I always think in general. When people say things smell bad... More whiskey for you? Salud. Why don't you just breathe out of your mouth? That is said like someone who always smells bad.

What a weird defense. It's like you've had a lifetime of people saying around you that something smelled funny. Smell out of your mouth, mom. I am, but I taste it, Amir. Look, just let me wash the towel. It's caked in semen. How many snails have trailed on this whale? Seriously, if something smells temporarily,

I'm a mouth breather, so I rarely smell out of my nose. Or I rarely smell things because I don't breathe through my nose. Right. The downside is that my mouth is always agape and I look like an idiot. The pro is not smelling things very often. If you breathe out of your mouth, can you still smell things? I don't know, male. Maybe not. I don't know, but as soon as you smell something in your nose and you're like, oh, I'm going to stop breathing out of my nose, just my mouth, then you are thinking you're just tasting it. If I'm in a bathroom and it smells like shit and I'm like, oh man, all right, nose, you're cut off, go into my

mouth. I'm like, oh no, wait, that's like shit particles sneaking into my mouth hole. So I just try to hold my breath and leave. That said, I think the, like one part of your girlfriend's house smelling like vagina is such a small problem

and it's so easily avoidable that I can't believe you're considering like bringing this up in conversation. Yeah, it's not like there's a tuft of hair on his girlfriend's nose. I mean, that's a game changer. That is a game changer. That being said, break up with her.

Let's move on. Alright, my advice to you or Jake's advice is don't bring it up. My advice is breathe through your mouth. Yeah. I give that advice a lot, oddly enough. It never ever makes sense Until now

Alright third question Who's got it What did she say Alina Alina I heard Lina Alina Dunham Alina Dunham Alina Dunham

I'm not going to get you guys with that joke I should stop Just keep on saying it until they laugh Alina Adunim? Alina Adunim. I'm not going to get you guys with that joke. I should stop. Just keep on saying it until they laugh. Alina Adunim? This is also from a dude. Actually, it could be from a girl. Let's just say it is from Alina. Hey, dudes. So, it was my 15th birthday last Sunday,

and my parents... Sure. Why did you out? Are you 15? Yo, we all love being 15 You can't be here if you're 15, sir Security Alright

So it was my 15th birthday last Sunday And my parents got me tickets to a rugby match in Edinburgh We live in a small town about 60 miles away I love my mama and pa But for some strange screwed up reason, I cannot be seen in public with them. Reluctantly, I have agreed

to go, but it gets worse. They are spending a night out with their friends after, so we will not be driving to the match. Oh no, we are taking the train. I can't seem to convince them that this is a bad idea and will leave me moody and embarrassed and generally ruin my weekend.

I know you may think I'm an asshole, but is it unnormal for a teen to be mortified to be seen with their elders in busy places? Thanks. Alina? Alina. Alina. Alina Dunham? Alina Dunham? Anyone? I do love how self-aware this

kid is. Yeah. I think he's an asshole. But I think he's the only 15-year-old that is not like, oh, my parents suck. I hate my parents. He's like, for some crazy reason, I hate being seen with them. You know what? I feel like... Of course.

Now that I read this, it sounds like the parents writing for the teenager. Right. Like, oh, I'm so mortified for some strange reason to be seen with my parents, who are pretty cool. Is it normal for my teen to hate me? I mean, them. I mean, my parents. Oh, God.

We want to take the train. Help! It's so sad and funny at the same time. Teenagers do hate their parents. Yeah. Did you ever go through that? Did you hate your parents? I didn't, but I'm not a female.

You're also, I mean, well, you're 30 now, and you hate your parents. Yeah. did you ever go through that? Did you hate your parents? I didn't, but I'm not a female. You're also, I mean, well, you're 30 now and you hate your parents. Yeah. You were a late bloomer. That was also my nickname. Yeah, yeah. Why do teenagers hate their parents? I don't know, because they don't understand us. Because they try to take us to fucking soccer matches

in the city on a train. Mom, I appreciate you being pregnant for nine months, then raising me from a toddler to a baby to a fucking two-year-old, five-year-old, ten-year-old fifth grader feeding me. Three more years and then I want money for college, but fuck off.

But I hate that all that stuff is counteracted by the fact that you listen to weird music when we're in the car together. Right, which eventually turns into you loving the Beatles. Yeah. You know we're old because we side with the parents. Oh, that's true. Holy shit.

Let's try to take this kid's side. Dude, we get it. Your parents suck. Your dad's lame. He dresses like a fucking tool. And your mom is always like, are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you need to go to the bathroom?

Like, fuck off, mom, I'm fine. You don't need to keep raising me. I'm 15 fucking years old now. I have pubes, bitch. You know what I'm saying? Just let me go to this goddamn soccer match. You guys drive, because I don't want you to hang out with your stupid friends.

What's the fucking point? You guys are going to be dead soon. Why do you need friends? That's what you tell your parents dude they suck salute yeah that's what you should tell your parents who are giving you a gift hey chill first of all parents don't give kids gifts all right their whole life is a gift they They deserve the gift. That's what my dad told me growing up. I never got a gift.

I never got anything. Don't awe him. I'm a privileged Jew. One time, I remember my parents were supposed to go to they were going to visit my aunt and uncle in Philadelphia. Woo, Philly.

So they were gone for the weekend. And I was super pumped. I told all my friends I was going to have a party. How old were you? This was when I was 17. Okay, cool. When I was 17 and my parents went away, I would be like, alright, I get to stay up until 1am playing GoldenEye. So I was 17 and my parents went away, I would be like, oh, right, I get to stay up till 1 a.m. playing GoldenEye.

So I was super pumped for this party, and my sister, my older sister, she came down with, like, not even strep throat, like a sore throat so bad that she had to go to the hospital. So my parents canceled their trip, and I was like, fuck you guys! I'll take care of Anna, all right?

I felt so slighted God what have I done to deserve this Other than everything that I've done so far in my life To deserve this I threw a chair And I told my dad I hated him The crazy part is I was in the right The crazy part is

Your parents didn't beat the shit out of you when you were an asshole 17-year-old. God, how patient do you have to be to be a parent? Yeah, they were just like, all right, you know what? Actually, we're just going to cut our losses. We have six kids. Now we'll have five. You were a bad egg.

I think you turned out bad. Despite our best efforts, you just said, fuck you, and your sister went to the hospital. So you have to go. I guess in some weird way, I failed raising you because your value system is so, so wrong. God, can we trade Jake's place with Hannah real quick? We'd love him to go to the hospital and not make it.

Oh, my God, it worked. He's there. I believe in God now. Oh, God. So the sad truth is it is not a normal for teenagers,. He's there. I believe in God now. Oh, God. So the sad truth is, it is not a normal for teenagers. And it's universal. This person's probably not in America

because she gives a shit about a rugby match. Right, for sure. And she also said Edinburgh, right? Yeah. That's another good clue. I deduce she's not in America because she likes rugby and said she wasn't in America.

Although she did say 60 miles. Although they do use miles in England, right? You can't win. Oh, it's Scotland. Smart crowd. I think it's amazing that you at least accept you hate your parents for no reason.

A lot of other people think they hate their parents for a good reason and they don't. Bottoms up on that whiskey. Huh? That's what I'm saying, boss. Dota. So, well, shit, it gets better. Yeah, you...

No, it doesn't get better. You just get older. Oh, you get better. Yeah. That's like the worst gay teen campaign. Don't worry. You get better. That's what the right says.

Yeah, yeah. That's like the conservative people at those camps that try to change people. You get better. Oh, my God. That'd be the worst. I don't even want to have made that joke. And yet you did. No, actually, you did. Okay.

So, but yeah, I think, except you suck right now, little 15 year old. You suck, you do. One day you will grow to appreciate your parents and you'll realize that like, hey, you don't have a lot of time with your parents. So the fact that they wanted to drive you to a soccer game

on your 15th birthday when I swear to God they have things they'd rather do. It's actually pretty awesome. And so try drive you to a soccer game on your 15th birthday when I swear to God they have things they'd rather do. It's actually pretty awesome. And so try to go to the soccer game and think of it as a cool experience rather than it sucking. That's bad advice. You know what's the karmic payback for this?

Your parents are going to grow old and actually annoying and then you're going to be an adult and you have to suck it up. Right? That is what happens. At first they're great and you hate them. Then they become 85 to 95 year olds. They're actually terrible racist smelly people.

And then you have to be like, I hate your father. Like, oh no, he's not so bad. He means well. He's a good man. Fuck me. So it all balances out in the end. Hate your parents now. Love them later. But for a good man. Fuck me. So it all balances out in the end. Hate your parents now, love them later, but for completely opposite reasons.

We should love our parents now and hate them later. Which is what I'm getting a head start on. I've spent my whole life thinking my parents were okay. They're deece. They're deaf deece. Yeah. You gave your dad a report card every year. Straight C. C plus. With extra credit could get up to a B minus.

That's what's up, daddy. I love you, dad. You spent one episode convincing your mom to leave your father. I love my dad. I think my mom can do better. My mom can do better. I can't do better. I've been dealt that hand and I accept it.

And my mom's a smoke show and she deserves a fucking ten. My dad's a four and a half, if not a three. My sister's here. She knows what's up. She can vouch for me. Rachel, stand up and yell about how much you hate your father. Give dad a ranking. One through ten.

No, you don't have to do that Alright A male in the crowd Just yelled 6 as a female For those of you listening at home Alright Moving on Do we take breaks during live podcasts? I don't think

We can afford it dude I mean would you have Anything to talk about During the break? Jake's virginity Oh shit Tell you what Wait wait

Somebody Somebody yelled Jake's virginity And then the crowd Erupted in Some sort of applause Continue Alright

So here's the thing. My virginity, I really, I can't, I don't want to discuss it on the podcast. Not because I'm embarrassed, because I... You know what would kill people? I'm embarrassed about nothing. If we stopped recording, send it to this crowd. That's what I'm saying. If you promise right now to edit this out, I'll do it for just the people in the crowd.

Just the people here. It's just that I don't want this to ever like, I don't want the recording to ever get out there. And I was like, this poor girl is gonna be mortified because it'll come back. Holy shit, I don't know what a mind fuck this will be. At this point we can't not. So it's just, all right. So everybody be quiet.

The story begins now. Story over now. You know what? This will be a good incentive. Every time we do a live show, you'll tell the story, but we'll never record it. I love that. That's beautiful. That's a way to

incentivize a crowd. Not that you guys aren't a great crowd. I mean, you guys are the best crowd because you came here without that incentive. Really. It's true. Fact. Whiskey, another bartender, please. That was half not a joke. Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah. I mean, that was a double. You didn't even fuck around. That was funny. That was funny. I didn't say it was funny. I said it was a double. Do you think that I'm funny?

I think you're insecure. Funny and insecure. I'll take that. I didn't say funny. You didn't disagree, though. All right, fourth question. Let's do it. it fourth question I'm funny really all right one time I'm funny you're funny does it mean anything that I said that I said that to that like after after you forced me to it doesn't it doesn't mean anything it

means everything. Total. Woo! All right, guys. Question number four. Y'all ready for this? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Y'all ready for this? Hey, Jake and Amir. How does he know our names? Jesus Christ.

Probably from the podcast. What's their name? Alexandra. Alexander? Alexander? It is a guy, so we have to say Alexander. Sorry, Alexandra. Alexandra the Great.

The Great S. Ready? Here we go. Question number four. I'm an 18-year-old high school... Fuck. I'm drunk. Are you drunk?

My dude. Hey. Give it to me, son. Everybody. We all ducks tonight. Terrible thing to spread. Hey, Jake and Amir. I'm an 18-year-old.

Wait, wait. Talk into the mic. You're not good at that. Ha. Ha. I'm an 18-year-old highly social senior in high school I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now And I lost my virginity to him

So I feel like we have a bond that can't be broken Unless you guys aren't fucking anymore It's pretty much broken already My friends and I are going on a ski trip for fall break And he thinks I'm going to fuck every hot guy I see in the mountains This is a girl Him becoming increasingly jealous is a girl. This is a girl. This is a girl. Him becoming increasingly jealous is a really big turn off,

but I can't fathom us breaking up, especially for something like this. Should I try to convince him of my faithfulness? And how? Love Alexandra. Love Alexandra the Great. I shouldn't have moved it. So it is Alexandra.

So this lady is going on a ski trip. Her boyfriend doesn't trust her. He thinks she's going to fuck every guy. So how can she prove that she'll be faithful to him? Which is such an honest, earnest, beautiful... She's like, I just want my boyfriend to know how much I love him. Yeah. And he's an asshole.

Do you hear what you... He thinks you're going to fuck every guy you see in the mountains? Like you haven't cultivated a relationship of trust where you won't do that? Not, see, ladies, not every guy is Jake Hurwitz. There are good people out there. How dare you? What? I don't think

any girl I'm with is gonna fuck every hot guy she sees in the mountains. I think I will fuck every hot girl I see in the mountains. Oh, never mind. So she... You guys, don't awe like you didn't know that about me. Thank you.

Give me a ha. Dope. Hashtag what now? So, this sweet, innocent, awesome high school senior who's lost her virginity to this terrible human being wants some sort of...

You know what she should do? Fuck a hot guy in the mountains? But also maybe call him before you get to the mountains. That way he can spy on you the entire weekend. That way he can finally trust you. That's smart. If you call him on your way up

and never ever hang up the phone, then he can listen to every conversation you have. That way, rest assured. You know what would be... I don't want to FaceTime. FaceTime, yeah, because you can have silent sex and then casual conversation. That's really nice. Anyway, what's going

on? Do you see the suns came last night? Oh, you're trying to get her to fuck people during this? Yeah, yeah. I'm saying this dude, if he needs to be That's really nice. it. I mean, like, that's a bond that can't be broken, virginity. And then he's gonna let this floozy go to the mountains? I mean, why does she want to go to the mountains in the first place, if not to fuck everyone? I mean, we all know skiing isn't fun. What's fun is fucking everyone. Right, she's gone up there to meet

every Joe snowboarder there is and drop trowel, drop her snow pants, bend over on a goddamn ski lift and take it from behind. Absolutely not. That's absolutely unfair. This is a bond that can be broken and will be broken if you go on a ski trip.

Would you say the surveillance should be both ways? Maybe the girl should be? No, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Whoa, what's going on right here? Somebody's giving us drinks. Happy birthday. That's what's up. It's our birthday or your birthday? Your birthday. Today? It's my birthday.

So, you want to finish this one? Ah, no, I got it. So, hopefully Jake's joke answer makes you realize how big of an amazing, amazing asshole. Pumpkin, you're dating a tumbling dickweed. Pumpkin, you're dating a tumbling, tumbling dickweed.

What now? I would break up with him before you go on your trip. Oh. Hook up with a hot ski dude and call it a day, dude. You do not have to put up with jealousy. I think jealousy is the worst fucking thing for a relationship. I got one guy that agrees with me. Satan is

clapping. Yes. Well, I think especially with young people, I mean, I don't know. Fuck, jealousy? That's so lame. Are you ever jealous, though? I've been jealous before,

but no. For the most part no because i think here's a good attract a tip to be attractive to your mate is to is to trust them right even if you're not even if you are jealous even if you're super insecure if you just pretend that you're not like did you hear her when she was like his jealousy is a huge turnoff yes that's true huge turnoff all you like the best thing you can be is cool with everything even when you're not yeah hear her when she was like, his jealousy is a huge turn off? Yes. Jealousy is a huge turn off. The best thing you can be is cool with everything. Even when you're not. Yeah, that's like a huge compliment that guys pay girls and the other

way around. Girls pay guys. He's not jealous. He's so cool. He lets me do this. He lets me do that. And then you give her enough slack and she fucking cheats on you. So next time, you gotta keep a tighter leash on that trick. Have you ever been cheated on. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever been cheated on?

Not that I know of. Not that you know of. Yeah. And I'm a pretty, and I've never cheated on someone. Have you ever been cheated on? Once. How did it feel? Fine.

First of all, don't awe him. He deserves to be cheated on 30 more times the fact that he's only been cheated on once is an amazing, you won the lottery I think my girlfriend in college made out with somebody and when she told me I had fucked two other people that's what I called her, I told her she was a slut you called her mid-orgy to yell at her

to chew her out. While two girls chewed you out. I'm sorry. You're 18. Break up with this person. Yeah, we really hate to break it to you. But you're... The person you lost your virginity to.

That pond's not as special as you think it is that bond's actually um more than breakable it means nothing it's goddamn wafer thin yeah it's balsa i wouldn't even consider it a bond as much as a uh a paper link a paper link you got us well whiskey, sister? It's not your fault. Just so you guys know how big of an asshole Jake is, he received a free drink three minutes ago and is complaining about it already.

I'm just saying, I really like bullet bourbon. You know what I'm saying? I got my hands in the crowd, though. I hate that that caught on. So, so far, four questions. Three of them break up with your wife. I do think that jealousy is a problem. It's a relationship cancer.

It is. It just grows. If you go on your ski trip and you're like, hey, I'm not going to cheat on you. I'll call you every night just so you know. Then he wins. And then every time you do anything, he's like, all right, call me so I know you're not cheating on me. Ew.

No. Absolutely not. Absolutely cheat on him. Yeah, better to just make his fears come true. This dude listens to the podcast too and he is absolutely mortified. We had another question that was like, my girlfriend's going on a ski trip.

I love her so much, but I just have this trust issue like ever since my dad cheated on my mom. I want to trust people so much, but even though she's amazing, I still just want her to call me every night so I feel safe. Is that crazy?

Cheat on him. Fuck every hot guy you see on the mountain. Where are you going? Okimo? I'll be there. You'll be there. Okimo. When you're cheating on someone, does it cross your mind the lady that you're cheating against?

The girl that you're letting down? Do you think about her? No. Not at all? No. You don't feel bad during? As is right. What is X?

Ass. You're an ass for that. I think... Well, I'm trying to remember what it feels like to cheat on somebody. Holy shit, you're hard. So it's amazing. It's more than getting you off. It's getting you on.

No, I don't think about the person until after it's over. And then? I feel awful. I feel sad. I feel like I want to recommit to them and be with them forever. And I think, hey, you know what? I don't want to tell them the truth, but if I pledge the rest of my life for them, won't that in some small way

make up for this incredible injustice that I've given them? That's what I think. And then that day goes by and the next day I'm like, oh, I'm texting. I'm on Tinder. What's what I think. And then that day goes by and the next day I'm like, oh, I'm texting. I'm on Tinder. What's up? What's up? What's up? And I mean, it's a cycle that just repeats itself.

Jesus! I love you. You know what? The whole thing is worth it because this podcast is more entertaining because of it. Because of the asshole that I am. Yeah. Because of this shallow human that everybody on earth thinks I'm doing a bit, but it's the realest version of me there is.

Even after that statement, you can still convince people it's some sort of weird Andy Kaufman Oh, no, no, no. That's like a heightened version of myself, baby. I promise you. I promise you. I promise you. This is the most honest I've ever been to anyone, and it's to all of you. You strangers and 41,000 people listening at home.

Should we answer one more question, or should we do that? One more. One more. Uno mas. Uno mas. Uno mas. Bruno Mars.

What's the name? What's your name? Bruno! Sammy! What's your name? Sammy! Sam. Sam. I saw you yell first and I couldn't hear you, but we got it. Sam.

Sammy. Sam writes. Sammy Sosa. Hey, I just started my first year at university and met this girl. We started hooking up on a somewhat regular basis. Winning. He didn't write that, that was me. Here's the problem.

I have had a girlfriend for about two years now. That is the calling of an asshole The mating call Where are my douchebags at? Awful, I hate it Alright, let me just, real quick Hey guys, I started first year at university I met this girl, we started hooking up on a somewhat regular basis Here's the problem, I've had a girlfriend for about two years now our relationship has gone a bit stale

But I enjoy having both these girls in my life I mean the girl I just met knows about my GF and doesn't have a problem with it my GF on the other hand is super Suspicious and asks me all the time about this new friend of mine Of course, I always assure her nothing is going on. And she seems to buy it. But, my question is, should I keep this amazing situation going? Thanks, guys. Love the show.

Just flashback to our last question of a girl. How do I assure my boyfriend of being faithful? We get such asshole dudes and such beautiful women with kind souls girls are so much better than guys

yeah they are girls are like how do I show my boyfriend I'm not cheating on him I would never ever ever ever do that how do I keep cheating on my girlfriend without her knowing I mean I'm in this fucking pimp ass place in my life and I want to keep the fucking nut rolling

how dare you call that an amazing situation? For you it's an amazing situation. Where you get to fuck one stranger and then the person you love and care about is suspicious and jealous

all of the time. But she doesn't fucking care or matter. That's an amazing situation. Yeah, because he gets to nut. That's a terrible... That's what's up. Toda.

Yo, where the geese at, though? I mean, break up with your girlfriend. Kill yourself, I think. At a Starbucks, preferably. Harry Caray at that Starbucks. Absolutely. Order a Trent to ice water and fucking put a straw on the ground

and fall on it. Yeah. Let it pierce through your fucking heart. Is there any way I can sharpen a straw into a sword and cut my neck open? Barista? Wait a minute. You've cheated on your girlfriend.

You're the asshole. You're yelling at me. I can do... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Absolutely, you're the asshole. I'm such an asshole that I have authority over other assholes to tell them when they're being assholes. You're the asshole king.

I'm the king asshole. Jesus, what a throne of shit I sit upon. But it's a goddamn honor in some weird way. Anything the ha touches is yours. This kingdom. Everything I touch turns to absolute shit. My friends, my family, here it goes. The whiskey now.

Liquid shit right here. A drink you sit up on your drink of diarrhea I will say, he should break up with his girlfriend I mean, what's the point? You have like somebody who's suspicious of your activities And you're hooking up with someone So you see how easy it is to hook up with people at college Be single and do that That's fun, that's great

Yeah, why have to deal with texting and reassuring someone That's like an added negative. Yeah, you're 18 or 19. You're not going to end up with this girl back home. You might as well just at least stop hurting her and be single. Was anyone in a relationship in high school here that survived throughout college? Nope. No.

Okay, so 0% success rate. Anybody listening at home who's in between the ages of 15 and 18 And is even thinking about Carrying a relationship over Know that it's impossible I will say, my parents met when they were 16 and 18 But look what they fucking raised This garbage can man whore

Absolutely Alright, you know what We have one last little question that we wanted to get to before the end Garbage can man whore. Totally. Absolutely. All right. You know, we have one last little question that we wanted to get to before the end. You are drunk, huh? We have one more last question. Your impression of a drunk person is really close to what your voice is.

All right. This is the last question. My friend Amy loves your show, and we came tonight to celebrate her 17th birthday. Will you sing happy birthday to her? And the answer is yes. No, actually, where's Amy? Come on stage.

The answer's no. Forget it. That's the show. Thank you. How was the show, guys? It was good, but Jake was really mad and angry and it ended on a sour note. Where's Amy? Amy. Amy Amy here any birthday like here are you come up to and make era you too sure why the fuck not

all right at this point people'm not lying. You will? If it's your birthday, come on. Hey, check IDs. Come on. Check IDs. Let me see some IDs. Yesterday, are we counting that? Yesterday, peace out, dog. Holy shit, this...

Whoa. This ID is from Mongolia, dude. Where does it say your birthday? Oh, there it is. Oh, Amy's actually here. Totally. Come on stage. Over here, over here, over here.

High five. Wait, is this everyone? Is this Amy? Where's Amy? You're the true Amy. So everyone sing happy birthday to Amy, but you guys can all absorb it. Ready?

Three, two, one. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Amy. And friends. Happy birthday to you. Guys, thank you so much for coming to our first real live podcast. Thank you.

Thank you, everybody. We appreciate it very, very, very much. As always, you can listen to the show. I know some of you have never heard it, but you can listen to it on every Monday and sometimes Thursday on ifireyoushow.com. Thanks again, everybody. Thank you so much. We'll be hanging out over there. Thank you.

Thank you.