Segments - 361: Wingmen (w/Jake Weisman and Matt Ingebretson)

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

The funny dudes behind Comedy Central's "Corporate" join us to discuss office holiday parties, investing wisely,, and of course: grapes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Shallow Jake and Chipmunk Baby Amir. The internet sensations of the eponymous web show. Who record a podcast weekly without fail. And have big parts on TV. And have their own production business. No matter what, they'll always be best friends.

They'll always be best friends. If I were you, by the way. If I were you, by the way. Hey Hurwitz and Bloomingfield I need your help, I need advice tonight I'm freaking out so here is my situation So sticky and it's killing me inside And so I pose my question I'll listen to your answers.

Even though you're joking most of the time. Like killing myself in Starbucks. I know I shouldn't do it. But if I did, my problem would subside. But that's really bad advice. Please spend some time on me. I don't think I can seize the cheese alone. If I were you. Please spend

some time on me, I don't think I can seize the cheese alone. If I were you. Wow. Wow, you played a full two minute song for our guest. Beautiful. Two and a half two-minute song for our guest. Beautiful. Two and a half.

And that's the end of the show. We gotta go. Of course. That makes sense. That was more than all of your time. I was holding up a lighter the whole time. That was beautiful. It got very hot. Matt and Jake from Corporate. Jake and Matt? Yeah. Jake and Matt. Usually it's Matt and Jake, even though that's in reverse alphabetical order. But I'm more important. He's taller. He's Matt? Yeah. Jake and Matt. Usually it's Matt and Jake even though that's in reverse alphabetical order. But I'm more important.

He's taller. He's more affable. Yeah, you go by height. That's what we do in our thing too. I'm an inch taller than Amir. Well, half an inch, but yeah. How tall are you guys? I'm 5'11 and 3 quarters, so I never made it to 6 feet. That might be very close to me. I'm in between 5'11 and 6 feet.

Do you lie and say 6? Depends on who's asking, brother. But yes, I'll say 6'4". You just said your real height on the podcast to all of our listeners. Well, technically, if we're getting scientific, I'm 5'5". Yeah, but with shoes, socks, plus rounding up. Yeah, with your platform. So let's get scientific. Matt, what are you at? 6'3"? Are you oh six four perfect height yeah six four is the goat height right it is uh any taller is bad yeah unless you're playing basketball because like i barely fit into planes i even on my instagram post photos of myself in airplane bathrooms because i can't

stand up right yeah i can barely truly horrifying in airplane bathrooms as a man standing up right i should sit down but every time i'm like let's roll the dice and see what happens you're taking shits on airplanes i've never taken a nice shit on an airplane just a really small toilet you can barely wipe yeah i shit on airplanes all the time good man i won't do. It took me a long time. I didn't do it until I was like, maybe I didn't do it until I was 30. That's cool. It's kind of like an adult move.

Yeah. Only adults can shit on airplanes. When I'm a grown up, I have to go and hurt my stomach. It's like your rabbi sits you down. It's like, it's now time. You're a man now. Double bar mitzvah time.

That is what the mile High Club is, right? First person to take a shit on an airplane. If you can fill the bowl. Oh my God. That is a thing too. There's no water in the bowl. It's a dry bowl. It's a horrible situation.

We should stop talking about this. We've upset everyone. Oh yeah, we did introduce you guys. Yeah, but not the song. The song was written by Rob. It was obviously an I Miss You by Blink-182 parody. You guys Blink fans? Oh, yeah.

I've listened to that song probably a thousand times over the course of three months, sophomore year of high school. Are you guys roughly our same age? How old are you guys? I'm 35, 31. Okay. So Jake and I are in between those two. Well, I'm 39, 5'4". Yeah, we're big into Blink.

Is Tom a good singer? Like, he has a very distinct voice, but would you say he's a good singer? I would not. You would say he's a bad singer? I think he's the kind of guy who got, like,

kicked out of choir and so he rebelled. And he's like, fuck you, I'm gonna make it anyway. Like, it's that kind of thing. I feel like there are a lot of singers like that

where, like, Creedence Clearwater revival, like John Foger fogarty like i don't think he's a good voice but i love it yeah because it just has to be unique controversial well i'm i'm here to fuck shit up he's got a voice that you like hearing whether it's good or not yeah it's more about being having like an interesting voice yeah i feel like he invented a new way to sing yeah is that is that fair to put on tom delong I guess that might be like, I don't know who like pioneered that kind of like whiny punk voice. Hello there. Yeah.

What small things. But the question is, does he talk like that or is he making a voice? I think we've even discussed this on the show. I watched like the Blink-182 documentaries. I had the Urethra Chronicles on VHS. Jesus. And Tom definitely, that's like his talking voice and singing voice. Oh, really?

Weirdly, those documentaries are a lot like Making a Murderer. Like, no one has watched them, but they were falsely imprisoned for years. Yeah, that's right.

Tom DeLonge. Yeah, you should watch them. They're fucked up. All right. So this is If I Were You, an advice show. After all,

we do our best to dispense our wisdom. People write us in. There aren't sticky situations. Sometimes it's just Jake and I. Now it's Jake and Matt and Jake and I. I'm so sorry to have another Jake on the show. It's very kind of you. No, I like it. It's nice.

Two Jakes. Is this the only other Jake that's been on the show? Have we had another Jake? That's a great question. I don't think we have. That's cool. Let's throw it to the fans. Get the callers going. Shout out in the comments. Let us know. I was trying to find some corporate related questions. Shout out to your comments. Let us know. I was trying to find some corporate related questions. Shout out to your show corporate.

Comedy Central. January 15th? Yes. Season 2. More on that later. But let's get into this right now. This is a guy. We'll give him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Matt, do you have a fake name to reference this man as?

Ralph. That's good. Cool. Last name? Ralph. Ralph. That's cool. Two Ralphs

for the price of one. Just like there's two Jakes. Ralph Ralph writes. I guess I just reached the limit of my creativity. I came up with Ralph. What more do you want? When is season three?

I have no more ideas, I guess. Season three is just season two, but everyone's name with Ralph. What more do you want? When is season three? I have no more ideas, I guess. Season three is just season two, but everyone's name is Ralph. That would be brilliant to refilm it. Who says no? Who would notice? How long would it go before someone noticed? All right. I'm a 23-year-old male, writes Ralph Ralph, who works at a desk job in San Francisco in a department of eight people.

I've been here for two years and the pay is decent. I've made some good friends and it's in a nice area and I really want to quit. I got some experience behind a computer doing mindless, dull work and now I want to move on to bigger and better pastures. I actually want to try my luck at comedy writing and you two have been big inspirations for me. I plan to wait until next month to quit. It is a good time since it's the start of the new year, and I'm currently waiting on my Christmas bonus. I was nervous about the timing of our department is behind on work right now, and one of my co-workers just went on maternity leave for five months. Quitting would leave the department in a bad spot, and I don't want to be a dick.

But the other day, I walked by my boss's desk while he was taking a piss, and the dude left his personal email open displaying what appeared to be an email regarding a job application he submitted. I don't want to get caught gawking at his screen, so I took a selfie and made sure to frame his screen in the background so I could sneak off and examine the email in private. Turns out it was a good move because not 10 seconds later he walked in

as I scooted back to my desk. But for some reason, the 2560x1080 resolution photo I took from 7 feet away wasn't good enough quality to make out the words on the screen. I tried to zoom in and enhance CSI style, but to no avail. Anyway, I looked freaking good in the selfie I took, so I might post it to the gram. Not sure yet. I started second guessing myself if the email was in fact a job offer or if I was just jumping to conclusions. I decided I wanted some more evidence. So when he went to lunch, he remembered to lock his computer.

So I casually perused his desk for any clues. Jesus. But no luck. Fast forward to the next day and he emails the department saying he has to step out for an hour. Usually if he does this, he provides an explanation like he's going to a doctor's appointment or a lunch. So on a hunch, I checked the office printer history and minutes before he had printed a word doc titled resume, the smoking gun. If he leaves our department, it would be devastating. It would be utter chaos. As mediocre as my boss is, he still pulls a ton

of weight. With him gone, plus my other co-worker on maternity leave, the department would suffer greatly from an onslaught of work. If I tried to quit then, it would be the worst timing imaginable. I would be a dick to all of my co-workers, and I would feel terrible for doing that to them. I'm considering if I should quit sooner than planned to beat him to the punch. It would make me seem like less of an ass while still accomplishing the same outcome. And it would make my boss look bad instead of me. The problem is that I have my holiday bonus still coming up, which would likely forfeit the and the Christmas party, which I would want to attend. And I'm honestly scared to jump back into the job market and want it to procrastinate a little bit

longer. Another option is that I just take his job, but I vowed to get a new job come January and I want to actually do something that I can enjoy my life. I want to value my happiness at my job over my salary. So should I quit before he quits to make him the dick? Should I wait until January to quit or stay and possibly get a promotion? Wow. Thanks for any help. That was a roller coaster, and I was on his side until he revealed himself to be a psychopath. Which was which paragraph? Really? That was crazy person.

That was a manifesto. And also the government. It seemed like a full first or second act of a corporate episode. The selfie, the enhancing, the checking the printer. Yeah, I think you would like our show. Well, I think the non-funny answer that I would give, that my honest advice would be, the most important part of this is to never take a promotion at a job you definitely don't want. Because then the worst part about that is you get attuned to the new salary.

Then you naturally just start buying things a little more loosely. And then you can't live without those things. Oh, interesting. Is that how people get you? That's how people get you. That's how you, that like is if you start working in the film industry and you want to be a writer or something, you just start working in a certain department, you start rising up and then you kind of can't live without that money. And you can't like go back to a dumb job and just write and try to get your way back in. So I definitely think do not take the promotion. That is the biggest mistake you could do because you

don't love it and life will be over before you know it. And so don't like, don't waste any time at a job you know you won't love. This is like the thesis of your show, basically. Yeah, for sure. And I would also say don't, I mean, it's good that you like the people you work with, but don't ever value the company over yourself. You should not let that factor into the decision. Especially, it doesn't sound like it's a startup. It's like a department of a bigger company. Yeah, eight people in his department.

Yeah, you can't worry about that at all and should be willing to abandon them at any cost. Yeah, try to get – I would say – It's totally true. Yeah. The weirdest part about – Because they would fire you. They don't care about you. Yeah, they don't care about you.

The weirdest part about that email to me now that I'm thinking about it is he really wants to go to the Christmas party. Like what company Christmas party is worth going to? There are so many open bars if you go on, like go online, you can find any way to get a drink anywhere. Like it's so easy.

I don't know what the fuck you care about that, but I would honestly wait it out, get the Christmas bonus, which will give you a few months of rent, I assume. Yeah, Christmas bonus for sure.

And then, you know, don't get a job that will take your mind away. Get a dumb job that's like for, make the bare minimum to pay rent and then write as much as you possibly can or perform and write. If you want to write comedy, I would try to move down to LA as well. Or maybe the bonus will be your moving costs or move to New York or something like that. But definitely don't get another job that utilizes your brain at all. Like literally as, go to Dunkin' Donuts, like just literally the stupidest job possible

and just try to write constantly because it takes many years to really learn how to do it well. Did you guys have shitty desk jobs? Is that the source of your show? Jake had this mindless job that he's talking about. He worked at a chandelier store. I quit because I was working as a post-production supervisor because i was failing upwards kind of in film and so i was working these shows like for rescue me i was becoming the post supervisor that and i was

making so much money and i was like 24 25 i was like i don't need this money i don't do heroin i don't need it so it's sort of like so i quit that job to work at a chandelier store which was as mindless as they come to write you know to write comedy and to tell jokes at night and stuff like that. So it worked. That's a very mature thought for a 25-year-old. It's like, I don't need the money. I'm going to take a worse, boring job. So to free my mental capacity.

I think it's the key. I want to work at a chandelier store. Yeah. Sometimes you, I mean, this is sounds like a very annoying thing that, what's that guy that Tony Robbins would say, but sometimes you do have to take a step backwards to go forwards. So you have to take less money to eventually get more money

and to do what you want to do. But not only that, but you took a job in a field that you're not interested in. Oh no, I love chandeliers. Oh my God,

I'm thinking about them right now. When I look at your faces, all I see are chandeliers. Why do you think you tried to sell a show so we could buy the chandeliers? That's all I really want. No, all I see are chandeliers. Why do you think you tried to sell the show? So we could buy the chandeliers. That's all I really want. No, it took as dumb a job as was available, and it was the right decision.

I mean, it was very stupid. Like, I retain no knowledge about chandeliers from the three years of working there, but it was definitely the right move. And, again, like, the older you get, and this is pretty serious, but the older you get, the people that are happy, I'm sure you guys see this, are the ones doing what they love for a living. You know, I feel like people who aren't doing what they love for a living, pretty universally unhappy. And so if you- Works a very large chunk of your life. In this country-

And so is sleep. It's your identity. Yeah, exactly. Sleep you gotta do. And then if you don't have a job- We know that. Right? Scientists have proven that.

If you don't have a job you like, then often what you'll do to combat that is like drink really heavily on the weekend. So you don't find the time to work to what you want. So you need to like, if you're a comedy writer and you need to find a job, you can pretend you're working at it and be writing at it. Like you need to like fuck the system basically and make it work for you i think what was your shitty job matt i had a bunch of them i i had came out here with a degree in marketing and english so i had jobs in like marketing at entertainment companies and copywriting and uh i won't i guess i won't say any of the names of the companies because they're all large entertainment companies but i would hop every six months i would become suicidal at the job and like desperately try to

get out of the situation I was in. And I used to, uh, cause it's hard when you have a job where you have no power to like get out for an interview as this guy said where his boss lied. And so I used to just, I, uh, I have asthma. And so at every single job I got, I would tell them early on that I had asthma. And then, and then when I got, I would tell them early on that I had asthma. And then when I would need to go out for multiple interviews, I would tell them that I was going to an asthma clinic. Even though those things aren't real. Yeah, there's no such thing as an asthma clinic.

Or like one time, it just got pretty cartoonish and silly. Like one time I literally walked into my boss's office and was like, I just threw up and I have to leave. I just threw up my asthma and I have to go home and get it. That's like what I did in like third grade. Yeah, I truly- Go to the nurse and be like, I threw up. I should have been more of an adult and given a real excuse,

but it's basically like, I have diarrhea. You don't want me around. We have a friend who like got uh who got like confronted about it like from by his boss was like is are your teeth okay you've you've had four dental appointments really worried yeah that's the go-to is the dentist you can use that once every six months yep then you slowly start to realize like people don't really have general doctor's appointments like people use that as an excuse, but like, when do you just have a doctor's appointment? For all you people out there trying to get out of your job, carry around an inhaler.

Oh, that's good. It's very easy to fake being short of breath. It's just like you could just put weed in there and have it be a vape. But like as long as it looks like an inhaler. No. So what should this guy do? What are you thinking for this guy? Is it just as simple as it looks like an inhaler. No. So what should this guy do? What are you thinking for this guy? Is it just as simple as leave and pursue your dream?

Get the Christmas bonus and then leave after that. Although if he leaves after, I guess this is staying. But the thing is about like writers, like while he's biding his time, like trying to figure out the best time to leave, all of the world is full of people who are not doing anything except for writing yes so like or as well start doing it i'd say at the very least unless this is the easiest job that doesn't require anything then you could maybe keep it because like it is a pain in the ass finding another job you didn't really go into that but it's like just make sure that you have are spending all of your time outside of work right i think you should leave the job because he said. If he becomes a boss.

Well, he also said that they look at him as the competent one, which means they're going to put more on him when his boss leaves. So he needs to go somewhere where they don't think he's particularly competent and he just has to pull a lever. He really needs all this mental energy. Because he clearly, he's invested enough emotionally in the people at this job to worry about them. And like, what happens if I leave.

It's like, no, you need to go somewhere where you just care about yourself because to make it as a comedy writer, you have to be very narcissistic. And it's very important to be very self-involved. He's got the comedy writer's anxiety though. Yes. Like with all the spying he did on his boss. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good sign.

He's definitely overthinking everything. And also thinking he looks good in a selfie in the bathroom. Like that's good. I would quit the day after my boss quit just so they get real desperate. That's when they're like, please stay. We'll give you several hundred thousands of dollars. We're losing everybody.

So that would be my, that's what I would do. Your advice is to leverage the boss quitting. Then you quit the very next day and they throw cash at you. save. Right, that goes against everything that all of us are saying. Of course, but this is

another option for this guy because I wouldn't have left. So you're telling him to double down on the corporate job, become the boss, and then also fuck over the people that he cares about and make him pay him a lot of cash. Yes. Give up on the writing dream. You do that for two, three, maybe 40 years until you retire and then you up on the writing dream. You do that for two, three, maybe 40 years until you retire.

And then you could pursue the writing thing as a retiree. You read a memoir about your insanely boring life that you spent behind a desk. At least that's what I would do in that situation. All right, let's get another question in about a wingman. Jake, do you have a wingman's name? Zanzibar. That's good. Zanzibar, right? Zanzibar. That's good. Zanzibar, right.

Zanzibar Ralph. My best friend from high school and I have been living in Manhattan for a year now. I've introduced him to a group of friends from college and we all get along great. Going out on the weekends is always a ton of fun. The end. Do you have any questions for me? However, he's the world's worst wingman. Whenever we do go out and I'm talking to a girl, he'll always awkwardly try to nudge us together or loudly tell my other friends to look over in my direction.

Sometimes he'll try to hit on girls for me in an over-aggressive manner. None of the other friends seem to have a problem with it, but it does make me feel self-conscious and small. I try talking to him about it, but he just brushes it off saying that he has, quote, my best interests at heart. He's always given me good advice in other areas before, and I owe him for helping me with my job interview a couple months back. But how do I get him to back off a little in this specific social situation? Todah, thank you. Love. Zanzibar. Wow. Bad wingman. Are you guys wingmen ever?

Do you guys have good wingmen in your life? Are you guys single? We're not single. No, we're not single. Cool. We're very boring. So you must have good wingmen because they both got you girlfriends. This is interesting.

I mean, this is a very complicated question. My instinct is to not go out with him every weekend. My instinct is to sort of try to diversify who you're hanging out with and kind of not really tell him your plans all the time. That can get tricky and that can be – I feel like this guy is – his friend is a little immature, so he might get a little mad about that. Your advice is to betray his friend. I so yeah because there's nothing i guess for me the idea of a wingman is a little like a little immature because when you get older you kind of just realize that everyone wants to get late like everyone wants to find someone everyone wants to have sex like it's not need your friend no you have you really don't Like it's kind of a very immature thing, kind of postured by media, I think, where it's like, we're not, everyone's lonely.

You know what I mean? Everyone's lonely and horny, like your web series. And so it's like, it's kind of like. The wingman concept is so bizarre. It's like, no one can help me have sex better than my best friend. Come on, dude. I need you to Help me have sex. Yeah.

Yeah, if you've already talked to him. It's not a job. It's not a real job. Yeah, I was trying to think if I've ever been a wingman for someone. Have you ever tried to help? Oh, I've definitely been a wingman. What do you do?

I was such a douche in my 20s. What do you do? Like, what would you do? Yeah, what's considered a good wingman? I guess I think sort of sacrificing yourself because I think – so I think if there's a group of girls at a bar and you're with a group of guys, the guy that goes over to talk to them is sort of immediately seen as the biggest asshole. It's like a sacrifice. It's kind of like a battle. You do bridge the gap. So you can come over and make fun of me for making a fool of myself.

And then the people on the sorry about him move. But I mean, not like super aggressive. Like I go over and I'm spilling a drink on somebody. But if I say, hey, what are you guys doing here? And people are like not kidding me. You walk over and pour a drink on your own head. Look at what Jakey do. The perfect wingman.

I feel like then people on like the outskirts of both groups can kind of like intermingle. I see. That's interesting. So yeah, I hadn't really thought about like that. Okay, here's what I think you should do. I think you should tell your friend to let you beat the shit out of him.

Like, I think he should, like, I think you should say like, okay, go over to this group and be kind of a douche and then you be the shit out of him like like i think he should like i think he you should say like okay go over to this group and be kind of a douche and then you be the hero and beat the shit out of him in front of these women right and then do that a few times and he'll stop wanting to be a wingman because he's the guy that's constantly getting yeah it's like dude if you really want me to have sex and you know feel the joy of ejaculation then you'll let me beat your cheeks in. Come on, man. Come on.

Are you a good wingman or not? The joy of ejaculation. Like chicken soup for the soul or something. Yeah, you have to make being a wingman bad for the guy. It has to, he has to, like, he has to make being a wingman like an unpleasant experience. It's a very selfless job because you are doing the social suffering of trying to break the ice, which is kind of awkward, without any of the joy of ejaculation. pleasant experience it's a very selfless job because you are doing the social suffering of

trying to break the ice which is kind of awkward without any of the joy of ejaculation right of course it's the shame of non-ejaculation yeah and then you bring it's the robin hood you steal the ejaculate from the rich shame of yeah i do think going back to what jake was saying is like everyone is alone And the more you can not think of this as a game That people are playing And be straight forward with people About like

Hey I think you look pretty Don't say that You know what actually I take all my advice back But you have a girlfriend Yeah I do have a girlfriend Did you meet her through a social wingman situation Or was it a Through online dating actually Okay so you don't through a social wingman situation or was it a- Through online dating, actually.

Okay. So you don't even need a wingman. No. Oh, well, a wingman app would be kind of cool. So it's wingmen, but for online dating. Didn't you have that idea once where you like swipe for your friend or something? Yeah, but I think, I think that's like interesting in theory, but like really, I don't want to spend too much of my time helping you get laid, you know?

Yeah. That's what makes you a bad wingman. It would be an underused app. I's what makes you a bad wingman. It would be an underused app. I've wingmaned for you. Wingmaned. No, it's wingmaned. I've wingmaned for you. Wim and Freud.

I've wingmaned for you hard before. Successfully, I might add. Do you remember any instances of me being a good wingman, or do you just know me to be a good wingman generally? Or do you just think I'm a shitty wingman? You just remember the two times I fucked up, and bring it up i never fucked up uh i can remember several successful wingmanning it's easier if it's like after a show where like people sort of know who we are already yeah it's easier if the wingman is in a relationship and he's wingmanning for someone who's not because it's like i'm out of the running but you know trickle down joy of ejaculation economics um but it is a delicate tightrope of like

you're being obviously a wingman and now it's being like detrimental to me where it's like you have to like toe the line between being good but not too overboard about it i think yeah what the the solution seems to be to have like a conversation with this guy that's not like you're being a bad wingman, but more like, let's not worry about girls tonight. Let's just go out and let's just have fun. Like, let's get drunk and we'll dance.

Yeah, being a good wingman is really just like being like kind of a nice, good conversationalist, you know? And hopefully they don't want to sleep with them instead of you. A non-shy guy. they don't want to sleep with them instead of you. A non-shy guy. You don't even need to call them a wingman. You could call them human. Just be a good person.

This is my human. Human, go talk to woman. Yeah. But also in general, I do think when you're that young, because they seem pretty young, like just know that. What have we learned there? You're going to end up dating so many people. Like you're going to end up dating so many people. Like you're going to end up dating so many people in your life.

Everyone dates so many people. You're going to not remember a lot of them and it doesn't matter. So just everyone relax. Like it's just not that big a deal. Which is our advice for every question. Just relax. Just relax. It's not that big a deal.

It's really not. First of all, chill. Second of all, relax. All right. Let's take a break. deal. It's really not. First of all, chill. Second of all, relax. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors, and then we'll be back. No, we don't have time for this shit. I just want to point out, there's my quick, real quick theory. Whoa.

That the friend is a fine wingman, and this guy can't get laid. Do we think about that? Oh. We didn't consider it until now. So let's also just remember that you should be self-reflective. Yeah. If you're not getting laid, it's not entirely on your friend. We didn't consider it until now. So let's also just remember that you should be self-reflective. Yeah. If you're not getting laid, it's not entirely on your friend.

Yeah, have your friend submit a question to this podcast. We want to hear his side of the story. I'm wingmanning the shit out of my dude. I'm throwing him alley-oops and he can't slam the ball. All right, now let's take a break. All right, fine, sorry. And then we'll be back with more questions and answers with Jake and Matt and me and Jake. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah.

It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's

when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Hey, Jake or Matt, do you guys have any? Oh, it's a little bit. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Sorry about that. Yep.

Unsolicited advice. That was great. This is extremely small, but I think that people in general don't realize how good grapes are. You're right, that is small. Your voice has got small talking about it. Fresh green grapes for dessert, you'll love it. And you probably haven't done it in a while

and you will love it. It tastes good. It's a very healthy candy. Grapes are nature's candy. And I feel like people are sleeping on grapes and they're so good. You ever freeze grapes? What?

You ever freeze grapes? Yeah? You ever freeze grapes? Yeah. I love it. Two quick things. Rebuttal? I think frozen grapes, like it makes my skin crawl. I can't eat. I hate cold fruit biting into it.

Wow. Yeah. I'm stressed out thinking about it. That said, I have also recently discovered grapes, and I think they're great. I think they're grapes. I don't do them for dessert, though. I put them in my salad. I'm a new convert to fruit and salad.

I thought it was bizarre. Dried up cranberries in salad sometimes is really good, too. What are your thoughts on fruit salad? Some chicken, some nuts, some grapes, some lettuce. I think that's a great salad. Yeah, I just think that grapes in general, you forget how good they are. They like genuinely taste sweet and they're not that bad for you. It's like, it's pretty awesome.

Yeah, when they're super crisp. And also just if you go to a part, like if you go to a dinner party, like a bowl of fresh grapes. Just imagine that right now. They're not frozen, so relax. Yeah. But you just like, you just put them on the table. It's like everyone's finished. Everyone's finished their dinner. The plates are cleared and the the host comes in and you're expecting an enormous cake.

Like one of the biggest cakes ever. But instead they put a fresh bowl of green grapes and you're like, how sensible. Everybody's pissed except for you. Yeah, I'm thrilled. I was afraid that would be a cake. Thank God it's this small grape. You're going to love it. I'm telling you, it's great.

One grape per person. Everybody take it like a pill. Best party ever. You're going to feel better about yourself after. It definitely doesn't fill you up in a gross way. And it's delicious. I'm just saying. I hate my pieces of advice now that yours was so cute.

But mine's not cute. Mine is wonderful. Mine's about shaving your grundle. With a grape. Alright, I'll give two pieces of advice. The first is... Just another fruit? Yeah, eat apples. Actually, honey crisp apples, if you haven't had

them, are delicious. Open a Roth IRA as soon as possible in your life. As soon as you can afford to put a little money away, Open a Roth IRA as soon as possible in your life. As soon as you can afford to put a little money away, open a Roth IRA. Tell me, I think, no, I do have one, but tell me about why that's good that I did it. It's good because

assuming the American economy does not collapse, the stock market generally goes up over time and so it's good to invest broadly in the stock market. And the Roth IRA is a place where you can put about five grand a year tax-free. And as long as you don't withdraw it until you retire, it's a tax-free money that you'll earn. And the earlier you do it in your life, the more time it has to mature and grow.

Is it the same as a 401k? It is very similar. If you have a 401k, that's also good. A Roth IRA is just a different form of that that you can also put money into. Is it the same as a 401k? It is very similar. If you have a 401k, that's also good. A Roth IRA is just a like different form of that, that you can also put money into. Got it. And you can't access that money unless you're like 62 and a half. You can, there's a penalty. So it's like, it's money that you want to be relatively certain that you're good putting away for a while. Got it. But it's very good to do it because most people don't, and then don't have money when they retire or just are unable to retire.

Right. Or they spent all their money and now they can't retire. Yeah. So I'm sorry my piece of advice is really boring, but it is important to do that. I think it's more helpful than mine. It's really perfect. Sorry it's not as exciting as grapes. I would say, I guess I would also say spend $5,000 a year on

grapes and don't put it in the rock. I think it really worked in tandem with grapes. You have two little nest eggs of sorts. One is filled with fruit. I'm happy we had you guys on at the same time. Did you say you had another one? Sure, I'll give one more. This is a little broader.

A little broader than investing broadly. When I was in college, I applied for a fellowship at The Onion. And at the time, this guy Joe Randazzo was the editor. And I, oh yeah. Can they hear that? They'll hear it, but faintly. It'll be like a nice warm bath for their ears as somebody drills away next door.

Yeah. Anyway, all that being said is one of the best pieces of advice I ever got early in my life was to work hard and don't expect too much. And my interpretation of that is just focus on doing really good work and don't worry too much about, if you do that, you'll be taken to the right place and don't focus on pipe dreams, I guess.

I think I would just, I would in tandem with that say, keep your eyes on your own paper because there's so much comparing to other people that happens especially in comedy and entertainment it's like they got that by this age and uh you'll get success at whatever age you should um you'll be you'll they'll let you know when you're ready and if you just keep focusing on who you want to be and what you want to say artistically that's the most important thing don't worry what other people are doing because there's a lot of people who are successful at 22 who then at 32 are not successful like you just have to go at your own pace and truly don't worry

about what other people are doing just keep focusing on getting yourself better at what you're doing yeah because jealousy is poison and yeah it's just not gonna and they have nothing to do with you it's just what you should be doing for yourself. Before these guys came in, you were like, fuck these guys. They have a show. We should have a show. Yeah, why does that Jake have a show and this Jake doesn't have a show? Is he funnier? Is he cooler?

Is he better? He must be. Otherwise, why would he be succeeding over my Jake? My, my, my. My Jake. I just realized I'm going to start showing up and doing the podcast with you. And I'm like, well, my name's Jake. You can't say I'm not the Jake.

It would definitely work. Were you guys as into that philosophy even before you had a show? Is it easier to say now that you do have a show? I think we talked about it a lot before. I think we were. It's obviously hard when you're starting out and you see the other people doing way better than you to not feel jealous but it's really poisonous to focus too much on that and really toxic for your own like mind and soul and uh i think also missy elliott

once tweeted this because and i i love missy and she said something like you know her music her music is so incredible but it is it was very different And she said something like, you know, her music is so incredible, but it was very different. And she said, sometimes if you have like a different way of seeing things or doing things, it takes longer for you to hit because people already see the world in a certain way. And so they will reject what's different. But then if you just wait a little longer, it works out. And it obviously worked out for her. And I think for me, I was never, there was not much on TV where I was like, oh my God, I wish I'd done that. I was always like, I want to make my own thing.

And sometimes if you don't see your own thing on TV, that's actually a blessing. Because that means if you have an original point of view, if you feel you do, eventually they're going to want that. And it may seem stressful that it's not there already, but really it's working in your favor. You just kind of have to have faith. So what's the origin story of Corporate? For those of you who don't know, it's a show on Comedy Central. It's like an incredibly dark comedy on Comedy Central. First season came out a year or two ago. A year ago, yeah. And then the second season is coming

out in January of this year. That's 2019. Like when did the ideas of Corporate start? How long did it take to go from? 2015. Yeah. Four years ago. Yeah yeah and it's one season that's right until 2019 and you better like the idea you come up with because it'll be your whole life yeah

that is what people don't understand don't just throw up any idea like you better love it because it is everything you talk about you don't talk

to your family anymore your relationships will suffer as a result of this idea you'll definitely get divorced so like definitely love the idea that you come up with.

And what's the origin of the idea? How did you sell it? Other than like Dilbert meets American Psycho. We were living together. We were roommates for a while. And sort of out of, I had, as I said, like a ton of nightmare office jobs. And wanted to just, we started talking about those those jobs and we wanted to sort of tackle or make an office comedy that was a little more representative of how you actually

feel at an office which is like you want to die and then trapped and then like it's a prison right like the office made living in scranton selling paper kind of like kind of cute it's like fun you have a family and oh, good news, you have a crush. Occasionally dull, but no one's killing themselves. Whereas I felt like I was trapped and in hell the whole time. And so we wanted to do like a really cinematic

kind of wild comedy set in an office. Yeah, I think we also just really love movies. And I think there's a lot of comedy that's sort of that's just regurgitating not necessarily in a bad way but just kind of doing the kind of comedy they saw before where I really just love movies growing up and I wanted to make movies that were funny right like instead of funny movies if that makes sense like just like really movies but that have a lot of jokes yeah and I mean, their episodes, they look like movies. Yeah.

Yeah. We care about that. We hired like a DP who's really French and, you know, we just wanted to make it look like, almost make it look like

the opposite of an office comedy because we just, that's sort of what I'm saying is we saw, like when you look at the landscape of like office comedies or comedies, there's a lot of like,

there's very flat lighting and it's fine it's really funny like parks and rec the office these are great shows but they look a certain way it's like well because that's out there they might actually be hungry for something completely different looking that's in the same world so it was like a good thing that those shows existed um we also just wanted to make a show where we could sort of talk about anything we have have pretty nihilistic views on America and capitalism. And, uh, turns out it's bad. Yeah. We wanted to be able to talk about that stuff.

It does definitely like, I completely align up with my values. So I find it like so funny and so dark and like the way you guys push the envelope is so like hilarious. Thank you very much. I saw the episode of, of um there's like a mass tragedy or mass shooting do you specify we purposely keep it uh so it's so we're it's it's a nameless tragedy so that way whatever happens the day before it airs it can still go up so there's a right there's a tragedy and there's a death toll that's going up throughout the episode

and it's about matt's uh facebook status post that gets stolen and hijacked and becomes viral without you getting credit for it. Yeah, it's about like people being self-interested in the face of something they should not be self-interested in. Yes, exactly right. Everyone rushes to post to social media and they do check how many likes it gets even though people are dying. And that's just what America is right now. Yeah. Love it. Again, January 15th? what America is right now. Yeah. Yeah. Love it. Again, January 15th?

January 15th, yes. Season two. Yeah. Co-starring Adam Lustick. The best. Another head-to-head podcaster. The most talented, funniest man ever. He's great in the show, too.

Because he always plays a happy-go-lucky guy. I know. And we make him so mean. And Lance Reddick from The Wire and Aparna Nancherla. That's right. And Udek, yeah. Lance Reddick from The Wire. That'sna Nancherla. That's right. And Udek, yeah. Lance Reddick from The Wire. That's so fucking cool.

Oh, he's so awesome. And he is the complete opposite of every character he's ever played. He's like the sweetest grandfather. I guess everybody on the show plays a depressed, dark person. And you guys are also very sweet. IRL. Yeah. Thank you.

Is the set like dark and sad just by accident? The irony of shooting the show is that we escaped our boring office jobs only to go make a show in the setting of a boring office job. And it feels bad. Yeah, you feel, you die while you're filming a little bit. Like when you guys break for lunch, it's still under the harsh fluorescent light. Truly, yeah. It's really bad. It's a really bad filming situation, but it makes it look good

so it's worth it. You shoot it practically, right? Like it's a real office. Yes, the old LA Times building, but media's dead. So the set is open. We toured that one time when we were looking for sets.

Yeah, it's a great looking place and it's really sad. That's where they filmed Bad Men, right? Yes. No, they filmed that in LA Center Studios. That's right.

My bad, yeah. I was going to say yes to whatever you asked. Yes. That's where they shot Simpsons,. That's right. My bad, yeah. I was going to say yes to whatever you asked. Yes. That's where they shot Simpsons, right? All right, can we answer another question before you guys have to get the hell out of here? Yeah.

This one is about another office party, but, you know, tis the season, work holiday party. Matt, back to you. Need a fake dude's, oh, fake lady's name. Linda. That's great. That's the perfect name. Linda. That's great. That's the perfect name. When you changed it from dude to lady,

I saw the panic in his eyes when he knew he couldn't say Ralph again. Ralph's cousin, Linda. I just started a new job at a really cool marketing agency. You like that? Really cool. It's not like the other marketing agencies.

How cool, yeah. There's only about 20 employees, and I kid you not, I am the only one without a significant other. So the holiday party is coming up, and everyone's bringing a date, and let me know that I can bring one too. Hire a prostitute. Good night, everybody. This is like wrong credits. Let's roll through all the questions that you're supposed to just hire a prostitute for. I'm looking to lose my virginity, but yeah, it works.

All right. How do I get a date for this thing? Linda writes, I could ask this dude from my kickball league, but I don't know him that well. And I'm just assuming he's into me because he likes to text me a lot of memes and gifs. But if I'm wrong and he actually just thinks of me as a friend, then it would be really awkward. Or should I seek out a date on Hinge or Bumble?

I don't want to show up solo to this gig and feel like I'm a total loser. Help. Thanks, Linda. I actually completely disagree with Linda. I think you should not bring a date to this. Especially if you're going to bring a first date to an office party,

that is in my mind a nightmare. Definitely not from Hinge, not from Bumble. For the love of God, don't do that yeah yeah i would say if anything bring like a just a friend well and also the kickball guy obviously likes you i mean there's no question about that so if you think he likes you and he's saying you memes that just means please have sex with me maybe it's just a guy on my kickball team that likes sending gifts yeah but i think also if it doesn't go that well, you kind of have to leave

the kickball team. Like, so I wouldn't necessarily do that unless you don't care and are dumb with kickball. I mean, you can invite him as a friend and then you guys

will probably end up getting drunk and having sex. Yeah, probably. Like, I think that'll happen. You could take me. I'm in a relationship. Oh, my God. But I would do it.

Like, I don't, I'll just, because I won't, I mean, I won't put out Linda. No. But what I'm in a relationship, but I would do it. Like, I don't, I'll just, because I won't, I mean, I won't put out Linda. No. But what I'm saying is I would do it for the bit. And I would be really weird. Like, it would be funny in a weird bit that I would do. That's cool.

Corporate's own Jake Wiseman. Yeah, I think it'd be funny. It'd be worth, it's like when Dwayne Wade goes to prom with some girl. Yeah. It's just the worst version of that ever. God damn, do I it's on Twitter. It's just the worst version of that ever. God damn, do I want this to happen. Yeah.

This episode's coming out soon, right? Hopefully before the Christmas party. The worst version of Dwayne Wade showing up to prom is Jake going

to a holiday party. It's like, oh, a show I haven't watched yet but was meaning to get to. Jake would say some inappropriate things. You would be in trouble

with your... I would just talk to your coworkers-workers about how the government is wrong. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Why don't you just go alone? I guarantee someone else will hit on you. Like, someone's gonna hit on you. Someone significant

other's gonna hit on you, for sure. Yeah, it'll be interesting and weird. And, like, if you don't get too drunk, I'm sure someone will make a mistake, and you can use that to get ahead in the company. Like, you know, it'll be fine. I think you could bring a friend. I like the idea of bringing a friend. a mistake and you can you can use that to get ahead in the company like you know it'll be fine i think you bring a friend i like i like the idea of bringing a friend either somebody that you can fuck or somebody that or or just like somebody that you are not sexually interested in that you want to get drunk with yeah because office parties are great for that yeah free booze um is there such a thing as a cool marketing agency you worked at a marketing agency

are there cool ones and bad ones are they all the same ones uh i think there are probably cool ones and bad ones i only worked for the bad ones so the cool one is anyone you didn't work marketing is strange because you're essentially all bright you work with other people to try to manipulate people that's like the whole job is like how can i manipulate other people so it feels dirty and fucked up. I think it just depends on the clients. I mean, because I feel like if you get to market for the NBA or you get to market for like a brand you like, the perks are crazy. Like, I mean, if you get to like market for Nike,

it's like you get to destroy kids' lives that live in other countries and you get to go to cool games. You know what I mean? And that's like an amazing sort of situation. And I think like, amazing sort of situation. And I think like, yeah, I think it just depends because marketing, yeah, it is brainwashing, but that's fun.

Yeah. As long as you're the one doing the free shit. When you're the one holding the little emblem on the chain, you're the hypnotist, maybe. But if you market for like Beats by Dre, it's like you get to meet a lot of cool people and you get to make a lot of people happy. And I think they probably, this episode is

sponsored by Beats by Dre. By the chandelier store you used to work at. Yeah. But I mean, it truly just depends what the perks are because you are like, you know, you're grifting people out of money. Well, there are like the small agencies that do like that kind of cool like guerrilla marketing

stuff. Yeah, that seems cool. Yeah. I like a good guerrilla marketer. Yeah. You don't even have to have a boss. Just get out there. Start marketing.

It's just frenzy. That's what marketing is. It's disruptive. Use this hashtag. That's so fucking guerrilla. All right. Sweet. That's it.

That's our time. Three questions. Well, damn. Great job, everybody. Anything else you wanted to promote or is corporate the big boy? Just corporate January 15th at 10.30 p.m. on Comedy Central. It comes after Drunk History, the premiere of that new season is at 10 p.m. But, yeah, I think you'll really love the new season.

No, no. Our show is at 10.30. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Drunk History is at 10. If you want to have an hour of being high and watching TV. And follow us on Instagram. Are you still doing that knife

in your Instagram thing? I actually stopped that. I have a new parody account I do with my friend Kate Tulean called Honest Couple, which if you want to check it out, is a parody account. You can check it out for yourself. And follow me at Matt Ingebrigtsen. I'm posting some really fun photos. There are a lot of shots of him too tall for airplane

bathrooms. Yeah, I'm going to check that out. That's solid. Alright, the opening theme song was written by Rob, of course. Yeah, I'm going to check that out. That's solid. All right. The opening theme song was written by Rob, of course. This closing one is Kendrick from New Orleans.

They can follow him at theotherkendrick on Instagram. And thanks for writing in. That's a good Instagram handle.

Theotherkendrick. Email address for all that stuff is if I were you show at gmail.com. Jake and Matt, thanks again.

Thank you. We'll be back next week. Bye. stuff is if I were you show at gmail.com Jake and Matt thanks again thank you we'll be back next week bye head head head head head

head head head I need some head head head head

head head head head head head head Yes, dude. That was a HeadGum Podcast.