Segments - 362: Christmas Eve

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Ho, ho, ho! Enjoy this special Xmas episode with the family as we discuss when Jesus was born, and whether babies can be born with tattoos.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. What the hell have I gotten into? I'm so scared that I'll never get advice That really works And maintain anonymity There's a podcast

with guys from college humor I guess I'll give it a listen and take my mind off of what's wrong seize the cheese yes do please there's all these sticky situations That they're solving We're getting advice from the Pigeon Shmuel

The Buffalo is in there bringing I wonder how Jake can be best friends with A cute little chip but with no sense of humor Now that I've slid through my head and my brain If I were you, I'd cast my echo. I'll eat energy, get a meal, no problem. Give me rad body sway after I need it. Fallout Boy, nice.

At the onset of the song, I believed it was Sum 41, but I was wrong. Sorry, we're not recording yet. Okay, sorry. So if you just press the button, I can remember what I said. I'll just be like... And intro ended. Fallout Boy. At the onset of the song... Hold on one second.

Figuring out. I need to get the levels right. All right, sorry. Test. Testing, testing, testing. All right. Talking here. Theme song just ended, and... Figuring out I need to get the levels right Alright Sorry Alright Test Testing Testing Testing Alright

Talking here Theme song to standard And You're on Oh alright Sorry now Actually Fall Out Boy

Hold on Hold on one second Ooh Fall Out Boy Nice At the onset of that song I thought it was a Blink-182 Or a fucking Sum 41 cover

But I don't know I guess I'm Kind of a moron like that Jake here What's that? What are you doing? I was just saying that I thought't know. I guess I'm kind of a moron like that. Jake here. What's that? What are you doing? I was just saying that I thought that was a Fall House boy. Fall House boy?

Fall House boy cover. You stole my joke, said it as yourself, and then claimed to be me and you did a worse job of me. I guess it wasn't even a joke. Yeah. That's almost why it's weird that you stole it. What you did was steal something of no value to me, like a joke. Yeah. That's almost why it's weird that you stole it. What you did was steal something of no value to me, like a sponge. Also, I think you made it be say it extra time so you could

learn it. This is the guy who wrote last week's theme song, which is the Blink-182 cover. This guy did a Fallout Boy cover for us. It's Rob August. We forgot to shout out his Instagram last week, so we're going to do it right now. Rob underscore August. Tell Jake I said hi. I played his evil twin in a project a couple years ago. As you can see from my Insta. What do you think that means? He played your evil twin in a project.

I am not sure. What's his Instagram? I'll look at it. Rob underscore August. But he said a couple years ago. So I'll have to like scroll. Yeah. Did you ever shoot something where you had an evil

twin um probably oh that's cool like you don't even fucking remember oh jesus i wrote underscore i wrote rob underscore underscore like i did an underscore and then i wrote underscore is that just because your brain is sort of scattered right now? I think so. I think it's because I'm scattered and I'm stupid. We're recording this before the holidays, but this is coming out December 24th. It's a goddamn Christmas Eve episode of our show. This guy is tatted and jacked. Really? I did find it.

Oh. I am in the photo. Oh. I have absolutely no recollection of this day let me see i have a theory yeah of of when it was uh-huh i think i know when it was this was when what's the date on the photo july 30th 2014 wow nearly five years ago yeah let's see it and this is you in the photo with this guy, and he's playing your evil twin.

Yeah. Where is that? So I think, I'll tell you where it is. I think you're going to get it. It was at Siren Studios. Why are you wearing a weird shirt? I believe you were in the next room. Oh, is this the video game thing we did we like hosted a video game

marathon yeah we were doing weird challenges for like skype yeah i forget what that was for it was with bobby lee right bobby lee was the host it was like you and i playing video games for the idea was like we want to have jake and me or play like legit 48 hours of video games for... The idea was we want to have Jake and me play legit 48 hours of video games. Straight. Legit 24 hours. And they asked us to do it. And we're like,

obviously not. We're not going to do that. Do it for 48 hours straight. Yeah, so they did a... They faked it, I guess, right? They must have. And then... They were like...

But we did have to do two 12-hour days of it or something. Yeah, and they kept throwing challenges at us that we didn't really want to do, but it was being live streamed. So like at one point we were planking with like a little person on our back. Is that true? Yes. They were like, who can do a plank longer with a little person on their back? It was insane. It was a shit show. That was, that is so awful. The fact that we did it. Well, we didn't know that was the challenge. It was like, we're

going to throw challenges at you. Right. And then it was like, as we were there, okay, now you guys have to do, there was one that was just like an eating contest. They're like, alright, which one of you guys can eat more spaghetti? And I was like, I'm not going to eat any spaghetti. So Amir is going to eat more. And then like we also played video games that we didn't know how to play against each other.

That's right. So it was like gamers watching us not knowing how to play video games, sometimes doing a plank, sometimes not eating spaghetti, and sometimes playing a game that we don't know how to play against each other. Yeah. And that was to inspire some sort of awareness for... It was to make cash and to have money is what it was for.

I don't even remember the product. It was a voice recognition video game thing where it was like, it wasn't Alexa, but it was like, Alexa, play this game. And it would play. I thought it was like a Skype thing with integration with video games. Right, but then it was so early on in that development

that like we would say it and it wouldn't work, but it was live stream. So it'd be like, play a game. And it was like, do not that development that we would say it and it wouldn't work, but it was live streamed, so it'd be like, play game, and it was like, do not know what that is. And they're like, hold on, and then a marketing person would walk in and sat next to me. Super stressed out. Shit, shit. Did you press the button on the remote control? It's all being

live streamed. Yeah, exactly. Meanwhile, you're not eating pasta, and that's supposed to be good for the product. So this guy played My Evil Twin, which I guess I sort of remember now i don't know i can't remember if i i don't know if i remembered if it's like now that you you saw the photo right the photo is a memory yeah but it's not actually a memory that you had uh you think that that video exists anywhere the live stream do you think a human can see it if they wanted to? Do you think they posted it somewhere to a website that's accidentally still online?

I would hope not. But yeah, it probably is online somewhere. I bet it's on YouTube somewhere. That's awesome, man. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Where are you right now if it's Christmas Eve?

Where are you doing that? I am in Connecticut. Uh-huh. In Connecticut at my Aunt Susie's house. Going ham on a ham. She usually, we sometimes do, yeah, she makes some food. We have some pizza. Pizza?

Sometimes there's pizza. Sometimes there's like other food that people food. We have some pizza. Pizza? Sometimes there's pizza. Sometimes there's like other food that people make. My mom makes cookies. We sing Christmas carols. Oh, really? Legit. It is Christmas Eve. We do presents.

We do Christmas carols. We read the night before Christmas. Oh, you read a Christmas book. Yeah. We go hard on Christmas on the crick side of the family. Does it feel like Thanksgiving or does it feel even more Thanksgiving-y than Thanksgiving? Is it more of a holiday than Thanksgiving? It's more of a holiday than Thanksgiving.

I think Thanksgiving is like an excuse to see everybody. And then there's like, oh, and look, there's turkey and it's fall. And there's like a couple of things. But Christmas is like about Christmas. There's a tree. There's Santa. There's gifts. There's like wreaths, garlands, lights.

Is there a ham? I want to know if someone's taking a ham out of the oven. We don't do a Christmas ham. And then next day, are you eating ham? No, I mean, Christmas Day for our family is like we do Secret Santa in the morning, and then the rest of the day we're just hanging. There's not really

any Christmas traditions. Got it. It's like after we open the presents, we become Jewish again. Oh, like that was it. It wears off. The spell is gone. The curse has been lifted. Yeah. And it's just hating each other until Passover.

Our favorite holiday. Where we do eat a ham on matzah. I love Christmas Eve. I think it's really nice. Would you say it's your favorite holiday? Christmas is definitely my favorite holiday. What's your Christmas Eve like? You don't even fucking realize that it's the 24th of December. It might as well be the 21st. You're at

a movie, maybe. You're at home watching a Laker game. You're doing nothing. There's a football game on or there isn't. So you don't see the family. The family? Yeah. No, I have no family. Between the 21st of December and I want to say like the 30th of May, I won't communicate one word with my brothers or my mother or my father. Yeah. So you're a bad guy year round. No, I'm a sour man from December to May. When the sun comes out again and temperatures reach 80 degrees, I'm able to have fun again with my family as a tanned little friendly constructive son. Constructive.

I'm giving criticism. Yeah. If you describe yourself as a son, as constructive, you're a bad guy. I'm a good son. You're a sad man. I'm a good son. You're a sad man. I'm a constructive son. You're a small-minded, petty little... Everybody gets away with shit while Amir's hibernating.

That's what I call it, hibernating, because I don't see them... You're probably a tweenage dweeb, I would say. A tweenage dirt dweeb, baby. All right, let's try to answer some questions. People still need our guidance, even though it's Christmas. Especially because it's Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. Ho, ho, ho-kay.

Let's start with this guy who we'll call Christopher J. Kringle. Oh, Santa. So here it is. I work in a busy emergency department, and recently one of the nurses I have worked with for years has left. I had a thing for her, but we didn get so flirty and because she had a boyfriend i dare uh the day she left she kissed my lips and said she had a thing for me for so long okay we speak daily over text since this was about five weeks ago i literally adore her and

would jump at the chance to have a future with her but on the other hand i would never break up a couple as i know how much it would hurt him my head and my heart are constantly battling over this issue what should i do thanks love chris kringle that's not very santa like he wants to break up a relationship but that's i think it's actually he doesn't want to and that that's the problem. Right. It's one thing to not needle, and it's another thing to, like, completely abstain when somebody in a relationship is, like, kissing you and saying that they like you. Yeah, you didn't needle. Yeah. It's on her.

And maybe this relationship and guy are bad. Most likely they are. They are, if that's what's happening. Yeah. But I think you still, you can't, like, you don't want to enter a relationship this way. I feel like you can wait and the relationship will die. I mean, if a girl is kissing somebody else and said, I had the hots for you, and then you've been texting daily ever since. It seems like the writing's on the wall. Yeah, but I think that you can do your part to break them up and be a good guy by saying,

I want to do this the right way. I want to date you with honor. With valor. Yeah. Hoorah! That's right. With valor. Always behave with valor, with honor.

Hold yourself in the highest regard. Sing! Sing! Sing! That's the sword that he has. Yeah, you say, let's do this right. When you're single, I would love to take you out on a proper date. Oh, that's good.

You say when you're single, because then it puts the timeline on that person to hurry their shit up. So you're saying he doesn't necessarily have a green light to go ahead, but he does have a yellow light to proceed with caution. Yellow light actually means to stop. Yield. Yeah. He has to yield with caution.

I think there's a yield sign. There's a merge sign. Yes, he has to merge. You wait until the traffic clears, and then you can merge. You can merge, and her name is Marge. Merge with Marge. And yield accordingly. I can only imagine this relationship that she's in.

It has an expiration date. You're still texting with her, which means the fire, the flicker, the flame is still going. Yeah. The more you text, the better your chances, or do you want to starve her a little? I'm not even talking about chances anymore, because I think the chances, it's 100%. It's good to go. It's going to happen. Yeah.

The light is green. Or yellow. Or yellow. It's not yellow. You have to slow down and proceed with caution. Yellow light means to stop. You're supposed to stop. You're not supposed to proceed with caution.

If you see the yellow light, that means stop because the light's turning red. What if you're at the intersection and it's too late? Would you then proceed with caution? I would have to proceed. I'd have to proceed with caution. I'd have to slam on my brakes and end in the intersection. You're at the intersection, the light's red.

Yeah, you, you, is there a turn on red? I'll do a Tokyo drift, e-brake, steering wheel all the way to the left. Roll the car. Yeah, roll tide. Under a truck, you're now facing againstide. Under a truck. You're now facing against traffic. Under a truck. How's that for luck?

And you're ready to be with your soulmate. And this sounds like a way parents meet. It's like, yeah, my mom was dating somebody else, and my dad just kept chipping away and texting, and then she kissed him, and then it was over for them. You hope so. All I'm saying is that it's possible. It's probable. It's likely, and then it was over for them. You hope so. All I'm saying is that it's possible. It's probable.

It's likely, and it's going to happen. So congratulations. Grad. All right, here's another question from a lady. Ooh la la. Who's a lady in the Christmas universe? Mrs. Claus. Miss Claus writes.

Mrs. Claus, not Miss. She's married to Santa, fucker. I thought it was his sister. No, it's not his sister. They're a bunch of old perverts that live together. They have the same last name. Incestuous relationship. Of course they have the same last name because she took his last name when they got married.

That's not very feminist. What was her maiden name? It happened a long time ago before it was normal for people to keep their independence. What was Mrs. Claus' married name? Or sorry, maiden name. Her maiden name? That's a good question.

Green. You think she's Jewish? I think so. I don't think she moves to the North Pole for a Christian man with Christian values. If Jesus was Jewish, then you better believe Mrs. Claus was raised Episcopalian slash Jew mix. You know she ate a lot because she's a youth. She's interfaith. Absolutely interfaith. My name is Miss Claus. I'm a 19 year old. Mrs. Why? You think she's married? I think she's a sister. I'm a 19 year old female from Sweden and I'm in a bit of a sticky situation evolving,

revolving my relationship. My boyfriend who's 21 and I have been a bit of a sticky situation evolving, revolving my relationship. My boyfriend who's 21 and I have been dating for about a year and lately we've had this problem that I can't seem to solve. The problem is that I pretty much always know and I want lots of tattoos all over my body, something he only recently found out about. Now he absolutely hates the thought of me being quote covered in ink. He says it's the worst fear of his and that he doesn't know whether he'll still have feelings for me or not. However, he always tells me that I should do what I want with my body and that it's fine, but he just cannot let this go. He thinks I'm ruining my body by, quote, covering it up with tattoos.

He also says that he wishes I could change my mind about tattoos, which I know I won't. I already have three small tattoos, that he loves by the way, and I'm planning to get more as soon as I don't want to refrain from, sorry, I'm planning to get more as I don't want to refrain from getting them just because of what he thinks. I need your help because I have no clue what to do. I feel like our relationship has an expiration date, the day I have quote too many tattoos. But neither of us want to break up with the other. Is it worth staying with him? Do you think he'll change

his mind? I don't want to choose between him or my tattoos. Can't I have both? It's worth noting that he also has a tattoo and wants more. Please help. Love, Kringle. What a weird curveball. Yeah. This guy likes some tattoos,

just not a grip ton. Yeah, well, I, too bad for him, I guess? Good. You don't have to get them on your body. That's fine. But do you think there's a relationship as an expiration date, the day she gets too many tattoo, tattoos?

Today's my tattoo. Maybe, I mean, maybe, but I just think that that is on the dude. You should do what you want with your body. Just as he says to you. But what if she doesn't want to get it because she's afraid that he will break up with her? Fuck him, dude. You should get it because you want it.

And then at a certain point, if you're completely covered in ink. And he breaks up with you, then fine. You know, maybe you can't have both things. So maybe you do have to choose. I don't think that you have to choose right now because you're not covered with tattoos. Yeah. And he just dislikes the idea.

We have to do what you want and then see if he doesn't like the reality. It's like if your lover wanted to get a bunch of face tattoos and you'd be like, I don't want you to do that. I don't know. Would you stay with someone who had like a black face tattoo? I mean, definitely not a black face tattoo. I wouldn't be dating somebody in the first place that would do that.

What if she wanted to just get tic-tac-toe games all over her face and skull after shaving her head? I mean, I can't tell her not to. Exactly. All you can do is set up the, set up your, kind of like your, your line. So, if you get a tattoo

of a tic-tac-toe game on your forehead, I would have to break up with you. I won't stop you from doing that, but if you, I'm not going to be

the X's or the O's. I'm not playing the game. You'll be my X. You get the board. You are my X. And oh, baby, will it be sad. Alright, how about this? You actually draw a line.

Down the middle of your body. Tattoos on the right. Clean body on the left. Tattoo. Tattoo. You get a tattoo? How's that for drawing the line? Are you guys bad? Because that's the worst of everything.

Because it's like asymmetrical. Half your body is basically covering your body with tattoos. Might as well, yeah. So it's like a still weird thing that you did. Like why not just cover your whole body in tattoos? Yeah. And like a line down the back. People definitely do that.

And then what is the line? Like also a tattoo? Yeah, the line would have to be a tattoo. that count? It would have to be a tattoo. Yeah. So it'd have to be kind of on the tattoo side. Tattoo. Tattoo. Sweet A's.

Mate. So do what you want. But is it okay if what she wants is not to get tattoos because she doesn't want to lose this man? Yeah. Then like that's still a choice that you make. That's right. And it's okay to choose him, your lover, over you, your body. What if you end up being married and have a whole family? Then you'll value that over having tattoos

anyway. Maybe, but then you could also have love, a love life, and a marriage, and a whole family with somebody who loves you and your love for tattoos and your tattoos that are covering your body. These are all the things that you have to consider when you decide if you want to have tattoos. This is going to be a stupid question. But the choice is yours. You don't get to choose. That's right. It's ultimately your decision to make. This is going to sound dumb. But, okay, and I'm going out on a limb

and I know you're going to think this is a dumb question, obviously, right? It's going to be stupid. I'm lowering your expectation, putting the bar all the way down to the ground. You're often foolish and bad. This is going to be a. Right. So just, I'm lowering your expectation, putting the bar all the way down to the ground. You're often foolish and bad. This is going to be a really stupid question.

In a silly way. If you have tattoos and you then give birth to a baby, the baby, and I almost don't even want to ask this question because it's so stupid.

I feel like I can get there. You're asking if the baby is born with tattoos. No, no, no. Yeah. Yes. No or yeah? I was going to say You're asking if the baby's born with tattoos. No, no, no. Yeah. Yes. No or yeah? I was going to say.

Are you asking if somebody has a tattoo? When you ask, it's so obviously the answer. And I want to know what it is. But I feel like I already know it. But just for people I don't know. Do you feel like you already know it? Yes. If you feel like you already know it.

And you were definitely apprehensive about asking the question because. I'm not afraid to ask a question because I know there are no bad questions. You're tiptoeing around it. And you didn't ask it. And you're like also making a real meal of it. So I want you, I want to like. I'm just worried if somebody's at home listening and they don't know the answer. I'm not afraid to be that martyr for them to not know.

So I'd like to just like address the elephant in the room here. Yeah. That is a stupid question. Yes. That's a really dumb question. Correct. And I said so. I said as such.

So your words mean shit to me. Well, it sounds like you're going to. I'm not getting mad at that because I actually came ahead of it. I came ahead of the curve to make you look like a fucking moron. What's the answer? You're cursing it. It's yes. Oh, man.

It's yes. Oh, jeez. What? So you know it's a stupid question you know it's it's stupid because of how dumb it is because they're obvious the answer is is why it's so stupid correct because there's an obvious answer correct and the answer is yeah sorry the Yes, they don't have tattoos, is what I meant to say. That's not what you meant to say. Tell me what the fuck the answer is. They don't come out with tattoos. Right, that's what I was saying. A tattoo is a drawing on your skin with ink.

Yeah, it's not like a genetic fucking... Can you imagine thinking like... You did. Can I imagine you did think that? If I have a scar on my hand, the kid's not going to have one, right? Right? I don't know. I don't know, bud. Why don't you tell me? Because scar is different, right?

Like if I have red hair, I might have a redheaded kid. Yeah, that's genetics. Right. And scars, are they genetic? Are you born with a scar? That's what I'm saying. Or do you get a scar? This is what I think is pretty interesting about it. It's not interesting.

It's another stupid question. All right. And you're a stupid man. All right, all right. Tis the season, tis the season. I'm guilty. You caught me. You crucified me.

It is Jesus' birthday today, we should say real quick. So happy birthday to the big one in the sky. Hey, man, how old are you now? We really appreciate Jesus. How old are you now? Now. It is Jesus's birthday today. We should say it real quick. So happy birthday to the big one in the sky. Hey man, how old are you now? We really appreciate Jesus. How old are you now? How old are you, Jesus? How old are you now? So, yeah, like AD, right?

Like there's before Christ and after death, right? Yep. Or before, now they say BC, before current era and after current era, but it's all about like when Jesus came. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, year is 2018. Correct.

And that is, that's basically 2018 years after Jesus walked the earth. But is it 2018 years after he died or 2018 years after he was born? Yeah. Because he died at 33. So, it was Jesus living in like 33, but it wasn't 33 AD or it couldn't have been like 30 AD because it's after death. And I seem to recall that like, well, it's not after death. It's like some Latin word that might mean after death. But I also remember seeing like Jesus was actually born at 4 AD or something weird like that. Interesting. We'll look it up during the break.

We'll come back and we'll educate all you idiots out there that actually don't know the answer to this pretty obvious riddle, which is when babies were born with tattoos. All right, we'll be back after this. My question's smart, fucker. Thanks for the sponsors. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring

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Yeah, you do. And we're back. Our unsolicited advice is the slight bit of research we did during the break. All right, here we go. Ready? B.C. stands for before Christ. But A.D. is a Latin phrase, Anno Domini, which means in the year of our Lord, the year Jesus was born. That being said, he was actually born between 6 and 4 BC,

and Jesus began preaching around AD 27 to 29. Was there a year zero? No, there was not. Whether applied to the Julian or Gregorian calendars, AD 1 is preceded by 1 BC. There is no year zero. Got it? Not really. Not really at all.

But I don't think this stuff existed when it was going on. So nobody was like, oh, when were you born? BC 2. Oh, so you must be 4 because it's AD 2 now. This was all like thousands of years later and they

reverse engineered the calendar at what point yeah at what point did they were they like okay guys a few years ago it was actually year one uh straight up i'm telling you i know we think it's uh whatever so 49 50 in the gregorian calendar but I'm going to go, I'm going to flip the script and say it's, yeah, we're in, we're in 28. So this says, according to the internet, which I absolutely agree is gospel fact, the original goal of the Gregorian calendar was to change the date of Easter in 1582. Europe adhered to the Julian calendar first implemented by Julius Caesar in 46 BC. So that's really confusing because if there was already a calendar in 46 BC, were they counting down to Jesus' arrival? Yeah, they were counting down.

That's fucking bizarre. There's absolutely no clarity, just more stupidity. I understand less than I did before. But you know what? This is kind of nice. Sometimes you find the answer and sometimes you find so much information that you just like...

You back out of the room. Yeah, you bail. You walk into a room, you see a lot of confusing shit. You're like, nevermind. So I actually don't care anymore. That's... Sometimes you know the answer

and sometimes you stop giving a shit. How is that for being a good student? Actually, the joke's on you, teacher. I don't have to understand algebra. I actually just have to stop caring. Yeah, I wash my hands of this. And I think I'll be fine regardless of how I do on this exam, is it? Meanwhile, after this podcast, you're going to read for about an hour about the Gregorian calendar.

I want to know about time. This seems like something Streeter would know about. That's true. We should have him on the show and just discuss calendars and or- We could just cold call him. That would be awesome. Hey, Streeter, I know you're busy at SNL, but- And raising a brand new baby. What's the deal with the fucking calendar? Actually, I do know that July and August were added later. That's why September, which should be 7, is the 9th month. October, which should be 8, is the 10th month. And then November should be 9, and it's the 11th. So all the months are two months off because Julius and Augustus Caesar just wedged their months in between and made July and August.

Wow. That's an understandable time fact. Why did they do that? Because it's cool to have a month. You know what's cool? It's not cool to have a name or an empire. How about a fucking month? Yeah, but what? Your birthday is my name. It just seems like he could have been like, there's no more November. It is now August. Yeah, instead he just wedged it in. It's like, all right, we're making a brand new month. I'm

not stepping on anyone's toes here. How rich would you have to be to rename a month at this point? Just like a branded month. I was born on a mirror. The fucking first. That's kind of cool. First of a mirror. That's cool. So my months actually exist from the 15th through the 15th.

So January 15th, February 15th is a mirror. So my birthday, technically, this whole thing's so fucking dumb, but is air three. Like, what is that? Anyway, I think this bumble date's going fine.

And you haven't touched your entree. Just fingering her beef wellington. I'm two knuckles deep in the soft meat. Are you gonna eat this pea? We're going Dutch, by the way. What's gravy made of?

Oh, shit. I'm sorry about that. I spilled my rosé. No way, rosé. We should also remind people about our Patreon. We're still making videos Jake and Amir watch videos

plus a bonus version of If I Were You every Thursday on patreon.com slash JA inching incredibly close to releasing my speech

at your wedding yeah if you can't get enough of us the Patreon content is a good gift what about a last minute

gift idea because it's like Christmas. Like, shit, I haven't gotten this person anything. That's cool. I signed up for the Patreon for you. That's a gift that you might have for someone that you might have completely forgotten about until now. I also think we're rolling out the second iteration of Jake and Amir Watch Jake and Amir's, which we filmed after we got feedback. So the cameras are better.

The chairs are different. We are pausing more. That's right. Everything that you wanted is here. So if you haven't subscribed, you get to go in and watch the new and improved based on the first draft of notes. Enjoy the videos.

All right, let's answer some more questions. Here's a question from Hanukkah Harry. Very good. But Hanukkah's already over, okay? So we're going all Christmas, all the time. This question's from Rudolph. And you can fucking fight me if you want it to be from any other Jew in your life. Blitzen's actually a quarter Jewish.

No, he's fucking not. Not too shabby. Blitzen's a Seventh Day Adventist. What's up, Jake and Amir? I'm a long-time listener, first-time writer, 18-year-old college student from Cincinnati with some big ol' butterflies in my stomach. I'm dating a 19-year-old

neighbor-slash-coworker, and we've been together for about four months now. I've known her since I was 13. She's my best friend, and she's all I ever wanted. Things are going great, but yes, there's always a but. We are going away for the weekend to a remote cabin and having our own little Christmas. She wants to have a ton of sex and even wants to make me breakfast in nothing but her underwear. I'm super excited, but I'm nervous.

We are spending the whole weekend together by ourselves. I'm afraid things won't be the same after our trip. Is it too soon for us to spend the weekend just the two of us? spending the whole weekend together by ourselves. I'm afraid things won't be the same after our trip. Is it too soon for us to spend the weekend, just the two of us? How long would you guys wait until you spent the weekend with your significant other? How should I act? Is there any advice for my two favorite Jews that you can bestow upon me? Thank you.

P.S. Hardwin does not need minor illusion. That's what's up, bro. What's minor illusion? Nothing. You wouldn't get it. The D&D podcast a few weeks ago came down to a literal dick measuring contest. And?

So, I think we were trying to convince a bunch of dwarves to trust us or something. And I was in an an argument this with this dwarf, uh, and we like, we're each going to whip out our dicks and Murph had us like roll to see who

had a bigger dick. Um, and, and I rolled the, the D 20, but like before I even did that Caldwell's character casted minor illusion to make my dick look big. Um, and I, But I rolled really well.

So you didn't need the Minor Illusion. I didn't need it. But because it happened, I feel like, yeah. It was, it really, it undercut, you know? Yeah. It's like, you don't have to lie. Like, no, no, don't cast any spells. I'm showing him my real hog.

One. Wait. Anyway, this guy doesn't seem like... I had luck points. I would have used one. Anyway, this guy is a sweet, sweet little moron. He's an 18-year-old. You fucking idiot.

He doesn't have anything to worry about, but he's nervous nonetheless. You're about to have the best weekend of your fucking life. A remote cabin over Christmas where you have a ton of sex and somebody cooks for you in their underwear. Just go, just try to fucking enjoy it, okay? Not everything has to have a butt. Not everything has to be bad in some way. This sounds good, but how could it be negative to me? Four dead today in a cabin fire outside of Cincinnati, Ohio. Just be happy. Go fuck the

weekend away. It does remind me of like when you're 18 years old, you just have no like, you have no perspective on like the parameters of what's normal, what's weird, what's uncomfortable, what's fine. So like at 18 years old, being nervous about taking the first trip, is it too early and all this stuff, but odds are nothing bad will happen to you. Nothing bad will happen when somebody cooks for you in their undies slash sexes you a lot. Yeah. It's too early to take a trip when you feel like it's, you're not ready for the trip, but like you are really excited. You like this person a lot. You want to go on the trip. You don't need to be like, but what's the, what's like the norm? Should we have be together for two months before we take

a trip? Just go when you want. Yeah. Do you remember your first trip with your first woman? um yeah i guess my first like solo trip where i went away with somebody um yeah i do which was when how old were you i believe i was i think I was 20 years old and we went to Cape May, New Jersey for like the weekend. And it was the worst weekend of my fucking life. Run, run, get out now while you still can. Was it a roughly the four month mark? No, I think, I guess, I guess technically I like visited this person at college and like she had visited me in New York. So it's sort of like mini trips. Yeah.

Like when you visit someone at their college and then take a trip within that trip. Yeah. So I guess we had done that. That's probably like my first trip was like visiting people at college. But I don't think that really counts. That's definitely not the same vibe as what this is. Yeah. This is a three-day date.

Yeah, which is why I think the trip trip, I think my first one was Cape May. Yeah. What about you? I did, like, a same, like, trip from college because my first girlfriend didn't go to my school, so I would, like, drive to visit her, and then we would drive somewhere else because she was in a dorm.

Yeah. Where did you drive? Motel 6 outside of Oxnard, California. We spent three sorrowful weeks failing out of school with one another. Three sorrowful weeks. Yeah, we'd go to, like, Solvang or Palm Springs. Like, the beginning of week two where you're full of sorrow. Sorrow, yeah.

You want to just call it. It's just like the kind of the cottage cheese ceilings, you know, that used to pop your balloons as a kid. Oh, yeah. So it's like that. I think they call it popcorn ceilings. Yeah, popcorn ceiling on the roof of a dingy motel. I could see why there was a lot of sorrow. And that's all we ate too was cottaged cheese.

I wanted, yeah, congratulations, bud. You got a good thing going. Enjoy it. You're doing great. All right, one last question. Yeah. This one comes from another lady in the Christmas universe that we'll call Rudolph in a wig. That's right.

Rudolph, a female reindeer. Some of the reindeers have to be female. Is that true? Donner? Let's say, or Dancer or Prancer. Actually, reindeer, it's a male deer. Really? Yeah, and bucks are the female.

That's not true. Bucks are definitely the male. Again, we're stupid in this episode. I don't know if there can be a male and female reindeer, but we'll call her Donner. Okay. Long time listener, first time Donner. Here's the deal. I just found out that my ex that I hate so much because he dumped me not once, but twice.

The first time a communal table at a coffee shop and the second time two days after meeting my dad, which he asked to do. I know I'm an idiot for having gotten back together with him, but that's not the issue. The problem is that I just found out that he gave me HPV. It's not one of the serious cancer causing strains and it will go away within a year on its own. But I'm still mad that he gave it to me. I hate him a lot and I never want to talk to him again. So I have to do I have to reach out to him and let him know about the status of his dirty dick? Much love. P.S. we dated for six months and I haven't spoken since the breakup with me. And I, I called him

something to the effect of a waste of time and space. So it ended in a nasty way. And now she has a disease and she's like, do I have to let him know he's got the disease i don't think i know enough about hpv to give advice up on it well if she says it's a non-serious cancer causing strain and we'll take that at face value do you have to let your ex know about his dirty dick yeah i just do you owe it to that boy yeah i i guess i always thought that hpv was like something that guys can just be carriers for and like not necessarily catch. I've heard that too. So like it doesn't – I just don't know if it means that he has a dirty dick.

But it can also mean that he can give it to somebody else. Right. So do you still tell him? I guess if you dislike him, it will probably make him pretty sad. So go for it. Oh, you can say, by the way, you gave me HPV, you dirty dicked asshole. Just letting you know you gave me HPV. So you do it in a polite way.

I just wanted to give you that heads up. Hope your Christmas is great. That's cool. But do you say it in like a salty way or is it like just the message itself? No, because the information is salty enough. So you can almost be polite about it. Yeah. By the way, hope you're doing well.

You gave me HPV. Enjoy the holidays. Right. I don't think you have to be like polite. Donner out. I think you just be like dry with it. Like this is information that I think you should have. BT dubs. Yeah.

BT dubs is too casual. BT dubs is almost like a little too like I'm being flippant about it on purpose. Yeah. But I don't know if you want to do like the hey, hope you're well. Like hey, just wanted to let you know you gave me HPV. FYI.

As a heads up. Is FYI too cash? Yeah, FYI is like as a heads up for as you start dating in the future. Or like, yeah, yeah. He did cheat on her. Oh. Oh, no, yeah. He did cheat on her. Oh. Oh, no, sorry. He dumped her not once, but twice.

Once at a coffee shop and once two days after meeting the dad. I don't know about the cheating. He just dumped her twice. Dumping twice is, I mean, I'm not 100% sure this guy's so much of an asshole. That you deserve to be mean about the HPV. Dumping at a coffee shop sounds fine. That's like almost where you should do it. You're supposed to meet it like neutral ground does a man deserve to know that he gave a woman hbv is it nice to say

is it mean to say is it nice to keep it necessary to say like because he can take uh precautionary steps to not do it to anybody else it's that information going forward it's going to affect his next lovers and it'll make him a little sad so there's that bonus for you. But I think I've changed my answer to tell him politely. Yeah. Because I don't I think him breaking up with you twice isn't great but

neither is going back out with him. It's really being nice to his next partner. So you want to be nice to a stranger. It's considered a good deed to tell him because now it's on him to say the next to the person. And ain't that in the Christmas spirit. Tis the season, everyone.

Alright, that's it. We're out of time. Thanks for listening. Enjoy the holidays, I guess. Have fun with your families this week, and we'll be back next week. Oh my god, next week's episode will be a New Year's Eve episode. Whoa. Have we ever straddled the holidays this way? Why is it?

Why are all these holidays so back to back? Like we spend all year and there's like a few holidays and it's like Thanksgiving, New Year's, Christmas, all within five weeks of each other. And Hanukkah. And Hanukkah. And don't forget about Hanukkah. And Kwanzaa. Yeah.

I'm saying like Thanksgiving should be in July. Christmas can be in December. Then another big one in. And Kwanzaa. Yeah. I'm saying, like, Thanksgiving should be in July. Christmas can be in December. Is that another big one in April? They're all arbitrary. Yeah. Time is just a construct. Personally, I was born on a mere of the third. So, like, I feel like I have a pretty good leg up on the Gregorian or Blumenfeldian calendar at this point.

And I don't think she wants dessert, but I'll have a peek at the menu. What do you have that's gluten and dairy free? Opening theme song again was written by Rob, your evil twin. This closing one is written by Nick Wheeler. Thanks to everybody that's written in over the holiday season and before. The email

address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if I were you Kill myself in a Starbucks No condom, that's no fucks Patreon, that's startup Got a six that's bigger than hard one Buy my mama's cookies Buy my mama cookies I'm still looking like a backpack

You girl in my class, she looking hot What advice you got? Fuck, I gotta follow now I'm trying to choose some fucking fuckers Coach Blumenfeld, hold it down If I were you If I were you That's awesome

That's what I would do If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, bitch.