Segments - 363: New Years Eve

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

In this episode we discuss our cars, our holidays, and our New Years resolutions. Happy 2019, everybody!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only Okay If I were a Jew If I were a Jew If I were a Jew If I were a Jew

Is the name of this show that you're listening to If I were a Jew Pardon us Pardon us just what I should do Advice from two fools Yeah, I just don't know if I should trust these lying Jews But they've helped me before and I need help some more I need to know what to do I need to know what to do. I need to know what to do.

Oh, if I were a Jew show. Yeah. Whoa. If I were a Jew show. Very nice. It's funny. He said his name is Martin, but then he said, my name is Martin. I'm not anti-Semitic.

I just like the show. Shout out to the helmet boy, the little fucker. So shout out to the helmet boy, I guess. He sounded kind of like a Scandinavian Mumford and Son, don't you think? Yeah, I think he was trying to do like Queen, like Freddie Mercury, I want to break free, style, if I were you, style, if I were a Jew. Style. a you style if i were a jew style so it was like a parody of a satire of an anti-semitic rant and i loved the hell out of it yeah how was where i should say we're recording this basically in

real time we are it's sunday december 30th we're just going to record and upload this shit asap new year's eve tomorrow new year's eve eve adam Eve. The penultimate new year. I haven't seen you since you drove across the country then went up state went to Connecticut basically two weeks of constant moving. Yeah. Was it insane? Was it fun? Was it easy? Was there any funny story that happened? Were you mugged? Were you robbed? Did you run out of gas in a funny way? It was pretty insane, I would say. I guess like immediately, the first 20 minutes into our road trip, it became very clear that the suspension in my car was dangerously bad. You never want to find something out one step into a marathon yeah so and i i like got my car tuned up uh i it was there was a problem with the starter um there was

the brakes were real worn i got it like a full tune-up and i went to the mechanic and i was like i'm just this is what I was picking up and I'm like I'm just trying to get it to drive across the country he's like you're doing what I'm just trying to get it to do the hardest thing a car can do just get me to the point where I can do the hardest thing

that the car can do he's like you're driving it how far and I was like about 3000 miles and he literally said, oh, shit. Oh, shit, that's really far. Oh, shit, 300 miles. No, no, no, 3,000 miles. Oh, no. And I told him, he was like, I did not tell this to Jill, but I was like, what are the odds? What are the chances I can get across the country? And he was like, 50-50. Wow, that's not bad, actually.

Yeah, so that was... So we're driving, leaving LA, and the car is like, it's wobbling almost like a rowboat adrift in the ocean. And it's like one of those things where like, is the street fine? You really just hope it's the street. Yeah, I was really hoping it was the street, but it was so very flat. And we were like rocking back and forth like we were getting hit by waves.

So I don't know anything about cars. What is suspensions? I mean, I don't know anything about it really either. But I think the idea is it's kind of like it when you go over bumps the suspension is supposed to um cradle your car yeah like allows like the wheels to go over bumps without you really feeling it that's right like a steady cam yeah exactly so i didn't have that every time every time we went over a pebble it felt like we were going to be thrown from the truck and end up in a ditch. We felt every bump.

Instead of like a spring in your step, your legs were stiff the entire time. So every time there was a slight uptick, you felt it through the car, up your ass, into your spine. Correct. Into your jaw. Yeah. White knuckling across Kansas, which is really supposed to be just like put a brick on the gas and you can go, it's straight. But I was constantly afraid that we're going to get knocked off the road,

which, and Jill's like a good driver, but she's never driven a car that was as old or bad as mine. Yeah, a boat of a car. So I drove literally the entire time. It was a drove literally the entire time it was a bad car yeah it was a bad car i mean it will a great car i love my car so much uh the my car did an incredible job um all things considered i was a bad guy for making my car do that yeah you basically don't blame the car. The car is great. You basically hopped on your great uncle and you said, let's run a 10K. Go on, Morty. Give me up, Morty. It's just Marty and drag.

The other thing, like when we were, so we had to, part of our road trip was over the Colorado Rockies. And I had my, like, I had my, my foot was cramping because I was giving it so much gas trying to get it over the mountain. And it was topping out at like 42. Yeah, slower than, isn't there like a speed limit, but in the opposite direction? The minimum was 40. It was 40. A speed minimum. I was barely going the minimum. It really felt like at any moment I could just start rolling back down. Was it ever a point where you're like, this is not worth the stress.

Let's just park the car, kill it, and take a flight or something? No. It was always all right. But there were times when I was like, our ETA says we're going to be getting here at 730, but like I know it's going to be closer to eight because I have to drive five miles per hour slower than the speed limit, which is what the traffic estimate is based on. Yeah, there should be like a Waze thing that says like,

actually I'm going 42, not 65. So adjust the ETA accordingly. Piece of shit car Waze. And then you get to the other side of the country and you sort of, you get to a pier, you look into the water and then you nod and you put the cinder block on the gas pedal and just send it into the ocean, right? That's like the final, the Viking funeral for your car. I gave my car a Viking funeral.

I lit it a flame and I drove it off a pier in New York. All your stuff's still in it. Shit, shit, shit. Fuck, actually, 911, somebody did something fucking so stupid to my car. I was trying to blow out the fire. I had a similar but less high stakes version of that story. When my car was being tuned up the other day, basically, I took it in because, you know, the wrench light turns on like 5,000 miles ago. And I'm like, I'm sure it's fine.

Nothing's that bad with the car. It still feels fine. I'm leasing like a 2017. So, like, how bad can something be? You had the check engine light on for 5,000 miles? Yeah. It wasn't check engine. It was a wrench, which seemingly was just like general

maintenance got it like it's due for a yeah an oil or a tire or something or other um and also like the the tire pressure light is on for several thousand miles i ignore these little warning signs like a stubborn man just like whatever it's fine the car can still move uh so i take it in because i get these i get these coupons in the mail that's like 30 off your oil change or 20 20 off a tire alignment again i don't know what these things are cabin filter whatever so i i bring it into the dealership and i'm like basically yeah do whatever it needs i don't know it's been 15 000 miles does it need an oil change does it need this and they're like yeah um we'll give it an oil change for sure and then we'll take a look at it and let you know if you need anything else uh i'm like okay great i'll be back in an hour i come back in an hour

and he says he's crying yeah we tried to fucking save her it it wouldn't take we had to bike a funeral the bitch man how uh he's like so the there was a nail in the tire the tire failed the alignment test you need to change your cabin filter and the air filter is also bad do you want to change this stuff and i'm like uh how much is that because i was like i knew the oil change was 79 down to like 49 he He's like, that's another $180. I'm like, okay. Um, how do I know that that stuff actually happened? He's like, I mean, I can show you the paperwork. He shows me the paperwork, just numbers on a piece of paper. I don't understand any of it. Uh, my friend was texting me. He's like, try to like haggle with him and try to like go shop around. I'm like, I don't want to

do any of this stuff. Sure. Fine. You could do whatever you want to the car. I gave him another like $230 and then left i don't know what they did how they did it whether i can do it online for free yeah i don't know that shit either that like every time i go to i always get my oil changed at like jiffy lube or valvoline or one of those things right and they like pull out a filter like my air filter and they're like this is what it looks like you want it like you want a new one like i don't know like maybe they're maybe that it's next to the engine so maybe they got that gets instantly dirty and you're just counting on me being stupid and being right yeah that looks brown it's like basically it's basically a stupidity tax i have to pay for

not doing any homework i'm like i don't know't know, man, I'm a comedy writer. Sure, change the cabin filter, I guess, because I don't want to stand here in Wikipedia what a cabin filter does and how to change it. I don't have the time. Here's $5,000. I'm going to bring my car in every year till I die. And I don't want to think about this anymore. You're really emasculating me keep the car i'm gonna do uber fuck shit uh all right enough catching up about our shitty ass cars although you're gonna keep your car right yeah i'm gonna keep my car i yeah i'm gonna keep it i'm gonna keep it i went back and forth but she she got me all the way to new york i kissed the hood of my car and i i just i realized that i love it everything everything at this point is just gravy

right like you can't ever expect it to do anything if it dies it's like you're not surprised you're happy at this point yeah she led a good life a great life this is that was her second trip driving across the country her third trip across the country when when uh when she did on the back of a truck would you get a new car or would you uh just go until this one dies i don't think i would i think i'll i'll go until this one dies um but i guess i'll like i don't know i can't i wonder if it like dies on the side of the road and then I give up or is it like, you know, I check how much the suspension is to fix and it's $2,000. And I'm like, that's pretty stupid. Right.

Maybe I should fix that. Yeah. At this point, everything totals it because a car being totaled is just more than it'll cost to fix. Like, it's the value of the car. Right. So if you even just like get a flat tire it's technically totaled yes and i mean the engine is bad i'm having the same problem with like uh my dad like i don't know if i should just like continue keeping him alive at this point or like because he just he's like

he's fine he's healthy but he like got a cough and i'm like should i just fucking yeah so push this old bastard into the ocean that's not the same. Well, I went to do it and he beat me up. He kicked my ass. Okay, so that's even sadder, I guess, because it's like he abuses you, but also you're so weak

that he can do that. He weakened me. You're 35. He's weakened me, yeah. And you want him to die. All right, let's get to the questions. This is an advice podcast

after all. Yep, yep. If I were you, last episode of 2018, let's get to the questions. This is an advice podcast after all. If I were you, last episode of 2018, let's finish with a bang. This one is from a guy who's taking a train from LA to Portland. So we'll call him Marty. Very cool. Marty writes, dear Jake and Amir, so for the holidays, my family decided to meet me on the West Coast for Christmas and even went so far as to buy me a train ticket. I have never been on a train, so they told me to take a goddamn day. It'll take a goddamn day and a half to get to Oregon. I nearly lost my shit. I only live in the high desert east of L.A.

How is this fair to me? Anyways, back to the situation. Every time I travel, I make it fun by doing weird random things. For an example, when I fly, I usually pretend I don't know English after I get through security. Well, on this train, I decided to switch it up by being overly social and talking to everybody more than a comfortable amount. I ended up chatting with this woman for most of the ride as I was going to Oregon and she was heading to Washington.

I made a backstory trying to keep it believable. Oh dear. Oh God, I'm melting. I made a backstory trying to keep it believable, but also a little unique because I thought it was a funny thing to do. Mostly, I lied about just serving parole and how I was in prison a few years ago. I'm 25 now. I also lied about what I do for work as I am in school and my actual job is lame as shit. When it was time for me to get off the train, she gave me her number and told me to call her when I went back to California. What should I do? Should I tell this woman I did a nonstop bit for the day? Should I just ghost this bee? Or should

I keep this fake life going and try to smash? Don't limit your advice to these options. Please do give real advice. Thanks. Love, Marty. That actually does sound like something Marty would do. Just a nice, good old-fashioned bit between you and an unsuspecting other. Yeah. It's not really a bit when it's just a lie, right? Have you ever done a bit just for yourself? Yeah, a bit takes two people going back and forth playing a game. She was getting to know somebody and you were being a liar.

Why don't you, if you keep this bit up for the rest of your life, it's not a bit. The bit then becomes who you used to be, your previous life. The ultimate bit. Certainly that's happened before. Bit becomes life.

Yeah, where it's like, I was just joking, joking, joking. And now it's been a year, four years, eight years. And this is me now. I have a family. Bit is not over, and I'm dead. Isn't there, that's like the theory about Tupac, because he was like, he was an actor, and he like, did, he was doing rap almost as like a role as an actor. Oh, really?

So you're telling me Tupac's rap career was a bit i don't know if i believe it but i do know that that's a uh thing that's really cool isn't drake kind of doing a bit too like he grew up to be he grew up as like a comedy actor and then he's like i want to try to be a rapper and now he's still doing that rap his character in degrassi, White wanted to be a rapper. And then he did what his character in Degrassi wanted who just kept it going and now is the number one rapper in the world. But like if he ever runs into like an old high schooler of his, then they just don't respect him anymore. That's really... Oh, Aubrey. I don't even know if it's sad or interesting or funny. It's just Drake. That's why he's Drake and you're not. Anyway, what should this guy do? Stop the bit,

keep it going or ghost the beat? I guess I would ghost. I probably would never meet up with this person again. I don't think you'd get out of it. I don't think you could be like, oh, yeah, I was just being a coy little devil the entire way to Portland when you thought you got to know somebody that was wrong. Okay, or if you are going to meet up with her, what you do is gradually admit to the stuff over time. So it's not like the whole thing was a lie.

It's like, I'm down to meet up. Just so we're 100% clear, I didn't really go to jail. And then like two months later, that's not really my job. And then four months after that, I don't actually serve parole. And by the time all the lies have been debunked she likes the real you it's a it's a cross-dissolved bit ending and also or like you could be like the real me is a guy that does these classic bits so next time we're on a train i might be um a vagabond yeah going to work in uh an oil field in yeah eastern washington or you do

the you say okay i'm down to meet you and meet up and then we can meet my family but when we meet my family i'm gonna do a bit and that bit's gonna be that i'm like a fucking student and i tricked your ass into meeting them they're gonna believe it yeah you do like machine gun fire bits she doesn't know who the real person is anymore yeah you're just constantly switching back and forth to the point where you don't even understand who you are anymore you've let a double life is just a bit suddenly you've changed your name and identity. You don't remember who you are. That seems like the plot to a mildly interesting movie. A guy who leads a double life to the point where he's lied to himself. And now he doesn't remember who he actually is.

Oh, that's pretty cool. It's called... It's like if the guy... Yeah. Catch me if you can't. Yeah, that's good. Liar, liar, liar. So it's three liars. He's lying to himself. It's not a lie if you can't yeah that's good liar liar liar so it's three liars he's lying to himself it's not a lie if you believe it it's like basically the george costanza thing where

it's like if you genuinely believe you're a different person you are and then he gradually does become that different person we don't know who to believe because he doesn't know who to believe write this down why we're recording oh sorry i got an assistant in the last couple weeks write that down yeah i can't believe that edgar you have an assistant named edgar yeah edgar's four and he's no he's doing that's a that's a child labor well he's getting credit he's getting uh pre-k credit for what yeah he doesn't have to do he doesn't have to do shapes where is semester his parents are His parents keep fucking calling me. And I'm like...

They miss their son. Yeah, they miss Edgar. They do. They do. And I get that because he's incredibly affordable. Well, it sounds like you have him working for you for pre-K credit, which isn't a real thing. People say having a child is expensive.

Edgar is saving me cash. I'm so surprised you taught him to write. So he's like court stenographer-ing? He's audio notes, mostly. He has an iPad with a really thick pink case. That's not very tasteful, Edgar. It's like thick and plastic case so that he doesn't get sauce on it. Right.

Does he get sauce on a lot of things? Yeah. Edgar is a messy little fucker, but I love him nonetheless. I don't think you should swear. Oh, yeah. Earmuffs, Edgar. Hold on. His dad is calling me.

You said earmuffs so late. Hello. Hello. I don't understand. Okay. bye edgar's dad speaks hebrew no he doesn't i pretend that i'm like an israeli foreigner whenever he calls like i can't quite understand what he's saying you're the man blooming felt wait till you hear my new year's resolutions is to do more fucking bits like this um all right, we got some more questions, but let's take a break right now. We'll be back for more Qs and As after this. Words.

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gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create. Easy to sell. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer

support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself

or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready

to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Hey, Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross.

You know what I do, and I think you should too, because we are going on tour. We're finally hitting the road again. What we're finally doing is talking about these shows, because they're almost sold out, and we haven't mentioned them on the podcast yet. Oh, that's true. Yeah, we sort of recorded before we left, and then promoted the shows on social media. There's only like 45 tickets left for the New York show. So we're announcing it now, a little late,

and we apologize that March 7th in New York at Gramercy Theater, March 9th in D.C. at the Black Cat, I believe it's called. Have we? That's not where we did

the last time. Or no, is it? We've done Gramercy. We haven't done that Black Cat, the D.C. venue. Yeah, but we've done Gramercy as part of a college humor show. We've never done it on our own, a solo dolo show. Yeah, but we've done Gramercy as part of a college humor show. We've never done it on our own, a solo

dolo showlo. Yeah, we have Natto. This could be like our first shows in a year. Yeah, that's crazy. Is the last show that we did in Amsterdam? It must be. Edgar, do you have my schedule? Edgar, give him a break. Give him a

snack. Let him watch a movie. He's eating a plum. He's eating a plum And he's watching a cartoon That's adorable It's been a 12 hour day, so I feel for the kid Jesus The tickets are available for both of those shows At jacobdemere.com

Again, not a lot of tickets left for the New York show We're going to sell that one out very soon Grab them while they're hot Where do people do that? jacobdemere.com or ifire show.com i think i'd put a links put some links there um do you have any new year's resolutions uh yeah you know what i i i i had like four but i can't remember any of them except for one that um which is to write shit down which is to get myself an edgar um i want to learn how to lead climb you want a what how to who wear i want to learn how to lead climb which is what um well you and i used to climb together um i i still climb, but I do bouldering. Right. Which you know.

Correct. Bouldering is no ropes. You got the pads. You can top out or climb down. That's right. You don't go very high. And then there's top rope. Those are gyms where you're on a rope.

You climb up, let go, and you get belayed down. Lead climbing is kind of like top rope, you you go up with the rope it's not secure to anything you secure it as you climb jesus christos so it's like it's um it's more like it's all the fear of bouldering it's it's kind of it's like a little fearful mixture but i like sport climbing i like going i like climbing outside with ropes um and lead climbing is kind of the way to learn how to do that and you're gonna do it outside i would like to that's i guess that's my new year's resolution to learn to lead climb and to do a sport climbing trip outside fuck mine uh mine's gonna sound like

nasty by comparison right well i guess that makes sense considering you have a four-year-old indentured yeah and you want to kill your dad I wanted to do those too and then to read to read less read less I feel like I'm so bogged down into like this Twitter and the Instagram

and I'm like freaking obsessed with social media so you want to like get off social media I want to do more more of that just because it's fun to like be plugged in and online but like what really gets in the way is like this nagging feeling that i should be reading books like books and magazines and shit like that and that's that shit i don't like no i don't i don't read it down you don't read it so you don't have to say you're going to read less because you already don't. Well, like when I'm watching like TV,

sometimes there's like words on the screen. So like I'm doing that. Obviously I want to do that. I want to read more like that. Like if it's like a basketball game to score, read the score. What I don't want to do is like, yeah, I don't want to like better myself.

Why are you getting mad at me? I feel like you're discussing your resolution, but you're shouting it at me. See, now Edgar is also like starting to like nod, disapproving. I feel like you're a bad influence on Edgar. Me? I really think you and Edgar are teaming up against me and my New Year's resolution. Which you already said was- And I hesitate. I hesitate to even say it now because I'm feeling a little bit on edge, and you guys are attacking me for the ones that I have already. You know what?

I am a little bit. So definitely, actually, I would advise you to tread lightly because I feel like you're— I was going to punch either you or Edgar as hard as I could at one point this year. That's not a resolution. That's a threat. Okay. And making it against Edgargar is actually quite all right

edgar's all crying and you probably are too oh my god this is so fucked up no i'm crying you're you are crying you're the only one i don't even think edgar's crying i honestly would i'd wager edgar's not afraid of you at all ah he! He kicked me in the freaking shin. Get him, Edgar. Get him. All right. Let's try to answer some more questions. We only did one so far. Okay.

Oh, here's one from a lady in college. We'll call her Sarah Lawrence. Sarah Lawrence writes, I've been binging your show for a year, and I'm almost caught up. Love what you're doing. Anyway, I'm a 20-year-old female in college, and I've been hooking up with this guy for a month, and things are going great.

Well, not that great, because every time I sleep over at his place and wake up in the morning, I have a sore throat, stuffy nose, dry eyes, and a cough. It took me a minute to recognize that he uses down pillows and a down blanket. I'm incredibly allergic and I've always been. So my question is, should I tell the guy that I'm spending the night at his place? Sorry, should I tell him that spending the night at his place makes me physically sick? Can I bring my own pillow? Help. What we have going on is pretty chill and it's starting to move on to something

more serious love the girl who's not down with the down very good very very good what a sweet question it is a really sweet question i can't believe she would even consider suffering through not having a pillow yeah what do you say that you're constantly getting a cold just to avoid him changing his pillow for you? Yeah, he'll be happy to do that. Yeah, or this is like a good test because if he's not happy to do that, then he's a monster. Right, this is a very, very reasonable request. You say, I, you know, you know, should you say, can you change the pillow? Or should you say like, hey, I don't like that pillow, I'm going to bring my own and then see if he says, No, don't even worry about it. I'll get you a new pillow. Or should you say, hey, I can't sleep over the pillow because then it sounds like you're high maintenance or something.

You say, hey, I am allergic to your pillows and comforter. So we either have to sleep at my place. Did she say that she has a place? Yeah, she has a place. He has a place. All right, so we have to sleep at my place or I can buy myself a pillow for your house. Yeah.

So it's like, you need to change the pillows, I'll pay for it. Or if you don't want to change your pillows, we have to sleep here. Down is just like feathers, right? I think there's different kinds of down. There's like, there's a synthetic down and there's the authentic down. Yeah, but like a bag of feathers is basically what his pillow is. Right, but then there's some, it's not like necessarily real feathers. It's like, it's faux feathers, faux-thers.

Yeah, so tell the guy. But then additionally, I think as a society starting now, we should start giving the word down a different name. Like it's just a confusing name that it's also the material and also the opposite of up. Like we can come up with something new. It doesn't have to be called down. Fluff. That's perfect. You're allergic to fluff, but now we have to change the name of the marshmallow spread because we don't want to be like the sit spread.

That could just be marshmallow spread. Yeah, but it should really have a name like, I don't know, up. So we'll call the marshmallow spread. Like you're stepping up. We'll call that up. No, that's harder. Don't write that down, Edgar. Edgar, no. Erase it.

Edgar has a really cute small gun pointed at me. All right, next question. This one's a bit of a doozy, so see if you can wrap your cock around it. I'll be able to. Do we have another lady's name? Let's go college-themed. Vassar.

I like that. An all-girls school, but not really a name. Vassar, Veronica Vassar. Yeah. Right. I'm a 24-year-old girl, and I need your guy's help. One of my ex-best friends catfished my boyfriend and tried to get him to agree to cheat on me. The catfishing friend is a gay man who was pretending to be a straight girl, disguised his number using an app and began texting my boyfriend trying to get him to agree to sleep with quote-unquote her under the guise that she used to know him.

My boyfriend declined the offer and ended up blocking the number after the catfisher sent nudes. The catfisher then proceeded to message our friend group behind my back trying to tell everyone that my boyfriend was attempting to cheat on me and then messaged me the same thing. My boyfriend and I were able to expose the catfisher to my friend group, and I immediately blocked and cut all ties with his catfish friend. But here's the issue. Two of our mutual best friends both agreed that the catfisher and what he did was wrong, but they refused to do anything about it

and insist that their friendship with both of us continues as normal. The catfisher has not even attempted to apologize, even though the incident happened a couple months ago. Now my friend group continues to plan events and parties like we all used to and everyone invites everyone and acts like I'm the rude and distant one when I decline because I don't want to see the catfisher. These two best friends of mine have been my closest friends for the past 10 years and have always been such kind and considerate friends that they insist what they're doing right now is not abandoning anyone. So I need some advice. What

would you do in my situation? Should I turn my back on them and by extension the whole group and start anew? Should I pretend that the catfisher isn't there and try to function as if nothing happened? Or some other top-tier plan that you fellows come up with? Please help. Thanks. Love, Veronica Vassar. Fuck, that's hard.

That's really hard. Yeah, this guy basically tried to entrap your boyfriend and it failed, but he still like tried to out him. You're like, that's right. He tried to hook up with me. But it's still sort of winning on his end because he's going to get to keep his friends and you might not hang out with them anymore. Yeah. But that's wrong. I think two things.

One, your friends are being bad that's bad they're being bad two though what do you like if you turn your back and start anew that's like that is letting him win i feel like i feel like what you want to do is take a little ownership over this thing and like go to all the events be confident hang around try to make the catfisher feel uncomfortable yeah you want to basically get to a position where he doesn't feel too comfortable but he seems like a crazy guy that doesn't give a shit he fucking tried to entrap your boyfriend failed and then it's like oh well all right on to the next at least i tried it's like whoa you shouldn't have done that it's just really hard to like leave a friend group entirely like

my instinct i do want to just be like hey fuck all these people they're all insane but it's hard to find brand new friends yeah imagine you're in a friend group of four like you and the twinnovation crew and one of them really fucks over the other one. And then they're like, but do you ever have the person's back so much that it's like what they did? Like if Mike fucked over Dave so much that you no longer hang out with Mike, or you're always like, Hey,

Mike didn't do anything to me. So I'm fine with it. I guess it would depend on what it was, but it'd be, I mean, unless I don't know. So I'm fine with it. I guess it would depend on what it was. But it'd be hard. I mean, unless, I don't know. I don't think I could. I don't know.

It's hard to take on someone's beef if they did nothing to you, but just did something bad to a friend. Especially if you're closer to the friend. Yeah. But then there's also like this thing that he did was bad, but incredibly creepy. It's not just like, hey, this guy cheated on my girlfriend or like, you know, something like kind of like a one-off thing. Stole some money. Did something that was like a big no-no, but you can like get down to the root of it and figure out what was up. Yeah.

He made this weird campaign where he took on a fake identity and tried to like sow discord among everybody. That's right. He tried to sow discord. It's so batshit crazy that, I mean, I guess I'd want to keep on hanging out with him just to keep my eye on him. That's cool.

Yeah. You act like that shit gets you off. Or you just switch it around. You try to do like some crazy maneuver because it's open season. You have carte blanche access to fuck with him back. This is war. Yeah, that's right. Some sort of intervention, some sort of catfishing.

I vote you hang out and you're just like confident, like you belong in the friend group and this guy doesn't. You know, there's a party, you obviously show up with the boyfriend, you say hey to everybody. And then like, you say hey to this, the catfisher, and you ask like, you know, if the girl he pretended to be was named Phoebe,

you say, hey, is Phoebe coming tonight? I'm just kidding you know and like move on into the next room so the best revenge is just pretending you don't give a shit about this right he's not going to take your friends you're still going to be around with your friends and you can just make snide remarks at him that's what i would do i've never like lost living well is the best revenge as long as you can be kind of catty about it, too. I've never, like, lost a friend due to, like, one epic thing. Like a fight that splintered a friendship forever.

Have you ever, like, lost somebody because of a thing like that? Yeah, in high school, I lost a friend because of that. What happened? There was, like, it was between, it was over a girl. Of course. Of course. Yeah. I broke up a relationship and then chose to date the girl instead of trying to make amends with a friend.

And that was it. Still to this day, no contact. Yeah. But I mean, it like, I think it wasn't just that. I think there was like other other factors like we were going to college we were like probably on different tracks in our life anyway yeah i was already splintering so you just sort of kicked him further away yeah i think now now in my older in my older life i i would i think i would try to work anything out with my friends at this point. You're in too deep.

Yeah, I've chosen the friends that I have. All right, last question. Yeah. This one's from a 21-year-old lady from the Great White North. So let's just choose classic British Columbian University, Emily Carr University of Art and design emily carr whoa and that's not like anything i looked up that's just edgar pull that edgar edgar sort of saw where this whole day was going and he like fed me that line he's really on top of his shit for a four yeah definitely yeah He's not four years old.

He's just a four out of ten. I see. He's an ugly six-year-old. Yeah. All right. Emily Carr writes, I'm a 21-year-old young lady from the great white north.

I've never been in a relationship and I've only had a few drunken hookups while I was solo traveling in Europe. A couple weeks ago, I decided that I was sick of being a forever alone uggo and went on a Tinder date to see if I could find a nice man. Little to no surprise, most guys were only looking for hookups and I wasn't very interested until I got sick of it and gave in. I'm talking to this guy who at the time seemed understanding that I am not the most experienced. So we made

plans to meet up. He came over to my house and I started to panic. I was racing around the house moments before he knocked. And once he came in, I was a nervous mess. I started to sweat. So we just put on a movie and sat down prior to coming over. He said he would stop at any time if I wasn't feeling okay, but clarified the fact that since he was driving 25 minutes to my house, that he wasn't going to come over if we weren't going to do anything. So when he asked me if I wanted him to leave, I felt bad and said no. We started to kiss, so we went up to my room. Things started to get heated, and I was giving him a BJ, my first ever

sober BJ, and I thought I was doing okay. I've gotten compliments in the past. All of a sudden, he says, okay, you can stop now. I'm going to see myself out and just walked out of my house. I texted him after asking him what happened and he said, it was bad, you were too nervous, I'm not interested anymore. I felt like an actual piece of trash on the side of the highway. I understand that maybe I wasn't the best, but I can assure you that there is some skill involved. Do you think what he did was okay? Would you ever walk out on a girl if she's not giving you that great of a BJ? Should I continue in my quest to find a good man that will treat me right? Or are all men trash? Thanks. Sorry for the long email. Emily Carr. Good Lord. You take the first stab at that one. That one makes me mad.

Well, is anything he did good? Sorry. Is anything that he did fine? I would say texting and saying, I'm not coming over unless we're going to do something is bad. I mean, that's awful. That's a sign number one. Don't invite that guy over. Screenshot that. Make that your new profile picture. Like if you'd match with this guy.

Swipe left. Yeah. Stopping her in the middle of a bj and saying you can stop now i'm gonna see myself out that's i mean absolutely awful so so psychological uh so psychologically damaging that also yeah texting and saying hey how was it and she he says it was bad you were too nervous I'm not interested anymore. Is that the worst of the three? I would say the first one is the worst of the three because that set the tone for the entire thing. When she was nervous,

she felt too guilty asking him to leave. So she got herself into a situation based on his, i don't know framing of their hangout where she didn't feel comfortable saying no and then um would you ever walk out on a girl if she's not giving you that great of a bj no that's a trash move he's a trash man do you think what he did was okay? No. But I wanted to answer this question right before 2019, because this can be a good New Year's resolution. It doesn't mean you should give up entirely. Because not all men are trash. No, 80%. That's a lot,

but it's not all. How do you avoid trash? Like in the future, somebody sends you that text. Maybe you say, okay, nevermind. I don't want you to come over with any expectations. Don't come over. Nevermind. Leave. Yeah. I think most men are trash, but there are some that are so stupid that they let you

know that they're trash really early. This guy did. He's in like the 50%. So say 80% of men are bad yeah uh i feel like 50 are like outwardly bad in a very noticeable way oh that's a good new year's resolution is to when somebody tells you that they're bad in a very outwardly noticeable way cut them off right there if someone tells you they're a piece of shit believe them yeah i think that's a famous quote not with the piece of shit part but the other part somebody tells you who they are believe them um and it's

a good new year's resolution for dudes not to be a piece of trash yeah there's like there's a a small glint of hope even in this guy because he i like to think that maybe part of him wasn't enjoying this BJ because he knew she was nervous. And he said that, but there's a way to say that politely. You know, like, you're not ready for this or I can tell you're not into it. Let's not push it. Like, that's good behavior. But shaming, like saying that

and using it to shame her is awful. Yeah, and not communicating that until she asks you, also bad. So there's a sweet thing in here if you mine away all the garbage, which was stopping her when you realized she was very nervous and panicked before you got there. But what you did and how you went about it was bad. Right. And you can't, like, you also did everything to make her nervous. So then you can't be like, oh, this is awful. You're nervous.

Was it the ultimatum I texted on my way over that didn't help the situation? Yeah. Fuck you. You piece of shit. How about she sends us this guy's picture. We'll put it up on our website. That way we can sort of publicly out slash shame this individual so that nobody else ever deals with him ever again. Now we're talking, dude. Edgar, write that down. Yeah. Edgar, we're going to catch all the scum out there. It's going to be like some sort of Robin Hood, but- You and me, Edgar. Morality.

All right. That's it. That's our time. We got to go. We got to go ring in the new year. And so do you guys. Thanks so much for listening this entire, not just this episode, but this whole year. Party hard tonight. Have fun, everybody.

Should we tell people the big difference of this episode? See if they realize, see if they notice. Oh, yeah. This is the first episode we had to record remotely. Jake is still in New York. We wanted to still record a podcast episode. So we're doing it using state-of-the-art technology, Facebook audio, and we're going to splice it together.

FaceTime audio, not Facebook audio. Yeah, FaceTime audio. Let us know if you realize that. And not like in a cool way, like I knew something was off. I need the actual response i need some verified responses that say yes i realized or no i didn't i couldn't tell at all that'd be great what do you think most people realized or most people did i'm gonna say most people didn't wow but then we'll say that they did yeah because people don't like to admit that they were duped, even in a passive, inconsequential way.

That's right. Edgar, write that down. Let's talk that wise, Edgar. Wouldn't you have seen Edgar if we were in the same room too? Maybe that tipped it off. That could have. Either way, happy 2019. What are you going to do for New Year's?

I'm going to meet up with my brother, maybe Jeff, Dave, and we're going to go to Jill's friend's apartment. Classic apartment party. Oh, my God. Classic apartment party. What's your plan? I'm probably not doing anything because the very next day, early in the morning, I'm taking a family trip.

I have to get on a flight. So we're doing a first through the fifth trip to Arizona. No shit. Yeah. Where at? trip. I have to get on a flight. So we're doing a first through the fifth trip to Arizona. No shit. Yeah. Where at? I'll give you the exact coordinates offline, but just as a little hint, here's the first two letters of the address. Nevermind. I got to run, bud.

One, two, and then the city is FL. Our Patreon has the full address if you want to tweet up and meet up. Only for the bastards. Thanks to everyone who has been watching our Patreon videos. We're still making them. More If I Were You content and more Jake and Amir. Watch Jake and Amir at patreon.com slash ja. And again, those live shows that you can still buy tickets to for now

at jakeandamir.com. Happy New Year's to you, Jake, and Happy New Year's to everyone listening. Ciao, everybody. Opening theme song was written by Martin. This closing theme song was this techno song. Shit, let me pull up who wrote it. Edgar, you piece of shit.

Whoa. Sorry, I shouldn't scream. Maddie. Maddie did a little boom-bop head nodder JNA intro theme song for Dadaz. So thanks, Maddie. Thanks, Martin. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next year. little boom bop head nodder jna intro theme song for dad as so thanks maddie thanks martin thanks to you guys for listening we'll be back next year ciao welcome to if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us.

I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Jay. I'm Jay. I'm Jay. I'm Jay.

Question. Question. Question. Question. I know. Never mind. Question. Question.

Question. Question. Okay. For the record, I did answer the question on equipment. Forget it. Forget it because you're dumb. Forget question on equipment Forget it Forget it because you're dumb Forget it Forget it Forget it because you're dumb

Forget it because you don't know what the Forget it Forget it because you're dumb Forget it because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about Ass, ass, ass Stop saying ass so much Ass, ass You're using it as a crutch

Ass, ass, ass And it's not as funny as you think it is Ass, ass, ass, ass Just go back to being the needy weirdo that you used to be, alright? has a crutch. Ass. Ass. Ass. And it's not as funny as you think it is. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Just go back to being the needy weirdo that you used to be, alright?

You couldn't possibly know that proof is in the smile. Smile. Dip shit. What? Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast

on the internet hosted by, hosted by, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Amir.

I'm Jay. I'm Jay. I'm Jay. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. I'm Jay. I'm Jay. I'm Jay. I'm Jay. Forget it. Forget it because you're dumb? Forget it because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Ass.

Ass. That was a HeadGum Podcast.