Segments - 364: Magic The Gathering

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

In this episode we discuss different types of nerds, national parks, and how threesomes are like fragile flowers. And, we cannot stress this enough, we are in the same room.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'll leave a review If you are so inclined Cause there must be some magic doers To help us when we go Cause all I hear Are a mess of schemes And Jake trying to get you out of every bling As days go by schemes, and Jake trying to get you out of every bling.

As days go by, they're going to fill your hearts with happiness. You may cry, but get rid of your homelessness. As days go by, they'll answer you, they'll answer of me Just send them an email and you will see As days go by It's called If I Were You and it starts right now Holy shit. How did he do that? How did he do that?

How did he do that? How did he do that? How did you do that? How did you do that, man? That was great, man. How did you do that? How did he do? Dear Lincoln on Spotify.

Remember him? Yes. DearLincolnFacebook.com slash Dear Lincoln. That's a good band name. I remember we said that last time. He did a Scooby-Doo parody a couple months ago, and now this is a Family Matters theme song. I'm into it.

If you could just do the TV theme songs forever, we'll pop you in every month or two. For sure. Let's hear a step-by-step. Oh, that's good. Which one was that one? It sounded exactly like one of his. All of TGIF sounded the same.

Yeah, like what does Full House sound like? Days Go By? No, that's this song. Is that the one that just said Days Go By? Yeah. Okay. Step by Step is... Step by Step, day by day, fresh start over.

Every kind of way. Something like that. Did you have a crush on Al from Step by Step? I sure friggin' did. I had a crush on Al. I had a crush on Cody. I had a crush on Al from Step by Step? I sure friggin' did. I had a crush on Al. I had a crush on Cody. I had a crush on Patrick Duffy. No shit.

Really? Frank Lambert? I was just turned on by every character on that show. You were just a horny teen. Yeah, I was a horny tween at the time. Constantly fapping to TV themes. Growing Pains. What's that one?

I think that's my request. I remember liking that theme song, but now I can't remember. Again, now that I hear this one. No, Days Go By is this one. Full House is what? Full House is It's a Rare Condition. Oh, yeah.

This Day and Age. No, that's Family Matters. That's the one that just happened? That's what just happened. God damn it. Full House is... Oh, Milkman, the Paperboy. Oh, yeah.

Even in TV. No way. Yes, it is is Love and Tradition No, that's Family Matters Really? Milkman the Paperboy, Evening TV Yes, you're familiar Oh

Everywhere you look Everywhere This is Gabrus and Lapkus podcast. We're stealing it. Oh, yeah. I should say that our podcast is now about TV. That's right.

From the 90s. And it's on Earwolf. Yeah. What's up now? That's a cool little pivot. That's a cool way to start 2019. Another cool way to start 2019, recording this Borderline Live, Monday, January 7th. Yeah.

Borderline late. Yeah. Actually, not even borderline, actually late. Podcast just has to come out on Monday. Nobody says what time. That's right. Nobody says what time. As a courtesy to you, it's always at midnight Eastern,

but it doesn't have to be. Yeah. It could be at noon Pacific. It could be at 2.11 p.m. We're our own bosses. Who the fuck tells us what to do? The audience. Right.

They're our bosses. Yeah. And we apologize for being late. Won't happen again, sirs and ma'ams and sirs. You were just fired. Really? Yeah. By the audience.

The whole entire audience? Yeah. Couldn't possibly be. They looked you in the eyes and they said, you're fired. The Donald? Oh, I'm a Trump supporter now that it's 2019. Right. Well, that's not a surprise.

You're wearing a MAGA hat and you have been since the election. I gave him two years of saying no to the Donald. And now I'm going to try two years of supporting the Donald. You're into the shutdown. Yeah, the shutdown is good. The public parks thing is fine with the toilets overflowing. With fecal matter? Yeah.

The xenophobic rhetoric is a little troublesome to me. But overall, it's worth it because he... Because he lets the toilets overflow at the National Park. Yeah. I would say they should close the park if the toilets are overflowing with shit, right? Actually, part of my family went to the Grand Canyon, and technically that's a National Park, and they got in for free. Of course, the toilets were overflowing so they couldn't use them. Were they really overflowing?

Yeah. Not overflowing, but the porta-potties were full. Oh, I see. Well, the Grand Canyon has like actual infrastructure a little bit. You know, the visitor center, they got flush toilets. They're great. I was just there too. Actually, the Grand Canyon in itself is a toilet.

Yeah. So my dad would, you know, instead of using the porta-potty, he would just... He would shit into the abyss. Yeah, he would shit into a toilet. Yeah. So my dad would, you know, instead of using the porta potty, he would just... He would shit into the abyss. Yeah, he would shit into the toilet. Because what is a canyon if it's not a giant

toilet bowl based for drone? And the Colorado River, of course, being the flush. Yeah, so you, the poop eventually ends up in the river

and then it goes into the ocean. Hey, that river did a real nice job wiping away all of the earth and creating the canyon. I think it can wipe away the run's past. No spoilers.

No spoilers. Okay. I didn't read the plaque yet. Okay. You were there. I didn't go. Yeah, I stayed in Sedona. So you still haven't, but you've been to the Grand Canyon.

I've been to the Grand Canyon. We went together. But I didn't read. I took a picture of the plaque. I haven't read it yet. I don't know what made it. I feel like the statute is up on that. Yeah.

Like you. It's millions of years old. I should know know what made it. I feel like the statute is up on that. It's millions of years old. I should know by now. Yeah, and our trip was five years ago. La la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. That's the next theme song. Alright, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the net. The web, hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. Remember websites? Anyway, they were fun. We'm Amir. I'm Jake. Remember websites? Anyway. They were fun. We have in our email box still questions. People still confused after all these years. From 2013 until now, people still don't know how to act. I wonder if the questions from 2013

feel different. We should do an episode where we answer the first questions we got. Sometimes, yeah, I guess we could definitely do that. But sometimes with Game Boy, we go back that far. Yeah. And I feel... Does it feel different?

Like, was 2013 that different that, like, the questions were different? Maybe dating app? Yeah. I don't know. Were apps more popular, or were we just using them more back then? I think they're... I feel like they're still as popular. Yeah.

I should hope so. I just bought 51% controlling interest of Tinder. That's amazing. Congratulations. That had to cost you a fortune. Yeah. 51 million. That's amazing. Yeah. 1 million for each percent. Yeah. That's funny how that worked out. I feel like they just got you with the number. You know, sometimes you make a number nice and interesting and people are like, oh, I like that. Because they came in with 22 million.

Yeah. So you should have taken that. and then i countered with 51 because it felt right yeah well was and they were giggling they were snickering in the room for 51 or 22 it was for 22 oh i see you so you actually did yeah it's like a hundred million dollar valuation that i just threw against the wall and hope it was accurate they couldn't stop laughing at me in the room during negotiations. Yeah, you never want that. The vibe. They kept saying, are you sure? And I was like, yeah, yes.

I don't know. I wasn't there with anybody to like bounce ideas off. Oh, yeah. I'm just looking at my news feed and Tinder is, yeah, they've hemorrhaged users. They released like their latest numbers. Where did you get that? They've dropped 30% of their base. Basically, no one's using Tinder.

That's crazy. I'll sell to you right now for $30. Okay. Fuck. Now you're laughing at me. All right, these are questions you found this morning. Are these freshies? These are freshies

these were all from the top of the box holy shit top of the box to you top of the order um here's one it's from a lady okay who hates magic the gathering so we'll call her what's the name of a magic the gathering thing um the black lotus i remember my brother used to play and he said that was the most rare card. The Black Lotus? The Black Lotus rights. Interesting. Cool. Longtime listener, longtime advice needer, but never an asker. I'm a 22 year old gal from Canada in need of some relationship wisdom. I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly six years now. We're both big fans of Jake and Amir and that helped us connect. Hell yeah. We have our

ups and downs, obviously, but pretty much everything I could ever ask for. He's funny, he's hot, he's loving, nerdy, and passionate about his interests. Speaking of interests, there is one problem. He does not fucking shut up about Magic the Gathering. I think I am cool with every other nerdy interest he has. I am down to watch him play video games. I really like reading and editing his creative writing. Hell, I even love listening to him detail him and his friends next D&D campaign, but goddamn, I cannot care about Magic the Gathering no matter how hard I try. He will insistently show me card art, hurl random stats at me, explain some sort of trade deal he's working on, and even when I try to understand,

I don't. So I tune out and I nod, mostly. I don't want to come across as a girlfriend that doesn't care about his interests because I love the way his eyes light up when he talks about the things he cares about. Six years of this is getting pretty exhausting, though. So here's my question. At what point am I considered a bad girlfriend for breaking the news that I absolutely hate Magic the Gathering? Have I let it run too far? I mean, I'm no actress. He knows I don't understand it at all and makes all kinds of efforts to teach me, but I don't want to hurt his feelings and tell him that I just don't care.

I can't sit through another in-depth show and tell of his magic cards. I think I might go insane. Please help. Thanks, The Black Lotus. All right. insane please help thanks the black lotus all right how deep do you discuss your dnd passion with jill your wife or do you spare her entirely i spare her pretty much entirely i give her the broad strokes but i also have i, I have a little more social awareness. And I can tell when somebody's not interested.

So I just skip everything. Let it slide. Yeah. Because I'm also too sensitive to tell somebody a long story that they don't care about. It'll hurt my feelings too much. I'm too passionate about D&D to share it with Jill, who will just brush it aside like it's nothing. But it's my fucking life. Like, if your character died, that would be the biggest thing in D&D.

That would be, yeah. Would you go home and tell that to Jill? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Somebody in our campaign, no spoilers for anybody that's not caught up to the dnd thing yes there was so there was a harrowing a near-death experience um well that that happens too there was like a thing that happened in our campaign that like really shook me and i like came home and i she was asleep because like sometimes we record till like two in the morning and i curled up and i like told her and she's like okay what do you what do you

mean okay my fucking ex-wife in the campaign blew her brains out in front of me okay you turn the lights on okay no get up we're brewing a pot of coffee i need you to roll this die. Yeah. You do a perception check. Yeah. So I think, but I think that's like, I think that's healthy. Like you don't need your partner to care about literally everything that you do. That's what you have friends for. That's what this guy has friends for. His friends care about Magic the Gathering and he cares about it. And that's what makes that friend group good. Yeah.

You don't have to be like, I also am passionate about Magic the Gathering, especially after six years. At six years, you don't have to give a shit about anything. That's the goal of six years. The rule of six years is that you no longer have to care. Yeah. But do you pretend to care or do you say, listen, I just don't care? I think you do care on some level like you care that he cares yes and you don't want him to be but hurt by this right but you're allowed

to be like i think it's awesome how much you love it and i like that you're passionate and really the the big thing is if you just if you hated it so much that you gave him guff about playing with his friends, cutting into his passion and trying to stamp out the fire in his heart that exists for Magic the Gathering, that's bad. Yeah. But all you're saying is you keep that fire burning, but I'm not going to warm my hands by it. I don't need to know.

You go do it over there. That's right. And stop talking to me about it. I think that's 100% fine. Stop warm my hands by it. I don't need to know. You go do it over there. That's right. And stop talking to me about it. I think that's 100% fine. Stop talking to me about it. But just that language feels abrasive. Yeah, you can definitely, you know, yeah, you temper it. You, I guess, what would you say?

I don't know. It's so borderline rude that you don't want to, like, piss him off or disappoint him. Yeah, I don't think you really... I think all of that stuff always happens when you, like, have a sit-down conversation. But, like, it doesn't really happen in the moment. Next time it comes up, you just say, like, hey, this is really cool. I love that you're really passionate. But can we actually talk about something else?

Like, Magic the Gathering doesn't get me as excited as you as it gets you yeah no for sure closing a binder of fan art so like what he likes other nerdy shit like let's talk about your dnd campaign let's talk about video games or hell god forbid we talk about one of my passions soccer i feel like i feel like we never talk about soccer we never talk about soccer anymore i have this equivalent uh with my girlfriend but i'm sort of starting to erode her getting her into basketball so like she starts to like want to know and like is asking questions yeah but like afraid to like bombard her with all the characters quite yet so it's like oh there's here's lebron he's pretty cool. He did this thing for Cleveland.

Take a look at this. Oh, that's cool. Started a foundation. Yeah, and then it's like, oh, let's watch the fourth quarter of this game. Wow, that's exciting. Let's go to this game. Okay, this is cool.

I can get into it now. I have a favorite player. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Does she have a favorite player? She has a favorite player now. On the Lakers? Of course. It's got to be Kuzma.

I absolutely brainwashed her to rooting for my favorite team. Who's your favorite player? Brandon Ingram. Yeah, he's one of my favorites too. He's tall, skinny, tattooed. It's easy to root for. But that's the equivalent of this.

But I'm like, now I'm like, should I keep it going? Now do I introduce her to other basketball players? Do I introduce her to football? No, no, football's too much. Let's stick to one sport. And then let's not bring it up for a while. Let's see if she brings it up. But this guy is like, let's not bring it up for a while. Let's see if she brings it up. But like this guy is like, I'm all in. This is what happened. Magic the Gathering.

What is your viewpoint of Magic the Gathering as a D&D player? Have you warmed up to it? Or is it like another subset of nerds that you can look down on? I, for whatever reason, like sometimes when I'm talking about D&D, like when I talk about like, oh yeah, I'm like nerdy. I play D&D, I like Game of Thrones, but I'm not like a Magic the Gathering player. You think they're saying the same thing? Like, yeah, I play Magic the Gathering.

That's like poker. I'm not like a D&D player. Maybe so. I feel like they're two very different brains because like I like fantasy, but I also like doing bits and like creative storytelling. And I also like doing bits and creative storytelling. And I feel like Magic the Gathering is a lot more like strategy.

It's like playing Risk or something. Yeah, it's more of a game point. Yeah. Lots of math. Lots of things. It's like chess. Yeah, I don't know. It's just not for me.

But I don't know if I look down on it as much as I used to. We got a tour of the Wizards of the Coast office in Seattle, which is like the people that make Magic the Gathering. They do magic and D&D or just magic? Both. They do both? Yeah. One company owns both?

Yeah, they weren't started by the same company, but the company that started magic bought D&D. It's a nerdopoly. They have a complete control over every kind of nerd you are. Yeah. They are the Parker brothers. I wonder if they can tell the difference just by looking at someone. Oh, I wonder.

It seems like Magic the Gathering players wear trench coats. And D&D players wear what? Careful. You just stood up so tall. And I'm wearing a trench coats. And D&D players wear what? Careful. You just stood up so tall. And I'm wearing a trench coat. My coat unfurls behind me. Whoa, you have a cape.

I should say we're in the same room this time. Oh, yeah. There was a huge twist at the end of last episode revealing that we were recording remotely. Yeah. We are in the same room. We are. How do we prove that? Oh, no. I can't hold up fingers, right?

Yeah, you can. And then we can say it on the count of three. But then I guess I could have digitally altered that too. What if? Okay, how about, how can you prove over audio that two people are in the same room? I don't know if you can. I don't think you can. Because everything is editable. Yeah. We'd have to, we could take a selfie. But even that's later.

Even that's fakeable. Well, yeah, I guess, how do you prove anything these days? Because like, the fake news media is always sort of like telling its lies. Yeah, like CNN and shit. Like they haven't told a they haven't told uh a truth since they said donald trump wins election i'm not even sure they were telling the truth about that why is that news media you think i think they're such liars that they that he didn't even win the election so okay now i'm confused as to what you're who's that who's that am i on all right how about this it's a selfie of me by myself in the office. Why would I do that unless you were with me?

Right, because if I was with you, you would put me in this, or if I wasn't with you, we would Photoshop a weird selfie. Okay. So yeah, you just take a selfie. Yeah. Without you in it.

And that'll prove that you're here with me. Okay, how about this? I'll point to something and you tell me what I'm pointing at and I'll say it at the same time. Okay. Okay. What am I pointing at now?

A chair. See? Nice. Yeah, I feel like, I guess, you could have just got me clean saying a chair which i will but i like sort of said it differently you know that's cool that's something you can't really fake like if you pointed at that sign yeah and you like told me later that you're pointing at the sign i would like i would have said a sign and you would have said a sign but you pointed at the

chair and i said the chair and you said a chair. That's true. What a weird little inconsistency. This is all very glocal of us. Yeah. Just sowing little seeds of doubt as to which room we may or may not be sitting in. What am I pointing at now? A sign. I couldn't tell if you were pointing at the sign or the

column. And how do I know that there's a column in this room? Because obviously you remember from when you were or the column. And how do I know that there's a column in this room? Because obviously you remember. Right. From when you were in the room. I guess I could. Yeah, but like, oh, you know what? No, we'll never be able to prove it.

But I feel like we've spent so much time talking about it that people no longer care. Definitely. This is our magic gathering. This podcast is cool, but it's mostly just them discussing. Whether or not they're in the same room and what does that mean? So many great podcasts that I listen to don't record in the same room. Like there are lots of big podcasts that have people recording remote. I guess we're just janky.

We're a jankier operation. Right. So we need to record in the same room. Well, because we recorded remotely last week and I spent a good hour or two editing it together to make it sound like we were in the same room. Now I'm wondering when those podcasts record remotely, do they do the same treatment to it? Are they working that hard to make it seem like they're in the same room? Do they get rid of the lag? Do they get rid of the lag? Do they have one person recording into a mic?

Do they just record the other person through the phone do they give as much of a shit they do so i listened to that show the political gab fest and they have people call it like sometimes they're in the same room and sometimes they're not and it's really like there's truly no difference at all wow and i think it's because they record like in actual studios in different places. So there might be no line? I've got no idea. But then I'm like, I also listen to that FiveThirtyEight podcast. And sometimes they'll just have someone call in on a phone and it sounds awful. And you can barely hear.

That's such a big podcast. And there's so much infrastructure in that company. Yeah. And someone's just recording into a cell phone. How many fingers am I holding up? Four. Fuck. Why would I keep that in? Now I'm How many fingers am I holding up? Four. Fuck. Why would I keep that in?

Now I'm fucking with you. If we're in the same room. That's right. You know, it's a good bit. It's like, how many fingers am I holding up? And I'm holding up four. And then you say four. And then I bring in my other hand into frame.

And I go six. You idiot. Oh, that reminds me of that Jake and Amir joke that I still like, that we came up with so long ago. You say, does anyone have any gum? And everyone says no. And you say, wrong, I do. That is a good twist. That's a good thing for a job interview sketch.

Do you have any gum? Or does anyone here? I guess you wouldn't say that. If it's only two people. It could be for like a group interview. Yeah. Or they made it to the, like the board of directors,

the seminar video that we watched with Jeffrey now on our Patreon. That could have been a good thing. I stand up at the front. Does anybody have any gum? Uh, no. Wrong. I do kick two people out.

Yeah. The beginning of that video is so funny to me. Still. We're just like trying to get that, bait that guy into talking shit about the seminar. I don't know. I'm kind of interested in it. Wow. I like these things.

Contrary to what this guy just said, I'm pretty good or whatever it is. All right. So what should this person do? Bring it up. I forget what we were talking about is how do you break the news that you don't like Magic the Gathering? Just bring it up in the moment. You don't have to break the news. Next time he's talking about it, come clean.

Sorry, I really don't understand anything about Magic the Gathering. I don't know if I care enough to actually learn. What if you spin it as like, I don't want you to waste your time telling me all this stuff because I don't know anything. I feel like I don't want you to waste your time telling me all this stuff because I don't know anything. I feel like I don't want to waste your time rather than like, I don't give a shit nor do I have the capacity to care.

Yeah, that's nice. There it is. That's ultimately our advice. Come clean in the moment. What am I pointing at now? The seat. Really? Your chair.

Yeah, you were pointing at it. I guess maybe your ass. Yeah, my ass, I was going to say. Okay. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back with more questions and answers after this. Happy 2019.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any whoa i didn't even know i was playing that version damn and there was no mom i'm coming no there isn't that guy i guess somebody submitted a different alt, the Mario version, which we might have played once

and then when I looked on my computer, I accidentally played that one. But it's a fun little alt. It's a fun ditty. Why don't you guys send in some more of those? We're looking at you,

TV theme song guy. Anywho, yes, I do and I think everyone should buy a National Parks Pass. What are you making cash on the side?

Working with the government trying to sell parks passes? What coupon code do you use? You go to jakeherwitz.com slash parks pass you can buy the Jake Herwitz National Parks Pass. It doesn't get you any into any national parks. But you can just park on my ass. Anytime you see me.

How about you park on my ass? Actually now I know your line because jakeherwitz.com is a domain name that is for sale. You still didn't pull the trigger on it. Yeah, well, the price keeps on going up. They want two fucking grand for it. They're raking me over the goals of this shit. There was a time when it was $500 and I thought that

was too much. And then like a year or two went by and I was like, fuck it. I'm still thinking about it. I should just do it. And then the price went up to $2,000. I want to just talk to the guy that owns it. Be like, no one is buying it from you but me, and I'm not going to spend that cash. This is like since I own Amir on Instagram, I get various DMs every now and again from rich Persian people named like Amir something else.

They're like, it's my birthday. I will buy this for you for $5,000. I will buy it for $10,000. Have you had an offer for $10,000? I think so. But one, I'm afraid to do it because I'm afraid of all my followers going to them or not doing it correctly.

And two, I don't know how to give these random strangers my bank account information to give me cash. I guess I should say, hey, give me the money and then I'll give it to you. But then like, I don't know. They're definitely like... Maybe I'll do it when I retire. Like when I'm out of the game entirely.

You can have my Instagram name and all my followers. Yeah, yeah, you should wait. I mean, by then it'll be worth way more too. Would my followers get mad at me if I sold my Instagram account and now you're following some random person? I don't think they could get that mad because it's so easy to unfollow. Yeah. Okay, anyway, parks pass. Oh, yeah. I think it's like maybe 80 bucks, and it's good for an entire year from the day that you buy it.

So it's not like it's too late to get it well i guess now it's also the early part of the year but you could wait till the summer until you're traveling more and then how much is it to get into one park it depends on the park but it's it's like it can be like 20 30 bucks so basically if you go to a national park three times an entire year yeah it's worth it just on my road trip alone my national park park staff earned earned itself so do you buy it online or do you buy it at the park you can buy it at the park so if you're like hesitant to pull the trigger you can just wait and see like when you're going to a national park you can get it right then and there and then do is it a laminated

card with your photo on it? I'll show you mine. Or is it like a plastic anonymous card that just says Parks? It's a plastic card. You can actually, and you can have two people, you put your signature on the back. I see. And you can have two people sign it. It looks like a gift card. So you could split it with a friend that's traveling too.

Oh, that's right. Like you could sign the back of this and you could have taken it to- Grand Canyon, gotten it for free. And it's not just national parks. I got into Red Rocks National Conservation Area, which is like a little hiking and climbing area in Las Vegas. So let me ask you this. You like to keep your wallet light and lean. Are you keeping that card in as like a cool little thing that I have?

Like, look at this. I have an annual parks pass. No. God, no. As soon as – Yeah, I see an annual parks pass? No, God, no. As soon as... Yeah, I see you're shredding it right now. I haven't unpacked in my new place yet. But when I, once like, my little boxes are out on my dresser, this card goes in there. And it comes out when I travel. Got it. When I go to a national park. So my wallet is very light, very lean lean so would you say that's the least used card right now in your thing um i actually maybe maybe our head gum business card is less useful is yeah that's what that's

the least used card in my wallet yeah i think the least used card in the history of the world is your head gum business card. What the fuck do you mean? Like, when do you ever tell anyone? Like, who would, no, you would never meet with anyone of value. Like, I can't imagine you taking any meeting, let alone one that someone would actually give a shit about who you are. My business credit card. Or like. Like for, like if I took the interns out to lunch.

That's cool. Or if I like needed to order like a SD card. Sorry about that. But you like, you just like said some really good things. No, I was just saying like how I shouldn't have a fucking nobody. I was going to be like. Right.

You were going to say that or you did? You said I would never meet with anybody. And then like, I guess like by way of apologizing, you said I'm a fucking nobody. I'm sorry that I implied that you're, no, who would want to meet with you? You didn't imply that.

You said it outright. No, I was saying who would want to meet with you. You didn't imply anything. You're saying, I'm saying you're a loser. It was absolutely overt. You are a loser.

Is what I'm trying to say. That's exactly, this is what you were doing. Yeah. Yeah. So you like back away and then you like, you back away from the edge, and then you run back up to it. Sorry about that. But you're a fucking nobody. I know.

I know you think that. And I know you are that. You are that. Yeah. What? Well, you just wait and see. What? You just wait and see.

What are you talking about? You made a very powerful enemy. Who? Marty? You just wait and see. What are you talking about? You made a very powerful enemy. Who? Marty? You insult HeadGum, you insult Marty Michael. And I use his business card because we basically look alike. And the email address is so worn that people can't really see what it says. For a while, the HeadGum business card did have an email address that did not work.

Yeah. Because you never set it up. It's just generalsalesatatnt.net. Headgum at AOL.com. That's me. All right, let's get back to some questions and answers over here. Our bread and butter. Cuckoo.

It's 2019, but you know what? People are still in desperate seek of our guidance. Oh, here we go. Desperate seek. An English and creative writing major. A lady. We'll call her Emily Dickinson. Nice.

I'm an English major and a creative writing minor, and this is my last year at university. Recently, I ran into my middle school bully and crush at a poetry reading held by my college is it one person or is it two different people that happened to be there the bully and the crush he asked me to sit next to him and we had a decent conversation he then confessed that he wrote short fiction and offered to email me some of it later later i told him that he could send me some of it later. Later, I told him that he could send me some stuff and I would give him feedback. He sent me his story and it was literal shit. My question is, should I be the bigger person and tell him it's fine? Or should I take advantage of his shit writing and have my revenge?

He was awful to me in middle school, even though he knew I had a crush on him. He made fun of my acne and fat shamed me until I starved myself. The thing is, I'm doing fine now. So do I really want to get into this middle school shit again? Love the show, and I'm coming to see you guys live for the third time in D.C. in March. Thanks for the reminder. Hell yeah. Tickets still available for our D.C. show. New York show almost sold out, but tickets for D.C., March 9th, New York, March 7th at jakeandamir.com.

Wow, this is hard. Do you know what? You know, this happened to me. What? At College Humor. Your bully slash crush? Well, he wasn't my crush, but it was a kid that bullied me in middle school,

sent me, well, sent a like an intern application to the general uh email which i was in charge i was in charge of hiring interns wow um i think it was like 2010 or 2009 and a kid who i would he wasn't like a relentless bully I don't think it sounded as bad as this, but like he bullied me for like a month or two to the point where I was afraid to ride the bus after school because he might say something to me. So you were afraid that he would say something to you. What would he say to you that would make you not want to ride the bus? It's so small now, but when you're, he would call me gay.

No. You're joking, right? There's nothing wrong with it, obviously. Naturally. But when you're 12, that's like somebody called gay on the bus. I'll fucking walk to school. How's that for straight? I don't care that it's 12 degrees out.

But I mean, it's like, it's not like just the idea. Obviously, it's not the idea of being gay was so bad to me that I hated him. It's people laughing at you. Yeah. And I was like a new kid. And I did like this guy was going to make fun of me on the bus and make everybody hate me and made me have no friends anyway. I,

so yeah, it was, it was miserable. And then he sent in an intern letter, uh, and he like even dropped my name. It's like, like I think Jake works there.

I used to go to middle school with him or I went to high school with him or something like that. Um, and I thought about what, like what I should do and the way, so I'm like, I was sort of in her position. Um, and where I came down on it was just to treat it exactly like I treated every, every intern letter. By saying, sorry, you can't work here. You're gay. You're the gay one. You can't work here now. How's that?

And then he sued you for gender discrimination. I think I actually ignored it because we got so many emails and we only contacted, there was like an auto response and we only contacted the people who we were going to bring in for an interview. So you took the high ground. Yeah, he didn't have any relevant experience because the funniest thing he ever did was call me gay in seventh grade. Okay, you're hired. That's actually pretty good stuff.

You Raz Hurwitz, I heard. That was Streeter, right? That's right. That's how he got his job, became your boss, and then bullied you again. Where's your bully up to now? I have no idea. That's a good TV show. We should try to sell that as, like, connecting bullies with nerds

now. Oh, yeah. I think most bullies have no idea the effect that they have. Yeah. Like, they don't even know that they're a bully. I think for the most part, I know at least my bully did not just tease me. Right. Like, they don't even know that they're a bully. Because they didn't, I think for the most part, I know at least my bully did not just tease me.

Right. Because there were days when he would ignore me because he was teasing other people. That's right. For him, he just thought he was funny and cool. Right.

He's like, oh yeah, I tease everybody. I called everybody gay. I called you gay. I called him short. It was funny. Yeah. But like, for the,

for real, it was not. It ruined so many people's uh so so yeah i think yeah bullies they probably do all need a reality check like this this guy has no idea that he uh made gave this girl an eating disorder right and he should know you should feel bad about that and you should apologize for it yeah but like it would a show where like a bully is like kind of like now turned into a nobody be too sad or like would it be too sad if he became like the ceo of a fortune 500 company i think to make it an interesting show you'd find bullies in all of their different walks of life yeah probably some that are doing terrible there's probably some that are fine there's some that are doing terrible. There's probably some that are fine. There's some that are happy. There's some that are like absolutely killing it.

There's some that have like totally turned a corner and feel like they do feel remorse for what they did in high school. So the show is called High Hater by Hater or something like that. High Haters. So we see, we re-meet these bullies 30 years, 20 years, 15 years, 10 years later, follow their path, how they turn out.

And then it could be like a moral, like a, what's it called? There could be a good message behind it because it's like, hey, don't be a bully or you'll turn out this way. Unless the people all turned out successfully. I wonder if any development executives from TLC listen to our podcast. They must, right? Yeah. So if you're listening, email me. It is generalsalesataolatheadcome.com. I finally set it up.

It's inquiriesatcomcast.net, advertising opportunities at Verizon. So I would say this girl should give this guy feedback like you would anybody else. That's like the high, the high ground. Right. You don't have to be like, your writing is good. Unless you don't just like,

don't even want to deal with them. In which case be like, Hey, this is great. Bye. But do you treat bullies like somebody who was asleep and did something to you? Like that was a different person.

We can't get mad at you. Or can you be like, no, you're still the same little asshole. So watch me be mean to you. I think you can't think of them as the exact same like they're not frozen in time they've had a life and experiences and a whole bunch of shit happened to them you don't know like what made them be a bully in the first place either yeah what if it was a sad thing and then it's like now you're

bullying them even harder than they bullied you because their father was abusive and this is how they don't bully is worse than being a kid bully of course adult bullies clearly worse than kid bully i don't think that you have to forgive this guy for what he did but i don't think you have to i don't think that your comeuppance will feel good but it would feel good because it was actually bad like the comeuppance would be like if it was great writing and she's like, by the way, this is the worst piece of drivel I've ever read. And trust me, I'm a creative writing minor. I know bad writing and this is bad writing. But since it's actually shitty, she could take the moral high ground, which is giving him super honest, blunt feedback and the low ground by sort of railing into this guy's shitty piece

of writing. She can have her cake and eat it too. Right. You could give him honest, critical feedback that might hurt his feelings, but also might make him a better writer. A hard truth that he needs to hear. That's right. It's bullying, but for a purpose. Bullying with a cause.

And you could argue also that that is the nicest thing you can do because you might make him a better writer. But I just don't think you need to be like, hey, this writing sucks. Give up. No, yeah. Don't say give up. But should she say, P.S., your bullying in middle school gave me an eating disorder? You could.

I mean, it really depends. Might as well put that back on him. There's also the underlying aspect that she had a crush on him so like there's some part of this that like maybe there's like a romantic twist that this could take oh so if you actually want to give him creative writing advice then maybe meet for coffee and then tell him that his teasing gave you an eating disorder see how he reacts maybe he's like apologetic and feels awful. Maybe he's changed. And then you guys live happily ever after.

That's cool. It's possible. It's probable. It's likely. Alright, so here's the thing to prove that we're both in the same room. Ready? Yeah. I'm gonna take... Put your mic away from your mouth and I'll put it away from mine too. And now I'm yelling.

Right. In theory, you can hear it from both mics. Oh. But how would they know that it's coming through both mics? They wouldn't. So never mind. Mics go back. What a waste.

And you said I'd never make any important business connections. Oh, here's one way to do it. We'll say, okay, here it is. Editing episodes that are recorded remotely take time. So what I'll do is prove that we're recording Monday at 11, 15 a.m. Oh, because this episode is going to be up by like noon. That's right. So it's like I obviously couldn't have enough time to edit all the stuff that I wanted to

edit in. Right. So we have to find the most breaking news imaginable. Okay. Maybe we should do it at the end of the episode. We'll answer one more question. And then most breaking news. And then upload this right away to prove that, in fact, we were in the same room at the same time.

Cool. Is there news that would be so crazy that we, like, would not release the podcast? Oh, like a nuclear bomb just went off in San Francisco. No, that would be perfect. Your family would be dead. Awesome. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

So let's say that. There was a nuclear attack. There was it. Really? All right, so we'll find something else then. Is it like an hour ago? All right, don't look yet. Here's a classic dude question.

So why don't we call this guy Fabio, who's just a classic dude. He's anything but classic. Where is Fabio nowadays? Anyway, hi, Jake the Mirror, my two favorite coy Jews. I'm in desperate need of your sage advice. This morning, my wife shared with me that she had a threesome dream with us and one of my best friends from med school.

My wife has never had a dream like this before. Usually, they're darker, like bears attacking her family. But I digress. My best friend in med school, she's a girl, is really cool with both of us and we all often hang out. I was comfortable telling her about my wife's dream, with my wife's permission, of course. When I told her the threesome dream, my best friend verbatim said, that's hot. I love your wife. It was in this moment that I knew I had an opportunity. I casually dropped this conversation to my wife and my wife said if she would have a threesome with anyone, it would be my best friend.

Jake, please help me make this a reality. How do I broach this topic? Should we all get dinner? Should I send nudes? How do I not mess this up, this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity up? Amir, have you ever had a threesome? How do you even begin to plan something like this? Any advice you could give would be, would give my ham moment would be very much appreciated. Toe, da, love, Fabio.

Great question. Have you ever had a threesome? I've not. And I resent the accusation like, I obviously haven ever had a threesome? I've not. And I resent the accusation like I obviously haven't. But you have not. I have not. Obviously. Obviously so. But I still don't like the question like, oh, Amir, you probably haven't had a threesome, right?

Yeah. And I haven't. I wasn't even asked. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't. Obviously. Obviously.

But I don't want it to be like an obvious thing. Yeah. I want you to look at me and be like he may or like I want it to be a coin flip well he asked so it wasn't obvious

yeah but he asked in a way that was like I obviously hadn't because I hadn't it was sort of like a joke oh yeah by the way Blumenfeld you ever have a threesome

and it's like no but it's not out of the realm of possibilities that I had had one right well it is and that's what I resent

right no I mean I'm surprised have you ever had sex not sex out of the realm of possibilities that I had had one. Right. Well, it is. And that's what I resent. Right. No, I mean, I'm surprised. Have you ever had sex? Not sex, but I've masturbated a shit ton. To threesomes, by the way. To three's company, by the dubs. So here's what I suggest.

Don't put too much pressure or stock into it. I don't know about the sending nudes thing. Of course. That seems too much. What you want to do is wait for a moment where it's naturally going to sort of like the seeds of it. Like they say they go out often. It seems like it has to be a going out often situation. And then you can casually like it's almost like putting a little match onto a gas situation. Yeah.

But the gas needs to be there. You have already done the absolute max that you should do. And I think you might have done one thing too much. Which was telling them about it? Which I guess like, I don't know what his relationship is with his best friend. But I could imagine that would make someone uncomfortable. Yeah. But she did say that's hot.

I love your wife. So with that done, what's the next step? I feel like the seed is planted. Every party knows about the other. Your wife planted the seed with you. You planted the seed with your friend. Your friend planted the seed back with you, which you then planted with your wife. Everything is known.

The seeds are planted. And now you don't want to overwater. That'll destroy the plant. So just all this plant needs right now is space and time. It is a desert cactus. Let it sit in the sun. And don't touch it. We'll see what happens. Let the natural order of things take.

Because there could be a point where you tip it too much, water it too much, as you say, and then it becomes not sexy, not cool, not exciting. It's a soggy, little cactus. The more you talk about it, the less exciting it becomes. Yeah. But you guys go out a lot. So just know the seed is planted and go out. But definitely don't all get dinner. No dinner.

No dinner. No dinner. No nudes. Drinks. Drinks are good. Other people there too. Yeah. Groups.

Groups. Groups. Strangers. Drinks. Dancing. Fun times. there too yeah groups groups strangers drinks dancing fun times it's hanging out has to be fun and light and easy for anybody to want to take it to the next level like this is good we'll keep going you don't ever want to sit down to a formal dinner where you share a folder of nude photos so you guys know why I brought you here today. The dream in question. You had the dream.

You said the dream was hot. And you said if you were going to do it with anybody, it would be you. Am I correct? Sprinklers go up. Oh, shit. Everybody run. Wet t-shirt contest. All right.

A threesome seems to be a very fragile thing. Don't touch it or it'll break it is a butterfly uh what percentage chances would you give this threesome to happening i think any threesome has like a five percent chance of happening that's pretty high that's why they are magical yeah that's why they call them a threesome why why is that because it's a three percent chance well i said five percent really but all right so let's re-record that if we were not in the same room we would that's exactly right all right let's find some breaking news i'm talking i'm going to twitter right how about somebody's tweet the newest tweet in your timeline that could be considered news.

Who's the most famous person you follow on Twitter? What's the most recent tweet? The most recent tweet I see on Twitter is... This is so useless. This is a nothing game. It really is. This is a no one exercise. All right, here's news. This is from yesterday.

Yeah, you got to refresh Twitter. Like Twitter doesn't always show you. 32 minutes ago. How about your latest gram? Okay. This is 27 minutes ago. 15 minutes ago. It's too long.

Yeah. There's not breaking news this second. Of course. What we have to do is stay on the line until news breaks. And once it does, we'll prove to everyone something that they probably already... Right.

The other interesting thing is that everybody believes us. Yeah. So we're just... At this point, I no longer believe it because I've been talking about it so much I'm starting to think you're not in the room. Here we go. Simon Molloy, which was retweeted, some journalist, tweeted two minutes ago,

The fact that the White House is already lying about the speech feels like a compelling case to end deliberations about whether to carry the speech. I'm not really sure what speech they're talking about. We just know that Simon Molloy tweeted this two minutes ago at the time of recording. I believe Trump wants to do a nationally televised speech about the government shutdown of the wall. Oh. So maybe if, well, I guess that doesn't really mean anything. All right. That's what you guys have to know.

Simon Malloy's Twitter. Nobody's going to read, listen to this super fast anyway. What a complete and utter waste of time. And a really unnecessary shout out to a Simon Malloy, who I don't even know on Twitter. What if we find out that he's like alt-right and we just gave this guy a lot of publicity? This was a complete and utter waste of time. A pointless and meaningless exercise. Five stars.

All right. Thanks so much for listening. Happy 2019. We are weak. We are feeble. We apologize. We're all going to die. And that's a good thing

we used Dear Lincoln as the opening theme song and this closing one was written by a Swede Martin from Sweden as Johnny Cash cover send those theme songs

send those questions send everything to if I were you show at gmail dot com I'm about to post something on Instagram stories that'll prove once and for all that I photoshopped me and Jake in the same room together. So you could check it out there. Thanks. And we'll be back next week. Ciao. I'm in a sticky situation all the time And I'm in dire need of help and good advice

My last resort will be to ask these Jewish guys Jake and the shmoo What should I do? My last resort will be to ask these Jewish guys Jake and the Shmoo, what should I do? My girl found out I had a mistress on the side I took my friend's dog for a walk but then it died My mom discovered all the porn I tried to hide Jake and the shmoo What should I do?

I'll email you If I were you If I were you Show.com That was a HateGum Podcast.