Segments - 367: Nephew's Haircut

Episode Date: January 28, 2019

In this episode we discuss DND, DDR, and Amir's previous lives.For more If I Were You, check out our Patreon page!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only Hanging out, eating some nuts under a duck nest The boy had no toys, his mother had a say Suicide at Starbucks, cause I couldn't get laid Well I know I'm not the stunt that you swiped on on Tinder Jason is a pumpkin and I knew in October I'm here to behave, Gameboy needs to save

I'll always listen up until my grave I just wanna cheese the cheese If I were you, the podcast show Never follow Jason's advice If I were you, the podcast show. Never follow Jake's advice. If I were you, the podcast show. It starts now. Now, now, now, now, now, now. Remember that time Jake admitted that he fucked Amir's feet with Vaseline?

That was pretty good. Whoa. Whoa, I didn't do that. What did it say? Remember the time Jake has admitted that he fucked Amir's feet with Vaseline? Oh, I think, yeah, I think he used coconut oil, right? Yeah, dude. I would never use Vaseline.

It's too name brand. We would never throw them that book. It's not organic enough. That was a fat lip cover, obviously. Yeah, dude. Fucking dope. I love that shit. Well done.

He says, he usually does rap, but if you want to check me out, find me on SoundCloud under the name. Oh, my God. This is a bad name. I can't even begin to understand how to say this, how to spell it. Let's see. It's hard to look at, and it's hard to speak it. Wow. All right, give it a shot.

They Wild spelled T-H-Y W-Y-L-D Wait, T-H T-H-Y W-Y-L-D Thy wild? Thy wild? They wild? The wild?

The wild. Thy wild. Thy wild. Oh, thy wild. Thy wild? But T-H-Y Sorry, T-H-A wild. Oh, thy wild. Thy wild. Yeah. But T-H-Y. Sorry, T-H-A-Y. Oh, never mind. T-H-A-Y-W-Y.

Y-W-Y is the hard combination, I think. Wait. Y-W-Y in the middle. Thy wild. Yeah. I like that. That's a cool name. It's tough to spell. It's tough to

It's tough to spell it that way. But if you see it I think that's cool. T-H-A-Y-W-Y-L-D is his name on SoundCloud. Shout out to They Wild. Alright. Not a bad name.

Great song. He usually does rap so check him out on SoundCloud. Have you ever been inspired to submit an actual theme song to this and like, maybe try to like sneak it under it? Like a pseudonym?

No. You think you could do that? Yeah, I could. Because we can record it here using our mics and then you would just need what the instrumental version of songs. And then I would play a guitar, dude, because I'm actually a musician. What's that? I would do like a music, like a cover band parody thing, like Hootie and the Blowfish.

Yeah. You and me. That's good. We come from different worlds. So far it's the same. Yeah, well, yeah. So like your version would be a different. You get so mad at me when I play Tinder with the girls.

God damn it. Can I stay at your place tonight what was that you threw that in yeah no i need so i as you know i'm visiting los angeles this week um and i need a place to crash what happened where happened? Where did you sleep last night? So since I've been here, I landed and I stayed. I hotel tonighted at the Standard. No, not the Standard. The Ace. The Standard was a little standard, so you wanted to get an Ace room at the Ace. I had an Ace up my sleeve. Nice. So I stayed at the Ace, and that was pretty nice. It was pretty Ace, if you know what I'm talking about. And then the next night, I stayed on your pull-out sofa. Right.

Which was, compared to the ace, obviously dog shit. But it was cheap. It was jack. And it was nice. Yeah. It was cheap because I didn't have to pay for anything. Right. And you got me dinner.

I got you dinner that you never paid for. Which I didn't pay you for. So that's completely. Everything else was on the house. It's completely free. And no valet because I just parked, as you saw, I i just parked as you saw i parked a little on my front yard yeah oh yeah and yeah your tire was like spinning out on like a few of my succulents and it was um so that was so that was like decent um and then the next night i stayed at murph and emily's

which was lovely uh why lovely for them and then spread. Left out a spread for me. I got you dinner. You didn't pay for the dinner. You didn't pay. Yeah, I didn't pay. You got me a bunch of takeout that you just put on the counter. I had to feed myself. Not on the counter.

Emily actually made a bounty in the morning. There's coffee, there's English muffins, there's peanut butter, there was cereal, fruit. Sorry, I left before you woke up. A true bounty. It was beautiful. Laid out a towel for me in the guest room. There was cereal. Sorry. I left before you woke up. A true bounty. It was beautiful. Laid out a towel for me in the guest room.

Yeah. There was a towel in the bathroom for you. In the bathroom. I don't even know if it was clean or not. Of course it was clean, yeah. All right. So I'm just saying it was nice. I'm saying I liked Emily's. This all ends with you requesting to stay.

And then I'm getting there. Last night I stayed at the Line Hotel. Very nice. Very choice. The Line was stayed at the Line Hotel. Very nice. Very choice. The Line was fine. The Line was more than fine. The Standard was standard, the Ace was Ace, and the Line was more than fine. Yes.

And lo and behold, now I don't have anywhere to stay. I could pay for another hotel. What? Yeah, why not? The Line is fine. I have to do laundry. I have laundry that I have to do. I'm here for seven days.

I only brought five pairs of underwear. So you know I have to do laundry. have laundry that I have to do I'm here for seven days I only brought five pairs of underwear So you know I have to do laundry I'm out of socks I'm on my last pair of socks today So I gotta do laundry So I need to come to your house I need to do the laundry there I need to sleep there And you want the dinner and you want the breakfast, right?

I won't say no if you want to grab dinner again Grab dinner means like two friends hanging out grabbing dinner you mean me grab dinner if you can yeah well i don't you grab it you like grab an apple on your way out you don't grab dinner okay because your girlfriend called it in yeah but it was your order you gave her an order like you ordered her that's like just right off the bat you you ordered her to order you things. And you picked it up. And I picked it up and I paid for it.

You did 50% of the work. You paid for it too, which is nice. But don't feel like, don't be like, oh, I ordered dinner. Like Avital ordered the dinner. Yeah, she ordered the dinner. I paid for it and picked up the dinner. You told Avital to order. She called it in.

Yeah. She called it in. What did you do? I think I, I, I think I... You ate it. I cleaned everyone's dinner up, but not everyone's dinner. You threw your plate into the sink. It almost broke. You threw the plate into the sink.

So I did a trick because it didn't break. So I did a trick for Avital to entertain Avital. And tonight, what would you need? Do you need another hotel? No, I don't need a hotel. I need to do laundry at your house. And then where do you need to sleep? I need to sleep on the pullout or the master.

I would prefer sleeping on the master. Of course you sleep. You prefer to sleep in my bed. You prefer to kick me out of my bed and to sleep in my bed. If I could sleep in your master, that'd be nice because it has the en suite. It has the en suite. It has the patio. This all started with you trying to slip in it has it has the patio this all started

with you trying to like slip slip in a little request at the end of a hoodie in the blowfish parody you and me squirrels yeah yeah and then so yeah if i could stay at your place that'd be nice that'd be great and then where's tomorrow pokey for uh dinner like a pokey bowl yeah and then where's tomorrow tomorrow i'll go a pokey for dinner, like a pokey bowl. Yeah, and then where's tomorrow? Tomorrow I'll go back to the Ace. Just, let's start the loop back again. Yeah. Ace, Murph and Emily's, and then

my place again if necessary. Right. Well, I guess that'll be on Sunday. It depends when I go back to New York. Maybe that'll be Sunday. Maybe that'll be Monday. I'm excited. Alright, cool. I'm glad we didn't figure it out, but you got your formal request in. What do you mean? I need to do laundry.

Where else do I do it? A laundromat? Like a coin-op? No. Yeah, there's one in Echo Park, I think, on like Sunset. It's like Londo World. Yeah, I know where Londo World is. There's a Starbucks inside. I used to go there in the mornings when we livedo, Londo world. Yeah. I know, I know where Londo world is.

There's a Starbucks inside. I used to go there in the mornings when we lived on Lafayette. Yeah. I'm floored that you would even suggest that I go to a coin operated laundromat. It's like really steamy in there. Like it gets like steamy. You have a washer dryer at your house. You're not,

not using it. Even if you don't want me to sleep over it, at least let me come by and do the laundry. At least let me drop it off. Yeah, order your dinner, pay for your dinner. Yeah. Let's start the show at the very least. We've just spent close to 10 minutes discussing where you'll be sleeping

tonight. I'm glad that we've landed. We haven't landed. We haven't landed. We have landed. What you should have been like. I put in a formal request? Yeah. Is there a world where my request gets denied? Is there a world where it gets accepted? What are you talking about? I'll sleep at your mother's house then.

She'll do my laundry. She'll be glad to. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And? I'm Jake. Hi. Yeah, sorry about that.

Recording this episode before my birthday, releasing it after my birthday. By the time you hear this, I'll be a 36-year-old. 36? How do you feel about being 36? That one feels like a big threshold to cross to me. It seems less than the threshold between 34 and 35. Yeah, 35 is kind of like squarely yeah because like 29 to 30 30 is a big one 31 to 30 is less than 29 to 30 yeah 31 to 32 is maybe more than 30 to 31 because 30 and 31 are kind of similar. Interesting. 32 to 33 versus 31 to 32.

I think that's bigger because that's mid thirties. Yeah. 33 to 34 is less than 32 to 33 because 33 and 34 are both like mid thirties before 35. 34 to 35 bigger than 33 to 34. Definitely. Yeah. So now I'm like at the less than big of a one, 35 to 36. I see.

Interesting. But 36 is like, I guess 36 still feels like prime male age, but 37 for some reason. Yeah, 37 will be big big 37 will basically be 40 yeah it almost feels older than 40 on the on the ear to me yeah i'm 37 oh that's pretty old 40 oh so you're like you're newly 40 yeah that's not i guess it depends on like where you're what your milestones are though because like you're not married no kids no real career to speak of well at 36 that's kind of depressing but like i've been focusing on in a way i've been like trying to then you look at somebody like me who's like married doing amazing in hollywood and then i'm only 33 and it's like oh wow this guy really

has his shit together this guy's like shit to get up up and up. Why are you on the up and up, but I'm over the hill? I don't know. I feel like True TV passed on your pilot. They passed on your pilot. I wrote a pilot by myself? I don't think so. Yeah, with me. Career-wise, very similar.

It's pretty cool that I wrote a pilot. You have to sleep at my home today. I don't have to sleep there. You're homeless today. I don't think it makes more sense if I sleep there. You're out of socks. As long as I'm coming over there. You're out of socks.

I'm out of socks. As long as I'm coming over to do laundry. You're talking about a 33-year-old. You don't have a place to sleep tonight. I might as well sleep over, don't you think? I might as well sleep there if I'm going to be there doing laundry and having dinner. Fine, I'll sleep at a hotel unless I get sleepy while I do laundry. Undoing the bed at 6.45 p.m.

Just in case. I had a list of questions to answer, but now there's a question staring at me that I haven't read, but the subject line feels so good, I want to almost read it blind on this podcast. It's called Nephew's Haircut. It's kind of a unique, cool-sounding question.

Very much so. Do you have a nephew's name? I don't have any nephew. What about your aunt? Oh, no, this guy's an uncle. What about your uncle's name? All of my uncles are named John. Okay, so we'll call this guy John.

This guy has to deal with his nephew's haircut. I don't know what kind of question you would have with his nephew's haircut. I don't know how, what kind of questioning you would have about your nephew's haircut, but let's find out. Ready? Hey guys, I have a problem. I would like your help with.

So my big sister's sister is a hairdresser and she has two wonderful sons. I love them all, but she has gotten to them, she has gotten them a horrible haircut. See attached photo. There's no photo. One of them looks like a godless tractor lesbian, and the other one has lightning down the side.

I mean, come on. It's your profession. How do I tell her she made a mistake? If you are wondering where the photo is, I'm not a douchebag. I won't give my nephew's photos to strangers on the internet. Nice, a twist. Anyway, how do I tell my bitch-ass sister that her son's haircut sucks? XOXO, world's best uncle.

Hmm. Wait, it's just one nephew, right? Yeah. How old is the kid? I don't know. Horrible haircut, lesbian with a lightning. I don't know. Horrible haircut, lesbian with a lightning. I don't know. There's two nephews.

One looks like a, quote, godless tractor lesbian, which I don't know what that is. And the other one has, quote, a lightning down the side. That sounds awesome. Especially if you're a boy. I was just going to say how cool it is to have, like, I feel like young kids with really funny haircuts, like trendy ass, like cool haircuts. It's fun, you know? When I was a boy, like sick, between the ages of six and 10, it seems like there were two kinds of haircuts. There was one that I got, which is just the bowl cut, just like cut it four inches and let it fall like a mushroom. Right. And then the cool kids got spiky hair, gel, short with gel. A second grader, a third

grader using gel. Those are like the kids that got like their ears pierced in like fifth grade i got my ear pierced in third grade is that true that's real you got your ear pierced in third grade in third grade i had my ear pierced an eight-year-old boy and you're like i want my ears pierced my ear pierced I think like me and all my friends like had our ears pierced Eight is really young It is really young It's crazy It's really fucking bizarre

And your dad and your mom said yes I'm like I'm old enough I'm eight I'm already eight Christ mother I waited this long Four years ago I was four I get that

You don't want to give me an earring Yeah So wait so what kind of earring did you get in third grade? I had a stud in my left ear. A gold stud. I was a stud. I was. And then how long did that ear stud stay there? It stayed there for about a year in the ear before it got so infected that I had to get my pus-filled cyst drained. At age nine. As a nine-year-old, as a fourth grader. I had, yeah, I had elective ear surgery, inpatient care.

I had my oil latched. As a fourth grader. And then did you not have an earring in fifth grade? Yeah, I did not have an earring in fifth grade. And then I might have got another earring, pierced it again in sixth grade. Wow. If you had an eight-year-old boy and he wanted his ears pierced, are you going for it? I guess I would probably listen to his reasons.

Yeah. Yeah. All my friends are doing it. I'm eight. I think, I guess it's interesting. I feel like, you know, there's that old saying, like, if all your friends are doing it, like, or jumping off a bridge, would you do it? Yeah.

Like, I think there's some sort, not to the jumping off a bridge, but I think there's something like valid to like, all of my friends are doing it. This will help me fit in at school. Yeah. I would be like, oh, that that's that's a good argument as a third grader okay um so anyway oh yeah i so you i think when i was that age um the the haircuts were um bowl cut long hair no actually i had long hair when I was like third grade. Like down to your shoulders?

Yeah. But then there was one time, I think maybe in like second grade, that I wanted a rat tail. Wow. I really wanted a rat tail. A rat tail and an earring. Hey, the earring's going to have to wait until you're in third grade. And I came home, my friend's mom was like a hairdresser, and I came home from her house, and I had a rat tail, and my mom was really mad, and she made me shave it off.

Wow. So she would abide the earring, but not the rat tail. Wait, you went to your friend's house, and his mom gave you a rat tail? Yeah. Which is basically like a pretty extreme haircut, leaving a really long little tail at the bottom of it. I think I had like, yeah, I had like relatively long hair and she just shaved the back of my head and left the tail.

That seems pretty extreme for a friend's mom to do to a seven year old without your mom's permission. Yeah. That's the suburbs, baby. I want to talk to parents because like when you're a kid, like you go over over your friend's house their parents feed you their parents do this sometimes they give you a haircut i bet there's

lots of drama happening at the top on the parent level that we don't know about yeah did you ever have a friend a friend's dad like just yell at you no not yell but we had like friends that gave us food that we weren't allowed to have. Oh. Like, oh, Amir's mom gives us McDonald's. I'm not supposed to have it, but I'm Amir's mom. Don't tell your mom? Yeah.

That's crazy. You fed my kids stuff that I'm actively trying to keep away from them. Yeah. I had one friend that had a nanny, and the nanny always got us McDonald's and gave us chocolate milk. Like, this place is great. Chocolate fucking milk. But I wonder if my parents were like, don't give my kid. It's like fucking horrified.

Yeah. And now it's like with allergies and stuff. I don't know what the hell's going on. Yeah. Everybody's a fucking snowflake now. I'm going to shave your kid's head. Well, that reminds me of this guy. I feel like you do an uncle trip. Like, hey, can I take the kids to the arcade or

to, like, mini golf or, I don't know, go-karts? What do you do with an eight-year-old? Yeah. I think this is out of the uncle's jurisdiction. I don't think I'm in charge of haircuts. I think it's squarely in the uncle's jurisdiction to fuck with his sister, though. You take the kids out

to fucking the golf range. The driving range. You said this was mini golf yeah we'll fucking take a pitching wedge and smack away there is the like um something in my hometown called the only game in town and it was like mini golf a driving range in an arcade in our cages batting cages yeah go yeah go karts so that's why i and that's exactly where i would take my niece and nephew if they if i had them so you take that on the way back you get them a fucking haircut like how'd you like a mohawk how'd you like a normal haircut whatever you want maybe they'll want this haircut maybe it's like the kids choice well then that's how you find out if the kids want it then you step the fuck back yeah it seems like it's the uncle's job to give him the weird

lightning bolt but if the mom's already doing it yeah i imagine the kid probably wants the cool lightning bolt haircut i like that he said he was gonna send us a picture but then he said i'm not giving you pictures of the nephews that's fair but i imagine them blonde bowl-cutted boys whether you like it or not uh another lady we'll call call this, I don't know, what's your aunt's name? Lisa. Lisa writes, I'm going to be the bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. And while I love the woman he's marrying, I don't really know the other ladies. The wedding party, in the wedding party, I'm the youngest one, 22, so not so weird.

But I feel like they're all friends and I'm only invited because she felt like she had to include me. Luckily, the bridesmaid's dress isn't too expensive, but the bachelorette party is going to cost about $550. I know you hotshots might think like that's nothing, but to put this in perspective, it would be like if you guys had to pay $5,500 for a little wedding. That's right. She's already doing the math that it's like, imagine 10X what it costs. Okay. Needless to say, I'm worried about a lot of things going on.

How do you guys suggest I make it through this potentially awkward hangout with these ladies who are already super close? And how do I not freak out about the money? Love the show. Hope to hear Jake on Twinnovation and Amir on NADDPod sometime soon. Ooh. A double crossover. Should we double crossover her?

Yeah. Double cross her over. Double cross her over, dude. I think the money thing is an easy out because the person you're marrying's sister and your bridal party is a very tricky thing to navigate. It's a thing that you sort of have to do, but I feel like she wouldn't be that disappointed if you didn't come because she's already there with her friends.

You don't necessarily feel like you have to go because they're all friends and you're not. You use the money as an excuse to back out. Her brother's wife. She doesn't know anybody. She's not the same age. She doesn't have the money. 100% back out. You honestly should back out age doesn't have the money yeah 100 back out back out you honestly should back out even if you had the money she invited you out of courtesy and you're saying

much rather be there with her best friends well she is going to be there with her best friends and not have you there 100 she would rather not have you there oh yeah yeah. That's tough love. That is, but that's, I mean, as somebody that has dealt with lots of wedding stuff, like, you invite the significant other's family out of courtesy.

Yeah, out of, like, thank God Jill doesn't have a brother. You kind of dodged that bullet. I would have invited him on my bachelor party

and it would have sucked. But yours, yours, your, and it's kind of weird because they're like closer to the the soon-to-be wife and there's like the bachelor party is supposed to be like getting away from that side of the family yes exactly but you have four sisters how did jill navigate that well jill had a bachelorette party that had like 15 people so were your sisters invited no so it wasn't even the courteous yes and then followed by the courteous no.

Yeah, but it was, I think that was just because it's like, it's already so huge. And I have so many sisters. But I think the move is what we all did, which is like, bachelorette and bachelor parties, totally separate. And then like, do something with them. Like when my sister also got married and my brother-in-law invited me on the bachelor party, wish I could have gone. I didn't.

But I also think that there's definitely a world where him and his friends had much more fun that since I was not there, me and Micah both couldn't go. That's right. And they definitely like did more insane shit because like they didn't have weird brother chaperones. Can we eliminate that as a common courtesy? Could we put that into our society?

Speak it into existence? No more inviting your others, same gender relative? At least not out of obligation. Because you can also picture like... If you happen to be that close. Yeah, but I just... But so close that they're like your best of best friends already? Maybe if there's like a world where you've been with somebody for like 10 years.

So you've like had a decade long friendship with their significant others. Yeah. Or with their siblings. But when me and Micah didn't go to my brother-in-law's bachelor party, we took him out for a night when we were all home in Connecticut. And it was great. So separate from your best friends. Yeah, it was almost like a bachelor party mini,

which I think is really nice. Just make a point to do something like... Diet bachelor party. Yeah. So you take your soon-to-be sister-in-law out for dinner or on some other kind of adventure somewhere get your nails did go to a movie go to a driving for the week a whorehouse club no bergine um Yeah, do something else special. Save the money.

All right, cool. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back, talk some more questions and answers after this. Woo! Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

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Yeah, so I've been using a new app. I hate for this to sound like a sponsored segment, so just know that they're not paying me to say this. Sure. The app... There's money falling out of your phone right now, though. Yeah, that's unrelated. That's just a wallet that I bought.

One second every day, an app that my girlfriend taught me about, you upload a second clip of video every day. And at the end, or, you know, whenever you want, it spits out a little video collage of that chunk of time. I think I'm going to do it for 2019. So far, I'm on day 10. Right now, I got one second every day, it already feels like a fun video diary. I can't wait until Yeah, I've been keeping 10 right now. I got one second every day. It already feels like a fun video diary. I can't wait until, yeah, I've been keeping up with it. I can't wait until like February or June or the end of the year. I'm going to have a second.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I remember that date, that date, that date, that day. It's kind of like an easy diary to keep. You've been wanting to keep a diary for some time. Yeah, but like I felt bad diarying and journaling. And this is a, it's, I'm already taking pictures and videos. I spend at least an hour and a half every night with my journal. Diary, yeah. It is a detailed recap of the day. Yeah. Oftentimes quoting people in full. Yeah, almost like you've been interviewing people about a documentary of your life. I have a bibliography for my diary. Work cited from A a to z thousands of people so this

is just one second you take like a couple second video then you choose the one second inside the video that's right actually i'll take it now i'll take it now because this will be like the oh that day that i talked about one second every day cool uh sorry you can ask me questions while i videotape you what were you asking um what happens to the other part of the video? You basically can delete the source video once you're done with the one second show. Do you delete the source video? I haven't yet, but I have a feeling my... That's taking up a lot of space on your phone, pal.

So let's delete the source video. You're still videotaping me right now. Yeah, that's a 13 second chunk. I'll use one and get rid of the scraps. Well, you won't get rid of the scraps according to you have two weeks worth of 15 to 40 second videos. I'm a vlogger now for lack

of a better term. I just feel like that's really eating up on your storage space, pal. Don't worry. I upgraded my iCloud so I've got 200 gigs just to spend. You upgraded the iCloud but you didn't have to. Didn't have to. I could have deleted videos, photos, and all that stuff. And I kept pushing it, pushing it,

pushing it, and I'm like, alright, fine, I'll pay $2 a month. $2 a month? Yeah. Wow. I won't do it. I refuse to. How big is your phone? I have a very tiny little phone. You can see it's the size of your... iPod Nano. Your pinky nail.

Where'd you get that? That's an iPod Shuffle from 2007. Yeah, the dollhouse store. It is a dinky little phone. What are you rocking on? I got a big one. I have like the...

What's the biggest iPhone? 256 gigs. I think I have that one. 256? Well, wait, I guess I could look it up if you just go to...

Settings. Yeah. I feel like... Actually, I feel like I got the one something. 128. That's more likely. How do I find that out? Oh, about this phone? Yeah. Yeah. Actually, I feel like I got the one something. 128. That's more likely. Where do I find that out?

Oh, about this phone? Yeah. Okay. Settings, storage. This is good stuff. Yeah. Oh, no, I have 217 gigs available. Wow.

So you went for the full big boy, and you could have gotten the little 64 gigs. You would have had more than enough space. Yeah, evidently. It looks like I am using um where does it say how much i'm using well if it's 217 you probably got the 256 and what you're using 36 gigs of data right yep that's that's exactly it yeah yeah downgrade your phone your phone is heavy for no reason it's the opposite of my phone i swimming in videos, and you have a quarter of a terabyte of space. I keep it light.

You're walking around. Yeah, but then you're walking around with an external hard drive. Splinter cell. Don't even get the— I have a transcode full of external hard drives. I can videotape the next two and a half weeks of my life and be good to go. So this could be perfect for you. One second every day. The number one, then S perfect for you. One second every day, the number

one, then S, then E, one second every day. That's my unsolicited advice. I feel like I've never seen you be this sentimental. Take it or leave it. Yeah. That's what my girlfriend said too. It's very sentimental for me. I don't view it as sentimental, but I guess it is. I view it more like I'm already taking pictures and videos. Data storage. Yeah. Data storage, analysis, compartmentalizing, organization, thoughts, feelings, prayers, all in one, ready to go app. Now I can forget about family vacations I've taken. I think it's sentimental.

Because I feel like I go around and when I see new things, I take a picture. Like if you were walking around in a new place and there's an awesome sunset, you take a picture, right? I do that, yes. And then it's on your phone. You hardly ever look at it again. I actually do because I keep my phone so light that my photo app is basically a library. Yeah, but then what are you doing with those old pictures like a sunset from two and a half years ago?

I'll print them out and turn them into a quilt. All right, you're a bad person to ask about this thing. Because, wow, that's really thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll turn it into a quilt. Everything I have gets eventually it into a quilt. Everything I have gets eventually

turned into a quilt. I have all these pictures and videos on my phone and this is like a way to use them in a way. Right. Because otherwise I just dump them

on my computer. I have like 10 years worth of videos and pictures on my computer. I don't know what I'm going to do with. You do, you have so much stuff

on your computer. Do you ever put any of it in an external hard drive? No, I don't. That's crazy. Because I it in an external hard drive? No, I don't. That's crazy. Because I'm not at external hard drive yet. I just get a big computer and I dump it all there. Yeah, it seems almost like that could be a New Year's resolution for you

to sort of categorize all this stuff. And then what do you do with your external hard drive? You put it away and you never really look at it, but it feels good to have your computer be clean of all this stuff i mean that's a ton of shit that's like on your computer that like makes finding things that you need a little hard doesn't it i don't know i just sort of like put it in one like 2000 macbook 2010 to 2015 it's all in one folder so it looks like just a little icon on my desktop yeah i mean that's kind of what an external hundred. It's like a physical manifestation of that folder. Yeah.

But if you need to like find a file on your computer, you're doing like control F and there's like so many files that it has to. Yes. Yeah. 10 years, 15 years. I have college essays on this thing. Yeah.

And they're all really good. Well, here, here's one called the old man in the sea. Well, yeah, let's read the essay that didn't get you into Stanford. It didn't even get into Stanford.

You're going to do that rejection. No, this is actually after that. This is after the rejection. I used it to fuel the fire to fucking get a B-frickin' minus. You wish that you could get into fucking Moravian, dude. What is that? Moravian. Where is Monravia?

Moravian. What is that? It's the seventh oldest college in the nation. It's borderline Ivy League. It was shut down four years ago. It lost its accreditation. It's a teaching college. Why?

Yeah, I guess now it's just a church. Look up Moravian. I'm serious. Why don't you look up Moravian and you see if it's the seventh oldest school in the nation. Yeah, it forwards to Pellacchi University. It's basically Harvard. It's basically Princeton. It's basically Princeton. It was essentially Yale for all intents and purposes.

So Amazon just uses it as a digital storage campus now. They bring old computers there. Okay, well, I also went to Southern. Huh? I also went to Southern, which is basically UConn. Southern University? Southern Connecticut State University. You said Southern.

Fucking Hunter. Huh? I went to Hunter. I went to Hunter. I went to Hunter. Student expelled for exposing himself. That wasn't me. Yeah. He said, I went to Southern.

That happened at the school. I went to Southern. I went to Southern. Look it up. I went to Southern, he said, waving his dick around to and fro at Hunter College. All right. All right. That's enough.

Eugene Lang. Eugene Lang, the new school. University of Phoenix offline. That's right. They sent me books to read. No one went to more college than me. Basically a doctor. That's cool.

Yep. All right. Let's answer some more questions. All right. Ooh. Okay. This one's called A Bit of a Doozy. Okay.

How about somebody you went to college with? Okay, uh, Tim. I like that. Tim writes, I met this girl at work a couple months back and we really hit it off. A week in, I found out that she has three kids, but her ex-husband has come out as gay and was no longer involved. Usually, kids would be a deal breaker, but I wasn't at all put off at the time. Two weeks later, she told me she's now five months pregnant. Then we started making out when I would take her home, and I got really close. She admitted to me that she was pregnant with a second guy, not her ex,

but she had then split up with this guy and left the state, so he's out of the picture too. Apparently after I came into the picture and reminded her what it was like to be treated properly, she told him she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and canceled the plans she had to try to follow him and move with him where he was. A week after that, we had sex and we've only gotten closer. Am I just being a complete moron? Assuming things will work out for the best if I do everything right with

this girl? What would you do if you were me? She's 25 and I'm 23 and all her kids are under 4 in case that has any bearing on anything. Jeez. Four kids, an ex-husband,

and a baby daddy in her. She's 25. Right. Would that discourage you? I don't think so. I've dated girls with kids before.

Really? Yeah. You've dated girls with kids? Yeah. You've gone on dates with girls who had children? Yes. More than one child? I think all of them only had one kid. Okay. Yeah, I think it was always one. Would you say this is not necessarily a deal breaker for you? That's the only way we can answer this question is what

would you do in this situation? I don't know. Because even then I felt like there was some small part of me that was like going on the dates for the novelty and if it ever got that super real i would be afraid got it you don't actually want to be a stepfather of them this guy's only 23 but like i who am i to say to give advice that's like don't follow your heart don't fall in love if you're feeling like you could love this person, I don't think that kids should make you not. Yeah. I think there seem to be other red flags.

For example, the guy that she was told that she would move with because she's pregnant with his child. Yeah, that she was going to move out of the state to be with a guy and then decided on a whim kind of to not do that. But, you know, sometimes there are people that do crazy things all the time and they're too crazy. And then there's sometimes somebody that does something that's like out of character crazy and it all works out for the best. Yeah.

Like this could, her not going to move out of state to be with you might just be the craziest thing that she's ever done and it works out and everything's fine. Yeah. Or maybe she does this kind of thing all the time. And only time can really tell. I don't know. This, for me, this is too much drama, too much backstory. Relationships are hard enough. Now you're dealing with a gay ex-husband, three kids, one more on the way, this guy who thinks she's moving. It just seems like a tough foot to start on. That you are entering a relationship where there will be like half-siblings.

Half-siblings for sure. You're a stepfather to four and two other guys in the picture. Stepfather to four kids who don't all have the same dad. Yeah. Also, you're 25. No, sorry, you're 23. 23. That's pretty young to be a father of four.

Right. But nobody's saying that he has to be a father to the kids. Like, would you say that he shouldn't even, like, see if he loves this person like don't even bother don't even bother seeing if you care about them see that's the thing i don't want to like because maybe this guy's like i don't give a shit about any of that i love this person i want to be with her and i'll be the father to four and then it's like all right go for it buddy

but i wouldn't personally do it but i'm lazy like that well and and you do have a few kids. I have two with one lady and then four with the new missus and then a baby mama. And you're like, I don't want to be a father. I'm an absentee father to six plus the three from the previous. And do you pay the child support and stuff? No. So two of them think I'm dead. Dead, yeah. Two of the kids?

Yeah. This was back when I was amos remember i told you i lived in texas for like eight years i did not i was amos for a spell you moved to texas i had long blonde hair yeah i was i was amos dyed your hair blonde yeah and did the fingertips thing and what do you mean change it i burned my fingertips off just so i'm completely off the grid changed my eye color hair and voice that's when I was Amos. What was Amos' voice like? Amos was a lot like this.

He was kind of like a cool guy. Oh, he had a drawl. Yeah, he had a drawl, and he had seven kids. Blonde. And he drove a car off a freaking cliff. Completely burned the car. And, you know, nobody knows where Amos is now. How many kids did Amos have?

Amos is now. How many kids did Amos have? Amos had nine. He said. He said nine kids. And they were all a little different. Amos Jr. Oh, yeah, I imagine. Jack, Robert. They're all a little different.

Susie and Damon were back-to-backers. Kind of Irish twins in regard. Jack, Ryan, Susie, and Damon. Damon. Damon was the fourth. He of Irish twins in regard. Jack, Ryan, Susie, and Demon. Demon. Demon was the fourth. He kicked a lot in the womb. Jack, is that why you called the baby? There was Nancy and there was Cord.

Cord was a silly fellow. He never knew his daddy. There was Kyan. His daddy was Amos. Kyan and Kieran. They were the twins. Kyan and Kieran. Kyan and Kieran. They were the twins. Kyan and Kieran. Kyan and Kieran.

And lastly, little Twan. T-O-I-N-E. He never knew his father neither. Then I moved to New York and I did the college humor thing. What was the last one, Sam? Twan. The last what? The last kids.

Oh, Twan. Twan? Yeah. His mom was French Polynesian. And none of these kids ever knew their dad. No. Amos was long gone by the time they reached four or five years old. Amos sounds like a real piece of shit.

Amos was a bad guy. So it was after you had Twan, you moved to new york and that was when you started doing prank war stuff with yeah oh yeah so i met streeter that day and i was like i'll be like a jew for a decade are you sure that you're not amos playing amir were you always amir and you had you did amos for a spell no amos was because amos was after andrew so like i was completely different. I know nothing of Andrew. Oh, really?

Well, of course I don't know Andrew. Yeah. So from zero to 18, I was Andrew, a French Canadian queen. Your royalty? From Quebec. In Quebec? Yeah. It was, God, what was Andrew like? I completely forget. That's who you are. Well, you live so much as Amos and then Amir that you sort of forget where you came from.

So I probably have more kids than that. Andy had kids at 18? Andy had two, yeah, as a teenager. So you have 11 kids. What are those two kids named? Oh, four. Andy? Oh, my God.

You're French. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a French Canuck. It was Sydney, yes, the little girl. And who else? It was Sidney, yes. The little girl. And who else? It was... It's like your kid. Blaget.

Sidney and Blaget. And then at some point you had a kid named Demon. Oh, no. Amos had the friend. Yes, Amos. And does Amir Blumenfeld have any kids? No, it kind of grosses me out to have kids. I don't need the responsibility. I like this one guy the best. Yeah, that's the one that you befriended. And does Amir Blumenfeld have any kids? No, it kind of grosses me out to have kids.

I don't need the responsibility. I like this one guy the best. Yeah, that's the one that you befriended. You never see a Jake in Amos or a Jake in Andrew. I know you do see a Jake in Amos. Yeah, but that's the two Amish guys that sell pickles at certain restaurants. That's right. So this guy's 23.

I say don't necessarily go for it. I'm a little afraid of that situation. And I say proceed with caution. And reverence? I would say you could have some reverence. And? For reference. That's good.

One last questions? Okay. Okay. Okay. 23-year-old girl. We'll call her, I don't know, Fortress. Okay. Yeah. Fortress Wrights.

You are good at naming your children. Fortress Wrights. I'm a 23-year-old girl who just moved across the U.S. to start a job that I've now despised, but I'll spare you the details. And I recently downloaded Tinder, seeing as though I know absolutely no one in the city and I'm very much single. I tend to prefer forming meaningful relationships as opposed to just looking for random guys to hook up with. Unfortunately, the majority of dudes on Tinder solely want to fuck and don't care about anything else. After the endless weeks of swiping, I found a nice, smart mechanical engineer. We went out for lunch one day and all went well, until we started planning our next date.

When I suggested meeting up the following weekend, he said he couldn't due to a DDR convention that he was attending. That's right, DDR, as in the outdated video game Dance Dance Revolution. Apparently, most weekends he drives hours away so that he can compete at live streaming DDR conventions. I found it strange, but I put aside my opinion since he seemed nice enough. However, when we were planning our second date, he suggested going to a trampoline park. Is it just me or is this a weird date suggestion? Anyway, I half-heartedly said sure, since I couldn't say no to his face. And a few days later, he texted me a link to a trampoline park that he wants to take me to, and I haven't responded. I really don't know that our interests are very compatible with one another, but every

guy on Tinder is just some stupid asshole. So what do I do? Do I continue to date this weirdo freak who spends all his time at DDR conventions, or do I just give in to the peer pressure of Tinder and find some odd guy to hook up with? Sincerely, Fortress. I, for me, DDR is a bridge too far. Really? That's a

deal breaker for you. And I play D&D. Can you imagine playing D&DDR? Dance Dance and Dungeons and Dance Dance Revolution. Whoa. So it's Hard1Surefoot playing Twister. He would never.

Huh? He would never. He's too busy saving the goddamn world. Alright, right foot on green. No. Well, then you're going to be eliminated. I swing my hammer at them. That's right. Hard One has a hammer now.

Oh, that's really cool. Yeah, it's awesome. He found it on like a Home Depot or how does that work? Found it at Home Depot. Or like bought it on eBay or some shit.

It was gifted to him. Was it like a little dinky 99 cent hammer? By the great dwarves of the three great dwarven houses. What's that? Plus by Morden.

Yeah, I can imagine him with like a little likeinky hammer being like, ah, ah, ah. It's a king's hammer. When he swings it, does he go like, eh? He's the first human to ever wield it. What's that? Guarded by spirit guardians. I don't know. I was just joking around.

So you're not going to hang a picture with it, okay? I was just fucking around. Yeah, that's not funny? I was just fucking around. I'm just playing around like you do. You're playing around with your friends. Oh, yeah, that's fun. That's fun. Okay. We're playing around. We're playing around. Just don't talk about Hardwon. Okay? Why don't you just keep his name at you, damn mouth? We're having fun.

I'm having fun. I think it's fun when you don't talk shit about Hardwon. Hardwon's just this made-up little goofy guy that you made up. 6'6". Is that small to you? Well, I see you painting his little thing. Right? Isn't that how tall he is? Talk shit about hard ones. Hard one's just this made up little goofy guy that you made up. Six foot six. Is that small to you? Well, I see you painting his little thing, right? Isn't that his outfit? Yeah, well, it knows.

He's like an inch little plastic. He's that little dildo, right? That's a recla. Don't you sit on that little dildo and you say like, look at me now. I'm the hard one or something. No. What? I don't do that at all.

You don't sit on the figure? I don't sit on the figure. How would I sit on the figure? I don't know. It looks like a butt't sit on the figure? I don't sit on the figure. How would I sit on the figure? I don't know. It looks like a butt plug. I'm sorry. Isn't it? Hardwine's a little butt plug, right?

No. No, it's not. Anyway. It's not. Yeah. What were you saying? DDR is nerdy or something? the trampoline thing could be fun i'm down to go to sky park with them it's interesting because i feel like on its own

it's like this guy invited me to trampoline thing is that too lame i'd be like no that could be interesting it's it's It's at least different. Dates are always just the same. Get a drink, get a coffee. So this is different. Yeah, you're jumping around, bouncing around. I feel like you get out of your comfort zone. I also heard that things that are exhilarating like this,

that kind of get those juices flowing in your body, make you form a more meaningful connection to the person that you're with there you go he's like uh it like triggers that sense of euphoria yeah it's good for a date but but then when i hear that it's like part of this guy's overall vibe of like driving really far away for a ddr thing and a trampoline thing. I just don't know. It's funny. The lady with two ex-husbands and four kids and one on the way, you're like, yeah, go

for it. It's like, this guy's a mechanical engineer, super sweet guy, does DDR. And you're like, I don't know. That's a tough one. It's a hard pill to swallow. It's a lot to get yourself into. That's all. I think any passion, despite how quote unquote nerdy it is, is, I don't know, I think that's good.

The worst part is, like, someone who doesn't do anything. I feel like shit. Then you're, like, bored. And it's like, who is this guy? He doesn't do anything. At least DDR is, like, something. Give me something. What if your passions are, like, so, it's, like, it's one thing to be, like, oh, you're passionate about that. That's active. Your passions are like so, it's like, it's one thing to be like, oh, you're passionate about that.

That's cool. But like, if I think your passion isn't, if I'm not indifferent, if I think it's dumb, like that's hard. Yeah. But it also depends, one, what the passion is. This is like an active, it's objectively difficult to be great at DDR. So like, why don't you see him do it and then you might be impressed. Well, I mean, like I'm placed pretty well, but I'm not like a killer. He could be good enough at DDR that she would go to one of these meetups and be like, I actually think you're hot.

Not hot, but you'd be impressed. You'd have to be. Yeah. It feels like you could. It's impressive. He could be good enough. He could be so good that it's unimpressive. That it's a problem.

It's like a bell curve. If you're pretty good at DDR, that's really impressive. And if you're the best in the world, then that's depressive. But it's like doing a Rubik's Cube really fast. Would you be impressed or would you be like, this is lame? Same thing. DDR is even more active because you're dancing around. Maybe he's good at actual dancing.

He's just got to follow the arrows. Well, that's not actual dancing. That's DDR. That's a revolution. You wouldn't get it. I sure wouldn't. I say go for it. This guy sounds a lot better than the fuckboys on Tinder.

Plus, he's a mechanical engineer, so he's a smart dude. Yeah, I'll say go for it, but then also continue going for it in other avenues on Tinder. I think that just because this guy beats all of the other shitheads doesn't mean that he's the one yet. It just means you're getting closer. That's true. It's not just fuckboys or him.

You can dabble. See what else is out there. Plenty of fish in the sea. All right. Thanks so much. That's our episode. If you have your own questions, it's ifireyoushow at gmail.com. If you have your own theme songs,

same email. We're always in need of theme songs. The opening one was the Fat Lip cover. This closing one was written by someone named Tommy Badger. So thanks, Tommy Badger. Thank you. Thanks to the, who wrote the Fat Lip one?

Fat lip. Oh. This was They Wild. Of course. How could we forget? They Wild. Thanks to They Wild. Thanks to Tommy Badger.

Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week as always. Ciao. Woo. always. Ciao. If I were you, I would show you what to do. If I were you, the show starts now. Help me.