Segments - 368: Small Spoon (w/Geoffrey James)

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

Friend and resident dumbass is on the show to discuss puking, peeing, and eating ice cream.Plus our Super Bowl bet!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only If I was you If I was you If I was you

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If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you

If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you

If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you

If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you

If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you

If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you If I was you

If I was you If I was you Lookin' chipmunk on the pod Solvin' problems and eatin' one almond is his job He tries really hard to give good advice Like buyin' BTC before it lost all its price I'm not complainin' cause it's really great to listen to Turn it up, yo, cause it's If I Were You Let's not forget about the other one Jake is his name, no wait, is it hard one? Sure fuck thick of cash, body count with no gun

You know they thinkin' fast, you know it's all fun So, they do this shit together, whatever the weather Yeah, every Monday and it only gets better We'll be right back. in the flesh, fucking up sometimes, taking dubs in the rest. Lights on, checking the mirror in the flesh, fucking up sometimes, taking dubs on the rest. Lights on, checking the mirror in the flesh, fucking up sometimes, taking dubs in the rest. That was Matthew Shenton. His first submission and he has nothing to plug. So please tell everyone to subscribe to Pootie Pie on YouTube. Jeffrey, your thoughts? So, he plugged a different creator. That's right. Who's had a lot of issues. Tarnishes his name almost. Actually, his name is Matthew with one T. Ever heard of that? Ever seen that before? I think that's a typo, bud. No, because it's Matthew in the email, M-A-T.

And then he said, cheers at the end, M-A-T. Two typos. And then also in the body of the email, it says Matthew with one T. And then he says, cheers at the end, M-A-T. That's crazy. He just can't spell his name right. There's two Ts. I think it was just one typo that his parents made, sort of profligated throughout the rest of his life.

So he has to tell people, actually, it's Matthew with one T. Actually, it's Matt with one T. Oh, yeah. So if he ever goes by Matt, it's just M-A-T. That's right. That's what he signed off. The one Matt. Yeah. That's his nickname. Jeffrey, you're kind of similar to that with your G-E-O-F-F.

Yeah, but that's been chronicled in history to be the English way of spelling it. Yeah. Matthew with one T I think just goes

against the Bible. What's your middle name again? My middle name? Yeah. Matthew with one T. Really? But I don't see how that helps. I'm surprised you didn't

leap to his defense. And your last name is James J-Y-A-M-M-E-S. Kind of like how Dwayne Wade is D-Wayne with like the Y or whatever. Yeah, D-W-Y-A-N-E. It's hard when you have it. What? That's how you spell Dwayne Wade? Yeah, I learned that this year.

D-W-Y-A-N-E. I learned that the hard Wade. I learned that the hard away. That's really good. Tim Hardaway. Who? Junior. But do you wish or do you

take pride in the G of it all? I used to hate it, but now I take pride in it. The only reason I hated it was that truck stops wouldn't have my name on a mini license plate. Oh, I see. But now they carry it, so it's cool. Now the truck stops I'm always at carry it.

But now my name is Jennifer So I never have that problem I've been having a little bit of name issues Of late Why? What's your name issue? I'm curious to hear that I want to chat about it

What's your name issue? What could it possibly be? I can't even figure out. Well, we could just listen and you would have already known by now. Maybe I guess it could be a Jake or Jacob. Is that what it is? That's exactly what it is. A Jake, do you know what I'd go by?

I'd love to elaborate on it. You're embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing yourself. Let the man speak. Jeffrey. Let the record show. Jeffrey's looking at you. You're too hard on it.

All right, continue. No, record show. Jeffrey's looking at you. You're being too hard on him. All right. Continue. No, I mean, that's it. I feel like I never, because my full name is Jacob and I mostly go by Jake, it's just really like on all my packages and when I'm, like any official document, it always says Jacob. With a C. Yeah.

J-A-C-O-B. Yeah. But it's just weird like i i never remember like if i did jake or jacob and sometimes it actually makes a difference like i've i've had a hard time getting on a flight before because somebody booked my ticket under jake instead of jacob but you've also been like too drunk to fly that's completely unrelated yeah and i've never that's never happened to me i've never been too drunk to fly. That's completely unrelated to your name. That's never happened to me. I've never been too drunk to fly. In New Orleans, you're on a too drunk to fly list

and they made you wait in the hurricane sort of preparedness room until you sobered up. That's insensitive. And you were sort of there by yourself. You were like twirling around because you were so fucking smashed. You were there?

Yeah, I was there there I was on the outside bone sober fresh as a daisy up at 7 jog jog smoothie bowl acai bowl and you ate a smoothie and an acai bowl yeah 11am fresh creased

shirt steamed starched collar and who do I have to wake up and drag to the airport than Uncle Jake, who reeks of gin? I take you there, and you're not even sober enough to get through security. You're like, you want to see my ID? You take your dick out. Of course

they're not going to let you through. I'm TSA free. They have a room there at the airport for people that didn't get through. For hurricanes. You stumbled over to a clear checkpoint, purchased the subscription service, and then threw up into your own eye. It's only $99 a

month. I can't afford not to. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web. You gotta have more energy than that. This is a Monday morning show. You're phoning it in. This is the beginning of the week for some people in their cars. Welcome! This is actually, we're going to release this the day after the Super Bowl.

So that's why I'm doing that. We all know right now if Tom Brady is cemented as the GOAT or just an overrated old piece of shit who couldn't get the job done. Jared Goff has inherited GOAT status. Goff has either gone off. Or we scoff. Or we scoff Jared Goff has inherited GOAT status. Goff has either gone off or we scoff. Or we scoff at Goff. I'll scoff at Goff. Since the results are already out, is anybody

willing to make a post-diction? A post-diction as to what they think will have happened by now? 36 to 26. 36, 24, 36. That's right. 36, 24, 36. That's right. 36, 24, 36. What a winning hand.

Goff is 5'3". Yeah, who do you guys think wins this game? Rams. I love that. I think it's going to be the Pats. Yeah, it's hard to root against Tom Brady. Well, it's easy to root against Tom Brady. It's hard to successfully do it.

Yeah. It's easier to root against Tom Brady. It's hard to successfully do it. Yeah. It's easier to root against Tom Brady, I feel like. I would rather see the Rams win. Interesting. Are you going to root for the Pats? No, I'm going to root for the Rams. But it's just so frustrating because Tom Brady always wins.

Except for last year. He didn't win last year. Yeah, and against the Giants. It's also cool that, I mean, the game already happened. Actually, somebody emailed us. I should read this. Because Jake and I used to make Super Bowl bets. So Cole writes in, are you guys partaking in a Super Bowl bet this year?

Maybe do a total point score to over-under, allowing more people to get involved, or a straight-up bet between Amir and Jake would bring back the classic, even if only bragging rights are up for grabs. Right. So thankfully we are reading his question after the Super Bowl aired. We're definitely not going to do the points thing,

letting everyone get involved. Yeah, can't be interactive. That's such a nice idea. But what we can do is make a bet. If we both think the Pats are going to win, we can make an over-under bet. You think the Pats are going to win? Yeah. Well, I would bet on New England to win.

Unless, do you want to take the Rams? I don't know. I'm just so certain Tom Brady's going to win. Yeah. It's hard to bet against. What about this? The over-under is 57. Do you think the total point scored will be over or under that?

Under. Okay. So I could take the over. So that could be our bet. And the answer is already existing because the game is already played. Okay. What are the stakes? That's what we have to figure out. What's an embarrassing

thing that we have to do? You were suggesting saying something that happened on Sunday night that we can't prove with the stakes of a bet until this podcast comes out. Oh, right. Like you tweet a bad, or you like post a really bad selfie yeah selfie yeah and then um there's no context until the next day when this podcast comes out and then

it was revealed that you did it but it's been up for like 24 hours what about instagram story so it's above a tweet more people will see it but it's below a true post yeah instagram story as a steak what if and go with me for a second here. What if, I mean, you guys are both in loving, caring relationships. Okay. Loser divorces or marries their significant other. So if you lose, you have to divorce Jill. Right. You win, you have to propose on Sunday night.

That's such a high, high stake. That's interesting. Really? It's life altering. Who has more to lose? It's life altering. Because I'd be out of my relationship. Yeah. And destitute on the street. But you could explain it

to her in a year. So kick off next Super Bowl. That's the caveat that I was gonna say. Right. Next Super Bowl, you have to win that bet to gain back. And you would have to explain to Avital in a year. So I was gonna say like, yeah, I was gonna be like an Instagram story

of like your cock. i'd rather get a divorce than for everyone to see my shrimp dick are you kidding me careful on the shrimp dick stuff i'm actually really sensitive about that because it's actually smaller it's not small but it's it looks like a shrimp it's shaped like a shrimp. It's a full coil. It's got the antenna and the little legs. It looks deep fried, too. How could that? So this is a popcorn shrimp. Okay, Jake has under 57.

I have over 57. I feel like it's more fun to root for an actual team than it is a number. Oh, so you want to root for the Rams? No, I want you to root for the Rams. I'm already rooting for the Rams with my emotion. So fine, I'll root for the Rams. I'll take the Rams, but you got to give me three points. Rams plus three.

I don't understand how that works. So if the Rams lose by one or two, I still win the bet. Because I add three to their total. So if it's a heartbreaking loss, you would still win. Well, depends on the type of heartbreak. I see. So if the Pats win by three, we push. No bet.

If they win by four or more, you win. Got it. Well, fine. I'll fucking, I'll take the bet. But I've given you three, and I know that Tom Brady's going to march up the field. The fourth quarter, final drive, stand, go ahead by one at the goddamn buzzer. Brady to clock. Hoorah!

So you are a Pats fan. No, I really hate the Pats, but goddamn, they win all the time. Okay, so what are the stakes? We have to figure it out. I can Instagram story anything I want from your Instagram story? You can Instagram anything you want

from my Instagram story? So he has anything you want from my Instagram story. So he has no story and then you just have to story. I'll take the picture or text and you have to post it on your account. Oh, wow. Okay. Cart flanch.

How bad could it be? It could be as nasty as I want to be. All right. Legality? None. No holds barred. That's really good. You build a post on your phone and you just screenshot it, send it to me.

I upload it. No context at all. That's right. For 24 hours. Yeah. And then people won't even get it till the next morning. Well, they might not get it at all because a lot of people that see it won't even listen to the podcast. That's right. But like after 24 hours, after the podcast comes up,

you could, you could be like, Hey, this was the result of a bet that we talked about on the podcast. That's swipe up to listen. It's a free fucking. But it can't be like offensive. It can't be like sexually,

racially offensive. Like we don't want to. Yes, it can. Absolutely. It has to be more like self deprecating, embarrassing in a way that like- You can do whatever you want for yours. I'll post it.

And mine is going to be insensitive. Absolutely charged. Racist. Yeah. It will be of the moment. Oh, yeah. It will be career ending and career defining. It'll make sure that regardless of anything you post-

You will be cast as a villain from here on forward. Ram's just won by 21. Really? Yeah. Okay, so that's the bet. Shall we shake on it? Let's shake on it. Excuse me.

Hold on. 20 minutes later. One second. They both just took their dicks out and shook them like they were at a urinal. Does this look like a shrimp to you? Yeah. Really? All right, let's try to answer a real question.

It's a crawdaddy. It looked more like a mollusk than anything. It's a lobster. Drawn butter on the side at all times. On your thigh. I'll have this one New England style. Somebody drew butter. I can't believe that.

From your knees up to your waist is just a lobster roll. Both thighs are the buns. Your dick is the lobster. And the drawn butter is always there. That's correct. Speaking of lobster rolls as cocks and thighs as drawn butter, this is a pretty good question about a chicken nugget, chicken nugget disaster

from someone we'll call, Jeffrey, do you have a name? Let's go Clementine Yost. So the name of an audio intern at HeadGum. Correct. In full. Yes. Is this guy's first name.

Of course. And then his last name? Correct. In full. Yes. Is this guy's first name? Of course. And then his last name? Yeah. Jost. Come and talk Yoast, Jost. The Yoast with the most Jost. Oh, hey there. Consider the following quandary.

I'm a freshman in college and I came home for MLK Junior Day. Me and my two friends who were home for the long weekend, decided to do what we always do when we get bored. Smoke a weed and eat fast food. Epic. So we went to Burger King, and we were all entranced by the deals. Ten nuggets for a dollar? You gotta be shitting me. That's an insane deal.

So we each got ten nuggets and chomped that shit down, and we're getting ready to leave. Except one of my friends, who we'll call Tom, wasn't satisfied. He wanted more. So he bought 20 more nuggets, large fries, mini cinnamon rolls, and one large Oreo milkshake and chomped that shit down while me and my other friend, who we'll call Jerry, watched in mild disgust. Afterwards, we went back to my house to play Mario Kart in the basement. God, these guys are stoners from 2006.

This dude wears my car shit. And Tom fell asleep almost immediately, which wasn't very surprising because that always happens when he's high. But approximately 12 minutes later, he darts awake and asks me if my back door is open. I say, I think so, and he runs over to the door and throws everything up all over the glass sliding door and the floor. I pause the game to look over at the mess. Imagine a water balloon containing a gallon of sour lumpy milk.

Half-eaten chicken nuggets was thrown at a glass sliding door. Naturally, I yelled, what the fuck, bro? Anyway, pick attached. I wish. What the fuck, bro? And Tom ran upstairs and drove home. Jerry and I were dumbfounded. Tom was his ride home, so I had to drive Jerry home and clean all that shit up, which took

about 17 minutes, which traumatized me, to say the least. Why is this guy so specific with his time? Tom was asleep for 12 minutes. Cleaning that up to the 17th. Coroner's report. He's a spy. We're all back at college now and I won't see him again until spring break. My question is, how do I make things not awkward between us?

It's clear now that he was really embarrassed and everything. So should I act like it never happened? Should I text him first and wait to see if he apologizes? Or do I have a right to be mad at him because that sobered me up real quick cleaning shit up for the worst 17 minutes of my life by far he could have stayed there and cleaned up after himself right sorry for the long email any advice would be greatly appreciated insert name here clementine yost jost i hope you're happy um god puke everywhere.

What do you think, Jeff? You've been young more recently than us. Have you ever cleaned up somebody else's puke? I've never cleaned up somebody else's puke. One time I was really drunk at a friend's house in high school and I pissed the bed. Whoa, his bed. Yeah, and I also did the same thing where I was like, I just got to get out of here. You just left.

Yeah. And what happened after that? We addressed it later. I mean, he was like, I just got to get out of here. You just left. Yeah. And what happened after that? We addressed it later. I mean, he was like, did you piss the bed? I'm like, yeah, I'm going to come back and help you clean that up. And then I didn't. And how are you guys friends now?

Very good friends, yeah. He, shout out to Harry, well, I shouldn't say his full name. You just did. Shout out to Harry. Nobody Harry. Shout out to Harry Yost. He is the only man that I've ever known to get soy poisoning. Or soysoning, for sure.

Yeah, so he drank too much soy sauce, or had too much of it. Soy poisoning? I guess sodium poisoning from soy sauce. He was soy poisoned. The koi boy was soy poisoned. How much soy sauce does one need to consume to have sodium poisoning?

I don't know, but he also eats in a very strange manner. For example? Like weird orders, not over ordering like that guy, but like, I don't know, like a potato for breakfast, like a baked potato for breakfast. I'm pretty sure he ordered once at a diner so this guy who orders potatoes for breakfast was soy poisoned at a point in that time you also pissed his bed ran away yes hop to it and they did not go clean yes okay so i do think this guy didn't help out of embarrassment, but it's also way less embarrassing to throw up than to like pee. This happens a lot.

Like people do something that's disgusting and they just want to bail. They just want to run away. But that's way worse. But like, I guess also he was high. Christian style. He was high. Bail? Oh.

Yes, he was high. So it was bad judgment You can forgive him For the bad judgment I don't think I feel like you gotta just Rib him about it though Yeah

It's gotta be It has to become funny Otherwise it's weird A gentle ribbing? Yeah That's nice A gentle ribbing So you text him

And you say LOL My face when 17 minutes of Puke Cleaning up Renders me kind of offended by you. And then it's a selfie, a blurry selfie of your greasy face with your tongue sticking out halfway. Imagine the weirdest order from BK, the king, overordering on the day and making me ornery.

30 nuggets and an oreo milkshake To boot Come back and help me clean it up And then he the friend can do what you did Which is sorry about that I'll come Sorry were you asleep when you pissed the bed You slept over or you passed out While everyone else was awake

No slept over Woke up in a pool of my own piss. Got up. Left. You knew it was piss. You woke up and you're like, I pissed the bed. Was it only you in the bed? No, I wasn't actually aware of it fully.

I was like, I thought, because it was very cold and it was in this like cabin that didn't have a lot of like insulation. So I thought that it was actually melted ice. And I'll go to my grave thinking it was melted ice. What are you saying? Was that before or after your friend had a potato breakfast? Did you grow up in the

fucking tundra? You grew up in a fever dream Dr. Seuss had. You fell asleep in a cold cabin, woke up in a puddle of liquid that you assumed was ice that had melted. Don't you mean it was hot in the cabin then? No, it was not hot. It was not hot.

Cold enough to melt an ice cube. You know what they say. Your friend has been poisoned by sauce. I thought it was melted by my body heat, but this was also me talking myself out of... I didn't just piss the bed. It was melted ice.

I'm like 17 or whatever. Yeah. And then he, when he questioned me about it later, I was like, you know what? I probably did

and I'm just gonna own up to it. You didn't own up to it. You said you'd come back to help. You ran away. I'm gonna be a man and I'm gonna come

help you clean it. Let me help right what's wrong let it sit there i'm on my way i promise i'll be there in five i'm calling you from my cell dude i am going on my way to the cabin i got a potato for each of us and how'd you like a bucket of soy sauce my friend on me you drink the first bucket and i'll be right there with you for bucket number two do were you there when he soy poisoned or no this was that was in college you just heard about that later yeah the poisoning of it all yeah it was uh it was a chronicles everything with him is a chronicles what's a chronicles like a um a series of unfortunate events. Oh, Lemony Snicket style. Yeah.

I like that a lot. Like, for example, I saw him at the queue at a Cavs game in November for the first time for a year and a half, and he acted like no time had gone by. What happened? Which is like, not in like a, you know, friendly way, but more just like, he acted like we had seen each other the weekend before. Oh, so like, hey, what's going on? No, not even that then. Yeah, well, it was just like, hey, what's going on? Like, yeah, it's just like, hey like we had seen each other the weekend before so like hey what's going on no not even that then yeah well it was just like hey what's going like yeah it's

just like hey dude what's up what's been going on in your life for the past year and a half you never text me back sorry i was in a hospital uh getting rehydrated i was soy poisoned man the soy wasn't poised to be soy poisoned that quite way. So this guy couldn't bring it up in a funny way and hope that this guy apologizes, says sorry for puking on the door. I'd suggest a gif over text. That's good. Animated? Yeah. Or no, if you could find like

a single image. Or from a movie. Like, yeah. Let me see if I can find one real quick. I actually would say a gif for his ex. Really? So you do the gif over I actually would say a gift for his ex. Oh. Really? So you do the gift over text. I say gift for his ex. So I say this guy who threw up, buy something really nice for the other guy's ex.

Uh-huh. And maybe start a relationship with her or him. Oh. This is the most insane advice you've ever... You're saying this guy should steal his friend's ex? Ex-girlfriend. Because... How do you even know he has one? Well, first of all, she's a free agent, right?

No. She's with somebody new, then? Not necessarily. Yeah, maybe. Okay, then his previous ex. Okay. Or at the very least, his crush. Somebody who's not bound to him.

And he starts someone up. Sorry. Jake was saying something actually informative. Puke gifts. I apologize for interrupting, but I really think this, this gift of a baby puking is absolutely worth it. Oh, epic. That is a lot of milk.

Yeah. So you send that to him. Do you guys think that's from a farm or straight from the source? What do you mean? The milk breast or otherwise? I assume cow. Okay. Yeah.

There's too much milk for that all to be breast. Actually, that was soy milk. That's your friend right there puking it up. I think he is soy poisoned. Yeah. Which is on track for his five-year plan. Soy poisoned by soy. Which is on track. Soy for his five-year plan. Poisoned by soy.

The Henry Harry story. Alright, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors and we'll come back with more questions and answers after this. Yeah! Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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And we're back. Hey, Jeffrey James, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than I can. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. So you're at an ice cream parlor, really. There's no other way about it. I'm not going to dance around the subject here, Blumenfeld.

Yeah, I'm not asking you to. You ask for a taste of the salted caramel. Okay. Of the brown butter almond brittle. Yeah. Of the marshmallow. And suddenly you're like, fuck it. I'm going to go with what I knew I wanted you're like, fuck it.

I'm going to go with what I knew I wanted the whole time, mint Oreo. So you get a scoop. You still got the little tasters. You didn't discard them like everybody else does. The spoons. The tasters. They're like flat and small.

Keep those. Don't use the big spoons because that's, say there's three tiny spoons for every big spoonful. That's three times the ice cream. What? Use a taster spoon on your ice cream at the parlor so that you get more cream iced per capita. Per capita is per person. It's the same amount of ice cream. You're just taking smaller bites.

That's your advice? To take small bites of ice cream to make it seem like... By the way, I don't think ice cream places have different spoons. It's usually the same spoon. Why do you need three taster spoons? I get the advice if it's just one taster.

You said keep all three. No, you don't need to keep all three Just keep one of them But you need to taste I'm just running into the scenario That you taste three different flavors By the way earlier today I saw you eating a cereal With a small little taster spoon Is that the same theory right there?

Smaller spoon more food We went out to lunch and you got a you got a soup and you used the taster yeah you had in your pocket which well it's because you just get more spoonfuls of the shit so your perception per capita you're at a ramen restaurant using that small little pink ice cream taster yeah you can get any noodles or broth on the thing and i'll use chopsticks for a steak it's all about perception it You know nothing about utensils. No, I know how to game the system in regards to utensils. It's not gaming the system

to just use a smaller spoon. It's gaming your own mind. System. Do you ever use a small knife? No. Because it's ineffective. Small fork, absolutely. Because you know why? Why? I'm saying smaller bites means more bites, right? So with the big spoon you get maybe 30 bites.

With the small spoon, you maybe get 90 bites. And that's 90 bites of ice cream. I've never thought I'd have to apologize to the audience before. No way. Do you want to take that again? I'll just try to come up with some advice or something. I want to keep it and I want to say that I'm genuinely so sorry for what just happened. Yeah.

Like I feel like I let everyone down by letting Jeff on the show. And by set like, I feel like one of a henchman. It's like almost worse than an evil villain. Yeah. Because I set this loser man up to fail everybody. And for me to aid in that process, it's such a sickening... The way you're staring at us right now,

it doesn't faze you at all. You're sort of half smiling with your top teeth only. Have you seen Lords of Dogtown? What? Have you seen Lords of Dogtown? The? Have you seen Lords of Dogtown? The skateboarding documentary? Not a documentary. Narrative film starring Heath Ledger.

No. Okay. How is it going to be at all relevant to the small spoons? Open or close your mouth. I'll do this halfway thing. It's really weird. And blink. You made your apology.

Are we going to give advice? Yeah, what's your advice? I gave the advice, the small spoon thing. It's really weird. And blink. You made your apology. Are we going to give advice? Yeah, what's your advice? I gave the advice the small spoon thing. You mean more questions? I don't hate the small spoon thing. I didn't know. In my history, in my experience, the small spoons is what they give out

for the ice cream as well. Big spoons and small. There's the taster spoons. Some places, yes, and I admire them. You've been to Ample Hills on Hillhurst? No. It's the best ice cream I've had in LA. Really?

Originally from Brooklyn, though. You should go before you... Well, you're back there anyways. No. How does it compare to a Jenny's gourmet ice cream? See, Jenny's is actually from Ohio. Uh-huh. Do you like it?

I didn't ask where it was from. I like some of Jenny's flavors, but a lot of them are like too like unique. Yeah, for their own good. Like olive oil, salt, something like that. Yeah, like goat cheese. Yeah, the goat cheese one I think is disgusting. So stuff like that, but Emple Hills is more normal. You notice when you get one scoop, like you can still get two flavors one scoop is basically like two

or three at this point yeah which is like hey i'm not complaining right but kitty is one who a kitty scoop one scoop one actual scoop i'm saying that's enough who's out there who's getting two scoops i get full off a taster bud i get full off a taster. I'll say it. You look deathly frail. One scoop is more than enough. Two scoops, like, you got to be kind of crazy to be like, can I get two scoops? Oh, you're saying with this new measurement. Anybody who goes to an ice cream store and gets two scoops is kind of a little bit. You're kind of getting six scoops. You're lactose irrelevant.

Which means milk doesn't even think of you. Lactose irrelevant. Which means milk doesn't even think of you. Lactose irrelevant. So you don't have toast. And it's irrelevant as to whether or not you do. Exactly. All right, let's see if we can answer some more questions. I felt like you were sitting on that for like five minutes. Oh, no, I thought of it this morning when I woke up.

When you lactose? I'm lactose. Oh, here, I thought of it this morning when I woke up. When you lacked toast? I'm lactosed. Oh, here's kind of a serious question. Let's get into it. Jeff, do you have another man's name? Heath Bar-Ledger. Oh, God. Many people believe in me.

Oh, sorry, I skipped the first question, of course. Longtime listener, love the show, and Lonely and Horny Season 2 was excellent. All right. Yeah, man. Jeff was in that one. You can still watch it on Dropout. I am a senior in college, and my dream is to go on to grad school and achieve my PhD in philosophy. Don't. All right, next question. Many people believe in me and my ability, and I have had publication and presentation success so far in my career. Shit, really? Here's my problem.

Don't give up, actually. I've applied to 14 grad programs, paid nearly $1,500 in application and test fees, and spent hours poring over these applications, and now I must only wait. Since I turned in the application, I have three months to receive the results, and in that time I have zero control over anything. The waiting is killing me. This is such a life-changing, career-determining wait, and it's driving me nuts. Have you ever been anxiously awaiting the results of a life-changing decision?

How do you deal with self-doubt and rejection when you've given your all and you still might fail? What should my backup plan be? P.S. I hope to become a patron very soon. Thanks. Love, Heath Bar, Ledger. A philosophy PhD asking some real philosophical questions. A philosopher and a cool. Have you ever been anxiously awaiting the results of a life-changing decision, Jeff?

I mean, college. Like where you'll go? Yeah. Did you apply to USC early? I got into USC a year early. So I guess that was like, I was waiting months to know if I would be leaving high school early. Wait, you only did high school for three years? Yeah. So after junior year, during junior year, you applied to USC? Correct. And you're like, I'll either go back to high school or go to USC? Correct. I didn't know that. Did you know that? I knew that he graduated early.

Yeah, I wouldn't have left if it wasn't for that because I got in through like an early acceptance honors program. What about all of your friends who were like, all right, senior year of high school? And you're like, nah, I'm going to college. I think they were bummed, but it worked out. Were you fine with it? Yeah yeah I couldn't wait to like half of senior year of high school was just waiting right like you just got rid of that hole yeah and was there any was it USC or bust for that year was USC or bust and then if I had waited I would have also applied to like NYU and Columbia and like UCLA yeah Chapman Jake, any life-changing waiting? I guess, I mean,

probably when we were waiting for the pilot. Yeah, like in Hollywood land. Which didn't end quite as happily as Jeff's story. Jeff got in. Slimmer odds. We got rejected from True University. That's good. Yeah.

True SC said, no, no, no. You still got to make a pilot, which is pretty incredible. Yeah. Yeah. It's also an Icarus thing, though, where you were lifted up. Now our college-aged employee is cheering us up. And that's why you went to USC, man. That's why we hired you.

Jeff's still 17, if you can believe it. This guy applied to 14 grad programs. He's waiting on the results of a life-changing decision. Why doesn't he embrace it? You got three months that you can't have any control over. Do whatever you want for these three months. Agreed. Yeah. Eat a fucking

ice cream with a very tiny spoon, dude. Or you know what? Go ham and have a big spoon. Get two scoops. That's seven flavors. Get two scoops of ham. And then throw up on your buddy's glass sliding door. And he still doesn't know whether he's going to get in or not.

So he's like, this is in theory an exciting time because think of the possibilities. 14 grad programs i feel like you are as smart as this dude seems to be and like applied and tried this hard and talks about how he gave something is all i feel like that usually works out he's also going for a phd not a like md and i feel like medic med school is probably more competitive than certain like he's probably applied to very specific phd programs that have much less of a smaller of a applicant pool. So I think I, he should just rest easy knowing he's going to get into at least a few of these and yeah, go do something awesome.

Go to New Zealand or something. That's better advice than I could give because I've never really applied for anything like that. Or applied yourself. Yeah. I apply myself all the time, fucker. Oh my God. Do you see that that i've never seen

him make a turn like that yeah he got so that's called that's called application to be fair you've kind of been poking and prodding like cattle this whole fucking hour and the spoon thing yeah that was you no the way that you were like you said like heath bar ledger like that's not funny that guy died and so for that for jake to hear that, a huge Heath fan. Yeah. A huge Heath Bar fan. And I'll tell you what, if you don't get in, if you get quote unquote rejected, come back to us because we can sell you on the fact that having a PhD in philosophy is completely

useless. And that getting rejected might be the best thing that ever happened to him. Easy. Yeah. If you get in, congrats. That's amazing. You would have been fucked otherwise. And if you don't get in, shit, man.

Who cares about philosophy? You dodged a bullet. There you go. Congrats. You're not going to spend another however long learning shit that will never be relevant or necessary. You can never be sad if you shrug something off and pretend it didn't matter. So for example.

So like, TruTV just passed on your pilot. You won't be making a tv show i don't give a shit that's cool i don't care about that stupid pilot that's awesome right that's all you have to do uh and like i'm sad on the inside all right i heard that your house actually was lost in the california wildfires i don't give a fuck about my house that's no but like the memories within like the irreplaceable photos and i have no memories that's really i like really don't give a shit about anything. I forgot I even had a house. That's really crazy.

That's cool. So you're talking about repressing almost. Repressing your memory? Yeah, you just sort of shrug it off your shoulders, go and brush your shoulder off, and it goes into the deep recesses of your brain, heart. So that actually... You bury it deep. It takes us to the second question. How do you deal with self-doubt and rejection? When you've given it your

all and you still might fail. Bury it deep, lock it up, fart it out. Never think about it again. On to the next, on, on to the next. How do you respond to that? Repress your sad emotions and fart them out. And then Jay-Z on to the next. On to the next.

It's not Jay-Z, but. You guys think I really do have a small cock? What? You still on that the past 25 minutes? That's all you've been thinking about in the back of your head? It looks like a fucking crawfish or something. You're talking about repressing your memories and not giving a shit. Yeah, you got a fucking hermit crab dick.

No, I didn't say that. You said you had a shrimp dick. Slug nuts? Yeah, little slug nuts, as it were. You're still bringing that up. So clearly you're not very good at repressing and farting it out. How do you deal with self-doubt, man? I like to say, you know what?

It all happened for a reason. Oh, they passed on this. Okay, so now it's going to... Thank God this was a blessing in disguise because now we have X, Y, and Z. Is this real? Yeah. This doesn't sound like something you would... So this is like, okay, True TV passed on a pilot.

Now we have more time to dedicate to HeadGum. Now that's going great. HeadGum is- HeadGum fails, hemorrhaging money, losing cash. We are kaput. Awesome. That actually frees up a lot of my time to open up that chia seed business I've been telling you guys about.

So that's where we're at. A seed truck. Which, by the way, you can't say- I was chia yeah it's already perfect it already feels familiar because it i think chia pet i think i do something similar which is just sort of like you got to know that like there that's sort of like a wave. It's cyclical. Sometimes everything seems to be going good, and sometimes everything seems to be going bad. When the things that are going bad are going bad, you just know that you'll, it all works out eventually. There'll be another time when everything seems perfect.

Yeah. So, life is full of ups and downs, rejections, acceptances. You can't let any one of them stop you. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination, et cetera, et cetera. We're just reading little office posters. Fucking platitudes. I actually made a poem just now. Life is full of ups and downs, lots of smiles, lots of frowns.

Imagine your dad giving you up for cigarettes and running away with the clowns. That's right. The carnies. The asadas. The blarnies. The asadas. And the farties. And the farts.

Turn poster to other side. Dump poster. Side two. All right. One last question. This one's a little more nitty gritty. It was written by an office worker who's, he says, P.S. My Hebrew name is legit Samuel Passover. Let's call him that.

Samuel Passover writes, who's I guess the mascot of Passover. After doing, oh, here's my unsolicited advice that is so unsolicited I haven't even been asked to provide it. After doing a number two and rolling up your sleeve to wipe, roll it back down before you leave the bathroom. Walking back into a room of people with one sleeve pushed up after you were gone for eight minutes conveys one thing. I was just rubbing my ass with paper to clean it. Also spinach. It's easy to cram a handful of it into your mouth. Obviously not with a hand you just wiped with. Can't wait for your DC show. Love Samuel Passover. So one, we're going to DC March 9th. Tickets still available at jacobnear.com. Two, easy to eat a handful of spinach. It's a great way to keep that nutrient in your body.

You never really think about doing it. And three, my question is, do you guys roll up your sleeves when you wipe your ass? My sleeves, I keep my sleeves rolled up all the time, as you can see by my sleeves right now. If you had a long sleeve buttoned up like an office job, would you roll it up to wipe? I don't think I would. But at the same time, should I? No, I guess I would push it up. Correct. Would you roll it up to wipe? I don't think I would. I don't think I would. But at the same time, should I? No, I guess I would push it up. Yeah, I would roll it up, but I would roll up both sleeves to wash my hands.

Yeah. So, like, I really feel like his advice, in a way, conveys that he doesn't wash his hands. There's a lot of, I just really, I get that vibe. You guys get that vibe? Yeah. Also, people aren't thinking about it as much as he is.

Like, people aren't like, oh, like, guys, Josh is coming back. Josh is coming back. Look at that one sleeve.

One sleeve up. Dude shat his ass. No, he's saying that, yeah, all it conveys is that you wiped out, you wiped your butt. Which is fine.

Yeah. Yeah. You want to, and if anything, don't wipe your ass, roll up the sleeve, walk out. Everyone will think that you wiped your ass, but you actually saved a few precious seconds. You want to, and if anything, don't wipe your ass, roll up the sleeve, walk out. Everyone will think that you wiped your ass,

but you actually saved a few precious seconds. You know, sometimes this is very, very. You're looking at me like I'm a bad guy. A bad,

sorry, not a bad guy, but a bad guy, like a villain. Yeah, and you're wiping shit on your lips. That's a goof.

Do you guys wash your hands when you pee? I do, but it's very like haphazard in case anyone's watching. So I do it sometimes. Yeah, same, sometimes. And sometimes if I'm in a place where there's a line of peeing at a Starbucks,

and I'm trying to be swift about it, I will go in, pee as fast as possible, flush, and then just flick on the water really quick. Not even touch it. Just so people outside hear the sink, and they're like, that guy washed his hands. I do that. I think a lot of people do that. Not even touch it. Just so people outside hear the sink and they're like, that guy washed his hands. I do that. I think a lot of people do that. Alright, cool.

I thought I had invented it. I thought you were going to say, I thought I was the only one who was kind of embarrassed, but instead you took full ownership of it. Yeah, the idea. I thought I was a fucking father. I'll actually put it on record and say I did invent it. And if anyone else is doing it oh it's called

pulling a her wits yeah a her wash it's called a her wash that's really good uh you ever use the bidet down here I do I have a tushy at home too so I whenever possible I use that but I still wipe does this one get water all over the seat for you or is it mostly drink out of this one I don't use it as a water fountain yeah I use it just to drink. This one's pretty intense water pressure wise, which is funny because also when you flush and then you try to use the sink, it doesn't... There's no water pressure. So I usually exit and use the

sink in the kitchen because that one's always choice. I usually take a dump in the trash can and then I do the waddle into the tushy area. I turn it on and then I sit on it. The thing is, our tushy spray is too hard and sometimes I'll walk in there and there's like bidet spray on the back of the toilet seat. That's where, so.

Which is really fucking foul. I always, I have to clean it up every time I use it. I can't, I can't get a full coverage. Well, maybe sometimes you don't do a full clean. Well, the problem is I'm trying to like fully cover the seat, but then that moves my anus too far to the back of the bowl. So then I slide to the front and then invariably the bidet water slaps off my tailbone onto the seat, and then I have to clean that. There really ought to be a better way than the bidet.

The bidet is close, but it's not the most elegant solution. What about a full submergill? So a bath? A tub filled so full. After you shit, the lower your ass into it. A tub. The water raises. A bathtub.

And you're lowered. A bathtub. You're scrubbed and rubbed. So you sit on a belt really. Or it's the opposite. So like right now, we're almost onto the water. What if we were completely submerged

with our asshole above the water like an iceberg? So we get flipped upside down. And then we almost look like we're doing like a little volcano. So our ass is emerging above the surface. That's actually interesting because I feel like what the bidet does, it corrects the problem that your body gives you. Like you have a hairy, tight little asshole. Thank you.

And then the poop comes out. Yes. And it smears shit everywhere. See, I don't have that problem. I'm loose and hairless. You're real. Yeah. You have that Vaz ass. Yes! The what? Vaz ass. What is that?

It's a Vaseline ass. Yeah, so I naturally secrete Vaseline. So you have a Vas... What? Everything is shiny, warm, and wide down there. Why do you know about his asshole? We have a... We did buckets. We did buckets, we talked.

We did, yeah, I have a basketball podcast, and it came up. That makes no sense. You have buckets. You have buckets. The basketball podcast. So you know about our editorial assistant's asshole. Not the whole ass. The anus.

I didn't talk about the cheeks. The ass hole. That would be inappropriate. Yeah. It's a working environment, Jake. After all. You're twice his age. You're 40.

Yeah, which is fine. You're 42. He's 18. Almost thrice his age. Yeah, that was this guy's unsolicited advice. Not really a question, but I thought a good conversation started nonetheless. Ooh, Jeff. Cocktail party.

Anything you want to promote, talk about, day after Super Bowl, what do you want to mention? Just the HeadGum videos per use, youtube.com slash HeadGum. Me and Riley Anspaugh, who I assume it's a direct overlap with the audience here. But if you don't watch the videos, we do them every week. So check them out. And we got to get you making your own podcast. Yes.

And then Riley and I are working on a podcast together. Very early stages, but look out for that. We're inching closer. All right. That's our time. If you have any questions of your own, theme theme song submissions the opening one was written by Matt this closing one is by Noah

who is kind of a little diatribe but I don't know if we should read it this has been If I Were You the only advice podcast on the internet

hosted by me and Jake Hurwitz no thanks so much no small spoons small spoons Noah wrote this theme song

he says I can't really remember if it was Jake and Amir who was the culprit of the one of you, but one of you sucks at mafia. I remember the story about the guy yelling at you for lying about being a doctor in a mafia game. Well, although the guy went pretty overboard

and it was weird that he yelled at you over a game, you were 100% in the wrong. No, that's not true. As a villager, you are trying to uncover the truth and figure out who is lying. There is no advantage to operate under a lie. You will only confuse the other villagers and distance

themselves from the truth, thus impeding your chance of winning. I know you didn't ruin the game on purpose, but you are so bad at the game that you effectively broke it. I didn't even know that was possible. So those are my thoughts, and thanks for playing my song. You didn't ruin the game. You were trying to uncover the truth. Like a good villager.

Like a good villager. Like a good villager. Like a good village. State Farm is Noah. So thank you, Noah. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thank you to Jeff for stopping by. And for hosting with Jake Hurwitz. And we'll be back next week.

Go Rams. I don't know about you, but I love when these two Try to sell me another fucking toothbrush. I don't know what to do, better call up two dudes. Wait, no, never mind. One is a chipmunk. They will laugh at your pain and they'll call you insane. Then they'll give you insane And they'll give you Terrible advice

When my girl is a bitch Oh my dick starts to itch I always send my emails to If I were you Show at gmail.com If I were you that was a hate gun podcast