Segments - 369: Long Underwear

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

In this episode we discuss being pissed off, and getting pissed on. Plus a follow-up pup from an angry girlfriend!For more If I Were You check out our Patreon page at Patreon.com/JA!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only Welcome to If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir

I'm Jay I'm Jay I'm Jay I'm Jay Question Question podcast on the on the internet hosted by a hosted by a hosted by us i'm amir i'm amir i'm amir i'm i'm jay i'm jay i'm jay question question question question i know never mind question question question question okay the record i did answer the question on equipment forget it get it because you're dumb forget it forget it forget it because you're dumb forget it because you don't know what the forget it forget it because you're dumb Forget it because you don't know what the Forget it Forget it because you're dumb Forget it because you don't know what the

Fuck you're talking about Ass Ass Stop saying ass so much Ass Ass You're using it as a crutch Ass

Ass It's not as funny as you think it is Ass Ass Ass Just go back to being the needy weirdo that you used to be Alright? You couldn't possibly know

The proof is in the smile Dipshit What? Welcome to If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Amir

I'm Amir I'm Amir I'm Jay I'm Jay I'm Jay I'm Jay Forget it Forget it. Forget it because you're dumb?

Forget it because you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Ass. Wow. Did we, is that from the same episode or did we call that back at a later date? Don't know. Wow. Either way, awesome. That was written by Maddie, who has sampled My Chemical Romance, of course, and made a hardcore underground boom bap hip hop beat to it. For more beats and mixtapes, go to soundcloud.com slash so damn fresh.

I actually did find that very, very mellow, very trill. I really, like, it was soothing, but it also bumped. It didn't slap, but you didn't want it to what's going on with you man what was that i was sort of like i'm doing like a music review blog zine podcast type thing where i just like talking about different trance mixtapes and stuff like that and then all right folk guitar hero whatever what have you well one is folk and one is guitar hero one is a type of music and one's a video game right right right and you said blog and zine which is like one is a magazine one is an online blog yeah so it's sort of like don't tell me what it's sort of like say what it is it's like it's it's a

collective it's a podcast that it's a vlog, it's a web show. Trying to pitch it, maybe partner with some brand. Focus your effort, focus your energy. You're all over the place. Walmart, I'm saying. You're saying so many things at once. You're just throwing buzzwords against the wall. So it's a collective where we have some people who are rapping. It's like a rap battle, MC, live event.

No, okay. Okay? And then I'm also reviewing different, like, frigging, like, tambourines. Yeah, awesome. Fine. That's it? I hope Kmart Walmart. That's it?

Yeah, that's it. What do you want? Like, I gave you. What do you want? I gave you more than what you deserve. You just said a bunch of garbage. And then you said Kmart Walmart. I said they might be interested in partnering with us. In what capacity would Kmart... They could publish

the zine. They could carry the zine in their stores. Walmart could obviously be like showing our web show on their TVs in the back. And how do you make money now? I'm more, so I'm like, I do, I did a Kickstarter that was very, very

underfunded. Yes. Yeah, I'm on the page now. I was actually sued. Yeah, I gotta cease and desist. But you have a very nice apartment, so like, where is that cash coming from? My daddy. Yeah, I see. My daddy. See, your dad gives you cash. My daddy gives me cash. And then you have a very nice apartment. So like, where's that cash coming from? My daddy. I see. My daddy. See, dad gives you cash.

My daddy gives me cash. And then you have grandiose ideas like a blog zine. Yeah, I want to be a blogger, a rapper, a folk star. And if you fail, that's fine because you still have the money. Daddy's money. Yeah. I'm not going to drive a shitty car. No. Because I have daddy's money.

Right. So that sort of tricks your brain into thinking that your ideas are good no matter what it looks like i've succeeded because i have a lot of instagram followers and i have a nice car and i spread cash around like it's but do you think that you deserve that cash do you think that you've earned it in the end i think i deserve the cash because i deserve the cash because it's your father who worked because my dad worked hard for the money and now you're just for the money I like that song, but you haven't done anything like that. Well, that song is part of my zine. No, it's not.

A zine is written. A song is a song. Well, sorry, I meant to say e-zine. It's part of my e-zine. Got it. Well, this is a podcast. You're still doing that. Right.

I guess. So my zine takes off. No, it won't take off. You're going to that. Right. So, tomorrow. My zine takes off. No, it won't take off. You're going to be here forever. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You are wearing new shoes, true or false?

They are new-ish. I got them maybe a month ago. Okay. Three or four weeks ago. Thoughts on them? I actually am very pleased with them. I find them to be quite comfortable. Do you want to say what they are?

What are we looking at here? I believe these are the Nike Shield Air Pegasus in puke green with the orange bottom. Okay, so it's got orange bottoms. And then what did they say? What's the official color of the... I guess it would probably be like fatigue green or like olive green, but I like to call it puke green. The top is sort of like a puke slate. Bile blue.

And then I ate a popsicle and spit blood pink. All of my foot ailments have sort of made me, like, really need to experiment with sneakers. Yeah, what's the latest with the foot ailments? I haven't heard an update recently. My heel is healed. My toe box on the left foot ain't ever going to get better. It ain't going to ever heal. You have turf toe for three years?

Yeah. In February, it'll be three years or two years? Sean Jost, our host, brought me up the side of a mountain and I think left me to die. That's- You slipped and you're like, ah. And now three years later, you're still in pain. It will never heal.

Two years later or three years later? Three years. It was February. Yeah, February 2015, I think. Maybe it was 2016. No, I think it was 2015. So 2016 will be three years later it was february yeah february 2015 i think maybe it's 2016 no i think it was 2015 so 2016 will be three years in february which is now yeah oh yeah we're coming up on our 300 yeah yeah i guess um yeah well i think so i have like bunion a bunion on my foot which i've always had but i think my turf toe coupled with the bunion made it so I never really healed that well. Ever.

No. Nor will you. Nor will I. But I have got insoles, and I try out different sneakers, and these are some really good ones. I thought that the Reacts, the Nike Reacts, would be the best sneakers ever for my turf toe.

Yeah. But it turns out these are a little bit better. So Pegasus above Reax, above Adidas. Yeah. Adidas, I actually find to not help my foot ailments at all. There's too much flexibility in the sneaker. I see. These are a bit more rigid.

You need a sturdier toe box. Yeah. Like you're wearing the Ultra Boost. I could bend those in half so easily. Right. You could touch the toe to the back of the heel. These ones are much, much dirtier. Got it.

And if you don't have foot ailments, what's the pros of a sturdy shoe versus a lighter shoe? This one is good for city walking. And it's got sort of like a harder surface on the harder. Is it a surface on the bottom? Yeah. You can still call it a surface, right? If it's underneath of a shoe. That's a good question.

Yeah. Surface seems like it's the top. Right. But it can also be, it's basically the outer layer. Right. Like the surface of a ball includes the bottom of the ball. That's true. Okay, cool.

So we got there. Okay. So since, you know, we're so smart, we figured let's answer some questions. People are like... I'm still talking about my shoes. I see. I thought you were done. Not even close. What did I cut you off? What didn't you get out?

I'm going to talk about my other shoes in my closet back home. That's fine. You don't have to. How many pairs do you have? Six. You want to talk about six pairs of shoes? I don't have to talk about all of them. I'll just talk about the newer ones. How many are the newer ones? I got five. Five, yeah.

I was going to say probably all but this pair. I should talk about the six because it's my favorite pair. Which are what? The old trusties. Converse Vans. Vans. Yeah. Nice.

All right. I found some goodies today. Let's try to see how many we can answer. Okay. Before we get kicked out. Who's coming? Land how many we can answer. Okay. Before we get kicked out. Who's coming? Landlord. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah, we haven't paid rent.

Not for a while, no. We're hemorrhaging cash here. Yeah. Is it hemorrhaging if it's like, like hemorrhaging is like a bleed in the brain. We're just like bleeding out. We're decapitated. We're bleeding out entirely. It's a spray. Yeah, we're spraying cash. We're spraying cash, but not in a fun way.

Right. It's cash we need that we wish we had. We need a lady's name because she's asking us, why are guys trash? I am currently reading Fire and Blood 300 Years Before Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin. So I'll be using female names from that book. We will call her Queen Alysanne. Alysanne? Alysanne.

All right, Alysanne writes. A-L-Y-S-A-N-N-E. Would you say Alysanne? Yeah. A... No, you wouldn't. Alysanne writes. Hi, Jew boys. I. No, you wouldn't. Allison. Right.

Hi, Jew boys. I'm wondering if you could help me. I was on Tinder and I saw my elementary school and high school crush and boom, we matched. Great, right? Or so I thought too. I messaged him first because I got to shoot my shot. We ended up having a great conversation. He remembered me from school and he asked for my snap

and we snap a few times over a few weeks. I noticed I was the only one starting the conversation, so I stopped to see if he would reach out and nothing. We haven't talked since and this was a few months ago. Typical ghosting, right? But he follows my Instagram and likes all my pictures there and is the first to view my stories on any platform. So what the fuck is this guy's deal? Sorry for the novel. I just need some help deciphering this guy's language. Thanks.

Love, Alisson. Queen Alisson. Queen Alisson. She said sorry for my novel too, so it's all sort of tied together. Interesting. This is just typical guy shit. You think this is typical typical guy shit or is it do you think

she is adequately reacting do you think this guy is being overly annoying normally annoying I think this is would you say

this is ghosting I don't think it's ghosting because they didn't ever like date or there was not really any I don't know what happened on the snap I don't know what happened ghosting because they didn't ever like date or there was not really any.

I don't know what happened on the snap. I don't know what happened on the snap. Yeah. But for you to ghost somebody, I feel like there has to be more of an expectation that you'll respond to messages. Or at least a meetup. I don't even think they met up. Right. So a ghost has to appear before he disappears.

Yeah. If the ghost never appears, it's not a ghost. Right. It's just a ghost. Right. It's just a lost demon soul. You guys were only Snapchatting. You stopped snapping him. Uh-huh. And then you guys stopped snapping,

but he still views your story. It sounds like maybe you ghosted him. Yeah. I bet he's thinking, I don't want to do any, I don't want to like put in any effort. So I'll just like watch her videos or whatever. It's fine.

And then like, if he, if she doesn't snap him first, he's like, all right, fine. I guess she's not interested. Yeah. I would say that's what it is. It's all just like, oh, it's, it's laziness and being passive. I look at so many people's Instagram stories and Instagram posts. Yeah. Him not snapping you doesn't mean that he hates you.

And him opening your story doesn't mean that he has a crush on you. He's probably somewhere in between those two poles. And he's like either lazy or afraid of rejection. Like he doesn't want to just straight up ask you out. Yeah. That could be it too. You never really know but like the i feel like nobody really understands just how much is happening on anybody any one person's like personal phone you know like when somebody's not texting you back think about how many like

how much shit you're doing on your phone on any given day yeah like the the the hubris, the gall to think that, like, this person's whole life should be responding to my texts or reaching out to me or something. Right. Like, everybody's just got so much shit going on. But what if you don't respond for, like, a day or two? Is that also fine? Or is it like, you owe me at least a response? Well, I guess, I mean, it really depends on the situation. I feel like this particular situation for Her Grace, Queen Alysanne, she stopped talking to this guy.

And it was all being done over like very flippant like passive ways. It wasn't text. It was snaps. It's like disappearing messages and liking and viewing stories. Snap is like ghosting as an app. Yeah. You send something and it disappears. It is the ghost app.

It's invisible ink. Here's the sort of flip side of it, this question that we got from a guy. Okay. Do you have a guy's name from this? What is it, like bedtime story you're reading yourself? It's not a bedtime story. It's like a fairy tale? No, it's a freaking tome, okay? It's a Bible to story. It's like a fairy tale? No. It's a freaking tome. Okay?

It's a Bible to me. It's a coloring book. It's not a coloring book. There are illustrations in it, and they are black and white, but you're not required to color. You're not required to color. I did. I did. I colored mine.

I saw there was a crayon. You had your tongue out, sort of smeared against the left side of your mouth. I was painting Balerion the Dread. Okay. You were connecting the dots on the front page too. I guess there's a map that you have to draw by connecting the dots. There's a map of Westeros. And there's a little maze that you don't have to connect the dots,

but it shows you where like all of the keeps and the castles are, and you can draw the King's Road. You can draw like the River Road and stuff. You can draw that. So you are the kids menu that you came in with, right? You can, it's not a freaking kids.

You can order a burger off the back of it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It has a picture of a burger and you could order it. If you've, if you call a number. Yeah. Um,

but additionally, it's a book. King Anus. Huh? King Anus. I swear to God, this guy's name in the book is Anus. How would you say? It's A-E-N-Y-S. Anus? Anus? Anus. It's King Anus. Still, like, why even put it that close to Anus?

Right. It's absolutely King Anus. And I'd like an audience with George. This is George. This is George's first sort of step towards dipping his toes in the water of, can I write porn for everyone? Like, he can't go from Game of Thrones to porn, but he can be like, Game of Thrones, King Anus, back to Game of Thrones, King Anus and his buddy Dick Weed, back

to Game of Thrones. It's all porn. It's all porn for him. Got it. King Anus writes, Long time listener, first time problem haver. Boy, am I in a doozy of a situation,

the basis of which is this. There's this girl that I've been hanging out with a good amount recently. We have a lot of similar interests and do a lot of fun stuff together. Movies, concerts, exploring abandoned places.

It's great. I have over the past month been developing feelings for her. Every time I talk to her about it, she responds with the same thing. In November, she had a relationship end poorly and she isn't emotionally ready to date again. I think that's fine, but she has been staying at my place every night for the past two weeks with no plans of leaving soon. Plus, been sleeping together we also made plans next month to go on a four-day trip together i get that she might not be emotionally ready right now but it feels like shit to be drug along for weeks and weeks basically dating and everything but name what would you guys do love king anus

dear sweet King Anus. I guess I think I've been in this situation. Which is like somebody afraid to just label whatever you're going through. Yeah, and whenever it's happened, I've just been like, I can't do this then. I just don't understand why it's bad that, that like it's a little weird that she's like i don't want to be dating you but then they are dating so what's the problem there i guess i mean i think it just eats away at you if somebody's like specifically saying i don't want to date you i don't want you to be my boyfriend like you don't have the relationship security it's like if you

got a job when you and you get a paycheck and health benefits, but instead your boss is just like, yeah, I'm probably going to give you money every week. It's going to be fine. We'll figure it out. Well, I would like the guarantee. I want direct deposit, please. But to me, it seems like you have a job, but you're getting paid, you're getting health insurance, and everything's going well. but every day your boss goes, you don't have a job here. And then it's like, all right, fine, you can keep saying that, but I have a job.

I have all the good parts of a job, plus the security. You just don't want to call it a job for whatever reason. Yeah, but I don't know if he has the security. I also think there's something weird to me about, like, the king and queen situation here which is like everybody's trying to figure out what everyone's like deals are like what does he mean by this what does she mean by this she's not he's not responding to my snaps or she's saying she doesn't want a boyfriend but we're still like going on trips. And like, I think the bummer of that is just like that person is just not super into you.

Right. That's what's like, basically everybody is dragging their feet, playing a weird game until they actually like someone. And then everyone's just like all in. Games are over. You just become a couple. I think she's just lying to herself more than to him. Like, oh, I just got out of a relationship. I can't be in a relationship.

I'll just hang out with you. I'll sleep over. We'll go on trips. But I can't. Let's not call it a relationship. That's a nice way to look at it. But I think that she is not feeling as passionate about this dude as he is about her. Yeah.

But I think if he just ignores that, keeps going on, and like six months, a year, 18 months, she'll be like, this will all be like a silly story. Like, remember when you didn't want to call us in a relationship, and now we're half three kids. How many years down the line is this? 18 months. Jesus.

They adopted thrice over on their ninth not even date because she didn't want to call it that. How was that? How did anybody let that fly? I guess King Anus was butthurt or something and was like, we should get a dog. King Anus was butthurt. He said, let's get a dog, and they ended up with three children. I guess. I don't want to say yes but yeah

okay i guess i think both of these people should take your advice and not mine i'm clearly in some sort of like uh dark mood maybe it's because i was on a flight earlier whoa what happened i i didn't have any extra leg room now my legs a little cramped are you okay obviously i'm not my legs a little cramped i said did you have a middle seat aisle window i had an aisle could you maybe like move your leg into the aisle for that extra leg room i could have but i didn't want to because because i wanted the extra leg room in my seat and i took it as a slight that I didn't get upgraded. So I hurt myself on purpose so I can write to Delta and tell them. And now that's coloring your answer. Ooh, coloring. I'm going to go grab my Game of Thrones book.

And a turkey burger with a small fries. I'm going to color anus red. Can I get a glass of milk with a sippy top? That's what comes with a book, right? All right, let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll try to answer some more questions after this. Sweet.

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Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? You know, we were just talking about this, and I said long underwear. Yeah. You said that's good. And I said, no, everybody knows to wear long underwear. And then you said you never wore long underwear when you lived in New York.

That's right. So now that is my advice. I'm surprised. You were so conscious of the weather. Yeah. The long underwear helped when I was outside, but then when I was inside, I didn't like the feeling of it. So it was always like a give and take. I'm like, all right, my legs will be a little colder when I'm getting to where I need to go.

But then when I was there, I preferred short underwear. What did it feel like? Or was it just because it was hot? It was too hot and it was like itchy all the way down my legs. Uniqlo makes really nice long underwear that does not itch and actually feels really great. Would you say the majority of men and women you know wear long underwear in New York during the winter? Yes. Well, I don't know anything about the women, I guess.

But I know Car carnell my brother jeff and dave well dave i have just wears basketball shorts underneath jeff jeff wears many layers he'll wear like sweatpants and jeans he layers up sweatpants under jeans yeah he used or jeans under sweatpants no he used to do mesh shorts, sweatpants, jeans. Jorts, skirt, kilt. Dave, I don't know. He doesn't always wear underwear, so I'm not really sure what he does. What's the vest equivalent for legs?

That's what Dave does. Oh, a girdle? No, a chaps. He'll wear ass-full chaps over the thighs, under the kilt, over the jeans, under the sweats. They would so wear chaps. He would absolutely wear chaps. So long underwear is your advice if you happen to not be wearing

long underwear. Yeah, and I think I don't want to like shout out a specific brand, but unless they're willing to pay, yeah. Yeah, no, Uniiclo makes real oh and i actually got some mac weldon ones too interesting are they tight where are you we're a me undies fam that's right are they tight from your ankle to your waist or is it a little flowy like pajamas um they're they're slightly flowy they're not skin tight they're not as tight as boxer briefs

right right no i mean they're like tight they're tight around the. They're not as tight as boxer briefs. Right, right. No. I mean, they're like tight. They're tight around the ankles. They're probably like a pair. Yeah. They're like a slightly loose pair of leggings. What's your threshold? When are you wearing the short undies versus long undies? I wear them every single day.

Regardless of the temp? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's always- Eight degrees or 40? Yeah. If it's, I mean, if it's below 50. 50? No.

That's a spring day. Yeah, it was like 48, 47 degrees. Like on Sunday, I was like, oh, I could wear regular underwear. And I was like, but why would I even risk being a tiny bit cold? I'm going outside. I'm going to wear long underwear. 68 degrees out, 75. You might as well.

Long underwear is the new normal. If you're wearing a light jacket, you should wear long underwear. Okay, now we're talking advice, baby. How about if you're ever wearing pants, you wear long underwear. Your underwear should be as long as the pants you wear.

That's not crazy. Pants are very, like wind will rip right through pants. They're permeable. Yeah, it's weird. You layer up so much from the waist up. Shirt, sweatshirt, jacket. So thick, like hoodie, hat. That's just to keep your vital organs warm.

Right. And then from the waist down, it's like, I hope this thin layer of denim's enough. Nope, your legs are instantly frozen. What's the coldest it's been in New this thin layer of denim's enough nope your legs are instantly frozen what's the coldest it's been in new york since you've been back um i missed today but it was like 12 degrees today that's um i think i think it was probably i think there's one day it got down to like 17 we're recording this during the polar vortex we should say which i flew out the morning of the polar vortex but it's mostly in the mid Midwest where it's like negative 30 in Minnesota and Chicago.

It's fucking insane. I am curious. I remember the coldest I'd ever seen or experienced was during a show in Minnesota and it was like negative five. And that was so cold I couldn't even like wait outside for an Uber. Yeah. Was it like fucking November too? Yeah. Or December.

It wasn't even the thick of winter. And now it's, what's 30 degrees colder than that? like in November too. Yeah. Or December. It wasn't even the thick of winter. Yeah. And now it's, what's 30 degrees colder than that? I mean, I was, I was outside even just this morning. I think it was probably like

10 degrees or something like that. And I was like waiting for my car and I was breaking down some cardboard boxes. And I like, didn't have a very heavy jacket because I was coming to LA and I didn't want to bring one.

And I didn't have gloves or anything. So I'm like to LA and I didn't want to bring one. And I didn't have gloves or anything. So I'm like, outside breaking boxes. I'm like, this will take five minutes. But I like, it felt like, what was that book? What's that book by Jesus Christ? By George R.R. Martin. No, no, no, no. Yeah.

The King Anus one? No, like the one with the guy that freezes to death outside. Oh, The Shining? No, no, not The Shining. The Giving Tree? No, not The Giving Tree. This is going to fucking kill me. Freakonomics?

It's like Jack London or something. Jack Call of the Wild? Maybe Call of the Wild? Yeah, it's like the same guy that did Call of the Wild. I think it's like a short story. Okay. I almost said Jack Frost. What was the one about Frosty the snowman?

But it's like about this hunter who's like out in the woods. He knows it's so cold and he doesn't have a lot of time to basically, like he falls into a river maybe. He doesn't have a lot of time to survive. He's got like three matches and he tries to light some brush with the match and it doesn't catch. He tries the second one and it doesn't catch. And he he's like trying really hard but like now his fingers are shaking like hypothermia setting in he like can't light the third match and he dies out there that's what happened to you this morning the boxes it felt like i was like cutting the the um tape with my with my keys and i like got through the first part of the box and i was like getting through

the second but then it was like the cold started to hit me and I like was losing my strength. I couldn't talk through the box. Wait, does that mean you're wearing long underwear right now? No, this morning I knew I was coming to LA, so I just like didn't bundle it up at all. My thought was that I was going right from my doorstep into the Uber.

That's your problem. Yeah. But that's how I always felt in New York. I'm like, I'm always going to be indoors. I'm going to be in a car, in a subway, in an office. Yeah. But, I mean, you used to have such a long walk from when you were on First and First and the office was in Union Square. You would do that entire walk?

No. I would take the subway. The longest walk was from the IAC building on 18th and the West Side Highway to the L train, which is like a 10-minute walk in and of itself. Right. Through a of itself. Right. Through a wind tunnel. Yeah. But then you get to go through Chelsea Market, which made it slightly better. Yeah.

You get a one-avenue respite. Yeah. Man. So you were just like, all right, fuck it. I'll deal with the cold. Yeah. I don't think I ever wore long underwear. I wore long underwear.

But the IAC building used to get so hot that I kept underwear at my desk. And I would sometimes change. Switch underwear. So what we need, this is like a Twinnovation episode, is like shades, how you can rise and lower them, version of underwear. Yeah, sort of like the zip-off cargo pants that turn into

cargo shorts, but for underwear. It's long underwear that you can sort of like once you get to your destination, you reach up through the bottom of your pant and just pull them off like you're doing a magic trick on a dining room table.

Yeah. That seems like it should be a work. We'll think about it. Anyway, wear long underwear, I guess, if it's cold out.

Yeah. All right. Let's see what else we got here. Questions to answer. Oh, we should say that we're having a show in New York that sold out on March 7th, followed by a show that is not yet sold out on March 9th.

How about that? How about that? So tickets are still available at jakeandemir.com. I don't think there's a lot either, but I love DC. I like going there. That'll be a fun one. It'll be our first shows in a while.

Yeah. When's the last show that we had? God, it must have been eight years ago in England. Eight years. We did the show this summer in England. Oh, that makes sense. All right, here's one. This is one from another dude.

Who else you got in that King Anus book of yours? I don't want to say King Magor because he was King Magor the cruel. So let's say John Dickhole. I don't want to say King Maegor because he was King Maegor the Cruel. So let's say John Dickhole. D-Y-Q-H-O-O-L-E. Oh, man, that's good. No, we'll go with King Anus's son, Jaehaerys. Who?

King Anus's son, Jaehaerys. Jaehaerys Anus? No, Jaehaerys Jaehaerys Anus? No, Jaehaerys Targaryen, dude Why don't they have the same last name? Well, his first name was Anus Targaryen Got it Anus' son, Jaehaerys Jaehaerys, right Good man

I'm a 17-year-old guy who got out of my first serious relationship four months ago So my friends thought it would be a good idea to set me up with a prom date within the friend group, and I got matched up with her, which I did not complain about. Not too long after this plan was made, it was broken up due to conflicts within the group between people, but I still want to take her to prom, and since she is a sophomore, I have reason to because she can't go unless a junior takes her. Shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong. She pees. So what? You might be saying, everyone pees. Well, yes, but she pees

randomly whenever she laughs really hard. This means at least twice a month when we are hanging out with friends, she pisses herself, sometimes in public. She peed at my house both times she's been there with me. Now, I know that this seems like a very manageable problem and it's not a big deal because a couple of the girls that are now mad at her made a pact that if she goes, they will make 100% sure she pisses herself at prom. Jesus. So she will soil her dress, be really upset, and want me to take her home, most likely thus concluding my prom night and my chances of getting ahead. Oh, God. Jesus. I'm all over the place on this question.

My question to you is this. Should I risk taking this sweet girl that I'm interested to in prom, even though she might piss herself and make my friends hate me, any and all advice is appreciated. Uh, thanks, love. Jaharius? Jaharius. And Jaharius would never behave this way. Jaharius the conciliator.

Okay. She pees? That's fine. When laughed? I'm more concerned with like these the environment that you're bringing her into like where like a bunch of girls have made a pact to embarrass her publicly and quote make her pee make 100 sure she pisses herself i would absolutely get like knock that plan down before you try to bring her to prom. How do you knock at, how do you make sure that other people don't like.

If they're your friends, just go and be like, hey, I really like this girl. Please don't try to make her piss herself at prom. Yeah. That's a really sadistic thing to do. Thank you. Right. And you don't want them to win to be like, all right, fine. I won't take her and subject her to this thing.

But then it's like, okay, then the bad guys won. Right. You don't want them to win to be like, all right, fine, I won't take her and subject her to this thing. But then it's like, okay, then the bad guys won. Right. You don't want that either. You want to take her and then be 100% on her side, on her team. Yeah. But I think that you do want to take her. Don't let them win. But I would like nip this in the butt as early as possible. That's cool. Nip it in the butt, like King Anus style. Yeah. That's what's cool. Nip it in the butt, like King Anus style. Yeah. That's what's up. King Anus would not have appreciated a queen that acted in the way that his friends are acting.

That's why he married his sister. Huh? King Anus married his sister. Why? That's fine to Jor- Because he's the blood of the dragon. All of the Targaryens wed brother to sister. Does that mean their kids have-

Their kids get married. King Aenys had a bunch of kids, including Jaehaerys and Alysanne, who are brother and sister, and they wed and married each other does that not does incest not breed um birth defects in this game of thrones not when you're the blood of old valeria it does not it probably does for a normal mortal man but these but the targaryens are are sort of like held a higher regard they want to keep their bloodline pure. So, in the pilot of Game of Thrones when it's revealed that the brother

and sister are fucking. They're not Targaryens. They're not Targaryens. So that's another brother and sister. Also, this is 300 years before. So, like,

during Game of Thrones incest is bad. And 300 years earlier incest is still bad but it's okay if the Targaryens do it. Got it. So everyone's like, it's fine if you Targaryens do it got it so everyone's like

it's fine if you guys are fucking yeah and then it's like those are the Lannisters that were fucking right and that's bad

that's bad because why because they're not from the old blood of Valyria they're the Andals yeah got it

Andals can't be fucking each other okay moving back to the real world anyway can I do a hot dog and tater tots this is off the kids menu right right chicken stars and waffle fries

what a bad shape for a piece of chicken to be i really need it to be in the shape of a star this person put it into a slurry uh shaped it into a star, and deep fried that. Dinosaur potatoes. So this person should still take her to the prom, even though these evil stepsisters promised to make her pee herself, which I don't even know how they would do. I don't think he should take her if they're going to do that. I think he's got to go and be like, I've already bought the corsage. I want to go to prom with this girl, but I'm not going to do it if you guys are going to ruin her life. So knock it off.

Don't do it. Quit it. Cool it. Okay. We got one more question, which is linked up to a follow-up pup. Remember a couple weeks slash months ago, there was this lady who was dating a guy who was going on a five-week backpacking trip through Asia. And he was like, let's have an open relationship while I'm in Asia. And then

she's like, I don't want to be in an open relationship when he's in Asia. And we said, he's probably going to be hooking up in Asia, regardless of if you're an open relationship. That's right. So she emailed us and said, hey, it's me again. I was the one with a boyfriend who wanted to have an open relationship while he was in Asia. Wanted to update you. A follow-up pup, if you will. Well, he's back. We both remained faithful while he was away and both kind of realized that's what's important here.

Things are great and I am thankful. However. Yes, baby. I have some additional questions. Is it weird that he still has pictures of ex-girlfriends on his Instagram that he refuses to delete? I keep saying it's weird and that I don't like the message they portray, but he says I'm overreacting, so I've tried to drop it. What are your thoughts?

Also, is it weird that him and his mother are still very close with one of his exes? He was with her for nine years, but they have been apart for four. I get that they have a strong history, but is this strange? Additionally, I recently found five SD cards full of her nudes and their sex tape from when they were younger. Is it weird to keep that shit? Because I am pissed as fuck about it. And again, he refuses to get rid of any of these, even though I have asked him to. And he said, and said that I

am upset by it. What items that I discussed above am I allowed to feel weird about or bothered slash upset by? Any insights are helpful. I love you and thank you. Love. I don't know, I forgot what he would call her. I think this relationship is poison. I think you guys

should break up. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, man. What do you do with past ex-girlfriends on Instagram? Those can stay up. I think that... Do you still have exes on Instagram? Yeah. Those just stay up forever? Yeah, I guess so. I'm not going to scroll all the way to the bottom of my feed and delete.

I don't know. I feel like Instagram is sort of like, it's also, it's like a journal of your life, all the places that you've been and things that you did. And I don't think that, like, exes, I don't know. It's not, like, embarrassing. It's just part of your past, whatever. And then also if you date somebody for nine years, that's your parents. People forge bonds. And I think it's weird if they're like super close, but I think they could stay in touch. That's normal.

The SD card and the porn and the sex tape thing, I think that stuff is like, I can understand hanging on to it if you're not thinking about it. But once your girlfriend finds it and asks you to get rid of it, you definitely have to get rid of it. Or at the very least, have the fucking, yeah, have the decency to lie about it. Yeah, put it on a Dropbox. So you take the SD cards, you put it in the Dropbox, and you're like, you know what? These SD cards are meaningless to me now. They're in the cloud. What's that? Oh, saying that I'm too proud. Too proud

about you. You have exes on your Instagram, right? I must. You've never deleted, you've never like gone back. I think that's something people do if they like are hurt by an ex. Right, like get the fuck out of my mind, get out of my life. Get out of my Instagram account. You've never, like, gone back and deleted a photo?

No, I don't think so. What do you think the mindset is when you're doing that? Like, of the person deleting or of the person asking to delete? Yeah, like, of you. Like, what would make you go back and delete a photo of an ex or something? Like, oh, fuck this person. Right. They broke up with me i'm not gonna

display this picture of me smiling with them yeah so if you're mad about it yeah i guess so but then if you leave it on and then the new girlfriend says that she's uncomfortable that's a that gets into a stickier situation because then you're like all right i'll delete it for you right does that make you happy that i'm doing it for you yeah that's weird and then the porn and on the sd card is completely separate yeah i would be mad if he wouldn't delete it he refuses to get rid of them it's all sorts of messed up and then when she says which one of the above am i allowed to feel weird about the thing is you're allowed to feel weird about anything right it's just whether or not the person that you're with agrees or disagrees with your anger yeah uh if he

if he's bothered by your being bothered the problem is when you guys both are upset by the other person's actions like he's upset that you're upset and you're upset at that upset and that's what creates these right then it's like are we even talking about the Instagram anymore? I wouldn't be. I'd be talking just about the sex tape that he won't delete. I will say that not deleting an Instagram is a lot more reasonable than not deleting a porn he shot with an ex. Yeah.

Why do you want to keep the porn around? Because that's hot. That's true. Why doesn't he put the porn on the Instagram, delete the SD card? You'd get flagged immediately. Not if nobody's looking at it. That's true. Yeah.

How long do you think just a layperson could get away with just posting straight smut? It matters how many followers that person has. If it's just two and they don't flag it. I should be able to just find, and they don't flag it. I should be able to just, like, find porn on Instagram, right? Yeah. Like, does it have to get reported, or are there bots that scrub for images that look like porn? Let's see if I can find porn on Instagram.

Find porn on Instagram. Let's sort of, like, what is that? That's a fucking tag. Porn art. Porn. Anything yet? Well, Pornhub has an Instagram, but it doesn't. Yeah, obviously that's not.

That's pretty censored. Wow, they have 5 million followers. And that's just censored porn. Yeah. Jesus. Imagine if they were allowed to express themselves creatively and sexually there should be i mean i guess there probably is but like what's just a straight up porn instagram or porn like what's like the instagram that porn is allowed to use you know what i mean yeah like at what point tumblr i

think but now tumblr got rid of porn they did yeah at what point in a website slash apps life do they make the decision, yes, porn is okay, or no, porn is not? Because Twitter is, they have porn. Yeah, Twitter, you can have porn. It's fine. Instagram, no porn. Bad. Facebook? Porn or no porn? No porn. No porn. I'll say no porn. There should be a website that says, what websites and apps allow you to have porn? Yeah. What if Google was like, hey, we don't want to do porn anymore? Right.

Everybody would be so fast on Bing. Bing, the porn engine. All right. So there's a lot of stuff for you to unpack with your lover. It goes deeper than just whether or not you're in an open relationship during when he's in Asia. Why don't you deal with it for the next six months? Send us another follow-up, pup. Yeah. Let's keep on following up.

But I'm going to go on record and say your relationship is doomed. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong. I want you to. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong. I want you to. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for writing in. The opening theme song was written by Maddie. This closing one was written by Danny Steele. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all to ifireyshow at gmail.com. We're in New York on March 7th. We're in D.C. on March 9th. Come on by and hang out with us during these live shows. They're going to be fun ones.

And we're still making videos for our Patreon at patreon.com.ja. Every other week is a new If I Were You that we also do record on video, so you can watch us there as well. We're also talking EPL, baby. That's right. I'm a big boner mouth fan these days. Bournemouth. Huh? We'll talk about it on the podcast. We're talking

soccer slash football slash English Premier League on our Patreon as well. Alright, thanks so much for listening and we'll be back next week. Ciao! Later! If I were you is the name of the show. Email if I were you, show at gmail.com. If you have a question, I need an answer. Jake and Amish know well they made a podcast.

If I were you is the name of the show. That was a HeadGum Podcast.