Segments - 37: The FriendZone

Episode Date: November 14, 2013

In this episode we discuss coincidences, confidences, and why the infamous "friend zone" doesn't actually exist. This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Let me hear you say Legal. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Girl, you're Legal is so Zoom. Let me lick your LegalZoom. So please check out LegalZoom.com. Use discount code Jake or discount code Amir. And most importantly, enjoy this episode.

Yeah. Please do. Please do. It's a special episode. It's a very special episode. It wasn't special. We actually answered questions on this one, so I think you'll appreciate it. That was my favorite part of this episode, actually, the way we answered them.

Thanks, guys. Enjoy the show. Yo. Yo. Yo, do you. That was Chandler. That was Chandler Bing, I think. And it's Chandler Bong himself. It's not a very popular comedy nerd thing to say, but I think Friends is one of the funniest shows ever.

Yeah, it really is. And it's sort of broad and mainstream, but it's also really, really funny. True. It's not cool, but I think I'm going to go out on a limb and say I liked Friends. I think Friends is actually funnier than Seinfeld. And I think you've said enough. Wow, that was so hot.

Yeah, you're authoritative now. The way you rose your voice. You pulled my hair back when you said that. Oh, God. Shit. No, I'm actually... Easy. Easy does it.

Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Josh. Trying it on jake i'm jake unfortunately for me i'm still uh this podcast i've tried out introducing myself as josh and it didn't take uh i'm not willing to give up uh that's like when i get ready to go out i look in the mirror and i call myself josh why i don't know it's just something i do i'm like hey i'm josh hey josh

like i that's how i practice introducing myself as josh yeah like when i'm like trying on clothes i'm like hey josh what a weird thing to do i know josh should never be as candid as you are now. Yeah, Josh is the guy I want to be. And Jake is unfortunately the guy that I am. Jake is Josh's evil twin. And uh-oh, it's me.

Holy shit, unfortunately I'm stuck as Jake, pretending to be Josh. Yeah, sorry pal, you're doing a podcast with an evil twin. A doppelganger, if you will. Mm-hmm. That's not fun. That's not fair to you or Josh. Yeah, but Josh might be cooler, but he's not as good of a podcast host

because he doesn't have these demons that you're battling. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That's true. You're right, man. I am a boss. No, I didn't say that. Thanks, man. I said you're psychologically, man. I am a boss. No, I didn't say that. I said you're psychologically on edge.

I appreciate that you think I'm a beast in the podcast regard. I didn't say that either. You absolutely did. I said you're, for whatever reason, so candid about your inner demons that it comes off as entertaining, so I appreciate it. Inner demons? Dude, I am a demon. Fucking inner demons. Oh yeah, I'm battling my inner demons. Yeah, my inner demons won and now I'm just a demon.

That's what demons are. Demons are humans where the inner demon won. Yep. Yeah, the battle's over. I lost the battle, lost the war. I have become a demon. And the thing is, it the war. I have become a demon. And the thing is, it was a genocide, I think, of the angels. So there's no coming back from that.

Except who I am. I accept what I am. Inside, I am scorched earth, nothing more. The bad side has more than one. It has repopulated the earth. And there's a new sect of more evil people that is currently waging a battle against there wasn't even ever a resistance never they didn't put up a fight because i guess they're pacifist uh-huh it was like the angels saw the demons just laid down and allowed them to like drive a tank over their faces and now i'm a piece of shit so what happened with other people that in my in my

my in my brain it's just uh angels on a swing unable to talk to girls or do anything like whoa let's let's chill out the demons that attack your angels are just like they're like flies that the angels are on a swing they just swat away the demon it's just like hey you should get french fries no mine is like oh go after your friend's ex uh i'll oppose say nay didn't think so mine is like four four angels playing badminton doubles and a little angel or a little devil fly buzzes up and they all just destroy it with their racket yep yeah they're like all right let's keep playing boys mine Mine is a demon walks up to an angel. It looks like there's going to be a fight, but then the angel unzips its face

and it's a bigger demon. Shit, man, I never had angels to begin with. Oh, no, it was always a demon. Fuck your friend's ex. Thanks, Mom and Dad. You were supposed to raise me with angels and it turns out you didn't give me jack squat yeah whatever whatever innate good people most people are born with i got jack shit nature

and nurture both teaming up against me how is that fair i never had i never had a fighting chance how does the podcast work i'm like uh i'm like at this point i'm crying so i think i'm sad i really do the earliest in the podcast i've ever um you know just felt like garbage self-loathing the hating of who i am well i think it's because we're recording on sunday night which is the pinnacle of the the time of the week that's self-loathing. This is the worst because last night at this time, I was king of the world. Yeah, you were Josh. I thought I was.

Josh would be like in reading. I was Jake last night. I was a complete piece of shit. I was just like, oh man, let's go out, let's get drunk, let's fucking meet chicks. And now, Sunday night, the August of times,'s just like oh man i'm a god let's go out let's get drunk let's fucking meet chicks and now and now sunday night the august of times i just want to have somebody's hand to hold on the couch that's it all i want is just to be you know your problem is you exist

in two different universes yeah unfortunately the week is not all sunday nights or nor is it all saturday nights yeah they cool you know, Tuesday's pretty chill, Wednesday get wild, Thursday is crazy. Here's an interesting, like usually it's like two days of weekend, five days of week, but lately you've been operating on the exact opposite schedule, which is a five day weekend and then two days of recovery. Yeah. Well, that's, yeah, that's true. I guess we go out, we went out pretty hard on Wednesday.

Yeah. Oh, after our live podcast. Yeah. We got true. I guess we went out pretty hard on Wednesday. Yeah. Oh, after our live podcast. Yeah. We got sauce. Yeah. We didn't eat dinner. Yeah, we got liquored up a little bit. We didn't eat.

Did we not eat dinner? Is that what it was? No, we did not eat dinner. We didn't eat dinner, and then we just drank whiskey. And that's what happens. The end. So, how does this podcast work? All right.

We basically talk about why Jake's a piece of shit, dissect it for half an hour, and maybe get to a question. No, just kidding. People find themselves in difficult places in their lives, and they don't have anybody to turn to, so they email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com. We comb through the thousands and thousands of emails that we get. Choose three to five every episode and do our best attempt to answer them, to advise them out of their terrible place. It's a flawless, flawless explanation. You know, I'll give you the credit of coming up with the idea.

We didn't know what our podcast should be. And Jake said an advice podcast. Yeah. And I was a little worried because we're not experts in anything. Nope. Luckily, that's what makes the show entertaining

because we are so out of our element. Yeah, we're so dumb. Yeah, nobody wants to see an expert answer questions. We might as well be, like, I modeled it, well, in my mind,

I wanted it to be like car talk. But they're experts. Yeah. But like, we might as well do a car talk podcast for how stupid we are. It's like, yeah, hey, there's a problem with my 1992 Chrysler Sebring.

We're like, oh, let's just make fun of the way he wrote the email. Well, let's not completely show these people how the sausage is made, all right? That's true. Were Sebrings made in 1992? I'm probably thinking of a LeBaron. Either way, it's a Chrysler, to be sure. To be sure. So let's get started.

Let's answer our first email. Yes. And we're going to give this person a fake name, though it's a real email. We're going to give him a fake name to preserve his... Anonymity. Anonymity. Here we go. Ready?

Yes. Hey, dudes. I'm in high school, so there's this minx that I like. I have two classes with her and we have a lot in common and get along very well. I asked her friend to ask this girl casually without being overbearing if she would entertain the idea of hooking up with me. She told her friend that she likes me too much as a friend. Where do I go from here? I still like her and she likes me, but only as a good friend.

How can I win her over and seduce her? Also, when I asked this girl to dinner one night, she agreed, then said she was sick and bailed. I'm lost, scared, and more than confused. Thanks. Bugs. Bugs. I can clear this up for you real quick. Yeah.

Sounds like a no-go. And your question of how do I seduce her is you don't. Oh, but she still likes him as a friend. He actually editorialized his own. He said good friend. Yeah. Because the friend was like, oh, sorry, no, she likes you too much as a friend. And he was like, all right, I appreciate that.

I'm a good friend. No, I didn't say that i just said uh she liked you too much as a friend right as in she's not attracted to you like you as a too much as a friend is the polite way of saying i'm not attracted to you right which is like we have so many emails that are like i'm in the friend zone with this chick she friend zoned me what do i do like dude that's not that's such a nice polite way of just being like ah the not hookup zone she thinks i'm ugly what do i do i'm in the ugly zone i think where she puts people that are ugly yeah she doesn't like my face or personality yeah how do i do this how

do i how do i get past her not liking my face oh you that you can't there's no breaking out of the friend zone because it doesn't the friend zone isn't a real thing. What is it? You're hideous. What's a more accurate title? I've broken out of the friend zone before. Really? Yeah.

Girl is like, sorry, I only like you as a friend. But you wear her down like erosion. You do just that. You have to be patient. That's all it is. You know, it's a very attractive quality. Being chill? Yeah.

Not giving a shit when you get rejected. Yeah. And it's not taking failure well. Like, you can get a little bummed when you fail. But I'm talking about... You're a human. Yeah, but when you're rejected, the best, most attractive thing you can do is at least pretend like you don't give a shit. Right.

And at best, actually not give a shit. Best is actually not giving a shit. Yeah. For sure. Because when you see someone who gets rejected and they stew and they're angry and they're jealous and they're bitter, that's the bad mode. That's like that validation of like, oh, man, yeah, it's a good thing I rejected that person. Yeah, because he's crazy. You know, there was one time I did this like maybe last summer, but I would like cancel plans. I would like cancel on girls just to see how they reacted.

Oh, that's good. You're like an evil scientist. Yeah. Yeah. You're like tinkering with these mice. You're growing an ear on the back of their spine. Oh, congrats, dude. You pointed out that I was an asshole.

Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. I'm a jerk, I think. I'm glad that you told me I'm glad Yeah now I'll change The problem is that I can't I already know I'm a jerk

The problem is that you won't It's not that you can't Anyway the story goes Three out of three girls failed I canceled on this girl And she was so cool about it That I wanted to go out with her that night. I was like, oh, shit. Now I changed my mind.

Yeah. We should go out. I like you. Yeah. It's weird because you grow up thinking, oh, have some perseverance. Go for it. Do it. Give it your all.

When somebody tells you no, don't take that for an answer. Right. It's like, oh, it's super cool to be a go-getter. Yeah. Yeah, no. It's actually, well, it's different in dating. Because if you're in a job, if you ask for a promotion and they're like no, then it does look cool to you go back in the next month. You work really hard and you go back and ask again.

Right. But with a girl, it's like super not normal. The best way to get her is to act chill yeah act chill act so chill that you actually become chill you know like a lot of people say if you fake laugh um for long enough you'll start laughing yeah or if you like just pretend that you're over someone yeah until it actually becomes the norm yeah fake. Fake it till you make it. That's weird advice to give on a podcast, right? Hey, man. Don't do you.

Don't do you. Don't do you. Yeah. We'll separate all of the advice into either you do yous or don't do you. Or do the new you. Do the new you.

Which is, you know what? She wants me as a friend okay fine next yeah i want to be with someone who actually does want me i don't want to i don't want to have to win someone over it could have been the way you phrased the question which is like do you uh would you maybe consider hooking up with him not like going on a date with him like hanging i don't know yeah you can learn from this mistake and but move it on to a different lady. You don't have to work on this girl. Yeah, I wouldn't even like, yeah, don't.

Which is easy for us to say. Right. Of course. What was the last time you were rejected? By, like in what sense? Like you fired a bullet, you swung a bat, as you said. Didn't happen. Like I asked a girl out on a date and she said no?

Yeah. Or you asked a girl to meet you one night and she's like no well like that happens all the time and you and you how do you react to that um i don't care you've become the cool guy well like i mean like when you're out and you're like oh like i'm drunk i'm like trying to meet up with people and like you text you know you text someone they're texting you and then like you end up just going home or like you meet somebody else and you just i don't know i think that's like that's micro rejection yeah because like i'll sometimes reject people and then like sometimes they'll reject me and it's sort of like this ebb and flow and then sometimes we meet up right the only i think it's like 2009 i asked someone on a

date and they said yes and then they canceled how dare they yeah and you were beat up about it i was pretty sad and did you say what why how can you didn't you what you just changed your mind i can change too let's let's figure this out well yeah and then i asked all of her friends yeah you put in a good word for me i'd like. I'd like to seduce her. I stood outside her window like John Cusack and say anything, but I held up the boom box and nothing was coming out, so I tried to press play. And then your shoulders started to hurt.

Yeah, it clipped me, and it clipped me in the eye, and then she came out just then and like i was my eye was bleeding and i started crying a little bit and then like this this dude like this dude came over he was like i thought he's gonna help me i was like hey please please i like my eye i think i think i scratched my cornea and he like and then he just like fucking he just dug his hand in my pocket took my phone took my wallet he took like like he took my keys i'm like you can't do it like that's my that's my apartment keys You don't even know where I live. Please at least leave me the keys.

He chucked them into a tree. It was crazy. And the way, I don't know, it was either serendipity or fate or an act of God, but the ring actually went perfectly around a twig. Like an ornament. Yeah. Serendipity, by the way. Another John Cusack movie, which I tried to recreate. So I went to this girl's library and I wrote in every single book, which I think he does in that movie.

I wrote a little note with my number. And yeah, she called the police because I guess I had broke and entered. And then I was also defacing her property. So I don't know. Yes, you do. I took rejection hard that day. That was a bad day. That was a bad day for sure.

All right, so our advice to this guy is? Move on. Moveon.org. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. All right, next question. Next.

Let's call this guy Daffy Duck. Daffy Duck writes. How does he write? That's all. That's not Daffy Duck. Yeah, dude. Suffering fuckatash. That's Sylvester the Cat.

Yeah. I thought I called Puddy Cat. What's Taz sound like? Yeah, that's Taz. Yeah, yeah. Elmermer foot is like yeah what's up doc no that's bugs that's bugs yeah all right like this is like what i do with like my little cousins where it's like you like purposely get things wrong we're like oh yeah and the dog says moo no that's the first joke it really is yeah it's like the disconnect between what an animal actually says and who it is.

That's the first joke that you learn. And you're still telling it. Yeah, I love that one. I love the dog moo one. I'm going to use that as a Tinder joke from now on. Yeah, when we go out on the road, I think I'm going to open with that. I think I'm going to say, welcome. The dog says moo.

And then I'm going to... You know, it's a pretty solid opening on Tinder. And if people do this and screenshot it, send it to me and let us know if it works. If I read a show at gmail.com. So you say, so you write knock, knock. Uh-huh. And like, obviously, obviously, who's not going to respond to a knock, knock joke. And they write, who's there?

And you write, interrupting cow. And then they write back's there and you write interrupting cow and then they write back interrupting cow and you say shit and you write back moo fuck that is a good one thank you have you used it no i just came up with that i'm gonna i'm definitely gonna i'm gonna swipe as soon as we're done just so I can use it tonight that way like a girl would know that you're funny yeah that's true and since you're attractive and funny they'd want to meet up with you yeah and then when we meet up and I'm attractive

and funny and I pay for the drinks with my Amex platform you're suddenly uh oh I'm three for three I'm funny I'm attractive and I'm rich yeah shit I'm a baller oh my god and then uh oh they hear the podcast and I'm funny, I'm attractive, and I'm rich. Yeah, shit, I'm a baller. Oh, my God.

And then, uh, uh-oh, they hear the podcast, and, uh, I'm all of a sudden talking about all the girls that I'm fucking, and, uh, I get a text that says, hey, I don't know what you think I am, but, but, like, you lied to me. And then I say, sister, I never lied to you. It was an omission of the truth. And they say, that's considered a lie. And then I say, is it? And then I say, knock, knock. You diva, you're really not going to respond to that.

Let's start over. Interrupting you. Interrupting you who? Interrupting a you who board meeting. All right, ready? Yep. Interrupting a you who board meeting. Yeah, they're talking about rebranding their new drink.

They got to. Yeah, like a white chocolate drink. Actually, this episode is brought to you by YouWho. No, it's actually brought to you by LegalZoom. LegalZoom. Yeah, it sounds like YouWho. Very interesting. Another delicious beverage.

I know. You still don't know what any of our sponsors do. Very nice. You lovable idiot. You lovable, lovable man. Alright, ready? Yep. Hey guys. Love the show.

What? I'm early 20s and have been with my girl for five years. Jake would probably cringe at this. Everything is sweet, mad loving. She cooks, cleans, active, and funny. And in with her was no problemo. But the other day, in the car, I thought I saw her pick her nose, but I wasn't sure.

Forgetting about it until we were on the couch later, I turned to laugh, and there was definitely a pick. And it wasn't just a rim job. It was in. This isn't enough to break up a great relationship, but it's also bugging me. Regards, Daffy. What? What sort of stuck-up relationship is this five years in i love that he's like this isn't enough to break up a great relationship yeah of course not no yeah we know what what breaking up is about here but there is a disconnect because i don't even think that's enough to write into the podcast about

it's insane it's five years and you just saw her pick her nose now? By five years, you should be shitting while she showers. At five years, you're shitting in her mouth, I think. At five years,

you're taking off her tampon while she's eating Greek yogurt on the toilet. Yeah. At five years, you're pissing in her face. Yeah, yeah. At five years,

you're masturbating while she's watching The Oxygen Network and you're both on the couch. Oh, wow. She's eating popcorn and you're just cranking it. Yeah, yeah. In five years, you're masturbating while she's watching The Oxygen Network, and you're both on the couch. She's eating popcorn, and you're just cranking it. Yeah, cranking it, pouring on, not even headphones. It's just very loud, very violent. In five years, it's an open book.

Five years, yeah. Picking noses, oh my gosh. No, you're – there is like – how long does it take for you like fart in front of a girl um a month or two a month or two yeah like i'm not i'm not holding it in forever i um i waited four years once four years for one fart i'm just kidding yeah uh but it is there is like there are those little steps in relationships you should be happy that she's picking your nose

in front of you and you know also concerned that she finally became comfortable around you yeah if anything it's a little alarming that you waited five years

but now that the romance is completely dead I figure she thinks okay floodgates are open you never pick your nose you never pick your nose we both pick our noses we pick

I mean we like me and you shameless pick our nose. It's disgusting what we do. We dig and flick. We dig, yeah. We dig and roll and flick. Yeah.

We dig, we roll, we roll and roll and flick. Dig, dig, dig, flick, flick, flick. The picky and scratchy nose. Wow. Was that a new high or a new low? Get out of my basement. Oh, my God. Yeah.

No. Of course. Holy shit. You're throwing me out. Guys, what the fuck is happening? They can't help you now. Help. I'm just concerned because she picked her nose,

and I fear what's going to come next is she's picking the inside of her asshole. She's just flicking crusty poop across the apartment. Some dingled berries. She's just rubbing her ass across the carpet like a dog or something. I'm afraid she'll start snail trailing the entire place. Oh, no. Hashtag snail trail. You got to chill, man. You got to let her do you

This is like a Seinfeldian Yeah So she picked her nose There was a pic There was a pic It was a Seinfeldian Oh yeah She sees him pick

He's in a cab He's in a Oh wait He's in a cab And he's like scratching his nose Yeah And like the girl he's dating Like sees him

And she's like Yeah And he's like No, no, no I wasn't picking i wasn't picking the real surprise should be that like she pulled up in a cab next to someone she was dating that's pretty crazy yeah what are the odds that never happened that's what the episode should have been about i remember when i was one time i was visiting new york before i here. My cousin lived here. Yeah? Then what? Yeah. Anyway. What?

Tell me what happened after. I feel like now it's like the story is so anticlimactic. That the joke of me interrupting you to hear more is funnier than the punchline. Yeah. Wow, shit. Then what? We pulled up. And then?

We were on the 6 train. Oh, I'm'm gonna get this and uh we pulled into yeah the station and like right in front of the door the station

okay my cousin just like I was on the train he was right in front of the door yeah saw me and I was like

oh hey Pete and he was like this is insane I was like ah what's up yeah I'm in New York he's like

no it doesn't work like that yeah this is crazy that I'm seeing you I hate when's like, no, it doesn't work like that. This is crazy that I'm seeing you. I hate when people don't react to coincidences as much as they should. Like, I'm trying to think of a good example. Oh, I meet someone at a party. I'm like, is your birthday January 3rd? She's like, yeah. I just guessed it.

I guessed it correctly and you're just like yeah no no no that is a fucking miracle i'm a psychic now and you don't seem i just professor x'd you and you don't give at all of his shit no and then the worst is like uh you guess something correctly and somebody's like you probably just subconsciously read it before like no i didn't read it before how dare you fucking guess how dare you i did not read it i guessed the capital of whatever and it was correct that's insane that's yeah that's you but now you probably knew it well i mean if you if you think you guessed a capital okay that one is a little i swear to god i i swear to god i didn't know hartford was a city until i fucking said it i just fucking made up the word hartford and they were like yeah that's amazing

you uh it's the capital you got it yeah bad example on that but you know what I mean here's another good example another good example you just came up with one bad example so here's a good example a good example I was in a NFL

pick league last year where you pick every single game against the spread and then at the end of the year i realized the year my friend realized that we had picked every single tampa bay game correctly we're 16 and 0 to call 16 coin flips in a row is astronomically impossible like in the mill one in millions very cool nobody yeah it doesn't mean it doesn't seem like a hard thing. And, um... You don't get it. Cool, man. If I tell you to call

heads or tails and you pick it correctly 16 times in a row, we could do that a million times and odds are it wouldn't happen. No, not me, dude.

I would get that. I really would. I'd figure it out. I know. All right, let's do it right now. Flip a coin right now. All right, I don't have a coin, but, like, let me...

Flip anything. Yeah, I'll call it. I'll call it correctly three times in a row. Here we go. Okay, three times. By the way, do you know the odds of getting a correct coin flip three times in a row? 50%. I love that.

The look in your eyes of an idiot trying to be smart. 50%. I got it. 50-50 each time time it's like in that breaking bad episode where and you know the metal we need is and jesse's like oh wire and that's the last element oh the same episode uh jesse is like could you like build a robot or or like or make something to make a battery? And then Walt is like, he stands up. He's like, yeah, let's do it.

Get me this, this. He's like, what are we doing? It was your idea. He's like, a robot? God, that show is so good. All right, here we go. Flipping a coin. You getting three correct.

One and eight. Ready for this? First one. Heads. I'm going to edit out the fact that I dropped the coin and cannot find it right now. We don't know where it went. Are you flipping it? It was heads.

Right off the bat. Two more. Ready? Tails. Catch it once, dude. You said tails? Yeah. It was heads. Bullshit.

You didn't catch it. This is just a two-hour podcast of us doing this. So anyway, our advice is heads, heads, tails, I think. What is... Yeah, wait. Our advice to this dude is just get over it. I mean, holy shit. She picked her nose. She's she's great super fun sexy there's mad loving she cooks you are in

love with her um I'm trying all right let's try to relate try to relate nope can't you're an asshole yeah you suck no can you relate I mean mean, there are little nitpicky things. I used to fart around my exes, and they would be like, hey, that's disgusting. Stop. But I don't know. That's all you can do. She's completely free to pick her nose. Yeah.

At least maybe you'll feel better if you tell her it's gross. Be like, hey, you're disgusting. But tease her about it. Be playful. Don't be an actual asshole. Maybe you should pick her nose. Be like, hey, you're disgusting. But, like, tease her about it. Be, like, playful. Don't be, like, an actual asshole. Maybe you should pick her nose. Be like, do you like this? Do you like this?

But go too far where you, like, cut her. She's like, oh, oh, you nicked me, Peter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you nicked me. Oh, Patty, ah, geez, ah, gee whiz. Oh, God, Peter. I like that. Oh, God. You pierced my sinus, ass.

I am an ass. Ow. Oh, Betty, you're not going to like this, but I don't like the sight of blood. I know. Oh, my God. That's projectile. Oh, God. All of a sudden, she's not too gross for picking her nose.

You just picked her fucking skin off there and then puked on her face. Didn't you daffy uh the fake name i used was peter but that's not his real name so don't worry about that guys yep all right we're about about right around the half hour marks let's take our little break i thought of a good thing for our break i thought of one too but i don't know what what do you have uh our new styles and identities in at los angeles oh yeah that's pretty good what was your gonna be the uh what happened after the live show oh no we can talk about that later um what we won't talk about it

uh i i we were at we were out with people yesterday, and somebody had suspenders. And just putting them on, like, jokingly made me feel cool. Yeah. And then I'm like, oh, this is how it starts. You jokingly wear something that's sort of ostentatious. Streeter has a College Humor article that's really funny. Oh, joke hat becomes real hat? Yeah, it's so clearly.

I saw it happen to him. Well, that's what it is. It is so many people it's it's sort of like you with a mustache yeah yeah totally it's like oh look at this mustache and then the next time around it's like i think look at this silly mustache and then the third time it's like i have a mustache i like this mustache this is it this is my look the hardest thing about pulling off the suspenders is well that mental uh leap that i have to take now where it's not like, oh, I'm wearing these suspenders as a joke because somebody gave them to me at a bar. Or now it's like I went out and I bought suspenders. I wanted to wear suspenders and I'm wearing suspenders. But I think it's a cool style. If you like it, then it's like your heart is true.

I really think it's true. You're earnest and genuine and i think if you're pure of heart i think you can wear the suspenders and you won't be ridiculed at the very least you don't deserve it because like you're not doing it to be cool right because you felt cool you felt good in them and you like the way they look well just like another aesthetic of like a 50s nerd thing that's now like a cool thing yeah totally and you said your thing is gonna be sleeve tattoo which really just goes to show you the differences between us like i'm like should i get a suspenders oh that's kind of that's kind of a big little leap and you're like i want

to permanently make my arm colors i want to forever have colors here. I really do think about just like, I mean, I don't know. Why not? I like the way it looks. Because it'll be cool. It'll look cool for 10 years. And then you'll be an old person with a sleeve tattoo. I think dads with sleeves are kind of cool looking. Yeah, but there are cool dads, but then they're young.

But like, imagine, what about cool grandpas with sleeves? Definitely. I think I only stay cool. Okay, follow-up question. how do you design a sleeve that's the thing that i don't like i feel like i can't walk in as a 28 year old and be like hi i'd like i'd like my whole arm done now what oh i don't know whatever a sleeve just uh have at it i also i have tattoos, and I regret each one of them. Yeah, that's like a bad omen. It doesn't bode well that I'm like, all right, three bad ones,

and then a thousand new ones that are going to be good, I think. I'm due for a great one, and it's going to take up my entire arm. I feel like I'm just also not likable. So I feel like I walk into a tattoo parlor, and I'm going to take up my entire arm. I feel like I'm just also, I'm like not likable. So like when I, I feel like I walk into a tattoo parlor and I'm like, hey, can you like help me design a sleeve? And they're like, yeah, no. You kind of have to like come in here with an idea. I'm like, oh, totally.

I'm sorry. Bye. I'm like too intimidated to go in and talk to someone about a tattoo. Well, what do you love as much, so much that you would get a sleeve of? I think like. The problem is your loves are just like text messages. Yeah, so like my forearm is like the Tinder flame. And then like up here on bicep,

that's going to be my hinge, like a hinge H. Yeah, and then the OKC logo. The OKC logo. And then just like the text, like the SMS, the text icon is pretty cool. How dare you? How about like the phone icon with like fucking, like a no through it? Oh, don't think so i would just get like just text messages like no no i don't

think so right yeah no i shouldn't um i don't know i like um like usually sleeves have themes right i like i mean i i like nature a lot maybe there's some kind of like... Oh, like a Yosemite landscape. That'd be cool. I like birds. I really like hawks. So I think I'm going to get like an Atlanta Hawks player, like Dominic Wilkins. I've always wanted a hawk tattoo. Which Hawks? Bud Webb?

Nice, man. Why? Why are you mad at that? All right, let's talk about what happened after the Littlefield show then. Enough about that, actually. Should we try to answer one or two more questions? Yeah, I'm down. You know, we're already here.

Why not? Remember when we said this podcast would be half an hour long? We were lying. Now it's half an hour short. Oh, bad laugh. What happens? That's my new laugh now. I chose it.

It chose me. Don't make me laugh, Amir. Please. Don't make me laugh. I can't. Your laugh is Tarzan fucking mid-swing. I can't laugh again, no. Merce.

Ready? Merce. Yup. Last question maybe Hey dudes Oh this one comes from Porky the pig Oh I like this one

Ready? Yes Try to Try to stay focused It's a little A little bit longer Alright I'm gonna Pop on

OKC Hey I need you here with me I need you here Look at me man I fucking know Don't You're not gonna lose you man I'm not I need you here. Look at me, man. I fucking know. You're not going to lose you, man.

I'm not going to lose you. Come on, dude. Look at me. Look at me. Don't say goodbye. Don't say goodbye. Ooh, yeah, that sounds like pretty fucking fun. Hey, guys.

I have an issue with girls. I have been described as funny and charming, and I generally have no problem confidently talking to anyone, opposite sex or not, when I'm having a fun night out. But recently I found myself feeling like the ugly duckling of my group of friends. I don't think that I'm a bad-looking young man, but when I see how most of my friends are kind of like Jake and have about three girls at a time chasing after them,

it makes me think, what's wrong with me? Maybe it's just a confidence issue, but whenever I'm out drinking with my friends, I can't seem to hook up with a girl that I find interesting, but my friends seem to have no trouble with it and end up getting with the girls I try to impress. Is it just that I don't feel comfortable in a club since I can't really talk, so then my looks are the main selling point with a girl? Is it that I have to rethink how I approach girls in a club environment? Is it that those girls that I'm trying to impress just aren't the right sort of girls for me? Or is it something else that I'm completely oblivious to?

Do you ever feel like this, Amir, when you're hanging out with Jake? Love, Porky the Pig. Do you? Yes, I do. It was sort of condescending and funny to read it. But yeah, I mean, when you're out with people that are much more successful with ladies, you have to like, okay, rethink your approach. I think you're successful with ladies. But I'm not as successful.

This guy's like worried that, oh, I'm hanging out with people that are more successful with girls, which is gonna happen. I mean, not everybody is great at everything. I mean, it happens to me too. I go out with guys who have better luck with girls than I do.

But this guy is sort of going through, I think what I go through, which is like when you go out to certain places, it's filled with ladies that is not your type of lady. Yeah. Like this guy's strong suit

is probably being charming and funny. And it's hard to be charming and funny when it's sweaty, loud, and dancey. You can dance funny. Yeah, that's a good tip. Dancing, you should always just dance. Yeah. That's a good advice in general.

I think I heard somebody, I think maybe it was Chris Gethard who said it on the Pete Holmes podcast, but that's a really good advice. He's always like, just dance. Nobody's good at dancing, but girls like guys that are just dancing. And you're not going to be great but you're at least going to be dancing just yeah have fun be inclusive dance also i would say well try to like go to some places that play to your strengths where you can talk to people yeah like a calculus review session yeah that's dope people roll there right we usually answer

questions of people that are like lack self-awareness and this guy is like hyper self-aware this guy has too much self-awareness it's it's it might be getting to his head at this actually come out with us dude he steals all my girls wait a minute now i have to write it to his podcast i yeah i think uh i mean also if you're charming and you can talk to people it's it's not always about just like going home and meeting somebody that night start and start making groups of friends and like then you can invite people out right that way like say you meet somebody you charm them talk to them say hey you should come out with me and my friends maybe

she comes with a bunch of friends and on the way there they're like oh you have to meet porky the pig he's like super cool he's really funny so then like they're coming in and viewing you in a positive light you need to like expand your circle so you're not just like rolling to a club or a bar with four dudes trying to like take chicks home right and i'll show up and like have a have more like have friends have girls meeting you there right i mean first of all this is probably where a lot of people land, where it's like, I'm fine looking, I'm charming enough, and I'm funny enough, but it's just not hitting. Right. I'm cool once people give me a chance.

Right. But it is that first chance. Right. It's usually based on looks alone. And you have to be sort of in, you have to, it's this delicate balance of you have to be confident, but not overly confident. Yes. Like you have to be confident in your abilities,

but also not overcrowd somebody. Yeah. It's weird. Tell you what, man, um, it comes to me naturally. So like,

just do that. Just be, don't be you, uh, be me. Yeah. I think just, uh,

trust your gut and hope that it's the same as mine. But if it's not, you're fucked. All right. But his specific question of, is it that I have to rethink how I approach girls in a club environment? I don't think you're approaching them incorrectly. I think it's just not going to happen in a club environment yeah like guys that are great in a club environment are what like uh tall uh physically uh imposing uh great dancing confident dudes i don't know who does well at

clubs or like guys with uh tables bottle service you could just like spend mad money get bottle service yeah have you thought about perhaps making models nervous maybe that could do you are making models nervous then you have gotten the bottles a good place to meet i feel like for for this type of person aka my kind of person your dude a good place to do it is birthday parties yeah if it's always a friend's friend yeah friends friends friend's friend is the way to go your friend's friend your friend's cousin your ex's friend. Friend's friend is the way to go. Your friend's friend, your friend's cousin, your ex's friend. I find it helps to be funny in their proximity, but not necessarily at them. Yes. Just funny around them.

Like who's this funny guy who's not necessarily cornering me at a party, just like being funny. Smiling. Yeah. I smile all the time. You're right. Even like when I, if I like am near girls, I'll just like start smiling and laughing with my friends. Cause it's like, oh, those people are having fun.

When you're out, you want to be around people having fun. Right. You don't want people who are like fighting or angry or sad. It was a, maybe it was like over the summer or something that I went out with somebody. It was like the end of the night. It was like four. We like really want, we like didn't meet a girl the entire night. I can't say it. It was like the end of the night. It was like four. We like really want, we like didn't meet a girl the entire night. I can't say it.

It was Dave. And he was like, all right, we're at whiskey. It was like, okay, we're going to go to Kim folk. We went to this bar back down the street.

We walked in, walked to the back, walked out. Dave, I like walked in. I saw Dave just pointing at the door. He's like, he's shaking his head.

No, nothing. Go to like, all right, Brooklyn bowl, a bar across the street, walked in, took a lap, just like straight business.

Just like supermarket sweep of dating. And of course we met no one. We walked all, then we walked all the way to Cameo, like four blocks away. And we walked in, walked in the back. We're like, there's nothing.

And Dave is like, all right, should we go to Crown Vic? Which is like eight blocks from there. And I was just like, you know what, man? I think not like we're not putting out the vibe of like being nice cool fun guy whoa who's that guy who just ran in here looked around six times and then sprinted out i think he's my soul mate this this pied piper of pussy not how you do it you have to like you act like you don't want the shit and they give you the shit for free to like, you act like you don't want the shit and they give you the shit for free. Swingers. That's right.

Swingings. Act like you don't need the shit and you get the shit for free. Celebrities don't have to, the rich people don't have to pay for things. It's so weird how that works, right? That's not fair. Yeah. Rich people get stuff for free. Yeah.

And they wonder why 1% of the population has 80% of the wealth. I mean, look at the numbers, people. Look at the numbers. We're talking about, I'm not even talking about communism. I'm talking about a more even distribution of capital funds. Absolutely. It, people. Look at the numbers. We're talking about, I'm not even talking about communism. I'm talking about a more even distribution of capital funds. Absolutely. It's simple.

It's simple math. It's Reaganomic. It's economic. It's trickle down. It's trickle down. It's trickle down Carteronomics. Top of the pie? How about top of the pie? I don't even want a slice.

I want the crust. I want the crust. This is me at the club talking to a girl. Also, what about Ok cupid for this guy yeah you try online dating for sure because that's a great way to just be a lot of profiles are of people who are not funny if you could be charming and witty and writing that's a good way to go yeah but i feel like his thing isn't like necessarily i need to meet girls it's like i want to be on the same level as my friends and i think you might just have to accept that you're that you're not going to do well when your friends go to the club but you

guys have to go somewhere after the club you start saying uh let's go to an after party right and you're the one that's like charming and funny and cool and that's more to your strength and don't get jealous don't get like hateful because that's when you really start to fall apart right because all girls have friends your friends can hook up with people, and that's just going to mean your circle of people is expanding. There's more girls. The more girls they hook up with, the better it is for you. Yeah. I have to hang out with you more, I think.

No, you don't. If anything, I have to hang out with you less. You push people away, and I don't mean that in some sort of, oh, no, your vibe is bad. Yesterday when we were out, you pushed a girl to the ground. Yeah, she was accosting you. Yeah, she was dancing with me. She was robbing you, I think. Nope, she had her hand on my back pocket.

Yeah, ready to swipe your wallet. And I said, absolutely not. That's what you said from the back of the cop car after the police were called on you i said i said chick magnet no no i'm a chick uh hagmet and i shoved her yeah you from the back of the car you kicked out the windows you tackled your arresting officer and said you were making a citizen's arrest this is uh more than illegal i dragged her down to the precinct and they handcuffed me, actually. Can you make a citizen's arrest on a police officer? I'm going to go on record as stating yes.

No. That's like walking into a courtroom and sentencing the judge to prison. That's what you can do in Australia. I should be sentencing you. Excuse me. Oh, we got so many comments about Movember being started in Australia. Yeah, it's funny. I went to trivia night at a bar that night,

and it was right after we answered that question about Movember being in Australia. And he's like, Movember actually started in this city, which is near the Yola River. And I didn't get it, but I i was like i think somebody in my group is like i think it's australia i'm like yes i think it is australia and we guessed sydney but it was melbourne oh wow so it almost almost helped us out really close uh unfortunately we lost and the podcast goes on because the grand prize was going to be enough money to retire. Really? Where were you playing trivia? I was playing it at Harris Casino. You are the 1%.

It was a $2,900 buy-in, 6,000 entrant, main event, $1 million prize, trivia night. It was more lucrative than Jeopardy, I think. Of course. Absolutely. Nobody's won that much

money on Jeopardy. all right all right we're out of time let's let's hit the road jack and we will come back no more no more no more we will come back ever more uh we're releasing this podcast on thursday which means it's the first day of our live tour oh my goodness tonight we're gonna be in arlington tonight then we're going to philadelphia burlington boston ann arbor madison chicago minneapolis we want to see you please We're going to be in Arlington tonight. Then we're going to Philadelphia, Burlington, Boston, Ann Arbor, Madison, Chicago, Minneapolis. We want to see you. Please come out. Say hi.

Hang out. And it would be fun to try to make it a situation where not only we get to perform in front of our fans, but we get money. We really get money. It's that. Oh, really? Yeah, we really do. It's about that.

We really want to get the most. Hey, everybody, buy tickets because we love money. Performing's fine. Traveling is fine. Fans are cool, I guess, but money is what it's all about. Let's say you live in Florida. Oh, come to Florida. No, no, no, we're not coming to Florida.

You buy a ticket to Madison and you don't show up. That's what I want you to do. Yeah, we are the 1%. We are the 1%. You don't have to come to the freaking crowd to buy a ticket. Anyone can buy a ticket. This is called, you guys out there, this is called negging. Okay?

And we think it works. We think everybody's logging on right now, buying a ticket. The Madison show is sold out. Credit cards are coming from Miami. Holy shit. The theater is empty, but don't worry, you guys made maximum money. The facts are in on StubHub. We had a perfect game going, but now it's eBay.

So please, yes, do try to come out and hang out with us. It's going to be fun. For sure. We want to hang. We want to chill. Because these are places

that we've never been to before. It's true. I'm excited to see Madison. Me too. I'm excited to be in and where else have I been? I've been everywhere else. Because we were in Minneapolis once.

Yeah, but we were in these places for a little bit, but we didn't hang, hang in these cities. We're hanging hard at this shit. Don't touch the cord. Absolutely don't touch the microphone cord. So they're static, and then people complain. I read the comments, and it kills me because Jake played with a microphone cord.

Holy shit. Yeah. Let's sign off. this was the last podcast the first i don't deserve to be scolded like a child the uh we're still accepting theme song submissions so please keep them coming the first one was from somebody named peter and this last one is from someone named kiernan now it might be the case where the first one was from someone named Kiernan. The last one was from someone named Peter. I was able to put those names in my short-term memory bank, but don't remember the exact order at which I received them.

So please enjoy this theme song from either Peter or Kiernan. Perfect. Thanks, guys. you, I'd tell you what I would do. If I were you, it's easycheese.com. That's it. That was our episode. Thanks again to LegalZoom for being such a cool sponsor. So please check out LegalZoom.com if you have any business questions. And remember to use coupon code Jake or coupon code Amir. Peace. I'm out.