Segments - 37: The One Percent

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

In this episode we discuss our shortcomings, our longcomings, and then try to guess who is 51.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit.

Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Second.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Your first podcast as a single man in a while. Yeah, well, I mean, I wouldn't say first podcast as a single man in a while. Yeah, well, I mean, I wouldn't say first podcast as a single man in a while because there's, you know, on some level, the relationship was broken for a long time. I was living on my lonesome. I was living in solitude. I guess we should say it's official. Jill has served me. Woo! And where are you?

You're back at your parents' basement? I'm back at my parents' basement, but I have set my Tinder radius to desperate. So that is up to Red Deer in Canada, down to Tallahassee, Florida. Down to Mexican Hat, Utah. Mexican Hat. You know, I've been to Mexican Hat. I got the sombrero.

I did. I have a... Yes. I actually believe it's on my Instagram. Really? Yeah, I think so. I think so. You're living La Vida lockdown. Back in the parents basement. Yeah. Absolutely absolutely solo dolo cold and dumb yeah and it's a gorgeous day it's well it's a little hot but you know i would love to be

upstairs i would love to be outside i would love to be at the pool but no i'm in i'm in the basement, windowless, pretty bad ventilation actually. Yeah. Sad. It's dank. It's damp. It's cold. That's one thing I was going for. It's a little chilly down here.

Right, because heat rises. It leaves the basement kind of dank and wet. Heat rises and I don't. Well, this is Segments, the only podcast hosted by us on the entire web. I'm still here. I am forever, Jake. Speaking of me, you asked ChatGPT to come up with some trivia questions about myself. Right.

That's right. Well, I had the idea that i would do like a year 2000 trivia um you know everything all things that happened in 2000 i was like will this be interesting and i searched um or you know i asked chat gbt to give me 10 questions about what happened in the year 2000 and it wasn't that interesting you know uh, the movie that won Best Picture, I believe, was The Gladiator. Which now is coming out with a new one. I don't know if you saw Gladiator 2 coming soon. Now that actually is really fascinating.

But no, then you asked me to see if it could make a quiz about Jake and Amir or you. And I asked, it answered. It was pretty, the first round of questions was pretty bad. It was like, what web series did Amir Blumenfeld star in at College Humor? Yeah, like what is, I believe it also said, what is Amir's last name in the Jake and Amir web series? So pretty easy questions. I think too easy. And then I said, I need 10 obscure questions. They need to be very niche.

Something only a super fan of Amir Blumenfeld would know. And it gave me some really interesting questions, which I think it made up. But we'll see if We'll see if these, if any of this is accurate. Do you want to play? It's either wrong or it knows things about myself that I don't even know. Exactly. Okay. So I'll, I'm just going to pull, I have about 20 questions, but I'll pull, I'll pull randomly. So this is chat GPT saying here are 10 obscure amir blumenfeld trivia questions with multiple choice answers okay um okay what is the name of amir blumenfeld's podcast if i were you the head gum podcast twinnovation or the duty report the duty report the fuck is that i guess i guess chat gbt combed the archive of the

internet and kind of deduced doodoozed what you would be good at nice yeah doodiest what's the correct answer if i were you i would say the closest, even though that doesn't exist anymore. Yes, actually. And ChatGPT would not accept that answer. The answer is B, the HeadGum podcast. Okay. So it's a trivia question that an AI wrote, so it might be incorrect. I have to get in the mind of the bots, the algorithm. Okay.

Before joining CollegeHumor, where did Amir Blumenfeld work? A, Starbucks. B, The New York Times. No. C, Barnes & Noble. Or D, MTV. I guess the one that's most potentially incorrect, but in a slightly right way, is MTV,

even though that came after CollegeHumor humor but we did have a show on mtv so at one point i was employed by them final answer d mtv no barnes and noble c correct barnes and noble is correct yes so i did steal a magazine from Barnes & Noble one summer when I was 15. And that counts. They made me work there for two weeks to pay it off. And that's what it's coming up with. All right. So you're one of two. I haven't told a soul about that.

But I guess they fucking combed the employment record or something and found my name. They downloaded CCTV footage. Yes. In the web series, Jake and Amirir what is amir's catchphrase uh a dope b not really dude c c nayski or d i'm so coy see this one it could have known if it like was able to scrape every Jake in a year script which does exist and come up with the most popular three to four sentence segment yeah it should be able to do that it wouldn't like it doesn't seem like it would be that hard to to make like

a catchphrase quiz for you for sure uh chat gpt cannot at one point hashtag dope was a catchphrase of yours but i think that was from the podcast right yeah hashtag dope um what does it think what was the coy one i'm so coy yeah the answers are dope not really really do, nayski, and I'm so coy. Okay, I'll go with the most wrong one because that's what worked for Barnes & Noble. I'll go nayski, which I've never said in my life. Yeah. That's correct. N-A-Y-S-K-I.

Correct answer. Nayski. Again, it couldn't have been a catchphrase. A two-syllable word i've never uttered in my life you're actually killing it are you you're two for three uh yeah maybe even three for three no you got one wrong three three for four didn't you okay um yeah you got you got the head gum podcast one wrong but you got barnes and noble and uh nays yeah okay amir blumenfeld made a cameo appearance in which of the following films can you okay i guess you have been in a film all right so the answers are a the disaster

artist b super bad c anchorman or d 21 jump Wow. This one is really easy to search. So I'm disappointed in ChatGPT. Yeah, it should have been able to say Harold and Kumar 3. Yeah. Like, yeah, just go to your IMDb. Yeah. The Disaster Artist featured some comedians. So maybe they just assumed I was in that.

I'll put The Disaster Artist. Correct. This is incredible that you're doing so well. I really am through the looking glass. I'm getting into the mind of the algorithm. Which celebrity did Amir Blumenfeld once have a famous feud with on Twitter? A, Justin Bieber, B, Kanye West, C, Jimmy Fallon, or D, Taylor Swift? Which famous comedian? Well, two of those aren't comedians, right? No, which celebrity did Amir

once have a famous feud with? I probably have tweeted at or retweeted jokingly most Justin Bieber. But again, I have to get in the mind of someone that's looking for has no idea what the fuck it's talking about a computer that's malfunctioning jimmy kimmel which which it was really incredible because that's not even an answer i assume you mean jimmy fallon yes jimmy fallon jimmy fallon incorrect the answer is B, Kanye West. Which I should have been in a fight with.

That's true. That one was slightly too logical. Shit. Okay. Here's back. Now we are back into completely illogical. What is the title of Amir Blumenfeld's 2017 comedy special? A, Amir Blumenfeld, The Podcast Years.

B, Nude, The Musical. a amir blumenfeld the podcast years b nude the musical c the cool guy or d amir blumenfeld not really a hero i wonder what in its programming dna it came up with yeah to have this as a question they all sound so bad and it was so sure what was the title of his 2017 comedy album like 17 had to be just the worst year for a comedy special too like why did he assume why did it assume uh i assume it's cool guy because i kind of like that as a title yeah the cool guy actually maybe is the one that's not that bad. Yeah. Amir Blumenfeld. And also, two of them say your name and then a colon. So your special is Amir Blumenfeld colon The Podcast Years.

That sounds terrible. That's just so bad. Yeah. Imagine a comedy special. Welcome to Amir Blumenfeld, the podcast. It's so boring sounding. I hate reading it. The cool guy is nice because I guess it's like just the most straightforward nothing.

Right. But the answer is B, nude the musical. Nude the musical. The name of a comedy special. No singing, no nudity at all. That's actually really funny. Yeah. What is the title of the short film? Now that we're talking about your solo projects.

What is the title of the short film that Amir Blumenfeld wrote and directed in, you guessed it, 2014? A, The Badger. B, Waking Up With Strangers. C, Why You Suck at Guitar. a the badger b waking up with strangers c why you suck at guitar and d mustache warrior mustache warrior the first three sort of allude to projects that either exist or were like potentially college humor videos like how to get better at guitar to get laid that video we were in so maybe it's based on that uh badger i think is like a short film or something about a stuffed animal maybe so i'll say the mustache warrior which is just completely random and unrelated to everything it's like nude the musical yeah the answer is

actually b waking up with strangers which i feel like is that is that not a thing like that's a i feel like that's the name of a short film already or something waking life is a movie and then also the game show where dan was like woken up in the middle like the middle of the night show yeah oh that's true um okay let, let's do a couple more nice and quick because these ones should be pretty easy, actually. Lightning round. Before joining College Humor, which city did Amir Blumenfeld live in

while attending college? The answers are Chicago, Boston, Philadelphia, or Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Let's see if it got it right. And Philadelphia. Why? Why? It was obviously Philadelphia. There's see if it got it right. Philadelphia. Why? Why?

It was obviously Philadelphia. There's no way. What was the first college humor video that featured both Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld together? Oh, that's actually a good question. That is. None of these I think are correct. Hardly working the roofers, Jake and Amir Tinder, hardly working the intern, or D, Jake and Amir coffee shop. See, coffee shop is an actual video. Right. The other three are not, right?

I don't know. The intern seems like it could. Wait, no. Coffee shop and Tinder are both videos. Okay. The interns might be an early one where we did like intern interviews right hardly working the intern

I'll search it I think I'll do that one it's not a video the ones that come up are freestyling interns rap battle that's what makes me even more sure that that's the answer the answer is actually hardly working the roofers

oh another video that doesn't exist yes oh here's a good one in the web series jake and amir what is the name of amir's fictional girlfriend who is never seen or heard but is frequently mentioned a sheila b tanisha c cheryl or d molly again the most wrong answer is tanisha a name i've never said on the web series maybe or since the web series so i'll say tanisha was that is correct tanisha is correct that is correct ding ding ding it is tanisha it's so secretive it's never even come up in 20 years um okay we have we have one more question. Oh, wait.

This one's for all the Marvels. This is my favorite one, I think. Amir Blumenfeld co-wrote and starred in a 2019 comedy film with Jake Hurwitz. Did you know that we did that? In 2019, we were in a film. Me, you, and Tanisha.

What is the title of this film that you and i starred in in 2019 a the long dumb road b lonely and horny c the other guys or d jake and amir the movie the other guys is a real movie lonely and horny is what we did do. Jake and Amir the movie could be misconstrued as a movie if you just piece together a bunch. And the last one, which one was it? The one that has nothing to do with anything? The Long Dumb Road. Yeah. I'll go The Long Dumb Road, which is not a movie.

That is correct. The Long Dumb Road. Okay. So maybe AI won't take over the world. If this is as good as it gets, they keep warning us. But like, I can't imagine this machine leading to, I don't know, a robot versus human Holocaust. I mean, I kind of can because it seems like you could do something as simple as like, hey, keep the nuclear codes safe. And then chat GPT would be like okay they're now they're in the

open or i'm launching the nukes or something like yeah it will it won't be smarter than us but we'll be dumb enough to entrust it with something that it can't handle i think yeah it'll print a killing machine and then it'll be like to disable me what's the name of a movie that Jake and Amir were in? We're like, Jake and Amir? No. Who are they? The Long Winding Road. Kill. Destroy.

I don't think Amir Blumenfeld did anything after Nude the Musical. I think his career peaked at Nude the Musical. Nude the Musical. I love Jake. I loved Amir Blumenfeld, colon, the podcast years. I haven't heard from him since. All right. in the podcast years. I haven't heard from him since. All right.

I think that was illuminating. Yeah, I thought it was really, really cool. And I did pretty good all things considered. I tried to actually do. I feel like you did better at this than like trivia that there was right answers to when we did like Jake and Amir trivia. Yes. Yeah, for sure.

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It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny

that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like

you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

Thank you, Squarespace. All right, we're back. Yo back yo yo here's a quick seg i thought to call either top and bottom that's which you know yeah not necessarily with the spirit of the segment which you guys will see or i am the one percent oh that's good i am the one percent i like so these are things that i've realized that i'm either in the top 1% of or bottom 1% of. And they're not like, you know, normal talents like basketball or speaking language or making funny videos. I'm talking about mundane life events. For example, I'm noticing recently that I am in the bottom 1% of cracking eggs.

I, for whatever reason, can't fucking crack an egg correctly. How often do you... How do you crack an egg? I'll tell you my tried and true method, which I think puts me squarely in like... I would say I'm above average at it. I think I'm above average. Talk to me about your experience with cracking eggs. How often are you making eggs?

First of all, I'm sort of in an omelet era and I'm specifically in my locks era. Nice. I had never liked locks growing up. And ever since the sushification slash salmonification of my palate,'ve started incorporating locks uh to my and now you're insatiable i'm like this is great i can have this every morning seems pretty healthy uh and super easy and fast to make you get the locks pre-made they're already done yeah you get them in that nice really thin package nothing like a really thin sleeve of locks right where you have to reach your hand in and all of it gets wet just to get the lox.

I gotta fucking slide it out, but it's slimy with fish oil. But I finally do. And then the egg sticks, like, two minutes. It's really easy to make an omelet, except for the fact that I can't fucking crack an egg correctly. Are you actually flipping, like, you're making an omelet omelet? Or are you, like, scramble eggs with, and you're calling that an omelet? I'm cracking two eggs into the omelet or are you like scramble eggs with uh and you're calling that an omelet uh i'm cracking into the omelet and then i like i'm like moving the eggs around so it's almost like white and

yellow ribbon sort of half fried half scrambled i see okay so but you're not like whisking it pouring it flipping it in the front in a french fashion no no i'm not whisking it well i'm trying to crack like on the side of the pan and then if i do that too hard it cracks on the outside of the pan and egg gets onto the fire bad that's what you don't want to do light and i'll crack it and it like won't even crack all the way through and then i'm right then you have forcing it open with my hands it's like over the thing and like shell is falling in what you're making is actually a rookie mistake i make my daughter eggs most days of the week okay and i'll tell you exactly how to crack an egg are you ready

you blend it shell and all and jemma loves the shell or at least she doesn't mind and mama doesn't have to know because she left me. So I grew up thinking you needed to crack an egg on the side of a bowl, on the side of a pan, something with a sharp edge. Yeah, you do not. Crack it directly on your counter. I don't understand that. I've heard of people say that. Like, then it just flattens it onto the counter. How does't understand that. I've heard of people say that like,

then it just flattens it onto the counter. How does it create a ridge all the way through the egg? It doesn't, but you don't need a ridge all the way through the egg that you break open. It punctures the egg at the bottom, and then you put your thumb in that puncture and pull it apart. See, when I do that,

then it creates the shells that fall in. I need like a, I can maybe do it on the corner uh the shells that fall in i need like a i can maybe do it on the corner of the counter no no no no no you do it on the flat does any egg get on the counter no because honestly possible when you if it cracks open on the counter and none of the wet egg gets out get on the some eggs gonna get anywhere if you crack it there might be a little bit of seepage but i'm telling you you are way more likely to crack the egg in half accidentally and have it go all the way down the pan when you're cracking it on the side of something than if you just crack it directly on the counter. Because even if you crack it pretty hard, the structural integrity of that yolk isn't

fully compromised. It's only the shell. Well, what I've been doing is using a knife and sort of slicing it over the pan. That way it does get a little shelly, but it is a specific slice. And then I do it open it with my fingers over the pan. Go get an egg. Go get an egg. No, I don't want to get it on my fucking computer. You get an egg. Get an egg.

Your computer is obviously raised on a little like platform right now it's on this it's on a standing desk i would have to get egg on the desk where would i put the fucking yolk clear the desk no okay there's wires there's an ipad there's these things there's no room for it I need to do it separately in my kitchen later. Okay, fine. Will you record a video of you trying my method and see how well it works? Okay, so I'll try your method later. Also, what are your thoughts on non-stick pans? You believe that shit or it's like eventually everything starts to stick um well i'm worried about actually i'm not but uh jill was worried about uh i don't microplastics or like you know non-stick pans are not actually that that good for you you you're kind of eating the teflon or something

right um so we we got rid of all of our non-sticks and now we're on uh ceramic pans interesting and then does it does it stick does it is there just sticking and it's like that's part of the fucking game at this point yeah it's i mean it sticks a little bit but it's not really a big deal i put some butter in there the like i still i'm able to extricate most of the egg i think it's they're slightly harder to clean but yeah not much harder to clean it's fine i feel like i buy a new non-stick pan every six months and it's like actually to make it really non-stick you can't do this and you have to butter it you can't make it too hot never actually clean it by like making it this like level of water i'm like

these are too many rules you're trying to get out of the non-stick thing it's either non-stick or it's not i think i'm i'm in the bottom one percent of taking care of pans. I really don't give a shit about a pan. So you'll leave a thin film of egg on the inside overnight? No, I mean, I wash them pretty well, but I'm not paying attention to heat. I'm not going to read anything on how to make it nonstick. I'm like, butter or oil makes it pretty nonstick, and that's good enough for me. Are you turning the heat all the way up? No, I keep it pretty low.

I learned at a young age that you don't want to see flame going out from the side of the pan. That means it's too hot. All of the flame should be heating the bottom of the pan. So I tend to keep it pretty low. That's good.

I think that's the way to make it nice and soft too without burning. You don't want to burn the outside while leaving the inside kind of runny. Yeah, I've gotten very good at making two scrambled eggs for Gemma. And will you eat one? No, I don't know why I haven't. I sometimes, well, I guess I, yeah, I used to have a bite, but now she kind of eats two eggs. So I don't, I just let her have the whole thing. Sometimes she

gives me a bite. Sometimes one falls on the floor and I'll eat that. Not all the way on the floor, but on like the little catchy thing underneath her high chair. So I'll take a bite for sure. All right. Do you have anything in the bottom one? Bottom one.

And or top one. I mean, I think I have a very bad short-term memory. I have like, if you ask me anything, like what I did last weekend, and I just can't ever remember. Like you can't remember it at first, or you actually can't figure it out even if you spent an hour thinking? I guess if I spent an hour thinking, I could. But if somebody says like, oh, what did you do last week? I would be like, I honestly, I can't, I don't't know i need to look at my phone and see if i have a photo of something and then i'll look at my phone my phone i'll be like oh i went camping upstate

it was like that's that should be the top like that should not be hard to recall that was a big one yeah i have a very bad memory but then sometimes we we look at old Jake and Amir videos from like 2009. You're like, oh, I remember that shirt. I was given it to it two weeks before that shoot. And I gave it away to my brother the day after and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think I have a good, maybe I have a good long-term memory, but a bad short-term. So like I'll remember that trip that I took last week in 10 years. Yeah, and the shirt you wore that day,

but not necessarily what happened yesterday. I am very visual. So I do need, I need like some, I need hints. Like that's why when I see a still from a Jake and Amir, I can call up more stuff. But if I'm just standing out in the open world and somebody is like,

I don't know, describe a shirt you used to own. Well, maybe I could do that. But if it's not related to clothes, I think I'd be lost. You're just obsessed with shirts. That's probably true. You fucking love shirts. What is that shirt? JT Tennis? That's new. It is new. I bought it at L train vintage six and a half weeks ago. I spent $27, but I paid all cash so they didn't have to charge me more.

The processing fee. Yeah. I don't know. Can you think of anything that I'm in the bottom 1% of? Like, what do you think I suck at? I don't know. I guess I don't really necessarily watch you every day. Um, yeah, it used to be cooking in general, but you said you got better at that during the pandemic. Yeah, I am definitely, I don't think I'm good at cooking, but I can like cook things without really like looking over a recipe now. Like I kind of know the internal temperatures of what chicken is supposed to be. So I can cook it. Don't get me started on meat thermometers. I don't trust those either uh really what about going to the movies i feel like you rarely go to the movies oh yeah

no i i haven't been i mean i haven't gone to a movie theater in two years i don't think yeah in the last five years how many movies have you seen in theaters less than 10 i would say for sure yeah for sure it's gotta be that's to be. That's got to be bottom 1%. Yeah. I'm also really bad. Only because I've recently started doing this. I never go to museums. I live in New York City.

And I hadn't gone to a museum once since I moved back in 2019. Not a single museum. Not a single museum. Yeah. I still never been to a musical since I moved back. Maybe culture. Experiencing culture. Appreciating culture. The cultural mecca of the world. In the last five years,

haven't seen a musical, a movie, or a museum. All of the stuff that I like is actually really, really hard to do in New York City, like riding my bike and rock climbing and surfing. Those are things I have to kind of leave the city to do. Interesting. And you don't really go to bars anymore either. Yeah. Yeah. So really, you should be living in, I don't know, Connecticut. I should just say I should stay here at my parents house there's no reason to leave yeah because there's not a lot of space in new york everything is more expensive but you pay that premium to do the cultural things that you're not doing what

about constantly um i guess i've i've gone to concerts maybe a little bit more because i usually like people will ask me to go yeah um but yeah i mean left to my own devices i think i get more music um movies museum musicals these are the four m's that i'm not maximizing at all i think i like stuff i like doing stuff during the day like i like i like being out in the morning and then being home at night yeah museums at 9 a.m yeah imagine just strolling out of bed and seeing cats at 8 45 you get out and it's still 11 time to make fucking eggs. Yeah. It's not a matinee. It's a satinee because you're doing it on Saturday in the a.m. On satin sheets. How good are you at putting a duvet cover?

That can be pretty polarizing. Oh, yeah. Like putting it on. You mean putting it on? Yeah, putting the duvet cover over or folding a fitted sheet. Bed laundry in general. I'm decent at all of that. I think I'm top 1%, top 1% of organization and keeping things orderly.

I see. So you have like, you know exactly where your fitted sheet should go or your towels should go. I don't know exactly how to fold a fitted sheet but i know generally the vibe of what you want it to look like at the end and i can get there but generally the vibe of what you want because you have the scrunchie pieces and you don't want all of you you don't want any of those exposed you want it to basically be as square as the flat sheet yeah which you can do if you just get it into like so you know what folding is you just don't know how to do it for that i can do it no i can do it i can i'm creative and

i can make it my own i know what it's supposed to look like at the end a ball like this fucking disorganized basketball a sheet i'm telling you sorts i can get it kind of still wet excuse me i'm telling you i can make it look like the flat sheet i can do that but i don't follow i don't prescribe to any of these marie kondo here use a cardboard uh cutout thing to make it perfect i don't think you have to make it perfect because it's only ever going to get unfurled and and fitted over a mattress yeah Yeah. Let's be serious. One of my top 1% is detangling wires. I'm pretty good at untangling a wire mess.

A cord too. Headphone cords or old remote controls on video games. Do you mean like you can do that faster than most people? Or do you think most people don't even... I can do it at all. At all. Than most people or do you think most people don't even at all than most people like you're saying some people just leave their wires messy this is fucking it's a knot it's a giant morass it's a mess i can't figure this out give me a week and i could probably get there if necessary as long as you also don't need an egg. Okay. How's that for cracking an egg?

All right. Some tops and bottoms, some 1%. Well, I didn't say my 1% yet. Oh, I guess I said it was keeping things orderly, but that was off the cuff. I think I'm actually the number one park parker in the world i don't think anybody is better at parking than i am call me parker you could call me i call myself the parking king i actually do call my i've said it on and what does that entail like finding a spot or

getting it entails respect first and foremost so don't ask me questions that you don't need to know the answer to it's a fucking conversation don't talk to the parking king do not talk to the parking all right fine let's not talk about it well the parking king wants to talk about it the parking king will talk about it but don let's hear it. But don't ask the parking king questions, okay? Okay. So parallel parking. Being the parking, don't interrupt the king. Neither.

Or it's off with your head. So that's the first thing. I am allowed to order decapitations. I'm the parking jester. It's about, number one, it's about parallel parking that's just baseline requirement you have to know exactly how big your car is i cannot tell you how many times people have told me that i wouldn't fit somewhere and i fucking absolutely fit i have a pretty big car a pretty long car it is a forerunner and I can make it fit in any spot. Okay? If your RAV4 can fit there, then my 4Runner can.

Which is legal. And I'll nudge you, but the king is allowed to scrape your Hyundai, okay? Hondas are worse. I am the king, and I can actually bump you forward if need be. And I'm also allowed to leave my car angled into the street when I can't fit. The trick is to have your tires on the curb a little bit. It is also, you do need a little bit of that king behavior in you because it's about finding spots that other people aren't really aware of that are spots you know like in and say you're on on um a street where there's a dip in the sidewalk so it looks like it's a driveway but actually it's fenced off that's no longer a

driveway or this driveway was converted to a storefront it looks like it's not no parking but you are allowed to park there so it's kind of seeing through the system, knowing that the rules don't apply to the king and parking there. Loading zones on a Sunday. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I saw you get kind of mad at me because I was talking over you or something. I was going to call you out. But I saw that you were about to back off. I saw that you were about to back off.

And it takes, you know, you're learning to respect the parking king. And I appreciate that. And does it require a little bit of luck excuse me i was going to say it requires luck yes the parking king is born into this this golden situation so it uh it you know it doesn't require luck as much as it requires um i don't know birthrightright maybe? Destiny? Yeah. Is being born into the monarchy luck? I guess it kind of is. Yes.

Yes, I am blessed. I am lucky. But I think it also requires, you know, savviness, confidence, as I mentioned. Do you ever leave a meter like a little short a little shy and be like i'm probably not going to get a ticket it'll be fine yeah oh yeah like street sweeping street sweeping is is 8 30 to 10 it's like okay i can actually come back at 9 42 i see this the sweeper has gone through i see another car with a ticket. I'm like, I can actually leave my car here. They're not going to ticket it. So yeah, there's a lot of, you know, there's gamesmanship.

There's gamesmanship involved. It is, it's kind of like, it's like being prime minister in a way too, because I have negotiated my spot as the king. I have worked my way up there. Have you ever gotten a parking ticket? Have you ever gotten a parking ticket have somebody come for the king has someone had the goal to give the king a parking ticket you how do you think i'm expected to pay this i'm destitute you know that um yeah of course i've gotten i've gotten some parking tickets 30 40 at a time no i got i for the amount of parking that i do i have gotten um surprisingly little

little parking tickets very very few they are few and far between they're in la new york where In New York? Where mostly? More in New York, for sure. More in New York. And that'll be, that'll mostly be street sweeping. That'll really mostly be street sweeping. And that's, and those are only days when I'm like, you know what? I think I might end up getting a ticket. I needed, I didn't move the car in time, but then I go and sometimes it's not there. You know, most times it's not.

That's awesome. Yeah, we can look at my nyc.gov slash city pay history and see how much I've spent on parking tickets in the last five years. Really? I didn't know they had that in the system like that. Of course, of course they do. And could you do a one-handed egg crack

or is that sort of an advanced technique? Ooh, no, I don't think. I mean, my technique. You didn't say you were the top one. That's top one behavior. Yeah, yeah. I'm above, I think I'm above 50, just so I can get it clean. But yeah, nothing like that.

The two-handed, drop it like that. Yeah, that'd be cool. That would be cool. Throwing the shell into a fucking trash can without looking. In theory, I should be able to crack an egg on my other hand, like the palm of my hand, you know? Or what about on the – there was a TikTok trend where parents would crack an egg on their kid's head, their forehead.

Yeah. There was also one where they were – It would always startle the child, but it was ultimately funny. There was one where they were throwing cheese on a crying baby's face that's good stuff i found it so unsettling i really hated watching it i i'm sure if you go through the comments there's a whole bunch yeah i i also hate that i think there's no reason they're they're naturally very curious and distractible like it wasn't the egg that like stopped them from crying or the cheese it was a like a distraction

you could also have like i don't know said look out the window there's a bird yeah that's not funny yeah it's it's not funny it's but it's not it's not mean to a child either. But a crying child with a Kraft single just sort of thrown at their face. That's the good stuff. I really hated it. Because none of them looked... It would have been different if they saw the Kraft single got on their face and then they started laughing. And I'm like, oh, that's really cute. But all of them just looked a little confused and scared.

Like, yeah, of course. I'm upset. I'm upset. Oh oh something cold hit my face now i'm frightened that seems so bad i feel like there's gotta be child therapists in the comments being like this is bad try it with a water balloon filled with cottage cheese see what happens maybe it'll start a new fucking trend. An ice bucket challenge, but with milk for a baby to get her to stop crying. For charity. I can get my kid to stop crying for charity.

Okay. Good segment. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right, we're back. Yo, yo. Not much time, but I thought we should play one of our classics, one of our favorites. Guessing how old this person is game, a.k.a. Who's 51 game aka who's 51 today who's 51 who is 51 what are the stakes um the stakes are stakes really that's right loser owes the winner a 24 bone-in ribeye from The Butcher's Daughter, which is a famous restaurant. Okay.

Okay. I think I guessed this last time and ended up being correct. Debra Messing. Okay. But I think she was older. Instantly correct. And it's over. No, I think I guessed her for like 56 or something.

Siri, how old is Debra Messing? Debra Messing is 55 years old. 55. Okay. So that establishes our baseline. Yeah. 51, let's say Rivers Cuomo, the head of Weezer. Nice.

Really nice. How old is Rivers Cuomo? Rivers Cuomo is 54 years old. 54. 54. How old is Jay-Z? Hey, Siri, how old is Jay-Z? Jay-Z is

54 years old wow we'd kill the 54 game yeah we're right in that zone we got to get out of music um um not as easy as it looks to get out of music

all of a sudden you're thinking of Carrie Underwood. You're thinking of Billy Joe Armstrong. I got one. I got one. How old is Chipper Jones? Who the fuck is Chipper Jones? Chipper Jones is 52 years old. He was on the Braves All-Star.

He was on the Braves teams that kept winning championships. Nice. Really nice. Can I tie? Can I tie? That's the question. You're not even going for 51. You just want to be one year off.

Oh, I thought you were 50. I thought you just won. You didn't win? No, that was 52. Oh, wow. All right, great. so the game's still alive we should say after after we get someone that's 52 the other person has a chance to tie and then you're 51 now you got me saying it um okay oh wait 51 what are we aiming for 51 always 51 okay nice jesus christ dude why are you yelling at me and time no not

time we were establishing the rules we were establishing the rules 51 who the fuck is 51 what if it's nobody is that what does it mean to be 51 it's like oh seth green i think he's like 34 i don't get it but i how old is seth green seth green is 50 years old wow closer than i thought good job yes um 51 oh classic How old is Beto O'Rourke? Beto O'Rourke is 51 years old Got it Okay I don't know the age But now I get to tie Now I get to tie

So who is somebody that looks like Beto O'Rourke? And why? Who's somebody that has that same vibe? Who's a Beto O'Rourke? Oh, okay. God, what's his fucking name? It's that guy. It's that guy.

It's the dude. Matthew fucking Lilith, dude. Lillard. Lillard. Lillard. Yes. That's what I said. How old is Matthew Lillard? Matthew Lillard is 54 years old.

54. Damn. We really got a lot of 54s. How old is Lillith then? How old is Lith? How old is Lilith then? How old is Lilith Fair? You know, the feminist alt-rock concert from the 90s? How old? Yeah.

All right. All right. I get steaks. I get steaks. I'll mail you a butcher's box. Steaks. Steaks. Good job. You too, man. Me specifically, yeah. All right. eggs eggs good job you too man me specifically yeah uh all right for more

of us you can watch us on patreon patreon.com slash jay oh we're watching jake and amir videos there we're reading we're writing jake and amir videos there that's right uh and uh thank you to those of you who have been

listening, but you can also be watching this on our YouTube channel. So thank you guys for watching as well. Yes, thank you. And we'll be back next Monday. Happy July, America. See you then. That was a Hiddem Original.