Segments - 370: Meth Boyfriend

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

In this episode we discuss Denmark, Cupid, and of course... hooks. Tickets still available to our show in Washington DC on March 9! Come on out and party with us.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only Here's a stranger riding in and pleading I need some help from her with Santa Mish Here's a stranger writing in and pleading I need some help from her with Santa Mish The figure's in Jake's room, he's always painting

Each of them just meant for T&D And it's a long way back from 33. The chipmunk gives advice to me and I'm, I'm not getting blown. I need help. I'm nearly 16 years and balding fast. Wow, that was just half the song. Oh man, I love that. There was too much of it that I wanted to split it up. First half being the opening theme song. The second half will be the closing theme song. Because there was too much and it was too good.

Do you know what that was a parody of? It was Blink-182, but I don't know the name of the song. It feels like a new Blink. Oh, is it? Yeah. It's all vaguely familiar to me, so I can't really tell the difference between new and old. But I guess it's new because you don't exactly know what it is. No, yeah. It makes me happy to hear, but it doesn't stir the same emotions as if I were to hear, say, a carousel parody or a pathetic

parody, you know, something off of Dude Ranch or Cheshire Cat. Got it. Yeah. So this is called Bored to Death. Do you know what that is? No. It is Blink, though, right? Yeah, that's what he says. It's a Blink-182 parody of Bored to Death. Been watching your content since the college humor days. My buddy Noah, whose song you used recently, and I both really love the podcast. Please never change the unsolicited advice theme. We're both big Blink fans. We rock, climb, and Noah even plays D&D, so we're basically Jake. Damn. I spoofed Bored to Death theme song, so I hope you guys can use it. Love, David Kim. Interesting.

Yeah. Bored to Death theme song. Is it a Blink song? I guess so. We got to find out. We should, after this episode, we'll listen to Bored to Death by Blink-182 so we can hear the original. Okay, great.

It sounds close enough that I believe him. Yeah, yeah. But it also almost sounds like a, I don't know, like a train song or something. But maybe that's just because that's like his voice, you know, like that's what he did. Yeah, it seems like Blink-182 songs

are either silly or serious, right? You could say that about Eminem as well. Yeah, he has like, my bum is on your lips, and also like, fuck you, Kim, I'm gonna kill you, bitch. Yeah, and Blink-182 has that kind of like, my mom is on your lips. And also like, fuck you, Kim. I'm gonna kill you, bitch. Yeah.

And Blink-182 has that kind of like, what's my age again? Like the state looks down on sodomy. I pranked your prank phone called your dad. And then also, please tell mom this is not her fault about suicide. I'm sorry when I was seducing. was editing what song is what's that one about don't waste your time yeah i think that's from their self-title too where are you and i'm so lonely are you lonely or are you guys running around naked? Because it seems like you're very bipolar. In that song, he calls something the six-string darkness,

which is like really like it sounds poetic and it truly means nothing. But it didn't need to mean anything. This was the 90s. Well, this was in 2015, I think. Really? That was their, I don't know, their self-titled. Maybe it was 2012. It was a different time.

It was pre-Trump. That's all we need to know but definitely after 9-11 shit had already gotten real there's another era now doesn't it it's like the pre-9-11 but then like after that there was like there was another time where things kind of got chill yeah and now they're not chill anymore it was post-9-11 pre-trump chill oh. The 90s of the 2000s, we'll call them. I like that, actually. That's a podcast. No, it's not. Well, I guess it's our podcast.

That's right. That's our new logline. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. I'm Amir. And me. I'm Jake. You're going to Paris? I am actually.

I am going to Gay Paris. And I'm going to be there. I leave tomorrow night. Holy shit. What's the plan there? Um, so my wife, her, her friends were going to Paris and. Oh, is this the one where she wanted to go? And you're like, I'll come with.

And she's like, it's sort of a friend's trip. And then you're like, I can do like a friend's trip. Right. It was sort of like, I was like, oh, that Jill was like, I want to go. And I was like, oh, that sounds really fun. But I don't know if I can permit you to go's trip. Right. It was sort of like, I was like, oh, Jill was like, I want to go. And I was like, oh, that sounds really fun, but I don't know if I can permit you to go by yourself. Right. And that sort of caused a little bit of a... Because she might French kiss.

Right. I would hate for her to go all the way to Europe to cheat on me. Right. So I'm kind of going as an envoy. Like a chaperone. A chaperone. An unwelcome guest guest to be sure because the allowing her to go thing didn't sit well

with Jill or her friends for that matter. Yeah, just saying allow, it has a bad ring to it. Yeah, it was a nasty way to put things for sure. But now I am going to be there. And I don't think they want to have a sour time. They don't want me in a rotten mood. So I don't think anyone's going to really i think everyone's trying to like smooth things over like oh no it is fun it's cool yeah it's like weird circumstances why is here but

we're going to be chill um and then i'll but i'll be like i'll be sort of a nasty boy on the day when i arrive you'll be a dark cloud a little bit. Yeah, I will be a dark cloud. I don't like museums. I don't like sightseeing. And I don't know if I want to permit Jill to enjoy those things because for fear that she'll find a French lover, which everybody can understand. Yeah, because like you have a nasty attitude

and she might meet someone who's like really into the stuff that she's into. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what, I'm a shitty guy is what it comes down to. And if she leaves my site for long enough she might realize that or somebody else yeah somebody could swoop in yeah like what if she takes a museum tour right and then like the guide is like pretty intelligent like french has long hair is kind of jacked and he's like talking about like art history in a way that's really cool and interesting to her. And you're not there to like make snide comments and stuff like that.

I mean, even if this guy is butt ugly, if she is around someone who's not emotionally abusive and vindictive and small and petty and shallow as I am, I fear that she will see that the grass is indeed greener. Yeah. On the other side. Yes. So I need to be there and I need to be in a foul mood and I need to be a bed. Especially I need to be a bed because then she may want to not, you know, stray too far from the hotel as long as she's going to a patisserie that I can see from the balcony. Did you say leave the bed i'm not gonna leave the bed

of the hotel right got it so you'll just sort of see within the purview of the balcony but once she like strays from that radius it's sort of like i'll shriek i will shriek and i'll scream and i'll cry and i'll threaten like a captive person yeah yeah and she'll threaten to hurl myself from the balcony and she'll have to return. And we're also going to go to Copenhagen. Oh, that sounds fun. That's a new little development. The other day, because we're coming back next week

and then I was just like, well, what if we extended the trip for three days? We could just go to a different place. And then I looked on Google Maps and I just pinpointed a place that looked cool and then i looked up the flights and they were cheap as hell to denmark yeah so now i'm gonna go to denmark is it because it's february and it's like dark for 18 hours and negative four degrees out what it's like not really high track is it cheap because it's like not high travel season and nothing's really open or going on it's going to be like freezing rain the entire time you guys are going to be cooped up in a hotel

room i didn't really think about that bloomfield yeah usually there's like peak travel season well i looked at like conde nas traveler you know like yeah and i was you saw pictures of beaches and stuff i looked at copenhagen yeah there's like people kayaking and they're outside drinking beer. That's all June, July, August. Yeah, a lot of beer garden, outdoor drinking. Yeah, it looked really nice. Over the summer. The sun was shining quite brightly in the photos.

What dates are you going to be there? Well, we'll be there on February 19th until the 22nd. I see right now. That's called the cold season. It's the coldest day of the year. Really? The air actually freezes. Well, how am I going to go to an outdoor mall if the temperatures are frigid?

You know how I'm sensitive to moisture. Negative 41 Celsius. Really? Centigrade? Yeah, well, at negative 40, it's pretty much the same thing between centigrade and Fahrenheit. Ah, scheisse. That's German. No fucking way.

I downloaded the wrong Duolingo. I learned to sprecken sie Deutsch. I took a freaking class. Damn it. In the wrong lane. I actually almost went to, I looked into going to Iceland again. Jesus Christ, haven't you got enough? I can't stay away.

I really want to see the Northern Lights, but it was way too expensive. Oh, really? Even in February? Yeah, oddly enough. Because of Northern Lights stuff. Maybe so. Or maybe even pilots don't want to go to iceland in the winter just like everybody's not going i'd rather quit um what about you you gotta no let's try it let's chat

man we don't have to get to the advice shit right away i i have nothing i'm not going anywhere in february until um actually i'm going to new york in march for our show so that'll be the next trip there you go and that's it yeah by the way i looked up i asked uh twitter based on our last episode how many of you wear long underwear in the cold i was floored remarkably low yeah half the people never wear long underwear regardless of how cold it is that's bananas but then i also i know that you said you never did and for most of my time in new york i did not either but really once you start like i'm i'm addicted it was 55 the other day and i threw on some long undies i didn't give a fuck yeah you were two turtlenecks and a tutu that's that was the original tutu is a two turtleneck

only 15 of people said always in the cold that's not so Let's see if we can get that percentage up. Good man. Alright, let's answer some questions before it's too late. Why not? Here's one you found about a 23-year-old dude from Michigan who I'll call Magic Johnson

because he was once a 23-year-old dude from Michigan. Nice. I'm heading off to dental school in August but until then then, I'm living at home with my parents, working to make some cash for school. Anyway, there's not a lot of thought to do around my hometown because most of my friends are either in school or have moved on to a big boy job. I've since taken my talents to Tinder and Bumble to find a cute, fun gal, and I happened to stumble upon a girl I went to high school with. A stumble on Bumble. That's right. She was a year above me, but still a cute, athletic girl that I could see myself dating.

I said, freak it, and swiped right, and we matched. I'm kind of a timid guy, so I didn't message her and just kind of forgot about matching with her. But then a week went by, and I wake up one morning with a Tinder message from her at 2 a.m. saying, drunk confession time. I'm slightly obsessed with you. That's all. Have a nice night. Wow.

I messaged her back and she said that she and her mom were binge watching Grey's Anatomy drinking wine. After a little more chit-chat, she confessed that she was a little embarrassed but happy that she sent the message because she actually meant it. We've been Snapchatting each other for about a month, but I've yet to hang out. She lives at home with her parents as well before she goes off to grad school, so we're both in the same boat. My question is this. Should I pursue this gal for a relationship, even though I'm going to be leaving the state in six months? Or should I just hang

out with her and seize as much cheese as possible until I leave for school? Cheers and toadah. P.S. loving the EPL Patreon content. I'm an Everton fan. Everton. Yeah. You know, loosely related to the EPL pod, or directly actually, after we had Tom and Connor on on Sunday, they tried to convince me to like Wolverhampton. The Wolves. The Wolves. The Wolverhampton Wanderers. Yeah. And I must admit that I love the name.

Okay. So we'll keep an eye on them. Yeah, I'm gonna have to watch a match. Okay. I feel like six months is plenty long enough. Like you're not starting a relationship under false pretenses there, right? Like six months is like you're not starting a relationship under false pretenses there right like six months is like you can you could like easily date for a while and break up and like have it not even be

about you leaving town yeah that's this guy is so passive he's like i matched and i didn't message her then she said she's obsessed with me but i'm leaving town in half a year should i do anything about it yeah like what are you talking about why talking about? Why did you download Bumble then if you're not planning on starting a relationship? For six months. That's the point of Bumble. So you can date people for six months. That's a long ass time. For Bumble, that's the longest time. Yeah, that's a marriage on Bumble. It's a Bumble marriage. It's six months of time, especially because she went out of her way to message you. She wants to hang out with you and you still won't do anything about it. So why don't you at least take this one mini step towards actually making a cool decision for once. For once you've got him. And you don't have to consider it as seizing the cheese as much as possible. Just hang out with her once.

Right. See what happens. It's not seizing that much cheese. It's a small seize of the cheese. Yeah, this is like, she's done 95% of the work and she's asking you to do the last 5%. And you're like, I don't know, I'm still on the fence. Yeah, sample the cheese. Have a Costco size cube of cheese with a toothpick in it. Then you come back five minutes later

and hope that like the person doesn't remember you and sample another cheese. And they're like, you've been to my station before. You have a toothpick sticking through your cheek. You didn't remove it before you ate the cheese. Yeah. And he's like, I didn't come here for another piece of cheese. I came here to borrow your phone to call 911 because I'm bleeding out. Yeah. And when I come back here next time, it won't be for a cube of cheese. It's going to be for the whole damn thing, a.k.a. a lawsuit the size of that wheel of cheese behind you. Because my dad is actually a big cheese lawyer,

and he's going to have your ass on, not on like the platter that you're serving the cheese in, and I'm going to have your boar's head for this. Very nice. And then you slip in a pool of your own blood and fall into a stack of television. Yeah. And then she sort of takes the toothpick out of your cheek and she notices that you super glued one side to the inside of your mouth and the other one to the outside to make it look like you had stabbed yourself. And just another Costco you're not allowed in.

Just like that. It's that easy, folks. All right, here's another question. Okay. From another confused gentleman about Valentine's Day, which is coming up. Ooh. I should say it's, so we're recording this on Tuesday. Valentine's Day is on Thursday, and we're not going to release this until a little bit after.

Right. But this is at least going to help him for next Valentine's Day. That's right. We'll call this guy. He didn't say where he's from oh cupid let's call him cupid it's a valentine's day thing that's fun cupid's a naked little fat angel that shoots people yeah does cupid wear a diaper he sure does wear a diaper is it a diaper is it just underwear or is he just straight up nude sometimes yeah like have you ever seen cupid's little tiny dick have you ever seen cupid just on the off season when he's wearing a like a onesie yeah so it's like cupid but like he's not necessarily shooting people with arrows right now he's like just wearing like little jeans and a shirt that

says mom he's number one fan he's working on like a screenplay. Yeah. So he's at a coffee shop. All the Cupid ones. I just Googled Cupid and he's definitely in, he's in like a kind of a cloth diaper. Yeah. It's kind of like an old underwear. Right. Now I just searched nude Cupid. Yeah.

Or nupid. Yeah. There's a couple where he's just, where it's a naked. Now I'm looking at child porn. Okay. Actually, now let me just search random one-year-olds, because the Cupid thing kind of takes me out of it. There is some like weird little, oh God, this is like a baby angel with a really tiny dick, but he has kind of like, he's like a little toned. I hate what I found i found it's like pretty

jack now i'm gonna search cupid naked uh six pack i'm absolutely on a fucking registry for this jesus christ a wedding registry i have to go knock on my neighbor's doors i'm gonna turn myself in after this show uh all right here's the question for that cupid writes dear amir this is a question for Jake. And yeah, I'm a day one Starbucks killer joy boy. Okay.

Isn't it weird that the Starbucks joke is an episode one thing? Episode one. Kill yourself in a Starbucks. That was when we peaked. It's been a slow descent since then.

I want to listen to episode one and see how different it sounds from like episode 353. That'd be cool. Hopefully you can answer this before Valentine's. Here's a little background info for you. I've been in a relationship with a 12-cent doll piece

for the last five years. I have left my girlfriend wet, gleaming, and orgasmed a multitude of times. I left her orgasmed. That's right. She's been gleamed for him. She's shiny. Sl's been gleamed for him. She's shiny. Slick as a newborn.

Nubile too. We are rather open, Cupid writes, and I guess I have always wanted to experiment with some tools in the bedroom. I'd say pocket pussies, dildos, vibrators, and yes, even lube. I'm not even sure she knows about this, though. That being said, in honor of Valentine's Day, I decided it would be in her best interest and my best to invest in a vibrator. Now here's my question. How do I give it to her?

And what if she says no? Can you say no to a vibrator? You open a gift and just say no. I know this gift. just say no i know this gift i say no to it uh how do you give a sex toy for valentine's day do you just go for it from zero to vibrator i would suggest you definitely like get the vibrator like if you've got ideas to improve your sex life and you guys discuss these things and it's like sexy and cool i'm all for it here's my pitch though it is not the valentine's day gift that's a bonus that's just a thing that you'll have on valentine's like don't make her unwrap it like it's a gift right like? Like get her a card, get her chocolates, get her flowers, normal Valentine's Day stuff.

Take her out to dinner. Something like, just like on the boring, on a more normal spectrum. Take her to Copenhagen. You got to go to Copenhagen on Valentine's Day. It's a Danish holiday. It's Denmark-based paste. It's Copenhagen chic. And it's this year. And it's Saturday. And it's dark. based paste it's copenhagen chic and it's this year and it's saturday and

it's dark it's hygge it's hygge for sugar it's absolutely getting hyphy and hygie with the wifey that was the groupon that i used for our hostel for five Dutch francs a night. Get a high key with a Y key. A shared twin mattress. So you're saying get her the gift, but not necessarily a Valentine's Day gift. Correct. I think that you can get it,

but you don't have to make it a presentation. Yeah. Although like if you're going to get her a vibrator as a gift, like Valentine's day, it seems like the perfect time. Cause it's not literally like a birthday gift. It's not an anniversary thing. It's like a love based novelty. Yeah. But I, I just think that like a sex gift should just be kind of like a random surprise gift. It's a gift, not the gift. What if you give her a coupon for a back massage and a vibrator? Oh, that's good. So you give her a coupon for a back massage. She's like, cool. Then you start massaging her back with the vibrator. And she's like, this is weird.

And then you're like, well, that's because it's not for your back. And then you show it to her. And then she breaks up with you. You say, you actually already redeemed the coupon, so joke's on you. And I have a couple coupons myself. This one's for a do not break up with me. Use any time. No blackout dates, so I'll use that one now. This one's for a free dinner. So you gave yourself the coupons in this scenario yeah and this one just says 10

off bed bath and beyond it came in the mail unrelated to that it's kind of interesting just a big buck like a big book of coupons that are like for everyone's mutual benefit yeah so it's like i yeah so there's a free foot massage that's good um Okay. And a free dinner. Yeah. And then this one's for me, which is free head. A water pick. And I can watch the football game without you yammering on about why I'm not hanging out with your friends. We did brunch last week.

Here's a coupon. Christ. Are you aware that there's another football league that just started this year? Excuse me? There's like the A Alliance Football League, the AFL, which started like a private league that started the week after the Super Bowl. No. Or is anybody good in it? There's a few like ex-nfl players i know trent richardson who is a high draft pick who didn't do anything in the nfl is um playing in it very interesting where is it popular is it good like or uh i don't know i'm more of an epl guy now that's actually really cool let me tell you the eight teams in the afl just if any of them pique your interest okay but if honestly

if if it's not like the tottenham hotspurs i don't care but go ahead the memphis express i mean i love it the memphis express okay yeah yeah but let's let's let's keep on going the orlando apollos i'm out the arizona hot shots back in the salt lake stallions the the San Antonio Commanders, and lastly, the San Diego Fleet. I'm out. I didn't even know where you landed after all that. I am not interested in the fleet. All right. I got you a San Diego Fleet jersey. Thank you, dude.

All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back and answer some more questions after this. Cool. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. You know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new it's kind of like

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming! Gross.

Yes, I do. Wait, but first, are there tickets left for our DC show? Because we should say that that's the unsolicited advice first, right? Yeah, there might be. We're now less than a month away. March 9th in DC. We might have some tickets left we'll i'll put up a link on jakeandamir.com new york show of course sold out so dc is your best opportunity to

see us in the eastern seaboard before 2020 yeah yeah um okay so my unsolicited advice is hooks hooks okay let me guess what you're trying to say there. Okay, I'm a big hook guy now, but go ahead, try to guess. Hook. For hanging stuff on your walls? Correctamundo. Really?

Yes. So here's what I, when I moved, I wanted to there was like a closet where there was just one random hook on the side of the wall. I was like, what the hell? Like, what's the point of this thing? And then I put my climbing bag there and it fits so neatly and nicely. And I didn't have to like keep it on the floor or like up on top of a clock, like the back of the closet.

And then I like ordered another one because I wanted to put one in my other closet for another backpack. And you can't get like just one hook on Amazon. Uh-oh. You open the door to your house, there's hooks everywhere. So what I did, babe, was, yeah, everything has a hook, right? So like if you need a spoon or a fork, there's hooks for that, right? Oh, careful. Don't walk there.

That's where I put the hooks. Actually, look at my feet, babe, hovering above the ground, right? That's because I'm actually hooked to the wall right now. Yeah. And if you want to just go to sleep, you hook yourself into the bed just like that. Don't touch the ground. The ground is lava. So I got like 24 hooks or something. And so then I sort of started trying to like brainstorm all the different places I could put my hooks.

Of course. So I put one in my bedroom closet in like just like against the side. And I – because I wear the same pair of pants like most of the time. I wash my pants probably like once every week or two. So rather than like fold them and put them on top of a dresser and a chair on the corner of the room where it looks a little messy, I can just put them on a hook without having to put them back in a drawer. They're always there ready to go trusty pants every day.

And like, there's, there's a hook now behind the, behind the sink cabinet where I, where I put like a little, um, uh, where I put like a little washcloth. It just really, tomorrow's floss. Yeah. It's really, it's really convenient. And I think it's like kind of elegant too. It looks, it makes things look a little neater. So if you're trying to condo your life, yeah, you can, uh, you can hook it up you know i'm saying that's good you can start like a custom hook line called by hook them by crook and then you can figure out different ways and different styles of hooks what kind of hooks are you rolling with that's that really feels like i i just i don't want to like fully get into the hook game where

i'm promoting my own hooks i just i'd love for everybody to find their own hooks. I, they have like a stick on hooks too, right? That's exactly what I use. I, cause I'm not, I drilling into the wall is like normally what I'd like to do because it's like a little more substantial, but these are just like, I, I don't know, uh, exactly where I want all these hooks. They're all testers. So it's really, it's nice having the little stick-em hooks

and they work really well. They hold up like my backpack with the weight of a laptop and a charger and shoes in it. Wow. And it's just sticking to the wall with adhesive can hold up your like 10 pound backpack?

Yeah. It's, they're, they are not fucking around. It's great. It's a miracle. All right, hooks. Hooks.

What are your thoughts on ladders? Really nice. Why don't you come to the table for once in your goddamn life it's the month's listed advice okay during the break i said i really want to talk about hooks and you're like oh actually can i talk about a different one today um it's kind of it's kind of time pressing you're really gonna call me out call me out it's a family emergency but hook you said hooks is a decent one but it'll play well next week let me let me take the floor this time around i tell you what i'm gonna edit this podcast this week because i want to i want to cut that out where you defame me all right i'll send you the i'll send you the audio

all right sweet so when i upload it that whole last hook thing where you called me out for stealing yours is going to be edited out and i actually yeah i don't appreciate it i liked the idea of hooks that's why i told you i said i did say i had a family emergency and what you said is true what you said is true i'm just gonna tell you though it will never see the light of day fortunately and if and if all of this is still in the episode then just know that um jake didn't edit it i edited no well it won't be i edited the episode kind of like a litmus test for who edited the episode is whether or not you heard the last five minutes of the podcast. And they won't have. So let's just try to get into the episode cleanly.

Get into it. Or get into the second half. We're half an hour deep. So let's just take it from me saying, like, hooks, that's my pitch. And then you're like, all right, that's great. Thanks for the original idea. And then we'll move on. All right. Fine. Go. All right. So that's my pitch and then you're like all right that's great thanks for the original idea and then we'll move on all right fine okay go all right so that's it i like that why are you laughing shit also you don't know how to edit hooks that's my idea folks actually i created

a website by hook and by crook. I really want to get into hooks. All right, back to the questions and answers. We got an anonymous one from somebody calling himself the Turtle Avenger, so maybe we should keep that name. I love it. The Turtle Avenger writes, here's some background information. I'm a senior in high school with very little friends, and even less of those are female. But there's this one girl in particular that I talk to a lot, and we message each other online daily. Little more background, I am way too shy to ask her out and have never had a girlfriend before, but that seems besides the point. Okay, now to the real matter at hand. We started chatting one night online and got to talking about hentai for some reason, and she decided to use the website that generates a random hentai image. Anyways, we kept sharing images we got from there with each other and

discussed the physics of the woman and the actual art style, as well as the key features, like the way the nipples were drawn or the way the legs bend. Anyhow, my question for you guys is, is this normal? Is looking at hentai porn in general with a member of the opposite sex in a kind of non-sexual way normal? Or is that extremely out of the ordinary? Also, does this ruin my chances of asking her out? Much thanks for looking at my question.

I know it's a weird one, but hopefully you can find the time to get around to it. I appreciate you taking a look this far down. What do you think? I don't think it's normal. I think it's very romantic. I think it's very crushy. I think he has reason to believe that this lady is, at the very least, open to his romantic suggestions. A date asking out wouldn't seem out of the ordinary. This guy reminds me of a young me when I was 18, where I'm like, I don't know if this girl actually likes me, or she's just sending me porn in like a non-sexual way. I don't want to read too much into it, but she sent me a

picture of nipples and talked about how much she likes them. And I look at hentai porn with members of the opposite sex all the time, and I think it's completely normal. Yeah, but would it be with a completely non-romantically interested female friend in high school when hormones are running wild? I do it all the time with high schoolers. Yes, it is not sexual. Yes, Blumenfeld. Jesus. Wake up up you old square uh if you're still uh

editing the podcast i would remove that part too no yeah this is it's it's crazy like he's he's this is so clearly sexual and and sweet and nice and cute and you guys like each other and you're into the same stuff it's not like they just happen to like start sharing hentai because they don't share some of the same passions and perhaps turn on yeah even though he thinks this wasn't sexual a lot of guys like read too much into things in a positive way like this girl's totally into me because she looked at me right she likes my photo on Instagram. Should I smash? Right.

And then there's like the other end of the spectrum where like clear romantic chemistry related things are happening, synapses are firing. And then you're like, I don't know, maybe she's just doing this as like a friend, which is possible, but you can at the very least maybe ask her to hang out. Right. You can at least proceed as if this

was a unique situation that was just for you because she likes you. Yeah. But it's good because this guy is literally half my age, maybe even less. So he doesn't have the experience to draw on. He doesn't know for the next 18 years these things happen between friends and they mean nothing. So we can lend our wisdom, our insight, and let them know that it is a little bit more than nothing. That's true. That is true. But there's also the fun thing of like thinking

that it's nothing and then like kissing somebody and being super surprised. Yeah, but I wouldn't be surprised at this point. Right, but I'm gonna tell him that it means nothing. So that way, when something does happen, he will experience the pure joy of a kiss that you weren't expecting. Wow, you are a little Cupid. And yeah, your little one-year-old dick is out. All right. Editing that out too, you fucker.

I see a little cloth diaper hanging by a hook over your trash can. Okay. Quiet. Quiet down. Quiet down. We're going to edit that out. One last question from an Australian female. And I'll say night. An Aussie female. Who's the most famous Australian female? Margot Robbie. That's pretty good.

Was there an Australian female tennis player? There's a lot of Australian male tennis player. Australian female tennis player. Margaret Court, Johanna Conta. I like Margaret Court. She plays after, She's named after what she plays on. No, she's such an old school tennis player. They named the surface after her. Really? John Tennis and Margaret Court. That's cool. She won 24 Grand Slam titles in the 50s. Jesus. That's insane. Is that like the most ever? Grand Slams won singles 24. That's crazy. It might be the most ever. How many, like, yeah, how many does frigging Federer have?

I think he has roughly that many as well. 11 in the open era. I don't know what was going on before then. In the 50s, they're just handing out Grand Slams. Yeah, I actually have one. Yeah, that's awesome. You were born in the 50s. That's cool. All right. Margaret Court writes, I'm a 22-year-old from Australia, and I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Last night, he admitted to me that he smoked meth four months back when he was 18, before

we were together. Obviously, I was like, WTF? The worst drug he told me he had taken up until that point was ecstasy. And I know he used to be a full-time smoker. This is the first time he has opened up about this past part of his life. And honestly, I'm shocked. He has always been so against drugs and doesn't even touch a cigarette to this day. Do I have to be a little bit cheesed off?

Do I have the right to be a little cheesed off here? I told him everything about my past and assumed he had done the same. I'm disappointed that he ever did this, but I'm honestly more hurt that he waited almost three years to tell me. What are your guys' thoughts? I don't know what to do here. Should I just act like everything is all G? I can't help but look at him differently,

even though that was why he didn't want to tell me in the first place. Thanks. Love, Margaret Court. I thought that she was talking about, like, he smoked meth three months ago and she just found out. Three years. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, she's been with him for three years,

and then four months before they were together uh he smoked meth yeah that's fine marguerite you gotta you gotta you gotta like let this one go man why is she so cheesed off then because it's a scary dangerous drug yeah it is i get like that you can feel like you don't know somebody, but you got to remember that you've known him for the last three years. And the reason that he didn't want to tell you isn't because he's still addicted to meth. It's because he thought that you were going to look at him differently, which is exactly what you're doing. So you're sort of proving him right in that regard. I knew you'd be cheesed. Yeah, you're teaching him it's good to lie.

I'm actually not cheesed, mate. I'm not cheesed at all. I'm not super cheesed with you. I'm actually vegan cheesed. And to prove it, I'm going to have a cheese and Vegemite Sandy. I'm a nut cheese of you, mate. I'm actually cashew cheesed and Yahoo serious. Yeah, I think it's fine.

I mean, it's good that he told you. And I also think it's kind of weird when relationships are all about like, you have to tell me your entire past. Like, you don't really have to do that. I think that. Including the meth? Yeah. I think that you sort of, I mean, share some stuff from your past that you think has like shaped you, but I feel like you should really be sharing more about what you are now.

Yeah. I think you said that once recently. It's like anything that happened before I met you is a lockbox, a mystery closet that is forbidden and locked to enter. Yes. But starting now, my life is an open book, babe. I think that's healthy. Maybe the lockbox can have like a code that everybody knows, but there's not really any

reason to go digging around back there. Yeah. But there is something that once you have the, there's like a Simpsons joke where it's like, what is your infatuation with my forbidden closet of mystery? Like once you like don't, once you have this secret pass, this locked up thing, people are more interested, more excited, more curious than ever before. Right. And then you find meth in there and you're like, oh yeah, no wonder it was locked. The whole, I didn't want to tell you because you'd be mad is a, is a trump card a lot of people play.

Like whenever someone finds out something and is mad at you, y'all be like, well, that's why I didn't tell you because you're mad. And then the other Trump card is like, well, I'm mad that you didn't tell me. And this girl can't even use that line because he did tell her. Yeah, well, he told her really late. I think there's like, I don't know. I guess my advice to this person is to try to like understand not, not like why they didn't tell you, but just like try to get a bigger picture of what's going on in your boyfriend's life currently. And like,

as long as you feel confident that he's not doing drugs that make you nervous for his for his life then i think it's okay that he that he did it you can like talk more about his past if you really need to yeah also he hasn't done it in three years i hope that's that's the thing that you got to find out i feel like the question isn't like why the hell didn't you tell me i'm super cheesed at you it's the question is like um what was that experience like for you and would you ever want to smoke meth again did you like it are you at risk of being addicted that kind of thing yeah no sense in relitigating it god meth would you do meth if you were just like if you were guaranteed that you weren't going to die just to like have the

feeling kind of like in a controlled environment yeah that that should be like a type of doctor that lets you experience drugs in a controlled environment or like at a type of an amusement park like you could just go into a little room do a drug surrounded by doctors and know that you'll uh survive but it's also about not being addicted yeah so this is what they do. It's like an amusement park, but instead of rides, it's just different closets. And you go in there and we give you, we administer this drug to you in a controlled environment.

So there's like a really long, you'd get like a fast pass for meth because that one has a really long line. Why do you have to go to a closet? When you get your number, it's a closet because it's a very controlled environment. It's like a safe space.

It's not even a space. It's really small. Yeah. That's too controlled. It's not even a space. It's really small. Yeah, they give you meth. It's really tight and claustrophobic. And you're in a closet on crystal meth. We can keep the line. We can keep the name amusement park because it still is an amusement park. It's not a park.

But instead of rides, it's just closets with meth. But then you can't really leave until you promise. You have to promise. You have to swear that you can't do it again. This is like some kind of medieval torture. This isn't an amusement park. This is a... Yeah, so I'll give you meth, but you have to promise.

This is a horror movie. You're some kind of sadistic serial killer mad scientist guy. This is a Black Mirror episode, actually. I could see that. Yeah. A drug park, an amusement park for adults who want to experience drugs.

I'm actually not too against it. Yeah, you gotta do it smart. No closets, okay? Okay, bud? Yeah, maybe it's the roller coaster still, so you're fucking shooting up on Splash Mountain. That's chill. It's the Purge meets Disney World,

so for one day a year, we let heroin addicts ride the fricking Matterhorn. Amen. All right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. As always, tickets are still available

at jakeandamir.com for our DC show. And if you have any questions or theme songs, please send them to ifireayoushow at gmail.com. Opening theme song by David Kim. Closing one, the rest of that sweet theme song, once again, by David Kim. We'll be back next week when Jake is back from Paris and Copenhagen. Can't wait to hear all about it. Oh, yeah.

Are you going to do meth? Yes. Awesome. Bye. Wait. You just jumped onto a hook let's ask if i were you so if i were you If I were you If I were you

If I first saw them in an episode where I'm here and sit down On the copy, I refuse to be let down Or the way more Ben's girls milk got all over I'm here to space over and over and over Let me ask you a thing and let me know what you think About a handjob I bought from this dude for a clip bar And I came over and over and over So embarrassed I was so sober

So I'll ask over and over and over If I were you it's the best place for closure That was a HeadGum Podcast