Segments - 372: Blanket Poop (w/Nicole Byer!)

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

Comedian and fellow HeadGum podcaster Nicole Byer joins us to discuss dating, flying, and dressing yourself.And for more bonus episodes of If I Were You check out our Patreon page: www.patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. To Mommy B. Yes, dude, it's a fire you show. It's just a podcast, but it's pretty cool, though. Check in the mirror, they're a lot smarter than you, bro.

So you should email in and listen every Monday. That's one of my favorite theme songs in a long time. Yeah. That is my shit. That was really good. That was short and sweet. It was very well produced. The beat, it kind of, it bumped a little bit. Sort of, maybe, like, did it slap or bump?

It bumped, actually. Really? Yeah, he's saying that it bumped. Oh, I like that saying, did it slap or bump? It's very funny. I was clapping on the twos and the fours. This is our new show. We just say something slapped or bumped.

This is slap or bump, and that's the end of the episode. Thanks, everybody. I think it was actually a bop. Oh. Yeah, maybe it did bop. I think it was a bop. Bop it. Bump it.

Slap it. Twist it. It was written by Dan Fork, who is a 3D artist, a rapper, and a producer. That's why he was able to do all of that. That makes sense. And look at this art on his Instagram. Instagram.com slash wealthy relative. That's 3D art.

Self-worth? Is that what it says on that one? Yeah, it does. That one's just... That's cool. Yeah, it's a nice message. It'd be kind of cool to get the tattoo self-worth on your two hands, because this one is self, and then this one would be worth, but you'd kind of have to like scramble.

It'd go like around. Yeah, you need four letter words. So it'd be pretty stupid. W-O-R and then T-H for the last one. W-O-R-T. Oh, yeah, you don't have enough knuckles. Right, yeah, yeah. I'm so upset I had to do that.

And we edited out the 15 minutes when Nicole moved her mic. Count it to four. F-E-L. Oh, that was very sad for me. That was a cover of Mia Khalifa by I Love Friday. So I guess the song is called Mia Khalifa. Oh, I see. Was Mia Khalifa a porn star?

She's a porn star. Well, she might be retired and she might just be sort of like a regular socialite type celebrity person now. Yeah, how does that work if you retire from porn? Wait, what is her name? Mia Khalia? Mia Khalifa. Khalifa. Any relation to Wiz? I wonder.

No, I don't think so. A different Khalifa entirely Yeah Nicole are you looking her up? Of course I am Wikipedia where do you go? Celebrity net worth Her Instagram, Twitter, Facebook

I'm going to google.com I love www.google.com I do not She is a former porn actress Former I do not believe she's of the Khalifas, the Wiz. The Khalifa family. She doesn't seem to be black.

The noble Wiz. Yeah. I believe she is an Indian porn star. I believe so. She's very pretty. She is. Wow, what a body. She's got eyebrows for days.

She does. This is for me. Yeah, save that. Save that link. Big old titties. That's true, too. And little arms. The littler, save that. Save that link. Big old titties. That's true, too. And little arms. The littler, the better.

Such tiny arms. Nothing's hotter than an alligator with big titties. Small arms, big boobs. Very, very tiny arms. That actually brings us into the point of the show. It's an advice podcast. Nicole, you've done it before, so you get it. I have.

It's called If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet that Jake and I host. Yes. Every other show might be an advice show, but we don't host it. Correct. This is the only one that we host. That's right. Sometimes it's just us.

Sometimes we have friends in the studio. Thanks for coming back. Hey, thanks for having me back. The first time you did our show, you didn't have a HeadGum podcast. I don't think I did. And now you have the HeadGum podcast. No, I think this is the HeadGum podcast. No, you took us over.

Our podcast sucks compared to yours. Yours is, we're technically on your network right now. Oh, stop, stop, stop. Honestly, point to someone out there and we will fire them today. Really? Point to anybody. Turn around, point. She's pointing directly at Amir.

Yeah. Let the record show. Get out of here, Amir. But yeah. But thank you guys for letting me have a podcast on your network. It was easy breezy. I came in. I said, I'd like to do a podcast about why people won't date me.

And I can't remember which one of you was like, but what if you get a boyfriend? I was like, oh, you have a lot of faith. That was Amir. He's always asking practical questions. Yeah, I'm such an optimist. Look at me. A year and a half later, and I'm still single. me, a year and a half later and I'm still single. Is it a year and a half?

I thought it was under a year. I started in December. December made it a year. Wow. So a year and two months. A year and two months. Oh my gosh. Wow, congratulations.

I walked in today and said, I wish I were a dog. All they need is their owners and they love them. And Marissa just went oh no we should also say that you won a canadian podcast award today i did which is very cool yeah who knew there was podcasting awards it's funny because it's like best foreign podcast which meant podcast outside of canada which is pretty much all the podcasts. Yes, yes, yes.

That's really funny. Marissa, yours and ours producer, Canadian. She's a very, very nice Canadian. She's a proud Canadian. She was very excited about these awards. You don't even have to say nice Canadian. You can just say Canadian. I guess I'm being redundant. Yeah, people know.

You guys were talking about shit on blankets, and I didn't want to interrupt, but I thought it would be a good podcast. I found shit in my sealed blanket on Delta Airlines. So now I'm just thinking about like how literally two days ago I was in a Delta plane, like with the blanket over my face. Like I,

yeah, that was like how I was sleeping. No, no, no, no, no. You're saying they don't wander.

I was not, but I was in Delta comfort. Oh, okay. Extra leg you're saying they don't wander? Were you in the first class cabin? I was not, but I was in Delta Comfort. Oh, okay. Extra leg room. A little bit. For your little tiny little bit. For all the little hidden ships. You're saying they don't wander?

Did you like shook out the blanket and a turd fell out? No, I opened the sealed blanket and I opened the blanket and brown crust was holding it together. Crust. And then I was like, what is going on? But I opened it more because I was chilly and then like little brown crumbles were falling out

and then I dropped it and then I opened it with my feet and then the smell hit me and I was like, that's a literal piece of shit. What did you do? We were on the descent so I couldn't do anything.

Just take it straight to the pilot when you land. I was like, excuse me, we landed, there's poop. No, I went to the flight attendant and I was like, do you have hand sanitizer? Because I think there's poop in my blanket.

And the flight attendant goes, no. And I said, yes. And then he went and he looked and he screamed, oh, my God, that's a piece of shit. Let me get my phone. And I was trying to. Wait, why phone? He wanted to take a picture. And. Like for fun? I don't know i they've got a document that stuff and i tweeted it at delta oh hell yeah and they were like they

offered me 350 delta dollars and i was like absolutely not there was shit in my blanket 350 and then they offered like 600 and i was guys, there was like shit in my blood. So then it went up like the Chesapeake land. And they were all laughing at me. What a weird negotiation. They're like, 600 for shit? I don't know. What's the price for shit?

Yeah. Well, it ended up being 50,000 miles, my ticket refunded, and $600. That's pretty good. That's good. 50,000 will get you across the country but only two first class flights I did the math

I was like at least four like two first class trips back and forth you know I think I would have asked for like I don't know what

your status is but I would have asked for diamond are you diamond wow and I asked them to match my miles and they were like

how many miles do you have currently and I said $500,000 and they said no, how many miles do you have currently? And I said, 500,000. And they said, no. Damn. Wow. You have 500,000? Yeah.

Now I think I have 800,000. Holy shit. I am absolutely floored. I fly so much. And always on Delta? Yeah. They have televisions on every flight. I flew American from Pittsburgh to LA.

No TV. Yeah. You really- What do they want me to do? Stare at my fucking fingers? I was so angry. TV plus shit blanket equals better than no TV. Yes. Well, I just don't use the blanket. Also, nobody should because they don't wash them.

No airline washes them, I don't think. And I found a bunch of articles that corroborated what the person who worked at Delta told me. They said that someone eyeballs them. If there's no holes, there's no stains. They just get folded back up, put in a bag, and then they seal it, and they put it right back on the plane. Yeah, that's absolutely foul. The little thing on the pillows, the little hygiene thing, never gets changed. This would have been good for unsolicited advice, actually.

Yeah. Don't use the blankets. Don't do it. I've been stealing the little airline pillows and using them at home. They're just so fluffy. I like a nice little soft, small pillow. That's disgusting. If you put three to six in a stack, it feels like a full pillow.

You don't have a comforter. You just have 14 Delta blankets. Delta pillows stitched together. Felt stitched blankets. And one little pillow. Yeah. They're actually stitched together with human shit. Honestly, I'm sure there's a man out there

who doesn't have anything on his bed but an airline pillow and blanket. There's also somebody out there listening who's like, I think I shit into a Delta blanket. I want to keep talking about it, and hopefully whoever did it is like, it was me. My theory is that it was a freaked-out dad or mom and the kid shit, and they just put it is like, it was me. My theory is that it was a freaked out dad or mom and the kid shit and they like just put it in the blanket

and threw it away. Yeah, I mean, it could be that. It could be an animal where they freaked out and they're like, I don't want to get charged. Dog poop, dog poop could be a thing. Oh, yeah. But Delta thinks it was a disgruntled employee. Whoa.

Is that true? That's pretty cool. What was your, I just got have i'm such a delta fan that i'm like i love delta what was your communication like was it on the phone was it an email is it in person meeting all all done over twitter it was done over twitter and then after other people like retweeted it and they're like this is bad this is a bad look you like you take this off twitter so then they we were dming and then they would not give me a number to call they would call me so i would have to tell them when i was available and then they would have someone call me it was very strange

and then i talked to maybe three representatives until i was talking to the executive something or other. I don't know. It wasn't like the CEO. It was this very nice man who like told me what he was going to give me. And he was like kind of giggly. Like everyone was kind of giggly about it. Because it is poop. Because it's poop and it's so wild. At one point someone was like, but I mean, you are a comedian. So like, isn't it fun that you have like new material?

And I was like, I would have much rather never been shitted on i would rather not be able to fill an hour that i've been shitted on 50 000 miles it's so funny that there's a specific quantity of miles for a poop blanket yeah yeah everybody has a different threshold maybe maybe some people would be like 10 000's fine yeah i mean their first offer was 250 bucks. It was $350 Delta dollars. You can't even go round trip to New York for that. You can't do anything. Also, they give it to you on an American Express gift card. Oh, Jesus. So you have to like use it

where they accept gift cards. So if you want to go to Phoenix sometime. I got that. Uh-huh. Alright, let's try to answer some questions. We found some of ladies who are dating that I feel like you could shed some wisdom on that Jake and I maybe can't. Okay. Aren't you both in relationships?

Yeah. So why would I be shedding the wisdom? Because it's a lady struggling to date, and I don't know what's normal for ladies dating. So this is where you would come in. Do you have a fake name to call this lady? Because we still want to preserve her anonymity. It could be anything. Let's call her Furtada.

I like that. Nelly or like eggs? Eggs, definitely eggs. Eggs Furtada, right. Because Nelly is Furtato. Very good. Very good. I stand corrected.

I met a guy on Bumble not too long ago, writes Eggs, and we decided to meet up for a coffee date. He was sweet and we got along great. I was pretty jazzed afterwards and couldn't wait to meet up for a coffee date he was sweet and we got along great i was pretty jazzed afterwards and couldn't wait to meet up again we planned another date this time at a bowling alley but this guy showed up half an hour late he was very apologetic but i was tired and pretty pissed i tried to make the best of things but the night was basically ruined what he texted me the next day saying i know we might not have a big connection but i do like you and i hope we can hang out again. Terrible, right?

He then proceeded to invite me to his house for a movie night. I hesitated but ultimately agreed, fully knowing what I'd get myself into. Three hours into the movie sesh, he lunges at me. He made sure to get my consent and then had my clothes off and his head in between my legs within 30 seconds. But that was short-lived because I soon was on the receiving end of some jackhammer-like thrust. And a minute later, it was over. Now, I would never judge a guy for not lasting long.

But I do have a problem with men who think that sex ends when they finish. Aside from the briefest of foreplays, this man made no effort to make sure I enjoyed the experience. He even said, glad we could make that happen. That's a way to wrap up the act. We're in our late 20s, so I feel like he should know better. I don't know whether to cut him off or be honest with him about how I'm feeling

and give him another chance. What do you think? Love, Frittata. Okay, Frittata. Does this ring true? Yes. This is normal or an anomaly? Yes, it's normal I think a lot of men think sex ends when they come And it doesn't end when they come

I'm personally floored at the moment Who else is there in sex? There's another person there You gotta make sure they come too When you're not masturbating, that one Yes, but it's duo sex. There's two people. A two for one.

Singular sex is uno per se. When you're masturbating, that does end when you come. Yeah, that's just all about you. No, it ends when your neighbor comes. Whoa, the peeping Tom. Yeah, when your neighbor's outside the window being like, Oh boy, I'm about to cum. Don't stop till they come. Don't stop till they cum.

Don't stop till they get enough. I do not think Furtada should give this person a second chance. I do think Furtada should keep this experience in their mind. So the next time they're having sex with somebody, if they decide sex is done when they cum, Furtada can then say, no, no,

you can do X, Y, and Z to get me off. I'm glad you came, but I still need to because it's not just you. It's both of us. This is a learning experience. And then 30 minutes late to a date. I'm perpetually late for everything. It annoys almost everybody in my life. It's very hard for me to get places on time. And it's not like a disrespect thing.

I have ADD, and it's just really hard for me to get anything together. So I would give him a pass on that. 30 minutes late, fine. Yeah. Jackhammer fucking. The jackhammer fucking. That's no bueno. I was on a bit of a pendulum during this question because the half an hour late, I was like, what the hell?

Like, what are you talking about? And he came apologizing. And then the second time he came, he did not apologize. Yeah. Very nice. Very, very nice. I really found that. It was nice.

Yeah. So the other – the date – the late date, excusable. Jack hammering, less excusable. I think when you're having sex for like the first time with a guy, I feel like coming too quick and not knowing like what you're doing is more – it's just like more prevalent. So like if you have, if you like sleep with somebody, what about just like waiting a little bit and then fucking again later? Yes. That is always very nice. Yes. A little intermission and then you get it going again.

Honestly, that's usually what happens the first time I have sex with people. It's like, we're like, oh, we're very both excited. Oh, no. It's happening. And then you just kind of lay there for a little bit and you're like, oh, boy, that was quick. And then you're like, can we try it again? And they're like, sure. Yeah, that's been my experience with sex

as well. Except when it's quick, I sort of lay there and I pretend like it wasn't a huge mistake. Like I'm glad we both did that on purpose. Yeah. Whoa. We were ravishing each other.

That got away from both of us if you ask me. Yeah. Then you reset and you're like, okay, now. And also I think people don't – I think the first time is awkward. Like seeing someone naked for the first time is like weird. You're, it's a very vulnerable place, but I think we need to teach people that like talking during sex and asking for what you want is okay.

Yes. And there's a hot way to do it too. You don't have to be like, now you pleasure me. No, no. Yeah. You could like, uh, yeah, just be sexy about it. Right. Like a, uh, like a breathy slower

yeah hey put your lips on my clip yeah actually if anybody wants we can get that clean and then you can play it

for them when Sony's down yeah just play that you should make an app put your lips on my clip that's good and that Jake said that

you need a Nicole soundboard an app that for ladies honestly what a dream come true that would be. We could probably make that happen. Really? I feel like Marissa knows how to do a soundboard.

Absolutely. I would kill for that. And it could be an app. Did you have it in the app store? Yeah. Oh my God, what a dream come true that would actually be. What would the name of the app be? Nicole wants you to come.

Come with the gold. I do. I want everyone to come all the time. It is weird how good it feels. It feels great. Yeah, it looks like pissing, basically. Why does it feel so much better? That's such a noble mission. To get everybody to come. Yeah, I just want to make the world come. Well, I

think everyone would be just a little less tense if they came at least once a day. A day? Yeah. Oh, I try to come at least once a day. Wow, so it's almost like exercise. No. That was a four hour pause. It's nothing like exercise. Yeah, I know. Exercise once a day. It's like a nice daily habit. It's a going to the gym. Yeah.

It's ejaculating. Yeah, I think, I don't know, start your day or end your day that way. That's good. I like to start and end the day that way. You need to learn about your body. If you don't know about your body, how can you teach someone else about your body? Yeah, I bet there's actual studies and anatomical results like what happens when you don't get that release for weeks months maybe even years it does really i mean it releases endorphins right it makes it

the very least it is like exercise that's now i see where you are going with it but like and i do end up in a puddle of sweat in a gym locker room most of the times that's why it's sort of like the opposite of exercise because a lot of the time I dread exercise, but then I do it and I'm happy and I'm glad I did it. And with masturbation, I anticipate it and I dream of it and then I do it and I'm ashamed of it. Really? You're ashamed? No, I guess I'm not ashamed, but I am like,

oh, you're disgusting. No, so never mind. I'm not ashamed. I'm just disgusted with myself. No, it's mind. I am ashamed. You need to get this out of people's minds. I'm not ashamed. I'm just disgusted with myself. No, it's good. You did something good for yourself. I don't think it's shameful. I don't really think it's shameful,

but the second I've come and I'm just staring at a tiny little computer screen like a woman's asshole, I'm like, what's wrong with you? Nothing. You're a sexual being in this world. But also for Tata, this man said that he didn't feel like they had a connection. Right. So that would be my main reason for not giving him another chance.

He literally told you what's up. That's true. The bowling thing is fine. The we don't have a connection, but I want to fuck you text. Yeah, that's the shittiest part. Yeah. How transparent is the, do you want to come over and watch a movie thing?

Have you been there before? It's very transparent. Are you even watching the movie? No. When someone's like, do you want to come over and watch a movie? I'm like, let's just fuck. I don't need the appetizer of watching a shitty movie. Because movies are too long.

I would be like, let's do a show. Let's do a YouTube movie. Because movies are too long. I would do, I would be like, let's do a show. Let's do a YouTube clip. I'll watch, let's watch an episode of Billions and then I'll blow you. Let's watch a Vine and then I'll fuck you.

A Vine, six seconds. And I don't even want to let it loop. Let's Vine to Vine. I just want to watch a dunk contest and get a blowjob instead.

Yeah, I mean, i don't know why we veil things just ask for what you want it's and then there is this like sense of like he asked for my consent and then went forward it seems like the new version of like fake wokeness is like i asked for the consent and now i can go back to what i was doing before this whole thing would love to know what words he used. Like, were they making out? And did he, like, reach back and was like, do I have your consent?

Permission slip? Did I have your consent? I'm about to blow my top! Like, what? How interesting. I feel like if you're making out, and you're like, can I do more? And they're like, yeah.

Like, is that getting consent? I don't know. It's a, guess consent consent is sexy but i would love to know the way he phrased it i don't think it was probably sexy there's like a dip i feel like there's also a dip like there's consent to have sex but not necessarily consent to be terrible at it yes correct yes you have my permission to proceed but yes let's make it good because i can be good at you can rescind consent at any time. That's right. Like, it's not, oh, well, shit, I already said yes, and now he's jackhammering.

Yeah, it's not like a waiver. Yeah, you'd be like, this is bad for me. Right? Okay, consent rescinded. Consent withdrawn. I didn't realize you were terrible. I changed my answer then. So for this lady, for this specific guy, you don't have to give him a third chance or a second chance.

It would be a fourth chance at this point, wouldn't it? What do you think of coffee dates, by the way? She says coffee date. Is that a waste of time for you? A day date? Is that ever going to be good? I don't think so. I'm of the school of we see each other at night

until we're okay seeing each other during the day. Daytime is scary. It's very sobering i used to very if when i was on dating apps if somebody wanted to hang out with me during the day i would never ever see them no because i would like you're a vampire i just knew that that like meant fundamentally there was a difference in what we were looking for yes like you want you want to get a latte. That means you want to, you're ready to date. Yeah. I want to meet up at 4am with like my friends and your friends. Yes. And then see how that goes. And then you're like, all right, I like spending time with you in a group setting. We'll move to nighttimes alone. Yeah. And then I'm good with that. And maybe I'll sleep over

and see you in the morning. But even still, I don't know. You meet drunk and then you can graduate to meeting to get drunk. Because then you end up with coffee. Start with strip teas, end up at herbal teas. You're at a Starbucks or a Teavana.

You're getting a latte. Very funny. Was it? Alright, great, because nobody laughed. No, no. you're getting a latte very funny was it? alright great because nobody laughed no no yeah a lot of people rolled their eyes

it was sort of like we appreciated it yes I think that's what it was I was like what a good joke it was like respect you went like this well yeah

I mean it was just because you have it I see it written on your computer yeah this question is fake. I wrote it to set me up for that, the herbal teas thing. The herbal teas.

The strip teas to herbal teas. No, just joking. It's a real email, as always. All right, let's take a break. How many emails do you get? Oh, thousands. Really? How many unread?

13,000. 17,000. Whoa. 13,000. Whoa. That's right. Alright, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back with more questions and answers

with Nicole. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

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Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have. You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course.

You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right?

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right, promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Nicole, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Do it.

It's my thing. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. That was Jake that said, Mom, I'm coming. Was that, that wasn't made by a fan? That was, who made that? That was made by an enemy. Oh, okay. No, that was also made by a fan? Who made that? That was made by an enemy. Oh, okay.

No, that was also made by a fan. I mean, that enemy did a very good job. Yeah, it's Lars, who we actually met at a show in Amsterdam. Yes, we did. Oh. But that one we keep. We like it so much.

We play it every episode. How's Amsterdam? It's awesome. I've never been. Yeah, you should head there. It's very, very fun. Fly Delta. Do head gum shows there.

Oh, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. We do head gum shows. Head Oh, that's a good idea. We do head gum shows. Head gum Euro. Because I want to do my live podcast more. It's fun. We are going to do a head gum show. We'll talk to you about it today.

We haven't announced it yet. Oh, boy. It's happening. It's coming. But let's do more. That's a good tease. Let's hit the road, dude. You want to go to Europe? Let's go to London.

I really... Let's go to English-speaking countries. Fuck head gum. It's just us three. Yeah. We're the best, dude. You want to go to Europe? Let's go to London. Let's go to English speaking countries. Fuck HeadGum. It's just us three. Yeah. We're best fucking friends. Well, not now, but we will be. A dynamic trio. Oh, yeah. And then I can try out my Irish accent.

R to tart to T. Welcome to why won't you take me? That's really good. Better than ours. Truly, this is exactly what we did in Dublin. Really? Yeah. And they ate it up. They hated up. Okay, here's my unsolicited, wait, is it unsolicited advice? Unsolicited advice, let's grab it. Okay, wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. I was talking about this with a friend.

I don't know at what point people decide to look like other people. Oh, interesting. Like where they're like, oh, this, like, you know how, like, little kids will wear, like, a Batman costume, a raincoat, and cowboy boots, and, like, a fucking, like, dumpster on their head? Yeah. And they're like, I won't leave the house

unless I dress like this! And then, at some point, you're like, well, I can't stand out, and I can't look weird, and I can't wear what I want to wear. I have to wear, you know, like, what a Kardashian is wearing, or what, like, a celebrity is wearing. Like, I have to look weird and I can't wear what I want to wear. I have to wear, you know, like what a Kardashian is wearing or what a celebrity is wearing.

I have to look like everybody else. I want to fit in. Why? Why do we have to fit in? That's a good question. Why do we teach people that it's good to fit in?

Would you have joined HeadGum if I was just at my desk in a Batman costume, a cape, and a dumpster on my head? I'd be like, hi, I run the plate.

Honestly? Probably. All right, there you go. I'd be like, hi, I run the plate. Honestly, probably. All right, there you go. I feel like this dude loves himself and he knows who he is. The proof is in the pudding. You start to just mimic

the people that you hang out with. Yes. Amir and me and Marty wear the exact same thing most of the time. you are both wearing shades of gray on top and jeans on the bottom.

It's like when females live together, they get the same They sync up with their blood. So when guys do it, they sync up with their style. But you two are dressed well. It's nice that your clothes fit. I feel like some men they all know how to make their clothing fit.

You're talking about too loose or too tight? Too loose. I never need to see cargo shorts. Yeah. But unless you want to wear cargo shorts because you're doing some Jurassic Park cosplay, go right ahead. Gabrus style. Costumes are cool. I love that Gabrus wears very tight tank tops.

It brings me joy. And he wears bright, colorful things. The way he dresses brings me joy the fanny packs I love Gabriel's fanny packs it's great I wish more people dressed to bring themselves joy

you know I started since I've been in New York I've started taking more fashion risks actually that was something that I you'll notice he's wearing a light shade of gray he usually doesn't go that light

now that I'm in LA I'm back to my old ways. But I got a long coat in New York. See? Nice. That's nice. Thank you. What color is it?

Well, it's gray. It's black. I also wish boys wore more colors. Like, I feel like you rarely see men in, like, purples or pinks or traditionally female colors or whatever. That's true. But I wish. I shy away from bright colors.

Why? I don't know. I just, I have a neutral palette. Okay. I don't, but I don't, yeah, it's not like I'm a, it's not like I love colors, but I'm like, no, no, Jake, you must wear grays and blues. You have to blend in with the crowd on a cloudy day. Just wear what you like.

That's what I think. That's good advice. You little fatty, wear a crop top. And if somebody looks at you, that means you affected them. You're hypnotizing me. Your body's powerful. When you're dressing, do you

have a style, a wardrobe, or it's going to change every single day? It changes every single day because on one day I could look like a fun grandma in like a sequined sweater

with like leopard print boots or today I look like a little boy I'm wearing a Back to the Future hoodie and flame bands. You look cool today. Thank you. It looks like you

skateboarded to HeadGum. I just skateboarded right in, dude. My mom let me come over and I'm real happy about it. Trumpled up a chocolate milk and tossed it over your shoulder. I was like, fuck this, fuck this. Yeah, I just, my casual look is very, like, little boy.

And then, like, my glam look is very, I like, I love vintage stuff. I wear a lot of vintage and old shit because I feel like it has a fun little story. Do you have like a style role model icon? Someone that you're like, oh, this is my style goal? Oh. You borrow from a bunch of people? I kind of like to look like

if I time traveled to the 90s or the 80s, people would be like, there's something off, but she fits, right? Overall, fine. That's the glasses look. It's like the glasses i wore in third grade are now like yeah the glasses i'm wearing are like have you ever seen matilda yes yeah the little

black girl matilda wears glasses like these and that's why i got them there you go matilda chic everything's got a story matilda swinton matilda that's your style kind wind always looks insane, and I love it. That's cool. I just love, like, I was doing shows in Seattle, which is notoriously rainy. And I feel like people kind of dress to the rain. But I was wearing leopard print leggings, a shirt with, like, rainbow hearts on it. And then I had a leopard print raincoat. Wow. And I look wild. But, like, I looked in the mirror, and I was like, this is what I want to look like.

And everyone stared at me on the street. And I was like, you know what? I think I'm bringing people joy. Yeah. They're definitely smiling. You should be able to look in the mirror before you leave and just be like, fuck yeah. Yeah. This is what I want to wear.

Yep. That's what I do. And then people, let's see, another piece of unsolicited advice is sometimes men will be like, don't wear so much makeup. Hey, shut up. If I won't wear makeup, let me wear makeup. So is your unsolicited advice not to tell people not to wear too much makeup or to allow anybody to wear as much makeup as they want? Wear whatever you want on your face. If you don't like makeup, don't feel pressured to wear it yeah if you love being caked down don't let don't let people pressure you into wearing less do you like being caked down it makes me claustrophobic love it i love

like today's a very simple look because i hurt my back pole dancing and i was in bed with icy hot and i was running late well Well, thank you for coming. No problem. Despite the injury. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. It's a trying time for me.

But I just put on like a little foundation. But like on a good day, it usually takes me about 45 minutes to do my makeup and I contour myself into a different person. Wow. Damn. And I love it. It's therapeutic. It feels good.

I love a brush on my face. I love when I put my lashes on and they're huge and I can see them. Does it take a long time to take it off? Do you like taking it off? No. So a good beat takes me 40, 45 minutes, maybe an hour for something special. And it takes me 10 minutes to take it off. Got it.

I started using a jade roller. What do you know about jade rollers? I like them, but I have very oily skin, so it's kind of annoying. I have to remember to wash it between every use. What's the point of a jade roller? This is the rock on a stick that you roll. Yes, and you just roll it on your face, and it feels nice. It feels so, especially when I use it if I'm a tiny bit hungover.

Oh, my God. Well, your skin looks great. Well, thank you. It must be the jade. And I think it's jade roller. It's gotta be. Gotta do some ads for jade rollers. Let's get it on there.

Marissa, two ads for jade roller and an app. Okay. That's my Canadian accent. It's also your Jamaican. And my Irish. Okay, Pedro. Okay, don't you know? One accent fits all uh all right here's another question from another lady uh that you can help us out with what shall we call this one okay there's

another lady let's call her rudy huxtable i like that rudy what was her real name rudy huxtable. I like that. Rudy. What was her real name, Rudy Huxtable? That's Raven-Symoné, wasn't it? No, that's Olivia. Yeah, yeah. Rudy was Tempest Bloodso? No, that was Vanessa? No, no. Oh, Rudy's the one who, ooh. I forget already.

I don't know. Let's call her Laura Winslow. And I won't ask you her real name. Because I truly don't know. Laura, do you know Laura Winslow's real name? Sadie. No. Sadie Hawkins.

No, let's call her Stefan Urkel. I like that. Do you remember the end of Family Matters? No. Steve Urkel goes to the moon. Really? That's how it ends? That's the finale?

One of the last episodes, and there's a newscast where they're like, the nerd is on the moon. And it's like, wait, what? That's truly insane. It's wild. Television 20 years ago, you couldn't do it now. You absolutely could do anything. Kesha Knight Pulliam is Rudy Huxtable. Keisha.

Keisha. Kesha? It says S-H-I-A. It's Keisha. Keisha Knight Pulliam is Rudy Huxtable. Oh, Keisha. Keisha. Keisha? It says S-H-I-A. I'm pretty, it's Keisha. Keisha Knight Pulliam. Keisha Knight Pulliam. But the S is a dollar sign through it? So you're on Keisha's Wikipedia page.

Yes, I'm sorry. Wrong. Keisha. Keisha. All right. Rudy writes, Rudy Huxtable. Yeah. Sometimes I post nude photos of my body on the internet.

Sure. That's fine and not the issue here. I never include my face or identifying features. I just enjoy the momentary attention and resulting flood of compliments. I don't respond to the majority of people, men, who send me a message. But a few weeks ago, I did respond to a guy who sent me a message in response to a picture I posted. But it wasn't creepy or sexual at all. We started chatting, and I gave him my

Snapchat username, not my main account, I'm not dumb, and we continued chatting on there. We talked a lot. It was one of those connections where everything clicks, the words flow, and you guys just really get each other and enjoy talking all day. After a day or two, we sent face

pics, and I was surprised to see that he's actually very attractive. That usually doesn't happen in these types of scenarios. Through somewhat vague descriptions of our geographical locations, we actually realized that we live very close to one another, like very close. We were shocked. Well, it turns out he has a girlfriend. They're in a long distance relationship and he doesn't feel like he can really talk to her about the problems that he has, so he turns to other outlets like the internet. He apologized and admitted it was wrong. I told him we should stop talking, as it's not fair to his girlfriend, and we ceased communications for about a week.

But then I stupidly messaged him because I was stoned, and I wanted to tell him something that had happened to me earlier that day. And of course, now we're talking again. I brought up how I still feel like it's wrong that we're talking if we have feelings for each other. And he agreed that it's shitty. I know I should stop, but I don't feel bad enough to. Though I definitely don't feel great about the whole thing. I guess my question for you guys is, am I bad for this?

I pride myself on being open and straightforward but this feels shady i'm chronically single in this uh and seem to have such bad luck when it comes to dating thanks love rudy huxtable oh boy rudy rudy you're being rude nice oh boy have you ever messed with a boy with a girl long distance or wife or something like that? I fucked a dude who had a wife. Okay, so that's, yeah. When I was in Canada. Got it. Oh, Canada.

With Marissa, right? Yes, it was Marissa's husband. Accepting your podcast award? Uh-huh. I was accepting my, I was like, thank you for this award. Oh, daddy. Put your lips on my clit. Put your lips on my clit. Put your lips on my clit.

We already recorded the app. We just have to make it at this point. Please make me an app. But he told me that they had an agreement when they were out of town. They were allowed to sleep with other people. Who knows if that's true? I just took what he said at face value. And I truly never saw him again.

Also, he left peanuts in my pussy. What? Why? Was this Mr. Peanut? It was Mr. Peanut. It was the plagiarist peanut man. He had a monocle and a top hat, and then he shoved peanuts in me. No, he bit into his snickers before he went down on me.

On purpose? I didn't, like, it didn't click that, like, don't do that. Was it like, I'm being sexy, I'm gonna eat chocolate and eat your pussy? We were both wasted, and he, like, don't do that. Was it like, I'm being sexy. I'm going to eat chocolate and eat your pussy. We were both wasted. And he went to go get condoms and came back with condoms and a Snickers bar. And then we were making out. And he was like, hold on.

He bit into it. And I was like, oh, I guess he's hungry. I don't know. Then he went down to me the next morning. Truly, I should do the commercial for Snickers. Then the next day, I was like, what are these hard things falling out of me? Oh, my God. You had a nougat infection.

Probably. That sounds great, though. If I went down on a girl and she had just like a pussy full of Snickers, I would be like so pleased. Right? Like, oh, boy, you were carrying snacks for me? Yeah. Is that a take five in there? Holy shit, there's a mounds.

Imagine there was like a pussy vending machine. A mounds pubis. What were you saying? A pussy vending machine? A pussy vending machine. I like that. Anywho. Where weren't we?

Rudy knows she's being bad. Rudy says she doesn't feel good about this, but she likes the attention. Rudy answered her own question. It's exciting. It's sexy. It's forbidden. Yeah, but think about it this way, Rudy. Would you appreciate it if it was done to you?

Probably not. No. But is it on her to be the more responsible one? I would say that Rudy's being Rudy and the guy's being rude. Oh, okay. But the guy's being rude adjacent. It's like a tiny rude. She shouldn't do this.

But they stopped speaking and then she reached out to restart this. Yeah, that's, so that's definitely a bad look for her. Also, I love how many accounts she has. You gotta respect that. She has multiple snaps. Where do people

post nudes like that? Do you know, like, are there apps dedicated to just nudes or it's like, because Instagram doesn't allow for it. Oh, subreddit.

Oh. Reddit is a very scary place. I don't understand Reddit. All I know is a lot of people on Reddit do not like me. What? Who?

Where? A lot of gentlemen don't like me. Where? They're like, she talks about dicks too much. If a man did that, he would be fired from everything. They're like, do you never go to comedy shows? They don't probably. You should just make your own subreddit.

It'll be all your fans. Or I'm just like, I love me. Yeah. Wear whatever you want. Don't have the time. Rudy, I think you're only hurting yourself, Rudy, because I think Rudy thinks this man's going to leave his girlfriend for her. Yeah.

And I don't think that's going to happen. Right. I think if he was going to leave his girlfriend for her, it probably would have happened already. And I think she should just cut it out. I mean, I have a lot of trouble with that. We're going all through the TGIF. Michelle Tanner style.

No, sorry. Wait, what's his name? That's Stephanie. Oh, that's Joey. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Stephanie is how rude. No, Michelle is how rude.

No, Stephanie is how rude. Stephanie is how rude. No, Michelle is how rude. No, Stephanie is how rude. Stephanie is how rude. Yeah. And then Uncle Joey is cut it out. And then Uncle Jesse is like, everybody wants to fuck me? Yeah. And DJ's like, oh, have mercy. Oh, have mercy.

Have mercy is good. And Danny is like, oh, I don't like germs. We're going to clean the house. Yeah. And then DJ is boring. Yeah. But Steve is like, oh, you got any food? Steve?

Hey, Mr. T, you got a sandwich? Yeah, Scott Weiner. What is that girl, the neighbor who's always coming over? Kimmy. I don't have neighbors who always come over. Yeah. That's a trope in television that I don't think is real. Yeah, middle America maybe.

Oh, maybe. That's like Coming over Wisconsin. Steve Urkel was a neighbor. Yes. Wilson from Home Improvement. Kramer. Yes. Kramer, just like neighbors coming over.

Kramer. I mean, why did he open the door with such fervor? Every single time. Every single time. Probably because he got an applause. Ah. He was always chasing that. Oh, you thought the characters on Seinfeld could hear the studio audience?

They had to be able to. Yeah, definitely. Why else are they always making jokes? Definitely had to. That's why he was trying so hard. I've actually never seen an episode of Seinfeld. Really? I'm so sorry to hear that.

Or Friends. Really? Let's keep going. Or what? Name a very popular TV show for whites. I've never seen Frasier. Cheers. Frasier was definitely for whites.

I've seen the pilot episode of Cheers because everyone's like, it's the best pilot. The perfect pilot. It's a good pilot. Yeah. Not interested. Maybe one day. So what were you watching growing up? Family Matters?

I watched Family Matters. Yeah. I watched Living Single. Got it. I watched Moesha. I watched The Parkers. Martin? Hanging with Mr. Cooper mr cooper no i didn't watch

martin i loved hanging with mr cooper too i was on a plane with mark curry and he kept looking at my titties that's fun and i was like yeah i'm hanging with mr cooper what's the heck sexually shook out a delta blanket and he's a a piece of shit fell out, and I was like, oops, it's mine. And then I watched Parenthood with Robert Townsend. I feel like nobody watched that. Did you watch any shows with the White family? California Dreamin'. You did not even say it by the bell?

It was California Dreamin'. Was that the one where they had a band? Yeah, it's a surfer band. California Dreamin' on such a... That's not the actual theme song. They used to be always, don't wake me up, don't wake me up because I'm dreaming.

And then you had Sly who wasn't in the band but was always there. Yeah, he was like the manager, right? Yeah. I love Sly. I watched Hangtime, getting together. Hangtime. With Anthony Anderson. Yeah, with Anthony Anderson. I watched Hangtime. Getting together. Hangtime. With Anthony Anderson.

Yeah, with Anthony Anderson. Everyone was playing basketball. It was a show about a high school basketball team, but they still had to shoot it on a set. So it was like a basketball court the size of this table. It was a very small basketball court. That's what I watched. Oh, and then I watched It Takes Two with the Olsen twins.

So more like children's shows than like Friends and Seinfeld for like white adults. Oh, I guess those are adult shows. What were you watching in high school? Oh God, your nose is bleeding. I don't know. Maybe nothing. Simpsons? No, I've never seen.

So you've never seen Simpsons, Seinfeld, or Friends? I've seen one episode of The Simpsons. Which one? I have to know. Oh, I don't know. I know there was a clown. Monorail. Did you watch SNL? No.

It's interesting. Everything that formed who I am today is something you've never seen at all. So we shouldn't get along at all. Yet we're still joking around having a good time. I think it's because I'm a nice person. Oh, yeah. She's just been yes-anding you.

She doesn't think you're funny at all. I don't think you're funny, and I don't know any of your references. You would love Seinfeld. Okay. You would love The Simpsons. Maybe I'll give it a try. I think you would like Seinfeld. You think?

Well, there's lots of fun little dating faux pas that happen in it. That's right. Here's what I was watching. Movies. I watched a lot of movies growing up my mother would buy us just tons of movies got it great I saved that I was a normal kid growing up

wait a second name one of the movies oh no I was gonna ask oh no Ben Hur he just watched Ben Hur over and over and over again on loop. I was a normal kid.

That one's hilarious. I watched every Kirk Douglas movie and no Simpson, Seinfeld, SNL, Frasier. Are you a big Charlton Heston fan? I watched the Ten Commandments on repeat. I just loved all those commandments. I don't know who Chandler is. I was like, ten? How nice and even.

I watched Back to the Future on repeat. That's good. Ghost was my favorite movie. Hearts and Souls is one of my favorites. Listen, you're not under trial here. We're not here to judge. There's a bunch of stuff we haven't seen. The lie detector test is coming in now.

You said you watched Ben-Hur. Can you tell us how they break into act three On the fourth VHS tape that you had to put in Oh boy Thank you so much for coming by And helping us answer some questions Hey, it's done? We really appreciate it

Sorry for grilling you at the end About your pop culture knowledge Did we help Rudy? What was her question? Oh yeah, don't aid in the cheating of the ex-girlfriend. I think she should stop talking to him again but if he reaches out,

you did your re-entry and needling. But now you woke the bear. Now I'd retreat and see what happens. See if we've intrigued him. And maybe they'll break up soon. And then you can do this.

Maybe. In a less mean way. I think the fact that they're in a long distance relationship makes it a little bit more okay. Because he shouldn't be in that relationship anyway. Yeah. If you're in a long distance relationship and you're like, it is okay for you to speak to other women because I'm not there. But then it's like he's almost starting another long distance relationship with this other person.

But they're closer. They are closer. Yeah. But like if it's not in person, then like you're doing the same thing I feel like. I don't know. I just need him to be open with his partner about what he's doing. I guess here's what I would say. Like now this guy has the information that he needs to either be a good boyfriend to his long distance girlfriend or break up and try to start something new with you.

And that's where we should leave it. So take a beat. Let him decide. Yeah. Take a beat. Yeah, that's cool. You've put yourself out there. You've shown him your naked pictures, flirted with him, told him you live nearby and that you like him.

I do wonder what his naked pictures are. I wonder if she's got big old titties and small arms. I'm asking right now if she has small arms. I see you forwarded that to your personal email. Did she include a naked picture? No, she did not. Bummer.

I'm the opposite. I got little titties and big arms. Where do you post your nudes? It can't be Instagram. On Instagram. And I just put little stickers over my titties and big arms. Where do you post your nudes? It can't be Instagram. On Instagram. And I just put little stickers over my titties. Oh. You're not afraid of the nude photos online like that? No.

Bodies are bodies. If someone sees my naked body, then I guess you got a treat. And then how do those pictures perform versus a picture of you on stage? They perform very well because people are like, wow, how brave. I can't believe you look at that in the mirror and have someone take a picture of it and then post it. That really must be. Nobody comments on like people with like ripped bodies and huge tits are like, oh, this is so brave of you to post. No, not at all.

They call those people sluts. And then somebody like you is just brave. And then fatties are brave. I do like that you post every picture in hashtag so brave. So brave. Because it made me laugh so hard every time I would see them. I'm like, I wish I had your confidence. And look at the mirror and like what you see.

Witness my courage. I don't know. That's a good segue into your podcast, Why Won't You Date Me? That's my podcast. So what's the quick pitch on your podcast? My podcast is called Why Won't You Date Me? The beginning episodes, I would interview people I'd hooked up with. And the later episodes, since people stopped agreeing to do it.

Of course. Some people are just not into talking about their personal lives. Weird. I interview comedians and friends and drag queens and just lots and lots of people about their dating lives. I talk about my dating life. It's a good time. People love it. It's fun.

It's the most beloved podcast on HeadGum. Really? Yeah. It's a hit. It's nice. It's a gosh darn hit. When people comeGum. Really? It's a hit. It's nice. It's a gosh darn hit. When people come to my shows, they're like, I listen to your podcast, and it's very nice. Yeah.

A lady named Nicole in Irvine last week just said, out of nowhere, why don't you date me? And I was like, thank you. Yes, that's the name of my podcast. Do you have anything else to say? She was asking you out. Maybe. Maybe. People love to just scream it at me have

you ever met up with a fan of the podcast through the podcast no i listen to the show i love it i'd love to take you out fucked a dude at my show because during the very strange giggle and i was like i like your giggle and he's like i'm single and i was like okay and he slid into my dms but i was already sleeping because i was tired because I had flowed in that day. So getting older is really fucking with my mojo. Yeah, you get laid a lot less. But that's it.

That's the podcast. It's also pretty sexually explicit, allegedly. It's very honest, very open. I don't know. That's what people say. They're like, it's raunchy. I'm like, is it?

It's just you. Yeah, I don't think I'm raunchy. Just listen to the soundboard. Come with Nicole. It's in the aftertour now. Decide for yourself. It's my clip. The opening theme song is written by Dan Fork.

This closing one is written by Rue from Dublin. It's a Fleetwood Mac landslide parody. We're coming to Dublin. Yeah, with Nicole, I guess. We're going to figure out. We're hopping on delta.com right now. We're going to London. Be sure to see us in Amsterdam. Nicole, I guess. We're going to figure out. We're hopping on Delta.com right now. We're going to London. Be sure you see us

in Amsterdam, Singapore. Be sure you see us in Croatia. I'd love to go to Dubrovnik. We'll be everywhere soon enough. On an infinite timeline, we'll be everywhere and you guys can check us out then. Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for coming on our show again.

We're about to record your show now, so don't go anywhere. And if you're listening at home, we'll be back next week. Thanks, everybody. Scrolling on Tinder last night I found a hiding source, I swept her right

Oh my God, It's a match I can't believe It's true I have to tell If I were you Oh Jake and Amir What does this mean I need your help

To seize the cheese Should I send her a message asking Are you game for some late night hand stuff And some morning shame? I don't know I don't want to seem like a hoe Cause I've been so damn single And my balls are so damn blue So tell me truly Am I being unruly

If I were you If I were you If I were you If I were you Tell me what to do