Segments - 373: Girls on Porn (w/Laura and Rachel!)

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

New HeadGum podcasters Laura and Rachel stop by to discuss their show "Girls on Porn" and answer as many porn-related questions as we can get through in a good old fashioned porn lightning round episode.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is everything you've wanted Because you are scared and broken hearted there's no one anywhere to ask but now you're resigning to taking advice from to choose your listening to

if I were you it's if I were you Fuck yeah, that song owns. I can't tell if it's a bad parody or a good parody of a bad song. It's a great parody of a great song. Because the singing is bad, but also the New Found Glory singing was bad. So maybe he's doing a good job.

He's doing a vocal match. Yeah. I strongly and vehemently disagree. Fuck off. Fuck off for that. Fuck off for that. It's one of my favorite bands. I like that Jake could instantly name a band and the title of the song.

Yeah, what was that a parody of? My Friends Over You by Newfound Glory off of their Sticks and Stones LP. Oh, wow. Which came out in 2001, I want to say. I was impressed and now I'm concerned. It's all wrong. It's a Blink-182 cover. No, that was indeed a Newfound Glory cover.

Good job, Jake. By Rob August. Shout out that Instagram if you use it. At Rob underscore August. Nice. Good job, Rob. Thanks, Rob. We're in New York City. Good job, Rob. Thanks, Rob. Great rhyme. We're in New York.

True? Yes. In a new location that we've never recorded here before. And we're here with two new guests. New HeadGum podcasters. Laura and Amanda. Rachel. Rachel and Amanda.

Why did you say? Oh, there is an Amanda that's involved in the podcast. Amanda is our producer. We'll just call you the Girls on Porn from now on. Great. Yeah, Girls on Porn is the name you have to memorize. That's the takeaway from this episode. That's the podcast.

Do you care to introduce the podcast? Tell us about it. Sure. The podcast is very much what it sounds like. It's about porn. It's two girls reviewing porn. So we're both enthusiasts. Aficionados might be a stretch, but we're getting there. And yeah, we love porn. It's two girls reviewing porn. So we're both enthusiasts. Aficionados might be a stretch, but we're getting there. And yeah, we love porn. So we talk about the good and the bad and what turns

us on and what's just terrible. Yeah. Cool. And there are I think this episode of our show is coming out this Monday. Correct. Which means there are now two episodes of Girls on Porn. Correct. Well, there's already two. Yeah, there's two in the feed. We're learning.

Yeah. And I'm Laura, and you're Amir. Yes. And we're in New York. And this is Nick. Nick Rad. Yeah, I know David. So in the feed right now, it is MILF and Parody.

Is that right? That's correct. That's a good head-to-head for first two episodes. Which one right? That's correct. That's a good head-to-head for first two episodes. Which one will get listened to more? That is a good head-to-head. We have guests on Parody, Nick Kocher and Brian McElhaney of Brightanic. That's right. Who I feel like are head gum adjacent, like maybe your audience knows them.

They've definitely been on our show. So if they listen to your podcast, Parody, it'll basically be like hearing me in a mirror. Cool. Yeah, because you guys reviewed a porn about a sketch that Nick and Brian made, but you just did the same episode. Oh, cool. We should have checked for that.

Sorry. But this is an advice show. We try to find as many porn-themed questions as possible. Great. In a porn lightning round, I'm calling it. I'm scared. Just because I want a lot of people to listen to this episode, so I'll title it Porn Lightning Round. Fab. Yeah. In a porn lightning round, I'm calling it. I'm scared. Just because I want a lot of people to listen to this episode,

so I'll title it Porn Lightning Round. Fab. Yeah. That is grabbing. I'm scared, but I'm also titillated. Your guys' podcast art

has nipples on it. Yeah, it sure does. I didn't know that that was possible. We didn't either. We did have some discussion about it. We're like,

is HeadGum going to veto the nipples? But it slid right by. I can hear all of our fans typing in right now to see the nipples. The thing is they're illustrated, which I think you can get away with. Instagram will take down actual nipples. A real nipple, but I don't think.

They haven't taken us down so far, and we've certainly been. Female nipples, we should specify. Yeah, yeah. Male nipples are fine. Totally fine. So we're all on the same page. And you put your taint on Instagram, and they didn't take it down, right? We're still up there.

Because if it's close up enough, you can't actually tell. Yeah. It just looks like something. It looks like the Saharan desert. Are you about to show us your taint? Is that what you're pulling up on your computer all the time? That's after the break. Nick, what's the Wi-Fi?

It's a very high-res image. All right. Here's one called BF Porn Question. This one's a very high-res image. Alright, here's one called BF Porn Question. This one's a pretty popular one. I'm sure you guys have heard it before as well. We're going to give this lady a fake name. So, Rachel, do you have a fake name we can refer to this lady as?

Maybe Amanda? Because obviously she's not here. Sure, let's do Amanda. Amanda, right. So my BF and I have been in a relationship for two years now we're both 23 and things are going well we recently moved in together and as a result we have now uh have one main shared computer how old school right i get home here is 2003 in the den It's a desktop. A compact Presario. I get home from work an hour earlier than him. So yesterday I was fooling around on the computer until he got home,

and after typing something into the address bar, I saw a few visited ex-video links suggested to me. He's so old school that he's also going to a low-res. This email was written in 1999. Yeah, I was going to say, this one right in a decade ago. My BF has a high sex drive and I'm cool with him jacking off. Now, I'm usually totally...

How progressive. I'm usually totally not a snooper, but out of curiosity, I clicked on one of the video links and it's a girl with huge boobs. Oh, no. I thought, heh heh, okay,

I wonder what else he looks at. Not boobs. I opened up the history and I went through the recent porn links and every single video search was related to big boobs, like at least double D big. I'm a skinny girl and I don't really have curves, but my boyfriend said he always prefers small boobs. So now I'm wondering, what do I do?

Do I confront him about this and talk to him or keep quiet and let him have his fantasy? I'm kind of worried that one day he will meet a cute girl with big boobs and fall in love with her or some shit. I know it's common for guys to J-O, and there's a lot of boob-focused porn for literally every porn video he watches. To be big boob is making me think that he has some crazy deep urge to fuck any girls

with big jugs. That's her word. How does she know that the only porn he's watched is big boobs? Because I feel like maybe she just wandered down a recent history rabbit hole. Does she even know how porn searches work? Because maybe that day

he wanted to see some titties. And then he got a million suggested. But he has a diverse palette. Like, if she saw 10 videos and she thinks she's seen the breadth of his porn searches. She's mistaken. A rude awakening is coming. That's the end of the question. But the basic gist is, like, do guys watch the porn for, like, you get yeah what they truly deep deeply want and

desire or is it like completely unrelated to the love he has and should she talk to him was also a question yeah because he also he's he told her specifically that he likes small boobs which is something you would say to somebody if you were dating them and you would tell the person you're dating that you want exactly what they are. You're my dream girl. I don't want anything else. Because it's mean to say, actually, my dream girl is the opposite. But you're awesome, too. But for right now, you're fine for the next two to three years.

And then I'm going to meet a tickled, bittied girl. And I'm leaving you. Love the one you're with. Have you ever searched small boob porn? That must be a subset. Oh, that's definitely a thing. I know a lot of guys that are like, Yeah, small tits is actually,

we should do that. We should do that search term because that weirdly like pops up for me a lot as like tags. Small tits porn. Who do you like? Small tits. You don't know what I like.

A tag that I saw. If we haven't talked about it. I saw recently a tag that says medium ass. Medium ass. Medium ass. Just medium. Like,

then don't tag it, right? I'll just assume it's medium unless you specify. Normal ass. That person's just tired of being attacked

by the big old booty trend. I guess, in your experience, have you, would you be jealous of a boy who's seeing porn

searching specifically for girls that don't look like you? I mean, it's a good question about, like, if they specifically don't look like me, but I certainly would talk to the boyfriend about the porn. Like, I think that's a good

conversation to have. Like, hey, you watch porn. Maybe we can watch together. I don't know if she's open to that, but, like, that's the world I want to live in, where if someone is watching porn, it can be something they feel comfortable sharing with me. But I get that it's a little threatening to be like, oh, that's different than I am. But I think, I think pretty classically, like a lot of people have specific fetishes they don't necessarily want in their real life, especially in the porn world. Because sometimes

if you do watch a lot of porn, you can get latched onto something like more extreme than you would actually want to deal with. You know, like there are women that like gang bangs or have like rape fantasies but don't want to actually live it out don't feel ready to do that in real life yeah i feel like there's a big difference in like what you want to watch versus like what you actually want to do you know right there are things that i enjoy watching that not necessarily i enjoy doing yeah preach yeah i watch way too much stepsister sex right yeah like Yeah. Like I don't think anyone's actually like going out there to like

fuck their stepsister but step thing the step stuff is huge. Yeah. Yeah. The porn is definitely ruining like the non-nuclear families

forever. What's the male equivalent of this like a girl looking for what? Big old dick. Or huge balls. Big balls.

Yeah. Because I feel like big dick is more It's more hidden it's well it's that's almost more like um looking at like a specific type of vagina because those are like the actual you're trying to correlate the genitalia actually the uselessness what would what would a girl have to search for you to be like, oh, you obviously want someone that's the opposite of me? I guess it would maybe be more something that was like I was insecure about. So like if somebody was searching like super flat eight pack abs, I would be like, all right, I'm going to do crunches.

But not talk about it. I'm not going to bring this up. I'm just going to surprise you. Maybe not talk about it. I'm going to the gym right now. I'm not going to bring this up. I'm just going to surprise you. Maybe she should just get a boob job. Oh, that's actually a really good bit of advice. Surprise. Don't change your man. Yeah, change for his pornsters.

Abort. This is terrible. That's a really good idea, Rachel. No, now she wants to be Amanda. Really? Fuck. Yeah, so I would say in general, don't worry about it. He's probably not completely obsessed with girls with big boobs,

and he doesn't like you. Don't take it so personally. He could be watching way worse stuff than big boob porn, so maybe be grateful. Also, I think this is a good opportunity for her to start talking about porn with her boyfriend. Do you think that makes for a healthier relationship, talking about porn openly with your significant other? Well, I think if it's something that you're uncomfortable with, you know?

Like, if you're uncomfortable with— I think it makes— I'm just talking from my own experience. Right. I'm wildly uncomfortable with sharing my porn habits with anybody. Oh, sure. I would— Except for you two.

Yeah. Say more. All right. I can do it in a room with a microphone. Yeah, that's cool. But not in private with only one person here. Yeah, with my one soulmate, I really would hate for her to see my Pornhub tab.

I do think talking about porn makes for healthier relationships because I think if you're inclined towards jealousy, the way to deal with it is to process it and talk it out. And I think you can have boundaries and say, I don't necessarily want to tell you exactly what I watch because it makes me uncomfortable, but to just have some dialogue about it, you know? Yeah.

Because again, what you watch is not necessarily what you want in real life or what you want to do in real life. Yeah, it does like, it's confusing what you want in real life or what you want to do in real life. Yeah, it does like, it's confusing what you like actual sex and what you like porn. But they're like, they're totally different. Would you say that what you search on your porn tab is different than what you do in real life? Like, are you not wanting to share that with your partner

because it's drastically different or because it's even like extreme or scary? It's definitely not extreme or scary, but it's, I don because it's even like it's not like drastically scary it's definitely not extreme or scary but it's i don't know what i don't know what it is i guess i like it's always been so private to watch porn yeah yeah that it's weird to be like all right most intimate partner come check me out as i do this thing yeah if you can like fart and shit in front of your most intimate partner like why can't you talk about you can like fart and shit in front of your most intimate partner, like why can't you talk about your porn? Do you fart and shit in front of your most intimate partner? I don't shit in front of her.

And I resent the accusation. I'm so sorry. But that's just because that's the kind of porn I watch. I'll watch it on the toilet. Blumpkin art. Jesus Christ. What? I can say that word. Let's answer the next question

Alright Here's one called Grandpa problem Which is sort of Is porn related? Yeah porn related Sort of related It's gonna go a lot of ways

It's related to the Fled I took here In which a grandpa Shit himself And we had to Stay on the tarmac For two hours While they cleaned

The shit off of his chair I like that I clicked My teeth as you were Saying that Yeah Grandpa problem Do you have A fake guy's name? while they clean the shit off of his chair. I like that I clicked my teeth as you were saying that. Yeah. Grandpa problem. Do you have a fake guy's name, Laura?

Darren. That's good. Darren is a good male porn star name. Darren. So is Derek, Brian, James, Dean. I'm just saying, now you're just naming guys' names. I'm just naming porn stars' first names. James Dean is a first and last name

of a porn star. Exactly. Yeah, I added the Dean so that, you know. Context. I'm just putting, I'm building credibility for myself.

I watch porn. I watch a lot of porn. I can name one porn star. James Dean, part of him. Sexual assaulter. No big deal. Whoa.

Oh, sorry. Do the question. Darren writes, hey guys, long time listener. First time emailing in. Love the show and the videos. Anyway, my problem is pretty simple. My grandpa likes porn too much.

Everyone in my family knows this after many times accidentally finding the pornography on the computer, but now grandpa is getting bolder. He has started watching porn in his office with the door wide open. No one in my family is doing anything about this, and I don't know what to do. I'm 21 years old.

Thanks. Love, Darren. Oh, Darren. That's tough, Darren. That is tough. I really want to know what kind of porn he's watching. I want to know what kind of porn he's watching. He's watching the old guy porn.

Mature. There's mature, and there also like mature with young girl. Yeah. Is mature grandpa aged or is it like 40-year-olds? I think it's like 40 to 50 and above. Yeah. 50 and above porn. You have to like get specific.

There is granny and there is granny porn. Once you're over 25, you're MILF porn. Right up until you're 50 and you're mature. So like Brandy Love, she's still MILF. She's not mature. But Nina Hartley, she's mature. She's past MILF. Jake's angling to host your show instead of...

I know. We do an episode on Brandy Love. Really? She's in the MILF episode that's out. Features Brandy Love. No way. I thought you maybe listened. I was like, listen, check him out.

Brandy Love's still got it. She's like number eight on Pornhub. She thought you maybe listened. I was like, listen, check him out. Brandy Love still got it. She's like number eight on Pornhub's like, she's very high ranking. Wow. Yeah. Is that a public ranking search

that you can do? Like, you know who's number one, two, three every day? It's like the Amazon bestseller. it's like IMDB. She's number,

star rating, star meter. Eight on Pornhub? Eight, yeah. Under MILF or eight generally? General. Who's number one?

Let me imagine. I think. Mia Malkova? Riley Reid maybe is like number one. Yeah. Who's Mia Malkova? I heard you guys talk about Mia Khalifa. Oh yeah, Mia Khalifa.

Who is also a Lebanese sports commentator. I think she's retired. You just want to know when I say that. She's retired from porn. So that's, yeah. So now what she's known for is her sports commentating. In Lebanon or she's just Lebanese? She's from Lebanon.

Before she was a Lebanese porn star. She's a Lebanese sports fan. Whatever she does, she's a Lebanese something. Got it. How do we tell grandpa not to watch porn in public? Oh, right. I'm curious about this because I want to know if grandpa's also masturbating. Oh, God, I hope not.

Because if he's just With the door wide open? Yeah, if he's got the door wide open he's watching porn. Like, you know, maybe just be like, hey Gramps, I would turn the sound off.

It's a hard mix because old people and technology already don't get along. Well, that's how I would do it. I'd be like, can I teach you about computers? Yeah.

Search history and volume and doors. That's a very good point. You really don't get any technology. Doors have been around since I think forever. Debatable. Start with doors.

I don't know about that. Grandpa doesn't have enough. We didn't have doors when I was growing up. He doesn't have a lot of time left on this earth. I feel like you don't want to just let him go out in the blaze of glory. Really, yeah. Grandpa's 58. Grandpa's mature but not... That's a porn-age grandpa.

Great-grandpa's also watching porn. But he at least keeps the door closed. Why don't we just, for Christmas, give Grandpa a laptop or an iPad. A pair of headphones. And a pair of headphones. Just covered in smut. Pre-loaded. So he doesn't have to deal with the internet. Yeah, he doesn't have to go search and re-download everything. Just like an iPad with A pair of headphones. And a pair of headphones. Just covered in smut. Preloaded. So he doesn't have to deal with the internet. Yeah, he doesn't have to go search,

re-download everything. He has like a ton of stuff. Find out what he likes. That's actually a really sweet gift. I feel like grandpas do stuff all the time that they don't really think about that you just have to help them with. Like my grandpa used to just like

have a big piece of food on his face or something or like be drooling. And you wouldn't be like, Grandpa, you have spit on your face you old idiot. You would just be like talking to him and then just like grab a paper towel and wipe it off his face. He doesn't miss a beat.

He understands. That's why I'm saying to frame it as a let me show you a computer's conversation. I wouldn't even, but I would just like, just shut the door really, really lightly. Just like eyes averted, come to yourself and then shut the door And let him go to town And then he grabs your wrist before it shuts

Where do you think you're going you little twerp Grandpa please Darren why don't you sit on my lap Oh my god What I'm old I'm 58 I've given up on dignity

That's not that old grandpa I'm 58 You know a normal age So my suggestion Is to buy them Their own bit of technology They shouldn't be using a family computer Yours is the more expensive option

Mine was just like 23 So all the way from teaching them how to Door works to getting him an iPad Or telling him how to door works to getting him an iPad. Or telling him how to turn the sound off. Yeah. It's a really expensive solution. That's what I'm saying.

While you're teaming it up with a family. A computer. Yeah, everybody chips in a little bit. Deeper your pockets, Amir. I know. I'll fucking buy it right now. You think I'd give a shit? How much could it be? 30 bucks?

What's your Venmo, fucker? $40? How much does a laptop go for these days? $12? I flew here on a shitmobile. You think I care about an iPad? You shit in first class. That was you.

I shit on first class. That was my way of sort of saying, fuck you to the elite. And you guys are susceptible to diarrhea just as much as I am. You shook a turd out of your leg on your way out of your boarding plane. That's right.

All the money in the world can't buy you. That happened to me once in elementary school, the shit down the sweatpants and just feeling it go down your leg. You had a poop pants incident? I had a poopy pants incident. You still remember the shit running down your leg? Yeah, it's just a very visceral log going down.

That's formative, bud. That's a big... It. That's formative. Yeah. That's a big... It's funny that you guys even bring it up. You brought it up. I want to talk about it in a weird way. Not in a weird way, in a really direct way.

It was 10th grade. I feel like you made up the plane shitting story so you could talk about this. And I was wearing sweatshorts. Oh, that's even worse. So it went down your bare leg. Yeah, bare leg. Was it diarrhea or was it just like a turd? It was both.

So it started as a turd. And then that sort of opened the floodgates, as it were. Did you have a stomachache? Were you like, were you ill? No, I didn't have a stomachache. Was this really intense, Greg? I was starving for attention. I'm mostly concerned that you were wearing sweat shorts.

Why aren't we talking about this? It was cool. Your fashion choices were poor. I was fashion forward. This was 1998. And you paid for it. I didn't know better. All right, next question.

One last one before we have to go to a break. This one is worried about his Zimbabwean roommate. Rachel, we need another guy's fake name. Eric. Is that his name? From Darren to Eric. Eric writes. Eric Darren is a cool From Darren to Eric. Eric writes, Eric Darren is a cool male porn star name.

Thanks, man. I'm living off campus apartment with two other people, one of my friends and a random kid from Zimbabwe we found on Craigslist. I'm in control of the Comcast internet account. I recently checked my email that said we had a notice of claim copyright infringement. When I opened it, they all turned out to be for porn videos someone in my house is pirating a healthy

amount of porn and i think i know who it is i'm pretty sure that these are the zimbabwean guys doing for one i don't download any porn and the titles of the names of the videos uh these aren't titles and the titles aren't names of the videos i watched also i don't suspect my friend because she has a girlfriend is pretty anti-porn and the porn titles all seem to be geared towards a straight male audience so my question is what do i do about this i don't want to get sued or prosecuted because my name is on the account but the zimbabwean guy is only staying here for another month do i ignore him do i confront him help me jake and amir you're my only hope and laura and rachel your only hope uh do you confront

a friend who's pirating porn and your name is can you get in trouble for this pirating porn this is another like can i explain the internet yeah do you not know what pornhub is part of our show is about encouraging you to pay money for a subscription, and here are some places you can go to for better ethical porn. But you can get porn for free without, like, tipping off Time Warner or whoever's track Comcast is tracking your pirating. I actually pirate a lot of porn. You pirate porn?

Yeah, I download, because I need the full HD. You want the full movie? I need the 60-40. 1080p is not enough. It's not even close. Actually a search term. Like people search by resolution. Same with 60 frames per second.

Yes. That's one too. If I can't watch it like on a movie theater, then what's the GD point? You make your popcorn. That's right. And you pull up your projector and you watch a porn. How else do people do it? I don't know. Wait, what do you guys

suggest? Paying? Subscribing? And doing it? What were you saying? Ethically? We generally suggest. Which is what? Like there are websites that are feminist and are ethical websites where you know that the porn performers are being compensated and that they have agency and that it's not just straight up

sex trafficking. Locally sourced organic porn. Locally sourced grass fed. What's a good example of that? Cage free porn. Cage free porn. Not too far from the truth. Some people do. But if they're in a cage, they're consenting and it is their fetish and their preference.

So what's an example of cage-free porn? Like Erica Lust is one of our favorite. Trenchcoat X is one we go to that's pretty mainstream vibes. Started by a porn star. Stoya. Stoya and... Caden Cross. Caden Cross.

I want to say Carly. Thank you. Have you heard of any of these, Jacob? The porn stars I've heard of. The ethical porn? No, I'm watching torture. I want the smut. I'm on motherless.com

watching a hamster get crushed by a woman in a heel. No wonder you don't want to talk to your partner about this. My porn is so tame. It's really just the amount. It's really, that's all it is. It's the sheer volume. It's the volume of the porn. How big are your terabyte hard drives? It's really just the amount. It's really, that's all it is. It's the sheer volume.

It's the volume of the porn. How big are your terabytes? It's very, very bland. How many in a gigaflop? Because I have two of those in an attic somewhere. Wait,

I think I've heard, like, I think I've heard of some of these. What was the, Trenchcoat? Trenchcoat X is a platform where they self-produce

and then also feature other porn filmmakers. Also, Pink Label.TV X is a platform where they self-produce and then also feature other porn filmmakers. Also, PinkLabel.TV is like a platform that has different porn filmmakers featured. You can also go to Feminist Porn Awards, and they tell you basically anyone who's ever been nominated, like director of studios. You can also go to GirlsOnPorn.com and look at our website. There you go. That's the plug. That's why we're here. Thanks for the tee-up. There you go. There you go. You like that? That's why we're here.

Thanks for the tee up. Just took us 20 minutes to get there. Sweet. Do you approach the Zimbabwean roommate or do you just let it go? I've never heard of people getting in trouble for pirating. Yeah. If he's moving out in a month, it's kind of your call and what the relationship is with the dude.

I'm more concerned about the fact that he just assumes it's the Zimbabweans. Thank you. That's where I was going. Confront yourself about your bias. Yeah, the anti-porn female roommate. Yeah, who has a girlfriend. Who has a girlfriend. It smells of a red herring.

I mean, she's trying to throw you off the scent. She's clearly the suspect. I also have never heard of this. Hiding in plain sight. Comcast doesn't send you a fucking letter of like the names of the porn videos that you watch. You're sweating. Right?

I mean, they couldn't possibly because Jules' father's on the account. I have to make a phone call. Mr. Vogel, sir. I've heard of this. I assure you it's your daughter. We have a Zimbabwean border. He's a Somali pirate

I have heard of something like this where so I stayed at this house that a woman I used to work for like let me use sometimes and she's rich and also works in HR so I think she had like tabs on her activity in a way that I would never have tabs on my activity. Like very high power HR person. So I think her internet like came through her employer. And she texted me when I was there like one weekend with friends. And someone had like pirated, you know, like Gangs of New York or something. Like it wasn't porn.

It was just a regular movie. I genuinely don't remember what the movie was. I just thought of the first movie. I was talking about gangbangs. In ten years, I wouldn't have thought of Gangs of New York. I think it's because I just talked about gangbangs. And I was just going, don't say gangbangs. Don't say gangbangs.

My father the hero. So yeah, it like tipped us off that somebody had used like a pirate pirating website of some kind. And I think they did know the title, but it wasn't porn in that case. Yeah, maybe you can know. Because I also remember one time at work, the internet was going slow.

And like one of our coders like called out the person who was torrenting something. They like couldn't see who it was. Oh, really? So like, yeah, that made me a little bit. It like shook me to my core just a bit. How about the, if I were you, what would you do if this was you in your situation? Would you say anything or not?

If he's moving out, I'd probably leave it. Leave it be. If he was like a pal and I just genuinely wanted to introduce him to porn on the internet in a more easy, accessible way, no, I'd probably just let it go. It can't hurt to have a conversation if you think you can talk to that person about their porn life. I'd avoid the hell out of the confrontation.

If I were you, I would talk to the female roommate. I'd be like, hey, just so you know, there's some good porn websites out there. Sorry, what did you say to me? We're at dinner and you're telling me there's a good porn website out there? I, what did you say to me? We're at dinner and you're telling me there's a good porn website out there? I have a boyfriend.

I thought she had a girlfriend. She had a girlfriend. Whatever, man. I'm barely reading these messages. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah, you can keep it general. Be like, hey, have you been pirating videos? I've been noticing Comcast is getting mad at me for pirating content.

You could just hold a roommate meeting and be like, I don't know who it was. That's smart. But this is Pornhub. Group text with all of the roommates. Be like, we got a letter from Comcast saying we're pirating stuff. Oh, group text. That's very passive. Very passive.

I like that. I was going to say like passive aggressive. You could like leave the letter on his bed. Oh, that's good. But that's passive aggressive. With a porn DVD. Passive submissive. Yeah. Oh, that's good. But that's passive-aggressive. With a porn DVD. Passive-submissive. Yeah, let's go aggressive-aggressive.

And you grab the Zimbabwean by the throat. Jesus Christ. Demanding an explanation. The second question, you said somebody should grab someone, right? Yeah, it's very violent. Grandpa and roommate just grabbing people. I had a weird night last night.

I was accosted at sleep no more. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back and thank some sponsors. We'll thank sponsors. Come back and answer more questions with Rachel and Laura. Who's Amanda? Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

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segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Hey, Laura. Hi. Or Rachel,

do you guys have any? Oh, it's a lesson. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. That was actually in the theme of the episode. It was.

That's true. That was me saying, Mom, I'm coming. Do you remember why? No. Was it part of the bit where you were also coming because of your grandfather? It's like watching grandma and grandpa have sex. And you said you were, you were so turned on that you were going to jizz in your cornflakes.

Or was that a different episode? I feel like we're getting off track. I really resent the little jabs that you're throwing. Do you guys have any unsolicited advice? I got one. Okay. I just did this and I really enjoyed it. I went and used the single-use bathroom here. Oh.

And that was for a man. So you do this at bars, restaurants as well? Yeah. If it's single-use and there's a boy. If there's a boy, yeah, go in there. It shouldn't be gendered. We're throwing away those gender binaries anyway. Exactly.

The bonus is I don't have to wait in line. Is that right? You eject the toilets? You upper deck them? Oh, upper deck. You take a dump in the septic tank? Yeah, for sure. And then I tag it with my Sharpie.

Can I take advantage of this? Or is this only a lady using a guy's restroom thing? It's our privilege. That's a big question. Yeah, I think it's mostly for me. Because if I came out of a woman's room and I was like, sorry, ladies, I feel like people would not be happy. You know, I actually, I have a quick story about this. You're great.

Okay. Thank you so much for coming on the pod. Stand by. This happened to me at a restaurant. I was waiting outside the men's room and a server came by and she was like, oh, you could just use that one yeah and i and i was like okay and i went in and i came out there was a lady and she was like that's the women's room i was like someone told me i could she made me do it a waiter younger than me told me i can use it but then it was even worse she turned to her friend and she was like be careful wait. Wait, what? Like what? About me.

That I was some sort of predator hanging out in the women's room. They were going to catch your cue. And I was so offended. I was like, I was waiting. I wasn't listening. They're going to catch your mail. You did come out with a little Ziploc baggie and you looked caught. And a drill.

She said I could. I was just installing a glory hole. Are you guys going to talk about glory holes on the pod? Oh, for sure. It's crazy how many different porn things there are. I'm so excited for this podcast. You know what's even crazier is how comfortable people feel just

telling us their thing that we've learned. Hey, can I send you some porn? I've got a pretty good one. Wow. Yeah, which is actually helpful because we have to make our way through a lot of porn to find good worthwhile stuff.

Jake would be a great guest. Thanks, dude. I think you guys should both come on. I think you guys should both come on. Should we talk about this? We're not rolling? Or is it weird? Can we ask you?

Do you want to be on our show? And Amir would be a terrible guest, so we should come on together and we'll do like a pretty good show it'll level out yeah pretty good the way he watches porn is he just goes to redtube.com clicks on the first video masturbates in 60 seconds and is done so you've talked about so you've heard of my movie, Gone in 60 Seconds. Now I'm doing it. 60 seconds, exactly. Okay, so your unsolicited advice is pee and shit wherever you want. Single occupancy.

Yes. Not everywhere you want. But help yourself to a single use bathroom. Yeah, there shouldn't be genders on them anyways. Yeah, if it's single use, it really. It really shouldn't. It should be gendered. It. If it's single use, it really... It really shouldn't. It should be gendered. Then it's not even part of the weird gender bathroom debate thing.

That's just like taking a toilet off limits for half the population. Right. That's odd. Unfair. Okay, cool. I'm on board. Laura, do you have anything? If you tip a bartender well at a place you go to regularly,

they might remember you and give you free things that's some solid i don't know actually what do you consider tipping well more than 20 for sure a bartender but like let's say it cost eight dollars you're given 10 total correct yeah what if it's nine dollars are you you giving $11? Mm-hmm. I actually usually, I've done away with the dollar a drink tip rule after having bartended for many years. Me too. Partially because of that rule, people will get a $15 Manhattan and throw you a dollar and you're like, fuck off.

So I'm one of the people balancing out for the shit. What if it's like, what if you buy six beers? Six beers. And you want one dollar. Like one dollar. Jackpot. Would you still say 20% if you're buying like six beers and it dollar like one dollar do you like would you say would you still say 20 if you're buying like six beers and it's just like bottles and cans i feel like i tip based on

sometimes effort a little bit i do sometimes think it through and if somebody like is just grabbing six cans of beer for me i might just throw them six bucks but you know a lot of times i'm like running a tab or whatever and if i close at a tab i'm doing 20 but if you go to a bar and you have a spot where like you're chatty with a bartender and they sort of know you and you continually like tip well they will remember you and they will start to get you free drinks if they have it definitely all evens out if you are a regular yeah as a bartender i can concur to that like they if you, if you, somebody is tipping you more, you give them more attention and then you, yeah.

What other, what other perks are you getting for this tip situation? I really mean, I get the results. I give out free drinks. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

Because that doesn't cost you anything. No, it costs the company something. Right. Yeah. That's just the bartender. Don't fire me guys. Please don't fire me.

I really love my job. Different bars and restaurants Have different policies About how much free booze You're allowed to give out Yeah And different bartenders Have different policies About how much

They actually give out They give a shit About the bar Exactly Bartenders have like A lot of leeway To give out free drinks Because like creating regulars

Is really valuable For the business To the company It's not like you're just Giving out your free drinks To your friends And then you'll never See those people again.

Right. Yeah. Like my bar is very like we are here to make regulars and it's part of the vibe. Cheers. And it's a great way to like Yeah, it is.

Buy back, you know, some good faith if something goes wrong. If your meal takes a while you can be like, here, this one's on the house. Right. I've been coming to your bar

a little bit and I tip really, really poorly. I was wondering if people remember. Oh yeah, you're Jake the Snake, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said, I barely ordered six beers. Why do I owe you anything?

I'll skip out on the bill. I'll ask around. I'll clear a name for you. Don't worry. Sweet. Thank you. All right, let's try to answer some more porn-themed questions. This one's from a 14-year-old.

Uh-oh. Yeah, from Canada. You have a 14-year-old Canadian Uh-oh. Yeah, from Canada. You have a 14-year-old Canadian boy's name. Laura. A 14... Timothy. That's good. Timothy is good.

For about two years, I've been watching porn. I'm 14 years old. I watch it almost every day, and I think I'm addicted. Lately, I've been watching some weird stuff like anime and cosplay. Is this normal? I usually feel depressed after, and I try not to watch it, but I still do. Any idea about what I should do? By the way,

I love the podcast. I think we can all agree that this is disgusting vile behavior. Next question. Timothy. Shame on you, Timothy. Your dick will fall off, Timothy. God Christ. Every time you masturbate. Starting at 12. That seems young. I didn't start at 12. Didate Starting at 12 That seems young

I didn't start at 12 Did you start at 12? The porn watching? It's a different generation though y'all Cause like we didn't have access To porn the way they do Now Magazines

Like you had to like wait for like A picture of tits to load Let alone The Spice Channel Yeah Scramble porn And I was looking at Playboy So I knew I liked naked women But I didn't know there wasorn and I was looking at Playboy so I knew I liked

Naked Women but I didn't know there was anything that I was supposed to do to my body about it sure I feel like

when you were watching porn it's like oh like I'm watching sex acts I sort of get it yeah I'll create friction on my own thing

I'll do a sex act to myself right you just wait and see mother what happens now that was the lead into Mom I'm Coming wasn't it yeah back to myself. Right. You just wait and see. Mother. What happens now? That was the lead-in to Mom, I'm Coming,

wasn't it? And then there's the idea of porn addiction, which is kind of a weird thing because, like, everybody likes porn, but how can you tell if you're addicted to it?

Do you guys talk about that? We talked about it a little in the parody episode. Yeah. Brian brought it up. Yeah. Brian and Nick apparently got on an app. I forget what it's called,

but it sounds very Christian and very sex negative. Or it's like, good buddies, don't be touching themselves. That's not what it's called, but it might as well be. How many days you go without watching porn or masturbating? That's a really popular subreddit too, like NoFap or something. Oh, yeah, like no fap November or something. Yeah. Where like you won't masturbate. And like a lot of guys talk about like how they become super clear headed. It's like Bradley Cooper in Limitless all of a sudden. I learned Japanese.

To be fair, you are Japanese. I feel like you do it already. I guess it's an interesting idea. I feel like everything I've ever heard about addiction is like, are you using it as a coping mechanism? Are you like sacrificing time with friends and family to do this thing? Did you blow off Thanksgiving dinner to masturbate to hentai? Maybe we should have a conversation about it. Maybe you have an addiction. I can't speak with much science yet. I think we're going to get further into this in the podcast at some point. I certainly think there's like the possibility of addiction to porn, the way there's possibility of addiction to weed or like various activities

that may or may not be chemically addictive. I think there is also like a reaction your brain has to that, like endorphin and like dopamine. And I think that's what he a reaction your brain has to that, like endorphin and like dopamine. And I think that's what he's like feeling like depressed afterwards. Yeah. He's getting addicted to that feeling of like the dopamine. Yeah.

And then he feels bad. Oh. Timothy, honey, you're fine. You're going to be fine. You're an adolescent boy. You're normal.

Coast play, that stuff. Totally fine. Totally. Don't worry about it. It's a people's thing. Normal to experiment. I think the like, I'm Totally. Don't worry about it. Plenty of people's thing. Normal to experiment. I think that like I'm addicted and I'm depressive about it. Like if you're concerned about it, maybe like slow it up.

Yeah. Take a couple days off. Sometimes not watching porn for a while and then going back to it is actually fun. It's very exciting. Yeah. But yeah, I don't think he should actually be worried. He sounds like literally every middle school boy I ever. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. So he's just 14 and you know hormones are running wild Right now Once a day If you want to feel better You could just look at all of the different Really fucked up porns that you're not into Right

And then be like Oh Could be worse I don't like cartoons That's pretty fine And I am 14 Yeah You're going to like some of that fucked up shit too

Yeah When you're 14 You've been doing something for two years It's basically like 15% of your life It feels like forever Yeah You're gonna like Some of that fucked up shit too Yeah When you're 14 You've been doing something For two years It's basically like 15% of your life It feels like forever Yeah

You're fine Alright Here's a question from a lady Okay Love a lady Love a lady Back to Rachel Do you have a lady's name?

23 year old Lisa That's perfect Every 23 year old Is named Lisa Yeah Every age You should have a different name.

No. You guys are being so polite. The Amir. At age 21, I wasn't Amir, obviously. What were you at 21? I was an Anthony type. Oh. Yeah.

Were you? No, I'm too Jewish. I need to be more Jewish. Did you have a popped collar? Sam. Sam. David's good. I was David in college.

Is Doug Jewish? Doug could be Jewish. All right. I know a Jewish Doug. There's good. Doug's not very Jewish, is he? Is Doug Jewish? Doug could be Jewish. All right. I know a Jewish Doug. There we go. Just one. Doug's dad is not Jewish, but Doug's mom is Jewish.

Yeah. They celebrated both. He gets too many presents. Fuck Doug. Fuck him. You can't eat matzah on Easter, Doug. Anyway,

this lady, Lisa writes, first of all, this lady, Lisa, writes, First of all, I love you guys. You've helped me through some pretty rough times. I finally have a question worthy of the podcast. I'm 23 years old and a straight woman, but I've only been in a relationship with one guy in my life. I love him, but never enjoyed sex that much.

I also watch a lot of lesbian porn. I mean, three to five times a week. I've never actually been with a woman. I made out with friends, but otherwise nah. So I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should be with a woman instead. What do I do to find out whether or not I'm gay?

I want to experiment. Should I try Tinder and look for a woman? Should I ask one of my many queer friends to lend a hand or finger? She said that's not me. I live in Boulder, so there are plenty of gay women around. Boulder.

Do you know this girl? Sometimes I think about women when I'm having sex with a guy. What should I do? Help. P.S. Jake, if it turns out I'm gay, I'd still totally be down for a threesome with you. Still.

Wow. Did you broach the subject? I totally did not. Have did you broach the subject when did this email come in hey jake i'll call you back and i'd still be totally down for a threesome don't worry don't let this color your answer um how do girls watch gay porn straight girls watch gay porn? Straight girls watch gay porn? Straight girls watch gay porn. Yes. Lesbian porn. I think a lot of times the desire there, at least for me, this is true, and for women I've talked to, it's sometimes about being like, well, I know I'm not going to have to deal with some crazy, awful guy. Yeah.

Sometimes the guys in porn are fine. Sometimes you're like, whoa, who's this? Male porn stars definitely, there's a low bar for them. Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah. And it's, there's so many porn, like female porn stars and just like whatever mope they could find. Yeah.

Whatever dick attached to a body was available that day. I rarely see a guy watching two guys. I'm like, this is better for me. Yeah. Well, because most like, you know, porn is centered on like male satisfaction anyways. I because most like you know the other thing porn is centered on like male satisfaction anyways and that's why i think a lot of women watch lesbian porn is because they're watching like female satisfaction you know what i mean yeah it's like the main event right it's not like just centered around a cum shot which is like most porn is right yeah so

sometimes it's not a cum shot sometimes it's's a cream pie. And I resent that. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're 100% correct. We're listening at home. Jake is pushing Rachel. Grabbing her wrist. Closing the door.

Jesus Christ. What do we do? What do we do? You're going to have to talk to your partner about this episode. Potential lesbian. That's sort of a bigger question. Yeah, I do think that Lisa should figure that out.

Is she in a relationship with a man right now, though? Yes. Because she should also probably talk to him and be like, I have this going on. Right. Rather than just go out and cheat on him with some friend of hers in Boulder. Yeah, this guy will have to hide his unbridled joy yeah he's fucking stoked yeah really baby yeah do you want me there for like yeah how can i help concerned about the fact that she doesn't enjoy sex with her partner.

Yeah, that's the conversation they need to have first. And that makes me think that she needs to figure out what she likes, you know? Yeah, what is she getting out of the lesbian porn that her partner is not providing? Exactly. So I think she needs to have a conversation. Sorry, Elise. But you've got to sit this guy down. Either way, she has to have a conversation with her partner about her pleasure and possibly, possibly?

Possibly. Possibility. Yeah. Her interest in women. Right. So there's some pros and some cons there for him. You're not pleasing me, but. I think I have something that cuts.

And you're going to like it. You could maybe watch. I don to like. You could maybe watch. I don't know. You could be there. Um, all right. We have one last question from another lady. Okay.

Uh, Laura's turn, right? Yes. Let's, let's give this 24 woman, a 24 year old from Iowa. Pick a good one.

Karen. I like that. That was good. I feel like your name should change with your age, you know, like a 23 year old. I feel like someone just mentioned this. I think That was good. I feel like your name should change with your age, you know? Like a 23-year-old's or Lisa. I feel like someone just mentioned this. I think it was me.

I'm being grandmas-gay. Who's Doug? Who's Doug? That was me two minutes ago. I'm a 24-year-old from Iowa. Pretty sure you've never answered an Iowan's question, so this would be a first. All right, I don't know where she gets that accusation.

Anyways, my boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and it's all right, I don't know where she gets that accusation. Anyways, my boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and it's all right, I guess. He doesn't and won't jack off ever. He says it makes him feel gross and disgusting. That being said, I'm his only sexual release. This is my problem. He has turned sex into a chore for me that he wants it every day, multiple times a day.

Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but I don't get a chance to miss it or crave it because it's all he wants. I barely get aroused now, so I've been having to sneak off to watch porn before I do it to get halfway in the mood. What the fuck do I do about this? I've brought it up to him before,

but he casual, before casually, but he hasn't changed. Should I break up with him? Or like, what would you do if your girlfriend wanted too much sex? Thanks guys. Call me Winnie.

Love. Oh, Karen. But wait, she said Winnie. Yeah, she suggested Winnie, but we vetoed that. Like Winnie Call me Winnie Yeah Karen Winnie She suggested Winnie But we vetoed that

Like Winnie from Oh no Wonder Years Wonder Years Right Yeah Or from Winnie the Pooh Uh huh

That's right Two famous Winnies Two famous Winnies Those are the only ones Yeah Call me Winnie Why though We'll get into that

Another day Okay Karen Karen That is That's kind of a sad that is that's a kind of a sad situation it is kind of a sad situation it's you can't just be having sex with your partners making you multiple times a day yeah you're not into it sounds problematic you watch the porn to get into it right yeah jerk off he won't jerk he feels shameful about masturbating i mean yeah he says it's disgusting yeah yeah but he will fuck her multiple times a day. There's a whole world that he's missing out on.

Yeah, also, he has some shit to address. Yeah, it sounds like he's got a big... A lot of the partners here are not coming correct in their relationships. He's definitely got some weird sexual shame and guilt that he needs to figure out. Is it like a religious thing? Midwest plus shameful. But they're having premarital sex.

I bet it's something like he felt gross about it. I mean, like, society kind of makes us feel bad about it when we're young, you know? Masturbation. It's just crazy

that he's carried that into his 20s. Like, we're not a very sex-positive culture that started to get there. You do have to, you hide your porn for sure. Yeah, I think there's something there. I think have to, you hide your porn for sure. Yeah.

I think there's something there. I think there's like a religious background or maybe just like a specific way that he was raised that was very sex negative. trying to deal with

with Girls on Porn, you know. That's pretty cool. Girls on Porn, is that a new Headcumbe podcast? It is. Search, subscribe. That's amazing.

Rate us five stars. You're probably accidentally subscribed because you searched Girls on Porn in iTunes and now you can actually listen to it now there's something there whoa four million listens hope so we'll take them however we can get them even if they're accidental uh you rarely hear

about parents teaching their kids about porn well that's what i'm saying is like i don't think i don't mean that he was talking about porn but that he has some sexual shame associated with like shame in general or like privacy in their family or like a specific way

that the family were like, that's bad. Like, did mom or dad discover him masturbating and shame him and now he's like kind of traumatized about that.

This all runs into a large conversation I would say. Don't just bring it up casually. It's something that's happening in this relationship. And I, yeah, I don't. Don't just bring it up casually. It definitely should happen in this relationship. And I don't even know if making him jerk off is a solution.

Maybe it is. I have a creative idea in that you could work masturbation into the sex. Oh. Because, I mean, mutual masturbation is a thing. You could pleasure yourself while he's watching and pleasuring himself and create a bridge to him feeling more comfortable with it in general. The mutual masturbation starts from you two masturbating across the bed from each other. Then you're across the room and then you're out watching TV.

Then you close the door. Close the door, Grandpa. You move. And all of a sudden mutual masturbation is happening by himself. Yeah. And that's nice. You're like training a dog. Give him a little treat after.

Separation anxiety. Give him a treat every time you leave. A disc, a little pepperoni disc. Here you go. Great job. That's actually really good advice. And one that we wouldn't have given without your two inputs. What are our names, Amir?

Laura and Rachel. N not Amanda. But maybe next year, because you're going to have to change as you age. Next year, I'll take Amanda. We'll pass them around. Sort of like mixed doubles. Sweet. And I'll be finally Doug. A Jewish

boy with a heart of gold who didn't shit himself at age 15 I didn't actually shit myself at age 15 Yeah how old were you when you actually shit yourself? I was in first grade So that did happen Yes I did shit myself Wow first grade shit yourself

Yeah and my mom was a teacher at the school So I would always like run I had like diarrhea so I would like run to the bathroom Shit come back Wait this happened all the time? No no like during that day And then like one time i didn't make it all the way to back to the bathroom i was like well i'm in the bathroom now there's shit everywhere and i just waited and waited and i'll sit like after 10 minutes my teacher came in and was like amir are you in

here it's like yes and she's like do you want me to call your mom and i'm like yes funny you should ask yeah i do want you to call my mom That's lucky So you didn't get caught It wasn't public Well Oh not get caught by the kids But the teacher knew Oh the kids didn't see you

Show yourself That's really lucky That your mom worked there Yeah very lucky Yeah Until you see me at recess Hanging out with my own mother For two years

Come take basketball With a dodgeball Oh Mom Derek hit me You saw him Get him Get him. Get him in trouble,

mother. Ema. Ema, help. All right. One last time. The name of your podcast, Girls on Porn.

Girls on Porn. Two episodes available now. A new one every hump day. Every Wednesday. Happy hump day. Forever.

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Thank you guys so much for coming on this show. Thank you so much for having us. Yeah, this has been lovely. Thanks for being on HeadGum. For more, Laura and Rachel and Amanda. Is she on the show? No. She does pop on.

She popped on to the squirting episode. Yeah. So you'll have to tune in. She popped on. Yeah. I squirted on for the popped episode. Yes, so you can have to tune in. She squirted off. Yeah. I squirted off for the popped episode. Yes, so you can

listen to these ladies talk about porn on headgum.com or wherever you listen to podcasts. And we will be back as always next week. If you have your own

questions or theme song submissions, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Opening song was that Newfound Glory cover.

Great cover. This closing one is a cover of Do Re Mi mi by black bear i don't even know what this is but tanner hutchinson wrote it so thank you tanner thanks to laura and rachel thanks to you guys for listening we'll be back next week bye later Probably what I would do. You have a question for these Jews that ask the way they'll answer you. You got a problem with an ex. Caught your girlfriend having sex. He hit myself out of text. Well, just with the ladies. Not as warm as you speak.

They're gonna do a show for you. If you have a question, send it to. If I were you, send it to me. Follow you show at gmail.com.