Segments - 374: Pee Tasting (live in NYC!)

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

In this episode we discuss roller coaster pranks, tutor crushes, and art school threesomes -- Live at the Gramercy Theatre in NYC!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. New York City! Hometown show, baby! Yeah. Not really a standing O.

Really? That's fine. That felt so good And your first instinct Is just to minimize it Right away I was Told it would be A bigger theater

That's it What are you talking about? I don't want to start the night On like a down mood You clearly do Because you brought up The ovation And the size of the theater

I was told 400 Standing room only Which forces a standing ovate. I come out. Interesting. Everyone's, there was a sign,

which was nice. Let's see the sign again. These people all stood up. They stood. That was good. And honestly, I would have appreciated it had I not seen past it

to the other hundreds of people applauding for you? This was a standing ovation, but beyond that was a sitting no-vation. And it really was no. Yeah. Actually, before you guys get too pissed off at me, we had an idea, which was to take a photo with everybody,

a group photo. And then Take that idea and make it dumber We had the idea to try to Print a hundred of them at Kinko's And sell them after the show That's right So Brendan, Jeff Jeff Rosenberg and

Brendan Banks everyone Give it up for Hefe. Okay. I think we're both on this side. Both on this side? Yeah. Here? Like this?

Okay. If you can't see the camera, then the camera can't see you. Everybody lean in. Look happy. These are $80 a pop. Everybody dab. No dab and everybody else frown Great

Thanks for the goose noises Thank you Namaste So they're going to miss the show, right? Right. They're going to a Kinko's on Lexington now. We'll see if it works. We'll check in with Jeff at the end of the show.

They asked if we had merch, and we said, no, but we have an idea. And two friends that think it's crazy enough to work. And then they said, never mind. I said, wait. And I said, Jeffrey, are you sure you'll have to miss the show? And he said, what show? I work at Kinko's.

This will give me something to do. Who here has come to one of our shows before? Cool. Thank you. Alright, my day ones. What about first timers? Never been to a show before. Whoa! That's scary to me. That's cool, though. I'm a day ones. What about first timers? Never been to a show before. Whoa. That's scary to me.

That's cool though. That is cool. We can do anything we want. Everything's new and fresh. Yeah. So, fuck. What are you? You just said it was good and now you're... No, it's exciting.

I just don't want to fuck it up. You're retreating into your head. Because people will be like, how was the show? Good, I'd never seen them before. So we're on stage now. Yeah, no, I just want to figure out how we should. The inner monologue should have happened out there. I want a positive subreddit post.

And if it's like, they were fine. You're talking into a microphone. And you're like giving everybody. I'm brainstorming. There are no bad ideas. We can do anything you want. Sure. This is a bad one. This is a bad idea. No, we're excited.

Some people drove in from even further than New York City. True or false? Nice. Whoa. Where'd you guys come from? Baltimore. Baltimore. Connecticut? That's where I'm from.

You're from New Haven? Baltimore? You came from Israel to see this show? Awesome. We're Jewish enough that that does track for me. We'll do a quick prayer break in the middle.

Blessing over the wine. A whore of sorts. A menorah of jorts. A jeans-based denim menorah. Who came from Baltimore? You know we're in D.C. on Saturday. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that is true.

He's already too drunk to finish that sentence. That's true, but I'm here now, baby. Cool. Well, drive safe. We'll see you on Saturday. Of course. So for those of you who probably don't know, this is an advice podcast, if you can believe it.

That's why everybody's here. They're here because they want to see how we advise people out of their sticky situations, their conundrums, their stuck. Sometimes Jake and I record it alone in our studio, naked. Afraid. Soaking dry.

Always wet for some reason. It's always humid inside and out. But today we're doing it in front of 390 of our closest friends in New York City! We should call Jeff throughout the show for little status updates. Oh, that's a nice idea. I'll FaceTime him in a little bit.

Yeah, because as far as I remember, Kinko's is not great. No. Nothing ever goes smoothly. Like, I went to Kinko's and it was fine, and I left. That's right. That doesn't happen. Yeah. No, and the lens cap was on the camera, so...

Yeah. That's not going to be good. What do you think we'll print? The dab, the silly one? I think the silly one. I felt like the energy was really good for the silly one. And the dab one, you didn't like that one so much? That was a little much. Yeah. Yeah. You could have dabbed for the silly one. And the dab one, you didn't like that one so much? That was a little much.

Yeah. You could have dabbed in the silly one. I could have. I really could have. But I don't appreciate the live feedback. This is the kind of stuff that I want you to text me about later tonight. All right. Well, that's not going to happen either. All right. Should we take a seat?

Yeah, I'm ready. Let's do it. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh, I'm ready. Let's do it. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh, that's comfortable. Ooh, they changed the light. Ooh, it's blue now. Because we're about to get blue.

Very blue. Welcome to an evening with Jake and Amir. Lock the doors. All right, so these are real questions from real people. Of course you guys know that already. We just need a couple fake names to preserve their anonymity. Lock the doors. All right. So these are real questions from real people. Of course you guys know that already. We just need a couple fake names to preserve their anonymity. Let's start with any... Crandis.

Crandis. Crandis, you sweet soul. It's been a minute. I haven't heard from Crandis in a while. We haven't done a live show in a long time, have we? Yeah, I thought she hanged herself. I really did. Wow. Glad you're still kicking, Crandice in a while. We haven't done a live show in a long time, have we? Yeah, I thought she hanged herself. I really did. Glad you're still

kicking, Crandy. Crandice writes, Hi, Jake and a chipmunk. First of all, I just want to say it's absolutely amazing that a chipmunk can come

to Gramercy fucking theater. Where? In New York frickin' city. And like, and sell the fucking thing out, you know? And New York frickin' city. And like, and sell the fucking thing out, you know?

And you are a woodland creature. You have a sweet little tail. Andrew Russell, everyone. Oh, Andrew Russell. Give it up. He's not gonna come on stage, but he did hand deliver them. Andrew brought us here,

so another round of applause for Andrew Russell. A good guy. One with ice, one without. You get two with ice, I get zero, I guess. No, I just, I picked them up in a very dumb way, so I was coming, I had them both on the bottom,

and I didn't really know what to do. Oh, that's interesting, yeah. What do you do at that point? Well, I handed one to you, and then you called me out on it, and I had to tell everybody what happened, so... Just a little bit of unsolicited advice. Don't hold cuffs from the bottom. Don't grab them bad, people.

Dear Jake and a chipmunk, which I assume is an autocorrect... Just awesome you can read. Yeah, I can read. Every human can read. You're a chipmunk. All right, let's read the question. I don't want to get hung up on semantics here. You are a chipmunk. All right, let's read the question. I don't want to get hung up on semantics here. You are a chipmunk, and let's finish the question.

So I'm just going to dive right into it. My boyfriend and I were getting intimate and doing the deed. Huh? Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Before we started, I had to pee, but I figure we wouldn't be going for very long, and I could go after. Huh.

Humble brag. Well. She can get them off fast. That's awesome. Well, when we were doing it, I had to pee even worse. He put his fingers in and was doing that for a bit. Then I couldn't hold it anymore. It's like it wasn't even me.

I pissed all over him. And then he nutted. Ha! Absolutely ha. He told me that that was the hottest thing we had ever done. He said that he always knew I could be a squirter.

You just had to believe in yourself. He was so excited and even licked some of it off his hand. It was piss. Straight pee, not ejaculate with traces of urine. Actual pee-pee. I'm so fucking embarrassed. Like every time I think about telling him, I get knots in my stomach.

He keeps talking about it, and I get grossed out because he basically drank my piss. Should I tell him it was pee? Or should I not say anything? He also... I feel bad reading this, but I'm reading it. I'm not editorializing. He also said he plans to try and make me squirt again.

Thanks in advance for the advice. Love, Crandis. Crand advice. Love, Crandis. Crandis. Love for Crandis. So she peed. He thought he made her squirt, which I think was scientifically proven

to be piss. I think, yeah. Jury's still out. Someone said no. And it's two women, so. I'll take your word for think, yeah. Jury's still out? Someone said no. And it's to women, so I'll take your word for it, brother. But are there any male scientists

here? I really need a dude's opinion on what comes out of a lady. So he thought it was squirt, which he was down to slurp, but now he... What? I'm still reading.

I'm the gross one. She pissed on him. And now she doesn't even know if she should, you know, pony up the fact that, yes, it was in fact urine. And he's like, I knew. I believed in you all along. I knew. I knew if I just had enough time. My parents told me you would never squirt.

And I said, just you wait. Oh, you're going to the bathroom to squirt again. Maybe he's just stupid. Honey, I squirted five times today. I think I had a lot of water. How hot is that? I can squirt too. I did a brown squirt too.

I know. It's the word It's the word that's funny It's the word squirt? Yeah Squirt is weird It's sad and it's bad to say Squirt Yeah

Well not for everybody Some people think it's hot Would you say it's onomatopoeia? It says squirt because it sounds like that? Yeah I think so. Cool. Yeah. I'm glad we could teach people a little something.

What's the question? Should she confess to the pee-pee? Should she confess to the pee-pee? Yes, she should confess to the pee-pee. What a weird Irish jig. A drinking song where we all drink piss at the end. And then I take the other one. No, she can't confess to the pee-pee.

She can't keep it a secret. Yes, the pee-pee. I think I would keep it a secret. I would keep the pee a secret A secret that me, you, and then everyone else here and listening knows Well we called her Crandus so I like pee crit

Yeah I felt like everybody glossed over it That should have been the standing ovation Or maybe you dip your toes in the water And you like Pray tell So you say This is funny I heard that squirt is actually pee water. And you, like, pray tell. So you say, uh, this is funny,

I heard that squirt is actually pee. I know it's not, but like, for the sake of this fucking game. Okay. And then he's like, awesome, I drank your piss. If you think that's awesome. Right. I got a bridge to sell you. Or,

I read that squirt, it's piss, and he's like, oh, I think I'm gonna be sick. I fucking licked my fingers like it was the end of a barbecue after last night. And I think there were trace amounts of your urine in it. At that point, she could be like,

let the sleeping dog lie. Is that what the word is? I would just wonder a little bit, why is piss so gross? Yeah, why is piss bad? Is piss gross? It's not that gross. There must be diseases in urine

that's not in semen. Why is piss grosser than cum? Yeah. Cum is also some weird liquid that just squirts out of your body. Ladies? They seem to know everything about a jack-o'-lantern. There's, like, there's so much porn

that is all about women swallowing cum. Yeah. And then this guy just, like, had a little bit of pee, and that's horrifying? I think it's... Yeah! I just stumbled onto a woke opinion. Am I hip now?

This is pure urine. This is... Or purine, for short. And that is my crusade. I feel like there's diseases and shit and piss that there's not in cum because your body is wasting them on a daily schedule, whereas semen is just sort of a bonus Jonas that your body is wasting them on a daily schedule whereas semen is just

sort of a bonus Jonas that your body gets rid of if necessary. Think of baking a cookie. I want to think about you calling semen a bonus Jonas. Which was the nickname for this six year old Jonas brother.

Oh, don't even throw that on me right now. On this week of all weeks. When creating a perfect body, there's some stuff that needs to be discarded and some stuff that can stay in, warm-hearted. And the semen is fine to live within me forever and the poo-poo and the pee-pee needs to go. That's why they call it seam In instead of Seam Out.

Exactly. Jesus, another standing ovation. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. If you guys are listening at home, that is Jake's third standing ovation. Wow. Seam In, Seam Out.

Seam In, Seam Out. And people didn't know who we were when we came to Gramercy Theatre, right? We're a push cover band. We are a band. Would you, how about a good old-fashioned, if I were you, would you tell that it was pee-pee on the day? No, I'm adept at lying.

I would just, I would lie. Take that secret to the grave. And you could try to squirt, and if you can't, you can piss on them again, and it seems fine. Namaste. Thanks for listening. Next question, shall we? You don't have an opinion?

Whatever. All right. A girl's name. I heard one that was coming from up there What was it? Lirana Lirana May she rest in peace My ex-girlfriend who was hit by a bus

If you guys didn't watch the old Jake and Amir videos. Yep. This is actually a dude, but we'll call him Leron, my cousin from the videos. I thought he ended up divorcing you. He frickin' divorced me. So Leron writes, last night, the night started out going really well and I was gone of the

pinot variety and generally having a good time. Awesome. I actually ended up meeting this really great group of people and was invited back to smoke a J. So everything so far is going great and I'm leading the

conversation pretty much talking about my passion for design. Anyways, as we're all walking back into the rooms, the conversation is ending, and one of the girls says how great it is meeting someone with so much passion. Ooh.

Pretty cool, right? Very. I love passion. Read the cool, right? Very. I love passion. Read the question, man. Okay. This is where things start going bad. For some reason, I responded, yeah, you know, I love passionate people too. It's like birds.

All of these birds. I listen to them. And you know, somebody actually gave enough of a fuck to name them all. these birds. I listened to them. And you know somebody actually gave enough of a fuck to name them all. Thank God. What a bad comment.

This comment is met with sudden silence. Of course, as nobody thought it was funny, yet for some reason the whole room had stopped to listen to me. Then the owner of the house

proceeds to roast me and everyone laughs at him. At this point, I realize how drunk I was and I was pretty much done for the rest of the night. Anyway, my question is this, because I'm probably going to run into this group again at a party.

Should I apologize? I've been running through it in my head for the last week, and the situation is honestly brutal. I feel like I could never actually be friends with these people without moving past it, but at the same time, it might be worse to bring it up. Anyway, I love the

show. First of all, thank you. Oh, Leron. Thank you, Leron. Thank you, Leron. What is worse than saying a mood-killing comment than

coming up to them two weeks later and just be like, oh, I'm glad I found you all. I'm from the future. The bird thing that I mentioned. Think nothing of it. You're holding a gun? I can use this on myself for you.

Hey, we thought it was funny, man. Fuck. Is that a blue jay? No, no, no. I loved it. The sparrow. What was the thing that you said? The fucking passion?

I love that everybody named the fucking birds. Bird falls out of the sky. Shit, it's a crow. It's a fucking crow. Shit, it's a crow. It's a fucking crow. At least somebody named them all. He's right. Somebody was passionate enough to name the birds.

It's tough making a bad joke. I wouldn't know what that's like, but it seems really difficult to say something that's... What is it? Unfunny? Yeah, met with silence. Can you imagine? Jesus. Let's try it. We'll tell a joke each.

I don't want to play this game at all. And you guys can't laugh. No, I don't want to do that. I'll do it. Alright, fine. Because I'm a hero to you. Alright, ready? Yeah, go ahead. So I'm going to say I'll do it because I'm a hero to you, but then everyone... That's not a joke.

You have to like really fucking try. See? Alright. to say I'll do it because I'm a hero to you, but then everyone... That's not a joke. You have to really fucking try. They laughed. See? Alright. Nobody laughed. Nobody say anything. I'll do it because I'm a hero to you. Pretty good. I thought it was funny. That was 98%, but I need abject silence. Ready?

I'll do it because I'm a hero to you. Yeah, that's pretty bad. It hurts. I'd apologize. I didn't even do it, and it hurts. Yeah, I bet you're thinking about it, Leron, more than they are.

I don't know, that comment, I don't think so, because that's such a dumb thing to say that I... I do think that that entire group of friends is laughing about it behind his back. Like that has become an inside joke with him. Every time they hear a bird, they'll make fun of you. That's good. They call him Larry Bird behind his back. And then he like walks up to them and he's like, I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. And they're like, yeah, you're coming to apologize for the weird bird thing? No, no, no. Apology not accepted.

I don't even think that you are sorry enough. And honestly, we thought you were a loser when you were talking about your passion for design. So the night was never going good.

Who's gone off Pino and invited to smoke a J? Is anybody under the illusion that this guy was crushing it and tell the bird comment? You're the house owner. You're absolutely the guy that made the zinger.

Yeah, oh man. Can you imagine being that guy? Oh, that guy's the man. He owns the house. Yeah, he's like, I think you should leave my house and go home to your nest, sir. Oh!

Fuck you! Everyone laughs, claps, home to your nest, sir. Oh, boo! Fuck you! Everyone laughs, claps, boos, cheers, jeers. That guy has to leave the party. Yeah. Oh, and did I mention I own a house? And I hate design. So would you apologize?

No, of course not, but you can never be friends with these people again. Just let it be a life lesson moving forward. That any time you say a joke that's not great, you have to choose a new friend group? I think on night one, that's the case. That's the case. Yeah, sure. It's a bad lesson, I think. That's because I'm a hero.

I'm telling him the truth that he needs to hear right now. I bet they've already forgotten about it. I bet you're a cool dude who has a passion for design and birds. Ah, who am I kidding? Fucking kill yourself, idiot! No, I'm sure he's overthinking it.

I don't think he has to apologize, but if that's what will make him stop going crazy, then go for it. He don't think he has to apologize but if that's what will make him stop going crazy. He definitely should not apologize. Because then if it's not in the forefront of their mind, that fucking makes everybody remember that you went on a weird bird tangent the other night.

I was high and drunk. Never bring it up again and never reach out to the friend group again. And if they liked you, they'll reach out to you and they've forgotten about the bird and all is forgiven. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. All right, let's get through one more.

Okay, this guy is just, this guy is a drunk guy at a party. Drunk guy at a party. Scolby, someone said Scolby Lawsus? Last name Jim? Got it. Scolby Lawsus, Jim Wright. someone said sculby losses last name jim got it sculby losses jim writes here's the thing i'm at a party right now drinks as fuck but i but i need to email you for device i've been in a loving relationship for a while my gf is amazing but through no fault of her own, I've been feeling certain pulse toward members of the opposite sex, especially at social situations. Tonight,

I met my old tutor at my GF's flat, Patty, and it was too much to handle because I have a major thing for authority. Even though I love my GF, I feel like this is a sing. Should I break up with her for her own good? Please, I need advice badly. Cheers. Indeed. Scully lost his gym. Okay.

So he's already fucked his tutor. Yeah. So we could give him advice for like... This is the morning after advice. Because he was drunk in a bathroom emailing us. Here's the thing. Yeah. I'm at a patty.

That's right. Everything is happening to him. He's not doing anything. He's saying like, through no fault of her own, I feel like this is too much of an attraction for me to handle. Should I tell her for her own good? Yeah. It would definitely be for your own good also if you want to fuck somebody else.

Yeah, it seems like when you're in a relationship and then you have this urge that you said is too strong to handle, it just means that you're, like, too weak to handle it. Yeah. Yeah. So usually it's because of you, not because of the situation.

Right. Oh, that's interesting. And then fucking an old tutor because he has a thing for authority. That's like the least authority someone can have over you. I think when you have a tutor, you have authority. I'm paying you to teach me history. Yeah. And I'm turned on by how much authority you have over me.

Because she says, what time to meet at Starbucks. Yeah. She's younger than me, but smarter. So I have a thing for that. Right. She knows how to speak Spanish. Did you ever have a tutor? I had several tutors.

None of them took. I'm dumb as a rock. Twice as ugly. Despite my parents' best efforts. How does that work? Is it like a student your age or a student a little older? Is it like a teacher's younger sister?

It's like a... You... What a fundamental misunderstanding of a tutor. You think a tutor just needs to be like teacher adjacent? Yeah, like my teacher's cousin Jack is my tutor. He has a thing for science.

He's not as passionate as Jack, the science teacher. He's not going to spend his whole life, but he'll fucking do my homework if my mommy pays him. At least my tutors were usually teachers at the school who were trying to make an extra buck on the side. Yeah. Tutoring my dumb ass. This classroom thing, I don't think so.

I need that one-on-one shit. Yeah. And when it's one-on-one shit and you still don't know, that's a sad situation. Well, actually, I took the SATs, and then I took six weeks of SAT prep, and I took them again, and I got the exact same score. Because fuck you, that's why.

Didn't you say your dad was mad at you for that? Yeah, yeah. I think i remember i was on the computer and he yelled what the fuck is this and i was really scared because it really could have been anything i was doing so much bad shit senior year of high school yeah the fact that it was your sat score not improving seems to be the least of his concerns oh so you didn't find the weed or the alcohol or know about all the people I snuck into the house last weekend. Great.

It's just that my verbal score didn't go up after you paid someone to yell vocab words at me for a month. I just did fine on the SATs again. And you turned out all right. Yeah, only because I strapped myself to your coattails, brother. Yeah, my tutor was... Thank you. My tutor was incredibly helpful.

He took the exam for me, so I ended up going from an 1130 to a 1590. Wow. So he was smart, but not perfect. Well, I told him to get one wrong to make it look like an accident. And that's being an authority figure. Jeff, say hello to everybody.

Whoa, he's in a jail cell. Kinko's was closed. Of course. Where are you right now? No, I'm at Kinko's was closed. Of course. Where are you right now? No, I'm at Kinko's. They opened. Nice. Alright, awesome. Good stuff. Thanks for the check-in, Jeff. I'll see you later.

Kinko's was opened. Kisses sterile. Good stuff. He killed with one FaceTime show. Yeah. Imagine if it, he killed with one FaceTime joke. Yeah. Imagine if it was meant to deafening silence like that. Oh my God. He'd have to sell posters and apologize to everyone.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right, let's get a round of applause. We're back from break. Did we ever get that audio note or should

I read this Swedish man's question? I don't think we got the audio note. Does anybody have a Swedish man's name? I heard, I'm hearing a lot of Sven's. A lot of Sven's. A lot of Sven's? Okay. Sven writes, I'm hearing a lot of Sven's. A lot of Sven's. A lot of what? A lot of Sven's?

Okay. Sven writes, I'm drunk and Swedish. After the winter break, there was a new girl that joined our... I could try... Thomas did email me, and I could try FaceTiming him.

Is that crazy? Does he have the... We wanted Thomas Milovich to read this in a Swedish accent. Yeah, but we thought of it too late and he didn't have time. But he did say he just got home. I guess I'm going to FaceTime him.

So far we've FaceTimed Rosie in a Kinko's and gave dates in stage time. Okay. Okay. You think he'll be able to speak? I mean, Thomas. I'm really sorry to put you on the spot, but do you happen to have that email? All right, yeah, take your time. Say hey to Amir.

Tommy. Hi, Amir. Hi, baby. Hi, everybody in the theater. Oh, God. He just hung up. Where have you put it? I'm just playing video games. That's awesome, man.

Is this a FaceTime or Thomas' Twitch feed that you logged into? Okay. I got it. I have it here. Can you guys hear it? Can you guys hear it? Okay. So this is a Swedish man named Sven. Okay, Sven.

Okay, Sven writes, Hello, I'm drunk and Swedish. After the winter break, there was a new girl that joined our class. In just a few weeks, she has become very well liked by both classmates and the teachers. But I can't shake the feeling that there is something very wrong with her. When I confronted her about it, she seemed to think I was crazy.

So I started to follow her around just to see what kind of weird shit she was up to. No evidence. She does very well in school and is a master socializer. When I told my friends about my suspicions about her, they relayed that information

back to her and told me I was being weird and standoffish. You're doing great. Thanks, I love you guys. We love you. All right. She is very clever and tells everyone that she doesn't mind my suspicions about her

and that she just wants us to get along. But I know she secretly hates me for seeing her true colors. So, Jake and Amir, what should I do to make her reveal her true and horrible intentions? I gotta... I gotta repeat that question again because that is so weird. So, Jake and Amir, what should I do to make her reveal her true and horrible intentions? I can't stop thinking about her. She is driving me crazy.

Oh, I should also mention she has somehow gotten into my dreams which used to be so very sweet but now is filled with nothing but smut okay okay p.s she is very cute when she smiles and also, sorry for the long email. I'm a bit drunk slash Swedish. Okay, now get up for Thomas. Thank you, Tommy. Love you. Bye. Wow.

Damn, that worked. That was good. Yeah, I don't even fucking need to give this person advice. That was just such a... He's a Bond villain or something? He just doesn't know what having a crush feels like, I think. You have a spell on me.

And I'm mad at you? And you're nice to me. And now my dreams are hot and I blame you for that. Ask her out. See what more insight you can give. Well, don't ask her.

I mean, you've absolutely blown it. She loves it. I don't think so. He is like, you're evil and now I'm going to stalk you? Yeah. You've become the thing

that you hate. You're the evil one. That's the twist. I have to go home and write a short. All right. Should we get to this lady right here? Yeah, we got to. Are you the friend or you?

I'm me. I'm the person. So you wrote this as you, for you, us to answer. You to answer. Should she read it? Should I read it? I feel me. So you wrote this as you, for you, us to answer. You to answer. Should she read it? Should I read it? I feel weird. I like you reading it, but maybe you can come on stage and sort of live react

as it's happening. You can go in through that door right there. Only for a second. Can we use your real name? I guess you're standing on stage. Yeah, sure. I'm going to guess it's Bree.

Well, don't you have the email? Yes. Is this one on? Is this one on? It is. Tight. Here you go. What's your name?

Coco. Oh. It is? Wow. Okay, so you lied to us already. You. Here you go. What's your name? Coco. Oh. That's my name. It is? That is me. Wow. Okay, so you lied to us already. You can take my seat.

I'll stand back here and just kind of pace. All right. Hey, bros. Nice. Hey. I'm a 20-something-year-old lady living in New York fucking city. And I got a problem related to threesomes. So, Jake, this one's for you.

Oh, that's what's up. Thank you. That's not fair, but accurate. So, throughout art school, I had two crushes. Art bro one, the hunkiest boy in my grade, and art bro two, the hunkiest boy in the grade above me. Two solid crushes right there. By graduation, I had fucked both of them.

Whoa! Whoa! Then, this past summer, the bros, who apparently were friends the whole time became roommates. And I found out that the two of them were in a psychosexual game to see who could get more of my attention. So recently, bro two asked me to have a threesome with him and bro one. I'm more of an FMF type of girl, but fucking two hottest guys from my school at once, that's hot.

Having them compete with each other for me during, that's even hotter. But neither of them have had a threesome before and I'm scared the group sex will fuck up their friendship. And I think they might just be wanting to fuck each other? But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity so hashtag YOLO

should I fuck these two art bro dudes at once? Love? Coco? Love Coco! P.S. I will be at the New York show on March 7th. See you then. Oh, and Jake, my friend really wants to fuck your brother. Coco.

I thought you were Coco. Yeah, so he's in seat BB, seat number four. Some sort of battleship. Is Micah up there? Alright, sweet. Yeah, bro. BB seat number four. Some sort of battleship that we're playing. Is Micah up there? All right, sweet.

Yeah, bro. Yep. Yeah, my brother's up there right next to my mother and my father, so you can definitely go find him. Yeah, they're locked arms

right now. Actually, mother, will you walk Micah down the aisle? Oh, my God. My brother's going to fuck Coco. He is in love with the Coco. He's in love with the Coco.

Alright, back to the issue at hand. What are the cons? Okay, so... Are you really afraid that it'll mess up their friendship? Are you that nice? Because that's fine. But they're roommates. They were roommates. You don't care about that.

Who cares? It's a long-term lease. You know, I don't know. See, look how thoughtful. There's no guy who's like, these two really hot chicks want to have a threesome, but I'm worried they'll fight after it. I'm worried about their lease. Yeah. They might not get their security deposit back

if they Eiffel Tower me. Meanwhile, guys are like, I'm stalking this chick and she's freaking me out. I'm licking her piss off my hand. Permission to kiss her. That's completely, I've never thought of it from a male perspective. Yeah, yeah.

So the way to do that is just to not care about anything but you and then and then you're thinking like dude man you're so right but i do also think that they just want to fuck each other and aren't like confident in themselves enough to just be straight up about it they're using me as like but if you're thoughtful enough to care about their lease then you should also be thoughtful enough to just be straight up about it. Of course. Or using me as like. But if you're thoughtful enough to care about their lease, then you should also be thoughtful enough to care about, you know, shepherding them into their new. We should just start and then I'll leave.

Oh, that's cool. Maybe halfway through. Yeah. You just watch. And then you face away. Maybe. Who knows? And then you walk away.

Yeah. And then you're like, I feel really bad about your lease situation I don't know if you guys are like fucked up I don't know if you have a guarantor I'll pay for your

security deposit yeah I would say don't worry about it have fun with them if you think they're safe are they safe oh yeah and they're hunky

they're also we can put it to yeah we'll just like take an informal poll. Do you think she should fuck the two hunkiest guys at her school at the same time? Honestly, I don't think we need to,

let's not ask the follow-up question, because fuck you if you don't think that. Alright. Thanks, Coco. Let's give it up for Coco. Thank you. Namaste. Thank you very much. You can keep this. And I'll put it over here.

Alright, we have time for one more question. Do we have a Rosie update? Sprinting down the street, posters flying out of his person. Thank God I got on the Wi-Fi. Excuse me? We did more FaceTiming in this show than we usually do.

Yeah. Strong One Sherfoot. It's close enough. Yeah, should I read this last question? It's Hard One Sherfoot. Bastard of the Mountain. Pride of the Dwarfenage. Thick of Cap and Quad I honestly thought that would go over worse

And it's really exciting that it didn't Thank you guys Thank you very much It's validating me because Rosie is not picking up So He is available FaceTime unavailable But here you call him back I'll read the question because Rosie is not picking up. He is available. He just blocked your number. FaceTime unavailable.

You call him back. I'll read the question. As Hard1. I can keep my voice that deep for that long. It is... Oh, Jesus Christ. This question? Okay. Is it Hard1? Hard1 would never be.

Oh, my God! Whoa! Yeah, give this guy Is it hard one? Hard one would never be Oh my god Whoa So you can only print one Give it up for Jeff Rosenberg Everybody That looks good Wait, how many did you print? Well framed Wow So each of them cost That looks good. Wait, how many did you print? Well, framed.

Oh, my God. Wow. So each of them cost, to print, $18. Oh, that's too high, of course. Pretty razor-thin margins, my friend. Already signed. How'd you do that? Wait, how many were you able to print?

I'm also blinking in this photo. Is that fine? You're not blinking. I know, sweetie. Alright, so Jeff made it back. We're gonna sell those posters. If you buy one, we'll sign it. Yeah.

That's safe to say? That's fair. Look for yourself. Okay, I don't know what your passcode is, but there's way too much phones. 1753? Yeah. It's my pin number. My last four digits of my social. No, 1747.

1629 158515. Alright, are you reading this as hard one? Yeah, I'll try. It's long. Hey, guys, I just finished my senior year at the University of Virginia, so to celebrate my roommate...

Yeah, UVA, give it up. Go Cavs! To celebrate my roommate camped outside Bush Garden so that we could wake up early and be the first in line at our favorite ride. By the grace of cord, there wasn't a single soul in line. The dude manning the controls

said that he would let us go in by ourselves. My roommate said he had to piss and definitely couldn't hold it long enough on the ride. Then I said, dude, just whip it out and let it fly during the loop-de-loop. We were hoping that the urine would float in air like if you let pennies go.

So we get on the ride and my friend prepares his dick in the shy fashion. In the shy fashion. By peeking out of his zipper all discreet, turtle-like. The ride begins and he gets too nervous to pee.

What we didn't realize is that there is a photo at the top of the loop meant to capture the excitement of Zero-G. The problem is, his little dick is poking out in said photo, so they didn't let us off the ride until security came

to get a closer glimpse. By that time, families began forming a line and were wondering why they weren't moving. We pretty much were locked in as a crowd gathered by the photo of me and my friend with his little dick out. After reviewing the film, the security guards decide that his little dick was indeed out and they kicked him out of the park. He expected me to go with him because it was, quote, my idea. that his little dick was indeed out and they kicked him out of the park. He expected me to go with him because it was, quote, my idea.

But I didn't want to exit the day after one ride. So I spent a few hours at the park, then I left. My friend is now sad. And he says the only way to make it right is to take my dick out on a ride and let the gods decide the punishment. This seems a little

extreme to me, so I ask you two, is there a way to make this fair to him without risking public exposure? Sincerely yours, Hard One Shortfoot, faster to the mountain. That's tough. It's tough?

Yeah. It's a sticky situation indeed. If you piss at the top of a... I think he's thinking of a free fall, the zero-G piss floating next to you. I think on a loop-de-loop, it's not like pennies floating next to you. I guess that's not really the question, right? Well, their point was to like, whoa, there's piss everywhere and we're astronauts.

So it was a false... It was a false premise. Yes. We can agree on that. False premise, small dick, reviewed the footage, and does he owe his friend to take his dick out? Dick for dat, tit for tat. I don't think it is dick for dick.

I think he was a dick. That was a dick move. Now for dat. Tit for tat. I don't think it is dick for dick. I think he was a dick. That was a dick move. Now I'm still talking like Hard One. I can't shake it. It was a dick move to not leave the park with him when he was kicked out for the dick.

Yeah. Dick out, you get kicked out. Yeah. But it wasn't his dick. Friend's dick. It was his dick. It's a friend's dick. It was his idea. His idea, friend's dick. Right. What would make it fair beside taking your dick out on the ride?

It could have been made fair if you left the park. That ship has sailed. Yes. That dick has passed. At this point in time, what do you think is the fair retribution for not leaving the park and convincing your friend to take his dick out?

You could also say he doesn't owe his friend anything. I just merely suggested it. You're the one who did it. Whip your dick out. Whip it out. Does that have to do with the question or you're just sort of saying that? They haven't even heard the question. They just wandered in off the street.

They're curious what your D&D character's penis looks like. Yeah, well, I fucking, hard one. He flashed his dick and I rolled a goddamn nat 18. So I think. And I didn't even add my performance to that, I'll tell you what. Okay, now you don't need minor illusion on his dick. And I appreciate it. We need major delusion. I think for this guy, you don't need minor illusion on his dick. And I appreciate it. We need major delusion.

I think for this guy, you could... Why don't you ride the ride, Photoshop the dick, because he's not allowed in this park anyway. You don't have to... He's never allowed in a bush gardens again. That's good. So you're like, I'll go back in and take my dick out.

You have a fucking day and a half in there. Did you take the picture yet? Sorry, I'm just building up the courage on a fucking splash mountain. Woo! The way you should do it is actually go up on Splash Mountain, but sort of like get yourself erect. Like Papa Viagra or something. Like a half-mast.

Yeah, and then you have two foot, and then you're like, hey bro, I did it, but your dick looks fucking awesome in it. You said to Photoshop. You could Photoshop. But now you're talking about getting really, I did it, but your dick looks fucking awesome in it. You said to Photoshop. You could Photoshop. But now you're talking about getting really hard and going on Splash Mountain. It was your idea to fucking put me in the situation. So which one is it?

Full hard dick, Photoshopped, elongated. Oh, even longer. It's 18 inches flapping in the wind next to your ear. That's good. So you got sunglasses, your flapping in the wind next to your ear. That's good. So you got sunglasses, your dick's all the way up to here. He's got a little pair as well. Right. That's the Photoshop part.

He's not allowed in the park. Oh, yeah, no, the penis. Right. The penis has sunglasses. You don't want to tip your hand and show them that it's been Photoshopped, though. Fine. Buy small sunglasses. Put it on your dick.

That's smart, actually. So if you have a normal-sized dick, but you're wearing really tiny sunglasses, holding a really little cheeseburger. A really little cheeseburger. A slider. A slider of sorts. So you make everything small

to make your small dick look bigger on a picture, on a ride in bush gardens thank you everybody thank you guys that's more than our time thank you so much for coming to the show thank you very much that was a hate gum podcast