Segments - 375: Home Schooled (w/Kevin Porter!)

Episode Date: March 25, 2019

Friend and fellow HeadGum podcaster Kevin Porter joins us as we discuss dogsitting, candles, and his podcast "Good Christian Fun!"See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, here's what I'd do. I'd send those cues to if I were you. Maybe they'll help, maybe they'll just make fun of you. If only I were you. Whoa.

Nice riff. How about da? Kevin? That is nice. Thoughts? I'm going to give it a solid B minus. Solid B minus. You passed.

You could have just not said minus. You're doing well. Why'd you say minus? Like a solid B would have been nice. Because if I'd given a B plus, then he wouldn't have tried next time. There's nothing really solid about a minus either, right? A solid C. It's 80 through 83, really.

I'd say that minus sign is solid as a board. It's a straight line. Unbreakable. I remember in school I was so thrilled with a B minus. What were your average grades? I wanted an A minus. You wanted an A minus? I wanted the 90.

You liked the 90. I really needed the 90. Kevin? I imagined me in college, in high school and middle school, I was homeschooled, so grades were kind of an abstract idea. Did you get them ever? Yeah. I mean, I transferred to public school in junior year of high school.

Wait, who taught you at home? Kind of my parents, kind of these videotapes we would order out for, and then I would just watch them. Would your mom or dad ever just like give you an f you're like sitting at dinner and you got it you're like you're actually you got an f today kevin yeah that would happen sometimes it wasn't schoolwork related it's just a holistic judgment of me as a person i'm so curious about homeschooling like you you will roll up to junior hot no junior year of high school junior year of high school i was 14 because i skipped a few grades.

And then were you like, this is normal? Your parents were like, actually, you're very bright, Kevin. Yeah, exactly. You're now a ninth grader. Well, I went to public school for fourth grade. And I was like, nah, this sucks. I'm doing homeschool again. But instead of fifth, I'm doing seventh grade.

Because I thought I could do it. And then I did. But then again, the curriculum was just this whirling dervish of kind of sampling of education. And my mom was never big on education as an idea. Interesting. Or college. She's kind of opposed to that. Where are you from?

This is in Houston, Texas growing up. I'm so surprised. I've known you for years, and I had no idea. I didn't know you were from Texas. I grew up in Houston, Texas, born in Oklahoma with also a fellow homeschoolers, Hanson. Oh. In Tulsa, Oklahoma. They were homeschooled as well.

They were all homeschooled as well. And they turned out all right. They're doing great. I think we should all, I'm not kidding. We should strive to be Hanson. They make beer now. M'Hops. M'Hops is the big beer.

Yeah. That's a funny. And they all still tour and they own their whole catalog. They didn't get screwed over by publishers. They love each other. They seem to be having a great life. How'd you like 11th grade? 11th grade, I enjoyed a lot.

I enjoyed seeing- 14-year-old Kevin walks into school. Hey, I got this. Yeah, I just- Everybody's 17. You're 14. Well, I just quickly joined up with the theater group in that department. And then it was smooth sailing from there.

Got it. That's right. Yeah. They were all weirdos too. Pre-calc, you're like walking into a pre-calculus class. You're like, I got this. I watched the videotapes. Oh, well, that was a strange thing because I was buddies with the guy who was my math

teacher in high school. But we were friends before because we knew each other from church from years and years before. And then you get to school and he's your teacher. Yeah, so it went from, hey Rex, how's it going Rex, to Mr. Wolf, I have a... So it was a strange power dynamic.

And he's just like what, seven years older than you? Yeah, he was probably a little bit older than that, but he was a younger teacher. And you were fine, you slid right in, you got good grades and it was fine. It was totally fine i it was a weird setup though where i may not have technically graduated high school ever and we're not sure i did graduate college and you went to university of texas at austin ut and austin that's right uh home of south by that's alamo draft house devon farvin Farachi that was a cool city

to go to school in it was great except I wasn't there when I was legally of drinking age that's right you were 15 so I didn't go to bars

and stuff because I my last year on campus there I was 19 years old wow this is such a fascinating interesting thing Kevin's 22 now

yeah I'm still 20 gosh I wish but it is something where like so i've been watching that pin 15 show on hulu love it which is terrific i love it right so good but it's like very tied to oh this is seventh grade this was the year 2000 gel pins blah blah blah that's right and like it's so tied to oh i remember my seventh grade was like this i have no memory whatsoever of you have aol have AOL and AIM and all that stuff?

Seventh grade versus eighth grade. I definitely had the AOL AIM stuff. AOL AIM, I feel like, was our first Twitter. It was a proto-Twitter, and we don't talk about that enough. Like, the away messages you could leave there. That's right. It's true. The buddy icon.

Buddy icon could have been like the first versions of GIFs. Don't you feel like in some ways, like, texting your friends has replaced AIM? We were talking about that, like, an episode or two ago, where, like, you used to have to sign on and receive the message or you would never see it. Yeah. I miss those days where I could be like, you know what? I'm out.

I'm unreachable. Yeah. It's... Having a phone is... It's... You're on, like... You're signed into ten different AIMs that you can't sign out of ever. Well, which is why I'm glad I'm here to plug my new AIM phone that I have been developing. So I would, a sidekick. Can you imagine? I would love it.

I would be so in. And it's all the graphics are of that time too. That's right. It's like little eight, 16 bit graphics. Yeah. And you can have away messages. And when you log on, it does the door opening noise. And when you log off, it does the door closing noise. Wait, do you have

an impression of that? Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Somebody logging out in your face just ends the conversation. Gosh, I remember flirting on AIM a lot. Oh yeah. That was when a lot of it was happening. It was exciting. Like anytime you were talking to

somebody on AIM at 2 a.m., you would fall in love with them for, like, two hours. It's just basic science. Yeah. There was one girl I remember, these very specific messages we sent to each other, where she was much older, but we had crushes on each other, so it was like, no, we can't.

She was your math teacher, too, right? She was my math teacher, Mrs. Wolf. Mary directs should not have happened um but i remember i must have been like 12 or 13 and i remember sending her a message that said if only i was 17 wow because you're 17 and i'm 16 yes it was such lament no no the age gap was like you know because at that, a five or six year age gap is weird and criminal. That was almost the time. Illegal.

Quite illegal. Where now it's encouraged. We want at least a five year age gap. Yeah, we smile upon it. We don't frown upon it. All right. What is this? This is an advice podcast.

Oh, you got to tell, where is this? That guy's song. Wow. Good memory. How did we completely gloss over it I forgot and now it's gone forever yeah

I can't I can never find it again it's gone cool seemingly forever thanks for the song man found it it's Carson Fleischman

if you end up playing it please direct your listeners to my Instagram at this is Carson so they can see pictures of my cat Mr. Jeff hey and make sure

you give Mr. Jeff a solid B plus when you see pictures of him in the comments. Carson Fleischman. All right. That's easy. That sounds like a made up cool guy name. Yeah. This is Carson. That's it.

Yeah. Yes. This is Carson. Wow. You got Johnny. You got Daly. And now you got Fleischman. Kevin, do you have a sibling?

Do you have a sister? I got a brother and a sister One of each Okay, great They were homeschooled as well? They were for a little bit They went to public school at different times, so Got it

Okay, here's the cat Mr. Jeff It's a good looking cat That's a nice looking cat Give it a like I'll say that cat is Smash that like button That cat's an A

Give the cat dabs That cat is an absolute A. Double taps. So this is a- Kevin, do you have a cat? I wish. I can't have pets in my place. I would probably have a little doggo if I could.

You have more of a dog than a cat. Yeah. Do you remember there was a brief time I was dog sitting and I would bring him here a lot? A little cluster. Yeah. He moved to Texas. I want to say it wasn't because of me, but I can't totally say that it wasn't because of me. You're saying you gave him such a hard time he had to move halfway across the country?

I think he felt a little smothered. Wow. By my huggies and kissies. And then who took them to Texas? That was his true owners and parents, Andy and Patrick. Yeah, and they were looking for the dog for quite a long time. When I say dog sat. You dog napped.

Yeah, there was a sat, napped, it's all the same. Dog nap sounds very cute, but it means to steal a dog. Right. Whereas kidnap does not sound cute. But a catnap is cute. A catnap is adorable. Yeah, a catnap is cute. But is that also the words for stealing a cat?

Yes. Catnap. So catnap means I'm having a nice little snooze by myself or I'm stealing a cat? Yes. Cat nap. So cat nap means I'm having a nice little snooze by myself or I'm stealing a cat. Well, I don't know if you've met a cat, but you gotta wish

they're snoozing before you can even take them. What about a power nap? Is that stealing power? It must be, right? I think so. That's what every evil person does in a Marvel movie

is a power nap. A three-hour nap. That's when you steal someone's time and waste it by making them listen to your podcast. This is power nap. All right, we're talking about adopting a dog why don't we answer a question from a lady who has a question about adopting a dog do you have a name for this lady kevin

uh yeah let's call her hezabella hezabella right hezabella is a pretty name it's not bad i like it listen my you can have it my friend adopted a dog on Wednesday, and he's staying with me until she can convince her roommate to have him at her place. First night, he peed and marked all over the carpets, which I'm super annoyed about, but I'll give it a pass since he was drugged up after getting his balls chopped off. Jeez. drugged up after getting his balls chopped off. Second night, he lunged at me and my four-pound chihuahua, so I'm keeping them in separate rooms for the baby's safety. That's too small of a dog. Today is the third day, and I'm at my wit's end. He almost attacked my cat.

And then when I got home from school, I found that he destroyed my window blinds. I'm a poor college student who lives alone, so I thought I was doing a nice favor for a friend, but I don't own any of the furnishings. So he is now destroying my apartment's property. I fear for my very expensive safety deposit, but also my friendship. I don't want to ruin anything I have with my good friend and I can't stand this dog anymore. I feel like I'm completely, I'm complete care of a psycho dog, and she just gets to come over and enjoy the fun parts. So how do I go about getting rid of this dog while still staying friends with this person? How do I tell my apartment that he's done damage without getting

evicted? P.S., not that it matters on the breed, but it's a two-year-old pit bull mix in a solid 50 pounds. Thanks, guys. Oh, my gosh. It feels like body shaming at the end there. Hezily. You know, it's like when old people specify a race in an anecdote. Not that it matters, but he was Hispanic. Yeah, it's like, no, it doesn't matter.

He was Asian, the dog. Oh, okay. Well, I don't think she should be worried about getting evicted for damage. I feel like your landlord, unless they're a psycho, would be amenable to that, especially if you have a good track record with your own pup. Have you guys dog sat a lot? I've only done it with two.

No, I've done it with three dogs in the past couple years. That's pretty good. Yeah, I guess a good amount. Any of them bad? I've fostered. Any of them bad? Any bad apples? Well, little Paddington the Pomeranian did pee on my friend's father's carpet at Thanksgiving dinner.

That wasn't the best moment in the world. So you went to a dinner for Thanksgiving and brought the dog you were dog sitting. Because it was over the Thanksgiving break because the couple was traveling out of town. Got it. And they knew that I liked dog sitting and I do. And it was a tradition. Like one Thanksgiving I had Buster,

one Thanksgiving I had Paddington and then the tradition was broken after that because the dog was not house broken. I like dog sitting.

It is nice. It's like you have the joy of a dog but without like the, kind of like the anxiety of like, I will have to do this every day for at least 15 years. It's like being an uncle.

Yeah, it's nice. But this sounds like... This is a bad dog. Well, this life sounds pretty fucking rough, too. It's like a poor college student living alone in an apartment with three animals. It's just not ideal. Yeah, she has a cat. She has a dog, and now she's babysitting another dog.

And now the dogs are fighting, she can't do anything about it. Can you take it back? Well, this is what's crazy to me. She is concerned about her friendship with this other person who adopted a 50-pound pit bull, chopped off its balls, and then left it at its friend's apartment at her friend's apartment while she went to her roommate to try to convince her roommate that they can keep the dog this is a bad friend yeah she should be worried about you staying friends with her you're you're the victim i think you do need to have a heart-to-heart of like expressing your needs expressing how you kind of feel railroaded in this situation,

which I know is not what she's emphasizing in the email. But that's more the issue to me as well. She's like, I feel so bad. How do I tell my friend that I don't want to watch the dog that's attacking my dog and destroying my apartment when she's the fucking owner? This Hezabella is such a sweetie. She really is, sweet to the core

Good on you, Hezabella, for like taking all this on You really have a servant's heart And it's very clear how kind you are Yeah, but that being said That being said You're acting insane, Hezabella Yeah, stop being so crazy You're being mean to yourself

And to your loved one, your friend And you're hurting your chihuahua, your cat, the blinds. That's what I always think about when I'm afraid that I'm going to be mean to somebody. I think about like, wait, but that person, like by me being afraid of confronting this person, I am being mean to these other people or animals that are suffering because of that person's thoughtlessness. Yeah. So like, if you're concerned about your friendship with your friend and like that's making you not talk to her, you should maybe just readjust to be like, I fear for my cat and for my puppy, for my little chihuahua.

So if I want to be the best owner I can be, I need to get rid of this dog. Yeah. That doesn't make you a bad person. Yes. It's your children's fault. Well, and part of the question was, how do I get rid of the dog? Wasn't that part of it at the end?

Yeah, can you sublet a sublet? Can you dog sit for you who's dog sitting? Well, I was almost going to say, like on a practical level, find like a kennel and like text your friend and say, hey, I literally can't do this. I'm going to put them up at this kennel and like text your friend and say, hey, I literally can't do this. I'm going to put them up at this kennel. I hope you at least split it with me or something like,

or pay for all of it because this is unlivable. And that helps like temper your, you know, needing to talk to your friend too. You could say like, I can't do this, but I'll help you find a place for the dog, whether it's a kennel or like I'll post on Facebook or Craigslist. What's the duration of time that has a place? She says, so he says, staying with me until she can convince her roommate

to let her have him at her place. So what are the odds that this comes out before or after? Oh, this is a great follow-up pup one. Literally a pup. Yeah. So we ask, hey, how long did you end up? We do follow- up pups where we give advice

and then like ask how how it panned out great whether they followed it or not this is good the message just came in six days ago

so it's topical she might still have the dog that's ruining the life or at the very least we'll get to learn how like what happened imagine like being this

Hezabella who's like so did you broach the whole having a dog thing he's like no it hasn't come up yet can you like keep the whole having a dog things like no, it hasn't come up yet. Can you like keep the dog for another week? I feel like I'm mustering up the courage. And then she's like, don't you have to tell him now because the dog is destroying my entire

apartment. And then this lady can't be like, I gotta have the dog in here. Now. It's a dog that's currently terrorizing my friend's place. The other thing I would say is if they're like, small, like scuffs and stuff that you're concerned about with your apartment, your landlord won't take your full security deposit for stuff like that. The security deposit is like if you put your car through a wall or something. You could go to Home Depot

and just touch up paint and stuff, and your landlord will never be the wiser. Yeah, you'll be. I wouldn't worry about the landlord stuff so much, but I would worry, especially because we don't know how timely this will be. I would really emphasize this as a moment to really take that friendship by the shoulders and just shake it and make sure everything's okay. I did have like a friendship sort of threatening dog sitting relationship one time.

What happened? It was mostly my bad because the dog in retrospect was a good boy just kind of a puppy and not what i was used to but the friendship in particular was loaded where like it was this person that i was very close to for many many years she moves away and gets married and then every time i've seen her since then it's felt like i'm doing her favor like hey can you shoot video at my wedding hey can you dog sit for me? Which usually you would ask of like your closer friends. And I remember, you know, for a long time after that dog staying scenario, I carried a little bit of hate in my heart for that person. Yeah.

And I had to let it go. So don't do that. Wow. Don't carry the hate. Don't carry the hate. All right, cool. Let's take a break. Let's answer some more questions after these messages. Woo! Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Kevin, do you have any. Oh, it's a lesson. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. That's right. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Oh, boy. That's right. Mom, I'm coming. Oh, I guess I forgot that part of it. I'm giving that song an A-. If anyone's asking. You love it.

Yeah, I think it's great. But the sentiment's awesome. A solid A-. You know what? This might minus. You know what? This might be, you know, I'll give two little bits because they're both kind of basic pieces of advice. Two for one. I love it. But I feel like they're not very insightful at all.

And most of your listeners probably already know these things. I would love to wind up for this pitch. Yeah, I have a lot of pre-Gretz going into this. Pre-Gretz. That's good. My first piece of advice is that on Instagram, the mute button is your best friend. Okay. So tell me what the mute is versus unfollow.

Unfollow, people can find out if you unfollow them. Pretty easily. You can go to like, if it's me that unfollowed someone, they could go to who they're following and then type in their username. And then they would show up or not show up. Okay, right. If I mute them, they'll never know. And it's a good way to maintain polite relationships and kindness.

And honestly, there's a lot of people that I wish I didn't follow that I love in real life that are dear friends. So what are you muting? And how many people? Are you a mutant? I'm not a mutant currently. Well, at this point, I feel like for people that I know personally, I don't think I can ever unfollow any of these people. They're hard baked into your life. It'll come up. I think

it'll come up, but muting, I can even do select like seasonal muting. Oh. I think seasonal muting is fine. A holiday muting. Yes. Oh, Holly just went on on vacation i think i'll mute this for the next few days exactly yeah what do you what are you muting are you muting the boring basic cappuccinos the sunsets are you muting like family life like i don't need to see your baby what do you what do you you know sometimes it was i was honestly muting some of the best because some of the best people on on instagram because sometimes it's the thing we all do with comparison stuff and career stuff where it's like, oh, this person's killing it.

This doesn't feel good. Jealousy, jealousy. Yeah, it's no like personal, and you don't want to hate them or have like weird resentment that is definitely unearned against them. We're shooting a movie, so I'm going to like be posting photos

for the next six months. Yeah, and I'll like them six months after the fact of you posting them. We're shooting a movie, so I'm going to be posting photos for the next six months. Yeah, and I'll like them six months after the fact that you posted them. That's my fear, is that I think if you... I feel like if I mute somebody, they'll miss my... I guess that's really self-aggrandizing.

That they'll notice you're not liking their photos. Yeah, they'll notice that I'm not liking photos. But I have been called out before for not liking someone's photos. Whoa, who? I don't want to say their name. Oh, it's not like a friend that you feel not liking photos. But I have been called out before for not liking someone's photos. Whoa, who? I don't want to say their name. Oh, it's not like a friend that you feel comfortable out with right now? They were like, you never like my photos? Wow. Oh, no.

Yeah. See, I... People called you out, too. They say like, you comment but don't like a photo. Yeah, that's fine. I can comment. I think that's inappropriate. I really do. I want to comment. I don't necessarily like the photo. Oh, no, I'm saying the calling out, not what you're doing oh yeah yeah I think what you're

I think it's both inappropriate frankly but actually no I think yes it is why can't I have comments this is another concern of mine yeah

I like my number of people I'm following to be kind of low I feel like that's kind of like a power move let's compare your number versus Kevin's. I know mine is almost to the exact number.

Kevin? I think. What do we think in yours is? I think mine is 998. Whoa. You're keeping it under 1,000. I got to keep it under 1,000. 997.

997. Do you go through your whole feed? Are so many of those people muted that it's easy? Well, now at this point, because this is actually something that I figured there's certain people that follow me on Twitter that follow maybe like 3,000 plus people where they have not liked or retweeted or replied to anything I've said in so many years. I'm like, I have to be muted, right? But it still says blah, blah, blah follows you. Right. But maybe if they follow 3,000 people, then you might just not go, they just might not go through their whole feed. I think it's still because I follow

over 3,000 people. I still see everyone. You see everything? Yeah. It's awful. It's terrible. And I hate it. I'm a slave to my own social media. I am. I think I follow like 50 people on Twitter. I've said this before, but I do believe the mute is the gentleman's unfollow. Oh, that's nice. If ever cornered in such a situation. Because yeah, you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. No. I do think though, confrontation in real life is bizarre.

It really is. It's not the same. If I wronged you, if i said something mean to you i want to apologize but if i didn't comment on a thing i don't feel like that's fair yeah it's like we're playing with monopoly money on instagram especially because people i think to people and i don't know what the person is the situation they were in but people use instagram for such different things that i think for some people they almost see it more as like i'm group texting all of my friends yeah more so than like i'm using

this and i have like work friends that see this and my regular friends and my family and some people like this is just for my career and i'm just plugging dates or whatever so i think not being on the same page with that stuff would lead to hurt feelings, but it's hard to relate with them when it does happen. Like, I saw you didn't see my story. I'm like, you're scrolling through them. And yeah, like, what do you want out of, like, that kind of conversation? You know, like, do you want me to, like, all, like, they have to know that I'll apologize or make a joke and then talk shit about them for a long time and think that it was petty and weird. We talk about it on a podcast where literally hundreds of thousands of people are listening to it.

Millions. Billions, actually. Millions and billions. How many people listen to this podcast? Is it billions? Last episode was, yeah, 1.1 billion. It's ratty by billions. On Showtime right now.

Catch the new season. It's coming up. I'm a big billionsions fan, actually. Really? That'll be my unsolicited advice next week. What was your other bit of unsolicited advice? Oh, gentlemen, keep a candle in the house, in the apartment. Oh, that's nice.

Just keep a candle there and light it all the time. It smells nice. Yes. It smells good. It smells. There's so many things in life that are out of your control. I mean, not to make it too gender gendered like men keep a candle versus women because there's a bunch of smelly women out there but uh but men in specific maybe yeah stinkier right there's so many things are out of your

control you can control the scent and flavor and the aroma of your apartment what scent are you going for yankee doodle candy birthday cake are you going for a more classy crate and barrel cologne smell? I try to do classy because to me the sweeter ones end up smelling bad after a long enough time. Like an air freshener. Yeah. It feels like someone is like spraying it up your nose. So right now I kind of have a compromise. I got oats and honey going.

That's nice. At the house. I actually recently bought a candle. It was in a little blush box. It's called Boy Smells. And I got the one that was Redwood Tree. Here's a question for you. Are you lighting it every day when you go home?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I won't keep it lit all day. Got it. I'll blow it out when I leave. A little bit. That's another tip. Blow it out when you leave.

Living with a woman, we've got candles everywhere. Are you guys public? Oh, we're public. Oh, wow. Yeah. They IPO'd. You can invest in their relationship. Yeah, I can buy stock in that? We've got three candles in the house, at least.

And are they always going or you sort of forget about them? I don't ever light them, but sometimes I'll come home, Jill's watching TV, and there's a candle going. There's a nice candle going. There's a candle going. Come on in. Is it three different scents competing? I don't really notice this scent. I don't know if I like – it's not like pine or lemon.

It's nothing that I can pinpoint, but they are three different scents. But your home smells lovely, and that's all that matters. It's nothing that I can pinpoint, but they are three different scents. But your home smells lovely, and that's all that matters. It does smell lovely. It's nice. Great. So you associate that with your lovely wife, and maybe it's a good thing you don't even notice it.

It gives off a nice light. Yeah. It creates a great ambience. I like candles lit while watching movies in the dark. That's fun. You notice your two tips were to mute, basically blinding yourself, and then to light a candle, which is to increase your heightened sense of smell. Right. Mute, of course, means to not speak, which is another sense, if you think about it.

And then your last tip is to what? Bring it home. Numb your feelings. Exactly. I think you're overanalyzing this. I don't think so because... I'm muting the bad smells in my home. And increasing them.

That's right. All right, two good tips. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm good for at least two good tips. That's good. On my Patreon. Two good tips.

Although I think they're cracking down on that. Do you have another lady's name? Oh, no, this is a dude's name. A dude's name is asking a question about his brother's girlfriend. Oh, his name is Godfrey Filders. Godfrey Filders, right. I'm in an impossibly upsetting situation. My brother's girlfriend is staying with me for a couple of months,

having recently gotten a job in London. My brother, temporary, does not live in London. So they're job in London. My brother, temporary, does not live in London. So they're both in London. Yes, but the brother does not live in London. So he's living with his brother's girlfriend. Every week for at least three of my, sorry, every week, at least three of my ice cream cones

go missing from the freezer. And I'm certain the girlfriend is stealing them. We made abundantly clear that food would not be shared. No one else lives in the apartment, and I'm sure I'm not that bad at counting. I politely asked her if she was eating them, and she laughed, exclaiming that she does not even like ice cream.

To be sure, no ice cream has gone missing, but maybe she is just eating the cones. What? Also, she did not directly answer the question, and the vibe was strange. I swear to God I saw a very subtle smirk. I asked again because it has to be her, and she just laughed and said, I was a funny one, whatever the fuck that means. The big problem is my boss is her dad, so I can't be too douchey about the whole thing.

So what should I do? One, keep confronting her. Two, set up a sting operation. Three, mildly poison the cone. Four, snitch to her dad. Wait, his boss is her dad. That's right. So it's kind of an in-good-company situation.

Is that the movie? Which one is that? Topher Grace, Scar Johansson. Yeah, yeah. Someone's dead. That is the premise of the movie. I don't know if it's called that. Never seen it.

For the love that is all cone-shaped and cream-bearing, please help me. Thanks and peace. Love. What was his name? It was Goffrey. Felders? Goffrey Felders.

Felders, yeah. I can't believe he described the situation as impossibly sad. Impossibly upsetting. There's an ice cream thief afoot. I think it's very possibly upsetting. Godfrey, don't overreact. Is he talking about ice cream cones that are frozen with ice cream already in it? I'm confused because if it's bare ice cream cones.

In the freezer? Yeah, that's stranger. I think that's like from the ice cream man cones. You know, like those like. Like drumsticks. Yeah, exactly, exactly. In which case yeah that's a more valuable steal and then he's saying every week three of them go missing and then she

he says maybe she's eating the cones and not the ice cream because she doesn't like ice cream okay so it must be drumsticks then yeah but there but there's ice cream that goes all the way down to the cone right it's not an empty cone and then not in a drumstick i mean it'll it'll melt ideally what you want what you want mean, it'll melt, ideally. What you want is for it to melt and go down into the cone. But if you're not making the cone yourself, oh man, I fucking miss ice cream.

I love waffle, but I'm no cone with ice cream stuff. When I go to Salt and Straw, when I go to Jenny's, no cone. Why is that? Because it overwhelms the cream. I feel like I just get like bready taste in my mouth. It's not a good compliment. I don't think so. I like the cream. I feel like I just get like bready taste in my mouth. It's not a good compliment. I don't think so.

I like the cone, but I like a nice wafer. So I'm trying to... Sorry, can we get that again clean? Sure. I like a nice wafer. And that'll be a drop. I'll give it a B-2 in the future.

But so I'm trying to get my self in the head of a freak that just likes the Cones by themselves. What's the question again? Are we trying to solve the mystery? What should he do? I feel like more than anything, he just wanted to vent. Basically, how about this?

What would you do? I would... What I would honestly do if I was in that situation and wanting to respect my brother and not feeling like the full need of like this is my friend i have to save the friendship i would either one just take it and not do anything about it and just kind of like vent to strangers on a podcast about it yeah okay or two i would install a security camera a nest cam in like a cabinet or like put it in the freezer if you can find one that they can withstand that to see what's happening or three i would just buy more of those drumsticks or whatever the ice cream cone is and

be like hey i got some more because i know you you probably have been liking them what about and just make the assumption she said twice that she wasn't. Did you take it? No. You sure you didn't take it? You're funny. No. I'm the funny one.

Okay, I got some extra because I know you like it. What about doing that like blue exploding ink that they put in the bank bags? Oh, that's good. Oh, here we go. Yes.

So like you come home and she's just covered in this anthrax powder and you're like, oh. It's not anthrax. It's exploding ink. Yeah, he's just covered in this anthrax powder. Right. And you're like, oh. It's not anthrax. It's exploding ink.

Yeah, he's not trying to kill his future sister. No. He did suggest mildly poisoning the ice cream. Yeah, that was one of the options. You could. Don't do that because your brother won't be happy. You could just like sort of tag every single one. Just with like a one, two, three. Like the hit movie.

A number, yeah. And then every time you have one, you just mark it off and you're seeing if she's taking any. Yeah, he's convinced that they're missing. But then if I'm her, I see the numbers, I don't go for them. Right.

Well, that's a good little security thing. I guess it's preventative more so than like solving the whodunit. And if she does, that's a good little security thing. But then I guess it's preventative more so than like solving the whodunit. And if she does but she will think you're insane. How expensive are these things? There must be a dollar each, right? They can't be that expensive.

Frozen ice cream sticks. Amir will personally Venmo you the money to buy more. That's missing, yeah. Because not only is it the brother's girlfriend, it's also his boss's daughter. So he's got like two reasons to be actually polite. Guys, are we thinking about this all wrong? Is it possible that this girl is getting the ice cream cones for her father?

A man who's too cowardly to request either of them personally. From his employee. It goes straight to the top, don't you see? It all connects. To King Cone. Kevin is staring at a wall full of newspaper clippings. We've been working on this for a while. There's a red string going everywhere from

Mr. Softy down to a guy to Dublin. From ice cream to Cone. A marketing intern at Haagen-Dazs. This all goes to the top. Is there a PS that says, dot, dot, dot, we're also Klondike Bar Bears? No, no PS.

I'd like to do a follow-up up on this one as well. All right. Add it to the list. We got one last question if you got the time. Ooh. This one's called

Mormon Cockblock. Mormon Cockblock. Yeah. What do you know about Mormonism? Because your podcast, Good Christian Fun, is about Christian subculture. It is. And that's more of the evangelical

Protestant mainstream bent, more so than Mormonism. Yeah. I don't know a lot of Mormon stuff, other than there was like a Mormon missionary movie Anne Hathaway made in like the early 2000s. That's all you got. That's all I got. I don't know that, like, we're talking about the pop culture or just like the religion in general?

Both, I guess. They're nice. Everyone I knew in high school who was a Mormon was very attractive and very like, sincerely kind to me. That's my impression of Mormons, is like, they're very attractive, like Patrick Wilson and Angels in America, and they're

very kind. And I read Under the Banner of Heaven by John Krakauer. So my perspective on Mormons is that they are all child-marrying, bloodthirsty, crazy people. Is that a novel or a non-fic? It's a non-fic. Okay. It's a great book.

It's called Under the Blood Hammer? You just made up two of those words. Under the Banner of Heaven. Oh. I don't know where I got Blood Hammer from. It is about a bloody ass murder. I'm going through some stuff, guys. And it's called Slime Axe.

It's called the Slime Axe. And it's our Slimer from Ghostbusters. All right, here's the question. Yes. Sup, Jew boys. Here's the deal. I matched with a really beautiful girl

on Tinder while I was home for New Year's. 14 hour drive from where I'm going to uni. We've been FaceTiming and texting a lot and we both like each texting a lot and we both like each other a lot. After talking for a few months, she decided to spontaneously fly here

to see me for the weekend. A month later, a day before she was flying here, her very Mormon parents found out that she was coming here to see me and forbid her from coming. Consider my balls blue. She wants to keep talking and pretty much do long distance but lives 14 hours away and we can't see each other for another four months. We don't live in the same province and neither of us plan on moving anytime either. She's had a rough last year and I don't

want to hurt her by ending things but at the same time, it doesn't seem practical for a couple of good looking uni kids to enter into this long distance relationship. So, do I keep talking to her for four months just to be able to see her for two months before coming back to school, or do I ghost her ass and continue my Tinder conquest?

Advice would be hype. Thanks, love ya. Well, I'd say no to ghosting. It's not an A or B multiple choice here. What is the C? What's your go-to answer for this one? First of all, there's never, it shouldn't be multiple choice, okay? This is long

form essay. That's what the podcast is. And these are people. Yeah. They have feelings. He doesn't want to be mean to her, but at the same time, he doesn't want to stay in a relationship with her if he's not going to see her for another four months. And he doesn't want to be like another reason for her to get even more sad than she already is. This is something that I don't like. People staying in relationships to not be mean to the

person need to understand that staying in a relationship where you don't care about somebody is actually a really mean thing to do. It's the meanest thing you can do. But it's secret mean. So she can still be happy while you're saying, yes, we're in a relationship, while you're also not technically in a relationship. But we're talking about the option of two mean things. One, stringing her along, not actually caring about her just because you're afraid of hurting her. Or B, really, really hurting her by ghosting her. Yeah. really, really hurting her by ghosting her. So there's numbers. The other option is being honest, which is like a little painful,

but in the long run, isn't like emotionally devastating. So what would you say? What would you say to this lady to be honest and not emotionally devastating? How old are these people, by the way? 40. 40 and her parents have said no.

Uni, uni. Uni, they're uni age. I'll say 19. What's uni? Oh, university. It's where you went when you were 15. no. Uni. Uni. So 19. I'll say 19. What's uni? Oh, university. It's where you went when you were 15. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That thing I was at for like two years. Yeah, no wonder her parents won't let her fly. She's 14 years old. Yeah, she can't drive. Yeah, I was going to go more towards Jake's area of like honesty now is better than lies forever. Or for like a long time and then a bunch of honesty later. And sometimes we do advise lies forever. We've said that before.

That's right. Lies forever is the name of an episode. He's basically going to go home again in the summer and see her. So should he say, I don't want to talk to you for another four months? Or should he say, hey, this is a little too weird for me right now. I think it's a phone call. Yeah. It's always painful and it's embarrassing

and it's sad it's sad for both people but I really do believe like and I've believed this a lot more recently in the last couple years that you can end things well and it can feel great it can feel great to end things well where it's like it's sad

and even you're sad for a couple days as the ender and obviously the ND like whichever's sad and even you're sad for a couple days as the ender and obviously the ND like whichever side of the equation you happen to be on but if you do it successfully you can brag about it for a long time

like having a good breakup does feel amazing and it's a great sort of like you know what it was actually like we just talked about it it was sad

but you know we were really mature about it and blah blah blah and how ahead of your time ahead of uni time, you would be to do that. My goal is with breakups is always, it's okay for the person to be sad, but I don't want them to be mad at me. So they can't be mad at me because I'm being honest, but they can still be sad at me because it's the end of a relationship. That's smart. That's actually, that's smart.

And you tell that, you lead the breakup conversation with, you can't be mad at me because it's the end of a relationship. That's smart. That's smart. And you tell that. You lead the breakup conversation with you can't be mad at me. You can't be mad at me. You can't be mad. And your emotions are invalid because you can't. I'm doing this by the books. And as a man, you enjoy playing emotional boundaries. Yeah, it's all end-turn relationships that I'm not necessarily into, quote unquote, just so I can end them later as a practice.

I give you way too much credit at the start of this. And I will, on the way out, I'll sort of stub my toe and give the other party a look like they did that to me. So you can be mad at them. Yeah. And I'll be like, sorry, it's not entirely your fault. I'll say little things like that. But why'd you get a bed with such hard edges?

Never mind. I know why. You did it to hurt me. Oh man. I think, man, ending well in college story will be great for your adult life. End it well. Yeah. All right. Be honest. End it well. Why don't you tell us a little bit about Good Christian Fun before you have to head out of here? Oh, and I gotta head out of here, guys. Oh, you gotta get the fuck out. I know. Good Christian Fun is a podcast on the HeadGum Network. I've heard of it. It is about Christian pop culture.

If you grew up with Christian rock and movies and entertainment, talking DC talk, newsboys, Avalon, Point of Grace, Left Behind, God's Not Dead, all that stuff. We talk about on the show with our comedian friends. Like former guests, HeadGum host Demi Adjouibe and Miel Bredo. That's right. And future guests, Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenthal. I would love to go on and talk about my dueling Christian and Jewish upbringing. We've never talked about this. You had a dueling upbringing?

Sort of, I guess. Wow. Yeah. See, never talked about this. You had a dueling upbringing? Sort of, I guess. Wow. Yeah. See, all good fodder. Yeah, we always talk to the guests about where they came from. They share their guestimony and their history with faith and where they're at now. Well, here's the thing. We did, when you were hosting Gilmore Girls, Gilmore Guys.

Who cares? We did a- Gilmore Girls was the show. Yeah, Gilmore Guys. We did an entourage episode on April Fools. That's right. That was one of the most... That was one of the most episode on April Fools.

Good Jewish fun. Good Jewish fun. We've talked about it. We've talked about doing like good atheist fun, good Jewish fun. Yeah, I would talk about atheist fun. Good Mormon fun. Man, we had so much fun doing that entourage episode. That was the best three years ago.

Yeah. Go back and listen to that. You know the quote that still rings in my head from that? What? Just keep your pants off, you little bitch. I don't remember the context of that at all. That was how Amir ended the episode. Jesus Christ. Go back and listen to that, everybody.

Three years ago. Just keep your pants on, you little bitch. No, off. Off. Of course. Of course. Of course. That was 2016 when it was fun to do performative misogyny. It was different then.

It was. Trump hadn't won yet. Oh my gosh. No, that was recorded the night he did win. Oh, right. We were celebrating. That was how we were celebrating. All right.

So a good Christian fun on headgum.com or wherever you listen to podcasts. You don't got to be a Christian to listen to it. In fact, we prefer if you're not, so we can convert you. Just kidding. You said just kidding really quietly. I hear you, just kidding. All right, the opening theme song was written by Carson,

and this closing one, I have to look up again because I lost it. I'm not as organized right now. I don't know why. It has to do with... It's because you got rid of your hot corners, dude. How many do you have in the bullpen waiting for opening and closing themes? We got some unused ones.

Hundreds? No, not hundreds. Okay. Dozens. What an amazing gift to have so much user-generated content. Yeah, it's nice. They're way more talented than us. Yeah, it's our fans.

And what a microcosm of how, like, the website industry works, like BuzzFeed or Funny or Die. We'll have the email. You guys do the work. Yeah. I found it. Get exposure. It's T. Lang did a parody of Bo Burnham's Bo-Yo. I'd like a shout-out.

My girl Saskia. My brother for the ha, the city of Gothenburg, Sweden, and last and least my band camp, onsdag.bandcamp.com. It's decent at best and amazing at worst. I love the phrase last and least. That's why it's last. Last and least. Kevin, thank you so much for stopping by. Hey, thanks for having me, guys.

Of course. This was so fun. I'm glad you can come in today on such short notice. Yes. I finish my prayers early, just to be here. And we'll be back next week. Thanks for listening. Ciao.

I don't know if Jake and Amira are goats and gay, because every time they're talking, it feels like that scene from Ghosts with Clay. They're gonna help you, so you can leave it and drop it. Listen to the podcast with your phone in your pocket, and girl,

if you're into women, it's only seven years to women, but don't take next to a hard one, cause you've never been into actual women. Sexually, I said, they'll help you

sneeze to cheese, flip feels like you're listening to old school jugglies. They're gonna tear it up once every Monday, sign up to the Patreon for Thursday, Thursday.

If you don't wanna listen, I'll defeat ya. Cause I'm a stone cold day one and it's nice to meet ya. It's if I were you. And it's the greatest show ever. Whether or whether you think it's funny or not,

it's a podcast that's hot. And for a bunch of point divas, I would really have you kill yourself. How to Starbucks.