Segments - 377: Shart and Dart (Live in DC!)

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

In this episode we discuss prom-posals, cheating zaddy's, and Amir's new musical.Recorded at the Black Cat in Washington DC!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Jake and Amir! Yeah! Wow! People are over there! Alright, alright! Wow! Washington, D.C. Wow, people are over there.

All right, all right. Wow. Washington, D.C. Who here has seen this live podcast before? Cool. Yes. Who's here for the first time? Wow.

I thought I was going to get away with not telling my virginity story. I thought I was going to be too many repeat customers. But no. Great. Great. Looking forward to the break. That's exciting. A lot of first timers. We could do anything we fucking wanted. It doesn't even have to be an advice podcast. We shouldn't change the premise of the podcast because they bought the tickets and they're here. Oh, shit. Alright.

So it sounds like you've already changed the premise of the podcast. No, I wrote a play. I did write a play. So then it's not even a podcast. You didn't change the premise of the podcast. You changed the premise of the show. House lights go on. Oh my god. Finally. It's a flash mob.

You guys can drink, right? Cheers. Namaste. Cheers. It's Saturday night too. So exciting. This is your drink. Of course and vice versa. You can tell that we don't like what the other guy drinks, huh? I loved yours.

Mine's matzo ball soup, though. That's why. That's how my play starts. Mine was matzo ball soup. He never seemed to care. Come in. This play sounds awful. Yeah.

It's a Jewish guy gets a visitor? No. Every play I'm in is not a Jewish guy blank. Just because I'm Jewish. The protagonist was drinking matzo ball soup out of a cup.

Non-Jews love matzo ball soup, right? That was so, so tepid. And I know the person that said woo real quick was Jewish. Hey. Keep us on track. No, we'll keep it as it usually is, which is an advice podcast.

It's actually the only advice podcast on the entire internet that Jake and I host. You guys have heard it before. Sometimes we record it by ourselves. Sometimes we're in a room with 500 of our closest friends. Tonight we're in Washington freaking D.C. Hopefully you guys can help us. What's that? He said no-bama, so...

Technically accurate, but I didn't appreciate it. He got the maximum time in office. He did good enough. Yeah. He did the most, so you don't get to brag about that. That he left after the allotted time that was the max.

That loser won twice, and then he bounced. Alright, maybe you guys can help us answer some of these questions that have been sent from real people. Crandus? We did need a fake name, and actually, Crandus works.

We can use Crandus. Crandus is back. They never left. And Crandus writes, Hi guys, I'm Crandus. I'm at my eight, sorry, at my 18th birthday party in a sushi restaurant with my family, friends, and the girl I like. I accidentally sharted.

Who hasn't been there? Mortified, I ran to the bathroom, threw out my boxers, cleaned myself, and returned to the table. Just in time to catch a hibachi piece of chicken. Who wants a shrimp? No, no, no, no, no. I'm deathly... Oh, shit. I shouldn't have shellfish. Good. What do I eat?

Unfortunately, I was so rattled that my mom could tell something was wrong. And the smell combined with her suspicion led me to admit the truth to everyone. I imagine that admitting the ridiculousness of it all head on might lessen some of the shame. Still, I fear this event will make things difficult with my lady interest. My lady interest also left early. How should I deal with this situation

so that I still have a chance with her? Thank you, love, Crandis. Give it up for Crandis. Wow. That's tough. Why did he come clean? Why did he invite the lady interest?

Just a crush to a family dinner? No, the friends were there. They were friends. Why did you invite the family? This is a weird gathering of people. My mother, my crush. Your mom, your dad. And his mom fucking grilled him so hard

that he admit that he shit his pants at dinner. Why, Crandis, that was seven minutes. It usually takes you five to shit. Elbowing the lady interest. Let me see your little butt, Crandis. Turn around. In fact, I'll go check to see

if his boxers are still in the bathroom You might be 18, but I've wiped you since you were a boy I've wiped you for 14 of those 18 And I know a shart when I smell it Hibachi chef making a rice heartbeat Faster and faster as he grows nervous Like the telltale shart. A little volcano that starts spewing stuff up.

Yeah, onion volcano. Okay. Chocolate comes out. It's all too much, mother! Crush! All right, I sharted! Whoa, nobody was asking you that. A birthday cake comes out.

Happy birthday. Sorry. Lady interest, no. So I think he needs, at this point, you need a new friend group, you need a new crush, and arguably you need a new family. Your mother can stay. What'd you say?

He said, Mom, I'm shirting. Okay, that's good, unsolicited advice. I think it's, yeah, it's unsolicited advice themed at Jason, which is arguably less gross than the actual theme song, which is Mom, I'm coming. Coming, yeah. Is sharting the scientific term, or is that just a known colloquialism? Scientific.

It's scientific. Well, that guy's not a scientist. He's just a drunk person at the show who yelled, Nobama, so... I wouldn't keep on turning to him for advice. He is holding a microscope. And a stethoscope. Holy shit, it's Joe Biden.

Sir. This is a big fucking deal indeed, sir. We appreciate your time. Whoa. Oh shit, you know what? This is programmed in for my play. Yeah, the second scene takes place on an airplane. Forgot to turn it off.

Right, so I don't want to spend too much time on there, but so there's a guy drinking matzo ball soup in a cup, knocked at the door. So he's waiting at an airport bar, and the Jewish deli and the bar are sort of adjacent. He jokingly orders a matzo ball tonic, and the cute bartender lady, it's stupid when I explain it,

but the cute bartender lady actually goes out of her way to make it, so he starts to sip it, and he's like, it's actually not half bad, my plane's taking off. Frankly, I'm surprised there's a door in the scene. Oh, yeah. An airport. Where's the door?

What airport have you been into that had a door? There's never a door. It's all open. Come in. That's him on the airplane. So he's in the bathroom on the airplane inviting someone else to come in? Just in case it's like a mile high club situation. And he's in there, I imagine, sharting.

Yeah, he had sharted. Sharting out the matzo ball suit. Middle seat. Cool. All right. Well, and that's act one? No, we're not even close. All right, cool.

Let's move on from that. What do you think this guy should do now that he's sharted himself at a sushi restaurant in front of his crush? Oh yeah, we turned it into a hibachi restaurant, but that's not necessarily the case. Yeah, but sometimes, I don't know, in my hometown, there's sort of like a mix. Yeah, they just, every Asian culture

they sort of smashed into one strip mall and they're like, all of that is here. Called it a day. Yeah. Korean barbecue meets sushi meets hibachi. Right. And it all used to be an IHOP. Yeah. And you're just sharting willy-nilly.

I don't know if you can come back from that, but like you said, new friend, new lady interest, same family. Let's run it back next year. 19. Avoid the raw fish situation. 19, we do it big. Yeah. No one sharts.

Smash cut to a Chipotle. New crush. Guy afraid to eat anything. Guac is still extra. And that's when the intermission hits. So it's a blackout. We're in the Chipotle, nervous. Wait, this is your play? Oh, yeah.

Sorry. What were you asking me about? I'm just surprised that we went from an airplane bathroom To a Chipotle Yeah It feels like this entire thing is kind of centered around food In a not that intelligent way Like what's the

I was hungry when I wrote it, for sure It's all wish fulfillment This person will rebound, don't worry, Krandis Things get better, you're 18 by 19 No one will remember that you're the little dude that sharted himself next to his crush and his mommy at his 18th birthday party. I'll take the opposite stance. This is the worst it will ever be, and it won't get better. Your nickname from now on is Little Shart Boy at school.

Let's see what happens. Follow-up pup. Let's hear from Krandis. All right, next question. Shall we? We need another guy's hear from Krandis. All right, next question. Shall we? We need another guy's name. Frankl. Frankl?

Frankl. Great. I'm glad that you got that out. You were yelling it over and over again. And it'd just be kind of weird to have gone to the show and screamed Frankl and have nothing come of it, you know? Like, if you had gone home and someone was like, how was the show? Like, it was pretty good,

but I yelled Frankel incessantly, and I was never recognized for the effort. So, Frankel, good on you. Frankel writes. Fuck it, let's choose another name. All right, Gene. Edit that part out entirely. No, Frankel, we already got this far.

I have a conundrum of my own. My girlfriend of three years has recently been texting her ex from high school six years ago, who is still part of her friend group. No big deal. About a month later, she decides to go out of town at her friend's lake house

for the weekend. I got this weird feeling that he may be part of the trip, since he has been around... The plane just landed in my play, that's why I just... Right. So he was in the bathroom the whole time? Well, no spoilers, but yes. He fainted. Okay.

So, spoilers. About a month later, she decides to go to a friend's lake house. I got this weird feeling that he may be part of the trip since he has been around the group more often lately. When I asked her who was going, the ex was not included. After the trip, I asked her who all was there, and he still was not included.

I had a weird feeling about it still and decided to look at her phone. Dick move, I know. When I looked through her messages, not only had she been deleting messages with him, sketchy, but I also found out that he did, in fact, go to the lake house

and he even rode up with her. I also found a selfie of them spooning. Oh. Now I'm confident she would never cheat on me. What's more traumatizing, sharting in front of your mom or hearing you say, I'm confident my girlfriend would never cheat on me

and hearing 500 people laugh in your face? He's just on a bus listening to this. They chose my question. I can't wait until everyone applauds when I say I'm confident she would never cheat on me. You want to listen with me, babe? What about you, babe's current boyfriend? But lying about something this like this is a big deal to me which I made clear in the past is it worth to admit that I snooped and busted her or should

I let it go I need to find the evidence in a casual fashion I did notice that the that his name in her phone is Zaddy LOL. So maybe there's something there. Any advice as to how to handle would be great. Todah. Love, Frankel.

Let's give it up for Frankel. Give it up for Frankel. Let's give it up for Frankel. Give it up for Frankel. So I do respect the confidence. You really, really trust this woman. She is fucking zaddy. But the photo is just them spooning. There was an afterglow tint to it. It could have been a post-coital cuddle sesh.

When do you do something in the casual fashion? Like saying the casual fashion makes it so not casual, right? Yeah. You'd have to get a situation where the phone is face up next to you. And then it's like, oh, who's that? LOL. Whoa, why'd you jump? I mean, I know you'd never cheat on me, babe. I'm just going to undo your phone in the casual fashion.

You change your password. Sweet thing. Why are the iMessages blocked until you log in? Give me your face. Turn to me, lover. It's hard to admit. It's like being a real detective. You can't get the evidence illegally.

That's the hardest part about being the police chief. That's interesting. But you need a warrant to get the phone. I don't know if that's the hardest part about being police chief. I don't know if that's the hardest part about being police chief. I feel like if you're a career cop

and you rise to be a chief, you understand the warrant part. Yeah. Okay, so the hardest part is saying goodbye to your wife and kids every morning. And not knowing if you're going to make it home at the end of the day or something. The second hardest part is to do things casual style.

The casual fashion. Well, here's an idea. So since she is fucking this guy, we've all, everyone can agree on that, correct? By round of applause,

she's fucking him. Great. Guy listening. Bus driver, will you hear the bus off a cliff actually? This is my stop. Everyone tear the bus off a cliff actually this is my stop can you kill anyone on the bus

jumping out but I just think that so since she's lying to him he can lie to her and just be like I want to break up

because I'm dating someone super hot someone I fell in love with somebody else and then she starts cracking up I guess if you're gonna end it you can end it in the illegal fashion,

which is like, I stole your phone. I snooped on your phone. Bad on me. And you were spooning your ex. Yeah. So worse on you. Yeah. But I don't know.

Then, I don't know. You're a snooper. Yeah, but then she can always hit you with that, well, you shouldn't have done that. Yeah, I guess when that happens, it's really just a stalemate, and you're like, well, this is over, so it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Yeah, but you don't want to end it kind of a loser in that regard,

because you're already kind of a loser, because you found the spooning of somebody else photos, the zaddy LOL. This is so sad to me. How does he spoon her now you can't oh okay how about oh so let's lead into the sadness so next time as she's falling asleep he spoons her and he's like let's take a selfie you could get some grilling tips from that sushi kid's mom you know like how did she interrogate her son so hard that he told his crush that he sharted?

Well. Like, what does this guy need to do? That guy just needs to smell shit, I guess, because that's what the mom did. She was a hound dog for it. Or you change your name in her phone to Zaddy LOL. Zaddy LMAO.

Oh, that's good. Zaddy 2. Also Zaddy. Yeah, the Zaddening. Casual Zaddy LMAO. Oh, that's good. Zaddy 2. Also Zaddy. Yeah, the Zaddening. Casual Zaddy. Electric Zadaloo. You're ruined. Financially and emotionally, that much is clear.

I want to give him positive advice, but it's really hard. At the very least, he didn't cheat on anyone, so he's not a bad person. Yeah, that's true. Okay, yeah, let's follow that thread. What else? Kill yourself? I don't know. You can be single, and being single is way more fun than having a girlfriend

who's at the very least spooning her ex secretly, which is bad. Even if she's not fucking him, I feel like spooning, illicit spooning selfie is grounds for termination. Okay, so let me ask you this. How do you break up with someone if you're not supposed to know the reason? You tell them that you're really sick. That's good.

Like a head cold or? No. They wish it was a head cold. Stomach bug? Worse. Tendonitis? Yes. head cold or no they wish it was a head cold stomach bug worse uh tendinitis yes so that's fine it's a little joint pain we can go to physical therapy together no my tendinitis is so bad that i'm gonna die so you don't know what you have then my father's a surgeon it really should be terminal the the disease has to be terminal you also have to you have to i feel like you have to like address another because what if

you are wrong what if the picture is old what if the zaddy is new what if somebody's trolling her you can't just not address it i think you cannot address it bye forever you know why oh what about a good old-fashioned you know why oh yeah they about a good old fashioned you know why Ooh Yeah, they love it And then she's like, it's because I fucked my teacher Isn't it Shart It's that too

Alright, you know why, nailed it We got there eventually Alright, did we get a girl's name? No I want one from back there. Sheila. Sheila? Sheila.

Sheila. Sheila. I heard a Sheila, right? All right. Sheila writes, Hey guys, love the show. I've been a religious fan of y'all since day one. Here's my situation.

I've been dating a boy for a few months. It's pretty decent, I guess. I really do like him. Sounds awesome. But about three months ago, he told me that he really wants me to go on birth control because condoms slash pulling out makes sex suck for him. I agreed to go on it anyway because I think it's important that I'm responsible for my reproductive health even if he isn't willing to be slash care for him. I agreed to go on in any way because I think it's important that I'm responsible for my reproductive health even if he isn't willing to be slash care for me. I've been on it for exactly two and a half months now and this is where it gets bad. Now that I'm on it, I haven't, I have

been having some side effects. For example, I cannot stand the smell of sex. After we have sex, I have to hold my breath and pray that I don't vomit because it's so overwhelming. My thought was immediately after I could take a shower to avoid it so I don't have the scent on me slash can let the room air out a bit. But my boyfriend insists that I stay and cuddle with him, going so far as to call me a bitch if I try to not do that, and accusing me of not loving him. So my question is this. Is it a bit absurd of him to tell me to go on birth control, which I did, and then not allow me to address the negative implications of taking birth control?

Or am I being a really bad girlfriend here? Okay, okay, let's hear the guy out. Jeff! Alright, no, I'll take the guy's position here. Alright, that's cool.

Yeah, no, I think I have a lot of the audience on my side. Wait, is smelling sensitivity a common thing? Some ladies do experience that? Guys shouldn't yell, they don't know. Trust me, I've taken

them all. My woman's never smelled sex before. I know it. I have an IUD. It is funny that he's saying stuff like bitch and take birth control, but he also really needs to cuddle. That's like kind of a sweet bully. Cuddle me,

you bitch is the neediest, meanest sentence. Don't be such a bitch and hold me. Tell me I'm worth it damn, you whore. Damn, bitch. I'm scared to be alone. My self-worth is really tied to your validation, cunt.

Oh, man, yeah, that was a risky one. But we are making fun of an asshole, so it's fine that he said it. No, she should absolutely break up with the guy, obviously. Yeah, that's a natural. That's a bad move. Yeah. A bad move followed by a worse move.

Do you think that you know why applies here at all? You know what? He says, why are you breaking up? And she says, you know why? Oh yeah, that's good. And he'll be like be like i actually don't you're hurting my feelings you slut i don't want to walk through life without a partner or i just feel shitty that my property is leaving me i can't believe anything like this could happen to Zaddy.

Is it something I said, bitch? Tell me if it's something I said you were. Dump that guy. Dump that guy. Dump that guy. We all agree. Maybe a fun way to do it would be to play the chanting part of the show. Oh, yeah.

So you should play this episode on a road trip. And as the chanting begins, you sort of do that jumping out of the moving car thing. Oh, wow. Right onto a truck tire. Oh, it's worth it. This guy is that bad. All right, let's take a break. We'll get a round of applause at home.

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Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd

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Actually, hey, Dave Rosenberg, can you get me a whiskey at the bar, bud? I don't know where you're at, but can you make that happen? Thank you. And a vodka Red Bull if possible. Now you know I didn't like where you're at, but, uh, can you make that happen? Thank you. Bye. And a vodka Red Bull if possible. Now,

you know, I didn't like Amir's drink before. Oh, that's real immature of you. And just a matzo ball soup if you can. Oh yeah. Should we break into act two of your play? You know what? It's usually like this flash mob thing where I'm emerging from the crowd,

soaking wet in like this proprietary paste slash Vaseline thing. Because it's like being a reborn. Because the first act ends with my mother in utero. And it's sort of a way of like combining every generation of the Blumenthal, which is my pseudonym in the play's family. That I feel like it wouldn't make sense to do it right now in that way. I don't think it makes sense in context. You go from an airport bar to an airplane to a Chipotle to your mother's womb,

and then you emerge naked from the crowd covered in fuzz. Yeah. Which makes sense if you have to be in the black box theater that I'm envisioning. Is it a musical? I forgot to ask. it's a Seussical what does that mean

it's like a Dr. Seuss themed musical so it's sort of like okay so it is a musical it's a Seussical you can't read it because it's not written can I hear a song from the Seussical it doesn't have to be oh yeah thank you not written. Can I hear a song? Can I hear a song from the Seussical? It doesn't have to be. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

He has our... Yeah. Thank you very much. Appreciate that. Oh, I appreciate it. Whoa, look at the size of this thing. That's a heavy pour. I guess Dave let us down, but thank you. This is a pint glass of the shit. That's dangerous. If I drink this, I'll

die tonight. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. No, let's hear your Seussical. So you emerge covered in Vaseline, act two. Your mother has just reborn the newest Blumenthal. Yeah.

And you're walking through the crowd. Yeah, and I emerge sort of from the crowd and it's like... You know, because it's hard, because I haven't warmed up, so usually I have a vocal coach on set, and he sort of trains me, and he throws me on stage.

Well, I don't think... We're not, like, doing the whole place. I don't think anybody's going to judge you if it's a little raw. All right, all right, all right. That's totally fine. All right. I feel like I don't want to, like...

I don't want to, like, start it and stop it, and, like, do we have an hour and a half to like, we don't have an hour and a half. We obviously don't have an hour and a half. Yeah. But I'll do like a small, a small little snippet. I want to just do like a couple of bars from the song.

All right. How many bars is the couple bars? I just do like two stanzas, two stanzas, two minutes. Okay. Like two stanzas or something of the song. All right. So I emerged from the ooze. I just, I don't even just do like two stanzas Two stanzas Not two minutes Okay Like two lines or something Of the song

Alright so I emerge from the ooze I just I don't even Sorry don't interrupt me Now it's my fault I feel like I'm gonna start talking You're gonna interrupt me Alright ready

Two stanzas Which is weird Cause I didn't write it in a I'm not interrupting you But I feel like you're not One second I don't wanna Cause it

I was not talking that time It's two minutes of pre-lapse silence And then We're not gonna give you that Just sing Just sing Cause a lot of it is like One second. I don't want to... I was not talking that time. It's two minutes of pre-lapse silence, and then... We're not going to give you that. Just sing. Just sing. Because a lot of it is like spoken words, sing adjacent. Do you know what slant rhymes are?

I feel like it would be a waste. Whatever it is, just go. Fart! The earth explodes a gassy mist. From the Jew emerges a lisp. At this point, the entire crowd is blasted with foam, which we don't have. And then, if you want to hear the actual song song part,

are you okay? Are you okay? Oh, man, I hate it. The rest of it is just the Beatles' White Album, played in full. Close your eyes and I'll kiss you tonight. You know how it goes. You spray the crowd with foam. Oh, yeah.

Let's just try to finish the show, man. We need another guy's name. I think I heard the name Derone. Derone? Did I hear somebody yell Derone? All right, sick. Your father's name. My father.

Right. Cheers. So I met this busty chick from OkCupid a few weeks ago. Huh? We messaged a little bit one night, and I came over, and we hooked up. Huh? messaged a little bit one night and I came over and we hooked up. When I went to her place, I realized that her room is a fucking pigsty. Shit everywhere, papers and dirty clothes thrown about as well as a litter box for her fucking cat. I didn't really give a shit because I'm just here

to hook up with her, right? So we keep this up for about a week until I realized I've had some bug bites on my feet. And I thought, well, this is strange. And I kept hooking up with her for another week or two. More bites ensued. I started suspecting that maybe this girl has bed bugs or fleas or something because her place is the only place i've been spending the night at and one night i swear to god i saw a fucking flea on my knee and i realized that this bitch actually has fleas as i type this i have 30 bite marks all over my body i'm afraid this

can lead to a medical infection Or a disease or some shit Because they're uncomfortable as fuck And make me look like I caught the goddamn bubonic plague Here's my dilemma We already know You should write that in the beginning Also

We haven't banged in a while And I've just been hanging out with the occasional kissing, and she says she loves me. I haven't even shown her to my friends and don't necessarily want to date her. What do I do? Sorry, they've been banging for two weeks, but it sounds like the last week they're just hanging out

in the flea-infested bed, and she's saying I love you to him. I love you all, like, buzzes, fleas, and the biting, and the bed bugs. What'd you say? Sorry, it smells like shit in here. I can't quite hear you. He attached photos of his bug bites, which did indeed look like little red bug bites.

Yeah, he's covered in bug bites. This is a real question. Have you ever dealt with a messy lady before? You're very strictly clean. I am a little bit of a neat freak. There was one time where I stayed at someone's place and they had a dog and a cat and the dog kept on climbing into the bed

and it was a little gross. But I never woke up with flea bites. That feels like a lot. Yeah. I once talked to a girl who... It's not really the same, but she was a lot. Yeah. I went and sucked up with a girl who, it's not really the same, but she was a bat. Right. Well, yeah, so it's not the same

because this guy's just hooking up with somebody that's a little messy and it sounds like you maybe fucked an animal. I didn't say we went all the way. Sorry, so you... I tried to hook up with a bat. Tried? Yeah, well, I was at a a bar i had one of these pints okay and i was under a bridge so were you at a bar or were you under a bridge so i walked out of the bar and i was kicked out so don't say you were at a bar like this story like

it's it's the bat being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was entirely on you. Yeah, it was like a lot of things that night. It was like the bats kind of looked like a chick that was hot, and then I leaned in to kiss. In what way does a bat look like a chick that's hot? I leaned in to kiss the bat. Wait, no, no, go back, because a bat is a small little flying rat. Yeah, it was like,

do you guys know what I'm talking about? No one. Like a bunch of bats in a clump looked like kind of this thick chick. And then, so like, because my glasses were off, I basically got my ass handed to me at a club. Sorry. I didn't realize that you had gotten your ass beaten before.

Oh, yeah. So you had a vodka. So your night was at you. Beaten within an inch of my life. And then I stumbled home because no lift would grab me because I an inch of my life And then I was I stumbled home Because no lift Would grab me Because I was

I thought you went Under a bridge You went home first I tried to walk home And I passed by this What's it called When you drive over a river You already called it a bridge

Yes a bridge You called it a bridge And there was this A cluster What's it called When it's bats Why are you forgetting The words it's bats

Yeah but like You know it's a murder of crows. What's that for bats? A s'more of blats. And I swear to, I don't even believe in God, but on my mother's grave, one of them legit did this to me. Like beckoned you come hither?

No, like fingered my butt. Oh. And so I leaned in for the kiss, which I would never do on a first date. Right, but you'd already been fingered. Yes. So like, ooh, you're going to have to buy me dinner first. I lean in and then. Right.

So you were attacked by bats. Yes, I was attacked by bats. You ruin every show trying to get to the bottom of shit. I'm telling you what happened. You forgot the word bridge. I have to pull all these details out of you. Anyway. Okay.

I had rabies for a year. You were there. You remember. So what should this guy do? Oh, yeah. Well, I guess he doesn't want to see this girl anymore. It seems like two birds, one stone. And his problem pales in comparison to yours.

The STDs? You got rabies. Oh, the bad thing. Yeah, yeah. like two birds one stone and his problem pales in comparison to yours the what do you forgot you got rabies yeah looking up with bats i thought you're talking about the other thing after the last five minutes was just bats yeah i forgot i move on to like the next thing so quickly i thought you were talking about getting funding for my fucking musical which is not a concern. Like I just opened to 500 eager customers who were kind of literally begging me for more. Really? I think so. So you want to do more of your musical?

No, I don't need to do more. I mean, if they want to hear more, I'll do a little bit more. I guess I have a, um, so can we do, what would you say? The opening number or the close?

Like what? Yeah. What's one in the same. They are one in the same. One in the same. I don't understand. Is it fucking freezing in here? No,

it's, it's very temperate. Everything's fine. You have rabies still. Yeah, I was supposed to take like 12 pills today the size of a Twinkie, and I wasn't able to... All right.

Okay. What'd you say you wanted? You... I didn't say I wanted anything. You offered to sing to everybody. Yeah. And they sort of... They gave you that attaboy.

They said you could do it, and then you talked about how you had a sore neck. And then you instantly forgot that you had promised to sing in front of 400 people. Yeah. 500, yeah. All right. It's very self-aggrandizing. So what did you say you wanted?

I want my guitar back there. I don't think I brought it. You didn't. If you have a song that is the opening and closing number of your play... It's an overture, so it's just musical. I'd need my guitar, my recorder. So if you needed two instruments that you knew you didn't bring, you shouldn't have said that you were going to do it for everybody.

Okay, all right. Let's save the notes to the end of the show. Steve Spielberg over here. Here's how you kill two birds with one stone if you're what's this guy's name again darone yeah darone your father he doesn't want to be with her anymore right she says she's in love she's obviously a fly so what you do and you would know because you have hooked up with a flying insect yourself uh either smash her if she's a fly or if she's a regular person,

a pretty person, you say, I'd love to be with you, but I'm very OCD about my being neat and you live in a fucking pig pen. So I don't think this is going to work out. That's, I guess, I mean, that's a definitely, that's one mean way to do it.

You could invite her to your place as long as she doesn't show up and bring the fleas so you like meticulously clean your apartment you invite her over and you're like look at how nice life can be spider webs everywhere

she's probably getting freaked out because she's a fly you're obsessed this is like a Farside comic I feel like You're obsessed. This is like a Farsight comic. I feel like you just like glossed over, you misread the question. She's not a fly.

She's not a fly. She just wasn't clean, right? Yeah, exactly. So, which I think you brought up. That she was a fly? Did you not? I've barely spoken because most of this, most of our stage time,

you've been singing a weird play and talking about how you were molested by bats. Alright. Okay. What would you do, Sherlock? I said I'd clean my apartment and just, you know what, fuck it. I guess swatter, because maybe she has a plot. We can all agree

on a swatting. We have one last question if you guys are okay. This one's about something I'm not completely familiar with. Sex? I'm sorry. No, I know you fucked a bat. I apologize. I forget. I didn't. We got to

third base. Alright. Guy who got the poster. We need a guy's name. You know you didn't get the poster, Dankle. Jeff. In honor of the guy that printed all the posters. Jeffrey Rosenberg writes,

prom time is approaching and I'm quite excited to celebrate the culmination of my high school career. You didn't do anything. Although I had a great time last year, there was a slight problem. When the time came to ask for prom dates, I simply asked my date if she wanted to go with me.

And of course I did so with enthusiasm and a smile. She was both surprised and elated, and we ended up having a great time at prom. Jesus, what could the butt be? However, my friends and hers were not satisfied with my prom-posal and proceeded to tease me for being trite and boring. I don't plan on making the same mistake this year.

And I was wondering if you guys had any cute or coy suggestions on how I should prom pose. Also, how did you guys ask your dates when you were in high school? Thanks, homies. Y'all are the best. Love, Jeff. Jeff Rosenberg. Thank you, Jeff. I didn't even have promposals at my school.

I don't know if it's a newer thing or a private school thing or what. We also did not have promposal. So who here was promposed to? Who here had such a good promposal we can ask you about it? Because we're very confused as to what those entail. Oh, you're pointing to someone who doesn't want to talk about their promposal we can ask you about it because we're very confused as to what those entail. Oh, you're pointing to someone who doesn't want to talk about their promposal. So that's definitely who

we have to talk to. Who here was either promposed? You did an epic promposal that you're now mortified by. Is that what happened? What was your promposal? You filled her room at home? With balloons?

So sort of like a prank? After she said yes, she had to pop 300 balloons? What? You were in the balloons? You were in a giant balloon? You cut your fingers up and put them in the balloons? You were in a giant balloon? You cut your fingers up and put them in little balloons? Was it a helium balloon situation or like balloons on the ground? You got a prom with me?

Sounds like Dave doing Jeff. Sucking on a helium from the balloon. That's pretty good. That's pretty good, filling up a room with balloons. Can anybody beat that in terms of being prom-posed? What's that? Okay, let's come on stage. Wow.

Yeah. Bold. I wonder if this is the prom-posal that happened to her or if it's just her idea for one. Either way, it's going to be a great time. Yeah. I mean, we won't know until we have her. Great job.

Hello, I'm Amir. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hi, Jake. Nice to meet you. I know who you are, too. Cheers. What is your name?

My name is Erin. Okay, Erin. Were you prom-posed to in a specific way, or did this just happen at your school? So this is my brother's prom-posal. Okay, so this is your brother was prom-posed to. No, this was what my brother asked his girlfriend to prom. The basic story is he just made a big old poster

and he was going to climb up on top of the roof of the school and hang this bed sheet that he had painted saying, like, Shannon, will you go to prom with me on the bed sheet. My brother decided to climb on top of the school, which you're obviously not allowed to do. Oh, and I see your brother back there. He's blowing into the tubes in a wheelchair. I know, fucked up.

My brother has an air for the dramatic, so he decided that he should disguise himself when he did this, and he wrapped a T-shirt around his head like a balaclava. I'm from here. You don't climb up on top of a school in D.C. with a balaclava on your head. And he has also rolled the poster up into a long tube-like thing. And of course he shouted death to all because he's like, my haters can suck my D. This is the best proposal of all time.

So my brother is on top of a school with a long tube anabolic lava and the janitors are like, excuse me, absolutely not. And they called the police and helicopters came. This proposal is getting cooler and cooler. Molly, will you go on a date with him? Flowers. I'd also like to add that my brother

was the valedictorian of his graduating class. So the rest of his class was really dumb. And my brother, after all of this, he tries to climb off the roof and he sees police and janitors and the principal of the school and he's like, I don't know what I did. And they're like, well, you can

call your mom or you can do two weeks of community service. And he's like, I will take the community service. Thank you so much. And they never called my mom. Tell her I'm just volunteering for fun. Under no circumstances, tell my mom. And she said yes.

So there you go. That's a very good story. A happy ending. Great job. One more time for, do you remember her name? Erin. Erin.

Erin. Proposals are hard. Yeah. It's scary and nervous. I wouldn't want to ask somebody out in public. That sounds terrifying. Right. I hate that that's the new norm.

Thank God I'm not 18 anymore. Now if I ask a girl to prom, which I've been thinking about doing, but not necessarily committing to. I wouldn't. There's a Jake and Amir where ask a girl to prom, which I've been thinking about doing but not necessarily committing to. I wouldn't. There's a Jake and Amir where you ask someone to prom. It's called prom, right? That's right. You play a 30 year old and you're

going to prom in this video hoping that everyone pours milk on a popular girl and chants moo cow moo. Yeah. So there's that. Yeah. Would you have the huevos to prom pose if you were 17 years old?

No. Back when I was going to, I mean, prom for me was all about just like making sure I didn't go alone. So like there wasn't like a big I ask somebody. It's sort of just like a pact. Like going to prom together is more of just being like, do you want to not go alone together? Yeah. So that's what I did.

It also seems like it would mortify the recipient of the question as well because it's like a public display of affection towards someone who's sort of on the fence about whether or not they even want to go to prom with you. Right. You're on a flagpole with what appears to be an AR-15, but is actually just a sign. Shoot, I'm in love with you, Carol. I bet I can search funny epic promposal fails on YouTube.

Oh, there's got to be a compilation. Yeah, like the guy who went to unfurl the banner and sort of fell and was dangling. The girl says no. So cute proposal suggestion. God. I think the junior year sounds like it was really great. You did it in a friendly way, had a nice time.

What happened? He was teased. The worst thing to happen to a high schooler that college senior gets it yeah our incoming freshman gets it um private promposal i should have thought of this beforehand private promposal yeah what's a good promposal that's sort of private the sharding's not a bad idea you invite a girl to a sushi restaurant, right? I feel like you're running with the sharting and I wouldn't.

Is there like an adhesive that only sticks to shit wherein he knew that so quickly? Another scientist? If you could just shart and the text appears kind of like the printer idea. Oh, that's fun.

Sort of like a magic trick, but like a magic shit. So you go on, you fart onto a big poster. Your parents are there. Your parents, your friends. They have to be there. And then your lady crush.

Yeah, your parents, your friends, your lady crush. And you fart onto a poster and it says prom question mark. Yeah, and it says prom question mark yeah and it's like this green cloud and it was like and you and and the message appears kind of like black magic or brown magic right if you will and then it says cheryl i assume this girl's name is cheryl will you be my prom date i feel like that's too much text for it all to come out of his ass don't you think it'll be like a couple pumps and's too much text for it all to come out of his ass, don't you think?

It would be like a couple pumps and then you sort of shake the poster to develop the film. Oh, so you're like squeezing it like it's a toothpaste tube or something. Yes, exactly. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. I wonder if you can just like, just shit onto a piece of paper

and give it to her and be like, you know what this means. Like she, it doesn't have to say, Cheryl, will you go to prom? It can just be like a smear of shit and you'd be like. Yeah, what this means. Like she, it doesn't have to say, Cheryl, will you go to prom? It can just be like a smear of shit. And you'd be like, she'll get it.

You get the idea. Like I obviously like you. Um, Oh my God. Yes. Thank you everybody. That was a hate gun podcast.