Segments - 378: Sing Along

Episode Date: April 15, 2019

In this episode we discuss adopted siblings, Jake's childhood, and Amir's LASIK.HeadGum Live! Is coming to Chicago on June 14-16. Come hang with us and our friends -- tickets here.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Stop. Done! Don't go, Rose. Not right now. No, you're off script. I'm off script. Ass. Another diss track.

We've been trolled We've absolutely been trolled I hate and love that one That was so good and bad and mean and funny to us It was written by Taylor Who's 19 years of rage He says And he's also on the latest season of American Idol

What? To summarize, in life I wish you the best In chicken I wish you the breast And needless, in life, I wish you the best. In chicken, I wish you the breast. And needless to say, in treasure, I wish you the chest. My Instagram is at Taylor Van Cleave Official. Is it legit? Instagram, Taylor Van Cleave.

Yes. Taylor Van Cleave Yes His name yields New Jersey singers To Hollywood for American Idol A news story Wow and not just to audition Like to be on the show Oh no to open call That's a pass for me dog

Nice Taylor Van Cleave I wonder how many great singers there are in the world That just don't know it because they Never sing Maybe there's a decent amount No I mean not you Taylor Van Cleve. I wonder how many great singers there are in the world that just don't know it because they never sing. Maybe there's a decent amount. No, I mean, not you. You've obviously sung before, and it was awful.

I was just saying. I was just concurring with you. I really do think maybe there's a decent amount. I obviously was talking about me. Oh, my God. That was so bad. That was not even warmed up. Well, yeah, it clearly wasn't warmed up.

It was so much worse than mine. No. Yes, it was. We should do an actual American Idol style. See who has a better singing voice, me or you. We'll let the people decide. Okay. I think,

what did I say? Like I wanted you to sing something earnestly once. Yeah. Like I need a week to prepare. No, I said I needed, it needed to not be funny to me anymore because I knew that I would like,

laugh. I would not take it seriously. Okay. Now I won't either. So singing contest. You gotta, okay, yeah.

Well, you and I will have a singing contest and people would vote for which one did better and what song do you think you would choose I would probably choose a Weezer song since my voice is already kind of

like a Weezer and I would do a Rob Thomas that's cool so smooth or something well not smooth his range. And I would do a Rob Thomas. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Like, so smooth or something? Yeah. Well, not smooth.

It'd probably be like a little bit more of a, like, oh, I wonder what it'd like to be the Rainmaker. No, I'm not. He's not in my range either, actually. My voice is a little, maybe Goo Goo Dolls. What's a Goo Goo Dolls song? Baby's black balloon makes it fly. That's a little too deep, goo dolls what's that goo goo doll song um baby's black balloon makes it fly that's a little too deep too what about oh eyes wide open who's that on door

yeah that's good i don't think i don't think i remember i just do something simple like oh you do kid rock yeah yeah yeah maybe i do like yeah motherfucker like Like, ball with the ball. Oh, you can rock. Ball with the ball. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'd do like, yeah, motherfucker. Like, first I fucked your bitch in the, yeah. West side, when we ride, come equipped with gangs. You claim to be a player, but I fucked your wife, Tupac. So that's not even like a, yeah, that's not really singing.

That's rapping. Yeah. I get that. And I understand where you're coming from. It's not really. And you have a good rapping voice. But if you have a good rapping voice, it's not necessarily a. That's rapping. Yeah. I get that. And I understand where you're coming from. It's not really. You have a good rapping voice. But if you have a good rapping voice, it's not necessarily a singing voice, right? Yeah.

And it's rare that you have both, right? Drake has it. Drake what? Has it both. That's what I would do. I would do a Drake song. Like what? I would do Take Care.

Take Care by Drake? Yeah. Let's hear it. No, I can't. I'm not. I can't Take Care. Take Care by Drake? Yeah. Let's hear it. No, I can't. I'm not, I can't just fucking bust into Take Care. Uh-huh.

No, I, honestly, I can't even think of how it starts. Hold on. Give me a second. One time, you and all your girls

in the club one time. No, yeah, I can't. That was really good. Really? That was like awesome. Were you talking or singing? Because it sounded so clear to me. We both made mistakes, girl.

Like that? Yeah. That's good? That was really good, but that was like a little taste. Like I want like, that was an appetizer. Now my tongue is wet for more. I'll be there for you. I'll care for you.

You keep saying you just don't know. Try a run for that. Stop it. Stop it. Because it's so good. Because you said you have the taste. So bad. You wet my appetite with an amazing little amuse-bouche,

a dumpling that I loved, and then for the main course, you fed me coal. And for that, I am in, dog. You're through to Hollywood. You're in? Yes. Because you gave me something during that appetizer that made me realize,

it's in you, and whatever happened during the the second part and that'll never happen again dog i think i promise you i think dog for you and for me that was a that would have been a pass for me dog but what happened dog was totally different it's not gonna be a pass yeah so for you that was really good wow and for me i would choose um a song that's close to everyone's hearts go ahead um someday somebody's gonna ask you A question that you should say yes to once in your life. Baby, tonight I've got a question. Knock it off.

Knock it off. You're accosting me. And for you, dog, what do you think? You're obviously through to Hollywood, dog. Oh, my God. We're on the search for the worst singers in America. And you're it, dog. It's me, you, and Van Cleave.

It's American Idol, but spelled I-D-L-E. People so stagnant in their music career that they have to be American for it. It makes sense. And you are through to Hollywood for that dog. Alright, this isn't a singing competition. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted

by me. And me. I'm Brandon Jackson. And I'm Simon Crowell. This is our first episode that I hope comes out after we are, we have announced the new HeadGum Live 2019 show. That is correct.

This is our biggest HeadGum Fest to date. We usually go to South by Southwest, but this time we said let's make it a little bigger in a more glorious city. So we're moving from Austin to Chicago. Chi-town, baby. The Big Apple. The Windy City. Not really the big apple the city of angels not the city of angels either austin texas not austin texas oh yeah the different right that was the old one that's not even that's not even like a nickname that was just the wrong city you know about shy town do you think about me now and then

do you think about me now and then? Cause I'm going home again. Baby, we should start again. That was incredible. Really? Could you see the tears rolling down my cheeks? No. That's because I'm not crying. That's because you suck, Mickey.

You can't sing, Mickey. You're a has-been. You never was, Mickey. I want you to go to Hollywood, Mickey. I want you to stare Simon Cowell in the face and sing for him what I just heard. Because once he gets a whiff of that taste, Mickey, you'll want another one. Mix of Mickey and audition. Very good. I love it.

HeadGum Live 2019. It's not only this podcast. It's also not another D&D podcast. It's an ad pod. It is Nicole Byers' Why Won't You Date Me podcast. It is us. It is Doughboys. Wow.

It is Hey Riddle Riddle. It is maybe Twinnovation. They haven't accepted or rejected yet. Yeah, they're a little slow on the uptick, but we're hoping to God they'll be there too. So we're coming with not only us, but so many of our HeadGum friends. The show's going to be big. The theater is awesome.

We could fit like 600 people in there. We're going to have six shows. Six shows over the course of three days. Full weekend, baby. And tickets are just getting announced this week if we play our cards right. Right. So if you go to jakeandamir.com, maybe headgum.com, we'll try to put them as many places as possible.

Yeah. Buy a ticket for our show. Buy a ticket for my D&D show. Buy a ticket for all of the shows. We Hate Movies, I should say, is also going to be there. Come for the whole weekend. Come and hang. It's going to be fun.

And even if we're not performing, we'll be there hanging out. So come on by and see as many as possible. You'll see me after the show, baby. We haven't been to Chicago in a minute. Yeah. I don't think I've been to Chicago. I don't even remember the last time we did a show there. Same.

It's been a long time since I've been to Chicago. It was probably two years ago that we did that. I really hope it's not snowing in June. It's not going to be snowing in June. It won't be snowing, but with the wind chill, it'll be negative nine. Forty-two. Shit. It's just not going to be dreary that day.

And we're not even doing a Midwestern run. So if you're in Madison, Detroit, Minneapolis, make a fucking weekend out of it. Hell, if you're in Austin and you feel like we let you down by not going to South By. Hop on that bus and come to HeadGum Live. Tickets available, hopefully, now. All right, let's see if we can answer some questions, shall we? Yes. Do what we came here for.

About time. This one was written by a lady who's in AP Physics. So we'll call her Sunny, the name of my AP physics teacher in high school. That's right. I took college level physics as an 11th grader. I stared that curriculum in the eye and I say, I want to take the exam at the end of the year.

I want to be graded as such. I am a 16 year old, but my level in physics is so high, it is college level. It is advanced placed. Yeah. I was busy getting a second base in high school. Okay? Really? Actually, no.

But I also failed physics. Huh? You what? I failed physics. You said also. I failed physics. I failed physics, man.. You said also. I failed physics. I failed physics, man. He can't even talk anymore.

I failed physics, man. I actually barely passed the exam. It was quite a hard course for me. Really? I spoke a big game, but I missed a lot of the curriculum. I had acne that year, and it sort of sidelined me. Acne, bacne, and thacne. That is thick bacne.

I had echinacea. I had rosacea. I had euthanasia. That's right. I spent four weeks killing kids in Japan. I had euthanasia. Twice over. But this question is from Sonny.

Hello, I'm a senior in high school, and this year in AP Physics, I got placed next to my friend's brother. Long story short, we hit it off. We have the same sense of humor and are both extremely smart and athletic. He's one year younger, but I don't even relate to his sister as much as I relate to him. We've hung out a few times, and he was the one who actually introduced me to Jake and Amir. Hey. Cool. I really like him, and he introduced me to so many new things and surprises me so often with little

quirks like origami, juggling, and solving a Rubik's Cube way too fast for a cool person. Sounds like my kind of guy. He always says things that make me way too hopeful, like, you're one of the smartest and funniest girls I know, which is crazy to hear because he is usually an impatient, hypocritical asshole who doesn't like most people, aka just my type. But like, what do I do about his sister? Me and her don't talk very much and are nothing alike physically and in person. Oh, sorry. Skipped a line. Me and her don't talk very much anymore, but it is super awkward to run into her while I'm hanging out with her younger brother. Then again, she's adopted.

So it's cool, right? Huh? They are nothing alike physically and in personality, but I knew her first. And I don't even know if he likes me like that sure he snuck me into his house to do acid that one time and we've slept in his bed together but he also hates commitment and seems to not give a shit about a lot of things and I'm cool with a casual relationship but at least let it be a step above just friends

again the whole sister thing is an issue will I ruin their family? I feel like I can't tell anyone how close we are because of all the technicalities. How do I handle this? Not sure if I can keep it on the low. He's a six foot five inch basketball MVP and I'm the salutatorian, musical theater star.

Any help is appreciated. Love your show. Love, Sonny. That's a fucking TV movie in the making, right? Sonny came home. Like, 6'5 basketball star and the salutatorian theater nerd? Salutatorian is second place? Yeah.

That's a weird thing high schools do, that they rank people and give them little names like that. Yeah, second place is funny, because it's just the first loser, you know? I salute you, salutatorian. Not quite the valedictorian, right? No, that person beat you, but second place is pretty good, too. What was your rank at school? We didn't even have ranks. I went to a good too. What was your rank at school? We didn't even have ranks.

I went to a private school. Maybe that's a public school thing. Like public schools literally give you a number out of a number, right? Right. I think that- Like you're 63rd out of 122. You like fully know. Why is that? Why do you think they tell that to people?

Is it to make the smart people feel good and the dumb people feel like they should work harder? Maybe. Maybe for like college admissions. There's no reason to know your rank. Do you remember any of your ranks? I also went to private school. So you never got the ranks? I think, I don't know.

There was like a rumor going around school that there was like rankings, but. Yeah, school rankings should be like private, like a thing that you hear about. It's weird that they print it on your report card. Your individual ranking. My ranking was definitely low though. And then how do they tell?

Is it just purely just GPA? Like just, because there's also like the teacher's list of the hottest students. Were you on that? That's right. I was on that. Yeah. I was the third, it was called the Pudatorian. I was the third ugliest male in my weight class. In your weight class. So they would weigh us.

What was your weight class in high school? I was 115 and under. Jesus. Yeah, I was the Pudatorian and the Scronatorium. Were you not the Judatorian? No, everyone was the Judatorian in my school. They would put us all, there was a scale on stage, and they would weigh us all, they would pants us, and they would see who had the stretchiest sack. And that would make you... I had the tautest sack. Oh, and that made you the punitorian. Yeah, so I was third ugliest, scrawniest, and I had the greasiest skin.

115 with a tight sack and a greasy pimple. Oh, and guess what? I was in AP physics. Failing. Yes. Failing. The thing is I cheated at honors physics, so they upgraded me. What was this girl's problem?

Should I date someone who I'm friends with her sister, this is her brother, but she's adopted. Does the adopted thing play into it no i like how it's like she's adopted they're nothing like physically yeah i figured unless it's just this weird coincidence where you look like the person that adopted you yeah that'd be interesting i think if she says anything he's like he's not even your real brother you're adopted right and then you and the boyfriend laugh and then it's come on don't be a dick to her and you walk away what is this role play so it's two girlfriends huh are the girl like they're friends that's right and but now she likes this girl's younger brother. Okay.

Which happened to you? Somebody dated your sister? Knock it off. Was it an awkward situation? Cool. And if you were adopted, would that make him less hesitant to do so? I guess that it makes sense that that would be in the person who wants in on the fam in their mind. Yeah.

But I feel like to the fam you grow up with somebody it's your that's your sibling you know so it's not really like i don't know how often do you think about like this is my brother we share blood yeah it's more like this is my brother i've known him since i was zero and now're really, now you're at dinner with my fucking parents and I'm here too. And it's weird to me. But at least for me, it was like, I didn't want it to happen because I was like,

I don't want you guys to hurt each other and for it to be weird. But then they dated for a very, very long time and it ended up being nice. I would prefer that I had the two people that I love love each other and be in my life even more. So like if the choice is they hook up and it's weird or they hook up and stay together and get married and that's my family, I would choose the second one.

Well, obviously I would choose that one. And the third option is like you just remain friends and sibling of those three options i'd choose marriage togetherness so i guess the weird thing is that you don't really know what's going to happen if it's going to be the marriage and together or hook up and weird for me it turned out dating for four years and then breaking up so that's wasn't super convenient either that but that option is on the table here it's in play or you can say like oh if i get married to your brother i guess we can both be your parents fake daughter stop being such a bitch i hate this role play yeah it's sort of like bully cosplay. Yeah, but the guy's kind of nice.

Yeah, the guy's like, don't be so fucking mean to my stupid sister. Stop, Sheila, let's go. I've never heard you do this voice before. Sonny, stop being like a little bitch. You're like a chill hero douchebag. Yeah, because he's not stopping her. Right. But, like, he, like, sort of feels bad that he has to, like, tell his girl.

Don't talk bad about my family. Come on. Come on. Let's fucking go. We're going to go make out. Where are they going? Yeah. We're going under their bleachers.

Bye. You're adopted. Shut up. So am I. What? What's the big deal? I honestly had no idea that you were adopted. Why did you need me to have parents?

My gift is my song, and this one's for you. And you can tell everybody that this is your song. It might be quite simple that. Now that is. I can cool it. Just really. You like really have to cool it. Stop being such a bitch.

Come on, Sonny. Let's just go. So Sally can wait. She knows it's too late as she's walking on. Oh. Key change. Whisper change. Oh, my.

So slides away. You're an ugly singer. And it's not just the voice. It's the face you make makes you ugly. You're actually going to make me look back in anger you're gonna make me look look back in anger right now shut up i'm serious uh sonny all right let's take a break we'll be back after thanking a few sponsors thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lififters. Yeah. Visionlifters with a Z and not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name

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Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6. dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back jake do you have any Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Um, no. How about HeadGum Live again? I don't think we said the date. Oh.

So, okay. June 14th, 15th, 16th, I believe. Yeah. Middle of June. Should we go back and edit in the beginning? No, it creates intrigue. I guess we gave people the URL. They could search. So it's mid-June, Chicago, HeadGum Live, our show, your other show, various other friends.

My other show. You just toss it aside. My other show, Jake's other show. It's like your little side thing. My little side thing. The hard one thing. The hard one family hour or whatever the fuck it's called. All right.

Hard one family hour. Not another D&D podcast the fuck it's called. All right. Hard One Family Hour. Not another D&D podcast, and it is not any other D&D podcast. It's the best podcast in the fucking world. Makes this one look like a piece of shit. All right. Sorry. You guys don't have a...

Oh, this is you singing. The sky was gold, it was rose, I was taking sips of it through my nose, and I wish I could get back there, someplace back there. Who made the D&D theme song? What? You guys don't have a theme song. Yeah, we do. It's like this story.

Is it like royalty-free music? I don't know if... Emily makes almost all of the music in that show. So maybe she did it? But I'm not sure if she made the theme song. I think that might have been like royalty-free music that Murph bought. Oh, I see.

But then after that, it's all been Emily. Very smart. I would say maybe I would suggest LASIK as my unsolicited advice, but though this is coming out the week after I got it, I still haven't received it yet. Didn't I suggest it as my unsolicited advice? Yes, you did.

And here I am taking it. That's fucking cool. Of me. Unless I'm completely blinded. So I will wait. I'll feel bad if that happens. If I was blinded. Some people do LASIK one eye at a time just for that fear.

Really? Yeah, they're like, if you're going to blind me, I'm not giving you that second eye, dumbass. Joke's on you, brother. I only did one eye. One eye is blind and the other one is like negative four and a half. And you're like, fine, fuck it. Just try to do the other eye. What are the odds of getting it? If I'm only going to have one good one, I want it legit. I don't want to put a contact in it. In the history of LASIK, done LASIK, One eye at a time because they were so freaked out about being blind. And they were right.

Whoa, you motherfucker. It actually turned out. Better to be safe than sorry, right? Jesus. And I gave it a ride, Doc. Imagine if I did them both, you bastard. All right. I'm not fucking paying you for this one, obviously.

And I need a monocle recommendation. This is so fucking absurd. I'm happy that I was vindicated, but fuck you, dude. I've got to admit, it feels a little good to be right. It's all. You quack. Aff quack. No, I'm going to leave you a fucking three-star Yelp review for that.

And I do the aff quack thing because I'm leave you a fucking three-star yelp review and i do the aft quack i'd be completely i am gonna i'm gonna use my insurance to sue you i said i said i wanted to do one at a time and you kind of giggled at yourself being like this goal from the get-go and so yeah fuck you for not believing in me and then for blinding me and then i have to wear one one contact i can't play catch with my little boy anymore i'm gonna attack you oh don't hold me back let me out of the laser's getting your other eye no no no no no no no that's smart. That hurt me. All right. Stay tuned for how my experience went. Hopefully better than this midlife man with a mustache who's now blind in one eye. A Ned Flanders of sorts.

All right. You have time for some more questions here? Yeah. This one is from an Indian man who we'll call Kunal, our Indian friend. Hi, guys. Kunal here. Hope you guys are doing well and todah to Jake on getting married. I'm in a bit of a sticky situation here, and I was hoping y'all could shed some light on it.

Okay. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and everything is absolutely perfect. But? So not absolutely perfect. Just say things are great. You don't have to say absolute and perfect. People feel guilty as they're writing this. A hundred percent, no complaints except for this one thing.

Did I ever tell you about the one, this is a real non sequitur, and I apologize. Well, let's have at it. This is like, I feel like kind of the vibe of like when you're writing something you feel a little guilty almost as you're doing it yeah um if she ever hears it just know that i said you're absolutely perfect right but i like all right so i i had like i didn't really have a journal when i was a kid but when i was in sixth grade i was like really mad at my mom and i like wrote in a i just like had like a yellow legal pad and i just like wrote this like angry letter like it's like basically my first entry of a dear

diary but i only started this like legal pad because i really had to vent about like some shit my mom was doing i can't remember what it was but i went to town and then the second half was just me like systematically taking everything back. And the one detail I remember is that like my parents were like trying to buy a beach house, which I like vented about in this. Because they haven't pulled the fucking trigger yet. No, because I thought it was so ugly. I wanted to spend the summer like with my friends and I didn't want to like go to the beach every day. And I was like this and it sucks. It's so ugly.

And then two sentences later, like, and I guess it's not that bad. And I love like, and it sucks. It's so ugly. And then two sentences later, I'm like, and I guess it's not that bad. And I love my mom. Just in case she found it? No, just because I felt guilty putting it into the world that I was mad. It was so therapeutic that you did a complete 180 by the time you finished this letter. I can't talk shit about my mom. I love her. How old were you?

I guess I was 12. Oh, pretty solid. Sixth grade. Not yet a woman. Actually, no, maybe it was fifth. I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman. Now we're finding our range.

All I need is time. A moment that is mine. Yeah, but that song sucks. She's so lucky. Oh. She's so. Oh. Shut up.

Cry, cry, cry with the broken heart. Shut up. Thinking. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Hold on. Shut up. I'm singing. She's so lucky. Oh. Shut up. Shut up. Hold on. Shut up. I'm singing. She's so lucky. Shut up. Shut up. And anytime I see her in my dreams, I see your face.

It's haunting me. I guess I'll need you, baby. You know the lyrics are now. I don't. Shut up. Shut up. The only thing that seems to be a bit of an issue between us. Oh, here.

Sorry, I skipped this part. We live together in a small town and I can't get enough of each other, even though we're almost always together. She's definitely the girl I want to marry. She's from a small town in Texas and I was born in India, but grew up all over the world and moved here in 2012. The only thing that seems to be a bit of an issue between us that we have some wildly differing views on certain topics. One of the biggest ones that we always seem to argue about is whether we should eventually get a firearm for protection. I'm pro-gun control and don't want to have a gun in the house,

but she believes that we will need it when we have a family just in case. I also feel strongly for things like Black Lives Matter and support things like Black Panther, the movie, and This is America by Childish Gambino. That's such a light stance. I support this song, but she feels stuff like that and any discourse about race relations like Spike Lee's speech at the Oscars are inappropriate and not everything should be about race and stuff like that. She believes people who, quote, throw the race card at everything are actually racist. I love her more than life itself, but whenever topics like this come up, we have little arguments that make me wonder if these are deal breakers.

Sorry for the long question, but if you guys could shed some light on my quandary, I would really appreciate it. Break up with her. Oh, those are deal breakers to him? They're deal breakers. You don't know what he thinks, if that's fine. I think if you are in a perfect relationship, he's in this honeymoon romance stage and you're arguing over these really, really large issues. Well, let's start with the gun thing. Gun control and racism. This is gun control to Major Tom.

This is gun control to Racist Tom. I really makes the grade. If Jill really, really wanted a gun, would you get a gun? No, no way. Even if she's like, I'll put it in a safe. I would move out before I allowed a gun in my house. Really? I don't think I would be that against guns.

I don't want a gun, but if she's like, I really, really want one and we could put it in a safe. I'd be like, sure, go for it. I'd be—I'd really want a—no, I wouldn't stand for it. You'd say no. A gun in a safe, what is that for? For my protection? Yeah, you hear someone break in, you fucking, oh, get up, get up, get up. Then you go to the fucking closet. Safe opening now.

Shut the fuck up. Spit it twice. Go past zero. You have to clear it. They're already in your bedroom using a fucking AR-15. I feel like for the gun to make sense as protection,

it has to be like, not in a safe. It has to be like, it has to be Bond style under the pillow. Duck taped. Under the bed. You grab it and go.

And then at that point, it's not safe because it's not in a safe. It's a loose gun in the house. Yeah. It's almost like if someone breaks in the house to kill me, I deserve it and I should die for it. Right. And if they break in the house to rob me, then I'll pretend to be asleep until they're gone. Watch this.

But I don't need to get into a firefight with the guy robbing me, right? And I'll fucking pretend like he got me if he shot me. I guess if someone was breaking into my house I would just sneeze really loud so he's like oh shit, someone's home. Shh, shh, shh. Do you have a baseball bat?

I do have a baseball bat. That's cool. Yeah. That's as far as you'll get. Yeah. And I've used the baseball bat. That's cool. Yeah. That's as far as you'll get. Yeah. And I've used the baseball bat. What do you mean you've used it? I've gone to town on some criminals. A pizza man who sort of lost his way. I broke his leg.

There was a Girl Scout incident that I don't want to talk about. There have been times when we heard something and like exited the house with my baseball bat. Whoa. How'd that feel? It felt cool. Like I still didn't want there to be a problem. Yeah. You didn't want to use it.

But I felt like it sort of was like, I hope my cute neighbor is seeing me do this. Oh, that's cool. Cause I look like a badass. You were like just in underwear, pajama pants, no shirt. I was squ wearing a night guard and a nightgown with a stocking cap. Oh no.

Oversized Elmo slippers. My sleeping mask was on. I tripped. I had a little, you know, like the little buttons over my fanny. Yeah.

So I could sit down and take a dookie at night i had that and the flap was open so that what what happened there you sort of you hit your head on the back my noggin yeah you fell down flat the flap came open you started shitting yourself the robber who was a robber not the neighbor by way. It felt so bad for you. He walked in, couldn't help but crack up at the sight of your ass, like a volcano going off. By the way, it's 11 a.m. Nobody needed this to happen. Most crimes will happen when they suspect they're at work.

That's right. You had slept in on that day. I slept in on the day. Do you have a ring cam? No, I don't, but I was thinking about getting one of those. But I mean, now I'm in New York, so I don't know if I really need one. I got a RingCam, and RingCam is starting to socialize its app where it's like, hey guys, take a look at this RingCam footage I uploaded.

This guy's rummaging through my trash at 3 a.m. last night. Post it. Or like, hey, this creepy-looking lady is just walking by my house at 2 in the morning. That seems like it will very quickly become problematic. Look at this young youth in a hooded sweatshirt. What is he doing on my street?

He was trying to sell me something, but I was afraid of his hoodie. But people can upload and comment on this stuff. It's like that Nextdoor app, but as a ring camera. God, I would hate to be in that comment section. Anyway, you should give your girlfriend that app and ask her what she thinks about it. See if she's like, oh, let's upload this video to see if these are just sort of passing ideas that she has because she's from a small town, or if they're rooted in deep racism that she

just can't shake. Because like, he's all over the place. He's like, she wants a gun. Also, she thinks that supporting Black Panther is racist. And also, she doesn't like me listening to Childish Cambino. It's like, some of the stuff she's saying is like, kind of misunderstood. And some of the stuff is like, overt borderline racism right i mean i think i guess like there's some more research that you have to do but i feel like things like when you talk about inequality somebody's saying that you're playing the race card is like textbook thing that racist people do yeah so you ought to be like careful of shit like

that the context clue of being in a small town in texas leads me to believe that there is something there although not all small town people in texas of course have racist uh sensibilities of course that but i think if these things are important to you they're worth talking about in the relationship and and if, like, sure, your relationship seems good if you can't talk about hot button issues, but like you have, those are things that are worth talking about. They're going to come up. I mean, how racist can she be? She might want to marry this non-white man.

That's true. He's a brown man. He's an Indian man. So right off the bat, she's not 100% certifiable, our word. We should do couples therapy. Me sitting in front of both of them. They're both crying at this point. What?

So I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just saying, have a conversation is all. Christ. All right. Another question before we get the hell out of here from another dude who's in a legit pickle. Okay. My little brother is being a douche nozzle, so let's call this guy Micah. What?

Because it's a little brother of yours. Yeah, my little brother's the man. Yeah, but this guy's little brother's being a douche nozzle. Yeah, well, my brother would never be a douche nozzle. Let's call him Amir because you're a little brother to your two big brothers, and you're being a douche nozzle. This guy has a little brother. So do I. He's not the little brother.

All right, we'll call him Jake then. Okay. Okay. Fine. Awesome. I'm in a legit pickle, and I could use your combined Jewish wisdom to help me out. A couple of days ago, I was talking to my dad and found out that my little brother hasn't been turning in his homework on time basically every week. He's currently in eighth grade.

He told me that he has homework due every Sunday. So next Sunday, I decide to text him and remind him. But he tells me that there's no assignment that week. Cut to the next day, my dad gets an email from the school saying that he has a late assignment. I call the little shit out on it because he lied right to my freaking face and said there was no assignment that week. He then proceeds me to tell me how annoying I'm being and blocks my number he has not talked to me in over a month and i'm legit confused i was just trying to help him out because i used this i used to do the same thing back in the day and came to regret it so why is he pegging me as some kind of brotherly douche how do i get my brother to unblock my number? Amir is a chipmunk. Thanks.

Love, Jake. This guy's just trying to do some tough love for his younger brother. Damn. I was just like you, kid. Not turning in my assignments. You're going to block me? Like I block my old man. I don't think so.

I'm not going to lose you. And then like the dad is right there. Be like, you never blocked my number. Right. But that's still like a really cool speech yeah so he could like if it lands it'll have been worth the lie yeah sometimes the land is worth the lie the land is worth the lie that's really cool yeah so see you you could do like a you could deliver a big epic speech yeah that's one option i'm worried about you man even though it's just about turning in homework on time. Right. I don't want you to turn out like I did.

He's like, I don't know, what are you? You're a sophomore. Yeah. Yeah, UC San Diego. It's fine. You got into a good school. Yeah, I turn shit around. Alright, so I'll do that. Like, what I'm doing isn't that bad. Oh. Alright.

Keep learning from your mistakes then i guess unblock my number though because sometimes i want to text you about other shit i have funny memes that i've been collecting i wonder how old this guy is that he is texting his eighth grade brother yeah like if he's texting and then me then it sort of seems like he's not living at home. Like maybe he's in college. Yeah. College to eighth grade situation. Yeah. I think, I mean, with anything like that, you just got to give him, you got to give him space and time.

Yeah, because maybe he's going to learn from his own mistakes. It's not going to work when you just force him to do it. It's what's going to work is like him failing at school and getting detention and needing to repeat shit.

But it is tricky because then like sometimes you have somebody that like needs to learn from their own mistakes and then you sometimes have somebody that like can't help themselves yeah like you know if when you're a father and your son is acting like you acted when you were a teenager are you gonna be like listen boys will be boys he's gonna ditch school and get high or you're gonna be like what the fuck are you doing you can't do that and they'll be like why you did it it's true i have definitely like my parents were very concerned about me often as they should have been yeah when i wasn't doing well in middle school they were like you

have to turn this around like this is like when you get to high school it's it's serious like those grades get you into college. And then I was in high school and I like did bad and they were like, you're not gonna be able to go to college. So like, I don't know what you're gonna do. I wonder if there's a psychological reason you did poorly.

Because you weren't dumb, you just didn't want to try. Yeah. I guess the psychological reason is being lazy. Yeah, but why were you lazy? Right. And why, like why are lazy people still cared and they cheated like i didn't even want to cheat i was just like it doesn't matter yeah why did you because you didn't get it at home so who instilled you with the values of this doesn't

matter um i don't know i don't know when those things happen it was probably like a fucking stray cartoon you read. No, I think it was like when I was growing up, I would never stay in trouble that long. So I got the sense that consequences didn't really matter. So it was a parental thing. Well, I don't want to blame my parents because they're perfect, but if I did bad in school, they're like,

you're grounded for a week. And then that afternoon I'd be like, please, I want to go hang out at Joe's house. And they'd be like, fine. Yeah, fine. Just get out of the house. So they're like, oh, okay. So I can fuck up and still get what I want. I guess because you had like five siblings. Yeah. So they couldn't care that much about you. Right.

It's definitely, I feel like my, like all of the failures of raising me were my own fault for being a piece of shit to begin with you know yeah but to begin with there was sense there was but there were six of us so i really should have taken a little bit of the onus and just been like all right i'll try to do good because they don't they don't have the bandwidth to watch everybody yeah watch this uh liza has the flu. Yeah.

Can I go to Joe's house now? Right. There's like three screaming children. My mom's pregnant. She's like, I just grounded Jake, but he wants to play video games, and he's going to not stop talking until I let him play GoldenEye. So just fucking do it. But I wonder why your sisters didn't act that same way.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess their temperament was just, they were just better people than me. I also wonder if it matters like where in the hierarchy you were born. Like if you had younger siblings, you're more likely to be messed up or older siblings or what. Yeah. Usually older siblings like take on a caregiving thing where like you don't want, you're more responsible. Right.

They could also be a little bit of a cautionary tale. So like even – I was like constantly at war with my parents through high school. Well, not like – I mean it was like fine but like definitely about grades. We'd like argue and stuff. So maybe the triplets saw that and they're like, oh, that seems stressful. I'll just do my homework. Watch this. I did homework and I got an A. It was pretty easy.

Right. I got out of bed when you guys asked me to. Jake screamed at you for an hour. He just sort of yelled and jerked off. I was an example of what stress looked like. What stress looked like. Did you ever get A's like accidentally? You're like, oh, I think I know this story.

I think I told this story on the podcast once, but there was like one semester where like oh I think I know this story I think I told this story on the podcast once but there was like one semester where like the teachers were like my teachers just said that they were gonna give up

or they doubted me or something and I like almost to prove a point I like got straight A's for one semester my junior year that's right

this proves that it's in me and you guys aren't good at motivating me smoking a cigarette you're like some sort of riddler.

You're the joker of high school. I really think, I think the headmaster, like basically we like had a teacher, a kid teacher meeting where he basically called me dumb. And I was like, okay, I'll, and I got straight A's and then I started failing the next time.

Just know that I'm capable of it. I'm not stupid. That's right, I'm not stupid. That's right. I'm just lazy. So here come the Ds again. Like that's its own version of stupid. Because school's not that hard. No.

God, no. That's the best part. They basically give you the answers. Yeah. All you have to do is the effort. Yeah. Everybody wants you to succeed. It's not like school is hard.

Yeah. It's made to be easy so that you do good. But I don't know how you could, but I don't know how you can convince an eighth grader. I think at the very least, being in eighth grade, there's a long runway and you're a good brother for caring about this right now. Yeah, convincing a 13-year-old to do something boring is nearly impossible. Right, but your head's in the right place. Yeah. And you have some time. So just keep an eye on the situation.

Or maybe you unblock and you don't even bring up the homework stuff. Right. So that he doesn't view you as like the annoying older brother that does that kind of stuff. Yeah. He's probably got to start to look at you as a peer and to look up to you for you to give him some nice earnest advice rather than to uh you know force something down his gullet yeah um all right all right that's it that's our time thanks for listening we'll be back of course next week if you have your own questions or uh theme song

submissions send them all to if i were you show at gmail.com That opening theme song was written by... Van Cleave. Somebody named Van Cleave. That's right. Taylor Van Cleave, the American Idol man. And this closing... So vote for him on American Idol. I think just text Van Cleave to 7136, probably.

To Ryan Seacrest. And this closing one is a I Want It That Way cover. Oh, dope. Let me see who wrote it. Oh, yes. Davey. He sent parodies of the Cheers theme in Africa, so he thought he'd throw another one back at us.

We got Davey on keyboards, Mark on guitar and vocals, and Josh on vocals and editing. Toda, thanks to you guys for submitting. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back, as always, next week. For more If I Were You, you can always check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. Every other week we have a bonus 30-minute ad-free episode of If I Were You,

and we also make video versions of it all. So you can check all those videos out. Check that shit out. At patreon.com slash JA, and we'll be back next week. Bye. Yeah We met On Tinder

And she's a winner but there's one problem she gives me bad head she is a liar

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