Segments - 379: Golden Mic

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

In this episode we discuss blurry vision, self-defense, and Jake's newest creation: General Cleanliness.Support the Golden Mic Winner (Jake) by purchasing his very own shirt.https://store.headgum.com/collections/apparel/products/general-cleanliness-teeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com.

That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Damn, Daniel. What do you think about that one? That made me feel cool and sexy as I was listening to it.

You know that was actually Lil Uzi Vert? No chance. Yeah, no chance. You're right. We saw him. Remember when we saw Lil Uzi Vert? No, when? At that weird Adidas pop-up at the row. I don't remember that that was Lil Uzi Vert.

He had seemed so grown up. Yeah, he was big Uzi Vert that night. Damn, Uzi Vert. He'd come a long way. Uzi, you're so big now. Uzi, you're a regular size Uzi. When I saw him, I thought it was a medium Uzi Vert. I thought he was a koozie.

That one who wrote this theme song, his name is Michael. He's been listening, watching our stuff since the college humor days. He wrote us a little Uzi Vert. Oh, wonders the way it goes beat. Hope we like it. We did like it. And if we liked it a lot, we can shout out his Spotify or Apple Music. He goes by the artist name Buku Hanna, and the song's called Something to You.

Okay. It only has 550 listens so far and was hoping to get over 1,000 so I can get rid of that depressing under 1,000 thing on Spotify. Yeah, yeah. Let's double that. Let's double his listens so he gets that, like, the K next to the name. Is that what it is? I've never heard, I've never seen, like, songs on Spotify that have that little under a thousand.

Is it, like, the opposite of a badge? I don't know. Oh, I guess I'm thinking of SoundCloud. I don't know what it looks like on Spotify. Yeah. Anyway, that's what it is. It's called, it's Buku Hanna and the song is called Something to You. Right. So there we have it. Right. I guess he have it. Right. I guess he goes by the name MJ Collegate or Michael.

So thanks, Michael. Colgate? Colgate. I'll go Colgate. Yeah. Collegate was way wrong. That makes sense. He is collegate though. Yeah, he is collegate, but that's unrelated to his name.

This is the first podcast we're recording post my LASIK surgery. Oh yeah. Are you wearing, you're not, you're not wearing glasses right now. Today's the first day I'm trying to wear non-prescription glasses. Oh, wow. Describe them to me. Where did you get them? I got them from Warby Parker, actually.

Shout out to one of our sponsors. No shit. It was actually a funny story. I went glasses shopping with my parents and my mom told the lady working at Warby Parker that I do Warby Parker ads on my podcast. And then I was kind of embarrassed because that lady had not heard of our podcast. But then somebody else at Warby Parker was like, wait, are you Amir? And I said, yes. And my mom was like, see, everyone knows his podcast. And that lady used her friends and family discount on me. Wow. So your mom embarrassing you saved you cash.

Yeah. And what happened there is that my mom clocked that and was like, okay, it doesn't matter if I embarrass anyone anymore. It ended up working. And so for the next however long, now I have carte blanche green light access to embarrass to save she she learned no lesson in fact you learned a lesson yeah your mom will always embarrass you and now she now she's gonna double down that's right time you guys go to like dinner she's like i think we might be able to get a friends and family here. He has a fucking podcast. Yelling at a chef in a kitchen. Hey, everyone.

My jackass son has a fucking podcast. What do you mean you don't listen to buckets? Just holding a bus driver's steering wheel until he pays attention to me. Amir, tell him what the fucking podcast is called. Jesus Christ, it only cost $1.10. Why do we need a discount on that, mommy? Iman, no! I no longer want to ride the public transportation with you, Iman.

Anyway, as it stands, I bought three glasses at Warby Park. We're going to try them out. But I will say that today's the first day where my eyes are feeling almost like I actually have glasses baked into them. It's been a slower recovery process than you let on. Oh, interesting. Well, maybe you just didn't have eyes as strong as Zaddy. Well, what it is is like the worse your vision is, the more they correct it, the longer it takes to heal. So yours was like a very subtle, small prescription change.

It really was like the next day I was fine. Right. Did you have dryness, residual dryness in the morning? No. Like it was, I guess it felt like maybe a tiny, tiny bit like blurry or like a light leak sort of happening, but it felt, there was no dryness. Did you have halos or nasal burning? A lot of nasal burning did you have where your sinuses burnt, where it was like you wake up sort of choking? You had corneal rosacea, I think, right? Yeah, so I broke out in some sort of ocular hive where the rash... You had a receding pupil on the day.

So my pupil had a little leak, and it sort of leaked out onto my eyelid. So it was like a black little, a dark black stain trickling down, almost like mascara running. Like you were crying soy. You looked like you were crying soy. I was beefing soy. And then the way it worked is that the tears would flow up. I don't know if it was like an anti-gravity post LASIK, whatever the fuck, but the black like tar would leak up.

It was almost like a horror film every night. Yeah. Well, cause you had vertigo. You were upside down. Yeah. So I sleep upside down and inside out. I had vertigo, right? That's what, that was correct. I had that ocular rosacea and I had that pupillary leakage. And so for the last, let's see, I got the LASIK

on April 1st. It's the 17th now. Today's the first day where I can smell, hear, or talk. That's awesome. And you're wearing the glasses and... Yeah, Warby's. Nice. really and you're wearing the uh you're wearing the glasses and yeah warbies nice yeah they're called the lucy the lucy because that's that's how your eyes feel in your head i saw i saw on instagram you lost one for a for a moment yeah i lost i lost one popping out i lost one ball entirely and then the other one feel it feels small and sort of like it's jingling around it's like jingle it's like a gumb. It's like a gumball in a, a single gumball in a gumball machine almost. You have one putty eye, don't you?

They lost one and they made you sort of like a claymation eye because you didn't want the glass one. You couldn't afford the glass eye. Yeah, and he sort of, he took the putty out and he like rolled it on the Sunday funnies and then he put it back in. So like where one eye is, there's nothing. And then the other one looks like a spherical, a dilbert comic that's really funny yeah you sound

it sounds like you like are hot now i forgot how to talk i had forgotten how to talk basically so i'm relearning english yeah i had a voicemail from you and you were you were screaming i i thought it was hebrew but maybe it was just i think it it was Latin because I was sort of de-aged. The way the LASIK worked is that it brought me to a point where I was de-aging. So I felt like I was living in 300 CE for a week and a half, but it felt like eternity. And your follow-up was they gave you the little eye exam and then also the doctor did an exorcism? Yeah, so he... He pulled the demons from your from your brain yeah he was

able to like shove a crucifix so close to my brain that like a lot of the demons came out but some of them were just so frightened by it that they they've now like recessed even deeper into my corneal like ridge because i saw i saw on avital's instagram story uh in the middle of the night you were crawling on the ceiling and you turned and you hissed at her but your eyes were just two black holes deep as a well yeah and you saw the veins on my face right yeah I mean I couldn't even see your face

it was mostly veins and eye sockets and again you were on the ceiling you had eaten your dog you ate Luke right yeah I consumed him because the Satan in my head that had controlled me post LASIK told me to do so. And it felt as though his word was God and that I was doing his bidding. Right.

But now it's nice because you don't have to, like, put glasses on in the morning. You can kind of just go and eat. Yeah, so today I woke up and I was like, oh, my God. Like, this is the first time where, like, I can read, like, the clock in my room and I don't have to, like, squint or anything. So that, like, felt really nice. And I was able to like, and I was able to like buy non-prescription sunglasses, which is like a cool little neat thing as well. That's very nice. So like, even though my recovery was a little slow, I'm, I'm happy that I have done it. And I'm, I'm excited to get to this point because a lot of people say it takes, you know, two to four to six, sometimes three months to recover fully from LASIK.

Wow. Yeah. Jeez, that's crazy. So you didn't have like halos or anything? I had. Did you have any like, when you drive at night, it was like a little halo effect? No, my side effects didn't sound like they were as severe as yours

with the demon possession and the dog eating. I did have some like kind of light haloing during the day and some light sensitivity, but it only lasted for a day or two. Yeah, I feared the halos because they reminded me of the angels that were coming to get me. I felt like, for whatever reason, I was like the spawn of Satan in some sort of bizarre way after the LASIK, and those halos represented another angel trying to save my life.

Well, you are the spawn of Satan. Huh? We're not recording a podcast. Zach, the devil is back. Eat your dog. If you play that part backwards, that's what it says.

But I look forward to keeping everyone updated abreast and uh yeah i don't know i don't know how i'm gonna treat glasses yet but um we'll find out together but what is this after all this is an advice show it's if i were you the only freaking advice podcast hosted by two men with perfect vision neither of of them the devil. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we got some good cues today. Your brother's going through helping us out,

trying to find the greatest questions we have. That's right. Mike is on the case. Has he let you know that this is a fun job for him? Is this an annoying job? Is he into it? Is he fast? I think he's good. I hadn't been paying attention but i looked at our like uh good questions tab and he's has there's 300 in there damn yeah damn he's fucking he's fucking doing it yeah but i look and they're all spam right well

he's he's sort of just uh he he's pulling the wool over our eyes he's just invoicing us for hours and hours and hours. Yeah, he thinks this is a good question. Pier 1, 10% off Father's Day sale from 2016. Let's talk about it. No, I don't want to talk about it. Right, let's talk about it. That's not a good question. I'll come up with a name for a Pier 1 guy.

Oh, let's call him Pierre. This one is a receipt from the GOAT app. He bought Yeezys using our credit card. He put that in the good questions, kind of like as a fuck you, I think, a fuck you yeah okay he has us bent over a fucking table hand over fist stealing cash from us and he's leaving i just got a i just got a an alert on my phone from from our bank did you buy tickets no uh no i didn't buy anything tolu no i didn't buy tickets to anywhere you didn't buy tickets to tulum that must't buy tickets to Tulum? That must be Micah.

So I think, I don't know if I bought them, but I think somebody... You know you didn't buy them. Okay, I'm not trying to, I don't want to cover for him too much. You are covering for him. You're standing up for him. I think one of the three of us, either me or Micah bought tickets to Tulum. I'm sure it's for a good reason. No way.

I'm sure it's for a good reason. Yeah, the good reason is that he wants a vacation. Oh, here's another... He probably needs... Here's a good question email. I'll see you in Tulum, motherfers so he's right he's taunting us he's taunting us i just got a i just got one with yeah it's his flight information yeah he put it in good questions i don't know why he's doing this okay so he did buy three tickets one for me you and him uh but he's the only one on the plane right now i guess oh the flight's taking off he

wanted us to pay for his flight but we couldn't make it because we didn't know about it until it was too late. Yeah, that's why it's a write-off. It's not a write-off. That's good. It's a write-off. It's not a write-off. I'm happy for him. I know you are, and I'm sad for us.

Oh, here's an actual good question he found. All right. This is from an Israeli man, so it seems. So we'll call him, I don't know, what's an Israeli name? Edan, E-D-O-N. Edan writes, I'm a 25-year-old man, and I have a son who is four, whose mother is, and I, whose mother I was engaged to up until recently.

We signed up our boy for MMA classes, Haganah, an Israeli self-defense forces training. Six months ago, as a way to build his confidence, meet other kids, stay active, and he's absolutely killing it. Making new friends left and right, learning to kick ass along the way. I've never felt more pride than when I'm watching him fucking throw down, but that's not where my problem is. His mother, my then-fiancé, sucked his sensei's black belt dick after a practice I didn't attend about a week ago. Then told me about it over ice cream that night after we put our son to bed. So the fiancé told him about it? I can't tell if, yes, yeah.

But I don't know if it's like they were broken up and this happened and they were like friends. I think that's more the vibe. Got it. Obviously, I was blindsided and I lost it. Packed my shit and left that night only to be forced to come face to face with this literal motherfucker three days later at practice. I approached him after the class while my son was playing with some of the other kids and I told him I knew. And I asked him, what the fuck dude he answered with a smile and uh what are you gonna do about it i didn't say anything and quickly left with my son seriously what the fuck am i gonna do about it my son take my son away from the thing that he loves ignore it and have to watch this guy teach my boy different kicks while

knowing he also kicked a load into my ex's throat oh my god uh or do i try to go toe-to-toe with a guy who's a black belt israeli armed force trainer motherfucker fighting machine my son has another class this week that i'm taking him to and I'm panicking I don't know what to do and Amir's a chipmunk thanks whatever name you decide so I guess he's not Israeli but this MMA Haganah teacher is

that guy is definitely has thick eyebrows a bald head and is stacked yeah he's hairy and jacked for sure he's hairy everywhere except for the top of his head. He could fucking throw down. There's nothing like a guy who's stronger than you

teaching your son how to kick your ass. And nutting into your wife's throat. His words, not ours. Right. Oh, God. This is a real emasculating situation. Right. That's like my biggest fear is like standing up for myself and someone saying, what are you going to do about it?

Yeah. Especially if the other guy is stronger than you. I already did what I was going to do about it. I was going to confront you. We're going to have a war of words. I thought you'd like fear that I was strong too. Yeah. I felt like you might instantly back down but if it's gonna

come to blows i'm i'm frightened of that outcome fuck it let's do it the old-fashioned way who has the more who has more twitter followers how about a battle of wits quick give me a topic and i'll wax philosophical or write a limerick of it i think i can make fun of your occupation because while you're strong you can't be making much more money than i there once was a man who fucked my wife he tried to ruin my life he kicks you in the shins. Ah! Take down. Oh, Danny, look away. Daddy's hurt. Yeah, I think that it was already the ex when this started is my theory. Yeah. It would seem that if it's straight up the guy hooked up with your fiance't that just doesn't seem like what's happening

yeah yeah yeah it seems like they had broken up now they uh still hang out for the sake of the sun yeah and i guess the wife was kind of trolling him saying by the way i uh i blew the sensei uh i'm blowing the sensei is really if like this guy did anything to fuck up the relationship that's a really really good way to get back at him my god isn't sensei uh i feel like that's specifically for like martial art asian martial arts i don't know if like an israeli self-defense guy is called a sensei what are they called i don't know i just always assumed sensei was like karate jiu-jitsu right i don't know what the sensei would be in israeli that's your native tongue though yeah i guess unless everybody else just stole the belt system they stole the geese they stole the

blacks yeah they took everything and then they just called it, what is it called? Haggadah? No, not Haggadah. Asshole. You piece of shit. Krav Maga. Krav Maga is a type of Israeli self-defense. This one is called Hagganah, which is very close to Haggadah, which is very close to Passover. It is close to Passover.

By the way, what are you doing for passover i forgot to ask i got two passovers and easter this weekend wow joy of being uh in an interfaith marriage so you got you got the seder friday you got the seder saturday friday and saturday seder you got the easter sunday easter sunday why don't you put a little Easter egg on the Seder plate? How's that for interfaith? That's nice. Is chocolate kosher for Passover? It is, yeah. Okay.

You can have like chocolate matzah. Yeah, so it works. So you got the candy eggs and then you got the bitter herbs. You got the basket full of candy and then you have parsley. Easter is the strangest Christian holiday, just in terms of like the traditions. Like it definitely makes sense like what it is, what they're celebrating. Jesus. But like, yeah, like why on earth Easter bunny and chocolate eggs?

You got to appeal to the kids, I think. Truly makes no sense. Yeah, I think it's like kids are like, we don't want to learn about jesus and like well i will say that there's a bunny that gives you a chocolate yeah christmas is it's jesus's birthday you associate birthday with presents and so like it that one just it it tracks i know there's a fat guy from the north pole with reindeer and that's a little out there, but it still makes sense to me. You have no notes.

No notes. Santa lives in the North Pole. He has a bunch of elves working for him, and he and his wife make a list of naughty and nice people. Green light Christmas. That's easy. Ship it. That's easy.

Done. Done. Giant bunny dumping eggs for celebrating the day that Jesus came back from the dead? That one's harder. That one's harder. I can't quite wrap my cock around that one, Jesus. I'm sorry, your honor. I got a good one. I got a good way for him to get revenge. Oh, please. You got to act like you don't give a shit okay and that's it so the wife's like i blew the sensei and then you you sort of laugh you like act like really the fucking sensei nice sheila real fucking classy oh god holy shit what next are you gonna eat out

our freaking librarian nah you're you're fine whatever i don't care yeah i'm gonna get another sunday sheila hey this one maybe i'll have it with nuts oh the problem is this guy already got upset packed up and left so it's hard for him to pull back around and be like, psych. And confronted the teacher. I think he's got to go to the other. The only way he can come at this guy is to ruin his business. Okay. Okay. So he's not going to be able to take him out at the knees literally. But figuratively, you go around to all the other children.

Or the other children's parents' type of children. You know that guy blew my wife, right? I'm for it. Tyler, Cindy, Connor, come here. Come here, you little, you tiny little munchkins. Let me tell you what your sensei did. He's actually not all that wise. That black belt actually hides the cock he shoved down my fiancé's throat.

Oh, my good lord. No, you go to the other parents, and you say, I don't know what to tell you guys, but this guy, he had an affair with my fiancé. And then he bullied me. So I think we should go to another Hagana studio. There's what, just 12 miles down the road, and I think there's a Muay Thai clinic across the street, which I've been reading lots of good shit about. Also, I think I'm going to give this guy a two-star

Yelp review. My son left the hell out of it, but my wife blew him. You know, Sheila, we were all at ice cream the other evening. Did you notice things got tense between us? I left You know, Sheila, we were all at ice cream the other evening. Yeah. Did you notice things got tense between us?

I left my milkshake on the counter and I stormed out. That's not like me. You guys know that. I'm usually cool as a cucumber. The other thing you could do is enroll yourself at another jujitsu or boxing studio in your town. then next time he says what are you gonna do you just drop him because he doesn't know that you've been training yeah that's like the sitcom answer you take your own self-defense and you challenge him to a fight all right you might not win but at least like own it like no holding your own a little bit he'll respect you yeah is it more

respectable to fight and lose or to not fight at all i think to fight and lose is more respectable that's cool but like to to not fight at all it's i think to like walk away entirely is less respectable but like to walk away and form a new plan that's that's respectable like you know you can't win when a black belt is like what are you going to do about it so you have to kind of go off and be like what am i going to do You know you can't win when a black belt is like, what are you going to do about it? So you have to kind of go off and be like, what am I going to do about it? You can't just, but you can't just do nothing.

This is funny. Good luck, dude. Yeah, there's also the notion that if they are broken up, it's fine. So think about that too, I guess. Oh, yeah. That's probably more than likely. That is kind of how he described it. So get over it.

Yeah. All right. Well, this guy did act like a dick. All right. Anyway, take a break. Let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back on the other side after this.

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Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than I thought. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Oh yeah, baby.

Well, sort of. It's really only sort of, but I've been very, very into the show Queer Eye lately. And I highly recommend it. It's so good. It's so good. Everybody's already, I'm like the last person to discover it,

but you haven't watched it. I saw one episode and it was very sweet. It was a Southern man who was large, who got a nice little makeover to go after his old sweetheart who wasn't quite interested at the beginning of the episode. And was she at the end? At the end, she wanted to give him a date. That's really nice. That's really nice. I've been watching season three and every single night I am crying. It's so touching, and I love the show. It's great. And are you crying because these people

are in desperate need of a makeover, or are you crying because you're realizing that you need to groom yourself in a different way, and you just haven't even thought about moisturizing in that specific way? I'm mostly crying, yeah, because I'm 33, and I only learned what a French tuck is. You think you're going to pull that off? I think I'm definitely going to start doing a French tuck. Wow. For sure, I'm going to start doing a French tuck. With a French

tuck, does that mean you have to wear like a jacket or a blazer that covers the back of it that hangs down low? No, I think that you can like remove the shirt and have like a French tuck t-shirt. But I don't know. I'd have to ask Tan. Maybe I'll write in to him. Tan, quick question. Hi. Yeah.

No. Hi, Tan. New fan. I'm fairly stylish. I just, I'm curious about this whole tucking your button up into the front of your jeans situation. I'm willing to hear Karamo's answer as well. Do you think you're going to upgrade from a t-shirt, jeans, hoodie, style clothes?

Since I've been in, since I moved to New York, I did, I like spent the winter trying to be a little more like style conscious. In LA, you just wear the same thing every day because the weather is always good. So you don't really, I never really thought about what I was going to wear. Like a cool jacket.

Yeah. So here I definitely have been thinking about wearing different jackets and shoes. But I've like, as the weather's been getting warmer and nicer, I've been kind of reverting back to just t-shirt and jeans. Yeah. But most of the time I don't usually wear hoodies. I usually wear like a collared shirt. That's nice time, I don't usually wear hoodies. I usually wear, like, a collared shirt. That's nice.

But I don't know if that's, like, fashionable. Fashionable now is, like, that kind of, like, street work wear, big baggy pants that are, like, cuffed. I don't know if I can do that. That's not me. Yet. Yeah, I don't know. Would you ever wear the baggy pants? The baggy crop pants?

I mean, I assume I'll do everything that society eventually gets to. yet yeah i don't know would you ever wear the baggy pants the baggy crop pants i mean i assume i'll do everything that uh society eventually gets to i didn't think i'd wear tight pants i got tight now it's going looser it's going box cut it's going straight leg so i assume i'll do that eventually it's really yeah crop pants cropped loose pants is like in i just don't know if i can't i can't imagine doing it. Isn't it? I guess I will. I remember thinking that like all the way, buttoning my shirt all the way was a bridge

too far. And now you can't stop. Well, I don't do it anymore. But like, yeah, now like that seems like the least offensive fashion thing to me now. Yeah. And then what kind of, are people still wearing really loose t-shirts with those, even though their pants are baggier or the t-shirts now getting tighter? I guess it seems like the t-shirts are getting normal.

Jackets are big. Yeah. I've noticed a lot of really, especially in women's clothes, is this a jacket or 20 yards of fucking fabric that you sort of shawl over yourself? It's like Game of Thrones chic. Yeah. It's a lot of fabric dangling down to the floor. The looser, the cooler.

Japanese street wear has me wearing a sarong and a bathrobe. And a little bit of sleet, though. With a little bit of sleet, though. So it's always snowing around you? Wet sleet, though. So it's always snowing around you? Wet sleep, bitch. All right. We should also mention that our show in Chicago is getting close to selling out. Yeah.

So another bit of unsolicited advice is to grab tickets to our show. Twinnovation is sold out. Doughboy is sold out. High and Mighty is sold out. These shows are going fast. Nadpod's almost sold out, too. We're close to selling out. I think we might sell out this week.

So go to headgum.com slash live or jakeandamir.com to get tickets to all those shows. We're coming to Chicago June 14th, 15th, and 16th. It's going to be fun. Yeah. Great weekend. I cannot wait. It's going to be awesome.

All right. We got another question or two to get to. This one is from an American man who had the word CrossFit in his email. So why don't we call this guy, God, Blanco. I remember taking CrossFit years ago and Blanco was the most jacked instructor.

Oh, cool. Blanco, isn't, that's from like Street Fighter. Oh yeah, no, that's Blanco. Oh, okay. This guy was Blanco. And Blanco writes, long story short, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now.

We've taken several trips together, gone to Vegas a few times, but somehow she's always evaded the idea of me hearing or knowing about her shitting. Obviously, I'm not one of those guys that thinks girls don't shit. I'm not a fucking idiot. But let me continue. One day recently, she came over to my place for a chill evening in. When she came over, she said she had to head to the bathroom, but that I can leave the TV on. So I left the TV on, and a few minutes later, I realized that she was definitely going number two.

But, pun intended, she left the bathroom and didn't bother to make sure everything went down and stuck all over the inside of the toilet. She probably had a bad burrito or something. I don't know. So here's my dilemma. I went in to pee a few minutes later and I saw shit all over and I was like, duh, fuck. We are considering moving in together to my place. I've been to her place and it's a shithole, so we're not going there, but I don't want my place to have shit-stained toilets like hers. I don't know how she can stand it at her place. Do I bring this up to her? How do I ask her nicely to clean up her literal shit after she takes a dump? I ended up using my toilet cleaner right on the spot where I went to pee just because I'm a clean freak and whatnot. Long time fan, help me. Y'all save my week every week. I listen to your podcast on

Monday morning commute and it makes it not suck as much. So thanks for that. Yeah. Wow. Do I bring up the fact that she has to clean up after her shit? I don't obviously know. Like, of course, you don't do that. Right. But yeah, she's probably very, very sensitive to this whole shitting issue where she's like you can leave the tv on i'm just gonna go to the bathroom and then you go in 30 seconds later there's shit on the ball there's shit all it's definitely not worth bringing up days later. Like you can't, you can't let something stew and then be like, I'm going to finally say something. It's, it's, I've reached a breaking point because then you seem insane. You've been thinking about like a tiny little shit smear for like a week.

You do have to call it out right from the bathroom as it happens. And if you miss that window, then it becomes weird and it's your fault. Don't let the poo stew. You can't stew with the poo. Don't stew the poo stew you can't stew with the poo don't stew the poo follow up if you guys actually move in together i don't think that this problem like prevents that from happening obviously yeah if you move in together and she's constantly leaving the bowl smeared then as a roommate you can be like hey wipe your shit but you don't have to say it for the one time that she shit at your

place because also just doing it once doesn't mean that that's a habit you've been with her for a long time taking trips and this is the first time it happened i feel like she's probably shit around you before yeah or you could do it in like a cute way so it's not like a rule you can just be like i smell a doody you left a little skid mark in the bowl. Whee! I mean, yeah, that's definitely one way. That's really cute. That'll...

Pee-oo! I don't... Who's my little stinky queen? Who's my little stink queen? You forgot to clean the bowl bowl is You forgot to clean the bowl bowl You forgot to clean the bowl You forgot to clean the bowl As you're shitting on the

Shitting on the kitchen table And this is what happens to dirty little girlfriends Oops Now I made a mess too shiver Poops I Shitted again On the bowl Oops! Now I made a mess too, Sheila! Poops, I shit it again on the bowl. Shit it again with your fart. No, you do have to clean the bowl, obviously.

Just going forward, that's why we have that giant Q-tip situation. Sheila? Yeah, I would think that I would be afraid to bring it up days after like you mentioned she's probably very sensitive scared ashamed uh but this is you know i'm sure she wants to be as clean as possible she didn't do it on porpoise nice she didn't see the skid marks and was like yeah whatever the fuck do you ever use do you ever have to use that uh the what's that thing called the toilet bowl cleaner oh like the the toilet bowl brush yeah the brush uh yeah i used i mean are you using it as like a bi-weekly cleaning or using it to like actually like get off some of the the the bowl duties i guess i both, but probably more so the biweekly cleaning.

It's few and far between that I have to use it to clean off shit. I feel like I can usually do that with pee. Oh, yeah. You just sort of treat it as like a little carnival game, using your pee to chip off the thing. That's right. And then after you use the brush, where are you cleaning that? Is that like in the sink, in the the shower you're doing that in the bath i don't i'm done answering these

questions yeah a lot of people just flush the toilet they clean it with like the fresh um toilet bowl water huh they uh you use the brush and then they flush the toilet and then it's like all right now let me clean the brush with the clean toilet bowl water oh yeah yeah yeah you don't do that yeah yeah yeah yeah you ever get the uh the toilet with like clean toilet bowl water oh yeah yeah yeah you don't do that yeah yeah yeah yeah you ever get the uh the toilet with like the what is that blue thing like the blue little syrup that sort of it gets washed into the bowl every time you flush it the blue ever remember those i feel like those used to be a pretty popular thing it feels like you're like bombing at stand up or something do you guys remember the what is it what else what else um the box yeah you and you

guys you ever you ever have a roomba yeah remember those the the they they go around they clean the floor blue syrup those first came out um flipping through a notebook what else what else sorry this is just a suicide note hold on all right here we go it's called 2000 flushes is everything okay yeah no i'm fine uh i'm good hey no heckling yeah no heckling or i'll end it on stage um why did i come here i did i haven't seen the blue bulls that much anymore i wonder if those were considered like uh bad for the environment or something. Oh, I could definitely imagine that. Was that like something that the toilet water would refill blue? Yeah, it was like that's what it was.

When you flush the toilet water, it would come out clear, and then there would be something in the bowl that would turn it blue, and that's how you know. Seep it blue, and that was it getting clean. Yeah. That definitely seems like it's really bad. Yeah. But I don't know why.

Yeah, because the ocean's already blue. I mean, how bad could it be? And it was a really nice blue. That was a cerulean. It looked like a Bermuda Beach blue. I mean, I wanted to, I literally would dip my toes in it and pretend I was like in a white sand beach. Oh yeah. I would splash my face with it and just be like, oh man, to be, to be in the Caribbean again.

To be blue again. It's a pirate's life for me. I feel like a good gag gift would be, it would be a brown one of those. It'd be a good like gag gift. So like every time you clean your, you flush your toilet and it's clean, the brown instead of the blue plus bleach. So it's still clean, but it looks brown. Yeah. Like a prank. That'd be a really funny prank to play on your roommate. Yeah.

Like every time they flush their toilet, it would just fill up really, really nasty brown. Yeah. Or like golden. So it looks like chicken broth in there. So you flush the toilet, it's chicken broth. You plop in a little, a little matzo ball in there. So it looks like every time I took a shit, it was a little uh a little matzo ball in there so it looks like every time i took a shit it was uh it was a matzo ball you cut up some carrots celery some onion i really you would love to drink out of a toilet bowl it was like yeah like egg noodles with like it was

like a hot toilet bowl with matzo ball soup i feel like if we produce something again you would like us to have a like a perfectly clean toilet bowl with really clean water and you could drink out of it like as as a set piece just so you would have like that feeling is that accurate would you like to do that what the fuck are you accusing me of right now i just think yeah we shoot something again do i want a toilet there i can drink out of is that what you're obviously preoccupied with it yeah yes yes of course i would like to drink out of a toilet next time we shoot something that's why is that considered like why is this gotcha journalism i'm admitting to it i want to drink out of a fucking toilet well a prop there a prop toilet right a prop oh yeah

what is that like a? Like a fake toilet? Oh, no. That works too. Where are you right now? I'm on a tub next to, yes, a bowl. And you're not eating or drinking anything from it, are you? I'm having a sip. And I don't think it's illegal.

Sip of what? Like a LaCroix? Or like you're drinking from the toilet bowl yes like a lacroix out of the toilet bowl i'm having soda out of the out of the bowl you poured a lacroix and what at least is it a good flavor yes it's a fine flavor it's fucking grapefruit pomplamoose flavored oh that's the best one yes all right and i'm bobbing for i'm bobbing for little nectarines at the bottom of it why are we like turning this into like this huge fucking witch hunt this witch hoax it's not a

hoax you're saying that you're drinking out of a toilet you said you're bobbing for nectarines it's a fucking witch hoax it really is a witch hoax it's a witch hoax it's a fucking witch hoax or a hoax a witch hoax yes witch hoax witch hoax which hoax are we talking about which hoax nice there you go there you uh don't bring it up um you could still move in with her and then you can disclose your affinity for keeping the toilet bowl absolutely clean uh whether or not she's left shit stains in it, which probably won't be a recurring theme. Yeah.

Though he did say that her place is kind of a shithole. So like, if you talk about moving in together, you could talk about general cleanliness and you don't have to be like, by the way, you left a shit stain on my toilet bowl. That's good. So you say, oh, it's time we should talk about our third roommate. And she's like, wait, what? And he's like, I live with someone named General Cleodliness. Hoorah!

All right, at ease, soldiers. Salute thee! I'm going to teach you a thing or two about toilet bowl maintenance, maggot. It's time for your basic training. I am General Cleodliness. I do really prefer that the toilet bowl doesn't have shit stains all over the inside of it. And you will drop a gimme 20. I don't know what I've been told.

Someone left a streak in my bowl. Nice. Thank you. Sound off. Number two. That's good. That's really good, actually. I know.

It's like, that was like fucking sleeper good, but like, damn. That's low key. Jake Hur was with the golden mic this episode. At the end of every episode, we have been giving each other the golden mic for the MVP. So I think this episode, what number is this? 378 or so. So I guess for number 378, I will be taking home the golden mic for the episode. Have I ever gotten a golden mic, do you think?

I think in episode, there was one episode where I didn't. One episode? I think in the early days. Early days? I missed an episode, and you hosted with Ben, so that was an episode where I didn't take the golden mic home. I asked you if I've ever. Yeah, you've never.

No, of course, you've never taken it. And you've went back and retroactively given out a golden mic for every single episode and you've won it for every episode except for the one episode you weren't in. And then the one episode that you weren't in, Ben got it. I honestly... Every single episode I've ever listened to,

I have the line of the episode and it's like crystal clear that I deserve the golden mic. I have 377. Ben has one. And how many do I have? The golden mics, which is just given to somebody that had a funny line that episode. Do you think I've ever had a funny line?

Because it's not saying you never had a funny line. I didn't say you never had a funny line. You think I'm 0 for 377 and having the funniest line? 0 for 378. Yeah. That's worse. By the funniest line. 0 for 378. Yeah, that's worse. By the way, I think you're funny. I think you're funny. General cleanliness was my joke, by the way.

You just, I did it for like a minute and then you said, I don't know what I've been told. I want my toilet bowl. And then that got you the golden mic. Do you think that I deserve it a little bit for coming up with general cleanliness? No, I think this, I think this, that definitely, you can't have two golden mics. I don't think you didn't do anything.

I don't think you didn't do anything this episode. I think you're really funny this episode. I thought I was really strong. I thought general cleanliness was like actually really good. Yes. I thought you had some really good stuff. That was when I came up with general cleanliness was like actually really good yes i thought that was me that was when i came up with general cleanliness i know but i really elevated it to the point where it was golden mic worthy and before that before that you came up with it i'm not saying

you didn't come up with it i'm saying we came up with it give me the fucking silver mic then like i want you have 380 fucking trophies there is no silver i would give you this you absolutely if i didn't do this episode and you had to do it by yourself, you'd have the golden mic. That's how funny you were this episode. You did a really good job. I don't know why you're upset. I'm upset because you've declared yourself winner, which is this whole podcast has not been a competition up until now. And you've declared yourself winner of every episode. Not every episode.

Ben, how do you? No, no no sorry every episode that you've been in you think you have the golden mic best fucking line of the show and i don't have anything mvp it's you know it's not that you don't have any you've done a lot of episodes of this podcast you didn't you're a really great co-host i don't i feel like you think i'm attacking you you are not i'm saying you're awesome. I came up with general. You're the man, Blumenfeld. I came up with general cleanliness.

We both came up with general cleanliness because that was like. No. No way. That's like shared IP at this point. No way. So I might do like a general cleanliness. Shirt? Like a shirt like merch.

So I'm going to sell a general cleanliness tea this is fucking so beyond fucked for you to sell to cut me out of the merch game yeah i by the way i was the one who said well i came up with it do you feel like you you feel like you should be able to sell my ip yes i don't think that's fair i think you're i think you're a really good co-host. I think you're awesome at the podcast. I wouldn't be able to do it without you. Thank you. For real. Thank you.

For real, for real. Thank you. But I think when it comes to funniest lines, MVP status, golden podcast awards, like golden mic awards, that's kind of like my, that's my game. That's my shit. And that's where I am. That's the level that i'm playing let's and i think sorry i'm trying to like you're not letting me say one thing

can we at least like open up can we open it up to the public where like people can vote on who they think is the gold deal like if you think that you're it's so unequivocal unanimous that you've won every single one. Not every single one. Not every single one. I don't know why you keep on saying every single one, because Ben won one. Okay, of 380, Ben Schwartz won one

of less than 1%. You've won 99.7%, and I've won zero. Not one of them. I'm saying, let's let the audience decide. maybe there's someone out there that disagrees with you maybe our fans but i've won the golden mic for one episode yeah if there's an episode where everyone thinks that you won the golden mic i'm willing to review that i'm not willing to concede it i'm willing to talk about it i'm willing to revisit that episode so

will you revisit it this week will you revisit it this week if they all say on the general on the general cleanliness i can't i don't think i can let that one go because i stand to make a lot of money off of the general cleanliness merch yeah yeah the t-shirt the cartoon the song the song and i think i might i'm gonna do a book what you're doing i just feel like well general cleanliness is a really fucking cool character all you said all you said was general cleanliness i turned it into a character i did the song no yeah yeah you did the song that's my ip and honestly i would share if you had gotten the golden mic this episode but i have the golden mic so i just don't think it's worthwhile yeah all right all right yeah that

makes sense all right cool i'm really happy that we do this podcast together i think you're super funny and i think you're awesome man thank you all right let's let's call it here because you have to edit this and post it and promote it on twitter and instagram and stuff you have a lot of work to do you have a lot of work to do but yeah um it's passover so i might i have to like let's get it up let's try to get it up today yeah yeah all right yeah yeah okay i just yeah i have to yeah all right you'll spend time with your family i will no yeah yeah i just i was gonna say that i was gonna i'll spend time with that family afterwards i gotta let's call it here i like that let's call it here i think that's a

great idea i got so you're saying that you want to do work and that you've got to get it done before your family time and you want to call it here. Yeah. Awesome. I agree with you. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. If you have your own emails,

what's the email address again? I don't freaking know, man. It's a, if I were your show, gmail.com, theme songs, emissions.

Do you remember the email address? I just said it. That's, if I were your show at, remember what it is? At at remember what it is at email at gmail.com there's no email.com it's at gmail.com at gmail.com and what else do we need we need theme song submissions do you think you said theme song submissions and questions and if you want to if you want to give me the attaboy for winning the golden mic this week, you can tweet at me or follow me on Instagram and just say, good job on the golden mic this week. If you're interested in hearing about General Cleanliness's exploits and adventures,

follow General Cleanliness on general cleanliness gram and uh general cleanliness on at twit on twitter and i have a kickstarter for general no no you're you i'm not letting you do a kickstarter for general cleanliness you're not doing a kickstarter for general cleanliness he's this general that's just i know what he is because i fucking came up with them i came up with fucking general cleanliness you can't do a kickstarter don't you explain what he is to me don't now explain what he is to me he kind of looks like mr clean with a scar that's what i was imagining too actually cool yeah i really wanted him to be like mr clean with a scarf well that's my IP now

opening theme song was written by MJ Colgate closing one was written by Luke McDonald it's a it's a cover of a song I don't quite know but maybe you guys can recognize it his insta

is at Luke underscore before underscore you underscore forget about me. That's a long one. That's a long one. I don't blame you guys for not following Luke. Thanks to Luke.

Thanks to MJ. Thanks to you guys. Thanks to the golden Mike award winner for being on this podcast with me. Thanks for recognizing that. I gave you a lot and you're like, you deserve it. Your thank you is so flippant. You acted like it was something that you expected slash deserved. I really am humbled by my 377th golden mic. I can't believe this unprecedented streak has gone on this long.

Honestly, at this point, I'm not even trying to win it every week. I would love to share the wealth and spread that around. Thank you. Maybe one of these weeks. I'll take it next week. Maybe one of these weeks. I'll take it next week. We'll see.

If you want to give me an honorary one for striking out for 380 in a row. I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't help it. All right, I'll see you next week. Thanks, guys. Hey there, everybody. Jake here, a.k.a. The Golden Boy. Proud winner of this past week's Golden Mike Award.

Man, thank you so much for the honor, truly. It really is. It's astounding. It really is. I'm humbled and I'm awestruck. And I'm honestly, I'm cheesed by the whole entire thing. I'm right chuffed about it. So thank you very much.

I just wanted to let you guys know that you can actually purchase your very own general cleanliness tee. It's really something. It's really cool. Store.headgum.com. I swear to God, there's actually a t-shirt that you can buy, own, and proudly wear at store.headgum.com. All proceeds will go directly to the winner of the Golden Mike Award, which actually, I guess, this week and for many weeks past happens to be me, which is pretty neat. Thank you again for the honor and for the cash and for wearing the T and letting Amir know who's the man. All right. Thanks so much, everybody. Ciao. you've been waiting so long they're here to answer your call they know that they shouldn't have had

you waiting at all they've been so busy but they've been thinking about how they want to answer your email If I were you now It's a podcast Gonna tell you what to do now Baby, tell me some advice If I were you now It's a podcast Gonna tell you what to do now Baby, tell me some advice

That was a HeadGum Podcast.