Segments - 38: Jealousy

Episode Date: November 18, 2013

In this episode we discuss envy, threesome, and vibrators. In that order. This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com! http://bit.ly/1fNA7ul . Discover new music, upload your music, and make money from your music! Why the heck not... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Things got real. They finally did. Enjoy. Oh, I've got a problem. a problem and I can't solve it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. So I'm going to do. If I were you, true. At gmail.com.

If I were you, Joe, hope that I am strong enough To handle what Jack and Amir are going to say about me It's if I were you, Steve's the Chief Beautiful. Motown. Motown is back. Motown is back. Motown mo problems. What?

It's a play on a Biggie Smalls Puff Daddy and Mace song. Mace spelled with a dollar sign. Yes. M-A dollar sign E. Hey, this is if I were you, the only bad... Hey, this is if I were you... Hi, this is if I... R, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir.

And I'm Jake. We are bare bones-ing it today. Bare. We are. Bare are our bones. We are slowly losing more and more of our possessions to our move to Los Angeles. Yet, we remain in New York. Yeah.

Well, some version of us remains. I am falling apart at the seams. We are currently holding the microphones in our hand because our mic stands were shipped in your truck this morning to Los Angeles. Just as like a, as a real life hack, I'm paying to have my truck shipped to LA.

But then to save on my actual moving costs, I just stuffed as many boxes as i could inside the truck uh boxes hastily packed wrapped in duct tape just like around you know just like fuck fuck fuck like homer simpson doing his taxes yeah oh my god the entire time i was packing i there was like a monologue that i could be delivering was just fuck me fuck me oh shit shit shit shit shit ass christ god damn it oh oh fuck i wanted i was like i sprinted to the car sprinted back in realized i forgot a bag oh awful uh and you're also outside for half an hour it was 29 degrees yeah i was like i didn't i wasn't even gonna put on my sweatshirt like i'll throw this on

uh it's gonna take me five seconds gonna load the car i'll come back nope he had to give it a thorough inspection thorough thorough inspection where he he's made a list of every single ding and scratch on the car and then i was also just being friendly so we started talking about just started like started talking about like living in california how he wanted to live in california how he was a musician he just like was not strapping down the truck tires and like talking to me about living in santa rosa yeah just uh just ship my truck dude please sir will you will you ship my truck i don't i care not for your stories of woe the wind is cold the wind is very cold that's actually my debut cd i'd love to uh can i grab an axe and play you a song or two no yeah i could do an acapella here we go this one's a seven minute love ballad

it's called no wi-fi no cry Cry. No Wi-Fi, No Cry. Which is a parody song you thought of two seconds before we started recording. No Wi-Fi, No Cry. I think he said, No Wi-I, No Fi. No Wi-I, No Fi. Said I remember when I was in a coffee shop in Georgetown. Oh, God. It's a good song.

It's a good song. No a good song no wi-fi no cry yep does that song mean no woman don't cry or no woman no cry like i don't have a woman i don't have a problem i don't know no woman don't like or like no honey don't cry right because one is like sounds very sweet it's like oh woman don't cry oh that. Because one sounds very sweet. It's like, oh, woman, don't cry. Oh, that's nice. The other one's like, no woman, no problem. I'm going to be by myself forever, and I'm not going to cry. Interesting. Or maybe there's no woman, and it's like no cry. Like there's not a woman around me, so I feel no emotion.

I'm emotionless. I can't weep. I'm just a robot. Oh, so without a woman, I cannot cry. I don't know. He was so stoned. I swear to God. Bob Marley was always high.

So, like, all of his lyrics suck, obviously. And his, like, chord progressions are shit. Because he was stoned. He's, like, a garbage musician. Like, the best musicians are ones that don't do freaking drugs, obvi. Well, like who like um um um um um um

um um um Josh Groban is an example of what of a musician who drinks alcohol

and writes shitty music um what's an example of a musician that you do like um um Macklemore

you just broke character to say that you do like Macklemore I just realized that he's sober and writes good music because we're going to a Macklemore concert tonight we broke character to say that you do like Macklemore. I just realized that he's sober and writes good music. Because we're going to a Macklemore concert tonight. We're going to Rage Face at a Macklemore. It's funny that we're planning on just doing drugs at the concert. Because it's just going to be 13-year-old to 17-year-old dudes in two decks.

Macklemore singing a song about being sober on this drunk on vodka Gatorade. Woo! Yeah. If I could be an example of getting sober, I could be an example of starting over. Yeah, dude, that's not me. Luckily, I don't have a problem. Luckily, you're a better role model and you're way more famous, Macklemore.

Despite my best efforts to get your hair cut, I am doing little for my actual personality to be more like you. I suck in general and you're amazing specifically so hmm all right toda not fair uh so you know this episode is coming out after the concert but if you happen to listen to it before the concert please find us high five us go back in time and let us know how will they listen to it before four hours from now if someone steals my laptop and listens to the source audio.

Very well. Somebody, a thief that's a laptop thief that loves, that's an audiophile. An audiophile that loves audiophiles. So. I'm a kleptomaniac and an autophile, actually. I'm a kleptomaniac, not a kleptomaniac. I'm sorry. How does this show work um jesus well we people email us in their

problems questions conundrums yeah and they ask us for advice and we do our best to dispel honest sometimes brutal uh advice some people need tough love. Sometimes they need tough love. Does dispel mean dispense or did you use that word incorrectly? I think dispel means dispense. It doesn't mean to like disprove? Hmm. Interesting. Unfortunately we don't have Wi-Fi or phone signal

because it interrupts with the recording so we'll never know. Yeah, Eddie Amir took away our phones. He said oh, it creates a little bit of disturbance here interrupts with the recording so we'll never know yeah daddy amir took away our phones he said oh it creates a little bit of disturbance here so uh so jakey turn off your phone yeah yeah creates disturbance yeah you create a disturbance either if i can turn my phone off so what i'm just i'm just supposed to not tinned for 38 minutes? I can't tinned, I can't hing, and I can't ocus.

Absolutely, excuse me for that. I have a tinge of hinge. If you, too, find yourself in a difficult place and you want some advice, please feel free. That email address is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. ifireyoushow at gmail.com. So, should we get this party started? Yeah.

Although you've put a hinder on my tinder and you won't allow me to binge on Hinge. Okay, Cupid, you are so gay, stupid. I love that you're in sweatpants leaning down right now with your gut coming out of your wife beater this is this gut i'm still skinny from birdie man i'm gonna take a photo of you just so we can have it on our site or something. This is what I'm currently looking at. Can I see the photo? Wait, let me take another one. It was blurry.

This is bad radio, but I'm going to do it anyway. You look like a homeless person that's co-hosting some sort of radio show, but the mic's not plugged into anything. It really looks like I lost my fucking mind dope all right let's uh let's read some questions shall we yeah uh we got uh let's we're gonna open it up with a lady this time all right a lady we're gonna give this a sadie hawkins podcast that That's right. Actually, it was our choice. Ladies' Choice, we give ladies a voice. I'm serious.

This is the first podcast that does that. Yeah. Yo, Ladies' Choice, this is a lady's voice rolling up in a Rolls Royce. Is this the same character that Bob Marley was? Bob Marley's a fucking stoner. And he writes shitty lyrics, shitty music because he's fucking high on weed. Okay. Different characters.

He lost his fucking mind on that herbal medicine. I swear to God. And he wrote fucking garbage trash. Buffalo Soldier? What's a Buffalo Soldier? Last I checked, buffaloes are animals yeah idiot what's your name um my name is charlie with four eyes at the end because i was called a four-eyed charlie at the first scene charlie is a dollar sign it's dollar sign h-A-R-L-I-I-I-I.

Shouldn't it be a cent sign? Charlie. No. Maybe instead of four I's at the end, it's I-V. That way it's at least Roman numerals. That's cool, but no. Charlie, not a cent sign. It's a dollar sign because I'm worth it.

I hate you. What is that dollar sign because I'm worth it. I hate you. What is that voice? Because you're worth it. Dollar sign because I'm worth it. Because you're worthless. I'm worth it. Let me work it. This reminds me we should get Josh Rubin on the podcast.

Yeah, that is basically a Josh Rubin impression. All right, ready? Yeah. This one comes from a lady named Derek Jeter. That's actually a fake name, but this email is real. We changed their names to preserve this lady's anonymity. Anonymity. Hey, guys.

My name is Derek Jeter, and I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months now. He's on the school's lacrosse teams, and often the boys throw down with the girls' teams, who are very slutty, on the weekends, and he seems to always be the one inviting them to everything. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but I try to tell him he's sending the wrong message. I can tell the girls are blatantly hitting on him all the time, but he thinks he's just being nice and helping the teams have good parties. How do I tell him to stop these shenanigans

and just get someone else on this team to invite them before I murder every girl in my city without sounding like I don't trust him or coming off as a crazy jealous girlfriend? Thanks, Derek Cheater. Oh, Derek. Oh, Derek. Oh, Derek. Oh, Derek. my city without sounding like i don't trust him or coming off as a crazy jealous girlfriend thanks derrick cheater oh derrick oh derrick oh derrick oh derrick oh derrick oh derrick oh no um we're gonna pass it is there's like a couple different things wrong with this girl and i'm not sure which one or like potential things okay one she's really insecure building up a wall this dude clearly enjoys inviting girls right to the parties and she's like oh i know he hates it these girls are so slutty like oh no you honey

protecting yourself honey oh honey oh honey your boyfriend oh derrick your boyfriend likes inviting girls to the parties. He likes that because that's the most he can cheat on you without feeling too guilty. Yeah, do you think there's a chance that he might tell you he doesn't like it even though he does? If he doesn't like it, he doesn't do it. There's not like, it's not a hard job. Other guys on the lax team would definitely be down to be the point of contact with all the hot, slutty girls. The thing is, he knows that you can't get jealous about that because it's such a minute thing.

What are you going to be like? Oh, I'm really pissed that he invites girls. Everyone would think you're the crazy one. He's backed you into a corner. What are you projecting, too? She's like, oh, these girls are such sluts. I'm going to kill them. They're so slutty.

They're always hitting on my boyfriend. Like your boyfriend did nothing wrong in this situation. How do I kill them without coming off as psychotic you can totally like your boyfriend can get rid of this responsibility oh we're talking about you i'm talking about this girl i'm talking about the girlfriend is the responsibility he can totally get rid of you the responsibility oh yeah he can get rid of this responsibility aka needing to justify shit to you well it, I feel like, number one, your blame is in the wrong place. It's supposed to be to the guy, but it's to the girls? Right.

She's like, oh, these fucking slutty girls. How do I get my boyfriend to stop talking to these sluts who are always coming on to him? Yeah, this is something we've talked about before, which is it's so weird to get mad at the other person when your boyfriend or girlfriend cheats on you. Like, oh, I'm going to, like that, isn't there't their taylor swift song about like no i guess that's for destroying the boyfriend's car right um i don't know taylor swift as well as you do i guess either way it's like about uh i would it doesn't matter because i might be wrong entirely but like the fact that like if your boyfriend cheats on a girl you're just mad at her and not the boyfriend i think i feel like i know well i guess that's unimportant but i think it's like a leanne rhyme song uh yeah no carrie underwood it really doesn't matter say that to

carrie underwood it matters the world to her um oh fuck yeah it's like and of course like it took a bat too yeah his four-wheel drive yeah pretty little duped-up four-wheel drive. Up on the leather seats. Oh, man. Well, no, that's good because he cheated on her and she destroyed the car. That's the correct response. Yeah, that's the correct. You're supposed to destroy his car, not her car. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess don't really destroy a car.

But anyway, your boyfriend is reaching out to these people, these girls who you find to be slutty and inviting them to parties. If you don't want him talking to them, well, number one. have dated a hot ass lacrosse player yeah sorry he's so goddamn sexy he can't even help it so why don't you go out with an ugly person you know you know who how many sluts he's gonna talk to nobody he'll dedicate his whole fucking life to you because he's ugly unattractive and stupid there you go there that's that's a good little bit of advice great we're gonna set up an ugly person with a bitch. Oh, you know who would make a really, really great couple? This psychotic chick and a fucking virgin loser.

We're the worst matchmakers ever. My name is fucking Charlie. Do you really think she's a psychotic bee? I don't think she's a bee. I don't think she's psychotic. I think it's normal to be jealous. I think it's normal to project. I do think that you are wrong though i think what you're doing calling these girls a slut and like and saying that your boyfriend is not at fault is incorrect so how

do i get them to stop these shenanigans they're not they have no shenanigans you need to man up and tell your boyfriend that you don't like that he is the person that plans the parties that you're jealous you say hey you know what i'm a psycho i really like i wish i didn't feel this way i know that it's it's small i know it's petty i know i'm jealous but here's the thing if you care about my feelings you'll do something to to alleviate the concern that I have can you please try to pass off the the inviting on to one of your other buddies no I think I'd rather break up with you before I do that's fair I deserve that I earned that I think I was small petty and jealous and I bid you adieu I really

do well you are taking this so well I think I think I want you adieu. I really do. Wow, you are taking this so well. I think I want you back. And now me and Amir fuck on my couch for 40 minutes. We slipped into the bit so hard that I think we're going to have makeup sex. Bit so hard, that shit cray. That shit cray. This girl's psycho. She's liable to go Michael. Whoa, take your pick.

Jackson. Tyson. Jordan. Game six. Do you know what that's referring to? What? Game six. Game six?

Yeah. It's referring to a fucking Jay-Z song. What do you think game six is referring to? Game six. The Bulls versus the Celtics. Oh, close. It was the Bulls versus somebody. I think it was the Bulls Jazz.

Bulls Jazz. The push off on Brian Russell. That's right Bulls versus somebody. I think it was the Bulls-Jazz. Bulls-Jazz. The push-off on Brian Russell. That's right. Time running out. Yeah. Jordan hits a three. Hits the game winner. No, no, no.

It was a two. Yeah. Hits the game winner two to win. Game six in Utah. His sixth championship. Wow. He was liable to go psycho in that game. The push-off.

So, yeah. That's our little bit of advice. If it really bothers you, you can tell him. Or if you're cool with it. Yeah, I think the two options are tell him or get over it. These girls are not at fault. They're not even necessarily slutty. Yeah, what are the odds that they're all slutty?

Yeah, and I mean they might hit on him. People flirt with each other but nobody like or at least it's very rare to have like a girl hitting on a guy so hard and he's never reciprocating it at all consider that he might be reciprocating consider that he's young playing lacrosse in college he might enjoy the attention so either you sell him that you're jealous and he might think that that's petty and dislike you for it or he might change the other option is to just trust him and get over it and maybe he will think that's so cool of you and he'll think that he's dating somebody who's like easygoing and laid back then suddenly oh i can start pushing the boundaries let's see

what else she's laid back about maybe i can can stay up all night talking to a girl because she knows that I have a trustworthy girlfriend. Uh-oh. Suddenly, we're kissing. That's not fair. This is that girl's worst fear. That might happen. And if that does happen, then you break up with the guy. But at least you know you didn't do anything.

All you did was, fuck, it's so hard. It's so hard because you're like, do I keep him on a short leash? And then he's like, oh, then he chews off the leash and runs away. Or do I let the dog run free in the yard? No leash at all and just trust that he knows the boundaries. But, hey, maybe the dog doesn't. He just goes too far and never comes back. Well, I think it's better to err on the side of long leash

because that way you're getting cheated on and that's not your fault. That's his fault. He has a deficiency. But if you make the leash too tight, he can't enjoy his space in his area and suddenly you're the person at fault that is really what you have to do is find a dog that won't uh stray even though despite the long leash there are lots of dogs in the world here's the how many people in the world do you think have cheated on their girlfriends in between the ages of 18 and 30 you think that over 50 percent yeah have cheated over 50 over 50 i do think so the majority of people have cheated on

people so no wonder people aren't trustworthy or no or no wonder people don't trust their trust themselves i'm jealous because i know that i'm a cheater so i think anybody else in any situation like oh yeah you could be tempted. You could cheat on somebody. Right. That's it. And I think we could, just to, like, prove Amir's advice, in my relationships, I like to keep a girl on a tight leash while not having a leash on myself. You prefer to be the human. So that's the unhealthy, bad thing to do.

Do the opposite of what I have, which is is i well i get jealous and i'm a cheater so i'm a jealous a jealous cheater so it's bad from both ends right and i'm a non-jealous non-cheater right be a mirror but the problem is you don't want an amir you want a cool jake that's tough because amir doesn't play lacrosse well hey to be fair jake doesn't play lacrosse either i think uh i think i'm over two in that regard yeah i don't know it's tough i think people might want to like fuck a jake but they want to marry in a mirror that is more than beautiful i think as long as i'm not getting fucked and you're not getting married i think i'm happy with the world is the world is right the world is in balance it

is a seesaw where both people are uh firmly in the middle area i miss my stuff man i don't have any stuff i'm stuffless like i'm i'm i i am i i i i i've got no tie to the world right now i'm untethered you're like gandhi you're like gandhi you have only the clothes on your body but but but not uh you're not self-reliant or happy or content about it i've got like two boxes of stuff at my parents house i have a bunch of stuff in my car who which is god knows where right now somewhere in rural virginia new jersey and uh then i have a bunch of crap upstairs in my room some crap down here in this basement i just have shit everywhere yeah and instead of fixing it you're uh dispensing advice about

uh cheating boyfriends into a microphone that you're holding my life is in shambles and uh i should and now i'm just going on tour for the next nine days. Yeah, please come out to concert tonight. My life is in shambles and I got nothing but rambles. Oh, my God. How's that for a preamble? All right. Speaking of which, let's gamble. Yeah, let's gamble by reading another question.

Hopefully it doesn't make us even more depressed than we already are. This one's from a dude. A dude. We'll call him scott brocious brocious nicest guy in baseball supercalifragilisticexpialidocious ready supercalifragilisticexpialidocious better be scott brocious hey dude so basically i'm at uni and a flatmate of mine has a long-term girlfriend they've been together for two years he always casually jokes me having a threesome with them the more he says it the more i like the idea his girlfriend is a smoke show and i really want to bang her how do i tell if this is a joke and if it's not how how can i initiate it also what if me and him make eye contact during it thanks guys love the show

scott brocious awesome broche i love where your head's at baby broche with a capital bro yo super third baseman it must be scott brocious even though his on-base percentage is a bit quite atrocious sorry nobody got that nobody knows those two things scott brocious played third base but also also the Mary Poppins song. Oh, wow. Interesting. It's a Venn diagram that very little overlap. I also didn't do a very good job singing it. So even if you didn't get it, you didn't enjoy it.

The perfect storm of bad. Unfortunately, it was three negatives, which remains a negative. So yeah, Scott Brocious humor meets Mary Poppins' humor meets a bad song. Leave my office. Oh, sure. Actually, I might lock the door and try to stab you. I prefer that over what just went down.

So you want to have a threesome with your roommate and his girlfriend, which I think is a bad idea because threesomes have lasting consequences. You'll have to see them a lot. You'll have to see them a lot. They will have to see you a lot. It is going to be bad for their relationship. It's going to be bad for your friendship.

I think if you're going to have a threesome, it's got to be with two people you don't know very well or people that you're not serious about. Threesomes can never be or should never be. Does the friend and another girl bother you? Like if a guy friend of yours suggested a threesome with a random girl, would you be down? Yeah, I'm down. You're down to bone a girl with your male friend?

Yeah. I would never do that. If we met a smoke show tonight at the Macklemore concert. I would not fuck her with you if you hung out with her all night yeah got drunk right you guys vibed yeah long she's the hottest girl you've ever seen you're like amazed yeah amazed yep she takes you back uh-huh she starts hooking up with you okay house yep she's making out with you yeah this is good so far so good blowing you okay sure i enjoyed the top blowing but okay

oh i want to fuck jake too excuse you do i get to come in the room no you do not get to come are you kidding me she and then she's like all right i'm gonna get up and leave all right please do absolutely not yeah i would i would on on the contrary make a joint tinder profile with you and exclusively have threesomes if that's what it took is there you would have a threesome with me yeah why why me i mean is there a guy that you're friends with that you wouldn't um no why would you want that i wouldn't necessarily i mean i would prefer if it was just me and the girl or the girl and another girl uh ideal but i mean if if it's gotta be a threesome if that's like if

that's what's that or nothing yeah that's what gets me the sex it's a funny experience it's fun to have sex with a girl with me yeah that'd be hilarious we'd be brothers for that that'd be hilarious that'd be the funniest thing that would be funny as we hurt this woman i think no i'm not it's not like we fucking forced her into it she wants it too i know but how does she probably thinks it's funnier than we do she's cracking up for all it's fun for everyone she's skyping her best friend that's your problem man you make sex negative for the girl it's a positive experience for her a positive one for me and ultimately i think a positive one for you that and even if it's neutral or negative i think the net the net game i think it's so positive for me

that it's got to at least you must at least feel good that you gave me the gift of that three-way if we're breaking even i think that's a w a push is a win in that regard two wins and a tie yeah that's a winning fucking record i'll take two oh and one every day to the bank yeah so i think the i think the threesome thing is tricky i think if you really are hell bent on doing it because i understand like if you think your roommate's friend is such a is such a smoke show that you like need it um but i think you can't initiate it you can't like you have to like keep on letting them joke maybe you guys are all drunk one night it's gonna happen when they're drunk you can't do this shit always respond genuinely when they're joking like oh yeah

we should we should have a three-way hell yeah i'd be like yeah i'd be down yeah okay like oh you want to watch me fucker yeah i do yes i think that's how it starts actually i think it's like oh i want like i think it would be hot if like if if um scott brocious watch this i mean be like sexy if scott brocious watch this fuck which is what you would that you've actually said that to a woman with scott brocious scott brocious do you want to watch this fuck and you're like yeah i do and then like then they're fucking and you start masturbating. Mom, you know, walk away.

Don't even listen to this episode. Mama, walk away. Yo, mama, turn it down, baby. I'm sorry, mama. Oh, actually, she told me she doesn't listen. I thought,

I imagined where she listened. So I always said, wash the dish. I thought it was in the kitchen. She listens in the car on the way to visit my grandfather. Oh. So mom, veer off the side of the road. Yeah. Mom, flip the car. She listens in the car on the way to visit my grandfather. Oh. So mom veer off the side of the road. Yeah.

Mom flips the car. Mama, flip the car. Put it in neutral. Mama. Mama, you go on. Turn it down. Look out the window, all right? Look out the window.

Look at those leaves, Mama. Look how red they are, Mama. Oh, Mama, look at the leaves. They're changing now, Mama. Oh, Mama, don't you worry about me no more. Look at the foliage, Mama. I'll give you a behind the rest, Mama. Mama, I'm going to be just fine, Mama. Don't worry about me, Mama, look at the leaves. They're changing now, Mama. Oh, Mama, don't you worry about me no more. Look at the foliage, Mama. I'll give you mine to rest, Mama. Mama, I'm going to be just fine, Mama.

Don't worry about me, Mama. I'll see you soon, Mama. Mama, Mama, I'm going somewhere nice and peaceful, Mama. It's beautiful where I'm going. Oh, Mama. Mama, it's beautiful where I'm going. Oh, fuck me. Mama.

Mama, I'm dying, Mama. Mama, I tried to be strong, Mama. Mama, I tried to be strong, but I've been paid, Mama. Hold me against your breast one last time, Mama. Tell me I ain't gonna die, Mama. I'm afraid, Mama. Mama. Oh, Mama.

You asshole. You were so courageous for a little bit. Mama, don't worry. Just look at me Actually fuck it It really really freaking hurts mama Mama I came to again mama

And uh I think I might I might be okay If you just get me to a doctor quick Please Call 911 It's a goddamn emergency mama Oh mama

Oh Oh Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. the least courageous soldier dying at war mama i'm going to a better place now mama

oh fuck it actually i don't really want to go i'm afraid to die mama mama cry some more i think it'll really help mom this is oh this is such a weak move but i think this is your fault i wish the bullet hit you mama oh my god i feel awful saying that i love you so much mom so wait where were we on the threesome shit uh go for it i just think that you can't be the one that you cannot be the aggressor because then when like it's all over and your boy and your her boyfriend uh starts to to think about it and be jealous. Like, oh, wow, you really just wanted to fuck my friend, didn't you? He doesn't think like, oh, I was a victim in this.

He needs to be the person who thinks it was his idea. The instigator. Yeah, because then he can't blame anyone. That said, I don't know that this is a good idea. But I mean, I feel like his advice do i how do i get this to happen so uh that's how you get it to happen you just lay back let it come to you it will if it if they're serious about it um also if you make eye contact with him during that's fine have you ever had a threesome with you and a friend? Male friend? No. Never like an all the way full on sex threesome.

But a hooking up threesome. Yeah, that's happened before. Like making out? Yeah. Tight. I would have loved to have been there actually. You could have been there. Why?

Haven't we ever made out with the same girl? No. Have we ever hooked up with the same girl? No. Have we ever hooked up with the same girl? No. Wow. Totally. We haven't even had a threesome where time was just not a factor. Yeah, wow.

That's awesome. It'll happen one day. I hope so. I just hope it's you getting my seconds and not the other way around. Oh, no. That's not going to happen. Excuse you, Will. You have much lower standards. i have the willpower to resist anybody you've ever been with and while you don't have the ability to get well wait never mind that's still uh it's still a

w for me all right should we take a break yeah let's let's take a breather i really need it i hope that uh i hope that mama thing worked out well the screaming we were peaking a little bit i'm just worried about audio wise next time when you scream i'd prefer it if you kept the microphone over here if this is the goddamn break that we're gonna take will you lecture me about where to hold the mic then we can just answer another question. Asshole. Was that better? Yeah, that was probably a little better.

Probably a little better. You're a little man. Oh, we should talk about Knock Knock. Oh, shit, that's right. In the last episode, Jake came up with a Tinder opening line that I thought was really funny, which was... Knock Knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Inter cow interrupting cow who moo fuck which i thought was really funny when spoken and i uh you know tindering it up as i am known to do these days uh i got a a match with a with a with an exciting

i got an exciting match rather than a non-exciting one a dime straight up a dime i got a match with an exciting, I got an exciting match rather than a non-exciting one. A dime, straight up a dime. A goddamn dime piece. A smoke show. She wasn't like a hot smoke show. She was just a woman that looked like my type of lady. Right. So I didn't want to fuck it up.

A.K.A. a four. Right, a four. A Ford Explorer. So then I said, oh, I should use the knock-knock thing. And as soon as i wrote knock knock i regretted it so much i'm like oh no so much has to go right just for this joke that maybe isn't even funny to begin with and then you started telling people what had happened but we had this like nervous energy about it so like no one responded well to the joke and then she said

who's there and then i felt so dumb writing interrupting cow that i almost bailed and i'm like holy shit what do i do at this one i'm like i'm trapped in a corner i don't know i don't want to ignore her i don't want to say interrupted cow because what if she's like oh inter oh that joke that's not funny what do you do for a living i'm a comedy writer shit no i said it sarcastically i sort of of got, oh, no, oh, Christ, I'm crawling into my head. So I said, interrupting cow, and she didn't respond for about the longest hour of my life. And I assumed it was over at that point, because why would you respond to someone who made a shitty joke? True.

But, lo and behold. Lo and behold, she said something along the lines of, I'm curious to see where this goes over text, which showed me that, oh, she gets it. She gets that it's a joke. She gets that you set yourself up to fail. Which verified my sneaking suspicion that this was my kind of lady. Very true. She wasn't a dummy. And then I said, interrupting cow.

Oh, no, no. She said, I'm curious to see where this goes over text. And then I said, moo, fuck. And she said i'm curious to see where this goes over text and then i said moo fuck and she said nailed it yep with capital letters which made me like her even more and then so i was i showed the conversation to my buddy in la and he's like that's great i'm gonna use it and then he used it and it said, knock, knock, who's there? Interrupting cow. And the girl said, boo. Boo. The worst thing she could say. Yeah.

And then didn't you try to use that joke? I used it this morning and she did not get it. Yeah, it was weird. It was like she genuinely thought that we messed up the joke. Yeah. I said, knock, knock. She said, who's there? I said, interrupting cow. And then she said, interrupting cow and then she said interrupting cow who and then i said moo and then i said fuck

and then she said wait i ruined it yeah which is not the response i mean like it's almost like a sense of humor test yeah it was wait she was like wait i think that i think we messed it up yeah but she didn't she didn't understand that that was the point get it but do you think that's a good litmus test of like how to determine whether someone's humorous or not i think it's like i wouldn't say that's the perfect one because it is a little weird a little it's all it's cheesy because you almost have to know that the person is being self-deprecating right is it is like realizes that it's a bad joke i don don't know. There's a lot of layers to it. But if the person gets it, it's a pretty great sign.

It's true. I think in general, having a funny first line, oh, that was my other Tinder theory where like I always say like just hey in the girl's name and then like some of them don't respond. So lately I started just sending

like really funny messages back to them. Right. Like throw them into the inferno right off the bat. Right. So there was that girl. I said hey and then she never responded and then i wrote back like uh wow sorry for not believing in love and then i wrote to somebody else like shame we could have been something yeah and i wrote to somebody else um and time this window is now shut don't bother ever contacting me again did Did that person ever respond?

Not yet. But I feel like three out of four of the people that I did that to did respond. Right. Because everybody just wants to have fun and be funny on Tinder. So if you haven't gotten a match, people hate when I talk about Tinder, huh? Not everybody. Some people like it. All right, great.

Then full steam ahead. If you have not heard back from a match, you should try just saying a funny cheesy line like that. Yeah, it's almost like the person's in a coma and you're using that, what's it called? The EKG? The defibrillator. Yeah, defibrillator. Resuscitate the conversation.

There's no risk because the conversation's already dead. You might as well try it. That's what defibrillators are. Yeah, there's no fucking risk. Let's just have fun with this body. Let's shock this dead-ass body. So that's our knock-knock story. The end.

Hopefully you guys get to use it. And if you do, screen cap and email us in at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That'll be a fun thing. Cool. One more question. Uno mas. Even though we're at the 37-minute mark, we're already seven minutes over. What we designated was too long, which was 30 minutes.

Let's do it, though. Aight, aight, aight, aight. Let's do it. It's the return of the max. Get it. This is another lady. We'll call her... Joe Girardi.

Joe Girardi. Josephine Girardi writes, Hey guys, well, basically I'm in a pretty sticky situation. Before summer, my friend encouraged me to get a vibrator because, well, for obvious reasons. Tyson, my vibrator, was amazing, and I had no regrets about getting him. However, one day, while cleaning out my room, my mom found Tyson under my pillow and obviously flipped out. I quickly made up a lie that me and my friends were using it as a prank. She took some convincing, but after saying to traditional,

I'm very disappointed in you, she ordered me to smash Tyson up with a hammer because she apparently thought it was disgusting. It's been a couple of months, and I'm considering getting another vibrator, but I'm worried if it's found again that I can't provide an explanation. What should I do? And if I get another one,, but I'm worried if it's found again that I can't provide an explanation. What should I do? And if I get another one, what should I call it? Thanks.

Well, first of all, you should get another one and call it Buster, as in Buster Douglas, because that's the person that knocked out Tyson. That's kind of cool. Yeah, and then it's funny because it's a vibrator named Buster. Yep.

Yeah. That's true. It's like Buster, yeah, I did hardly even know her. I think to really stick it to your mom, though, you should start masturbating with a hammer. What? She should start masturbating with a hammer. What? She should start masturbating with the hammer. Excuse you.

Yeah. Her mom made her destroy the fucking vibrator with a hammer. Sorry, Mom. I can still get off with the fucking hammerhead. The head. Yeah. The head? The peen.

That is what it's called, isn't it? Isn't it? The peen. The peen. It's called the peen. It'sen the peen it's called the peen it's called the peen just use the peen why don't they make

the whole plane out of the peen what? where have you peened? my peen is the peen the head or the sharp

nail removing part I think it's the peen in the tail I don't know I don't really know enough about hammers just use the handle if you're gonna use the. I don't know. I don't really know enough about hammers. Just use the handle if you're going to

use the hammer. I don't know. Well, get a vibrator. How dare your mom make you destroy it? Yeah. I like to think that she destroyed it.

Oh, this is foul. Disgusting. I'm taking it to my room to destroy it. Oh, and it's going to destroy me. Oh. Oh.

Oh, Tyson. How did you know its name, mom? What else can beat up my pussy with such rigor? Mama, turn it off. Oh, mama. How about a British boxer? Because this girl calls her lady, her thing, mom. Oh, yeah.

Who's a British boxer? Can I recommend Lennox Lewis? Lennox Lewis. That's a good vibrator name. That's true. Lennox Lewis is actually, I say go with that. And just find a better hiding spot than your pillow, ass. That's the first place she's going to look for a vibe vibe.

Yeah. Put it in your ass. Ass? Find a better hiding spot than your pillow, ass. Why hide it at all when it could just constantly be in you? Yeah, you should just hide it under the bed. Hide it inside the mattress. You deserve constantly be in you uh yeah you should just hide it under the bed hide it inside the mattress you deserve to be i mean you should masturbating is a very healthy thing yeah there's nothing wrong with it do all girls need vibrators to masturbate or do some girls masturbate without vibrators i think some girls i mean no some girls masturbate

without vibrators i think it just helps it feels better um what's the male version of that not a not a fleshlight lube yeah i think i think like we could get off without having like lotion or lube on our hands yeah it's just it's significantly better well the the tricky part is lube you can just say it's moisturizer for your hands, vibrator. There's no alternate purpose. Right. Some excuses she can use if her mom finds it again. Mom, it feels good when I have an orgasm. No, that's not an excuse. I think that's the actual reason.

That's the actual reason. Yeah, but reasons could be excuses. Mom, it feels good when I hold it against my clit. No, no, no, that's the same thing Mom, sometimes I feel horny What about the vibrating What? Toothbrush

I hold a toothbrush against it, turn on the vibrator And I use it as a vibrating toothbrush I think just find a better hiding spot Than a vibrating toothbrush? I think that would work No, it would not You hold the handle flush against the clit I get how that would work. No, it would not. You hold the handle flush against the tides. I get how it would work.

I, of course, get it. Also, why would she want to use that as a vibrator and then potentially have to use it as the punishment? All right, you... Fine. Let me see you brush your teeth with it. Okay, Mom. Okay, Mom.

No, no, no.lly good then mama i will oh well look at this then mom it's so salty mama oh mama oh mama i was talking about holding a toothbrush flush against the vibrator and fashioning a makeshift electric toothbrush. Right. Not using the actual vibrator to chip shit off your teeth. I did get that. Excuse you.

Do you think that makes it a good idea? I think it makes it a better idea than rubbing plastic against your teeth. I mean, if I thought you just meant brushing your teeth with a vibrator, I would have not even, I would have just, I don't even, like, I think better of you than to think that you would suggest that. Thank you. I appreciate what you were trying to say. And I appreciate

your appreciation. I absolutely do. And that's another appreciation. I don't think so. I think lastly, you have to appreciate me. I do not. I absolutely do not. Okay. I think you can masturbate. It's normal.

If your mom finds it, you should this time just be honest and be like, you know what, Mom? I'm young and I'm exploring my body, and I like the way that vibrating feels. Mom, I touched the clit. I'm Macklemore. This is the best day of my wife. I don't know why it's my wife's best day or why I phrased it like

that. I really think today is the best day of my wife. You mean it's your wife's best. What do you mean? I don't know. I think it's the best day of my wife. It's the return of the mat. Yeah, really. Get up. What it is, what it does i think it's the best it's the return of the yeah really get up what it is what it does what it is what it isn't i can't wait for the concert tonight because i'm so curious who likes his music as much as we do will it be disheartening if it's all uh 13 to

18 year old dummies well why would you call them dummies i don't know what if they are what if what if only dummies like his music and then also me, a 30-year-old nerd? I don't know. I guess it'll be interesting to see. We're definitely going to be in the 98th percentile of age. Yeah, we'll be the oldest people there. But I feel like music is such a common bond that even if I see somebody who doesn't look or sound like me, I'm like, oh, but you still like this song. Obviously, within reason. I mean, it's not going to be like you're not going to hug'm like oh but you still like this song obviously within reason

i mean it's not going to be like you're not going to hug an asian person if you really like this song no i mean like if even if he doesn't look sorry i might now well great now i'm sick oh come on i think you should still go to the con dude you should at least go to the concert mom that's the sound of projectile vomit that you can't control. Like when you're throwing up because you're sick or hungover, like retching. Projectile is like when you have food poisoning or something. I had that once and it was like... Why would you ever know how projectile it is?

I mean, you're always going straight into a toilet. Because it shoots out so fast. Like you're surprised by how much it is. Like... Holy shit. My body did that. Like, you're surprised by how much it is. Like, holy shit. My body did that. Like, eyes wide shaking. You're like, oh, my God, everything's out.

Eyes wide shaking is actually the alternate title to eyes wide shut. Eyes wide shaking. Yo, yo. That's fucking beautiful. Your eyes are wide shaking. You love my baking That is You are actually running late

We are running more than late And I think this is the end of the episode That's the end Yeah Your eyes are wide shaking Cause you love my baking Yeah that's not good You don't think I could do a Macklemore lyric

Like a song No I really don't Alright It's fair That's more than fair Good episode Good episode Guys Good episode. Guys, if you're listening to this on Monday or Tuesday, we're still on tour.

We're going to be in Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Ann Arbor this week. So please try to check us out if you're in those cities. And that first theme song was from somebody named Josh. And if you think you can submit your own theme song, well, good news, because you can. Whether you're musically talented or not, you can send those in to ifireashowatgmail.com. Those are our favorites. And we played with that dude that we met at the live show. Oh, yeah. Awesome, awesome song. Awesome dude.

You're the best, Josh. Boston, what represent? One time. And this last one, this outro song, is by somebody named Doug. Doug! So please enjoy the song. Please enjoy the episode. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Please enjoy the episode. Leave me alone.

Please enjoy it. Mom! Mom! you if I were you I'd do what I'm telling you