Segments - 380: The Psychopath

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

In this episode we discuss overthinking pillow talk, underthinking bootie calls, and Jake's newest award.Come see us live in Chicago on June 15 as part of HeadGum Live!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Yeah. Live show, they on tour, they arrive, they arrive. Amir came up on this side, Jake on the other side. Oh, well, fuck it, dog, they gonna be side by side.

I got tickets right outside and I share it with the guys. We up on the side First up like we tried I've been waiting since like five People acting like I died Everyone expecting help with that damn DM slide Yeah, it's a podcast show Helping you out, ay Advice, ah, yeah, ah

Motherfuckers, set me down If I were you, I'd about to play now, ay Listen to the words They gotta say, ay Calm down,'d about to play now, ay. Listen to the words, they gotta say, ay. Calm down. Let it play, ay, ay. Let it play. Let it play, ay.

Toda and Dee. Do you know who that is? Justin. Justin Goncalves. That's right. This guy, we must have used like 15 of his theme songs at this point. And never fully learned how to pronounce his name because we met him and he told us that we'd been pronouncing it wrong and now i can't

remember if he was like it's pronounced goncalves right or if he was like it's pronounced gonsalves yeah we never quite realized or learned how to spell his name or say we learned but forgot it in an evening because after the shows after the show it's the after party yeah and after the party it's the hotel lobby and i'm often waking up in a drunken stupor what does it mean that after the party is the hotel lobby like people are just waiting for the elevators to get back to the room or are they like partying in the lobby i feel like it must be partying in the lobby because otherwise it's a pretty anticlimactic, like, it's not an escalation. Yeah.

After the show, it's the after party. That's really fun. I know, like, the show's good, but we're going to really go ham at the after party. Right. After the party, it's everyone turns in because we're all pretty tuckered out. Yeah, after the party, it's a hotel lobby. But the hotel is a Best Garden Inn Express. So there's like a microwave there and you can buy popcorn from the front desk for a dollar.

So there's no room service, but there's something to snack on if you're fiending. They have cup of noodles that you can put cold water in and then they have this microwave you can rent for 75 cents. That's not bad. Yeah. and after the hotel lobby, we're going to go to the business center. If anybody has to print anything, there's a fax machine. We have another tour date the next day, so everybody be sure to print your Amtrak tickets in the business center because we have an early call time and you might not remember to do it tomorrow. Remember, 7 a.m. call. And Amtrak is really finicky with the online iPhone boarding.

So make sure that you print your passes. That's why we're all going to the business center. Breakfast is at 6 and we have a hard out at 7. So if you don't want breakfast, if you want to just show up having had on the day. It's just continental. They have muffins. If you want to grab and go.

Muffins from Costco, and then they have this like- And a cup of noodles. Yeah. They have milk in a carafe that's not cold, and a box of Cheerios. One box per customer, please. And after that, it's the next show, and then it's the after party.

We do it all again, everybody. It's the hotel lobby. We're back in it. And this is the tour with oh shit is it r kelly yeah all right well it's probably it's probably not so boring it's uh illegal nothing can be legal and boring if it's if you're breaking the law it's exciting a little bit right but r kelly's a bad guy of course true but nobody would ever call him boring you're calling him exciting which is i'm saying it's fucking thrilling it's fun it's good i'm not saying that it's good i i want to stop talking entirely oh okay because you're really not gonna like uh what i was gonna bring

up next which was very political. And right of center, absolutely right-leaning. Cool. I mean, politics is fine. Let's talk politics. Honestly, that would be an upgrade. It's about the Kavanaugh hearing. All right, forget it.

Let's not. Yeah. Let's drop it. Gunn-Kalvez with another first time. Shout out to his Insta, thebestyear96, But unlike other Instas, this one's on private. It's a Finsta. I don't know if it's a Finsta or just a Prinsta, a private Insta, but he'll accept you if you're dope

and he'll perhaps follow you back. Wow. That's right. Yeah, give him a little sauce. You got to make him want it, Goncalves. At the best year 96. So thank you, Justin. Thanks to you guys for listening to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Josh. Congrats on the general cleanliness shirt. Oh. I saw that you were, yeah, selling a lot of them. Yeah, they're flying off the shelves. I don't know. Have you gotten paid for that yet? I haven't gotten paid. The money is being collected in the Shopify Printful account. It'll be direct deposited to me. Why would I split that with you?

We'll split it because I came up with it, and then you had the idea to make it a shirt, so it feels like a 50-50 situation. To what end would I split that with you, buddy? You came up with what general cleanliness yes i think we could him as a character this is this is honestly it's a bad look for you let's not we don't have to get into it on mike but you really had you had a dud of an episode okay you phoned it in you phoned it in and no one answered i had the golden mic i came up with a new piece of

intellectual property that's paying me through through the nose dividends dividends on dividends you're you're you're happy talking about it on the podcast i'm okay letting it go if you don't want to talk about it on the phone i don't think we should talk about it on my i don't think we should talk about it i agree it doesn't it's not a good look for either of us. More you. More you. More you, but I agree. I have cash on hand and I have cash on deck.

I have bank and I'm making bank on general cleanliness, which is my idea 100%. And if anything, all you did that episode was almost ruin it. No way. Let's not talk about this. I agree. Let's not talk about this on mic. Yes, let's not talk about this on mic. Or in person if I can actually make the request right now.

I don't want to speak to you about this anymore. I think we should just drop it. I think it's not worth it. I agree. All right. It's worth it if you were me because i'm making a lot of uh i i said i agree with you i don't think we should talk about it all right okay um absolutely these are as always real questions from real people uh all we need is a fake name for this guy so we can preserve his anonymity.

Bit of a sticky situation. What name do we have for this guy? What do you got? General Clemens. Yeah, I figured you would say that. That's exactly what I fucking thought. You wanted to drop it, but you wanted to bring it right back up. You couldn't let it die for 15 seconds before bringing it up.

Well, let's let it sit. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. How much? Wow. You called me a dud. You called me funny. And then you accused me of ruining an episode.

I say go fuck yourself. And you're bored. You're a little bit hot-headed. And I think for that reason, you've forfeited your chance at the golden mic this episode. Already. You're fine by default. Already. For what?

So I appreciate that. I appreciate being awarded the golden i think this is what are we at what are we at we're in the we're we're in the eight minute mark and i got the golden mic which i think is maybe the earliest i've ever gotten the golden it's the earliest you've declared it the earliest you've stolen why don't we just let the people decide who wins the golden mic why do you have to say that you automatically get it because i think the golden mic is something that happens live yeah what did i do what did i do to disqualify myself just so i know going forward you got really hot-headed and you i said go fuck yourself you said go fuck

yourself because you wouldn't let it take you out of the running you wouldn't stop beating a dead horse the golden mic is a little bit about sportsmanship no way it's a little bit about sportsmanship it's so the way you conduct And the way you conduct yourself on the podcast matters. Yeah. It might not matter to you, but it matters to me, and it matters to our fans. Okay. Let's just call this guy General Cleanliness, store.headgum.com. You can buy your own General Cleanliness tea.

All right. And that money goes directly to me, and I'm not splitting it with anybody. Okay. With anybody? That means me. Don't say you're not splitting it with that. Nobody expects you to split it with anybody but me. You're not splitting it with me.

No, you had nothing to do with the idea. I have everything to do with it. Made it. Stole it. You get a trophy for it because I got mad at you. I don't get a trophy for the t-shirt. I got a trophy for the character. Yeah, exactly.

This is why you don't get the Golden Mike. You don't even understand the way it works i do i do you think that you're the funnier person every single episode no i think i think i think we're both hilarious and i think every single episode it's up for grabs and i think i just come down with it almost 100 of the time almost every episode you've done you got it oh yeah every episode i've done i got it but not everyone not everyone the show that's everyone not every episode of the podcast because tom um or ben ben did it with with it with you uh without me and he got it that episode has a guest ever won it um like if it's me you and thomas has thomas ever won it ben's won it but he was he was a guest

i know i know that one you don't think he's explaining that episode like it's the first time you're talking you already know the answer is that if the guest ever won it has a guest ever won it as a guest then with a guest has it ever been me you and a guest and the guest won it no i've i've won every everyone i've contended i was in contention for got it okay okay general actually not no congratulations from you by the way no i'm proud of you of course that's that's a historic run no no i'm honored to be on a podcast with you just more of like zero all right just hate just hate from you yeah that's right yeah let's hate that's right just hate just hate just hate you don't have to say it just hate just hate okay just hate okay i

know okay all right okay just hate ready just hate i know yeah yeah general cleanliness rights i'm a university student writing to you from can, and I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. Uh-oh. Back at the start of the year, my buddy hooked up with a girl and sort of unofficially called dibs on her. She prompted to ghost his ass, which made encounters in our friend group a little awkward. We're all in the same friend group. I should also mention that I have really only spoken to her like three times. Last week, she was on a bar crawl with some girls from the group, and I get a call from a number I don't recognize. Anyway, I start texting, trying to figure it out, and lo

and behold, it is her. She asked my friend for my number. Then she made a joke about knocking on my door later. I thought nothing of it, as I was a wee bit stoned and wanted to sleep. Then she bangs on my door at 2 a.m. I didn't answer. Cue Jake doing the Kanye ha noise. Indeed. Nice. You got it, buddy.

Anyways, we started texting more regularly, which brings me to my problem. What's her end game there are about two weeks left in school and we live eight hours apart if she wanted to hook up wouldn't she just tell me we have a ton in common and suggest movies and music to each other since we like the

same genres but does the fact that she hasn't suggested we hang out yet mean she just wants a friend? Or do I cut the crap and go for it? Or did I miss my chance the night she banged on my door? P.S. I could kind of see getting into a relationship with her, but it's pretty tough due to the distance. And, you know, only really starting to talk to her this week.

Okay. Uh-huh. So this guy, rather than having her show up at his door, knocking on it to come into his room. Yes. He thinks the sign that he needs is her saying, saying, let's hang out instead of physically trying to hang out. Yeah. Barging in, text, getting his number, calling him, texting him, banging on the door at 2 a.m., not enough insight for him, still not quite sure what, quote, her endgame is.

He's very high. He's very, very high still. I can tell that. He's still high? He's still high. He has to be so stoned. When you're stoned, are you not horny? Is that what I'm picking up on?

I didn't know that that was a thing, but it seems like that's a thing with him. Yeah, I think that you're stoned, are you not horny? Is that what I'm picking up on? I didn't know that that was a thing, but it seems like that's a thing with him. Yeah, I think that you're like a little more, well, maybe it affects everybody differently, but for me, it's definitely like a bit more like introspective and like cerebral adventures rather than like, you know, physically, like I need to fuck somebody.

That's more of an alcohol thing. Yeah, he's like, I'm high. Don't bang on my door. What's your favorite movie genre? I want to talk to you about Clint Eastwood films instead. What are you trying to do here? I'm going to suggest music to you. Go to bed bed have you ever

listened to paul's boutique by beastie boys i'm not sure what you're trying to get out of this but just go back to your room and i'll send you a playlist let me know if you like horrors thrillers or both i'll recommend a film from the same genre yeah you're you're a thick-headed fool but you're sweet i think it's more i it's my favorite thing when guys don't know rather than uh you know like the the opposite end of the spectrum is that guy's friend who hooked up with her and seemingly called dibs yeah you don't want to you don't want to call dibs yeah that's clueless in a negative way this is clueless in a funny way yeah in a sweet way i think maybe he doesn't want to grapple with the fact that this girl wanted to hook up with him and he's like i think i just want to be in

a relationship with her oh so he's like saying it kind of like a cool dude like what does this chick want did i miss my chance i think i want to have a friendship with her or some shit. What am I becoming? This drunken maiden wanted to hook up at 2 a.m. and now I'm in love with her, actually. I fucking see a future with her or some shit. I don't know if I'm high or if I can just see where we would grow old together,

but I'm really fucked up right now. I think, yeah, you blew your chance, but you didn't blow your future chances. That's beautiful. That was definitely a misreading of the situation. Her saying, I'm going to bang on your door is saying, I'm going to bang you. Whore.

Okay, forget I said that. She made a move and he did not acceptore. Okay. Forget I said that. She made a move and he did not accept it. Yeah. He missed it. And I think maybe she feels a little ashamed because she banged on the door,

he didn't answer, and now she's too afraid to say, hey, let's hang out. Oh, so yeah, that's possible. You definitely have to take the initiative

because in her head, she's already taken a very, she swung for the fences there. Oh, so yeah, that's possible. You definitely have to take the initiative. Because in her head, she's already taken a very... She swung for the fences there. Oh, yeah. It wasn't a booty call. It was a booty knock. It was a booty show. A booty drop-in. That's the most booty you can booty, is to show up.

Only girls can do that, by the way. It's really not... It would be creepy as hell if you did it to her. So don't think the move is to go show up at her place at 2 a.m. Yeah, and even when the lady does it, she gave him a nice little heads up. I'm going to knock on your door later. Yeah, yeah, that's true. So get in touch with her, text her, and ask her to hang out.

You said you have a lot in common. You could do any of those things, or you could just get a drink. But there's two weeks left of school. She probably just wants to hook up with you. Yeah. Sorry, bro. I guess there's two weeks left of school. She probably just wants to hook up with you. Sorry, bro. I guess there's always next year. Yeah.

There's no reason to like read so far into it. But like the signal is that she wanted to hook up. You can do that. Yeah. All right. Let's take a break and we'll answer some more questions on the other side of these advertisements. Yeah. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Well, I actually, I'm in a unique situation where I don't have any advice, but I need some advice. I'm looking to lease a car.

At least you can lease. I've never ever driven a new car. The newest car I've ever driven was like a 2001 car. And that was in 2009. That was your Nissan Cube, right? Yeah. The newest car you had was that yellow Toyota Scion you leased. I had a Yaris, a bright pink Yaris, a creamsicle Prius C though. It was exciting because this is one of the few car things I've done before. Like like i don't know how to change a tire or buy a used car but i have when moving to la leased a car now twice i know all about it all right well tell me tell me everything because let me tell the the first part of my

experience is just like it seems like it's there's just way too many options. That's true. Like I was on Google. It reminded me of when I was searching for an engagement ring. I was like, I just Googled car leases. Yeah. That's not going to be effective. And that's the next like eight years of Google ads that you get. Just the fact that you chummed the water with that single search. Oh my God. It means the next Instagram ad you get for the next 10 years are going to be car leasers.

They don't really tell you the real prices anywhere. And I made one phone call and now I'm on... Oh, you're on the list. They are so thirsty. It's crazy. It's crazy. Three emails, texts, phone calls. This is just from one place. I don't want to shop around for a car anymore. Tell me this. It seems to me that I need to know what kind of car I want before I even go to a dealership. Yeah. Because I imagine that I'd get to drive a Toyota, drive a Ford, drive a Mazda, just drive all the different cars.

And that seems like no way because as soon as i show my face somewhere they will sink their teeth into me so deep they're like half zombies who will just consistently walk towards you at a slow pace until you've run out of real estate and half the girl from the last question just banging on your door can i I interest you in a Corolla? There was a price drop on the RAV. You're RAV4. You just got new lease terms. This is the lowest I can go,

but at this point I'm losing money. Ha! Biting into you. Yeah, so what do you do? Okay, this is what I did. I decided on a car I wanted, which you can do by test driving. So I test drove a Mazda and a Toyota

and a Honda. Did they have... Because I just wanted a standard car. And they had all those or did you go to three different dealerships? Three different dealerships. And they were all probably like the people at Honda just never wanted to let you leave and you had to be like, I'm sorry I got a Mazda. Yeah. Oh no, it's never like I'm sorry.

It's just like, alright, I'm going to go test drive some other cars. Like, well, when you leave i will i will be really sad all right don't leave do not leave this deal goes away like i know for a fact it does not you've emailed me five times like if anything it gets better i was on the phone with somebody and i'm like do you want to come in i was like yeah sure i'll be there on on Thursday. And it seemed like he didn't believe me. And then he got my number, my email. He's like, all right, Thursday. I'm like, yeah. Promise you will.

Will you promise me? I swear, dude. Just a pinky swear. Drop in now if you're so serious. I'll come to you. I'll come to you. So what three cars? Are you even narrowed it down at all?

I think I've narrowed it down. I really want an SUV. Okay. And I believe I am between a Toyota 4Runner, which is a pretty large SUV, or the Audi Q5, which is a midsize SUV. Have you test driven both? No, I'm test driving the Audi tomorrow. Okay, great. I was going to call ahead to this Toyota place. But now that I see how accommodating everybody is, I think I'll just drop in. So this is what I did. I decided on a car and then I called two rival Mazda

dealerships and then they just sort of fight it out against each other. Wow. Yeah. Did you mediate? Were you like, that sounds pretty good, but this place is going to go lower. I basically had a price in mind that I wanted to pay. And then I told one of them that price, and they're like, we can't do that. Then I told the other one, like, I can't do that unless you do this. Or they're like, I'll match their price. Because they really, like the two Audi dealerships in New York, if there are more than one, hate each other and will do anything to make sure that you lease the car from them. Yeah, I could see that. That makes sense.

And another bit of advice I got was pay the minimal amount up front because a lot of them will just say like, yeah, it's $200 a month, but you put $7,000 down. There was some like rule of thumb that was like for every hundred dollars uh they take off your monthly price they just add um or for yeah they just add three thousand dollars down uh to the down payment oh and you you don't get the down payment back at all right no it's just the rate at which you pay like some of them are like yeah you could you do very little monthly payments if you pay a lot down right now so i asked for like no money down zero and i guess the least you can do very little monthly payments if you pay a lot down right now so I ask for like no money down zero and I guess the least you can do

in California at least is like $600 which is like the minimal like amount of taxes and fees or whatever just to get the car but you're not paying off the car at all you're only doing that every month very interesting you should have a price that you want to pay monthly

and basically throw that at two or even three Audi dealerships and then have them struggle until you can get that price. This sounds great. Can I just have you do it? You just sort of throw a piece of paper in the middle of four rabid dogs and whoever wins it gets you. Whoever wins it gets my cash yeah you pay as little as you can up front and then i always uh opt for the standard stuff because like they try to upsell you with shit that you don't necessarily need like a navigator or like a nicer tv screen right i'm like yeah i'll just use ways on my phone thanks though that shit it's probably gonna work on me have you driven any of those new cars that like you're it it just like the display just basically looks like your phone yeah it's like an apple

wired car where they mirror the apple phone onto your car that shit is dope you can get any car and they can like apple wire link it up some of the cars just come standard with it interesting yeah the jeep that we rented when we drove to D.C. had it and it was fucking lovely. And I guess if anybody has a suggestion for a small SUV that's kind of sick, let me know. If you just search cars.com and filter by kind of sick, you'll find the ones that'll come up. Really? Yeah. And then you just throw on that vanity plate.

Oh, I wonder if I could get the same vanity plate as you since I'm in New York. Oh, it just says HeadGum but in New York? Yeah yeah i think yeah i think pie looked it up and said it was available maybe golden mike would fit if you take away all the vowels oh gld yeah gldn mic who's the gildan mc it's not what it stands for ass he's the guy that just rear-ended you. Now give me your insurance card. Price. Driving your cube, getting honked at by people. There's a guy in the backseat who thought you were his Lyft driver.

And I was. Leave me alone. Don't cancel. Christ. So that's both your solicited and my unsolicited advice on how to lease a car. That really works i'm gonna keep you in the loop because uh i feel like i'm i'm definitely very very stupid about money negotiating yeah if i like the person i'll sign it i'll give them everything yeah there's even like some dig like if you dig even deeper into the whole i think there was like a this american life about it about like the real system that goes on and like how much they can actually sell for and like when to

do it down to the month because of all these quotas and things you can you can get real deep i listened to that this american life and it really like almost made me feel bad about the position that the dealerships are in because like a lot of the time they are losing money on these leases yeah but they they like sacrifice it to stay in business yeah so that you come back and buy a soda that's how they're making the real cash right just like the movies they make money on the on the vending machines yeah when your car breaks down and they sell you a pepsi for 3.99 that's how they're really making money these big wigs it's not even off the cars it's off the ice ask for it without ice

watch their head fucking roll all right so now everyone can stop listening to your unsolicited advice i'm serious you go there go to a go to a mazda dealership if you want a pepsi yeah you get a flat pepsi no ice and then you take your car to get oil changed at a freaking jiffy lube anyway get it on rice it'll stay cold but it takes up less volume. Can I get a Diet Coke on frozen rice? What do you mean you don't have it? What kind of Audi dealership is this? I thought the customer was always rice. Very rice.

There we go. We should also say tickets are still available for our show in Chicago. That's right. HeadGum.com slash live. And not many left. NADDPod might be sold out by the time this comes out. If I Were You has about 100 tickets left. Other shows going fast.

So nab them while you can, June 14th through 16th in Chi-Town. Get them all. Man, that's going to be fun. Can't wait. All right, next question. This is from another dude who he wants to be called lismas oh nice thomas tis i lismas hey diva roaches so my friend who i'm very comfortable with we talk about sex and our fantasies etc all the time we met sophomore

year in high school and about five months ago my four and a half year relationship ended while we were talking about how difficult it can be to find someone to have casual sex with We met sophomore year in high school and about five months ago, my four and a half year relationship ended. While we were talking about how difficult it can be to find someone to have casual sex with, I figured I would ask her and she responded, of course. I've been waiting for you to ask, to be honest. Now, this obviously got me very excited. And I asked how long she's been waiting for me to ask. And she told me since sophomore year, not long after we met. The reason I'm writing in is because I suddenly feel a lot of pressure. The sex has

been six years in the making for her, and I've only had one partner. And my previous relationship, we only had sex a few times as it was difficult for her to adjust to me. Also, that's not a humble brag. I'm very average so i'm not experienced as experienced as her she knows this but we still have that lingering expectation in my head that i need to do well do not fret gullies cheese will be seized but how would you mentally approach the situation interesting it's not unlike our first guy it's but it's good that we don't have to convince him to do it because obviously it's going to happen. That's good.

It's going to happen, but the pressure of five years is weighing on him. I think you might, I mean, my advice is just like get it over with because like either it's going to be, it's either going to be good, bad, average, great, terrible, awkward, you know, who knows? But once it happens, then you can only calibrate from the experiment, from the first time.

Yeah, you just sort of, you throw a blind dart. And then you adjust. And then you can adjust accordingly. Right. It is funny that this guy has been wanting this for months months and then when she's like i have been wanting it for years he's like maybe never mind not quite interested i mean the thing that worries me is not necessarily that he won't be able to perform but like it sounds like this might be a little less casual for her like she's liked him for a long time yeah but yeah i guess you never know until you do it

just like you said yeah but it's hard to be like we're friends with benefits i've been waiting to be your friend with benefits my whole life i have never stopped thinking about us being friends with benefits i think she uh it's like you could definitely want more benefits. And one of the benefits that she might want is that you're her full-time boyfriend. You're my long-lost friends with benefiter. How's that for benefits? We're in love and we're committed to each other and we won't see other people. That's my favorite benefit of being your friend with benefits. The greatest benefit of all is marriage.

I'm sure it's not actually like that. This is just his fear. Yeah. Well, his fear, I think, is that he won't be able to do a good job. I'm sure that it'll be fine. But be sensitive because, I don't know, she'll like you. All right. Here's another question from a guy who's having post-coital questions.

This is sort of like the same guy in three different stages of the night. First it was the girl who knocked, then it's like she wants to have sex, and then right after sex, this guy has a question. What comes after general? Sergeant? Sergeant Cleanliness? Colonel Cleanliness? Please, call me general. Colonel Cleanliness was my dad's

name. Colonel Cleanliness writes, I'm a 21-year-old junior at the university of colorado who is a longtime fan of jake and the chipmunk but a first-time writer what a few months ago i was hooking up with this girl who is now my girlfriend who i love very much we were fucking and not to toot my own horn but i was doing great she was coming left and right and we were having lots of fun we were winding down and as I finished pulling out, she says, you're a psychopath. Now, mind you, it's not like I had her on a sex swing or we were doing some dark BDSM shit.

We were just fucking in my bed in my apartment. Her saying that immediately took me out of the moment and I started to laugh and blurted out, what? She did not have a response and quickly curled up and took a nap while I was left wondering what I had done that warranted her calling me that after sex. Maybe it was because she came so many times or that it was just good sex. I have brought it up with her since and she either denies it or tells me that she does not know why she said it. I think about it a fair amount

because, well, she told me I was a fucking psychopath after sex. Should I read into this or should I stop caring because it means nothing? Please help a fellow Jew out. Interesting. Stop caring because it means nothing yeah is the option that i want to take i mean i yeah i think that's kind of the isn't that the only thing you can do because you've already you are you overthink it you already brought it up and she doesn't want to talk about it so like brought it up multiple times after good sex

yeah if you continue then you actually become the psychopath what do you mean i'm a psychopath that was four months ago but i can't stop thinking about it yeah do you really think i'm crazy i do now why why did you call me that after awesome sex? It wasn't that good. Excuse me? Why did you call me crazy that day? Because the sex was crazy good. Not really.

Do you have a problem with me? Oh, good lord. You're actually the psychopath for calling me that. Yeah, it's been four years, man man i don't know what to tell you you were wearing that outfit last time i saw you too i'm starting to think i am a psychopath that's how crazy you have me if you want to tell me what psychopath bet i'll i'll be over here in my hovel under the bridge. This guy ruined good sex by thinking about the compliment she gave him too much. Yeah.

I would not worry. Yeah. At least, because you can't solve this issue. She won't come to the table, so there's nothing you can do you never want to ask what the fuck did you mean by that after good sex right what the fuck did you mean by that and then also you really never want to be like you know that thing you told me to stop worrying about and asking you about well guess what i'm still worried about it and i'm asking again i'm freaked in a way and i know you want me to let it go but that isn't happening now

let it go let it go she's called him that once what a what a weird sliding doors moment she could have chosen any word instead she said psychopath seemingly by accident now it's driven you mad. I mean, maybe there's like a part of a small part of his brain that thought that he was acting psycho as he was having sex. She's like, man, like I feel I feel crazy. And then she said, you're a psychopath. And it was confirmed. And now you're really freaked out about it. A self-fulfilling psychopath prophecy.

Yeah. All right. Let uh let's try to answer one last question about a clingy co-worker okay lieutenant cleanliness writes day one here with a problem that i think you two could handle i recently moved to virginia for a job being that i don't really know anyone around here in virginia being dry as fuck I got closer to a group of coworkers And started going out with them on off days While out one night bowling Playing pool and smashing drinks

I participated in some flirting of the latest variety With this girl who works with us But not under the same company Here's when the problems began This chick ended up getting my number And after nothing more than one night of wafer-thin flirting, I wake up to a good morning honey text. Dope, right? How about nope?

I don't consider myself a dime piece, but this girl does not make my heart horny in the slightest. She's been hitting me up multiple times a day for the last week and a half, trying invite herself over to my place even jokingly followed me to my apartment complex after a night out it's like the 2am bang door she's always in our office throughout the work day and is good friends with most of my coworkers she's tried flirting during work

but I just kind of ignore it and go about my business this girl hasn't taken any hints my lack of texting or subtle brush offs so how do i go about shutting down this female with uh without all my new co-workers dare i say friends thinking i'm a dick for denying this clingy chick thanks fellas and toda love colonel lieutenant something president that's president cleanliness to you that's right i ran a successful campaign the commander and hanker chief very good

that's golden mike worthy if i hadn't already won it honestly you said you already had yeah yeah so i already did have it but it's rare it's rare to win two uh yeah and fuck it it's an honor yeah two you're saying you went two in this episode i went to this episode i'm honestly i'm chuffed by it so honest thank you yeah thank you thank you who are you thinking you gave it to yourself i think i think i'm thanking the people you're complimenting yourself and you're thanking somebody else for it nobody said anything you don't just get an award and not give a speech i'm not an asshole you think i just like walk i'm like oh whatever i because it means something to me that's i think that's why people appreciate that i that i get this award so often i definitely

think it hasn't lost it to you it hasn't lost its luster a lot of other people obviously it has they just they shrug their shoulders and they're like i don't have any room on my mantle for my 279th golden mic but i say no i have i've got plenty of shelf space and keep them coming because i love this award and i love podcast a lot of people would want to share the wealth especially when you're creating the currency from scratch trust me i do want to share the wealth i don't i'd love i do want to share the wealth. No, you don't. I would love to share the wealth. I really would. I think so.

Give me one. You have two. How about we split this one this episode? We each get one. You're thinking about it? You don't know if you want to do it. I don't think it's going to happen, but I did meaningfully consider it.

No way. You took four seconds. That wasn't soul searching. No, honestly. You fucking paused. I knew I was going to say no right from the start. Yes, I know. I wanted to make you think that I considered it so I didn't hurt your feelings, but you don't.

Okay, how about this? This is another whiffer from you. Since you're creating shit, and you are creating shit, fucking drum up another fake third trophy and give it to me. You still have two, and I have one. Okay. Okay. The Brown Turd Award for shittiness in podcasting is yours this episode. Same one.

I hate to give that to you. No, you don't. I hate to give that one to you. Same one. I want the golden mic. I really hate that I won two golden mics and you won a brown turd this episode. You win the brown turd for shittiness in podcasting. Congrats.

Congrats on that. Yeah. Do you have a speech? Do you want to give a speech? No. I'm afraid to ask, but have I ever won the brown turdy before? Oh my God.

What is this? Let's hear it. What's your answer? Have I ever won the brown turdy before oh my god what is this let's hear it what's your answer have i ever won the brown turdy award for shitty podcasting before to you this is your don't know keep in mind i can just win no award no golden mike but no turdy how many times have i won the turdy to you this is your 380th turdy every episode i get the turdy you get the golden mic and today you have two you've gotten the dirty turdy for every single episode we've ever done and every episode that you did without me which was the one with ben even uh even 30 turdies would have been too much and you're giving me 380 turkeys. 380 dirty turkeys for shittiness and podcasting.

And I hate to do that. I hate to do it publicly because you could have asked me privately. We could have talked about this off mic. You're mad at me. Listen to how mad you are at me for losing the award. I never wanted to have this. I never wanted to have this out here.

I don't think we need to air our dirty laundry like this. I agree. I don't think it's a good look for us. I agree. I don't think we need to air our dirty laundry like this. I agree. I don't think it's a good look for us. I agree. I don't think it's good for the podcast. Correct. Okay. So let's...

So let's what? Drop it. Let's leave it. Let's forget that this ever happened. I quickly want to say thank you for my two golden mics this episode. It's a humbling honor. And I'm cheesed and chuffed by it. Okay?

I know that you're cheesed. I know that you're chuffed. You don't have to say that shit. You're making up an award, and you're giving it to me. Because otherwise, I don't say anything, except that in silence, and I think that's weird. So I want to say thank you, and that's it. I think this is much weirder. All right.

Well, we don't even have to talk about it anymore, so it not weird it's it's over yes we're done correct let's drop it correct and i have no award you did get an no fucking you got an award i have no fucking you have i have no speech then you've got you have a brown streak that you're keeping alive here you've won every single tourney that's been awarded so you do have an award you just probably don't want to give a thank you speech because yes it's more like a no thank you speech exactly exactly yeah yeah yeah yes yes i'm by the way mad you're not you should be happy if you're i don't i'm not. I didn't want to have this conversation. This isn't fun for me. You gave me an award.

You made up an award. I wanted one of the golden mics, and you made up a turdy, and then you gave me $380. I didn't make it up. I didn't make it up. You earned it. How should this guy be blunt to this clingy coworker? I think with a very polite text.

Oh, that's good. What about a nice fake lie where you're like, sorry, I have a girlfriend. This is making me a little uncomfortable. Oh, that's, I mean, but then your friends and your co-workers think you have a girlfriend

and you're like, they're like, let's bring her around. And then you can't do that. And I think it's cleaner to be like, I'm not looking for a relationship right now or I'm not interested in seeing anybody. Honey. So it's not like personal.

It's not like I'm not interested in you. It's like I'm not interested at all in romance ATM. You think the good morning honey text ever works for this lady? No, I would say that is more of an indicator that she doesn't know how to flirt. I like the idea of calling it wafer thin flirting. I can't stress how thin this flirting was. It was absolutely vanilla.

It was vanilla wafer. It was saran wrap. It was aluminum foil skinny flirting. It was a translucent flirtation. Yeah. Let her know or lie to her or continue ignoring her until she gets the hint and finds a new honey. Three solid options. Just don't give in and hook up with her because that'll be bad.

Have you ever made that mistake? Yes. Often. Of course. I've honestly probably never done the other three things. Learn from my mistakes, folks things learn from my mistakes folks learn from my mistakes alright we're out of time

great episode I think we both did equally well thank you so much for writing in if you have your own questions or theme song submissions you can send it to if I were you show at gmail.com are you okay okay the opening one

the opening one is written by justin goncalves uh who wrote this closing one do you want to give any award to justin did he get anything you fucking prick justin could have a turdy if he wants he can have a turdy he actually wrote he He can have a turdy. He actually wrote, he made something for us. You haven't made shit. You fucking make up little awards to make yourself happy, and it just backfires. It makes you mad, you fucking prick. There's so much hate.

This closing one is written by Jake Guttridge, who did a My Name is Jonas cover for your ungrateful ass. Ooh. And then he wrote an original theme song for us he hopes we like it so from both of us who are both hosts of this podcast we say thank you Jake

and is there any last words you wanted to mention before we play the song no I just want to say here we go not much from me not much has changed for you in terms of I want to say... Yeah. Here we go. Not much from me. Not much has changed for you in terms of... I want to say thank you to...

I've got to change my heart about anything. ...for the theme song. I just want to single out and flag a point that you made that each of you and I had an equally good episode. I don't think that's fully accurate. I had a double golden mic episode and you had a tur good episode. I don't think that's fully accurate. I had a double golden mic episode and you had a turdy episode. Do you think it's fair that I think that?

That you think that? Yeah, do you think it's fair that we both did equally well? Not that I did better. Do you think it's fair that I think we did equally well? It's not about fair. It's about, I mean, I don't think it's...

Do you think it's fair? I think it's about accuracy. It's not about fair. It's about, I mean, I don't think it's... Do you think it's fair? I think it's about accuracy. Do you think it's fair that I think that we did equally well? You're entitled to feel however you want. I'm not going to tell you how you feel. So feel whatever you want. And will you tell me it's fair? I'll tell you it's fair.

It's fair to feel however you want, but it's not correct. All right. You're wrong about this. It's objective. All right. Go fuck yourself, you little piece of shit. All right. You're wrong about this. It's objective. All right. Go fuck yourself, you little piece of shit. All right. Nothing but hate for you.

See you next week, everybody. Later. The turdy. The turdy. The turdy. It's if I were you, show Get the best advice If you need it, if you need it If you need it, they'll take the piss out of you

Come rain or snow, they'll deliver one podcast when you need it to help to get through whatever troubles are heading your way it's if I were you show at gmail.com

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