Segments - 381: Game of Thrones

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

In this episode we discuss hot bosses, motorcycle uncles, and phone numbers. Then Jake gives out this episodes Golden Mic and Turdy awards.Come see us in Chicago on June 15!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Don Keanu. Don Keanu. That's a cool name. If I were you, it starts right now.

What? If I were you, it starts right now. If I were you, it starts right now. If I were you, it starts right now. Whoa. Banger. It was a rave feel. That was an anthem.

Another one. Throw your damn hands up. It actually was another one from Don Keanian. Don Keanian. He actually used us talking about how much we liked his name in the actual theme song. That's cool. So that was a collab in a way then. In a way it was a collab.

And he says this one features Amir's brilliant vocal ad-lib. Ooh. And if you wouldn't mind shouting out my SoundCloud, I just released a new song called Xenon Lullaby. So soundcloud.com slash D, Kianion. Cool. There you have it. Kianion. That about, yeah, donkey.

No, not donkey, but Don space Kianion. It just sounds like donkey on and on. Yeah. But that's not the case. We're going to donkey and we're going to donkey on and we're going to donkey on and on. And then he has his phone number. Really? Yeah. Don that's not the case. We're going to donkey, and we're going to donkey on, and we're going to donkey on and on. And then he has his phone number. Really? Yeah.

Don't read that. That's probably just part of his email signature, and he didn't turn it off. I don't think he wants you to say his number. Okay. I will. Why don't I say part of it? No, I don't think you should say any of it, really. Yeah, it is part of his email signature.

Yeah, so I don't think that it's, I think it's absolutely unintentional. All right. He would, no way does he want that getting out. To, yeah. So don't say any part of it. You said you were. I'm just. You agreed.

You said, yeah. I was like, don't say it. I'm like OCD about this shit that I want to read every single last corner of it. Say it after. Okay. You don't have to read every last quarter. You're reading, you've read the email actually. You did read everything.

224. Stop it. You're already, you've, you said you were not going to do this. Not yet. And now you. 224. Stop it. You're already you said you were not going to do this. And now you said 224. 2249. That's fine. If you're putting your hands up 2249. Yes. Great. No one can know the rest of his number.

No one's going to, like obviously no one's going to try to guess it. True. I didn't even say the area code yet. You didn't say the area code. Alright, cool. But yeah. Now we got the five. We already know you said 22495.

That's the area code. Not 22415. Five's not an area code. So now you're, and his number was 2249 and I don't want to say the last

three digits. That's a, it's a invasion of his privacy. Yes, it is. It was an invasion of his privacy to say,

to say the first digits. Yeah. But now I feel like his privacy to say the first digits. Yeah. But now I feel like, yeah. You said 2249. Yes. Which isn't even a good way to say a phone number. You said four digits. And then I went back.

I mean, traditionally it's three, then four. Yeah, usually you go 22491 whatever, whatever. Well, now you said nine. You said 91 now. Yes. So you said 22491. We're down to two digits. Do not say the last two digits, because people will call them.

They're funny is all. So I feel like people might infer. Well, now we know it's 69. Right? Is it? Is it? The way you just lit up, the way you're being coy and saying, is it? It's not 69.

It's 69 plus two. So you did tell everyone the last two digits. Did I? And what's funny about the number 71 it's not it may not be 71 but it might be a really silly number like 69 plus two so it may not be or it might be 2249171 that's all i'll say well you already that's a full And yeah, you said you weren't going to do this. Thank you, Don. And instead you made a whole meal out of it.

You'd said it over the course of the last several minutes. If I just said it, it would have came and went and we would have glossed over it. Maybe you're right. But then we went through this whole song and dance, this whole pony show about you saying the number or not. And now we've really highlighted the fact that you said the number. Yeah. And it's easy really highlighted the fact that you said the number.

Yeah. And it's easy to remember. 224-9171. Nice. Yeah. Good job. I feel like... Now I've said it.

Now I'm complicit. And I appreciate it. I'm going to call him to apologize. And I appreciate you guys listening to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. Your brother is traveling internationally that's right but he is still working on our email or this is all backlog it must be backlog but then he did have some long some long ass flights the baby boy's in bali whoa what's in bali i think some eco hostels some swanky cheap Airbnbs Infinity pools and beaches And hot young people In their 20s

At least from what I can tell from Instagram Uncle Amir would have loved an invite When you call yourself uncle Come on nephew You're so sure to not be invited to the hostel I'd love to hang out with a hot Bali 20 year old What kind of 25 year old brings his uncle to a hostel? It won't be a hostel when Uncle Amir's there.

Stop calling yourself. It'll be called a fun spot. I hate that you are an uncle. A fo-tel. A fun hotel. And when Uncle Amir's in the house, no one sleeps in their cot. We're all making a fucking fort. You're still wearing your snorkel and your flippers, Uncle Amir.

I'm wearing a snorkel and a grind guard. No, I would have loved to be there. Actually, search the geotags. I might hitch a ride from his Instagram story. Jesus. But for now, let's try to answer some questions that he dug up in our email. Here's one about groomsmen, which you might be able to help us out with. Yes, because he was the best man.

Planned the bachelor party. You were a groomsman. That's right. Yeah, okay, cool. So we're all coming from a place of wisdom here. I have a dilemma, writes this groomsman. We'll call David. Okay.

One of your groomsmen that I hope you can shed some light on. My girlfriend and I just got engaged. Super pumped about that. Nice. My girlfriend says that she'll probably have around five to seven bridesmaids. My problem is I don't know how to narrow down my groomsmen to that number. I've lived in one town for most of my life, so I was lucky to get close to a bunch of different people over time. I went to a college and made a ton of great friends there. If I had to list all the guys I

would want in my wedding, it would easily climb to the 10 to 15 range, in my wedding I should say, which I know sounds ridiculous. How do I narrow this down? Is there a rule or protocol for this? By the end of the year, I will have been in seven of my best friend's wedding as a groomsman, but even some of those guys probably wouldn't make the cut for my wedding. Would they be offended if I didn't return the offer? I know I have to narrow it down,

but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Help. Thanks, dudes. Long time fan. Thanks for all that you do. Oh, P.S. Congratulations to Jake for winning the golden mic of the episode.

Thank you. Thank you. We haven't decided that for winning the golden mic of the episode. Thank you. Thank you. We haven't decided that for this episode, I don't think. It's too early in the episode. It's too early in the episode to tell. But I really feel like if you're just fiending for the golden mic, you don't win it. Yeah, I'm not. I didn't even bring it up.

It's all you think about. No, I don't even care. I feel like if you reach for the golden mic, it's just not even going to happen. Yeah. I don't. Okay. So whatever. So whatever.

You don't care about it. I care enough to want it, but not enough that it's desperate that I get fucking eliminated. By the way, the award is meaningless, I should say. All right. So here's two things that have happened in this episode. You say you want the golden mic. I do. so here's two things that have happened in this episode you want you say you want the golden mic i do you want it you want it so bad that you're like sort of you're hemming and hawing backpedaling about if you want it or not so bad and then you're also calling you're saying that it's meaningless which is another i i would i would say that's a disqualifier as well not disqualified not

disqualified forget i even said that part forget the part. I don't even want to talk about that part. You want to forget the golden mic? You're sitting next to, by the way, an actual trophy that a fan sent us. Yeah, and I really appreciate it. I'm humbled, honored, chuffed, and cheesed by it. So I don't know who sent it to us, but thank you. Jake is currently in possession of it because he won it last week. I really don't care if I win it this week or not. That's a DQ.

What? That's a DQ, not. That's a DQ. What? That's a DQ, bud. That's a DQ. I didn't say anything. You say you don't give a shit about the award? No, I said I didn't care a lot. You said you wanted it? You said it was meaningless? You said you don't care?

You're DQ'd. Three strikes, you're out. I get the golden mic for this episode. 380. Is this episode 380? I'd have to check, but yeah. Yeah. No, last week was 380, so this is 381.

So this is my 380th golden mic. 381. Oh, because, yeah, the one episode that you didn't win, and I didn't win either. The Ben one. Yeah. Why was I DQ'd for this one? Just so I know, going forward. Because you wanted it too bad, and then you said it didn't mean anything, and then you said

forget it. And I'm just like, I'm tracking all these things. I hate to win it by default. I wouldn't even consider this a win. I'll call this episode a wash. Okay, so why don't we both not win it? We'll both not win it. Well, you forfeit. It has to go to somebody. It's an award after all. And you have to give

it out every single episode. I'll take it. And I appreciate it. And I'm humbled, honored, chuffed, and cheesed. Fine. Fine. You haven't given out the turdy yet, have you? The one for the worst, shittiest... That one hasn't come out yet. Try not to be hyper-focused on it, because that's a sure way to win the turdy.

I'm not going to get the turdy this week. Watch. All right. Ready? Yeah. Does there have to be an equal amount of groomsmen and bridesmaids? No. So this is, I think it's almost more fun when you don't have that.

Like if you've got bridesmaids walking down with a groom on each arm, that's kind of fun. Yeah. I also love the idea of like a rowdy, lively, big wedding party. Like having 14 of your best friends walk seven bridesmaids down the aisle, that's fun. That's super cool. Yeah. seven bridesmaids down the aisle it's that's fun that's super cool yeah um i think the the part that like maybe you got to be a little worried about is like if you have such a big groomsman party like i felt like mine was five right yeah mine was five people um and no wait yes it was

five uh and if but if i had like one more person it would have spilled over to like eight or something you know it's like a tiered system yeah yeah this person then it's the next chunk of four so if you have like 15 i feel like you're getting into the territory where you're like damn this guy has 15 people and i still didn't get the invite. But that said, I also think that on your wedding day, it's your fucking call. Don't even worry about it. So you can have 15, she can have five. Yeah, I think so. I think it's-

Do you want 15? That's a lot of people to get prepped with and worry about because it is a little stressful. You got to get them gifts. You got to take the pictures. You got to have this, that, and the other. Where do they stand? Right. But it's so much about like the vibe that you want to create. So if you want to have like a rowdy, fun, getting ready, if these are your boys, then do it. But if you're thinking like, no, I want to like keep it, I want to keep it real

mellow, or maybe your guys are mellow, really knows yeah but i've been in bigger wedding parties like my my brother-in-law there was like 10 of us or something like that 10 i think so jesus there's a lot that's a lot of friends and it wasn't crazy rowdy it was it was perfectly fine and then mine was only five people, and Carnell almost burned our room down. So you could have a few people. Well, he almost ruined his suit and my brother's suit with the steamer. The steamer. And took a video of me in the shower. Yes.

So you can either have 15 people or just one Carnell. Yeah. That's the exchange right there. Yeah. 15 people or just like one carnell yeah that's the that's the exchange right there yeah i imagine that's one of the most more stressful parts of planning a wedding is choosing your best friends you have to rank a little bit yeah there's a lot of like ranking people at the wedding that's associated with planning a wedding because it's like who do you want in the wedding who you want in the wedding who you want to invite to the wedding and then even like tables like who are you going to sit next to who?

And like, does this table get a good view or does this person have to sit next to Uncle Morty or something? And who gets to sit next to Uncle Amir? Uncle Amir gets post-nasal drip

around celebration times. Still in a snorkel. That's why I've, since the age of 18, I keep a running tab of the top 300 people in my life. And it's like a sliding scale that I adjust every day so that when I'm ready to pull the 18, I keep a running tab of the top 300 people in my life. And it's like

a sliding scale that I adjust every day so that when I'm ready to pull the trigger, get married, boom, I know who the top 180 are. I know who the top 240 are. I know where they're sitting. I know who are the groomsmen. I know the top, however, four or five, eight, 12, 16 friends in my life. And then that way I'm not stressed out about it because I've been stressed out about it since I've been fucking 12. I know I said 18 earlier, but it was 12 earlier. You just won the tourney. What?

You just won the goddamn tourney with your math rant. With your math rant. No wonder I've gotten so many tourneys. A lot of them are math rants. They're almost all math rants. It's 15 minutes deep. You've already won a golden mic. I hope it's the only one of the episode, because last episode you won two.

Last time there were two. And I got a fucking... No, I won this one by default. I didn't even want to win this one like that. You made me win the golden mic by a forfeit. I didn't forfeit. I feel like for that, you win two turdies. You forfeit the golden mic.

That's an auto turdy. And the math rant, that's a dual turdies. You forfeit the golden mic. That's an auto turdy. And the math rant, that's a dual turdy. That's two number twos. No, that wasn't good. That's a math joke. That's a math joke. That's a golden mic. A two number twos is a golden mic joke, but my 18 and 12 is a turdy.

Do you see where the discrepancy is? Number two is good because it's 30. Yes. And number two is what you, it's the. No, I know the joke. It's a numbers joke. Mine was a numbers joke. You gave me a shit award.

It's not a numbers joke. It's a shit, yeah, it's a shit award. And number two is sort of like the slang, the common man nomenclature for a duty. Thank you. Yeah. Cool. Congrats, by the way. I feel like you came in here

with the agenda to give yourself a golden mic. I never had an agenda. You were the one that brought it up. You brought it up and you brought up the turdy. You brought up both.

Basically, you don't have to have as many groomsmen as bridesmaids. Right. I don't think you do. Bingo, bingo, bongo. Here's one from a lady.

Ooh la la. We'll call Daenerys Targaryen. Very nice. That's right. I saw the last episode of Game of Thrones. Episode 3, Season 8. Battle of Winterfell. With spoilers? Or are we in a spoil? You have to say it up front. Enough time has elapsed.

The spoiler has been spoiled. It's been over a week week that's right but so then still spoiler alert did you like it uh i obviously had no emotional attachment to any of the characters so the deaths meant nothing to me uh it was visually cool at parts there were parts that looked cool i wouldn't say it looked any cooler than like a random movie from 2010 that I would like channel flip by on TBS. A lot of people had issues with the lighting. They said that they couldn't see the episode. They didn't like the way it looked. Yeah, that didn't come up in my viewing of it. I wasn't like, this is too dark. I'm like, oh, this is a battle scene at

night. So this is what it's supposed to look like. Did you think that it was too dark before you read all the tweets about it? I didn't read any. Yeah, I didn't read any tweets about it till afterwards. And during the episode, I like spent 10 minutes trying to adjust the brightness on my TV. Because it was too dark. Yeah, I couldn't see anything. Do you think they did that on purpose? Because like we don't have a lot of money for special effects.

So, like, let's make it really dark and then it'll be, like, it won't matter what things look like as much. I read, well, there are parts of that that are, like, if that is the case, it worked. Like, the Dothraki torches or, like, blazing Ereks, like like going across the field in the dark I don't know maybe that wasn't like a super expensive effect because you couldn't really see anything except the torches but it looked awesome that was great and the rest of it I think

I think I read that it was more about like they're trying to get like naturalistic lighting naturalistic lighting in this dragon fight? Yeah. Like the people in Game of Thrones have been like trying to make it like muddier and bleaker at night because that's like how medieval time was. Like, yeah, this was really just being lit by torches and candles.

But it was their decision to do it at night. Yeah. And I guess their decision to like put people in an ice storm also, just like make everything fucking hard to see. Yeah. So that was a major complaint

for you. Yeah, I thought it was annoying that it was hard to see. Still, there was a lot of parts that were like visually stunning. I have,

I really disliked the episode. Whoa, really disliked. And that's the first, I was even on board for like season seven when they like went beyond the wall to get the white light and bring it back to King's Landing,

which everybody or so many people thought was lame. So you were like, you were always a Game of Thrones apologist. Yeah. You guys think this is lame? Yeah, like maybe this is a little unbelievable, but don't we want to see them do this? This is cool. Yeah. And like, this is the little unbelievable, but don't we want to see them do this? This is cool.

Yeah. And like, this is the first time where I was like that. I felt like they, I felt like I was hoodwinked. Hoodwinked because the battle was too dark to see or it didn't make sense for the story. Didn't make sense for the story. What didn't make sense for the story? So my big concern is um keep in mind i've only seen season one in this episode so there might be some stuff that i missed in in between well actually that's almost this almost works yeah um in season one in like episode one they they show the threat of the undead that's right

the white lockers yeah and the entire show has been about preparing for the battle of the undead it's why john snow lets the wildlings through the wall which you you don't know but like it's all been it's why he's murdered it's yeah it's like everything is like so many people's storylines are like stop worrying about the game of thrones the big battle the great war is coming and um cersei laughs at this. She's like, you know, that's not real. It's why they go beyond the wall to bring a wight to King's Landing. It's why Jaime goes up to King's Landing. It's like, hey, the battle of the living and the dead. That's what it's all about. And then in a single episode, it's dispelled. It's gone.

The battle starts and ends in 60 minutes. Yes. And I know there are battles like Hardhome and Beyond the Wall or whatever, Fist of the First Man, where they fight these things. But like it feels like they should have marched south. The rest of the realm should have seen that the threat was real and that the people who banded together in Winterfell are the real heroes of the story. But instead, just a ton of them died and then they win. And the rest of the realm is just like, what happened up there? Did the White Walkers actually come like you said?

And was it part of the plan or did Arya just say like, you know what, I'm going to hide in a tree and wait for the fucking Night King. And it's like, don't worry about your plan. Sorry about the 75,000 dead or whatever. Watch this. I did it. I killed the king. I mean, yeah, I have no idea. That's like her coming out of nowhere

and just like jumping through the air and stabbing him. Maybe in the next few episodes they'll be like, oh, here's how she did that. It made sense. But she's an assassin. She spent a season training to be an assassin. But when episodes, they'll be like, oh, here's how she did that. It made sense. But like she is, she's an assassin. She like spent a season training to be an assassin.

But when that happened, were you like, hell yeah. Or were you like, uh, what? I was really happy because I love Arya and I always wanted the Night King to die.

I wanted somebody to kill him and have the entire army fall. I like knew that's how you kill him. But like they also established that there's the Night King, the Whites, and the White Walkers. The White Walkers are like sort of better than just like the straight up

zombies but not quite the Night King. They're the ones that exploded when he died. Yeah. Like they those are bosses too. Like they should have had the other heroes fight the bosses. And like if you kill one of those things you kill you know not all of the army but a portion of it and it's just weird to like have all of the heroes of your story

who have like who you've you're so invested in everybody is like i don't want these people to die i don't want these people to die and then have them in this battle and like the only challenge they face is just like a volume game of zombies. Yeah, like Jaime on the castle stabbing, stabbing, stabbing. Just stab, stab, stab, stab. He doesn't have a moment where it's like, oh shit, now you have to face a boss. Or you and Brienne have to like take down a White Walker. And even Daenerys and Jon on like their dragons. There was no like real, I guess there was a dragon fight.

But there was no like. It was too hard to see. Yeah, there's no heroic moment where he like saved people or did anything impressive. I just feel like if you spend eight seasons growing to love all of these characters, you have to give them a more interesting moment than just like have them disappear into darkness and zombies for an entire episode only to have all of it undone with just one person stabbing the guy in the gut. Yeah. Did everyone know that Arya did it or they're like, whoa, what just happened? Somebody unplugged all of them.

I think everybody knew that that was like the way they killed the White Walkers. It's also, that's what a insane weak link that like, all right, this is our whole army. And if anything happens to this one guy, everyone's dead. So let's all just make sure that nothing, no one's ever jumping out of the air at him. Yeah. Don't worry.

I'll stand here while you talk to this kid in a wheelchair. This one's also really small, but I thought Theon, who is like such a, has a really cool character arc when he like turns and it's like, and Brandon's like, you're a good man. He's like, this is his last stand. he just runs at him with a spear yeah you don't want to just like

killed yeah at least have like challenge him to a fight right wide stance boy come on lad fight for your life try do something just run at him with a spear yeah so he had a different plan than Arya, had a different plan than the army. It seemed like everyone was just sort of operating on their own agenda. Right. I think that was another thing that I really didn't like. Like Jon Snow is supposed to be the leader of all these people and their plan is just really bad. All of the horse people go charge into the darkness. Okay.

They die instantly. Die instantly. Then theoretically they turn into zombies. Uh-huh. And then we're just going to have, I don't know, I guess a little trench that needs to be lit on fire. He's fighting American gladiator style against a dragon, was it? At what point does he yell at the dragon?

What was he trying to do to the dragon? Something was breathing fire at him. Was it a monster or a dragon? Yeah, he couldn't get by it, so then he finally stood up and just screamed at it. Did that work? Everyone just died. Holy shit. John running in, guys,

I think I did it. All I had to do was scream at the dragon. Yeah, no, Arya stabbed the Night King. Really? Yeah. I thought I was Azor Ahai. There's only one way to kill the Night King. I guess Arya had the sword. I will. It happened at the same time as I screamed at the dragon. How did you penetrate the Night King? I guess Arya had the sword. I will. It happened at the same time as I screamed at the dragon. How did you penetrate the Night King?

He was just sort of walking around, kind of on like an evening stroll, solo Dolo style. So it wasn't that hard. His armor was loose on the day. He was smiling at Bran. Yeah, he didn't really want to kill Bran. It seemed like he was in no rush to get safe. He felt like he was just, there was no one around him. Yeah, it's, I mean,

does it retroactively ruin the show for you? No, but it definitely, like, it punctured a hole in it that I don't think could be repaired. So that's pretty bad. Yeah. I mean, I basically thought... It can no longer be the greatest show. No, I think it

still can be. But I think that they really let it, they really let me down. And it sort of felt like the, you holding your dragon figurine the entire episode. It was really, so two things. One, I just like, it made, it made the show creators and the writers human for me. I was like, oh, like the, all of the fan theories that I read online were better than what just happened yeah like these guys actually did a dumb thing it's just like this random 43 year old that's been getting lucky so far and then the other like when it was over um i was watching with jill who's like not a fan but like has watched this season and was and she liked the episode oh and she was like

um she's like wow and she turned to me i was like just episode. Oh. And she was like, she's like, wow. And then she turned to me and I was like, just like, I was a shell. I was like, I don't know if I liked it. Like, I didn't even know if I liked it. Cause I like, I, I didn't, and I didn't have the courage to say it. If everyone loved it or if everyone hated it, does that swing people on the fence? I really had to read.

So like after it was over, I was like, I don't think I liked it. And then we were talking and I was like, maybe, no, maybe I did. loved it or if everyone hated it does that swing people on the fence i really had to read so like after it was over i was like i don't think i liked it and then we were talking i was like maybe no maybe i did this was cool like the dragons going way up above into the clouds was cool joro like that was awesome like no maybe i did like aria killed the king like that's good and then i was like in bed reading reviews and some of them were positive and i like just like new york times had a glowing review and i was like fuck i guess it's just like New York Times had a glowing review. And I was like, fuck, I guess it's good. And then I started reading, like, I think Slate had a negative one.

I was like, oh, no, this is what I didn't like about it. I agree with this. Yeah, then maybe The Verge. I don't know. I was like, then I was like looking for negative reviews just to see people who could articulate better than I could. That's kind of how I felt about Us. Did you see the movie Us, the Jordan Peele movie? No.

It was like an awesome looking thing. And then you're like, wait a minute, that part didn't make sense. And then everyone's like, wait, how did that work? I'm like, yeah, how did that work? That's true. Yeah. That's almost riskier though, because you're like in the comedy community. So for me to say that Game of Thrones sucked, I don't really feel any risk here. Like what's going to happen? Well, Us isn't a comedy community. So for me to say that Game of Thrones sucked, I don't really feel any risk here.

Like, what's going to happen? Well, Us isn't a comedy either. Yeah, I guess that's true. But Jordan Peele wrote it. Yeah, he wrote it. He directed it really well. Yeah. So that part was good. Mr. Peele, if I could audition for you. Don't get me wrong. I loved Get Out, another movie of his. But yeah, I mean, a lot of people brought up the fact that there's some stuff that's like, wait, if you think about it too long, the movie starts falling apart. Whereas Get Out, if you think about it, the movie gets stronger. Oh, that's cool. Anyway, you should watch us and let me know what you think. I also just realized I want to write for the Game of Thrones spinoff.

There's a spinoff? D&D, if you guys are listening, I really think I could help fix the problems. Yeah, they're going to do like a, like in the same world, in Westeros show. Huh. Yeah. The creation of the Night King,

the first Azor Ahai, all of that stuff. Oh, Jesus. All right, fine. I'll watch that, I guess. You gave up on, you're not going to watch Game of Thrones. No.

You're just going to watch the last season. Yeah, or I don't even know if I'll watch it. I just wonder, everyone's like, you got to watch tonight. Tonight's the big episode, longest battle. It's a historic moment in television history. So maybe it was built up too much too. Yeah, that's definitely possible. All right, let's take a break now.

We'll thank some sponsors. We'll be back. And then we'll get back. Yeah, get a question. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. Pick 6 credits expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. I'm coming.

That was gross. No. Okay. I've been thinking about car washes. Car washes, I feel, are underappreciated, undervalued. Cars are on the mind. Yeah, since your Audi question last week, I've been thinking about cars. Got a car wash this week.

I'm like, this is great. Makes my car feel almost brand new. Costs like $12. It takes like 25 minutes. Are they cheap mostly in LA? Yeah. Anything car related is cheaper in LA because there are so many cars

they can charge less. Because it's weird. Car washes, I grew up on the East Coast. I grew up in Connecticut. We had like one car wash in our neighborhood. Is it because it rains all the time? Maybe so.

Or because it's snow, you're not going to like get a car wash and then it's like, okay, there's a storm. Yeah, I don't know if it's like either because it rains all the time, so your car is going to get clean in the rain. Or if it's just like, no, the weather is so shitty that it's just like your car is going to be fucked all the time. Yeah. But yeah, LA is like everywhere you go, you see a car wash. Yeah. And between April and October, it's just dusty. So you might as well get a car wash.

It makes your car feel cleaner. It's kind of like my water pick idea, but for your car. Oh, yeah. Do you do the car wash where you sit in the car or do you leave the car? The deep cleanse is like, I'm going to give the car away and they're going to just have at it for half an hour. But if I'm like, if I don't have that much time or if I'm not near one, I'll do the drive-through kind. The drive-through kind is more like a little boost to get me to the next car wash.

Right. That's the rinse out your mouth with water. But if you want the water pick, if you want the full bidet treatment. Oh, yeah. They'll take it. And then you can sit and watch the conveyor belt like your newborn baby. Like, that's my car. Look, it's getting a little wax thing.

I like to be in the car when it goes through the thing because I'm nostalgic for it. Oh, yeah. So your advice is to get more car washes. Get more car washes. Yeah. Treat yourself. Is NADDPod sold out for HeadGum Live in Chicago? I think it's weird.

There's like only balcony or only opera box seats left. Yeah. And you can only buy the whole entire opera box. That's right. There's a few groups of six that have to buy tickets to your NAD pod show in Chicago. Yeah. So it is all sold out. I mean, if somebody has five friends and wants to come. Or if they've got – if they're business-minded, they could buy all six and then sell four at a profit.

That's cool. Like scalp tickets to Hedgum Live. Right. Or just like put them online or Twitter. If somebody did that and tweeted at me, I would – Help facilitate the sale. Yeah. For a small fee. Of course. Now you're becoming facilitate the sale. Yeah. For a small fee.

Of course. Now you're becoming the middleman. Yeah. That's the golden mic to action. I want the squeeze. I want the juice. I want the vig. Tickets still available for If I Were You and High and Mighty, a bunch of other shows

at HeadGum Live. It's headgum.com slash live for tickets. Get them while you can. June 14th, 15th, 16th, Talia Hall in Chicago. Can't wait. There's going to be a party. And there's, wait, yeah, there's tickets for us still. Yeah, for our show and some of the other ones haven't sold out yet, but they're going fast. I will say that much. So grab them while you can. All right. This is finally the email. The 25-year-old Jewess who's in a bit of a pickle will call, once again, Danny. That's a thing people do.

They call Denarius Danny, right? It's just like a cute little nickname for the fucking queen. Danny writes, I started a new job and became pretty friendly and flirty with some of my coworkers. It's a restaurant, and the two cooks have both been flirting with me. They're both really cute in their own ways and the attention is making me dizzy. I don't consider myself particularly attractive, so getting compliments feels really special. It was my birthday last week and I invited them both to my party. Only one of them came.

He ended up staying over and we fucked around. We even laughed about how he had called dibs on me and talked about me with the other cook. He's great in bed and we had a lot of fun. An hour or so after he kissed me goodbye and left my apartment, I get a Facebook message from the other one. His best friend asking me out on a date. His spidey dick was tingling. I guess he doesn't understand dibs. Should I and should anyone have the right to dibs me?

The second guy is really fucking hot and was really funny and kind the one time we met. Do I let them both work it out on their own? Do I tell guy one that guy two is hitting on me? Do I try to convince them to have a threesome or date me as a thruple? I feel silly about moving fast with guy one before I saw what guy two had to offer. But does it mean he doesn't need to be first come first serve? I both hate and love that I'm being treated like a trophy. Not unlike your golden mic trophy.

As I mentioned, don't disrespect that. As I mentioned, I'm not used to this attention. So I'm worried I'll make choose or do I have to be responsible? Any help you can have would be greatly appreciated. And then it said, see you at your second cousin's bat mitzvah because I went to camp with her older brother. Are you going to a second cousin's bat mitzvah? When is this question dated? Because Micah might have gone further back. No no this is just two days ago oh yeah i don't have a second cousin yeah maybe she's just being cheeky maybe in a daniel thing yeah um all right well first of all congrats she fooled around with one guy and then the other

guy slid into her FBM. Doesn't this always happen? There's like two people in your life. Like two people come into your life and you'd be like, oh, they're both cute. Like and then you go for the one that's like the easiest. Yeah. Like the nearest buy. Yeah.

And then you're like, oh, shit. But the one that's hotter actually liked me. That's right. Does she owe it to either of them to tell them about the other? Definitely not. They should be talking if they're best buds. I mean, they probably already know.

So it's like, I asked that girl out and then he's like, oh, I actually fooled around with her. Yeah, like I would imagine that this guy, the one who Facebook messaged you, finding out that his friend fucked you would only make him like – I don't know if they had sex. Oh, right.

Okay. But they fucked around. I mean if you didn't have sex, then hell yeah. This is like super on, you know? With either one of them. With either one of them. So she gets – she can actually move from guy one to guy two. Definitely.

So she's like, yeah, I'll go on a date with you. But like, does she want to just, it doesn't sound like she wants to like just fully pivot to guy one. She kind of, she's enjoying this time of being sought after by both of them. That's right. So, I mean, I would just enjoy that. I don't think you have to make any decisions, but you definitely don't have to worry about what decisions they're making.

Can she... Like, you'll never be able to know. Can she Facebook message this guy and be like, yeah, I'll go out with you? Yeah, definitely. Without the whole, I should let you know that I've been hanging out with guy one. No.

You don't have to say that. So just a straight up, yeah, let's hang out. Been hanging out. They only hung out yesterday. We don't even know what this guy's intentions are. Well, he wants to take her out. Guy two does. Yeah.

So maybe, I mean, I would definitely just go out and then if it comes up, if it doesn't, if, I mean, this is going to get weird at work, obviously. Naturally. Let's put that out there. It's going to get weird at work, obviously. Naturally. Let's put that out there. It's going to get weird at work. But it's a restaurant, you know? Everybody's fucking everybody a restaurant. It's an in and out.

It's transactional. Oh, the bar back's fucking the owner. The bartender's fucking the bar. And I'm at the corner holding a toaster oven's outlet. Jerk it off. I really am. I'm holding an outlet. I'm Jango in the kitchen. I'm having a Harvey Wallbanger. What's that? Jerk it off. I really am. I'm holding an outlet. I'm J-A-N-G-O in the kitchen.

I'm having a Harvey Wallbanger. What's that? It's a drink and a sex move. What's the sex move of it? You fuck a wall? Got it. I'm a horny bartender and I fuck to wall. Oh, call me out on it, why don't you?

Yes, I fucked a wall. So she don't think she owes this guy any explanation? No. Which is the one that called dibs? The first guy, the one that she hooked up with. The one that she hooked up with? Yeah. The one that she hooked up with called dibs?

Unfortunately, sweetheart, that's game over. What? You've been called dibs upon. What's wrong with your mouth? Oh, it's sort of stuck. Yeah, my lower jaw. You're chewing a lot of ham or something. It's chaw, it's ham, and I'm smoking a cigar

and sniffing a brandy. It's a cham cigar. It's a cham cigar. Well, shucks, sister. You've been called dibs upon. You've been dibbed. You've been thus dibbed. Oh, you missed the spittoon.

I'm the mayor of Chicago in 1904. Yeah. Name? Chauncey. Harvey Wallbanger, if you can believe it. Very good. That's almost golden mic worthy if you didn't forfeit the mic earlier in the episode. I don't think so.

I want you to know that. The Harvey Wallbanger callback, that's the golden earlier in the episode. I don't think I did. I want you to know that. The Harvey Wallbanger callback, that's the golden mic that never was. You don't think I've ever made a joke like that on the show before? I think you have, but I think maybe something I had done or said before was better.

Got it. And then do you think I've... Have there been some times where I made the best joke, but I had been DQ'd beforehand? This is the first ever DQ. I don't want you to think that you've DQ'd before, and that's the only reason why I have won. This is the first ever Golden Mike by forfeit, and there will be an asterisk on it forever, which pains me to say, but it helps that I won.

But what? There's an asterisk. On the award you're giving yourself, with a trophy you're giving yourself, but what? Let's hear it. I was just going to say, but I did win the second Golden Mike this episode. So you got it. What was the second one for? Look, it's not important.

I don't want to relitigate every single Golden Mike. We're not going to do that. That's not what the golden mic's about. Why did I get DQ'd for this one? Because all I, all I remember doing is reading. You said you didn't care about it. No, you said, I said, P.S. Good job on Jake winning the golden mic last week. And then you're like, I hope you're, you're not too obsessed with it. And I said, no, I'm not too obsessed with it. And then you DQ'd me for not caring. It was three strikes because you were obsessed. No. Then you said I made it up. No way. And then you said you'd me for not caring. It was three strikes. Because you were obsessed? No. Then you said I made it up. No way. And then you said you didn't care.

So that's three strikes and you're out. That's it. You're out. And I feel like I just don't want to get too far into the weeds with this thing. Because it's a lot of like peeking under the hood, seeing how the sausage is made. People just tune in to hear the show. Yes. Let's just try to have fun.

I am trying to have fun, but you're sitting here across from me. You got the sunglasses on. You're holding a trophy. You're holding a small little mic. It's a small trophy. It's a fucking. Don't make me take you out of the running for next week. Oh, my God.

I can already be eliminated for next week. I've never done it before. No, you haven't. I'm not going to do it. Thank you. I wouldn't do that. Fucking Christ. What? No, just saying. Don't take me out for next week. Okay. I'm not gonna do it thank you I wouldn't do that fucking Christ what

no just saying take me yeah don't take me out for next week okay Jesus

I'm trying to find one last question before I have to get out of here yeah well let's try to have fun because I feel like that really

you know we're bringing the energy down you make it all about the golden mic you're pissed you're sad you're mad at yourself I imagine

but I think you're a really cool co-host okay thank you're pissed you're sad you're mad at yourself i imagine but i think you're a really cool co-host okay thank you okay thank you i think you're super funny the harvey wallbanger shit was awesome that was a really good callback thank you i needed to hear that i wish i hadn't been dq'd earlier in the episode for reading i'm making about the dq thing i'm trying to just move forward okay and you're all you're just like backpedaling and backtracking. Can I get a smile out of you? Can I see a smile? Can I see teeth?

Good. All right. That was a nice smile. How about a little laugh? That wasn't a laugh. I need a guffaw from you. Ha. Ha.

There we go. Was that so hard? I wish I didn't win a turdy. That would make... So do I. How about you still win the golden... So do I. You still win the golden mic.

I won two golden mics this episode. You won two turdies. Get rid of one of my turdies for making the Harvey Wall being a joke. I showed you the teeth. I gave you the smile. Give me one turdy

to your two golden mics. You're still way ahead. You net out up three trophies. I'll tell the teeth. I gave you the smile. Give me one turdy to your two golden mics. You're still way ahead. You net out up three trophies. I'll tell you what. I'm going to take away your turdy for the Harvey Walpin. And I'm going to give you another turdy for obsessing over it. Okay? You've derailed the show into an obsessive quest for a golden mic,

which is an award you have to earn. You don't just get it. An award you made up. They don't just hand it out. Got it. And the turdy, then you're obsessed with the turdy, which is frankly,

that's an award you really shouldn't ever think about. But you can't let go of it. I've eliminated your turdy for the Harvey Wallbanger joke. Thank you. Which, by the way, I set up. Almost a golden Mike Worthy alley-oop there. I'm not saying anything. Because I know you're wanting to catch me in some sort of mistake.

And you get the turdy for obsessing over the turdy. So that is three turdies. One was eliminated for an amazing joke. Two turdies then. Two turdies on the day, on the ep. Yes. And I have two golden mics, one which will forever have an asterisk,

and that's on you. So honestly, that asterisk should be on Amir's turdy. That's all I would say. What? You're moving the asterisk over. I don't think I need to have an asterisk on a golden mic. I've had an unprecedented run. You said you were having an asterisk on one of the golden mics that it killed you, but it needed to be there. And then you gave yourself another golden mic.

I also just realized you messed up my golden mic count because you said it was 380. Because we had done 381 episodes and Ben had won one. But I won two the episode before. You said 380. So it actually is 381. And now the count is up to 383, even though we've only done 382 episodes. One with an asterisk. Your turdy has the asterisk.

And now we're getting so bogged down with these details that I feel like it's just taking over. We're not going to give you any more. Let's move on. No more. No more turdies. No more turdies. No more golden mics. Let's move on No more turdies No more golden mics No more whatever no more turdies No more talk about it That's what we're getting rid of

But let's try to have a positive attitude You gonna get another smile? Can I see a smile? Nice Teeth? Good Alright Alright Um Nice. Do you? Good. Alright. Alright.

We were talking about uncles earlier. This guy has a question about his uncle. Why don't we call him John, named after your uncle. Yes. Hello, Jake and Amir. Jake, congrats on yet another Golden Mike Award. Nice. Wow. It's been a joy to watch your streak on yet another Golden Mike Award. Nice. Wow.

It's been a joy to watch your streak grow. Thank you so much. I'm humbled. I'm humbled about this shit. All right. Go on. Anyway, I had an odd problem. Over the past couple years, my uncle has been more and more active on social media.

He sends me messages occasionally to see how I'm doing, and I don't mind it at all. We live far away from each other and he's a nice guy. We talk a bit and catch up. The problem is over the past few weeks, he's been sending me DMs of pictures of motorcycles on Instagram. I don't have an interest in a motorcycle. I've never ridden one and I don't know how much these things cost. The first time he sent me a picture like that, I thought it was an accident, so I didn't say anything, but he keeps sending them to me. It's not like't have to ghost your uncle. my DMs with even more pictures of motorcycles. Thanks in advance. Keep up the great work. Big fan of Buckets and NatPod as well. Alright. Well, you don't have to ghost your uncle, right? Don't ghost your uncle.

A rule of thumb and a rule of mum. Mum's brother, that is. Damn, that's almost turdy-worthy. If both turdies hadn't been given out, that was a total cheeseball joke, man. Why don't you get a fucking turdy? You got two Golden Mikes and a turdy.

You have never gotten a turdy. Well, there's already two turdies for this episode, one of which has an asterisk because it came at the expense of forfeiting a Golden Mike. All right. Anyway, a good rule of mum. Nice. I just don't think you should ignore the messages. Wow, that school, your instinct there is perfect. You don't have to do much, but just make him feel like he's not sending the motorcycles into the void.

Yeah, but maybe he can reply to every other one so it doesn't incur. Yeah, totally. I don't think you have to reply to every single one but you also i feel like you're in a weird position now where if you see your uncle in person you almost like you'll have it hanging over your head like do i talk shows up with a motorcycle you kind of have to acknowledge that that this has been happening yeah acknowledge the motorcycle but it's not it can't be that annoying if it's being sent to your DMs. Right.

He's not calling you. He's not taking your time. Right. He's DMing. Yeah. DMing, you just write back, thumbs up emoji. Vroom, vroom. Way to go, uncle.

Nice. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's an easy one. That's a quick one. That's a quick one. All right. Thank you guys for writing in.

Thank you for sending your theme song submissions. Opening one was Don Keanian, of course. Don Keanian. This closing one is written by Jake. Ooh. Not you. A different Jake. Let me look up his last name.

Jake Song. Jake Ayala. A trap beat. If you can shout out, please do it for Lucia Gan, the Canadian. So between Lucia Gan and Don Kianian, we got enough alliteration

and rhymes to last us for a while. But we do need more theme songs. We need more questions. Send them all to us. Always. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Thanks so much for listening. Again, tickets for our show in Chicago, headgum.com slash live. much for listening. Again, tickets for our show in Chicago, headgum.com slash live. Congrats to Jake for winning two awards. And I also won two awards today. I guess my awards were bad and his were... That's right. Gold.

I'm glad you know that. Gold of Mike's, two turdies. Nice. One with an asterisk. What's the point of putting an asterisk on a turdy? Oh, because it was extra turd-worthy. Just fine. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you. What's the point of putting an asterisk on a turdy? Oh, because it was extra turd-worthy. Just... Fine. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Thank you. You're a turd, by the way. Fuck you, man. It's the pinch and the mirror And they're both very clear That they will be right here For whatever is near So if I were you

I'd call two Jews I'd ask them for help Whatever you do If I'd call two Jews. I'd ask them for help. Whatever you do. If I were you. Two Jews. Todah. To you. That was a HateGum Podcast.