Segments - 383: Ticklish Vagina

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

In this episode we discuss laughing during sex, new tools, and a Twitter draft so good, it's worth a Golden Mic award.Still some tickets left to see us in Chicago! Click here to join the party.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Welcome to the show with Jake and Amir. If you need some help, just send them all of your fears

like should you confront your shitty roommate is your girlfriend cheating on you yeah they'd tell you what they'd do if they were you yeah now we've reached the time to start your favorite podcast.

They'll give you great advice, but not before you're put on blast. Now once you're finished, if you've had yourself some fun, then make sure to subscribe to their Patreon. Yeah Holy shit That's right You gotta make sure you subscribe to our Patreon I like a song that's an ad for our paid service Yeah

Well, did you like this song in addition to the message at the end Where they asked people to give us cash? That was nice But the nicest part The most catchy Or should I say the most cashy no i don't was for was the request and the call out for people to open their their hearts and their wallets just their wallets right i don't care about their hearts actually that's fair that's quite fair uh this might be a first it was a cover of an original that he also wrote wow that's that's really cool the first is based off of welcome to the show i'm like oh i wonder if jake knows that song and he goes two originals that are in my new album better which will be

released on spotify wow it's an alt pop punk album with elements of satire and comedy that our listeners will get a kick out of definitely up my alley that's for sure uh his spotify page is gus rachel's which is his actual name the album is now out gus rachel's gus rachel's sounds like a character we would name in like a screenplay that we're writing yeah because we sort of already did name somebody eli rachel yes we did yeah that's why i think that yeah i didn't know if you wanted to like let people fully in like a peek behind the screen peek behind the curtain you want to show you want to show them how the sausage is no not really just the character's name of Eli Rachel. I'll divulge the plot of the show. We break into Act 3 when our hero realizes that there's something amiss on the rocket.

And I'm actually having trouble with the all is lost moment, so please at me for why Eli... I might crack the bee story right now. I'd hate for it to come across as a cliche love narrative. Indulge me on the villain's arc. Do you think as an old person you'll still love pop punk, the equivalent of like old people today listening to music from the 40s? Yes, I do. And I can

tell you the reason is that I believe that. I just went on a run through new york city listening to angels and airwaves which is it's tom delong's other band besides blink-182 besides boxcar racer and is it just like about alien conspiracy theories that he has set to like pop punk music um it's it's a little more like dystopian positivity uh melodrama there's i mean there's always a little like government conspiracy in there it's a long after all but it's a little bit it's like kind of pop punky but it's also a little bit more like grand and sweeping and epic uh it's it's hard to

describe but it's so it's so funny and i i like, yeah, I get a kick out of this. But then I was running around to it being like, no, I guess I actually just genuinely love Tom DeLonge. That's me. I question everything. Question everything. Everything's going to be wrong. Yeah, that's more like Blink. Angels and Airwaves is like uh i know i am we are one love some weird shit like

that so you 90 years old uh listening to blink 182 your grandkids are like, God, Grandpa's so embarrassing. His music is so old-fashioned and quiet and slow. Yeah. They're listening to what? Like some kind of like brain implant? Some sort of like techno trap music? Drake is still around? Yeah. Well, they'll be listening to what our grandparents call the music we listen to, which is just an alien screaming at the top of his lungs. That's actually kind of what Angels and Airwaves is. All right.

Hello, here I am. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know. Here you are. Congratulations. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's great. It's great. It's good shit.

That's going gonna be my unsolicited advice so everybody should uh wait up for that uh is that a new band or an old band that like he did in the late 90s um it's it's after it's post blink 182 it's what he did like after after blink i don't know if it's like still if they're still making music you should have called it blink 183 right yeah i wonder He probably really wanted some separation from that, you know? Yeah, that's why you add one. Well, that's not a lot of separation, I don't think. I think that's like one digit.

All right, Wink-181. That's a little bit better, but that's just like a really bad pun, you know? Yeah, how about Keep Your Eyes Open 12? How about you don't need to pitch a new name to Tom DeLonge for his band Angels and Air? They have like nine albums. It's too late. Okay?

Wow. I've never heard you this upset. I'm sorry, but you're just being a fucking douche about it. And Tom's the man. He's actually the goat. So you're not sorry. You said I'm sorry, and then you said I'm being a douche and Tom's the man he's actually the goat so you're not sorry you said i'm sorry and then you said i'm being a douche and tom's the goat are you sorry i apologized and i'm being an asshole

and you're being an asshole you're being a bigger asshole you're being a douche i'm getting angry because you're being an asshole and this is so i apologize for being so angry are you sorry but you're being an asshole before i accept your apology i have to know if you're actually sorry i'm not sorry to you i'm sorry i'm sorry that this is happening i'm sorry that this is where we're at so you aren't sorry for how what you called me no you deserve that and we're double down i'll double down i'll dig my heels in and i apologize okay about these unfortunate circumstances which which have me trapped in a podcast and in a relationship with you a vile hater spewing vitriol about the coolest musicians of our generation tom Tom motherfucking DeLong. End rant.

Do you know what 182 stands for in Blink-182? They believe it's just a random number that they added to the end because there was a Scottish techno band called Blink and they sent them a cease and desist. And yes, people say that it's like a police code for streaking or for like murder or for some kind of weird thing, but it is not. It is just a random thing that they added to not get sued by Scottish techno band Blink is what I believe. I wonder if any of these police code things, the 187, the 420s are actually police codes.

It seems like from what I've, the very little I've learned about police departments, there's not really like cohesion across the board. Like it feels like if maybe there's codes for specific ones, like in different towns and cities and counties and stuff but are there really like federal codes for everybody that i don't know everything yeah nice uh okay uh this is if i were you the only advice podcast just an advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake um well here we are um we have found

no no no um we have some questions and answers is your brother still looking for questions and answers for us yes he's back from bali and he's on job. He is on the job. He's hunting down cues so we can give them a shout out to young Micah, the young wolf, the future of house Hurwitz. Let's see here. Oh, here's one. This is a good one.

Funny cunnilingus business from a man we'll call. What do you got? Travis Farker. Give me another name. Sure. Harp Moppus. No, let's do something else. Different theme.

Okay. Well, I'm really struggling because I don't know the guy from Sum 41's name off the top of my head. Mr. Avril lavigne writes i'm a 24 year old guy from texas and i got a quickie for y'all i was going down on my girlfriend the other night when while down there she started cracking up what was funny? Is this that she is just ticklish or am I just laughably bad? Also, have you ever had a partner start laughing during sex? What did you do?

I feel like that has happened to me. And? Maybe somebody I was with was like laughing afterwards it really does it'll get in your goddamn head but it turned out it turned out she was just laughing at what a tiny little insignificant cock i had so i was like oh i was all like you know freaking out i was like um oh my god is she laughing at me and then it just turned out that, yeah, she was. And then that she was just laughing because my dick was smaller in comparison to other men that she had been with. And not only just that, but it was honestly microscopic on a level where she had to laugh despite herself. Because my cock was like a tiny little chode to her and to others, I imagine.

Let me, I've never done this before, but I think we should take that. For you, I think we should take that again. Oh, okay. Did you not get that clean? I got it. It got it incredibly clean and clear. I'll ask you again, and you say that you don't think anyone's ever laughed at you during sex but i'm sure i'm sure it's had before yeah all right yeah it probably

that answer was taking too much time and there's only a little small amount of time that we have and i don't need to drone on and on you're. About my slender little cock. The more you talk about it, I can feel like your nose running. I think I have seasonal allergies. From that answer. All right. Has a girl ever laughed at you during sex? Once because my penis is micro. That way I did it one and done nice and quick.

You can use that. You can splice together whatever answers you need. Well, the first one was that. The edit will, okay. Let's try. Just give me one more option. I don't know if a lady's ever laughed at me, but I'm sure it's fine.

All right. Has a lady ever laughed at you in bed? I have a teeny little weenus. Got it. Okay. Okay? You tell me if I the lady ever laughed at you in bed? I have a teeny little weenus. Got it. Okay. Okay? You tell me if I've ever been laughed at. Never mind. You're getting madder. I've been guffawed upon. Of course.

Of course. Of course. I can't remember now if it really happened or if i like was afraid of it happening or something um but i i think i would imagine that there's probably like she's either ticklish or something else funny happened because it i don't yeah i just don't i just don't think that you are so laughably bad at going down on somebody that she would laugh like that's not even funny you know if you're really really bad it's not yeah it is interesting that uh you never hear about ladies being ticklish down there but it's like a very sensitive area but like armpits are very ticklish right i mean maybe she could have a ticklish vagina i i've definitely laughed when people were not like going down no

yeah i have laughed when people were going down on me because I have really ticklish, I got a ticklish little pelvis like just below my belly button. I'm very ticklish. And if anybody puts their hands there, I don't care how intimate the moment is. I am laughing. I'm cracking up. Like a clown.

I wonder what the evolutionary purpose of being ticklish is. It seems like a mistake in humans, the fact that like there could be a serious moment, but if you touch my ribs, I'll giggle. Yeah, that actually has to be an error. God didn't get it all right.

You mean, what do you mean, God? Well, we were all intelligently designed by our creator. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. He doesn't have a perfect batting average because he made us ticklish and he made my cock super small. You think God made you specifically, not just humans in general. I think I was carved from clay. And then he must have ran out so what he did was just sort of shove shove

my pubes up into a point and called it a day yeah man you could have taken a little a little off the top and added it to my peen region i'd rather be five foot six hung like a fucking donkey then six even and have a battery tip down there is all battery tip the fucking negative side too uh so what what's funny he's asking and is she ticklish or am i just laughably bad i mean you won't know until there's more data one you can ask her two you can do it again and see what happens jesus christ like the worst thing in the world is to like i think show somebody your hand of like how much something ate away at you all you can do is just be like well prepared for next time if there is a next time well this is his right? So I imagine there'll be a next time. Like,

when you go down on her again, and she laughs, you can ask, but you can't go up to her like a week later and be like, so I was wondering, not that it's a big deal. Why were you laughing when I was performing oral? Because as soon it's just so clearly is a big deal. How many times would a lady have to laugh while you're down there for you to finally say, out of curiosity, what's the deal here? Is it two? Is it three? Is it 12? Part of me thinks I would ignore it the first time, much like this guy did. But just like this guy would probably weigh on me.

And if it happened again, would be like quick to ask yeah because you can't you you don't want to make like the situation weird by rehashing it by bringing it up out of nowhere and like she might not even remember and then like i just feel like there's a chance that you don't even get the closure that you want because you're like why were you laughing she's like oh i don't know maybe something was funny yeah maybe something was funny like was it me right and then you're just like okay well all right let's watch netflix and then 20 minutes in you pause like no but what was funny i'm just wondering what was so funny do you think i'm funny like haha funny because you were cracking up during third base

is there a more embarrassing moment than that, to crack up during sex? Oh, man. I guess that's really, that is definitely super intimate. I think that there's maybe, like, another time that you say i love you or something or uh confide um like a really weird fetish or secret in that you're worried about being judged for that's probably a worse time because at least this is like i don't know it's always worse when you like have doubts about your performance or about something and then they're confirmed by somebody laughing maybe this guy wasn't like doubting himself but like the

laughing made him so it's it's a little more you're on a little more even playing field you can kind of be like what's the deal why are you laughing you know yeah remember during friends when ross first kissed rachel and she was laughing yeah they would why was she laughing do they say she's like because like this is she's like this is so funny like you're ross and like i'm not used to this and then they eventually started like making out at the end of the episode and ross goes you're not laughing and rachel goes it's not funny and then that progresses them to sleeping with each other in a museum oh that's awesome that's really cool so the porno version is that like ross is going down on rachel which i've i've scripted and if you'll read this manuscript mr swimmer god it's 212 pages

you know that has to be cut for television right well the majority of them are blanks that are sort of glued together with my seed so you're not gonna be able to read them all why are you trying to add them to me then i can't believe we're role playing where i'm david schwimmer the episode is called schwimmer's ear and you end up going down on rachel so much that you get like uh infection you You have read my drafted tweets. Schwimmer's ear? Schwimmer's ear is one of my, you know I haven't tweeted a joke in a couple years, right? Yeah, you're sort of waiting for the perfect opportunity.

Yeah, so I have a few. So every time I think of a joke that old me would tweet, I write it and save it as a draft. And Schwimmer's ear is one of is one of my same is it do you think ross from friends ever gets schwimmer's ear yeah that's exactly what it is i must have had that somewhere in the back of my brain i don't think we both came up with schwimmer's ear but let's see if anybody's tweeted schwimmer's ear before yeah i feel like that it must they must have that's one of that's one of the reasons why it wasn't enough to break the Twitter seal. Oh, you know what? Alex Watt in

2011, our friend Alex Watt said, if you think it sucks having Schwimmer's ear, just think of how awful it must be to have Schwimmer's nose. So that's pretty close. Pretty close. It's definitely close. And dare I say more clever. No, no way no no way well actually you could say

i i guess it might be more clever but i feel like it takes a longer walk mine appeals to the masses yeah i will say it doesn't have any likes because he tweeted it like 10 years ago maybe before he was even working at collegeHumor. I also remember that I thought that I came up with the pun huge jacked man for Hugh Jackman, but I searched it on the internet and other people had done it, so this isn't the first time.

It's hard to find a thing that, you know, other people haven't tweeted before. Yeah. That's why all my tweets are maximum 280 characters, stretched to the limit filled with words nobody's heard of before spelled in ways that are impossible to decipher right that way whenever you search them i'm they have to be the only one it's hard to search them though because there's no real words in there yeah it's the rantings of a lunatic. That's right. Not unlike the manifesto I wrote for Ross.

Covered in spum. All right. So you say ask her only if it gets to be like she does it over and over. If it's a one-off, you never have to get to the bottom of it. Yeah, I think as it stands now, let it go. But be finger on the trigger, ready to ask again next time you go down and she laughs. All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back with more questions and answers after these messages.

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Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum dot FM slash segments. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we are are both coming out as liberal little cucks who want to fight the abortion ban in Alabama. So if you want to also do that, I gave to yellowhammerfund.org. That is a fund in Alabama that is helping people get abortions. That's right, yellowhammerfund.org. Their first goal is to make sure that people who are having later abortions are able to afford their abortion

care. We've seen it all around Twitter. You know what's going on. Alabama has taken great lengths to make sure that women don't have the right to choose, which is bad. It's really bad. What if people told us to chop off our dicks? Well, for you, it would be really, really hard to even find the damn thing. Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

It's like cutting a hair that's smaller than a scissors. How do you even get down there? Dude. What? It's really not cool to say that I have a tiny penis. Yeah. I mean, you were talking earlier

about your microbeen, so I figured all bets were on. I was talking about it. I was talking about it. I was talking about it. Sorry. It's kind of like how I can make fun of your micropenis, but you can't. Well, the opposite, because I can, and you can't. Right, right, right. The URL, again, is yellowhammerfund.org.

So donate what you can. Fight the power. Damn the man. In this case, the men, because it was about uh 24 angry white male senators in alabama that pushed the bill through to a female governor who signed it the hell is that damn that's all it's all her fault so if you're still kind of sexist you can blame the female governor while you donate to yellowhammerfund.org. That helps, guys.

Should we answer some more questions? I just want to, here's my unsolicited advice. If you are anti, or if you're pro this, like, bill in Alabama, you should put that in your Tinder hinge bio, you know? Oh. Like, that should be part of your bumble. You should out yourself. Yeah.

I think you really should. Like, you should be public-facing with that shit, and you should suffer the consequences. Yeah, or maybe find someone that agrees with you and the governor. Oh, that's interesting. You're saying, like, go on a date with the septuagenarian governor of Alabama?

I don't know if she's available or whatever because she might be a terrible person she could be a widow she might be single we don't really know about that about her i can see that i can really see that actually cool well yeah that's my unsolicited advice uh speaking of southern ladies here's a question from a southern lady uh we'll call her bell as in a southern bell let's do it the reason i'm writing is that i find myself in a bit of a predicament for demographic info i'm a 27 year old woman woman medium attractive christian i know you guys are jews so you don't get it but i love jesus i'm not a crazy person i voted for Hillary. But I've never had a boyfriend.

If you have any solutions to that problem, hit me with them. But the main thing I'm wondering about is that whenever I meet a guy, like literally every time, even if the situation isn't romantic, I assess our compatibility and very quickly find myself imagining what life is together. Even if I'm not that into him, I have to play out the scenario. If I do like the guy, I act like a normal human being, albeit one who's bad at flirting. But in my mind, I keep picturing us living happily ever after. I know that this is completely illogical, but does it make me a total psychopath? Is this, dare I ask, normal behavior? I need to know if

this is cute daydreaming or if I've crossed over full delusional psycho territory. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. She's saying she pictures marrying people she goes on a date with, and she's wondering if that's normal? Yeah, not even date with. Even in situations that aren't romantic at all, she meets a guy and then she imagines what life would be like together. Yeah, I mean, that's truly all I used to do when I was single. And did it affect your dating behaviors or did you sort of suppress those thoughts forever and ever, amen? It probably affected my dating a little bit.

I feel like it doesn't really make you a great date partner if you're like vacillating between committing to someone forever or ghosting them. So it probably makes it a little hard to pin down. Yeah. Is this something that you can wish you didn't do? Like, would you say it's not helpful? Can you actually convince your brain not to think thoughts before you think them? Is that how it works? I think, I mean, well, personally, I think no. But I think what you can do is like, recognize what your brain does. So like, if I saw someone on the street, and I was like, oh, that person could be my wife, I was able to like, communicate with myself and be like, there you go, Jake, you're being crazy again, and then keep on walking.

It's not like I ran across the street, narrowly avoided being hit by a bus and got down on my knee, or even tried to talk to any of these people. I think that all you can do is recognize your quirks and weirdness and kind of keep it in check. Yeah, it's hard to convince your brain

not to have thoughts. The only thing you can do is not act on those thoughts until those thoughts stop being thoughts to begin with. Yeah, it's the taking actions based on your thoughts that makes you a crazy person. Everybody has crazy thoughts that you can't control. Yeah, so it's not crazy. You're not a delusional psycho.

Is it cute daydreaming? Yes. Wow. I'll say it's cute daydreaming. Yeah. I don't know. I think I'll psycho is it cute daydreaming yes wow i'll say it's cute daydreaming yeah i don't know i think i'll stop short of cute daydreaming it's a little weird yeah but i mean it's it's it's a little weird it's weird to the point where you wouldn't want to tell someone that you were fantasizing about it yeah but not weird to the point where i'm like you should stop doing that yeah yeah um okay so it's fine uh as long as you don't tip your hand. But maybe it is making you act a little weird around people.

But again, I don't know how to get you to stop thinking things. Sometimes your brain is more powerful than your brain. How do you convince a thinking brain not to think? Yeah, there's really no escape. I guess you could just distract it. It's kind of like saying don't think of a purple elephant. And of course you have to think of a purple elephant. Not me. I'm not thinking of one at all. All right. So don't think of one. Don't think. Do not think. Do not think of a really small green giraffe. Okay. Just don't think of one. Okay. I didn't.

All right. All right. Don't think of me with frosted tips do not do that wow i actually i was able to not do that too this is crazy i think i may be the smartest guy in the world i feel like everybody that's listening to the show right now probably did think of all that stuff yeah i think you did too i think you're the biggest liar in the world i don't think i'm a liar i think i'm the freaking man. I didn't think of, I didn't even remember what you said. I couldn't think of it. How cool is that? I think you're such a big liar. You lie to yourself. Let's answer. Let's try to answer the next question. I feel like you're getting short. I think you look at yourself and you're too even afraid to

tell yourself the truth. I think you're lying to yourself. I think you stare at yourself and you don't even recognize the person that's looking back. And you don't even want to do any deep introspection because you're afraid of what's in there. You're willfully ignorant and stupid about yourself because you're a liar. You're a criminal to you.

Let's just try to finish up the podcast before anybody says something. Before you say something you regret. I don're a nobody before you say something you regret i don't regret before you say something you can't take back i'm encouraged i'm empowered to actually say this to you to confront you about it because you're you're a zero you're an absolute zero man you're an invisible man you're not even a man you're a vessel it's a beautiful the eyes are the window to the soul you have no soul you have no eyes you a vessel it's a beautiful the eyes are the window to the soul you have no soul

you have no eyes you're disgusting it's a beautiful acceptance speech for your latest turdy blood so i appreciate that and yeah congratulations again yeah yeah we're winning the tourney this episode swimmers the swimmer script the one with the cum That kept the pages glued You're cracking up The Schwimmer's ear got me the golden mic this episode I brought it up You alley-ooped it but I slam-dunked it And I brought it home

And I brought it down I said Schwimmer's ear And you said I think I have a tweet like that In my draft And you're getting the trophy for that. I get the golden mic for Schwimmer's ear. That was 100% my IP. How is it your IP?

You never posted it. And then I found a tweet that predates that. It was about Schwimmer's nose, that tweet. That tweet. Schwimmer's ear. Existed. Schwimmer's ear. Existed. Swimmer's ear is mine. It existed before you.

I brought it up after you. You're a draft. You're sandwiched in the middle was an incomplete attempt at the joke, which you think nets you the award. Your anger. And I get it at what? You get a turdy and it has nothing to do with Schwimmer's ear. Your turdy has to do with you brimming with hatred for your

co-host and coming at me during the second half of the podcast when I really think we were having one of our better shows. I had a great time this episode and you're souring it with your dour mood. Alright, if that didn't happen before any of that,

did you have in mind who you thought would be winning the Golden Mike and who would be getting the turdy? Yeah, I did. And? I thought you were on the line to get the turdy from the get-go, from the jump. Of course. I know that.

You were favored for the turdy. Yes. Yes. But over the course of the episode. in the first half of the show i knew i had secured the golden mic with schwimmer's ear secured it i had secured it and i secured it you know that you can you can win the golden mic and the turdy in the same episode right i did not know that because it's never happened. So how would I know that? Well, I'm just saying, even if I win the Golden Mike, I'm on the hook. I could still win the turdy.

So it's a little nerve wracking. And I thought that you were probably going to come away with the turdy because you had kind of an epic streak in that regard. Yeah. But I wasn't going to, you know, like no preconceived notions. I was just going to do the pod and let the turdy fall where it may.

And then you sort of turned the second half of the show into, I guess, like your own personal soapbox for some kind of vendetta that you have against me. And I don't think that's, you don't think, you don't think me getting the turdy award, the word for shittiness and podcasting for, by the way,

six years now, this is our sixth year anniversary show today. And you couldn't have given me a single golden mic to honor it. Don't get me wrong. I think it sucks that you've won the turdy every single episode. I think that must weigh heavy on your conscience. It does. I don't like that.

I'm bummed. There have been episodes where I tried to take the turdy off your hands so I can put it on my mantle in solidarity with you. But somehow, no matter how low I set the bar, you can limbo underneath it. It's silly. Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? Well, it's silly, really.

No, it's not. I actually think it's funny. I know you think it's funny. You laughed. You laughed at me. Right. So yeah, I know that you think it's funny.

And I know you think... I get a kick out of it is all. So you don't think it's sad. You say it pisses you off. It's sad that I'm number one think it's funny. I think. And I know you think. I get a kick out of it is all. So you don't think it's sad. You say it pisses you off. It's sad that I'm number one. It's not. It makes you happy. You're gloating.

I'm not gloating. I think it's funny that. I think it's funny that we've come to this. And I think it's unfortunate at the same time. I think it's. Sometimes. I think it's one of those things. Yeah.

It's a bit of gallows humor. It's gallows humor is all it is. It's just like, wow, look at the shit we're in. I can't host a podcast with a guy without him coming away with the shittiest podcast award. Here's where we are. It's just a dark sensibility that I think people like about me. And that's why I win the Golden Mike all the time too. Yeah.

We have one last question to answer if you want to get to it. Sure, whatever. Hey, bros, rights. Theodore, I guess. Sure. I'm stuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying I could still win a golden mic for this episode

in addition to the tourney? No, no, I already won the golden mic for Schwimmer's ear. Yeah. You said you can win a turdy in addition to a golden mic just like a couple minutes ago. You won the turdy. Yeah. There's only one for each episode. Of course, I've won two golden mics a couple times.

You know, what rules are meant to be broken, obviously, but I don't think this episode... Is there a world where I... Yeah. Is there a world where I answer this one so funny and I get a golden mic in addition to yours there a world right yeah is there a world where i answer this one so funny and i got a golden mic in addition to yours and attorney there's a world i mean those rules wise that's on the table as far as me believing that you can thrive under pressure and deliver it and like take it home uh there's no there's no chance of that happening it is a snowball's chance in hell as it were all right but let's give it a shot all right but uh my parents bought me a a set of tools

for work for my birthday a while back uh and i thought i really liked him right theodore okay but you've never said a hon okay mid question before so it's a little bit throwing me off right after using yeah yeah but after using them daily for a couple of months i realized they were i realized they were the wrong choice. Wrong choice, yeah. I'm just trying active listening. For the first time ever, yeah. By the way, happy six years.

I went to get a different set. Thanks, man. But I don't want my parents to get annoyed at me since they cost a decent amount of money. I'm also the new guy at work, so if I get new tools again, they might make fun of me. What should I do?

Should I say fuck everyone and buy new tools or keep the ones I have until they need replacing so my parents don't get upset with me? Best regards, Theodore. Okay. Where does this guy work that he needs tools? Is he a construction worker? A tattoo artist?

That's pretty cool. Yeah. A chef? Either way, it's awesome. Either way, you work with your hands, and that's cool. And I guess needing new tools is embarrassing to him for some reason? I think just maybe it sounds like there's sort of like a blue-collar work mentality where like, hey, a hammer is a hammer.

And this guy's like come to work now with his first set of tools then new tools and now he wants to get new tools so like in the in a few weeks he just got three different sets of new tools yeah but as a guy who bought three different uh custom miniature figurines of my dungeons and dragons character there's really no shame. In a new tool. Yeah. I think you could tell your parents that you gave your tools at work to somebody else who needed new tools, and then you buy new tools. You could also actually do that, so it's not even a lie.

If you find somebody and you say, hey, I don't really like these. It's not my style. You want new tools? And then they'll say, yeah. And then you get new tools for yourself. So that gets you off the hook with your parents who are not offended that you switched the tools on them. And then all you have to do is deal with being known as the new tool guy.

And in that regard, you can say, I got into a bar fight. Some guy stole my fucking tools why'd you have your why'd you have your tools at a bar because i honestly can't leave my home without a wrench and you got into a fight and lost and someone's yeah i got a screwdriver with my screwdriver, and some guy hammered me with my hammer. Nice. I actually got hammered with my hammer. I had a screwdriver with my screwdriver, and to throw a wrench into the whole sticky situation. Can you stick the landing?

I lost my tools, quite frankly. You would say, and I'm just trying to level with you. Very good. Okay? Trying to drill the point home. Nice. This is why I have the golden mic. I came up with a premise.

I came up with a hammer. I did the screwdriver and the wrench. You said, let me level with you, which isn't necessarily part of every toolbox and then you exclaimed yourself the winner of the golden mic well i won the golden mic for swimmers here i'm just saying that you don't know how to stick the landing and i consistently follow through you had the entire bit to think of one and what was the last one drilled what was it you got drilled at the end or something drilling the point home yeah drilling the point home yeah which is not really a bar or a fight

i think you just sort of thought of another one i think i nailed it nice thank you all right i'll give you that one really yeah again not part of a tool kit but for sure definitely yeah that was for sure that was fine for sure yeah i did think it was schumer's here um so yeah i i think that like in a way being like these tools don't work for me makes you seem almost like more of a professional don't you think like i'm so good with tools that, like, I can tell the difference between, like, good tools and bad ones, ones that work for my work style and ones that don't. Like, if I went golfing, it wouldn't be – I wouldn't know the difference between really nice clubs or shitty clubs, but, like, a good golf or wood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think – yeah, I think that makes you even more of – it gives you more authority to have an opinion like that.

No shame. No shame. All right. Thanks for listening. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for the theme songs. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions,

send it all to ifeveryoshowatgmail.com. The opening one was written by Gus Rachels. This closing one was written by Teddy Weeks. Yep, yep. So thanks to Gus and Teddy Weeks. Tickets still available. Our show in Chicago is now less than a month away.

There's about 100 tickets left. So if you go to headgum.com slash live, you can see the sick new poster we made. Yup. And then you can buy tickets to a Fire U.

NatPod, I believe, sold out. So come hang out with us in Chicago. See you guys there. And we'll be back next week. Ciao, everybody. Peace. If I were you If I were you

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