Segments - 384: The Roommate Switch

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

In this episode we discuss ending relationships and ending Game of Thrones... and smiling at yourself.Come hang out with us in Chicago on June 14-16 at HeadGum Live!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. um yeah i could roll face and rage face, suck face, and fuck face to that song. Let's get started. Welcome to another episode of If I Were Juice. I'm your host, Jake Juicewitz, with my co-host, Amir Blumenshiet. No, no, no. What do you mean you could fuck face to that song? What is that? I just mean if I was like rolling on MDMA, Molly, laced with a little speed and everything felt good. Yeah. And I was sucking face and fucking face with somebody.

Right. Sort of like, I guess fucking face would be like a 69 position where two individuals are fucking each other's faces. Got it. And then what does that have to do with the song? Well, just it would be a nice background to me sucking face and fucking face. Okay. So the song being on in the background, it feels like it's not doing much. It's mostly the drugs that you're on.

No, I mean, the song does a lot. I really think this song, I wouldn't say the song doesn't do a lot. I think the song really does a lot. Okay. What about the song, but no drugs? Are you still fucking face? No, I'm limp, flaccid, scared, and lonely. Got it.

In a corner. Yeah. Waiting for the drugs to hit. Wondering who the hell sold me this fake Molly alright what about real Molly but no song what's going on there

real Molly no song I am rolling face raging face sucking face and fucking face yes that's what my point is my point is it seems like this song but it's not as nice it's consequential the it's consequential yeah it seems like the drugs are doing 99 of the work and you're saying that i mean what is like do you enjoy do you enjoy a cheeseburger with with a side

salad yes you do but i think you enjoy it more with some really well-seasoned Cajun fries. I would say Cajun fries are kind of maybe the goat French fries. Thoughts? Tweet it. You think so? Yeah, that's a hot take. All right. Okay, I guess I'll tweet it.

I haven't tweeted in four years, but I think maybe now is the time. You were just banned. You were just banned for for drafting the cajun fries thing hello yeah yeah i'm still here it didn't hang up on you i just see your twitter your your account's been locked oh it's yes it's locked yeah i guess you're retweeting a bunch of hate hate crime shit right, right. So whenever the molly's not coursing through my vein, I'm sort of like a troll influencer. Yeah, right, right, right, you should say. Right. We didn't even say who that song was by.

Oh, damn. It's by Adam Dallin, which is a rework of an original song called Letters, which is on his album Cowboy Music, which is on Spotify, Apple Music, and even Deezer. Do you think Deezer is a joke or it's an actual website with albums on it? Gotta be both.

The album is called Cowboy Music and it's on Spotify and Apple Music at the very least. And if Deezer exists, then it's there too. Dope. This is the second time somebody made a cover of their own M yeah they're starting to get a little too original for my liking like our fans are talented and that's nice right but don't like go making covers of original shit like i hate to be overshadowed i still want to hear the songs that me personally likes without having to hear new music, discover new things, basically.

It's good to have a song about us for free to introduce our show. For sure. That's nice to have. For sure. But I'd hate for it to come at the expense of me looking like less of a musician. Because I can't do it that way. Right. I can't do it to that extent.

There's a world where someday somebody's fame and talent overshadows us. Yes, overshadows. That would be the worst case scenario. That's exactly right. I wasn't able to figure out how to say it. But yeah, I don't want to be not as talented as X, Y, or Z. Right. To be diminished in stature and to be held in a lesser regard

in comparison vis-a-vis a more talented musician would be a negative thing. Yeah, it would make us be bad to have it. I think this is, yeah, that's the easiest, that's the clearest way to explain it, right? And I don't think that's like making us look small or petty. I think it's, Basically, it's just,

Yeah, let me take another stab at it. Okay, go for it. The way we talk is, so we talk the best. And to have another thing like, for example, to have it be music or to have song of it is not like as good as we can talk. So to have it be better than me is not good to me or you, if that makes sense. Yeah, no, that does. So that tracks for me.

Maybe I can just put it in layman's terms for anybody who didn't. Yeah, and then we can put it to bed. And then, yeah, then we can really, we really have to go. But yeah, take a step. But essentially, on the pod is where we'll, me and you are partners and we'll have a chat.

Yes. And the chatting is nice to be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take it from here. It's nice to be good. Yes, that's true. But also, what am I trying to say here? In additionally...

So let me take it from there so in additionally in additionally when a music is sent and played on this yes in between a chat can i take it from here when a music is sent and sent to a chat when a music is sent and sent to a chat okay i Okay. I cook cook corn. I can. I can. Can you help me? Yeah, I can take it from you.

So the music is sent. The corn ginga ga da da Yes. Okay.

I think we got there. Essentially. I think we had it before. Yeah. That one grinded to a complete halt. All right. Yeah. That one stonewalled us to the point where no more words were even being said. At a certain point, you were grunting noise.

Right. Yes. Obviously. I think the overall sentiment is clear. The gist. Yeah. Cool. All right.

Let's try to answer some questions. Let's try to get out of this funk. Yeah, that's a good idea. We got some good ones here. We got one about prom. Of course, prom's coming some good ones here. We got one about prom. Of course, prom's coming up for some schools. We got one about ditching my roommate. We got one about making an ex-boyfriend a best friend.

Why don't we start there? Because that one doesn't ring very true to me. It's kind of interesting. I kind of like... Have we thought about doing this ever? Oh, like a menu? Yeah, like a table of contents for the podcast. Pardon the interruption style, so people know it's coming up.

Right. No, we can try that. It's kind of fun. So we got a Game of Thrones question, a prom night question, an ex-boyfriend question, and a roommate question, which we'll start with. We need a lady's name. Oh, I'm going on a little vacay today with a friend named Ramey. Let's call this person Ramey. Oh, she would love that. She'll never hear this. A 23-year-old lady from Idaho, and I'm having some issues. This is actually a good way

to see if any of your friends or Jill's friends listen to the podcast. So don't tell anybody about this, and we'll see if it gets back to Ramey. Oh, that's a good idea. And then in three weeks, you can start accusing people. You listen to the show? Four weeks. You listen to the show? In four weeks, I'll get a divorce. Yeah, I don't think you listen to the show. You don't listen to the show. Because you never heard about the question with your fucking name on it. should have told you that maybe i haven't gotten

to it it was three weeks ago actually this is you shoving her husband she's like i listened to the first 10 minutes and it was unlistenable you're you're making grunting noises at one point you full-on forgot words that's fair. Did you like the music, though? I wrote that song for you. Rami writes, I'm a 23-year-old lady from Idaho, and I'm having some issues forming a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I know it's cliche to tell someone that you want to remain friends after a breakup, but I did just that. And what does this diva do? He removes me from all social media.

We dated on and off for three years and it was a messy relationship. However, I was trying to do the mature thing by making it an amical breakup because we have a lot of mutual friends and I may see him in social situations. I've been giving him space for about two months since he basically blocked me on all platform, but I'm still hoping there's a chance we can end things on a good note. Should I text him and try to remedy the situation or just let things be? It really irks me to think that he might hate me because we were basically BFFs at one point. So is there any possibility of that happening again? Or at least being friendly acquaintances? Any advice is appreciated. P.S. Amir, you can apply this to your past relationships with other chipmunks if it helps. Yeah, I don't really know about the mating habits of chipmunks, but I can answer from the human perspective, and then maybe you can take it on the woodland creature front.

I don't know much about chipmunks. We'll both do the human one. Okay. Well, why don't I take the lead since you're a chipmunk and I'm a person? But yeah, you can weigh in as much because i know you live among humans which is neat but i just mean like if you wanted to weigh in on any of the i want to yeah the chip monk angle i think that could be interesting for our listeners i won't be able to speak to that intelligently but continue with the human stuff and then i'll join okay well what right well why

don't you yeah you can close the loop on the human stuff and then i think it'd be cool to do a deep dive on chipmunk shit so all right let's think you're yeah you're a chipmunk that's what i think okay so i this is i just don't think it's important to be friends with exes but is it in poor taste i don't think it's in poor taste i think it's in poor taste. I think it's in poor taste to force it. It's in poor taste to force taste? Yeah. If you're like, I think the best you can be is open to a friendship with an ex. You can't be like, I think it's important that we stay friends because that sort of puts on a little, like, the other person has to be down with it too. Breakups are hard.

So like this guy blocking you, that says to me that he's not ready to be friends at all. Like maybe the breakup was harder on him. He doesn't want a friendship. It's too hard. I think the most truthful part of this email is when she says, it really irks me to think that he might hate me.

That's the whole point of it. That's the crux of it right there. If you think he's blocking you, then your word, he's mocking you. Oh. And he actually might be. I don't think he's mocking. Blocking isn't mocking. What is blocking? Blocking is flocking. Oh, interesting interesting it's not really flocking block it but it's not so blocking is not shocking and it is not mocking blocking is excuse me one second just pulling up rhyming dictionary.com yeah it's not knocking it's not cocking that's obviously not what it is i wouldn't say that it's cocking cock blocking oh you know it's it's locking blocking is locking that's good this guy's he's locking in his own like his own um self-worth and like he's he's doing what he needs just lock it in lock it up uh you're you're out because he's got's got to heal, and you being around isn't letting him do that, okay? Locking is locking, but it's not mocking. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't necessarily

mock you, but I'm saying he might just not like you that much, but that's okay, too. You don't have to worry about that. This person is no longer in a relationship with you. And it sounds like it was a messy relationship because you described it as such. So he might need more than two months to get over it. I also think blocking isn't necessarily like, I hate this person. Blocking is more like, I need to get over this person. And to do that, I need space. So I don't think that it's like, it does, like, you don't have to be irked that he hates you. If anything, you could feel kind of confident that you're so hard to get over. That's nice.

What about this rule of thumb? For every year you've been in a relationship, it takes one month to get over. So this is a three-year affair, and it'll take him three months to get over. Yeah, but I mean, I've had like breakups that weighed on me and I got over them and it's not like then I wanted to be friends with the person again. That's just not how everyone is wired. So you gotta respect people's wiring.

It just makes it a little more complicated because they're all in the same friend group and she doesn't wanna be like, hey, is this person gonna be there? Cause then he's gonna be weird. Oh yeah, in the same friend group and she doesn't want to be like hey is this person gonna be there because then he's gonna be oh yeah well the the friend group is ruined the dynamic is destroyed things will never be the same there but that's the risk you took when dating a friend in the group yeah and what is it like in the forest um it's living amongst the chipmunks as as it were. Oh. I was just curious because we said we'd tackle the human thing and then you would do the chipmunk.

I mean, personally, I don't know, but I'm on Wikipedia and it says, I guess, chipmunks aren't necessarily monogamous animals. A woman can have up to 10 partners at a time and there's no real one um one-on-one relationships in the forest not that i know but i'm i'm doing research as a human like you could you could have easily done this research right doesn't mean that it's coming from personal experience no totally well i mean for you growing up as a chipmunk in your little tree did you have lots of other chipmunk girlfriends and stuff did they have other chipmunk boy your little tree did you have lots of other chipmunk girlfriends and stuff did they

have other chipmunk boyfriends because i know you read that from wikipedia but now i'm just wondering from personal experiment experience as you grew up a chipmunk yeah i did have a chipmunk girlfriend but i wasn't like i wasn't a chipmunk like i don't know how else okay let's go on to the next question then yeah you were i had two fucking i had one friend and one girlfriend that was a chipmunk that doesn't mean that i'm a chipmunk no well and what were your parents my parents were one was you know a regular a regular guy a dad a normal guy and a dad you said a guy and a dad but like a was it a human person or was not a human person okay it was a chipmunk man and uh and a wife and was your chipmunk man dad guy's wife a chipmunk yeah yes

awesome man awesome christ all right i feel like i'm being put on trial here You're not being lambasted Alright, actually let's Talk about another Hallmark moment of every childhood Or I should say Teenagehood, the prom Oh, the promenade We'll call this man Who's another dude that you're going on vacation with

Chris Right, long time listener first time baller and i'm at i've got a bit of a hard one for your boys to wrap your head around okay i'm an 18 year old dude who for religious reasons has never masturbated or had sex what you could probably just say never masturbated we can assume the second part what is the yeah, is it a religion thing to say thou shalt not freaking cream your jeans? I can't even jerk my gherk. Yeah, I think it's like wasting seed. Anyway, he continues, everything has been going great, but as I prepare for my senior prom,

my boys have been razzing my ass about the upcoming event. Our prom is known for the grinding and sexy dancing that takes place, and my friends have told me that they think my lack of penile stimulation will cause me to bust a nut during the dance. Is this a realistic fear? What can I do to stop myself from soiling the front of my trousers while my dime-piece date goes down to town on a dance floor? I could really use some advice

before I seize my cheese in the middle of a school gymnasium. Yeah, that's okay. Well, I feel... Imagine five years of pent-up puberty being rubbed up against by your prom date. Well, I just feel like it almost doesn't even matter

if you masturbate and have sex and if you don't like when you're 18 grinding at prom like you're the hormones are are firing anyway a maximum right so at the very least i would say that like you're you're on par with everybody else i mean maybe maybe the fact that you haven't masturbated or had sex yet, like you've been able to restrain yourself for God and country, maybe that means that you have a lower sex drive, so you'll actually be a little safer. Whoa, so it hasn't been building up.

It's actually been diminishing. Yeah, maybe your frig freaking dick doesn't work what you old jesus freak i feel like if your brain really wanted to make you explode it would have done it in a wet dream by yeah maybe it has maybe it's like is is that like a little loophole for religious kids? Yeah, that's the evolutionary purpose of wet dreams is that if you can't masturbate when you're asleep, your brain says, you idiot, I'll take care of you and your God will be none the wiser. God's not paying attention while you're asleep. It wasn't me. It was my brain.

I swear. I swear it, mama. Outside the pearly gates. No, your seed actually spilled. It spilled. You didn't touch it, but you had a bad dream. Oh, don't pretend like you're not up here jerking it, St. Peter. I mean, why are these gates so pearly? Yeah, you have to go to hell now with all of the rapists and murderers, because you had a wet dream. Imagine how many people have pent up boners in heaven if it's filled with people

who've never masturbated before. Yeah, what a boring place that would be. I only want to hang out with other people that bust their nuts. What about an accidental orgasm? So he's still getting off scot-free, but it's not necessarily like a wet dream. You mean, what do you mean accidental orgasm? Like if you rubbed up against something in a seemingly innocuous way.

Like if you found yourself in a really tight hallway. The hallway was so tight that it's a fleshlight. Yeah. So you construct a small little house filled to the brim with fleshlights that sort of prevent you from walking or talking much. And you find yourself in a place that you almost have to masturbate to get out. Oh, yeah, like a life or death situation where like. Like a hot escape room. Yeah, that's kind of interesting. Because then like God can't be mad at that.

Like, because, you know, there's got to be like a commandment that's higher than the jizz thing. So like the lesser of two evils is to not. What was that Aesop fable about the kid that fell down the well and he had to jerk off so much that he actually started floating and he can swim to the top? I don't know if I remember that fable. That must have been something that your parents read to you. Yes. Yeah. Come to think of it, it was in my dad's handwriting.

Interesting. Yeah, it was like this parable of sorts, this story with an interesting message about, I forget what the point of the tale was, but it seemed to involve enough cum to fill a well. That was the upshot. The moral of the story is that you can always fill a well with spum. Yeah. So this kid can do something like that, like find himself in a situation where he, you know, has to seemingly need to orgasm or force himself to masturbate. But if that doesn't happen, I don't know, maybe two pairs of underwear? Oh, yeah. You could always do something like that. Maybe you wear like a, yeah, no, two pairs of underwear. That should probably work. Do you remember how hot dances

were? Oh, yeah. It's also funny that like, as you get older, the boner and the grinding is the point. When I was younger, I was like, oh, God, I can't get hard because people will notice when they're grinding with me. And then as you get older, isn't that why people do it? Isn't that why denim jeans are so hard? Because if we were all still wearing suits on a dance floor, everybody would have a little tent pop. Well, your denim jeans are hard because they're caked with spum from grinding.

Yeah, additionally so. So it's hard wash denim, but also dried semen. Yeah, you actually have really, really tight hallways in your house where you're constantly putting your dick, right? I live in a fleshlight museum of sorts, the size of a dollhouse that I can't stick more than just my legs into. There's also a well outside that is just overflowing with your seed. I don't know why I couldn't just piss myself out.

Yeah. Anyway, that's a story for another day. Two pairs of underwear, I guess. I like that. That's a practical solution. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back, answer some more cues after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any

questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz, with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming!

Gross. Yes, I do. Let me ask you a question, bub. Uh-huh. Do you smile at yourself in the mirror? I don't. You do not. I scowl and I cry and I wonder why.

This was an interesting development for me. So a few, I guess it was maybe a few weeks ago, I was like using like a little jade roller, which I think we've talked about on the show. Yep. We talked about the stone that you roll on your face yeah so i was using that and i was looking in the mirror and jill was filming me not like you know uh unbeknownst yeah candid shot and when i finished i sort of smirked at myself in the mirror and um like she thought it was really funny and then i talked to my sister and she was like do you smile at yourself in the mirror and i was like oh yeah i guess i do like that me doing that smirk was like something i do all the time and i just figured everybody did and

but my sister was like uh i like i do that too and And then I asked Jill if she did it, and she was like, no. And then now I just asked you, and you said no. So I didn't even know that people didn't smile at themselves in the mirror. That's how natural it is to me. Furthermore, I think it makes you have a more positive outlook on your day if you smile at yourself yourself if you treat yourself with a friendly attitude it's like a daily affirmation a positive affirmation yeah and then now that i've like thought about and i started noticing it i like i i cheer myself up in the mirror all the

time what do you like visually or using words yeah, like sometimes I'll just make a silly face at myself. Sometimes I'll... I always give myself a nice smile. I've caught you playing peekaboo with you. Yeah. Well, Mirror Me is just a... He's a real wackadoodle. He's a clown, and I love him.

He always teases me and makes me laugh. You'll dangle keys in front of him. When Mirror Hurwitz plays peekaboo, I don't know where he goes for a beat. And then when he comes back, when he peeks out from behind the hands and I see his smiling face, I say, oh, you got me again. I thought you had disappeared.

Got it. Yeah, so he's always making cute faces at me, smiling at me, playing games with me, and it makes me happy to be there with him. And I miss him when he's gone. And my dad was never around growing up, and I didn't need him to be, because mirror me would sort of take over for my father, so. Mirror me is the best me.

Yeah, but that's my advice. Everyone should smile at themselves in the mirror, treat it, treat themselves with a little bit of positivity and joy, inject some, some fun, nice times into your day through smiles. I think that everybody has a face they make when they look in a mirror.

Like I, I do the same face every time I look in the mirror and then, uh, friends, family, loved ones all have a certain face that they make. And it's the face that they're either inspecting to see their biggest insecurity or looking to hide their insecurity or doing a face that they think they look best in. Right. I guess I do that too.

But every time before I leave, I give myself a smile. What's your face that you make? I don't know. It's hard to describe. It's just a face. I guess I'd have to just take a picture. I used to like look over my glasses, but now I don't have glasses anymore, but I still like keep my chin down and look up. Oh yeah. I know exactly. There's videos of you doing this. That's your, I know the face. Yeah. Jill's also recorded me doing it. Who did? Jill's also recorded me looking in the mirror. she's doing some sort of like voyeuristic expose yeah visual art shit right it's invasive it's totally invasive i didn't even know that she had come out to la that's like it's actually called jake in a mirror oh yeah so in a way it's kind of interesting yeah

no she's starting a patreon uh speaking of patreon jeff rubin was on our patreon this week we were talking about old videos that we made together that highly recommend yeah that's a that was a good one it was i it was so interesting to watch katan which is like a video that you forget about because we did it during the first college humor all-nighter so it was like all those videos are a blur anyway and it was also like 10 years ago yeah um that and the other video that we watched which is like one of our oldest video but made me crack up the party planning video is so funny oh yeah you know it's something i noticed in that video that we didn't notice in the Patreon watch commentary. Tell me.

When I was talking about fucking interns and everyone goes, you can't fuck the interns. Dan says, you can't butt fuck the interns. Oh, yeah. It's like very subtle. And I like triggered when I was watching the video of us commenting on it. I'm like, oh, I think he's saying butt-fucking, but I didn't remember that during the actual taping of the commentary. That's funny. I remembered him doing that joke.

I thought it was good. You can't butt-fuck the interns, which is true. Regular fucking's fine. All right, back to the the questions back to the answers um this guy has a question about game of thrones which i thought we should revisit now that the show's over oh and you're such a big fan well was uh we'll call this guy um uh jamie lannister because that's a character that i remember from the 11 episodes I've seen. Great. I'm having a soul-crushing issue here, writes Jamie. To read Game of Thrones or not,

it's been seen and heard that Jake dived into the series, and I'm wondering if having watched the show will be like re-watching the show with just more depth. Oh, sorry. This reading will be like re-watching the show with more depth into the characters, or will it bring to light new storylines and twists i could uh i wish i could come to you with a dead poor dad or a shitty slutty wife but unfortunately this is the drama plaguing my existence love jamie lannister firstly

what'd you think of the last season were you as down on it as everybody on my twitter feed yes i hated it as much and more uh as else. I'm the dude that started the petition. Your finger was hovering over whether it should be raising funds for Alabama abortion or getting people to rewrite the last season of Game of Thrones. And you said, fuck it, I got to trust my gut. Yeah, you know what? I couldn't be mad about both things. I donated and I'm pissed about Game of Thrones, okay? Yeah, but who'd you donate more money to? Oh, I donated $1,000 for them to reshoot starting from the end of season six. Wow. Oh, so people didn't even like season seven? I thought all this stuff was just about season eight. I think season seven is like where it started to diverge and i feel like season seven being kind of bad like just

shows how much trust and buy-in all of the fans had because like when dumb shit happened we're like it's okay they have a plan like this has to happen quickly here because like season eight's gonna be awesome right so you had you gave them the benefit of the doubt six great seasons and then a seventh that could have gone either way yeah yeah is every season a book like how many books have there been i believe there's been five books okay i think there's five and then how many more books um he's there was supposed to only be one final book, but apparently he is doing two books now. He split that one up into two books, The Winds of Winter and A Song of Spring or something like that. Got it.

And will it follow the same story as the show, but just do it better? Or will he be like, nah, fuck that. Bran is not really the same. I've heard different things. One, the thing that I've heard is that George R.R. Martin did intend to have Bran sitting on the throne at the end, which I do think is fine.

I'm not going to say that Bran shouldn't be on the throne. I just think the way they got there is ham-handed and sloppy and incredibly dumb. So I imagine, since there's not really a timeline for George R.R. Martin, he'll, and the books are already so dense, like they slashed so much out of them for the TV show.

I think that the books will stay good. I would be, I guess I'm definitely going to still read the books. I would also recommend reading the books to anybody who loved the show still. Did it retroactively ruin the books for you, how bad this TV was? Or are you treating it like this weird fan fiction experiment and the actual show ended in season six? It came close to retroactively ruining the show for me. Wow. wow like i'm not sure i can i'm so mad at this season that i don't think i can go back and just like watch episodes of the show like i was doing leading up to this season because i was so excited

i would just like watch a random episode and be like oh i can't wait um for a while i feel like it's it's that bad breakup thing so i need like uh i need what is it, eight months off? One month for every year was a bad relationship. Yeah. So then I'll be, we can be friends again, maybe in like a year or so I can watch an episode. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch an episode from this season. Do you think the show would have been just as bad if the books had already existed? Or were the books helping that much? I think that the,

I think that the, it wasn't necessarily about like the, the books and the source material material. It was really like just bad writing and not enough time. Like the way Cersei died is kind of cool to me, but the fact that she like didn't have any screen time or like make any last-ditch effort or like i don't know she just didn't do anything like cool this season so i think that um yeah i don't know i i guess i think that the i don't think the show needed the books

to to figure out the plot points but it needed more episodes and more screen time for it to do everything well. Yeah, common complaint was that everything was rushed. Yeah, and I think it was so rushed that it wasn't like things had to happen. They just straight up cut so much out. Like, the fact that Jon stabs Daenerys, and then it just cuts, and it's six weeks later, and he's a prisoner, makes truly no sense. Grey Worm, two minutes before that, is slitting the throats of, like, soldiers who surrendered because they were once loyal to Cersei. And then a guy stabs their queen and that guy is just a prisoner.

That's not how it works. The city is surrounded by unsullied Dothraki. They're like murdering indiscriminately. The queen is killed and that guy goes, and then the guy that does it goes to jail. Are anybody, are any like mega fans coming to the defense of this last season in the subreddit i have not seen any i've seen the only thing i've seen is like we should be grateful that the show

is so good and like these people did such a great job with their performances and yada yada yada i'm i i agree the show is they they did something very cool but but also they bungled the ending so bad that I think they have to apologize. To you? Me personally. No way. At least let them issue a mea culpa to everybody watching.

I think it's got to be a fucking... I need a personal apology. Like face-to-face, by the way. No. I don't want a letter or a phone a personalized handwritten apology to you is not enough huge you just want to meet the cast it's clear you just want to meet the cast okay i mean if if the king of the north delivers the apology and we get to hang out for an afternoon that's fine i'll in character you want the actor to be in character to deliver the apology to you and then you want to hang out for an afternoon. That's fine. In character? You want the actor to be in character

to deliver the apology to you and then you want to hang out with that character? Yeah. I don't want to hang out with Kit Harington. I want to hang out with Jon Snow. Okay. So as the apology, you want everyone to get back into costume,

apologize to you in person, and then you get to hang out with them and they can't break character? Yeah. I want to be in westeros for a year this is you're asking for more every time now you want them to rebuild sets for you you want to visit the set not where do they shoot it in fucking scotland not the set i want to visit westeros well that can't happen i'm sorry i want to be i want to be like a lord of

winterfell for a year in Westeros. You want to have some sort of medically induced coma dream that lasts a year where you're part of the universe now, Nick Arcade style. You've completely enveloped yourselves into the book. And during the show that you're currently in, you want characters to apologize to. Yeah, exactly. No, no. So you got it. I don't get it. You get it. That's way too much. I'm no you got it i don't get it you get it that's way too much i'm glad you

get it have you seen videos that are now surfacing of like character or actors guessing how the show will end like two or three years ago oh no that's really fun though what do they say there's this i think the lady who plays sansa again i'm not sure, was being interviewed at a junket with the guy who played Jaime Lannister. And she's like, I think Bran will end up on the king's throne. And then Jaime Lannister seems to know how it ends because he was trying to actively convince her that that's not how it works, almost as if he knows. And he's like, no, that wouldn't work. That wouldn't work because yeah, it just wouldn't work. Forget that. Don't even record that. That's really interesting. That's crazy like stop this interview right now that's so absurd you'll ruin the show sansa i gotta send you that link who's that actor he's not american right no i i have i've no i've like seen his name but he's but I think he's Danish or something.

Yeah, he looks like Viggo Mortensen's hot younger cousin. Yeah. All right, one last question before we get out of here. Yeah. Another lady, who plays Sansa? Do you remember the character's name or the actor's name? Sophie writes, two years ago, I kissed a guy my friend was into. She had moved away, and I initially picked him up at the bar,

so I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Oh, and I had made out with his friend the same night and ended up, quote, picking him in the long run. I told her shortly after this happened and apologized. Flash forward to today, we're roommates, and I heard from a third person that she's still mad at me about this. Between the grudges she's holding, other drama we had, and her overall negative attitude, I don't want to live with her anymore. The lease is up in August, and I want her to move out and a cooler person to move in.

How do I go about doing this? Or should I just find a new place and roommate? Thanks. Love, Sophie. Or Sophia? Sophie. Yeah, Sophie. What do you think about this one i don't think you can force someone else to move out i think if you don't like the person you gotta

leave yeah i'm with you other like between this grudge her negative attitude and other drama like it sounds like you guys have an awful relationship right yeah it's not like you just told us like one thing that's sort of like an insight like uh this is like the straw breaking the camel's back but yeah but it sounds your living situation sounds untenable to me it's not working out for anybody no including you for this thing that you did two years ago you're saying and there was no other reason i bet if we talked to the roommate should be like all right here's what's really going on. Yeah. Every time we should do another podcast where we call the person that the question's about. Oh, that's cool. The other

perspective. The other side. The other side. If I were you, quote, the other side, a luminary exclusive. Ooh, there's two sides to every story. That's good. And we'll even have piano music in the background. Yeah, like an investigative deep dive. Yeah, into like what this relationship was like and why. That's cool. And it would cost cash. Yeah, and someone should give us cash.

Yeah. Luminary should give us a budget of, what is like Serial's budget probably? Probably like 150 grand an episode. Right. So if we got that, we could probably do the episode. More than that. All right. So if we got like 500 grand an episode for that deep dive podcast on like the shitty roommate thing, we could probably produce each episode for like 240 bucks.

We'd like underpay a producer yeah cheaper and then we're pocketing what is like 500 000 uh minus 240 bucks it's like uh 499 760 bucks okay and then we split that yeah evenly you and I. So that's divided by two. What is that? It's like $249,880. So that's pretty good. And if you think of that as like, that's per episode. That's like a 10-episode series.

What's that times 10? $2,499,880. That's actually pretty freaking good for 10 weeks of work, right? Yeah, it's a lot. my head's starting to hurt yeah but then you gotta put like like that's like yeah taxes oh all right so yeah those that's taxed on like at like 35 probably yeah 35 yeah so like what's what would i owe what's my yeah you know like what's what's what's the damage there? What do I have to pay to Uncle Sam?

And what do I get to pocket? Oh, what did I say it was? $2,499,880. Yeah, so then we got 35% going to the freaking government, obviously. 35% is like 5%, which is like 10% divided by 2, so it's back to the 249, 880. But divided by 2 is like 124, 940 times 7. So that's, let's see, 124 is like 12 and a half times seven. 11 times seven is 77 plus another one and a half sevens, which is 10. I think it's close to like, fuck, I want to say like a million, maybe a million one.

Bucks? I just did so much math for you. And then your one follow-up question was the unit of measurement. Yeah, it's always been bucks. Everything I've been saying has been dollars. You're so dumb. You're not doing any of the heavy lifting. I came up with the freaking idea.

Yes. Sorry. Bucks. Bucks. Everything's in U.S. dollars so far. Do you want me to convert the currency? Yeah. Oh, shit. To what? Can you convert it to Icelandic kroner? Because I think that's where I'm going to buy the...

Oh, fuck. I might buy a summer house here with all the bucks. So what's the exchange rate? 17,000 to 1? Yeah. 17,430, icelandic kroner that's actually not bad can you do me a favor if you're on your computer just open up a new i'm not on my computer yeah all right do zillow and akureyri and there's nothing it doesn't exist there all right use a different website i guess okay all right then that's all that's all now you don's all. Now you don't want to do the podcast? No, I don't. I got so far.

If I'm not going to be able to use Zillow to find my summer house in Iceland, then I don't really see the point. But that was cool. All right. All right. Let's wrap it up, bud. You got to leave. You can't kick a roommate out, but you can kick yourself out. Yeah, I would say that is accurate. Unless you did something yourself out. Yeah, I would say that is accurate. Unless you did something so bad. This seems like it's a toxic situation. I feel like just get out entirely.

Let's start clean. I think that's what we do. Okay. All right. There it is. Yeah. Enjoy. Thanks for listening, everybody.

If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, send it all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Dallin, Adam D dallin adam dallin this closing one is written by jerry grimes so thanks jerry thanks adam thanks to you jake for joining us oh by the way you never gave out a award for this episode i'm realizing oh um yeah so i won i won the golden mic and you got the turdy. So, congrats. Congrats. What?

Congrats to who? All around. Congrats to me? Congrats to you on taking home the turdy. Yeah, good job. And congrats to me for taking home another GM. Pretty fun. Good stuff.

Good old stuff. I love it. We're going to be in Chicago, I should say. There's about 50 old stuff. I love it. We're going to be in Chicago, I should say. There's about 50 tickets left to our Chicago show. HeadGum.com slash live. You can see us June 14th, 15th, 16th with all of our favorite HeadGum friends. Come on down. It's going to be a party. Yeah, we'll see who wins that golden mic live.

What do you think? That'll be cool. Oh, they're doing... We give them out during live episodes. You decide that you get one during live episodes, too? too yeah i've won every live episode we've ever done what did you win for this week by the way what do you mean which joke did you have that was the best um you said you got the golden mic right right right i think it was sort of like an overall performance thing and then me for the turdy was, do you think maybe I didn't win a turdy, but I didn't win a golden mic? No, I thought you were being cagey about being like a, you know, the fact that you're a chip

monk. So I feel like every time I have to pull that out of you, it's... That's a turdy. Yeah, that's a little bit of a turdy, just to me. That was like a turd-based performance in a way. I think that I won the golden mic i had fun doing the show with you man let's let's just try to stay positive because i think it's important for us to to sort of like you know present ourselves as like a like a strong unit and i don't want

i don't want this to you know reflect poorly on you really i think smile at yourself in a mirror is that what you said was your advice yeah that was my unsolicited advice to smile at yourself to smile at yourself you're not smiling at me you want to create a positive day for you why you smile at me all right we'll be back next week all right you fucking prick suck my dick my talent is slam poetry and my passion is sticking it to south america hey ho head gum how you living explanation for a sticky situation that i get and tried to seize the cheese but i was out of luck girl was a dime piece, now I'm in a Starbucks Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

Fuck you, gonna kill myself cause no one wants to fuck me Persistence, persistence creates distance Cause resistance in this instance I regret every choice I could have possibly made Cause this ain't horseshoes or hand grenades Your boy's innocent, shame burns like hell Call on a pinch and partners will help Give me what I would need to get through if I were you

Just tell me what to do if I were you South America South America South America South South Jamaica, mama Mama, Jamaica, mama. Are you too high? South, South, South, South America.

Feel free to not hold your applause to the end. They're not doing that. That was a Hate Gum podcast.