Segments - 387: Prison (w/Middleditch and Schwartz!)

Episode Date: June 17, 2019

Friends and comedians Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz join us live from Thalia Hall in Chicago to discuss foreskin, new pants, and who is 58 years old.Thanks to everybody who came out to HeadGum Live last weekend!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, give it up for Jake and Amir! Amir! Amir, Amir, Amir, sit down. Hey, hi, I'm Amir, Amir, Amir, sit down. Hey, hi, I'm Amir.

And I'm Jake, I'm Jake Hurwitz. Me, I'm Amir Blumenfeld, I'm a goddamn chipmunk, and guess what, me Jewish. Yeah, and I'm Jake Hurwitz, I like pussy. Amir. Yeah, Jake. Great to be here hosting our very own podcast

festival. Podcasts are the new great. Great. So excited all you guys could show up. If you're from Chicago, give me some love.

Okay. And if you're from Chicago, can you make some noise? Okay. And if you're from my hometown of Tel Aviv, Israel, make some noise. Wow, a lot of people from Tel Aviv. We have two. Yeah. Amir, you got a strong Adam Sandler vibe. Shampoo is better. Watch my new movie with Jennifer Aniston on Netflix.

Yeah, it's out there. Back together again. And what about you? You moved to New York, huh? I moved to New York and started a very successful D&D podcast. It's really been the end of our friendship. Yeah. I would say you flying to LA once a week

and me having nothing to do for six days is pretty lonely for me. Yeah. But hey, I love New York. I'm doing what I can. And you love pussy. If I know anything about me, Jake Hurwitz, I love that pudding tang, y'all.

Oh, and while I have, everybody, I want to thank the seven people who listened to Buckets. Thank you. So one, two, three, four. Anthony Davis to the Lakers. I bet I do a three-time special. We should have. We actually, for

today, we got two very special guests. I can't even believe we got them. Two of the best special guests. I don't know why I made my voice higher for Amir. Higher for yourself? Higher. Higher for myself. Where were these?

Where were... I don't even need glasses. I got LASIK. Why the fuck do I still wear glasses? Where would people know? We're very excited to have these two people. Have these two people. We've known them for a long time.

They've been on our internet web series. They've been on the show before. Well, one of them you'll notice from... Oh, jeez. One of them you'll notice from the hit indie Splinterheads.

Early aughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other one you'll know is Dr. Chompers from Sonic the Hedgehog. The best teeth game that... And the legs that broke the internet. The movie's actually great, guys. Wait for the movie.

The movie's actually great, guys. Give it a chance. Give it a chance. Oh, for doing real credits. By the way, one of them was just in Godzilla and had this line. One of them that's coming out was in Godzilla and had this line.

This is his line. My favorite line in the movie. You doing it? Oh, shit. No, he didn't have that line. What did he say? He didn't get the oh, shit line. What did he do?

Consider us very intimidating. Number one. Number one. Number one domestically, internationally. So if that was an underwhelming response, fuck you. Jake, Jesus, have you not had sex in a while? You know how I get

when it's been ten minutes. You know how I've been when it's been a decade. Ladies and gentlemen, straight off of their sold-out tour, I mean, they played very big venues. Ever heard of Carnegie Hall? Yeah. Ever heard of the Chicago Theater?

Ladies and gentlemen, gracing our stage tonight, give it up for Middle Ditch and Schwartz! What up, Chicago? It's true, I do love pussy. Reasonably successful bitch. Reasonably successful. I'm going to linger into it all night. You guys are going to hate it, then like it a little bit. Do I really sound like that?

I can't hear you over your bar mitzvah. Nice. My bar mitzvah video was supposed to play in the background, but it didn't come here in time, so we're going to do just the logo. You'll do your haftura during the break, I imagine. That was fun. That was like a roast of me.

The meanest thing Thomas could say about me was that I like New York and pussy. Amir, you really got the fucking shitty end of that juice stick. What can I tell you? Jake, you're untouchable. You're a rock star. Amir, I've got notes. Check your email.

Yeah. It's like a roast and a toast, all in one magical seven-minute bit. How is it a toast? Because they made you feel good about yourself. The podcast stuff was nice. That was toasty, yeah. Actually, that was toasty.

Chicago, how was everybody tonight? Woo! I will say this. Amir, in your defense, you're one of the best in the biz at bits on a text chain. If you ever find yourself in a text chain, and I'll give you his number at the end of the show. You don't have to do that.

Why don't we do it? I feel like we'll forget it at the end. I'm honored that you know it by heart. We'll bleep it out on the day. If you ever find yourself in a nice text chain with Amir Blooms, he's going to give you some solid bits. And here's the thing. You'll stop before he will.

Yeah, because I follow your lead. Turn it into a roast again. Careful. Don't be mean to me. This is the part where we make him feel good. Did that feel bad? That wasn't meant to be bad. That was fine, right?

He's a lot. That's what we're all bad. That was fine, right? He's good on the touch. He's a lot, you know? He's a lot. And I think that's what we're all saying. You're a lot. But it's also like having a lot of donuts is still good. That's not really. I know. But then you get fat.

You could die. You could die from too many donuts. What's that? You could die from too many donuts. Yeah. You asked us to come out and be you guys. Yes. If anything bad happened, it's probably your fault right

I thought it would be like hey let's get Jake For being this kind of way And let's get Amir for also having that And then it was like Kind of in a funny way and I don't mean to turn this into Like some weird intervention Because I'm not even that sad This is stuff that we should talk about like backstage

Because like Because I was like oh don't Don't do anything about my basketball podcast. Which you did bring up fairly quickly. And then I was like, oh, I can't wait. In my brain, I'm like, I can't wait to hear what they say about Jake. And it was kind of just like the fact that he gets laid a lot. Which was awesome. We talked about you getting laid, too.

No, you said every 10 years, right? A decade, yeah. That's a lot for a chipmunk. Oh, yeah. That's a lot. I think it's amazing that you are a chipmunk and you have sex. That's crazy.

First of all, chipmunks do have sex. I'm not a chipmunk, but chipmunks do have sex. But you know what chipmunks get, right? Nuts, bro. Nice, man. In their mouth. Dumb. Had them, then lost them. Had them, then lost them.

I don't care. I know. You think I care? I'll do nuts and mouth bits till the show ends. Let's get one more, but then we really have to put a cap on it. Put a nut in your mouth. I like it. Top shelf humor.

Shit, that one crushed. Top shelf. That was funny. You guys, who here has been to a live podcast of ours before? Okay, pretty cool, pretty cool. So you guys know the story. It's real people emailing us real questions, doing our best to preserve their anonymity,

but answer wisely. Sometimes it's Jake and me alone in a studio, angry at each other, mad. Why'd you move to New York? Yeah. Let's just get through this, bud. Yeah. Shirts off, 92 degrees.

It's a little wet. Humid for some reason. It's wet in the studio. Sometimes we have our good friends, Ben and Thomas, on the show. Yes. And then there are those special times that we have you both on the show

with a live audience. Has that ever happened before? Never happened before. This is the first time ever. First time ever happened before? Never happened before. This is the first time ever. First time ever. I said with confidence, yeah, like it had happened before. Like in my brain it was like, of course.

I'm maybe losing it. It's fine. Another great joke. Nuts in mouth, anyone? I like that a lot. So we got some here. Real questions from real people. All we need is a fake name to preserve that.

I'll make one up. And you want a... Just like a normal name. You want a very ordinary name? Just like a straightforward normal name. Wait, a lady or a boy? Is it a man or a woman? This one is from a dude.

A guy. Who's kind of a bro. Kind of a bro dude. I'll do it. I'll give it a shot. I'll give it a shot. I'll give it a shot. Thank you.

Great suggestions. All we heard was literally King Kong yelling at us. Kind of a bro dude I'll do it, I'll give it a shot Thank you, great suggestions All we heard was literally King Kong yelling at us Banana breath Who may be fighting Godzilla pretty soon I wasn't invited to that party Sorry No spoilers Alright, well this person probably has an ordinary name

Just a very normal name You want to know his name? I'll say it is... You don't have to think that hard because it could be a very normal name. I don't even have to think at all. It's right at the tip of the tongue. First thing I think of is a Sherbert Daltet.

Sherbert Daltet. Thank you. Thank you, Sherbert Daltet. Applause break for Sherbert Daltet. It was worth the wait. Thank you. Thank you, Sherbert Daltat. Applause break for Sherbert Daltat. It was worth the wait. Thank you. Sherbert is kind of a surfer bro. Thomas.

Yeah, I'll be honored. Will you honor us? Hey, before you do that, can I ask you a question real quick? No. Okay, cool. This will go all night. So how are you guys? Are you good?

Are you excited to be in Chicago? It's very exciting. And Jake, how many beverages did you have? Does it take a couple to get you out on stage? Yeah, I like to go one whiskey before, one whiskey during. No, wait, two whiskeys during. Do you think you're not funny unless you do that? I think I'm not confident unless I do that.

Okay. I'd love to hear the question in a surfer voice. Yeah. Hey, kudos on this phone case. Oh, thanks, bro. It's tweed. Shout out to super producer Mars who gave me the inspo when I copied her phone case. It's sort of like gray cloth.

It's like fabric, though. Yeah. It's nice. It's a little too much. No, do you remember that book when you were a wee? And you would turn the pages, and one of the pages was like, and feel daddy's beard, and you would like,

there was a patch of like scraggly shit. I know the book, I know the book. It 100% didn't say feel daddy's beard. I know the book, you're talking fuzzy caterpillar sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Feel daddy's beard was definitely not in that book. But at one point, yeah, in the book,

Noah said, feel Daddy's Beard and tell him how special he is. Was there a hole in the book where your daddy's... Anyway. I know this book, and it's fucking demented. I loved it. Nuts in mouth, anyone? Oh, we're back. It's got weirder now It's got weirder now.

The context will grow as the show goes on. I'm playing the long game. Don't worry, it'll pay off. The name once more was? Sherbert Daltek. Daltek. Daltek. Sherbert Daltek writes. Thank you very much. So recently I had a pool party

at my house to celebrate the start of the summer. Nice. Very good. We all started to drink pretty early in the day and were pretty wasted by the early evening. That's cool. During the entire party, my best friend kept hinting at our girlfriends. That's a weird possessive there.

At our girlfriends. That it would be fun to go to my room and have a shower together and possibly a foursome. Dude, why am I not at these parties? This is all I live for. Or he's 16. Yeah, from high school. His point stands.

I mean, brother, I could get you into these parties. Who wants to feel daddy's beard? If this guy's 16 and going to a foursome shower, like, give this dude a gold medal. At 16, I was just trying to get into my neighbor's land party. What's a land party? Local area network, you fucking noob! Get off my stage! Yeah.

Of course, of course. Okay. And they totally were into it. So, to the shower we went. Sounds pretty good, right? Yeah. Right! It was fucking awesome!

However, as I was pretty wasted, when I pulled out of my GF, who is... Oh, okay. Who is a piece equal to that of a dime. Nice. I nutted haphazardly into the dark abyss of my room. Is this what the show is? Mainly.

I don't listen to the podcast. We discussed tweenage cum on the show. Yes. Is this person really 16 years old? Well, no, no, no. The question is sent yesterday. It's from a 16-year-old. Sorry, continue.

Christ. Jesus. I get why Jake moved to New York. More pussy baby Yay That's awesome Fucking chipmunk I love it Into the dark abyss of my room

When we all woke up My best friend realized his pants Were covered in some sort of paste No spoilers Well I guess my girlfriend My best friend realized his pants were covered in some sort of paste. No spoilers. Well, I guess my girlfriend had used his pants to clean up the jazz. My best friend just bought these pants and loves them. Rag and bone, probably.

Anyway, that was not part of the letter. He says I should pay for his dry cleaning now to get them fixed, but I say all is fair in love and jizz. Do I pay to clean my buddy's pants, or do I say fuck it and let him deal with the cum sequences of the foursome which he initiated? Toad on. Thanks for the advice. P.S. I'm having another pool party at the end

of June in Edmonton, Canada. Let me know if you want to cum! P.P.S. Go Bills! That's from the original Dukes. Dude, I know this guy's Canadian. By the way, I feel like this is a hair away

from like a Seinfeld premise. Yeah. It's like a dirty Seinfeld premise of like, I don't want to pay for the guy's dry cleaning. The origin story of Larry David. Yeah. He wants me. He initiated it.

Can I say that these sound eerily like you wrote them. We would never, ever be that creative. I just think it's amazing. Like, this guy had a foursome with his best friend and their two girlfriends, and the worst thing that came out of it is that, like, maybe he has to pay for someone's dry cleaning, that's fine.

You could ruin a friendship forever based on that. The thing that I was thinking of is A, that gentleman probably had to walk home in those pants, correct? Those are his pants. Well, it was a pool party, so he might have come with a bathing suit. That's cool. Oh, thank you Sherlock Holmes. Actually. I'm sorry,

Watson, you have something to say? If we follow the cum. You are so Watson, man. Follow the, I think 100% you dry, this is, in my head, I thought it was going to be, do I dry clean it or do I buy him a whole nother pair? Because even if we clean it, my DNA is on this gentleman's pants for the rest of his life. You can all split the dry cleaning if you really have to. Yeah, how much does it cost to dry clean?

A single pair of pants? That's a $9 job. That's not bad. I mean, nine bucks for the time of your life in a shower? How did you get from shower? There's a lot of holes in this story. But only one has jizz coming out of it. Nice, dude.

Technically two in this story. Very good. If I was having sex in a shower, group or otherwise, and I was about to get to the end, there's no way I'd be like, quick, take it out of the shower and aim it into the room.

That's a remarkable part. The shower is petting. They've moved on into the room. She used it. She used it. She didn't jizz into the pants. She? This is her jizz?

Dude, relax. She used it to dry herself post-coitus shower. Oh. Well, then it's her fault. I mean, it's still dry cleaning. It's still dry cleaning. The cum thickens. Wow.

Watson, what else you got? I think the ladies should pay for the dry cleaning That's right it's 2019 after all Don't applaud that You can have pants with jizz stains on them right I don't know You're a grown up just fucking own it I mean you can clean it Jake you know you can clean your pants

No man I can't clean my pants That's a job for my mom The amount of cum That your mom had to clean Jake I can't clean my pants. That's a job for my mom. The amount of cum that your mom had to clean, Jake. She probably got pregnant. I was just cleaning Jake's pants. Jesus Christ. Is that how the triplets were born? I'm serious.

Is this show going to be dirty? Ben asked before the show. No, it's just a couple of people hanging out. I will say this. I will say this. If I was in a... I'm really in a dark place right now. Your mom listens to the show.

Micah was born this way, and that's the fucked up thing. I love Micah. That's what the song Born This Way is about. He's my son. Sing a little bit of Born This Way. Baby, I will fuck your pants. Baby, you were born this way. Baby, you were born this way. What was the...

Wow. Wow. That's a hot crowd. For everyone listening at home, that's a standing ovation if you just got through that. It's a hot crowd. Wow. This is insane. People from the Chicago theater drove up just to give a standing ovation.

Wow. They came into the theater and now they just left just for that song. Thank you. What's the song from the new, and now they just left just for that song. Thank you. What's the song from the new Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper movie that everybody sings? Shallow? Yeah, how does that go? God, how could I possibly?

Can we get the guitar out? No, sorry, Thomas, what were you going to say? Oh, now it feels weird. Now it feels weird? Yeah, it does, because we were talking about songs, and I just wanted to say does because we were talking about songs and i would i was i just wanted to say if we were in a situation where any of your guys's cum was on

my pants i'd wear them no big deal wow that means a lot thank you so much we're up guys i fucking love you guys i fucking love you man wow real talk man i'd wear it would be an honor to wear any of your guys's jizz it would be it would be a fucking honor it would be an honor to wear any of your guys' jizz. It would be a fucking honor. It would be an honor. An honor? Yeah. To wear your jizz? A privilege. No, not an honor.

I don't think so. Amir, let us cum on you, dude. No, I'm not going to let you fucking cum on my pants. It's absurd. Why do you think everybody came to this show if not to watch? That would be a real weird one. No. Do you guys have more questions?

No. We only have the one. And it's about questions? The other ones are... We only have the one. And it's about cum? The other ones are much wetter. You won't like them. Oh, no. Yeah, you don't want to go to the other questions, Ben. Oh, no. What do we ask? One's about a bucket. If we treat this question

with the respect that it truly deserves. Okay. Oh, yeah, okay. What advice do we want to give this guy? How about what would you do? I would say that you definitely have to dry clean the pants or even pay for a new pair of pants if the person's very uncomfortable with them. A new pair of pants? Good man.

Maybe this is like, I'm trying to identify what this is. Is this pride? I don't know what it is. I think it is, I think my point is, I would want to make a point out of it and say,

if this means a lot to you yeah sure I'll pay for the pants I'll pay for the dry cleaning but don't suggest this any again you're not ready for it you're not ready for this like no I don't want to shame him I just want to be like sweetie like it's okay like this maybe

isn't your thing like don't sweat it yeah yeah you're not ready for this you're not ready for this. You're not ready for this hashtag, the lifestyle. For every fuck party, there's a guy at a dry clean. That's like, do you use organic soap on these pants that I got? Come on. I had a pretty nasty party. I have a Groupon.

I'm reaching for it, but my pockets are stuck together, sadly. Is that Gabriel Iglesias' headshot? And also, so wait, oh, why he can't get these normal washes? Because they're nice? They're wool pants. They're nice

pantsy little... They're like... They're 1898 pioneer wool pants. Oh, they're from the revolutionary era. Wait, is this dude a prospector? He's from Edmonton. You get it. He's an oiler. Let's all have a portion, man.

So a surfer, an Alberta prospector, and two fine-ass ladies. All right, cool. Should we get to the next question? Yeah, let's go to the next question. Thomas, you have my phone. I'm going to need it back. Cool.

What's your password, Amir? I wouldn't give it out. 1-7-4-7-7-6. That's right. It's my home address, 4776 Danville Avenue. Ha ha ha. Why are you upset at me? You just said your real address.

Most people make fun of me. I didn't make fun of you. I know. Earlier with the glasses. I was supportive. I appreciate it. Thank you for bringing it out. Would anyone make fun of you just for living in Danville Avenue?

You know what? It's like so much bullshit that I get that now I'm on edge. I'm like a balloon. I think you're a cool dude. You're hypersensitive. I appreciate that. You just said your own address and yelled at Ben. I didn't make a mistake.

What's your social? I'm not going to say my social. Why? Is it a funny number? No, it's not a funny number. What is it? If it's not a funny number, what's your social? Do the first three digits.

If it's not a funny number, it is it? If it's not a funny number, what's your social? Do the first three digits. If it's not a funny number, it should be easy to say. Nobody will laugh. If it's a normal number, you're scot-free. You're fine. But if it's silly Amir Blumenfeld numbers... We do not believe that it's a fucking goofy number. No one's even like writing it down. What is it?

Yeah, go. It is six. That's fine. Nine one. No, that's already a goofy number. Six to nine one. Okay, you got a goofy number. 6-9-1. Okay, you got a couple more. 6-9-1.

6-9-1, 6-9-1. You're the 691st person in the world? No, there's more. I'm listening. Oh, wait. 60. It's 6-9-1, 6-0. No one says a number like this.

I think it usually starts with two, doesn't it? No, it matters where you're from. It's three, two, four. No, it's six, nine, one. Is that funny? No, keep going. 69. That's another 69.

Now we're getting to goofy territory. Right now, all you have is a 69 split with a one. Yes. And then six, and then 969. See, that's too many numbers and very dirty. What's the next question? This email comes from a Swedish woman. Thomas, is that in your wheelhouse or what?

It couldn't be more. Do we have a Swedish woman's name? I heard Crandis. I heard a Crandis, too. Crandis? Crandus. I heard a Crandus, too. Crandus? Crandus. And this one probably won't be as dirty, because the first one was so dirty.

This one's pretty clean. This one's squeaky clean. You can share it with your parents. It works clean. Crandus writes, Hi, guys. I'm a Swedish woman, and I'm going to India with my fiance in two weeks to meet his family

for the first time. There is a Swedish person. There are a bunch of Swedish people being like, no. But there are a couple that are like, he nailed it. He really nailed it. That's it. I guy's on point. He really nailed it. That's it.

I have a couple reservations, but the biggest one is bathroom related. Oh, Ben. I have IBS. Oh, nice. Yesterday we did a show in Milwaukee, and my stomach... No way, were you at the show?

Were you on our train? And so at the show, what did I do at the show in Milwaukee? Someone gave me an Imodium so I wouldn't shit myself on stage. Real story. Did you shit yourself? No, I was great. The Imodium worked great. Awesome.

Imodium. It's for the butt. But you're not supposed to put it in your butt. Nobody. Amodium. It's for the butt. But you're not supposed to put it in your butt. Nobody put amodium in their assholes. It's not a suppository. I'm pretty sure you put it in your butt. Have you been putting amodium in your butthole? It's worked. Okay.

I'm basically... Oh, fuck off. These letters. I'm basically a human shit bomb waiting to go off anyway. And basically everyone, brackets, even my fiance who was born there, gets some kind of foodborne illness or diarrhea when they visit India. Not only that, but I'll be sharing one, really one bathroom with like ten people who are just meeting me for the first time and judging my worthiness to marry their beloved baby boy. I don't want my weak constitution to make a bad impression.

What's going on there? What should I do? Fake sick and throw the trip? Sew my arsehole shut? Option two. Off myself at a local chaiwalla? What is that?

Kill herself at an Indian Starbucks, basically. You heard it from the crowd That's the answer It's sad to have an applause When you suggest killing yourself Any advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks Love

Crandus Let's give it up for Crandus That's a tough one. Ben, you got a week. You got a week, Poopoo. Would you go to India? What's going on? My stomach's been real.

By the way, the past couple months has been worse than it's ever been. It's life-threatening, you would say. Yeah, it's life-threatening. My life is in shambles. That's good stuff. Thomas, what do you think? No, no, no, I wasn't done.

Okay, sure. What are you laughing at? It's funny how you said you had a disease, no, no. I wasn't done. What are you laughing at? It's funny how you said you had a disease that might kill you. I'm just trying to keep the positive energy going. It seems like Ben has some shit that he wants to air out. Get it out of your ass.

You're making a joke out of something serious. Crohn's disease? Do you have Crohn's? No. Do you have Crohn's?? Do you have Crohn's? No. Do you have Crohn's? Is that why you're doing this? No.

I'm sorry to hear that. Sorry, what were you saying? Sure. Careful on the chair. You're going to fall backwards. I would say... I really don't want you to do it. No, you're right.

You're going to fall back? He's going to fall backwards. Is it going to be worth it, the injury? I think it'll be funny. So just for the podcast, for the injury? I think it'll be funny. Just for the podcast audience. Send it! He's too much of a coward. He wouldn't do it.

I'll do it if one other of you promises to do it. I'll promise to do it. I will not. You know you can lie, right? Thomas is good. I promise to do shit all the time. A promise Thomas is a promise forever. I'll do it at the same time.

Really? By the way, I will say. This is a useless risk of injury physical bit for a podcast. We're going to hurt our head. We're going to hit our head. I wanted it to happen when it was just a mirror. I don't want a Thomas. I don't want to hurt our head.

Thomas has to film in like a couple weeks, guys. Yeah, this is not worth it. No, I don't. This isn't just a mirror I don't want to hurt our heads Thomas has to film in like a couple weeks Yeah this is not worth it This isn't worth it I don't think We're going to hurt our head Is this worth it? This is kind of thrilling right? It's not really worth it but This is insane

I don't want to hurt our heads Before you do it You have to have like You have to have like a funny sentence to say. A funny in addition to the death that we're going to have? I'll say the shocking news and then when you hear the news, you guys fall back.

Thomas, may I say, as someone who I tour with around the world, I'd rather you didn't get hurt. Are you sure you want to do this? Amir can do it. I don't care. It'd also be really funny if you fell off the stage.

That would be... Why don't we just not do it? I wish I had the balls because if everybody has their phone out... All right. I don't think it's worth it. Do you really want to do it? At this point, you have to do it. I'm sorry.

I'm not telling you to do it. This is bad. I'm here to record it if you do, but I'm not telling you to do it. Are you really going to fall back? We're going to hit our heads. They need the blood. We should have never stopped talking about cum.

This is what happens when we stop. I don't want to do it, but I'll do it if you do it. It's going to hurt. I can't look. Well, I will say, you've made a mistake.

Who wants to see them do it? You're an idiot. So either say no now and it'll be over. I'm not saying no. You're not saying no? Okay, then Amir, you have to do it. Are you really going to do it? If you say no, I won't, but I'm not saying no.

No joke? This is how Clay tours ACL. All right, here we go. I don't want to do it. This is literally the same trick that Houdini died on. I'm really fucking scared, Thomas. Just look at me the whole time, baby. Are you going to do it?

Okay, I'm going to say it. What does it matter if he does it? Count it down. We'll see who does it. Are you going to do it? We'll see who does it. No, I don't want to do it if you don't do it. I'll say a sentence.

I'll say a sentence. I'm fucking scared, Thomas. This is taking too long. I don't want to do it. I'm almost going to go. I'm going to let Jake decide. Okay, ready? Okay, ready?

Here it comes. I'll let Jake decide. Here it comes. Jake, should we do it or not? I'm really fucking scared, man. Ready? Here we go. Ready?

No, I want Jake to weigh in. Jake, what do you say? I say no, but Jake, what do you say? If he says no, I don't think I want to do it. I'm too scared to even say you should do it. Let's not do it. Let's not do it. Thomas should do it. Let's not do it. Thomas should do it.

What a dumb thing. What a dumb thing. Let me tell you something that I realized halfway through that. Yeah, I mean, it was kind of, like that whole build-up, it was kind of exciting. Think about how boring that will be for a podcast audience who cannot see anything that's happening.

And also, there are people who risk their lives every day. And we're like, should we fall back on this collapsible chair? What if I cracked my skull? The show must go on. We wouldn't even let EMT virus save. We would just finish. I didn't know the password to your phone.

That was a thrill. I missed it. I didn't see the password to your phone. That was a thrill. So I would say- I missed it. I didn't see anything. I was laughing too hard. I missed the entire fucking thing. I knew Tom was going to do it because you chickened out. I knew he was going for it, which made me very happy.

That's all it's going to take. How did it feel? It was fine. Yeah, it didn't hurt. You look great. You didn't hurt yourself at all. No. Oh, come on.

So this is what I would say to the question. What was the question? I have a concussion. I would say that you definitely go on the trip. You definitely go on the trip. Oh, right. The Swedish lady who's going to India.

You can't let that affect your life. You can't let that derail your life. And I think there's one thing you do. If there's one bathroom, see if there's another bathroom a little farther away. There's like sometimes if you're in a room

with a couple people or whatever and you don't want to use that bathroom, you use the lobby in a hotel. People have done that before, right? Or staying at a house with one toilet. I'm actually, I'm going to say, it's a perspective shift.

This is, if you're Swedish with IBS and you're going to India, this is the one chance that you can go 100% under the radar. You can go there and just be like, I ate something weird.

And people will be like, that's standard. That happens all the time. It can be your IBS, but you're... Oh, so you're like, let's lean into it. I want to guzzle a fucking gallon of fountain water from a faucet. She doesn't have to get food poisoning. No, I want her to fucking open a fucking brown water tank. You're bleeding a lot from the base of your skull doesn't have to get food poisoning. She just uses the fucking other people. Open a fucking brown water tank.

You're bleeding a lot from the base of your skull. You look bad. Your eyes are rolling back. That was unrelated. I had too much alcohol in addition to the falling backwards. Your teeth are falling out. I have Giardia. Thomas, do you want to do it again? No. No, I don't want to do it again.

You did it once. It was unimpressive enough. I would say bring something to do it again? No. You're done. No, I don't want to do it again. Thank God. You did it once. It was unimpressive enough. I would say bring something to make the smell go away. And maybe play a little music when you're in there. And it could cover up all your disgusting farts. Yeah, get a good shit playlist for sure. Yeah, that's good. We're playing the shits, baby.

Top 100 playlists. Very nice. Play shits. It could be shallow. How does that go? Sing it. No, I don't want to sing it. Get my guitar. All shallow. How does that go? Sing it. No, I don't want to sing it. Get my guitar.

All right. Where does it go? Next question. This one's hard to track. The answer? Or the shallow bit? The show. Yeah.

What would you do? Would you go to India? Would you shit in the hole? What? I just answered. You said... You really hit your head. I don't know where I am.

I just gave a long answer that you jumped on and talked about with me. We had a discussion. This guy tours the world and he's shitting in every... We had a shit break on the way here. We sure did. Amir, we played Chicago three weeks ago. Weeks ago. Weeks ago.

Weeks ago. Weeks ago. Amir, wake up. Wake up. Amir. Amir. Amir, wake up. My up. Amir. Amir. Amir, wake up.

My jizz is all over your pants. Tell me something, boy. That's what it is. Go. Go. What are you doing? Go. Get to the chorus.

I'm falling. How does it go? Tell me something, boy. Cause I'm falling deep and watch as I dive in. I'll never reach the ground. Stretch to the surface. I'm gonna be the ground. Whoa. Lady Gaga. Bradley Cooper. be that oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

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oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh't want to... I think the movie's very good, but gets to the concert, and then he's like,

hey, remember that song you hummed to me yesterday? I think we both know how it goes in full, ready? Ready, and also, exactly how we harmonize, ready? Ooh, whoa! See, if we can do it,

they can probably figure it out. That's probably true. Never mind, there's no flaws in it. One more time for Crandis. Hey, what happened... I missed the... true. Never mind. There's no flaws in it. One more time for Crandis. Hey, what happened? I missed the end of that movie. What happened to Bradley

Cooper? He ended up surviving at the end. Cool. Cool dude. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready

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everywhere including New York and Ontario, void where prohibited, one per new customer, non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months, limited time offer, see terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thomas, do you have a 20-year-old male from Canada's name?

I'm the name? Do you have the name of someone who's a 20-year-old male from Canada? What are they saying? Kawhi for Kawhi Leonard, who just won for the Toronto Raptors. What'd they saying? Kawhi for Kawhi Leonard, who just won for the Toronto Raptors. What'd you say? Kawhi Leonard? Is that what it is? He's not Canadian, but you can call him that if you want. It's up to you to give him a perfect name.

I mean, a real Canadian name would be like Ronnie McManagan or something. Perfect. Why don't you give him a name like I'm gonna make fun of you in a Jake and Amir video. Penis McOpen Spready Burrito Boy with a Thousand Island dressing made of sauce. And then how do you make fun of him?

I go, nice try, saucy. Damn you. They liked it. That was fun. Wait, Thomas, do a thick Canadian. Do a thick Canadian. I'll do my best. Thanks, buddy.

All right, Canadian. All right. Thick Canadian accent. Hello, Jake and Amir. I am a 20-year-old male from Canada. I do not know if my penis is circumcised or not. Stop. Don't say anything else.

Where are these fucking emails coming from? Canada. It feels like a generator. It feels like a comedy generator. I'm a 16-year-old having foursomes in a shower. I'm a person that has IBS, but I'm going to India and going to try the spiciest foods. I'm looking at my dick. I don't know if it's circumcised.

Sorry, Thomas. Continue. Keep in mind, the person that doesn't know this is circumcised or not is 20. We've established that. Jesus. He's had a long time to figure it out. Ask a question. Look at a picture online. No, but we'll

find out why. I have shown friends of I have shown friends of mine and we have nicknamed it the hybrid. Because it looks as though it is a mix of being uncut and cut. It's not fully wrapped, yet it looks

like God forgot a piece down there. I feel like this is something I should know by my age. Yes. Yeah. Should I ask my doctor next checkup? What are you, fucking insane? Yes!

He's been so comfortable showing all of his friends. Here, Charlie, you look at it. My dad's a doctor. Do you want him to look at it? No! That's gay. Anyway, we asked him for a photo, so can we pull it up?

No, for real? I would be sexual harassment To show a photo to an uncircumcised penis To a bunch of people Or maybe circumcised She's a hybrid Or Should I ask my doctor next checkup

Or should I simply ask my parents Which might be embarrassing I have never gone far enough with a girl for her to give her input. I figured two Jews would have expertise in this area. See?

Two and a half Jews. Thanks. Ronnie McMalligan, a.k.a. Kawhi. Let's give it up for Ronnie. Okay. Okay. So this guy has a two-skin of sorts. A half-four-skin. He's living in an in-between

no-man's land. I love when they turn on you. I love it. Your own goddamn audience turning on you for a cheesy joke you probably had in your head 30 minutes ago. I have it written on a post-it on the back of my phone. Oh shit, it fell off. Yeah, it's cloth. It's tough to stick shit to that. There's jizz

all over this case. Thomas, pay for it. You passed it through Hurwitz, man. So yeah, his foreskin is living in the nether, in the underworld. That's right. A bottom skin, not a top, or maybe half the way through. What do you think?

Do you think it, I mean, is it possible either, I mean, look, bodies are all different. Maybe it grew half, or maybe there was like a I'm coming in. Whoa, slip. Oh, fuck, it's half. Never mind. Run, run. Run, Kyle. I told you I shouldn't have done it.

You fucking dared me, dude. I don't like dares. I told you we shouldn't have done it. You fucking dared me, dude. I don't like dares. I told you we shouldn't have snuck into this hospital. Frank Moyles? Yeah, from Oil Breakers. It's Ashton Kutcher as a Moyle. Jack Shepard pretending to be a rabbi. In this deleted scene from Punk to 1999?

Yeah, it could be both, I guess. It's probably foreskin that wasn't cut, and it's just very short is my assumption, correct? Short skin. Short, that's nice. Yeah, I like that. A half C. That also, though, could explain why the parents don't know.

It's like it's a two skin. Thank you, guys. Savage. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Two-skin. It's like a two-skin.

Don't be afraid to stand up. Don't be afraid to stand up. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Hi. Thank you. Hi.

Thank you. Hats off, dude. I never. Thank you. Thank you. Hi. Thank you. Hi. Thank you. Hats off, dude. I never. Thank you. Thank you. You know what? Tooth skin. Tooth skin.

Tooth skin. Tooth skin. Tooth skin. I never. Sorry. Sorry. I've never interrupted a chant. And sorry, actually, I want to say I've never.

Wait, wait. Let him talk. Let him talk. You're right. You're right, you're right, but let him talk. Wait one second. Sorry, Jake's interrupting me. I've never done this before,

but I'd like to award you the Golden Mike. Woo! Woo! That is... Woo! Ladies and gentlemen, that is Ben Schwartz's second Golden Mike. Thank you.

Woo! Thank you very much. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've got a golden mic. I've got a golden... Sorry. So anyway, when I thought of the idea for Two Skin,

I had it. Four Skin is like a normal thing. I had it. I had the idea for Two Skin. So anyway, I really appreciate you guys. I had the idea. Amir, shut up. Thank you.

Never give up on your dreams. Anything is possible. Two Skin. Two Skin. Two Skin. Two skin! Two skin! Two skin! Man. Legendary joke.

Legendary. I, uh... Absolutely. Savage. I had it. It was savage. That was totally savage. If you want to dab about it,

you can absolutely feel free. Oh, I will sometime in the show. I fell backwards and I had two skin. Oh, my God. There's a thousand dollar gift certificate on the bottom of this. Awesome. How many of these do you have?

Let's split it. I don't have any yet. Jake, how many do you have? I have 386. Thank you. Wow. That was entirely for the two skin or any other bits? No, my two-skin joke crushed.

Yeah, two-skin was awesome. So that's what I'm saying. Ask your parents. Jake, Thomas? Yeah, a quick was I circumcised would really... I think he might have been circumcised as a kid or something and then outgrew his foreskin. So that's why the parents don't necessarily know.

Wait, no, he would... They've seen the baby penis that had a normal-sized foreskin, but now he's an adult man with a baby foreskin. That's why the parents don't necessarily know. They've seen the baby penis that had a normal-sized foreskin, but now he's an adult man with a baby foreskin. That's cool. They say ears and foreskins don't grow. Conversely, do you think it's also a possibility

that he was circumcised and half of it grew back as a protest? That's kind of like a two-skin. Shut up, dude. That's fucking of like a two-skin. Shut up, dude. That's fucking... Joke thief! Joke thief! You're not a comedian. The audience is right. That's a tourney.

I know. I'm here for Stealing Ben's Joke. You just won yourself a tourney. Do you guys want to hear it one more time? Okay. Show them how it's done. So this guy kind of has like a small foreskin, right? And me, Ben Schwartz, I'm thinking,

it's more like a two-skin. Thank you. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Thank you. Chicago! He tried to take it. Thank you. Thank you, whoever gave it to me. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thank you. You earned it, man.

You earned it. She doesn't want that back. That was anybody's award tonight, but Ben took it home for the... That's two for me. Two for me. How many for you, Jake? 386. How many for Amir? He has not won one yet, but there's always next episode.

There's always next episode to have it. Cool. Alright, next question. Yeah. I have a fucking ear infection from the fall. I cannot hear. I've been related. You had that already, man.

I didn't. I fell on a fucking caterpillar. I swear to God. My teeth feel soft. It's fucking weird, dude. I'm serious. That was another affliction you had earlier. Ah.

Did you have any, like, bad fit when you fell down, man? No, I feel pretty good, actually. It's crazy. Thomas actually looks even better than he did. Your back looks realigned. Thanks. Yeah. Your posture's amazing. Thanks. Yep.

Feel pretty tight. Feel pretty good. Feel pretty flexed. Tell me something. Shut the fuck up, dude. Get to the question. Stop wasting people's time. What's the letter, dude? The letter. This one was email.

This one was actually snail mail to us. Thomas is right. Read the scroll. Read the ancient tablets. We need a British man's name from Leicester. Leicester Square. Mandroid? Mandroid?

Mangeorge. Oh, Mangeorge. Like Boy George, but Mangeorge. Mangeorge. Thank you. Mangeorge from Leicester writes. Where is Leicester in England? North or the south? South.

Okay. What is it next to? Right. I don't know. Okay. I broke up with my ex about two years ago. Can I say something? Thomas is amazing at impressions, or accents, for real.

I've done maybe maybe what have we done maybe 500 shows together two million i'm probably closer to two mil you are so good at i'm terrible that you're always so good at that i keep going i'm just telling everybody you're a few months ago oh you knocked it out of him uh yeah you fucked up my game dude sorry dude uh i broke up with her ex about two years ago. A few months after we broke up, I found out she had cheated on me with one of my best friends. A couple months after that,

the person she cheated on me went to prison. Cheated on me with went to prison. Oh, dear. So, okay, so that's happened. Fast forward two years, and this guy has just been released early for good behaviour and is invited to another close friend's birthday party. I obviously don't want to have anything to do with this coward roach who fucked my girlfriend.

So what do I do? I like calling someone a coward roach. This is a small party, like ten people are going. Super small. That's a get-together. Party is a stretch. That's not a party, buddy. That's a fucking wine and cheese thing. Like 10 people are going, so I would be forced to interact with a convict. Should I turn up and beat the shit out of this turd? Or should I say fuck you and not go at all? The hero's move. Your biggest fan from Leicester.

What's the... Man George. Let's go for Man George. Alright. Oh, Leicester. I think it's Leicester. Can you break it down for me one more time? Tell me what's happening. This guy, his girlfriend cheated on him

with somebody that went to jail. And then that guy got released from jail and is going to a small get-together. And this guy is either going to show up and beat him up or pass. Or not go. And those are the two options. I'll let someone else start this one.

I would pound this guy in the ass. This guy... With your fist, right? Oh, yeah. That's even better. Fists are here. Fists are here. These are fists.

These are fists, though. Are you thrusting your hips? Okay, yeah. Welcome to the party. Turn around so I can pound your ass. With your fists? With my fists. How do you knead bread?

Amir, show me how you knead bread with your hands. Knead bread. I knead it. No, knead it. I knead bread, please. No, no, no. Kneading it. Kneading it. I need bread, please. No, no, no. Needing it. Needing it.

That was very funny, Amir. Where's the trophy? Buddy, you're a golden mic in my eyes. Is that worth anything? Well, I mean, it's nice. It's a nice compliment from Thomas. It's not worth a golden mic. No, man, I just got out of jail

because I fucked some guy's girlfriend. That's why worth a golden mic. No, man. I just got out of jail because I fucked some guy's girlfriend. That's why you went to prison. Yeah. England's weird. Yeah. They're so proper. So what's the... You deserve it.

Thank you. I appreciate that for saying that. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking about the turdy. Amir, that was you from the future. He's covered in shit. Jizz all over his pants. Don't forget to come.

How do you treat your ex-girlfriend's new dude? Is it cool to be mean? Is it cool to be polite? Is it cool to not go to the party at all? It sounds like you shouldn't go to the party because you're overthinking the party a lot.

He's scared. He's also afraid of the convict. He's called him a coward and a roach and then said, fuck you and maybe I won't go. He's putting a lot of his thoughts about himself onto the delinquent man. Here's the question. The delinquent man is inherently scary

a little bit, right? That's cool. That's a big question. What did that man go to jail for? That's true. Right. If it was tax evasion, go pound his ass. Go pound that ass. Go pound his ass.

Computer fraud. If it's murder one, stay awake. Yeah. What's a cool thing to go to jail for? Oh, robbing a car. Okay, what's a...

Going on a joyride is a cool thing. What's a nerdy shit to go to jail for? Tax evasion. That's cool. D&D podcast. You wouldn't go to jail for? Tax evasion. That's cool. You wouldn't go to jail for a D&D podcast. Jake, why'd you get pissed off?

Take a breather, buddy. Because D&D is cool. Yeah, that's right. I'm Jake Hurwitz. I like New York City, Dungeons & Dragons, and pussy. And that's what will be on his gravestone. I say we should tell

him to go to the fucking, we'll keep this part out, but let's tell him to go to the party and beat this guy up and see if he does it. You think we go to the party and beat him up? We buy first class. No, no, I say let's fucking say yeah, you should go to the party and beat this guy up and then we'll see if he fucking does it.

The glint in your eye, it's so intense. So I think he should beat this guy's ass. Whoa, Jesus, Amir. What do you think? You said the secret, quote, unquote, into the microphone. I figured we would bleep it. So we'll cut that part out. We're going to have to cut this part out, too.

Okay, starting now. I say this guy beats this guy out too. Okay, starting now. I say this guy beats this guy's ass. Amir, Christ. Okay, all right. That's one for pro beating. Okay, so we'll cut out our reaction to it also.

Yeah. Okay. Actually, let's just get wild lines of you guys saying yeah, woo, whatever and then I'll use that. I don't want to do that. Okay.

So I'll try to get it naturally from you by saying some shit that you do like. What are your thoughts on pussy in New York? Oh, I love it. Yeah, beat his ass. That's great. Can you use that?

Is that usable? I think we can use it even though the audience was a little messy. It dirtied it up a little. Sure. Sorry, without you guys saying anything, what are your thoughts on pussies in dungeons? They're great, man. I don't want to do this anymore That's awesome, we got it I'll cut out the I don't want to do this anymore

I don't think you can, it goes in pretty smooth Amir, you have dug a 12 foot hole for yourself That's really good, can we get that clean? But say I fucking want this guy to beat this guy's ass I didn't say that I said you've dug a hole so big You can't get out. One might even say it's a deep hole

and not shallow. Hit it, Amir. I'm falling. And stop it, Amir. Okay. I would say don't go to the party. Don't go at all. No. Isn't living well the best revenge? You try to act like it's no big deal.

What's up, dude? How was prison? Whatever. This sounds so personal to you, it's insane. I wrote the mail. That's why it was snail mail? Do you mail it to yourself? The guy got off for good behavior.

There's something there, right? He's a good boy now. He's Christian. So you can go to the party and Tease him for that That's not cool You could also go to jail for things that you weren't responsible for There's a hundred reasons why this guy could be just a wonderful Maybe it's the Shawshank scenario

Yeah maybe it's Tim Robbins But he did kill He was in jail for murder Yeah but he didn't kill the person Didn't he? No You never saw Shawshank? Shawshank is amazing. Waste of time. No way. It's such a good

movie. Dude, get TNT. It's on every five minutes. What if, what do you think the chances of a of a roach convict as that man calls him. Don't worry, it's not my words. He would go to the party and he'd just be like

hey, I'm sorry. I know what it did. I'm sorry. And then the anger melts away and he goes, it's okay. I mean, that sounds nice. Is that what he might secretly be hoping for? Is all this just

I just want an apology? He might just want an apology. Maybe write an email or call the guy before the party then and see if you can get it Hey mate you going to this fucking party?

You are? Oh fuck off Anything you want to say? No? Oh watch out Gonna get ya This guy's also been through so much since he fucked

your girlfriend That's probably just not really on his mind Oh yeah Like he fucked your girlfriend but That's probably just not really on his mind. Oh, yeah. That's true. Right? Like, he fucked your girlfriend, but then he went to jail. So, like, you win already. Your life is better. There's a scenario you get to the party, and, you know, he's tough looking.

You're like, oh, man, he's just gotten more intimidating. Or there's a scenario where he has that thousand-yard stare of just being like, I went there to jail. I didn't like it. Right. He wants to go back to jail so little that you can really get in his face, and he won't do anything. Yeah.

Because that's like... He's already been to prison, so he's afraid of going back. Yeah. He knows what's going on. And that's when you fucking turn him around. All right, guys. All right. I was going to say pound his ass.

I know what you were going to say. I stopped you to stop. So you know I knew exactly what you were going to say. Show me how you pound his ass real quick. Yeah, get up. Take your time. Don't put your phone back in your pocket. Show everybody, Amir, how you pound his ass.

Turn around, you little prison bitch. Okay, and then what do you do? And then I pound his ass. Let people know that you're having sex with the man. By the way, this guy could be a good dude. Maybe they just need to talk it out. Do you want to sit down? Sorry about that.

How many questions do you guys do? 20? 21 questions. 25. We actually only have time for one more question. If you guys do have time for one more question. Also, I just got to say, you know, let it go. Let it go.

The girl, she was either unhappy or looking for something else and needed something else. There was this guy. It happened. You're not asking the questions why, what this happened, what did I need to do, what's going on. You just, your ego gets hurt. You say, fuck you. I hate you. need to do, what's going on. Your ego gets hurt. You say, fuck you, I hate you, you betrayed me,

it's all about me. This guy goes to jail, he's your boogeyman. You're not even asking the questions. Ask the why, and then let it go. You're an adult, you fucking prick. Let it go. He may not even know that she had a boyfriend. He may not even know that she had a boyfriend. He may not even know that she had a boyfriend.

Exactly. But not even to, you know, but then you can't even make her the villain because, like, life's complicated. It's a million shades of gray. You know, 50, in fact. 50 what? Shades, baby. Shades of gray.

That's cool. Ben, this last lady is a 23-year-old lady from Columbia. Columbia, Ohio. That's dangerous. Columbia, Latin America. Columbia, the country Columbia. Columbia, sure. She gives us explicit permission to do a bad

accent, so that's fine. Do you have a 23-year-old Colombian lady's name? Yeah, it's Charlip. C-H-A-R-L-E-E-P. Don't need to know how it's spelled. That's not important. Charleep. Middle name uh...

Croundled? C-R-O-W-N-D-E... Don't need to know how it's spelled. Didn't even need a middle name. Charleep Croundled? Croundled. Um... Gotcha! Hold on. It's Charope Crowned old Gotcha

Yep And the accent Should be dead on And for her accent Let's go Dead Dead on This is the last question

Thomas Holy shit Stakes are high I am a 23 year old Columbia Oh no Oh no I fucked it up

I am a 23 year old Lady from Columbia. Oh, no. Oh, no. I fucked it up. I am a 23-year-old lady from Columbia. Yes, you have fans here in Latin America, too. Nice. I live with a roommate right now who happens to be a 24-year-old dude. This is terrible. You can bail whenever you want. No.

Okay. That shows that I'm afraid of you all, and I'm not. We've been friends... We've been friends for 10 plus years now. I really love this guy, and we get along really great. We really got in a sticky situation, and we need your help. Now, as we've been friends for a while we are familiar with each other's families who also get along great they even made a family tradition to always ask us why we weren't in a relationship yet and all that

billy you lost all our money white man can't jump White man can't jump We did a lot Who was at the show? I like that movie We did a lot of white man can't jump references The problem is We love seizing the same kind of cheese Meaning he's gay

And that's fine by me But no one in his family or mine knows The problem is this Meaning, he's gay and that's fine by me. But no one in his family or mine knows. The problem is this. One day, tired of the same old why not GF interrogations, he asked me to be his pretend GF. Being a good friend, I did. The thing is, we got ourselves stuck in a lie forever kind of situation and his grandmother gave him this family engagement ring for me.

Oh no. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, Dios mio. Hey, Amir, stop. It's really offensive. That was so offensive. Thomas, please. You're about to get a second turd. Amir, I went to two years of theater school.

So he fake proposed at a family dinner last week, and I faked said yes. That's in caps, by the way. I really don't know why or how we took it so far, but now our question is, do we keep lying forever? Do we fake an elopement so we don't have to pay for a fucking wedding? Is it better to pretend we broke an engagement and deal with family drama?

We wait for fake divorce? Help! P.S. My fake husband-to-be wrote this with me because we both love the pod and we listen to it every night. Oh! In Columbia. You guys have fans in Columbia, too. I do you the honor.

It was mine entirely. That's really nice. Thank you, Thomas. And thanks to, what's her name for writing in? Charlipe? I don't remember. It was Charlipe Crandall. Gotcha. This sounds like a fun plot to a movie a little bit. A fake marriage. A fake wedding.

Fake kids. Fake family. You can't have a wedding. It was a real engagement ring. And she said, you didn't fake it. You are engaged. Is that true, by the way? I wonder.

I mean, there's not like laws, but social norms are you are engaged. It's not a lie anymore. What about a fake wedding? That's not that bad. You can't. It's too expensive. It's just so, that's too much. You have to stop before the wedding.

I had a plan of wedding, and I barely wanted to do it, and it was real. I wouldn't have the effort. I wouldn't want to do that for a fake thing. That's too much effort for a prank. It's such a big lie to tell everybody that not only did you not tell them about your sexuality, but the other thing is that we've lied to our entire family for so many steps. That's such a big bomb to drop. I don't know.

You got Hugh Grant there. He's like, what? And Emma Thompson's like, I don't know. What do we do now? When you put it like that, it sounds awesome. That's a fun day. Yeah, that's a good day. Are you casting it?

Yeah. Definitely go British. Did you say Hugh Grant and Emma Watson? Emma Thompson? Oh, okay. Right, because that would have been really, that's like kind of fucking crazy, right? Because Hugh Grant's like 60-something. Yeah.

Anyway. 58, yeah. 50? 58. 58? No way. He's even 60. He's 58 years old. He's 62. Here it comes. 50? 58. 58? No way. He's even 60. He's 58 years old.

He's 62. Here it comes. Ready? Hey, Siri. How old is Siri? I got it. He's going to be 58. He has to be.

Stop talking. He has to be 58. Don't even fucking double check. If he's 58, you can pound me in the ass. Oh, my God. May I? Ask Siri, let's hear the answer Siri, how old is Hugh Grant? Hugh Grant is 58 I'm so nervous.

Just for anyone at home, Jake is facing away from Amir. Amir has a very tightly clenched fist. And you may be thinking, oh, this is a podcast, we won't see it. Don't worry, 100 people have their phones out. We told you you couldn't take any pictures or videos. You can absolutely take pictures and videos of this.

What's happening? He's going to get pounded. He deserves it. He was 58. I was too confident, and you were fucking right. He was 58. How did you know that? Everybody He was 58. I was too confident, and you were fucking right. He was 58. Or whatever happened. Everybody old is 58.

I heard the noise of your fist hitting his ass. It went inside it a little bit. Emma Thompson, 61. Take your pants off. Thomas is doing the forever dab. I'm going to let you peg me if Emma Thompson, 61.

All right, here we go. Siri, how old is Emma Thompson? Emma Thompson is 60. Now, Amir, you get pegged. Wait, what's her birthday?

Really close. That was some high-stakes celebrity age guessing. Jesus Christ. It was cool that you said 60 and then stopped. My heart fucking skipped a beat. I'll never be the same. I would have done it. I would have used the mic stand. I know.

Jesus. I swear to God. I've never been more excited for hearing 58. That was so ludicrous. Did you know that for a fact you guessed? I play a game called Who's 58?

You do? I do. We played this game before. Wait, who else is 58? Well, that's the thing. We guessed for about an hour and a half at a bachelor party and nobody got it right. Is Antonio Banderas 58? I don't... I think he came up and he's not.

Antonio Banderas is 58. Oh! Antonio Banderas is 58. Let's go, boys! Let's go, boys! I hate this game. Let's go, Ben! One time! Let's hear it! Why does Jake get pounded when you got it right? Why would I ever play this game again? I can't believe we're two for two. I feel alive.

This is why we fight, man. This is why we're over there. This is why we're over there. Christ almighty. So we can play guessing people's 58 age and then punch our friends in the asshole. That was a good hit.

It was a direct. I don't pull punches. The fact that Siri says it out loud was such a cool thing. Jake, do you want to guess? Or are you just like, you're our prize? Jake's a pi thing. Jake, do you want to guess? Or are you just like, you're our prize? Ben, do you want to guess?

Jake's a piñata to us. I do like games. Three for three. If it goes three for three... I'll stage dive. If it's three for three, I'll stage dive. All right. They don't want it.

And they're far away, and I will hurt myself. You'll definitely hurt yourself. I don't think it's a good idea. I'm so certain it won't happen. I'm so certain. It's such a hard, specific number. I know, it's very hard. I'm trying to think.

Don't say, nobody say anything. I want to try to see if I can. I don't want to do the pounding. I don't want to hurt anybody. Right, Amir will jump off the stage. That's going to hurt way more people. I see like 10 people in the front row

that do not want to catch a mirror. Oh, they're actually they're down. Oh, well, no, you're sort of going like this. That's universal.

I'm not going to do it. I don't have one off the top of my head. It's hard. Think of who was born the same day as Hugh Grant. That's how I did it. Yeah, yeah.

That's a good tip. Just think like who else was born on the same day? Banderas is a great poll, by the way. I don't know how you did that. What about Ernie Hudson? Who?

Ernie Hudson from Ghostbusters? Give it a try. I think he's a little older, but go for it. Maybe he is. I don't think it's going to work. You don't have to go Siri. How old is Ernie Hudson? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not a good Siri. How old is Ernie Hudson? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not a good start. How old is Ernie Hudson? Ernie Hudson is 73. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Kill yourself. Jake, you have one? Wait.

How old is John Stockton? Oh, that sucked. 70. John Stockton is 57 years old. What was that? John Stockton? John Stockton. 57 years old. What was that, John Stockton? John Stockton. Great guess. What about...

No, no. He's too... Who? George Clooney. How old is George Clooney? George Clooney is 58. Ah! Punch Jake!

Punch Jake! Punch Jake! Punch Jake! Punch Jake! Punch Jake! Punch Jake! Punch Jake! Punch Jake! Oh! Unbelievable. Let's go, boys!

That is our editorial assistant that punched my ass. Jake, do you have one? How is that fair? Here is Bob's. Charlie Sheen. This fucking guy. How old is is that fair? Charlie Sheen. This fucking guy. Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is 53.

We had a Pierce Brosnan guest from Raleigh. I think that's closer. How old is Pierce Brosnan? Pierce Brosnan is 66. That's ancient for Pierce. He's doing great. Looking good.

This could be the entire podcast, but I don't know. I know. I'm having so much fun, I don't know when to cut it off. We're previewing the next HeadGum podcast. Yeah. Who's 58? Who's 58? Where did we go from there? So, Daniel Day-Lewis.

We absolutely peaked. We peaked. Daniel Day-Lewis, you want to say him? Yeah. I'll throw Dan down. DDL. He's probably a little bit young. No, well he was last in the Mohicans, which was a while ago. Daniel Day-Lewis is 62.

Ah, fuck. The misses? The misses are obvious and they hurt. Eddie Murphy is 58. Do you want to punch my ass? Meet me after the show The meet and greet is just a series of people Punching Jake in the rectum

People are on Wikipedia Yeah, fucking, I don't know Joe Madden, manager of the race Anyway Oh, all taint Don't go through with a marriage Manager of the race. Anyway. Oh, all taint. Don't go through with a marriage. Is that safe to say?

Don't get the wedding. Of course don't have the wedding. Her question was, should we live a lie forever? Typically, not a good idea. No, you should just tell everything. Say the truth. But not everybody... Oh, if he wants to. If this gentleman wants to. I mean, look, I'm all for honesty, but I get the predicament that some people...

If he doesn't want to, then, you know, it's... It's up to him. He can think about it. Yes, up to him. But if he's like, uh, you know, I want to, but I don't want to, whatever, you should say. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Say it's not going to work out, and they say, why? And they say, because I'm fucking gay. How old is Simon Cowell? Oh, good question.

How old is Simon Cowell? Simon Cowell is 59. Oh! You fucking loser! We got to get one more. It's such a great feeling. Randy Jackson. Randy Jackson.

Randy Jackson is 62. We got a Julia Louis-Dreyfus from back there. How old is Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Julia Louis-Dreyfus is 58. Oh! Punch his ass! Punch his ass! Punch his ass!

Punch his ass! Punch his ass! Punch his ass! Punch his ass! Oh! That was a great show. Thank you. Did you guys have fun? Thank you, Chicago. Thank you, Thomas, and thank you, Ben. Riley and Jeff. Thank you, George Clooney, Antonio Banderas, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Eddie Murphy.

We'll keep the golden mic. Good night, Chicago. Good night, Chicago.