Segments - 388: Drake's Wallet

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

In this episode we discuss pre-marital problems, MMF threesomes, and porn blogs.For more "If I Were You" check out our bonus Thursday video episodes on our Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. Aye. Ha, ha.

Bang like Jake's mom. Bang like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aye. Bang like Jake's mom's cookies. These two golden eyes. Snooki. Jokes at the ass in his coochie.

Don't know the rules. You a rookie. Ask advice, man. You never need to ask him twice. They'll get it right like rice. They'll get it in like Mike. They don't want to fight. These two Jews are nice. Don't need a first class flight

Jay got the golden mic, Amir got the golden life They got the golden sight I was born in text, problems with my sex Get it off my chest, see what you suggest You were always right, usually a guess All I really wanna hear is the Game Boy I don't really need a mirror, I need a Game Boy All a cuck needs is a Game Boy

I got problems with my ex Busted on her flute Comin' on her instruments That's what I do I got weird-ass problems These two Drews are gonna solve it I'm a coy boy, I better knock it Season that cheese like I'm Wallace Gromit, yeah

If I were you, what would I do? If I were her, what would I do? If I were her, if I were her Wow. That's right. Savage. That was made by former intern, HeadGum intern, Jake. Really? Yeah, who's part of a rap crew.

Ryman Zyman, they say. Yeah, who's part of a rap crew. Ryman Zyman, they say. Yeah, or Reem and Zeman, depending on how you pronounce it. It's definitely Zyman, because it rhymes with... Ryman. Yeah, yeah. If you don't mind shouting us out, they have a new album coming out June 19th, which has just happened. And you can find it on Spotify or Apple Music under J.Crew, but crew is spelled C-R-U. C-R-U. C-R-U.

Yeah. J. Crew. They're also on Instagram as J. Crew Raps. Nice. I feel like we could go on tour with him, right? Well, that was a Cardi B parody of Cardi B's Money. Yeah. But he does have original songs.

But was he using us in the background as the woos and stuff? It sounded like, I couldn't tell if it was our voices. So you want to be like the guy on stage next to the rapper that goes, what, what, woo, woo, woo. I'll be the woo. Yeah. I could also do the fart noises at the end of that one. Like, yeah. Imagine being that guy for Eminem.

The guys? And just keep on farting instead. How does the crew work? Like Drake's on stage partying and then like a couple of his mans are there. Right. So like,ke's on stage partying and then like a couple of his mans are there right so like are they on the payroll do they get paid every two weeks or is it like hey drake can i get 25 grand and he's like yeah don't worry about it talk to that other guy that handles my money i feel like they're basically i would imagine they're on payroll so he has like an llc or a c corp yeah i mean he has like money managers or something.

It's like, this guy's in the family now. Yeah. So like, take care of him. So put him on, does he get benefits? I don't think he gets dental. Yeah, but he gets probably vision and health. I don't feel, I feel like he gets like in-network PPO type shit. That's cool.

So Drake's like, yo, yo, don't forget to like choose your plan. Don't forget to choose your plan today. He's like, you can't see a specialist. Yeah. That's that, that's that PPO shit.

That's cool. Right. You want to chip with the dip. So don't bring no plain chips. What is that about? That's about winning a championship somehow. That he wants the chips

with the dip. So winning a championship is called the chip. But when he says he wants the chips with the dip, that doesn't mean anything. Right. So he's like, I want a championship with the dip. Don't bring me a plain championship. I see.

Don't forget the dip. So he's the dip. I feel like he's the dip. Yeah. So he's like, the chip was good. We're going to party the chip. But it's special because I brought it to Canada is how Drake views it. Yeah. And come to think of it, they don't need health care

because it's universal health care in Canada. Oh, that's true. So they're on the payroll, and then the government pays for it through taxes. That's great. But what does the man have to do if you're part of a posse? Drake, where do you think he keeps his cash? Because he also has a residence in California. Yeah, I would think he supports the arena.

So it's Scotiabank Arena. So he keeps the majority of his cash in Scotiabank. And then he has some of it peppered around mutual funds. And he has a portfolio where he's making money on his money. Does he ever use a debit? I guess he has a debit card. He has to have a debit card. Yeah.

Does Drake have a wallet? Yeah, he has a wallet. Or does he just have a credit card? Or does he have a guy? He's got to have a debit card yeah does drake have a wallet yeah he has a wallet or does he just have like a credit card or does he be a guy yeah he's gotta have a guy yo you're my wallet now you get dental so you're my wallet that's good that's a good drake impression you think so you think you're my wallet yeah i hate it but it's pretty good yo so so my man over here is my wallet yeah all you can say is wallet yeah Yeah, all you can say is wallet. Yeah, that's all I can say is wallet.

Yeah, I feel like any other word would trip you up if it didn't end on wallet. So do you know my man over here, he plays my wallet. Yo, put the cash in your mouth, wallet. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's good. So yeah, I would be Drake's wallet. Would you be Drake's wallet for basically exactly whatever you're earning annually now?

But you don't really have to hustle anymore. No, like, nudging agents. No, like, meeting with podcasts. No working on scripts. No taking sponsored ad deals. No hosting shows. All I do is walk around Drake. You're always with Drake.

So you're eating lavish meals meals You're going on cool vacations You have a lot of like Really interesting experiences But you have no creative outlet You are Drake's wallet It's a better job Than some other guys One other guy is Drake's toilet

The other guy is You're my toilet And you're my loofah And you're my loofah Yeah And you're my wallet Right So you're like

That's pretty good. But I'm also a comedian and a writer. No, no. And I started a podcast company. Forget that, fam. You're my wallet now. Why don't you eat this loonie, eat this toonie? Would you do that?

Yeah. Yeah. That hurts. That sucks for me to hear. I get to fly on the OVO jet, right? You would get to fly on the OVO jet. But we would, our partnership would dissolve. HeadGum would be me and Marty.

And my life would be me and party. Yeah, well, it wouldn't, yeah, you would be partying. But you're not like... He would shove fucking dollar coins up my ass and I would keep it there. I really know you. I just meant you would hold his cash. Oh. Sorry, so I'm not like a human piggy bank for

Aubrey. No, he's not putting coins in your ass. Yeah, so he'd be like, which slot do you pick? I want you to pick the slot and I'll put it in my wallet. You saved it with wallet. I want my chips with a dip. I would

be Jake's, Drake's fucking condom for a dollar a year wow so he keeps me in his wallet

I'm literally inside of the other guy that he's chosen oh I see and then when he's ready to have sex I'm the condom yeah

it's probably a whole lot I have to be the guy the go between so he you know wears me and I am his well that's kind of cool

because you would be having sex more. Yeah, and I bet I can have like lobster whenever I want. Right. But it must be easy to take advantage of Drake

because the guy who's his wallet can always steal. Like, did I give you a million or two million yesterday? I feel like there's been too many cautionary tales

of that stuff happening, though. So Drake's in charge of his money? I don't think, I think he has too much money that he like watches it. But I feel like he's got like a team, like he has a firm of like 12 people looking after his money.

Oh, so that way one person can't steal it. Right. And those people aren't like. A whole firm that have to deal together. Yeah. And they're not, he's not paying them. He's just like paying them a commission on what they earn and what they manage and what they bring back on the return is what I would imagine.

God, it must be hard to be like, and he's not even like as rich as Jay-Z who's a billionaire. Like who's handling that cash? Yeah. I mean, many, many people.

Yeah. That's cool. Actually, Drake started out as Jay-Z's toilet. Really? Yeah. That's how he like broke into the business. Oh yeah.

That's interesting. Eminem was Dr. Dre's plunger. No shit. Yeah, for I think a year. And Dr. Dre would just like fill the toilet. Yeah, shove his head into the bottom of the toilet. He would give him a swirly to unclog the lock. Toilet, yeah.

Wow. But then in between he'd be like, my name is, my name is. That's how the cadence of that beep started. In between. Dre would plunge the toilet so rhythmically that it was hard not to just kind of like spit bars to it. I think this is what the Defiant Ones was about. Did you ever see that documentary? I did.

It was great. Yeah. Great doc. Do you like diarrhea? Yeah, the first pass of that is like, it's all about Dre's gut health. All right. What is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by me, Amir.

And me, I'm Jake. We're back from Chicago. Chi-town, baby. If you want to see how much fun we had, listen to the, Amir. And me, I'm Jake. We're back from Chicago. ChiTown, baby. If you want to see how much fun we had, listen to the last episode. It's me, it's Jake, it's Ben, it's Thomas. They came out as us. What a world. Did five good minutes at the top.

Great. It's a great show. Great show, great weekend. Thanks to everyone who's coming out, not only to our show, but to HeadGum Live in general. Yeah, thanks to the kids who stayed and partied. Came all weekend. It was so dope. I want to do it again. was your weekend food wise did you eat healthy did you eat poorly did it hurt your stomach i slid into shittiness but i felt like it was the correct pacing the first day i ate healthy oh that's good and And the second day, I... Ate wealthy. I worked...

So I went on a run first day, right? So before anything happens. Yeah, I'm like, I think this weekend's going to be garbage. So I had a healthy breakfast before I left. I got there. Like, I don't have to be at the venue for another two hours. I went on a nice long run up the lake, down the river, came back, had a salmon salad this is like it's funny to hear you describe this knowing that you'd be puking in 14 hours yeah

yeah running around you're having a salmon salad things are good I obviously I have I do the nad pod show yeah I get a little buzzed after the show we get some drinks with people who came out I get a little drunk I. After the show, we get some drinks with people who came out. I get a little drunk. I wake up. I'm not feeling 100%. I'm like, okay, I gotta take it easy today. But my brother calls me. He's in the gym.

At 8am. And he was drunker than you. It was 10am. Yeah, he was drunker than me. And I was like, I don't know if I want to do anything today. I just want to veg out till my show. But he calls. He's in the gym. I'm like, damn.

Is that a Micah thing or like a 25-year-old thing where like, yeah, I can get really, really drunk and then also work out at 10 in the morning? I think it must be a 25-year-old. Like Micah did not. He was in bad shape. He didn't want to work out. He was like, I came to the gym to check it out, but it's pretty great. I think I might work out. I don't know if I can. I get can i get there he's like okay i don't feel like working out either let's just do like vanity muscles easy easy workout yeah uh but we like went on a run on the treadmill

just like all of a sudden we start really hard to do when you're hungover yeah but then we start sweating a little bit and we feel awful and we're like but we do a hard workout and then it's like should we do abs i'm like no let's skip it we're gonna skip it and he's like and we're like, but we do a hard workout and then it's like, should we do abs? I'm like, no, let's skip it. We're going to skip it. And he's like, yeah, we should skip it. He tricked you

and he said just vanity muscles and then he did core and then a sprint. It was a full body. And then at the end, he's like, we're like, it's like,

I like have a pretty good sweat. I feel like if we get like really, get drenched, we'll feel a lot better. He's slowly baiting you into a CrossFit class. We ended with like, you know, like the ropes. We's slowly baiting you into a CrossFit class. We ended with the ropes. We were swinging the ropes.

High intensity. Yeah, the kind of... I was lying on the floor in a puddle of sweat. The kind that makes you nauseous even if you weren't hungover. Even if I wasn't hungover. And you were already dehydrated. I went to my room and I was burping the whole entire way. I got to my room. I puked in

the bathroom. But after that, then I took a shower and I felt amazing. So it's like you did the puking when you were too drunk, but a day later. Yeah, exactly. And it was after a workout and then I had a nice healthy lunch. Repeat the process. Salmon salad. That night was where it all went to shit because then I got deep dish. Then I got got drunk next day we got we got a nice big brunch with the whole team and plus the dough boys there was no working out that day no and then that next day i also had deep dish and then at like 7 p.m i was like i'm gonna get trashed tonight i didn't like realize i didn't have a show i'd had on a sunday on a sunday

i was like i had one beer and i was like i'm gonna take it easy but i had one beer and i was like i don't have i have no show'm going to celebrate the weekend. I'm going to get sauced. Did you get sauced on Sunday? Stayed out till 2 a.m. Wow, on a Sunday. On a Sunday. Was Chicago popping off on a Sunday?

No, but we had like a really fun like team drink with some folks from Megan Batoon's show. Yeah, they were drunk. The squad. Yeah. The young guns from Headcum. Marty didn't stay out. No, I was falling asleep like at midnight i was i was exhausted from the weekend right did you go home right after the

final show uh shortly thereafter yeah you did not get another drink with anybody no god no what did you because i had an 8 a.m flight oh like i gotta wake up at 6 30 but jeffrey had an he was on your flight and he did a fucking power hour at like 9 p.m yeah i don't get that i don't understand that but i guess maybe it's an age thing maybe it's a cool guy thing but i'm like i don't want to feel bad at six in the morning right and he was it's not like it was a party festival it was just like a intimate green room power 20 yeah but it was like kind of fun because it's it's camaraderie it's bonding yeah did you get sauced on saturday saturday more so than sunday yeah but i wasn't like completely out of control what was like the what was the hardest you went It's camaraderie. It's bonding. Did you get sauced on Saturday? Saturday more so than Sunday, yeah.

But I wasn't like completely out of control. What was the hardest you went? Friday or Saturday? Saturday during our show. Right, because you were drinking during the show. Yeah. Drank after the show. Yeah.

Went to the bar. That's right. What did you do late night Saturday? I probably stayed at the first bar until like 1 or 2 and then went home. No food? No food. Because I had eaten Al's beef the previous day

and I was still feeling kind of sick to myself. You had that drunk food when you were dead sober. 1 p.m. 4 p.m. 4 p.m. You land in Chicago.

You go straight to Al's beef. That's right. With the Doughboys. Yeah, you can hear about that on their podcast, which is also out. I don't know how many of the HeadGum Live podcasts are out, but I think Gabrus' is out. Yeah, the Power Hour is out.

Doughboys is out. Is Nicole's show out? Yeah, maybe that comes out. I think I did see it out. The NADD pod show is out. Listen to them all. We had such a good time. That'll convince you to come to wherever we host the next HeadGum Live Fest.

Ooh, shortlist includes. Should we name the cities we're considering? Like an Olympic committee? That's fun. And you can lobby. Right, lobby. And if you don't hear your city, you should lobby too.

That's right. So the shortlist was Toronto. I believe there was Toronto, Atlanta. Yeah. I'll throw in the Bay Area to that. San Francisco, Oakland area. There was somebody mentioned Miami.

Boston. Miami and Boston. Miami and Boston. Big cities. Yeah. And then I threw out London. I think we should do it in London. It's a big undertaking. I don't know how many people we ended up bringing to Chicago, if you include podcasters podcasters i mean we didn't buy their flights specifically but yeah that's that's going to be a pricey one maybe we'll save that for the

year after next the london one chicago toronto london seems like a natural evolution we're getting further and further away i like that i mean I mean, Toronto in the summer, it would have been amazing if it was in Toronto. During the parade. Yeah. Either that or nobody would come to our show. No one would come to our show. Just during the parade, there's a giant float. So anyway, this person writes, can we close the door? They're crowd surfing. Kawhi is hosting a pod. Could you imagine a Kawhi Leonard podcast? Who's an NBA player that you would want to either host a HeadGum show or get on your podcast the most? C.J. McCollum has, for the Blazers, has a podcast that's pretty darn good. It's a basketball podcast.

So you think there's a chance that you guys could do some crossover? Yeah, a little C.J. McCollum buckets collab I think would be a great that you guys could do some crossover? Yeah. A little CJ McCollum buckets collab I think would be a great idea. He's very well spoken and funny. Kevin Love is also very funny. I'd like to talk to him. I like that. We could talk about his body transformation too. What's his body transformation? He used to be a

chubby, fatty, doughy guy with a chin strap beard and now he's like shredded to the point of like almost being too skinny. Wow. Yeah. Dude's fucking, he's hot. He's hot and he's ripped.

Yeah. Yeah. So we would talk about that. Cool. All right. Let's get to some questions and answers. After all, this is an advice show. We need a fake female name to refer to this lady as.

Okay. Let's do it. Say. Let's go with cities that there's no chance we'll do HeadGum Live in ever. Okay. Philadelphia. That's a pretty big one you want to cross off right off the top. No, you're right.

We should do like fucking cities that really don't have a fucking shot. St. Louis. That's pretty big. That's a pretty big one. It's a pretty big one, but I feel like would we ever do it? What about a city that sounds like a lady's name? Okay. Like Port St. Louis. That's pretty big. That's a pretty big one. But I feel like, would we ever do it? What about a city that sounds like a lady's name? Okay. Like Port St. Lucy. Lucy St.

Port. Yeah. Okay, sure. Lucy St. Port, right? Cheyenne. That's good. Cheyenne is good, too. I'm a day-oner, but I'll get Sprite to the question. I've been dating this guy for five years, and we moved in together a year ago, and our sex life has been has completely died like an armadillo on the side of a highway. Always good. ago, I messaged this guy who runs a porn blog I was a fan of, and things have kind of escalated

from there. What I thought would be some harmless flirting and telling him I was a fan has turned into nonstop sexting on kick and sending dirty pictures, videos, and audio recordings back and forth. Kind of escalated. We've even FaceTimed to help get each other off. Kind of. But he lives on the other side of the state and is married, so there's nothing that can actually happen between us, right? They live in Rhode Island. Should I feel guilty about this? Like, is there any more wrong, is this any more wrong than watching porn or cam girls?

My fiance has no desire to touch me anymore, and if I don't actually, and I don't actually touch another guy, does it count as cheating? Also, should I call off the wedding? I'd love to know y'all's thoughts. Thanks a bunch. Lucy. Uh, this

needs to be addressed. That's where we'll start. Call off the wedding? I don't think it has, I mean, not necessarily, but like, you guys should not get married under these circumstances. You shouldn't dread it. Right. You're not, it's not gonna, you're not gonna get married and things will get better.

If anything, it gets more complicated and expensive and hard to get a divorce. I'm not saying don't get married, but definitely don't get married without addressing the issue. I wonder if some of the weddings that we've been to in our lives, somebody was dreading it and we just didn't know. Because everyone looks happy. But imagine being lifted up on a chair, but like, oh, shit, what am I doing? This is fucking a huge mistake. Yeah. I would imagine that even people we knew that were dreading it had a good time at their wedding.

Because it's a party. Your friends are there. You get drunk. You definitely get swept up in the emotion. I was not dreading my wedding. But even the tiny bits of anxiety it had about certain parts of my like i was nervous to do my first dance it was like shit that's gonna be like i don't know i want everybody to look at me i don't have a dance yeah but then like when you're in the moment it's beautiful and fun and

nice so you're saying despite that despite beingful, you might be able to hide it. But you shouldn't. Right. I don't think, yeah, yeah, exactly. And I actually told Jill before that I was nervous about the first dance. So really be communicative. I just think that this is such a big problem. is this bad, is this dire, that it's got you having a pseudo, a cyber affair that you need to figure it out before you commit to somebody for the rest of your life.

That's it. And in terms of fucking someone on kick? I don't know. I talked about this before, but I always think it's so weird that people need to quantify it as cheating for them to believe it's wrong. Like, I don't think this is like...

Oh, so regardless of what you call it. It's not traditional cheating. Sure. You obviously shouldn't be doing it. And it could easily result in the end of your engagement and relationship. Best case scenario, congrats. It's not cheating.

However, you're dreading a marriage to someone you don't like anymore, and you're fucking someone else on the side. You did not meet the standard of cheating, but other shit's really bad. Yeah. Also, what do you think a guy who runs a porn blog I was a fan of, like this girl's watching porn, and she's like, oh, I love the way you curate it, and then the guy's like, yeah, I'm down to cyber with you one day?

Yeah. way you curate it and then the guy's like yeah i'm down to cyber with you one day uh yeah i think i feel like going from i'm a fan of the porn that you curate to now we're like sexting is five messages yeah what is a porn blog do you are you familiar with porn blogs versus porn sites is it all the same thing i don't i don't think i don't follow any porn blogs. I know that's what Tumblr used to be at some point. Yeah, it was like just really hot porn gifs and stuff. Instead of a directory, it's like, check out the stuff I've found. Right. Just like any blog.

Yeah. I don't want to search the internet for hot porn, but this person does a good job. It's like following somebody's playlist on Spotify for good work. Some sort of porn DJ. Yeah. And the person has their contact probably for specific shit like this.

But I think this is a common problem. Staying in a relationship for very long, sex drive dying. You find the thrill somewhere else. Yeah. And I think that's like, that could, it could also be like,

this is the, this is where it nets out. Like what if you go to your husband, that's like, that could, it could also be like, this is the, this is where it nets out. Like, what if you go to your husband, you're like, you don't have a sex drive that satisfies me enough. I want to like have cyber sex with other guys. I won't fuck anybody in person. And he's like, okay, you know, maybe it's not that easy.

But I just think that like this, this thing that you're doing is not a solution to the problem and it's not like my fiance didn't touch me so I had to do this I don't think that's fair your fiance wasn't touching you and you wouldn't talk to him about it and now you're doing this it's not like I don't think it's anybody's fault but I do not think that it's i don't think it's your fiance's fault so you're not going all the way to call off the wedding quite yet no i just think everybody needs to freaking talk to each other yeah i'm like you don't have to i i'm not even telling you to come clean because i lie all the time but i think you could at least

say that you're unsatisfied with your sex life and see what your fiance does with that. And if he changes, great. And if he doesn't, then you shouldn't get married to him. All right. Can't beat that. Let's take a break. We'll come back and we'll answer some more questions after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross.

Not in a traditional sense, but I did meet somebody at our show who gave me a Jake and Amir scroll. And I would advise you to read it. You mean this scroll that's right next to me? Yes, I quite enjoyed it. I believe she was right in the front of our meet and greet line, had a scroll for us, we took a photo, and

I read it, and it was super funny. And the handwriting is very nice too. Great. Top 10 things to say when I meet Amir and Jake by Laura Ingrown Toenail Umberto Shee. Rodrigo. Oh. Number one, have some fun. Roll a blunt.

And when we're done, let's get high and punch my mom. Oh, she didn't write any lines for me in this, right? No. Okay, cool. So I any lines for me in this, right? No. Okay, cool. So I'll try to improvise. Okay. Number two, take an Amir who? These clowns make me frown when they come to town.

Can we have someone new? So sorry, you don't want to meet us? Number three, I am Glee. You Nimrods are my idols. Thank ye. You just said you didn't like us. You wanted someone new. Number four, these guys are a bore. Right.

Remind me, what did I come to this show for? It would really please me if they came round no more. It's a waste of time when instead I could have just clocked my mom in the head and dropped dead. You said one moment ago that you were glee upon meeting us, and why do you hate your mother? Number five, I feel alive. My mom, she's cold as clams, and my heart's going bam, bam. I've killed someone in my family, and yes, I don't like yams.

That is not what you want to lead with, the yams. Number six. My gut feels like bricks. My mother has croaked and I am starting to choke. Think quick. I'll pin it on these sorry blokes. Not my fault, officer. You see, I was high. Guess you'll have to pick these

hicks to die. You killed your mother. I won't take the fall for that. Number seven, a 2011. I'll drive off. Sorry. Number seven, a 2011 Chevy.

I drove off in a proudly American car having scapegoated two for more than an innocent. What the fuck? for more than an innocent uh what the fuck two more than innocent pp list celebrities justice baby that's not justice number eight my chest carries weight so guilty right things need to be made right i stand before two jews on death row flustered embarrassed and most of all high What? Number nine, LOL. We all guffaw like a bunch of hypertensive rabbits.

The whole ordeal is borderline comical. Mr. Hurwitz and Bloom, I enjoy a nice wine. I literally become Amir's godmother and Mr. Hurwitz's godson. Things are looking fine, all things death penalty accepted. So we are getting the death penalty. Number ten, good show, dudes. fine. All things death penalty accepted. So we are getting the death penalty. Number 10. Good show, dudes. I think she went with number 10 in the end. Yeah.

Ours is usually a countdown. This one started insane and then ended up with a nice number 10. Good show, dudes. Alright. Thank you to Laura for that. Laura. That's right. I'll autograph that and sell it on fucking, I don't know, Etsy? Good on ya.

Alright, let's see. Shall we? Can we? Answer a few more questions. Will we? Won't we? Here's another one from a lady who's kind of having the opposite problem of the last one. Let's do it. the opposite problem of the last one.

Let's do it. Call her another female city's name. Florence? Yeah. Florence writes, I'm a 26-year-old female in a committed monogamous relationship of almost five years with a 30-year-old male. Before I get into dirt, I want to clarify that we are very much in a healthy relationship and love our sex life. Okay. Very different from the last lady.

Always the butt, though. However, I have recently had a few dreams of MMF threesomes and I cannot help but desire that kind of allure. The thought of having

that kind of attention being twice as intense and also DP is super hot to me. So I told my partner about the dreams and apparently it turned him on to hear me so turned on that we proceeded to have amazing sex and I thought that was the end of it until later

and that same evening while we were in the car headed out for dinner, he asked me straight up, if you were to actually get into a threesome, who would you choose to be our third? I immediately froze because honestly, I have not even tried to think about it yet as it seemed like such a elusive reality uh i turned the question back on him and with no hesitation he named two of his best guy friends neither of which i would be interested in as i know them well enough and they know that we are in a committed relationship as well two of of my best guy friends. I bow out.

I'm just videotaping the bish for an amateur porn blog. I'm a tripod for you. Assuming he wasn't serious, I chuckled and got out of the car since we conveniently arrived at our destination. And that was kind of the end of that conversation. Because the conversation ended so briefly, I am now possibly overthinking it, but at this point I have no idea what to think. Was he serious? Do I bring it up to him again with the possibility of actually working something out? Do straight guys even want to partake in a real-life MMF threesome? Or is this a slippery slope that inevitably leads to a

heartbreak? Should we just take a trip to an adult store and satisfy this itch in a different way? Help! Thanks in advance. Overly horny female in San Francisco. Oh. Home of the potential. Head come live fast. What do you think, man? It's weird that he instantly named two guy friends of his.

I wouldn't know. I would think that's a rarity. If some guy wanted to have a threesome he's like yeah or we can do it with my two close guy friends right yeah but that makes me seem that makes me think it's almost like I feel like I could

name who I would have a threesome with if somebody asked because I also know that I wouldn't do it you know yeah oh so you would just name friends but it's not an actual genuine offer. Right. If I was like, hey, who's like the guy friend of yours that you're most likely to have a threesome with? And you would like, no, but it's not like.

Anybody you would actually do it with. By the way, who is the most likely? For me? Yeah. I guess I would use my ugliest friend so that I don't feel threatened at all. Gotcha. So we should say that guy on the count of three? Yeah.

One, two, three. Marty. Marty. I guess we look pretty much alike. I'm offended either way. Yeah. Would you ever entertain the idea of an MMF threesome with your lover? I mean, if it was something that was important to her,

but I guess I'd feel at this point maybe a little hoodwinked. I would entertain an MMF threesome generally. But I know I've never really been into threesomes, either MMF or FFM with people that I was in a committed relationship with. Because it does get confusing, complicated, funky, and weird. Yeah. I guess I like threesomes that are more like spontaneous and fun where everybody's friends. But I would do like guy, guy, girl, or everybody's a stranger where you don't have to deal with

the repercussions the next two months. Yeah, I think so. But I think that she sort of mentioned it here, like go to a sex store and see if we can satisfy the urge. That's like a decent way to dip your toe in the water. You know, like if you guys do that, if you got a dildo or something and got to do it like a faux DP thing and you both really liked it

and you wanted to take the next step, then you can have the conversation again. So instead of my best friend, let's have sex with this dildo. And the dildo will be your best friend. That's cool. For a day. For a night. So you guys all go to Disneyland together. You're on Splash Mountain.

You should get liquored up a little bit. Yeah, so you have a boozy brunchy situation with you, your wife, and a dildo. Right, exactly. And then for the dildo, I think the dildo just wants a bloody, and then you put the dildo inside of a Bloody Mary. Oh, that's fun. And then it's time to split the bill.

And it's like, well, I only got a cocktail, and you guys had eggs Benedict, and you had the pancake, and then you look at the dildo, and you had, like, five bites of the pancakes. That's, like, how many I had too. Are you really not going to pay for the food? Here, I'll Venmo request you, dildo. What's your username on the app?

It's strapon underscore dildo. I don't have a photo, so it's just the shadowed figure. We have no friends in common because I just bought you dildo. Why don't you just put the whole thing on your card, Dildo? And I'll get the next one. Dildo's card was declined. Wasn't there a... Dildo dined and dashed.

I call it shimmer video that you were in where it was like... Vibrator... Vibrator boyfriend. Yeah, weren't you the human in it? I was the guy, yeah. And then the vibrator like... Yeah. Talked to you. Right, exactly. friend yeah weren't you the human in it i was the guy yeah and then the vibrator like yeah talked to you right exactly or like there was it was a girl who like whose vibrator started

getting like possessive and then like i played a one-night stand who was chased out of the apartment by a vibrator my acting career really took off since then that was the day you stubbed your toe nine times, right? You were just constantly walking into furniture. I was awful at entering the rooms. And exiting in a huff. You ended up losing your job to a vibrator. That was actually my first on-camera kiss. How was that? Scary. Awkward. Hot.

Never got better either. Really? I think I've done like maybe three or four on camera kisses and i do not i'm bad at them because it's um performing yeah it's really it's a very strange emotion for me to act because everyone else is looking judging staring wondering so yeah because i'm like nervous i'm like oh like so we'll just do a peck. I really don't want to overstep. But then that's littered throughout the course of this guy's porn blogs history as some sort of come bucket for a series of, I was a fluffer for a year. So I would get guys hard and fast.

They don't even use fluffers anymore. I know. I guess for whatever reason, my internship at you jizz ended up with me putting a fucking feather duster down my spine like some sort of fluffer stegosaurus. And then you graduated from your fluffer stegosaurus to Drake's wallet. And for a minute and a half, I was... You were Lil Wayne's comrade also.

I was Meek Mills anal bead in prison do you realize how bad that looks on a fucking resume my linkedin says founder head gum and underneath it it says meek mills anal bead yeah so And when people call Meek Mill to get a reference, it's not glowing. No, because he was sad in prison. Right. He was unhappy to be jailed that year. It wasn't a good look for you to be the anal bead. Yeah.

They had to smuggle me in in a cake next to a fucking hacksaw. They baked me into a Twinkie. And he opted to use the bead instead of a hacksaw. They baked me into a Twinkie. And he opted to use the bead instead of a hacksaw? To get out of prison, yeah. So he would rub me against the bars of his jail cell. Where were we? That's right.

I wouldn't want to fuck my lover with a best friend. So I think there is a little something weird there. Well, especially if you don't want to fuck either of his friends that he mentioned. So, like, it's not necessary to, like, bring that up again. Because then he might think that you want to fuck those friends. But maybe

put some thought into who it would be for you so you have an answer next time. Because it sounds like he's into this idea. Yeah, and can I recommend a stranger? I think there's an app about finding a third, probably. Strangers are probably better. Stranger, less danger. Best friend, things don't end.

Also, I feel like your intentions here are not like you're bored with your boyfriend and you want to spice things up and add another guy, in which case I think that's a slipperier slope. Your fantasy is specifically threesome. So. But it is convenient that both her and him like that MMF threesome. Yeah, I mean, that's great. That could lead to lots of hot sex for you guys. Congrats.

Mazel tov. You're in to be the stranger or not so much because they know you? Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't be a stranger. Yeah. I am down to be their key ring. I'll spend a year doing their key ring. What does that entail? That means you're sort of a ring that they attach.

I hold all the keys. Yeah. Yeah. So you have your apartment key, your mailbox key, maybe key to your parents' house, car key, bike lock key. There's a lot of keys to keep track of. Office key. So, yeah, I'll be the key reader.

I'll swallow a fob. So to turn on your car, you just sort of punch me in the stomach. All right. Thanks for listening. If you have your own questions, your own theme song, send them to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. First one from J. Crew. The second one is another guy who has an album in the works.

Wow. I know Jake has perfect pitch and is the golden god of song and dance, but for Amir's sake, please just record yourself saying something like, Jake and Amir are here. Some quick quips. Y'all are good at that. I'll immortalize you in my good album forever so we like throw out just like a clean yo jake and amir here this is actually part of becoming a posse oh really so if this guy takes off we could sort of become his posse all right

so like what do you let's give him some clean options okay yo jake and amir in the house amir socks what up let's do it Woo Amir's awesome Hey we're here we're both here Amir's great Jake and Amir here fuck yeah Let's get it boys Amir sucks Fuck yeah let's get it boys Amir sucks Yeah Amir's good let's get it boys Fuck Amir let's do it

Fuck I love having a good time with Amir Jake and Amir in the house Amir's the worst Peace out Amir's fine baby You were throwing me under the bus With a lot of those I was just like going off the Amir. Jake and Amir in the house. Amir's the worst. Peace out. Amir's fine, baby. You were throwing me under the bus with a lot of those. I was just like going off the cuff. I don't even know if he'll use any of that shit. Yeah, I hope he doesn't. Jake and Amir are here. Fuck yeah.

Amir rules. Fuck Amir, let's do it. That one was just fuck Amir. Let's do it. Alright. Let's get one of you clean. Because if he wants to do it, he won't be able to do it without using a negative one. just fuck Amir, let's do it. Alright. Let's get one of you clean. Because if he wants to do it, he won't be able to do it without using a negative one. Say fuck yeah, Jake and Amir are here. Alright.

Go. Fuck yeah, Jake and Amir are here. Let's go, Amir's the man. Not. He might cut it off right after I say Amir's the man. Say fuck yeah, Jake and Amir are here. You're like nitpicking this. It's like not fun for me anymore. Hell yeah.

Jake and Amir in the house. Jake in the house. What up? Jake's the man. Amir sucks. Let's get it. This one is written by Youngman, I should say. So thanks Youngman. Thanks Jake. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to everybody who came out. For more If I Were You, you can check out our Patreon. Every other Thursday, a bonus ad-free video episode of If I Were You.

Yes! And we'll be back next week. Ciao, baby. Later. So do the laundry Air out all your dirty plunges And once it's all been said and done Won't you thank me? It's so, so fun Jake and Mia

They don't know what you should do Or what the fuck is going on But boy do they know how to just Write wise and have good times My two favorite Shoes what you should do or what the fuck is going on but boy do they know how to just write why isn't that a good time my two favorite shoes that was a hate gum podcast