Segments - 389: Sexile Island

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

In this episode we discuss casual sex with a millionaire, coworker crushes, and fantasy basketball drama.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

There is something I cannot solve. I need to get some help. My boyfriend just can't get it off. Is it something with myself? I must figure this out now. And I know just what to do Send an email to Jake and Amir from If I Were You If I Were You, gotta help them all They will help me, and preserve it on M.A.T.

If I Were You, oh, they are best friends They're a brilliant table man If I Were You, oh, they are best friends. They're a brilliant table man. If I were you, gotta help them all. Advice so true. This podcast is just to juice. You help me and I'll stay tuned. If I were you, gotta help them all. Gotta help them all.

Whoa. Yeah. That was Elise. Elise? Gotta help them all Gotta help them all Whoa. Yeah. That was Elise. Elise? With a Pokemon parody cover. Gotta help them all. How many of our theme songs written by our talented fans reference the fact that we're two Jews?

I think 60% of them. That must be the longest running joke on our show because bits come and go. There was Starbucks. There was Matt Damon. There was the Game Boy. There was John Wolf. Right. And those still surface from time to time.

But the two coy Jews. Yeah. For whatever reason has withstood the test of time. Right. I guess it's because it's describing us, the host, and we've been hosting the show the whole entire time. Oh, that's cool. How would you describe us? We're two Jews. Yeah, two Jews

talking. So, unlike the other shows. Yeah, two Jews talking. I forgot to ask, in reference to last week's episode, I did that Drake impression, which you seem to really like. The one where Drake was asking one of his friends to be his wallet. But at the end of the show, you never gave out the golden mic for best podcaster that episode.

And so I was wondering if you had given that. And I see where you're going, and I hesitate to even bring it up. Right. Well, I didn't want to make a thing of it, but and I hesitate to even bring it up. Right. Well, I didn't want to make a thing of it, but obviously I won the golden mic that episode. Got it. Okay. I, of course, won the golden mic that episode. You did like the impression.

I liked the impression. You don't get the golden mic for an impression. That's not even an original joke. You just did a, you pretended, you impersonated somebody. Yeah, but in a funny way. You took on his persona. Yeah, in a funny way, I thought. Actually, it was a case of identity theft.

And for that, you got the turdy. Because that's illegal, bub. Yeah. It was a stolen identity. And I giggled throughout. But obviously, I was concerned that you were trying to steal Drake's person. No. Yeah.

What? No way. Right. So that's a 30. Do you remember what you did to get the microphone, the golden microphone trophy? You know, I think it was more of an all-around performance that episode. So it wasn't a specific joke. It wasn't a specific joke.

Sometimes the game ball just goes to the best team player, you know? Yeah. Because you don't have to hit a home run every episode. Yeah. And sometimes I just... Would you say my Drake thing was a home run, though? No, I think it was... You stole identity theft.

Yeah, I think it was identity theft. All right. Well, hey, there's always this episode. Because we never have ever's always this episode. Which you should keep in mind. We never have ever rehashed an episode. I won't dole out the turdy now. I don't even want you to think about it. Let's just start.

Well, how do you not want me to think about it? You brought it up as the first thing you talked about. Let's pretend I didn't say anything. I was just curious because you didn't bring it up. I didn't bring it up because I felt bad at this point.'t give it out last episode. At this point, because I've – how many episodes have we done? Like 390-something now? Yeah, in the late 380s, I think. Okay.

Like that's – yeah, it was 389th or whatever. We sometimes bank these. I just like – I can't even count all my golden mics at this point. Yeah. It's cool, though. I don't win every single one. Ben Schwartz took it home at the last show. That's pretty neat.

That's actually two on his mantle. That was two episodes ago. He called half of a foreskin a two-skin. Two-skin. Don't laugh, because that's exactly what I said. Classic Schwartz. All right. Well, let's see what I can do this episode.

I feel like I'll try to be a team player. You're already trending into turdy territory with the rehashing. And I won't even bring it up. Sorry for even bringing it up. It's fine. Suggestion from super producer Mars is a little table of contents to start the show. Of course, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us, Jake and Amir. These are four questions that we found.

I'm going to tell them to you right now just to keep people's interest peaked. Right. Peak our interest. We got a question about a fantasy basketball mishap. We got a question about a rude dude that left a guy nearly nude. Whoa. We got a question about casual sex with a millionaire. Oh.

And we got a question about falling for a coworker despite the fact that this person is in a relationship. Interesting. So that's what we have coming up. Now, what happens if we, like, go long on the millionaire sex question? Now we're on the hook. Yeah, now we're on the hook to answer them all. So maybe we're just like, we didn't get to the relationship coworker thing. We'll answer that first up next time.

Because that's like a cliffhanger. People come back. Oh, that's even better. I was going to say let's try to answer super quickly. Oh, that's... How about you decide the order? Which one do you want to answer first? Oh, interesting.

So I decide the table of contents. Yeah, that's the contents. But you decide the order in which it'll unfold. Right. Well, the table of contents sort of implies the order. Okay. So it's not quite a table of contents. This is just content.

So I'm really a turd. I'm giving you... All right, fine. I'll go in reverse order, which I said it then, if that'll mean that I don't get the turd. Sure. You don't get the... If you correct yourself and do reverse order right now, you will not get the turdy this

episode. I don't really care, but all right, here we go. You don't care about the... I do. All right. Just want to make sure you care i'm falling for a co-worker let's give this lady a name it could be any name at all it could be the name of a person in your life cheryl that's your oldest friend your co-worker from another era that's right she's 50 cheryl at this point she's got to be 53. Yeah, more than that for aging her appropriately. That episode was like

six, seven years old, I would think. Jesus. Cheryl's 36? Oh, wow. I mean, 56. Yeah, at least. Alright, hi Amir and Jake. I put Amir's name in first because he's hotter, funnier, smarter, and deserves the golden mic. Jake can eat a freaking seed.

I'm kidding. you're both the goat wow holy shit your face got so like i balled up when i was saying the first part of that that's you got genuinely mad that's crazy and then she said she's kidding that we're both the goat yeah and it's like i could see you psyching yourself down off that ledge. Right. I'm like steaming. Still. Yeah. I'm about to word you the fucking turd. I'm reading the email. You may have to read that part of it. You don't have to read every single word in the email. Do you always read every word of the email or just the ones that hurt me? No, I'm going to read the whole thing. I'm 22 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for five years. Over the course of these five years, I've had an odd crush or two, but it was always minor and went away within a couple weeks or days.

Well, recently, I started a new job, and one of my coworkers came up to introduce himself, and I immediately felt something. My heart started racing, and the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter. I've never felt this way about someone before, not even my current boyfriend. Of course I would never act upon these feelings while in a relationship, but I also don't want to be the type who leaves their significant other for the sole reason of pursuing something new. I honestly have no idea what to do. I literally

cannot stop thinking about him though. Every time someone mentions his name, my heart palpitates and I blush. I wish I could gush about him to my friends, but obviously that would be fucked up. He also doesn't know that I have a boyfriend and I don't want him to as to not sever my chance with him, which is dangerous territory. I feel awful about this and I need ways to deal with these feelings. What would you guys do if you were in my situation? Thanks a lot. That's very, okay. It's tough. It's scary. I don't know. I'm curious what you think. You're a level-headed, steady-as-she-goes type guy. Yeah. I mean, if it were me, and it has been me, I'd just sort of suppress the crush and deal with my relationship.

But have you ever had a crush like this with like heart palpitations no and like butterflies at the mention of someone's name no i think i'm maybe i'm a romantic but i feel like if there's definitely like you know you get like oh this person's cute like the mini crushes yeah like i feel like i i can recognize what's a mini crush and a fleeting crush and what's a, like, what's a real deal.

Yeah. What's a feeling that you should chase? If you've never even felt like that about your boyfriend and you feel like that about this guy,

like, love at first sight, is that, is that not worth pursuing? I feel like it is. Yeah, it's tough because you have to,

like, break up with your boyfriend and then see if it's worth pursuing. But in theory, if like emotions and feelings weren't involved, you should just pursue this guy, see what happens. And then after a few months, then break up with your boyfriend. But that's considered cheating. Right. So that's the move that you cannot do. The safe one is just hide your boyfriend until you're sure you can be with this guy, then go be with this guy. But that, like, is wrong, obviously. Yeah.

But I also think it's wrong to try to forget it and stay with your boyfriend and not be fully committed. I feel like you don't necessarily have these feelings, not to this degree, not with this level of intensity, unless you just straight up shouldn't be in a relationship. Oh, I see. I'm not saying that this guy is the one that needs to be the reason you break up with your boyfriend so you can be with this guy. Yeah. But I think that like the intensity of these feelings that you can have them means that the relationship you've been in for five years has run its course.

It also... And you want to know what's next. Well, two things. One, she's 22 years old. So I kind of want to just say, yeah, break up with your boyfriend. It's been five years and now its course. It also, it's next. Well, two things. One, she's 22 years old. So I kind of want to just say, yeah, break up with your boyfriend. It's been five years and now start a new one. And then two,

it's like, it's not like if she breaks up with her boyfriend and it pursues this crush, he can, he might not be interested in her. Right. So it's weird to like break up with someone and be like, all right, I'm willing to date you now.

And he's like, oh, I'm not interested. And then you're like, shit. Totally. I agree. You can never break up with somebody for a crush,

but I think that you can have a crush that makes you second guess your relationship and decide to be single. Because what you're really – what she's desiring here is like I don't want him to find out I have a boyfriend. I want him to think I'm single. The only way to accomplish that is to be single. So you're saying – If you want to be available – like all you can do is be available for this guy. But the employment equivalent is like, should I... I got a new job

interview. Should I quit my job and interview? Or would you be like, no, keep interviewing and then wait until there's a job offer? Should she stay in this relationship and see if this guy gives her a relationship offer? That's different, Amir. That's different because her boyfriend doesn't give her dental, does he? He gives her mental. That's right, a headache. I think you

should stay at a job that you don't like, even if you have a job interview, if you've got frigging dental. Of course, dental. If you're getting insurance, if you've got a paycheck, I think that's better than quitting everything to pursue your passion and then, you know, screwing yourself by going broke or not having health insurance. But what about this? Is there like a half measure where it's like, let me take it a step further to see if this guy's even interested in me? What if he has a girlfriend? Would you still break up with your boyfriend?

Is there like a non-cheating way you can continue the crush just to see, get some more information? Yeah, a break. I think, I mean, it depends how honest you feel like you're going to be with your boyfriend, but maybe you could say, like, I have feelings for somebody, I don't know what's going on, but I think we need a break

so I can see what's what. What's Gucci. But then you feel bad for your guy. But you don't have to be like, I want a break so I can fuck this guy at work and then I'll let you know. I'll see if I got it out of my system or if he's so hot I need to continue doing it.

It's all, God, so sad for a boyfriend or for anybody to just like get dumped so they can fuck somebody. And then like, it doesn't work. And then they come back and they're like, actually, I will be with you. And they're like a little sad. Like, what's wrong, babe? It's like, oh, nothing. I'm sorry. Like, no, it's like oh nothing i'm sorry like no it's okay and then you're like consoling somebody

not knowing that you're consoling them because they're sad because they couldn't fuck someone that wasn't you or another way to look at is oh they're 22 this this couple can break up she can date this guy she could date another guy and then like five or six years down the line get back together that's a very common story too. Totally. And I think that's plenty healthy. Like I now being like married, I almost like I'm happy that like I didn't stay with somebody for like all of my 20s that like both of us had other relationships and stuff. Like there's not a lot of like questions left out there.

Right. You figured out what you needed through the other relationships. stuff. Like, there's not a lot of, like, questions left out there. Right. You figured out what you needed through the other relationships. Right. So don't settle down with this first guy that you met at age 17. Break up, experience heartache, experience a new relationship or not. Right. And then if... And I'd caveat that by saying it's fine to settle down with somebody that you've been

with forever if you're happy. If he still gets, but like the idea of this, your current guy still giving you butterflies and all this stuff seems unsustainable. Right. I don't, I don't think that like somebody you've been with for five years is still going to give you butterflies, but there are other feelings that creep in that prevent you from having heart palpitations at the sight of somebody else. Yeah. That's what, that's interesting. If's interesting. If you're in a fully happy, joyful, committed, lovely relationship, can you still get butterflies from a crush?

Yeah. Is every relationship, not crush-worthy, but is every relationship, regardless of how good it is, not good enough to prevent against a crush because a crush is so exciting? Well, I think there's no such thing as love because every relationship could be broken up by Scarlett Johansson or Jake Gyllenhaal. Those two people? Yeah, sure. Just like, yeah.

Yes. That'd be a cool game show. So it's like, okay, I want to test my relationship with someone. So like, I love my girlfriend. Let's see how strong our relationship is. So in the game show, Jake Gyllenhaal hits on her at a coffee shop. They have an amazing conversation. He says, this is nuts, but can I take you out to a coffee?

Can I go on a date with you? And it sort of tests her. And if she says no, then I know she is truly the one. And Jake Gyllenhaal can marry us. And if she says, yes, I emerge from a one-way mirror and I break up with that person. And if she says no, then Jake Gyllenhaal says, good, I'm ordained and I'm going to conduct your marriage now. And then she finds out that you are a guy that went on a game show to have your relationship tested by Jake Gyllenhaal. She would probably break up with you or at least not want to

marry you. And maybe it ends with her going on a real date with Jake Gyllenhaal. She would probably break up with you or at least not want to marry you. And maybe it ends with her going on a real date with Jake Gyllenhaal. That's cool. It's a movie. It's not a game show. It's a movie idea. Trademark us. And then the male equivalent is Scarlett Johansson.

Right. Do you remember our first movie idea? All Dogs Go to Kevin? Yeah. I feel like we could talk about it because it was bad and nobody would ever make it. Yeah. I think we have talked about it on the show. Have we? We've talked about All Dogs Go to Kevin? Yeah, I feel like we could talk about it because it was bad and nobody would ever make it. Yeah, I think we have talked about it on the show. Have we? We've talked about All Dogs Go to Kevin?

Maybe so. You can give us a quick elevator pitch if you want. Our agents asked us to come up with a movie pitch so they could send us out on general meetings. And we went back with All Dogs Go to Kevin. It was a rom-com about a guy named Kevin whose job it was to kill dogs and make it look like an accident when people put their dog down but couldn't euthanize the dog. Yeah, it's like if you grew up with a dog that was annoying, you couldn't – it's the equivalent of saying, oh, he moved to a farm upstate. You want to get rid of the dog. So you hire Kevin to kill the dog. That way you're not the bad guy in front of your kids.

Yes, exactly. You didn't take the dog to the vet to put it down. Kevin came and killed the dog. It was a dog assassin. Yeah. It's like in most movies you want to save the cat moment. A moment where our hero saves a cat to make him like irredeemably a hero in the story. Right.

This is the opposite. Just a full on bad guy. Right. This guy's just a full-on bad guy. Yeah, this is a kill-the-dog moment. Well, he's... But all of these dogs were, like, they need... You know, it's a mercy sometimes to kill a dog. Yeah, like, they're sick, and the dad didn't want to pay for surgery. Well, that's...

I mean... No spoilers. You've got to pay for the surgery. And Kevin will do that sometimes. It is. And sometimes Kevin will kill the dog. I really feel like I'm going to get added to death here. So just don't do that.

Just know we didn't end up going through with the movie. But no, I have another opinion. Oh. I've been like passively interested in looking and adopting a dog. Passively interested in looking at. So you're not even fully interested in looking. No, I am looking. Passively interested in looking uh and adopting a dog passively interested in looking at so you're not even fully no i'm looking no i am looking passively interested in adopting so i'll like look on pet finder i'll send links to my wife i'll talk about maybe going to a meetup where

we adopt a dog but then i don't go oh why because i am nervous for about the actual commitment. But I feel like sometimes I see on these like pet finder things, like, this dog is really good, but it needs medicine five times a day. And it has to like walk around on these wheels thing. Like, at a certain point, are you like, why are we even, why are you even trying? These dogs should absolutely go to Kevin. They don't deserve my love. If they're in this bad shape, just keep talking. Try to get yourself out of this. You're saying sick dogs don't deserve to be adopted because nobody can love them?

Sorry, sorry. Let me rephrase that because I'm worried about coming off as wrong, but like literally a dog with a broken foot should not be a dog. I accept the tyranny. I'll take the tyranny. Oh my god! I shouldn't have said that. It should be one of those

inside thoughts that never come out, let alone into a microphone. I really shouldn't have said it. In fact, the only way to fully make up for it is to have said that. It should be one of those inside thoughts that never come out, let alone into a microphone. I really shouldn't have said it. In fact, the only way to fully make up for it is to adopt said dog. No. Can you imagine you with a cute little boy that needs medicine five times a day in a wheelchair? That's just a lot. I know, but it's cute, right?

It's really sweet. It's really good. And everyone should do it. If you need me, I'll be at a fucking puppy mill cranking out french bulldogs i'm adopting eight and starting a breeder all right next question right casual sex with a millionaire oh that's right casual sex actually this is kind of a long one so let's take a break right now we'll thank some sponsors we'll come back and we will get to three more questions guaranteed. Promise. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain

name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. jake do you have any yeah you know do you remember that uh that commercial that i directed for v8 yes why wasn't i invited to be in it?

To be in it? I wanted to be the lead instead of Ken Jeong. Well, he's more famous and more funny and talented and better. And I get that to an extent. A real professional. But could they get him, though? They did get him. They did?

Yeah. All right. And I bet they would have chosen him even if they had to pay him more and you were doing it for free. Was I considered to be an understudy? You were never considered for the role. Okay. Okay, so what about that one then? They made a bunch of hangover kits, and apparently there are still some left. And somebody texted me, and they're these cool kits kits and you can actually just get them for free.

All you have to do is go to drkenapproved.com. And it sounds like this is just a straight up advertisement, but I really think it's just a little hack. You can get these free kits. Interesting. Yeah. So I've been trying to tell everybody. drkenapproved.com. It comes with an eye mask.

It comes with a neck pillow. Oh. It's like there's kind of real shit in there. It's like stuff you get first class on a plane neck pillow. It's like, there's kind of real shit in there. It's like stuff you get first class on a plane. Yeah, exactly. And they can get it for free. And they ship it right to you, and there's a sticker of Ken Jeong on the box, and I think that's fun. That's pretty cool.

Yes. All right, cool. What's that URL again? drkennapproved.com, baby. Slash us? I don't think so. Did you just go to the URL? No, I was just hoping that I was involved in some way

oh yeah you want to if you want to start directing commercials with me I would love that no I don't want to direct commercials as much as I do want to star in them you want to be the spokesperson for everything that I do yeah but I don't want to be on the hook to be like a brand ambassador either so like I want the entirety of what the job would be

right so I want to be like oh Coca-Cola wants Amir to whatever, so they send him a check for $180,000. And then in so doing, I'm in some fucked up way a spokesman for this shit, even though it's pretty much sugar water that's rotting people's teeth.

So sorry, so you want to get the cash from Coca-Cola even though you are seemingly taking a pretty hard stance against them. Yeah, or McDonald's or whatever. Basically... Why do you want the cash from these places that you don't like? They're fine. You said Coca-Cola was sugar

water that was rotting people's teeth. I imagine you were going to say something disparaging about McDonald's. Well, it's not healthy. It's not healthy? No, it's not good for you. And you want to be a brand ambassador. You want $180,000 from them. When you say $180,000, do you think you could actually get that much?

For you? I don't think so, because you don't even have a concept of how a commercial would work. I want to be there. You can't be a brand ambassador if you are going to talk shit about them. Who came up with da-na-na-na-na, I'm loving it? I don't know. Agency executives that work for McDonald's? Got it.

I thought it was like Justin Timberlake and he was making money on the back end. The back end? He made money on the front end. You think he was getting a piece of every Big Mac they sold that year? I think he was getting a quarter for every pounder. Very good. Good enough? I already he was getting a quarter for every pounder. Very good. Good enough? I already took the dirty,

man. The golden mic's yours this episode. Oh my god. Holy shit. That's historical. Your first one. How does it feel? I honestly don't know what to say slash expect.

I mean, can I sell the thing? What did you say? I want to sell the award, the trophy for it to the highest bidder. I want to turn it into money for me to have it in a way. You can sell your goddamn charity for that. To disrespect the sacrosanct golden mike what that is it's sacrilegious bud the golden mic is now mine for the episode oh my god the turdy becomes yours you can you tried to hawk the golden mic yeah instantly too you didn't even have an acceptance speech your

acceptance speech was how can I sell the bitch? Mine was an acceptance speech spelled E-X-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E. Right, except can I sell it. Yeah. And that joke just earned you the turdy. How about we both have the turdy and nobody gets the golden mic? For my dog slander, I'll accept it. So two turdies, no mic.

We'll see what I can do by the end of the episode. All right, here we go. Casual sex with a millionaire writes, we'll accept it. So two turdies, no mic. We'll see what I can do by the end of the episode. All right, here we go. Casual sex with a millionaire writes, we'll call this guy Justin Timberlake. I've been talking to this very attractive girl and we've hit it off really well. She is currently working in a luxury retail where she meets a lot of wealthy people.

Basically, I found out the other day that she has been having casual sex with a very, very rich older man. And he recently cut things off with her because he found someone who is more age appropriate. This information left me feeling some type of way. First off, I'm a virgin, so I feel inexperienced in that regard. And second, I've probably never amount to having the type of money and power this dude had had. Basically, I feel like a huge loser, and I don't think I'm worth this girl's time.

Any advice on anything would be great. I just really needed to vent and get an outsider perspective on this. We're 21, and the big fish is 43. Big fish. That's right. Wait, so a girl he likes is having casual sex? No, she cut, she was, and then the guy cut it off with her because he found someone more age appropriate. And he's like, I'm a loser to you because you were, just got cut off by a rich man.

Does he, is he dating her or is he, what's his relationship to the girl? He's been talking to a very attractive girl and they hit it off got it so his self-esteem is just really low because this girl used to fuck a rich older guy and he's like who am i to follow him the rich older man this is it's so fucking it's so fucking silly but I think we should start a GoFundMe for this dude what? like you're saying we raise cash

so he becomes a millionaire too? if we do like a GoFundMe or a kick like what other I feel like every other cause out there is worse

so this what's the cause exactly? how would you explain it to a stranger? to make him feel like more of a big shot to make him feel like he's worth a damn

to build him up. Stand on the shoulders of giants. So he can feel tall and big and rich and powerful. So he can win the day. He's already talking to this girl and they've hit it off really well. Yeah, but they only hit it off in so much as a little wiener man can hit it off that doesn't have any cash. If his wallet's not as big as his cock. If his wallet's not as big as his cock, and his cock's not as big as his heart,

we have to fill his cock and his wallet with cash. Well, he's 21. His heart with coins. We can only wait until he's 43. So by that time, we can't change his age, but we can change his sense of self-worth. This guy, for whatever reason, thinks he's a loser, and he doesn't think he's worth this girl's time, even though this girl's giving him time.

You're trying to change his sense of self-worth. You're trying to adjust his persona. Yeah. Non grata. That's right. And I'm trying to adjust his station. Yeah. I'm taking actual steps here.

I feel like you're just working on the symptoms and you're not fixing the underlying issue because if he has cash he'll find another reason to feel like a loser how on earth would he feel like a loser if he had cash he should get a nose job exactly

so if he has cash and he's like oh everything is good except for my nose sucks. He should get a nose job. Nose job. Easy. Even if his nose is small, he can always get a bigger. Yeah. Or just different.

Just a different nose to have. With enough money, you could give yourself a fucking beak. That'll set you apart. Can a billionaire have two freaking noses? A billionaire can have as many noses as he wants. He could have fucking feathers on his ass. That's cool. He could have blades on his dick.

And he can stick one of his noses up at society and still have one left over to smell the fucking roses. You could put a rose on your ass. Why? You could put a nose on your ass. A nose on your ass. Why a rose on your ass?

Because earlier you said a feather on your ass. I said a feather on your ass and said feather on your ass and a nose on your ass so you can smell the smells of your own farts why the feather because you can do whatever you want you have a fucking billion dollars i don't know if i can answer to anybody you're i have a nose on my ass a nose on my knee i feel like you have more of an issue i have a nipple nose yeah than this guy and And a belly button nose. This guy's already coming off as a pretty low self-esteem man who thinks he's a huge loser for no apparent reason. And you're yelling at him to get a nose on his ass and a feather on his ass.

That'll fix it. No, it won't. Your only concern with this other guy that you do not know is that he has a million dollars and so many people in the world have lots of money like it just seems like uh detrimental to compare yourself to to everyone let alone ex-girl ex-men in her life not even current men yeah i mean there's i feel like once people are broken up what do you what it's even left to be jealous about? They're not together. Also, she's interested in you. You're, you don't say that she doesn't like you or respect you if she is liking and respecting you. Right. It's, and it's such a dead end road to be like, somebody you used to hook up with makes me jealous. Like that's not a thing that's happening anymore. So get over yourself. Enjoy this lady. If she's liking you, then you are worth it.

Your house is worth whatever someone's willing to pay for it. So your worth is whatever that she's willing to tell you that you're worth. To pay, to give you money. Oh, you ask her for money. Great call. For the feather in the ass. Yeah. So you're worth a damn, especially if she'll give you cash.

How about you shove a chicken up your ass? Because then you got a little beak instead of a rosebud and then some feathers on your ass, which for whatever reason Jake thinks is an important thing to have. It's called peacocking, Bloomin' Fields. It's called stick a feather in my ass and call it rice-a-roni.

How about this next question about a rude dude that left me cold and nearly nude? Let's call him Yankee Doodle Dandy. Right. I'm an 18 year old from nearly nude. Let's call him Yankee Doodle Dandy. Right. I'm an 18-year-old from the UK. Very ironic name for Yankee. He's currently on holiday in Tenerife, which I looked up is an island off the coast of Africa,

kind of like a Hawaii-type place. Cool. Last night, my three friends who I'm here with went out, and I decided to stay in because I was very tired, and I wanted to listen to the new NAD pod. Yeah, that's what's up. Oh yeah, brother. At 1 a.m., the friend who I'm rooming with, let's call him John Wolf, came back with a

girl. Pretty standard so far. What I'm actually pretty freaking cheesed about is the severance package the roach gave me. I had 10 seconds to put on some slides and retreat into the hallway. He assured me they were just stopping by for a bit and then heading out. Obviously, they were in there all night. And now Tenerife is a fairly warm place, but it gets quite chilly at night. As such, I was left shivering in the open air hallway in shorts for two hours until my

friends got back and let me sleep in the crevice in between their two beds. I told John Wolfe that he should have given me a little more time to leave and also that he should have told me that he wasn't going back out. Maybe he even should have asked my friends who were still out to give him their room key

so that he can go to bed there. He said he'd probably do it again and he did nothing wrong. That's right. My question is, how do I respond? Should I bring a girl back and lock him out before he can? He's the one who convinced me to stop sleeping around, so I also think he's fucking hypocritical or whatever, but he just got out of a long-term relationship, so I guess it makes sense. Should I leave to emphasize my point? I don't know why it hit me so hard. It's possible that I don't even have the right to be angry at him.

To be completely honest, I'd probably do option one and bring a girl back here before he could, but he's better looking, taller, and funnier than I am. We've got a lot of low self-esteem boys writing us in. This 18-year-old was sexiled and he doesn't

know how mad he should be about it. Yeah, how mad should he be about it i yeah how mad should he be would you say all's fair and love and floor that he had to sit sleep on after two hours i think the friend owes him an apology but it's also the kind of thing where like it's it's only hurting you more if you like demand one don't get it and then you like continue down this downward spiral so this friend says i did nothing wrong and I would do it again. Do you just have to say, fine, I'm mad at you then? Yeah, I think you just got to be like, okay, that means you're an asshole.

And then kind of like talk shit about it with other people. That's cool. Maybe like hope that his reputation gets around and hurts him. Living well is the best revenge, but so is taking somebody down a peg, you know? Yeah. Like they say that living well is the best revenge but so is taking somebody down a peg you know yeah like they say that living well is the best revenge but i think like making like ruining someone's reputation is actually really solid revenge too so living well is probably number two behind living poorly and then smearing the name of somebody else oh speaking of smearing so living well is the best revenge, but other than that,

you could take a shit in this guy's backpack, and that's better than living well. So taking a shit in someone's backpack is the best revenge. After that, it's living well. Living well. And I feel like if I took a shit in someone's backpack, that's me living pretty goddamn large.

Yeah, especially if you don't take credit for it. Right. You'd be like, what the hell is that? Yeah. That's really fucked up. Your backpack smells like shit, man. Oh my God, there's a log. there's a really big log in it i'm serious bro look at this and on the day you sexiled me to a fucking island called tenorife uh yeah i feel like i feel like all you

can really do here is guard against it happening again. Because he has explicitly stated that he feels no remorse. So next time he, like, comes back and he's like, hey, can you just give me the room for five minutes, like really five minutes this time? He's like, no, not going to do that. Would you, if you were the sexiled man, would you, like, knock and be like, hey, knock it off. Let me back in.

Yeah, definitely. Or would you be like, I'll bro code it off let me back in yeah or would you be like i'll bro code it up and sit here in silent cold it really i think it really depends like it depends where my alternative to sleep is in a hallway at an outdoor hallway in tenorife yeah i'm not gonna sleep outside for anybody i don't care i'll you. I'll, I'll knock on the door until somebody lets me in. But if like, if, if, uh, I had to like go down to my friend's room and sleep on a couch, which he ended up doing, but he had to wait two hours for his friends to come back. Right. Yeah. I probably, I think, I don't know. I don't think I would've got, I don't think I would've left the room in the first place. Really? That's sort of like, what do you do when you're on a bachelor trip and you're sharing rooms?

It seems like a recipe for disaster. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely changed as I've gotten older, though. I feel like there were times when we were young, this was an expectation almost. Have you ever sexiled or been sexiled? I don't, I mean, definitely not in any like memorable way i think there there were times when i that where we tried to sexile someone and it didn't work and then you had to get your own hotel room or something yeah you spent 240 dollars like

either failing to hook up or actually hooking right or having sex in a hallway somewhere like where this guy had to sleep is where I've probably gone to have sex. The reverse sex aisle. But yeah, I remember like, did you have like, your like freshman year of college, I remember all of my friends were on one floor

and were like, oh, all right, so like if there's a rubber band or if there's a sock or a tie or whatever on the door, that means like I'm getting laid. You got to wait. And then for an entire year, no one ever had anything on their door. There were no ties to be had that year. No. But you've had like, have you ever had like sex in the room and like just assume the roommate was sleeping?

That seems to be more prevalent than this full-on sex aisle. Yeah, I've done that. Yeah. Have you? Yeah, I think that's happened to me before. Awesome. Thanks, man. Huge.

Have you ever been that guy that's like, I can hear you. I can hear sex now. That's the thing, though. I would rather sleep in a room where two people were having sex than have to go outside and wait in the hallway while they had sex i can fall i can sleep through that there needs to be a system in place basically yeah i think if you're in the room you should not have to be roused and have to leave like if the room is occupied you should you you can't

kick someone out but i think if like that dude went home first and had somebody over, you're allowed to maybe be like, hey, don't come back in right away. Sex doesn't take that long. Nice. I know when I do it, it doesn't. But yeah, having him sex out for an entire night when he had nowhere else to sleep.

They probably just passed out. He's like, shit, for three hours. That's why he should have knocked. All right. We are running out of time. Let's get to this fantasy basketball question real quick because it's kind of a funny question but no real answer. Canadian dude, we'll call him Wayne Gretzky, ended up auto-drafting his fantasy basketball

team and he ended up winning the league. I did feel sheepish about this because my team was auto-drafting his fantasy basketball team, and he ended up winning the league. I did feel sheepish about this because my team was auto-drafted. I made sure to keep quiet and not say much and enjoy the win to myself. But after the win, the guy who I beat in the finals made a couple comments regarding how my win was unfair because of the auto-draft and how I should be penalized for the win. I was understanding, but it's been months after my victory, and he still brings it up every time there's a conversation about the upcoming year. My question is, how should I handle this?

Should I keep quiet? Should I be more vocal? Was the auto-draft win unfair? Most of the guys support me and are on my side, but there are two guys that give me grief about the win. Thanks about reading the question as I patiently wait for your advice. So for those of you who don't know, if you're not there to draft your team during a fantasy draft, the program will just give you the best

available player, and it's usually considered a hard or bad thing, but if every team is so bad, the computer actually beats your friends, which is embarrassing for them. Right. I think that you should just give it right back to these guys. You made all of your choices, and you couldn't beat me. Yeah, you're a human and you lost to a Yahoo auto draft function.

Also, like, fantasy basketball, you have to set your lineups every day. You have to, like, it's an active thing. It's more than just the draft. Yeah. I bet you had players that got injured. You had to, like, pick people up off the wire. Maybe you made a trade or something. He does. In the first paragraph he says he made a trade uh getting rid of curry and getting kawaii so that also helped him yeah what he thought yeah tell all your friends to fucking

suck suck it dude that's cool yeah hey suck it friends that's cool yeah hey suck it actually just play this for them hey friends suck it you're the way you're gesturing to your crotch is like your hand is really small i'm doing the suck it but i can only use my one left small hand your hand is tiny and my my wrist is your stump your your supine on the couch your stomach is is out suck your motioning towards the left part of your belly not even your balls above it

yeah just over your navel to be sucking it I don't think you know what suck it is suck it dude unstick your fingers they're so tightly wound

alright thanks for listening thanks for writing in if you have your own questions your own theme songs it's all if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Elise. This closing one is written by a theme. It's a theme song based on a true story.

Shout out to Sammy on the piano. I have nothing to plug, but we recently started a band and would like feedback on our name. Barely legal. What do you think about that for a band name? Not great. Too pornographic. Yeah, hard to find. Hard to find for a name of a band.

Searching Barely Legal is not going to yield results related to your band. And then it says PSR Band also does porn, so maybe a little two-for-one action. Cool. That works then. Thanks, Cole. Thanks, Elise. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week.

Ciao. Peace. Till my girlfriend cheated on me Now in the morning I sleep alone On the helix we used to own She stole my MeUndies And ate all of Jake's mom's cookies And even mine too, she Which is right where she fit me Seems like I'm out of luck I'll kill myself in a Starbucks So now I need some advice And for James

Goldenberg Tell me what would You do If only I knew Hey That was a HeadGum Podcast