Segments - 39: Facebook Official (with Streeter Seidell)

Episode Date: November 21, 2013

In this episode we discuss masturbation, pornography, and Amir's driving skills. Or lack thereof. This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for two free weeks of movies and televisions shows. That is, if you like TV and movies... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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this episode. We recorded it today the day before we released it in a hotel room in Madison with our friend Streeter. It's pretty crazy. And things got real. Things actually ended up getting real. In this one. They really did.

So thank you guys for listening. Enjoy this episode. If I were you If I were you I'd email my problems To see what to do If I were you. Oh, I wouldn't be here. Cause it's shaking in here.

And if I were you. Lovely. Jazzy. Jazzy? Or classy. Yeah, I don't know. Or sassy. Jazzy. Jazzy? Or classy. Yeah, I don't know. Sassy. Soothing.

Soothing was the correct answer. Words. Words. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast show on the internet, hosted in a hotel room in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we're here with...

Streeter. Seidel. Thanks for the assist. We are on the road, as they say, doing a ton of shows. At this point, we've done six of eight shows. One more tonight in Madison, Wisconsin, and then one more in Minnesota, and then we can finally sleep in the same bed for two nights in a row. I think we can finally quit. quit we can retire yeah what i'm going to die at the end of this you're you're raging too hard would you say who's that's the um the like the tall tale about the guy that uh raced against the locomotive machine to like you know make the tracks i have no like oh my god sorry jake uh yeah jake had uh some mushrooms

what was the tall tale About me fucking Fucking going head to head With Jimi Hendrix Jake also had diarrhea Right now He's vomiting He's very sick

And high on mushrooms He was born with a hammer In his hand Can I Do I need I say more Really Nobody knows This isn't

If it's not Paul Bunyan Or Johnny Appleseed I don't know it Oh my god Okay Now I just want to point out And I know this isn't my podcast It is today If it's not Paul Bunyan or Johnny Appleseed, I don't know it. Oh, my God. Okay, now I just want to point out, and I know this isn't my podcast. It is today. It's his podcast, but Jake is violating the airplane mode rule on his phone. I'm finding I can't not know this.

I just can't deal with all the emails and tweets that I'm going to get telling me who it is. Are you talking about Donnie Railroad tie? No, no. Oh, yeah, the guy with the hammer. Yeah, the hammer guy. He raced against the railroad against the real yeah yeah and then at the end he became uh that's what nails are and yeah yeah he became a nail and before that everyone was like what was the golden spike i'm so desperate to find this out i just googled borm sitha hammer john henry you guys never heard the tall tale of John Henry Isn't John Henry somebody in American history

Streeter No you're thinking of John Brown So the tale of John Henry He was the best Railroad track builder William Henry is who I'm thinking of Excuse me and Clay Henry was the fireman And a subway fan

Okay anyway So he was born with a silver hammer in his hand. He was the best at building railroads. And then eventually the machines were going to take over and take all the jobs away from the guys who worked all day and night building the railroads. The machines are what they call Chinese people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Chinese immigrant. So he races against.

They damn machines. He races against the machine and he wins. But his heart bursts at the end. So he ultimately, even though he beats the machine, he dies and the machines. So I guess the machine won. So wait, so how is that you? Because you're partying too hard? How dare you compare yourself to an American hero?

Because I'm working really hard. I'm out there every night doing shows. Racing against the comedy machine. And then you're getting hammered. Oh, there we night doing shows. Yeah. And then racing against the comedy machine. And then you're getting hammered. Yeah. There we go. That's funny. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I'm comparing myself to him because I'm going to die at the end of the tour. I'm trying to take every other night off, but you don't have an off mode. Yeah. You're trying to take every other. You were out last night. Yeah. But I like.

And you were. And you were. And you were out in. You were out in Ann Arbor the night before. But in Boston I was not. I try to tell you that the way to make sure that you have a good night is to never go to the second bar. And yes, last night I was at the fourth bar. You went to the second bar three times.

That's when you make all the bad decisions at the second bar. I went to the second bar, then I went to the third bar, then I went out to the fourth bar to check out the fourth bar, returned to the third bar and told everyone the fourth bar was dope. And then I went back to the fourth bar, then I went to the third bar, then I went out to the fourth bar to check out the fourth bar, returned to the third bar and told everyone the fourth bar was dope, and then I went back to the fourth bar and no one followed me. At that point, I think it was the fifth bar because I don't even remember it. And then I was behind bars. You should have just gone and had a midnight cheeseburger in your hotel room like a non-sad person the way I did. Nothing like a midnight cheeseburger, which is the name of your new restaurant, which is opening up in Madison, Wisconsin.

Madison, Wisconsin. On the corner of State and Main. Fall 2023. We didn't even get to say that that opening theme song was written by Audrey Scott of the band Sick C. Sick C. She's like, if it's a little rough, I can re-record it. But little does she know, we just used it anyway.

And it's great. Yeah. It wasn't rough. It was awesome. I found it haunting. Haunting. You're going to hear that late at night while eating your cheeseburger. I would love that song.

My midnight cheeseburger. If I were you. I want that play me. What's that song? I'm hungry. Hey, anyone else hear that song? We just came from eating at a cafeteria. And playing our mouths tired.

Which I really enjoyed. You did not even like it, did you? Well, to be – this is what happened. I ate an egg salad and – I ate an egg salad sandwich and a bag of sour cream and cheddar potato chips and washed it down with a lemon lime Gatorade. And that was from a 7-Eleven. Yeah. So by the time we got to the cafeteria, I was... You weren't feeling the fried cheese crust.

I had the cold sweats. I was ill, tired, and dead. I had been out until 3 a.m. in Chicago. So yeah, I did not feel like having the chicken patty sandwich that I got when we got to the cafeteria. But it was humorously cheap. Everything's like $1.35. I miss dorm cafeteria food.

I was pounding back those cheese curds. Those cheese curds were dark. I mean, it was like I had finally found my people. Yeah. You look like you belong here. Yeah, where people don't look at you weird for just eating straight cheese. When I do that at home, everyone looks at me like, what are you doing, you monster? And I do that here, and they're like, it's good, yeah? Oh, yeah. I'm that at home, everyone looks at me like, what are you doing, you monster?

And I do that here, and they're like, it's good, yeah? Oh, yeah. I'm like, yeah, definitely good. Yeah, sure. You think those cheese curds are good? You gotta go try them down at Cheesy Hut. Actually, our mayor is actually a block of cheese. We elected a 40-pound wheel.

A wheel of cheddar. Oh, yeah, it was a landslide, too. The incumbent didn't even stand a chance. Oh, you wheel of cheddar. Yeah. Oh yeah. It was a landslide too. The incumbent didn't even stand a chance. Oh you could eat the mayor here. Yeah. He's just cheese then.

Yeah. You go up and just take a bite and that's how we vote. So whoever has the least amount of cheese left at the end is the new mayor elect.

Oh yeah. No. Oh yeah. No. Oh golly. Oh gosh. Our Midwestern accents need to be improved

but that's the gist of it. So you want to explain how the podcast works? Yeah, I have no idea. I'm a guest. Why would you put that? Yeah, you're right. Well, so what happens is people email us in their questions, conundrums, sticky situations. We do our best to advise them out of these problems.

Sometimes we do better than others. sometimes we just berate people sometimes we uh i don't know sort of a free-for-all yeah and usually we're usually recorded an apartment today we're recording it in a hotel room a hotel room in madison which is actually really nice just to paint the photo uh jake is on a chair next to the bed streeter is laying in my bed No big deal Jeans on I'm not even going to think about how dirty they are They're pretty dirty Amir is kneeling on the floor

Your shoes are soaking in the tub Because I guess you're concerned about the germs on them My shoes and socks are in a vial of rubbing alcohol right now Amir's been having an absolute meltdown because he doesn't have clean socks. This has been a major source of stress for him all week. Well, this is it. I'm on my last pair of clean socks. Oh, my God.

What will you do? Probably wear my gym socks, which are my backup socks, but I don't even want to get into such a terrible situation. Anyway, so people email us in at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Feel free to do the same. And we, yeah, let's get to answering some of these questions now. Now. Let's give this real email a fake name.

What about we'll call them names of cities on our tour. So this one's from Madison. Madison. Madison writes in. Guys, I need your your advice i met this guy in july at a video game tournament and we really hit it off we talked for every day he was super sweet we even skype all the time we don't live in the same area here's the problem we call each other boyfriend girlfriend although it's not official but he doesn't want to actually make

it facebook official he still posts little hearts on my wall likes and comments on my shit and will call me baby and other cute names i just don't understand why he doesn't want to be official or at the very least facebook official any advice or thoughts thanks madison there's so many so many chicks at video game conventions he doesn't want to get tied down yeah oh so he's like afraid of announcing to the video game world that he's in a relationship. All the other people on Metal Gear Solid are going to make fun of him if he has a girlfriend. You are against Facebook officiality, correct? Me?

Yeah. Yes, I find it to be abhorrent. You're not even like slightly below neutral. You're like, it's a negative 10 on a scale of negative 10 to 10. I think yes, I find it to be abhorrent. You're not even like slightly below neutral. You're like, it's a negative 10 on a scale of negative 10 to 10. I think it's awful. Why do you hate it so much? I think, well, I mean like you and your wife, I find that, you know, that's normal. It's complicated between us.

On Facebook. On Facebook. In real life, we're married. The few times I've entered into Facebook relationships, and they end, you know, inevitably. So it's such a weird, public, horrifyingly sad thing that I put a year of my life into a relationship. It fell apart. And then it's just like, oh, Jessica is single. And now I have three dudes like it. And I can now go comment on oh, Jessica is single. And now I have like three dudes like it.

And I can now go comment on that, which is nice. No, that's awful. It's like my turmoil, my heartbreak. So you're more against the breaking up of the Facebook officiality, not the getting into the Facebook officiality. Well, because as soon as you do, it's just inevitable that you'll have to get out of the Facebook relationship. So for you, Facebook officiality is like being engaged.

You're like, you're only going to do it with the one. No, I probably wouldn't even want to do it then. It's just like it doesn't matter. Would you do it if you're married? At that point, would you be like, this person's my wife? Or would you still be like, well, but what if we get divorced? I guess if I were married, I would do it. That means a lot to me.

Why? Wait, I'm unclear on this question have these two ever they've met in real life they've met in real life presumably relationship it's so complicated and dumb what she's saying like we're not we're not official but we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and you want to make it facebook official just shut up it's super confusing i'm like cranky tired mad sick and and and and and and he's full of cheese curds cheese curds to be perfectly honest but shut the fuck up why it doesn't matter it's facebook official is it official is it not official why if you care just be like hey i want to i want want to make this official on Facebook. If you don't, you can go fuck yourself.

I'm going to leave. I would say that's the way to go. Even though it's stupid, if it's really bothering you, just bring it up. Right. If anything's ever really bothering you, don't push it down. I think you can always present something like, hey, I know this is going to seem small or I know this is going to seem dumb, but it's really bothering me. Because if the person cares then it doesn't matter that it's small it's like oh somebody I care

about is suffering and I should correct it this could be one of those things that like sometimes you know you'll find that a girl cares about something that you never even thought for one second she would care about and then like you're the jerk all of a sudden

without even like a totally innocent jerk like oh wait you would care about and then like you're the jerk all of a sudden without even like a totally innocent jerk like oh wait you you actually care about facebook really oh yeah sure yeah like let's totally be facebook official then sorry i didn't know you actually gave a shit what's another example of that that happens to me all the time with food like one of my wife's birthday oh sorry oh that's a big deal dude yeah yeah it's just like i didn't know i was supposed to remember it and then like she got really upset when you're like oh well okay now i'll try to remember of course i mean i always remember i just never really say anything i remember and then it was like oh now i have to get you a gift so next year each year i learn a new thing you don't know

how to be a human i think yeah i'm learning yeah so every person has a day is that or do you choose a new day every year that That's weird. Dude probably He's probably just still trying to crush you probably doesn't want to be in a Facebook relationship because he doesn't want people to know Well, yeah, well, that's another reason people don't go into Facebook officiality It's like well, I don't want all these babes to think that I'm taking all these other babes on Skype. Yeah It's probably skyping on the side. I might bring up that he might have multiple skype accounts and he was scliprosis the problem is if he's if he's gotten this far that this girl's like wants to be like official then like he can't you can't hide it you shouldn't be like hooking up with people anyway yo i'm just cutting in isn't it weird to be like yeah mike i have an online relationship we don't

see each other ever but we're official yeah what Yeah, what's the point of that relationship? That seems like the worst shit ever. Why would you do that? You know all the negative about being far away from your lover? So that's the whole relationship. And all the pros of, you know, actual physical contact and being next to each other. That just doesn't exist. We have a masturbation-based relationship. So odd.

I'm not allowed to, like, meet or talk to anybody in my circle of friends and, you touch anyone in real life. Oh yeah, and I always have to call and check up with a fake online person. It's like online porn that makes you feel guilty. All online porn makes me feel guilty. You ain't watching the right porn if you ain't feeling guilty.

Huh? Huh? I feel like Facebook official is replacing like in our generation it was like we should have the talk to realize if we're actually boyfriend and girlfriend yeah that was the big deal like are you guys boyfriend girlfriend remember there was a dating or seeing each other or in a relationship now it's like i don't i don't know for facebook officially yet that's i think that was called dTR, remember? Define the relationship. But there's something,

almost in my mind, Facebook, it weakens the relationship. It undermines it. It's like, oh, I have to show everyone that I have a girlfriend. I have to be like, oh, this girl is my girlfriend, guys. It seems insecure.

Right. Anything you put on Facebook is bragging. Right. So why don't I just, like, if I could, was capable of love, why don't I just, like, have a connection with somebody that's, like, I don't care if it's on Facebook or not. Let the relationship see for itself. Listen to you two robots, dude. Don't you think that some girl you were with wants you to brag about her like don't you wouldn't don't you think she'd be like streeter like you're over absolutely overstepping your bounds right now i'm sorry you're sociopaths you're too social isolated sociopaths i know

this it's a three-person podcast but you're ganging up on us i seriously me and my logic i think streeter and his logic and his good points are ganging up on us right now. It's three against two somehow. I'm sorry, guys. Let's go back to talking about me being fat and cheese stuff. This is not cool the way you had a good point and took me down a peg. We sort of build each other up because when it's just us two, who's going to tell us that we're on? I'm sorry I opened the door to this little self-positive uh echo chamber we asked you to be on the on this

show not because you thought we thought you'd come in here and give us a different yeah opinion which different means bad in our mind i thought you asked me to be on because i was already in amir's bed and you were setting up the mics. I was falling asleep when you started. You said, let me on the show. I'm going to scream every three minutes and interrupt your podcast. You pulled down your pants, squatted on the bed, pushed out a log

halfway out of your ass. I've never seen anything like it. You said, one more push and it's on the sheets. This is what's known as the tipping point it's the halfway point i can either suck it back in or let it flop down i told you there's no way you can suck that in you call me malcolm gladwell man this is the tipping point it took me 10 000 hours to perfect this so don't blink or you'll miss it because guess what i'm david y'all goliath yup you're gonna you're gonna have to get out of this room and be

a little outliers because they they're gonna they're gonna take a minute to clean it kick you out of this hotel yeah that's what happened that's why we put you on the show i hope that answered her question so you were saying it's good to have a lady that you're worth that's worth bragging about i felt like so when when vanessa and i started dating as you know i was very nice is your wife my wife now when we started dating i was like very excited to go on facebook and be like this is my girlfriend i wanted everyone to know like i wanted to brag about it and i'm sure that made her feel good so i think that's the problem there have you ever met someone that you think you'd want to brag about um on facebook yeah is there someone that you'd want to brag about there is someone i. Is there someone that you'd want to brag about? There is someone I'd want to brag about.

I mean, I've been with people that I wanted to brag about, but I wouldn't put it on Facebook because I know that I'll end up breaking up with them and have to delete that relationship. I feel like you think other people care a lot more about your relationships than they do. You know all these people out there watching my status. They do.

A breakup shows up in a news feed, and that's shit that people talk about. Not saying me specifically. Dog, I'm just clowning you. No, it's not. You're clowning, but still, you're putting me on blast. You're putting me on blast right now on a Wednesday. On a Wednesday. I think it's not fair.

We had a long tour. It's a Wednesday afternoon, 4 p.m. blast? It's too early to be blasted. How is that fair? That's another thing we'd be doing on the tour is putting people on blast. I feel like we have to give Dave Rosenberg credit for putting me on blast. The first time me and Dave talked about being put on blast, it was like, he can't put me on blast on a Sunday.

I was calling him out for some shit. And then he was like, I'm Monday blast. I was like, you know, really the only day I can be put on blast is Wednesday. By then I really deserve it. Just blasting each other on an hourly basis. Yeah, no, I deserve to be put on blast for my actions. That's true. You true street.

Let's at least try to give this girl advice. I don't know if we've actually given her advice or just launched off. Oh, you know what? Hold on. Let me segue this, man. I would say put that dude on blast if it's bothering you. I was going to literally say the exact same thing. Put that dude on blast. Sorry, I'm going to put you on blast right now, and I don't think going to literally say the exact same thing. Put that dude on blast.

Sorry, I'm going to put you on blast right now, and I don't think you're going to say that same thing. How dare you? I should put you on blast for not trusting me on my goddamn show. Who's on blast, though? Now I'm confused. This is like an Abbott and Costello routine. Who's on blast?

Yes. No, no, who's on blast? Yes. The guy on blast. Yes. Second blast. Who's on blast? A modern vaudeville routine. But you just said this girl should STF you,

and now you're telling him to tell the boyfriend that it bothers him? Dude, I'm fucking coked out of my mind. I'll tell her anything. I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to contradict myself on this show? Jake's been trying to get sniff in every city, and guess what? He's succeeding. I succeeded, dude. I got fucking

yip that yim that yay to rest stop. His teeth are ground down to a fine powder. Oh my god. I'm actually like Afrin'd up. Streeter introduced me to Afrin on this trip. That's true. I got Jake addicted to Afrin. Oh, the nasal spray? The friend.

Dude, I'm friend up right now so friend out we've been calling it nerd coke you guys are you guys are looking forward to having being congested do you see like we're talking about i started licking my lips i like i'm like fucking itching for that friend right now it is addictive right isn't that highly highly it's not chemically addictive you get addicted to smelling things yep and then you stop taking it you can't smell anything you're all stuffed up and you're like i need that friend that friend that friend i remember asking you on day two or three what was the last day of your life that you hadn't been hadn't taken one pill or done one chemical thing and you said it's been like what

five probably yeah almost a decade i bet you have medicine every day uh over the counter side l man that's what they call me i do actually streeters walked into like we did it in arlington and in uh ann arbor he walks into like a like a kid in a can yeah he walks into he walks into walgreens so giddy so happy and then you come over like both times he bought his shit i thought it was like a display near the register of the medicine. It was like so many different medicines. When you guys were hungover at Weber's Hotel, who knew the remedy? Yeah, that's true. Over-the-counter Seidel fixed you up nice.

A leave coffee, a little Afrin. Is that why you married a doctor no she actually is she gets furious with me about the amount of over-the-counter medicines i take on the reg could she write you prescriptions uh she could i think she could but she wouldn't i think you'd lose your license for that right does your dad write you drug prescriptions uh your dad checks out your vagina all the time yeah my dad's a gynecologist yeah he gives me a vagisil and tells me to rub it on my lips if I want to feel something. Your mirror's looking a little yeasty right now. Takes me to this Vagisil.

He used to call me and my brothers the Yeasty Boys, actually. The Yeasty Boys. I came over to your house once. You, Yair, and Ben were all in stirrups in the living room. He was administering a pap smear to each of you he called it a group anal pap and we did that bi-weekly we tested positive for a shit in our rectum which is actually very healthy for growing boys actually don't talk about my family oh really no yeah you're gonna put me on blast Actually don't talk about my family Oh really

No yeah You're gonna put me on blast You're gonna put my brothers on blast And I'm not gonna stand up for that How dare you man Whoa what's that noise I think it's a choo choo train Spinner just ran to the window

Looked back with a smile on his face I think it's a choo choo train What other kind of trains are there man Only choo choo Exactly Choo choo Just like me with that cheese Choo choo's a choo-choo train. What other kind of trains are there, man? Only choo-choo. Exactly. Choo-choo. Just like me with that cheese.

Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Me and that afrin. Choo-choo. Get a ride on the afrin train. Choo-choo-ka-choo, baby. I got a bouncer kicked down a stall door the other night.

I was in there in the bathroom, just fucking leaned over the rail with a fucking afrin up my nose. You want some of this nerd coke i thought he's gonna kick me out but he stepped in locked the door behind him and fucking made me give it to me emotion it was crazy you have such wild nights i do it did afrin afrin with a fucking bouncer in chicago man i did afrin. I snorted a Flintstone vitamin. Ate a whole freaking kielbasa. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. I took a leave and I just passed right out then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stayed awake for 36 hours in a hot dogs line, actually. Started hallucinating. That shit will check your ego. It really will. A bacon and snake dog there. Snake dog.

All right. Should we move on to the next question sure we spent more than enough time on that one more than actually is there another leg of this tour we can call this guy chicago uh all right like a rich sounds like a rich uh air or something sir burlington writes so i have a question slash need some advice from you guys how do i quit jerking off last time i quit jerking off i quit for a week jerking off, I quit for a week and I legit felt better and wanted to actually converse

and listen to women rather than just wanting to plow through them and get the hell out of my house. Keep up the good work. Hey, you guys used my question. Thanks. Oh, my God, it's Burlington himself. Sir. Hello, I'm Sir Burlington.

How do I stop jerking off boys i have a problem you see uh hey man you know they say jerk is quitting jerking off is easy i've done it a thousand times oh mark twain 1988 holy shit that can't be. He lives. So, well, have any of you guys ever tried to quit jerking off? I've tried to, like, take, I mean, I would never be like, I quit. I would be like, I'm going to take a break. Yeah, because I just came and I need, like, a two-hour refresher. Let my seed grow a little bit. I don't think I've ever tried to quit.

I mean, quit, that's so final, you know? Yeah, you don't think i've ever tried to quit i mean quit that's so final you know like you don't quit i i think if anything i've like i've realized that i accidentally quit for like a month oh like you just have jesus christ you would you would go a month without jerking off dude when you like when you live with uh when you live with a woman in a loft where there's no other room to go to, I mean, you kind of, yeah. Sometimes you just don't have time. You don't have the privacy. You don't need the privacy.

You just go into the bathroom, pretend you're taking a shower. That's so sad. It's not sad. It's fucking coming. It's fun. Take your iPhone into the bathroom. Why don't you just actually do it in the shower? Why do you have to use your iPhone and pretend you're in the shower?

Oh, I'm just saying that's what I would do. Why would you use your earbuds? Well, so you can hear the sounds. Of what? Like the girl moaning. Use your brain. It's nicer to have the sounds. All the sounds are in you, Peter.

If you just listen to them. I think they've done studies that are like it's bad for guys to watch porn. The way you watch porn is detrimental. It's okay to jerk off, but you should maybe watch less porn. There was that article in New York Magazine about that. Porn is like ruining a generation of men because you can just see anything you want whenever you want it. So real sex is becoming boring, although I never found that i mean yeah i'm still not bored but i do i do think that like when i was younger and i would have to like jerk off with using my imagination it was like

it would it took less time it was like now i'll sit and watch porn for like an hour wow that's like a time suck you won't even be masturbating too you're just watching it as a as a fan and a critic just to watch as an artist when i was younger it was like you have to do it in the next 15 minutes or your mom is going to be like i know you're not taking a shower anymore why would you isn't that a funny thought that your parents would get mad at you for masturbating i remember having that thought like i can't get caught because mom and dad will be furious i don't think they'll be furious i think it'll just be terribly embarrassing yeah i know i mean now that's what i realized it would just be embarrassing but then i thought they would be mad at me for

some reason well some parents are mad like we had a question last week about then they don't deserve to be parents take that child away um though you know I'll tell you this. The one time I had sex, it was so much better than masturbating. I'm looking forward to that again. You're saying the one time you had sex? Yeah. You're married. Yeah, on our wedding night was the time.

So when we're ready to have a kid, we'll do it again. Oh, no. Yeah. So you saved yourself. That's awesome. You had laid? I. Oh, no. Yeah. So you're saving... That's awesome. You had laid? I had lay, dude. I had lay.

You had lay? I had lain with a woman once. Oh, my God. Tell me everything. Tell me everything, man. I wish everyone could see how Jake's just shivering with excitement.

Jake's quivering at a rate that makes him look like a hummingbird. Oh, no. He's just a blur at this point. He's actually flying. Jake's flying around the room. He can fucking float. He's like an electron. You can never pinpoint his exact location.

He's everywhere and nowhere at once. I swear to God, the only thing that's tethering him to the room right now is that he's holding the mic. It's like watching a dandelion float around. It's unbelievable. He's turning into different feathery particles. At this point, he's more of an idea than a person. He's more of a presence than a human. Though we can't see, we more of see we uh more we know we know what the

soul is it's a bright bright light that's even even lighter than whiteness i've never i can't even know how to describe it i can't help but feel like we've gotten off track oh that's uh that happens a lot on this show uh so i this question is how do i stop jerking off yeah i guess don't yeah Yeah. Don't. I think that would be my advice. You said there was a subreddit. I think there is a Reddit called, there's no, I think it's called direct you to a Reddit. That's the answer to every question.

I think it's called no fap. And what do you, what is it? Just like interesting things that a support. No, it's, it's like a, it's like a, I think Sam Rice sent it to me once. It's like a support group for dudes who are trying not to jerk off. You have like a sponsor. Like, hey, Streeter, it's Jake. I'm just like feeling low.

I think I'm going to jerk off. I'm going to come over, man. I have a huge heart on right now, and I kind of want to grab it with my hand. I want to touch it, man. Just stay strong. Just stay on the phone with me, all right? I'm going to come over right now. You think wet dreams are?

We're going to go to a bar. Wet dreams are something they look forward to because it's like oh i didn't masturbate but i still came or it's like cheating like no i had a wet dream i think that's natural so i i guess i have no idea i mean this is such a these people are like cannibals to me i think it's yeah yeah disgusting what they do i feel like it's to me it's like an insult to the only good like to me i'm like we got we made a deal with the universe where it's like we know we're gonna die right which is horrible but we got what we got instead was it feels pleasant when we pull on it we have like pleasure buttons yeah so it's like that's there as the trade for knowing you're gonna die so like why would you not want to pull on it? Will you please just go back to distracting yourself from knowing that you're going to die from death? Yeah, it's just like, oh man, someday I'm not going to be here,

but at least I can yank on my dick and it'll feel good for the next 10 minutes. I'll take that deal. I'll take that deal. Every time. This is Adam talking to God. Okay, well let me just present you with the other. No, no, no, no, no.

So I just, oh my God, it's working. Holy shit, this is great. Yeah, the other one is you can live forever. I don't i don't care about that no no no it's fine i'm totally fine with my own mortality as long as i get what 70 80 years of all this this is amazing holy shit you had a funny joke on stage which uh oh yeah if guys could have multiple orgasms they would what yeah if guys could have multiple orgasms there would never be guys because we would have gone extinct at the first dude he would have just had an orgasm been like whoa that was amazing oh hey it still feels good oh

let me let me just do this again and then he would just starve to death in two weeks that would have been that dead um have you guys ever tried to parrot masturbation down like oh i do it too much yeah i've pared it down before we're like um it's okay to go on a diet you just don't want to fast i almost don't don't you like i use it almost strategically sometimes where it's like oh i feel i'm gonna like the the wife and i got a hotel tonight like i better beat off in the morning so that in the evening, I have more stamina. Yeah, I think it depends on your mood. If I'm feeling really turned on before I'm going to go out,

I'll jerk off so I have stamina. Sometimes if I'm in a relationship, I'll have to not jerk off because then I won't be able to get as hard later. Because you find the person you're with repulsive now that they've committed to you? You get less attracted to the person as time goes on. Strange.

I don't feel that at all, but all right. Well, you found your soulmate. Your wife's a goddamn smoke show, all right? We don't all get Vanessa. Jake loves my wife. She loves Jake. And they've had a few run-ins with each other. And you know what?

Honestly, that's just something the whole street's going to have to live with. And I actually would love this opportunity to just say, Vanessa, I love you. So do I, baby. Vanessa, come home. And then come home home after you go home with him. Or just text me. Just let me know where you are.

Tell me everything. I don't care if you drink in my house as long as you do it safely. As long as I'm there. So the advice is to not stop jerking off yeah don't stop jerking off you get crazy too i feel like you need to you need to get rid of it sometimes or you get a little crazy come as poison expel it from your body it gets rotten and then those are bad sperm and then they infect all the other sperm yeah your, your balls just get bigger and bigger and bigger like a water balloon filling up in a spigot until it finally... You want to be walking around like you got two oranges in a garbage bag? Absolutely not. Hell no.

We will go. Hell no, they will grow. So that's our advice. Don't actually... What's a good amount? One a day amount one a day once a day i mean whenever you're whenever you're fucking feeling it as long as it's not inhibiting you from like hanging out with your friends yeah you know what that's what it is it's like smoking

weed it's like go ahead and do it right up until you're putting off and not doing other things so you can sit there and smoke weed by yourself right yeah as soon as uh you're like just jerking off like you're like oh i'm i should go soon as uh you're like just jerking off like like oh i'm i should go see my family you're like no i'm gonna sit in my room and uh tug my tug my stick so i don't think about how i'm gonna die is master am i the only one who does that no totally i will i jerk off thinking about death but i'm weird yeah no the character the guy at the grim reaper yeah grim reaper reaper porn reaper pov so bony so cloaky and bony and sithy is uh is masturbation to you like medicine is the street like can you remember the last day you didn't masturbate or do days go by where you don't masturbate i guess

days go by where i don't masturbate it's not like an everyday thing for you no not every can i tell you a funny masturbation story no we're okay we're actually running oh my god thank you so much so like you know when you get to college there's often a massive drop off and you're jacking off because like all of a sudden you're in a room with three other dudes and like time you don't know them and you're like well i'm not just gonna jerk off in here so it becomes very scarce like yeah you're like when are you coming coming back from class all right like i have five minutes lock the door you so casually care about your roommate schedule you're like oh you you were so you're gonna stay the whole class right i knew my roommates better i knew my roommate schedule better than i knew mine like oh shit when do i have lab but like i knew when ken had lab yeah

i would like skip class when steve and matt were at class because that would be my jerk off yeah they're all at home they're all you guys are all so neither of you guys are gonna go to class i'm gonna go i'm also not feeling well. Can we just all jerk off right now? All right. So that's what happened. You know, my friend Tim, my buddy Tim and I, we lived together. And at some point, we became good enough friends.

We were just like, you know what, dude? I really want to jerk off. Can you leave for 10 minutes? Yeah, which is fine. And it was amazing. And then eventually, we just got to the point where we'd be like,'m gonna go up in the loft and jerk off and i'd be like all right cool i'll stay down here and jerk wow and it was the greatest arrangement ever you just like as you get lazier and lazier yeah yeah you stop shaving you start growing your hair out you start eating

like shit and you're like and you know what i'm not gonna leave the room when you jerk off it was it was one of the best things that ever happened to me in college because all of a sudden it was like, yeah, now I'm comfortable in my own dorm. Yeah. You broke a wall down there. Yeah, we did. With your cum.

Yeah, and also Tim and I eventually started hooking up with each other a lot. Why am I masturbating? During graduation, instead of walking, you guys rolled onto the stage 69. You know, man, let me choke on that trout's hat for a minute. during graduation instead of walking you guys rolled onto the stage 69 you know man let me choke on that trout's hat for a minute a trout's snout

you know it's not gay if you're both jerking each other off because it's like you're tugging on your own dick it just happens

to be someone else's it's called the virtual reality you ever have a jack off race with your friend where you jerk each other off

and see oh the oogie cookie sorry Tim Have you ever had a jack off race with your friend where you jerk each other off? Oh, the Oogie Cookie? Sorry, Tim. He's like a professional businessman now. I'm like, we used to agree about jerking off. Don't bring him down to your level. He has a real job.

I got a goddamn reputation. None of these people know I masturbate. You're a garbage can comedian, but I'm doing something here. We usually take a little break now. Is there anything that we haven't talked about about this tour that we wanted to? Probably. I said trout snout, so I feel like that was the one thing I wanted to get in. On blast.

Yeah, on blast, trout snout. Goose meat. Yeah, Streeter, trout snout. Goose meat. Yeah, Streeter started calling a vagina's goose meat, which I think makes a lot of sense if you think about it. It makes sense if you don't think about it, actually. We were calling dicks trout snouts and vaginas goose meat. And anal sex was drilling for corn. Oh, yeah, that's right, drilling for corn. I thought vagina was trout snout.

It might have been. I don't know, man. No, because goose... No, that would make goose meat the dick. No, no, no. Goose meat and trout snout were both vaginal euphemisms. Was trout snout not a butthole? You know what?

I mean, I feel like, you know, use it the way you want. Use it when it feels right. Yeah. To me, trout snout felt like dick. But to you, it might have felt like butthole. And you might want to drill that corn. That's true. That's you doing you.

We're not going to, we're going to knock that. We're like a bunch of children, which is funny. Like we're all, we're 30. Jake's getting close to 30 professionals. And when we're in a car together for four hours all we do is make like duty and poopy jokes and like say things like trout snout and then crack the fuck up for like two hours make weird little raps what was the rap yo that loose meat that goose meat oh yeah let me get that pussy that goose meat that loose meat i'm gonna lose me in some goose meat that's the

men like reach 11 years old and then we're like well this is good i'll stay here I'm going to lose me in some goose meat. Goose meat, huh? That goose meat, huh? Men reach 11 years old and then we're like, well, this is good. I'll stay here mentally forever. Have fun, women. You suck. Stude just had the vision of driving off the road on the way to Minneapolis and just ending it all.

I could kill us all. Which Amir tried to do, I think, when we drove from burlington that's actually i feel like you should do a we should do a special or you guys should do a special episode where you just talk about amir's fucking insane driving let's talk about amir's driving on our break it is funny because my friends at home make fun of me because i'm a very cautious, nervous, slow driver. They're like, oh, Amir doesn't know how to take risks. He doesn't drive very cavalierly. He hasn't driven in a while.

And then I drove with you guys, and it was the exact opposite. You were a drunk driver with a death wish. Here's what it is. I think it's like L.A. There's lots of traffic and lights and signs, and that confuses you. Because when we got off, exit, that shocks you. That's too much stimulus for you. When we got off the exit to go to that gas station,

it was like a stop sign. The gas station was across the street and you crept for maybe 30 seconds into the middle of the lane to the point where like you were in the lane. You had made the turn, but you were still looking over your shoulder. So cautious that it becomes dangerous again.

Right. But like on the open road, when we were on the turn, but you're still looking over your shoulder. So cautious that it becomes dangerous again. Right. But on the open road when we were on the highway, you were doing 100 in the rain. In New Hampshire. We're on a road. By the way, that's the scary. I understand if I'm driving down I-95, I-91. These are highways that I've been on.

I know every turn. I know all the exits. I can go fast. Dude, stop bragging. I'm saying. Yeah, dude. I know how 95 works Trust me Yo exit 22 to 64

Cause I'm going 95 That's my territory You know your roads So there's some roads That you're like Okay I'm like gonna take It easy up here I know there's like a pothole

I know there's a quick turn We've never been to New Hampshire I feel so at home in America That like every road is my road Around a turn You don't know what there's gonna be Yeah and that's the fucking adventure There couldn't be a pothole

That's the fucking adventure This is a screening I don't wanna go on that road to be. Yeah, and that's the fucking adventure. I don't want to go on that road because I'm scared. No, every road leads me to a new place and I want to tackle it head on. I'm going to go 105.

Amir's driving so bad. Amir's driving was so bad on the way from Burlington to Boston that I got sick. Sick. Sick. And had to leave the show

the second I was done. And you did a semester at sea without ever feeling nauseous. I've never felt nauseous in a car ever. And we were swaying back and forth. And I remember complaining. It was windy. It was windy. That's his lie.

I was looking at the trees. The trees weren't moving at all. So how would I swerve the car left and right? Because you were just going with your hand. You were moving the wheel. I swear to God, I think we got from Burlington to Boston in one hydroplane. I think we hydroplanned there. I think we drifted across New Hampshire.

We drifted. There was the one time that I was really scared. We were going around a bend. Keep in mind, this is a guy who has unprotected sex for a living. So for him to be really scared of it means a lot. And I don't need like this. It was crazy. Like a merge, a turn, a driving rain and an unfamiliar road.

Amir is doing 95, one hand in the steering wheel, the other in a Chex Mix bag. I'm on the verge of vomiting in the backseat with a fever. I'm not even eating. Dave Rosenberg has his fucking his head to his knees he's praying to the only god that he knows that that we at least die quickly because he's accepted the fact that we're that we're crashing to our demise and all these brake lights are on and all i feel is not the car slowing down not you releasing the brake but accelerating yeah like as if we can go through them somehow and i only got into two accidents.

I remember trying to get Amir to slow down. And you were doing it too. And I realized that we live our lives in bits. We're always doing a bit. But Amir really thought we were doing a bit. I was like, dude, slow down. I don't feel well. He's like, okay.

Did you say speed up he's like oh my god i'm gonna fucking throw up back here this and the bitcoins were crashing at that point we were crashing and the bitcoins at the same time that was my other that was the other thing from this trip that's been fun of just tracking how tracking yeah watching watching fortunes being made and lost in our car by the minute a million dollars on bitcoin on this very oh my god so close the problem is he lost 1.2 the next day so he's he's in the hole for 200 grand ah no we had fun we do the thing is i'm not offended by this because um i i am a bad driver i'm i'm willing to admit that it's not like you're attacking something that i think that i'm good at

i like you're a bad writer i've never I'm good at. You're a bad writer. I've never seen anyone. You suck at writing. I've never seen anybody drive so much like a grandpa up on the steering wheel while going so fast. It's at least unique. Give me that much. It was unique. It was a unique move. I've never seen it before.

Hands at 10 and 2. Eyes looking very alert. But you're going over 100 miles 158 miles an hour sideways through a hailstorm in a new hampshire windy river brook brook road by 10 and 2 you mean checks mix by 10 and 2 you mean 10 o'clock and then two bags of checks mix by the drivers whatever the stick ship thing, that stiff dick, that goose meat, loose meat. Oh, that's another fun thing we've been doing is rapping about people's names. The meet and greets afterwards, we ask the guys their names,

and we ask the girls their names, and we just always turn it into a rap about that person having a huge dick. Which works 40% of the time, and then someone's really shy. He's like, hey, my name's Colin. You guys are like, Colin, Colin, slob on his bobbin. You're going off all day. He's like, oh, yeah. Can I just actually have a phone?

There was also that kid yesterday who was like, my brother's sick, and he really is a big fan. What's your brother's name? Jason, Jason. I'm Jason. That's Jason. There was also that kid yesterday that said his name was Jesus, and we were just dead silent. Do you want to pick, bud? All right.

Let's at least answer one more question, then we can legitimately call this an advice podcast. Fair enough. Y'all ready for this? Don't get all like passive aggressive. Well, you're the one who said you had to get out of here and start masturbating. I know. Before five. Is it five?

Oh, my God. All right. Ready? Yep. I'm barely going to have an hour. Hey, dudes. Boston writes, hey, dudes. Last school year, this girl and I began talking, and I really liked her.

After a while, I asked her out, and she gave me the I'm not interested in a relationship right now spiel. Shortly after that, she just became pretty unresponsive in real life and overtext to me until summer break when we plain stopped talking. Shortly thereafter, I began working out and eating right to rebuild the confidence as this particular rejection really got to me. Fast forward several months, and I'm now a buff and a cool. Suddenly, she's all interested in me. I kind of like her back still, but it annoys me that she only likes me now that I'm in this could be a shallow relationship. Am I overthinking this?

Shall I stop being such a prude and go out with this nude? Love, Boston. Yes. Yeah. Yes. It sounds like, if anything, she did you a favor, right? Right. It's weird that he's like, hey, I liked this girl, but she wasn't physically attracted to me.

Then I worked out, and now she's physically attracted to me. Yes. That's why you worked out. Right. Your goal was accomplished, and now you... It sounds like this dude was just bragging. Yes. That's why you worked out. Right. Your goal was accomplished and now you It's like, oh, I really want to It sounds like this dude was just bragging. He just wanted to brag about how he's in shape

now and girls like him. I really wanted to hike up this mountain, but I wasn't in good enough shape so I worked out and now I can do it, but it's like, is this mountain a jerk? Am I overthinking this hike? Should I just sack up and take the hike being physically attracted to someone is like a major component of liking them yeah like if he wasn't like her type and then he worked out she liked muscles here we go you just you beat you uncracked the code

what's the point of like if you're not physically attracted to someone like then then just be their friend like all relationships are just like a friendship where you also are attracted to the person she doesn't sound like she was that mean she was like i'm just not interested in a relationship with you she wanted to be his friend isn't that what she said also this is a long time span too like i'm not interested in a relationship right now right then the whole yeah then like the end of school, then summer, then next year comes. It's like maybe she changed her mind. Doesn't this remind you of a movie

where the girl doesn't want to date the nerd, then the nerd becomes cool, and then the girl's like, ooh, I'm into you, and then the cool move is the nerd being like, well, I'm going to reject you now. Isn't that more of a victory than actually going out with someone?

The victory is hooking up with the person you wanted to hook up with. Not with rejecting her like she rejected you. What do you get from that? There's always somebody that liked you all along, which is like super romantic. Right. You know, the trick is you got to take the girl's glasses off

and then you realize how pretty she is. Because we all know glasses make you an ugly. Oh, yeah, totally. What happened there? Sorry, we had a little audio glitch through my throat so you don't think there's anything to rejecting the girl not really i mean like i guess it depends she if you still are into her and you can't fault her for just like being physically attracted to you you just called yourself a buff into cool yeah so you're aware that you're a smoke show you deserve it are you gonna fall jake's a little jealous of you right now dude you're you're perfect pecs and you're rippling abs are you kidding me why don't why doesn't this dude flip the situation on himself and be like

there's a girl who's a bust she's busted But you guys get along as like buddies and she's interested in you and you're just not attracted to her. She goes away, comes back in like six months looking hot. Like, you know, I feel like that's totally understandable. Remember when, remember like in high school when like someone would go away for the summer, you'd come back. Yeah. Someone who was not attractive all of a sudden was like super hot.

Yep. Totally changed the way you thought about them. What'd they do over the summer? Grew tits. Wow. I mean, there was one summer that I grew a foot and I grew my hair super long and I came back to school and I got one hand job that year.

So like things changed. I literally, when I had my driver's license test, this girl I had a crush on was like, if you get your license, call me. Like, holy shit, that changes the game. That was the last time a government document got anyone laid. But like, that's crazy. She was basically like, if you don't get your license,

you are not cool to me. And if you do, then you are. I think this dude should hook up with this girl or go out a little bit and see if, you know, whatever. Stop worrying about it. Stop being such a dork. I think he should emotionally abuse her in some way. At the very least, yeah. Why don't you just go back?

You fuck her over now. You know what you should do. You make her feel rejected. You make her get now. You know what you should do. You make her feel rejected. You make her get fat. Yeah. I love you, but I'd love you even more if there was some more cushion for the push. I wish you had a little meat on damn bones. Yeah, I want some cheese curds up in this.

Yeah, yo, you get that fatty goose meat. You get that fatty ass goose meat, though. I like my goose meat a little thick. My salty ass trout snout. Well, marbled goose meat for this trout snout. All right. There it is. Go for it.

She's the reason you lost the weight and became buff. So at least enjoy it. Yeah. Otherwise, you did it for nothing. Who cares about health reasons? Right. It's like you grew a garden and there's all this delicious food and you're like, no, it's just because I watered it and took care of the garden

that the food grew. I'd hate to cheat. Reap the benefits of your effort. I'm overthinking this garden. Cool. There it is. Todah Rabbah. That's our first hotel podcast.

We're performing tomorrow or Friday in Minneapolis. This will be one episode that's going to come out before the tour is over. So if you're listening in Minneapolis, there's still tickets available, I assure you. So please check out collegehumor.com slash chontour to watch us hang out, make jokes, have fun, relax, die, live. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Goose meat. Hashtag goose meat.

Oh, my God. I hope that becomes a hashtag. The first theme song, we're still accepting theme song submissions. They're coming in fast and furious. We really appreciate it. That first one was from someone from the band, or Audrey from the band Sick C. And this last one is from someone named Grandmaster Kate. Streeter, anything you want?

I'll pluggy plug before we get out of here. No, you know what? I'm just going to say no, and I'm going to say thank you guys so much for having me on your podcast. What a pleasure it's been to be on tour together. You're the best, and I am just going to plug Streeter's book, White Wine, just because he didn't ask me to. Just because he gave me $25. He said, I feel like it'll be a pimp move if I take a knee and you come to bat for me. I'll tell you this.

It's the best book I've written. This year. So check out Streeter's White Wine Book. And, yes, thank you so much for listening, everybody. See you on Monday. And all the situations that I kept myself into So I'd type up an email and I'd send it on the net Sit back and wait for the advice that I would get Jacob, Hurwitz, and Amir Will alleviate your fear

Or at least make fun of you and maybe call you a queer if I were you show it to you now dot com hashtag freaking dope that's it another episode in the books

thanks again to huluplus.com for bringing us back so early huluplus lets you binge on thousands of hit TV shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. So you can help support us by checking out HuluPlus.com forward slash Amir, and that'll give you an extended free trial. Thanks, y'all.