Segments - 390: Shout Out Lightning Round

Episode Date: July 8, 2019

In this lightning round episode we discuss our favorite weather, our favorite foods, and what Dungeons and Dragons character would Amir be.... WITH A SIDE OF RICE.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at HeadGum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Funny to think, it's funny to say. Funny be attacked by Bird This Way, Jake and Amir, though Byron Murphy'd like to drink curfew. All jacked up, homie Billy Scuffberry. The If I Were You show skits about Kevin Crunch or a boy. Get the hell out of my laptop store.

The podcast audio settled down time to be amused. Loving fans to be abused. If I Were You, sure, now Whoa. Okay. Whoa. I liked it. That was like Dave Matthews band chic,

but not quite Dave Matthews band cover. Right. It was actually an original adapted from a song of his called Subversion. Shout out to Jake because Amir never does. I don't know what that means. I don't shout you out? I guess.

This guy. Wait, you don't shout you out? I guess. This guy. Wait, you don't shout me out? He said shout out to Jake because Amir never does? Yeah. That's true. You don't shout me out enough. You're never like shout out to Jake or big ups to Jake or like give it up for Jake. If we're talking to each other, when would I ever say shout out to Jake while speaking to you?

When you like introduce the show you'd be like hey this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm a mere shout out to jake no that's what i would say if you weren't there why would i shout out what you could say big up big ups to jake then like i'm a mere big ups to my co-host and then i will be like jake here but you never do that shit so yeah no he's right it's fine i don't like it doesn't weigh heavily on me it is what it is you know but it does weigh a little bit which is i think is too much i think it does yeah it doesn't weigh but it chips away it doesn't weigh heavy but it chips away that's bad chipping away is worse than weighing

heavy yeah i get i would say it's this episode is maybe the straw that breaks the camel's back i feel like i've been i've been an absolute ox yeah i hate to even think of myself as a camel with straw on their back but like i think i've been an ox if anything so this was right yeah this was written by a friend sorry i guess you told them to say that that I was just wondering if I could finish and? I'm an ox my back is finally broken under the weight of

all of your slights you're not an ox all of your snide asides you're a balsa wood you're a dry stick you're incredibly breakable no I'm not I feel like I have the mental fortitude of You're a dry stick. You're incredibly breakable. I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm a fucking...

I feel like I have the mental fortitude of an ox, in a way. I don't think you're an ox. I don't think you're strong. I don't think you're mentally strong, especially not mentally strong. Well, I have... Yeah, I have like... I think I have like this armor, like it's it's i think i have like this this armor and it's hard no to hurt my feelings but sometimes things like a lifetime of

snide asides will snides for sure chip away at my oxen constitution and that leaves me in a vulnerable state which is not normal for me to be to be insecure and sad and scared and hurt by you. Got it. But here we are. Yes, here we are. This guy who wrote this song, which really derailed us, is Calvin Yeager. He exposed our weak foundation. Oh, you know what?

I misread it. It says, shout out Amir. Jake never does. Really? Yeah. Which, whatever, I guess. That hurts to hear. Why? That one too? Alright, this is If I Were You,

the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. It's a holiday week, Wednesday, July 3rd at the time of recording. This will post on Monday, July 8th, right around the 4th of July. Very patriotic. I thought we'd celebrate, not with fireworks,

but with a lightning round episode. That's cool. Thank you. So these are questions that we, not submitted. How do you say like requested on Twitter? Solicited? Yeah, solicited. That's right.

Shout out to Jake. Big ups to Jake. Woo! Finally get the fucking credit. I'm due. So we solicited some questions, some quick hits on Twitter. Got over 100.

We're going to try to get to as many as possible right off the bat. Jake, why don't you load it too and then we can just go back and forth. I love that idea. Here's a quick and easy one.

Best genre of food, says Lucas Myers. I think it's a real toss-up between Mexican, Japanese, Italian, and American. Narrow it down to two. I also like Greek. Okay okay between two of those ones that i mentioned because there's a couple others that i really enjoy lightning i'll say tell you what why don't we go single elimination can i do text max because that's sort of a fusion that way i get the barbecue and a burrito i'll say japanese street food because i feel like that includes sushi sushi and burgers it doesn't okay can i say which one is pad thai

but also a grilled cheese oh that's fucking true food's so good i'm i'm hungry give me a fucking comfort food that has like cereal but also general so's yeah man damn what is it what's your favorite genre uh i'll go with a real uh underrated one i think is thai thai really came onto the scene a little later in my life but uh i'm never disappointed in thai even bad thai is good to me oh interesting i guess i'll i also don't love cheese enough to go mexican or american gotcha thai food is cheeseless right i think i mean i love mexican food because i like i love rice beans cheese bread but mexican food does not have enough bacon in it at least like the non-americanized versions of it so and for that reason i will say american food on the 8th of july godest cuisine of all time

we fucking got it right big ups to george washington props to john hancock thanks for getting it done yeah i want an impossible burger and a side of rice give me a fucking rib and a side of brown rice dry let me have a hot hot dog char-boiled burnt to a crisp oh and how about a side of rice you want a hot dog and then on the side of the hot dog is just steamed white rice. Hot dog. I'll have a burger. And then on the side, yeah. And on the side, rice.

Got it. All right. Any other questions that you found? Oh, let's see. A lot of these are about basketball, which I don't mind, but I don't want to make about the whole show. I mean, this isn't a Buckets episode after all. Ooh, I like this question. If you guys had to host another HeadGum podcast, which one would you choose? Wow, that is fun. If we could thieve

a show from one of our amazing artists that you can check out on HeadGum.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who would we thieve? I would say Punch Up the Jam, but I'm not talented enough to come up with new songs. All fantasy. Everything seems really fun. You just get to rank your favorite stuff. Yeah. That's I think all fantasy. Everything is probably one of the coolest formats.

I like Billy and Adam show. That's really, that's a, that's a really, a nice little, a nice little game that they play. Yeah. We borderline do that now,

but we give advice but yeah they take a topic and discuss their like previous present and future with them so that's yeah that's a good structure i think it's a really nice structure shout out to no joke pod shout out to all fantasy everything shout out to punch up the jam and um big to Jake. Thanks, dude. That's awesome to hear. I don't hear that enough. Dream holiday destination. I guess it means vacation. This is actually very interesting because I'm getting closer and closer to actually going on my honeymoon. Interesting. One year after the fact. Someday I might actually do it. Is it a honeymoon if it's just a vacation with your wife 19 months after the wedding? It's honestly turning to, it's getting to the point where it does not count as a honeymoon.

If you don't, I don't think if you, if you don't take it within a year, it's not a honeymoon. And I wanted, I don't want to air all of my grievances against my wife on this podcast. I mean, she can't make up her mind. But I begged to go on a honeymoon right after the wedding. I've always wanted to be whisked away to a romantic location and spend two weeks driving the Italian coast or hiking the French Alps. But no, I couldn't do that.

Not after the wedding. It was too busy. We had already taken enough time off of work planning the wedding. That's right. So yeah, I feel like weddings get bigger and bigger now. So you need more time off to plan the thing and then you can't do the honeymoon.

Right. And then the plan was to go on our honeymoon this summer, but Jill got a new job so i can't fucking yeah just the uh just the dream vacation destination i guess i just can't fucking win yeah i mean you can't sounds like you're having an awesome time um you are gonna go on a vacation it just won't be within the random, arbitrary 12-month mark, which I'm not really sure what that means. Yeah, yeah. Anyway.

That's true. No, but we're fighting a lot. I know. Where do you want to go? Just say Iceland. All honeymoon related. I want an escape. That's what I want.

Is that too much to ask? Who here thinks a beach is too much to ask for? So I really have been thinking about my honeymoon. And what I've wanted to do is like the French, Italian, and Swiss Alps in the middle of summer. Like alpine lakes, snow-capped mountains, valleys with flowers. That's my vibe. That's what I want. But then I've seen some friends been going to Greece and like diving off a catamaran into a crystal blue ocean seems pretty fucking perfect too.

So I'm torn. So far, two questions up and both answers. You're on the fence, torn, can't decide. Nothing's right, I'm torn. You're a little late. How about Japan, Tokyo? That way you can eat every meal with a side of rice. That's my dream vacation is Tokyo.

Never been. Here are great things. Want to attend. I feel like the question is what's the question exactly? Dream holiday destination. Okay. So that's the one that we have not been to, where we'd want to go. Yeah.

Cool. So I guess in that case, I'll say the Dalmatian coast of Croatia. Very nice. Thank you. Okay, Brittany Howard writes, top five things to do in both LA and New York for someone who will be traveling to both from Canada in the near future. Your favorite things to do in both. She wants 10 things, but why don't we just, why don't we give her a few? Yeah, I mean, it's been hard for me to answer a much simpler question. Well, actually, having five does help a little bit. Yeah, okay, you go New York, I'll go LA.

Okay, depending when you're visiting, I think seeing some kind of sports thing is a fun way to experience New York. Because you've got to get on the subway, you have to do the transportation, and then you're also surrounded by lots of New Yorkers. So if there's like a Yankees game, a Mets game, there could also be, you know, if it's later in the summer, maybe there's even the US Open happening, that'd be really cool. That's cool. All right, I'll steal that for a Dodger game

and then also go Westside, Santa Monica, rent a bike, which I don't know how to actually ride, but I hear good things. You can go to Santa Monica, Venice, eat near the beach, shop around, enjoy yourself out there. Yeah, biking down the Santa Monica boardwalk is cool. Also, pro tip, I believe Friday night Dodger games,

there's a fireworks show afterwards. That's a solid tip. Back to the big crapple. Fuck, guess i'll just i'll i'm i'm flustered so i'll just say see a broadway show that you can't go wrong there though that's that's solid you should definitely do that and i'm gonna think harder for tip number three okay a lot of good street tacos you can almost do like a street taco tour we're're talking taco trucks that are very well respected, highly regarded. If you want some authentic Mexican taco trucks, I'm sure there's a blog or a website that tells you exactly where to go to eat some of your new favorite foods, your new favorite genre of food. This is my shirt? You don't have to worry about it.

Broadway is fine. We don't have to worry about it. Broadway is fine. We don't have to actually get by this. You can also, you can see it off Broadway shows. Yeah. Yeah, we have famous. What about the Staten Island? Yeah. Staten Island.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Staten Island. I'm having a panic attack. I think so. All right. You found another question? Yeah this one i like it's gin vodka or tequila and i'll turn it into a fuck mary kill oh interesting i will um uh um mary vodka because that one uh offends me the least okay um i will kill gin because I'm not a fan.

Okay. And as for tequila, fuck tequila. I'm not a fan of that either. Wait, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, got it. Okay. I think I like tequila the most, but I'm still gonna kill it

because it gives me the most problems. I see. It hurts you. Yeah, it hurts me. It hurts me bad. And I'll fuck vodka because I can fuck with vodka. Nice. And gin, I'll marry gin because I have too much respect for gin to fuck with it. That's really cool. Is it my turn? Oh yeah, it's my turn. Here's a basketball one

that's more about Jakeake it's how little will jake care if kawaii leonard goes to the lakers this will be instantly dated kawaii will have made his decision by the time this comes out so how little or much do you care how do you know he'll make his decision by then uh he's dragging his feet but i believe he has to make it for the lakers sake by july 6th oh wow Interesting. Because like free agency is such a long time, but they're like, you have to decide by July 6th, like wait months before it's over. Yes, exactly.

I mean, like 99.9% of people decide within the first day or two. It's very rare that he's taken this long. It's July 3rd at the time of recording. I'm guessing he decides today or tomorrow. Interesting. And so you're saying, the question is

how much will it matter to me? Yeah, do you care at all as a LeBron fan? I'd like to hear your answer before I give mine. I sort of talked about it on Buckets yesterday, but I've never cared about anything more than where Kawhi Leonard signs. It's keeping me up at night. It's stressing me out.

I'm refreshing blogs. I'm in the deep web. I'm texting friends trying to find any inside information. Everything is completely locked down. I'm losing sleep. I'm tired, angry, and annoyed. And I'm starting to think he won't sign with the Lakers. So all this will be for naught. So how much do you care, bitch, about if Kawhi Leonard signs with the fucking LA Lakers? Honestly, my question to you was how much do you think I care? I already know that you care the max.

Oh, sorry. You verbally attacked me, bud. Sorry about that. I think you're kind of invested, but you'll enjoy LeBron and Anthony Davis on the Lakers either way. Yeah, I guess, would it ruin anything for you if Kawhi didn't sign with the Lakers? Will it diminish the Anthony Davis trade? Will it diminish the Lakers in your eyes?

It'll be a lot better with him. It'll be sad if he chooses the Clippers over the Lakers, because then it's like, I want to live in LA, but i want to play with the clippers if he goes back to toronto i think that's completely understandable and that's where i'm leaning right now i think he's gonna just resign with his whole team for another year or two is everyone else on that team still though yeah everyone else is uh danny green is also a free agent but he would probably resign with toronto if kawaii right yeah Yeah, I think I'd read that Danny Green was waiting to see what Kawhi does. Yeah, exactly.

Interesting. So do you care? Yeah, I want him to be... I guess if he was a Laker, I'd be super excited. But I think it would... If he remained a Raptor, it would also be very exciting. And I'd probably root for the Raptors

next season. I can't fault them for staying in Toronto. Toronto did their best efforts to keep this really mercurial, silent, brooding superstar. So it'd be cool if they pulled it off. You got a question?

Let's see. Oh, I just saw the Will Jake care kawaii goes to there's a lot of lakers questions huh i know i think i think people understand um the stress i'm going through what's a smart way to get fired from your job is there a smart way a smart way well getting fired is better than quitting because you'll get severance. So right off the bat, getting fired is a smart way of leaving a job. But what's the smartest way of getting fired?

That's, it's, I don't know. Because like you really have to, it'll show up on your resume too. Yeah. Like you got to think about it'll show up on your resume too. Yeah. Like you got to think about that a little bit, right? Yeah. Give me like, you don't want to be like. If they want to call your old boss, if you're like getting a new job, what is two months severance if you're going to get dragged when you get that reference? Yeah.

What if you find something out about the CEO and you blackmail him to firing you with like six months severance? That way he has to speak glowingly of you. He gives you cash not to work for the next half year. And then whatever job you get next, he has to give you a good reference. That's solid. But you have to find something to blackmail them about yeah so you'll plant some sort of seedy email material and usually people are um up to nefarious things regardless so it doesn't really right yeah how to fare this is a smart way to get fired to blackmail your boss i mean everyone's hiding a pretty pretty evil secret. I know right off the top of my head, I have like, I must have five evil little deeds that I'm like currently navigating

in terms of taking people down or lying. Like, I can't think of five evil deeds that I've done. Just like nasty little secrets that could ruin you on the day. Like, how many do you have like just you don't have to say them obviously because they would ruin not only your life but other people's but like how many nasty little evil things do you have that are sort of you're rumbling in your head wait rumbling in my like you can keep you up at night scare you make it so you can't look in the mirror for too

long can i have an example of one of yours we can edit this part out of the show yeah so like an example of one of mine is that i i um i accidentally quote unquote uh ended somebody in high school. Jesus Christ. Like I made someone not be. Persona non grata, body Ghana, in high school. You disappeared somebody. Yeah. I vanished somebody else with one trace, but the trace is a clue that I sit on, and I find myself in times of sorrow wondering what came of

me. You're a sociopath. You're a psycho. Yeah. So if you could find something like that on your boss, I feel like that's a smart way. Yeah, that's smart. I have another one. When Amir finally plays D&D, what class do you think he'd play? Okay, let's take a break and answer this question on the other side of these messages, because I need to ask you a lot of questions about that. Hell yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can

update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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think he'll play so what are the options uh i can you want me to run them through? Sure. Okay. Buckle up, motherfucker. Never mind. What are your career influences, and what should I do to take my gap year in Germany? Okay, if you want a career as a barbarian. All right, so the classes are, I'll read through them, and if any of them spark joy,

ask and I can let you know about them. Well, actually, no, that can just basically tell you as we go through. Barbarian, fierce warriors, okay? A bard, an inspiring magician. Clerics, priestly champions. Druids, a priest of the old faith. Fighter, a master of martial combat. Monk, a master of martial arts.

Paladin, a holy warrior bound by a sacred oath. Ranger, a warrior who combats threats on the edges of civilization. Oh, sorry, did I say ranger? Rogue, a scoundrel who uses stealth and trickery to overcome obstacles and enemies. All right, stop talking, that's me. I want the rogue, I want the scoundrel. I want to be a sharp-witted man who absolutely takes advantage of his foes with my fast thinking and quick-wittedness. Well, you could also be a wizard because that's a scholarly magic user.

If you want to be smart, that's like a class you could use your smarts. No, I'd really like to be a needle-nosed mousy little rogue. So you can play a rat folk rogue. Yeah, and I'm just like, ooh, answer me these questions for... And everyone doesn't want to deal with me because I kind of reek of shit. But I think that I'm in charge of

things that I'm not actually in charge of. Oh, that actually sounds super fun. Yeah, like I'm knowledgeable about a bar just because i never left you know yeah i like that i yeah a rat folk rogue we figured it out what is rat folk there's so dnd has classes and races and uh of the races you know there's like your typical stuff like dwarf elf half elf uh halfling like the things from that you see from like lord of the rings um but then there's also like these sub races like uh a rat humanoid a rat humanoid yeah okay okay that's pretty that's like the closest thing to a chipmunk and what do i care about what

a chipmunk would play i guess you could play something that's like not anything like you as a person, but it's kind of fun that like you are a chipmunk in real life and then you could play a chipmunk in D&D. I just think it's nice. I'm not, yeah. I mean, I can play a chipmunk. Like I could be like, oh, I'm going to pretend I'm a chipmunk and whatever, but I'm not, you oh, I'm going to pretend I'm a chipmunk and whatever, but I'm not.

You know that I'm not one. You are a chipmunk, bub. You don't get to decide that, bub. You don't get to decide what you are, man. What did you have for breakfast today? I had, this is so fucked up, because for about a week I I ate normal shit and then today I had seven soft acorns for breakfast. And you asked me, what did I have for breakfast today? Today is the day.

Yeah. Wow. I think that's chipmunk food in a way. I had soft acorns and a series of seeds. All right. So glad we figured that out. Yeah. Aren't I coming on NatPod if you guys hit some sort of

patreon mark or something yeah yeah i forgot to ask you about that but if we hit a patreon goal on nadpod you have to be on it so okay we're uh we're 90 of the way there also nice uh so i do have to do it 89 complete a mere guess if we this goal, Amir Blumenfeld will finally enter the 2DO and be forced to learn how Dungeons & Dragons works. So we're 89% of the way there. Ooh, I hope I don't hold out and make you guys give me a lot of cash to play. I'd hate for you guys to be deemed as liars or nefarious fools for taking advantage of your Patreons.

Yeah, you're perfect. This is in character, absolutely. All right. Connor O'Kevin says, Would you rather drink one pint of pee every six months or always have a tiny bit of pee in any water you drink? Wait, sorry, say that one more time. Excuse me.

So, would you rather drink a pint of pee every six months or always have a tiny bit of pee in any water you drink oof probably the pint every six months yeah just get it over with just like one day pound slam boom yeah i think i'd go a tiny bit of pee and just convince myself that there's no pp in there i think it would always taste a little you'd hint a little bit of pee and then like think of how often you share what like if i have a if i have a water and someone's like hey can i have a sip of that i'd have to be like um you don't because i drink my water with a little bit of pee and a side of rice a side of rice uh so you're going pint i'm going for uh micro pp yeah

um this is an interesting question cage edgar writes what's the worst form of self-expression like don't find yourself in any way i I guess. Stop discovering new things about yourself in a creative outlet. Yeah. So what would you say? Fucking painting? The worst? Painting is fine. I don't mind painting.

It's therapeutic and sometimes it's good. Yeah, interpretive dance is pretty bad because it always looks like regardless of if it's good or bad it always looks pretty weird right i also feel like dance there's some like writing painting music they all feel kind of personal like even though they're shared with a wider audience later and maybe that's the goal but interpretive dance almost it's the the whole purpose is that you have to do it in front of people. Right. So you can't just interpretive dance by yourself. Yeah. So it's always about sort of just like showing off.

Poetry is pretty bad. No, poetry fucking rules. I love poetry. Would you rather have skin made of denim or always have to wear a jacket made of human skin it's almost like they're working together to ask us would you rather have a bad thing once or a little bad thing forever well the i think i guess you you always have to wear a skin jacket that's pretty fucking fucking foul. Yeah, it's not ideal. I guess I'd rather be Denim Man. It's like a cool little superhero.

Yeah, why doesn't anybody like me? You're sort of tucked away in an attic somewhere in a Levi Strauss factory. Denim Man. That's cool. That's actually a good commercial. Yeah, that's a good idea. Here we go. Pleasant Park at Kyle Moore writes, That's cool. That's actually a good commercial. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Here we go. Pleasant Park at Kyle Moore writes, How would you make a PB&J? Peanut butter and jelly on both sides of the bread, peanut butter on one side, jelly on the other? These are important questions, Surge, dude. I mean, first of all, best sandwich in the world is peanut butter layered with bananas, drizzled with chocolate chips, bread on top of that. That's the sandwich. That is the PBCCC. What's this third C? Oh, sorry.

Wait. PBB. Oh, yeah. PBBCC. PBBCC. A sandwich so nice you couldn't name it once. I named it twice the second time pbbc wait pbbcc okay think of a different name for it peanut butter banana chocolate chip pbbcc meanwhile fire ants are eating your ankle They've crawled into my anus.

Quick, get the P, wait, PBB. Shit. So you need to do jelly on one side, peanut butter on the other. Flip the peanut butter over onto the jam because that's the one that's going to adhere to the bread better. It won't drip. But then once you have that, flip it back over

because the jam should sit on top of the peanut butter. It's a little more, because it has sort of like a layer that's protecting from seepage down to the bottom. Okay? Yeah. I grew up in an Israeli household, so we didn't really have PB&J. I think the first time I had a PB&J was with your family, like at age 25. Yeah. I remember we gave you your first one. Wasn't it in Nantucket? Yeah, so I don't really know how to make it. I assume I would put peanut butter and jelly on one side and then just close it.

I'm not going to put it on both sides like an open-faced sandwich and then close that. You got one? Oh, yeah, this is another food and weather thing. Well, I guess actually it's the first weather thing, but it's another food thing. Anyway, Chaotic Chad writes, favorite food slash weather thing. Well, I guess actually it's the first weather thing, but it's another food thing. Anyway, Chaotic Chad writes, favorite food slash weather combo. Food slash weather. Gimme ramen on an overcast day. It's 61 out. Oh, and guess what? I'm having pork broth in a bowl with a side of rice. You you love soup you love hot soup so your your weather is gonna affect the food right like your or sorry your food reflect is gonna have an effect on the

weather you're thinking yeah food like it was sunny out until i had the ramen and now that i have the ramen it affects the weather but yours but like clouds form yeah your favorite thing you're like i'm thinking of food and then i'm gonna think of the weather and now that i have the ramen it affects the weather but yours but like clouds form yeah your favorite thing you're like i'm thinking of food and then i'm going to think of the weather to match that i would think for me i'm thinking weather first so i'm going like 70 75 degrees crisp low humidity with a nice breeze and i'm eating fish tacos and guess what's on the side what rice yeah no i figured as much by the way your favorite food and weather are both la staples so i don't know what you're doing out there it's it's 80 and sunny today in new york okay i'm gonna get fish tacos and a side rice with glenn rice he's an old basketball player of course um what grades are you

guys climbing these days right sharkitect i am climbing fours and attempting five whoa on the v scale that's pretty solid i haven't climbed in a while i feel like you could still but you're exercising i feel like you would still get up a V3. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. I don't know. A lot of it has to do with just how strong your hands and arms and fingers and that kind of stuff you can't replicate in the gym. Yeah, it's true.

I miss climbing a little bit, but I also know that it hurts me a lot. It does hurt you? Yeah, just like whenever I have a small ache, like a bruised rib, climbing hurts that. A bum ankle, climbing hurts that a bum ankle climbing hurts that climbing really just like finds the thing that hurts a little bit and makes it a focus a focal point of pain that's interesting i actually i have pain almost all the time and i don't have it when i climb so maybe that's why it's a better sport for me like when i run i'll i'll hurt for like two straight days interesting and i still do that anyway because i like to run so much uh all right who you got this question

doesn't really make any sense to me i'll ask it why why not max heckert says what percentage of people do you think subscribe to the notion of i'm not starving but could eat, but with pooping. Does that make any sense to you? No, but with pooping. Like, I don't have to go to the bathroom, but I could shit. Is that what he means? Start from the top. What percentage of people do you think subscribe to the notion of I'm not starving, but I could eat, but with pooping?

Oh, I see see so what percentage of people are like you know what i don't really have to take a shit but i could shit i yeah i mean you can't do that you can't just you can't force yourself to shit yeah what are you are you waiting for the last possible moment sitting down and it's an instant expel or are you like all right it's that time of day i'll sit on the toilet and wait and see i never wait and see if i don't have to shit i don't shit that's awesome but i'm not like i don't wait till i it's an emergency either if i'm like oh i feel like i have to shit i can always just shit i don't really have like uh like i i you know i'm not that regular like a the same time every single day but i'll like take a shit you know yeah but you are you

well one a day or yeah or no i'm probably like one every six and a half weeks but it's like yeah oh wait no i'm actually so like so i'll shit every six and a half weeks it is as small as a marble it's as small as a marble but it's as it feels heavier than a cannonball like i'll i've chipped the porcelain on my toilet with the density of of this marble it's basically like a black hole um yeah so that's once every month and a half nicholas asked no, I'm not done. By the way, do you know what the densest material on Earth is? The heaviest metal? Oh, um, mercury? It's actually osmium.

That's right. The heaviest metal is osmium. So for whatever reason, you seem to be shitting osmium every month and a half. And you should get that checked out. Right. How heavy is osmium? Uh, couldn't tell you. 22 grams per cubic centimeter. Does that answer your question? Yeah, it does. Chad Benson asks, what is the best condiment? Ooh. Goat condiment. My goat condiment is barbecue sauce.

Yeah, I do know that about you. Actually. You also like teriyaki. Yeah, I was going to go teriyaki because you can't really put barbecue on the goat food. A side of rice. A side of, well, if you're going to go to side of rice, then you're going to want a soy. A soy or rice. Yours is hot sauce, sriracha. I put it on everything. I love it when things have that kick.

I actually love. Fuck off. I like honey mustard. I was going on everything. I love it when things have that kick. I actually love it. Fuck off. I like honey mustard, I was going to say. I didn't realize. It's okay. Oh. You kind of verbally attacked me there, dude. Sorry, yeah.

I forgot that you also like a sweet mustard. That was a little emotionally abusive, man. Yeah, sorry about that. I just thought you liked spicy things too. Oh, it really hurt my feelings with the way that you yelled at me in that way. With no regard to how it would affect me. Yeah, sorry about that. It's fine.

James Argument says, how it would affect me yeah sorry about that it's fine uh james argument says how do you shart in social situations i don't jesus sorry how do you hide a shart so you shart what do you do what would you do immediately excuse yourself you have to go to the bathroom and then what uh throw away your underwear you throw it away yeah wipe with it away your underwear. You throw it away. Yeah. Wipe with it? Throw away the underwear, wipe, clean yourself, go back. It's fine. No one noticed. Do you go home? Do you leave the underwear under a clump of paper towels in the bathroom? I guess I'm imagining this happening like at a bar in a public bathroom.

If you do it at a friend's house, it's a little harder because you have to find a way to throw the underwear out. I guess you could bury it you could probably excuse yourself go to go out to your car go to the street that's good i forgot something in the street uh i have a i have a white wine in my in my whip hold on i'll go outside and then you have to drive to a store and get white wine. Yeah. And you're still completely filled with the shart because you haven't discarded the underwear yet. Right. You start sweating. You fully shit your pants. You have diarrhea. You have to go home. You have food poisoning, bud. Three days later, they want to know what happened to the white wine. If you have food poisoning, you got to just go rice all day for three days. Ever heard of the brat diet? I prefer

the rat diet. Rice, applesauce, and rice. On the side. All right. Last question from each of us. Ready? Yep. Ooh, I want to answer this one. Lil Grimass says, have you seen each other's nuts before? I've seen yours. Have you seen my nuts? I guess I've seen you naked. I don't know if I've specifically seen the nuts of you. All right. Like, I want to see your sack. I've seen your cock.

I've seen your ass. But have I seen the fucking testes? I've seen your rosebud. But I want you to grab your cock and dangle your nuts. Well, yeah, I teabagged you once, but you were asleep. And a side of nuts. I teabagged you when we were living

in Los Feliz together, so that was when you were 34 and I was 32. That's the oldest person you think ever teabagged somebody. That's a good question. Probably 58. Yeah, I would say that too. This is kind of a hard one, but hopefully you have an answer.

Proto Tom, TomTroy8 writes, what's the least romantic thing someone has done for you? Least romantic thing someone's done for me? It's kind of hard. Yeah, but it doesn't, I, um, I guess there was one time I gave a girlfriend in high school a necklace that I thought she had wanted and like I'd saved up and I, I had like a lot had gone into me getting this necklace. And the first thing she said was that it was the wrong one. That's pretty unromantic.

What about Dave urging you to have a threesome with him oh yeah that was that was another weird one i came home from a bar with somebody and dave was just like on the stairs like pointing to himself saying three-way and i was like no and then he got mad at me yeah that's gotta be the because that's the opposite of romance, but still in that genre, the least romantic thing someone's ever done to you. What, do you have an answer? No, I mean, my Dave anecdote about you was my answer.

Yeah, all right, that tracks, that's fair. All right, thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks for writing in. The opening theme song was Calvin Yeager. The closing one is a different Calvin Yeager song. He submitted so many, we can use another one. That's it.

If you have your own questions, we usually get them at ifiryshowatgmail.com. And as always, we'll be back next week. If you're listening right now, don't go back in time and spoil where Kawhi ends up

because I still have faith that he'll end up on the Lakers. I think you will, bud. Thanks, man. I needed to hear that. All right. Later, everybody. Peace. If I were you Till the end of time Every girl missed a dime

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