Segments - 392: Blind Date (w/Julia Nunes!)

Episode Date: July 22, 2019

Musician and friend Julia Nunes is in the studio discussing flirting, exercising, and laser eye surgery.Get Julia's new album UGHWOW wherever you listen to music.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at HeadGum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. A miracle happened in Israel back in 1983. My man Amir was born. Or at least that's what Wikipedia told me. With a golden smile and chiseled abs, this dude is absolutely a punk. He's the only reason anyone would watch College Humor. And he's definitely not a chipmunk. And after all those years, I can finally forgive him for saying that a prank was fake.

But I'll never forgive him for being friends with a punk-ass bitch like Jake. You're listening to The Advice Show Podcast. If I were you. Hosted by the star of Hail New Kumar 3 and some other dude. Fuck you, Jake. Yeah.

You piece of shit. You absolutely, how many great theme songs did you weed through to get to the absolute bottom of the barrel bullshit? You can listen to the lyrics. They were cute. I like the fucking.

They were cute. You had a bit part in Harold and Kumar 3. It was. A very Harold and Kumar Christmas. I don't know what to say. You were absolutely like ninth billing in that. They talked about both of us equally. They didn't.

I was trashed. I was dragged. Julia Nunes. In dragged. Julia Noons. In front of Julia Noons. That's good because I have leaned way more towards Jake this whole time. So I feel like you just had to even the score. Things out. Jake's thanked in my album liner notes.

Yeah. I get a shout out. Jake was there. Amir was there. Not the me Amir though. Not you Amir. Different Amir got a shout out. Jake was there. Amir was there. Not the not the me Amir though. Not you Amir. Different Amir got a thank you in the liner notes of your new album. But this Jake is for real.

Even though it just says Jake, you're telling him point blank it's Hurwitz. Yes, it is. The Amir is who? What's that person's last name? The other one? His name is Amir, not Blumenfeld. That's awesome. So it's like a hyphenated situation. My mom remarried someone with's last name? The other one? His name is Amir not Blumenfeld. That's awesome. So it's like a hyphenated situation.

My mom remarried someone with a last name not. Had a baby. That was written by Brandon Lee. So yeah, he loves both of us equally, he says. Really? Maybe there's another one. Seems like it didn't really reflect that. Yeah.

Let's write another one, Brandon. It was kind of Julia Noon's chic, that song, right? A little bit. It was like one person, guitar, or ukulele? That sounded a lot like a guitar to me. Okay. What's the difference musically between a guitar and a ukulele, beyond just the size? That's it.

That's all there is to it. Just a small, small guitar. So you can hear the size of the instrument through. I can, yeah. That's cool. But that's because I have perfect size hearing. Right. So you can hear. It of the instrument through. I can, yeah. That's cool. But that's because I have perfect size hearing. Right. So you can hear.

It's different than perfect pitch. You can always tell what size an instrument is. Yes. How tall am I? This drum kit is huge. Yeah. This is a massive kit. Can you tell how much I weigh by what I sound like?

Yeah. Let's hear it. 2.75. That's close. That is close. You're within 180. That's my range. That's my guaranteed within 180 pounds.

I could tell you how big your guitar is within 180 pounds. I don't doubt it. Thank you. It's on my business card. If somebody told you, you have to guess within 180 pounds of the entire seating max of the Rose Bowl, 100,000 guesses. But if you get one wrong,

we'll punch you in the face. But if you get them all right, we'll give you $1,000. 100,000 guesses. 100,000 guesses. Do they all have to be different? Yeah, they're different people Because it's like The Rose Bowl was sold out

And as they leave You're guessing Within 180 pounds Yes, I could absolutely do that Wait, what are the What were the stakes? Because if you're wrong You get punched in the face

And if you're right Does anything happen? Yeah, if you're right You get a thousand bucks A thousand That's a lot of work It's a lot of time It's 180,000 people

180,000 guesses No, 100,000 100,000 guests is 180 pounds How long would that take? I don't know, what, six, eight months? You're getting a G Also, they all have to, what, line up? Everyone has to agree to wait to walk by They have to see 100,000 people

walking by you, single file And would you just always guess 200, 200, 200, and then wait until you see a really fat person, and then you're like, all right, I guess 300. No, there's definitely babies. Or a baby, yeah. There's babies that I would— If a baby is crawling out, what the hell do you do?

You guess 200, you get jacked in the face. I think I go 100, 200, 100, you know, like within, you know. That's nice. That'll keep them at a clip. That'll keep the babies. 100, 200, 100, you know, like within, you know. That's nice. That'll keep them at a clip. That'll keep the babies. 100, 200, 100, 200. No, I think you'll, like, I'm not saying yes to this, but I think you'll have a harder time getting all of those people to agree to this.

They've already agreed. Because what do they get? They already get it, yeah. I've paid them $2. What they get is the potential opportunity to punch you in the face if you guess their name. Yeah. The person I get wrong punches me, not you.

Yes. No, the person, the baby that you miscalculated gets to sock you. It's hard to get a free pass at a punch in the face. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know I was being offered an adorable punch because if it's a baby. If a baby's punching you in the face, I'd absolutely do it.'d absolutely do it i'm in slightly slightly different but same world of questions um can you can i write a contract that says i want you to punch me in the face and you would do it but it's completely legal

like or can i always sue you for assault our show's changed a lot since the last time you but we just i'm here as these kind of like weird esoteric not even philosophical as much as they are legal questions like what would you do if yeah like if i wrote something that said i want you to punch me it's not even would you rather it's just wouldn't it be crazy if do you think there's a lot there's a document that would allow you to do that to for me to punch you in the face. That's right. And we both sign it and you can't ever... Sue you.

Okay. And your question to me is, does that document exist? Will it hold up? Yeah, will it hold up in court? Or will you can still punch me, break my nose and be like, oh, I didn't want that. You punched me too hard so i mean if i know anything about bdsm i feel like all of those contracts like really oh do those people have to sign contracts sometimes some people do interesting just to prove that the like maybe assault you did was

yeah that's the thing they sign up for like some pretty safe There's a safe word. Yeah. But is the safe word a legal doc or is it like, by the way? The safe word is contract. Yeah. The safe word is help, stop, not now. Jesus. All right. Let's use that as a segue. Not now.

Help, stop, not now. I'm drinking tea. Later. Later. You can electrocute by... Step on my naps with a high heel later crush me later we'll use that as a segue to the actual point of the podcast

which is an advice show called if I were you hosted by me and Jake sometimes just the two of us sometimes we have a friend in the studio Julia Nunes here you've been on the show before once twice three times. Once. Once.

That's cool. Still. Still good. Still good. This was back when we were living in Los Feliz. In the casita. Yeah, the mansion on the hill. For sure.

But we go way back. You were in Jake and Amir videos. Ten years ago? At least. Could it be? Yeah. Wow. I was a sophomore in college oh my god that's like 19

we yeah i'm sorry are we am i on trial here yeah i was a sophomore in college and i believe you guys came and made a video with me in my dorm room i have a contract nice Nice. Yeah. We did enter your dorm room when you were 19 and shot a video. I was young. I was college-aged, I think, when we did that. I was 38. I shouldn't have been there. That was before anyone knew about sliding into DMs, but that's what happened.

There weren't even DMs. Yeah. How did we contact you? It was Twitter, right? No, this was before Twitter. There weren't even DMs. Yeah. How did we contact? Twitter. It was Twitter, right? No, this was before Twitter. I think it was YouTube messages. That's my memory.

YouTube messages. Damn. And then, yeah, then we did a show at your college and we met up. Yeah. You guys performed at my school. Every woman I had ever met was like, you're hanging out with them after. And I was like, I am hanging out with them after. And then.

Did we hang out after? We did. We made a video. I thought that was before. Was it? I think we made a video before then we hung out after. Okay.

I think we hung out after. All right. There you have it. Either way. We chilled. We chilled. It was very casual. And now if we really look at it,

we're lifelong friends. We are. Accidentally, we're lifelong friends. That's right. I remember I tried to get you to commit my birthday to your memory

because you said I don't remember anyone's birthday. Is it January 15th? That's really close. 13th. 18th. Yes. Yes.

She got it within 180 pounds. But you don't know how many birthdays, right? Zero. So how did I hammer that home? I just kept reminding you. Because it's 15 days after mine which is why i was like 15 15 and then i was it's and i can usually remember like odds and evens

like i knew it wasn't the 14th no of course not that's insane absolutely not the 16th yeah no way well except those are evens you guessed odd and it is an even. It's not. Oh, fuck. But 18 is kind of an odd number. It's an odd even. Like, what? It's like 15 odd plus three, also odd. Because my birthday is January 3rd and I only remember my mom's because it's 20 days after. And then Amir was like, okay, well, mine's 15 days after.

And that made her forget her mom's birthday, which fine for me because that's still a double julia sends you a present every year that's meant for her mom a bunch of times after we had that conversation remember 15 days after 15 days after you would quiz me january 15th so now it's another reinforcement my biannual reinforcement of january 18th. Yeah. I'm going to lock it in at some point. Give me a couple years. Let's take a random guess at mine. Four.

That's pretty good. That's actually really close. The date of the month is really close. Can you guess the month? What do you seem like? That's a really good follow-up. That's a good first message on a dating app. What do you seem like? Ooh, save that.

Um, okay, let's go with September. Ooh, also very close. Ooh, so no. September 4th, August 5th is me. August 5th. But that was like a month late and a day early. Great. And a buck short. August 5th. But that was like a month late and a day early. Great. And a buck short.

Within 180 days. All right. I need a lady's name so we can refer to this lady anonymously. Claire. Claire writes, hello, friends. I'm not so much in a bind, but my problem is this. I have a boyfriend. Guys, girls, to me, it doesn't matter.

But recently, I've recently been working out quite a bit. That's not necessarily bragging. Exes will reach out. Boss hitting on me is like not, yeah, that's not good. Exes reaching out. Random girls on the street. Guys and girls in bars. Good enough. Prick. I mean, this part sounds cool. I love my boyfriend and would never cheat, but I want to know how do you resist temptation when you're in a relationship? How has this affected your past relationships it's all around me and honestly it's getting hard pun intended to resist uh is this something ladies deal with more than guys do you think the fact that you get hit on in public or in private or et cetera? I know for one, like nobody's hitting on me when I'm going to a grocery store.

I don't know. I think it probably depends on the person. There's some people that are just like orbs of like hit on me. And then there's some people that are straight up not. Have you ever experienced cat calling, like random on the street yelling, like drive-by yelling, whether it's you or a friend you're with? Yeah, of course. So what does that feel like? I've experienced it outside your office.

Right here? Yeah, downtown LA. I was kidding about that, by the way. It was you. Yeah, what happens? Take me through an example. Okay, well, I used to live in Hollywood, like right near Hollywood Boulevard. The Times Square of LA.

Which is such a ridiculous statement. It's so small compared to Times Square. Yeah, but it's like the touristy, traffic-y, hot, loud part of LA. If anyone who has been to Times Square comes to Hollywood Boulevard and thinking it will be like that would be so disheartened. Yeah. There is nothing like Times Square in L.A. I mean, downtown has really tall buildings. Yeah, I didn't mean like the size of the buildings.

Right. The quality of being in that area. Yeah. The other tourists who will be there are like the tourists who will be in Times Square, but just like one one-hundredth of them and way less fun things to do. Sure. Because, hey, we all love hanging out in Times Square. There's no M&M's store.

Yeah. Actually, there is. There's a Madame Tussauds on Hollywood and Vine. Anyway, what happens there? And they sell peanut M&M's. It's just the kind of place where you'll be walking and someone will be like where are you going? where are you headed to?

where's the party at? what's up? and then they'll just keep walking behind you and then if you ignore them then maybe they'll do that for like 10 blocks whoa 10 blocks and I used to live right there so I felt like I couldn't go home so I would like zig zag

go to the Muji. That's insane. Look at journals for a long time. Guy right behind you, what are you journaling? What are you going to write? What's going on? I do, I feel like when you,

when you hear catcalling, and I know this is also wrong, but like, so like the, the shithead response is like, well, it's a compliment. Like if I'm walking down the street and somebody yells nice ass, I'm like, thank you. But it's not that. It's straight up somebody asking you what you're doing and where you're going. People are saying, where are you going is the creepiest

thing in the world. It's like, where are you going? Because I'll be there too. If you tell me, I'll also be able to be around. Yeah, invite me somewhere. That's what they're saying. Do you already know that I have the last track on my record is about this? Do you know that already? What is it? It's called Boys. Actually, I read the lyrics before we came up here.

Because shout out to Julia Nunes' jacket on the album, which has the lyrics. So nostalgic for me. It reminds me of my spin doctor cd yeah i want you to be able to like put it on and sit down with your little thing and read along i love it because that's how i did it when i got records what is boys about um well the first line of the song is called this is a song for the boys who follow me down the street i got it i got. And it's basically about how I would love to not have my day ruined, which is like if I am mean to someone, my day is worse. I don't enjoy being mean to someone. And you have to be mean to them.

Well, you have a couple of options. Run the whole gamut of options. Ignoring is one. That doesn't feel great because it goes on for much longer saying something you risk it going very badly you risk them responding very badly because you give them what they want no because you don't give them what they want what they what they want is for you to tell them exactly where you're going yeah tell them you don't have a boyfriend tell them your name and tell them uh that you are smile yeah and smile um i don't i i don't totally understand what they're expecting

but the the response that i have tried is to be like uh no thank you and sometimes they'll just like hit you back with an insult sometimes they'll right I wonder if like half of them are waiting like what they'd rather do is insult you but they're just

like they just want to give you they want that like that opening to do that yeah have you tried here's an idea hit me

like doing a like just a fart noise like a really like inconspicuous one so it seems like a real fart I would love to just turn around and do like a really like inconspicuous one so it seems like a real fart. I would love to just turn around and do like a long like at them.

Yeah. How long? I have really good breath control so I can just really keep it up Even your sample was really long. We'll call that option four. Option four. And then the song on my CD

is like an imaginary world where I sing at them. Oh, I see. Yeah. Where like this is your fantasy. Have you decided like what you're going to do a music video for? Because I can kind of see that happening. Yeah, it's just like rife with music video ideas. I'm not sure what I want to do.

Okay. It turned into like John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John thing, you know? Ooh. Ooh. That was a really problematic song. Really? Yeah, she changed for him. But he also changed for her.

Did he? I thought he was wearing all black, greaser outfit. And that's what love is. No, he was wearing a cardigan. I thought that was earlier in the movie. Anyway, we'll watch Grease later. I think it ends with him wearing a cardigan. She comes and she's in all black.

And then he quickly takes off the cardigan. Thank God we're both in three. So the hotter way to be is this way. All right, we're on the same page. You better shape up. But this lady doesn't seem to be talking about the unwanted cat calling attention. It seems like she's into this attention flirtation situation. She's a walking orb of hit on me, which can be fun.

Do you have anybody like that in your life? An orb? An orb. Do you ever walk around with an orb of hit on me, which can be fun. Do you have anybody like that in your life? An orb? An orb. Do you ever walk around with an orb of hit on me? Yeah, I do. One of my best friends is like a real orb. What's that like? It's great.

She has fun with it. Yeah. She's just like, most of my house right now is single, almost everyone. And we just kind of like walk around and see what happens. And most of the time, one of us is getting hit on. It's pretty. And is it often the orb? Is the orb or me?

Oh, my God. You're an orb. You're an orb. Holy shit. Maybe. I don't know anymore. you're running away from the microphone uh all right so is the but the orb's not in a relationship well i think what's happening here is like this this girl she is she said she's like working out she's like experiencing a glow up

that's right she's getting attention that she wasn't getting before so i understand why it feels good. But does it feel better than being in a relationship? Honestly, it might. I think there's like, if you're enjoying the attention a lot, and it's fine to enjoy the attention and have no intention of following through on any of it. I think it's okay to be a flirt. I'm a little bit of a flirt. So enjoy the attention if it's not your intention.

Yeah. But then also I think that you don't necessarily feel bad about like I am enjoying my newfound attention. And I want to try to like get laid a bunch or like flirt a bunch or make out with strangers. Then like do that just break up with whoever you're with. Yeah. Or maybe the person you're with is okay with that. Whoa. Okay. Okay. But either way person you're with is okay with that. Whoa. Okay. Okay.

But either way you should let the other person know. Right. Yeah. Well yeah conversation is actually a really great indicator. What is her question?

It seems like all she's done is just been like my life is great. I'm in a relationship and when I go out in the world I get to flirt

all the time. How do you resist temptation when you're in a relationship? Oh resist temptation? I did not. I never did so don't do it do as i say yeah do as i say not as as i do okay i have some thoughts that like

sometimes when you're like actively trying not to do something then you're like oh no i'm resisting it's like this feels bad because i'm resisting temptation but if you're just like i'm allowed to do whatever i want you'll probably find that you don't want to fuck most of the people you flirt with am I allowed to swear you can swear you can say that

sorry no I actually really that really that really freaking bothered me just delicately holding his ears for all the people listening

is this what pearl clutching is so sweet in the touching of his ears ooh jake has become a fragile doily um last a thin doily in the wind i'm a doily of a man a snowflake made out of tissue paper oh wow what were you saying you can something about fucking and flirting and if you're holding yourself back and it's like a big deal and it

feels like you're being like uh just like stuffing down anything you want then like everything feels like a forbidden fruit but if you're actually allowed to do whatever you want then like most of the time you don't want those things right you just like flirting i feel like i've also found that people that are like very forward in flirting with me, I'll have fun with that, but that's never ever been who I want to fuck. I want to hook up with people

who are shy. That's more my speed. I'm the opposite of an orb. I'm a black hole. You saw Chernobyl, right? Jake's a nuclear meltdown of a man giving off radiation i'm a core i'm a graphite i'm plutonium 682 uh is there anything we didn't talk about in this world i'm a dosimeter i would just say like enjoy it just enjoy yourself but do you think she'll enjoy it

less if she breaks up and it's like oh now i can be with all these people is there something about the forbidden fruit of it all where oh i'm in a relationship oh this person she breaks up and it's like, oh, now I can be with all these people. Is there something about the forbidden fruit of it all where, oh, I'm in a relationship. Ooh, this person's talking to me. It's extra. Probably. She probably just like wants to feel the like the craziness of it all. And because if she was signal signal, she's signaling to everyone that she's taken. Very good.

Nice recovery. Thank you. signaling to everyone that she's taken very good nice recovery thank you if she was single she would probably be like oh well like none of this none of this is actually what i want right but because she's like made it a forbidden fruit just like let yourself enjoy all of the things i wonder though like that that tracks for me too like she even in addition to liking the attention, I feel like she likes the little delicate dance as well. Right. Like, oh, but what do I do? Like the conflict.

I shouldn't touch this. Right. That's fun too. Playing with fire. Yeah, play with fire. Get burned. We're all young. We're all going to die.

You have a lot of third degree burns on your body. That's right. I have my hair is missing. Again, Chernobyl style style you got to watch this show it's so funny uh all right let's take a break we'll come back and answer some more questions with julia whoo thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards.

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Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty

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Yeah And? Yeah just off the top of my head Advice that I would give to the general public That's right Okay Yes Okay okay yes okay preach preach preach okay um this is this is uh inspired by the last person so i guess it's not that unsolicited but i would say um work out every day it's the best oh that's good

yeah exercise in some way shape or form yeah i've never worked out every day it's the best oh that's good yeah exercise in some way shape or form yeah i've never worked out every day in my life like consistently consistently and now i've been doing it for like two months and i feel 60 days working out every day yeah every day it's crazy you don't have a break you don't take a day off no wow because if i do take a day off then the next day i also take a day off do you know what i mean also take a day off. Do you know what I mean? So you're just a pattern seeker. What kind of exercise are you doing? Is it the same every day?

Is it varied? I belong to a gym and I do hot yoga. So I do like- One of those things. One of those things every day. I've been also on this same tip since I've been living back in New York City. I also, I like, It improves my mood so much. I don't know if you're a morning workout or an afternoon, but I used to be an afternoon workout person.

But I found that I was just waking up and I would be in a bad mood until the end of the day. And I'm really tired when I wake up. I don't want to work out. But if I do something, even if it's just riding my bike over the Williamsburg Bridge, that is like, it drastically improves my mood and it makes my entire day so much better. Yeah. Even if I don't want to do anything at all, there's usually like one thing that I can get myself to do, like a very, very small, small, and then the small, small wakes everything else up and then i can do other stuff yeah by the time you like finished a small small you're like oh i'm not gonna do a small small i'm already at the gym i'll do a tall tall i do that all the time where i'm just like all right like i don't have

the energy to go for like to go to the gym i'm gonna go for like a quick run that's and then like i'll run for a little bit and then i'm like okay okay, now I can, I'll do a long run. Yeah. Also, I think that like varying your exercise is so important because for me, going to the gym and doing the same thing would get so stale and I'd be so bored. LA is really nice because like, if you don't feel like going to the gym, you can just go on like a big hike. Yeah. It's so good. Can't live by the beach.

Oh, see. Do you ever go, do you ever swim in the ocean? Yeah. I like jump in the cold ocean sometimes. Whoa, I've never done that. That's another thing about living with seven people. You guys just jump into the ocean. I can usually get one person. If I'm like in the mood, I can send that group text and be like,

who's leaving with me in the next five minutes to jump in the ocean? Wow, and then what do you do? You run to the ocean, jump in, and run back? Basically, yeah. But then it's the same thing where you're like, all we're going to do is jump in the ocean for a second. And then you like get there, you swim around, you hang out and you talk and then you like go in the ocean again. It's like a whole thing. Yeah. Did you ever go into the ocean in LA? I've been, yeah, a couple of times.

I never jumped into the ocean. You've never jumped into the ocean? Maybe like when I was younger, but like not in the last five years. Really? Yeah. Wow. Do you want to jump in the ocean after this? I don't know.

It's so far away. How about this? We'll take a bum shower in the bidet downstairs. Jesus. So you turn it on the nozzle cleaning setting. Have you done that? Yeah. Well, you've already done that today is the only thing.

You were using it as a water pick. You get a dry bar of soap and just go to town. I think if I ever moved back to LA, I would maybe want to live on the west side. Switch it up. It's weird to me that coming from the east coast, you move all the way to California, the golden coast, and then you're just like, and I'll live 14 miles inland in the hottest part. Yeah. That is interesting but like the we lived in the west side of la for a little bit and like at night it kind of dies down yeah it's very it's like a better

place to live during the day it felt like but i think that for us at that time when it was me and you and marty living together we didn't want to be in a place that died down at night right now i would fucking love to be in a place that dies down at night. Yeah, what do you mean dies down? Like stuff to do? Yeah, like at 10 p.m. it just seemed like every restaurant and bar were already closed. We were in Santa Monica. I think it's different. Or we were in a part of Santa Monica that was a sleepy little town.

But we also didn't have that many friends there. Yeah, so we were constantly hoofing it back east to hang out and then back to santa monica not ideal all right that was good until another one could be jump in the ocean yeah for sure jump in the ocean it's the weird like jumping in the ocean if you have any like weird um universe thoughts inside of your head then jumping in the ocean makes you like, wow, everything's connected. I think that I'll go one generaler and any body of water. I'm a huge fan of just cold water. Dunking yourself in cold water. I went to Katterskill Falls last weekend in upstate New York.

It's a spiritual experience. What are your thoughts on Coldwater Canyon, the street in LA? It's not technically cold water, but it is. If I were rich, I'd have a plunge pool, I think. What's that? It's just like a deep pool that's small and cold, and you could just kind of like jump in it to wake yourself up.

Oh, whoa. Is that an indoor thing or an outdoor thing? I think there's an outdoor thing. I think Tony Robbins has one. That's why I saw that. Yeah, a plunge pool. So it's like a pool that's deeper than a normal pool but also smaller because you don't yeah it's like 10 by 10 you just you just jump into it fully submerged come back and you're like i've plunged i'm cold an adult baptism i'm invigorated you gotta just do shit that invigorates

your ass you know Stop yelling at me. You're so even-keeled. You never get invigorated. That's right. When's the last time you felt invigorated? Probably something basketball-related, like the game six of the finals. Did you watch that? No.

Yeah, it was Raptors at Warriors. I mean, the intensity. I would rather watch Raptors and Warriors fight. Actually fight. Yeah, you would love Jurassic Park. Oh, what's that? All right. Here's a question about a secret crush written by a man.

Let's give this guy a fake name. What do you got? Warrior. That's cool. Nice. Warrior writes, big fan for over 10 years, just now getting into the podcast, and I have a lot of catching up to do. I saw this note on my car underneath my windshield after leaving an ice cream parlor with a number attached to it but no name, and I almost threw it away. The note says, jumping out on a limb here, think you're handsome, too shy to tell you in person.

Okay? It's the opposite of catcalling. I thought it might have been from some girls that were in there while I was inside, but then I realized I had been there before them, so there's no way they knew what I drive. Plus, they seem way younger than me. I'm 26. But I was so curious to know who left this, I decided to text the number. And turns out it was my next-door neighbor. Me and my buddies just got a house two months ago so i

don't know her name yet the thing is my neighbors are a couple with two small children and maybe another girl i've seen two different women there but only one of them a few times but i'm not sure if she's just a friend or what so i'm not sure if i'm texting the mother slash wife with two kids or a single lady around my age i I'm not sure how to move forward on how to find out who I'm texting. Or should I just say screw it and seize the cheese regardless? Ta-da.

Warrior. It's the single woman. You're insane. But what if it's not? It is. It for sure is. How do you know until you text? Oh my God.

I guess in a larger sense, how do you know who's texting? Can you ask or do you just say, let's meet up, and then you throw caution to the wind? I mean, I feel like this would be like a funny flirt to be like, just checking you're not the mom with two kids, right? Is that okay to ask? Or is that a sexy secret admirer ruining situation? Well, if it is the mom, he doesn't want to proceed, I assume. Who knows what this guy's thinking? You don't want to live next to the marriage you're breaking up?

I don't. Is that your other unsolicited advice? Yes. This seems solicited. Okay, here's what you do. If you guys want to pontificate anymore feel free because this is the practical like this one has the right answer is the only thing so I don't want to like mic drop

and give the right answer if you have any more like bits and silly shit send me a selfie that way you can see who it is you could go I assume you're the mom with two kids and i'm so down to ruin your life lol laughing crying emoji um send me this a selfie is kind of

like just a creepy thing you definitely don't want to send that what if you send a selfie first and you hope that they respond oh god that's so cringy i've always wanted to be a father. Oh, that's cool. With a selfie? Yeah. You with the fake baby. That's nice. Because if it is the mom, she'll think that's great. He's already good with kids. All right. What do you think?

Fake baby. Okay. So here's what you actually do. You add the contact. Then you go to Instagram and you do the find people to follow. You sort by contacts. Instagram. Instagram lets you add people based on the people in your contact list in your phone.

Okay. So then you'll be able to see who this person is on their Instagram. But what if they don't have their phone number? What if it's private? What if it doesn't have any? Even if it's private, they'll still have an avatar. Yeah, I don't even know about this function. Yeah.

And what if the avatar is like of a car? It won't be. It won't be of a car. And also, it's the single woman. Then also, I mean, if it's, yeah, it is the single woman. And if the avatar is a weird thing, then you could still just request to follow it, make a Finsta. Also, is there anything wrong with going out with someone if it's a pure blind secret note crush? No.

I went on one of these once. Have you left a note? I went on a date with somebody who left their number on a Jenga piece in a bar. Bomb. And you didn't know who it was. I did not know who it was. I called and I left a message and she texted me the next day and she was like I this I've been getting texts for years and I've never ever I've never gone out with anybody but you're the first

person that called oh oh she's been doing the Jenga piece I think her friend left it as like a joke on this Jenga piece and oh I thought it was a person that knew you and saw you no no it was like it was a bar it was it was a bar that had like a Jenga thing. Oh, I thought it was a person that knew you and saw you. No, no. It was a bar that had a Jenga thing. And it just said, call me for a fun date or something? Right, yeah. For a good time call, like this number. And the weird thing was I was on a date at that bar and

I did it. And the girl I was with was like, you should call, you should call. And I did. And Julie looks disgusted a little bit. No. But anyway, so I went onusted a little bit. No. But anyway, so I went on a completely blind date. No idea what this person looked like. And?

It was a nice date. It was the worst night of my life. No, it was nice. I think it's really nice in this day and age of knowing so much. Being able to completely social media stalk people before you see them to just like go out on a blind date. That doesn't happen anymore. That's a lost thing. Real life things are really, really good.

Okay. So you're saying it's probably the single lady, but either way, just go out with a person and find out. Wait, no, that's not actually my advice. It is. I think I speak for you. Can I say, can I answer for you? I feel like it is generally a great thing to go out on a blind date. And then like if it's your neighbor, as someone who has dated their neighbor, your sense of home is important.

And you just don't want to live in fear of seeing someone, you know, walking outside your door. Dating your neighbor is... It's dangerous. It's like dating a coworker. Yeah. But you could just maybe not respond and then when you see this single woman who lives next to you who definitely left her number on your car,

then you can feel it out. And if it's going to be mad sparks and feel amazing, then maybe try it. But if you see her and it doesn't feel great, I wouldn't pollute your home. I think that the home's already polluted. I think he has to move already.

Uh-oh. He's texting. One note. He's texting with someone he doesn't even know who it is. Next time he sees the single mom, what is he going to do? It's like, I think I'm not texting you, but if I am, here's a knowing smile. Jake is one note away from gone girling, going ghost, moving states at any given time.

It could happen to you. I have so many broken leases. And leases. Broken hearts, broken leases. All right. We got time for one more question. If you do. Okay.

We need another ladies' name. Wait, do we talk about Julia's album? We should do that after the break. That's true. Okay, you want to talk about your album first? How's that? I did an album. I made music.

What's it called and how do people listen to it? It's called Ugh Wow. That's U-G-H-W-O-W, one word. One word. Ugh Wow. Ugh Wow. And it's six songs. It's on Spotify or iTunes or Amazon.

Wherever you listen to music. Wherever you listen to music. We got CDs. When you say, ugh, wow, is that the cadence? Like, ugh, wow. It can be. The reason I did it is because it's like any expression of emotion. Yes, that's true.

I say wow all the time for things that make me sad or happy. Right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

There's like probably one of the most happy songs I've ever written on this record, and then easily the saddest song. Ooh, I can't wait to listen. Easily? The highs and lows. There's some pretty sad songs in old albums. I know. And not even close. Not even close. Far and away. Far and away the saddest song I've ever written.

What's the theme? Give me a taste, a sample. I want to know what's... What's so sad? Yeah. Building a life with someone and being sure that your life was culminating in this deep, deep love. And then being like, oh, nope. Yeah, it going all the way.

Yeah. The song's called Not True. Oh, wow. nope. Yeah. That's not true. The song's called Not True. Oh, wow. There we go. That's universal sadness. You just said it. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Wow. Wow. Oh, wow. It's official. That's crazy. That's crazy. See? Why don't we play?

I have a question. When you perform the saddest song you've ever written does are you desensitized because you've like rehearsed it and played it so much or does it still like send you to a place when you're performing live because i bet like a lot of people in the audience are transported to that place yeah i had a release show uh a week ago and i choked up for sure whoa wow yeah and i'm not even sad about that relationship not existing anymore it's just like uh an emotional thing and then you can like feel like i just am limbic system connected to like 200 people who are all also being sad right dealing with their own not trues and like all of

the people that they're thinking of are different than the person that you wrote the song about but it's all like yeah that's that's some crazy, that's ocean level connection shit. Ocean. Yes. And you guys all jumped in the ocean, right? We all jumped in the, oh my God, I want to do that. I want to have like a beach show and then we all jump in the ocean to cleanse our souls. Oh, that's dope.

You could perform from the top of a little lighthouse tower thing. Yeah. Or not lighthouse, lifeguard, lifeguard check. Yeah, lighthouse tower thing. Yeah. Or not lighthouse. Lifeguard. Lifeguard. Yeah. Lifeguard check. Do you ever jump in when it's dark out or it's usually a daytime thing? I have jumped into the ocean in the dark.

It's not too cold? It is cold. And then when you get out, are you still just cold? You're just kind of like, it's cold, but it's not like, it's just a different way of existing as a human. So it's cold cold but not bad. You feel like you've been dipped in some sort of armor that is cold. Wow.

The plunge pool. I mean, you're from upstate New York. This shit doesn't faze you. I did the polar bear club at camp every summer. Is that a winter camp? No, it's a summer camp. But how the sun comes out and warms the water during the day and then at night the sun is gone and so the water gets cold and so first thing in the morning the

water is cold as you're used to jumping in cold water we're in camp where was the camp i used to go it's on a finger lake and it was a ymca camp it was called camp cory cool big into finger lakes i uh i applied to hobart and williams actually. Did you? Yeah. Me too. Summarily rejected. Well, I got in, so it's okay. Wow. Congrats. Good on you.

Thanks. At the end of the episode, we usually play a, not that we're there yet, but we usually play an outgoing theme song, but maybe we can play one of the songs from your album. Yeah, just play a really sad song at the end of this comedy show. Should we play the saddest one or the happiest one? Or the... You choose. Yeah, you choose which song.

You tell me. I'm going to vote for a happy one. Yeah. Okay, we don't have to say it yet, but think on that while I ask this question. Okay. We need a lady's name. Panaris?

Paris. Pam Paris. Or I thought you said Panaris. Panera? Panera. The sandwich place? Panera. I've never eaten at a Panera. One second. I'm Or I thought you said Panera's. Panera? Panera. The sandwich place? Panera. I've never eaten at a Panera.

One second. I'm just, oh, I'm just, are we, is the show so militant, answer questions, answer questions, or do we just like

fuck around sometimes? Yeah, we fuck around, but you not eating at a Panera doesn't, it doesn't seem like it would lead anywhere fruitful. Well, I was interested if you guys,

What's that? I was just gonna ask if you guys ever had a Panera. Yeah, I've had a sandwich at a fucking Panera. Great. Can we... Yeah. Julia?

This is the best joke of the show. Fine. Julia, have you ever... Have you ever had a Quiznos? Like, what are we doing? No, Panera. We've all had Quiznos. I actually realized I did have Panera once.

But only once. That has to be super rare. Honestly, going once is more interesting than never going. Yeah. One through ten, the least amount of times gone. Gotta be one, right? Yeah. I've gone to Panera the least out of any of us.

Unless Julia's never been. I've been. Awesome. Aren least out of any of us. Unless Julia's never been. I've been. Awesome. Aren't you glad we did this? Yeah. All right, fine. Fuck. I just don't want to validate the behavior.

This episode is absolutely called Panera. Yeah, and it is a sponsored post. All right, go ahead. Pam Panera Paris writes, I've recently gotten back into the Hinge game, and I matched with this very nice, very cute guy. On my hinge profile, it says that I wanted to learn how to surf, so he offered to teach me the first time we hang out. We've made plans to meet up soon, but here's the kicker.

She said, here's the problem. I don't know why I said, here's the kicker. I showed a picture of him to my sister and she told me that he's my cousin's ex-boyfriend. She recognized him from an Instagram, but when we went to look, she had deleted all the pictures of them together. So obviously they're broken up. I only see my cousin a few times a year, and we don't get to catch up much. So I'm not sure how long they were together for, but I think they were kind of serious. So now what?

I know I have to tell this guy that I'm his ex's cousin, but what if he still wants to hang out? I kind of still want to, but I know if it were to go anywhere serious, it could get super weird between my cousin and I. What are your thoughts? I'm in dire straits, and I need your advice. Sincerely, whatever ridiculous name you end up giving me. Which is Paris Panera. Ooh. Would you date a cousin's ex?

No. No. Instant no. And I feel the same. I think my cousins and I are like, you know, we're not best friends for life, but we catch up like once or twice a year. And I just would not want my family things to feel any type of way. Interesting. That's a very adult mature answer.

Jake, you fucked a cousin before, let alone an ex. Okay, knock it off. What? Was that a Le Pen quotidien? I think... Yeah, here's what... My concern with this question is like,

how is she absolutely sure? It's just her sister thought she recognized him based on it on her cousin's instagram yeah talk to your cousin yeah talk to the cousin or talk to the guy no talk to your cousin talk to your cousin yeah go to cousin go to cousin first because then you'll be like cousin could easily be like oh yeah i dated him go for it yeah so you ask for permission if you got permission blessing would you go for it are you still So you ask for permission. If you got permission blessing, would you go for it or are you still too sticky? Well, it's not even permission. It's just like, oh my gosh, isn't this so weird?

So it's A, like an opportunity to connect with your cousin, which like gotta say being connected to family is dope. And if it is totally chill, then you have like nothing to worry about or think about at all. Yeah. I also think there's a decent chance here that your cousin's going to be like, no, that's not my ex. Yeah. Your sister saw one Instagram post four weeks ago and was mistaken. So it's too late.

Lots of men look just the same as each other. Look at Amir and I. So here's the opposite. Now that Amir's got LASIK, we're identical. Did you know I got LASIK? Yeah. Do you know I also did that? Really?

When? Like six years ago. Wow. Three of us sitting in a room with perfect vision, all laser enhanced. Yeah, dude. You too? Yeah. Do you know I also did that? When? Like six years ago. Wow, three of us sitting in a room with perfect vision, all laser enhanced. Yeah, dude. You too? Yeah. Whoa. I was about to say I got it first, but I got it last year.

We are the future. Yeah. Do you like it still? I love it. Yeah. Do you wear glasses ever? For style sometimes I do. Was your eyesight pretty bad?

What was your prescription? Negative 3.5, negative four. Cool. That's like in between what you and I, cause you were like negative seven, right? No, I was around negative three as well. Sorry. We talked about that once. The fact that we had similar prescripts.

Yeah. And then you had LASIK by the time we talked. Probably. Damn. So you've had no like ill effects five years after the fact. No, my vision is still great. And it doesn't really wear off. Like everyone's, the vision, of course, but like the wonder of not wearing glasses anymore.

You still feel it? I still am like. In the shower I can see and during a haircut I can see and all that stuff. Especially at the beach. Oh, my God. Haircuts are like the funniest place because I always used to be like,'s happening yeah let me put my glasses on and a grand reveal of what just happened what are you doing and now you don't have to take the glasses to the plunge yeah there's so many locations did you ever wear contacts i did and then they stopped feeling

good for any length of time like i would put them in and three seconds later, no matter what, how fresh they were or anything, they just felt terrible. Right. Yeah, I can't imagine. I never, I was never going to be able to wear contacts. LASIK was the only solution for me. They were fine for like 10 years and then they got bad.

Interesting. Wait, how does that work though? Because I never saw you with glasses. My vision was like getting bad as I got older. I had like a pretty light prescription. It was like negative 1.7 or something like negative 0.75 or something. Um, but it got to the point where like, I was, I was just like fending it off. Like I don't need glasses. I don't need glasses. And then finally I was like, okay, I need glasses and I can't wear them. That's like your favorite

thing to do is let something get as bad as it can before you do anything about it. I think like I straight up almost, I was like driving at night and I almost died. Like, okay, this is silly. I'm going to pull over and get LASIK right now. You, over there. But like after I got LASIK, I realized how long I had had like just like vaguely shitty eyesight. You did the same thing with your feet. Now you're getting feet surgery. I'm getting feet surgery.

You are? Yeah. Whoa. Let same thing with your feet. Now you're getting feet surgery. I'm getting feet surgery. You are? Yeah. Whoa. Let's talk about that later. We talk about joint things. That's right. That's right. Oh, man.

I was so concerned when you hurt your leg. Oh, I know. Are you still hurting? No. And that's part of why I work out every day is because my knees are like, we can talk about the shape of my body later. But wait, look. Look at how my knee comes in kind of right here.

Do you see? You're also very flexible. You're doing like a, I don't know how to describe this, but your leg is straight up as you sit down. I would fucking love to feel that stretch. I'm so tight. This is as high as I can go. Yeah, you have like no hammies. They're like so loose.

Well, this is another reason I work out every day is because I'm hyper flexible and my knees could, my joints could bend in ways that they really shouldn't because I'm so flexible so I have to strengthen them to support whoa bendy I am oh my gosh that's really interesting contortionist oh my god also I'm single what's catch me on hinge cousins of the world down the street what's up no uh so the order of operations here for this lady is ask your cousin if she says it's fine or if she says that's not actually my ex-boyfriend go for it yeah i wouldn't even say ask your cousin i would say i would just like connect with your cousin like isn't this like funny that my sister thinks that like i'd match with this guy and like my sister thinks that you dated this guy is it him or is it just like haha that? What if she's like, ha ha, yeah, that's him.

Then be like, oh, weird. And if she doesn't give you like a go out with him, then it's done. Right, cancel. Other guys know how to surf. Yeah, other guys are cute. You know, this guy is not a real person yet. You have not met him.

Yes. The idea of him is worth sacrificing your relationship with your family, but it's not in reality. She should go on one date because odds are the date will be bad. And then it's like, uh-oh, got good. No, but then you always have the weird secret with your cousin. Yeah, no, because then you're making it a forbidden fruit

and everyone wants forbidden fruit. Or spend a year with this guy. See what happens. All I'm saying is bring him to the family reunion. Let him get boring. Yeah. At a certain point, one of you will die, and then- And then once you break up with him, actually you and your cousin have way more in common. Yeah, because you could be like, I hate when Kyle taught me how to surf. He was like-

He never taught me how to surf. Really? Yeah, he says he does that with everyone he's serious about. I'm actually back together with Kyle. Are you now? He taught me how to boogie board yesterday. Fuck. Kyle went body surfing

and never came back. All right, Julia, what song are we ending this episode on? Oh my gosh, Do Boys. Boys. Yeah.

Okay. On theme, on brand, on we. What? Never mind. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send it to

ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Julia, the name of the album one more time is? Ugh, wow. Ugh, wow. People can just Google that and your name on Google and find the best way to listen to it. Yes. Or Spotify.

Yes. Or iTunes or Amazon or everything. All the things. Go to your local frigging Radio Shack. They sell CDs. No. Yeah. Go to a Sam Goody or a Tower record.

That's not gonna work out for them. They're gonna be mad that you sent them there. Go to a Borders, the CD section where you can sample CDs. Remember those? Walmart sells discs.

No. I'm 49. Is that alright? Go to Best Buy and use your phone and download Julia's album, right? This is Boys, so you can also just continue listening you'll hear a part of the album right now julia thanks for coming by thanks we'll see

you guys next week bye this is a song for the boys who follow me down the street please do not ruin my day be quiet and be the sweet baby boy I'm not your toy If you want to play Then stay home and enjoy I know you want it Somebody told you it's yours But wooing a woman is more than just opening doors

I hear what you say It's not a fight I walk away That's my right Don't ruin my day Don't ruin my night If I walk away Don't make it a fight

It's a song for the boys who follow me down the street. Please do not ruin my day. Be quiet and be the sweet baby boy. I'm not your toy If you want to play, then stay home and enjoy Lonely little man, do you need a helping hand? Maybe I am that one person who can understand But I have places to be

Sweet, baby boy To see Sweet, baby boy A person who loves me Sweet, baby boy A person who loves me This one would be cause we Are two shots in the night These things are right You aren't exactly my type

This is a song for the boys Who follow me down the street This is a song for the boys who follow me down the street This is a song for the boys who follow me down the street This is a song for the boys who follow me down the street.