Segments - 393: Running Late

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

In this episode we discuss racist mugs, smelly thugs, and gift baskets. For more IF I WERE YOU, check out our Patreon -- Bonus videos every Thursday!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no us guys always get it wrong we ain't got a brain just trying to keep it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Us guys always get it wrong. We ain't got a brain just trying to keep us sane. What are we? Ain't really got it like y'all.

We the type of dude that will check the text twice. Auto-crack, die, never getting wrong. Those two Jews always help with a prob, you know. Send an email in to the greatest show. Jake and Amir always know how to help you out. Never doubt these two motherfuckers acting like they were. You got in on what to do with some Monday blast

with your girlfriend complaining that you come too fast. Shit, well, shoving an edible up your ass, that's fine by them. It's just another college class with Jake and Amir. If I were you, the vice show coming in to your ear. Was that a Little Dicky parody?

It was. Good eye. Good ear. And better nose. I have the best nose of all. You smelled it out. And if you would believe it, I mean, if you can believe it, that was Justin Goncalves, of course. Oh, man.

Just a fucking beast. A behemoth. A titan of the industry. That was a Little dicky parody and he says uh shout out his insta follow me at the best year 96 by the way it's still private but i will accept and maybe follow back whoa maybe a follow back get out of here dude somebody told me recently that setting your uh instead of private could get you more followers because there's like probably 1% to 2% of people on your page are lurking. And if they can't lurk, they'll follow.

I have heard that before. I've heard that. And I think that's kind of interesting. But I just don't, I don't know. I don't care enough. I want to give it a go. i'm dangerously close to 100k followers and if i can squeeze out like another thousand from going private i don't know maybe it's worth it i'm not like i'm not bitter i'm not like mad but i don't i've so i have like

wait like 30 000 less fall 33 000 less followers than you that's not okay i'm not mad but i'm like i'm sad i'm sad and i'm a little pissed at you don't be obviously no it has nothing to do with like me obviously it's just like more people want to i guess see my pictures well that has a lot to do with you then don't say it has nothing to do with you. It has everything. You just made it like every, you made it entirely about you. I want it to be about me is all.

Well, I just. Actually, I have two theories as to why I have more followers than you. Okay. One is cynical and one is natural and organic. Which one do you want first? The cynical... Is the cynical that you're just more famous than I am?

No. Oh, okay. That's true, but it's not what I was going to say. Well, you're an asshole. Go ahead. The fact that my name is Amir leads to a bunch of confused Iranian Persians who accidentally follow me because they think they're following their

friend Amir something else. Okay, I like that. You'll notice at the bottom of every one of my photos devolves into some sort of Farsi chat room with people I assume speaking ill about me because I'm not actually Persian. So here's a question, just before you get into your second reason. If you went private, and then you were getting lots of Persian requests, would you accept them, knowing that it was likely not requesting to follow you for your Hebrew comedy routine? Yes. You would? Okay. you would okay yeah i like the fact that i have like uh a a foolhardy 10 of people following me accidentally all right cool all right so what's the second reason that's more organic i post more that's fair i post more pictures of me joke stories i'm more active on Instagram, so I deserve more followers on there. I don't think you deserve more followers.

I post really high-quality content. What's that? It's few and far between, but each post is meticulously crafted, entirely thought out, mapped, planned for months in advance. You're too you're getting you're getting the highest caliber of content from me whereas you're way out of story huh yeah the more you post the more people share the more people talk the more followers you get i'm gonna change my name to a the name of a farsi queen and see if it does anything for me. Yeah. Like, I don't know, Giselle. G-I-Z-E-L.

See if that's available. All right. Whatever. Let's record this podcast. I only have like five minutes today. So let's just get out of the way. What? You only have five minutes?

These episodes take 45. Yeah. I know. I have to, I honestly have to jet now. but I'm doing you a solid because I'm late. I'm late for... I'm supposed to meet Jill and her family. Where? I'm meeting Jill and her family at a restaurant in Midtown.

You're disappointing everybody. It's Jill's... Yeah, it's Jill's dad's birthday. All right. All right. I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you you're either gonna be late to them or you're well i'm already late so that's why i really have to jet in five already late yeah you scheduled a podcast for when you were going to be needed to

be somewhere else that's obviously bad i know i'm i'm burning the candle at both ends to be sure but i didn't think that i would i think you can arrive fashionably late to a four-person dinner and that's kind of fine a four-person dinner no you're 25 of the wedding party are you showered are you ready to go like as soon as we stop you're gonna be able to like head over yes i'm ready i'm my shoes are on i'm ready to go i have to i have to do my hair and change but i'm yeah i'm like i'm mostly ready and i just have shoes are on but you have to do my hair and change but I'm yeah I'm like I'm mostly ready and I just have shoes are on but you have to change I have to change because I'm not wearing an outfit that I can wear to to this dinner because it's are you showered I haven't showered but I don't need to shower yes you do I'll just okay so I have to then I really have to jet in like two minutes

you really had to jet before we got started. You really had to jet. Right now you're sort of committed. Yeah, now we're recording. So I have five minutes max. Let's try to bang out one question. And then I really should be at this. We're not banging anything out.

This was a hard reservation to get. Jill got this reservation six weeks ago. I confirmed. hard reservation you get jill got this reservation six weeks ago six weeks ago i confirmed she re she she like reconfirmed yeah double check she knows you were likely to do something like this yeah she's texting now hold on of course where are you so i have to um all right just let me fire off a quick text what are you gonna tell her i said on the subway platform on the subway platform sorry amir was being a real diva today so i was being a diva that's why you're on a subway platform she knew i had to record a podcast and she said that just i should do it earlier yeah because i promised that i was going to be at this dinner i was supposed to pick

up the present that she got her dad which i still have to do. Oh my god. I have to absolutely jet soon because You're a poor husband to her. This dinner I have to be at. I'm supposed to be at 10 minutes ago with a present. Yeah, having had. Having had. Having had a gift. So let's get this out of the way.

Alright, well let's get into it then. This is If I Were You. Advice show, only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. She's fucking calling me. Of course. I'm Amir. I'm Josh.

You're not. You're not. You're on the phone. Holy shit, you picked up. I'm going to have to answer it sooner or later. All right, let's go. Let's get it done.

All right, this is a question, as always, real questions, real people. Send them on down to a fireyshow at gmail.com. This one we got just last week is a 25-year-old white guy. Okay. You got a name for a 25-year-old white guy? Todd. That's good. Todd writes, I'm a 25-year-old white guy? Todd. That's good. Todd writes, I'm a 25-year-old white guy.

I promise this is relevant. Currently at an MBA program down in San Diego. I got this summer internship at this real estate development office through one of my executives here. The people I work with are a bit more conservative

than the people I worked with when I was living in Portland. So maybe I'm overreacting. But for the past two days, there's been a mug in the kitchen that says, no hoblo fucktardo. Jesus. Really strange. Yeah. There's a decent amount of construction on our floor since I started. and most of the workers are Hispanic. I don't know whose mug it is. I've been here for three weeks now, and I don't think anyone here would be the type to own a mug like this. However, I could be wrong. They're generally

middle-aged white men and women, so who knows? I'm not really sure what to do here. I feel like it's my duty as the intern to do slash say something since I won't be here in a couple months and I don't plan on working here when I graduate next year. Hopefully you can shed some light on what one should do in terms of standing up for human rights as the new guy in the office. Thanks. Love, Todd. Interesting. So he wants to stand up. He's not saying like should I. He's not saying, like, should I?

He's like, I think I should. He wants to, and he wants our help. Yeah, yeah. He wants to know what to do as some sort of social justice vigilante. As a vigilante hero. Yeah. No hoblo fucktardo. Speaking of vigilantes, I feel like this is something that John Wolfe is known to do to sow discord in an office. He'll get an offensive mug.

He'll get an offensive mug. Which is legal, right? Which is legal. You can pick them up on Canal Street. You can order them online. There are mean mugs out there. The world was made with Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, is an example of a homophobic mug. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah.

And he would pick up something like that and just leave it in the kitchen. A common area. In the company kitchen, like a common area. And that's not because he's racist or homophobic. He just knows he likes chaos, obviously, and he'll sow discord. Yeah, he often sows discord yeah so i think first and foremost you have to be certain that this is not a john wolf type vigilante prank yeah and then okay so this this specific mug no hoblo fuck tardo no hablo not sure that that's a fucking gringo an anti-spanish that is that a speak english or go home to situation i honestly don't know it's like either offensive

to hispanic people or to uh like mentally disabled or handicapped people because like the fact that it's no hablo means like it seems like spanish specific that's the one right do you know but i think but i think it's like i don't speak stupid i i think that that's what the mug means right like right i know i don't understand moron yeah but in spanish for some reason but is it's not i don't feel like it's calling spanish that slur i don't know it's definitely it's there's there's enough gray area here to make this mug not worth drinking your coffee out of you can just have like a plain mug yeah the question is is noablo like specifically spanish or is it like common language at this point where it's like hasta la vista fuck tardo you wouldn't necessarily think that that's a spanish specific slur it's just like it's common language at this point

i would i would i would think that the fuck tardo is the offensive phrase here like that's the name of the like i i mean i can see like somebody speaking spanish and then like a closed minded white American saying no ablo fuck tardo to him. Right. That's true. And then like giggling about it, getting the mug for it. Is anyone in your office wearing a Make America Great Again hat? That's a good question. That's a good, you know, try to survey that.

Well, that's the thing. Like he doesn't want to like let this be a slippery slope. Right. But again, he's saying he's leaving soon. So maybe if you don't want to like ruffle any feathers, last day you steal the mug. I would say I think you break the mug and then you write a company wide email that says, hey, Todd, the intern here, I had a mishap in the kitchen and I sadly broke someone's mug. It said, no Pablo, fuck Tardo on it.

It read. So if this is your mug, please reply all so we know who you are. I'll buy you a less offensive mug, smiley face. And then like, since everyone is in it together, it's this like, I am Spartacus situation where everybody starts replying all, taking ownership and onus over the mug.

Right, well, I guess that's when you know you have to quit. But like, what if this is, I feel like an internship, you can be the vigilante you can leave since you don't oh you don't want to work there but like you still might want to reference like your next job might want to um call your boss and yeah i guess so you don't want to do anything too too crazy but i don't think it's that crazy to like just say hey this mug offends me sorry sorry not sorry yeah so would you steal the mug break the mug uh do nothing about the mug i think break the mug i guess i personally would throw the mug away

and never say anything about it oh i see Because whoever bought that mug kind of has a, it's like right morally for them to like, sort of have that as like a nagging thing at them for the rest of their life. Like, what happened to my mug? Where did it go? Like, that'll be just a question that hangs over them and they'll never know the answer it's the guy that shows up in a no hablo fuck tardo shirt i guess you'll be able to figure it

out someone will write a press had a two-for-one deal god what if the person writes an all email it's like hey someone did anyone take my favorite mug uh It was a red mug and it said no hablo fuck tardo on it. Yeah, I also had a mug that said no hablo fuck tardo. I have a mug like that, but I keep it at my house. Mine's a pint glass. I have a mug like that, but it's a thermos. I have a swell bottle that says no hablo fuck tardo, but I don't think I brought it to work that day. Yeah, throw it away

toss it here's another question from a an office space all right well i said one question because i really have to get out of here now it's it can't stress enough how little time it's been it's been like a little over 15 minutes well i do just want to quickly answer this because jules called me three times just one second We can edit this. Let's just edit this part out of the podcast. Hold on. Yeah. Hey, baby.

Oh, my God. No, I know. I'm on the subway. I got really sick. And I just, yeah, I threw up on the train. But I'm okay. I'm okay now. I'm good.

Pathological prick. I'm actually, I'm going to get a taxi. So I'll be there in five minutes. Don't say that. You're lying. Yeah. No, no, no. Don't order without me because I want to.

Oh my God, you selfish ass. Don't order. All right. I love you so much. I'll be there in five minutes. Oh my God. You're already lying. Just say you can't come.

I did get the present. Don't worry. I got the present. He's going to love it. All right. I love you so much i'll be there in five oh my god you're already lying just say you can't come i did get the present don't worry if i got the present he's gonna love it all right i love you bye all right let's let's fart out one more question no we're not gonna fart anything your lies are so easily traceable they're gonna be proven wrong very quickly don't say you're gonna be there in five minutes don't say don't order without me. Well, you're going to be pissed if I'm not there in five minutes. So what do you want me to do? Have her yell at me on the phone? No. Just say, if you're going to lie, just say I puked.

I don't feel well. I'm going to stay at home. Well, I want to get there for dinner because I think it's going to be really tasty. And I think it'll be a nice time. It will be a nice time because you're not dressed. You haven't showered. You're 45 minutes away. I don't need to shower.

I really don't need to shower. I went on like a run, but I'm not even that sweaty. So I need to change out of my running, my gym clothes, and then I just need to get on the... Maybe I'll call an Uber because I'll... To Midtown right now in an Uber is is only like 40 minutes so yeah all right let's do it we really got to get this question answered so i can jet all right you know what let's take a break we'll uh thank some sponsors while you sort this shit out then we'll answer some more questions after that's great but let's take a really quick break all right fine quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson. It's a fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

Woo. No, I don't. Neither do you. Woo. No, I don't. Neither do you. So let's keep the show moving. Yeah, I was going to say like a shower right after workout might be a good one. You don't want to just sit around in your sweat sometimes. Yeah. Well, I had to do that today because I went to the gym.

I went on a run and then I had to jump on this podcast before like often times you let that sweat dry and I think that's when like the problems arise you know in terms of odor and pores getting clogged you really want to like one sec I gotta take this oh no

hey baby no I'm feeling a lot better you don't sound it I'm in a cab you're obviously'm in a cab i'm in a cab you're not you're obviously not in a cab i'm pulling i'm on 48th and park i'm two blocks away oh my god it's two blocks away baby yeah don't worry don't worry she's gonna know because i need to look at the menu that's why holy shit all right i love you bye okay sorry i got a little short i got a little short with her

at the end there yes why are you apologizing to me you got short with her you're telling her not to order you're still 45 minutes away from well i'm i'm just worried because i want to be able to see what the specials are and stuff yeah just don't worry and it's not like that like i'm just pissed too because like the waiter there is like obviously rushing them because they have

there's like another reservation because like we're like half an hour into this one and they're like well you need to you guys have to order

so we can get the other reservations on time but like they should plan for that this kind of stuff to happen

and it's not my fault yeah they should plan for one of the people being a complete asshole arriving over an hour late. Oh, real nice. I'm an asshole. Yes. I'm an asshole. I told you I had to go in a minute when we

started recording. Yeah. I said I had to go. I said I had to jet when we started recording. Right. And you kept me on the horn for near half an hour and now I'm late. I was already late when we started, and I'm now even more late.

All right. Another workplace question is what I was saying. I need a girl's name. Okay, let's get it done. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We just have to record. We have to finish, so it doesn't matter.

Let's just unname this person. No name. Talking faster won't get us to the 45-minute mark. Fucking Daphne. We have to finish, so it doesn't matter. Let's just unname this person. No name. Talking faster won't get us to the 45-minute mark. Fine, fucking Daphne. Fine. It's fucking Daphne. Daphne writes. What?

Fucking Daphne writes. Go, go, go, go, go. This isn't like a distance thing where we're trying to finish a race fast. We're going to go for another 20 minutes regardless of how many questions we get through. Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah. Oh, my God.

You told Jill you were two blocks away. Yeah, I wish I hadn't done that. Of course. Because now I'm going to get caught in my fucking web of lies. Yeah. Yes. That's what I've been saying from the beginning. Okay. I'll figure something out i can i can get myself out of this jam don't worry okay all right daphne writes i'm

in a stinky situation i just started a new job as an administrative assistant and my desk is near the front door which is great but it's also near a single-person bathroom for everyone upstairs. I don't think this is a problem until the first person came out and left the door open, and I got a waft of that poop-slash-fabris smell we all know and love. It's getting worse, though. Everyone here poops and leaves the door wide open

for it to air out, and the smell comes right to my desk. I can't light a candle at my desk, and I don't want to spray my own Febreze every time someone comes out because they'd feel embarrassed. So what can I do to alleviate my nose and make this job seem not so, quote, shitty?

Huh. Hum, hum, hum. It's tough because you're the new person there. You don't want to be like, can I move desks already? smells like shit yeah what i mean geez but like that's just that's offensive it's on it's unacceptable it's no way to live your life it's just like inhaling shit and febreze yeah i don't yeah maybe you could ask about just like moving your desk away i think you can ask you don't have to say why you could or you could say i just want to be she's the administrative assistant maybe she's like greeting people as they enter her desk is at the front

there's maybe something you could do to the bathroom like what's what's the deal there is there a fan it sounds like there might not be if people are leaving or opening the door to air it out yeah what about uh what about a stick that pushes the door closed every time somebody leaves yeah that's that's interesting a stick yeah so you got the stick so as everyone leaves you take the stick. So as everyone leaves, you take the stick out, and then you're like, eh. And then you sort of jam the door closed, you know? Yeah, that's not a bad idea to have a stick that'll shut the door, or like a pole or a rod. Yeah.

Having a stick, a pole, a rod, a stinky stick, that's nice. Yeah. A dowel. And when people ask you what it is, you're like, oh, this is my stinky stick. Whenever someone takes a fat shit and doesn't close the the door i get to close it with my stinky stick right i could even if i if my stinky stick were another foot longer i could flush the toilet for you and wipe your ass too but then i worry that you become instead of the administrative assistant you just sort of come become like a more of a custodian that you're you're just focused on on the bathroom and people's shitting habits yeah i feel like to do your best

work you need to rid yourself of this problem not double down on like solving it every time someone shits you know yeah this has to be dealt with and disposed of much like shit itself. What about those little, Oh, what about poo-pourri? We got that at the office and it kind of worked a big book of matches. I really think there has to be more, there, there needs to be more options inside the bathroom for the people shitting. That's, the root of this problem is for me. So you go straight to the source. You get the Poo-Pourri, which is the spray that you spray the toilet water surface.

And when the shit goes in there, it sort of creates a seal that doesn't allow the aroma to come out. Yeah. Maybe you just like make a little poop smelling basket for people in the bathroom. That's a one-time activity. And you're like, like, make a little poop-smelling basket for people in the bathroom. That's a one-time activity, and you're like, everyone, please use this. Or, like, yeah, you know, that's all you got to do.

That's all you can do. Matches, poopery, some of those, like, little oil, those, like, little sticks in the oil that smell nice. Well, yeah, the poop sticks, the shit sticks that I was talking about. Yeah, it's another term of the shit stick. And then I think the other idea is maybe you angle your desk away from the bathroom. I don't know how close you are to the bathroom, but if there's a different angle you could sit at, so the smell is hitting the back of your head instead of the front of your face, that might be a little better. Are smells like that though?

Smells feel like more like a cloud that permeate, not like a laser that shoots. Like you can't turn your back on a smell. Right. But you can kind of like escape a smell by like putting your nose into your shirt or something. What about you can never turn your back on a smell i'm just thinking about like a catch phrase or like a an idea or an emotion to tap into in terms of being like a a febreze or almost like a what's it called when you have like something in your car like the uh the tree that you hang in the mirror freshener freshener? Yeah, like an air freshener.

You want to get into smelling slogans and you couldn't come up with the words air freshener? Yeah, like what's it called? I just don't think you're there. I don't think you're there. You're not ready. So imagine this. A mother and a daughter are grocery shopping. She's stressed.

We start in on a close-up of the shopping cart nipping at the back of her heels. Ah, we've all been there before, right? Sorry, this is a commercial about smelling and a shoppingills loose quinoa everywhere in the parking lot. People are honking at her. It's hot. The daughter, as a goof, just keeps running in that fucking shopping cart into her heels, right? Is it, okay.

So it's not a mistake. She has a malicious daughter now. It's a newly resurfaced blacktop. Sorry, don't interrupt me. It's a newly resurfaced blacktop. Don't interrupt. Is this a pitch now or a brainstorm? I didn't can you not can you stop talking there's heat waves coming out of the asshole it's so hot it's like a desert oasis she finally gets into her car after picking

up the loose quinoa which is nearly impossible by the way those things are so small do you have any idea how small like loose dry quinoa is spilled out onto a parking lot you told me not to talk to you i mean you're asking sorry don't interrupt me not to talk to you. I mean, you're asking. Sorry, don't interrupt me. And then you enter, you enter the car and she sees, boom, we rack focus from her nose to the air freshener. And over black or maybe like a really dark blue, we see the text. What?

Sorry, can you not interrupt? We see the text. What was it again? Of course. Of course you already forgot. You want to shoot a commercial where someone spends the entirety of it picking up loose quinoa from the

hot asphalt. You couldn't even remember the dumb slogan you came up with. You want to put it over a blue screen? You can't. You'll never forget your first shit stick. That was so far from what the original idea was so far you can't turn your back on a smell is what you said then you pitched a commercial where some woman's daughter runs over her leg with a shopping cart she picks

up quinoa and perfect no it's not i'm feeling like draperish it's you've brought no one to tears it's so stupid i don't even know what you're trying to sell oh uh camry toyota camry toyota camrys with you can't turn your back on his smell yeah well it's a conjuring an image of like a terrible terrible day it's a december to remember sales event hmm it's a december to remember sales event it's a december to remember sales event actually so that's why it's a car commercial so you're not even pitching a commercial you're pitching a sale yeah just so it starts off with like 100 200 for the car and then like we'll go up from there until people stop buying them. Draper never pitched sale ideas, coupons.

Like pricing? He doesn't pitch pricing. Yeah, we're a complete soup-to-nuts digital ad agency. So we'll do pricing, logos, taglines, commercials, whatever. Jingles. Sorry, quickly on the pricing front, because I do want to get to jingles. What you're quickly on your on on the pricing front because i do want to get to jingles what was the pricing for the toyota we started 100 and then we add a dollar to every car sold until people stop buying them okay so the first toyota i could buy for a hundred

dollars yeah and then the next one would be 101 right and then 102 103 until you reach whatever sticker price is okay and that's when people these manufacturers are losing tens of thousands of dollars on a car with that price point yeah at the front but then in the back end you start making it back

when people start buying Toyotas for 50, 60, 70 thousand dollars which no they'll only do that up to a point no one will buy a toyota for 70 000 it's it stops being a sale it starts being a huge markup on on a mid-class car okay okay okay relax okay so so you can't do the pricing let's hear the jingle well now you're all in my head about this shit. But I was thinking of like, so, like, I'm not even like that musically talented.

No, you're not. You're not musically talented at all. You're also bad at setting the price and coming up with the commercials. But let's hear the jingle. Because you said your soup soup to nuts ad agency does jingles toyota toyota i'm loving it okay so you mispronounced first of all bad voice terrible singing voice you mispronounced the name of the company toyota and then you said i'm loving it which you stole from mcdonald's

i didn't i mean stole i stole a car i didn't steal a jingle sorry you stole a car i took a car when i took my mom's fucking car as research. Okay. As research for how to sell a Toyota and set pricing. You stole your mom's car. Oh my God. Stole. You said stole.

You said took. She asked me to move it to the driveway. I took it for a year. You're a bad son and you're a bad executive. Don Draper doesn't do this. But Dick Whitman does. He sure does. Sorry, I have to take a call.

Oh, my God. Hang on one second. Yeah. I'm sorry, baby. I got in a car accident. Oh, shit. I was two blocks away. Liar.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was crazy. No, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm going to be there in... I'm just... I have to hoof it, so I'll be there in 30 seconds.

I'll be there in 30 seconds. Please don't order. Liar. Instantly prove a liar. Please don't order. Or if you really need to order, text me a picture of the specials or text me the specials. But I'll be there... Honestly, just don't even order because I'll...

We're moving sorry we'll i'll be there in 30 seconds 30 seconds i'm hoofing it now she's gonna know she's gonna love you so much i love you so much nice all right i bought myself not much time but no not much time 30 seconds is what you bought yourself. Any little bit helps. So, let's close out this biast. Yeah, this is a question from another dude. Any ideas for a name? Let's... Yeah, no, I'm...

Freaking Chad' Chad. Chad. Whatever gets it done. I just have to, I have to be in Midtown an hour and a half ago. So. Yep. Whatever gets it done. Here comes Chad.

Uh, uh, this bachelor has finally settled down and found someone he truly likes. Here's some context. We've been dating for four months, and she said I love you for the first time a few days ago. So I'd say things are going well. She goes out of her way for me in a lot of ways, like bringing me meds when I'm sick, being my chauffeur around town. However, we both had our birthday this month, which are two days apart. I went all out

and booked us an Airbnb for the weekend, planned activities, got her a portrait of her dog. I paid for everything and it ended up being a $300 weekend. Her gift to me was a gift basket. Maybe $50 worth of items. I'm not someone who

wants the equivalent gift such as $300 worth of items, but come on. I'm not someone who wants the equivalent gift such as $300 worth of items, but come on! I was slightly annoyed, but didn't get really pissed until I found out she is currently broke because she overdrew her account. The reason? She spent $300 on

clothes this month on herself. That's right, she is a shopping addict and buys herself everything. She said she almost got me a shirt, but it was $20 and too expensive. Are you fucking kidding me? You need three body suits but can't get a damn shirt for my birthday? Am I being dramatic here? I feel like this was super selfish and she could have gotten me a little more

instead of putting herself first and spending so much so as to overdraw her account she definitely has a problem let me know and i appreciate any advice you can give seize the cheese seize the cheese indeed does he want our advice it sounds like he came to his own conclusion he's mad at her she has a problem all right. She got a gift basket, and it should have been a shirt in addition to the basket. Yeah. I want a shirt in a basket. I want a tisket, a tasket, and I want a gift basket. What's a gift basket?

What do you think's in that for a birthday? A birthday gift basket? I would say— A candle and a summer sausage. No, it's got to be like i i would hope it's at the very least i hope it was like she made it so it's like oh this guy he loves he loves uh famous amos cookies so there's some cookies in there and oh that's nice uh yeah baseball hat and like a framed picture of them uh i i feel like it's mostly like food and little stuff,

inside jokes, you know? Yeah. You want it to be a thoughtful gift basket. You don't want it to just be a regular gift basket. So number one, I'd look at that. If she put thought and time into it, then it actually is a good gift, even though you don't think the money adds up.

Two, I feel like the problem is not that she didn't spend enough money on you or that she's a shopper. I mean, it sounds like you guys don't have a lot of money, so you guys shouldn't stress about getting each other gifts. Yeah, she's overdrawing. It seems like there's two issues here. One, you're sad that she didn't give you a gift commensurate with your own. And two,

you're think that she has some sort of spending issues like financial irresponsibilities. Which financial irresponsibility is maybe, that's definitely more valid because it's not good to overdraw your account. And if you want to spend a long time with somebody, you do want to learn what their spending habits are and where where their values in that sense lies that's like one of the things that uh jill and i had to talk about before we got married but i don't think that like stacking up what you got her versus what she got you is very healthy or fair

the other thing i would mention he's like everybody has different love languages you know this right oh yeah like gifts acts of service physical affection yep and it sounds like she maybe gives you acts of service i.e driving you your medic driving you around town and hand delivering your medication. So like she does shit for you. She says she loves you. And she's proving it in certain ways but you think she hasn't proved it with her

gift giving which I think as long as she's doing the other stuff that's fine. Yeah. Don't worry too much about how much money she spent on you. Yes. If you didn't like the basket I just don't think it's ever good to be like, I didn't like what you got me for my birthday. Yeah.

You never want to be mad at a gift. The fact that you got a gift is good. Yeah. I think you should worry about the gift that you need to give. Jill's father is it? Yeah. So he has this cool old watch that never worked and uh jillian and i had this nice idea um she like took it from his jewelry box and we brought it to this like

watchmaker in um in lower manhattan and he said he could fix it um yeah and i was supposed to pick it up and i have so actually the thing is i was also supposed to fuck i was supposed to pick it up. And I have, so actually, the thing is, I was also supposed to, fuck, I was supposed to drop it off there last week, because otherwise he's not even going to, yeah, so this watchmaker, I don't know how long it takes to fix a watch, but I was supposed to give it to him two weeks ago. Yeah.

But yeah, we chatted on the phone, and he said he can fix it. I just have to get it to him you realize you're getting further and further away from this dinner and you're lying about being closer and closer to the dinner you really need two weeks excuse me are you talking to me or you're on the phone again no i was i sorry i'm just a little distracted because i'm looking up how to get to this fucking watchmaker because i have to i can't show up empty-handed is the thing you can't show up you told her you were soaking wet uh getting honked at afraid crying yeah that was like 10 minutes ago you said you were 30 seconds

away how many missed calls do you have at this point i have 14 missed calls but they're not all they're not all from jill is what i'm gonna say don't say don't say yeah yeah i have 14 missed calls, but they're not all from Jill, is what I'm going to say. Don't say, yeah, yeah. I have 14 missed calls. How many are from Jill? 10 are from Jill and 2 are from her dad. That's still 12. 2 are from her mom. Got it.

God. They're all from dinner. Who are you, AT&T? You need to look at my phone bill or something? No, I don't care about your fucking phone bill. The guy at it. The watch shop is closed. Great.

Good job. Good job, Blumenfeld. You kept me on the fucking podcast for 45 freaking minutes, and it closed. That's a normal amount of time to do a show. So now I'm showing up empty-handed to this dinner. I wanted to record at 5, and you said, actually, can we push to 6? I'm running late. And then at 6, you said, hold on a second.

I'm too busy, Django. Let's record at 6. I'm running late. I had to go on a run. Don't just be like, oh, Jake is late to shit. I was not late to shit. I had a plan. I was exercising.

No one to blame but yourself i was exercising really so i can't i can't exercise i have to be at your beck and call to record a podcast no i was exercising so i said let's record the podcast later and now i had five minutes to do the podcast and you made me fucking stretch it out to where we're closing in on nearly 50 freaking minutes and now i'm late to dinner and the watch shop is closed. So I'm showing up empty handed to this dinner. And honestly, I wonder if I'll even get to eat because Jill just texted that they did order. Of course you're not going to be able to eat. They did order.

If you're worried about being able to eat, you're not going to be able to eat. You're not going to be able to eat. Okay. Let's just end this show quickly so I can I can get there I'm I'm going to try to text that's our time

if you've got your own questions or theme songs send them to ifireeshow at gmail.com opening one written by Justin Goncalves as usual and this closing one is written by Thomas Meskill who makes music under the name AP Macroeconomics. Very cool. Wow.

He weird-owled myself and parodied a song of himself called Flower Child. Hope we like it. So thanks, Thomas. I'm sure we will. And thanks, Justin. Thanks to you guys for listening. Of course, we'll be back next week. We're always back next week.

Every week. Now, I'm just going quickly call jill um we can but we can stop recording fine stop recording oh hi yeah you ordered okay oh my god can you explain why you ordered when i'm standing outside the restaurant trying to get in? Trying to get in. You don't know how a fucking door works. I can't find the door, babe. That's why I'm late.

This restaurant that you chose, I feel like it's the skull and bones. I can't get in. Okay, I'm outside. You're not. I can't believe you ordered. You're not. I can't believe you ordered. All right, I'll be right not. I can't believe you ordered. You're not. I can't believe you ordered. All right.

All right, I'll be right in. I found the door. Jake and Amir have advice that you should hear. One's a nerd, one is fun, one cool dude and one chipmunk. If I were you, here is what they would do. Might be dumb, won't be right, but Jake will get the gold in mine. Listen to if I were you. that was a hate gun podcast