Segments - 394: Jake's Birthday Barty

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

In this episode we discuss Jake's 34th birthday, Amir's music career, and breaking the law in very small ways.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon -- bonus video episodes every Thursday!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Jake and Meg, can you help me please? I need to see such ease. And all my friends hate me and I don't have any money. Help me out somehow If I were you If I were you

Saw us now Whoa. Yeah. It's a folksy, short, little, kind of sad ditty. It really made, it gave me the feels. Did you catch the feels from it? Yeah, I was afraid to catch feels, but I was like, if I were you,

if I were you, starts now. Your voice is amazing. Really? Have you ever thought of becoming a singer? I mean, pretty casually, because I'm not really good.

Oh, my goodness. Not really good. No, that's awesome. I feel like your singing voice is dope. It's perfect. I wouldn't change anything. But what do you think about, because I feel like part of it is having a great voice, and then the other part is being a songwriter and having a story to tell with your words and your poetry and i just don't know if you've thought about no yeah like because

you having a like having a story yeah like having a story because you said you only thought about possibly being a singer and i feel like i yeah you thought i sucked at singing but i have like a lot of like theories and lessons and shit to talk about if it ever came up to the point where i became a good singer like about love and life and stuff yeah like about whatever and stuff like i have like i feel like i've lived enough to finally get to the point where i know what to sing about that's really important because i feel like to be a singer you have to have you have to have conviction in your story and your art form and it's not just about having an awesome voice which obviously we've already established that you so like one song i can think about would be like about how sometimes like you can't really fully understand why you love something, but you do. So it'd be like,

I love this thing, but I can't quite get why I can't quite get why I love it. So I don't know why I love this thigh. So it'd be like about loving a thigh. I don't know. Well, I feel like that's, if you're open to like constructive

feedback that just feels like a little bit on the nose because like what you said loving something and not understanding why is like that's a cool universal thing feeling yeah but then when you sang a sample verse you were just like i love this thing and i don't understand why why so it would have to be like i'm sorry shut up for a second i have to be like i'm trying out don't tell me to shut up i'm trying out one second one second i'm trying to think i'm trying to think so it'd be like you're acting manic you don't have to it's not like a there's not like a deadline here we could just have like a casual conversation you're okay i'm trying to think shut the fuck up for like a fucking second um because you you help but then you're like you keep fucking

talking um well what did you say again do you want to know or do you it feels like you're you're telling me to shut up so you can think but then i'm talking to myself you fucking jackass once yeah when i'm not talking you just start like kind of laying into me which i feel like isn't constructive either trying to i'm trying to think like, okay, okay, okay. So check this out. Ready? Yeah. Tell me if you like this.

Okay. But don't be like, I like it that. All right. Ready? Do you want me to tell you if I like it or do you just want me to tell you that I like it? Tell me that you like it. All right. Ready?

Okay. When I woke today, I saw a thing that I considered pretty good when I woke today I saw a thing that I thought that I would oh I think I love you you little thigh I really think I love this thigh. I love it so much. I can't quite get why I don't really love it. I can't quite understand why I shove it. So you want me to tell you that I like that? That's what you need? Tell me what you thought.

Well, you said, tell me what you think, but don't say, like, I like it, but. And then you made fun of the way I offer critiques. So I just want to be sure that you want, like, actual feedback. Because there are parts of that song that I really liked. Which parts? like actual feedback because there are there are parts of that song that i really liked which parts i like i like kind of how you like blended um genre you sort of went from like bob dylan to marilyn manson i think that's like what yeah you i mean you're like when i whoa and then by the end i like this thigh i get like i don't even think of it as like Bob Dylan or Marilyn Manson. Like, if anything, they bit me.

But sure, as long as you like it, that's good. I just want you to have, because like, I think we can crack this. And I think you can really make it as a musician. But I think what's not helping is your attitude, unfortunately. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because like, I compare you to Bob Dylan, one of the greatest songwriters of our time he's okay and you and you reject that and say that he bit you and i just feel like no yeah sorry you would are what do you want to say because you're saying no

did you not say that yeah no no sorry continue okay and the other thing just just for you know not for nothing but like it felt like we had a song, you know, like your I love this thing and I don't know why. And I wasn't saying like, let's abandon this premise entirely. But you just wanted to, as soon as I had like a piece of feedback, you were like, okay, fuck it, new song. But that's not like, we're not going to get anywhere just like coming up with a brand new song every time we like we have a little bit of constructive criticism right right okay okay i'm gonna let's talk about this offline but i'll send you some lyrics i have like i've got like dozens of pages handwritten that i can scan and send to you you have dozens of pages you said you only passively thought about becoming a musician.

No, like since we started talking, I've been like jotting shit down. Were you listening to any of my feedback just now? Hold on one second. Okay. How do you spell cashmere? It doesn't... All right. A woolen fucking sheep's clothing. Yeah.

All right. I got something for you. Ready? Yeah. Are you going to send it to me offline or are you going to just sort of start singing? I'll give you a sample right now and then I'll send you the rest of it offline. Ready? Okay. I you going to send it to me offline or are you going to just sort of start singing? I'll give you a sample right now and then I'll send you the rest of it offline. Ready? Okay.

I just have to scan it. I wrote it on the back of a receipt. Ready? Yeah. Jesus Christ, you're having an episode. But yeah, go ahead. I'm a wolf. I'm a wolf.

In a sheep's clothing. Call me Cash. Call me Cash. Mere blooming fowl. Father. Mother, dear, and wife, you forsake my spirits.

Something like that. That's awesome, man man that's absolutely epic just like super are you crying super dope what are you crying yeah that that moved me to tears because like the fact that you said that you're a wolf in sheep's clothing called called me cash right blumenfeld right father father why have you forsaken my spirit? Yeah. Which is similar to... To what?

Like, why have you forsaken me? That song is... Oh, the System of a Down song? Yeah. Right, exactly. Yeah, that's... Yeah. Kinda.

Well, I mean, not necessarily. I'm just going to pull up the lyrics real quick. Don't. Don't fucking... Don't turn this into like a witch hunt. Like, okay, I used a word or two that was similar. There's only so many like words in the English language you could say that i

i did an homage to a bunch of shit father why have you forsaken me yeah i mean i it wasn't just like the lyrics because like you also i feel like you sang it in the exact same cadence yeah yeah yeah yeah okay okay but i did like this well here's the other thing just just like real quick because you're all you're doing all these acapella and Yeah, yeah, yeah, guitar, bass, rhythm guitar, drums, and then like anything else that needs to be filled in. You're sort of like a kid rock in that regard. He plays all the instruments on his albums. Yeah, yeah.

So like... And this is for... That's the guitar riff for the... For, that leads into Kashmir. Nice. I mean, on the day, I just want to be sure you can play the guitar. It wouldn't just be like the noises that you're making with the mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I give you like power chords or whatever. Okay, cool. All right, yeah. So yeah, if you want to send me any of those lyrics, that'd be awesome. I don't have a pick. Okay, well, I mean... I don't have a pick, so I might need a little help

if you know somebody. Well, when we were recording in the studio, I think I'm willing to invest in this album and I'll book us some studio time. They'll have instruments and they'll have picks. You won't have to bring any of that stuff okay so yeah well maybe bring someone as long as you can play all the instruments i think that really if i could focus on the singing maybe you have somebody else there for to do the uh to do everything else okay all right well i mean that's a little bit of

a different investment because i will have to pay a musician if you're if you can't do it um but that's fine yeah i think yeah we get we find somebody as long as you can i mean show them what you how you want it to sound because you said you knew how to play guitar and stuff i'm kind of scared that i overstepped my bounds well yeah i guess i'm wondering why you don't have a pick i like oversold it to you for a second okay like i don't know how to do that stuff i don't know like i've never even thought about music until you fucking brought it up like nine minutes ago and then you but like i'm excited to learn it and then you furiously jotted all of your lyrics down onto a receipt

that you plan to scan and send to me but i'm trying to do it like left-handed so it's like it kind of looks like the scrawlings of a madman because i'm holding my computer with my right hand i really shouldn't have even like i i feel kind of i feel like scrawlings of a madman because I'm holding my computer with my right hand. I really shouldn't have even... I feel a little bit bad because I feel like you took this super seriously. But I was totally kidding. Your voice is really bad. It all stemmed from a joke about how your voice sucked.

And also your lyrics were super, super bad and really dumb. It's saying a lot to say that they were really stupid because you like stole them from some popular songs. But like even your choices of theft on the songs were bad. So like really across the board, just like so dumb and really bad. No, I was like fucking with you.

Really? Yeah. Because I did just get it. It sounds like your voice is breaking you're maybe crying a little bit and i just got an email from i have a fucking headache for a second yeah you have a headache for one second i think i have like a lot a little fucking it sounds like you're gonna cry your your email says hey these are these are the lyrics i just came up with i think they're really something special if you agree i'm so excited for this project and it's a scanned yeah it's i guess

you took it with your phone but it's it's like a scanned receipt are you weeping take it with a fucking grain of salt man actually take it with a grain of assault okay what do you think of what do you think of that for a fucking title? That's not bad. It sounds sort of like a Sub 41 album or something. Take it with a grain of salt. Yeah. Do you have a salt to listen to this malt? You're stealing again.

You're doing like a bad Weird Al thing. I'm borrowing. I'll put it back. I'll put it back.'ll put it back fine fine man anyway thank you for that i needed to like feel that a little bit like the highs and the lows like that's like i feel like that's what rock and roll is all about i guess so but yeah i mean you're you're sort of just like screaming into a microphone out of time stealing lines it's not really rock and roll it's sort of just like screaming into a microphone out of time stealing lines it's not really rock and roll

it's sort of like but I did feel the rush a little bit which was wow I was crying you were crying a lot

you were crying a lot it feels good it feels like if you've ever done a sauna or a steam room but for the inside of your face.

Oh, yeah. That's a nice way to look at it. All right. Let's focus here. This is a Fire With You, an advice podcast. In fact, the only one on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake.

And we are Grain of Assault. I don't want to be in this band. All right. It was a fucking throwaway. What a terrible name. What a terrible name. It was a fucking throwaway. What a terrible name. What a terrible name. It was a joke. All right.

We got a question from a dude who, let's just say, is from Pittsburgh. By the way, did we say who made that song? Who? Who made the original song? I don't give a shit. That launched us into a 20 minute bit of you singing I really hope people at the office heard you screaming

why have you forsaken me in the studio George Gavin from a folksy music guy based in Brighton UK so thanks George Brighton that's what's up baby uh all right this guy is a college uh junior college student in pittsburgh we'll call him

ben roethlisberger nice speaking of assault nice about three years ago my parents announced their divorce to the family at first it was pretty devastating for my sisters and I, but I've since been mostly okay. They both have their own home now, not too far from where I grew up. And with me being in school, I haven't had to confront much. My mom has been dating a new guy

pretty seriously for a while. It took me some time to warm up to him, but he's a good guy and he's been very generous and makes us all very happy. It feels strange, but I'm able to separate myself enough to be happy for my mom. For a while, I was a little worried about my dad, but now I'm in a sticky situation because he's introduced us to his, quote, lady friend. I figured it would essentially be the same song and dance as my mom's new guy. But no, this lady is closer to my age than my dad's.

If that weren't enough, she teaches at the same school my dad runs. So now I feel like this is a potential conflict of interest. Side note, she's also vegan, which I wouldn't typically care about, but now my dad's going vegan and there's never any milk or cheese or meat in the fridge. My sisters are clearly just as uncomfortable as I am about this young chick dating my dad who is nearly half his age. So what do I slash we do? Ultimately, I know this has nothing to do with us, but it's making us all feel weird to be home. And I worry that he could possibly even lose his job for this.

Is it worth bringing up or should I just let it go? Let it go. Let it go. My voice is amazing. Have you ever thought about being a musician? I just copy and paste the last 12 minutes of the podcast uh i've been a fan since your early days of college humor and i'm eagerly anticipating the live nad pod show in crittsburg yeah thanks can't wait to go to pittsburgh that show is sold out motherfucker jesus why are you mad at me? Nah, I'm really excited.

Thanks, love, Ben Roethlisberger. Okay. It seemed, I don't know. What do you think, man? Wouldn't it be weird if your parents got divorced like now and started dating other people? I was thinking about that while reading this question. I'm like, it must be so weird to deal with.

Like, some people just never deal with that. It's not like a thing that some people eventually deal with like right seeing your mom with a boyfriend is kind of a funny thought it really it would be i feel like it would be bizarre but i also feel like i'm probably better equipped to handle it now because i'm an adult and i know like what goes into relationships and if my parents were getting a divorce i wouldn't be like why are you doing this i'm mad i would be more like oh this hadn't been working i would talk to them a little bit more you know i feel like yeah like level with them yeah i would understand more now than i would when i was a kid when i just like when everything they do sucked i was all i was always upset at

whatever they were doing right and now i'm never upset at what they're doing. They have their reason. Imagine your mom with like a different guy. Like, would that make sense to you? That would make so much sense to me. That would, I mean, that's, yeah, of course. You know my father. Yeah, I think he's pretty awesome. And it seems like-

He's a summer squash of a man. Yeah. He's a misshapen jacknut. That's what he is. So like if your mom brought home a boyfriend or something, or like they got a divorce and then she started dating someone else, do you think he'd be like your dad or completely different? No, he would be a 10.

My mom would be dating like an Aragorn meets Tom Brady meets Tom Bradley meets Tom Hiddleston? Hanks. So she would bring home just this square-jawed, six-foot-four-inch, 180, handyman. Yeah. Hanks-y man. Yeah.

And you'd be like, okay, this is cool. I get to know this new guy. He's not my father, but he's my mom's boyfriend and i understand that i really like if my mom divorced my dad she would probably be married to tom hanks and i think that's kind of like where where like where she is on on like the on the spectrum of humanity she's like such a saint such a queen a princess a goddess that that she is like in the same league as hanks even though she doesn't have like um you know the same status of like right um of wealth and fame and and a catalog of movies that everyone adores uh but like she she should be with tom hanks and my dad should be with like um i'm trying to think of like who is

like maybe like the the wicked witch from the west like after the house fell on her. Like that actor? No, I mean, he should be with Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. Like Mike Myers? Maybe. So my mom should be with Tom Hanks and my dad should be with Mike Myers. Or like the fictional character Fat Bastard. He should be with the fat suit. My dad should have a fleshlight. That would make things right in the world what would make more sense is if my dad had a fuck doll and my mom was with tom hanks that's i would understand that if

if my mom was like hey i actually broke up with your dad and i'm dating tom hanks i'd be like what what took you so long and if my dad was was like, hey, your mom divorced me and I have this mail order fuck robot from Tokyo, I'd be like, of course, that makes a lot of sense. I would have thought that. But this fuck robot is actually a little out of your league. Oh my God. You would think that the fuck robot is out of your dad's league?

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, my dad's more of like a stick of fleshlight in the arm of a lazy boy type guy that's what that's like like he would fuck a chair i don't know if he would i don't think he would but i think that's like where he's at jesus like that's what he should be doing but don't get me me wrong. My dad is, he's like, he's awesome because he gives, he like pays for shit for me. Yeah, he does money, right.

Like my apartment and my car is in his name and I need that because otherwise, if I don't have him paying for my apartment and for my wardrobe

and like meals and stuff, like when I go grocery shopping or like call a Lyft or something, yeah, I need him. I travel extravagantly and I put everything on my dad's credit card like when i go grocery shopping wardrobe call a lift or something yeah i need him i travel extravagantly and i put everything on my dad's credit card and i really need that that's important at the same time you'd understand it if yeah your mom left him for tom hanks and he

started fucking a chair i'd understand if my mom left him for the fuck robot that he's not even qualified to be fucking okay well put yourself in this guy's position then if your dad started dating someone who was close to half his age at his school would you have a sit down a heart-to-heart or would you have to just then trust your father and say you know what you got this figured out i think at least i don't know i feel like all these things sort themselves out over time is that is that bad advice i just feel like when it's new and weird and you're talking about with your sisters you're like this is uncomfortable should we say something but your dad might also feel that and in a few weeks or months or maybe his girlfriend will feel that, they'll break up and be like, this was, the age gap is weird.

We work together. That's bad. Or they date for like another year and you see her around more and you see them get comfortable and closer. And you're like, actually, I like, I like this lady now. So I just think that this is not fully your, your call the same way that uh you don't get to decide what's in the in the refrigerator at his house right you sort of since you know he's your father you have to sort of trust he knows what he's doing and if it's uh if it's something where he's blinded by love then it'll come to the surface soon enough and if it's an actual healthy

happy relationship then they'll stay together forever. And you'll have a new mommy. Yay! All right, let's take a break. We'll come back after thanking some sponsors with some more questions and answers. Awesome. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o!

DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings,

which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan.

And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me

which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know Run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, Running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six

players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And, for all first time pick six players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions.

Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable Pick 6 credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.com slash. Right. Promos.

There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You

can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to

squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. No, but I know you do, brother. Yeah, mine's kind of ambiguous. I'll tell you the story or an anecdote or two, and then we can sort of back into the advice, more general advice. Okay. So I flew up for two days to visit my new niece. I flew up on Tuesday, back on Wednesday, real quick trip. And I was looking for flights kind of last minute. And I usually

just fly Southwest, but the prices were kind of high. So I did like a more general Google flight search. And I found really cheap flights on United. It was like $110 each way, which is pretty hard to find last minute. To Stanford. Yeah. And then when i went to book the flight it was like yes they're 110 but that's like basic economy so you can't bring a bag you can't choose your seat you can't board um until everybody else is boarded they like they like it's kind of like a bait and switch you're you're not allowed to even fly yeah the flight attendant is gonna slap you in the face yeah and it keeps going like are you sure you have to understand you can't bring any bags you can't bring a bag you really cannot even bring a bag do you still want to fly not even a personal item

yeah no you could bring a personal item that's correct one personal item easy um can't choose a seat till you get there can't board until the last group, et cetera, et cetera. And it keeps being like, if you want any of this stuff, literally anything, like a normal flying experience, it's actually $175 a way. So it's like, they bring you in with a super cheap fare, and then they're like, by the way, you can't do anything unless you get the normal fare.

Right, and then you're like, oh, it's $175 versus $110, I'll choose my seat. But then you realize, like, that's both's $175 versus $110. I'll choose my seat. But then you realize that's both ways. That's another. Right. Yeah, it's a lot of money. It's like the normal fare that Southwest could have provided. But United gets you in with their ultra low fare by stripping any convenience.

They are the worst. All right, go on. So I'm like, yep, that's fine. No bag. I won't bring a bag. I will not choose a seat. I'm flying by myself. It's a 45-minute flight fine. No bag. I won't bring a bag. I will not choose a seat. I'm flying by myself. It's a 45-minute flight.

Put me anywhere. I don't mind. Last row, window, next to the bathroom. I'll plank in the aisle. I don't give a shit. Exactly. So I was like, I was probably their worst nightmare, the guy that went in on the super bargain basement fare

and stayed there and didn't mind. So I'm like, all I'll bring is a backpack. I'm going up one day, I'm going back down the other. But on Monday, my mom's bring is a backpack. I'm going up one day and going back down the other. But on Monday, my mom's like, oh, if you're going up north, let me give you a bag of baby items to bring because, you know, I'm a grandmother. I want to buy a bunch of stuff for the baby. Right. That'll happen. So I got my backpack and then I got my Gelson's tote bag of a ton of baby items that I did not pack, but I did not tell them that. Did you pack all your

items? Yes, I did, including this mystery bag of baby treats that I'm bringing up. Your mommy didn't help you with that? No, my mommy didn't. I thought of bringing these Snuggies, I assure you. All the pacifiers in here were my idea. So

on the way up, they didn't even care. They didn't even ask me about the personal item, the extra bag, whatever. I just flew up, and it was no big deal. But then on the way back down, they're like, you have your personal item, your backpack, but what's that bag? I was like, oh, it's my extra bag. I'm traveling very light, I assure you. Wait, what is that extra bag for the baby?

What are you doing bringing it back? Because, you know, my brother didn't want to keep all these items. So it's like, I'll take half, and then you bring the other half back down. I'm a courier of sorts for my family. So, oh, and you can't, another thing, you cannot check in online, of course. You got to go there, wait in line, for no other reason other than it's an inconvenience that they force you to do. Fine, I'll do it. I'll wait in line.

I'll check in there. And when I check in, the lady's like, you have two bags. This is a basic economy ticket. You have to pay for the extra bag. I'm like, how much is it? And it's just a backpack and like a shopping bag. Those are my, I figure it's considered one personal item, how much is it to, and it's just a backpack and like a shopping bag. Those, those are my, I figure it's what considered one personal item, but for them it's two. I told them that I

flew up, no big deal, no problem on the way up. And she's like, yeah, but here it's a little different in San Francisco airport. They take it more seriously, I guess. We do things right. Yeah. And so I'm like, how much is it? And she's like, it's $30 here or $55 at the gate, which seems completely made up. I'm like, okay, I'll do it at the gate. And And she's like, it's $30 here or $55 at the gate, which seems completely made up. I'm like, okay, I'll do it at the gate. And then she's like, no, just do it here. It's $30 instead of $55. No, I'll do it at the gate. I'll do it at the gate. It's $55 at the gate. I'll do it at the gate. And she's like, no, trust me. You just want to do it here. It's $30 here. I'm like, no, I'll do it at the gate. The $55, I'll do the $55. I'll pay $55, is it? Is it 55? That's the official policy, 55 at the gate or $30 here.

And she's like, okay, do it at the gate. And then she writes on my ticket in pen, gate check, $55 on my ticket in pen. That doesn't mean anything. No, it doesn't mean anything at all. It's such a big airline. It's like, all right, so yeah, you write 55 in pen. And then you take that price tag to the to the person at the gate yeah like i don't i that can't be like actual official company

policy are they getting paid on commission are they selling me like a used mattress like how is this how is this part of the actual system i couldn't understand it so what did you did you bring the ticket to the gate so i'm'm walking through security. They don't care that it says gate check $55 in pen on my ticket that I have to print out after waiting in line. They're like, they let me through security. And then once I got through security, I tried to print out another boarding pass by going to the person at the actual gate. I was like, I lost my boarding pass. Can you print out another one? They print out another one.

That one doesn't say $55 gate check on it. Are you, when you go up, when you go up to the, to that gate, did you hide the Gelson's bag? No, I was carrying it, but I like hid it behind, like I tried to like make it not noticeable, but I don't even think the person was like looking for like an extra Gelson's bag.

Yeah. So this sort of lumps into this other thing that i did recently which was i went to um a mall the americana here in glendale i went on sunday and there was no parking anywhere except for this section of the parking lot that said law firm parking only seven days a week everybody else else will be towed. It was completely empty. So I just parked there. I'm like, they're not here on a Sunday trying to like see who parks in their parking lot. There's like 12 spots here that are completely empty. I stayed there for two hours. Nobody towed my car. Nobody left me a ticket at all. Like I would think the same thing, but I would not want to risk it. You were like, were you like, I'm willing to go pick up my car somewhere if they tow it?

I was so convinced that nobody was at the law firm, let alone patrolling the parking lot, let alone like running out of spots. Because it's not like I took the last spot and somebody would then be fucked. It was a completely empty lot. Have you ever, has your car ever been towed before? No. Because usually I play it by the rules. I think that's, maybe that's the difference.

Right. I, my car, I try to play by the rules, but my car has been towed at least three times. Maybe four. Three times towed. Yeah. Four times a lady. So I don't know if I just, I haven't been burned yet, but there's, I'm like, I'm starting to like, as an adult, figure out like the different like loopholes and rules that you can break

that don't really make sense to me. Like the $55 on a ticket, maybe when I was 24, I'd be like, oh shit, I got to pay it right now or I'll be in trouble. But now that I'm like 36, I'm like, no, that, that doesn't, that doesn't make sense. I feel like I can work my way around that. The no parking at the law office, that doesn't make sense to me either like I can work my way around that. The no parking at the law office, that doesn't make sense to me either. I don't think anyone's going to actually call me and get me in trouble. I definitely think like not taking weird rules seriously is a good, it's a good outlook to have because like for the most part, I do think you'll get away with it. And like, so for every time that you do have a 50, like, you have to pay $55 at the gate, you're, like, you're still in the black for all the times that you did.

Yeah, all the times that you got away with it. And every time you don't get towed. You save dough. Yeah. Like, that's kind of interesting. You could theoretically get towed once or twice a year and park in tow away spots all the time. You're saving on valet and parking stuff. I mean, I don't want to just create a blanket unsolicited advice of park anywhere, don't pay anything.

But it feels like there are these little inefficiencies in life that you can get away with every every now and again i remember i listened to a podcast once about like i forget like being smart and being wise was like the the premise there and like they're just talking about how like some rules even though they're set up they're like very very dumb so i guess my unsolicited advice is live long enough that you can start understanding what is considered quote-unquote bullshit versus not. Because the only way to learn these things, I think, is to just kind of try them and fail it. Then you sort of start pushing the rules a little bit. Then you realize that you don't have to do them at all.

Then at a certain point, you'll probably get burned, and you're like, okay, that was too much. That was too much. I'll go back. I absolutely think that steal from the airlines at, like, at any cost. Like, that's, they're awful. All airlines are bad. They're also bad. All right.

Should we try to answer one last question before we have to get the hell out of here? Why the fuck not? This is a classic birthday dilemma. A question right in time for your birthday. That's right. Actually, I think this episode comes out 8-5. Is your birthday. That's right. Actually, I think this episode comes out 8-5. Is your birthday on a Monday? Yeah, I'll be 34.

All right, here we go. Here's the question. We'll call this guy Jake. My birthday is coming up next week and I don't know how to celebrate it. I'll be moving in that weekend so the home will not be ready to host a party. And I was thinking of celebrating it a week or two after

to have a housewarming slash birthday party, but it feels a bit odd. My wife has been tied up with school and doesn't have the time to plan anything for me this year, so I'm having to plan my own birthday party, and I know, what a loser herb. Anyways, I'd like to know your thoughts. Is it odd celebrating your birthday after it's passed,

or should I try to have a small get-together at someone else's place? Thanks for the advice. You guys are the best. Of course, behind Jake's mom, who is, without argument, better than my mom. Absolutely. I would agree with that assessment. This is interesting. I'm sort of planning my own party this year as well. So what do you do as a 34-year-old? Your birthday party, your birthday lands on the worst day to have a party, Monday.

So do you go the weekend before? Do you go the weekend after? Do you force something in on a Monday? How are you playing it? You got to go weekend before. It's just otherwise, what are you doing? You have to go weekend before. So you're doing something Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

This year, my birthday is on Monday. I'm doing something Saturday. And you're just, are you doing like the inviting everyone to a place, to a bar, to a public location? That is exactly it. I'm inviting everybody to a bar. That way you don't have to do anything but show up. Yeah, I think that's way better than hosting. I also like, like i don't know there's something so stressful about planning a party even if you're doing a completely low maintenance party like as soon as i sent uh an email out being like it's my birthday on saturday come to this bar i was just like instantly full of anxiety of like no one's gonna come and then like the first 10 minutes of your

birthday party when obviously no one's there yet nobody shows up right on time you just feel like a big fucking loser or like the anxiety of like now i have like a thousand micro responsibilities like my friend will be like oh if i'm gonna get there late is that fine oh should i bring cake oh what kind of food is there gonna be oh do they have this kind of beer and you're like i don't know just show up or not i don't want to do anything this is why i usually i like to just go back home and like eat dinner with my parents on my birthday right you can't get in trouble if you're just eating at home with your parents i just spend my birthday with my family i'm a family man and then i don't have to stress about this shit but i think that's what that's the move if you got like a big brewery or a or a cool bar or restaurant near you you just have people there

but then you invariably are gonna forget someone in there it's like oh you didn't invite this guy can i invite him like no then it's weird because i didn't bring this other person etc etc etc well that's why i went like big bar and I was like, forward this to anyone. I definitely forgot people bring friends. I don't care. Right. So you're like doing this, the most low maintenance, which is like any, literally anybody is invited to just show up or not. True. Like the opposite of my wedding where we have like a set amount of people, these people can't come, these people can't bring plus one like all that stuff you know where that was that was high stress that guest list is high fucking

stress yeah this is like i it's i basically just took the email that i sent for my wedding i removed everybody that lived in los angeles and i sent. Yeah. And 34 is not a big one anyway. So it feels like there's less of a brouhaha to be had. Definitely. I don't ever want to have a brouhaha about my birthday. The days of brouhaha are over. Do you remember your birthday that we went to Vegas? That was a great birthday.

We had like 20 people in Las Vegas. Yeah, that was like a bachelor party, but just for my 30th birthday oh yeah it was your 30th but that too wasn't i didn't necessarily plan it it was just like hey i'm going to vegas and this is where we'll be it's also at least for me this year like as i'm my son like having a summer birthday always used to be awesome because everybody was like off out of school everyone was around but when you're in your 30s and it's summertime everyone goes away and does something pretty much every single weekend the summer just like gets booked up everybody especially in new york everybody like goes to the hamptons or goes upstate or they everyone leaves the city on the weekend

this is you talking to one person at your birthday party and no one else showed up. This is me talking to the bartender. My wife didn't even come. I mean, you get it. She has got other shit to do. And I sent the invite pretty late in the game, too. Actually, Jill was the one person that I forgot to put on my invite list.

Did you make an invite or just write an email? I just wrote an email. Did you have a time to start? I wrote 9 ish classic and then when will you get there 11 45 i'm gonna get there like i think i'm gonna get there at 9 30 i'm gonna try to get there on time but i'm so fucking nervous maybe i won't go no one else is gonna fucking go why do i have to go i just really want gifts is all i love presents uh so what should this guy do? Tell everyone to go to a bar? Yeah, I think tell everyone to go to a bar. Can't go wrong.

Everything is planned. Easy, done. And also make sure that your core group is going to be there because that's also important. Yeah, make sure. Because otherwise you're just sitting there alone waiting for your friends and that's not fun. Yeah, if you show up early.

It helps to do something with like, yeah, actually I'm doing this too. I i'm gonna get a small dinner with people before and then go to this bar so no matter what i can't have less than three friends with me when i show up except oh shit i'm just hearing now that nobody can make it to the dinner jesus christ maybe i'll get papa john's on the way let's try it again for 35 guys this one's off this one's a wash unless someone wants to do something small on monday god another email hey i'm getting tepid responses at best we're gonna change this to a brunch or a drunch on tuesday the 7th of aug. Hey, again, Jake here, the 34-year-old geezer taking everybody off BCC.

We're just going to make this a public-facing thread. Who's in and who's out? Streeter, you haven't responded. Reply all either way. This should be a public shaming of either you or me. Jesus. All right. Can't endorse a birthday party more than

that yeah i mean yeah just you just have it in a place where you don't have to do anything a bar there's no maintenance you don't have to buy drinks you don't have to buy food are you telling the bar are you telling the bar ahead of time i contacted the bar and they said it was a 15 dollar 1500 minimum uh to reserve the space. And I was like, oh yeah, I'm sure we'll spend that much money. And they're like, well, no, you have to pay it. And then basically it's $1,500 of an open bar gets me to reserve the space.

And I was like, how crowded does your bar get on the weekends? They're like, we can't really say. And I was like, all right, we're just going to show up. Oh, so you didn't do the 1500 thing no i'm not gonna pay 1500 for a fucking birthday party this is the same thing as the fucking gate check they're trying to squeeze you to paying money that you don't necessarily even have to pay i think it is like me saying does the bar usually get crowded on saturday and they're like, we're not sure. What are you talking? Like, you work the bar.

You're in charge of events at the bar. They're just trying to squeeze $1,500 at least from you and your party. Yeah. So it's not going to happen. We're going to come and fucking take over Cornhole. Put up a $218 tab. You have to pay extra for chips? Christ.

All right. Thank you for your questions. Thank you for your theme songs. The opening one was written by George Gavin. This closing one is written by Jorge Luis. So thanks to George and Jorge. Sort of two versions of the same name. Hip hip? Jorge! George! And thank you for listening. If you have

your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We'll be back, of course, next week. And if you want some more If I Were You, there's always our Patreon. Bonus video Thursday episodes

every week. That's the spot. You can watch it at patreon.com slash ja. Either way, we'll be back in seven days. First episode with Jake as a 34-year-old. I'm going to retire. Hey, Jake and Amir, when you gonna help out?

I have an important question that cannot go unanswered. My girlfriend invited her parents over and I don't know what to do. I've never met them before. Guys, please don't let me down. When you gonna eat those nuts, Chipmunk? When you gonna earn that golden mic? When you gonna upload that pod and make my day? She said, play that cast.

The one that makes us laugh all night long. The one that gives me advice. It's called If I Were You. And it starts right now that was a hate gun podcast