Segments - 395: Panic Attack

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

In this episode we discuss Jake's mental health, high school, and dry spells.For more advice, check out our Patreon which has bonus video videos every Thursday!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at HeadGum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Look, look. Jake and Amirman, they made a podcast called If I Were You. Feeling advice left and right like a credible couple of Jews I can't even lie though, on Monday I'd just be refreshing the feed

When that shit is over, don't worry, there's always a new one next week Sometimes they help you, but mostly they just end up giving you shit But that doesn't help me when I'm trying to find me a new Tinder bitch Jake is the MVP, he racking up golden mics every week Except for that one time when he said to kill all the dogs that are weak I don't waste time with no other show, I just go straight to these guys, advice, podcast Quandary's so good that you gotta ask them for some help, just hope they reply to you fast This has been years in the making, it started at their graduation from College of Humor

Heck, I'm forever the always big time and I'm here to keep on stashing them acorns, you know it This has been years in the making. It started at their graduation from College of Humor. They come forever. They're always big time. And I'm here to keep on stashing them acorns. You know it. Okay. A little Drake parody. Why not? By Ryan Compass, a.k.a. Rybread.

I liked that. And I think it's because I like Drake and I like me. And it was both things combined. How is it you? Well, like, he rapped about me. Yeah. So, like, your favorite rapper, Drake, rapping about you would be the best thing ever. Obviously the best thing.

Because he'd be like. Well, unless he was coming at me. I wouldn't want, like, a diss track. Oh, if he was like, yo, fuck you, man. Oh, I would be so devastated. I would release like my own diss track, but it would just be like, yo, dude, why'd you say that bad shit about me? Yeah, it makes me sad. What did I ever do to you, man?

Yeah, like that kind of shit. Like, I guess not a diss track, a disappointed track. That's good. Yeah. So you're disappointed in a in a somebody else's track i'm not mad about your track i'm disappointed i'm like what'd you say that shit about me you know that it made me sad to hear it i didn't go outside for two whole days i wrote the addresses on them perfect uh ryan compass says if you have to the only shout out I ask is that you call out my boy

Jacob Legrand he's a herb for real but he's had songs make it on the show before I knew the name sounded familiar and taught me how to make mediocre music for advice podcasts wow alright so again we're running a little low after

390 some odd episodes we've had about 750 submissions for theme songs. But if we haven't played yours yet or if you've been sitting on an idea, now's your chance. Ifireashow at gmail.com. Send it on over. Okay, cool. Yeah, the waiting list is as low as it's been in a while.

So you have a great chance of getting your song on the show. Which isn't to say this one was bad and we had to just play it out of desperation. We really appreciated it. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. 34 years old.

34 years old. 34 years young. That's right. Does it feel any different from 33? It doesn't, but I don't think I like the number 34 quite as much. That's 33. Yeah. I feel like everything's like over 30, but sub 35 is kind of the same age to me. But I was into the year 33 because I was calling it my Jesus year. That's cool. And I feel like part of like, you know,

I guess part of the reason Jesus dying was so sad is because it was a man cut down in his prime, you know? Yeah, he was like ready to do some awesome shit. I guess I've just always thought of 33 as like the prime of my life oh so this is like and it's also the exact like third of a hundred yeah you're gonna do a third life crisis live to a hundred this is when that thing would happen yeah and i so i did i guess but i i like i always think of my birthday in terms of like milestones like getting old is always depressing but it feels like if

you're kind of staying on a path of like things good like good things happening that you're excited about it's not sad then that's fine right like i kind of remember having a rough 25th birthday because i felt like i hadn't accomplished anything that i had looked i like didn't have a lot of money interesting i like um was in a weird place in a relationship i had looked i like didn't have a lot of money interesting i like um was in a weird place in a relationship i think and i was like i couldn't make rent for a month and i was like what the fuck am i doing why like what am i doing um but but then when i turned 33 i like had just bought a house i was getting married that year oh so you're like okay this i'm 33 but it makes sense yeah because I was able to do things.

And I also remember when I turned 30 is when we launched HeadGum and when we shot our pilot. That's right. HeadGum is four years old this week. So it helps to have milestones happening around your birthday. You did have a panic attack. Right. So I had a panic attack on my birthday. So that, like you would think that's all involved in the aging process. Do you think your panic attack had anything to do with your birthday? I really, so I don't think it did because I turned 34 on Monday. But I had like, I had my party on Saturday.

I like had dinner with my in-laws on Sunday. How was that party? I forgot to follow up because you were talking about it last episode. You were going to have a party and invite people to a bar. Right, yeah. I had been a little stressed. Did I talk about on the episode how many people weren't in town? Yeah, you were like, everybody leaves in New York on the weekends,

and so a lot of people were not going to come, and you're just going to be stressed out while you're there to see like who's going to come and who's not. Yes. So I was not stressed out while I was there. We arrived and I had like a nice surprise with Nick, Rad and Laura. Oh, that's nice. Showing up because like they have a young baby and Laura had just like had her appendix burst last week and she showed up in an eye like with an IV in her arm. Oh, God.

So I was like like that's awesome yeah and one of our friends who's a doctor um presley who i mentioned on another episode when ben said i that he didn't believe me that i knew a doctor i still don't continue all right well she said to me that i that it was a nice uh testament testament to my character that somebody showed up in an iv to my birthday party that's nice so that made me feel nice so even though people were out of town it was like wow the people that could show up really did show up okay um so yeah it was great we had a fun night so then how did how did birthday party turn into panic attack oh okay so well first panic attack right i was wondering if i had had a panic attack before and you were also kind of wondering if this was a panic attack. Yeah, I'm not entirely sure if it was a panic attack. I was doing some research, and the panic attack appears to be like a vague confluence of symptoms,

not like a specific thing that you can test for. Yeah. Okay, so I'll describe what I had, and then we can decide if it was a panic attack. Okay. So I was... Hyperventilating, scared, was, I was. Hyperventilating, scared, bleeding, and alone. I'm trying to think when it came, when it started.

I think I was like, I was at the office in New York and I was driving to see an apartment. What day of the week? This is Monday. Your actual birthday. Monday, my actual birthday around 11 a.m. I'm not, I can't think that that's a coincidence. Actual birthday, first panic attack. That seems like too random.

Too random. The odds of it being a random occurrence. Oh, so you think that it is set off by my birthday? Not set off, but that was one of the, if like a panic attack is a bucket overflowing, then like that was one of the amounts of water that led to the overflowing. I could see that because so i'll tell you what my frame like my mind my frame of mind was it was sort of like there's i kept i was kept i kept on having the thought of like this i'm in over my head uh-huh which definitely signifies panic of course yeah like stretch too thin i'm spread too thin i'm

burning the candle at both ends. I can't get out from under this. I can't handle all this shit. A lot of busyness. Right. So it was things like we're building out the head gum office in New York. And I'm talking to contractors and getting quotes and dealing with Home Depot orders and all that stuff. And then I was like, I think I was dealing with like maybe the D&D tour logistics

of like booking hotels and flights and stuff. Yeah. And then also we were like writing another pilot. It was just like all of these lines of communication that were coming in, like emails that I needed to respond to. Oh, I had a directing job on Tuesday, the next day. And they wanted to hop on the phone. They wanted me to address the notes on the script for the thing that we were shooting the next day. Yeah.

Like, promoting shows, just, like, all of this, like, so many, like, it felt like open lines of communication that I couldn't just, like, archive. It was like everything needed my attention, and I was in charge of something in some way. Like some sort of emotional jenga. People just kept on adding blocks until... Asking me for stuff.

And Mike was out of town and needed me to see an apartment for him. So yeah, so I was waiting. I'm trying to think what I was waiting to do with the... Oh, the contractor, we got an order from Ikea, but we didn't have a sink and the guy couldn't hook up the plumbing to the sink

unless we had the actual all of the pieces so i like drove this sink to the office but i also had to give him money like the second installment of his down payment so i had to go to the bank of course yeah it was a it was a lot of like email and text and calls but then combined with like, I have to like actually do errands, like get a sink, get cash, go to an apartment. And it was a Monday, which is the worst day. And also an August 5th, which is your birthday. So yeah, maybe it was like all of that, like stressed about all of that stuff combined with like getting a lot of text messages from my family and like just like love and uh just but just like a

lot of attention coming in my way i was also utterly alone so i mean jill was there but like you know she wasn't really if that makes sense yeah no she was at work my brother was out of the city i was just by myself in an empty office waiting for the contractor how was the weather um beautiful day perfect day like it wasn't like pouring rain on you no no it was like office waiting for the contractor. How was the weather? Beautiful day. Perfect day. It wasn't like pouring rain on you? No, no. It was like 80 and sunny, low humidity. And I was just...

Yeah, I started hyperventilating a little bit. But not like... Shortness of breath. Yeah, I was like, I can't catch my breath. My heart feels like it's beating really fast. This is you in the office? This is me in the office. Alone. What time of day? Around 1130 or noon. Okay. Midday. Midday. And I'm sort of thinking like, I'm like, I can't deal with everything. I'm like,

having this anxiety. Oh, this is the other thing. So then I started thinking about the idea of anxiety and the feeling that I had. And I was thinking like, oh, my brother sometimes tells me he gets anxious before a date. And then I was thinking, oh, my sister just put an audition on self-tape and she's nervous about hearing back. And like my other sister is like stressed about launching her Kickstarter and my other sister is stressed at work. And like, so then I started thinking about other people's anxiety and stress and amplifying that in my head and sort of being like everyone's stressed and sad and anxious like me. And I was like, I need to just go home.

I have to go home to Connecticut and curl up on the couch and just tell everybody that everything is off. It's just, we're canceling my entire- Today is canceled? Today and the rest of time are canceled. And I knew that I shouldn't do that and I couldn't, and I knew that I wasn't going to,

but like driving from the office to the apartment, every fiber of my being wanted to like take a left onto Rodney, get on the 278 and just drive to Connecticut and be like, I'm checking out. I need like rehab. I need rehab. The worst part of like, then I was doing that and I was thinking like, okay, I was just like, I can just bail on everything. Like my safety net is I can bail on everything. My mom will still love me. I'll go home. I'll just be a Connecticut guy. But then I was like. Oh, you mean like retire?

Yeah. But then I was like, well, no, like even that's not an escape because you'll still have to like make appointments for like the dentist and stuff. Like you'll always be a connecticut guy you'll always have communication coming in that you are responsible for and then you stare at your phone you're like this is an evil device and yeah so then i started thinking like okay so you have to call jill now and tell her that you're having a panic attack and that she um and you need help like calming down. That's what you have to do.

And then I was like, no, she's at work. She's stressed about her job. You don't want to add that to her. I'm not going to add, yeah, like this will ruin her whole day and she's planning on taking me out

to dinner that night. I'm like, and then she's like going to be worried about taking me to dinner. You're going to ruin dinner and you don't even know if you're having a panic attack. You might not have a panic attack and you'll ruin Jill's day.

So I was like, just get through this. It's awful. I kept on also saying to myself, you're the man. You can do it. You're the man. What you've done before. You say that to yourself a lot, right? Every morning or something. I say that to myself whenever i do feel like things are getting too much but usually i believe it and like i remember feeling like this when i was moving out of my apartment and also going to burning man it felt like there was a lot of stuff and i was just like you can handle it you're a beast you'll just do it you'll get it done and i believe it and i do it yeah and this time i was saying it but i still couldn't catch my breath and i was still stressed and i was still feeling very, very unnerved. This is all at the office.

This was all in the car, actually. Oh, now you leave. Because now I have to get to Micah's apartment. Of course. I have to see a studio for my 26-year-old brother. That's what I should be doing. It is your birthday after all. So, yeah, I'm there seeing this apartment about to go out.

And I'm like, okay. You're yelling at yourself in the car. I did scream in the car. I was like, just to try to reset my heart rate or something. Yeah, like maybe screaming would convince your body that you're under attack and send more whatever you need to calm down. So I was doing deep breaths, screaming. I punched the steering wheel once to maybe see if that would help. Break your pinky.

But then I was just like, just suffer through this, get through this, and then have lunch. I think you have to just eat because this is the other big wrinkle is that I had skipped breakfast and I had two cups of iced coffee. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Usually I'll have like a banana or a smoothie or some oatmeal or cereal. I typically always eat breakfast, but this, I had like eaten so much all weekend because people were taking me out to dinner and cooking me lavish meals for my birthday. Of course. You're the birthday boy, the special boy.

You got your treats. That I was feeling, that I was like, I'm full. I don't need breakfast. I just want to like work out. So I had exercised that morning at like 8am. Um, and I had not eaten. I had two cups of coffee. So sometimes having too much coffee makes my heart feel a flutter in the same way. It's just caffeine. Right. But it's not usually compounded by all of the stress of like communication and dealing with shit of course so i had that um so i had that added to it so i so i was like kind of going back and forth of being like is this a panic attack or is or are you over caffeinated and then i had lunch sometimes there's not a lot of difference between the two

no maybe not uh but then i had lunch and I definitely calmed down a lot. I was still feeling, like, worked up, but I was feeling like, man, that was crazy. You thought you couldn't deal with anything. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And I, like, got, and I, that was able to, like, work through my inbox, and I actually. So there was no, like, tipping point.

There was no breakdown. There wasn't.'t no this is i mean this whole thing lasted for like two hours so it felt like that was the breakdown like the breakdown was almost not knowing if i was having a breakdown well maybe i had had the breakdown right but there was no like curling up sweating hyperventilating no complete disconnect. Yeah, the closest I got was like really understanding why that happens to people. But I was like, it's not going to happen to me, but I can get why anyone would do it.

I do want to curl up, but that sounds nice, but I can't and I did not. I got it. And then since then? Since then, I've sort of, yeah, I feel much I feel much better. I feel the kind of interest. I, I definitely feel like this lingering clarity around anxiety and feeling very empathetic for people going through stress. Yeah. Um, and I wonder if that's like related to my panic attack, like my being an empath or something. Oh, because you are

now thinking about other people dealing with anxiety and then that stresses you out and i always do like i always think about like how other people feel and stuff but i definitely don't do it and then also feel incredibly sorry for them like i have i wonder if this will change anything in you because everyone says if like, if you're dealing with anxiety, you should try meditating or therapy to things that you don't really do. Right. I definitely don't do therapy.

I do think that stuff would help you. I do think that I find that are meditative, but they're not like sitting down and being fully like meditative. But I think like running is meditative to me. Climbing is very meditative. And I don't know if I am that interested in therapy. But it couldn't hurt. It couldn't hurt, but it'd be another appointment to keep.

But imagine like your brain and your thoughts as this tangled ball of wires, and like, you just have to untangle. Have you found that that's what you've been doing in therapy? Yeah. I mean, it helps me. It helps to talk to somebody who's kind of a stranger that is completely unaware of anything else in your life. So you can be like super honest with this person because they don't know anybody. Right. It's all your POV.

And do you, but do you feel, so do you feel like tightly wound? Do you feel stressed out ever? I feel stressed out. Not to that extent. Though I will say like you have more obligations than I do between D&D and five siblings that rely on you to several degrees. Like my brothers are older, so it's never like, hey, can you help me do this? Like my doctor brother never says that to me. He doesn't text you to do a masala. Can you see a studio for me?

You have a beautiful home, two lovely daughters. I want to see a studio for you. He doesn't need that. So what was I saying? Oh, yeah, I never feel like stressed out to the point of panic attack mode. But, you know, there are like thoughts that you can't really communicate with people because it's all like biased point of views or about them.

So it does help to see and talk to somebody who's also quote unquote a professional. Right. I guess I wonder if even with a therapist that I would like sometimes, like even when I talk to a therapist, if I like complained about someone that I love, I would feel so guilty. Well, maybe this is something I should work with in therapy.

I would feel so guilty. I can't remember if I told the story on the podcast or not, but I remember when I was like in fifth grade or something, writing a journal entry one time when i was mad at my mom oh yeah and then you tried to destroy it or change it so that oh yeah i did tell this right that i and i so i wrote down like she cares about like or this house in branford and it's so dumb and then like two lines that are like i guess it's not that dumb but that's something you could talk about in therapy but i that's what i wonder if i would like i as I'm talking to a therapist, I would be like, yeah, like I really, my brother was stressing me out. I want to see this apartment. But he's not that stressful.

He didn't expect me to do it. I take that on myself. It's not his fault. It's my fault. Yeah. And that's something that's actually come up in my therapy. I'm like, I don't like complaining. And then she's like, why?

And then you talk about that and it becomes an interesting thing. Why don't you like complaining? I don't want to be negative. Why is that negative? No, I'm like, people are asking, she's asking me questions nobody else would. That's it. Yeah, but I don't want to get fucking cross-examined. Why is complaining

negative? I don't know. I don't know, because you're a fucking quack. Shuffling somebody. Get off of me. Yeah, I don't know. So what do you think Because you're a fucking quack. That's why. Shuffling somebody. Get off of me. Yeah, I don't know. So what do you think? Do you think I had a panic attack? I don't know.

It seems like you were trending towards it, but it seems like panic attacks last for a smaller amount of time. Like they're concentrated. Like you never quite got to like the full melting point. Oh, okay. full melting point oh okay so yeah i guess i was worried that like all of the that stuff around the like the idea of the panic attack was the panic attack because there was definitely not ever like uh like a moment where i it all fell to shit yeah it seemed like you were one thing away from it like if while you were driving to your brother, I got into a car accident. What maybe that would have crystallized everything.

And I would have been like, nothing matters. Everything's fine. Or if Jill called you like, hey, where are you? Like we were supposed to go to lunch today. Like that one extra thing. You were almost at the point where the straw broke the camel's back. Yes. But you're also you haven't fixed anything. It's just like now maybe still laying dormant in you.

Yeah. I mean, nothing's really changed. All of the responsibilities are the exact same. It's like that Full House episode where Uncle Jesse said yes to everybody and it got too much for him. Yeah. Oh, so I mean, this is going to lead into my unsolicited advice that I want to say for the next segment. But this is one other thing that's not that. It also helps me to remember that all of this stuff doesn't have to happen at once. This is something I couldn't tell myself on Monday. But being stressed about my trip to LA,

the directing job, booking the flights, recording three podcasts in a day. It's like, you don't do all of that in like 20 minutes. So like after I was done with the directing job, I was like, okay, so now that's like, that's completed. Nothing else has been added. So like checking off items on that insane list

helped a lot too. Right, you realize it's like, I have so much shit to do. It's like, yeah, that's what a day is. You do the shit that you need to do. Right, in order. There is time for everything. Right. You just have to do it and not worry about doing it all at once or all of it being done.

When it's all not done, thinking about all of it being done is insane. But when it's like one thing's done, you're like, oh, now I see. I can understand how things get done. Right. Second thing's done. you're like, oh, now I see. I can understand how things get done. Second thing's done. It's like, all right, now we're putting a dent in this. It's kind of like feeling like you don't want to clean anything. And you're like, I'll just fold this towel. And then you do that. And you're like, no, now I'm in the zone. Yeah, you have to get into a routine. All right, let's take a break. And then you can give your official unsolicited advice after we thank these sponsors thank you to draft kings for

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

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Jake, what is your... Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. All right. It's panic attack related. Yeah, we should say you spent the break sort of breathing into a paper bag. That's right. Yeah, crying and sweating a little bit.

That's right. So the thing that helped me unwind from my panic attack, or if I had one or whatever it was, my episode on Monday. Yeah. There were like a bunch of emails that were people like trying to basically – people that wanted my time in some way or another, like setting a meeting, setting a dinner, like asking me to listen or give notes on something or feedback, whatever. A responsibility. A responsibility that I usually do say yes to. I do have a hard time saying no. And I think even though I didn't respond and just say, no, I can't do this because there are like responsibilities that are related to the jobs that I have and that I like. So if somebody is like, hey, can you take a look at my student film?

I would say no. You would say no. I would say no. Starting now. I mean, I would pretty no. You would say no. I would say no. Starting now. I mean, I would pretty much always say no to something like that. The things that I say yes to are like an agent emails me to meet with a client and look at their podcast pitches or something like that. But because I've had this trip, I had another job, I'm just like, it felt like everything was too much.

I responded to a bunch of emails that it seemed like weren't incredibly timely. And I was just like, let's circle back on this in September. Just pushed everything that could be pushed a full month. Instead of being like. So you didn't say no. You just didn't say no yet. Yeah. Well, because these are things that i have

already said yes to that are like ongoing got it it wasn't fully like hey are you around to do this for those things i did say no um but yeah for people that were following up on threads or continuing work i was just like this isn't gonna happen i i basically just became okay with the fact that i wasn't gonna get everything done yeah in the timeline i had set for myself arbitrarily uh-huh and i was like you're gonna prioritize the things that need to happen in august and the things that can happen in september i'm just gonna fully move them to September. So like I'm out of town the rest of this month or I'm busy the rest of this month. Well, let's check in in September. You are going on two vacations. Yeah.

Which they seem to be very good timed vacations. The last two weeks of August. Yeah. I definitely need these vacations. Although the second vacation is one that's causing me a lot of stress. Second vacation is just a job. You've taken up an accounting internship in Alaska. Yeah, the second vacation is me and Carnell and Jeff Rosenberg going to Alaska together.

Is that true? Yeah. Oh, why did I think that was a Jill vacation? No, no, it's me and Carnell and Jeff. It's going to be awesome. But Alaska is so huge and vast and it requires so much research and booking and like getting gear oh it's like so i'm like on my computer dealing with all this shit and then also just like somebody from denali creekside cabin being like do you want to book a hella hike

like i do but i can't now christ i have to look up nine different hella hikes and see which one is the best one! Did you ever buy those socks I recommended to you? I did. I was wearing them yesterday. Pretty good, right? They're good. They're really good. I know you sometimes like to keep tabs open on your computer for months at a time.

I did. I kept those open for a long time. I got a couple different. I got Bombas socks. And I got the... Balega? Balega socks. I got some Stan socks. and i got the what are the your balega balega socks so you're doing something i got some sand socks yeah doing a sort of like some sock research got it let us know what you end up with cool not that we're selling any ads about socks no well someday we might and then i'll say that i like those ones uh what what about you do you have any unsolicited uh no wait what was your specific unsolicited saying no to things just i guess it's

like it's it's i mean saying no to things definitely i i also said during my panic or during my episode that um that i was going to start saying no to things and that helped a little bit but i also think that it's fine to like to basically move your responsibilities further down the road if they're causing you a lot of stress, if they can be. I think you can, I think it's totally fine to, because everybody is, everyone really is just putting the onus back on somebody else. Yeah. Like all of my emails weren't like, hey, like let's get together and finish this right now. It's like checking in on the status of this to like, it's really just getting it out of your inbox and onto somebody else's plate.

So I was doing a lot of just like taking it, but also being like, we're not going to ping pong this for the next three weeks. I can't deal with that. What do you do with people you don't know emailing? Do you respond with no or do you not respond at all? Because what I end up doing is like, I'll answer this later, later, later. Ah, this was four weeks ago. I'll just delete the email. I wonder if it's healthier to just delete it right away with a no or just delete it right away and not respond.

I don't let anything linger. So if I'm not, I make a decision as I'm looking at it if I'm going to respond or not. So it's like, hey, I went to your old high school and we're doing interviews and I'd love to pick your brain about stuff. Yeah. I really try to do a little like, so here's maybe an example of something like that I wouldn't respond to. Somebody emailing be like, hey, I got your email from so-and-so. I'm trying to make it as a writer. Do you have any suggestions?

I'm just like, no, I don't. Like, that's somebody that is doing the laziest thing that is basically saying, like, do you have an idea for me that I can do? Do you have a shortcut for me? Hi, I want to be a writer. Do you have a shortcut? And so I don't like emails like that. But if it's somebody that's like, here's a pilot that I wrote. Here's a, this is, nobody fucking emailed me your pilot if you're listening. But if it seems like they've done a lot of work and they're willing to do a lot of work and it's not just like asking for a shortcut.

But a stranger asking you to read their pilot, you would do that? No, I wouldn't just read a random pilot. So would you respond and say, I can't do this? Or would you archive do that? No, I wouldn't just read a random pilot. So would you respond and say, I can't do this, or would you archive right away? I think I would really just, I try to deduce every single time if it's somebody asking for a shortcut or if it's somebody who's done a lot

and is willing to put in effort and work and wants to hustle. So I basically, I guess I just, I'm identifying if they're a jackass or a hustler. Yeah. And I respond to hustlers. I like that. I appreciate it.

So sometimes I do respond to random people that get my email address. But jackasses get the archive, no response forever. Yeah. That's cool. But then, I mean, then there's also things that are just like, I can't deal with this and I'll archive it. It runs the gamut, I guess. From no all the way to yes and I'm having a panic attack trying to help you. Yeah.

I mean, those right now would probably just be like, I don't have time for this, but I appreciate it. All right. Well, speaking of things we have to do, how about answering a question on a freaking advice podcast? It's about time. We're out of time, actually. Wow. Back next week. Now, let's see if we can get to a few. But hopefully this was therapeutic, not just for you, but for other people listening. Yeah, I feel so much better.

All right. Here's one from a dude that seems to be in a crazy predicament as well. Cool. We'll call him, I don't know, Mike. Because you're going to Alaska with Mike. Yeah, baby. So last week my girlfriend and I broke up. I wouldn't let her break things off. So I kept talking to her hoping we could realize things.

Oh, no. Flash to the weekend where she wants me to go to a party with her but i decide i probably shouldn't because i didn't want to mess things up just as we were patching things up at the party her and her ex kissed but she ran out crying and called me telling me to come over we then spent the whole weekend together and then she told me about what happened and i don't know what to do i'm not mad but it seems like every time she's around this guy he tries to pull a move she's insisting on being friends with him what should i do she wants to get back together uh should i leave this girl please help me thanks in advance for reading this yes yes you guys

absolutely break up every sentence in this email was wrong. Yeah. And it was a full paragraph of it. And I didn't, like, it's weird because at the onset I thought he was insane. And then now I think she's insane. But I guess they're just both insane. This strikes me as like a young romance where like everything is just fucking crazy and you have no basis of it. It's funny to imagine people that are in like these kind of bad relationships

like i can't get like it feels almost like they're in a in a sims video game where you're like you can't escape this person's orbit you're right in their world but like that's not the way it actually is but when you're like 19 that's all you know right but the world's so big. You just don't have to be next to someone driving you insane. You do not have to share space with somebody that gives you grief. I think your world grows as you get older. Like when you're a kid, it's just your family. Then it's your family and friends. Then it's high school.

You start to meet other high schoolers. Like, whoa, this is getting kind of crazy. I know 12 people. Then you go to college and you're like, there's like 400 people. So like, you still feel like you're in the circle. And then you graduate from college and you're like, okay, now I'm in the world and I can go anywhere in the world. Right. You can even leave a city in the world. Yeah. Once you're in the world, you can move anywhere in the world. The world's big. The world's big. Except for North Korea. I feel like you can go anywhere in the world. Right. Definitely. And if you're in North Korea, you can't go anywhere

in the world either. So, I don't know if you're in high school, college, or after, but it seems like you should just break up with this lady, which I think you already did, but then you kept talking to her so she could realize things. She also kissed another guy, so it

seems like there's a lot there. There's a lot of drama. It's weird to, like, I understand somebody being like, I want to be friends with my ex, but if you recently kissed them and they're actively trying to get back together with you, being friends with them doesn't seem like it should be a priority. Move to Canada. I don't know if you're in Canada or what, but that's my suggestion. This is absolutely like an Australia question.

That's a complete restart. This has to be from Brisbane. You're moving to a completely new country. It's a whole new restart. It's a refresh. No matter your age or location, definitely break up. This is a terrible situation. And it doesn't have to be.

Yeah. All right, one last question. This one also seems to be from a younger dude who is your best friend at age 15 15 um what grade was i in ninth actually you were still in third right that's right yeah i stayed i stayed back and stayed back and stayed back then i skipped ahead but then i went way back who was your best friend at 15? Rami? 15, yeah, high school. Jesse, Rami, Ofer.

The same people I'm friends with now. Cool. Haven't aged at all. We'll call this guy Jesse. Hey, guys. I'm a huge fan of the show, and I'm having a little bit of a dilemma. I'm in high school, and I have not gotten with a girl for over a year. I'm a pretty normal guy, not weird or anything, but I just realized I'm in such a dry streak

that it's starting to freak me out. No matter what I do, I cannot get with a girl. Are my standards too high? I'm certainly not ugly, but I'm not the greatest looking guy. Should I lower my standards and just scrape the bottom of the pail for literally anything I can get, or should I stay patient? Any advice is

great. That's a good question. I don't know. He's dry. He's a dry in high school. Dry guy. Did you have a dry streak in high school? I feel like high school for me was all desert. There was no dry streak. Yeah, there wasn't a lot of- It was just dryness. There were, I mean, mostly, I guess mostly. I wasn't cool enough to be like, I haven't gotten with a girl in a while. I'm on a dry streak in fucking 10th grade. Yeah, no way. I definitely, I think in high school, like once a year was about good. It's an oasis.

You can capture these smaller miracles as they come, but I wouldn't call the time in between getting with, which I'm glad that's still a slang that people are using. I thought that was antiquated. Getting with was like when I was in high school. In the late 90s, people said getting with. It's still happening. That's true. Although this email was written in 1999. That's fair.

We used to say like, oh, I'm like talking to so-and-so. I'm talking to Danielle. And that would mean hooking up. Really? Yeah. No. Like we're talking.

We're talking. Seeing each other seems to be the most passive one I've ever heard. Seeing each other means dating. Oh, well, seeing each other is definitely, like that implies everything. But being like, oh yeah, like me and her are talking. That's like not anything. Yeah. You talk to a principal.

Yeah. And I only hooked up with her once. Are you talking to Avital? We're chatting, but I don't know if we're talking yet. Did that get based on text aiming? Is that what talking started as? Maybe it was. I mean, it was definitely before text, but maybe it was an aim thing. Should I lower my standards and scrape the bottom of the pail for literally anything?

I just, like, I don't feel like his standards are that firm regardless. Like, I sort of get the sense from this question that he would hook up with anything. If he's calling it a dry streak. Yeah, I think that all you can really do,

because lowering your, I don't, I just don't think that lowering your standards actually gets you laid any faster. It's hard not to be ugly in high school too. It's the ugliest time. Right. Everyone's ugly.

I think all you can do is be patient. Like you'll hook up with somebody eventually. Or you won't. There'll be a party. It's summertime. That happens. You can also try masturbating. That's like kind of hooking up,

but you don't have to get anybody else involved. That's interesting. Yeah. It still feels good sexually. I wonder if any of our listeners have thought of something like that. Yeah. So like, if you try jerking off, that way it's like you get the release. I should have done that when I had my panic attack. Oh,

yeah. Why didn't you just J-O? You were already trembling. The last thing that you can do. You get caught in the office. All right, I just have to freaking nut, I think. Oh, it'll all feel better after that. You're currently viewing a studio for your brother. Can you at least go into the bathroom?

You think he's going to apply or not? Can you be his guarantor? I don't know, you four-year-old acidic man. I just have to fap in the bathroom quickly. Alright, let's give him his time. If he can J-O in the bathroom, then his brother's gonna live here.

Did your brother end up taking that place? He applied and he didn't get it. So you saw the studio. It was good. It was a good spot. He liked it. Yeah, it was a good spot. He liked it. He tried. It was actually the place where John Carlo and John Grimm used to live.

Oh, really? Remember that? Off the ground. Yeah. Above Kim's Grocery. Yep, which is gone now, I think. Is it the same exact unit? No, that was like a two-bedroom.

No, they had a two-bedroom, but it was on the same floor. So you have jerked off there before. That's right. Because we had that Christmas party there. Right. We did the circle jerk Super Bowl party. That's how we filled out our square. We shot one of our

first, we actually, we shot one of our first video if I were used there. I think the first video. The first one. So, you know, it's all full circle, I guess. Somehow. So yeah, relax. However, that may translate to you high schooler. God, I can't imagine being in high school today. Too much stimulus. Yeah, no, I would not like to be a high schooler with an iPhone.

I wouldn't last. I wouldn't last four years, let alone a day. All right, that's it. That's our episode. We crammed two questions in after a lengthy discussion about mental health. Yeah. Thanks for letting me indulge and talk about myself for so long.

And you. Looking forward to your next birthday. Jesus. All right. If you have your own questions, your own theme song, send them

to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. This episode will come out either when you're in Nantucket or in Alaska. So hopefully we hear what happened there hopefully it was a calm

vacation for you guys follow me on Instagram you can see all my vacations I'm actually trying to get as many followers as I can we will be back next week I gotta make up 30k wait a minute the closing theme song.

Opening theme song was written by Ryan. And this closing one, derailed by the bit, was written by Joshua Leach. Joshua Leach. Thanks, Joshua. Thanks, Ryan. Thanks to you guys for

listening. Follow Jake on Instagram. We'll be back. Bye. Bye. Hey there. Part two from England. Yo, yeah, Jake and Amir. Sick as a deer. There's noise in your ears Ringing loud and clear And if I were you I'd do, do, do

I'd paint myself blue And I'd smear the light of blue That was a hate gun podcast.