Segments - 396: Ice Cream Girl

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

In this episode we discuss being newly single, high school crushes, and unrequited love.For more advice, check out our bonus Thursday video episodes on our Patreon.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when

you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at HeadGum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. When life is full of questions and you don't know what to do, just write on in to If I Were You. And these two dudes will tell you what they would do. If I were you Show.com Folksy. That is a bluegrass chic theme song

made by a bluegrass musician with the No Good Redwood Ramblers, a Northern California group. Okay. If I like that, I guess I like bluegrass. That's possible. That definitely sounds like Northern California. Like, that's got to be coming from Eureka.

Yeah, he's got it. And he's also a radio host on KHUM, a free-form music station in Humboldt. So this guy's like cool Northern California. Yeah. So much north that they look down on San Francisco. You ever think about like if you could live anywhere in the world, where would make the most sense

for you to live? Not like where do you want to live? Yeah, because that's like where are most people like me? Yeah. Like, yeah, when somebody meets you, where would they expect you to live? Nowhere tough. So like i wouldn't come from chicago or detroit because i wouldn't survive yeah uh so suburbia in a way um a warm weather

like almost like phoenix but phoenix isn't jewish enough oh so maybe like los angeles or like the valley or something like that are you thinking i don't think you look... The 818 produced me and it's the only place that I could survive. I'm a chihuahua. I am a little rat who got by with a lot of help from my friends. And your parents. I got by with a little help from my mom.

I guess I could have been like an East Bay kid, like Walnut Creek or some shit like that. Oh, there you go. Like northern California suburbs. But still warm weather. And you? bay kid like walnut creek or some shit oh there you go see that like northern california suburbs but still warm weather yeah and you uh i feel like in my heart of hearts i'm like some kind of northeastern northeastern state i would like to think i'm more of a Maine. Than a Connecticut. Than a Connecticut. Because Connecticut is a little more, I'm a little more rugged, a little more in touch with my spirituality and stuff. Yeah, like more outdoorsy. Connecticut is more like yachts and rich Republican types.

Right. And I'm like upper middle class, but I'm definitely. Alt-right. Yeah, alt-right. So like I'm super, super conservative, but I'm not rich. So you're a poor, conservative Christian. Oh, yeah. So I'm from Arkansas.

So you're from Maine in your heart of hearts. Where would you say you're from in your fart of sharts? Michigan. So in your fart of sharts. In my fart of sharts, I'm from Michigan. Deep, deep, deep in your asshole where you fart and poop accidentally comes out. And we're in, so yeah, we're, I'm from Michigan there. What about you?

In your fart? Miami. Yeah. So still warm, but more like humid Latin flavor type style Judaism. A Cuban sandwich. Yeah. And it's like, so like, it's so hot and humid that I have swamp ass. Like in my fart of sharts, I'm just completely used to the moisture down there,

whether it's baby food, a shart, just humidity. That makes sense. It's a sweltering rainforest betwixt my cheeks. Right. Actually, can you grab that banjo? Sure. One second. It's a sweltering rainforest

between my cheeks. Is there a famous bluegrass? Because I like that, but who should I listen to if I like bluegrass? Blues Traveler? That's cool. I do already like them. So it stands to reason. Okay. This is If I Were You,

the only advice show on the web hosted by me. I'm Amir. And me, I'm Jake. We've transcended podcasts. The word is obsolete at this point. Right. This is not just a podcast that minimizes it. It does.

It's a show. It's a movement. It's a show. And it's not just an audio only show. Because we sometimes take videos of it. Yeah. Shout out to our Patreon. There's a video of our podcast every single week.

Every other Thursday on Patreon. Oh, sorry. It's a video of our show, not a podcast. Oh, yeah. A television show, really, if you watch it on TV at patreon.com slash JA. That's correct. You could watch some bonus content for half an hour at a time. We watch old Jake and Amir videos.

There's clips of it on our YouTube channel, which you can watch for free. So if you want to dip your toes, you can do that. Yeah, youtube.com slash if I were you show has clips. There's been twice, and I think I uploaded both times, that you've laughed so hard you've kind of vomited, was it? Yeah, it's crazy you've puked or almost puked choked right one time i came really close i had to spit everything out and then the second time i really thought i was like i don't know what's gonna happen here i'm

gonna have to throw up if i want to live yeah i was like i was laughing so hard that i but i didn't know what to do all of those you're choking like the wrong spot. It was crazy. It's like you breathed it in. I had a full-on... You accidentally waterboarded yourself. It was a flash of me knowing that I was going to have to throw up. It was just like, you're going to throw up. I don't know how I didn't throw up. Maybe you did.

Well, I definitely did something. Well, you threw up water. Does that count? It wasn't in me, and I threw it up. It was in your mouth. It was in my mouth. I spit the water out and then I sort of like

hacked and coughed a lot right until you you sort of superficially threw up yeah your body does something weird when it thinks it's gonna

swallow something and it doesn't like in theory I just like I was laughing I had something in my throat then I spit it out but then like

why did that should have been problem solved I'm mad at me i'm mad at my bod for that but not your brain my brain's my my brain did good your brain's fine my brain was like don't throw up and i didn't yeah it did all right one time my body did okay it was like chernobyl your brain are like the people inside there and they're like scrambling to figure something out and eventually they did we don't know how they got out of it.

Yeah. But your body is melted down to the core. Right. So something way worse than I even realized probably happened. Yeah. So just like Chernobyl. You'll find out in two years when you start coughing blood. All right.

This is a question from, is it a lady? No, it's a dude. A dude with a kind of lady's name. Ooh. Ashley. That's name. Ooh. Ashley. That's cool. Ashley writes, I'm being kept up at night by this conundrum.

I need your help. I got out of a two-year relationship. I'm 23, a few weeks ago. Ended up on a Tinder after a week or so looking for a casual hookup. I met up with this weird but cool Scottish chick and we started sleeping together pretty casually, just what I wanted. But now I'm realizing she's pretty cool and don't like the idea of her sleeping with other people. Obviously, another relationship is the last thing I want. So my question is, should I just stop talking to this girl who I

probably have feelings for because I like her too much for the casual thing to work out? Should I just see if she wants to date properly? I don't like this option very much. Or should I just man up, keep it casual, and keep hitting up Tinder for hookups as well as this girl? Thanks. Come to Edinburgh. Love, Ashley. We just missed that Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

I always wanted to go to that. Yeah. Do we have to have like a show to present there or you just want to go for as fans? I would just, I guess I just want to go to Edinburgh. I don't even need to go for the Fringe Festival. Oh, you just want to go to Scotland. Yeah.

I do want to go to Scotland. But it often feels like we can only go to these like English speaking cities for a show. And like that sort of facilitates a more exotic vacation. It's ruined traveling for us when we have to pay for a vacation that we're not getting paid to go there for. It's like, why would I go to Scotland unless someone's giving me enough cash to go there? Well, it's just like sometimes I'm like Scotland, that's a cool place. But if I'm going to if I'm really going to take a vacation, I want to go super far away.

Yeah. Scotland's like, I could go there for a show and then continue on into deeper exotic territory. Yeah, even northern Scotland. Oh, that'd be kind of fun. Deeper still. Deeper still. The Isle of Man. I do want to go to the Isle of Man.

The Isle of Flans. So what would you do if you started liking a casual hookup? Would you break up with her because you like her too much? Is that weird? I don't think that's ever really an option. Does anybody ever truly do that? That's like saving yourself from yourself. It's always something people say.

Like, I just need to cut myself. I need to break this off because I care too much. That sounds like an excuse. But no one has willpower when you actually like someone a lot you're done you're done you're not going to be able to just cut it off it's like your brain and your body thing again your like brain knows like oh this isn't right this isn't logical but your body just it gets so turned on chemically that they have to have it. That your brain is finally like, okay, fine, we'll hang out. But this is the last time.

Or you can just, is it weird that it bothers him that she's sleeping with other guys while he sleeps with other girls? That's a little weird. It's a little hypocritical. But like, I think that if, I think that you're fine. You're just starting to like someone.

This is such normal behavior. But he doesn't want to get into a relationship again because he just got out of one. Too bad, man. It doesn't work like that. You like somebody, you like somebody. Unless you're like actively just never see anybody more than twice and make that a weird hard and fast rule. That seems real. I mean, that would have to be a hard and fast rule because it's a hard rule to follow,

but you better follow it fast. That's cool. You would be better at doing this than I would. Like stopping something, like being more logical than emotional. Yeah. Especially when it comes to a relationship. Yeah. It's tough because you do want to enjoy the single life, but then part of you enjoying the single life involves meeting people. And sometimes you like the people you meet. And then it's like, how do I enjoy the single life if I'm enjoying this person? But like, it's ultimately weird because you're like, you want to quote, enjoy the single life, which means you want to be happy, but this person makes you happy. So it's like, why not just hang out with her? The tough thing to me is like, remembering that you always return to the balance.

Like if you're obsessed with someone and you want to spend all your time with them, that's nice and you can do that. But there will be a day inevitably when you want to have a little bit more balance where you have personal time and time with your friends. Right. So I think it's a dangerous precedent to set that you're like, I'm always available and we hang out nonstop. So maybe there's like a slowing down version where you're like not completely jumping into this relationship, but you're seeing her once every four days, once every five days. Yeah. You don't need to speed this up. You're going to be fine.

Just. That is a common mistake is like, this is so fun. I just spent the last three days with this person and now we're kind of in love or something. It's been like a week and a half. And it's like, whoa, this is too much, too fast, too soon. And then you have to bail. So maybe the most you can do is not leave yourself but slow things down.

So I guess that's option B. Just continue seeing her the way you have been because that's evidently working. You guys are liking each other. And you're not exclusive yet. So you can still do your hanging out with other people thing for now. Right, but she can too. And that's just one of the pros and the cons of being in a relationship like this.

Especially in Scotland. Like the rules are so different there. You don't even want to know what the rules of dating in Scotland are. It's just so different there. Do you know any of the rules? oh yeah yeah yeah a lot of them are like super antiquated rules about like how to date in scotland it's such a bizarre scene how to date when do you go clubbing and it's all like club culture body language has a lot to do with it there's a club culture and body language in scotland yeah it's like there yeah i like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's like- It's changed their chemistry? Yeah, because it mutes everything. Because when you're soaking wet, I'm not talking about vaginally.

I'm talking about your hair's damp. Okay. And if you're constantly like that, it fucks with you. Even if it rains a lot in Scotland, why do you think everyone is constantly wet and has damp hair? They probably have umbrellas. Because you're raised in it. It's considered un-Scottish to deal with it. So you think they just sit outside

in the rain all day? I think they wear windbreakers actually, but that still trickles down to their jeans and it gets them wet. And then when you're walking around with wet thighs, you're not really looking to make a wet thigh. In Scotland, of course, I'm talking about specifically. Yeah, I know you're talking

about Scotland. We haven't changed the subject i think we should but anyway yeah i guess i do too and a lot of it is like golf based they have like such a rich history you're just throwing random shit onto your theories like you used it was antiquated clubbing and and body language a club scene yeah and then you turn that into just people are different because they're wet all the time. They're wet and they talk like, they're like, can I have like a scorch egg, will you? That's definitely not a Scottish accent. Or like, I really like that. That's a terrible New Zealand accent.

Imagine being on a date, basically, and like the person's like, oh, hi. And you're like, sorry, I don't get what you're saying. I'm from Miami. I think you think dating in Scotland is different just because people have accents. I feel like that's what it really comes down to. They're accents and they're soaked. They're wet. They're not wet.

And it's gray all the time. So they're not getting the vitamin D. And you've never been to Scotland. Is that right? Never been to Scotland, but I watched a documentary about the Fyre Festival. That's so unrelated. I'm just saying if you want to talk about that for a second. I don't.

I don't want to talk about that. That was a fucking trip. You don't know what you're talking about ever. Why would I want to have a conversation with you about anything? It was like this festival. I know what it was. And they couldn about anything it was like this festival i know what it was figure it out or whatever it was what happened so did you see the documentary or not i fell asleep i was on my phone and my eyes were dry it was on i fell asleep i woke up at four okay don't yell at me and i was back at the home screen i watched the trailer. Half asleep through bleary eyes, and it looked like someone got taken advantage of.

What happened? Why are you getting upset? You're crying. I'm in Scotland. I really am in Scotland. All right, next question. I guess. Where were we?

Trying to figure out which one we haven't answered yet, you know? Uh-huh. It's tough. Yeah, I know. All right. Here's a guy. You got them? Yeah.

I got one sent from Windows Mail. So we'll call this guy Bill Gates. All right. My name is Bill Gates, and I'm a junior in high school. I recently had a rather rough conundrum that I need your guys' help with. My father owns a landscaping company, and during the summer, that's right, during the summer I work with him to get enough cash to get me through the winter.

I'm a landscaper, so I go to Wilco Farms store in my town for supplies, gloves, plants, etc. Because I go there almost every day, I've begun to fall in love with a girl who's a cashier there. Now you're doing a voice of somebody you assume is a landscaper. I haven't seen her before this last month, and I honestly believe

she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met. We talk on occasion, sometimes at the register or in the parking lot, and when we don't get a chance to talk,

I just smile and wave, which she returns. Here's my problem. I really want to get to know this girl. I think I can sense some chemistry between us, but I'm not really sure.

On Monday, when I was working in the Wilco parking lot, I saw her pull up in the car, and she asked me if she needed to move. We were spreading bark dust. She didn't want to get her car dirty. I know what car she drives, so today I left a note in her door saying the following. Sure, I may have had bark dust in my eyes, but that didn't stop me from admiring how beautiful you are. Oh no. I also left my email address for her to quote write me back because I didn't want to jump straight to texting.

Did I do something creepy or was that okay? I'm writing this the night of and she hasn't responded yet. How do I get to know her better? Will this be enough? Thanks so much. Love, Bill Gates. Dear, I don't know. This is one of those things where if it works, it's smooth as hell.

And if it doesn't, that's the reason she didn't ever talk to you again. You know? He almost took his risk. Like, usually the advice is like, what should I do to open up a conversation? This guy already did it. He already, he did the scary part. Yeah. You did the, I would have not, I would have done, I would have done my number.

It's a little more romantic. Than an email. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, it's hard to leave a note. It's putting yourself out there because then you're just staring at an email. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, it's hard to leave a note. It's putting yourself out there because then you're just staring at your email. Yeah. What if you see her?

Yeah, it's the biggest risk in the world to leave a note on someone's car. It is scary. It's putting yourself so far out. I know it's scary, but it's not as scary as, like, you know, saying something. Yeah. But I don't know. I always am afraid to, in person, it's like you're really putting that person on the spot and they have to answer right away. Yeah. But I don't know. I always am afraid to, in person, it's like, you're really putting that person on the spot

and they have to answer right away. You're saying like, do you want to go out with me? And then I'm staring at you. Oh, that's hot. I mean, totally.

Yeah, that's awful. You don't have time to think about it. No, but I mean like, there's ways to do it that are like more innocuous. You know,

like you talk about a group hang. That's cool. Some people from this thing are going to this thing. Yeah. You got like me and the guys from the Wilco store, that's where this guy works at, are going to,

are going to go to this bar afterwards. You should come by. And then it's like, it's a nice social setting. There's no, there's no like, give me your number. There's no,

give me your, here's my email. Admiring how beautiful you are. You show up. Great. And then also there's then out like I can't and there's a possible romantic continuation with like I can't but I want to go to the next one. Here's my number. Right.

That kind of thing. Give her like a predate option. I think it's – because for me, I think I'm terrified of rejection too. So, I mean, taking a big swing and leaving a number on a car or fully straight up asking and being like, will you go on a date is a lot. That's why I always tend to do an in-person friendly invite to a social thing. And then that's like getting somebody out of like your normal routine of talking to them at the register all the time.

Then you can see if there's actual chemistry and if someone's interested. Yeah, I would say like do the like the 2019 way of like find her on social media, DM, flirt that way,

Snapchat. But this guy seems to be like such a down to earth kind of guy. He's a landscaper. He's going to a farm store. This girl works at a cash register.

It sounds like a 1970s romance or something. Yeah, and the other thing is this already happened. So there's not really like... This is what I want to follow up up. We're giving it... Yeah, I want to follow up up on this. Did she email him back or not? And here's what...

All right, so here's my opinion on what's happened here. Yeah. Okay. You basically... Like flirting is all... It could go either way. on what's happened here. Yeah. Okay. You, basically, like, flirting is all, it could go either way,

and it can end romantically, or it can't. And, like, you'll find out, and basically what he's done is be like, all right, I want to know the answer now. Yeah.

Now it's time. He's biding his time. He's like, it's like a no whammy, no whammy, press your luck situation. And he's like, you don't want to wait too far because then it gets too long. You don't want to start too early.

It's about timing it just right. And at a certain point, he's like, now. I want to know now. And he's, I don't, so, and my point is that I don't think him writing this is going to affect the outcome either way he's sort of like they were it was either gonna work out no matter what yeah or it wasn't ever gonna work out no matter what this act of putting the email on the car doesn't change it it just gives him the answer sooner

that's good and it's a little more painful or joyful so like you could flirt with her for a year and then eventually maybe start dating yeah you could flirt with her for a year and then eventually maybe start dating. Yeah. You could flirt with her for a year, have it fizzle out and be like, this isn't going to work. Or you can just like height of joy right now. She emails you back and is like, I'm interested in you. Let's hang out.

Because we're hearing the story from his narration. So we don't know if she's like, this guy is awesome and he's so cute and I can't wait to see him. Or if it's like this guy who I don't really think about, like is one of 40 guys that comes into the store and it's kind of weird that he asked me out because we didn't really share a connection. And that story could both exist within this framework. We're hearing it from an unreliable narrator. I would imagine it's very different for guys and girls. Like whenever I was at work, like in a summer job or something, there's, like, one girl. You're like, this is amazing.

Like, this person here is the most beautiful person in the world. And she probably thinks the same thing about me. Because it's only us here. But, like, for girls, it's like, oh, I'm, like, the one girl here and everyone fucking likes me. Yeah, that's just sort of how it is for me. And then I went to a different ice cream store and somebody wrote a note on my car there. I have like 80 notes and I can't remember who you are. What was it?

Bill? Bill Gates or some shit? Did I ever tell you about the girl that scooped ice cream at the Wentworths in my hometown that I was in love with? No. I was like, let's take a break and you can tell us after. Well, thanks to sponsors. And you'll hear the story right after these messages. from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know

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you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Oh, it's a little sooner than I thought. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. I don't, maybe. I've still got my love story. Okay, so let's see if we can glean the advice from how it went down. I'll tell the story and then you can see if there's a moral to it. Got it.

Okay. I'm in high school. Pervert. What? Sorry. We're all in high school. I'm not in a high school. I see.

I thought this was like two weeks ago or some shit. Yeah, no. All right, so me and my friends are in high school. There's this ice cream store in Hamden that we used to go to. And there was a girl that would scoop the ice cream at the store. What's it called? It's called Wentworth's. Okay.

Great old school Hamden staple. Classic. It's classic. It's right at the base of Sleeping Giant. Beautiful. I thought you don't like ice cream. Or is that a recent revelation? That was after, during college, I worked in an ice cream store for two and a half years. And that ruined ice cream for me. So before that, you're loving ice cream or is that a recent revelation that was after during college i worked in an ice cream

store for two and a half years and that ruined ice cream for me so before that you're loving ice cream i i guess i know yeah i liked it i mean i was never like a fiend for it but i gotta get it it was good you would eat it yeah i liked milkshakes okay and and i liked wentworth because this girl was there pervert and me and my friends friends would drive to Wentworth all the time, like, hoping that she's there. I never, ever had the courage to talk to her, ever. She worked there. She worked there. Yeah.

And then some, like, random thing happened. We took our SATs, like, a whole bunch of students in one school, and, like, all of the towns kind of took them there. Yeah. She was there, and I and I like almost said something, but I was too afraid. Wow, you saw her out and about. I saw her in a while.

Saturday morning at 7.45 a.m. And then I went away to college. I never saw her again until probably six or seven years later. Whoa. In New York City. Oh my God. 25 years old. Holy shit.

She was working at Grey Dogs. She still works in food services. She still works in food services. But I walked in, I was like, this is insane. Grey Dogs was far too salty for me. Do you remember the sandwiches there? They were just so salty and the potato chips. I don't know if they handmade them,

but it burnt my tongue. You didn't like Grey Dogs? It wasn't for me. It was just, I think they overused the sodium. No way. Their whole homegrown chalkboard menu shit. I went to fucking placate you. I never once enjoyed myself there.

Really? And whether you got the sandwiches, which were too big. They made their own chips. Yeah, they made their own chips. They were salty. They were too salty for me. And it's like, you can always go side salad but then it's like, okay, great, I had fucking

a fistful of leaves with my marble rye pastrami fucking coleslaw Russian dressing salt bomb. I never liked it there. Anyway, continue. You're in a shitty mood. No. I don't want to tell this it's like it's like

grey dog's still there yeah i think so i mean christ it's a great it's a great story and you're in a sour mood there got a fucking heart attack from the blood pressure tell it is it telling like a love story they had good soup i remember they had a turkey you're waxing you're waxing i want i that was pretty good you could do half what's the opposite of poetic you're you're waxing. I want, I, I, that was pretty good. You could do half. What's the opposite of poetic? You're, you're waxing chaotic about that. That's a cool album title. All right. You walk in, who are you with when you walked into great with two of my sisters.

Ooh. Um, and, and like, I recognized her and we, we like talked at the register. I can't remember if she like, if she said something or if I,

if I said something, but it was like, I eventually, I was like, you used to work at, we must have had a genuine interaction. And I was like, you used to work, did you still live in Hamden? At first it's accusatory and then it's like, I'll back off a little. You used to work at, or did you used to live in Hamden? I think I was like, did you used to work at Wentworth? I wouldn't have said you used to work at wentworth right grabbing her wrist um anyway it she it was her she used to work at wentworth's there was no doubt in your body no and she was like yeah and

then we like talked a little bit she's like beaming she it was a good flirtation she was flattered that you remembered her yeah and but here here's the problem. I had a girlfriend at the time who I was like getting serious with. Uh-oh. And I really just meant it to be like a friendly interaction. But you can't have a friendly interaction with somebody like this who you like spent all of high school being in love with. Yeah. There's too much buildup. But then she wrote her number down on.

Oh, my God. She's like, let me give you my number. She she wrote her number down on – Oh, my God. She's like, let me give you my number. She gave me her number on a plate. That's cool. On a paper plate from Grey Dog. On a ceramic plate. And I sat down with my sisters and they were like, that was Wentworth's girl. That was the Wentworth's girl.

They all knew about her. They knew about her. She was famous to you. But then I was like, I can't. I can't even have this. It'll ruin my relationship. It already borderline has. I was like, absolutely kidding.

But I got rid of the plate, got rid of the number. A year later, I'd broken up with the girl I was dating. You have to get the number. Well, you didn't take a picture on your phone just in case? No, I shouldn't. For a rainy day. I guess that's, but like. That's the advice.

Well, now I'm married. No. I'm married to someone else and I'm happy. Yeah, but what if she fucking breaks rainy day. I guess that's, but like. That's the advice. Well, now I'm married. No. To someone else and I'm happy. Yeah, but what if she fucking breaks things up? I guess you can. There's always a chance. Just hang on to every number you ever get. Imagine if she cheats on you or something.

I don't, yeah, there's not really a, is there a moral? Yeah, you should have kept the number. For in between, obviously you're married now happily or whatever the fuck. Right. But as soon as that other relationship ended, you don't want to like... Yeah, never had the number. I never even learned her name. Never learned her name.

I guess they probably said it on the number, but I can't remember what her first name was now. If you know this person, don't tell Jake. He doesn't need the plate. He doesn't need the number. I don't need to know. Pay it forward. So I guess keep the number? Keep the plate. He doesn't need the number. I don't need to know. Pay it forward. So I guess keep the number?

Keep the number. Sure. Or don't, and you're going to be fine. You'll marry somebody else. That's right. Because I guess getting the number was the closure you needed. In a way. Better than a relationship.

There's no way that anyone, after you idolize somebody for that long, there's no way they can live up to it that's right i think that's too hard that's too much to ask you were already giddy nobody stays giddy forever imagine like what the first fight with the wentworths girl is like you're like you were late to dinner uh you said you said you were going to be home you didn't you didn't even pick up the wine you said you were gonna get wine on the way home yeah sorry i was just like at SoulCycle I completely forgot about you I figured you would still be here because you've pined over

me I was I was I was role-playing as her getting mad at me I see but I it's it does make sense that you would assume that I was the asshole in the relationship. All right. Next question. Sure. That was beautiful, actually. That was almost really beautiful. All right. Who was with you at Wentworth?

Because we need the name of a guy who's also spent the last three years having a crush on a girl. Ooh. Eddie. Eddie Wrights. So it wasn't girls. What's that? of a guy who's also spent the last three years having a crush on a girl. Eddie. Eddie writes. So it wasn't girls. What's that? Eddie's a homosexual man. Which is fine.

It's good. It's great. It's awesome. Yeah, Eddie's a man. You remember Eddie. We stayed with him. He was great. All right, Eddie writes,

so for the last three years, I've had a crush on a girl who I go to school with. She's extremely hot, and I've always considered her out of my league. Despite this, I've always kind of had this thing where we would almost get romantic, but then she'd decide we should just be friends. Well, we graduated high school, and everyone goes to all these graduation parties, and it turns out she finally likes me enough to go for something. We made out at her party, and it was her first kiss.

Then we made out at her party and it was her first kiss. Then we made out at subsequent parties. The dilemma is now she is leaving for this crazy summer college program. She's going to be gone for six weeks, then be back for a week before I have to go to school. Now, at any point in the last three years, I would have died to be in a relationship with her, but the timing is just, I don't know. Do you think it's a bad idea to get in this relationship with her, even though we are going to different schools across the state? I'm not going to be coy with you guys. This Chica is amazing. I'm talking muy caliente. She's an absolute dime, and I'm blown away that she feels the same way for me as I do for her. Not to sound like a diva roach here, but is there any way that we can at least continue to make out

for the week we would still have together? I don't want to have to do anything that would hurt her. Appreciate any feedback you can give. So this guy actually started making out with his Wentworth girl. Yeah. Wow. I can't even imagine. And now she's going to be gone for six weeks and back for a week before he has to go to school.

So there's really not a lot of time. No. But there's something in between nothing and a long distance relationship. Yeah, it's hanging out every time you guys are in the same relationship. Yeah, it's just staying in touch. And she's not going to come back into town and have someone else to make out with. No. Nothing's changed.

You're still number one to her, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're the only one to her. Right. I think it's still solid as long as when you guys are both back home, you're making out. That's great. Because she can make out with people while she's away. You can make out with people while you're away. But then you're back home. Boom.

You're the ones making out because there's not anybody else that you usually make out with around. Do you think the default is that you usually make out with around. Do you think the default is that you can make out with other people until you have a conversation about it? Or the default is you have to be exclusive unless you have a talk that says we're not exclusive? I think it's all case by case. But I think generally you can make out with other – if you've only made out at a bunch of parties, there's no fucking rule around that. Yeah. Oh, God. How amazing and yet terrible the timing of it all. Yeah. only made out at a bunch of parties there's no fucking rule around that yeah oh god how amazing and yet terrible the timing of it all yeah it's really i mean it's you also should just be like

just chalk this one up as a win like an unequivocal good thing that happened everybody is so quick to be like all right i love this girl forever. We made out. It was great. But now. Yeah. You love this girl forever and you made out. And that's great. And there's no but now. Just awesome. That's great.

You did it. Enjoy the ride. Congrats, bud. All right. Oh, this is one from, I believe, a lady in Australia. An Australian lady. Margot Robbie. That's cool.

I think Margot Robbie is my new Wentworth girl. So you think that you'll see her, but... No, I think I'll idolize her from afar and never talk to her. Got it. Okay. Margot Robbie writes, Love the show. You guys are awesome. Margot Robbie writes, love the show. You guys are awesome. I recently downloaded Tinder and need some advice. There's this one guy that I'm really interested in, but he hasn't messaged me yet. How acceptable is it for me to message

him first? What can I say to let him know that I'm interested without coming across as a weirdo? Also, I need a funny bio. Help. Hmm. Okay. Why doesn't this lady download Bumble, which is like forces you to make the first move? That's true. I also, I mean, definitely just send the first message. You know, it doesn't even have to be good. Yeah, that can be completely acceptable. You can let them, since you're a girl, you don't have to have anything locked and loaded that's exceptionally clever without coming across as a weirdo. Right. I think that that's... Even an emoji. Any, literally any emoji.

Yeah. A wave. That's all you need. It's kind of nice. I mean, everything else sucks about being on the apps when you're a girl. Yeah. But one nice thing that you should totally just rest easy with is that your opening message doesn't have to be shit. Like, you're going to deal with a lot of terrible shit and I would definitely

rather be a guy on a girl than the apps. But one nice thing, you don't have to give a fuck about your opening message. It really doesn't matter. Anything will do. Clever bio for a girl. Um, I haven't seen a good bio in a while since we're off the apps.

Yeah, it's true. I usually go with, I'm taller in real life, but I don't know if that is good. Oh, my brother's is if you're under 6'11", swipe left. That's pretty good. Yeah. She could just use that one. That might actually come across as real for guys.

That is the problem. I guess it could say if you're over 5 feet, swipe left. If you're over 4 foot six, swipe right. The thing is, guys, some guys will by default swipe right on every single female. Yeah, that's true. So it's like telling people to swipe left. So you can joke about swiping left. I think you can go if you're over 6'11", swipe left.

No, what was it? If you're under? If you're under 6'11", swipe left. Yeah, you can almost beg people to swipe left and it still wouldn't matter. That's true. All right. We have actually one last question from a guy who's had a crush on a girl for a while. So maybe that's the theme of this episode.

Nice. Who's another guy that you went to ice cream with? Matt. Matt writes, my name is Matt and I'm 21. There's this girl I've liked since 10th grade, and we've been talking more and more lately. The problem is, she told me she only dates black guys. We're both white.

Anyway, I want to know how to get this girl to like me back. By the way, she's a solid 9 out of 10, and I'm probably a 2. I'm 6'6", 400 pounds of not much muscle. I don't know if that could possibly be true. Please help me. I'm not sure how much longer I could be the guy friend

with nothing in return. Is it possible that he's six foot six, 400? Yeah, of course it's possible. That's a huge man. He should be playing college football. Maybe he is. That's cool. This guy's a starting right tackle

for the Green Bay Packers. And he still can't get fucking laid. Well, if you're, regardless of what you look like and she looked like, can you change someone's mind about who they date? I don't think you can. No, no, you can't. Yeah. Whether it's, I only date black guys or only date these guys or only date that guys or everybody has rules. Or I date everybody but I don't want to date you. That's right. You can't change somebody's mind. No. All you can do is, again, just be good, actively nice and happy in her presence.

I'm not saying that people's minds don't change. They can change. And there's like – there are ways to like encourage people to change their mind but none of them involve trying to convince them to change their mind. Right. All you can do is be the best version of yourself and hope that they notice. All right. That was a quickie. So let's get to one last question from a lady we'll call the Wentworth's girl.

Oh, my God. That's right. We got to answer as many questions as possible to make up for last week. Right. Hey guys, I'm about to leave for college and I was looking for a fuck buddy to fill the time before I leave. Me and this kid I go to school with used to hook up and we've recently started doing it again, which has been amazing. But the past three times he was supposedly supposed to come over when I was home alone, he's bailed on me. His reasons are always really obscure and he always says that he can't come about two minutes before he's supposed to come over.

Should I end it with him? Should I stop talking to him for a while and make him want me again? Is it possible that he suddenly finds me unattractive? Love the podcast, but need your advice. Who knows what he's going through, but it's definitely not worth the bullshit of like trying to schedule with him yeah you never want to block off time for a guy that blows you off two minutes before yeah and like since you're not looking for anything that serious and you don't really like him totally fuck this guy yeah but like i like the idea of distancing herself and wait till he decides to

make a move yeah that's i think he's sort of he's like a guy who does a little more like, I'll cancel an hour before, see if she's mad. All right, cancel five minutes before. Oh, she still wants to hang out. Cancel two minutes before. He really doesn't think that highly of you that you keep coming back and still want to hang out. Definitely. It's really discourteous to cancel right before. Yeah, even if it's a lunch date, you don't want to do that. I mean, the person was already fully mentally prepared. Yeah, definitely. It's hard to do anything in the world,

but the fact that you got geared up, even if it's staying at home, but mentally excited to see somebody, to have it just go away instantly. Yeah, what do you do with your time now? I guess I'll watch Netflix and Krill. That's a documentary about sea urchin. Whale food. Is krill seafood?

Or whale food? Krill is fish, right? I know whale eat them. Krill. Net flesh and krill oil superba. That's right. Krill are small crustaceans in the order of euthanasia that are found in the world's ocean. The name krill

comes from a Norwegian word word, krill, which means small fry of fish. So Netflix and krill, to finish my joke, is watching a documentary about small crustaceans. Fair enough. All right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks so much for writing in.

If you have your own questions, ifireyoushow at gmail.com. If you have your own theme songs, same email address. It's all the same, ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was that one written by the Bluegrass, why can't I remember their name,

Bluegrass Singer Cam From the No Good Redwood Ramblers This closing one is Another Lady, Gem Stellar Ooh, is this another band? Theme song submissions I'm no Michael Bolton He's super famous

And I have zero music experience But this was fun to make Check out my me doing non-musical things at It's Really Jasmine. So, thanks Jasmine. Thank you. And thanks Cam. And thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back,

of course, next week. Remember to follow me on Instagram. Of course. I'm just a little bit fucked at the minute. I don't know where I should begin I lost my dog, quit my job, fucked my boss and I'm not sure if my penis is the right size I'm feeling lost, down on my luck, maybe I should just go and kill myself in a Starbucks My Tinder date didn't go so hot

Not sure if I'm a chipmunk or not But here I am, what can I do? But listen to if I Were You Show starts now