Segments - 397: Cryotherapy

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

In this episode Jake takes control as we discuss bad sex, bad friends, and good olympians.For more IF I WERE YOU, check out our Bonus Thursday Video Episodes on our Patreon.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Dear Jake and Truell, I've got some problems and I might need some help. I hope you can solve them in a bit of a stitch. Need help from the pitch. No one will know who I am. No one will know who I am. No one will give a damn about me.

If I were you, the podcast, baby. If I were you, the podcast, baby, starts now. Ooh. Epic. I loved it. Epic tune. Same, because we love Wheatus. Did they have any other songs but Teenage Dirtbag Baby?

They didn't need one. They could release that a million times, and it would be my favorite band you guys that is from shane cameron day one fan and patreon subscriber this is my band strong persuaders which is a parody of teenage dirtbag by weedus we know he says if you end up using this song it'd be awesome if you plugged our album songs from last night available on apple music and spotify so check out strong persuaders and their uh their album songs from last night okay check them out uh you're i usually um i usually read that emails that come in like and uh yeah i take the lead on that right so and what's happening now because i feel like like your watch has ended, as it were. I feel like you've been phoning it in almost since episode one, frankly.

Phoning it in? For six years, I've been phoning it in. So what do you know is my maximum effort if you think I've been phoning it in for the entire run? I don't know what your maximum effort is, but I can tell you that you haven't even come close to reaching it. So I think I'm going to take over. I'm going to take charge here as the host. You'd pass the mantle to moi. All right. Okay. All right. So I'll be hosting this episode. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, Jay Kerwitz. And me, I'm Amir. All right, nice. That was pitch perfect. I think,

I mean, it's a little low energy, but I feel like it's already... Because you're the host, doesn't mean you should be like giving me notes throughout. I'm not going to give you any more live critique. I won't give you any more live critiques i just wanted you to i wanted to flag an issue that that felt a little low energy okay but flag it um it's actually it's not a big deal because i feel like this podcast right now is already leaps and bounds better than any other one that we've done just three minutes from a pure hosting yeah standpoint i think it's really it's a really strong episode. Despite your best effort, you little bitch, you won't be able to ruin it. Oh my god.

You think I'm trying to sabotage this? I like that you did a little bit more work. If anything, it's freeing me up to be a little funnier. Should we get right into it then? Why are you asking me? I just like to keep the show moving along is all. I prefer to keep the show moving. Do it. Move it. Don't say just like to keep the show moving along is all yeah i can't i like i prefer to keep the show moving so do it move it don't say you prefer to keep it moving actually move it saying

that you prefer to keep the show moving along humming along it doesn't actually keep it moving i want there to be a little bit of less of like uh like a uh he said he said thing and more of just like a yes if you could yes and me sure that would help me host yeah because those things actually pretty fucking hard okay i know yes i know we're almost at episode 400 and i've kind of taken the reins on all of them so don't tell me it's actually a little difficult so if you could work with me that'd be really freaking helpful if by the way if it's hard for you so far then maybe it's a little bit too much for you. It's not hard for me. It's not hard at all. I'm just in over my head.

Yeah, it sounds like it's hard. Okay, well I had to find a friggin' theme. I had to find a theme song and the questions. Okay, so now the least you could fuckin' do is come up with a name for a lady, okay? A lady name.

Okay, let's call this lady lady like from lady and the tramp okay that was it's a little it's a little lazy but fine that's good that's great fine fucking amelia earhart nice that's historical reference can we do something with more of a pun a pun off what i don't fucking know off what i don't know i'm i'm trying to host i'm trying to keep the show moving i just need you to okay punzel a pun on the word pun yeah that was actually fucking epic and i really appreciate it um it when you're mad and when you're happy you display the same level of angst like calm down calm down. I am calm. I'm just a little nervous to be hosting is all. Don't say I am happy. I'm just a little angry. I am

calm. I'm just a little nervous. You're not calm and you're not happy then. You're nervous and you're angry. Listen, I'm good, okay? I'm freaking out just a little because I've never hosted before, and I want to do a good job. Yeah. Okay? All right. But I'm fine. I'm just having a little bit of a meltdown on the day. Oh, God.

Okay. Another panic attack. Oh, God. All right. Rapunzel writes. You're vibrating. That's right. Dear Ace and Jocelyn, recently I went on a great first date with this guy I met on Hinge.

He's 26, hot, and confident. We ate lobster fries and talked for hours about a good mix of personal and stupid shit. Needless to say, I felt very connected to him, so after a few drinks and some kissing, we went back to his place. Unfortunately, the sex was really bad. Feel free to skip the details. I will not be skipping the details. But I just want to clarify that this is

not a case of mismatch preferences. Here's a couple bullet points for what this gentleman did wrong. Yeah, I'm just curious what bad sex, because I've never had it, so it'd be interesting to hear what she says it is. Okay, so you might be having bad sex if

he didn't know what a clit is and kept sticking his tongue in my vagina. Okay. He had no rhythm or fluid motion, like he would go from a slow jog to a sprint and back every 10 seconds. When I got on top to take control, he kept shoving his hips up randomly, almost throwing me off each time huh usually yeah usually i'm really honest with a person about why i don't want to go on a second date so should i tell this guy the only reason i don't want to see him again is his terrible sexual performance he's 26 and attractive so i feel like someone should tell him what he's doing wrong otherwise this will just keep happening to other women he's already hit me up twice but i stalled by telling him i have strep throat cough cough thanks for your help rapunzel oh interesting i never thought

of sex so much of like a as a rhythm dancing thing maybe that's why dancing well is such an aphrodisiac i see like if you can dance well you have good rhythm and then it's it exudes sexual confidence because it's sort of the same skill set this is like a verbatim line from uh lonely and horny season two where i think i say if you if you can move oh no jeffrey james says it if you can move on the dance floor you can move in the bedroom that's right that is correct um it does seem kind of like that, but it almost even like having good like rhythm and moves is one thing, but like just having no rhythm in sex almost feels like another, doesn't it? Yeah, but it's all, I guess it's all under the same umbrella of movement and rhythm and cadence. It's like knowing when and when you're doing it with a partner adjusting accordingly.

Right. But I don't think it's about like, you know, doing things on a beat or keeping good time. It's more about like reading social cues. And like if you're jackhammering, that's not necessarily good to go jackhammer and then, like, slow it down. Jackhammer, slow it down, you know? Yeah. Like, you have to build to stuff like that. If it's not dancing, then what is the best indicator of sexual performance?

I feel like, I don't know. Is it SAT score? It's obviously not SAT score, and you only asked because I know you got a perfect math. I mean, if you think about it, if you know geometry, you know sex. If it was SAT score related, it would absolutely be likened to verbal. If anything, it's an inverse relationship.

That's possible, too. i wonder if if you can dance well that's a good harbinger um if you're funny that's probably good improv i think so because timing and i there's some it's weird because she said she had a good conversation so i feel and like they had a connection which i would feel like is also really important just in terms of you sort of get a sense of if something's going well or not, being able to read the room. Yeah, right. Yes, exactly. It's like performing slash rhythm. It is very performative. For an audience of one, or if you're lucky, 10. Or if you're really lucky, a thousand-person orgy-style venue. I think it almost starts to have diminishing returns at that point.

Yeah. Like, what do you do when you nut and you're in the middle of a thousand-person orgy? You have to, like, leave. You have to excuse yourself. Back of the train with me. I have to get to the bathroom and everyone's sucking and fucking in front of me i'm slipping and sliding on the cum i can't even get my fucking bearings straight stop groping me for a moment i have to i have

to get a cum rag can we 86 the strobe lights this orgy is disorienting um so but the real question aside from you know how do you know if you're bad at sex is should she tell this guy that she doesn't want to see him because the sex was bad yeah i mean she doesn't have to give him an excuse she could just say hey i don't think we should see each other anymore. I just didn't think we clicked. The question is, does she then go above and beyond and say, by the way, going forward, I can save you a lot of heartache by telling you this honest little nugget? Yeah, I it's really it would be a selfless thing that's the weird thing that it's like she's doing a service to future women if she's like you're sick you're bad at sex you should work on it but i also wonder if it's like too mean yeah if anything she's doing a cervix to future women that was a good pun but

it wasn't any advice so you're gonna have to really step it up here. Okay, here's the actual advice. If you want to give him the advice, but have it not seem like it came from you, you wait a year and then write him an anonymous email or note. I would hate to get something like that. By the way, you don't know who I am, but we had sex sometime in the last decade. That's right, you keep it vague. That way he doesn't blame you, but he takes your notes to heart. I think if you're worried about hurting his feelings,

that would probably hurt them the max. Oh, more so than, by the way, I'm not interested and this is why coming from me. Yeah, because if somebody says that, like if he's hell bent on not letting this get to him, he could be like oh like that we just we didn't click sexually but i'm still good not like you'll have him questioning his entire last 10 years of having sex yeah uh if you're if you're doing it anonymously i feel like that's

giving him way too much of a complex yeah which i Which, I mean, it might not be untrue. Like, it does take two to tango. Having rhythm with a partner can't entirely be on one person. Yeah, I don't, I, it, these three bullet points all sound pretty bad, especially the, the sort of, like, random hip gyrating. Yeah. But depending on, like, who you're having sex with, there are, there are people are people that might prefer it.

Right. Yeah, and not knowing what a clitoris is isn't good. Well, it's not like he doesn't. I'm sure he knows. She just, I guess he ignored it. Maybe he knew and didn't care. He felt like vaginal penetration with his tongue was the key. So would you, I guess as as the guy would you want to

hear this would it be you wouldn't want to hear it but would it be overall good for you yeah i don't know because i've definitely had bad sex before and like known it was my fault there's a there's a decent chance that he's like man i like i didn't do a good job that time. Yeah. So I think that that's possible. I would, I feel like, is it crazy to say that it's really rare to meet people you like on the dating apps? And even though the sex was bad, it might be worth, like, learning somebody's rhythm and, like, working with them. Like, the best way to make him better at sex is that you guys keep having sex. So if you like him a little bit

and you want him to get better at sex, you guys continue having sex and you can shape him to your ideal sexual partner. Or just cut and run. Say the strep throat killed you and never talk to him again that's that would be my advice i'm think i'm too far gone in this strep throat it's taken my entire body by the way i

think i got it from you bye you should learn what a clitoris is thank you rapunzel let's go on to our next question okay amir i am going to need a lady's name a lady's name yes another lady um another woman will call her i'm gonna need you to like do you know what i mean because like when i say i need a name you got to hit me with the name because otherwise it's like i feel like this we're walking on a tightrope in a way this train i have one on the tracks and it's teetering i have it's like anything any little slow bump any time that we spend discussing and dissecting i got one this episode yeah just hold on one second because i just want you to know that like yeah delaying it by not being able to come up with a name jasmine actually really jasmine that's perfect i was just gonna say that it fucks me a little you don't have to say anything because i

already gave you the name all right we'll use we're gonna use jasmine great um but i just want you to know moving forward that i need that name like don't need to narrate so why don't you host you don't have to narrate i'll edit this part out okay you won't you're not editing i'm still gonna edit all right well fine you'll edit this part out just i'm just saying it might i'm not going to us i want everybody to know exactly what it was like dealing with this leave it in fine leave it in okay i don't give a shit but just come up with three more names just in case we get to more questions so you like hit me with them right away because there's a lot resting on the shoulders of the host i don't think so.

And I feel like I'm going to crash and burn if you don't help me out just a little bit. All right. All right. You guys ready? Yeah. Jasmine writes, hi, guys. Longtime listener who really wants to go to a live show in San Francisco. That's actually a good idea.

Yeah. I'll get to the point. My dad got diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer a couple of months ago. All this was, of course, although this was, of course, not great news to receive. Things were going relatively okay and that we had a plan for him to go to chemotherapy and then get surgery if he's eligible after the chemo. This is where the story really gets fucked. He has an idiot friend from France who's made a lot of money on bullshit nutrient supplements.

This idiot started emailing him that the chemo is killing him and that he should not get the surgery. Parentheses, his only real chance of survival. But instead go on a ketogenic diet to cure his cancer. We didn't expect this, but my dad drunk the Kool-Aid. Him and my mom, a licensed physician, have been fighting constantly as she knows that a diet will not cure his cancer and his stupid friend is preying on an ill person. My dad, for some reason, will not listen to her, me,

or his other smart, caring friends that agree with us. Do you have any advice on what we should do or how we could possibly convince him is having cancer an excuse to be a total dick to the people who love you and are trying to help? Sorry for the long email. Thanks for listening. Todah Jasmine.

Jeez. This one's serious. When I host, I get fucking dark. I get deep. She actually needs help. Yeah. It seems like, well, just to answer the, does it give you, what is it? Advice or excuse to be a total total dick i mean yeah having cancer is difficult

so it's it stands to reason that you'll be a little bit short with people because you're dealing with your own shit right it is so it is difficult does it give you an excuse to be a dick let's say yes let's say it does okay that said yeah even though he's allowed to be a dick, he's your dad. You're allowed to give a lot of a shit about this. Yeah. So I would say that even though it's hard and you're fighting a lot, pedal to the metal 100%. Do not give up because the alternative is that your dad dies from going keto and you wish that you did more. Yeah, it seems like he's maybe afraid of getting chemo and he's like, oh, this seems like a fine out.

I can just not eat pasta. Yeah. That was easy. You could maybe convince him to go to a therapist because then you're like, I'm gonna convince you to do any any chemo just i'm gonna convince you to seek more opinions yeah i although it seems like every single person i want to say have an intervention but it seems like they already have had one in various stages just not everybody at the same time yeah but i maybe maybe therapy is is a helpful one because, like, right now the choice is, like, chemo or keto. And those are the two things that he's deciding between.

But give him one, like therapy, which goes with both chemo and keto and might be able to get to the root of why he doesn't want to do the chemo. Yeah, which is probably fear. Which is probably fear. Which is probably fear. And you could also go hack into his email and just set up a filter for this Frenchman's email address so they can't communicate anymore. Yeah, if this dad is anything like my dad, it should be easy. I'll have carte blanche access to all of his passwords. He doesn't, he'll text me saying he can't log into his mail, saying he has to set it up or like change it on his computer, his phone. Like I have more access to his email than he does.

So this shouldn't be an issue. Because like your dad is a really smart guy. Do you think he doesn't get technology because he doesn't care? He doesn't want to? Yeah, it's like he's already done learning all this shit. He's a physician. He knows how to deliver a baby. He doesn't also need to deal with,

all right, I forgot my password, and now it has to be this specific kind of 12-digit alphanumeric. Oh, you didn't do a special character. And he's like, that's, I think I'm done. Amir, you do my password. Email it to me. And then I'll write it on a fricking sticky and put it on my computer monitor. And then I'll deliver a baby after that. You think your dad's going to deliver my children?

Not unless you're willing to move back to Los Angeles and see him in Santa Monica. That's possible. Anything's in play to see Dr. Blumenfeld. That would be a really beautiful thing. It'd be an honor. Anyway, that is the... Name her Jasmine. Yeah, I should.

All right, that is the first half of our show. We're going to go to break. We'll be right back. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do.

I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan, and now I'm just a fan of the league in general, but I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes

you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players

and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Whoa-za. Very cool.

Download the new DraftKings Pick 6 app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777

or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits,

expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know

that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need to know a little bit more about you our audience the survey is quick easy and free to support segments it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about

the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Amir, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson!

Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. I don't, but I did see recently that you did cryotherapy. Oh, yes. That's where I went into a hyperbaric chamber and cried my eyes out, right? Yeah. So what urged you and what was it good or was it like one of those snake oil salesman things where it didn't actually do anything?

So I'll tell you what happened i it had never occurred to me to do cryotherapy it was a birthday gift and it was a surprise birthday gift from my brother it seems like a good gift because you're always into like new medical schemes and dreams yeah i'm always down to see if some weird new therapy will heal my chronic foot pain. I'm game for that shit. Yeah. Wait, real quick, what is cryotherapy for those of you who don't know? Okay, I mean, I barely know, but you basically climb into a tube that they make really, really cold with, is it nitrogen?

I think it's nitrogen. Yeah, dry ice or something. Yeah, it's some, whatever it is, the temperature goes down to like negative 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Freezing. You're in there for three minutes, super cold,

and it's supposed to like help fight off random diseases, but it also helps with pain and inflammation. That was the reason that I went in there. Okay. And yeah, so you wear gloves, you wear socks and slippers and your underwear. And aside from that, you're in nothing. So your legs are bare, your chest is bare, arms are bare, backs bare. You get into a container that sort of, it's like a standing up tanning bed where your head is poking out the top and then they just let her rip it starts to get cold you feel like oh i just jumped out of the ocean and there's a breeze and then you're like i just jumped out of a frozen lake

and there's a bluster and then right by the end you're like this is this is too cold i feel like i'm in pain but then it's by then it's only like, this is too cold. I feel like I'm in pain. But by then, it's only like 20 seconds left. So you sort of just like tough it out. So it's almost like a frog in boiling water. You don't get in, and it's instantly the coldest you've ever been. It gets colder and colder and colder. Right.

And it's only three minutes. So you really can, you can like mind over matter. You can do it. I was also in the room with Jill and Micah, so it was kind of funny. They're like distracting me. it um but it did i mean it was it i'm not sure if it like felt really great after because it almost feels like you know going skydiving or something you did something that was so far out of your comfort zone and you lived so you're like a little euphoric uh-huh um but also i didn't have a foot or i've been having like random pain in my hands a little bit lately too uh and it was all my pain was gone for the day so wait what is your hand pain i don't fucking know

man i really don't you're dying i think so i do you still have hand pain uh yes yeah i do but it's not too bad is it joints is it wrist is it the palm it's joints and i guess it almost feels like i have arthritis or something like gripping i can't make a really tight fist got it um i think like it started hurting i think when i was like riding my bike too much, it almost seemed like I was gripping my handlebars too tight and they were just sore from that. I see. Uh, and then like going rock climbing,

I hasn't like allowed them to heal, but I think it'll be fine. It's not too bad. Okay. Uh, I appreciate your concern. So overall, are you digging the,

the cryo? Do you prefer it? Do you, do you, um, is it, what is, what am i trying to say do you suggest no recommend recommend it do you recommend it this is why i'm the fucking i'll actually delete that part out um i would say that i recommend it at least once i don't know if

i'm going to keep on doing it because i actually i since it was a gift, I also have no idea how much it costs. If it was like more than $50, I don't think I would do it again. But it does seem, it seems like a kind of fun thing to do. Like almost in the way that like getting a manicure or a pedicure before you go on vacation. Like I would totally do this i did this on my birthday to like feel really really good throughout uh the day of my of my big party you know yeah yeah it's like it's almost like a massage or a sauna but in reverse yeah would you ever try i guess i would try it but it doesn't i wonder if it actually does anything it's yeah i i don't know it could definitely be pseudoscience but tom brady does it so and he's chiseled his shit yeah and he's a

super bowl winner and his hands probably don't hurt maybe they do you really never know yeah it kind of makes you it it shows you how impressive tom brady is at age 42 still playing nfl football i know because then i, it's crazy. And I like ride my bike over the Williamsburg Bridge and I have to take two weeks off. Because of your hands. Yeah. All right, that is the unsolicited advice.

Let's get right back into the show. Amir, hit me with another girl's name. Well, another girl's name. This is ladies' choice, baby. And are you like stalling because i told you just have these names ready to go and i feel like you maybe just were like oh a girl's name because you weren't thinking of one moana great all right moana writes hey jake hi amir so i've been uh so i've had a running problem with guys my whole life not that they don't like

me but as soon as i get into a relationship, they leave me for someone who is either mean or hardcore. I've had three out of three relationships end this way. The first two both broke up with me for my friend, so I know exactly how she flirted because she showed me the text. She would flat out insult them, not in the flirty, teasing way, but she would pick out their insecurities. One of my exes asked her out and she laughed in his face and told him he was far too short. This is how she does it. I don't get it. She has told me I need to start doing the same because guys like to feel frustrated, which I get.

But when I like someone, I like to make them feel really good. I've always pictured myself in a relationship where we are so comfortable we don't need to play games like that should i start bitchy bitchy teasing or continue being sweet in the hopes the right partner comes along thanks a million moana you have to be a bitchy tease whether that's you being yourself or not the end game the goal of dating is that everyone just becomes a nasty version of themselves until we all die. All that shit about. So like in an ideal world. Yeah.

In an ideal world, everyone's breaking up with everyone for someone else who's been mean to them. And they are really upset and mad. And then someone else is even meaner. And they're like, oh, you make me even sadder. I should be with you, et cetera, ad infinitum. Yeah, meaner, madder, greener, sadder. Everyone's recycling but bummed because at the end of the day, they're all getting teased about their shortcomings, their insecurities. If they're shorter than average, that will be brought up.

If their teeth aren't straight, that won't be good to them. Thin hair, do care, constantly scare. Why are you bad in any regard? Any regard. Did you notice that she's had three of her relationships end this way and two of them her friends stole like doesn't it almost seem like you don't have to be a bitch to guys you have to not be friends with this lady who keeps on stealing your boyfriends they like bad bitches that's their fucking problem that is a fucking problem but this is crazy and like the this friend was like

she showed me the text and she said he was too short. Like that is, she was flirting with your boyfriends. I think sweet people attract sweet mates. I've seen couples where I'm like, oh, both of these people are very sweet. They probably didn't play any nasty, mean games to each other. And then you see couples that are both too cool for school, constantly ribbing and being sarcastic because they were also themselves. and they created a situation where they attracted the other type of person.

Yes. The best thing you can do is be yourself. Because I think even if you're not mean and you try to be mean to like get someone to like you, it's not going to be authentic. Also, definitely stop being friends with this friend of yours. She's not a friend. You know what she's such a nasty bee that she's not only attracting guys but this lady it's working for you what do you wait what do you mean that's right

oh like i'm saying that moana is even falling into her trap i see yes yes she's mean it's right she's not just mean to your exes she She's mean to everyone. Most of all you. And for some reason, she's your best friend. This is like that thing, the game. Do you think there's any honesty and truth to this theory that negging makes people into you? I mean, there must be. I know it works on me. So it's definitely possible.

Wait, you like when ladies are mean to you and they flirt with you? Not like fully mean, but I think that having to win someone over is definitely a fun part of the game. Yeah, but do they win you over by being mean to you? It really depends, because I've definitely had people who try to be mean to me, and I'm just like, I don't have time for this. I don't care. I guess, actually, it's probably less about the actual attitude and more about the person. Like, if I like somebody just based on their physical appearance, they could be mean to me, and I would be like, that's fine. And then if I don't like someone off the bat, I don't feel chemistry, and they're mean to me. That wouldn't change anything.

Yeah. There's also an idea that maybe negging and stuff attracts people short term, but not for the long haul. And it seems like you're more interested in the long haul. If you're, she says, I've always pictured myself in a relationship where we're comfortable and we don't need to play games. Yeah.

That's like, then don't try to play games because then you'll just be with someone who likes games. That's right. If you want to play games, you'll attract a player. That's very true. So take our advice, Moana. Let's read our final question, which comes from a guy. No ladies choice my perfect game is over

okay a dude will call al adin why oh i see i see very nice um al adin writes shalom i love the show jake and amir lonely and horny and the podcast network thanks brah here's my problem me and my girlfriend met on tinder and been going out for three months however recently we both picked up an extra shift at work and our days off rarely line up if they do we're too tired to actually want to do something we don't talk as much and when we do it feels like i'm making the effort a few days ago a girl i made out with in college posted a video of her ribbon dancing on instagram hot we stayed yeah we stayed friendly after college but haven't spoken in the last two A few days ago, a girl I made out with in college posted a video of her ribbon dancing on Instagram. Hot.

Yeah. We stayed friendly after college but haven't spoken in the last two years. We also live in different cities and a quick Facebook check showed me she just started dating a guy a month ago. But that ribbon dancing video. She looked so hot. I couldn't not message her. So we get to chatting and our conversation is a rapid back and forth, that fun, flirty, but innocent texting about where we are in life and what's going on kind of thing.

And eventually, the conversation ends up at strip clubs. She says she would be interested in seeing a male strip show, and I impulsively tell her that if she ever comes out west, that we should go to the Magic Mike show in Vegas. She thinks this is a great idea, and we talk a little bit more before she goes to sleep. I have a girlfriend. She has a boyfriend. Can a guy and a girl go to Vegas together as friends? Should I really do this or am I asking for trouble? I want to go but also recognize it might be a huge mistake but I also want to go. I know if I go and we get drunk, I will try something. I might

act like I won't, but deep down I know, so I'm not going to try and lie to you. Todah, Al-Adeen. Yeah, I think if you're in a relationship, you can't get drunk and go to Vegas and then go to a strip show with a member of the opposite sex that you made out with in college and still have a crush on and think is hot due to a rhythmic gymnastics video. I would agree with that. I also love the sentence, I want to go but also recognize it might be a huge mistake, but I also want to go.

It sounds like that's two votes for going. It's just a run of I want to go with a tiny little this is a bad idea in the middle no it's a yeah go ahead and it opens with uh this is why me and my girlfriend don't really make sense if you think about it yeah i i would say regardless uh i mean you might as well not cheat on your girlfriend because it sounds like you guys should break up with or without this ribbon dancing thing yeah between like uh she has to pick up an extra shift at work and it's just like the most boring mundane shitty relationship stuff and then it's like but

this other chick what does rhythmic gymnastics and wants to party in vegas with me by the way not rhythmic gymnastic it's ribbon dancing okay this is not the same shit i don't fucking know dude i don't think so ribbon dancing doesn't sound like it's as hard i don't know for a fact but i but i do pretty much pretty much know for a fact that i would be good at ribbon dancing really like what do you have to do you just it's all the ribbon you're saying anybody can ribbon dance well because the ribbon is cheating. Show me a good dancer sans ribbon. Yeah, rhythmic gymnastics is actually hard.

Ribbon dance, that's like, let me, I'm just going to search ribbon dancing very quickly. I think rhythmic gymnastics is like the ribbon, but also a ball. Oh, I see. You got the ribbon, you also a ball. Oh, I see. So you got the ribbon, you got the ball. Interesting. So I looked up ribbon dancing and on the side from Wikipedia, it says ribbon and then rhythmic gymnastics.

So maybe they are related. Okay. So how about this question for you? If you were a single man and somebody is like, I want to set you up with a friend of mine who's an Olympic athlete. What do you think the hottest Olympic event would be for that person to compete in? Like, what are you hoping for at that point?

Don't you remember when I went on the date with the Olympian? Oh, right. The winter Olympian, right? Yeah. No more specifics. Knock it off. Wasn't she a a loser quit it quit it that's enough oh you know no she did a biathlon right she what's the one where you do uh

the the skiing and shooting yeah that was her biathlon that was biathlon all right yeah yeah that's biathlon she was a biathelist yeah um would i i guess i would probably hope for oh i mean god they're all so gorgeous uh track and field oh really you just want a fucking sprinter yeah strong legs damn too late you got a fucking shot putter fine it's steven adams sister she's 6'5", 240, and can throw you the length of a football field. Honestly, great. I don't care who you are. You're strong and fucking powerful. Crush me, please.

What about a diver, a high diver? That'd be great, too. There's truly no Olympian that I wouldn't be in love with, just based entirely on the fact that they might have been around Michael Phelps once. What about dressage? So it's not quite horse racing. You're just sort of riding a horse as it does interesting leans and jumps. Yeah, I guess that would be pretty fine.

Who's your favorite dressagist? Probably Alyssa Milano from Canada. Really? Why? Are you not into her? No, I think that she's pretty cool, but I prefer... I can't find what, sorry. Yeah, and not like in my Wi-Fi doesn't work.

I think in a doesn't exist type of way. No, they're just all too good all they're just like all too good they're all they're all tied for first uh what's what's yours uh sport that i want someone to be uh olympic medalist yeah diving would be pretty cool swimming would be pretty cool what about a pole vaulter that's really hard to pull off to pull off nice uh what did we tell this person to do um oh i forget what the question even is oh yeah to break up with your girlfriend shit can a guy and a girl go to vegas together as friends no no should i really do this or am i asking for trouble asking for trouble yeah i want to go but i also recognize i'm making a huge mistake but i

also want to go go you can go like everything making a huge mistake but i also want to go go you can go like everything that you're worried about is solved if you break up with your girlfriend which based on the first paragraph you want to do yeah it sounds like it's in the cards anyway this was a leading question yeah i mean the fact that you are it's just like if i go i'll hook i like i'm going to try to hook up with her. So is that a mistake? Even if you didn't hook up with her, even if you guys just went to Vegas to see a strip show and came back, that's also not fine to do while you're in a relationship. Nope. It's also not fine to DM her based on this video.

None of it is fine. All of it had to be done unsecretive. All of it had to be a secret. You might as well just not. If you're not in a relationship, you can do anything you want. Wait a minute. If you're single, you could do anything you want. Yes, exactly.

So you can go to Vegas or not. Including go on a date with Ulla Salzgeber, a german equestrian and olympic champion of dressage we know who ula is okay i'm just saying you could really go on a date with ula if you were single she sounds icelandic uh she's german okay she's not icelandic anyway break up with your girlfriend thank you Aladin thank you Amir this has been if I were you if you've got any theme songs or questions send them over to if I were you show at

gmail.com our first song was obviously obviously from Wheatus themselves and if not Wheatus then I think it was a guy from Strong Persuaders from Shane. Remember, check them out on Spotify. Our closing theme song, I actually couldn't find one.

So I figure I'll just fucking close it out myself. What? Because I feel like that's what the host does. No, the host finds two theme songs. That's part of the deal. Well, I couldn't find two. Okay. So what's the plan here?

I couldn't find two. So I'm going to close it out because I feel like a host just gets the job done. Okay. So what's it? Do you have an instrument? Are you going to go a cappella? I don't have an instrument. Okay. I don you have an instrument are you gonna go acapella I don't have an instrument okay I don't have an instrument I'll go acapella it's you can auto tune it in post if you want to knock

it on it's really good okay well that's only if you want to make it sound really good it can definitely be pretty good hell I came up with a friggin original theme song of the show remember the episode one yeah that's me so i can do that shit all right um this is the end of the show the show is over that's been if i were you hosted by jake and his friend who is a jew all right the end i hated that same that was a hate gum podcast