Segments - 398: Alaskan Adventure

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

In this episode we discuss Brazilian waxes, renting apartments, and Jake's new career as a development executive.For more If I Were You, check out our bonus Thursday video episodes every week on our Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh. Oh. Since I'm ugly, gotta listen to the podcast. Get advice to get me laid at long last. Finally, I might not be an outcast. Seize a little cheeser, else my boys will put me on blast. Swipe on Tinder just to try to get a preview. With Jake's advice, I'll get to show them my cashew. Everything I know, I learned from these two Jews. Day one, fan, that means I've listened since the debut. Realize I don't want to be a virgin. Lonely and horny, master my perversion. Golden Mike seems

like Jake is only worthy. how come everybody want to give him me the turdy jake and amir jake and amir jake and amir now jake and amir jake and amir jake and amir now jake and amir jake and amir jake and amir now i can't tell if he's a human or a chipmunk all right with the red hot chili peps red hot chili peppers were so famous in the 90s What happened there? They've only gotten more famous in the late, late 20-teens You rarely hear about Flea Is he still playing in the celebrity basketball game on MTV? Is Anthony Kiedis still rocking a long hair at Rockin' Jock Softball?

Anthony Kiedis still rocking a long hair at Rockin' Jock Softball. Anthony Kiedis. Wow. He doesn't even come up when I type Anthony Space on Google. Yeah, that's not a good look. What about Anthony Space K? Yeah, number one. Don't worry about that. Okay.

Do you think he has an Instagram? Let's see. Anthony Kiedis Instagram. Or is it just like a fan gram? I can't tell if this is him or not. I don't think it's him. Yeah. It really better not be him. Because it's a lot of low-res images of the chili pepper on tour in Denmark in 1989.

Yeah, it only has 300 followers. i don't think it's him i remember when i visited israel as a kid like my cousins loved the red hot chili peppers they were like the coolest they were basically like you two after you too but then what happened in the last 20 years i guess you could say that about any musician i think there's well anthony kidis looks like he has a bowl cut and a mustache now oh Oh, that's cool. Which I think makes him kind of cool. I guess I still sometimes see them at Laker games. Their music still definitely gets played.

Yeah, but are they still making music? It looks like they're still on tour from this post of Flea in Egypt. That was March 12th. 2012. Wait, he was doing a show in Egypt? Well, I don't understand why else he would be on tour with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah, he's got a show right now. Wow.

He's got 600,000 followers. I think they're doing great. I think they're touring, man. That's awesome. It turns out I have the problem. You do. The Red Hot Chili Pe peppers are fine they're the goats i never liked them that much i gotta tell you i just gotta be honest with you i don't

yeah no same i i also never really liked them but i mean under the bridge is still a great song yeah that song like came out 30 years ago that's crazy but like that's not that song doesn't really seem like a red hot chili pepper song does it yeah so we won't give that to them what's another good song of theirs californication that was more rolling stones than them yeah i don't think they have a song because like every song that is bad is theirs and every song that's good belongs to another band absolutely yeah what's another red hot chili pepper song oh uh uh scott tissue that i wish oh yeah that's theirs that's definitely theirs that one's theirs right sarcastic mr know Oh, he does sound like the Game Boy. This guy's right. He does. That's right. Jamie Ashworth wrote that he has no musical background, but still wanted to contribute.

Pretty good for no musical background. Honestly, no musical background. I don't think the Red Hot Chili Peppers had one either. Kiedis was a soccer player who just found a microphone one day, and Flea was his mailman. And he's like like i can probably jam out on bass if necessary uh this guy says he has no shout outs uh except for the two nerds that helped him make this jacob and ryan only one of them who hasn't landed an intro theme song yet so i really need this also you can tell my girlfriend emily good luck in law school this year. Sounds like he's breaking up with her. Good luck in law school.

Good luck in law school, Emily. Flea should have gone to law school. Actually, Flea is a very outspoken Laker fan on Twitter, and I have to say I agree with a lot of his takes. Really? Yeah, he's a smart basketball fan. That's really interesting. Maybe we could get him on Buckets.

That'd be cool. Hey, Flea. By the way, I'm going to start hosting Buckets with you. What? Yeah, I'm going to be the co-host of Buckets. That's pretty cool. Who decided that? Upgrade.

Not upgrade. It's an upgrade for your pod. You don't know enough about basketball. I'd have to catch you up every episode. It would slow us down. I don't need to know a lot about basketball yes you do like bus buckets isn't really about basketball buckets is have you ever listened to it listen to a bunch of buckets it's mostly like about how many three-pointers could be scored in a quarter

that's in 1987 that's that's all basketball and the fact that you're saying that sarcastically means you're not a good co-host. It's basketball adjacent, but it's mostly just weird mathematical hypotheticals. I think I could really help steer it in a better direction. Mathematical hypotheticals. Yes, you do. By the way, I never talked about how many threes somebody can hit in a quarter in 1987. So you made that up, and then you have a note about it.

You do random shit like that like who's the who's the tallest basketball player and the shortest basketball player yeah i mean we did an episode about the best player at every height but we don't do quote random shit like that has anyone ever done a game where they only scored a one free throw or some shit don't don't say you done a game like just saying done a game means you don't know enough some shit. Don't say done a game. Like, just saying done a game means you don't know enough about basketball. You don't say has anybody done a game where. It's not interesting takes. To you.

It's hypotheticals of like, wouldn't this be crazy if. No, that's not true. You're sort of veering in and out of what it actually is. So like, yeah, sometimes we do talk about stuff that happened in the past. But then when you say like it veers off into hypothetical takes, that's not true. You're like sort of clumping it all together in order to make an argument. And I don't appreciate it. I'm not.

I know I'm saying it's a great show. Why else would I want to be the co-host? I just think I can take it in a... What you're doing with the show now is nonsensical no and i'm saying it's sensible i could do what i could bring to the table if you're willing to let me co-own the ip obviously not that to what you want to you want to start licensing it as a television show that you own? Yeah, I mean, not right away, but I think if you let me in there,

if I get to put my stamp on the thing, I think I can really make this show saleable in the secondary marketplace. Like where? Where can you possibly want to make this saleable? Twitch, bitch.

You want to package it and sell it to some sort of... Hulu, yoo-hoo, Hulu, okay? There's a lot of different marketplaces where this show really works, and podcasting ain't one of them. You went to Alaska and came back as like a development executive. This is such an insane term for you. I got Wi-Fi and Denali. And then what?

And LTE in the Kenai Peninsula. That's what. And now you buy and sell content to Quibi? Yeah, I think I could make a Quibi of your shitty ass podcast if you let me own the IP. You went to Alaskaaska it's naturally beautiful and you came back and now you're packaging content you're a greedy i was bloodthirsty

i was using a signal booster on a glacier and i and i saw the landscape not the actual alaskan landscape but the entertainment landscape the the line between podcast yeah and and youtube series is blurring yeah okay oh my god do you want to create any content or are you just looking to package sell distribute i think if i can own the ip i don't know what you think create anything i think i can wedge myself in as an owner got it okay so i'll i'll give you buckets but you give me uh not another dnd podcast i don't i don't i am not the sole owner of that intellectual property i can't do that i heard they kicked you off the podcast right well yeah i'm not on the show anymore yeah because you kept you kept trying quote, own the IP and sell it.

I was going to take a piece of Caldwell's actual physical brain so I could get the IP. Holy shit. You're a supervillain. You're a supervillain who's trying to monetize other people's work. I steal people's brains, and then I go to executives, and I say that I own the intellectual property. All right, well, let that I own the intellectual property. All right. Well, let's worry about this intellectual property, a show that you, I guess, do own half of. Damn right. It's If I Were You, the only podcast, advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And what we do here, answer questions, try to steer people who are lost, confused, sort of meandering their way pointlessly through life. And then we say, you know what? This is how we should do it. We're experts at this point. I'm 36. You're 34.

Actually, I just pulled up our email. This one wasn't planned, but it seems like something that is right up your alley. We usually just sort of force ourselves to be wise, but it looks like you might actually have some wisdom for this guy, who's a 23-year-old student looking to rent a place in New York City. Wow. Okay. Yeah, I can help. Okay, so what do you want to call this 23-year-old New Yorker? 23, let's call him Early Jake. Okay, Early Jake.

It'll be like I'm giving advice to my past self. That's right. This is a 23-year-old student. I'm a 23-year-old student heading into his third semester at a theater school in Manhattan. A few friends and I are planning on getting a three-bedroom together, and we've been looking around for months. But every landlord is requiring near-perfect credit score, and my friends don't have a credit since their parents are paying their loans and mine is in the trash, 540, because of loans. I know you dropped out of college, Jake, but I'm sure Amir can understand some level since he was the first rodent to be enrolled at a university in the U.S.

We have guarantors, but these landlords don't seem to care. How do I get a decent place to live when I don't have time to dismantle this classist system? Thanks a lot, Jews. The boy who doesn't want to be homeless. Early Jake. No, I disagree with the premise.

A guarantor will, you can get an apartment with a guarantor. Yeah, it's like the amount of hoops that New York landlords make you jump through is so silly. I remember the whole, I think that doesn't really exist anywhere else, this idea of a guarantor, where you have to have somebody who will vouch to pay like 90 times rent. Do you remember that multiplier? Is that correct? I don't think it's 90 times rent. It's some like insane amount that's like you have to prove that this guy will pay your entire lease if you should default right so it's like you're you need to make 30x the rent

or something like that yeah something it's something that's already too much like something yeah somebody nobody i it's very rare that people i it's rare that you're like making so much money and you're able to pay that rent when you're a student. Absolutely. You're like barely making rent every month. Yeah, they want, it's like a $3,000 a month two bedroom

and they're like, you have to prove that you make $95,000 a year. It's like, okay, I don't make 95,000. All right, can you get a parent or a rich person to vouch that they'll pay your rent, but they have to make $280,000 a year? Yeah. And you're like, why do you have to have such a guarantor?

Like, just know that I have enough money to make rent. That should be enough. I think it's because it's really hard to evict people once they're, like, in an apartment. Right. they they have like 30 days or something but you then you end up you have 30 days then you have to put the apartment back on the market you have to pay a broker so like the landlord gets fucked if you

just like stop paying your rent have you ever heard of a guarantor actually having to pay the rent once a guy like leaves i've never heard of a guarantor needing to actually but i mean it is like it's a legal it's a legal document the person that person is on the hook yeah i mean i'm sure that um that like if if somebody is willing to be like i will care like i'll pay the entirety of their lease They'll probably also help you out month to month if you really, really need it. I'd rather give you $1,500 than to pay this landlord 93 grand.

Right. Who was your guarantor? My daddy was my guarantor. I remember the first time I didn't need a guarantor anymore. Wow. How did you not need a guarantor anymore? Because then I finally had enough money. To be like, I will pay it if I can't pay it. a guarantor anymore wow how did you not need a guarantor anymore because then i had i finally

had enough money to be like i will pay it if i can't pay it yeah if i default then i can have the i'll pay look at my w2 bitch look at that although like you've also heard of like schemes and dreams from some shady friends of yours that like just lie about the guarantor, right? Like anybody can sign a document. When you say schemes and dreams from shady friends of mine, there's no way that you're not talking about Jeff, right? Oh, am I? I guess, I mean, when you bring him up, yeah, that's true. Can't you see him sort of forging a document about not only his credit score, but his guarantor? Oh, can't I? I actually did see him doing that. I don't have to imagine it, because half of Alaska,

the trip that I took with him was him lying, forging a guarantor. Yeah, no, you can definitely Photoshop those documents. I mean, not a W-2 necessarily, but like a letter of employment. That's pretty easy. Yeah. A bank statement. You can definitely fake a bank statement, print it out, and give it to somebody. I feel like it's harder to rent in New York

than to buy a place in 48 states. Yeah, I would say that's definitely possible. Credit score. I mean, who the hell knows their credit score before you have to do something as epic as buy a house like I don't know what my credit score was at age 21 I mean I guess it really I definitely did not either

but I think it matters like where you're looking you know if he's looking in the West Village or something like where it's a super competitive market and people are just generally really rich and buying nice places, you can definitely get beat out by a bunch of people.

Because if you're like, I would imagine it's less about the money and more about like three 23-year-old dudes who are trying to live in a two-bedroom versus one 35-year-old woman or something. Like a landlord would rather have somebody that's going to have a lighter footprint. And also like somebody that doesn't need a guarantor that just seems like a really strong applicant holy shit you're taking the landlord's side look at you you turn 34 and all of a sudden you're talking about 23 year olds like they're little vermin that you're trying to phase

out by getting their credit score i'm a landlord these days you know this yeah and if somebody wants to rent your place out here what do you what are you telling them you want to see the credit score um well i have a there's a management company that does all that for me but i do see like the applicants if somebody is like uh oh, yeah, they have two kids. I'm like, oh, I don't want four people fucking up my house. I like it when there's only one person in there. That's right. So if I had a choice of these are the three applicants. There's a 30-year-old bachelor or a family of four or two college dudes who who want to rent your house i'd be like give me

the i want the bachelor interest obvious you can't actually discriminate based on quantity is that true yeah is that fucking real man i don't know i think i was just kind of being silly like it's like oh you're fucking serious then i... They're going to throw the book at me, man. I'm on record. Yeah, I don't think that's actually... I'm on freaking record right now. This is public record. As long as it's probably not like ethnic-based or race-based, anything like that, age, you can probably discriminate based on the amount of people.

It's all number-based, I swear to God, man. This is public fucking record. All right, relax, man. Jesus Christ. How much IP are you sitting on that you're afraid of getting sued right now, by the way? I have a lot of IP. Yeah. General cleanliness to buckets.

That's all me. That's so little amount. Everything your mind touches. You're sitting on a wad of old napkins from bars with pen-drawn scrawlings of quote-unquote IP. You saw my dad rocking the General Cleanliness shirt in that Instagram photo I posted, right? Yeah. How much did he charge you for that? So my dad's an influencer. I had to pay him 10K for that post, and it wouldn't even live in his feed.

It's mine. That's not going to move the needle. But I think it's all just reinvesting in this IP, so that's a write-off. So you're sort of a development exec and also like an agent to influencers, and the only client you have is your dad. Yeah. By the way, he's not an influencer. I was going to start buying defunct businesses. Have you ever is your dad. Yeah. By the way, he's not an influencer.

I was going to start buying defunct businesses. Have you ever heard about this? No. You can buy a business. Because it's going out of business. Yeah, I could just buy like a defunct business or like a business that's about to go out of business. Yeah, like a radio shack or something. Yeah.

And then I own assets. Yeah. What are you going to do with an old electronic store? What do you want that for? I saw a rye bread factory going out of business when I was in Anchorage. I was in rye. That could be mine. So what?

That's my rye pee. You have intellectual property about rye? you think you own the kind of bread yeah actually moral all right so my advice to this guy is to maybe look in a less competitive neighborhood i don't know where you're looking, but I guarantee is that's enough. That's a landlord will let you do that. And you gotta, you gotta do everything you can, like write a letter to the owner or the landlord about why you want the place that also helps. Yeah. Um, I remember when I was moving into that giant shrub with Dave Rosenberg and Amanda. We really wanted it, and it was a competitive place. And I think we got the edge because we all wrote a very nice persuasive letter. Yeah, and aren't there situations

of guarantors paying an entire year's worth of rent, and then the renter pays the guarantor back? If you have a guarantor that really trusts you, maybe you can do that. I mean, even a guarantor, like somebody that's making $200,000 a month or $200,000 a year, they're a good guarantor, but they can't necessarily pay like... Pony up the 12 grand.

Tens of thousands of dollars up front. Yeah. That's a lot. Well, if you want to be my guarantor, you got to pony up the cash, mother. Mother. And let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll answer some more questions after this.

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Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's

so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lififters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's Alaska! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Yeah.

I don't know. Do you recommend Alaska? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would recommend Alaska. 10 out of 10. Great state. I believe August is usually the rainy month,

but thanks to whatever is happening in the world, it was warm as hell, and it was sunny. And also, half the state was on fire. There was a bunch of forest fires in Alaska while we were there. Oh, I always assumed it's like always 48 degrees like and chilly and rainy it was like a little chilly the highest it got was like but i mean it was 68 degrees a couple days it was it was like pretty warm that's enough for a forest fire uh i think it might maybe it was hotter earlier in the summer, but they didn't get any rain, so it's dry. Fierce winds blow.

They knock down a power line. Jesus. Sparks fly. Next thing you know, five million acres of forest is on fire, baby. That has nothing to do with you, you're saying? Because it was fine before you three hooligans got there. Yeah. Well, Jeff had a spliff when we were in telkita and he's like how far do you think i can flick it uh no it was great we i mean it's just it's

it's absolutely stunning and it's so big it's so vast um is it bigger than texas yes i believe it's bigger than texas I believe it's twice the size of Texas. Or maybe it's roughly the size of Texas. One of those. Jesus. Oh, yeah, you can fit Texas into Alaska two times. It's one-fifth of the size of the lower 48 states. Yeah, like, it's truly baffling.

Why do we own it? It also doesn't make any sense. Just, like, placed where it is, it's in, it's like above the full continent of Canada. Yeah, it's basically Canada. We basically sliced off the left fifth of Canada and was like, this is America too now. I flew to Minneapolis from New York. My flight from Minneapolis to Anchorage was another five hours. I flew to Minneapolis from New York. My flight from Minneapolis to Anchorage was another five hours, basically.

It's like Europe. You're closer to Iceland than to Alaska. Yeah, absolutely. And the reason we own Alaska is because we bought Alaska from Russia, who previously owned Alaska, for seven they also should well alaska at least like sort of touches russia like if you look at a world map it like follows oh yeah there's like the bering strait or whatever it is that's right um and yeah we bought it for seven million dollars wow the guy the guy who did it was named Seward. I think he was the Secretary of State or Secretary of Defense or some kind of government job. He was high, right?

He sort of did it on a whim. He was absolutely baked. He was blackout. I'll take the Alaska chunk off your hands for $7 million cash. In a fugue state, he bought a state. cash in a fugue state he bought a state he bought a fugue in state and it's now he bought it for the price of a three-bedroom townhouse in the lower east side the funny thing is this is all something i read on wikipedia when i was in uh when we're looking at uh we were like kind of curious about the same stuff but they called it

seward's folly because everybody thought it was a mistake to buy alaska everyone thought that america got a bad deal uh and then like a few years later they just discovered all of the gold and oil in alaska and it's like so then he's like oh who's now? Like, yeah, but he didn't know there was oil. Whatever. You had no idea there was fucking oil, Seward. Yeah, but I did it anyway. Now you guys can suck my dick. Actually, I'm going to buy fucking Greenland now. No, because you might not get lucky with the oil thing again.

Whatever, I can win. See, so now it's not that crazy that Trump wants to buy Greenland. He basically bought a shitty painting for 10 million dollars and then they found a really expensive document behind the canvas he was like i knew it would pan out it's like no you told you you just got lucky seward uh but yeah it's it's gorgeous we um let's see we went to we started in this town like outside of Anchorage called Girdwood. It's just like on the water, nice and pretty. But then we drove from there to Denali. And

Denali National Park is crazy. You know what you don't know about Denali? So it's the tallest peak in North America that we know. Well, is that where Mount McKinley is? Yes, but it has been changed to what the natives called the mountain Denali. Oh.

It was always Denali. We changed it to Mount McKinley, and now it's been returned to its rightful ancient name of Denali. Interesting. Who did that? I didn't know that. I wouldn't have approved that. I guess the government made good. Seward's second folly, if you will. It was actually a Yukon Denali product placement.

That's right. Yeah. And then the other peak is the Toyota Sienna Ridge. Yeah, I see it now. It's the hashtag Yukon Denali tent. Oh, there's people giving out Red bulls at the top this is cool those aren't tents those aren't tents that's a that's a nissan cube because you can see that the tent is a square yeah that's really cool actually yeah so it's all car related shit can you drive to the top or like that's like mount everest you can't ever get there

you i'm yeah like you cannot get there it's like multi, it's like a 14 day hike or something. You have to acclimatize. Oh, wow. Half the people that try to summit don't, or 60% of the people that try to summit don't because the weather is so insane up there. Wow. So it is like a little Everest. But this is the interesting thing about it.

So it is, it's not as tall as Everest, but if you look at, if you just like slice off just the mountain part, like the floor to the mountain, it is 8,000 feet taller than Everest. But Everest is part of like the Himalaya range. So it's already so high above sea level that it's. Oh, so just the mountain itself is bigger than Everest,

but like Everest happens to be plopped on like this huge head start that pushes it higher up it's cheating basically everest is cheating and denali which i'm gonna still call mount mckinley i'm sorry i'm sorry but that's how i want to call it you absolutely should be mount mckinley named after our president you're so fucked up yeah named after our 25th president actually William Mcfrickin Kinley and I'm not going to apologize for that

you said sorry but that's what I'm going to call it so you did apologize named after the great William McKinley actually and we'll call it the great William McKinley, actually. And we'll call it the great Mount McKinley because he's making the mountain great again. He looks down on Everest. He looks down on Machu Picchu, which I'm actually calling Teddy Roosevelt Island. Yeah.

So that's Everest. Or sorry, that's Denaliali jesus you almost had me say mount mckinley um we did some cool shit up there we took like a flight seeing tour because you can't just like walk to mckinley and it's all so often shrouded in clouds so we like literally flew over it which was crazy jesus like you're flying above all these ginormous mountains, and then you break through the clouds. You go above the clouds, and then you see like basically twice the size of all the huge mountains you were already flying over. It's nuts. That's cool.

Did you go to Moose's Tooth? I'm just looking at a map right now, and there's a smaller mountain called Moose's Tooth. I don't think we did. That's cool. Yeah. How did Mike break his wrist? Oh all right fine that's that's what i'll that i have two two really quick stories okay then all right okay so we got so i got there um jeff is like they're texting me like where are they picking me up and then uh it's like yeah we've i think he said like we've got a story or something.

And I was like, and I joked that it was a bear attack. And then Jeff. Oh, they got there before you. Yeah, they were there two days before me. I see. So, and I was just, I think I joked that there was a bear attack and then Jeff was like, it's a doozy.

And then they pulled up and Mike's arm is just in like this jerry-rigged splint. It's like it was an ice pack. You know like that black athletic tape that people, that athletes kind of use to like, I don't know. It almost looks like a design or something. So Mike was wearing an ice pack that was taped onto his wrist with a bunch of those things okay um we we went we like ate sandwiches uh on this beautiful rock overlooking the ocean we drank some beer um and i was like mike do you want to like go to the hospital or the doctor

or anything he's like no like everyone i talked to said um if it was broken i would know it like i think it's gonna be fine uh and the next morning he was like it was still in a lot of pain it was like how's it feeling he's like it's real bad and then i this is maybe this is my unsolicited advice whenever somebody says if if it's broken you'd know it don't listen to them because that's what i did with my heel when i broke it everyone was like if you broke it you'd know it. Don't listen to them because that's what I did with my heel when I broke it. Everyone was like, if you broke it, you'd know. And the thing is,

they just don't know how tough Mike is. He broke it. It was broken. And he got back on the bike that he fell off of. Oh, yeah, wait. So how did it happen? You never told us that. All right.

This is what happened. Yeah, I'm sorry. This is a terrible story story it's all out of order all right uh before i got there mike and jeff were riding uh e-bikes they went like along this trail in that town girdwood and mike who does not know how to ride a bike he doesn't know how he learned like me yeah he's like you so he's like learned to ride a bike late in life like when he was in his 20s so he can do it i think you can like you can get it going you can ride a bike but you would not trust yourself on an e-bike going 25 miles an hour would you no of course not as mike should not have trusted himself on on a bike maybe he's got a slightly better handle of it than you do but he learned late uh and so he's riding this e-bike with jeff um and a bee flew into his face a bee and a bug did this to him and I guess he moved his hand to hit the bee or to swipe it away,

and his bike went off the track and he flipped over the handlebars. What? He flipped over the handlebar because he went to swat a bee? And then he got back on the bike and rode 17 more miles and fell off the bike again. Jesus. During this ride, probably because he couldn't grip the fucking handlebar. Because his wrist was broken.

Yeah. So like, so the next morning I was like, let's just go to the ER. Like, we're, our day that day was like driving to Denali and we were going to go on this flight at 4.30, but it was only a three-and-a-half-hour drive. We had time. We could just go to the ER. So we went to the ER, and we were trying to save time. We called ahead, and we're like, hey, can we make an appointment?

And they're like, you're going to be fine. We walked there. No one. It was utterly empty. Right. It's Alaska. 8. Because it's Alaska. 820 people live in Alaska. And we walked in.

They're like, hey, we called. My friend hurt his wrist. There's like four nurses. They just wave us right back in. We go directly into their office. They don't even make us wait behind the glass to give us our information. We're just in there. We're all hanging out. We go into a room to wait for the doctor we don't have to wait for the

doctor he comes in immediately uh he starts like kind of pressing mike's hand and turning the wrist around a bunch and he's like this is exciting nobody's ever hurt themselves here it was weird because like there's not a lot of people but it it does seem like Alaska is kind of a dangerous place. More people live in D.C. than in Alaska. And I guess everyone in Alaska, despite how dangerous it is, they just know how to handle themselves. Yeah, because they're all in Alaska. They've seen some shit. Yeah, they're Alaskans.

More people live in North and or South Dakota than in Alaska. It's 737,000 people in all of Alaska. That's nuts. Yeah. That makes sense. It's so empty. Three and a half million in Connecticut. One fifth of those people in a state one fifth the size of America.

That's how spread out it is. Yeah. That makes sense. It's beautiful. All right. it's it's it's beautiful um all right so so the doctor is like turning mike's wrist around and he's saying does this hurt does this hurt and mike keeps on saying no and the doctor at one point goes phew so we're like wow all right maybe we're good and i start to feel stupid for even suggesting that we go to the er and then they take him through and they like wheel in this

like uh kind of like-agey x-ray that he doesn't have to go to an x-ray room. It comes into the room. They're taking all these x-rays. Me and Jeff are looking at them as they're showing up on the screen, and it looks good to us, and we're like, hey, he's going to be all right,

and then the doctor leaves. We start kind of making plans for the day, and the doctor comes back, and he's like, oh, I hate to ruin your your vacation but your wrist is broken you need surgery surgery he needs it's broken so badly that he needs surgery like right away yes it almost it almost made us have to like literally go home oh my god yeah but the doctor was like it you have to see he's like the first thing he said is like you can't go to you shouldn't go was like it you have to see he's like the first thing he said is like you can't go to you shouldn't go to denali you have to see um an orthopedic surgeon but then

that guy wasn't even going to be open for two days so we were like can we just why don't we just go and then we'll come back and he said that that was fine but they wrapped so they wrapped mike's arm in like this uh way more professional splint than just like the shit that we got from cvs they gave him some pain medication we went to walgreens and bought us a hoodie and cut off the one of the sleeves that should do it who needs a surgery when you have a hoodie with a sleeve but yeah yeah, he needs to get surgery. He's doing it probably ASAP now that he's back. Jesus, and they have to like bolt his wrist bones together? I think that's what they're going to have to do.

I forget which bone it is, but like it's, if you look at the x-ray, the bone is separated pretty far from where it looks like it should be. Which is weird because you and jeff you and jeff said it was fine yeah yeah doctor are you sure i took a pretty cursory glance at the x-rays and couldn't see that big of a break but when they printed out the x and those were on pretty those were on like iphone size screens when they printed it out even i could see it and i'm i'm a real dumbass.

And I'm hardly a doctor. If I can see how bad the break looks, it's not like a hairline fracture. It's a displaced fracture. Jesus. I wonder if he just never went to the ER, never got an x-ray. Would the bones heal itself? No. He would have to eventually get surgery. I'm sure he would get home and Sarah would make him go to the ER. So that's, and that's basically what happened to your foot. Now you need surgery too at one point.

Yes, precisely. So when you hurt yourself, don't think that you can hack it. You, I do. I believe that people are tougher than other people think when they say like you,

if you broke it, you'd know, don't listen to that shit. If it hurts even a little, just go see why not because it's a bummer of a vacation thing yeah nobody wants to spend part of their vacation in an er but it actually was kind of interesting like i felt like my trip to alaska ended up being really well-rounded because of like all of the different people that we met.

We met the guides on the tours. But then we also actually went into the Anchorage ER. And we were wandering around their hospitals. It was just a strange place to be. You don't ever expect that you'll go to the Anchorage emergency room. That's right. We also went to the state fair. So it feels like we just saw every little corner of that state.

Yeah, you saw how the city folk lived, how the rural folk lived, how the doctors lived. And then we saw Denali. And then Mike will sue the e-bike people, and then he'll have to hire an Alaskan lawyer. So we're going to go to the trial in Alaska. All right, last thing, real the last the other place that i stayed that i want to mention is called orca island cabins and that was like all of the the yurts on the coast in um in like near the canai peninsula in like they're all these like fjords basically in the um the lower part of alaska yeah and this place was like fucking magical we just

stayed in a yurt on the side of a cliff wow going into this amazing cove we saw we saw orcas swimming around in the cove whale watching from your cabin yeah and then they also have like kayaks and paddle boards and stuff and i did stand up paddle boarding and was, there were so many jellyfish in the Cove. I've never basically all in all of the coastal Alaska. I've never seen so many enormous fucking jellyfish. Why would you do a stand up paddle board when you're surrounded by jellyfish? That seems like some sort of fear factor challenge. It was.

That's why I wanted to do it because i really well i've never done stand-up paddleboarding and i really wanted to and then i was like i'm not gonna let these jellyfish fucking stop me i'm not gonna i just won't fall off and it's hard to fall off a stand-up paddleboard you like fall down it's not like surfing where you fall off all the time right it's it's not like so wobbly that you like can't it's more like the this thing is gonna stay upright it's not gonna flip got it it's just like you're you're standing on a kayak of sorts exactly so like when i fell i like could fall onto my knees i see i never fell in the water but I did jump in a couple times because the water was so clear that I could see where the huge jellyfish were.

So if I saw one that was like pretty deep down and a little far away, I was like, okay, so I see that one and there's nothing around my boat. So there's not one here and I could jump in and it was lovely. Wasn't it freezing? I was also wearing a wetsuit. No, it was pretty warm. Whoa. I just looked up Orca's Island, and did you know that Oprah bought an $8 million estate on Orca's Island? And she called it Oprah's Island? Oh, I guess there's one in Washington. That's the one she bought, unrelated to Alaska.

Interesting. I just got excited because it was the same amount of price that the United States paid for Alaska is what Oprah paid for her estate on Washington's Orcas Island. Well, they're calling it Oprah's folly. That's crazy. I guess she made a mistake, but she's convinced there's oil under this cabin. I was also talking to people about buying property in Alaska. Not that I actually wanted to, but I always get curious about real estate, you know? Yeah. But they said only 1% of Alaska is privately owned. Meaning the rest is what? Owned by like government and like maybe like oil companies and stuff. Oh, wow. But like, it's really hard to just straight up buy land in Alaska. Yeah. But there's a bunch of really

cool futuristic looking houses for like $430,000. Where? Anchorage. Well, that's not really Alaska. They say Alaska is 20 minutes outside of Anchorage. Wow. You went to Alaska for 8 days and now you're looking down on Anchorage. I would say Anchorage. Anchorage

is fucking Canada, alright? It's not Alaska. I did go to a bar my last night in Anchorage and it was pretty great, actually. You, me, and Marty would have fucking loved it. People were getting turned up in downtown Anchorage. They were getting...

It was like an album release party for this Anchorage-based rapper. So he was doing a bunch of his original songs and they were all really good. But then also kind of like in between sets, he was borderline just doing karaoke to like Drake songs.

And so like Drake was playing, Drake was rapping, and this dude is just sort of also doing it. And it was great. There are no rules in Alaska. Drake's not going to sue anyone. It was this dude, Drake, and Travis Scott all playing one show. That's cool.

All right, let's get to one last question before we have to get the F-O-H. Okay. This one's from a lady we'll call Oprah. Very nice. Hey, guys. Lately, I have been wanting some more female friends. I have about three friends, which do you guys find sad, by the way? Anyway, I work as a beauty therapist, so I do waxing for people,

and a lot of my clients are girls around my age. A few of my clients who get Brazilian waxes, and I get along really well. I know the details about their personal life and vice versa, but we have never communicated outside of the client-therapist relationship. So my question is, is it weird to add one of these friends on Facebook and spark up a convo online? I know their first and last names and have even stalked a few on instant Facebook. The weird part is that I've seen their vagina up close and personal and they are a client of mine. Or should I look for friends elsewhere

thanks love oprah that is interesting is it is this just brazilian waxes or the fact that she's a beauty therapist means there's therapy involved or is that just what she calls herself i think that's i think it's i would imagine it's like beauty therapist is more just like a cosmetic thing than actual therapy. Got it. Yeah, yeah. So she waxes these ladies' vaginas and is like, is it weird to have them? Go ahead and add them on Facebook. I feel like you could add them on.

I personally think it's always weird when people add me on Facebook. I just don't use Facebook and I don't understand people that do. Yeah, what if you just follow them on Instagram and see if they follow back? Yeah. That seems like the more normal one. And then you can comment on their stuff, DM. I feel like that's a slower entry

into hanging. And it has nothing to do with the fact that you've seen their vaginas. But I think that it's always a little... I mean, maybe they want to be friends with you, too. Have you thought about that that then you could give them discounts on their brazilians oh that's cool i would get a bajillion brazilians a bajillion is when you uh wax jillian's vagina knock it off that's my wife's name i'm serious oh yeah i mean just anybody named Jillian. Yeah. Yeah. Anyone named Jillian. I might get a Brajillion actually tonight.

Cool it. I'm just having fun, man. I'm just getting a little wasted. Yeah, well, I'm not. I know you're having fun. In fact, why don't I sell you the IP for a CISO show that I'm developing? Fine. I'm interested. If it's IP related, then I actually am interested. All right. What would you do if you were her? Would you add on Insta, see if they follow back? That way it's not like forcing their hand, but if they follow back,

then you can, you know, slide into their DMs, make a few jokes about how you know what their vajay looks like. It's all fun. This is an Insta play, if I've ever seen one. Yeah. It's an Insta play, guys. And it's a little more passive than a Facebook ad. Correct. Nobody uses Facebook anymore anyway. Correct.

All right, cool. That's it. Thanks for listening. Hope you enjoy. It's your Labor Day weekend, or at least the end of it. We'll be back as always next week the opening theme song once again was written by jamie ashworth right oh the the red hot chili pepper song cool and then this closing one is a little more chill but still a cover of

sound of silence by simon agarfunkel love that a sound of silence cover Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. Love that. A Sound of Silence cover written by Coleman in Tampa. So thank you, Coleman. Thank you, Jamie. Thanks to you guys for listening. For more If I Were You, we release videos of it on our Patreon bonus Thursday videos at patreon.com. So you can always get more there. And we'll see you in Alaska. Maybe we should do a live show in Juneau or something.

That's what's up. I would love to do that. Did you go to Juneau? Juneau I did not. Nice. Yeah, you also broke your wrist, I see. That's right. In solidarity.

Mike did it. All right. See you next week. Bye. Later. Hello, Crandrandus my old friend I've come to seek advice again because my girl has been out cheating

and all this cheese that she's been seizing and the pinch has won his thousandth golden mic That's so tight Only if I were you, show On countless threads I post my views I wait a week for these coy Jews To berate me with their insults And point out all my glaring faults

But the chipmunk, he makes everything go well A mere Shmuel. Only if I were you show. That was a Hate Gum podcast.